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<font color="#20e020">Cleaned, corrected and tons of
missing dialog dashes added by Tronar</font>

2
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I'm Amy Mitchell,
and I'm a mom.

3
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I had my first kid
when I was 20 years old,

4
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and I've been
running late ever since.

5
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My days are filled with
dropping the kids at school...

6
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Love you.

7
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:21,391
...then racing to work
where I have meeting,

8
00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:23,636
after meeting,
after meeting.

9
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I usually end up eating
a shitty lunch at my desk,

10
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and I try to work
out once a week.

11
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Why do I suck at Zumba?

12
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Most days, I race back to
school for the kids' plays,

13
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and poetry readings
and class projects...

14
00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:41,440
Mom!

15
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...which I'm always late for.
Sorry.

16
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And then
there's PTA meetings,

17
00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:47,914
and volunteering and
parent-teacher conferences.

18
00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:51,634
Jesus, Miss Wiggins
fuckin ' hates me.

19
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At least once a day,
I feel like the worst mom in the world,

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and I cry in my car.

21
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Then I shuttle the kids to
piano lessons and soccer games

22
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and dance classes
and doctors' appointments,

23
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before my daily trip
to the grocery store.

24
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Ugh.

25
00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:10,993
This chick seems like
she's got it all figured out.

26
00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:14,358
But I feel like I'm
screwing up all the time.

27
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Still, I love being a mom.

28
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Here, baby. There's your
organic turkey club sandwich,

29
00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:21,633
and Dylan, here's your peanut-free
peanut butter for lunch.

30
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What's peanut-free
peanut butter?

31
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I have no idea.

32
00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:26,920
Baby, here's your American
history project I made you.

33
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I hope you like it.

34
00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:30,511
I love you.
I love you!

35
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Oh, my God, Mom!
Not so loud! My God.

36
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I love my babies so much!

37
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God, they hate me.

38
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Hey, Amy!

39
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Hey, guys.

40
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God, I just don't
know how you do it.

41
00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:45,958
You just leave
your kids all day

42
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and go to work?

43
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You're so strong.

44
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Yeah, thank you.

45
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Don't you miss them?

46
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I do. But I also
need, like, money.

47
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- Right.
- Hmm.

48
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Oh, gosh, you guys,
I'm so sorry. I gotta go.

49
00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:00,114
I'm really late
to work.

50
00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:01,992
Well, you're
always late.

51
00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:03,798
I know. It's basically
the only thing

52
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I'm good at these days.

53
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See you guys later.

54
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,517
God, I just love
how hard she works.

55
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Oh, my God, I love
how hard she works.

56
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I just fuckin'
said that, Vicky.

57
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I work at
a super-hip coffee company.

58
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I love my job,

59
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but I'm 32 years old and I'm
the oldest person here by far.

60
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Most of these dudes
just play ping-pong all day.

61
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Morning, Momma.

62
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Morning, Tessa.

63
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Oh, my God, I am so fucking
hungover, I might actually die.

64
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That's probably something
you shouldn't tell your boss.

65
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Oh.

66
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:41,837
Right. Except that I took like a
shitload of pills this morning,

67
00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:44,480
so I don't totally
know where I am yet.

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You're at work, Tess.

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- Oh, perfect.
- Yeah.

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May I have a vacation?
I'd like to go to Cuba.

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- Is that allowed?
- No.

72
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:53,828
Good morning.

73
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:55,154
Hey, boss!

74
00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:56,389
Good morning, Dale.

75
00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:58,159
I had a dream
last night.

76
00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:00,310
- Ooh.
- I was naked in a hotel.
77
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I'm talking fully
naked, dick, balls...

78
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Yep, got it.

79
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No glasses. Everything,
fully fucking naked.

80
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We got it.

81
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:08,679
I walk over to
the coffee maker

82
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and there is a bag of our
coffee in the hotel room.

83
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Cool dream, Dale.

84
00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:15,034
Thank you, Tessa.

85
00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:16,155
Um...

86
00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,151
Is this your
way of saying that

87
00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:20,754
you wanna start selling
your coffee to hotels, now?

88
00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:23,474
No. This is my way of
saying that I want you

89
00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:25,790
to start selling our
coffee to hotels now.
90
00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:28,599
But Dale, I'm already running
sales for supermarkets,

91
00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:30,352
airlines and restaurants.

92
00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:31,868
I mean,
I'm just part-time.

93
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:33,000
You are?
Since when?

94
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Six years ago!

95
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:36,158
What?
No way.

96
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:37,474
She's here like every day.

97
00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:40,677
Oh, I know, but I
have a family and stuff, so...

98
00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:42,756
Hey! You know how important
family is to me.

99
00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:44,398
I got it wrote on
my arm right there.

100
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:45,480
Oh, wow.

101
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:47,232
- It's dope, right?
- So tight.

102
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:49,709
Oh, shit! I gotta go roller skating.
Do you wanna come?

103
00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:51,430
- Yes!
- No, Dale!

104
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I have lots
of work to do.

105
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The History Channel
was right.

106
00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:56,752
You guys are the
greatest generation.

107
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,794
I live just outside
of Chicago with my two kids,

108
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,757
my dog
and my husband, Mike.

109
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:08,317
He's a successful
mortgage broker,

110
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:10,960
but sometimes he
feels like my third child.

111
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:12,991
- Hey, babe.
- Hey... Oh!

112
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:14,830
Look at all the bags you're carrying.
That's hilarious.

113
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You look like a Sherpa.

114
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Oh!

115
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:23,151
You guys. Thank you
for being super patient.

116
00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:25,470
I appreciate it.

117
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Here we go, guys.

118
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Thanks, honey.

119
00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:30,111
All right, love.
How was work?

120
00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,512
Oh, I had two conference
calls and then I took a nap.

121
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:34,999
It was exhausting.

122
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:37,478
I bet. I bet.
Uh...

123
00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:41,555
Dylan, baby, how was
your science quiz?

124
00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,114
Oh, I got a D.

125
00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:44,792
A D? But we
worked so hard.

126
00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:45,880
Baby, what happened?

127
00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:48,480
Do you need extra help?
Should we get you another tutor?

128
00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:49,879
Mmm, nah, I'm good.

129
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:51,674
Mike?

130
00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:54,354
Did you hear? Dylan got a
D on his science quiz.

131
00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:56,548
Way to go, bud.

132
00:05:57,600 --> 00:05:59,477
What? Okay.

133
00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:00,880
Um...

134
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,918
Jane! Oh, my gosh! Wait!
How was your soccer tryouts?

135
00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:07,470
Coach is posting a list of
who made the team tonight at 9:00,

136
00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:08,834
and I'm so nervous.

137
00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:11,639
Baby, it's okay, relax.
You will make the soccer team, I promise.

138
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,274
Just don't freak out.

139
00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:17,597
I'm freakin' out. I am, too.

140
00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:19,352
What time is it now?
8:59.
141
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,118
Come on!

142
00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:24,074
Oh, it's 9:00! It's 9:00.
Go, go, go! Hit refresh.

143
00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:27,714
- Oh, my God. I made the team.
- I made the team!

144
00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:29,358
Oh, my God.
I am so relieved.

145
00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:30,955
- Thank you.
- Oh, my God.

146
00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:33,594
Baby,
I'm so proud of you!

147
00:06:34,070 --> 00:06:35,430
- Oh, I'm so excited.
- Oh, my God.

148
00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:38,113
This is gonna look so awesome
on my college applications.

149
00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:39,794
Baby, it's great,
it's great,

150
00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:41,751
but just remember
you're only 12, so it's...

151
00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:42,880
Wait.

152
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:44,594
What if I don't play?

153
00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:47,476
What if I'm a loser
benchwarmer scrub?

154
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:49,510
You're great,
you're gonna be fine, you're...

155
00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:51,511
No! It's not fine, Mom.

156
00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:53,119
Do you understand
how hard it is

157
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:55,111
to get into
an Ivy League school now?

158
00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:57,191
I mean,
they turn away Asians.

159
00:06:57,880 --> 00:06:59,518
That's a little
racist, but...

160
00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:01,517
Oh, my God! I need to
practice my footwork.

161
00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:02,720
Why'd you let me
eat dessert?

162
00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:05,473
Oh, I know,
because you hate me!

163
00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:07,719
Holy shit.

164
00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:17,152
Hey, babe. It's late.
I'm going to bed.

165
00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:18,240
No.
166
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,073
Oh, my God,
are you...

167
00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:22,799
No, no, no, I was just
checking my prostate.

168
00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:26,232
You know, I've always wondered
what kind of porn you like.

169
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:27,720
Why won't this
fucking window close?

170
00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:31,200
Oh, my God,
that's a giant bush!

171
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:33,115
Uh, who the hell
are you?

172
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,558
I'm his wife.

173
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:37,875
Oh, shit.

174
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:41,109
Are you masturbating
online with some chick?

175
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:42,428
No, no!

176
00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:43,720
Well, then,
what are you doing?

177
00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:46,713
Uh, um...
I was clicking and then I...

178
00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:48,640
So then I was...

179
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,234
Yes, okay, I was masturbating
online with some chick.

180
00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,669
What the fuck!
Why are you doing that?

181
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,753
Hold on a second. I don't think
I've done anything wrong.

182
00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:58,796
This is totally
mainstream now.

183
00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:00,313
Hi, I'm Sharon.

184
00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:02,550
I don't know,
I don't know, Mike.

185
00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:05,518
This really
feels like cheating.

186
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:08,912
No, no, no, no, no,
this is definitely not cheating, honey.

187
00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:10,274
I've never even
touched her.

188
00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:13,079
Her giant bush
is 2,000 miles away.

189
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:15,995
But how long have
you been doing this?

190
00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:17,997
Oh, I don't know.
Not long.

191
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:19,559
Ten months next Friday.

192
00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:21,554
What the fuck?

193
00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:22,908
Ten months?

194
00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:27,870
Do you have
feelings for her?

195
00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:32,510
You don't masturbate online
with someone for 10 months

196
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:33,919
without developing
some feelings.

197
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:35,433
I mean, I'm not
a monster.

198
00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:37,630
Do you have
feelings for her, Mike?

199
00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:40,712
Yes! Okay?
I have feelings for her! God!

200
00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:44,551
She's actually
a pretty amazing woman.

201
00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:46,557
You know, she runs
her own dairy farm,

202
00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:48,119
she's developing
an app.
203
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:49,710
- Get out!
- What?

204
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:52,593
Get the fuck
out of my house.

205
00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:58,719
So uncool.

206
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:05,590
You know, Amy,
I just feel like

207
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:07,280
Mike is feeling
really trapped right now...

208
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:20,996
Okay, so your dad had to go
outta town on a business trip,

209
00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:23,554
so I'm gonna try to do
everything myself today,

210
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:25,189
which should be fine,

211
00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:29,558
as long as everybody does
what they are supposed to do.

212
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:30,640
Right?

213
00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:32,432
Oh, no.

214
00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:34,357
Why is Roscoe
walking like that?

215
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:36,112
He's fine.
He's totally fine.

216
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:39,878
Oh, no, buddy!

217
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:57,393
Lookin' good, Jeff.

218
00:09:57,480 --> 00:09:58,515
Oh.

219
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,397
Thanks.
Yeah, you been workin' out?

220
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:02,550
No, not for
like 10 years.

221
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:05,632
Your beige windbreaker is
really lightin' up my board.

222
00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:07,388
Oh, uh, thanks.

223
00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:08,959
Do you know what I mean?
My vagina.

224
00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:13,113
Bye, Jeff!

225
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,589
Emergency PTA meeting tonight.
Tell all your friends.

226
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:17,280
Oh, God.

227
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:19,396
There goes that little weird
stay-at-home mom.

228
00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,675
Emergency PTA meeting tonight.
Tell all your friends.

229
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,308
Oh, I don't have
any friends.

230
00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:26,070
- Oh.
- I'm pretty isolated at home.

231
00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:27,229
I have four kids.

232
00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:29,231
Okay, good. Please move along.
Thank you.

233
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:30,390
Emergency PTA
meeting tonight.

234
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:31,400
Thank you
for inviting me.

235
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,950
Oh, my God. She just got all
her sadness all over me.

236
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:39,519
Oh, shit!

237
00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:40,794
Here comes
the hot widower.

238
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:51,300
- Hey, Jessie.
- Hey, guys.

239
00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:52,320
- Hi.
- Hi.

240
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:54,233
Cute backpack
you got there.

241
00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:56,955
Oh, yeah.
Uh, I'm such an Elsa.

242
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:02,078
You're hilarious!
You really are!

243
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:03,309
God, he's so
fucking hot.

244
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:04,440
- Here you go.
- I know.

245
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:06,238
I'm so glad his wife died.

246
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:09,238
You know what? I saw him install a
car seat yesterday in two seconds.

247
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:11,749
I'm tellin' you, it was like
boom, boom, click.

248
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,120
- It was so hot.
- Oh, gosh.

249
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:17,436
You know what? I think I'd
let him put it in my butt.

250
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:19,680
I mean, in theory,
I'm not really into the butt thing,

251
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:22,228
but I would let him
go to town back there.

252
00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:24,596
- I'm with you.
- Emergency PTA meeting.

253
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,150
Okay, I got four minutes
to get Roscoe to the vet,

254
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:28,790
so I love you kids, get out,
get out, get out, get out.

255
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:30,153
I love you so much.
I'm so sorry.

256
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:31,600
Bye, Mom.

257
00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:35,710
Oh!
Oh, my God! Oh!

258
00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:37,992
Fuck, it's so hot!
Can you roll down...

259
00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:40,190
- Can you roll down the window?
- Okay. Okay, okay.

260
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:42,479
- Hey. Hey, babe, listen.
- Hi.

261
00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:46,036
There is a emergency PTA
meeting today at 5:00.

262
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:48,190
It should be about
two to three hours.

263
00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:50,000
- Awesome. Awesome.
- Okay?

264
00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:52,591
- Your dog's wearing a helmet.
- Okay, I know.

265
00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:54,079
Yes, it's... thank you.

266
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:55,595
Okay.

267
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:00,749
Fuck!

268
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:05,029
- Your dog has vertigo.
- That can't be a thing.

269
00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:08,079
And you are gonna have to
carry him until he gets home.

270
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:09,560
Are you shitting me
right now?

271
00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:10,675
I don't shit.

272
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:13,433
But he will, uncontrollably,
for the next 36 hours.

273
00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:17,518
I'm here.
I'm here. Amy's here.

274
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:20,073
You missed
the meeting, bro.

275
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:22,508
Oh, no.

276
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:25,833
Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck.

277
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:50,357
I know, I know.
I'm sorry, I'm late.

278
00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:51,589
Get in, get in, get in.

279
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:56,117
I can't believe I'm gonna be late
to my first soccer practice.

280
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,156
Baby, I'm doing
the best that I can.

281
00:12:58,240 --> 00:12:59,878
Yeah, that's what
makes it even sadder.

282
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:01,349
Oh, God.

283
00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:04,159
Hey, Dylan. Hey, honey.
How was your day?

284
00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:05,759
I swallowed
a pen cap again.

285
00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:07,280
Oh, God.

286
00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:08,595
Ooh!

287
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:10,240
Crap.

288
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:11,548
Was that a hit-and-run?

289
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:12,960
Nope.

290
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:14,828
Nope.
That was nothing.

291
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:23,558
Jane, go!
Go, go, go, go!

292
00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:25,193
Excuse me, Coach?

293
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:27,994
I'm so sorry that Jane is late.
It is all my fault.

294
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:30,756
You look wrecked.
You having a bad day?

295
00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:32,751
Oh, God, it literally
could not get any...

296
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:34,273
Ah!

297
00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:35,955
Shit.

298
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:41,679
Hey...

299
00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:45,111
Hi, guys! Guys, um...

300
00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:48,799
For those of you who have been
living under a rock...

301
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:50,871
I am Gwendolyn James.

302
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:53,719
I am the president
of the PTA,

303
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:55,388
but most importantly,
304
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:59,715
I am the proud mommy
to two beautiful daughters,

305
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:01,392
Blaire and Gandhi.

306
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:05,870
Now, I called this
emergency PTA meeting

307
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:10,238
to address an issue that radically
affects the safety of our children.

308
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:12,915
The bake sale.

309
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:17,798
Is this a joke?

310
00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:20,110
Now, this is a list
of the toxic ingredients

311
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:22,589
that are absolutely banned
from the bake sale.

312
00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:26,837
No BPA,
no MSG, no BHA, no BHT.

313
00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:29,480
Plus no soy, no sesame,
and, of course, no nuts

314
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:31,994
or eggs or milk or butter
or salt or sugar or wheat.

315
00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:33,080
Okay?

316
00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:34,990
Sorry, what ingredients
can we use?

317
00:14:35,070 --> 00:14:36,870
- Anyway, I will be putting together...
- Thank you.

318
00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:39,917
...a special bake
sale police force

319
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:45,154
that will monitor the food. That
will destroy any offensive treats

320
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:48,433
and prosecute
the wrongdoers.

321
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:49,600
Yes.

322
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:52,319
So who will be
my first volunteer

323
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:53,600
for the bake sale
police force?

324
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:57,713
I think we're gonna
have Amy Mitchell!

325
00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:00,189
What?

326
00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:02,032
That's what you get
for being late, sweetie.

327
00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:05,040
No.

328
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:08,915
What's that now?
329
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:11,676
I've had a really long day.

330
00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:15,997
I have been
bruised and burned,

331
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:17,508
knocked unconscious.

332
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:20,194
I screwed up my daughter's
first day at soccer

333
00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:24,034
and I hand-searched
my son's poo for a pen cap

334
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:27,756
and my poor dog
has vertigo.

335
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:30,912
I mean, who knew that that was
even a real thing, you guys?

336
00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:33,677
God, I'm drowning
at work

337
00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:36,115
and my boss
is a fucking moron

338
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:37,629
and...

339
00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:40,197
Three hours ago
I may or may not

340
00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:42,236
have committed
a felony hit-and-run.

341
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:46,313
I can't do this anymore.

342
00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:49,388
I'm sorry.

343
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:51,068
I'm done.

344
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:55,799
I quit.

345
00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:29,475
- Hey, what can I get ya?
- Oh, Scotch.

346
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:32,080
Oh, hey, I know you.

347
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:35,440
You're that chick that always
picks up my kid from school

348
00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:37,476
when I forget/don't
want to.

349
00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:41,031
- Amy Mitchell.
- Yeah, Carla. Carla Dunkler.

350
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:42,758
Jesus, you look like
a bag of dicks.

351
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,950
- Thanks.
- Hi.

