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FAITH
CHALLENGES
When I asked, I received… 1
When I asked for courage, Abba exposed my enemies.
When I asked for strength, Jehovah gave me challenges.
When I asked for wisdom, El Shaddai graced me with adversity.
For patience, Yahweh‐Rapha gave me a heart for people.
For a home, El Shammah made me a constant visitor.
When I pleaded for love, El Elyon revealed Himself to me.
For financial security, Jehovah Jireh blessed me with skills and
talents.
For a man, Elohim made me a self‐sufficient woman.
In place of a fabulous life, Yahweh‐Rohi sat me in a wilderness.
In place of a family, Abba Emmanuel guided me into solitude.
I learned that life is not about getting what we want.
El Roi guides us into becoming what our lives need.
1
Adapted from unknown prose by unknown author.
I asked for strength and God gave me difficulties to make me strong. |I asked for wisdom and God gave me
problems to solve. |I asked for prosperity and God gave me brawn and brains to work. | I asked for
courage and God gave me dangers to overcome. |I asked for patience and God placed me in situations
where I was forced to wait. | I asked for love and God gave me troubled people to help. | I asked for favors
and God gave me opportunities. | I asked for everything so I could enjoy life. | Instead, He gave me life so I
could enjoy everything. | I received nothing I wanted, I received everything I needed.
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Helping on Empty
My God, my God, why have You forsaken me? Why are You
so far from helping me, from the words of my groaning? O
my God, I cry by day, but You do not answer; and by night,
but find no rest.
Psalm 22:1-2
O n a lovely winter’s day at the beginning of the year I turned
forty, I walked to Central Park to record my first video
message for my new project. It was a sunny, forty‐three‐degree day
with heavy beautiful fresh snow on the ground. I found a quiet tree‐
lined path that was dotted with park benches. I sat for a while and
breathed in the tranquility of the space before I sat up my camera
for recording.
The first message surprised me. Though I am an open
communicator and am very conscious of being blunt with myself, I
was not expecting the overwhelming sadness that flowed from me
that winter’s day on camera. It was very emotionally taxing.
The idea of helping on empty began to form in my mind as a way
to describe my state and my desire to keep moving forward.
For the past several years I have been wallowing in pain,
aloneness, rejection, sadness, depression and exhaustion because
I live a solitary life. Though I live in a city with a population of 8.5
million people, work for a global firm with 220, 000 employees, and
attend a church with over 8,000 other congregants, I have no
meaningful relationships with any one. No shared meals, no shared
histories, no shared days. I function within a routine that doesn’t
require thought, intelligence or passion. Frankly, none of it requires
my presence. I’m dispensable, replaceable, unremarkable.
Confronting this state of my life is difficult, because I didn’t’ start
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out like this. More importantly, I know this is not how I’m going to
end.
I am simply acknowledging that I have been alone for a very long
time. It has never been my desire or intention to be so. It’s very
painful to talk about, think about and even write about. At the
beginning of the year I turned forty, I decided to embrace
everything that hurts me that I want to shut away. I do not think
that my loneliness is anything I should continue to run away from.
I’ve been trying to avoid it for a number of years – all my adulthood,
in fact. Part of that is because I thought not naming or claiming it
or acting as if I was not lonely or sad or depressed (i.e. fake it until
you make it), it would not be a truth of my existence. Essentially, I
thought it would go away. Unfortunately, that has not been the
case. My gift to myself for my fortieth year was to stop running and
hiding from my devastatingly solitary existence. More than that, I
decided to actively embrace myself in my solitude. I am alone. It is
not a death sentence. I owe it to myself to stop living as if I am
already gone from the world.
My desire to embrace my solitude does not mean I no longer
want a mate or that I suddenly enjoy my own company above all
others. I am embracing solitude because it is the condition of my
life presently. This is where I am. This state is carving, shaping and
changing me. It’s part of my process. An element of my overall Holy
Spirit Training Course for the Ministry to Come. The recurring
question for me is, If I can’t accept my life as it is right now, how
can I possibly be prepared to receive everything to come tomorrow?
