Catch-22 A DRAMATIZATION By Joseph Heller Based on the Novel [No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval syst ‘or transmitted in any form, by any means, including mechanical, wolocopying, tevording, or otherwise, without the prior \sitlen permission of the publisher. |. FRENCH, INC. MEW YORK. N.Y. 10015, Sunt Houlssand HOLLY WOON) 0046 ronnas FORONIO‘Copyright © 1971 by Seapageat Prodctions, ne. Aus earns REsERED (CAPHON: Profesor ery ward ht CATCHED Bic ‘au yay fly pct he ne Sek of er ‘ih Bh monte Ca air co eC ‘ig Cine Al ri icy fio, er mon ptr ‘tonne pute rng rato Seng ei we er fro nasi ages aera I pret fr play cate (he nk pac en. Tcemven i ge prance hs CATCH} ae cand exes ‘Soe re my igen eo mat esr al ‘Shanta MASE MO ht ear aly et pon ‘Sn i neh pur princi came When pi roy {otto me heme pc ew naa af etn Bee, of fi ow sng pa cn Ree re pajele ok k ‘fre te api perc he ly Sane ren ya 45. 230) Se Nee ork Mh 0) ww 32% See ta CA POO mi rot nd, 8100 Lonard See iner he Tm oon Gat te Tle he ued wena Be ad wes he play peer cha vor ther bean ged ‘Shem an pon ction Smet Fre e, rl erie ere spe aor py The La if 2 ssc te, New ak A100 "reer cp i on fe quota of ease or pres rns, min ade for nk mat ened sting Sel Fre ne Tn ow bn wk pr sh mde rah espero ane Tiere py edhe fling ce mae pra program rma ta ft ra a ht Pn cnhorsti eed ans be ie eal por, pring and eben or soa sr souas 4 Prada SA, nes Noe al sal or ae any rome whieh he op i sopra hs py uy bp ve sl ey Sr lay fort poe rodeo Pablo of i ay dose py asaya yon Doh nme] evens ony a hasan me sary aed i eer Ip Sen ech, Er ten pun bef sabes he Top ts imi ray Be apoaicd salina rea or eon yon, yy mets, br knoem a yl o te ited lg were Cen, ptropying rg soup or tes, wat th iw {Srvornn oe pb CAST OF CHARACTERS CHarcams ‘YossaRian ‘Texan CurviNceR Doc Danzexa Mayox Mayon Senceant Towser Lueraxa ExP.F.C, Wovrmceeen Mito Mixpensinver [Nuase Duckerr Exouist Ivrea Doctoas (2-4) Parent Paziest’s Pariter Patient's Moree Parnent’s Brora Conowrt CarHcaRT Luxurenaw? Cotonsn Kom Capranne BLACK Conrorat Wstrrcoxe 3Povcuratats: Naty Navety's Fars Narey’s Morice Natay’s Wnonz Oro Woxan’ Ot Man McWarr Gus Wes Mrs. Danerica Daweoxa’s Morier-y-Law CLD. May Puist Investioanixe Orricer Stconp InvrstioatiNe Orricer Aanry MP\'s (2) Snowoen The time ofthe ation is World War 1, The place of action is an air base off the coast of Italy. " : At the premier production of this play by the Joba Drew Repertory Company in East Hampton, Long Isiand, the 41 parts enumerated were played by 12 performers, 2 female and 10 male. In most cases, a change of garment was sulicient to establish the different identities, In general, the recognition of a single actor in. several roles conttibuted to the comedy of the situation and added to the texture of the work. Since apprentices were available at this production, two additional females were used as walk-ons to assist in the hospital and brothel scenes, The roles were distributed as follows: 1. Male Yossarian 2. Male Major Major, Colonel Cathcart 3, Female Luciana, Patient's Mather, Nately’s Mother, ld Woman, Danceka’s Mother-in-Law ‘Male Wintergreen, Nately’s Father, Old’ Man, First Investigating Officer 5. Male Chaplain, Psychiatrist 6 Female Nurse Duckett, Nately’s Whore, Mrs. Danecka 7, Male Doc Daneeka, Lieutenant Colonel Korn, CLD. Man Male Texan, English Intern, Captain Black 8 ©, Male Milo Minderbinder, Patient's Father, Aarfy 10. Male .Clevinger, Patient, ately, MeWatt, Snowden 11, Male Second Doctor, Corporal Whitcomb, Gus, MP. 12, Male Sergeant ‘Towser, First Doctor, Patient's Brother, Wes, Second Investigating Ofier, MP. ‘This distribution of roles was determined by the num- ber and characteristics of the people inthe company. The script itself permits @ very lenge variety of possiblities, sIt can be performed by fewer players, if necessary, as well ‘as by more. In cases where a brief entrance interferes with a larger plan in the assignment of roles, the problem can usually be removed by assigning the lines to a differ- cent character of similar pleasant or unpleasent nature. On ‘Page 69, for example, the entrance of Corporal Whitcomb for his line could just as well be accomplished by Captain Black, as was done in East Hampton, or by Colonel Korn, and the same solution of this dificulty will work in othe Places as well Pxooucrron Nor: The ranks of the Chaplain, Texan, Glevinger, Doc Daneeka, Milo Mindetbinder,, Ni Duckett, Other Doctors, Nately, the Patient, cWeatt, CLD, Man, Aarfy, and of buth Investigating Officers have been leit indeterminate in the dialogue. All are officers, all ould be captains. Colonel Ferredge in the hospital and Major Sanderson, the Psychiatrist, could also be changed {to captains with’ a change or two in the dialogue, Ail could wear captain's insignia. It is suggested, however, that insignia of officers’ rank’ be omitted altogether and that the omission would not be noticed Sergeant, Towser, Wintergrcen, Corporal Whitcomb, Gus, Wes, M.D, and Snowden ate all enlisted men, In a combat situation such as exists in the play, it would not be unusual for all oficers and enlisted men to wear the same basic uniforms, Dimucrion Norn: In several respects, the script is Seveloped along lines that are cinematographic, and this should be kept in mind. A conscicas attempt ie made to focus the attention of the audience upon characters only when they are active, in much the same way that a camera guides the attention of an audience in a movie theater With few exceptions, therefore, such as those at the very beginning of each of the acts, characters appear on stage only when it is time for them to participate in the aetion fand make their exits as soon as they are through. 6 STAGE SET _ ital ses, sonra fom cach acy bd, type nib bead seta to prove sues tal cits as needed, each Hem and group separated to allow flo som or str betes in Gopaagee ‘len inven thet of fun mil of coe, fe cate that iaker pur adoom Toe cage of tnt play will establish the location of all the scenes that take place. , er vas ope on aie of res requ fo ane ee he‘ one ea oe socio ime ere inne al mare hott soso ee mae lareee de me ee ther Prope nay" be sowed ‘on the dss and in the dew nan 4 zton of intevior wall containing a low, wie window ig ak fn a the dah et fw eh etl of al cntiehg = secay tet ect Iie thecal, eis all sea ie apie owed idce obi, tnd tow seb lending The doorway wil be wed or formal exits and en- times. At ter He, sear nay ove en contin Fey npc oie The ie tint wl ae Le meet coer he as Cas trans nl” ns Yor stern in back of Ua geese Sad pee taped fe sal compara nlaCatch-22 ACT ONE Cuapuawy enters, carrying a stationery pad and a pen, and moves to one of the desks. He reads aloud jrom letter he is writing Cuaptawy. My dear wife, In the hospital today, I met a likable young man . . . (Yossamian enters, wearing a parachute harness.) Yossantax. Me, (Hangs his parachute hamess on @ coatrack and puts on a hospital bathrobe.) ‘Captain... . . who has a very simple wish. He wants to live forever ...". (Yossanian nods in emphatic agree- ‘ment and moves to the bed.) . . . oF at least die in the attempt. (Yossantan nods again, Les down and begins censoring letters.) The trouble is— (The Texan enters, wearing a hospital robe, and pulls 0 chair up to the side of Yossawuan’s bed.) ‘Texan. Hi, there. (Gets no response but a Long, um friendly look.) V'm irom Texas, (Another long, unfriendly look.) “Thought T'd mosey on down the ward and get friendly with you, Be right neighborly. (As Yossanian rubs his eyes with a very pained expression.) What are ‘you doing? ‘Yossakian. Consoring letters, Texan. Say, I bet that’s exciting —reading other peo- ple's mail, 910 CATCH-22 act ‘Yossanian. It's monotonous. Texan. (With a confidential gir.) Ever hear of an officer named . . . Washington? ‘Yossanan, George? ‘Texan. Irving. Yossanian. No, ‘Toxan, Ever run into a guy oamed .. . Trving? Yossasian. Irving what? Texan. That's his last name, (Uhuppily, as Yos- SARIAN gazes at him.) Washington, Yosssnux. Washington? Texan. Irving. (Yossman ponders a moment and shakes his head.) He's been censoring letters up here in 4 tnost peculiar way. You're not him, are you? ‘Yossaaian, 'm Vossarian, ‘TeXan. (With reliej and enthusiasm.) I'm mighty glad to hear that, Tl let you in on something. I'm really an undercover agent, a CLD. man. Keep that quiet. ¥ don't ‘want anybody to know. Yossanian, Everybody knows ‘Texan. Who told them? Yossanian. You told them. You tell everyone. Why don't vou censor letters like the rest of us if you don’t ‘want anybody to suspect? ‘Texan. (4 long-suflering confession.) L just can't do that. It's so monotonous. I'd much rather sit here and talk important topies with you. Would you like to know What T think abont the republic? (Yossaniaw leaves the bed with a weary moan and hangs up his bathrobe.) 1 think that people of mear decent folk . . . should be given more votes than indecent folk . . . people with- ut means. Don't you? It stands to reason . . . (Exits talking behind the hospital wall, following Yossanias, who moves around in back of it and reappears alone.) Cuartats. The Texan tured out to be good-natured, ‘enerous, and likable. "YossantaN, In three days, nobody could stand him. He ners CATCH-22 u drove me out, (To the CUAPLAIN, who rises ond walbs till Aim.) Ts sil golng on, fant it? (Looking around, fb Cuapcan’ nods.) Men go mad—and are rewarded with el od wh ty on yy nk Greay, Even Clevinger -» (Ch4vinors enters from cppotte dvection, 0 fori, sensitive intelectual)» . = tho you'd think would know beter, says Coovinoen. (sudden siriek ) Vou crazy! Sosrmase (Spi aod and goer fo Cutsrnern, CCunPuain continues ofseoge.) They've trying to kil te. Cusmasoan, No one's tying to kil you Yossaniaes Then why are they shooting et me? Cinwanorn, They e shooting st everyone. They're ty inGieuman And whet ference does that make? Clevinger, far back as I can remember, somebody has ways bee batching a plot thal wil ill he. And do you know why? Guaviners Because you're erry YYoosasia, Becatse I'm Assyean. Crvinoen, See? Nou wre eazy. Thete are no Assy tans The ace i extn. Voscanint. There's one let—me. And 1 want very much to preserve him, Clevlager, my fiend, you are one at those people with lots of lnellgence =~ and. n0 Brains, In short you are a dope. Cuawinoun ArT Yossaunt, Because your tile i in dangerand you dat scent to care. Well Throw what to do shout mine CCuisinotn. What? Yossinia, (Stersing otay.) U'm going to see Doc Danecka ue have bint take te off combat duty. Hell te. Gisvivoee, (Walking ter hin.) Hel laugh in your face Hell thik you 6 eray Yoscamin. La’ oe 90 (At they head offstage i one direction, Doc Daneewa2 CATCH-22 ner enters from aneter, wearing « white medica jacket and looking hum. He bas ¢ thereometer i bis mouth, a Blood pressive apperctas on is amy @ Selotcope arowid his neck} Doc Danerka. Ha ha «ha, Yorstmy, (Turns back te Doc Dineaia, a Cave ‘INcrR exits.) What's so funny? na G ‘Daven You Yo wasting your tne you ex me to help you, You must be crazy, prope Vorsanitr Olay, Cant you paund someone who's Daves. Ob; sure, There's a rule saying I have ground avyone who's crazy, sd ° Dana, Sure (Reads thermometer) dons Kelso md ‘See? My temperature is low. y Ble smu Tht why dont ou ground re? Ym can. Danna. Why daft you ask te to? (Und Yes. satin le Bul oH ergot) Syuce MYossaman. (Spueesing the ar Bll) Thave to ak? Darna Thats what the fle sys theeds Bod resire end sakes bis aod) Vist you have to ck fate oe Wostiman, (hoting indo one of is ear.) Tha’ EMOSIMU.oking ino one of crs) Tat’ a Dexia, That’ all. Jost ask, The other ea _, Yoostuuah. And then You ean ground me? (Davee tas the stethoscope in ft cot al oop Soe tect fan hen) hen auc ed et seein (Remoaessehostpe anf hon Ste Yos: sanuan) No. The | Ean grog soe: Ne oa see # x listen to my Vossen, (Tubing die seascape and tein You mean there's a catch? i ane rong Davee Sire theres each, Cach-22. Anyone who cant ge out of combat duty nt seals cage ery CATCH-22 B ‘Yossantan. Wow. T think I'm starting to get it, I'm crazy and can be grounded. All Thave to do is ask, right? Danezka, Tap my chest. Lower. Yossantan. (Mare ond more rapidly.) But as soon as do ask, I will no longer be crazy and will have to fly more missions, Ll be eraay to fly more missions, and sane ICT don'., But if T'm sane T have to fly them. Daneska, (Tering around.) Now tap my back, Yossamas. IFT fy them, I'm crazy and don't have to, but if T don't want to I'm'sane and—wow! That's some catch, that Catch-2?, Daweexa, It's the best there is. Yossawian. (Spins Daneska around.) Doc, you've got to help me! I'm afraid. Danzexa. Of what? Yossanian. I'm afraid you're not going to help me. 1 get screaming nightmares, Don't you hear me? Danerka, T've got to laugh. I've really got to laugh when T hear you sezeaming your brains out every night ‘What about me? Yossanian. What about you? . Danzexa, What about me? My precious medical skills! Yossaniax. What about them? Daxreka. What about them? They're misting away here, while other doctors back home are cleaning up. Do you think. T enjoy hanging around here day after day re~ fusing to help you? I wouldn't zvind it so much if 1 could reluse to help you back in a nice plush Park Avenue office, Bot saying no to you here isn't easy for me, either. Yossanian, Then stop saying no. Ground me and send. me home. DANFEKA, I can’t. Where are you going? (Waving a wooden tongue depressor after Yossamsan.) I want you to say “Aazahi” Yossamiax. To Major Major. If my flight surgeon won't help me, my squadron commander will. (Zxits.) Danesxa. That's what you think! He won't even see s+» (Exits, 08:)“4 CATCH-22 ner (Mayor Mason climbs in through window wearing a false ‘mustache and large dork glasses. He removes. his lasses and musteche, setles kimsel/ at the desk, and ‘alls out.) ‘Mayon Mayor. Towser! (Senoxawt Towser enters and salutes.) ‘Towser. Yes, Major? Mayox Mayors. Sergeant Towser. From now on I don’t want anyone to come into my office to see me while I'm hheve. Is that clear? ‘Towser. Yes, sit. Does that include me? Mayor Mazon. Yes, ‘Towsen., I see, Will that be all? Mayor Mayor. Yes. Towser. What shall I say to people who come to see you while you are here? ‘Mason Mayor, Tell them I'm in and ask them to wat, Towser. Yes, sr. For how long? Mayor Mayor, Until P've left. Towsrr. How will you be able to leave, sir, when some- one is waiting outside to see you? ‘Mayoa Mayor. Through the window. From now on, Tbe coming and going through the window. I don't want to see anyone, and T don’t want anyone to see me. Is that clear? ‘Towser, Yes, sir. And once you've left, what shall T do swith them? ‘Mayon Mayor. I don't care. Towser. May I send them in to see you after you've est? Mayor Mayor. Yes. rows. But you won't be here then, will you? Mayon Mason. No, That will be all. ‘Towser, Yes, sir. Will that be all? aera CATCH-22 15 ‘Mazon Mayor. No. Tell Milo Minderbinder T won't be coming to the mess hall any more. T want all my meals Gelivered to my trailer and left outside my door. Towser. Yes, sir. Good-bye, sr. Mayor Mayon. Good-bye, Sergeant. And thank you. For everything (Towser eaves. Mayor Mayor puts on his mustache and ssunglasses, climbs out the window, and hurries away . Yossanian springs out of concealment and brings Mayon Mayor ond himself to the ground with @ pouncing tackle.) Voseanax, (On the ground, saluting.) Sir! Captain Yossarian requests permission fo speak to the Major at nce about a matte of life and death ‘MAJOR Major. Let me up, please. T can't return your salute while Yim lying on my arm. (Vossantay releases Fire, Both men rise. Mayo Mason returns Yossantan's sale.) T don’t think. this fs the best place to talk. Go around the feont and tell Sergeant Towser to send you in to se me. 