352
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:47,952
I'm really sorry to interrupt,
but, um, I just have to tell you,

353
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:51,032
what you did back there
was amazing.

354
00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:53,276
Thank you.

355
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:54,634
It's Kiki, right?

356
00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:55,829
Yes.

357
00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:57,555
She knows my name.

358
00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:00,472
I feel like
Beyoncé Knowles.

359
00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:02,070
Why don't you sit down
and have a drink with us?

360
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:04,878
What do you mean "us"? Honey, I
was just sitting here by myself.

361
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:06,149
I would love to,
but I can't.

362
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:07,430
I have to go to
the grocery store

363
00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:09,830
and then I have to go home and
clean out my son's hamster cage,

364
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:11,230
'cause he gets so
mad when I forget.

365
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,231
- Have a drink, Kiki.
- Okay, yeah.

366
00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,197
- Okay.
- Yes, I'd like an apple juice.
367
00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:16,759
Why don't you
have this instead?

368
00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:19,839
Excuse me?

369
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:23,833
Oh, do you know what my
favorite mom fantasy is?

370
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:25,035
- What?
- Uh-oh.

371
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:29,193
Having a quiet
breakfast by myself.

372
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:31,236
- Oh! That is so hot!
- Oh!

373
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:32,918
- Sounds glorious.
- Oh.

374
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,074
Sometimes when I'm
driving all by myself,

375
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:38,080
I have this fantasy that
I get into a car crash.

376
00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:41,317
Not a big one with fire and explosions,
but just like a little one.

377
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:42,628
But I do get injured

378
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:45,439
and I get to go to the
hospital for two weeks
379
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:49,593
and I sleep all day and I eat
Jell-O and I watch so much TV

380
00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:51,591
and it's all
covered by my insurance.

381
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:54,877
My kids bring me balloons,
and the nurses rub cream on my feet,

382
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,190
and oh, my God,
it's so amazing.

383
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:04,272
Is that like something you
guys fantasize about, too?

384
00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:05,874
- No.
- No.

385
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,791
- You're bat-shit crazy.
- Yeah.

386
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,511
And I'm never gonna get
into a car with you.

387
00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:16,472
Is it fun
being a single mom?

388
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,075
Yes!

389
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,312
- I go to the casino.
- Yeah.

390
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:22,995
You know,
I'm learning karate now.
391
00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:26,318
Plus, I have, like, a stable
of hot dudes to call right up

392
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:27,998
whenever I want
some D in my V.

393
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:31,798
- I wanna be a single mom.
- No, it's fuckin' awesome.

394
00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:33,195
Bottom line is,

395
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,430
I have to live my life one
quarter mile at a time.

396
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:38,275
- Is that from... Yeah.
- The Fast and Furious.

397
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:41,912
I fucked Vin Diesel when he
was in town doing Furious 6.

398
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:43,911
- You fucked Vin Diesel?
- Yeah.

399
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:45,194
Vincent Diesel?

400
00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:48,478
It might not have been
actually Vin Diesel,

401
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:50,516
but I definitely
fucked a bald guy.

402
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:52,153
- Salud.
- Salud.

403
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:53,434
- Yep.
- To Vincent Diesel.

404
00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:54,555
- Oh, my God.
- Jesus.

405
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:56,830
- Kiki, get your shit together.
- Oh, my God.

406
00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:58,832
- Do you know what I hate?
- Mmm?

407
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:00,911
There are so many
fuckin' rules now.

408
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,069
Yes, God.

409
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,760
"Don't punish your kids."
"Don't say no to your kids."

410
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:06,876
Yeah. "Go to your
kid's baseball games."

411
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,359
"Tell your kids
you love 'em."

412
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:11,040
"Don't fuck the janitor
at your kid's school."

413
00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:13,111
I mean, what the
fuck is this? Russia?

414
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:17,913
We're killing ourselves, trying to be
perfect, and it's making us insane.

415
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:21,237
In this day and age,
it's impossible to be a good mom.

416
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:24,038
- Screw it.
- Yeah.

417
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:25,309
Let's be bad moms.

418
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,118
- Oh, I'm in.
- Right?

419
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:29,714
Oh, my gosh, okay.
This is exciting. I'm in!

420
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:33,076
- Yes! To bad moms. Whoo!
- To bad moms!

421
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:34,515
Aw.

422
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:36,993
- I love you guys.
- Mmm.

423
00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:38,479
- Oh, dude.
- We love you, Kiki.

424
00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:40,118
- We just met, Kiki.
- Forever.

425
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:42,230
- I love you forever.
- I'm not into this kind of...

426
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,470
Oh, gosh, honey,
we gotta go get you home.

427
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:45,800
- We gotta go.
- Yeah, let's go.

428
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:48,320
- We gotta go.
- No, I can't. I have to go to the supermarket.

429
00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:51,153
Let's go
to the supermarket!

430
00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:01,954
Oh, my God.

431
00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:04,709
- You're so cute.
- Adorable.

432
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:06,433
Oh, I wanna
eat her face.

433
00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:07,555
Hi, bunny.

434
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:08,675
All right, let's go!

435
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:53,669
Where is she?

436
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,719
Oh, it's so bright,
you guys.

437
00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:00,949
Are you okay?

438
00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:02,473
Yeah, I'm awesome.

439
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,033
What did you
do last night?

440
00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:06,388
Nothin'.

441
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:09,269
But we may need to
find a new supermarket.

442
00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:14,157
Oh, my God.
I made nachos last night!

443
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:15,920
Oh.

444
00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:18,588
Amazing.

445
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:20,435
Mmm.

446
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:22,511
The cheese is so hard.

447
00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:29,309
Um...

448
00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:31,550
Aren't you gonna
make us breakfast?

449
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:32,709
Oh.

450
00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:33,835
No.

451
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,749
But what are we
gonna eat?

452
00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:40,559
You guys are really smart.

453
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:42,318
You can make
your own breakfast.
454
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:46,072
I'm just gonna
take these to go.

455
00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:52,348
Peace!

456
00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:56,073
All right,
get in the car.

457
00:22:57,800 --> 00:22:59,472
You know what?
On second thought,

458
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:01,240
let's take your
daddy's special car today.

459
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:04,117
- Won't Dad be mad?
- Yeah.

460
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:05,428
Probably.

461
00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:35,634
Whoo!

462
00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:38,559
That was so awesome!

463
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:40,914
All right.

464
00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:43,708
What is she driving?

465
00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:45,473
Have a great day
at school!

466
00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:47,599
Oh, wait, wait, wait!
Your lunch!
467
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:52,390
- Thanks, Mom.
- You're the best mom ever!

468
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:53,913
Aw, I love you, guys!

469
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:56,233
Is that Arby's?

470
00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:58,231
I love their
hot fish sandwich.

471
00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:00,311
Hey, Amy. Hi.

472
00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:01,880
Hey, we're having
a PTA meeting today

473
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:04,070
to discuss the upcoming
election at 2:00.

474
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:05,275
Will we see you there?

475
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:06,555
No.

476
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:11,000
Oh.

477
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:13,116
That bitch is
playing a dangerous game.

478
00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:15,840
Amy plays football?

479
00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:17,549
Oh, my God.

480
00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:27,758
Oh, thank you.

481
00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:29,600
Amazing!

482
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:31,955
Oh, this is Amy.

483
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:34,679
Amy, where are you? The morning
huddle started an hour ago.

484
00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:38,515
Oh, yeah, Dale, I'm not going to that.
It's a total waste of time.

485
00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:40,752
Are you feeling okay, Amy?

486
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:42,671
Are you having
a senior moment?

487
00:24:43,120 --> 00:24:44,678
I've actually
never felt better.

488
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:48,355
I'm having a quiet breakfast
and reading the newspaper

489
00:24:48,440 --> 00:24:50,715
for the first
time in 12 years.

490
00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:53,714
You need to come into
the office right now!

491
00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:57,509
No, I don't. I don't, Dale. I only
work for you three days a week.

492
00:24:57,840 --> 00:25:01,196
If you want me to work more, then
you should pay me to do that.
493
00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:03,870
Okay, Amy, you're kind of
making me look like a dick

494
00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:05,510
in front of everybody
in the office right now.

495
00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:07,795
Have a great meeting!
Goodbye, Dale.

496
00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:29,390
- Hello?
- Hey, Kiki. It's Amy.

497
00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:30,480
Hi!

498
00:25:30,560 --> 00:25:32,312
Um, I was actually
calling to see,

499
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:34,320
uh, if you'd like to join
me at the movies today.

500
00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:36,912
Are we allowed to do that?

501
00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:38,992
Well, I don't see why not.

502
00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:42,078
I can't. I mean, I have
to iron Kent's underwear.

503
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:43,549
What? Why?

504
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:45,916
I don't know. He likes
really stiff underwear.

505
00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:48,190
Come on, Kiki,
live a little.

506
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:54,274
Uh... Okay. Okay, okay.
I'll do it.

507
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:56,751
Awesome.
Okay, I'll call Carla.

508
00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:59,070
Oh, fun! I like her.

509
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:00,599
I'm also
very scared of her.

510
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:02,589
Okay.

511
00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:04,637
Ow! Ow!

512
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:07,918
- Yo!
- Hey, it's Amy.

513
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:09,510
Um, I'm calling to see
if you'd like to join

514
00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:11,030
Kiki and I at the
movies this afternoon.

515
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:12,189
I'm already here.

516
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:13,280
Hey, lady.

517
00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:16,000
- Get off your phone.
- Guess what?

518
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:17,433
She dies in the end.

519
00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:19,114
Yeah, cancer gets her.

520
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:20,480
What?

521
00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:22,836
Yeah, what do you
bitches wanna see?

522
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:33,758
Love is stronger

523
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:36,628
than space.

524
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:39,115
You guys, lady boners over here.

525
00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:48,636
- Cheers, ladies.
- Mmm.

526
00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:49,960
Mmm.

527
00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:53,030
This has been
so much fun.

528
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:54,630
Thank you, girls,
for coming out with me.

529
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:55,640
Are you kidding me?

530
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:58,917
This has literally been the
best day of my entire life.

531
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,194
Oh, honey.
532
00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:03,153
My ex is picking up the kid,
so I can go all night if...

533
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:05,197
Oh. hey, did you
hear that?

534
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:06,679
My ex has my kid.

535
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:08,680
Hey, hon, I've got
a question for you.

536
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:12,918
Is it hard to share your
son with your ex-husband?

537
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:14,600
- Fuck no.
- No?

538
00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:16,955
Have you seen my kid?
He's like nine feet tall

539
00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:18,712
and all he cares
about is baseball.

540
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:20,392
Do you go
to all of his games?

541
00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:22,471
No. No, I don't.

542
00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:24,560
The last game I went
to was six hours long

543
00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:26,431
and the final score
was one to two.

544
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:29,590
So, I'd rather go to Afghanistan
than another kids' baseball game.

545
00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:30,600
Cheers.

546
00:27:31,360 --> 00:27:33,874
How do you think that your
divorce affected your kid?

547
00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:37,156
How are things
in your home, Amy?

548
00:27:38,120 --> 00:27:41,192
- Oh, it's fine.
- Everything's fine.

549
00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:44,800
Ugh.

550
00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:49,197
I caught Mike having an
affair online with a woman,

551
00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:51,874
and I guess it's been going
on for like 10 months.

552
00:27:52,040 --> 00:27:54,474
Oh! Did you drive
a spike through his nuts?

553
00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:57,879
No. Here's the truth.

554
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:01,109
Our marriage has
been over for years.

555
00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:04,034
I don't even remember
the last time we had sex.

556
00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:08,156
Kent and I have sex every
Friday night after Blue Bloods.

557
00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:13,635
I find Tom Selleck's work
to be extremely erotic.

558
00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:18,035
I feel like everything that comes out
of your mouth is a cry for help.

559
00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:20,312
Kiki, you're so weird.

560
00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:21,515
No, wait,

561
00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:23,909
why did you marry this
shithead in the first place?

562
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:25,115
He sounds like an asshole.

563
00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:26,792
Because we were
young and in love.

564
00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:29,314
I mean, he wasn't always an asshole.
I promise you.

565
00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:33,112
It's true. Listen, I got
pregnant, we got married.

566
00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:34,633
I was only 20.

567
00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:38,113
You know what? Mike and I
never got our twenties.

568
00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:40,589
Like, you know,
the fun twenties, and...

569
00:28:40,680 --> 00:28:41,950
I feel like
maybe he missed that.

570
00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:42,960
Oh, my God.

571
00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:44,873
Maybe I did, too.

572
00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:47,520
When I was in my twenties,
I would just walk down the street

573
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:50,751
and it would just be raining
dicks wherever I went.

574
00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:52,110
It was just dick,
dick, dick, dick,

575
00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:53,350
dick, dick, dick,
dick, dick, dick.

576
00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:56,158
It was, like, forecast,
lot of cock!

577
00:28:57,920 --> 00:28:58,955
Kiki?

578
00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:02,270
Hi. Kent, hi.

579
00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:03,714
What are you
doing here?

580
00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:06,234
I'm just having lunch
with my new friends.

581
00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:08,420
- Who's watching the kids?
- Rosie.
582
00:29:08,520 --> 00:29:10,033
Isn't that your job?

583
00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:11,953
Whoa! Who the fuck
are you?

584
00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:13,309
Yes. Yes, Kent.

585
00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:16,995
It absolutely is my job,
and I was just about to leave, so,

586
00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:19,475
um, thank you guys
so much.

587
00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:21,398
I can't, uh,
do the math right now.

588
00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:24,358
Just take that and have a
wonderful day, you guys.

589
00:29:24,440 --> 00:29:25,668
I really enjoyed it.
Thank you.

590
00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:26,795
Oh, my...

591
00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:28,950
Nice to meet you,
Ike Turner!

592
00:29:29,360 --> 00:29:30,759
That's really
disturbing.

593
00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:31,909
Yes!

594
00:29:32,200 --> 00:29:34,120
But on the plus side,
she left way too much cash,

595
00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:35,997
so I think I'm gonna
get fucked up!

596
00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:05,593
Yeah, donut holes!

597
00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:07,200
I love these things.
How much are they?

598
00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:08,355
Um...

599
00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:10,909
Five cents.

600
00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:12,911
How about a dollar?

601
00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:14,672
What?

602
00:30:14,760 --> 00:30:16,637
Hey now, big spender.

603
00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:18,195
Thank you.

604
00:30:18,840 --> 00:30:19,955
Mmm.

605
00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:22,589
Why are these so good?
Caramel number six.

606
00:30:22,680 --> 00:30:23,980
- Is that what it is?
- Mmm-hmm.

607
00:30:24,640 --> 00:30:25,675
They're tasty.
608
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:28,597
- She's adorable.
- Thank you.

609
00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:29,720
Mmm-hmm.

610
00:30:30,280 --> 00:30:31,280
Good to see you.

611
00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:33,112
Bye. Bye.

612
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:36,594
Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my.
What do we have here?

613
00:30:36,680 --> 00:30:39,240
Are these store-bought
donut holes, Amy?

614
00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:41,199
What? No.

615
00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:42,998
Gosh, no,
I made them by hand

616
00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:46,072
and then I put them in the
weird plastic container.

617
00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:47,832
Oh, thank God.
'Cause we do not

618
00:30:47,920 --> 00:30:49,433
allow store-bought
holes.

619
00:30:49,560 --> 00:30:51,551
- Seriously, Vicky?
- Oh, come on, Gwendolyn.

620
00:30:51,640 --> 00:30:53,153
Who cares what
food people bring

621
00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:54,878
as long as it
raises money, right?

622
00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:57,110
- Oh, did she just... Oh.
- She did.

623
00:30:57,440 --> 00:30:58,873
Hit her with it, G.

624
00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:01,560
Well, you see,
I care, sweetie.

625
00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:03,870
I don't... I don't know what's
been going on with you,

626
00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:06,474
I mean, with your
weird outbursts

627
00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:09,074
and your terrible style,

628
00:31:09,160 --> 00:31:10,832
but it ends now.

629
00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:13,116
Okay? I run this school,

630
00:31:13,200 --> 00:31:16,988
and no one takes
a class or kicks a ball

631
00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:20,595
or plays a fuckin' clarinet
without my say-so.

632
00:31:21,520 --> 00:31:24,956
And I can make life
a living hell for you

633
00:31:25,040 --> 00:31:26,837
and your dirty
little children.

634
00:31:27,440 --> 00:31:28,793
Do you understand me?

635
00:31:28,880 --> 00:31:32,350
Wow, Gwendolyn, I genuinely think
you should just relax a little bit,

636
00:31:32,440 --> 00:31:34,635
I mean, have a donut hole.
They're delicious.

637
00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:36,870
They're from a gas station.
They're... Mmm.

638
00:31:37,400 --> 00:31:39,630
You have crossed
the line, little girl.

639
00:31:39,720 --> 00:31:41,597
And I am going
to destroy you.

640
00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:44,598
Winter is coming.

641
00:31:46,120 --> 00:31:47,155
Gwendolyn.

642
00:31:47,400 --> 00:31:49,834
Oh, my God.
You are so fucked.

643
00:31:50,440 --> 00:31:51,475
What...

644
00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:53,520
- Bye.
- Bye.

645
00:31:56,040 --> 00:31:57,439
Out of my way!
646
00:31:58,160 --> 00:31:59,388
I'm sorry, Gwendolyn.

647
00:32:03,720 --> 00:32:05,438
You psyched for
Mandarin class?

648
00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:06,720
- No!
- No.

649
00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:08,597
Mandarin class
is so stressful.

650
00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:10,875
Everyone just
barfs the whole time.

651
00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:12,790
- Did you say "barfs"?
- Yeah.

652
00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:14,833
Oh, my God.

653
00:32:14,960 --> 00:32:16,154
Wha...

654
00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:18,671
Why are we doing this?

655
00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:24,473
What are you doing?
Mandarin class is back that way!

656
00:32:24,560 --> 00:32:25,560
I know.

657
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:27,479
But we're gonna
play hooky today.

658
00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:34,718
We cannot
afford this place.
659
00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:36,438
Don't worry.
I've got a plan.

660
00:32:39,400 --> 00:32:41,750
- Shh. Get in here, you idiots.
- We totally snuck in.

661
00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:43,990
- I know! Shh.
- I can't believe you have a real job.

662
00:32:44,080 --> 00:32:47,231
You're a lucky girl, Becky.
I would never do this for my kid.

663
00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:48,998
Yeah. My mom's
pretty cool.

664
00:32:50,200 --> 00:32:52,156
Also, my name's Jane.

665
00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:53,349
Okay.

666
00:32:53,440 --> 00:32:55,280
All right. Showers on
the left. Have fun, guys.

