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Carolina Sánchez Avilés

Prof. Jacob Reeleder

Pre Degree 3

November 20, 2012

Marriage. Yes, I Do… Not?

“And they lived happily ever after” a normal way to end a fairy tale according to

Disney, but how about real life? Or what is normally said in a ceremony like marriage? The

vows, they are a promise that the couple say to each other: “I, take you, to be my lawfully

wedded (husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse,

for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part” It also sounds like a

fairy tale but any way people continue getting married and promising things that they do

not even know if they will be capable of accomplishing. A real fact is that people make

permanent decisions based on temporary feelings because as we know love does not last

forever. So, the correct question would be why people should not marry? Before

developing the possible answers it is important to explain what is marriage. Marriage is a

social union or legal agreement between two people that, since that moment, are called

spouses. This union is formalized with a wedding ceremony and it varies depending on the

culture (Marriage. Web) To have an idea about what some people think about marriage,

next are the answers of some girls to the following questions:

Would you want to get marry? Why? What do you think about marriage?

1. Yes, because I have had the illusion since I was a little girl. I want to share my life with

someone that I truly love. For me, marriage is a lifestyle that allows you to feel love in

every way, like a family, as a couple and as human being. (Hugeth Angelicaa Ramirez,

18 years old, single. Mexico, Chihuahua)

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2. Yes, for tradition. Specially because it is the example that my family gave me and they

show me that is when values such as respect, communication and love can be

expressed. Marriage is the opportunity to stay with someone you love and to form a

family, having and sharing the same ideas and goals in life. (Claire Tovar Anzaldo, 25

years old, single. Mexico, D.F.)

3. Yes, because I would like to spend the rest of my life with someone that I really love.

Besides, I can’t live with my parents forever. Marriage is necessary to formalize and

form a family, specially because in Korea the number of births has decreased. (Jin-ah

Lee, 21 years old, single. Korea, Seoul)

Although, these three girls do not know each other and were born in different cities it can

be seen that the idea of marriage is kind of similar. It seems that this false idea about

marriage is more a requirement for doing things that actually everybody can do without

officially marry. Therefore, there are some valid reasons such as a utopian happiness, a love

with an expiration date and the misunderstanding of being the only way to have a family

will make people think twice before saying “Yes, I do”.

To begin with, many people think that marriage leads to happiness. Couples

that get married have more problems than those who are single because of all the

responsibilities and expenses that a marriage produces. This leads the couple to be worried

about how they are going to solve the new problems and how they are going to manage

their new life. These problems include the creation of false expectations and the high

priority that the couple gives to other things like work, hobbies, friends, etc. (Problems in

Married Life. Web.). Meanwhile, the lovers start forgetting about each other and their

feelings are left aside. As a result, the couple feels anxious and stressed instead of enjoying
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their relationship. In comparison with single people that live their lives as they want

without having more worries, troubles or discussions. There are many reasons why a couple

starts to argue, but the most common are economic troubles, adultery an incompatibility of

characters. That is why it is important to invest and dedicate quality time to the relationship

because it is also true that once a couple get marry, they do not feel motivated anymore and

they stop doing their best in the marriage. Unfortunately the daily live of contemporary

people most of the time is an obstacle to accomplish this. Besides, the risk of suffer of

infidelity increases because of the monotony; however, it must be said that being faithful is

a decision and a commitment. Therefore nowadays is difficult to find lasting marriages that

got married in the last decade.

Another common thought is that marriage will last forever. The principal fact that

contradicts this is that love is a temporary feeling. According with neurologists of the

National Autonomous University of Mexico (UNAM) love lasts at maximum four years.

When someone fall in love, the brain segregates substances that make him/her feel

butterflies in the stomach and increases the beat of his/her heart. This creates a neurological

hyperactivity that affects the brain to the point that it gets used to the substances and needs

to find another person to start the process again. (Revelan Científicos Que El Amor Dura

Máximo Cuatro Anos. Web). Although the idea of marrying is to stay together forever with

the same person statistics show almost the 50% of the couples that get marry for the first

time in U.S. end in divorce in less than ten years (When marriages die: Premarital and

early marriage precursors to divorce. Web) and the risk of divorce is higher in second

marriages.

“Divorce has always been present in American society…it has become more

common in the last 50 years. The highest divorce rates ever recorded were in the

1970s and early 1980s. Since then the divorce rate actually has decreased a little,
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but it still remains at a historically high rate” (How common is divorce and what are

the reasons? Web)

In addition

“There are some well known factors that put people at higher risk for divorce:

marrying at a very early age, less education and income, living together before

marriage, a premarital pregnancy, no religious affiliation, coming from a divorced

family, and feelings of insecurity” (How common is divorce and what are

the reasons? Web)

It is proved that people that marry when are teenager are not enough mature to handle such

responsibility, investing in a really good education is a guarantee to find a good and to have

a good marriage, if a couple decides to marry after living in free union it is almost sure that

they will not continue staying together, is also easier to break up if the couple does not have

a religion, normally someone who suffered the divorce of his/her parents needs to make an

extra effort to have a happy family and having some troubles of personality like lack of

confidence will affect a relationship. One reason of divorce that can be predicted as the

other ones is infidelity. This is one of the principal causes to end a marriage and it occurs

more often that statistics can show because not all the unfaithful partners are capable to

admit the betrayal.