'Yossantan. Yes, sit. (Myon MAjoR climbs back into the ofice through Wis window. Yossanian seolks ofstoge. Mayon Mayon counts Jew second and then dashes su denly back to the swindow, jumps out, ond starts away. Yossantans comes dashing onstage and tackles kim ogain. Seleting:) Sit! Captain Voesarian requests permission to speak to the Major at once sbout a matter of life and death, ‘Mayor Mayon. Permission dented. Yossanian: No, sit. That won't do. Mayon Mayon. Allright Jump inside my office. Yossanan. (Releasing Kim end rising) After. you Mayon MAjoR climbs back inside trough the window and removes his disguise. YossaRIAN climbs in ater him.) ‘Majo Mayon. Well? What seems to be the trouble?16 CATCH-22 acrid _ Yossamian. T don't want to fly any more combat mis- sions. Mason Major. Why not? Yossantan. Vm ara. _ghitign Mason. Tha’ nothing tobe ashamed of, We'e YYossaaraw. T'm nat ashamed, I'm just ara Majo Mayor. You woulda’ be normal if you were eve ari Ove of the bigest jos we fae in combat {sto overcome our fear. Yossanian: Oh, eome on, Major. Can't we do without ow , Major. Can't we do without Majox Mayon. What do you want me to tell you? Yorsnmay. That Te fawn enough combat missions and can go home. Mayor Mayon. How many have vou flown? Yossaun. Fifty-one. Aman was killed in my plane last seek on the mission to Avignon. Mayon Majox. You've only got four more. Yossanuan. Colonel Cathcart wil raise them again, He alvrays tales them, He wants to be a general. ‘Mason Mayon. Perhaps he won't ths time. Why don't yeu Ay the fou more misiony and see what happens own. I don't want to. 1 think I'd rather die than be killed. = ‘Mayon Mason. But supa everybody fe hat vay? agua. Then T'd certainly be a damaned fool any other may. Woulent I? a Mayon Mayor. There's nothing can do ahassaoas, You're a major and’ my squaon com Majon Mayor. And there's nothing I ean do. Except sympathize with you secretly. I could send you to Rome ossanan Wht x? = ee IAjon Mayon. (Writing.) On a rest leave. You could finda gl get dnt ave some fun ends Yossi ners CATCH-22 wv ‘Yossanian. It's better than nothing. (Esits through the window and walks across stage, while Mayon MAyoR re- places his mustache and. sunglasses, climbs through win- dow, end exits behind wall.) (Phe LIGHTS DARKEN, indicating evening, os LuctaXA ‘enters ond calls out to YOsSARIAN in on Italian ac- cent.) Luctana. Hey, Joe, Come here, I'm not so bad-looking. ‘Yossanian. My name isn't Joe. LuctaNa. I'm Luciana, Why don't you pick me "p? YossansAx. My name is Yo-Yo. Luctana, Okay, Joe-Joe. You picked me up. Tlt go dancing with you. But 1 won't let you sleep with me. "YossantaN, Who asked you? LUCIANA. (Pulls hive to her and makes him dance with ther toward one of the desks.) You don't want to sleep with me? "Yossantan, I don’t want to dance with you. Luciana. Okay, Joe-Joe. I will let you buy me dinner But I won't let you sleep with me. "Yossaniaw, Who asked you? Luciana. You don't want to sleep with me? YYossantan. I don't want to buy you dinner, Luctana Let's go, (Pulls him down into a chair, leans ack with a sigh, ad pats her mouth daintly.) "Yossantan, Vou ate like a goddamn horse. Luctaa. Grasie, granie, Now I feel much better. Okey, Joe-Joe. Now I will let you sleep with me. (Pulls away in alarm as YossaRian grabs jor her.) No—not bere! Come. (Takes his hand ond leads him to the bed.) Aanah now, Now I will let you (LIGHTS DARKEN, indicating night, They embrace. Yossanray’s attention is cought by something he feels on her back.)8 CATCH-22 a Yossanin 1 ong, int? rant (Feuing) sini I guest tis must be just abou the ln and deepest scar I ever felt. ‘ eae LuciaNs, (With c ouch of sadness) Tt is the lon cng! eve et a aaa /ossaataN, Where were you wounded? Lveiasa. In an ait aids Yossamax. Germans? Lucian american, Yossasian, Twas aiid you were going to aay that Luciana, I wonta ike you to'marry mene? “Locanna, Tu sei poo. Yossantax, Why am I crazy? Lucrann, Perché non poso tposare. oss Why cou ge mare? jvciaNa, Becaine Tam not a virgin, (Crosses hes Who wil marry map nS MB (Crosses Herel Yossanta. 1 wl rete taro av our. fossastan. Why cant yo matty me? Luciana. Perch sei paseo Yossantt. Why amt erty? Lucan, Perc sued Sposa Yessain, Vou wont many me ecu ery, and you say V'm crazy becaise I'want to Matty you that right? z aia TLvcins Sk Vossanras. Te sci poze, Lucan: Perch? Why am I crasy? Yossanns. Beas you wont marry me, Corin, amo, Thame moti, ’ TLuctans, How caa you love gil whois nota (Cv sae itt who isnot a (Crosses ORSARIAN. I's easy, Because can ma cia (Heatedly, machng bis chest wd the Bach acta CATCH-22 w of her hand.) Why can’t you matry me? Just because 1 fam not a vitgin? (Crosses herself belatedly.) "YossaRIAn, (Afectionately.) No, Because you're crazy! (Luciana laughs and they embrace again. Yossantas ‘deeps. LIGHTS BRIGHTEN, indicating morning.) Luciana. Hey, Jor-Joe. Wake up. (Rises, smooths her hair, straightens Ker dress.) 1 must eave now and go to work in my office. (Takes lis hand and walks o. with iin.) Why don’t you ask me to write my name and ad- ddtess on a piece of paper so that you will be able to find me again when you come to Rome? "Yossaian. Why don't you write your name and ad~ dress doven far me on a piece of paper? Luctan, (Haughtily.) Why? So you can tear it up {nto litle pieces as soon as I leave? “Yossantawt, Who's going to tear it up? Lucrawa, You wil, And then go walking away like a big shot because a young, beautiful gel like me, Luciana, Jet you sleep with her and did not ask you for money. ‘Yossanrax, How much money are you asking me for? LuctaNa, Stupido! 1 am not asking you for money! (Thrusts a'slip of paper at kim.) Flere, don’t forget. Don't forget to tear it into tiny pieces as soon as I am gone, (Relenting, afectionately.) Adio. (Kisses him and starts way, Yossanian hesitotes, then tears the slip of paper Into tiny. pieces ond scotters them. He starts away jaunty in the opposite direction. LUctANA, ab side of stage.) Tu sei pozzo! (Exits.) (Yossanian halls abruptly. He returns to the bits of ‘paper and stares down at them hopelessy. Wisttn GALEN enters U., carrying mail, swaggering a bit with {@ characteristic ir of genial self-importance.) Yossasran. Wintergreen! Wasrexonzen. Hiyeh, buddy.‘a CATCH-22 ie Yossansan. Wintergreen, I'm trying to find the name and address of a gel Imet in Rome. Wavrenoreen. Forget it. Come an inside, pal. I've got reat news for you. (Settles himself at a dest and begins sorting correspondence, reading some, writing on others, Yossanian futtows.) 1’ got my’ promotion. I'm 3 PEC. now. Do yoit know what that means? Yossawtnw, You're a private first class, Wevrercneen. I'm an oficer now, just like you. Tt ‘means lots more money and prestige. I get to travel in the highest socal circles now, just like you. I'm gonna go into business, compete with Mito Yossanias. Milo won't like that Wintixcréey. Good. I like to needle that bastard Well, what can T do for you? Yossancan. Catheart “raised the number of missions again. Wavmrroreen. I know that. I reed all the mail he writes. ‘YossaniAn. Do you ever get to see any of the from headquarters? Wivriicrien. Yo-Yo, I don’t Just see them. I print ‘Shem up on my mimeograph machine and distribute them —if I approve. Nothing gets done without my okay. T was going to cancel the Normandy’ invasion, until Bieen- hhower committed! more ura Yossarian, How many missions am 1 supposed to fly? Wovteronuen. Forty missions is all you have to fly as fir as we here at headquarters are concerned, Yossamtan, Then T can go home, tight? Pe got fity- one. Wovrprczzny, No, you can't go home, There's a catch, Vossaxian. Twenty-two? Wosreacnien, Sure. Cetch-22 says you've always got to do what your commanding officer orders you to. sok isan. But regulations say Team go hotie with forty missions ‘Wuvrxckren. But regulations don't say you have to tives act CATCH-22 a Se Oe eas ory sly of olnitean det f hs, Aa ta ee Ay tose tye pli sy Hs ot ee a Oe acta i ang and repr toate) Mice ont (hala of im one deci a} (Mico Mroenoisos enters» camring a doven eggs nd crosing i a Ui of uy. Minos mone, throughout is one oj pious simplicity, virtue, diligence.) Mito. Tecra hove: Winerren'seting rls, Miso, Yeu have this gret chance t coer the market on Egyptian cotton. It's a big eS eta ott bs are imaesinene2 CATCH-22 ner Yossanran, (Musing with pleasure.) Gee, that’s really something. I always wanted to own a share. (Recollecting soberly.) Does Snowden have a share? Mito. OF course. Everybody In the squadron has a share ‘YossaRran, Snowden isn't in the squadron any more, He was killed on the mission to Avignon. ‘Mao. That’s part of his share. ‘Yossanian. There was no morphine in the fest aid kit. ‘There was nothing I could give him for the pain. Mito. I needed the morphine to trade for these fresh ‘eggs. You get your share, don't you? ‘Yossanran. T don't want my share. I'm going back into the hospital, Mazo. No, Yossarian, The best thing for us to do is for you to fly your sixty missions, even if you do get killed! ‘You can’t keep running into the hospital like a crybaby every time— Yossanian. (Striding away.) Oh, yes, I can. (Moves across stage and circles in back oj the doorway as: Mio, shaking his head disapprovingty, continues across stage and exits. Nuxse Ducks and Doctor, both in whic medical jackets, enter, settle themselves at derk, ond grow absorbed in comic books, white Stcoxn Nose and Docton wicel a bed with sleeping Patient onstage and circle of. Yossaniaw knocks ‘on the door, enters, and moves toward desk. Duckerr anid Doctor pay no iten- sion.) Bi, Hey! (ds they finally glonce up.) I have this sharp, persistent, throbbing pain in the lower tight side of ‘my abdomen. T think it's appendicitis ‘Docroz. Beat it, Nonse Dockers. We can’ tell him to beat it. We have to keep all abdominal complaints under observation for five days because so many of them have been dying aiter ‘we make them beat it Doctor. (Leaving.) All tight, Nurse Duckett. Put him under observation for five days’ and shen make him beat it, Give him an ice bag, just to play safe ner CATCH-22 B (Yossansan puts on a hospital robe.) Nonse Duckert. I think you're faking sxanan sigs, moves fo empty Be, andes down. (Yosonse DucketT hands him ice Dog ond leave, NOM ioun Tetenw ent. le speaks wih ¢ British accent.) outs eres, Wel, old boy. How fs your Iver? ‘Yossamas, [think it's my appendix.” Ewouisit Ivrea. (Pressing Yossantan’s abdomen) No, Vim afraid your appendix is no good, no good at all If your appentix goes wrong, we ean take i ost and have ‘you back on active duty in no time at all. But come to Wwith a liver complaint and you ean fool us for weeks, Levs throw this silly ice bag away before you die of pneumonia, The liver, you sce, is a large, ugly mystery tous Tf you've ever eaten liver, you know what T mean. Yossantan. What's an English medical officer doing on duty here? s —? Ectisn Tvrenn. (Leoving.) I'l tell you sbout that in the momning, if Lever see you again. The way they whisk us around here, I never know where I'm going to— \wotnim Docrox reaches in ond pulls him offstage, as (oretinae bucuetT. ond. Fitsr ‘Docron enter fom around the otter side of the wall.) Doctor. Well, good morning. Good moming, good moming, good morning. How is that sick appendix of mr ; >» VOSSARTAN ‘There's nothing wrong with my appendix, Wy my ter Nuwse Dockers. It was your appendix yesterday. Yossaxtan. It's my liver today. I ought to know. Docror. Maybe it is his liver. What does his blood count show?* cATCH-22 ace x Nunse Duckerr, He hasn't had a blood count. Docron. Have one taken right away. We can't afford to take chances with a patient in his condition, We've got fo keep ourselves covered in case he dles. (Starting ous ) In the meantime, Keep that ice bag on. Its ‘ery ion ortant. Yossansa. I don’t have an ice bag. Doctor. No? Well, maybe it's not so important, Just let someone know if the pain becomes unendurable, (They exit, a Secoxo Doctor appears.) Doctor. Wel, Yossatian, I’m afraid I have very bad news for you. You're in perfect health and have yo back to combat duty. Isn't that good? (sits, Sudden, Parmer in the nest bed sts up ond shouts.) Patten. I see everything twice! Nurse Ducxerr. (Reappearing.) What? Partent. I see everything twice, (Borst Doctors come running back with alarm) ‘Noxsz Dockers, He sees everything twice! First Docros. What? ‘Secon Doctor. He says he sees everything tice, Fusst Docron, Then it's meningitis, 1d say, Secono Doctor. Why pick meningitis? Why not, let's say, acute nephritis? Fiast Doctor. Because I'm a meningitis man, that’s ‘why, and not an acute-nephritis man, And I saw hitn hrst, Secon Doctor. Why don’t we roll hits away into an isolation room and see what develops if he takes @ turn for the warse? First Docton, Suits me. ‘There's enough of him to go around. (The bed is rolled off a few yards. The Docsos and Nuss Duckert start ewe.) Szconp Doctor. (Calling bach toward Yossantaw,) ‘And get that one out of here. He's Ot for uty. (Ets) Wossamian. (Sits up in bed end shouts.) 1 see every. twice! acta caTCH-22 25 (ke Doctors and Nuxse Ducusrr rush back to Yos- samsan’s bed.) fasy Dacron Hoi tT gt in Doctor, That's not fi, ; nse Docton to care dhe 1 fale or not (To Yossanias, holding one mgr np recly before fon Ho tay Sages doy eet "Yaseam To, rast Docron (folding up two fingers) How many toga oy sow Frnst Decion (Putting both hands betind is ack) An tow ay tt "Yorsamas, Tw : First Docwon (Becning.) By Jove, he's right! He does Se everything tice! Rll his ay with te other oe (Wossanan’s bed is rolled beside the other one. ALx. but Secon Doctor stride evay and exit.) Partens. I see everything twice! = Yossanuan. (IVinhing a hin.) I see everything twice! Pavtent. The walls! ‘The walls! Move back the walls! Yossawan. ‘The walls! ‘The walls! Move back the walls! (The Pantin emits a foud groan and flops back on the bed with, his eyes shut. Yossaniaw emits a loud grown and falls back also. Secon Doctor returns, jels fhe Orner Parrent’s pulse, shakes his head grimly, ond draws the sheet over his face. He snaps his fingers and Norse Duckerr and Fist Doctor enter and roll the bed offstage.) What are you doing? Sucono Doctor. Hes dead: (Ft,) 7 Vossaman. (Sitting up in bed and shouting.) 