667
00:32:55,360 --> 00:32:56,960
- Bye, Becky! Shh.
- Okay, thanks, Carla.

668
00:32:57,680 --> 00:33:00,069
- This place is fancy.
- Gosh.

669
00:33:00,760 --> 00:33:02,318
Oh, look.
Free soap.

670
00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:03,628
No, honey,
don't take that.
671
00:33:03,720 --> 00:33:05,920
Oh, no, that's some good soap.
Take it, take it.

672
00:33:08,960 --> 00:33:11,758
This is what the tub looks like
after your brother takes a bath.

673
00:33:13,520 --> 00:33:15,272
You look like Kung Fu Panda.

674
00:33:18,160 --> 00:33:19,388
This is amazing.

675
00:33:19,520 --> 00:33:20,635
Mmm-hmm.

676
00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:23,197
We should get matching
tattoos after this.

677
00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:27,036
I'm really glad
we did this, Mom.

678
00:33:27,120 --> 00:33:29,873
I haven't felt this
relaxed in, like, ever.

679
00:33:30,560 --> 00:33:33,472
God, you needed a break from
school and soccer and...

680
00:33:34,440 --> 00:33:36,032
This whole Dad thing.

681
00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:38,708
What whole Dad thing?

682
00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:41,431
Nothing. Nothing!

683
00:33:41,840 --> 00:33:43,717
Does Dad
have a brain tumor?
684
00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:46,155
What? No!
No, no, no, no.

685
00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:48,037
God, no. Um...

686
00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:53,275
Your dad and I are going through
a rough patch right now.

687
00:33:54,080 --> 00:33:55,433
Are you guys
gonna get divorced?

688
00:33:55,520 --> 00:33:56,839
What? No, no, no.

689
00:33:56,920 --> 00:34:01,118
No. We're not getting
divorced right away.

690
00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:05,275
I just want you to know that
no matter what happens,

691
00:34:06,240 --> 00:34:07,275
it's not your fault.

692
00:34:07,800 --> 00:34:09,518
Why would it be
my fault?

693
00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:11,158
Why would you even
say that?

694
00:34:11,240 --> 00:34:12,240
I don't know!

695
00:34:12,360 --> 00:34:15,238
Oh, my God, baby, I'm so sorry!
I suck at this!

696
00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:17,436
I just don't
wanna be weird, okay?

697
00:34:17,560 --> 00:34:20,028
Baby, please don't cry. Please...
No, no, no, no, no.

698
00:34:20,160 --> 00:34:22,435
Honey, I need you to look at me,
just look at me, okay?

699
00:34:23,320 --> 00:34:24,753
Baby, baby...

700
00:34:25,760 --> 00:34:28,069
I need you to know
that your dad loves you.

701
00:34:28,520 --> 00:34:30,078
That I love you.

702
00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:35,234
And I promise you,
you will be fine.

703
00:34:37,240 --> 00:34:38,514
How do you know?

704
00:34:38,600 --> 00:34:39,999
Because I'm your mom,

705
00:34:41,080 --> 00:34:43,640
and I know you
better than anyone,

706
00:34:43,720 --> 00:34:45,711
and I know what
you're made of.

707
00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:50,718
Oh, honey.

708
00:34:50,800 --> 00:34:52,233
I love you.

709
00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:55,438
I love you, too.
710
00:34:59,080 --> 00:35:00,399
Hey, Coach?

711
00:35:01,320 --> 00:35:02,469
Coach!

712
00:35:03,200 --> 00:35:04,394
Fuck!

713
00:35:05,360 --> 00:35:06,990
- Hi, Gwendolyn.
- Hi, how are you?

714
00:35:07,370 --> 00:35:08,870
Listen, um,
I wanna talk to you about

715
00:35:08,880 --> 00:35:10,830
- the starting lineup of next week's game.
- Mmm-hmm.

716
00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:13,480
In particular, Amy
Mitchell's daughter, Jane.

717
00:35:13,600 --> 00:35:15,909
You know I can't discuss
specific players with you.

718
00:35:16,320 --> 00:35:18,231
And you know that
I chair the hiring

719
00:35:18,320 --> 00:35:20,151
and firing committee,
right?

720
00:35:20,240 --> 00:35:23,596
So let's stop dicking around and
let's get to the fucking point.

721
00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:25,837
Please don't get
me fired, Gwendolyn.

722
00:35:26,560 --> 00:35:28,310
- My cat just died.
- Oh.

723
00:35:28,400 --> 00:35:31,039
And I'm really very
fragile right now.

724
00:35:31,920 --> 00:35:33,353
Bench the little dork.

725
00:35:34,200 --> 00:35:35,428
Yeah, she's fuckin' gone.

726
00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:39,000
- I need this. This is my time.
- Do you know what I mean?

727
00:35:43,480 --> 00:35:44,993
- Go for Carla.
- Hey, it's Amy,

728
00:35:45,120 --> 00:35:47,430
I just found out Mike is staying
with his Internet girlfriend.

729
00:35:47,440 --> 00:35:49,954
<i>Oh, fuck him!
We need to get you laid.</i>

730
00:35:51,040 --> 00:35:52,109
I wanna get laid.

731
00:35:52,200 --> 00:35:53,200
I'm on my way.

732
00:35:57,400 --> 00:35:58,799
I'm so excited.

733
00:35:58,880 --> 00:36:00,550
Honey, I don't know,
what are you gonna wear?

734
00:36:00,560 --> 00:36:01,560
It's like a nun's closet.

735
00:36:01,840 --> 00:36:03,512
No, no, wait.
I got it, I got it.

736
00:36:03,640 --> 00:36:05,232
Let's see this!

737
00:36:05,840 --> 00:36:07,558
It's my favorite.

738
00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:08,880
I love it.

739
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:12,310
No! No! Are you trying
to get laid or adopted?

740
00:36:12,720 --> 00:36:14,550
- Oh.
- Fair point.

741
00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:15,640
Ooh.

742
00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:16,989
Okay.

743
00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:21,313
That's what a lonely
person gets buried in.

744
00:36:21,400 --> 00:36:23,277
Fuck, you guys,
I literally have nothing, then.

745
00:36:23,360 --> 00:36:25,191
I have mom clothes,
I have work clothes.

746
00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:27,874
Okay, you know, let me get
in there one more time.

747
00:36:27,960 --> 00:36:29,750
I'm gonna find it. Move. Move.
Move, move, get me in here.
748
00:36:29,760 --> 00:36:31,790
- I have jackets, I have lots of 'em.
- We'll find it.

749
00:36:31,800 --> 00:36:33,270
- We'll find something, honey.
- Don't get discouraged.

750
00:36:33,280 --> 00:36:34,430
- Okay. Okay.
- You can do this.

751
00:36:34,440 --> 00:36:35,998
I mean, Jesus Christ!

752
00:36:36,080 --> 00:36:38,799
This is something that
Mrs. Doubtfire would wear.

753
00:36:38,880 --> 00:36:40,757
I love that movie.

754
00:36:40,840 --> 00:36:42,034
- Me too.
- Okay.

755
00:36:42,120 --> 00:36:43,200
It's such a good film.

756
00:36:43,240 --> 00:36:44,992
Wait a minute,
I see a spaghetti strap.

757
00:36:46,000 --> 00:36:49,709
No, hold on. This was, like, my slutty
Halloween costume from college.

758
00:36:49,800 --> 00:36:51,358
I like the word "slutty".
Put it on.

759
00:36:51,440 --> 00:36:52,839
Just try it.
Try it.

760
00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:55,430
You guys are ridiculous.
I'm telling you...

761
00:36:55,560 --> 00:36:58,260
- Holy fuck! Look at your mom bra!
- Ooh.

762
00:36:58,320 --> 00:37:00,675
There's so much
surface area.

763
00:37:00,760 --> 00:37:03,877
You can make three regular
bras out of this one mom bra.

764
00:37:03,960 --> 00:37:06,758
This isn't my mom bra.
This is my sexy bra.

765
00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:08,513
Shut up!

766
00:37:08,590 --> 00:37:10,190
- Don't laugh.
- Wait, are you serious?

767
00:37:10,200 --> 00:37:11,428
Yes!

768
00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:12,920
- Oh, honey.
- Amy.

769
00:37:13,040 --> 00:37:15,156
Oh! That looks like you
just got out of surgery.

770
00:37:15,240 --> 00:37:16,434
Is it that bad?

771
00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:19,160
- Yeah, there's just one boob-log.
- Yeah.

772
00:37:19,240 --> 00:37:20,798
You don't even
have two tits.
773
00:37:21,040 --> 00:37:23,240
I have this in black. Do you
guys wanna see it in black?

774
00:37:23,280 --> 00:37:24,430
- No!
- No!

775
00:37:24,600 --> 00:37:27,831
Oh, wow. This bra will be
the death of your vagina.

776
00:37:31,120 --> 00:37:32,120
Oh!

777
00:37:32,200 --> 00:37:33,269
Oh, my gosh.

778
00:37:33,360 --> 00:37:36,830
You guys, I've only handled
one penis my entire life.

779
00:37:36,920 --> 00:37:37,955
Oh, honey!

780
00:37:38,040 --> 00:37:40,315
What do I do if I get
a guy with a weird dick?

781
00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:41,840
Kent is a never-hard.

782
00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:43,598
Ooh.
What's a never-hard?

783
00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:45,511
Oh, he never
gets fully hard.

784
00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:50,236
So I just have to kind of fold his
penis up like a balloon animal

785
00:37:50,320 --> 00:37:52,151
and shove it up
in my vagina.

786
00:37:52,480 --> 00:37:54,516
- That sounds horrible!
- Yeah.

787
00:37:54,600 --> 00:37:57,034
Sometimes I take the balls
and shove 'em up there, too,

788
00:37:57,120 --> 00:37:59,350
because at least,
you know, they're firm.

789
00:37:59,440 --> 00:38:02,591
Honey, that is a lot of shit
to shove up your cooter.

790
00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:04,671
I mean, I'm just
happy he's circumcised.

791
00:38:04,840 --> 00:38:07,308
What if I get somebody
who's not circumcised?

792
00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:09,197
Run out of the room
screaming.

793
00:38:09,280 --> 00:38:10,872
It's like finding
a gun in the street.

794
00:38:10,960 --> 00:38:12,712
Just scream and
get outta there!

795
00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:14,995
No way, you guys.
Uncut guys are great.

796
00:38:15,080 --> 00:38:16,080
Really?

797
00:38:16,160 --> 00:38:17,480
Oh, they're always
so nice to you,

798
00:38:17,560 --> 00:38:19,070
because they know
their dicks are gross.

799
00:38:19,080 --> 00:38:20,195
How do I handle it?

800
00:38:20,280 --> 00:38:21,590
- What, do I just touch it?
- Oh, I'll show you. Here.

801
00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:23,510
- Let me just, Kiki, do you mind for a sec?
- Uh-uh. What?

802
00:38:23,520 --> 00:38:27,274
Just imagine for a second that
this is the hood of the uncut cock

803
00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:29,789
- ...and then this is the penis face. Okay?
- Mmm-hmm.

804
00:38:29,880 --> 00:38:32,110
So, what you would
do is very gently,

805
00:38:32,200 --> 00:38:36,512
you would just kind
of try to peel it back

806
00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:39,793
over like that to expose
the head of the cock.

807
00:38:39,960 --> 00:38:42,269
Okay. And then you
would just gently,

808
00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:43,830
you wanna, I'm sorry,
honey, you just wanna kind of,

809
00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:44,989
like it gets
a little tight,

810
00:38:45,080 --> 00:38:46,513
and you gotta
kind of work it,

811
00:38:46,600 --> 00:38:48,192
you know, you gotta work it off.

812
00:38:48,280 --> 00:38:50,669
And then you just go to town
like it's a, you know...

813
00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:52,717
You know,
you jerk it off

814
00:38:52,800 --> 00:38:53,915
till you wanna
sit on it.

815
00:38:54,040 --> 00:38:55,359
Okay? What do I do with this?

816
00:38:55,370 --> 00:38:57,660
- What?
- Like, do I put it in a hair clip or do I just...

817
00:38:57,680 --> 00:38:59,280
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, this,

818
00:38:59,360 --> 00:39:00,550
this you can
flick it, suck it,

819
00:39:00,560 --> 00:39:02,416
- you know, rub your face on it.
- I don't wanna do that.

820
00:39:02,426 --> 00:39:03,550
I don't wanna rub
my face on it.

821
00:39:03,560 --> 00:39:05,516
- Okay, well, take care of this, though.
- Okay.

822
00:39:05,600 --> 00:39:08,558
'Cause this is like a big,
giant man clit.

823
00:39:08,640 --> 00:39:09,640
This, right here.

824
00:39:09,720 --> 00:39:11,790
If you work this,
it's gonna be like...

825
00:39:14,800 --> 00:39:16,390
- Does that make sense, honey?
- Yeah, it's great.

826
00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:17,550
- Thank you, honey.
- Okay. Sure, sure, sure.

827
00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:19,710
I'm not gonna wear this
sweatshirt ever again.

828
00:40:04,240 --> 00:40:06,590
Okay, okay, all right.
Let's get right down to it.

829
00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:08,230
What kind of guy
are you into, honey?

830
00:40:08,240 --> 00:40:11,437
You know what?
I've never been with a Latin man.

831
00:40:11,640 --> 00:40:13,278
If I were you,
I would start with maybe

832
00:40:13,360 --> 00:40:15,715
like just kind
of fat and Jewish,

833
00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:17,950
and then work yourself
into the Latin guy.

834
00:40:18,040 --> 00:40:19,440
- Excuse me.
- Okay.

835
00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:21,075
- Hi, there.
- Hi!

836
00:40:21,160 --> 00:40:22,160
Is this seat taken?

837
00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:24,113
Um, yes.

838
00:40:24,200 --> 00:40:26,900
- I mean, yes, no, like yes, sit, please.
- Yeah.

839
00:40:27,360 --> 00:40:29,130
- What do I do?
- Ask him about his hobbies.

840
00:40:30,120 --> 00:40:31,270
- Hi.
- Hi.

841
00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:33,790
- Um, I'm Amy.
- Braden.

842
00:40:33,880 --> 00:40:35,199
Braden, nice
to meet you, Braden.

843
00:40:35,280 --> 00:40:37,316
Nice to meet you.
I like your wedding ring.

844
00:40:37,440 --> 00:40:38,475
Shit!

845
00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:40,556
Um...

846
00:40:40,640 --> 00:40:43,359
Okay, you see,
this is a funny story.

847
00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:46,000
I was, um...
I was grocery shopping

848
00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:48,514
and I found it on the floor,
and I picked it up and...

849
00:40:48,920 --> 00:40:50,148
And then I put it on.

850
00:40:50,880 --> 00:40:52,440
- I'm gonna sit somewhere else.
- Okay.

851
00:40:53,480 --> 00:40:55,550
Ooh, maybe next time,
try it without your wedding ring.

852
00:40:55,560 --> 00:40:57,070
- Oh, that's a great idea!
- Yeah?

853
00:40:57,160 --> 00:40:58,670
- Yes.
- Hey, ladies.

854
00:40:58,760 --> 00:41:00,750
- Hi!
- Where are you comin' in from?

855
00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:03,752
Uh, we live in
Westbury with our kids.

856
00:41:04,760 --> 00:41:06,512
Great. Oh.

857
00:41:06,790 --> 00:41:08,510
Oh, forget it. I'm really nervous,
you guys.

858
00:41:08,520 --> 00:41:09,830
- You're doing great.
- I know, I know. There is...

859
00:41:09,840 --> 00:41:10,840
You're doing great.

860
00:41:10,960 --> 00:41:12,070
Look it, there is so
much cock in here...

861
00:41:12,072 --> 00:41:13,372
- Yeah...
- that if you literally...

862
00:41:13,374 --> 00:41:16,684
Just try to act half-normal
and you are gonna get laid.

863
00:41:16,800 --> 00:41:18,910
- Just don't be such a mom.
- Okay.

864
00:41:19,920 --> 00:41:21,353
You should eat more soup.

865
00:41:22,120 --> 00:41:25,157
Oh, I loved breastfeeding until
my nipples started cracking.

866
00:41:25,840 --> 00:41:28,274
This should prevent the
stain from setting, okay?

867
00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:31,031
Tupperware! Pinterest!

868
00:41:31,160 --> 00:41:32,878
Explosive diarrhea!

869
00:41:33,000 --> 00:41:34,319
Does your mom
know you're here?

870
00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:38,276
See, it wasn't just about a
dolphin getting a new tail.
871
00:41:38,360 --> 00:41:40,555
It was about a family
coming together.

872
00:41:44,840 --> 00:41:45,840
What did I say?

873
00:41:47,040 --> 00:41:48,189
Hey! Where are you going?

874
00:41:48,960 --> 00:41:50,029
Oh, my God, you guys.

875
00:41:50,120 --> 00:41:52,190
- How'd it go?
- Oh, horrible.

876
00:41:52,360 --> 00:41:53,710
- What's the matter, hon?
- What happened?

877
00:41:53,720 --> 00:41:56,393
I suck at this.
I just wanna go home.

878
00:41:56,480 --> 00:41:57,480
Oh!

879
00:41:57,560 --> 00:41:59,200
- I really do.
- Amy!

880
00:41:59,280 --> 00:42:00,280
Mmm.

881
00:42:01,520 --> 00:42:03,476
Jessie! What are you
guys doing here?

882
00:42:03,560 --> 00:42:06,597
We're just, you know, having
a little girls' night.

883
00:42:06,680 --> 00:42:09,680
Cool, so the husband's at home
with the kids? That's nice.
884
00:42:09,800 --> 00:42:11,119
Oh, mmm...

885
00:42:11,920 --> 00:42:14,150
My husband's not really
in the picture anymore.

886
00:42:14,240 --> 00:42:16,629
Yeah, yeah, she caught him
jerking off with a dairy farmer.

887
00:42:16,760 --> 00:42:18,193
He's a sex criminal.

888
00:42:18,440 --> 00:42:21,273
I don't know where to start.
Are you okay?

889
00:42:21,360 --> 00:42:23,590
I'm actually really,
really good. Yeah.

890
00:42:23,680 --> 00:42:26,194
I'm glad I ran into you.
This is really nice.

891
00:42:26,320 --> 00:42:27,833
Yeah, me too.

892
00:42:27,920 --> 00:42:28,920
Me too.

893
00:42:29,240 --> 00:42:30,719
Okay, creepy.
Let's go.

894
00:42:30,760 --> 00:42:32,510
- Let's go, creepy.
- Yeah.

895
00:42:32,720 --> 00:42:33,720
Okay.

