Student #2 Essay #1

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Mr. Stalter

Expository Writing Period 6

Thursday, January 11, 2018

My Life

I’m Kyrin, 17 years old, I was born in Kansas but grew up in California living without a father,
being raised by a single mother. I moved to Hawaii, about a month before my 9th birthday.
Before my family moved here, we lived in “the hood”. It was a rough neighborhood with
gunshots, dogs barking, yelling, etc. and slept in apartments, motels, and occasionally homeless
shelters.

We lived there until I was about 8, and rented a house for about a year, but even then, we lived in
a kind of poor neighborhood. We had to walk to school every morning because my mom
couldn’t really afford a car, luckily we lived close to the school and didn’t have to walk far. To
go to work, my mom rode the bus. And if we ever went to town or anything, we either walked or
went on public transports.

When we moved here to Hawaii, we lived with grandparents for about a year, then moved to
Volcano and lived in tents, so we were technically homeless again, eventually we moved to
Ocean View and I went to Naalehu Elem. for the start of my 4th grade year. We then moved to
Kona, and I went to school there for the rest of my 4th grade year. After that we moved a lot
more, I’ve been to about every elementary school on the island.

I’ve never really been to school, longer than one school year. Until I moved to Keaau Middle and
went up to Keaau High. when I was there, I was a straight A student, but once I moved here, it
made me not want to try as hard, now I’m a B and C average student. I never really want to do
my work and I go in late to like every class. Most classes, I sleep and/or go my phone, but if I
like the teacher then I’ll do my work, and pay attention, but there’s a strong possibility I’ll still
be late.

In conclusion, I’ve grown up, living a rough life so far, but seem to make it through things okay.
I grew up without a father figure, I’ve moved so often that I barely have a reputation at any
school. Moving to this school changed how I act, how I talk, how I do in school, pretty much
everything.
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Rubric Scores:
Organization/Purpose: 2
This essay shows clear paragraphing and some sense of transitional strategies as the
students does lead the reader into the conclusion; however, the strength of the introduction and
conclusion are low, and there is not a sufficient presence of transition in the essay to give it a
higher score.
Evidence/Elaboration: 2
The clarity of writing is average. The essay shows some depth of elaboration but fails to
bring out real connections, though it does demonstrate more breadth. The ideas presented in the
elaboration are easy to comprehend.
Conventions: 1
Sentence formatting and some punctuation are the convention issues represented in this
essay. For example, the start of the essay reflects a lack of sentence structure skill.
Total: 5
Student #2 Essay #2

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Mr. C. Stalter

Expository Writing/ Period 6

February 22, 2018

Designer Babies Essay

A designer baby is a baby that is genetically engineered for specially selected traits,

which can vary from lowered disease-risk to gender selection. Before the arrival of genetic

engineering and artificial fertilization, designer babies were actually just an idea in science

fiction. People have been manipulating genetics for thousands of years. Long ago, early

civilizations realized that certain traits of crops, animals and humans were hereditary.

They figured out how to create new kinds of plants/animals by cross-breeding different

species and later experimenting by injecting animals and plants with various things. According to

“History of Genetic Engineering” from Wikipedia, “Genetic modification caused by human

activity has been occurring since around 12,000 BC, when humans first began to domesticate

organisms. ” In other words, people have experimented with the genes of different things in the

past, like plants and animals.

A more modern way to change living things genetically is by a program called CRISPR. It

can tweak the DNA of any living thing; plants, animals, etc. According to a website called

“Science News for Students,” they say, “This tool can quickly and efficiently tweak almost any

gene in any plant or animal. Researchers already have used it to fix genetic diseases in animals,

to combat viruses and to sterilize mosquitos. They have also used it to prepare pig organs for

human transplants and to beef up the muscles in beagles.” So in other words, medical scientists
have figured out how to fix diseases in the genetics of animals, to fight viruses and free

mosquitos of bacteria.

Another thing that CRISPR will be able to do is create artificial life called “designer babies”.

Wikipedia says,“A designer baby is a human embryo which has been genetically modified,

usually following guidelines set by the parent or scientist, to produce desirable traits. This is

done using various methods, such as germline engineering or Preimplantation genetic diagnosis

(PGD). This technology is the subject of ethical debate, bringing up the concept of genetically

modified ‘superhumans’ to replace modern humans.” Which means, a designer baby is a human

baby who is pretty much developed and genetically modified in a test tube. Although, there are

principles set by the parents and scientists to develop certain traits, abilities, etc.