1 see everything ance! (The Doctors and Nuzse Duckett come running back.)26 CATCH-22 ner Frast Doctor. (To Secon Doctor.) Beat you again, didn't T? So shut up—both of you. (To Yossanian, hold: ing up one finger.) How many fingers do you see? "VossaRtan One. inst Docror, (Holding up two fingers.) How many fingers do you see now? ‘Yossamtant. One, Finst Doctor, (Holding up ten fingers.) And how many now? ‘Yossanian. One. First Doctor. I made him all better! That calls for a drink, (Finst Docrox and Nugse Ducxert esit, leaving Skcoxn Doctor behind.) ‘Secoxo Doctor, And just in time, too. Yossarian, some relatives are here to see you. Oh, don’t worry, not yours. It’s the mother, father and brother of that chap who died ‘They've traveled all the way from New York to see a dying soldier. ‘Yossantax. P'm not dying. SecoxD Doctor. Of course you're dying. Where else do you think you’re heading? ‘Yossanuas, They came to see thelr son, Secoxp Doctor. They'll have to take what they can get. ‘Yossanraw. Suppose they start crying? Secon Doctor, I'l come right in. All you've got to do is lie here a few minutes and dle a litle Is that asking so much? 'YossansAn. All right. If it’s just fora few minutes. Why don't you wrap a bandage around my head for effect? ‘SecOND Doctor. That sounds like a splendid idea. (Uonds a head bandage to Yossamian, who fits it om.) ‘Yossanuax. Why don't you get some flowers? Old ones. Secox Doctor, We haven't got time. ‘Yossanias, At least darken the room, Secon Docroz. Shhh! (Exits.) (A poorly dressed old couple, Panient’s Faraem and act CATCH-22 n Mornen, enter with a belligerent young man, Par rient's Brorstes. They ore Halian-American and re- fect it in their speech.) Farvten, He looks terrible, Brorner, He's sick, Pa. Momnze. Giuseppe. ‘Yossanian. My name is Yossarian. Broricen, His name is Yossarian, Ma. Yossarian, don't you recognize me? I'm your brother John. Don't you Kknow who T am? ‘Yossnntaw. You're my brother John. Broriren. He does recognize me! Pa, he knows who T am. Yossarian, here's Papa, Say hello to Papa. ‘Yossantan, Hello, Papa. Faruze. Hello, Giuseppe. Bnorucs. His name is Vossarian, Pa Farner, I can’t get over how tetrible he looks. Brovuive, He's very sick, Pa, The doctor says he's going to die, Faruren. I didn’t know whether to believe the doctor or not. You know how erooked those guys are. ‘Morniten. Giuseppe. Brorwten, (Growing more and more impatient.) His name is Yossarian, Ma. She don't remember things too good any more. How're they treating you in here, kid? ‘Thoy treating you pretty good? ‘Yossanian, Pretty good. Bnorier. That's good, Just don't let anybody in here push you around. You're just as good as anybody else ‘that’s dying, even though you are an Ttalian. You've got rights, too, (Yossamsan groans in dismay and closes his eyes.) Farsen, Now see how terrible he looks Mornen. Giuseppe. Broria. fa, his name is Youarian. Cant you reBe CATCH-22 a ‘Yossanzan. It's allright, She can call me Giuseppe it she wants to ‘Morir. Giuseppe. Broriten. Don't worry, Yossarlan,fivrythlig Is go to be all right. Yossanian. Don't worry, Ma, Everything is going (0 be al right ‘BroriteR. Did you have a priest? ‘Yossanian. Sure " Broriten. That's good. Just as long a» yow'e getting everything that’s coming to you, We wete afraid: we ‘wouldn't get herein time. “Yossaetan, Tn time for what? Brotitun. in time to see you before you dled ‘Yossanian. What difference would! it inake? Bron. We did't want you t dle by youre Yossawtan, What ciflerence would it make? Front. He must be getting delious He Kap 1 ating the same thing over and over aan, pen the a oe ea 3 ‘thought his name was Giuseppe, and now T find out bis name is Yossarian, That's really'very funny. Brot. Ma, make bim fee! good. Say something to eer i ‘Morin. Giuseppe. Brornien. (Almost shouting.) It's not Giuseppe, Ma. Te's Yossarian. f Morites. What difference does it make? He's dying (Starts to cry. The Favwier and Bxoviten stort t0 079 also, ‘osama, What ate you ering about? Morn. You're dying. (Wossantant starts crying. The Docton enters quickly, shooting Vossatan a dirty look.) Docron. It's time to go now. Have you any last words? Farner, (Pulling himself together.) Giuseppe. ner CATCH-22 0 aor, Vossin sree, Vouarien Yosuatae Gere rie Suen eae ang to de : 1 SRG en we os ea eon He! Sto i, wil you? Poss When you talk he man eta, T want ou fo el in aint ae or pol te ie ee ye yeang Tel Ha they gt te ta fot ode when theyre oi. dont think He knoe beg going on fran time: Dinyo” “= SR4 ts OTHER And Gon It ary up th around, You'll be just as good as any! my else henson een ee are Italian. sr cc Pon, Des watt Thy ext) wooo Thanks Kd. You i tat real wel, 1 think epee te yo defor wal ee eee ee ‘AN. I think I'm going to get the hell out of (Goes cota end aes obs batted (The Texan enters.) ean, I er, fe, Thea i Yossie. That wat somebody Cue? 8 (CHARHAIN ers 0. and Yossamas moves forward to Texan. (Aloud to himsel sone (and Setd to himsel, eminousy.) Dont be too SS Git tat mse em t f er A om (Covones Carncaner enters wearing a Black circle around0 CATCH-22 ners ‘one eye and an Indian headdress with several feathers, He has a tong cigarette holder in his mouth ‘and carries a smal box of tomatoes in one hand and 2 lorge bell in the other. He removes his black eye ‘and his headdress as he reaches the desk and rings ‘is, bell furiously.) Carutcanr. Korn! Colonel Korn! (Coronet. Konw enters with « dry expression. His manner ‘throughout is one of leisurely, thinly-veiled derision.) Koran. You rang, sir? Cartcanr. Come in, Kom. I need your adviee, What do you think of this cigarette holder? Kony, It's imitation back onyx with inl ehips of isitation ivory Carncarr. That's not what I mean, Will t help mie be- come a general? Kons. It might, With someone like General. reel, it could be a terrible black eye . .. (Catitensr's face falls). while with someone like General Peckem ‘Canicanz. TL could be another feather in my cap! T thinke 11 take that risk. Now what about that farmhouse of mine in the bills? Kory. A feather in your cap. But only if you use i Carncanr. T hate it there. I've got nothing to do. Tim not even sure where that farmhouse came from or who's paying for it. How'd T get it, anyway? Konw. You stole it Carutcanr. Is that legal? Korw. Sure, Carueant, Well, you're the lawyer and you ought to know. How about these black market tomatees we'te buy- ing up and sling to Mio ilegally? ‘Konw. That's legal, too. Camteane. Currenéy manipslation? ACT YT CATCH-22 31 Kom eon ‘That’s legal also, = ea Se wy 1 tpn resale tec n oy © Si with you, dan mi So Mi oc of ee) ‘Come on in, Chaplain, aes ™ onc aa er Serer aD rat at Then Take to pee i prayers they put my. pads aap He it are you staring at? —— Ciabrats Tomales 1 think aetcuns Wana buy an Gana No Td nk Tecan adie What we yes Ea SEP Pa 2 you anted to apeak te7 cATCH-22 so ‘CuaPcamn, I'm sorry, sit. I happened to be thinking of the Twenty-third Psalm as you said that, ‘CarutcaRt. How does that one go? Cuarcain. That's the one you were just referring to, sir, “The Lord is my shepherd; I~" ‘Catucakr. That’s the one I was just referring to, I's out, What else have you got? CHapcarn. “Save me, O God; for the waters are come 1 don’t like waters. Why don’t wwe try something musical? How about the harps on the willows? CHAPLAIN, That has the rivers of Babylon in it, sit “5 there we sat down, yea, we wept, when we remem bered Zion.” Carmcanr, Zion? Let’s forget that one right now. 1 wonder how it even got in there. I'd like to keep away from the subject of religion altogether if we can. Cuaptatn. I'm sorry, sit. But just about all the prayers know make at least some passing reference to God, Carncanr, Then let's get some new ones, Why can’t we take a more positive approach? Why can't we all pray {or something good, like a direct bit with all our bombs? Couldn't we pray for a direct hit with all our bombs? CCHapcatn, Well, yes, sir, [suppose so. Carucant, Then. that’s’ what well do. It will be a feather in our cap if we pray for a direct hit with all our bbombs—even if we get a direct miss. We can slip you in while we're synchronizing the watches. T don't think there's anything secret about the right time, Will a ‘minute and a half be enough? Cuarcany. Yes, sit, If it doesn't include the time nec- essary to excuse the atheists and admit the enlisted men. Carnicant, What atheists? There are no atheists in my jutfit. Atheism is against the law, isn't it? Cuaptam. No, si. Carmeanr. Then 's un-American, isn’t it? exc ‘arueant, Well, T am!’ I'm not goi i yi lars soak oy Hatt So avian. 1 rey, si, T Just assumed you resent, Sons Canucart. Well, T lon ete CHAPLAIN. No, sir. wh Cemitoant. You mea CHAPLAIN. T think 50, oe Cttaptary, My sister fs an ea Marines, i Impray, The ears of Lie might not ene Seereani: Will that be all, sir? ee ‘aTHCART. Yeah. Unless you' irrat, ve asked me to speak to you about it |, you just spoke ti ti CuapLany. They won y have to ke oe ed ae why they have to ‘keep flying hem it's none of their business, eae 3B ve got a God and 10 ko key hem ou watt wa would you? ace sted an be hay? She's & master sergeant in the4 CATCH-22 aera Cuaptam. Yes, si. Carnicart. Help yourself to a tomato, Chaplain, Go ahead, i on me. That's an order, ‘Chiariars. (Takes a tomato.) ‘Thank you, st: Si ‘Carneant. Thanks for dropping. aro Cuapzann. Yes, sit. (Bracing himself) Sit, W'm partic- ularly concerned about one of the bombardiers, Captain Yossarian Catnicart. Who? Cuapuans. Yossarian, sit. A man was killed in his plane recently and— ‘Cariicat. That’s a fonny name, Ciaran, He's in a very bad way, sits Tm afrald he won't be able to take it much longer without doing some: thing desperate Caruicart. Is that a fact, Chaplain? (Curarcann. Yes, si Vim afraid Its ‘Carntcant. (Poncers.) Tell him it's God's will, That's all now. (CHAPLAIN gives up and exis, CATHCART broods nervously. Wailing suddenty:) 1 want to be a general! (Rings his bell.) Korn! Kom Konw. (Entering.) You rang, sir? Carueant. We may have a big problem, ‘There's a captain named Yossarian who doesn't want to fly the sixty missions. ‘Konw. Yossarian? That's a funny name Carsicant. It's a terrible name, isn't it? There are too many esses init, lke ‘Koen. Odious, and insidious Carucant. Subversive. It's not one of those good, crisp, clean-cut American names like— ‘Korn. (Gelting it in frst.) Kom Carucanr. (Eyeing him resentflly.) Or Catheart. 1 wonder how he ever got to be a captain, anyway. oun. You probably promoted him Carucans. You probably told me to. Koan. T probably told you not to. But you wouldn't listen, ser cater 22 a5 Cartoaes T shold have owt. You never tinen em mC ET, Fm non, 1 en Stop picking on pra isis ate tno man Sel oes. Reise them, i se them. You wont ingress anybody by Cartan A man was kil in ing, OMe man? Cee it wee te to ste wa sre ie just aswell mt hues ee PM Pe led se IMC. Korn, vote right TH rae tem «a ors. Put another feather in yoo cap, AREER WE cetsnly won Ye a Back ee, wi 2 Gloring Kone Jeter) Tete “have ot iol ee Ea jd do you know wha oke> Vin gongs hg Kons. Bologna? Tha’ very brave of you, gaGirtents iis That The cone ia my Pelieve that no target in the world is t iene far them to auaek. Taf Catan Wee the gee es \nd let's get damn tomat “vio Beles ‘he Chaplatn snatches anater gues * © Ml Before (Phey exit, wx Cavs Ba uty tf Cae Banc ents, ubbing his hav are going to Bologna. Ha, he i toe (Crary MT ao se he de ens ee entrain ont wove toa dos Compra Whitcomb, Cone kd detonty.) Whitcomb, Wierrcomn stove ¢ slouches onstage insolent.)36 cATCH-22 nerd Warrtcomn, What's new? Waite, There's nothing new. Was anyone here to see me? , “Wunrconts. No, Just that crackpot Yossarian again. Pitaruamn. Tim not so sure he's a crackpot GTnrthone, That's right, teke bis part. (Stamps ov. ‘Ho wutis back in again.) You always side with other peo- le. Thats one of the things that's wrong, with on “cyuaruann, T dida’t intent 0 aide with him, Twas Just malking a statement, Warrcomn. What did Colonel Catheart want? Cnrenin. Nothing important, He just wanted vo dis cuse the hea of saying prayers in the briefing room before each mission, aro. ALL right, don't tell me. (Stamps out. Ie stomps back in.) You don't have confidence in your men Thebes another one of the things that’s wrong, with you ‘Chuawtats. Yes, 1 do. I have Tots of confidence in you Warrcons. Then what about those letters Cuapcarn. What letters? (Wuerrcoms, How about letting me send out form letters to the next of kin of all the men we love in combat? Cartan. No, no. Not white I'm in charge, GVurrrcomp. Is that so? It’s easy for you to sit there and shake your head, while T do all the work, Didn't you are iat guy from Texas outside in the purple bathrobe see oe vase CAD. man down from the hospital on oficial thisiness, He's conducting an investigation. ‘Cuaruamn. 1 hope you're not in any trouble. Wasrcomp. No, Im not in any trouble, You are. srhey'e going to crack down on you for signing Washing: ton Hiving’s name to all those letters ‘Captain. What letters? Creaetconas. All those letters you're been signlig Wash ington Irving's name to. SSpiapeatn, haven't been signing Washington Irving's name to any letters, aes CATCH-22 37 Waurrcoms, You don’t hav rr aa cou, Yon don't have to He to me, Tim not the Wrtcomp. I don’t care whethe TESS rage nem ma petra Lie ny re a tt on evn Ve fring yak uC Wa ee ts out. Walks back in.) I just did you sed ee eee mt even know i. You don't Enow Rew to show your (ian Bis B ee se Bi OSE gm any un bec _ eh Amt mat tae wit eet eee ae tere it Ent si a a Eiht oe oe ea ting et carpe i ag mL Ee aa ccm on ely sat lb i hart38 cATCH-22 ner ‘And then the CLD. man figured out why. He figure ot ae ner ght have some important secret papers ken aay insice it put, In a tomato? Here, see for yoursel (Wirrcoua. Not me, T don't want it Cuarcams, Please take it, I don't esen want Fears. Ob, no. ont think you're lng to stick ae with it. ‘cna. Tm not trying to sick yon wth Sear not gong to fotRet this (Stamps out avlumpe back i The CHADLAIN Looky up expectant He stamps amps back ont, grinning wi aatsaction.) Meo (Creatly chagrined, takes up, fe thd sedi rting Dear wife. ete is 0 much unbpiness bee rar and there does not seem to be anything in the "Shout. anybody's not even my. own. I have man, Seed to offend Corporal Whiten ayn pnd 1 tera now the Colonel has increase the hurnber nov Krom ona again and volunteered the men {oF Bologna (Exits as) (Buacee enters, chucking, and then Yoswanian ond (CLEVINGER.) osama, (Glumly ) Holo Cawzans Buc. That's Kh Bat lve you bse tae is time you sons of bitches are tealy fn fort HSba, hat (esi, calling fist) Hey, you nuys! DX! you ear the good ness? Hi, his his ‘Yossawian. 