896
00:42:34,000 --> 00:42:35,069
Have fun.
897
00:42:36,160 --> 00:42:38,116
You are so hard.

898
00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:39,872
Really, he's got
a hard body.

899
00:42:40,800 --> 00:42:43,189
Thank you. I think.

900
00:42:43,280 --> 00:42:45,840
I cannot believe Amy is
talking to Jessie Harkness.

901
00:42:45,920 --> 00:42:47,592
I have dreams about
him braiding my hair.

902
00:42:47,720 --> 00:42:48,910
Okay, can you not
stand so close to me?

903
00:42:48,920 --> 00:42:50,070
Because I'm still
trying to get laid.

904
00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:51,433
Yeah, sure.
No problem. Okay.

905
00:42:51,560 --> 00:42:52,959
And don't dance walk.

906
00:42:58,520 --> 00:43:00,795
You work at the, uh,
coffee company, right?

907
00:43:02,120 --> 00:43:04,429
What? Yeah. Wait,
how did you know?

908
00:43:04,600 --> 00:43:06,390
I might have asked around
about you a little bit.

909
00:43:06,400 --> 00:43:10,030
- Wait. You asked about me?
- Yeah.

910
00:43:10,120 --> 00:43:11,189
Yeah, I...

911
00:43:12,080 --> 00:43:14,548
Okay, I've kind of always
had a thing for you and...

912
00:43:14,760 --> 00:43:16,670
- What?
- I thought you knew that.

913
00:43:16,760 --> 00:43:19,640
- No! I had no idea.
- No? You had no idea?

914
00:43:19,760 --> 00:43:22,228
Oh, come on. You're like my
favorite mom at the school.

915
00:43:22,320 --> 00:43:24,040
I mean, I honestly don't
know how you do it.

916
00:43:24,120 --> 00:43:25,872
You take your kids
to all those activities,

917
00:43:25,960 --> 00:43:27,400
and you do all
those insane projects.

918
00:43:27,480 --> 00:43:30,074
I saw your Richard Nixon, by the way.
That was incredible.

919
00:43:30,160 --> 00:43:32,958
Well, you know what? I do have a
little thing for papier-mâché.

920
00:43:33,040 --> 00:43:34,640
- It was really good.
- Thank you.

921
00:43:34,760 --> 00:43:36,560
Oh, and are you kidding me
with those lunches?

922
00:43:36,640 --> 00:43:38,030
You know, my daughter's
always saying,

923
00:43:38,040 --> 00:43:39,470
"Why can't you make lunch
like Dylan's mom?"

924
00:43:39,480 --> 00:43:41,038
Oh, my God,
I love your daughter.

925
00:43:41,160 --> 00:43:42,820
- You're making me look bad.
- Oh, my God.

926
00:43:42,840 --> 00:43:45,593
Oh, this makes me
so happy.

927
00:43:45,680 --> 00:43:47,830
You know what's just
really amazing, though,

928
00:43:47,920 --> 00:43:50,115
is the fact that your kids
are actually nice people.

929
00:43:50,280 --> 00:43:52,589
- Meh, eh...
- No, no, I'm serious!

930
00:43:52,680 --> 00:43:56,832
Anyone could force their kids
to play cello or speak Chinese

931
00:43:56,960 --> 00:43:59,320
or, you know, go to a fancy college,
or something like that,

932
00:43:59,400 --> 00:44:02,710
but what's really
hard is raising kids
933
00:44:02,800 --> 00:44:04,392
who are actually
decent and kind

934
00:44:04,480 --> 00:44:07,040
and somehow
you've done that.

935
00:44:07,560 --> 00:44:08,670
And you should
be really proud.

936
00:44:08,680 --> 00:44:10,318
You're a fuckin'
great mom.

937
00:44:13,560 --> 00:44:15,390
Oh, oh...

938
00:44:15,880 --> 00:44:18,030
- Oh, my.
- I'm so sorry.

939
00:44:18,160 --> 00:44:20,190
- It's fine. Don't worry about it.
- And I'm so embarrassed.

940
00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:24,352
You kind of nailed my face, but
we should probably do it again.

941
00:44:24,480 --> 00:44:26,600
- Are you sure?
- Just no sudden movements.

942
00:44:27,880 --> 00:44:29,199
Just nice and slow.

943
00:44:35,160 --> 00:44:37,040
- Carla. Carla!
- What, hon?

944
00:44:37,160 --> 00:44:38,190
Carla, look, look,
look, look!

945
00:44:38,200 --> 00:44:39,200
No, Kiki.

946
00:44:39,360 --> 00:44:40,873
No, Kiki!
Kiki, no, no.

947
00:45:15,600 --> 00:45:17,000
- Mike!
- Hey, babe!

948
00:45:17,080 --> 00:45:19,833
What are you doing?
I wanna get back together.

949
00:45:19,920 --> 00:45:23,071
I never should've left you.
That was a total dick move.

950
00:45:23,880 --> 00:45:27,350
And I feel like we should
just put that in the past

951
00:45:27,440 --> 00:45:28,759
and not talk about it.

952
00:45:29,440 --> 00:45:31,635
Wait, what are you
talking about?

953
00:45:31,720 --> 00:45:34,439
Look, I...

954
00:45:35,400 --> 00:45:36,833
I just needed a break.

955
00:45:36,960 --> 00:45:38,518
Haven't you ever
needed a break?

956
00:45:38,960 --> 00:45:41,030
Of course I have, Mike.

957
00:45:41,120 --> 00:45:43,395
But I didn't break up
our family to do it.
958
00:45:45,600 --> 00:45:46,749
I miss the kids.

959
00:45:47,640 --> 00:45:48,709
So much.

960
00:45:48,800 --> 00:45:51,360
Mostly Dylan, but even
Jane a little bit, too.

961
00:45:51,440 --> 00:45:53,874
And the dog,
God, I miss Roscoe so much.

962
00:45:53,960 --> 00:45:55,710
- How is he doing?
- He's fine.

963
00:45:55,800 --> 00:45:58,553
Thank God.
The bottom line is,

964
00:45:58,640 --> 00:46:01,393
I will do whatever it takes
to keep this family together.

965
00:46:02,400 --> 00:46:03,400
Really?

966
00:46:04,480 --> 00:46:05,920
You'll finally go
to therapy with me?

967
00:46:05,960 --> 00:46:08,870
I knew you were gonna say that!
Therapy is so dumb!

968
00:46:08,960 --> 00:46:10,473
Great. Get out!
Have fun. Bye-bye.

969
00:46:10,560 --> 00:46:11,630
Hey! I'm trying to
do the right thing!

970
00:46:11,640 --> 00:46:13,437
- Bye-bye, Mike.
- Honestly!

971
00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:14,669
All right, you know what?

972
00:46:14,760 --> 00:46:17,638
Even though it's a total waste of
time and money, I will go to therapy.

973
00:46:17,760 --> 00:46:21,992
But when I say go, I mean, like
actually go, like participate, cry.

974
00:46:22,120 --> 00:46:24,554
I haven't cried since the
Cubbies lost it all in '03.

975
00:46:24,640 --> 00:46:25,830
- How do you expect me...
- Mike, you know what?

976
00:46:25,840 --> 00:46:27,910
Have fun with your little weirdo
girlfriend on the Internet.

977
00:46:27,920 --> 00:46:30,480
But wait, are we gonna
go to therapy or what?

978
00:46:30,600 --> 00:46:31,669
I'll think about it.

979
00:46:43,920 --> 00:46:44,989
Hey.

980
00:46:49,520 --> 00:46:52,193
Honey? Honey,
are you okay?

981
00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:55,431
Coach says I'm not starting.
I'm a benchwarmer.

982
00:46:55,520 --> 00:46:57,715
Wait, what?
No, that's impossible.
983
00:46:57,800 --> 00:46:59,438
You're the best
forward on that team.

984
00:46:59,520 --> 00:47:01,750
Oh, my God, my life is ruined.
I'm never going to college.

985
00:47:01,760 --> 00:47:03,751
I might as well
just become a teacher.

986
00:47:03,880 --> 00:47:05,677
Baby, baby,
look at me for one second.

987
00:47:05,800 --> 00:47:08,189
You'll be okay. I promise
you I'm gonna handle this.

988
00:47:08,560 --> 00:47:09,960
- Okay?
- Okay.

989
00:47:10,040 --> 00:47:11,109
Okay.

990
00:47:11,200 --> 00:47:12,428
Just please
don't make a scene.

991
00:47:12,840 --> 00:47:15,035
Honey, I would
never embarrass you.

992
00:47:19,720 --> 00:47:21,070
Gwendolyn made me do it!

993
00:47:21,200 --> 00:47:22,350
Oh, my God.
Are you kidding me?

994
00:47:22,360 --> 00:47:24,396
What is it with
you moms?
995
00:47:24,480 --> 00:47:26,948
I am a middle school
soccer coach.

996
00:47:27,040 --> 00:47:28,553
All I wanna do

997
00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:32,639
is make enough money to feed my
cats and fill my fuckin' Prius.

998
00:47:32,720 --> 00:47:34,995
Grow some balls! Jesus!

999
00:47:35,840 --> 00:47:36,840
Hey!

1000
00:47:38,520 --> 00:47:39,720
How dare you
bench my daughter?

1001
00:47:39,880 --> 00:47:41,598
Oh, hi, Amy.

1002
00:47:41,680 --> 00:47:43,477
You have no right
to do that.

1003
00:47:43,960 --> 00:47:45,473
Oh, actually, I do,

1004
00:47:45,560 --> 00:47:48,438
uh, because soccer
is a PTA-sponsored activity

1005
00:47:48,520 --> 00:47:51,830
and I am the president
of the PTA. So...

1006
00:47:52,680 --> 00:47:55,114
Oh... Okay.

1007
00:47:55,480 --> 00:47:56,629
Uh...

1008
00:47:57,680 --> 00:47:58,954
Well, um...

1009
00:48:01,000 --> 00:48:02,149
Not for long.

1010
00:48:02,240 --> 00:48:04,595
Oh, dear.
What does that mean?

1011
00:48:04,680 --> 00:48:07,274
That means I'm gonna run
against you for PTA president.

1012
00:48:07,360 --> 00:48:08,998
Oh.

1013
00:48:11,440 --> 00:48:13,670
Amy's husband
just recently left her,

1014
00:48:14,520 --> 00:48:17,273
so she's kind of having
a mental breakdown right now.

1015
00:48:17,440 --> 00:48:19,237
Oh, that's so sad.

1016
00:48:19,880 --> 00:48:20,880
Ooh.

1017
00:48:24,600 --> 00:48:26,511
You're goin' down.

1018
00:48:26,600 --> 00:48:27,669
No, honey,

1019
00:48:28,080 --> 00:48:31,356
the only thing going down is
your husband on another woman.

1020
00:48:31,720 --> 00:48:32,948
Well, damn.

1021
00:48:35,520 --> 00:48:37,397
This is
a terrible idea, Amy.

1022
00:48:37,840 --> 00:48:39,558
There's no way
you can beat her.

1023
00:48:39,640 --> 00:48:42,359
Gwendolyn has been president of
the PTA for the last six years.

1024
00:48:42,480 --> 00:48:46,712
Kiki, she messed with my kid. I
can't let that stand. Come on!

1025
00:48:47,360 --> 00:48:49,032
Right, but all
the different mom groups

1026
00:48:49,120 --> 00:48:50,240
are gonna vote
for Gwendolyn.

1027
00:48:50,280 --> 00:48:53,238
She's got the attachment moms,
she's got the tiger moms,

1028
00:48:53,320 --> 00:48:54,389
the sad moms.

1029
00:48:54,480 --> 00:48:56,391
She has the blogging moms.

1030
00:48:56,480 --> 00:48:57,629
She's got the CrossFit moms.

1031
00:48:57,720 --> 00:48:58,720
Camel toe moms.

1032
00:48:59,160 --> 00:49:00,388
She's got the drunk moms.

1033
00:49:00,480 --> 00:49:01,708
The moms
that you wanna fuck.

1034
00:49:01,800 --> 00:49:03,313
The moms that
used to be dads.

1035
00:49:03,440 --> 00:49:05,715
She has the moms that
always have a limb broken.

1036
00:49:05,800 --> 00:49:08,100
- The hairy moms.
- The wearable art moms.

1037
00:49:08,200 --> 00:49:09,713
- The juicing moms.
- Mmm-hmm.

1038
00:49:09,840 --> 00:49:11,990
She has the moms
with the huge areolas.

1039
00:49:12,080 --> 00:49:15,516
The black moms, the lesbian moms,
the divorced moms.

1040
00:49:15,640 --> 00:49:18,029
She even has the divorced
black lesbian moms.

1041
00:49:18,120 --> 00:49:19,758
That is a really
hard group to get.

1042
00:49:19,840 --> 00:49:21,159
I love those girls.

1043
00:49:21,240 --> 00:49:25,472
Plus, Amy, if you lose,
she'll destroy you.

1044
00:49:25,600 --> 00:49:28,672
She'll put your kids in all the
dumb classes with all the dum-dums.

1045
00:49:28,800 --> 00:49:30,110
She'll give 'em
the crappy teachers.

1046
00:49:30,120 --> 00:49:32,759
You can forget about soccer,
she won't even give your kids milk.

1047
00:49:32,840 --> 00:49:36,435
But that's all the more reason
we have to bring her down.

1048
00:49:36,520 --> 00:49:38,476
I mean,
you guys, she's a bully!

1049
00:49:38,560 --> 00:49:41,438
Okay, she wants us all to be
these perfect little Nazi-moms

1050
00:49:41,520 --> 00:49:44,671
and our kids to be hyper-stressed
and over-scheduled.

1051
00:49:44,760 --> 00:49:48,673
My daughter gets a new rash
every week, and she's 12.

1052
00:49:48,760 --> 00:49:50,034
You had me at Nazi.

1053
00:49:50,520 --> 00:49:54,274
I say we go punch that
chick right in the tits.

1054
00:49:54,360 --> 00:49:55,588
Yes!

1055
00:49:58,720 --> 00:50:01,188
Would you like a new
PTA president? Me too!

1056
00:50:01,320 --> 00:50:03,550
Hi. Meet the Candidate Night
tomorrow night, 7:30.

1057
00:50:03,680 --> 00:50:06,035
Here, honey. Take one.
Vote for Amy. Really?

1058
00:50:06,160 --> 00:50:07,479
Amy Mitchell.
PTA president.

1059
00:50:07,560 --> 00:50:09,869
Come tomorrow, 7:30,
Meet the Candidate Night.

1060
00:50:10,000 --> 00:50:11,000
PTA president.

1061
00:50:11,120 --> 00:50:13,031
- No! No, thank you!
- Take it!

1062
00:50:13,200 --> 00:50:15,030
- Okay!
- Great!

1063
00:50:17,520 --> 00:50:20,034
I'll fuck your husband if you don't go.
I'll fuck him!

1064
00:50:20,160 --> 00:50:21,229
Vote for Amy!

1065
00:50:21,320 --> 00:50:22,389
Carla, get her!

1066
00:50:23,280 --> 00:50:24,998
Hey! Hey!

1067
00:50:25,080 --> 00:50:27,310
Don't you fuckin' run from me!
Don't you fuckin'...

1068
00:50:27,480 --> 00:50:28,674
Ah!

1069
00:50:32,600 --> 00:50:33,874
It's so cute.

1070
00:50:36,000 --> 00:50:37,390
So, how many people
do you think are coming

1071
00:50:37,400 --> 00:50:38,674
to the Meet
the Candidate Night?

1072
00:50:38,760 --> 00:50:40,478
Well, I told all the
moms that I would

1073
00:50:40,560 --> 00:50:42,835
bang their husbands if
they didn't show up, so...

1074
00:50:43,000 --> 00:50:45,070
- Carla.
- A lot. My answer is a lot.

1075
00:50:45,400 --> 00:50:46,594
Thank you, Kiki.

1076
00:50:48,640 --> 00:50:50,676
Oh, Jesus, you guys,
look at the kids.

1077
00:50:50,760 --> 00:50:52,671
My daughter
won't stop studying.

1078
00:50:52,760 --> 00:50:53,760
Oh, feel lucky.

1079
00:50:54,160 --> 00:50:56,879
All my kid wants to do with
books is rip 'em in half.

1080
00:50:59,000 --> 00:51:01,036
I just wish I knew
how I was doing, you know?

1081
00:51:01,600 --> 00:51:03,875
Yeah, that's the worst part
about being a mom, though,

1082
00:51:03,960 --> 00:51:06,793
is you don't know whether or
not you're doing a good job

1083
00:51:06,880 --> 00:51:08,199
until they're fully grown.
1084
00:51:08,280 --> 00:51:10,111
And by that point,
it's too late.

1085
00:51:10,240 --> 00:51:12,151
Your kid
is either a nice guy

1086
00:51:12,240 --> 00:51:14,595
or he's giving hand
jobs in an alley for rent.

1087
00:51:14,720 --> 00:51:16,480
I don't think those
are the only two options.

1088
00:51:20,040 --> 00:51:22,349
Yesterday, I gave
Bernard the wrong juice box

1089
00:51:22,440 --> 00:51:24,874
and he called me
a dumb bitch.

1090
00:51:24,960 --> 00:51:26,560
- Oh, my God.
- Okay.

1091
00:51:26,640 --> 00:51:30,474
My kid still watches Sesame
Street and he doesn't get it.

1092
00:51:32,600 --> 00:51:34,431
My daughter's
scared of balloons.

1093
00:51:34,960 --> 00:51:36,473
My kid eats
butter like an entrée.

1094
00:51:36,600 --> 00:51:38,238
You gonna eat
your butter?

1095
00:51:38,320 --> 00:51:40,120
My daughter stole money
from a homeless woman.
1096
00:51:41,280 --> 00:51:42,872
My son failed study hall.

1097
00:51:42,960 --> 00:51:44,791
Claire killed
our neighbor's ferret.

1098
00:51:44,880 --> 00:51:48,077
I mean, we all pretended like it
was an accident, but it wasn't.

1099
00:51:49,160 --> 00:51:50,479
She's a killer.

1100
00:51:53,480 --> 00:51:54,480
Ugh.

1101
00:51:56,120 --> 00:51:59,556
I know we make fun of them, but
fuck, I love them so much.

1102
00:51:59,640 --> 00:52:00,640
Me too.

1103
00:52:01,000 --> 00:52:03,309
I would literally
die for them right now.

1104
00:52:03,440 --> 00:52:04,953
Oh, you're making me cry.

1105
00:52:05,040 --> 00:52:07,156
I'm already there.
I mean, oh, my God,

1106
00:52:07,320 --> 00:52:09,390
you guys,
children are such a gift.