It’s a conscious decision to remain in faith. To not give up on the
blessings and promises I’ve received and those yet to come. More
than remaining faith, my decision is also about believing I am fully
blessed as I am right now. I am lacking nothing. God is not waiting
for my life to exhibit certain elements to make me whole or to make
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me worthy of His grace. I am already the vessel and conduit of grace
He created me to be.
Desert of Solitude is not a self‐pity book. It’s not about a self‐pity
process. It’s about embracing absolutely everything life presents to
me, processing it into edible fruit and feeding those who cross my
path with it.
I have always understood that every moment of pain and
everything I’ve seen in this world as a negative attack on my life, on
my person, my belief, on who I am, who I want to be, on my future,
on my dreams, on my vision – everything that I’ve seen as a
negative attack has always benefited me. Always. No negative
situation has ever done more harm than good. Even the most
unbearable things have blessed me on the other side of healing. In
every single instance. Even knowing that, I can look at any
particular moment and say: Hmmmm, I’m not where I want to be.
This is not what I asked for. Where is the promise God said would
be mine? Where is my husband? Where are my children? Where’s
my family? Where are my friends? Where is my joy? Where is my
joy? Where is my joy?
The questioning, the focus on what I am lacking – on what I
perceived as lack – in my life, kept me away from focusing on what
is full in my life – what is good about my life. I’m healthy. I’m
employed. God has blessed me with an opportunity to purchase an
apartment home in Manhattan. Literally, Manhattan in New York
City a block away from Central Park, which I call my backyard. It’s
laughable to view my life from a position of lack. This is not to say
that our blessings are best measured by our material possessions.
What I am saying is that my oldest and most consistent prayers
have been for a home, financial security, a family, for provision
from God. He has absolutely already provided all of that. He gave
me a space in a city I always wanted to live in. This allows for the
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possibility to begin a family and provide a sanctuary for friends.
Jehovah has given me a foundation to provide to others everything
I’ve ever asked for myself. I am determined during my fortieth year
and beyond to focus on what God has already provided; on the
lessons He has already given. That is the idea behind helping on
empty. I don’t have my husband yet, but I still believe I will have a
partner in life. I have not birthed children yet, but I trust that I will
be allowed to nurture love and life in my home.
When I focus on what I don’t have, the sadness sets in.
Depression sets in. The dissatisfaction enshrouds me and
suffocates me. When we are not satisfied with our lives… when we
are not satisfied with our situations… when we think we are lacking
absolutely everything we need to be significant and valued in this
life, we miss everything God has for us in the present moment.
Helping on empty is the idea that whatever we are called to do
in our lives at any particular moment, we are able to do – no matter
what we see as a positive or negative. We are more than able –
fully capable – to do it because God has provided everything we
need in any given moment to do what He has called us to do for His
Kingdom.
It has been extremely difficult for me to continue to move
forward, to continue to have an open heart, to continue to have an
open spirit, to continue to embrace life day after day, hurt after
hurt. It has been extremely difficult. I am not going to say to you
that every time I’ve wanted to bury my head in the snow, sand, dirt
or under my sheets, that I resisted the urge to do so. That would be
a lie. I buried my head for several years. Every time I hid deeper
away, I wanted to keep my blessings, my talents and my gifts to
myself as an act of self‐preservation.
Self‐preservation has been my motto for almost thirty years.
That’s a long time. I had to be a fighter. I had to be a survivor. I had
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to be provider before my time. As a teen‐ager, I occasionally helped
my mom put food on the family table. These are not ideal
situations, but they are the situations that have built me to be the
woman I am today. A woman who thinks she needs to be able to
provide shelter, food and resources for her family. My mother was
the provider for her family. Perhaps that early modeling is
something God is working on stripping from my outlook. He has
already gotten me to the point of completely trusting in his
provision for my life. Perhaps He’s also working on getting me to
the point of not expecting to be everything to everybody all the
time.
