Groucho Marx quotes and quotations http://www.humorsphere.com/movie_quotes/groucho-marx.

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Groucho Marx was born in New York in 1890. He died in 1977. With his
brothers (The Marx Brothers) he worked the vaudeville scene, before
making it big in the 30's with many excellent comedies. In the late 40's and
50's he hosted a very popular show, 'You Bet Your Life'. His recognisable
look was the cigar, bushy eyebrows and bottled glasses.

This is my own collection of favorite Groucho Marx Quotes, mainly from his
early 30's movies.

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Groucho Marx Movie Quotations

Animal Crackers Quotes (1930)

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Africa is God's country, and He can have it. Well, sir, we left New York drunk
and early on the morning of February 2nd. After fifteen days on the water and
six on the boat, we finally arrived on the shores of Africa. We at once
proceeded three hundred miles into the heart of the jungle, where I shot a polar
bear. This bear was six foot seven in his stocking feet and had shoes on.

One woman and one man was good enough for your grandmother, but who
wants to marry your grandmother? Nobody, not even your grandfather. Think,
think of the honeymoon, strictly private. I wouldn't let another woman in on this.
Well, maybe one or two but no men. I may not go myself.

The Elks, on the other hand live up in the hills, and in the spring they come
down for their annual convention. It is very interesting to watch them come to
the water hole. And you should see them run when they find it is only a water
hole. What they're looking for is an al-co-hole [or Elk-o-hole]

One morning, I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got in my pyjamas I

don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks...but they were embedded in so
firmly that we couldn't budge them. Of course, in Alabama, the Tusk-a-loosa.
But, uh, that's entirely irrelephant to what I was talking about. We took some
pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed, but we're going back
again in a couple of weeks.

Monkey Business Quotes (1931)

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Groucho: ...Columbus was sailing along on his vessel...

Chico: On his what?
Groucho: Not on his what, on his vessel. Don't you know what "vessel" is?
Chico: Sure, I can vessel... [starts whistling]

Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself
up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?

Horse Feathers (1932)

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Horse Feathers (1932)

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[to Bavarelli] - Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

Wagstaff: Tomorrow we start tearing down the college.

The Professors: But Professor, where will the students sleep?
Wagstaff: Where they always sleep. In the classroom.

Wagstaff: Who was that?

Connie: The ice man.
Wagstaff: Is that so? Well, you can't pull the wool over my ice.

[to Frank, his son] - My boy, get in there and play like you did in the last game.
I've got five dollars bet on the other team.

Two thousand dollars for ice? I can get an Eskimo for two hundred dollars and
make my own ice.

I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment

when you arrived.

[to Bavarelli] - You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad
to get rid of it.

[Giving an alibi and a wink to the audience too] I'm the plumber. I'm just
hanging around in case something goes wrong with her pipes. (To audience)
That's the first time I've used that joke in 20 years.

Duck Soup Quotes (1933)

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[To Chico(lini)] - I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head
with it.

Clear? Huh! Why a 4-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and
find me a 4-year-old child. I can't make head or tail out of it.

Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.

Say! You cover a lot of ground yourself. You'd better beat it. I hear they're
gonna tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You
can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too
soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped
talking since I came here. You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph
needle.

(Grouch) Firefly: [talking to Trentino] Maybe you can suggest something. As a

matter of fact, you do suggest something. To me you suggest a baboon.
Trentino: What!
Firefly: I'm sorry I said that. It isn't fair to the rest of the baboons.

Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot and look like an idiot, but don't
let that fool you. He really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father
and brothers who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary.

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A Night at the Opera Quotes (1935)

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Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the
parlor.

(Groucho) Otis Driftwood: It's all right, that's, that's in every contract. That's,
that's what they call a sanity clause.
Fiorello: Ha ha ha ha ha... you can't fool me. There ain't no sanity clause.

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the
price she has to pay.

Every time I get romantic with you, you want to talk business. I don't know,
there's something about me that brings out the business in every woman.

[to Gottlieb] - You're willing to pay him a thousand dollars a night just for
singing? Why, you can get a phonograph record of Minnie the Moocher for 75
cents. And for a buck and a quarter, you can get Minnie.

Last night I counted five thousand sheep in those three beds, so I had to have
another bed to sleep in. You wouldn't want me to sleep with the sheep, would
you?

A Day at the Races Quotes (1937)

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[Dr. Hackenbush (Groucho) taking Stuffy's pulse]

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
...
[Stuffy munches thermometer]
Your temperature certainly went down fast!
...
[Stuffy intently stares whilst being examined by Hackenbush]
Don't look at me! What do you think I am? A peep show???

[asked to 'OK' a file by Secretary]

I'm too busy right now. I'll tell you what. I'll put the 'O' on now and come back
later for the 'K.'

[Tony offers Hackenbush a hint book.]

Tony: $1 and you'll remember me all your life.
Hackenbush: That's the most nauseating proposition I ever had.

[to Dr. Steinberg] Don't point that beard at me! It might go off!

---

No, no, I'd rather not. I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't
practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling.
At the Circus (1937)

I'd have thrashed him to within an inch of his life, but I didn't have a tape

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I'd have thrashed him to within an inch of his life, but I didn't have a tape
measure Go West (1940)

We've got to speed things up in this hotel. Chef, if a guest orders a

three-minute egg, give it to him in two minutes. If he orders a two-minute egg,
give it to him in one minute. If he orders a one-minute egg, give him a chicken
and let him work it out for himself.
A Night in Casablanca (1946)

A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.

Double Dynamite (1951)

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