1107
00:52:09,520 --> 00:52:11,033
Every time I think
about that big,

1108
00:52:11,120 --> 00:52:13,031
dumb motherfucker
going off to college,

1109
00:52:13,120 --> 00:52:14,519
I wanna cry like a baby.

1110
00:52:25,360 --> 00:52:26,429
This sucks.

1111
00:52:26,520 --> 00:52:27,960
I can't believe
you're making me cook

1112
00:52:28,040 --> 00:52:29,917
my own breakfast
every single day.

1113
00:52:30,400 --> 00:52:33,119
You're doing awesome, buddy.
You really are.

1114
00:52:33,360 --> 00:52:35,157
Hey, so where's
my science project?

1115
00:52:35,600 --> 00:52:37,113
Oh, I didn't do it.

1116
00:52:37,200 --> 00:52:38,519
What? But it's due today.

1117
00:52:38,600 --> 00:52:40,510
- Yeah. Yeah.
- That's so unfair!

1118
00:52:40,640 --> 00:52:42,358
I know. I know.
I'm so sorry.

1119
00:52:42,480 --> 00:52:43,990
But you're gonna
actually have to start

1120
00:52:44,000 --> 00:52:45,479
doing your own
homework from now on.

1121
00:52:46,520 --> 00:52:48,636
I am a slow learner,
remember?

1122
00:52:48,720 --> 00:52:51,996
You're not a slow learner.
You're just entitled.

1123
00:52:53,480 --> 00:52:55,080
Honey, do you know
what "entitled" means?

1124
00:52:55,760 --> 00:52:57,796
No. Because
I'm a slow learner.

1125
00:52:58,760 --> 00:53:03,117
It means that Mommy and Daddy
have been spoiling you,

1126
00:53:03,240 --> 00:53:06,152
and now you think the
world owes you something,

1127
00:53:06,240 --> 00:53:08,071
but it doesn't.

1128
00:53:08,160 --> 00:53:10,310
And if you don't learn
how to work hard now,

1129
00:53:10,400 --> 00:53:13,676
then you're just gonna grow up to
be like another entitled white dude

1130
00:53:13,760 --> 00:53:16,115
who thinks he's awesome
for no reason.

1131
00:53:16,200 --> 00:53:18,156
And then you'll start
a ska band,

1132
00:53:18,240 --> 00:53:21,516
and it'll be awful, and
you'll be mean to girls,

1133
00:53:21,600 --> 00:53:25,195
and you'll grow this ironic
mustache to look interesting,

1134
00:53:25,280 --> 00:53:28,317
but you won't actually be interesting,
and I'm not okay with that.

1135
00:53:28,400 --> 00:53:32,712
So will you please, please,
just do your own homework?

1136
00:53:34,160 --> 00:53:35,832
Fine. Jesus!

1137
00:53:35,920 --> 00:53:36,989
Great.

1138
00:53:41,680 --> 00:53:42,999
I love you.

1139
00:53:47,040 --> 00:53:48,519
So where are
your kids tonight?

1140
00:53:48,600 --> 00:53:50,110
Oh, they're staying
at a friend's house.

1141
00:53:50,120 --> 00:53:51,872
I gave my kid $10
and a cell phone

1142
00:53:51,960 --> 00:53:53,200
and I dropped
him off at Arby's.

1143
00:53:53,240 --> 00:53:54,753
He'll be fine
for hours.

1144
00:53:56,720 --> 00:53:57,755
Somebody's here.

1145
00:53:57,880 --> 00:53:59,074
- Amy for president!
- Yes!
1146
00:54:01,320 --> 00:54:03,311
Hi. Nice to meet you.

1147
00:54:03,560 --> 00:54:06,597
Thank you
so much for coming.

1148
00:54:06,720 --> 00:54:09,632
I didn't want her
to bang my husband.

1149
00:54:10,600 --> 00:54:12,033
No, she was
just kidding.

1150
00:54:12,240 --> 00:54:13,240
Oh.

1151
00:54:13,320 --> 00:54:14,958
I wasn't kidding.

1152
00:54:15,960 --> 00:54:16,960
Ugh.

1153
00:54:17,640 --> 00:54:19,631
Come in, come in. I'm
sorry, nobody's here yet.

1154
00:54:19,920 --> 00:54:23,117
Yeah, well, I figured, what with
Gwendolyn's party and everything.

1155
00:54:24,360 --> 00:54:26,316
I'm sorry,
what did you say?

1156
00:54:26,880 --> 00:54:28,791
Oh, nuts.

1157
00:54:29,080 --> 00:54:30,229
You didn't know.

1158
00:54:30,320 --> 00:54:34,074
Gwendolyn decided to throw a
competing party at her house.
1159
00:54:34,160 --> 00:54:36,628
And she has Martha Stewart.

1160
00:54:37,920 --> 00:54:40,150
How would you like to try
these special meatballs?

1161
00:54:40,240 --> 00:54:41,990
Now, I don't have anything
nice to say to anyone,

1162
00:54:42,000 --> 00:54:43,560
but I have to tell you,
I just love you.

1163
00:54:43,640 --> 00:54:46,074
I've always wanted
to be you, actually.

1164
00:54:46,160 --> 00:54:47,195
- Yes.
- Oh.

1165
00:54:47,600 --> 00:54:48,920
- Martha, sweetheart.
- Hi, hi.

1166
00:54:49,000 --> 00:54:52,072
Everything
looks so beautiful.

1167
00:54:52,160 --> 00:54:54,754
Well, thank you so much,
and how's Blaire and Gandhi?

1168
00:54:54,840 --> 00:54:57,400
It's been nice talking to you,
Martha, but I have things to do.

1169
00:54:57,520 --> 00:54:58,670
- Stop talking to her.
- Okay.

1170
00:54:58,680 --> 00:55:01,353
Um, ladies? Hi, can I get
your attention, please?
1171
00:55:01,440 --> 00:55:03,749
- Eyes here so I know you're hearing me.
- Shh.

1172
00:55:03,840 --> 00:55:06,479
Listen, the program is gonna
begin in about five minutes,

1173
00:55:06,560 --> 00:55:08,596
so take your
assigned seats, okay?

1174
00:55:09,360 --> 00:55:10,713
Right now. Do it right now.

1175
00:55:11,160 --> 00:55:12,832
I can't believe
Gwendolyn would do this.

1176
00:55:12,960 --> 00:55:14,473
I'm so sorry, sweetie.

1177
00:55:16,480 --> 00:55:19,313
You guys, what are we gonna
do with all this shitty wine?

1178
00:55:19,680 --> 00:55:21,750
For the next two hours,
I'm gonna talk to you guys

1179
00:55:21,880 --> 00:55:24,314
about the advantages
of year-round school.

1180
00:55:25,240 --> 00:55:28,949
We need to change
our children's future

1181
00:55:29,040 --> 00:55:33,511
by making them go to
school 365 days a year.

1182
00:55:35,360 --> 00:55:36,634
Three, two, one, go!

1183
00:55:36,720 --> 00:55:37,789
Catfish!

1184
00:55:37,880 --> 00:55:38,880
Did she say it?

1185
00:55:38,960 --> 00:55:40,030
Drink again!
Drink again, drink again!

1186
00:55:40,040 --> 00:55:41,550
Why am I the one
that's always drinking?

1187
00:55:41,560 --> 00:55:43,118
Because you
said the clue word.

1188
00:55:43,200 --> 00:55:44,394
That's when
you say it.

1189
00:55:44,520 --> 00:55:45,640
I don't understand
this game.

1190
00:55:45,720 --> 00:55:47,551
It's not a reading game!

1191
00:55:47,680 --> 00:55:48,715
Okay, go.

1192
00:55:48,800 --> 00:55:50,472
- Amy.
- What?

1193
00:55:50,560 --> 00:55:52,710
- Emu!
- No, Amy!

1194
00:55:54,000 --> 00:55:55,479
It said fuckin' "emu"!

1195
00:55:55,880 --> 00:55:57,552
You're not good at this.

1196
00:55:57,640 --> 00:55:59,835
Drink!
Drink again!

1197
00:56:00,560 --> 00:56:02,915
I'm gonna take you
back a little bit.

1198
00:56:03,720 --> 00:56:04,994
Genghis Khan.

1199
00:56:05,080 --> 00:56:06,957
Do you think he had
year-round schooling?

1200
00:56:07,560 --> 00:56:08,993
I think not.

1201
00:56:09,080 --> 00:56:10,832
Skip forward a little bit.

1202
00:56:10,920 --> 00:56:12,478
Osama bin Laden.

1203
00:56:13,040 --> 00:56:15,200
He didn't have year-round school.

1204
00:56:15,600 --> 00:56:17,397
There's nothing more dangerous

1205
00:56:17,480 --> 00:56:19,550
than summer vacation.

1206
00:56:20,800 --> 00:56:22,640
- Okay, ladies?
- Yeah, let's go.

1207
00:56:25,360 --> 00:56:28,352
Hi, I'm Amy, nice to see you.
Come in, come in, come in.

1208
00:56:28,920 --> 00:56:30,558
Wow, there's
a lot of you.

1209
00:56:31,320 --> 00:56:32,320
Ooh.

1210
00:56:37,440 --> 00:56:38,750
Are you sure you can't
stay a little bit longer?

1211
00:56:38,752 --> 00:56:40,432
- I've only got my sitter until 9:00.
- Oh.

1212
00:56:40,440 --> 00:56:42,110
So I have to
skedaddle right now.

1213
00:56:42,200 --> 00:56:43,700
- No, I understand. I'm a mom.
- Okay.

1214
00:56:44,200 --> 00:56:45,400
I had such a great night.
Bye!

1215
00:56:45,410 --> 00:56:46,660
We'll see you
over there.

1216
00:56:46,880 --> 00:56:49,269
Well, that ended a lot
earlier than I anticipated.

1217
00:56:49,360 --> 00:56:50,360
Yeah.

1218
00:56:51,600 --> 00:56:52,630
You don't think
they're all going over

1219
00:56:52,640 --> 00:56:54,756
to Amy's party, do you?

1220
00:56:54,840 --> 00:56:57,434
Vicky, we had Martha fuckin'
Stewart here tonight.

1221
00:56:57,520 --> 00:56:58,999
Who does Amy
have, hmm?
1222
00:57:01,960 --> 00:57:03,560
I'll drive. She could
have a point, yeah.

1223
00:57:05,960 --> 00:57:07,393
This party is raging.

1224
00:57:07,480 --> 00:57:08,595
What a turnout.

1225
00:57:08,960 --> 00:57:11,474
Hi, would you ladies
like a Jell-O shot?

1226
00:57:11,560 --> 00:57:14,120
Is that...
Is that...

1227
00:57:14,240 --> 00:57:15,639
Martha Stewart?

1228
00:57:15,760 --> 00:57:17,159
- Thank you.
- Martha.

1229
00:57:17,560 --> 00:57:18,879
- Oh, my God.
- Good, right?

1230
00:57:18,960 --> 00:57:20,393
I'm cumming.

1231
00:57:20,480 --> 00:57:22,710
- Oh, my God.
- What's in this?

1232
00:57:22,800 --> 00:57:25,553
Well, it's bespoke
lingonberry gelatin...

1233
00:57:25,640 --> 00:57:27,631
- Mmm.
- ...and a shitload of vodka.

1234
00:57:29,160 --> 00:57:30,309
They're delicious.

1235
00:57:30,400 --> 00:57:32,595
I start my day
with six of these.

1236
00:57:35,480 --> 00:57:37,471
Drink! Drink!

1237
00:57:37,640 --> 00:57:40,279
Drink! Drink! Drink!

1238
00:58:09,440 --> 00:58:10,668
Whoo!

1239
00:58:39,240 --> 00:58:40,240
Whoo!

1240
00:59:14,440 --> 00:59:16,078
Holy shit.

1241
00:59:21,080 --> 00:59:24,197
Is that Jennifer Noonan
peeing behind that car?

1242
00:59:24,280 --> 00:59:25,508
Oh, my goodness.

1243
00:59:25,600 --> 00:59:27,750
This party
looks awesome!

1244
00:59:28,320 --> 00:59:29,435
I need to go
to this party.

1245
00:59:29,520 --> 00:59:30,635
- What? Vicky!
- Whoo!

1246
00:59:31,400 --> 00:59:33,675
Please, shut up!
Just shut up for one second.

1247
00:59:33,760 --> 00:59:37,275
I know it's a school night, so we're
just gonna get right down to it.

1248
00:59:37,400 --> 00:59:41,951
I wanna introduce you
to your next PTA president...

1249
00:59:43,640 --> 00:59:45,949
Amy Mitchell!

1250
00:59:49,480 --> 00:59:50,959
Yes!

1251
00:59:54,840 --> 00:59:56,240
First of all,
I just wanna say this,

1252
00:59:56,320 --> 01:00:00,791
that I think that we, as moms,
do way too much stuff.

1253
01:00:01,320 --> 01:00:06,633
And if I'm elected, I promise
you we are gonna do way less.

1254
01:00:06,880 --> 01:00:07,880
Whoo!

1255
01:00:08,000 --> 01:00:12,278
Right? Less PTA meetings,
less luncheons, less fuckin' bake sales,

1256
01:00:12,360 --> 01:00:14,430
just less bullshit!

1257
01:00:17,160 --> 01:00:18,275
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

1258
01:00:18,360 --> 01:00:20,270
And I think that our kids
need a break, too, you guys.

1259
01:00:20,280 --> 01:00:23,670
Come on, now, school starts
way too fucking early, okay?

1260
01:00:23,760 --> 01:00:25,360
God, and they have
way too much homework.

1261
01:00:25,400 --> 01:00:26,470
I mean, our kids
don't even have time

1262
01:00:26,480 --> 01:00:27,959
to be kids anymore,
am I right?

1263
01:00:30,320 --> 01:00:32,675
And what is up with these five
standardized tests a week?

1264
01:00:32,800 --> 01:00:35,917
We should not be teaching our
kids how to be good test-takers.

1265
01:00:36,000 --> 01:00:38,719
We should be teaching them
how to be good people!

1266
01:00:40,520 --> 01:00:42,590
What is
a standardized test?

1267
01:00:42,680 --> 01:00:46,275
So, if you're a mom who's
overworked, overstressed,

1268
01:00:46,360 --> 01:00:50,194
or if you're just a mom
who wants to do less...

1269
01:00:50,520 --> 01:00:51,669
Yes!

1270
01:00:52,440 --> 01:00:53,953
Then just vote for me.

1271
01:01:00,520 --> 01:01:03,910
Amy! Amy! Amy! Amy! Amy!

1272
01:01:04,040 --> 01:01:05,632
This basic bitch
right here,
1273
01:01:05,720 --> 01:01:07,073
she's gonna win
the election.

1274
01:01:07,720 --> 01:01:09,199
No, she's not.

1275
01:01:09,320 --> 01:01:11,834
Because I'm going to
hit her where it counts.

1276
01:01:12,640 --> 01:01:14,551
You're gonna punch her
in the vagina?

1277
01:01:14,640 --> 01:01:17,473
I literally don't know why we
hang out with you anymore.

1278
01:01:27,360 --> 01:01:29,874
Do you know the best thing
about mom parties?

1279
01:01:29,960 --> 01:01:32,394
They end at exactly
11:00.

1280
01:01:33,800 --> 01:01:36,234
I made out with
so many women tonight.

1281
01:01:36,480 --> 01:01:38,516
- I know.
- Guys...

1282
01:01:39,320 --> 01:01:41,550
I really
like whippets.

1283
01:01:42,760 --> 01:01:43,909
Hello?

1284
01:01:46,440 --> 01:01:48,078
Wow. Hey.

1285
01:01:49,320 --> 01:01:50,833
What are you doing here?

1286
01:01:52,400 --> 01:01:55,312
Well, you kind of
booty texted me.

1287
01:01:55,720 --> 01:01:56,720
Uh...

1288
01:01:57,240 --> 01:02:00,357
What? It was a great party, Am.
So, uh...

1289
01:02:00,760 --> 01:02:02,079
Okay.
You got all this, right?

1290
01:02:02,160 --> 01:02:04,071
Hi, Jessie.
I really like your clothes.

1291
01:02:05,240 --> 01:02:06,434
That was odd.

1292
01:02:06,880 --> 01:02:08,280
I'm so sorry.

1293
01:02:09,560 --> 01:02:10,560
Um...

1294
01:02:11,560 --> 01:02:15,872
I actually think Carla may have
booty texted you off my phone.

1295
01:02:16,040 --> 01:02:18,315
Oh, okay.
Okay, that makes sense

1296
01:02:18,400 --> 01:02:21,517
because what she wrote
was fuckin' disturbing.

1297
01:02:21,600 --> 01:02:23,510
- Sorry.
- It's okay.
1298
01:02:24,280 --> 01:02:25,952
Um, I don't know.

1299
01:02:27,280 --> 01:02:28,429
Should I leave?

1300
01:02:30,720 --> 01:02:31,869
No.

1301
01:02:35,760 --> 01:02:36,988
Uh...

1302
01:02:37,480 --> 01:02:39,516
I was really
hoping you'd say that.

1303
01:02:48,800 --> 01:02:51,712
So what exactly
did Carla text you?

1304
01:02:53,920 --> 01:02:55,148
Why don't I show you?

1305
01:02:55,400 --> 01:02:56,628
Oh.

1306
01:02:57,400 --> 01:02:58,435
Okay.

1307
01:03:06,040 --> 01:03:07,553
Oh, yes!

1308
01:03:16,000 --> 01:03:18,673
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

1309
01:03:19,640 --> 01:03:20,993
Oh, that was...

1310
01:03:21,120 --> 01:03:22,838
Unbelievable.
I can't...

1311
01:03:24,600 --> 01:03:25,750
- What was that...
- Wow.

1312
01:03:25,840 --> 01:03:27,273
That thing you did
at the end?

1313
01:03:27,440 --> 01:03:29,192
I don't know.

1314
01:03:29,280 --> 01:03:31,430
I kind of came up
with it in the moment.

1315
01:03:31,520 --> 01:03:32,555
Was it okay?

1316
01:03:32,680 --> 01:03:34,352
- Oh, my God, it was amazing!
- Yeah?

1317
01:03:34,480 --> 01:03:36,914
- That was by far the best I've ever had.
- Oh, God.

1318
01:03:37,040 --> 01:03:38,439
Oh, I was so worried.

1319
01:03:38,520 --> 01:03:40,400
You know, it's been awhile
since I've done this.

1320
01:03:40,680 --> 01:03:42,590
I think I got pregnant.

1321
01:03:42,680 --> 01:03:45,240
Oh, my God.
Really. Hey.