When I go empty, when I have absolutely nothing to give, not
even a smile in return for a smile – when I am completely empty, I
know that that’s where I need to be in order to be filled by God. It
takes a while to realize how empty I am. It’s in my emptiness, my
despair, my quietness, my aloneness, my solitude – it’s in these
moments where He comes and fills me up all over again. These are
the moments God just sits with me. He holds me when I ask to be
held. He rocks me to sleep and He listens to my sobs when I can’t
articulate me need and despair. Sometimes, He allows me to sob
myself to sleep. It’s in those moments that I’m reminded He is all I
need. God is all I need. When I think I’m empty, when I’m despairing
of never having anyone else in my life, my God, my Lord, my Savior,
my Master, my All‐in‐All comes and grabs me and holds and rocks
me and whispers in my ear. It is such a wonderful thing to be
comforted and filled by Almighty God! The Maker of Heaven and
Earth. The Maker of Me. The Maker of You. So, when I get to the
point of thinking that I’m not able to help on empty, all I can do is
open myself up to my Lord and Savior so that He can infuse me with
His Holy Spirit again. Honestly, more than I can ask for, more than
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anyone can ask for from me, is to continually be filled by God, His
Word, His Holy Spirit, His Joy, by Everything He IS.
If you are in a low moment, a sad moment, a moment of
depression, a moment where you are not able to embrace your
sorrows with respect or any excitement, turn to God. Ask Him to
come and sit with you. Not to carry you through it when you have
no experience of it, but to sit with you as you work through y our
process. Ask Him to fill you up. To give you the Wonder of His
presence. To be everything you could ever need or ask for or
receive.
This is my message to you. To God be the glory and honor and
majesty forever and ever. In His name, by His Son Jesus, Yes and
Thank You. Amen.
9 | Desert of Solitude: Refreshed by Grace ҈ LaShawnda Jones
Where did my zeal go?
I can testify that they have a zeal for God, but it is not
enlightened. For being ignorant of the righteousness that comes
from God, and seeking to establish their own, they have not
submitted to God’s righteousness.
For Christ is the end of the law so that there may be
righteousness for everyone who believes.
Romans 10:2-4
I n recent years, I’ve been forced to face harsh realizations about
my faith and the faith practices I witness around me. The
realizations came in the form of mental asides and afterthoughts,
mild irritations and frequent frustrations.
When I was on Facebook (I closed my accounts shortly after
starting this book), my feed occasionally displayed the rapturous
updates of young Christians – early to mid‐thirties, who had
committed or re‐committed themselves to Christ after having loads
of fun in the world. The cynic in me often thought how great it must
be to do everything one wanted to do in one’s adult life and still
have the opportunity to return and declare one’s love for Jesus
Christ. The weary Christian in me often remembers when I was also
extremely passionate about my love for Christ. Yet prior to my
thirst for Jesus Christ I, too, was excited to explore the ways of the
world. There was something in me that resented not being wild in
my youth as I now seem to fade into the background of life.
Essentially, my image of Christianity was dragging me down.
In the world the “church” is all about fellowship meetings –
eating, singing, and telling your neighbor (the person or people
standing near you in service) that you love them or you’re glad to
see them. “Church” is advertised as a ministry outreach to the poor,
the broken, the injured, the rejected, the spiritually lost. It becomes
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a routine or a series of goals centered around missionary trips,
church plantings, fund‐raising, and sister or satellite churches in
far‐flung locations. Colloquial church is experience focused. It’s
about being seen, having the “right” friends, current fashions,
socializing and inciting rapturous applause accompanied by a
chorus of “amen” for paraphrased scripture. Colloquial church has
become a ritual of obeying man or men who imagine they have a
corner market on God’s Word.
In the world, “church” is about a network or a special clique. A
group of people who stick together as long as they have the same
confession of faith (not to be confused with the practice of faith)
and nothing is expected of them outside of the church walls that
isn’t well‐publicized far and wide for the effort.