1 don't want 10 60 Cuevincun, You have 10. ‘Yossantan. I'm going to be Kill going to be killed. ‘Curvincen. We have to go anyway’ Yossantan. Are you crazy? Convinoen. We're at war, Yossarlan, And we have to obey orders. Toscana, Then 17 change the orders, (Leaving ‘at Bologna, You're ser CATCH-22 a Convince and movi roving v.) Wintergreen! in sn Gurr edie aad wags, sedan at, nd ei cs Wreremonesiy enters from another dieio th ispckt of a a ness fo doch, begins sorting his eters.) T need out be, " our, Evet es. 'm the most eruci suet wi hese ee ‘ossaRtan. You're only a mail clerk and a PF Wrong EBA." wes bate for cling inate sgl (Fes lero to en trou Th Hou in wat eeske) ee. ossantaw. What are you doing? Wocemoain Sorting eters ‘oss. You jus freon up. pAltermenien da Te TC wes tn lng ke the way Jo cnn eters hen yo nthe 9 to the heart of things. Why'd yous Veith ‘or How yo tow as me? WuvruncRstn. T recognized the handwriting. I rec es ee Ses Le ‘man inthe hospital trying to find you . ‘ossanay now ta, Ho you nd ot? abinzmncrien, Tow aay all is reports, Then 1 hen a th oy ing fo won, They ‘missing in action, They've got another sec ageat poking around who thinks it's Major = ossanan Thats um. Cte. agile ea Tease aor Nor ay ban sip Woshingion Tring’ name, Se? You wrote the plan's name once too, didn't you? Yossi For ey iaeruncaceN. I remember the message. “Dear Moi 1 gem forgo agi. alt Poppa Grose hal That seal brought ens oy ye. Sy to buy same Zippo cigarete lighters cheap?40 CATCH-22 act ‘They were stolen right from quartermaster, (Demon strates lighter.) Te eins Milo’s selling those too. And his aren't stolen. olen exoRean. That's what you think, Um selling mine fora buck apiece. What's he getting for his? ‘Yossantan. A dollar and a penny. Wawrencnsen. (Laughing) 1 beat him all the time, dont? "Yostanian. He's pretty sore at you for g petition with him. ‘Huot aucxeen, He's pretty sore at everyone since he convered the market on Egyptian cotton and can't pet rid Strang of it. Okay, pal. Now what can T do for you’ Jedeantan. We have to fly to Bologna, Wavrenoneen. Oh, I know that. I printed the orders Fraranan, Listen—you've got a mimeograph' machine sand you sor the tail. Couldn't you print ap new onic ane hing the mission and send them out to everyuly in volved? Wanvruxenren. Oh, sure. T could do that ‘Yossantaw, What would happen? Wuercnoneen. The mission would be canceled YossaRian. Will you do oeNonzen. Gb, nol I wouldn't do anything lke thee There's a war on, Yossarian, and we all have our Jobs to do, By job Isto unload these Zippo lighers ft > ‘eee i T ean. Your job is to bomb the ammunition roms at Bologna, (Collects his things to leave.) ‘Yossantan. But I might be killed. A eeeamrenzen. Then you'l jst have to be killed: Why cant you be a fatalist about it the way Tam? Tf Bn cart to unload these lighters at a profit, then thts destin going to do. And if you're destined to be Kiled hat Tajoava, then you're going tobe killed, so you might Sus as well go out and die like & man, Gimme © buck, a ae? Rar the lighter. (Tokes a dollar from os: ng into com CATOHA22 41 sams.) T hate to say this, Yorsartan, : SOD atanccomube: (eae ee (Cunvencen enters D.) se ange bce Cathet solniered ve a ean that it’s none of my business how or wl Teel ‘uevincer. Yes. I guess I do, There are beter pos tan we are to dle Howto win the war fossARIAN. Clevinger, open your eyes. It doesn’t make a damned bit of aiference wha wins tl ae ‘OssaRIAN. The enemy os going tog ou killed, no mater whichide Bosom And Sot you (Carrans Back enters.) Buses Okay, ye. Lats gn Tie for Reg sabinem in in ee tnt ee hs ngr you remenet ty the Longer you might live, 7 ee eee Ack. Move alg, you bastard. Move i a essa eta ber cht Mowat is away ajter CuEvincER.) Okay, okay. But a fy er deen Tm ing 3 mage ais is the last time I’m let my fs is ater Curvincrr.) cae land Ace Ha, hy bat Eat your like to see, Eat your liver. > er, kid. That's what 1CATCH-22 ner ession.) (Couarcamt enters with sod expre sao Ms St et adel YOR a Utngs up oracle Bar et) son, That waste baie Haw in al is trust and Seam TS i tld bin Bat +B woul liv mee, (CHARA el with Aad towed Marzo enters, carrying a box of candy, SABIAN.) he a ‘ofter the CHAPLAIN.) an we a ay on ar io th ee, (Taking big bite.) What is KP is eo te a tak HY you didn’ ‘take the goddamn seeds out, eee Te Ye Oe a aie ee mae i Look at that, look at that! ‘There's the Chapl ns Cg, ‘ond goes to Yor aes CATCH-22 “a ‘Yossansaw. He got killed. Mito. Clevinger? Oh, that's terrible. A fellow never had a better buddy then good old Clevinger. Tt really is terrible, And it will get even worse if the mess halls don't buy my cotton. Yossarian, what's the matter with them? Don't they understand thet what's good for me is good for the country? How was T supposed to know there would bbe a ghut? I'm still not even sure what a git is. ‘Yossansax, Ask Doc Daneeka, eb Who ever thouabt the Nie Valley would be so fertile? ‘Yossantan, Pointing.) Sbhhhbht Muto. Is it my fault that I saw this wonderful oppor- tunity to— Oh, the cofint They're lowering the coffin! T can’t watch, T can't just stand here and watch those ress halls let my syndicate die. Yossaian, try eating the test of this chocolate-covered cotton. Maybe it will taste Adlicious now. ‘Yossamtan. Give up, Milo. People ean’t eat cotton. Mito. (Wheedling.) Tt isn't really cotton, It's really cotton candy, delicious cotton candy. Who will buy my delicious cotton candy? Try it and see. Yossantan. Now you're | Mao. Taverbe Yossanian. You're lying now. Marzo. T only lie when it’s necessary. This is better than cotton candy. It’s made out of real cotton. Egyptian cotton is the finest cotton in the world. “Yossanuaw. It's indigestible. Tt will make them sick. Why don't you try living on it yourself if you don't be- lieve me? ‘Mito. I did. ‘YossantaN, And? ‘Mito, It made me sick. Yossawuan. (Turning say.) I's all over, Mito. It’s the end. We'te ruined. And all because T left them free to make their owa decision,4a CATCH-22 ACT emsannn, why dot you a your een 10 te oT ve ent? 10, The government has no. The epee ate iain oe ament is business. Calvin Coolidge sai a ee rament i best president, sO it must be ti. So (he Coolidge was fave the responsiblity of buying all the fermen Te got thet noone ee mans Eiken oi an, unn on lit nat the | :—it's not against the law to eh. een nt ae the 2 na is it it can’t be against make a Prt adr to maka fri? ae ai who to bribe? Bat hw wT hao ht that Make he ee oe hey Ad yon Jot deers exe bi rough nd er Sy abn ee et take my ses ek nan lo reat he gun, eis 8 Ear ns havo enn tones duty meas tise coe. And pot ot the great nee lsh eda rh a Dao, A wen med ot much beet att han T esa Ube Kote eee “Yossarran. Now you're ready ae Me von Sy grt eed Te een ne ig ee (oe mt aa i (EH) ro business in. br swith me? nerd caTCH-22 4s (CHAPLAIN returns D. as Vossantan goes to the clothes- rack, puts on a bathrobe and moves to the bed.) Cunptans, And Vossarian has_gone back into the hospital. (Nussr Duckert enters to attend to. Y SARI4N.) He says—of all things—that he has a stone in his sallvary gland. (Crosses stage and exits.) Nonse Duckett. I think you'r faking again, ‘Yossantan, You're very efficent. Nonst Duckert. I am, Yossaniaw. I may be able to help you. Noxse Ducxert. I don't need your help. Yossetan, Who knows? Maybe... (Moves his ‘hand to Nuns, Duexert’s backside ¢v she bends over cand gives her @ sudden touch, Nuxse Ducwert jumps and lets out a piercing shriek, A Doctor runs up indignantly.) Doctor. What happened? Yossantan. (To Nunss Ducerr.) Hey, take it easy. Cain down, Doctor. (Taking Nugse Duckert’s arm.) Ts any- thing wrong? (Nuwse Deckert screams again ond pulls way jrom Doctor into Yossamsan's arms.) Yossanian. (Putting himsel) between Nuwse Duckert and Doctor.) Take your filthy hands off het. (To Nurse Duckett.) There, there. There, there, my darling, Calm down. Have a good cry, if it will make you feel better. Tm not going to let him harm you Nurse Duckerr. (Wesiles against Yossaman, They embrace, end embrare again with more and mare heat.) Ob, thank you, thank you, darling. You're so kind... Yossamian. Yes. Nonse Deckert. . . . so understanding, Yossamian. T know. Doctor. What is going on here? Yossantan. (As he foudles Nunse Duckert.) Nothing, sir, A litle accident. T happened to have my arm out, Swinging it sort of, and, well.46 CATCH-22 act nace many es Ee tem Peseta Teak all it that. Sok erent, Doron flow dave yu gve hen goue? What are yo ‘both doing? ee ce ean, eb ses ener ean ty Se nw pm ew ae Pema What do je want rom Her? A se od ‘erdent affection.) 1 never i i eo be sw : ‘Docron, Sup it Sp it Let goof each othe, Are you AY Maybe 1 am, Every night T dream Pm nating i fy a Ronse buckere He dreams be’ holding alive fsh in qi yy sen Dyce) Wit of kt tna buoy Ast Pocron What ore know T have trouble telling one i To from another. id of eich ad do you bold? foe ere (Helpful. Tt probably varies with “en 7m to know so ea? And bow come you 20 much abot 4? (Noxse Duewerr tags lonely.) aera CATCH-22 S ‘Yossantaw. She's in the dream. Doctor. Well, I've got a man on my staff to listen to dliggusting dreams like that. You go see Major Sanderson right now. (Points indignontly toword desk and exits.) (Mayon SaNoERsON, the psychiatrist, enters and sects ‘himself at desk. Yossasian rises from bed and moves 40 hina, white Nunse, Ducer? lies back conijortably ‘with a magazine.) Psvcntaraisr, Come in, Come in, please, I'm Major Sanderson, your friendly staff psychiatrist. But you can call me Doctor. Just why do you think, by the way, that Colonel Ferridge finds your dream so disgusting? Yossanuan. T suppose it's either some quality in the dream or some quality in Colonel Ferridge. Pevcuatnisr. That's very well put. For some reason, Colonel Ferridge has always reminded me of a sea gull He doesn't have much faith in paychiatry, you know. ‘Yossantaw. You don't like sea gulls, do you? Psvertazmist. No, not very much, | think your dream is charming, and I hope it recurs frequently. ‘This fish ‘you're holding in your hand. What does it remind you of? Yossanian. (Whistles a moment in amasement os he ponders ¢ reply.) Otber fish, Psvouaraisr. And what do other fish remind you of? Yossanuan. (Pouses a moment again.) Other fish, Povcmarnist. (Disappointed.) 1 see. Vm afraid that this line of exploration is leading us nowhere. T'd like to show you some ink blots now to find out what certain shapes and colors— ‘Yossanian. Sex, Psvcurareisr. What? Yossanan. Everything reminds ne of sex, disvonarnir. (enced) "Does 12 Now we'e really setting somewhere! ever have any good sex dreams? “ Bee8 CATCH-22 ner “Yossantan. My fish dream isa ex dream, Hossam san, (Gradually corred away.) No, T mest wu grab some beautice ee ear and sp oft her clothes and throw het do" roma and burst into teas because you love, cn) to ravish each you don't know what to a0 (Slavs: hate bem nd f sex dreams Tike to talk about. Dont Fou ever have sex dreams Uke that? eae ean (Reflects @ moment.) That's @ fh dream. Yossamuns, (Repecous as vhough slapped.) Yes, oF coe Bat Td tke you to dream one Tike that, sny™=Y our ace how yo reac. That wl be al forty een (Walks from the desk to Nuwsé DUcorte on aa bad They embrace.) Vm worried about Maict oe pede feos 20 rejected already. Tave you Bet any good dreams for him? dood dreguere. Tve been having & very peclie 1 cream that I'm out swimaning reat ee my head and a shark Is eating my J rat gaat, That's. « wonderful dream! 1 bet, Malet eM Tove Ie (Walks Back fo Mayon SANDER sox.) N) arntst. That’s 2 horrible dream! T'm sare Yo an jt te pita re. Tm not even sure you Belons tae iy with a dogusting dream Hike thet, «A tan. (Sigly.) Pethaps you're right, sit Poventerast. ell me, Fortioti, why — Yossantan. Who? YossamNge, Fortion—why did you touch Nurse esta familiarly in such an intimate place? arr didnt do anything of the Kind. 1 geve Per a goose. That's all ‘Psvemmatarst. All give gooses 1o— "Yorsanian. Geese. Fess ees, of course. Geese, Has IS ays erat habit to give geeses to all the women You meet? 2 Hias it always been your habit to — CATCH-22 cy OSSARIAN. B No, not all... but... well cmarmst. Idan nk 1 ee ene Yossi ame one __Bacunon our ne iti! And. .otielalshray coed tight here to prove it, eet ‘enna Oh eae Mao ot aon who Priisnar: Wal [ Bhcwar, Wel you drt ag ats ou so aa Thala a ee ree a at eerterer meu bat og lala ete tae oor eb cle ne iat even yn ref nny eon engugh to take it? eae s eee Me Ga ot Tg ihe oi berate (ie rage) tank font wie The ui wil you ha yn Sk ole too pod for all the conventions of society Ye oie Mk jst oe ra, a a Nae Herat tne eh fo oct ter satin abi) Ne 8 ara, way poloned, isciplined, maladjusted young man 7 Yowsisian. (Facial) ‘Ves, sir. I guess you're right. tog tothe en sacar ouge i ae Medial (Wade Rs think that’s true, cohstamaznist: You have a morbid arson to dyin (Yosser agcin, sheepisy.) Subconsciously Eb i ton}, eee many pee Jo80 cATCH-22 acta ‘Yoxsaman, Conslusly, st consiousy. I hate them conscious. And Til tell you something ese. Misery eae needs) Ye tI think misery on Peseta: Vience depresses you, Creed deren ot ere depres you, Carp, dress You now, it wouldn't surprise me if yo cia en ets Ta, ouatse Bont try to deny It a Poin inno ening iy Tage with every ing you've sal rd (OR Fomarist,Ab-hat So you admit youre cry yo santa, Crazy? Why is an of that crany? You'e Cee mmrsCalig ae crazy isa typi adie vee gral ection, Won raya ae \sSARIAN. Then why don't you send me home eat Porcuumaisr And tm. golng #0 send you Bot CFFet ham Uaies from the desk back to Nowe ocnars) ej, baby, guess what! They're going send me home! Dv sending Foto hone tecae Be red ack to your sure i, eta, ean ote mie oe who's nae! (eases of his asp robe and charges) Do Sect bee Daneel e (Drea enters qloomily, wearing a heavy shoe Wis shoulders) a oe axes Tim col Ue pot thi il al the dine, Ted Nabody even cares ody ca el newb Nobody xen es wc Dost Listen me, Do you 1 cron, Noy dsing, te not, They te ace a CATCH-22 st they just told me up at the hospital? I'm erazy. Did you now that? Doc Dawsrxa. So? Yossartan. Really crazy. Doc Daweea. So? ‘Yossanian. I'm muts. Cuckoo, Don't you understand? T’m off my rocker. I am insane, Doc Dawerxa, So? ‘Yossanian, So? Don't you see what that means? Now you can take me off combat duty and send me home. Theyre not going to send a erary man out to be killed, are theyi Doc Danrexa, Who else will go? (Zsits.) (ossaxran sits down and stares pensively. Nese Dvexerr moves forward t0 join him.) Nonse Dockers. What are you doing out here? Yossantaw. Feeling sad. What a lous carte Nossx Ducxere: Cher up, darling Cant you? Yossaman, “Its, cold—a” col, cold” planet, Doc Daneeka's cold, and I'm eld, Nonse Duckarr. (Sitting doum beside dim.) Weve sil got alot to be thankful for, ‘Yossanuaw. Have we? You've a