1322
01:03:45,360 --> 01:03:48,238
Hi, yeah. Can I go down
on you again?

1323
01:03:48,520 --> 01:03:50,470
Oh, yeah,
that'd be great.

1324
01:03:50,520 --> 01:03:51,630
- Cool.
- Okay.

1325
01:03:51,720 --> 01:03:53,220
Okay.
Okay.

1326
01:03:53,230 --> 01:03:54,630
- Oh, my God.
- Okay.

1327
01:03:54,640 --> 01:03:55,790
All right.

1328
01:03:55,800 --> 01:03:56,900
- Oh.
- Mmm.

1329
01:03:57,200 --> 01:03:59,031
Oh.

1330
01:03:59,120 --> 01:04:00,872
Oh, look at you go.

1331
01:04:05,560 --> 01:04:07,039
God,
it's dark in here.

1332
01:04:09,720 --> 01:04:12,553
God. I still don't
understand what we're doing.

1333
01:04:12,640 --> 01:04:15,234
Stop it. You guys never
tell me what we're...

1334
01:04:20,840 --> 01:04:22,910
Vicky, why are
you so fuckin' stupid?

1335
01:04:26,160 --> 01:04:30,915
I like to start by saying that
every marriage is savable.

1336
01:04:31,040 --> 01:04:33,349
You just need two people who
are willing to work at it.

1337
01:04:33,760 --> 01:04:34,760
Okay?

1338
01:04:35,200 --> 01:04:38,078
Mike, Amy, I want you
to look at each other

1339
01:04:38,160 --> 01:04:41,914
and say three things that
you like about each other.

1340
01:04:43,960 --> 01:04:45,029
Mike?

1341
01:04:45,120 --> 01:04:48,020
- Can I go second?
- Okay. Yeah, sure.

1342
01:04:48,280 --> 01:04:49,918
Uh, Amy?

1343
01:04:50,240 --> 01:04:54,756
Okay, uh, Mike, I like that
you gave me my children.

1344
01:04:55,200 --> 01:04:57,668
Uh, I like that you pick them
up from school sometimes.

1345
01:04:57,760 --> 01:05:00,115
It's actually
really helpful.

1346
01:05:00,640 --> 01:05:04,713
And, uh, I like that you
came to therapy today.

1347
01:05:05,320 --> 01:05:07,436
- Okay, Mike. Your turn.
- Okay.

1348
01:05:07,920 --> 01:05:10,388
I like your spaghetti.

1349
01:05:11,800 --> 01:05:13,836
And you make
pretty good calzone.

1350
01:05:15,960 --> 01:05:16,960
Was that three?

1351
01:05:17,280 --> 01:05:20,909
That was like one
and then 1A.

1352
01:05:22,160 --> 01:05:25,789
You know what? Um...
Let's try some role playing.

1353
01:05:26,560 --> 01:05:28,915
All right, Amy, I want you
to pretend to be Mike,

1354
01:05:29,560 --> 01:05:32,711
and Mike, I want you
to pretend to be Amy.

1355
01:05:33,280 --> 01:05:35,236
Okay? And now
I just want you to

1356
01:05:35,320 --> 01:05:37,675
just tell me
about your day.

1357
01:05:39,800 --> 01:05:41,199
Hi, I'm Amy.

1358
01:05:41,800 --> 01:05:45,793
All I did today was, like,
rub lotion on my face

1359
01:05:46,160 --> 01:05:49,391
and talk, talk, talk, talk.

1360
01:05:49,480 --> 01:05:50,595
Okay. Uh...

1361
01:05:51,480 --> 01:05:53,580
- Amy, would you like to...
- Yes, I would!
1362
01:05:56,120 --> 01:05:57,872
Hey, I'm Mike.

1363
01:05:58,320 --> 01:05:59,320
Um...

1364
01:05:59,440 --> 01:06:00,873
My life is awesome

1365
01:06:00,960 --> 01:06:04,157
because my wife takes care of
everything in the world for me.

1366
01:06:04,280 --> 01:06:06,270
This is the problem!
Here's the bottom line!

1367
01:06:06,360 --> 01:06:07,918
She's a perfectionist.

1368
01:06:08,000 --> 01:06:09,270
So what's the point
of even trying, okay?

1369
01:06:09,280 --> 01:06:10,315
How is that a problem?

1370
01:06:10,400 --> 01:06:11,913
And she hasn't
given me a blowie

1371
01:06:12,000 --> 01:06:13,592
since my birthday
five years ago!

1372
01:06:13,680 --> 01:06:15,550
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Which is so not cool!

1373
01:06:15,560 --> 01:06:16,788
Hold on one second!

1374
01:06:16,880 --> 01:06:18,154
You want a blowie?
1375
01:06:18,240 --> 01:06:21,277
Maybe if you cleaned the kitchen,
made the kids dinner,

1376
01:06:21,360 --> 01:06:23,749
cared for someone
other than yourself,

1377
01:06:23,840 --> 01:06:25,030
I would give you
so many blowies

1378
01:06:25,040 --> 01:06:26,439
your fuckin'
dick would explode.

1379
01:06:26,520 --> 01:06:28,670
My dick would never explode
'cause it's indestructible.

1380
01:06:28,680 --> 01:06:31,558
Oh, my God, I can't deal with you!
I can't fucking look at you.

1381
01:06:31,640 --> 01:06:32,640
I'm...

1382
01:06:33,520 --> 01:06:34,873
Mike, I...

1383
01:06:34,960 --> 01:06:36,439
I don't love you anymore.

1384
01:06:36,520 --> 01:06:39,034
I'm so sorry,
but I just don't.

1385
01:06:39,160 --> 01:06:41,674
I'm so sick and tired
of pretending like I do.

1386
01:06:42,920 --> 01:06:46,549
That is exactly how I feel.

1387
01:06:52,360 --> 01:06:53,360
Okay...
1388
01:06:54,200 --> 01:06:58,239
Remember when I said that
all marriages are savable?

1389
01:07:00,360 --> 01:07:02,316
Well, it ain't gonna
happen for you guys.

1390
01:07:03,720 --> 01:07:05,392
So what do you
think we should do?

1391
01:07:05,760 --> 01:07:09,230
Well, as a therapist, I'm not
allowed to tell you what to do,

1392
01:07:09,360 --> 01:07:13,672
but as a human being with two
fuckin' eyes in my head,

1393
01:07:13,800 --> 01:07:17,918
yeah, I think you should get
divorced as soon as possible.

1394
01:07:18,760 --> 01:07:20,512
This is some
catastrophic shit.

1395
01:07:44,120 --> 01:07:45,633
I think it's for
the best.

1396
01:07:46,400 --> 01:07:47,594
Yeah. Me too.

1397
01:07:51,280 --> 01:07:52,429
Can I give you a hug?

1398
01:07:56,600 --> 01:07:59,797
Mike. I'm so sorry.

1399
01:08:02,520 --> 01:08:03,794
I'm sorry, too.

1400
01:08:04,320 --> 01:08:05,320
Mmm.

1401
01:08:10,280 --> 01:08:11,310
You gotta watch
out for you first.

1402
01:08:11,320 --> 01:08:14,278
Dale, why is there a
security guard in my office?

1403
01:08:14,440 --> 01:08:15,839
Hey, Amy, uh,
I'm so sorry,

1404
01:08:15,920 --> 01:08:18,480
but we're gonna have to
positively transition you.

1405
01:08:18,560 --> 01:08:20,039
Are you firing me?

1406
01:08:20,120 --> 01:08:23,192
Yuck. Okay, that's not my word.
I don't like that word.

1407
01:08:23,320 --> 01:08:24,320
But, yes,
I'm firing you.

1408
01:08:24,440 --> 01:08:25,440
Why?

1409
01:08:25,520 --> 01:08:27,272
Well, you quit
coming to the office.

1410
01:08:27,360 --> 01:08:30,477
Okay, maybe I've been slacking
off a little bit, but...

1411
01:08:31,400 --> 01:08:34,312
Tessa took two weeks off when Jon
Snow died on Game of Thrones,

1412
01:08:34,400 --> 01:08:35,510
and he's not
even a real person.
1413
01:08:35,520 --> 01:08:38,114
To be fair, we all took two
weeks off when Jon Snow died.

1414
01:08:38,200 --> 01:08:40,320
You're the only person that
didn't take two weeks off.

1415
01:08:41,000 --> 01:08:42,194
But as a token
of appreciation

1416
01:08:42,280 --> 01:08:43,680
for your six years
with the company,

1417
01:08:43,720 --> 01:08:45,597
I got you
a very special gift.

1418
01:08:48,840 --> 01:08:50,193
You got me
the four-ounce bag?

1419
01:08:50,280 --> 01:08:51,952
Couldn't even
splurge for the eight?

1420
01:09:03,400 --> 01:09:04,400
What?

1421
01:09:04,520 --> 01:09:07,318
Ms. Mitchell, this is
Principal Burr. We need you to come in.

1422
01:09:07,400 --> 01:09:09,311
Okay, okay.
I'll be right there,

1423
01:09:09,400 --> 01:09:12,153
and I'm very sorry, Principal,
for how I answered the phone.

1424
01:09:15,360 --> 01:09:16,998
I'm sorry.
You found what?
1425
01:09:17,080 --> 01:09:20,277
I found marijuana cigarettes
in your daughter's locker.

1426
01:09:20,360 --> 01:09:22,999
Now, it looks like Sour Diesel
or a little Afghan Kush.

1427
01:09:23,080 --> 01:09:25,230
That's impossible.
She's only 12.

1428
01:09:25,360 --> 01:09:28,033
It happens. Snoop been
smokin' since he was five.

1429
01:09:28,160 --> 01:09:29,309
Those aren't mine.

1430
01:09:29,400 --> 01:09:31,311
I mean, Mom, I swear to God,
they're not mine.

1431
01:09:31,400 --> 01:09:32,628
Baby, I believe you.

1432
01:09:32,720 --> 01:09:34,711
And why were you looking
in my locker anyway?

1433
01:09:34,840 --> 01:09:37,991
We were tipped off
by a concerned parent.

1434
01:09:38,600 --> 01:09:40,318
Wait a minute.

1435
01:09:40,400 --> 01:09:42,834
Was this concerned parent's
name Gwendolyn James?

1436
01:09:42,920 --> 01:09:45,230
Hey, listen, I don't know nothin'
about Gwendolyn James, all right?

1437
01:09:45,240 --> 01:09:46,275
That woman scares me.

1438
01:09:46,360 --> 01:09:49,830
What I do know is this school
is a zero-tolerance school,

1439
01:09:49,920 --> 01:09:51,230
so that means that
your daughter's banned

1440
01:09:51,240 --> 01:09:52,878
from all extra-curricular
activities.

1441
01:09:53,160 --> 01:09:54,160
What does that mean?

1442
01:09:54,240 --> 01:09:55,753
That means you're
off the soccer team.

1443
01:09:55,920 --> 01:09:57,114
What?

1444
01:09:58,200 --> 01:10:00,270
Oh, my God.
Hey, my hands were tied.

1445
01:10:01,840 --> 01:10:03,068
Honey, baby, hold on.

1446
01:10:04,600 --> 01:10:06,955
That little girl
rolls a real tight jay.

1447
01:10:08,200 --> 01:10:09,679
This is all your fault.

1448
01:10:09,760 --> 01:10:11,432
Why did you mess
with Gwendolyn James?

1449
01:10:11,560 --> 01:10:13,312
Sweetie,
I am so sorry.
1450
01:10:13,560 --> 01:10:15,278
Honey, please,
I didn't mean for this.

1451
01:10:15,440 --> 01:10:17,192
Yes, you did
mean to, Mom!

1452
01:10:17,600 --> 01:10:20,353
You were sick of
being a mom, so you quit

1453
01:10:20,440 --> 01:10:21,793
and you started partying

1454
01:10:21,880 --> 01:10:23,836
with your weird,
new friends,

1455
01:10:23,920 --> 01:10:26,036
and blowing off work,
and, oh, yeah,

1456
01:10:26,120 --> 01:10:29,237
having sex with
Lori Harkness' dad.

1457
01:10:29,600 --> 01:10:30,749
So gross!

1458
01:10:31,160 --> 01:10:32,957
Honey, I know
that you're mad.

1459
01:10:33,080 --> 01:10:35,355
I get it.
You are so selfish, Mom.

1460
01:10:35,440 --> 01:10:38,591
You are so selfish and
it frigging sucks, okay?

1461
01:10:38,720 --> 01:10:41,678
Baby, I'm so sorry. Tell me,
how can I make this better?

1462
01:10:41,760 --> 01:10:43,910
No. I wanna stay
with Dad tonight.

1463
01:10:44,000 --> 01:10:45,479
Even he's a better
parent than you.

1464
01:10:54,400 --> 01:10:55,515
Oh, my God.

1465
01:10:56,400 --> 01:10:59,040
Guys! Guys, guys.
Did you hear?

1466
01:10:59,120 --> 01:11:02,192
Amy Mitchell's daughter
got busted for drugs.

1467
01:11:02,320 --> 01:11:03,960
- What? No way!
- Yeah.

1468
01:11:04,480 --> 01:11:07,233
Look, I am not blaming Amy Mitchell.
I mean, my God, I would never...

1469
01:11:07,320 --> 01:11:09,675
- Of course...
- ...ever judge another mother,

1470
01:11:09,800 --> 01:11:12,075
but I think we really
have to ask ourselves,

1471
01:11:12,160 --> 01:11:16,551
do we want someone who is that
reckless and irresponsible

1472
01:11:16,640 --> 01:11:21,316
and mentally unhinged alcoholic
to be president of the PTA?

1473
01:11:22,360 --> 01:11:23,395
I don't know.

1474
01:11:23,480 --> 01:11:26,836
You know what? I never even liked her.
She looks foreign.

1475
01:11:26,960 --> 01:11:28,678
Oh, God.
Foreigners.

1476
01:11:28,760 --> 01:11:30,796
Listen. I think now
we just need to pray

1477
01:11:30,880 --> 01:11:34,077
that Amy's little crackhead
daughter gets the help she needs.

1478
01:11:39,040 --> 01:11:40,473
Mike, if Janey
needs anything,

1479
01:11:40,560 --> 01:11:42,755
and I mean anything,
just please call me.

1480
01:11:42,840 --> 01:11:45,115
Babe, it's gonna be fine.
I'm staying at the Waldorf.

1481
01:11:45,200 --> 01:11:47,839
They got an indoor-outdoor
pool, room service,

1482
01:11:47,870 --> 01:11:49,030
18-hole golf course.
It's killer.

1483
01:11:49,040 --> 01:11:50,871
You're staying
at the Waldorf?

1484
01:11:50,960 --> 01:11:53,713
God, this is a divorce,
not a luxury vacation, Mike.

1485
01:11:53,800 --> 01:11:55,313
It's a safe hotel.

1486
01:11:55,400 --> 01:11:58,358
Wait, bye, angel!
Have so much fun with Daddy!

1487
01:11:59,360 --> 01:12:00,839
Can I get a hug?

1488
01:12:02,280 --> 01:12:04,953
No? Okay. Okay.

1489
01:12:06,560 --> 01:12:08,915
Oh, no, buddy, wait.
You're also going?

1490
01:12:09,000 --> 01:12:11,309
Dylan, you know
the hotel has TVs.

1491
01:12:11,400 --> 01:12:13,197
You don't have
to bring your own.

1492
01:12:15,560 --> 01:12:18,632
Oh, Roscoe,
not you, too.

1493
01:12:18,720 --> 01:12:21,234
Oh, the Waldorf's dog-friendly,
so don't worry.

1494
01:12:21,360 --> 01:12:22,679
Yeah. So.

1495
01:12:22,760 --> 01:12:24,400
- Mike, please go.
- Yeah.

1496
01:12:29,160 --> 01:12:30,354
Bye, kids.

1497
01:14:05,480 --> 01:14:08,358
Welcome to
the annual PTA election.

1498
01:14:13,320 --> 01:14:15,914
We will start with
the candidates' statements,
1499
01:14:16,000 --> 01:14:18,468
and since only one
bothered to show up,

1500
01:14:19,160 --> 01:14:20,479
she will go first.

1501
01:14:21,800 --> 01:14:23,313
Gwendolyn,
you have five minutes.

1502
01:14:26,000 --> 01:14:28,150
Thank you.
I'll talk as long as I want.

1503
01:14:35,520 --> 01:14:37,795
God, this movie's
depressing.

1504
01:14:38,320 --> 01:14:39,670
- Amy!
- Amy, I'm sorry we're late.

1505
01:14:39,680 --> 01:14:41,080
- Oh, my God!
- It's Kiki's fault.

1506
01:14:41,160 --> 01:14:42,190
- Sorry we're late, honey.
- So sorry.

1507
01:14:42,200 --> 01:14:43,135
I had to pee.

1508
01:14:43,160 --> 01:14:44,550
What's happening?
Why aren't you ready?

1509
01:14:44,560 --> 01:14:45,629
What's going on?

1510
01:14:45,720 --> 01:14:47,039
What are you talking about?

1511
01:14:47,400 --> 01:14:49,231
What are you...
It's the PTA election.

1512
01:14:49,360 --> 01:14:52,193
Oh, my God, no. Sorry,
I'm not going to that.

1513
01:14:52,320 --> 01:14:53,719
What? Why not?

1514
01:14:53,880 --> 01:14:55,438
Oh, I don't know.

1515
01:14:55,520 --> 01:14:59,274
Maybe because my husband
left me, my kids left me.

1516
01:14:59,360 --> 01:15:01,191
My fucking dog left me.

1517
01:15:01,320 --> 01:15:03,436
All the moms
in school hate me,

1518
01:15:03,560 --> 01:15:07,838
and I am a complete and
utter failure as a mother.

1519
01:15:07,920 --> 01:15:10,115
First of all, you are so
not a failure as a mother.

1520
01:15:10,200 --> 01:15:12,953
In fact, you're the best
mother that we've ever seen.

1521
01:15:13,040 --> 01:15:14,040
True that.

1522
01:15:14,160 --> 01:15:16,116
You give your
kids salad.

1523
01:15:16,240 --> 01:15:18,231
You remember your
kids' birthdays.

1524
01:15:18,720 --> 01:15:20,915
I mean, I sat here
and watched you wait

1525
01:15:21,000 --> 01:15:23,594
until your kid fell
asleep before you got high.

1526
01:15:23,680 --> 01:15:26,240
Most moms do that, Carla.

1527
01:15:26,840 --> 01:15:27,989
That's most moms, yeah.

1528
01:15:28,080 --> 01:15:31,709
Well, whatever. This is the worst
thing I've ever seen you do.