In the making of Designer Babies, there come pros and cons. The pros to creating artificial life

include: Preventing genetic diseases, reducing risks of inherited medical conditions, allowing

parents to give their child a better shot at a healthy lifestyle, increasing human lifespan up to 30

years, helping keep up with modern technologies, and installing a better understanding of

genetics for biologists.

Along with pros, there are also cons to something like this, such as: a chance of creating a

gap in society, the possibility of damage to the gene pool, the baby would have no choice in the

matter, the technology used is only in the experimental stages at this point, this technology may

be used for superficial purposes such as purposely selecting eye or hair color, and if the process

is not done carefully, the embryo could be accidentally terminated.

In conclusion, a designer baby is a baby that is genetically engineered for specially

selected traits, appearances, abilities, etc. People have been manipulating genetics for thousands

of years. I believe that artificially genetic people will become the future and original humans will
be the different ones. There are still many things left to do to perfect the designer baby, but for

now, it is only an idea of science fiction.

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Rubric Scores:
Organization/Purpose: 3
Though some of the indentation is off, the paragraphing of this essay is sufficient. The
student clearly separated the paragraph into main ideas and used more transitioning within and
among the paragraphs.
Evidence/Elaboration: 2
The essays show a presence of evidence being used; however, it is weak in some areas.
For example, though the students pulled the evidence from a common resource pool I created,
not all the evidence is cited. Additionally, the elaboration in the last two body paragraphs is
weak/nonexistent. Although, in the former body paragraphs, the essay shows use of elaboration
to explain the incorporated evidence.
Conventions: 2
The grammatical and mechanical skills used in the essay were adequate. There are still
some errors present, but the student demonstrated the correct use frequently enough to earn a 2.
Total: 7
Student #2 Essay #3

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Mr. Stalter

Expository Writing Period 6

March 12, 2018

Growth Mindset

Growth mindset is a new way of thinking about the process of learning. In a growth

mindset, people believe that they should constantly strive to be better through dedication and

hard work. To grow and succeed, a person should have a growth mindset by possessing

persistence and remaining open to continuous learning.

When people believe they can get smarter, they understand the effort that makes them

smarter. The more time and effort someone puts into their work, the more they will learn from

the experience. According to an article called “Growth mindset” (2018), “students with growth

mindset view challenge as an important part of learning...students with a growth mindset see

many ways to grow their abilities.” In other words, students with a growth mindset have the

ability to find multiple ways around an issue, rather than just having one solution. They find

ways to grow and strive for better.

In order to grow and succeed, one must have persistence. In order to be persistent, one

must have the ability to maintain action regardless of your feelings. In an article named “Persist.

It Matters” (2017), it says, “People give up too soon because they have wrong expectations of

themselves and the outcome. They expect the way to be easy, and they are surprised when they

find the reality to be the opposite.” In other words, people often feel like they cannot do
something so they give up, but if expectations already start off high, then they will be prepared

when they encounter the outcome.

When being open to continuous learning, one should be capable of focusing on things

that they do not know and be willing to learn those things. In the article Remaining Open to

continuous Learning (2018), it says, “No Matter what you do, no matter, how stupid, dumb, or

damaging you judge it to be, there is a lesson to be learned from it.” To elaborate, one can learn

something from basically any situation and grow on it.

In conclusion, there are many ways to “grow and succeed’” but none of it will matter if a

growth mindset is not present. Having a growth mindset means to be persistent and to remain

open to continuous learning. To do that, one must be capable of finding multiple solutions to an

issue, always expect a difficult outcome, and be capable of learning from any situation.

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Rubric Scores:
Organization/Purpose: 3
The indentation in this essay is congruent. The introduction and conclusion are clear and
adequate in strength, though both could be more effective. The thesis statement is clear and
addresses an idea consistent throughout the essay. Also, there are is higher presence of
transitional strategies.
Evidence/Elaboration: 3
The evidence in this essay is used proficiently, but the elaboration of the evidence is still
weak. The ideas are clear, but they lack depth. For example, in the last body paragraph, the
student has a one sentence elaboration statement.
Conventions: 2
The grammatical and mechanical skills used in the essay were adequate. There are still
some errors present, but the student demonstrated the correct use frequently enough to earn a 2.
Total: 8