scatterrain, but I love you. To whom shoud we be thankful? God ‘Norse Docker, No, not God. You know very well 1 doit lew in Got a much as you ont ossaninn. Kiss me, And atop brageing. (They As Name one thing Dve got to be thankfal fay, i) Ui Dockert, Well. me. Aten you thankful se NOSHBUN. Sore Dut bet can name two things to miserable about for every one you an renee he ‘thankful for, a * . Norse Dockers. Be thankful you're healthy Yossanian. He biter you're aot going to’stay that way.CATCH-22 nerd nonse Ducuert Be glad yovre aT. Nonse Ducts Faion youre wing 0 de Fone ings oil be much woe, Yona They eat Moss They eye ang ly one thine: You aah could ee 0 rh ig you cold Ca tll me Gd won I YS Sosa, J ater abou He's ok wee Tavs es paying gall Hes YF ghee not tot way APE Roney He might punish 32% i honey, He Pee png me envah? WHY een a Te ever rete pain? ch THe every Fain Is a wt symptom F odiy dines in is 9. arg erent the dangers? Oh Hes een abt ous when He ase oP realy being er Hi get aay DH 2 a om, we mae i abut On te Jooent BY, oh Hind of, God 99,9 hi io ane cle enon 1 BP tea he gone by His neck and — : at He J feral) op Stop CS bs oman! te Head 8 od) ti ey rts tsi ros Oey Eas. What e300 EC oi Pout you aid believe in God. her tear) t dont 3st God, rae st Runge DucKert. (Saipting be Bex ne God 7 don't believe in 1s & good, ut te God. Not the mean and stupid God Yo Him out to be. im on ian, (Laughs and comjorts her) OMY then— sete ne a lithe more religous freedom betwee ‘You let's have Sein the God you want to 4 T WOVE believe dont tad 1 want to, Hs that a deal? (She od ‘amiling, wai returns his kiss.) Thank God. rebum ort, 1 like you, Exen when yow'ee Say" Nimes Tan is that why you're trying © ChenEE ‘me? ere CATCH-22 53 Noase Dockers. Of . rr Of course, eoulh stl dow sone ny yu Te oor a Yossi Tales get sad when Fst at the sea Yoruas: Snowden and Cicinger Sone ge ac tn Os ph pee Reale be cl ner Troan ge ther bean? SERS wht Fe heat Sle worn Segre ace nse Docxxrt, Were = ie at moet ‘Must we all? * Nove Ducat Ta wit the dor ay gtesane Tn tt meh ore br ce? tat, Trek ong he ral ofthe dead the people ve ever el te no lage ale the ol ete Lew a te ea ee later: Ite apres my x he erence heye all dend nom. THe numberof dead ast soe owing doa HP 1 my seg bn cach woming an ht whet Th of when Take wp, i len, Clevinger, the roll call begins. mae “Pe Sfme Docu: adhe ean da hey. wy 0 ou Yossni, Weve fring to ie en Pn Ow Meuse Deceers et Noseau No Tt think yooh eee you TH be much eter of mating somebody hap End stabe: Uke « doctor. Tm epaag toes yor, = elas to aie oe santa, used to thik 1 was a ns ae that y the ve T gee of al you peopl cute for exerything “But now Tis a grownEI CATCH-22 nord ‘up, and you haven't, and I know T won't, I know Y'm ‘going to lose. uu foxse Ducxet. Don’t cry; darling. Sepa el Se ae Shy 3 chillin the ait. And the spray. T ; a ca to le dot wan ode for Colonel Cath ‘Nunse srt, Then don’t, Shhh. Be calm, dari , jurse Duckes : Giant are yu ke hs se you of Ser errs And then T lve to saisty you. Fm 20 gad on ee eng lke that and T wil want to "ukde Dockers, Tell me truthfally. Am 1 the only sink you ever loved? Seactnooet T'm so glad. (They move V:) CURTAIN ACT TWO Yossawa enters v., carrying a bottle of beer. He carries ‘© small overnight bag into which he finishes putting some toilet articles as he talks. One of the desks it covered with a red tablectoth. ‘Yossantaw. My pal Nately is @ pretty good kid, But a little crazy, too, He had a bad start: he came from a good family. Why, the poor boy had even had a very happy od. He got on well with all his brothers and sisters, id he did not hate his mother and father, even though they had both been very good to him. (Narzcy enters v. with his Fariee and Moraes, Narety wears his uniform ond carries a small over- night bag.) Farner, Son, always remember that your mother is a Daughter of the American Revolution. Mori. And your father is a son of a bitch Farner, You are not a Vanderbilt... Morne. . . . whose fortune was made by a vulgar tugboat captain; or a Rockefeller FATHER. . . . whose wealth was amassed through un- serupelous speclatons in very crade petroleum. You are a Nately. fo MOTHER. And we Natelys have never done anything for our money. Farr. It is my wish that you join the Air Corps, ‘here you can train safely as a pilot while the war ends ‘Mortten. As an officer, you will frequent only the very best places and associate only with gentlemen. (Narevy, nodding constantly, shakes hands with his ss6 caTest-22 norm is Moruea. As they esi, Em goes tts ja Yosansy. LIGHTS Dibé fo ate evering, then wiht) sit aa Ve ke Fee st yk (Nateuy's Wuore enters in shirt and slip, ond embraces him warmly.) Narety's Wrtone. Hey, carof Caro mio! T miss you s0 much, (The Oty Maw and the Ovo Wowan drift én, smiting,) nen; Get dred Nevetv's Woon: (Paced) Perckot owe Nive? Bec dont wet ter ment fib al your dates on, a ’s Wutore. Perch? no? . NATELY Perot nat Tecause it so iht, cats why. ‘Naruuy’s Wiors, ‘Why not? Naren. Wig mi? Bette Lays! om 208 eT ford you to eave jour team uness you hav al urunv's Wore, Are you crazy? Tu sepia! (Be- Fee hl dit want you evr to tlk tome that Nareuv’s Witone, No? Tw sei pazso! Idiotal Tu se wpe ntl eet can yea tolwatal et all the ite aod se that ake behaves pre tly. ner CATCH-22 37 Oub Woman. Lui @ paceo? Nossasian. Si, He is stark, raving paszo, Natayy, (To Yossanian.) From now om, T don't want ‘you to look at her unless she's fully dressed, Nossasiax. Then make her keep her clothes on, Navevy. (4 bit pathetically.) She won't listen to me $0 from now on, maybe you ooghe to stop hanging around Yossaxra, Why should 1? It's my whorehouse. Naraty. Then lool in another direction. Please? (Natevv's Wuone returns, buttoning her blouse.) Narriy’s Witons. Merrone? Oto Wows. arrover Natsuy. (To Ow Ala to hang around here ether Oto Ma's mp hose Nareuy. (rowing is honds up.) Marrone! Yossamiax. The next thing you know, youll try to ine her give up hsting Nareny, (To Wntoe) From now cn, I forbid you to be a postite any more Natniy's Wore Percd? Narnuy.Perchi? I's ot nice, all the money you need Navevy’s Wont. And what will do all day instead? Norevy. What all your fends, Nerv’s Witone. My frends ate all prostitutes Narecy. Then get new trends! Prottston bad! Berybody knows that, even him, (Toning 10 the Oto Mae) Right? Oto Maw, Wrong. 1t provides fresh ait and lots of islam etree arazy, From pow on, I never want you to speak with this wicked old man. nai Natsuv’s Witors. Va fongut/ What does he want from ) You too. I don't want you that's why! Tl give youCATCH-22 act iy friends are so bad, tell your friends yd ficky-fick all the time with my friends! lens (To Yossantan.) From now on, 1 thinks oe aT aa fellows ought to sop shacking up with Ret Tiends and settle down and get married 100. ‘Yossanian. Ve fongull Orn Man. He's crazy, ee ees Wntone. What's the matter with you? Narra saaw, B posso, That's what's the matter with bin, my eve’s Wuone. Si B paszo. Now that you made me get all dressed, I'm going to bed tall dress the matter with everyone? Are you all crazy? Aayt uv’s Watore. Are you coming? (Ets) Naren (Taking his overnight bag.) Tim goin (Roles Navaty’s hai.) So Tong, Kid, Have # nice eave. (Exits.) a ty Why doesn't anybody listen to me? Nar ey, should we? You are so brave, and pose and silly, You should ty to be mare ike me ‘Narzuy. You? You're immoral! (Ou Max. Of course Norecy, Don’t you have any principles? ‘Orn Man. Not many. Naren, Any patriotism? Oro Man. Not really Quo Mans By should be ashamed! You're eyes, s+ fsh, and unscrupulous a fram also a hundred and seven yeas ol see you don't believe that, either ‘Siveny, I don't believe anything you say. Narere, 1 Gita pity. Becmuse thoy are going {0 WAL Out you don'e watch out. How old are you? ‘Twenty: Five? ‘Twenty-six? "Naraty. Nineteen. 8 sme? If you think ‘not to come here 1 be twenty in three weeks scr ase CATCH-22 2 Mase I you tive, 2 ira ‘i QTE" Wrlone. (Ofstage.) Hey, Nately! Come to Nea ee ae and me. t's a highly personal matter between her > Man. Allright, Go att ma "ight. Go attend to your bi mate, And i willock the tend to your highly personal etforang avery patrctc duiye 2 na Pretend yo (Narexy exits toward Waone,) Oxo Wouan. B poszo? Ovo Maw : ea Mas (Shrvgging sey.) $i, B passe, (They (ossanuan reappears, looking grim.) Sop taro a wh (Natety's Wi es Naday, He's i son. We Needed i eee ie se this stupid mission ie oo wi oe ewe fOSSARIAN, (Flinginy , ) What a cc A obra es cr bm ee »P! Listen to me, will you? rte Meo (arate Won dives “ dives Jor the etter opener rm hr sino hot terse of aS eo tod ear aa Op Wouan, Nately. Dead.a CATCH-22 ner m ‘Yossantan. (Troists te scissors from her grasp.) But aidn't do it (To Navevy's Waore.) Now calm down, Pease. That's better, Yeah. Now you're being reasonable {Nuriiv's Witone kicks him in the groin. YossARlAan Apubles over with a loud, quavering moan. Narexy's Siitonn mands im with both fists and rushes out.) Dur bitch! Why is she blaming me? Go talk to ber, will you? TiMak shell listen now. Try to get her— (NarELY’s “euomn returns with a Long Bread kaiJe and goes for Vos Shuaan's back.) Ob, no! (YOssaRtan struggles with her ‘ond knocks the kxije from her hand.) Goddamn you! What do you want from me? (They fall om the bed, Yossanian on top of her, grappling. She begins embracing ) ‘Narecy's Wxore, Ooooh, caro. Yousanuaw. There, there. That's better. There, there Naraty's Wxone, Kiss me. Caro mio. Ooooh. Kiss me again, ‘Yowsantan. (Responds to ker embraces. As one of her hands caresses and excites him, the other gropes for the prfe.) That's good now. There, there, Should we be doing this? ‘Nataiv's Wutorr, Si. Yousanian. Is it right, that you and T should be Natunx's Wecone. (Raising the knife to plunge it into dis back.) Si! We’ right. Vossansax, (Turns in time, He grabs the knife from her and hurls it aoay. She Begins to weep. Consoling her.) Please. There, there, that’s right—have a good cty if it Will make you feel better. There, there, (Gives her his shandkerchie}.) ‘Nareuy's Witone. (Meekly.) Grasic. (Sniftes, ond dries her tears.) Grosie. Grazie. (Claws viciously ot his eyes.) Hal Assassino! Yoseanan. (Half-blinded, flings her away. She goes Jor the brije. He gets it rst ond hurls it away. He moves Joward she door) 'm getting the bell out of here. (3fakes act ar CATCH-22 6 cokapecik fiat she starts after in. She stops ond ee ’¢ Oud Man.) I was only try- Ow Man. You go now--with your help (Wossanran bolts past and circtes v., es Ouw Maw and ‘tp Won fe! Navat Lt enters ond ys Foss A A Yossan pikosenA®. Why was she blaming me? 1 didn’t ill Crarcawy. We didn’t save him, eth sa Nsymun vena the way to ome to doer a Sava. sive her money and help her get CHAPLAIN, Are i thing ™AM Ae you sure you didn't imagine the whole Yossazun, Huh? (Narsay's Woe Won, arn 0 ack mas Ye, a 666 fale mustache poetberenth tes, comes tiptocing out behind ossuan ih ag ie rae as ie he {CHAPLAIN That you didn't just imag . eat Dat ye jot ina at Nays (Yossanian whirls ar SHIRES, irs around in time to grab Nataix's 16S at him with the brie.) Narny's Whore. Cre Yossantin, (Taker ay the teen A, out.) McWatt! McWatt! oat Tt er got (Running ve fe ae Nareue's Wrote. Otay T pve Jou heed Ba7 CATCH-22 act tt cul ke J cuca Babee 34 lie ioe ete wee hac sh oe im agoin. His dilemma is excruciating, He re a, Fi ac eet ts Nore a rows it over her eee mableloth from the table and tows i ver Feed as Meat Flere, othr Hold Ber, Do it et as ra forge, ye What the ell.» (Si NMS Wont and alt her ofstege) ‘Yosnznx. Whew ie hat ace you doing with her eta, tia oa fy ber bck fo Ree and ae ae apo. Boy, an ed to be rid Chama ASEAN OP i and Jeeta 1 nr ona ot re, (7H rm mr naginary nose) Mayo sel fd erway back, 2 acing te wile ME Soon. Watt ERIN Tt she ted WMH Gear, Tgiog? ou were Hight hee yes paket Att Mybe in tain — See Mage you're ony maging that yo vain es (Et en ieee ito to dese) Dearie, T tink La sae ite Teena. tht sehing Mappens has happened belore and i gong to Rappen say ules someone tars up ae does meting tha Sip everyting Gat has happened fm. happening nt ‘And now my assistant, Corporal Whitcomt is TEED demote ta Sergeant. (WItTComD enters, wearing en) Naty te, of course. were OP wh you. Right Cathart wants to se Meer ed have scent pr toma, *iamcauns T didnt steal any plum tomato act m CATCH-22 63 Wirrcoxn. Vm not the one you have to convince, He ‘ants to see you about the letters. Citarcann: What letters? Wurrcons. You never should have signed Weshington Iving’s name to those letters. Craruatn, (dr exasperated shout.) I didn't sign Wash- ington Irving's name to any leterst Warrcowe. Not those letters. He wants to see you boat the form letters I want to send home tothe fares of casuals, Craruawy, Those? How did he find out about them? Wrrcoun, I went to his office and told hit. Cuarcm. You did what? Corporal Whitcomb, do Wanrcoum. Sergeant, I's Sergeant Whitcomb now, Cnatsan. Do you mean to tell me that you went over my head to the Colonel without asking tay permission? Waurcon. Yep, I sure did. And he promoted me, Him and ine are pretty good friends now, 30 you better watch out. (Cuiam.aas esits in back of wall behind other desk.) You know something? ‘That dumb bastard really thinks its one of the best ideas he's ever heard. (Eis, ts:) (Carucanr enters and goes to desk, weoring Indian head adress and carrying his bell, talking to CHAPLAIN, who follows.) Carucanr. W's a great idea, It might even get me into Life magazine, What are you staring at? (Crapiams. Your bat. it’s Indian, Carncanr. Ob, These are all feathers in my cap, And soon T'm going to have one more. You've got @ good man in Corporal Whitcomb. I hope you've got brains enough to appreciate that. CuapLain. Sergeant Whitcomb, Carticarr, I said Sergeant Whitcomb, Did you steal a plum tomato from me? Corporal Whitcomb sas you did Cuaptamn. No, sit. You gave it to me.