1529
01:15:31,880 --> 01:15:32,949
You've quit trying.

1530
01:15:33,920 --> 01:15:35,558
We don't quit!
Moms don't quit!

1531
01:15:35,680 --> 01:15:37,989
No! Quitting
is for dads!

1532
01:15:38,080 --> 01:15:39,080
Uh...

1533
01:15:39,760 --> 01:15:42,069
Listen, no matter what
shit is thrown at us,

1534
01:15:42,160 --> 01:15:43,229
us moms, we have
to just...

1535
01:15:44,280 --> 01:15:45,860
- We have to just keep going.
- Mmm-hmm.

1536
01:15:45,960 --> 01:15:47,359
And do you know why?
1537
01:15:47,480 --> 01:15:49,232
Because we have
low self-esteem.

1538
01:15:49,360 --> 01:15:51,157
No. No, no.

1539
01:15:51,920 --> 01:15:54,036
It's because
we love our kids.

1540
01:15:54,120 --> 01:15:55,360
It's because we
love our stupid,

1541
01:15:55,440 --> 01:15:57,829
selfish, ungrateful,
little shit-faces!

1542
01:15:57,920 --> 01:15:58,920
That's why.

1543
01:15:58,960 --> 01:16:01,679
We love 'em so much
that we would do...

1544
01:16:02,440 --> 01:16:03,873
Literally anything
for them.

1545
01:16:04,600 --> 01:16:06,400
You guys,
I can't win the election.

1546
01:16:06,480 --> 01:16:07,480
- Oh, my God!
- Amy!

1547
01:16:07,560 --> 01:16:09,152
Amy! This is not
about the election.

1548
01:16:09,240 --> 01:16:10,240
Amy, sit up.

1549
01:16:10,320 --> 01:16:11,992
This is about
standing up to the bitch

1550
01:16:12,080 --> 01:16:13,798
that hurt your
little girl!

1551
01:16:14,000 --> 01:16:18,073
Now, are you gonna sit here and let
Gwendolyn get away with this shit?

1552
01:16:18,160 --> 01:16:19,910
- Don't do it, Amy.
- Fuck that!

1553
01:16:20,000 --> 01:16:21,228
Fuck it!

1554
01:16:21,680 --> 01:16:25,878
You are gonna rise up like a
small, little white Apollo Creed

1555
01:16:26,560 --> 01:16:28,841
and you are gonna look at
Gwendolyn and you are gonna say,

1556
01:16:28,960 --> 01:16:30,590
"You can do what you want to me,
I don't care,

1557
01:16:30,600 --> 01:16:31,635
"throw it at me,

1558
01:16:31,760 --> 01:16:33,990
"but you fucked
with my daughter,

1559
01:16:34,120 --> 01:16:35,519
"and now I have to
fight you.

1560
01:16:36,640 --> 01:16:38,631
"I will fight you
in the playground.

1561
01:16:38,800 --> 01:16:40,791
"I will fight you
in the cafeteria.

1562
01:16:41,800 --> 01:16:45,475
"I will even fight you in the
parking lot of Trader Joe's.

1563
01:16:46,840 --> 01:16:49,479
"But I will have justice
for my little girl,

1564
01:16:50,640 --> 01:16:53,552
"because I am
a fucking mom.

1565
01:16:55,120 --> 01:16:58,157
"And we protect
our young."

1566
01:17:00,720 --> 01:17:02,915
So get up off
this couch,

1567
01:17:03,000 --> 01:17:05,958
turn off
12 Years a Slave

1568
01:17:06,040 --> 01:17:08,030
and let's
body slam this bitch.

1569
01:17:11,560 --> 01:17:13,596
Come on, Amy.
Come on,

1570
01:17:13,680 --> 01:17:14,954
get those tits up.

1571
01:17:15,040 --> 01:17:16,678
- Get 'em up.
- Get 'em up.

1572
01:17:16,760 --> 01:17:18,660
- Get your boobs up.
- Get those tits right up.

1573
01:17:18,680 --> 01:17:20,750
- I'm gonna get my tits up.
- Get your tits up!

1574
01:17:20,880 --> 01:17:22,550
They're getting up, you guys.
They're getting up.

1575
01:17:22,560 --> 01:17:24,190
I can see it.
Guys, my tits are gettin' up.

1576
01:17:24,200 --> 01:17:26,270
They're getting up.
They're getting up. That's it.

1577
01:17:26,360 --> 01:17:27,793
They are up!

1578
01:17:37,520 --> 01:17:39,033
Go, go, go, go!

1579
01:17:45,080 --> 01:17:46,080
Oh, my God.

1580
01:17:46,160 --> 01:17:48,754
I can't seem to locate
my safety belt back here.

1581
01:17:54,840 --> 01:17:56,512
This is a one-way street!

1582
01:17:58,360 --> 01:17:59,475
Move out of the way!

1583
01:17:59,560 --> 01:18:02,677
We're on our way to a PTA meeting,
motherfuckers!

1584
01:18:02,880 --> 01:18:04,108
Oh, my God,
there's a truck!

1585
01:18:04,400 --> 01:18:06,310
- Truck! Truck! Truck!
- Oh, my God!

1586
01:18:11,080 --> 01:18:12,350
Oh, my God.

1587
01:18:13,800 --> 01:18:16,400
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, fun. Kent is calling.

1588
01:18:17,000 --> 01:18:18,228
- Hi, honey.
- Kiki.

1589
01:18:18,920 --> 01:18:20,638
The kids are going insane.

1590
01:18:20,720 --> 01:18:22,870
I can't do this.
You gotta come home right now.

1591
01:18:23,400 --> 01:18:25,152
But I can't come home.

1592
01:18:25,240 --> 01:18:27,959
I'm going to the PTA
meeting with my friends.

1593
01:18:28,040 --> 01:18:30,235
No, no, no, no.
I said come home now, damn it!

1594
01:18:33,680 --> 01:18:34,829
And I said,

1595
01:18:34,920 --> 01:18:38,833
"I'm going to the fucking PTA
meeting with my fucking friends,"

1596
01:18:38,920 --> 01:18:41,878
so stop being such a goddamn
pussy and make it work!

1597
01:18:42,560 --> 01:18:43,879
Kiki. Kiki...

1598
01:18:48,400 --> 01:18:49,674
That was very exciting.

1599
01:18:49,760 --> 01:18:51,590
- How good did that feel?
- That felt good, didn't it?

1600
01:18:51,600 --> 01:18:53,430
- It's very exciting!
- Yes!

1601
01:18:53,560 --> 01:18:55,551
It's very exciting!

1602
01:18:57,360 --> 01:19:00,193
And it is for that reason
and the 47 others

1603
01:19:00,280 --> 01:19:02,157
that I laid out
for you today

1604
01:19:02,240 --> 01:19:04,754
that I humbly
ask for your vote.

1605
01:19:09,440 --> 01:19:11,271
All right,
thank you, Gwendolyn.

1606
01:19:12,280 --> 01:19:14,630
- Uh, well...
- Sorry I'm late!

1607
01:19:17,080 --> 01:19:20,072
Actually, you're just in time to
give your candidate statement.

1608
01:19:20,160 --> 01:19:21,354
What's a candidate
statement?

1609
01:19:21,480 --> 01:19:22,799
Oh, I think
that's like a speech.

1610
01:19:22,810 --> 01:19:25,110
- You got one of those, right, honey?
- What are you talking about?

1611
01:19:25,120 --> 01:19:27,395
- You don't have a speech?
- Of course not!

1612
01:19:27,480 --> 01:19:28,629
It's all good.

1613
01:19:29,800 --> 01:19:31,028
She's got
a great speech.

1614
01:19:31,400 --> 01:19:33,436
I'm not good at
this public speaking.

1615
01:19:34,800 --> 01:19:37,473
Hey, we're sitting here.
Move, move, sorry, move.

1616
01:19:42,840 --> 01:19:43,840
Okay.

1617
01:19:47,200 --> 01:19:49,316
Wow, there's a lot of you.

1618
01:19:49,400 --> 01:19:50,753
Introduce yourself.

1619
01:19:51,680 --> 01:19:54,433
Hi, I'm Amy Mitchell.

1620
01:19:54,560 --> 01:19:56,278
Good.

1621
01:19:56,360 --> 01:19:57,873
And I'm running
for PTA president.

1622
01:20:01,160 --> 01:20:02,195
You're doing great.

1623
01:20:03,160 --> 01:20:04,350
Just 'cause
they're not responding

1624
01:20:04,360 --> 01:20:05,998
doesn't mean they think
you're terrible.

1625
01:20:10,440 --> 01:20:11,793
You know...

1626
01:20:13,520 --> 01:20:16,080
I know there's a lot of rumors
going around about my daughter.

1627
01:20:17,680 --> 01:20:18,908
That's a bad place
to start.

1628
01:20:19,040 --> 01:20:21,759
And I'm guessing a lot of you
think that I'm a bad mom.

1629
01:20:21,840 --> 01:20:22,875
Yes.

1630
01:20:22,960 --> 01:20:26,077
No, no. No, you know what?
You're right.

1631
01:20:26,600 --> 01:20:29,273
Sometimes,
I'm too lenient with my kids.

1632
01:20:29,360 --> 01:20:31,191
Sometimes,
I'm too strict.

1633
01:20:31,280 --> 01:20:32,952
Well, we overestimated her,
obviously.

1634
01:20:33,040 --> 01:20:34,234
Sometimes, I'm so crazy

1635
01:20:34,320 --> 01:20:35,710
that I don't even
understand the words

1636
01:20:35,720 --> 01:20:37,199
that are coming
out of my mouth.
1637
01:20:38,920 --> 01:20:42,879
You see, what works for my daughter
almost never works for my son.

1638
01:20:44,880 --> 01:20:48,316
And whenever I think I'm actually
starting to figure my kids out,

1639
01:20:49,440 --> 01:20:52,273
they grow up
and I'm back to square one.

1640
01:20:53,480 --> 01:20:56,677
So, the truth is,
when it comes to being a mom,

1641
01:20:58,640 --> 01:21:00,756
I have no fucking
clue what I'm doing.

1642
01:21:02,760 --> 01:21:05,558
And you know what?
I don't think anyone does.

1643
01:21:05,680 --> 01:21:08,319
I think we're all bad moms,
and you know why?

1644
01:21:08,880 --> 01:21:13,874
Because being a mom
today is impossible!

1645
01:21:17,600 --> 01:21:19,636
I never doubted her.
I never doubted her.

1646
01:21:19,720 --> 01:21:21,830
- She's doing great.
- She's a natural.

1647
01:21:21,920 --> 01:21:25,913
So can we all just please stop
pretending like we have it figured out

1648
01:21:26,000 --> 01:21:28,036
and stop judging
each other for once?
1649
01:21:29,080 --> 01:21:31,719
Look, I'm running
for PTA president because...

1650
01:21:31,800 --> 01:21:34,598
Because I want our
school to be a place

1651
01:21:34,680 --> 01:21:37,194
where you can make mistakes,
where you can be yourself,

1652
01:21:37,280 --> 01:21:39,430
where you're being judged
on how hard you work

1653
01:21:39,520 --> 01:21:42,159
and not on what you bring
to the fucking bake sale.

1654
01:21:46,360 --> 01:21:47,510
- Yeah!
- Yeah!

1655
01:21:47,600 --> 01:21:51,195
I want our school to be a place
where it's okay to be a bad mom.

1656
01:21:51,280 --> 01:21:52,713
Do you know
what I mean?

1657
01:21:53,320 --> 01:21:55,959
My kids haven't had
a bath in three weeks.

1658
01:21:56,560 --> 01:21:58,869
That's okay! Listen,
we've all been there.

1659
01:21:58,960 --> 01:22:03,670
I confiscated my son's weed and
then I smoked the shit out of it!

1660
01:22:05,080 --> 01:22:06,672
What's your number?
1661
01:22:06,760 --> 01:22:09,433
I give my kids a Benadryl
every Tuesday night

1662
01:22:09,520 --> 01:22:10,873
so I can watch The Voice.

1663
01:22:13,000 --> 01:22:15,036
I can't tell
my twins apart!

1664
01:22:15,120 --> 01:22:17,236
I let my 7-year-old
watch Mad Max.

1665
01:22:17,320 --> 01:22:19,197
I drink margaritas
for breakfast.

1666
01:22:19,280 --> 01:22:21,475
I threw my son's
violin in the garbage.

1667
01:22:25,040 --> 01:22:27,156
Oh, honey,
we don't speak Spanish.

1668
01:22:27,240 --> 01:22:29,879
I like my nanny better
than I like my husband.

1669
01:22:29,960 --> 01:22:31,360
Wait, really?

1670
01:22:33,400 --> 01:22:34,958
Yeah, you do!

1671
01:22:35,240 --> 01:22:36,434
I don't even have kids!

1672
01:22:36,520 --> 01:22:38,988
I just come to PTA meetings
because I'm lonely.

1673
01:22:39,160 --> 01:22:40,593
Aw.

1674
01:22:42,840 --> 01:22:43,840
Here's the thing.

1675
01:22:44,320 --> 01:22:45,719
If you're a perfect mom

1676
01:22:45,800 --> 01:22:48,394
who's got this whole
parenting thing figured out,

1677
01:22:48,480 --> 01:22:51,153
well, then, you should
probably vote for Gwendolyn,

1678
01:22:51,320 --> 01:22:53,356
'cause she's amazing.

1679
01:22:53,520 --> 01:22:54,520
Yes.

1680
01:22:54,680 --> 01:22:56,750
But if you're
a bad mom like me

1681
01:22:56,840 --> 01:22:58,990
and you have no fucking clue
what you're doing,

1682
01:22:59,800 --> 01:23:02,712
or you're just sick of being
judged all the time...

1683
01:23:04,880 --> 01:23:06,518
Then please vote for me.

1684
01:23:07,800 --> 01:23:09,320
Thank you.

1685
01:23:11,560 --> 01:23:12,959
Oh, my God!

1686
01:23:16,920 --> 01:23:18,319
Are you kidding me?
1687
01:23:34,360 --> 01:23:35,475
Yes!

1688
01:23:35,560 --> 01:23:36,720
Amy! Amy! Amy!

1689
01:23:36,760 --> 01:23:39,513
Look at that!
This is your PTA president!

1690
01:23:46,480 --> 01:23:48,869
Amy! Amy! Amy!

1691
01:23:49,360 --> 01:23:50,634
Oh, mama.

1692
01:23:50,720 --> 01:23:52,711
I feel invigorated.
This is so great!

1693
01:23:52,840 --> 01:23:55,559
- I still can't believe you won.
- I know!

1694
01:23:55,640 --> 01:23:58,029
Oh, I'm so happy you guys
dragged me out of the house.

1695
01:23:58,640 --> 01:24:00,949
Oh, sweetheart, I didn't
doubt you for a second.

1696
01:24:01,120 --> 01:24:03,634
Oh, God, you know,
I forgot what it was

1697
01:24:03,720 --> 01:24:04,835
like to have real friends,

1698
01:24:04,920 --> 01:24:07,275
like, true friends.

1699
01:24:07,360 --> 01:24:08,360
I know.

1700
01:24:08,400 --> 01:24:11,676
Before you guys, my only friend
was that lady on Google Maps.

1701
01:24:13,520 --> 01:24:15,112
You're pretty much
the first bitches

1702
01:24:15,200 --> 01:24:17,270
to ever talk to me
at this school, so...

1703
01:24:17,400 --> 01:24:20,278
I'm so happy we found
each other, you guys.

1704
01:24:20,360 --> 01:24:21,920
- Me too.
- Me three.

1705
01:24:22,000 --> 01:24:24,036
Let's hug for
a really long time.

1706
01:24:24,160 --> 01:24:26,550
Come on, bring it in.
Bring it in.

1707
01:24:31,800 --> 01:24:34,189
Hey, will you guys
give me, like, a second?

1708
01:24:35,440 --> 01:24:37,240
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah, honey. Sure.

1709
01:24:37,320 --> 01:24:38,514
- Okay.
- Sure, take a minute.

1710
01:24:38,600 --> 01:24:39,874
- Digest it.
- Thanks.

1711
01:24:54,800 --> 01:24:56,320
What, did you come
to gloat?
1712
01:24:56,360 --> 01:24:58,635
No. No, no, I'm just
seeing if you're okay.

1713
01:24:58,760 --> 01:25:01,593
I'm fine. Everything's fine.
I'm fine.

1714
01:25:01,720 --> 01:25:04,550
- Okay. I don't wanna bother you.
- No, I'm good.

1715
01:25:04,640 --> 01:25:06,471
It's just that the PTA

1716
01:25:07,560 --> 01:25:10,632
was the only good thing in my
life and now I've lost that, too.

1717
01:25:11,240 --> 01:25:13,515
Come on, Gwendolyn,
your life is awesome.

1718
01:25:14,120 --> 01:25:16,475
You have, like,
three boats.

1719
01:25:16,560 --> 01:25:18,994
- I have four boats.
- Okay.

1720
01:25:19,560 --> 01:25:24,236
But, no...
My life is so not awesome.

1721
01:25:25,240 --> 01:25:27,231
Gwendolyn, what could
possibly be wrong?

1722
01:25:27,320 --> 01:25:28,320
Oh, God.

1723
01:25:29,200 --> 01:25:30,679
Okay, well,

1724
01:25:31,520 --> 01:25:33,238
for starters...

1725
01:25:33,320 --> 01:25:36,073
My husband was just arrested
for embezzling

1726
01:25:36,160 --> 01:25:38,469
$100 million from
a children's charity.

1727
01:25:39,680 --> 01:25:41,910
And I have night terrors.

1728
01:25:42,000 --> 01:25:46,039
And I have to take Vicodin every 20
minutes, and I'm not even in any pain.

1729
01:25:46,480 --> 01:25:48,516
I'm just addicted
to them now.

1730
01:25:48,600 --> 01:25:49,830
I'm pretty sure
my brother-in-law

1731
01:25:49,840 --> 01:25:52,229
just joined ISIS,
and he's a Jew!

1732
01:25:52,960 --> 01:25:56,873
Oh, and also, my DVR just
stopped recording Castle.

1733
01:25:56,960 --> 01:25:58,234
Just out of nowhere.

1734
01:25:58,320 --> 01:26:01,198
Like, how the fuck
does that even happen?

1735
01:26:01,280 --> 01:26:03,840
And I am the only thing
holding my family together,

1736
01:26:03,920 --> 01:26:07,629
so, yeah, it's awesome.
1737
01:26:08,720 --> 01:26:10,039
It's just awesome.

1738
01:26:10,360 --> 01:26:11,360
Wow.