“Church” mimics the world. Lights…camera…action! You’re
on…now perform! Perhaps that’s why I’ve become so dissatisfied
with the people I encounter in “church” and the “churches” I’ve
attended and even in people who just claim to be Christian. What
I’ve noticed is that people repackage worldly goods and try to sell
it to Believers as godly fruit. Personally, I don’t want to use anything
the World had first as an expression of my faith life. And before you
think the world had Jesus first, I’ll remind you that in the beginning
was the Word and the Word was with God.
I’ve been looking for the Christ in Christians and as diligently as
I’ve looked I’ve rarely encountered Christ in the “church” –
however, I’ve certainly encountered Jesus in many other places.
My “church” experiences have not been about showing love or
being love. They haven’t been about openness, honesty,
availability or acceptance. I’ve experienced more rejection in the
“church” and by “church folk” – through relationships and service
in ministries – than any other area in my life (and I’ve certainly
known great rejection in other areas). In my experience, church
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organizations choose to operate like businesses but aren’t nearly
as conscientious with their “human capital” as businesses generally
are. I’ve had more difficulty trying to volunteer for various
ministries in various churches than I’ve had volunteering for senate
campaigns. Hillary Clinton’s 2006 New York Senate Campaign
required a background check, a phone interview and an in‐person
interview. A bit much in my opinion at the time, but her husband
was a former president of the United States of America. I got it and
got over it. However, that’s nothing compared to the steps
required at my current church. We have to apply online (if you can’t
apply online, dates are provided for when you can apply in person).
We have to attend a monthly interview session and fill out a four‐
page application on site. This session is followed by a New Believers
session the same night to hear about the “church’s” beliefs. Two
references (of people “in the same church who know you well”)
have to be provided; if the references pan out, we then have to
attend an in‐person interview within the next month or two. This
can easily turn into a two or three‐month process. That’s effectively
as much or more of a process than I’ve done for any company I’ve
worked for – as I write, I’m a bonded employee of a global bank.
Volunteering at church shouldn’t be so difficult or drawn out. I’m a
seasoned Believer and I felt like giving up at the point of providing
names of people in the current congregation who know me well as
references. I’m not known well by anyone in my current
congregation. The inability to provide a congregant’s name as a
reference stalled and eventually ended my last ministry application
process.
Modern “churches” appear to be geared towards conversion
and beginners in the Word. There’s very little focus or substance
for the seasoned Believer. Where is the fellowship or prayer circle
for those who have loved themselves empty? Or for those who
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have become so disillusioned, the world begins to look like
salvation? Where is the church for the Believer with no intention of
returning to the world? The person who’s just trying to get through
a humdrum day, week, month, or year? The person passing time
with no desire to waste their time. Where’s the church for the
person who isn’t lacking in faith, but may simply be in an in‐
between time, waiting for the next assignment? Where’s the
church for the Believer who simply needs a hug because it’s
Wednesday? Where’s the community that actually reaches out
within itself? To the Believers who are still hurt or newly hurt by its
members? To the Believers who need more than words, who need
to be shown how loved they are? Needs someone to show up in
their daily life? Need to know how much they matter in the chain
of events that surround their life. Where’s that community that
heals itself, covers itself, embraces itself and then radiates itself to
surrounding communities? If church folk actually took the time to
get to know each other, and made the effort to appreciate their
neighbor, instead of just telling them that they’re glad to see them
during service, they would be a much more gracious people when
they encounter the world outside of their community. They would
be much more radiant in their workplaces, on their travels and in
their politics.
I became frustrated because after several years of actively
desiring and seeking a Christian community in New York City, I had
nothing of substance to claim in terms of relationships with people
in the churches I attended.
The first congregation I joined was one I participated in for about
four years. It was a word‐based teaching with a strong
encouragement to the congregation to read the Bible for our own
understanding. I committed my life to Jesus Christ and received my
adult baptism there. I was consistently active in at least four
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ministries at a time and attended nearly every monthly special
event. I was there for most Sunday morning services and Thursday
evening Bible Studies. My life was the “church” for the time I was
there, and boy did I grow! But I didn’t conform to every part of that
congregation’s culture.