“4 cATCH-22 acto Ccasmeaer, Have you been writing Washington Irving naa ius? Sergeant. Whitcomb says you've been doing that, t00 ‘Chapiars. No sir. E haven't. Gramuane Te afraid T'm going to have to lok fn0 wear rTtrger moe closely. In the meantime, I ane a thes oral Whitcomb io wre a see es of Jo eee me to the next of Kin of every Tan wes candoleMunded or missing in action. I wont these Jens Hed wats of personal details so there be no doubt Tear every word yOu say me Ove ‘Sie, thar's Impossible! We don't know all the meg that wel «Me vr, So what? Sergeant Whitcomb brought me sree oem tte that takes cate of every situation, his ai (orga Miss, or Mr, and Mrs. blank.” PU tom nay cannot expres the deep personal fe) the neticaced when your husband, so, fer or BroQyey 1 exotica wounded, or reported missing inaction” Was elkat opening sentence sums up my, sentiments cf thine Chaplain, maybe you'd beter Tet Corporal Whi om run this whole program, ‘Couavians, Yes, sir, If you ins CuaPLa Goss Say! think 1 voluntees the grouP for Avignon aga ‘Curarcaax. Avignon? ar Why now? The, sooner we get some eae The sone me can make some progress on tS, cas aging his bal.) Get me Captain Black! Blac! {ve got good news for you (Buacn enters chorlng os Cnaeuane ests Bind Cae cant.) Brack. Avignon? Eat your liver, boys. Ho, ho, ho. This time you bastards are really in for it. (ofossanase and McWarr entero, and take porate Thornesses from the coatrack,) act a CATCH-22 6 —— peas st es aoe IAN. That's where that radio-gunner of mine was TE acne eee area head, He always feels aa oe ee ue T feel cold. | sehen cae Fight pay witout gong ito tonsa os SOR to ec eee See Tt, (Gos ond Wes enter sed Ws etry tring te medic! jc nd cnging some light medal prepleraaia) Ge: oo mwat 5S. Cert la guerre, Ob, darn, Look who's her. (Doc Danse enters, sith € DANERIA els wih tharmometer i is moth Doc Disexa, Ninety six pt DOG parraen, Nees Palo ogh. Te fn igh 0 anything wrong with me? the time. Can’t you find Gus. You're dead, sir. Wes, That's prot oa probably the reason you always feel so1-2 ner Cy CATCH-22 se Danes. What ae you wing oR? Boe Dawns: Wha prc show that YOu went «gl Sea there were no suse, 309 ave ben ile : a Te ben EN ye ld you've get any temper 21 al nc, Have you both gone can? Tm ging Dic ms teat i laa oe Be eer Te en, inn ot i a oe Sonitiend ly iron, eg i ne Foe baer a ay sao bow U8 wa x wet ang Bec aan Ney OPE on ttre ds Re eae De i FS ye Was Dre wee yj! lari (Towsex ents os Winrznonzen enters, reading 0 tle vam) Winruncaesn. (Calin) Hey, lady! Here Doom’ Wins eter v- Warancnin Kd ie ras Wand moves crass sage 10.0 ‘ceca guries rom the other side.) : nek Doe Daserka. Pm Doctor Dane oe anne Te been reading al about 0, Wontzscase Tyas telegram gone ovt yet? 18 m3 write been noted? ie errant (Wedding) Dot, YOU yo erat ae ging to get event idem. cam count on me. ing that's coming. acto CATCH-22 ry Doc Danerka. What survivors? I'm tight— ‘Mrs. Danzeka, (Lets out a scream. Danzexa sits down at a desk and begins scribbling furiously.) Mother! Mal On! (Daneesa's Moruerin-Law enters and reads telegram.) He's dead, He's deed. Mornee-in-Law. I never really liked him anyway. ‘Mas, DaNzexa. What ara I going to do? (Warenoreen crosses stage and hands @ paper to Morune-in-Law.) Mortenan-Law. Here's his G.I, Insurance policy for ten thousand dollars, ‘Mas. DaNerxa It's not enough, Doc Dawtrxa. (Hands letter to WitenoRees.) Please, Mall this out, (Bxits, WiNTEROREEN passes the letter to Maus, Danesixa,) ‘Mrs. Dannexa, Mom! It's a mistake. He's alive. Isnt that wonvtrful? ‘Morueras-Law. Well have to give back the ten thousand. ‘Mrs. DaweekA. (IWriting.) I don’t care. “I was so happy to hear you're alive." (Seals letter and hands it £0 Wintexoazan.) He wants me to send a telegram to the War Department. (Hands telegrom to Wuvtencxszn,) Tt was all an error. He's alive and well and bappy. (Watenonnen Bangs the letter sith a rubber stamper and hands it right back, Reading:) “Killed in action.” (Warencasen hands a telegrom to Mornen-aN-Law.) Mornzaw-Law. “We regret to inform you there has ‘been no error. Your husband is dead, dead as a doorneil. ‘Stop. You are undoubtedly the victim of some sadistic forger. We suggest you move, Stop. The President is sorry.” Doe Danzska. (Returning.) I'm expecting an impor tant letter from my wilea CATCH-22 me Wavrenonen. (Shakes iis head.) You're dead, Doc. Doo Panerict. I've got to do something. sits.) ‘Mins, Dangers. What am T going to do? Morner-in-Lew, Keep the ten thousand. Wivreacness. These might help. (Honds letters to them.) Moynenin-Law. I's from the Veterans’ Administra- tion, You're entitled to pension benefits for the rest of Your nature life. Isn't that wonderful? And to a bural IMowance of to bundred and fifty dollars, Sine Dawizna. Tiete's one from the Soctal Security Administestion, [seems that under the provisions of id Age and Survivors Insurance Act of 1935, Tl receive ‘monthly support for myself and the children until they Teach eighteen. And a burial allowance of two hundred and fifty dollars. ‘Moritenin-Law. (From a drawer in the desk.) Wow! Look at these. Three life insurance policies for fifty thow- sand each, ‘Mins, DANcexA, Mather, I want you to know that all these bundreds of thousands of dollars are not worth @ Sfezle penny to me without my devoted husband to share this good fortune with me. WVINTEROREEN. Avg, that’s no way to look at it, 1M bet your husband would’ want you to make @ new life for yourself. Mas, DANEEKA. E wouldn't know where to start Woerexonznn, Get yourself some better clothes. That looks like 2 pretty nifty Dyure you've got there ‘Mornie-iN-Law. And dye your hair blonde. Mas. Danzexa, Should 1? Iwill WinrenoneeN, That's the spirit. Look ot these. Mas, Daneeka, His fraternal lodge is giving us & cemetery plot, Isn't that sweet? MormecLaw. His county medical association is giving bim a bral allowance of two hundred and fifty ‘olin. act CATCH-22 o Mrs. Dawesna, think it’ j aM think i's jost wonder the w ay People are doing so much to help us toy hn 7 (Doc Daneexa enters.) Doc Davenka, I'm havi i weg Panam Tm having a tele time eying to ‘Wavreroreen, Dust lt “ Dust thou wert, and dust thou shall re- (Cuaptany enters.) ok avy ay et. Thy tok gay my terre Ann. Where do you live? r sie ketaueet so leadquarters to see what I car its Doc Daneeta sts din ad wrt)" (PSH © (Senovant Wentcous strides in, licking an envelope.) Nimnconn Jo ld the Chip and now 1 at you Clone! Koi sy i eer es Cyen on yu a Feil ve you ceraed onthe pt (70 Wirzont} Sou eter wine om Coe Cae Doc Dasierks, Wintergreen, send th mediately. 18 my lat chance” ns Fetes out fm70 CATCH-22 act at Wavrenorean, Sure, Doe, (Takes teller ond honds a Wins Draenaa He hands Werconns letter to Dawezna's Morten in-Lav) Siar Dwesna Mother i's fom him! He sty e' aanttae ante me fo write directly to his exone for prot. Colne Cathcart. Storneman-Law. Wait, This Jeter 4 from Clone catear. : sae pucenka. (Reading) “Dear Mrs, Mr Mis oF aut and Mrs Dawa Words cannot ces the Meant get Teapeneneed when your husband, sO Peet bother we led, wounded, or reported missing ‘Mornisan-Law. T think we ought to move. (Mrs. DANEEKA nods, they exit as WINTERGREEN passes aM en ‘velope to DANEEKA.) ‘Doc DanEEKa. Left no forwarding address, huh? Guess might just as well give up the ghost. "Winrexonzen. That's the spirit. (ds Dawe exits u. the CLD. MAN enters 0. wearing 1 trench coat with collar up and glancing all about swith on air of suspicious authority.) CLD. Man. Hey, you! I'm looking for— . WavrencneEn. T'know, I know. 1 know everything. See Sergeant Towser in the orderly room. (Exits.) (Towser enters near desk ond C.LD. MAN opproackes him.) CLD, Man. (In a manner of lofty superiority.) T have to see Major Major right away. It's a matter of great secrecy and importance. "Towser, Will you have a seat? CLD. Man. Thank you, Sergeant. Is he in? Towser. Yes, si. He is cin WieRucuae al care eprint pone Sir? ve Towser. What was your question? hs Towsre. Just until he goes out to lu Ne. ba text tien, nw? you wish until he comes back, ia eee reretas Fut i eta Ty nee ih i oe ott oo _ Sone Ne RE ee el ssn on os pea eer hoess Never. ae ha LIDS Beton tye sep Yo FS i al me weve ape es arrest until I do. mei (eiRED, Ye ea Towser. Yes, sir. (C.D, MAN shoves Towser towar are ac, GLO, Met tse owes ad Peep ar er Pua cher Mary cite tegen, ene cmc Been St SSSTM GS REST tama ner oomn CATCH-22 ner ‘Towser. Yes, sit. But there's a CLD. man outside who wants to sce you. He's going to keep me under arrest until you do see him, Won't you see him? ‘Mayor Masor. Send him in Towser. Thank you, sir. (Moving ofstage to CLD. Max.) Its all right, sit, Please go in. (Mayor Mason ‘puts on his mustache and glasses os Towser leaves and Sols forthe window, Fust ashe ts ready to jump throws, the CLD. Max davles up om the outside and bors kis tway. The two confront each other @ moment in stem silence.) CLD. Man. Major Major? Mayor Mayor. No. CLD, Maw. Then you're under arrest, ‘Mayon Mayon. Yes. CLD. Max. Then Thave to talk to you. Mayor Mayor. (Removing is disguise.) Okay. Go around again and come inside. (Leaves the window and relies to the desk, CLD. MAn moves from the window ‘and disappears in bark of the wall. As soon as the C.LD. ‘Maw és out of sight, Mayor Major replaces his mustache ‘and glasses and dashes for the window again. Just as he i reardy to leap through, the CLD. MAN arrives ramming fon the other side of the window and blocks him again.) ‘Okay. Come on in. (CLD. Maw enters through the window. Mayor Mazon remover his mustache and sunglasses.) CLD. Man. I'm from the C1.D. You're the only one in the squadron who knows. ‘Mayon Mayor. Sergeant Towser knows. CAD. Manz. I had to tell him in order to see you. But hhe won't tell a soul ‘Mayor Major. He told me. CLD. Max. That bastard. 11 throw a security check con him tight away. I wouldn't leave any top-secret docu iments lying around if I were you. inked cATCH-22 ‘a iin sie rat oer ees a _ EER seen em ssi at re ak a SHES ws pa or ne nee snc al ee wag ine ene censored mai it t Lid San lt Pi ay Micer. Can you make out his signature? . moe 5 ‘Mayor Major. ‘No. ee SN ar A [A] Irving Washington. (Shakes his CLD, Man. How about these m 7 one wine previo eS hen re ee mat a i to an ite SHEED seed reo snmp ensniar bobe .) How about this (Gives Mayon Mason shila ie Bae Me an ‘D. Man. Do you know who Albert T. Tabt is Con Maron, He's the group chaplain, ae “ILD. Man. That locks it uf rashin, fir SEE SO ae rtp Be GB a te one CLD. Man. Why shou! ona letter? WHY Should the group chaplain write this" CATCH-22 ace ‘Mayor Mayor. Perhaps somebody else wrote it and forged his name. ‘C1LD. MAN. Why should somebody want to forge the group chaplain’s name? . Mayox Mayor. To escape detection CLD. Man. You may be right. Maybe we're con- fronted with two men who have opposite names, One.of them here in the squairon, one of them up at the hospital, and one of them ‘with the chaplain, That makes three ‘men, doesn't it? Are you absolutely sure you never sar any of these documents before? ‘Mason Major. I would have signed them if T had. CLD. Man. (Iith abrupt cunning.) With whose name? Yours or Washington Irving's? ‘Mayor Mayor. With my own, I don't even know Washington Irving's name. CLD. Man, (Bmbracing him gratefully.) Major, Tm lad you're in the clear. We'll be able to work together. You keep your eyes open and let me know the minute you hear anyone even talking about Washington Irving. Tl throw a security check on the chaplain, Towser and everyone else. (The CLD. Maw exits through the door. The Texan, ‘wearing his maroon hiospitat bathrobe, enters through the window excitedly.) ‘Texas, Who was that man? Mayon Major, He's a C.LD. man. ‘Texan. Like hell he ist I'm the CLD. man around here. (Whining.) 1 shouldn't even be here. I should be back at the hospital. I'm really a very sick man. I've got this terrible cough I can't shake. Mayor Mason. I'm very sorry. ‘Texan. Alot of good that does me. You haven’t heard ‘anyone talking about Washington Irving, have you? ‘Major Major. Yes, That man who was just in here He was talking about Washington Irving act m caTcH-zz 15 Toxin, Great! This might be j a is mint be jst the bres we You keep him under srvellance cneniydor tee ee wile Trish bach tothe hone (Cetses trough the widows) ME MY report pe ie mR. He here talking to me, & man jumping out the wind t 2 Se tie ee You know where we can find him? mite niotD Bay Thats great 1 go tight up thereafter (Brits we eg eT could se a checkup mya (Mazon BAsoR welches him go, puts on bis falee iz and enormous sunglasies, ond starks sat tie uindow. The Cuarunin a Jocetajoce) TP SPbcars and the Two come bor bu 9 og GqiOR Mazon. Twas coming to sce you for help RAPLAIN. T was hep. se a ea 816 CATCH-22 der it , fe, Ie thee & God, iapcac, (Moving ».) My dear wit. Is ‘te nl Sam, ht ea ue mo ne seems as nprtant toe atthe single matter of go (Yossanian enters p. and joins hiv.) a iow rah abe 2 es juet of red flowers 1 casing ¢ al neo ed ewe (ONGp one hand ond iring fed smth her) ts ro Me wa fy Sysop as ‘Yossi, Eught you might have been at Avignon, ing Me, “ ho. Tol tave gon, bt (Se) tei: Den tg Die you ar tel lato the foe of iene eam By vllng 9 Soran in ie ecm SIE tt” AL ser) res, Let me as, plese vhs min Cate AS TI oss I bat utc (Fo Cura, 6 te cot aed oe) i Cal Cae Gr cnonbkel Gow every ine Mo wd M9 moves lowed @ desk and reaches i just ONS Guawee Cutan ies nto env Hi hae ‘Marto hands hive the flowers) (Caruicans, For me? cr at cCATCH-22 * {irto. Yes, sit. Vd like to fly more combat missions, fog THCART. Mllo,X am astonished? What inthe eed Mito. E want to do my duty, se, Se TRCaRE: But, Mile, you tre doing your duty. Who save the men chocolate-covered cottons sage BEN & good mess officer in wartime jst isnt Caruicant. Certainly it is, Mi come over you, Muo. (Pointedly.) Certain fare beginning to tale, AGATHCART. Oh is that it? Give me ther names, Milo, Ang TI see toi that they go on every dangerces sie Cito. No, Colonel, Pm airaid they're eight, CaTHcanr. How long have you been overeas now? Mito. Eleven months, sit, Samet: And how tany missions have you fowa? Mito. Five, Carucant, Five? Muo. Five, sir, Catncnnt, Five isn't very good, is it? Muto. (Skarply.) Isn't it? Carman. (Correcting himsel).) On the 's vety good) Milo. Five you say? Just fing? Mito, Five, Carmcant. And Il bet that doesn’ time you bonibed us, Mito. Yes, sir. It does Carncarr. You didn't actually Tremember correctly, did you? Cag, Bt it was my mission, si. I organized i, CATHCART, Yes, Milo, of course, Bien very’ good, mimaatlae averages out to lane ee ‘combat Inission every two months, CangeRtae¥;of the other men have seventy misans Cerwcant. But they never produced sey chocolate: T don't know what's isn't. Some of the men ontrary, five "t even include the Ay on that mission, ii CATCH-22 a 2 tex, 6 ST signs mettle he you and we se nite emit Pon Me HB sae e Mua, No, sir, It's generally known that you've flown ei ene rset pela es eae , Se et oro Page That a Tt at ha cape pou dt ke win rane ea Se nib al a si of figs on the desk.) Someone else have to Begin oA se dot sh Re ae Sethe oe rae Toate hn ‘buying and selling and shipping and storing anc eben compris at Sac ee last cedars in Lebanon, tne in Fit, and flint in aichlese H Se aa brews 2 a gag Hand et cat fee ea ae Sl PS Sr Es and inn ees be bes sea on “That are on the high seas, the cork from New act cATCH-22 ” ore, shoes for Toulouse, nails from Wels, and the ham Catucarr, Milo, stopt Mino. We have coals in Newcastle, sit. you RRCART. Milo, you can't By sisty-ve more missions ‘ou can't even fly ane more mission, You're like Tae indispensable Muro (Nodding contented.) Sir, are you forbidding ime to fy any more combat missions? ‘ucaRt. Milo, T forbid you to fly any more combat missions? Muo, But that's not fair, si. Why should T be Penalized just because Tm a good mess oficer? Catucins. 