1739
01:26:11,440 --> 01:26:14,398
I had no idea.
Yeah.

1740
01:26:15,440 --> 01:26:18,238
You just always acted like
everything was so perfect.

1741
01:26:24,080 --> 01:26:25,274
Hey,

1742
01:26:25,360 --> 01:26:27,954
I'm really sorry about
what I did to your daughter.

1743
01:26:28,640 --> 01:26:31,837
I promise you I will get her back
on the soccer team, all right?

1744
01:26:34,440 --> 01:26:37,398
I know that was
a really shitty thing to do.

1745
01:26:38,200 --> 01:26:39,870
- Yeah.
- Even for me.

1746
01:26:40,440 --> 01:26:42,670
Listen, we're all
bad moms, right?

1747
01:26:42,800 --> 01:26:43,869
Yeah.

1748
01:26:44,880 --> 01:26:46,840
That was literally the only
thing you said tonight

1749
01:26:46,880 --> 01:26:48,199
that made
any fuckin' sense.

1750
01:26:51,160 --> 01:26:52,160
Bye.

1751
01:27:10,000 --> 01:27:12,355
Hey, guys. Can I talk
to you for a second?

1752
01:27:12,440 --> 01:27:13,555
Yeah.

1753
01:27:16,360 --> 01:27:17,360
Look, I just wanna say

1754
01:27:17,440 --> 01:27:19,476
I'm really sorry for how
I've been acting lately.

1755
01:27:19,600 --> 01:27:22,239
Oh, it's fine. Yeah, it's just
menopause, right?

1756
01:27:22,360 --> 01:27:24,476
No.
It's not menopause.

1757
01:27:24,560 --> 01:27:26,630
And I'm sorry
for acting so crazy

1758
01:27:26,760 --> 01:27:27,880
about the whole
soccer thing.

1759
01:27:28,560 --> 01:27:30,630
I'm really trying
to chill out more.

1760
01:27:30,720 --> 01:27:32,836
I mean, it's just
soccer. Right?

1761
01:27:33,480 --> 01:27:35,038
I got you back on
the soccer team.
1762
01:27:35,120 --> 01:27:36,838
- Shut up!
- Shut up.

1763
01:27:36,920 --> 01:27:39,036
Shut your face!
Oh, my God.

1764
01:27:39,120 --> 01:27:40,519
Thank you so much, Mom.

1765
01:27:41,440 --> 01:27:42,919
Oh, I love you.
Get in here.

1766
01:27:43,520 --> 01:27:45,829
There. Oh, I love you guys
so much.

1767
01:27:45,920 --> 01:27:47,478
You're amazing kids.

1768
01:27:48,240 --> 01:27:51,277
I promise, I promise
to always be here for you.

1769
01:27:52,200 --> 01:27:53,200
Oh.

1770
01:27:53,640 --> 01:27:54,914
My babies.

1771
01:27:55,040 --> 01:27:56,040
Oh...

1772
01:27:56,120 --> 01:27:57,720
- I almost forgot!
- Where is he going?

1773
01:27:58,440 --> 01:27:59,640
Why is he
touching the oven?

1774
01:28:02,640 --> 01:28:04,198
I made a frittata.
1775
01:28:04,840 --> 01:28:08,389
Did you just say "frittata"?

1776
01:28:08,480 --> 01:28:10,070
You said you weren't gonna
cook for us anymore,

1777
01:28:10,080 --> 01:28:11,798
so I taught
myself how to cook.

1778
01:28:12,800 --> 01:28:16,270
Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you!
Get in here. I love you.

1779
01:28:16,360 --> 01:28:18,230
- I love you.
- Okay, okay, all right, all right.

1780
01:28:18,240 --> 01:28:19,639
Okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay.

1781
01:28:19,720 --> 01:28:20,720
All right, okay, let go.

1782
01:28:20,840 --> 01:28:22,592
Okay. I gotta go
do my homework.

1783
01:28:24,360 --> 01:28:25,588
Who are you?

1784
01:28:28,920 --> 01:28:30,672
♪ I said, "You're holding back". ♪

1785
01:28:30,760 --> 01:28:33,354
♪ She said, ♪
♪ "Shut up and dance with me!" ♪

1786
01:28:33,440 --> 01:28:36,000
♪ This woman is my destiny. ♪

1787
01:28:36,200 --> 01:28:40,876
♪ She said, "Ooh-ooh-hoo, ♪
♪ Shut up and dance with me!" ♪
1788
01:28:43,480 --> 01:28:45,948
Oh, hold on. Sorry, guys.
One sec, one sec.

1789
01:28:46,840 --> 01:28:48,432
Hello, this is Amy.

1790
01:28:48,520 --> 01:28:49,635
Hey, Amy, it's Dale.

1791
01:28:50,160 --> 01:28:52,880
The company is falling apart without you.
Could you please come back?

1792
01:28:52,960 --> 01:28:54,757
I will give you
whatever you want.

1793
01:28:55,240 --> 01:28:56,912
Whatever?
Whatever I want?

1794
01:28:57,000 --> 01:28:58,399
Yes! Yes! Anything.

1795
01:28:58,920 --> 01:29:03,072
Okay, um, well,
I wanna double my pay.

1796
01:29:03,760 --> 01:29:07,594
I wanna work from
home two days a week.

1797
01:29:07,880 --> 01:29:12,317
Oh, and I wanna hire three
women over the age of 12

1798
01:29:12,400 --> 01:29:13,753
to fill out my team.

1799
01:29:13,840 --> 01:29:16,195
Okay, okay, fine. Anything you want.
Can you start today?

1800
01:29:16,280 --> 01:29:18,157
Oh, no, no. No, sorry,
today's not good for me.

1801
01:29:18,240 --> 01:29:20,549
I'll start sometime next week.
Thanks. Bye-bye.

1802
01:29:33,960 --> 01:29:35,030
- Come here.
- Love you.

1803
01:29:35,760 --> 01:29:37,070
- Great day at school.
- Love you, Mom.

1804
01:29:37,080 --> 01:29:39,389
I love you kiddos.
Be great, okay?

1805
01:29:39,480 --> 01:29:40,910
- Okay.
- Be amazing. Be awesome.

1806
01:29:41,840 --> 01:29:42,909
Love you!

1807
01:29:48,200 --> 01:29:49,599
When did they
get so big?

1808
01:29:50,720 --> 01:29:51,835
I don't know.

1809
01:29:54,520 --> 01:29:56,988
Hey, what would happen
if I came over Friday night,

1810
01:29:57,120 --> 01:29:58,320
brought a great
bottle of wine,

1811
01:29:58,400 --> 01:29:59,680
you know,
made you a nice dinner,

1812
01:29:59,760 --> 01:30:02,160
maybe ran you a hot bath and
someone just took care of you...

1813
01:30:02,240 --> 01:30:04,310
- I love you.
- ...for a change?

1814
01:30:04,400 --> 01:30:05,960
- What did you just say?
- What?

1815
01:30:06,040 --> 01:30:07,520
- What was that?
- I said nothing.

1816
01:30:07,600 --> 01:30:09,900
- You said nothing.
- I meant to say that I...

1817
01:30:10,000 --> 01:30:12,195
God, I would love that.
I would love that.

1818
01:30:12,480 --> 01:30:13,830
- Great.
- Yeah.

1819
01:30:15,320 --> 01:30:16,920
- I'll see you Friday.
- Okay.

1820
01:30:24,320 --> 01:30:26,880
I'll see you after school.
Be good, okay?

1821
01:30:28,720 --> 01:30:29,869
Hey, how's it going?

1822
01:30:29,960 --> 01:30:31,916
I'm doing amazing.

1823
01:30:32,760 --> 01:30:36,435
I slept in late, skipped my workout,
had, like, four donuts.

1824
01:30:36,520 --> 01:30:37,635
I told these kids,
1825
01:30:37,720 --> 01:30:39,711
"Look, you get yourself
ready for school today."

1826
01:30:39,800 --> 01:30:42,598
And my husband totally
Fifty-Shaded me this morning.

1827
01:30:42,960 --> 01:30:44,871
- Oh.
- I've never felt better.

1828
01:30:45,080 --> 01:30:46,080
Wow.

1829
01:30:46,160 --> 01:30:47,309
Yeah.

1830
01:30:55,160 --> 01:30:56,160
Hi!

1831
01:30:57,280 --> 01:30:58,998
Did you remember
Maddie's backpack?

1832
01:31:01,160 --> 01:31:03,628
Shoot. No, I left it
in the car.

1833
01:31:03,720 --> 01:31:05,631
Okay, well, let's go get it, dude.
Right?

1834
01:31:05,720 --> 01:31:06,720
Chop-chop.

1835
01:31:06,800 --> 01:31:08,430
I'm so sorry.
Be right back.

1836
01:31:08,520 --> 01:31:09,839
It's not gonna
grab itself.

1837
01:31:14,720 --> 01:31:15,835
Hey, Jackson.
1838
01:31:17,200 --> 01:31:18,599
I, uh...

1839
01:31:18,680 --> 01:31:20,716
I made you lunch today.

1840
01:31:20,800 --> 01:31:22,836
It's a hummus
wrap with some kale.

1841
01:31:23,080 --> 01:31:24,080
Gross!

1842
01:31:24,160 --> 01:31:25,510
Yeah, I know, it sounds
totally disgusting,

1843
01:31:25,520 --> 01:31:28,220
but it's supposed to
be good for you, so...

1844
01:31:28,280 --> 01:31:30,110
And I'm gonna come to your
baseball game tomorrow night.

1845
01:31:30,120 --> 01:31:30,908
For real?

1846
01:31:30,919 --> 01:31:33,281
I'm gonna stay the
whole stupid game.

1847
01:31:33,520 --> 01:31:34,520
Mmm-hmm.

1848
01:31:34,920 --> 01:31:36,148
Because...

1849
01:31:38,320 --> 01:31:39,514
I love you.

1850
01:31:40,760 --> 01:31:41,875
And stuff.

1851
01:31:44,120 --> 01:31:45,120
Oh.

1852
01:31:59,560 --> 01:32:02,154
Still cannot believe I pushed
that thing outta my chotch.

1853
01:32:02,760 --> 01:32:05,558
Hey. What's up,
pretty ladies?

1854
01:32:05,640 --> 01:32:06,834
What should we
do today?

1855
01:32:06,920 --> 01:32:08,353
How about we
go to brunch?

1856
01:32:08,480 --> 01:32:09,480
Mmm.

1857
01:32:09,560 --> 01:32:10,910
Oh, how about we go
to "Color Me Mine"

1858
01:32:10,920 --> 01:32:12,319
and make each
other salad bowls?

1859
01:32:12,400 --> 01:32:13,720
- I love it.
- Oh, I got an idea.

1860
01:32:13,722 --> 01:32:15,712
Why don't we try something
that doesn't suck?

1861
01:32:16,320 --> 01:32:18,880
Hey, bitches! Get in.

1862
01:32:31,240 --> 01:32:32,440
Wait.

1863
01:32:33,240 --> 01:32:36,040
- Holy shit.
- Wait. Wait. Wait. Is that...
1864
01:32:36,560 --> 01:32:38,835
Well, I have my husband's
plane for the whole day,

1865
01:32:38,920 --> 01:32:40,911
so where do you guys
wanna go, huh?

1866
01:32:43,280 --> 01:32:45,510
You know what? Gwendolyn's
starting to grow on me, guys.

1867
01:32:45,600 --> 01:32:48,000
I'm not gonna lie to you. I think
she's a really good person.

1868
01:32:48,080 --> 01:32:49,560
- Come on, come on!
- Very generous.

1869
01:33:05,400 --> 01:33:08,631
My role as a mother was
so hit-and-miss.

1870
01:33:09,520 --> 01:33:12,796
I was a little looser,
but too loose in many ways.

1871
01:33:12,880 --> 01:33:14,154
I would give her whiskey.

1872
01:33:16,240 --> 01:33:18,754
We left the country when
she was seven years old.

1873
01:33:18,840 --> 01:33:22,469
My mom kept telling me that
we were moving up the street.

1874
01:33:22,800 --> 01:33:24,552
And then we flew to L.A.

1875
01:33:24,640 --> 01:33:26,119
My mother's
a filthy liar.
1876
01:33:26,440 --> 01:33:27,720
When I went into
labor and stuff,

1877
01:33:27,760 --> 01:33:29,480
I didn't even ask if
it was a boy or a girl.

1878
01:33:29,560 --> 01:33:31,198
I just asked
for Demerol.

1879
01:33:32,680 --> 01:33:34,636
I heard someone
calling my name.

1880
01:33:34,720 --> 01:33:36,153
"Please come to
the service desk."

1881
01:33:36,240 --> 01:33:37,240
I thought,
"What's that?"

1882
01:33:37,320 --> 01:33:39,280
And I looked around,
there was no Kathryn.

1883
01:33:39,480 --> 01:33:41,470
- She was three years old.
- I was three years old.

1884
01:33:41,480 --> 01:33:44,074
I'm thinking,
oh, my God, that was bad!

1885
01:33:44,160 --> 01:33:45,832
When I was
nine years old,

1886
01:33:46,480 --> 01:33:49,392
um, my mom took me to see
Cruising in the theaters

1887
01:33:49,920 --> 01:33:52,275
- because she loved Al Pacino.
- I loved Al Pacino.
1888
01:33:52,360 --> 01:33:54,271
Cruising is
a movie about a man

1889
01:33:54,360 --> 01:33:57,716
investigating the
underworld of S&M gay clubs

1890
01:33:58,080 --> 01:34:00,958
because there was a man murdering
men after raping them.

1891
01:34:01,040 --> 01:34:02,553
Al Pacino.

1892
01:34:02,640 --> 01:34:04,995
You do stupid
things as a parent

1893
01:34:05,080 --> 01:34:06,590
and you're like, "Oh, they're fine,
they're fine,"

1894
01:34:06,600 --> 01:34:07,840
and then you're
in the hospital.

1895
01:34:07,920 --> 01:34:10,559
Yeah, of course you lie to
your kids, of course you do,

1896
01:34:10,640 --> 01:34:12,676
and you go through their things.
You have to.

1897
01:34:12,760 --> 01:34:14,113
You go through
my things?

1898
01:34:14,200 --> 01:34:16,714
Sometimes you have
to make people happy,

1899
01:34:16,800 --> 01:34:18,631
to lie a little bit.
You know?
1900
01:34:18,760 --> 01:34:21,069
Easter Bunny.
Tooth Fairy.

1901
01:34:21,160 --> 01:34:23,116
Food out for
Santa Claus.

1902
01:34:23,200 --> 01:34:24,800
You had me clean
the fireplace that year.

1903
01:34:24,840 --> 01:34:26,310
Yeah, well, that was
a good idea anyway.

1904
01:34:26,320 --> 01:34:27,719
Like a chimney sweep.

1905
01:34:27,840 --> 01:34:30,479
I would just be all,
you know, upset

1906
01:34:30,600 --> 01:34:33,194
because of the way
I thought that it had to be.

1907
01:34:33,280 --> 01:34:35,999
You know, I was so angry one
day, and I said to her,

1908
01:34:36,080 --> 01:34:38,594
"Dominic doesn't like you,
Eric doesn't like you."

1909
01:34:38,680 --> 01:34:40,477
You told me to fuck off.

1910
01:34:40,560 --> 01:34:42,835
"Laura doesn't like you.
Your dad doesn't like you."

1911
01:34:42,920 --> 01:34:44,710
You said, "Fuck you, Mom."
Or something like that.
1912
01:34:44,720 --> 01:34:46,640
"I don't like you, and the
dog doesn't like you."

1913
01:34:47,880 --> 01:34:49,677
Yeah, I don't know
what I was thinking.

1914
01:34:50,400 --> 01:34:53,312
I just really didn't
have a clue about...

1915
01:34:53,400 --> 01:34:55,470
You were perfect.

1916
01:34:55,560 --> 01:34:56,960
Yeah, it kind of
worked out for her.

1917
01:34:57,000 --> 01:34:59,036
It worked out perfectly.

1918
01:34:59,120 --> 01:35:00,553
I had the best
childhood.

1919
01:35:00,680 --> 01:35:02,352
I loved my childhood.

1920
01:35:02,440 --> 01:35:04,112
I had a very
happy childhood.

1921
01:35:04,200 --> 01:35:05,553
And we would
have the best days.

1922
01:35:05,640 --> 01:35:07,910
Yeah, it was absolutely like some
of the best times of my life.

1923
01:35:07,920 --> 01:35:09,280
You were an amazing mom.

1924
01:35:09,360 --> 01:35:11,157
Which is fine.
I feel good.

1925
01:35:11,240 --> 01:35:13,310
It's nuts being a mom, guys.

1926
01:35:13,560 --> 01:35:16,233
Raising kids is
an amazing experience.

1927
01:35:16,320 --> 01:35:20,438
I did some mistakes, but the end,
I can see it's not as bad.

1928
01:35:21,080 --> 01:35:23,196
They survived.
In spite of us.

1929
01:35:23,320 --> 01:35:25,231
Now, thank goodness...

1930
01:35:25,320 --> 01:35:29,632
You know, she turned out to be
the wonderful woman that she is.

1931
01:35:29,720 --> 01:35:31,119
I think
she's perfect.

1932
01:35:32,120 --> 01:35:35,669
The love that you had
when that kid was born,

1933
01:35:35,760 --> 01:35:37,796
that you didn't have...

1934
01:35:37,960 --> 01:35:39,632
It is a miracle.

1935
01:35:39,720 --> 01:35:42,234
It's the wife that she is
and the mother that she is,

1936
01:35:42,320 --> 01:35:44,197
and I'm really
proud of just her.

1937
01:35:44,960 --> 01:35:46,029
- Mom.
- Yeah.

1938
01:35:46,120 --> 01:35:48,680
She's so good, like a mom.
She's so good.

1939
01:35:48,960 --> 01:35:50,234
- Yeah.
- Thanks, Mommy.

1940
01:35:50,320 --> 01:35:52,390
So I think she's the
best mom in the world,

1941
01:35:52,480 --> 01:35:55,711
and I go, "I wish, you know,
I'd been more like that."

1942
01:35:55,800 --> 01:35:56,800
Oh.

1943
01:35:56,870 --> 01:35:58,070
- I love you.
- I love you, hon.

1944
01:35:58,080 --> 01:35:59,115
I love you, Mommy.

1945
01:36:02,600 --> 01:36:03,600
Aw.

1946
01:36:03,680 --> 01:36:05,352
You said it would
be fun, Kathryn.

1947
01:36:06,920 --> 01:36:07,955
Don't touch my makeup.

1948
01:36:08,040 --> 01:36:09,360
See this shit?