The best thing I learned during my time in that congregation was
“to study and show myself approved.” I am a literal learner and
doer. If the Teacher is telling me that everything I need for my life
is in the Word of God, and all I have to do is study the Word, then
that’s what I will do. So indeed, growth was miraculous when I went
from not reading my Bible to studying it faithfully. Every word was
the most succulent bite for me. It was a new world. That’s where
the rapturous passion came from – breathing in the life of God’s
Word was the source of my zeal. Experiencing God’s Word as
refreshment sustained me and propelled me forward.
The second church I attended in New York City was much
smaller. I later looked at it as something of a cult. For six months I
attended one or two small group sessions a week in addition to
Sunday service. My take away from that congregation was an
awareness of how important it is to maintain independent thought
and your own understanding of God’s Word. The small group
sessions became a forum for the leadership to exercise more
control over the thinking (therefore, the beliefs) of the attending
congregants. I spoke up with questions, opinions and requests. I
was shut down each time and eventually shunned from the groups.
The “church” leaders thought my pointing out scripture was
disruptive to their teachings. My simple response: If you’re
teaching the Bible wrong, and I’m sitting in front of you, yeah, I’m
gonna say something. After speaking with the pastor one‐on‐one
(he also led one of the small groups), I decided that I needed to
preserve myself and find another congregation.
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After a break of about six months, I decided to attend a service
at my third congregation in New York. I’ve been with this
congregation for seven years. For the first year, I sat in the services
and soaked in the teachings. I didn’t want to get involved. I greeted
the people next to me and sometimes in front of and behind me.
At the beginning of my second year, I went to Israel with a couple
of other people from the congregation. Our small group joined
other groups from around the world. I thought it would be the
beginning of great relationships. I wasn’t. Since our return, I’ve
rarely encountered any of three congregation members I traveled
to Israel with – even though one agreed to be a reference for my
first ministry application the year following our return. I had
applied to the Children’s Ministry. I can’t tell you how excited I was
to teach the children! Unfortunately, the head of the children’s
ministry needed to control my schedule and because I was only
able to offer one Sunday a month later in the year, due to a full
time graduate school schedule, she took that as a lack of general
availability and told me I wasn’t a fit for the ministry’s needs. It took
another year before I even considered applying for another
ministry. When I did, it was for the online prayer ministry
specifically because I could do it remotely and wouldn’t have to
deal with people directly.
That’s where my zeal has gotten me in the “church” – not
wanting to share space or speak to professed believers in person.
Truly tragic… and a waste. I have a heart of light I want to share and
it has been rejected at every turn by people who profess Christ.
This has been a struggle to comprehend and overcome. How much
do I push back? How long do I sit out? How long do I keep to myself
and shield my light?
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I’m not interested in burying my talents, but I never thought that
my biggest spiritual struggles would be within the congregations I
considered myself a part of.
These experiences were not the end of my faith. Indeed, they
kept me from building my faith on people (pastors and fellow
believers) and places (church buildings). Over the last few years my
musings have led to the beginning of a revelation. My prayer is that
I am able to articulate the revelation for your edification as well as
my own.
16 | Desert of Solitude: Refreshed by Grace ҈ LaShawnda Jones
Love, A Postmortem
I once loved
With a purity of
Hope
Before
My love was tested
For conditions
By one who
Sought to break me
Now I love with an
Expectation
To be hurt
He meant me no good
So he presented no
Goodness to me
Interesting
I didn’t see that when
I saw us
This is why the world has
A shortage of Lovers
Those who love openly
Are hated viciously
By those they bare their
Hearts to
And each time the Lovers
Choose to love again
They are aware
Their love is poured from a
Tainted and ruptured vessel
From which it takes
Longer to give
And is harder to receive
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This less pure
More defined
Conditional love
Hopes for little and
Expects the worse
The Lovers become less willing
To love those who don’t
Love them
And that’s how the
Lovers disappear from the earth
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