1 can't think of anything we can do about it shitt®. Maybe we can get someone ese to ly my mis: sions for me CaTwcner. But maybe we can get soicone ele to fy yur misins for yout fo. Why tot the men in the squadron, sir? Alter all, Tm doing allthis for them. sania CaTHcsnr, Why not the men in the squadron? You're bing ll this for ther. They ought to be willing to de something for you in return {it.o, What's fair i fair. They could take tums, si Carseat, They might even take turns Mito, Who gets the erect? cegeGner, You get the credit, Mo. And if & man wine * medal fying one of your mission, you get the medal ito. Who cies it he gts kiledy Arwtcanr. Why, be dies, of course. After all, Milo, what's flrs fat. There's just one thing, Muto. You'll have to raise the number of missions, jo att THEM have to rie he number of mis sions again, But this will be a good way to get thee "3 osufan tack no ambatogan,”tst ay ossrian is friend of mine, Va ‘Mato. Yossarian? Sit, VeCATCH-22 act at fas a si en ean gre eet m2 pn ES Gey celine dake owe of the men, won't he . ae cay tt nen Nae Ee sf see nr sda Me a are, Mio, You do" wat he mento Ry ‘cowardly missions for you, do you cry coma ny do oot, Wha hl of gory i that? Manne Godt ging 1 ed then ot ws carseat, Goo otto wear thse medals they 20 eee sc inging bel wth Mo following.) Black Captain Black! 80 (Buack enters v,, rubbing kis honds with glee.) ; shone of xc. Avignon? Ho, ho, ho. Wait till those sons eee ed tse ty ang to et th ves oom (ossansan enters slowly ond pauses ot his parachute ‘harness at the coatrack.) Hosea re right, you bastard, And do you know Lege A ga St "Fesam, estates and she Hs end.) No Tome reas ete gies sien (Camncanr strides tn exctedly, ringing his bell and woar- mete caTCH-22 i ing his headdress, and two black eyes. Carncant is shouting as he enters and in so violent an emotional state that he steps up on a chair without Breaking stride and onto the desk.) CCasnteatr Korn! Korn! Colonel Kort Kou. (Entering Teorely, @ father in is shirt pocket) Vou rang rt (Grrsteant. We may be in tebe trouble, T's that bomber Vosacan. He retuses to fly any more Kons Refses? Who does he think he i Achilles? Whereis he now? Carstears. (Descending from desk) Tn the squadron, arching around bnckward Tt that damn chaplains alt told bie to tll it i was God's wil. Ghee nk that feather gave you ‘Kons, Marching backoard? {suppose Tl have to think of something, belore other nen Rant matching round Backed to. cB oI talking to him. They very goed (Wossaniaw enters v., wolking backward and spinning continuously os hhe keeps turning to look over his shoulder. Maco follows and és forced to circle around with him in order to converse with him.) doing it for me, it hot for yourself ms MiLo. Stand still, please. So we can discuss this like ae ee a oa ores a ane pail soiee ont task es ‘i fOSSARIAN. Not a chance, I’m going. (Backs offstage. Feat cman et abt) ing the Covonzts.) Sorry! I can't tell you how it naeCATCH-22 act Kon, Let's send him to Rome on a rest leave, Hell hangs PING on do that. Hes already gone there BW ee Me as HN 2 kare, ie Eee faer ta se ra an ahcnin yur apeenine Man, Ae te tne vey Te Foner ae eae rifting ay ina trance.) Feathers te Fe ee on ee fn es ane 82 Curartans enters v. alone. The Fins® (ty yrricen enters v. and moves down Tnvesticatixe O) toward the CHAPLAIN.) spun. Dear wife: Someone must have been tling cermgnas ew tone hing done ant WOM.» i cyestioarine Orricen, Chaplin Toppman? Cinta. Yes? (he Texan enters». his bathrobe and cfoses inom the Ctapca alto.) ga emer Or tect am ae ot Ta Granta HA, wy it eb rte NT et te cet eR ta St ees i ne Pa Te CATCH-22 83 Neither am 1, Father. 1's just that I'm a very devout person, and I like to call all men of God Father. Curartans. Who are you? (They lead the CHAPLAIN to desk.) Texan. We're from the government. That's a very serious crime you've committed, Father. Citapzat. What crime? First Inesticatine Orricer, We don’t know yet. But we sure know it’s serious. Please make yourself com. fottable. (Tike InvesticaTine Orvicer strikes @ match, folds the flame close to the Cuxpcatn’s fe e, und Blows it ont, He sets @ metronome ticking ard switches a lamp om and directs the beam: into the Ciiapcain’s face.) We want you to relax. ‘Texan. You've got nothing to be afraid of, Father, if you're not guilty, What are you so afraid of? You're not suilty, are you? ‘CHAPLAIN. Guilty of what? What did I do? First Investicaric Orricer. Write your name for us, please. In your own handvrriting, (To the Texan.) See? ‘They're not the same, ‘Texan, Father, I can't tell you how disappointed I am. Coapeary. For what? Furst Investioatine Oreicen. This isn’t your hand- writing CurapLanx. But of course itis, Whose handwriting is it if not my own? ‘Texan. That's just what we aim to find out. Frist Investrcanine Orricr. Talk, Chaplain. ‘Cuaprain, That handwriting is mine. Where else is my Innndvrriting if not there? (The Secono Invesricarine Orrtcrr enters carrying @ folder; a cool, sinister man.) oe Srconp InvestioaTiNo Orrtcer. Right here, (Tasses ‘an envelope to Cxarcain.) Would you mind reading aloud what's written on that envelope?co CATCH-22 act it Cour, “Dear Many Jy for you te ther T Toppan, Group Chapin Mie no Tissncarine. Orrcen. Do you know wh wrote thst? Sie Miegmoamine Orsi. Whoever did it sgned his nae Sun, That's my name thee, Finer Tnvesticarine.Orricrs. Then you wrote it eon dat wie it, Tha ot my handing, either eee evestiatino Orrices, Then you signed you pate in somes bande ag ‘CHapLatn. Oh, this is ridiculous! You've no eht to Leet, emps to bis fet. He is pushed rin ‘You take him. nor twvestiarine Orrices. Okay, You Stconp Trvesiowtne Orca (Advancing foward Cruxptarn.) Turn off the metronome, please. It's very Sng Ce Taxa ches of th metronome) int (fine Thonk you And te ght too Pee. Steoue hevgmearne Orrce. Late he Het, That doesn't bother me. Chaplain, of what religious persuest sre you? ae “Qiaruans. Yin an Anabaptist, se Snoond, TevestioatzNc ‘OrriceR. ‘Doesn't te word Afeap sngiy tran at youve nt 8 Bap Gh Ob ose Thates Oh HE ee oemmonsine OFFICER. Are YOU 8 arzaln. NO, sit . Siein nonshioarme Orrce. Thon you reo 0 Baka eet you? You coud even be» Washing Tring costa’ you? "ot Essa eto Ivg? . Saar ike rites. Come on, Washington. Why don’t you make a clean breast of it? We know you stole that plum tomato. fern CATCH-22 s Cuarcar™, Oh, now I'm beginning to understand, I fidot steal that plum tomato, si, Colonel Cetheart gave itto me, Fusst Invest superior ofee ln? xan. Is that why you tied to give it to Sergeant Wille Fate? Deaae twas it tomatoe Crantatn, No, no, no, Because I didn't want it Steown Invesriexrixe Orrie.n, Why'd you steal it if ‘you n't want it? Gra Tid sta iy ‘econ Ixvesmarisc Orricea. Why are you so arity, if you did't steal, me? Citar. Tm not guilty! Stcoxp Invisnioxzie Orrtcrr. Why would we be questioning you if you weren't guilty? Cuapnars. Ob, I don't know. ust Iwvzstiosre Orricer. He thinks we have time to waste, sq SECOND Inwnsticanise Ovricen. Chaplain, [have bere in my hand @ signed statement {rom Sergeant Whitcomb in which he states he knew the tomato was hot from the ‘ay you tried to unload fon him, earzatn. T swear to God I didn't steal it, st. I give ‘You my word it was nota hot tomato. s Fimst Ievesricanxe Oreicer. Why don't we knock is gocidamn brains out? Texan, Yeah, we could do that. He's only an a ly an Ana- Secon Investicarine Orricrs. No, we've got to find him guilty fist. Chaplain, we charge you with being, ‘Washington Irving and taking unlicensed iberties in cen: sting the letters of officers and enlisted men. Are you gully or innocent? Catapiane, Innocent, sit Bist Investioatiné Ovetcen. Guilty Twxan, Gully.86 CATCH-22 act Soconp Inevesrioarine OretceR, That's two to one, so rity is, then, Chaplain, we accuse you also of the cay csion of erimes and infractions we don’t even Krow about yet. Guilty ot innocent? ‘Cuapiarn, How can T say they are? con TxvesticaTine Orricex. How can we tell you iL we don’t know? Pinst Invesrioarine Orricer, Guilty. Tosan. Sure he's guilty. 1f they're bis erimes an fractions, he must have cornmitted theca. Gowo InvesricaTiN Ormtczr, Guilty it is, then. He's all yours. : ssaur Invesrioatine Orricex, Okay, Chaplain. You nneard the verdict, Get the hell out of here. ‘Cxariain. Aren't you going to punish me? qeettiavesrieatino Oreicer. Damn right, But we're certainly not going to let you hang around while we de- ide how to do it, So beat it, Go on, hit the road. Curartars, Y'm free to 20? Far Tnvasricarie Orerces. You can go, But you're certainly not free. Ts he? i you don’t tell me what (rhe Tune exit chucling, while the Cnmténs moves cross stage.) Cuuaprat. Dear wife, Perhaps T have bewun to imagine hinge i so, I am imagining things that I bave imagined tutte, beeaase T seem to be imagining everything twice. ‘Yossatian has run anay to Rome. « « (Wossantant enters v. ond walks along with the Cxtan- TAIN.) Yossansan. Rome was in ruins when I got there. There yas rabble at the airport, The Colosseum was a dap) ted shell, and the Arch of Constantine had fallen. 1 date «Nurse Duckett in Rome. T missed Luciana, T went ee CATCH-22 87 looking for Nately's wh. U whore... (Moves v a the Cane LAIN Continues across stage and exits.) page (The Oro Wostas enters, FF aaa mets she a cha, and baat to un Wont he tall son we ave Il soldiers, with the hard white Ovp Woman. Catch-22, a ‘to Ws. Thy dont hae Wo so oe Teel sity dont have ge" “8 CHEE 2 Go Won Cate g.* NY Ont be ot the old mis? The one tht sid be was ging to ve fo ‘co Woxan. ‘Oen Wowan, Desd. One mate Re was ng, one "stan, Netely’s gl rend? Oto Wontar. Gone. Chased ava Tia would mot een fe the take becom" ‘Yess iho wil tate cae of hg? Wostas, Who wil tae care of me futemoney her lop) Ws oot eng, ABM8 cavcH-22 sor a Yossanias Ital ave Gen Won Meney ft coh ras Money fa T has tenn Starng eny) Coth a Yossanas. Mother, there's no sch thing eo Woun Comet tr Pecan ie oe ent But that makes no ier inks He does nes ease everyone thinks I does een No one (Comes band walt, the O20 Won exits) ; (From ofitoge, barking sounds, a keeman Vorce imitating a dog.) ft Af, art, afl Yorn Thet aso one Ene in Rome but wry our lea avigto, who had ever een able C0 teat noel ince teasing college. And the ue litte maid who tole care of out apartment, “iam oo the men ha ever wanted, none of the men bat Aan tho ss (Stops ond tlares ahead ofstage with a {af horror) Ob, Godt I'won'e believe it Vorce. (Ofstoge.) Arf, act! (ey at ot an es ply wa aa sure pt muna hay (Bot Bry har kama aah ata os Metco a at Kaan Ait Res, Yosan 1 jut the mal. orouekran You killed her to! You threw her out the eT ‘T raped her. I couldn’t Thad to il er after Tape vex her go eed sang bathing aboot us, could? act cATCH-22 e cnt atin. Why did you have to touch her at all? Why didn’t you go to a prostitute, i it came to thet> PAEFr. Oh, no, not me. I never paid for tin tay lite, seh AMRIAN. Aatly, are you insane? You murtersd a ‘irl. They're going to put you in jai, intel Bes ot me. Not good old Aarty. 1 hardly Pink theyre going to make too much of a fuse ove a Italian servant girl, Do you? pssamian. Listen, (SIRENS SOUND and approach) Aatly, they're coming to arrest you. Don't you mich sok £2't take the life of another human beings Aanry. (Lonely.) Ob, no, not me. They're not coming to arrest good old Aarfy. Not good old Aarfy, (Pwo MP's enter. AanrY whinpers and cowers. They Stride across the room past Aaney and sels: Ye, SARIAN,) MP. Captain Yossarian? You're under arrest Yossanian. For what? JOB. Nowe absent without offical leave. You left your base without a pass. Yossanian. But he— MP. Never mind him. Let's go. (Fo Aatvy, saluting.) Sorcy, sr. Forgive the intrusion gjiart. That's quite all ight. Hey, Yo-Yo. (Gloating, $d with an obscene Italian gesture.) Art, arth (Bro tle laughter and exits, as the M.P.S march Yossnoun ieay and around the siege in a civle.) (Comtennr strides in to his desk sith his bunches of feathers ond Back eyes, ringing his bel clangorouly} Carmcanr. Korn! Korn! Kak: (Drily ese enters.) You rang, sic? partcarr. Dammit; Korn! T'm getting sick and tired of that joke,0 cATCH-22 aor ive me, ir. You should have mentioned it Herm aereTive got black eyes and feathers and T don’t kogn hich Pim going to need more of. You hale bi ‘Ronn Of course, Would you like a fg? (CarHcaRt shen is head, Kon eats figs calmly throughout the shakes the MLB's merch WossaRian arovnd and lead Wim eke Cononers fust os KoRn sits down comfortably on the desk to greet hb.) SIP sin, we are pleased to report that the prisoner Yossarian— ‘Kons. Get ont MP. Thank you, sir. (MP's ext.) Rowse Vouaian, huh? Do you know what we're going to-do? We'te going to send you home Yossanian. You're kid Kons. No, But theresa catch Yorsantan. Twenty.t00? Kone OF course, Would you like a fig? (Yossantay shokes his eu) We cazv' simply send you home for re ‘acing to ly more missions and expect the rest of tbe men Ta IER nue, can we? So, we've worked out this little dea. ‘Yossantan. What kind of deal? orn, Odious. But you'll accept it quickly enough ‘Yossantan. Don't be too sure. oan es that or a court-martial. You'd leave us 90 altoative (Emphasizing the words forthe distress They ill cause CovoweL CaTscams.) . . even though RPaaht urn out to be @ terrible black eye for Colonel Cathcart. ‘Larmennt, Goddamn it—i hate this cigarette boker! wonder if i's doing me any good. ‘nar Ts 2 feather in your eap with General Peckem, puta black eye for you with General Dreedle CCariicaxr, Which one am I supposed to please? Konw. Both Carncaet. How? Korn. Forgi act a CATCH-22 a EET Sa ou we Doe See gig th anne eae giggle he end rhe Te fone Oe ting Wel indd—-and all you have to tu Yossamian. What? ie neal ne Re Jn Bey “That isn't going tobe too Komx. Ohy it willbe alot yout : alle easier than you tht 1 promote you to major and te eet You Inte he pte n our Hoot and make ft of ‘Yossisiay, Pm not sure I speeches, se sure T want to make 3 ka Then wel et he gece. We ut dnt want anyone to know there ever ben any Heton be ‘Yossantas, Suppose T den ac 1 denounce you when I get back on. Why should you want to? You're go iia tart Te eee ‘too ii ava or st noel pice sales Tha prety Sy ik be py. tng om tert the my bn it? (Kom nade Cae cons hols i ay) Bot a he Me Tat hem sand lo something about ft the way T cid, Right?Py CATCH-22 ae =o 1's Wronn tptoes onstge rie a my Juke, aryinga ong bre She tains Hel nor the doorway, hing he baie.) Thanks, Colonel T= ; Kone Gal me Blocie, John. Were pls now, remer ae eee are, Blackie. My fiends cll me Yo-Yo oat i hy don't you con- ised cl Nm Yo-Yo. Why dot yon sis Wergen vat snl nove be A Circa. ‘That's a real sensible move you're ean aan ayy, Colon t 107 Gctncant, gure, call ye Chuck, We're all pals now, Geert: Gone om ove fr doer with. sae ih, efor the op ning om How about nih *yoscanan, fi