“Although most married people appear to be faithful, research suggests that about

10%–15% of women and 20%–25% of men tell researchers that they were

unfaithful to their spouse while they were married.100 Of course, it’s possible the

actual numbers are somewhat higher than this.” ((How common is divorce and what

are the reasons? Web)

And, it will continue happening if people do not decide to perform what they promise in
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their vows. It also shows that people who want to marry are not ready to for this

commitment or they have a misunderstanding about what involves living with their truly

love. That is why if a couple will be separated anyway; it does not worth paying so much

for the wedding and for a lawyer.

And there is also the idea that marriage is the appropriate way to have a family.

Who says what is correct and what is not? Or how about free union, single mothers or

fathers? Since many years ago these kinds of alternative families have increased and this is

a clear example of how a family can be formed without marriage. A family is not a result of

a public compromise; it is what people obtain before the union, unconditional love and

support that someone brings to another human being. So, if someone wants to have a child

other options should be considered. In addition, not getting married has more advantages

than disadvantages, such as, the lack of a possible divorce, not split money and the

absence of discussions. Although the idea of a conventional family includes mother, father

and child, it does not mean that it will not be dysfunctional or will be perfect. Actually

alternative families include:

“…partners who do not live together, unmarried, long-term cohabitees,

"reconstituted families" made up of previously divorced parents and their

stepchildren, and a rise in solo living.” (Goodbye married couples, hello alternative

family arrangements, Web)

So, families has evolve through the years and now these terms are found as an acceptance

to unmarried people. At least in England, as a developed country and with a totally

different culture from other places, citizens are more open mind and have given the

example that a family is not exclusive for married people.

So, maybe what makes marriage so desirable, besides the public celebration, a big party or
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receiving a lot of presents, is the wish of being accepted by the society that has built the

idea of marriage as a legitimately way to stay and live with someone. Even though it must

be admitted that marriage is a tradition, a complex heritage that society has followed since

they remember and modern people perform every day to let others know that two persons

will be officially together as a couple and they will receive the approval and recognition of

those who surround them. Except for the fact that the idea of marriage is an idealization of

happiness and success in human life as a result of marketing, movies, fairy tales, social

acceptance and also fashion. And it must be said that everything related to marriage has

been reduced in something profitable. For example, the weeding preparation, the dress, the

cake, the honeymoon, the couple’s therapy, even the lawyer for the divorce. It is also

definitely real that love does not need religion, festivity, or a sign in any paper. Couples can

stay and live together as long as they want without feeling pressure or without the necessity

of spending a lot of money. Love is not what is promised, a feeling or an idealization; love

is what someone is willing to do for someone with the purpose of make him/her be happy

by your side and the commitment is trying to do it every day, as long as exists the desire of

sharing the life with someone. So, it is up to people to decide what they want in their lives

and how they want it. But, is better to think twice before saying "Yes I do"… it could be

the wrong answer.

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Works Cited

Anzaldo, Claire Tovar. "What Do You Think about Marriage?" Personal interview. 27 Nov.

2012

Doherty, William H. "How Common Is Divorce and What Are the Reasons?" N.p., n.d.

Web. 28 Nov. 2012. <http://www.divorce.usu.edu/files/uploads/Lesson3.pdf>.

Lee, Jin-ah. "What Do You Think about Marriage?" Personal interview. 28 Nov. 2012.

"Marriage." Wikipedia. Wikimedia Foundation, 25 Nov. 2012. Web. 27 Nov. 2012.

<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage>.

Niehuis, Sylvia, Linda Skagrand, and Ted L. Huston. "When Marriages Die: Premarital and

Early Marriage Precursors to Divorce." FFCI ::. N.p., n.d. Web. 27 Nov. 2012.

<http://ncsu.edu/ffci/publications/2006/v11-n1-2006-june/fa-1-marriages-die.php>.

Quinlan, Lisa. "Problems in Married Life." EHow. N.p., n.d. Web. 27 Nov. 2012.

<http://www.ehow.com/about_5403802_problems-married-life.html>.

Ramirez, Hugeth Angelicaa. "What Do You Think about Marriage?" Personal interview.

27 Nov. 2012

"Revelan Cientificos Que El Amor Dura Maximo Cuatro Anos." El Universal. El

Universal, 13 Feb. 2008. Web. 28 Nov. 2012.

<http://www.eluniversal.com.mx/notas/482028.html>.

Ward, Lucy, and John Carvel. "Goodbye Married Couples, Hello Alternative Family
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Arrangements." The Guardian. Guardian News and Media, 22 Jan. 2008. Web. 28

Nov. 2012. <http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2008/jan/23/socialtrends>.