P2, Pay The Athletes.

docx
by Alex Sumption

Submission date: 07-Mar-2018 03:04PM (UT C-0600)

Submission ID: 926838386
File name: P2, Pay T he Athletes.docx
Word count: 1792
Character count: 8533
 being u
n Don't make this
f sound like two
ai separate debates.
Title of essay? rl Make the debate
y sound like it's about
Quot e unfair treatment
because of payment.

Vague Language

1
2 a student-athlete

4
Notice
how
much of
your
paragra
phs end
up
repeatin
g or
elaborat
ing on
points
Find some stats
that
on how much
Jabbar
money a typical
has
student needs for
already
all the items and
made,
needs that aren't
rather
covered by athletic
than
scholarships.
supporti
Basically, you
ng your
need to show
own
more evidence
argume
that your $5000
nt. 5
estimate is good
one.
However,

At t ribut ion

6
You need a separate conclusion. Your
naysayer is not your conclusion.
 HI

ABC
All your citations
appear to be in APA,
not MLA. Make sure
you choose MLA!
P2, Pay The Athletes.docx
ORIGINALITY REPORT

11 %
SIMILARIT Y INDEX
10%
INT ERNET SOURCES
1%
PUBLICAT IONS
9%
ST UDENT PAPERS

PRIMARY SOURCES

1
vocesdecasamaria.org
Int ernet Source 2%
2
Submitted to American Intercontinental
University Online
1%
St udent Paper

3
ww2.kqed.org
Int ernet Source 1%
4
Submitted to Auburn Hills Online
St udent Paper 1%
5
getpocket.com
Int ernet Source 1%
6
Submitted to Delaware County Community
College
1%
St udent Paper

7
Submitted to Desert Mountain High School
St udent Paper 1%
8
Submitted to Pennsylvania State System of
Higher Education
1%
St udent Paper
9
Submitted to 79242
St udent Paper <1%
10
www.philasd.org
Int ernet Source <1%

Exclude quotes Of f Exclude matches Of f

Exclude bibliography Of f
P2, Pay The Athletes.docx
GRADEMARK REPORT

FINAL GRADE GENERAL COMMENTS

/100 Instructor

Alex,

I am glad that you took the unnecessary paragraph

out of this paper, but like I say in the paper, the big
problem remains that many of your paragraphs
either have little to do with the "dif f erent" part of
your thesis or they are too unorganized or too
undeveloped to f ully make your argument in a logical
way.

Notice that your thesis basically makes three points:

that you agree with Jabbar that athletes should be
paid, that the next question is how much, and that
solving this problem will lead to a more positive and
stable f uture f or the NCAA. T hese three points
should be organizing principles f or your paper. A
reader expects a section in which you summarize
Jabbar and brief ly outline your agreement, a section
in which you outline what the "correct amount" of
payment is, and a short section in which you explain
how paying athletes will avoid "major problems f or
the f uture of the NCAA." Does your paper deliver
these sections?

So, this paper needs a serious revision. I'd suggest

keeping the intro and starting a whole new paper.
Don't work with this version as the temptation will be
to add or move sentences, but not truly rewrite the
argument to make it more logical.

T hen, summarize Jabbar's essay f ully in a

paragraph. If you do this right away, you can ref er
to his points, but won't have to explain them, which,
right now, leads to scattered paragraphs. If you
summarize all at once, you can f ocus on writing
strong paragraphs that only develop your argument.

Af ter the summary, it would be appropriate to

discuss why Jabbar's ideas are so accurate and
compelling and "right." But don't spend too long on
this. You have a complex thesis that needs support.

Af ter that, spend at least three paragraphs

explaining what the right amount is and why this is
the right amount. Look at the comments next to the
paragraph on page three. I've outlined some
paragraphs you could develop f rom ideas there.

Perhaps your naysayer paragraph will be in this

section or in the section where you agree with
Jabbar. You'll have to decide. But the goal is to
place the naysayer where the naysayer idea is
related to your own points of support.

Finally, deliver that last point in your thesis. You

might be able to do that in a conclusion. T alking
about the reasons the NCAA needs to pay athletes
in order to avoid problems would be a good "call to
action" conclusion.

As you should be able to see, you have a strong

thesis argument, but you don't deliver strong,
organized support f or that argument. Unf ortunately,
delivering this argument will take some major
changes, so don't be af raid to delete! Fortunately,
though, those major changes should help your grade
and your perf ormance on Paper 3, so please start
on them as soon as possible.

I'm happy to help or answer any questions you have;

just let me know!
PAGE 1

Text Comment. unf airly

Text Comment. being

Text Comment. Don't make this sound like two separate debates. Make the debate sound
like it's about unf air treatment because of payment.

Text Comment. T itle of essay?

QM Quote
T his would be a perf ect place f or a quote that shows this is, in f act, what the author's view is.

QM Vague Language
Words like "things," "aspects," "something," "this," and "that" are of ten very vague. Work on
using concrete nouns that will paint pictures in a readers head.

Comment 1
Add a separate paragraph of summary here bef ore you start discussing your own response and
making your argument. You will likely use parts of this paragraph to make that summary
paragraph, so you may also need to develop this paragraph f urther, as well as f urther
developing the summary. Here the summary is very, very brief .

PAGE 2

Text Comment. a student-athlete

Comment 2
Well, scholarships can be considered a f orm or pay, so clarif y here.

Comment 3
But does this f it with your idea that student-athletes should be paid "very little?"

Comment 4
All of this belongs in your summary. If you keep your summary limited to one or two
paragraphs, you'll be able to more caref ully and systematically develop your argument.

PAGE 3
 Text Comment. Notice how much of your paragraphs end up repeating or elaborating on
points that Jabbar has already made, rather than supporting your own argument.

Text Comment. Find some stats on how much money a typical student needs f or all the
items and needs that aren't covered by athletic scholarships. Basically, you need to show more
evidence that your $5000 estimate is good one.

Comment 5
T his point needs to be developed f urther so that it makes up a large portion of your paper.
T hat's what your thesis says, so that's what you need to f ocus on making a strong, logical, and
developed argument about.

Needless to say, this point shouldn't be embedded in another paragraph on a separate idea.

Notice, too, that there are separate ideas within this single paragraph that need developed and
could be separate paragraphs. For example, that point about $5000 being a good amount to
pay athletes. T hat could easily be a whole paragraph, if you f ound stats on typical expenses
f or college students.

T he point that the competitiveness of the NCAA won't be damaged could be a paragraph as
could the idea that athletes won't "go crazy."

PAGE 4

Text Comment. However,

QM Attribution
Remember that the attribution in the in-text citation should lead directly to the f irst word or
words of the correct entry on the Works Cited page.

Additional Comment

Is this source on your Works Cited page?

Comment 6
T hough you took out the paragraph that didn't have anything to do with your argument, your
paper still is too based on the structure of section 6 in the worksheet. While the worksheet
does indicate many of the types of paragraphs needed in the paper and even a basic order f or
many of them, it is a brainstorming tool. Just including all the type of paragraphs there doesn't
mean you'll end up with a strong paper. And that is what has happened here. Rather than f ocus
on your thesis and making sure your paragraphs support that thesis in the order you state the
ideas, the body of the paper is a dizzying set of ideas that aren't super organized.
PAGE 5

Text Comment. You need a separate conclusion. Your naysayer is not your conclusion.

PAGE 6

QM HI
Don't f orget hanging indent!

QM ABC
Don't f orget alphabetical order!

Text Comment. All your citations appear to be in APA, not MLA. Make sure you choose
MLA!