love (8. . ing kr geilty) Cho ae eortan sen lake, Chuck ant gt used eas ‘That's all right, pal. ons, Sure, pat oscamn has, pl. Canes, Dente eo pa Femi Sea tes throngs “he dary, turing ‘ oles hie) Hi. Say, dont tn Naree She bs him under the arm. Siang dow act n CATCH-22 93 i Pain:) Uve been looking all over for— (Sereeming, as she raises the knife to stab him again.) —Gh, nosot (Phe Covowens ras out. Nacezy's Won exits running, They chase after her. Yossawian taggers tothe bel and collapses. Two Doctors and Nusst Ducire ‘enter to teat him. They carry medical equipment) Doctor Okay. Cut, Secoxo Docron. You cut, Vossantan, (Sitting up.) No cuts. (Pushing Yossasian down.) Now look who's butting in, Are me going to operate or aren't wh Noxse Duckerr. He doesn't need an operation, Just Sop the bleeding and put afew stitches in, Docror. But I've never had a chance to operate before ‘Which one is the scalpel? Is this one the scalpel. Secon Doctor. The other one, Well, go ahead and cut if you want to, Make the incisi Yossanian. (Sitting up.) No incisions, Doctor. (Pushing hi down.) Ts he going to keep talk- ing that way while I operate on him? Nase Duckett. You can't operate until I admit him. (Finst Investicarine Ovrice enters.) Frasr Investicarme Orricer, You can’t admit him until T clear him, (Secon Invesricarinc Orrtcrn enters) Secono Investicstine Orricer, You can't clear him Ent Investigate him. (To Vossantax.) Where were you born? Yossansan. On a battlefield Fist Iwvesrioarino Orricen, No, no, In what state? Yossastaw. In a state of innocence’oo cATCH-22 nore -pmer Investoarine Orricen. You don’t understand Peer Invesioaring Orvican. Let me handle bin (Fa Yossaman,) Are you a smart aleck ox something Nose Duckert. He's still bleeding, He might even die. Ssunst Investioarine Ovetcer. Good for him. Faery Investiearinc. Orricen. It would serve We finky bastard right. AIL right, Joho, let’ speak xt, We want to get to the truth. ‘Yossanian. Everyone calls me Yo-Yo. Fur Iwvasricarixo Orrrcen. We want you t0 co, operate with us, Yo-Yo, We're your friends and we want you to trust us. We're here to Help you. Boon TnvesticaTiNe Orrice. Let’s jab our thumb down inside his wound and gouge it. (woseansan groans and flls back with his eyes coved.) ‘Doctor. He's fainted. Can't we treat him now? Pusor Iuvesricarine OFFIcex. I hope the bastard does SSeconp InvestioaTino Oretcen, I can't stand the sight of blood. (They exit.) Nonse Duckerr. (Whispering.) Aren’t you ashamed ‘of yourseli? ‘Yossantaw, No. Don't g0. Reese Deckert. Tm through with you. I want 0 marry a doctor. Docron, Then let's start. I'm raring to operate, Should T wash my hands frst? "Yossantan. No operations. Socanp Docrox. Can't you make him shut up? You're Sfince Duckerr. Not any more. I could give him a total and knock him out. ‘Seconp Doctor. At least we'd have some quiet Doctox. Then I ean take out bis liver. scr caTcH-22 9s Kose, No ttl econo Docvom. There be goes aa esate: Con T take out his Tver jxera. You can sith up his wound, boron Pal tater takeout histver. Come on-—kack Yossaxian, Don’t knock me— (Noyse Dueuerr covers is Jace with on ether coe. Yoreauan sinks back anconsciows, Nuxst Dueksrs and the Docros bend over Si « moment and tert ttse Deowerr, We were sever more than st ON ram onthe, miachng one ye comes ghosts. (Alon, to Kinsel.) Sho wants to marry a coHot Mh do, Wove gt hs wonder arabs Jor Ronn, mises and Begins velching loudly) low Vole: (Est with o primace of Cogan) 2) HOw (Wonse Dockers returns.) Yossasax. Whats happen Nonve Ducaare, Fm ung arg Tin gag to many a ossnia Which ocr 7 * omar, Ducks. Any dtr. Neer youd her nde PONY Nowe Doone. We eat al'be Rosana, Frindsh ve ite once Duckerz, Nurse and patient, I meso. Give me rng sometime. men i (Es laughing a her oun joka) 7 ne Teer es96 CATCH-22 fcr (The Secono InsvestioatiNe Overcen enters.) Captain. We've got your pal, buddy. We've got your " PE ossamzan, ‘What are you talking about? Corvus (Leaving) You know oso. Who's ny pl? Kos Earn) Maybe Yim your pal. Yossi, woe all very bro of You “Yess. Proud? RESINS For king your fe to ave Colonel Cath- ‘cart from that Nazi assassin, ‘YossamiaN, ‘That was no Nazi assassin, ‘That was Nately's whote, And she was trying to Kill me CHAPLAIN. The oficial report says— ‘Yossanian. It's part of the deal. Cxtapeany. What deal? ‘Yossatsan. The deal L made with Cotonel Cathcart and Colonel Korn. They'll let me go home a big hero if T say hice things about them and never criticize them fo making the rest of the men fy more missions. ‘CHApLATN. But that's shameful! Tsn’t it? ‘Gossaman, Odious, It's that or a court-martial, They'd Jock me in prison with a bunch of eriminals. (Cuaprarn, You can't let them do that. Yossam~aN. Then maybe 11 fly more missions. Carcatn. You might get Killed, Yossantan. Then I guess T won't. A funny thing bap- pened belore—maybe I dreamed it [think a strange man Peme in here and told me he's got my pal. “We've gut Your pal,” he said. He scared me. (Wear tears.) They've Bot all my pals, haven't they? ‘Crartarn. There, there. Try to sleep now. I'l be back (Tiptoes out one side.) (Wrrcomn enters from another, carrying @ letter. He takes Yossawiay’s pulse.) scr CATCH-22 7 enters in hospi Bothro conn Fs is bosttat bathrobe as Warcou leaves.) He's TEXAN. (Seating. Ai i waeitN (Seating himself beside the Bed) Wi, Hey, Yossanran, You're still in h y Taxax. Tim lad you're alive. 7 Yossi Wy? AN. it eq 4M So T can sit your throat for you fom ear to ossaman. (Terifd.) What are you talking about? to HERI, One te when you're sound alep ey ein toto in bere very guy and at your teat yok ‘Yossaetan. Why? Texan Why not? Yossrons Why are you sting here? yur treat fr you fom earta ear St??? Team sit ‘YossAanzan, Help! a (Nuase Duckers hurries in.) TEE SL Ta seme SE RATT ste SELB sin ye oem ‘OSsARIAN, It doesn't. make set is grammar, What the Ht nen ben ee sia hoch lunse Duckert. (Plaintively nasa, Cente RES AEN yam ety98 CATCH-22 act ‘Yossantaw. I'm sorry. (Tries to embrace her.) Nonse Duckerr. (Pulling away.) Don't. ‘Yossantaw, What should I do? (Nuns Duckett shrugs and leaves By one side as the Secon INVESTIGAT~ Ino Orvicen relurns from another. With childlike help- Tesmess:) Did you come to disappear me? ‘Szcoxp Investicatino Orvicex. We've got your pal, bucidy, We've got your pal ‘Yowsanian, What the felt are you talking about? Secon Investicatine Oreicer. You'll find out, Duddy. You'll find out. (Yossanian lunges at him. The ‘Orereen laughs and steps ony.) "Yossaniax. You give me chills Second Investtcarixc Orricen. (Moning oway.) Good. “Vossaniax. (Following him.) You make my blood ran cold. ‘Secon Investicarivo Orricen. Good. (Exits as owen appears from the other side of the stage in combat clothes. He is doubled over, clutching his belly, ‘and sinks to the floor.) ‘Snowven. I'm cold. Yossantan. (Stopping Snowoen. Dm cold, Tim cold. (Yossartaw turns back from following the OFFICER and notices SNowDEN with Surprise. He bongs his bathrobe on the coetrack and puts fom a porachute harness. He lakes up a frst afd bit from Gest or coatrack and moves across the stage to SNOWDEN, ‘rauoling on his knees as he comes near.) V'm colds ‘Yossantan, (Inspecting SNownen’s thigh.) You're going to be alright, kid, You're going to be el right. SSnowozn. I'm cold. T'm cold. ‘Yossantns There, there. There, there. SwowneN. Tim cold. I'm cold, ‘Yossanuan. There, there. There, there. (Yossartan be- ing treating SNOWDEN Jor his thigh wound. SNowDEN ‘iogns,) Did Lhvurt you? ‘SNOWDEN. I'm cold. I'm cold. Tm freezing aera CATCH-22 iS Yossi, The, thre. Ther, Svonain, Uden Be an Wowie 90 i any da : spre Al Te ptt te ede eine yay warm until the plane lands. oes Saat twa Noctis, TH'ste You Soe meri, i offic) Mie yo dle (Removes bor oa, ‘ae fete ope and fr yop 9 ie Sade Se Seaghng oe phine, (Rending.) “What's nderbinder pie fee) ard a ht nd Tn Yorn Hepat a worn, (Shaker Ahead detoons f caceman (Shke Mr hes datos ph tm acai iv #6) site ‘ See HS ey wat. TE ey mar i te Seow. im cold Foro Tr ea Seow tari ose The " rei ees of your moh, ening Seon a ca noe He lo be at ae Tho ge Stoo al. esi Thee thre Ter, tee Wet one a om Yon ing tock SH wee Sales o nese and points, with his chin, mardi et. sie fot i ce fe han ad tenn py tlie ernst aad a a ees both and we os) fm oat Ti cad Enea ‘SNowveN, I'm cold. I'm cold.100 CATCH-22 act tt ‘Yossastaw. (Holding Swown2n.) There, there, There, there. worn, I'm cold. I'm cold. Seow there, thee ex te. ssa ald (Die) = Seow Tk Ce Naat gun Ba ee aS and oe im Bae fo clas SON fe uae rom athe ae anh ern to ST Bl of at No ak ee lly) TH B addretig the Cone A yal ge, ES te BR dt snd eon drys ey em a ay fo anc. (Mewes 1 cet gre ba en ee hry ton cons ee ed Cnanian. LIGHTS DIAL oy SNOWDEN al stews ym ia pos) ee {nthe world to begin to save Bim. sound wondered Bn an be ad spied al vt hse ra oven ners ey fe ite ens MP a te il St aoe earn. Bary ‘him and he'll rot, like fo him and hell burn. Bury ; See to im apd el Sk ge, an BSE" remit et Sa es dese Ries Greene a a er essa fo. Major Major, He has to speak to ibe wters from far side, ‘without disguise, (Btason, Mo gard YossAsian hesitantly) ‘Yossagsax, Chaplain, help me! Get the rest of my clothes. act CATCH-22 101 Cutapcatn. Where? How will T get them? Yossanian. I don't know, Ask Nurse Duckett, Shel do anything she can ta be tid of me Cuartaty. What are you going to do? Yossaran. I don’t know. But hurry. Please. For once in your life succeed at something. (CHaPcain leaves. Mayon Maron approackes Yossarian.) Wha the bell are you? (With a lame smile, Major Mayor puts iis mus- fache ond gases on, then removes then.) Where's you Mayon Mayor. Colonel Korn made me come here to talk to you. He says you disgust him. He says I disgust him too. He wants me to tell you thet the deal fs still on ‘Yossantan. No, i isn't, I'm breaking it. ‘Mayon Mayon, Oh, dear. Why did you agree to i you didi’ like it? Yossanian. I did to save my life ‘Mayon Major. They're going to court-martial you. Yossansan. (Laughs and thumbs his nose.) No, they ‘won't. Please don't lie to me. ‘There's an official report that says I was stabbed by a Nazi assassin, Mayor Mayox. But, Yossarian! ‘There's snother official report that says you were stabbed in the course of Disck-market operations involving the sale of military secrets to the enemy. ‘Yossaman, Another official report? ‘Mayor Mazon. Yossarian, they can prepare as many official reports as they want to. Didn't you know thet? ‘Yossanian. What a clear way you have of describing ‘4 moment of weakness, I wanted 1S. ‘Mayon Maro, Please don't blame me. I'm only trying to help you. ‘Yossanran. That's what that nice detective sald before hhe decided to jab his thumb down into my wound, ‘Major Major. I'm not a detective, I'm a college pro- fessor who's trying to serve his country. And I wouldn't lie to anyone.7 eqreat ner Yossanzan, What would you do if one of the men in the squadron asked you about this conversation? ‘Mayon Mayon. (Jn apologetic admission.) I would le to his, ‘Yossaniax. How can you work for thei? Mayon Mason. [try not to think of them. I try to think only of my country. "Yossanian. Christ, Major, don’t tell me that. ve town seventy goddamn missions. But that war is over, The country’s not In danger any more. But T am. From Cathcart and Korn, ‘Mayor Majon. Then let them send you home. It's a way to save yourself. “Yoscantax, It’s a way to Tose myself. Goddamn it! T ‘can't join those bastards now. Getting stabbed by that bitch was the best thing that ever happened to me. ‘Mayon Mayor, Would you rather go to jall? Or fly more missions? “Yoseanian, What would you do? ‘Masox Mayon. Me? Yossantan, Would you let them send you home? Mayon Mayon. (Reflects a momen.) No. 1 don't think’ so, Not under those conditions. But I certainly ‘wouldn't let them send me to jal "Yossantas. Then you'd fly more missions? Maso Mason. (IVith increasing determination.) No, fof course not. That would be total capitulation, And 1 might get killed "Yoseanian. Then you'd run away? Desert? Mayon Mason. (His enthusicsm flagging suddenly.) No. T don't think T could do that. There'd be no hope for ‘me, would there? “Yossantan, No. No hope for us at all? ‘Mayon Maso, No hope at all. There just doesn’t seem to be anything you can do, is there? ‘Yossanian. Good! (Perking wp.) Since there's nothing T can do, I know just what I'can do. act CATCH-22 103 Tp at wi tenes De go ma ame. Hee Se vou eer at re EARS Paya ae ih fe tak cee er sind of way is that to live? You'l be alone. (Phe Crouns enters, corying 9 lthing and ost bog Pu wee eed wth Citarean, Yossarian SIP. Vossaran Guess wba! I got thm, T got oasis You see, Major? There is hope. aie § \or. Chaplain, please talk to him, will you? es deserting He wants 1 runaway to Snedens afar Wonder Rom away o Seen, sia slay here and persevere, Yes, i stay hee ‘Mayor Mayon. Ch Pon pla, wl you plea > ain Tne Vou moved take Hiss oo ar gel nies! ibility to get to Sweden from here. ae pelos Hel, Nao, Know tt. Bat es Mayon Mayon. 1's oo Ts abcutely insane, Your conscence ossanin. Gt Bless : ts world witout rong msn "A 1 Te To Nem Son. ho cn cod someting? the nose (Shadow boren) Pow! Jute ate at (NareLy’s Witone appears on stage, eavesdrops, and104 CATCH-22 ner stealthy positions herself near the door, carrying a long Ane.) ‘Yossantan. Well, Major? Do you think you can dis- appear again long enough for me to catch a ride? Mayon Mayor. It's my duty to stop you. ‘Yossamaw. Are you going to try? ‘Major Major. What would you do? Beat me up? Yossantan Why do you say thet? CHaptatn. I will beat you up. (Shadow bores clos the Mayon, Jeiuting punches.) You and Corporal Whit- comb, and maybe even Colonel Cathcart. Wouldn’t ft be wonderful if T found T didn't have to be afraid any more? "Yossantan. Are you going to stop me? Mayon Mayon. (Reaching his decision.) No, of course not! Go, for God sakes, and hurry! Do you need money? ‘YossawiAn. I've got money. ‘Mayor Mayon. Here's more. Cuarratn. Good-bye, Yossarlan. And good luck, 111 stay here and persevere. “Yossanian. (Starting way.) So long, Chaplain. ‘Thanks, Major. ‘Mayon Mayor. How do you feel? ‘Yossansan. Fine, No, I'm frightened. Mayon Mayor. That's good. It proves you're still alive. It won't be fun, ‘Yossantan, Ves, it will Mayor Mayor. I mean it, Yossarian, You'll have to keep on your toes every minute of every day. They'll bend heaven and earth to catch you. ‘Yossantaw. I'l keep on my toes. Mayon Mayor. You'll have to jump. Yossanra. Til jump. (Passes near the doorway. Naraty's Wrtone steals Beltind him with the knife.) ‘Mayor Magox. Jump! (ossansan jumps aside. The hife comes down, rsisting "him Dy inches. He hurries owey, Nateuv's WHoRr cae chasing after hin, dodging in sections of wal Bor he inaly rae oy ft svous Cuma, Run WORMTHAN. Run, Vossrizn! Run! (7 What are you going to do? (Muses Alon MazoR) 1a bite out of his tomato and eats lth oe THE END