SCENE 4 - THE FOREST

(Bigfoot sneaks off alone through the forest. A spotlight follows him. Everything else is black.)

BIGFOOT
All I have to do is be strong. I can learn to live in the forest. I’m not scared. Hear me,

scary things that I can’t see?

MUSIC CUE 5: FOREST

BIGFOOT
IN THE NIGHT TIME IN THE FOREST IT GETS DARK AND IT GETS COLD

IN THE NIGHT TIME IN THE FOREST YOU’VE NEVER FELT MORE ALONE LIKE THE
DARKNESS THAT CONSUMES ALL YOU SEE

HAS SWALLOWED YOU WHOLE

LIKE THE DARKNESS THAT CONSUMES ALL YOU SEE

HAS CONSUMED YOUR SOUL

(spoken)

Aaaah! What IS that? I feel like something touched me!

(sung)
IN THE NIGHT TIME IN THE FOREST YOU SEARCH

BUT YOU FIND NO LIGHT

IN THE NIGHT TIME IN THE FOREST YOU WONDER

IF MOMMY’S ALRIGHT
YOU WONDER IF YOU CAN SURVIVE, SURVIVE THESE COLD NIGHTS YOUR BODY
GETS FILLED WITH TONS OF BUG BITES—

(spoken)
I think another animal is tasting me! Oh God, don’t eat me! I would feed your family

for so long!
(sung)

IN THE NIGHT TIME IN THE FOREST YOU HAVE GOT TO BE BRAVE

IN THE NIGHT TIME IN THE FOREST IS ALL ABOUT HOW YOU BEHAVE ALONE IN
THE DARKNESS YOU MUST BE YOUR OWN LIGHT
ALONE IN THE DARKNESS YOU KNOW EVERYTHING’S ALL—
(Music stops. JOANNE has entered in the darkness. A shotgun held by Joanne presses against
Bigfoot’s temple. He puts his hands up.)

JOANNE

D m.

BIGFOOT
Oh God, forest animals can talk!

JOANNE

M t e…
(she drops the gun)

O G, y c r m t!

BIGFOOT

Please don’t kill me!

JOANNE

S r m t!

BIGFOOT

I’m so scared!

JOANNE

S i!

BIGFOOT
I’m not reading your thoughts!

JOANNE

P i!

BIGFOOT
Your name is Terry, you’re from Pennsylvania, and you love golf.

JOANNE
O, t G. T w w o. I w t a h t C h n s r i H F P. I g I d h t s y t. A, h! H l h t g b e o y?

BIGFOOT

Not at all that I know of.

JOANNE

Y p t.

BIGFOOT
Aren’t you scared of me? People who haven’t seen me before usually scream.

JOANNE

Y d s m.

BIGFOOT

Why not?

JOANNE

I n s o a t d w p.

BIGFOOT

Bears don’t wear pants.

JOANNE

A t d d b.

BIGFOOT

Ha ha ha ha ha! They don’t!

JOANNE

Y a h r k e. A, y a q f. I l t.

BIGFOOT

(Gasp!)

JOANNE

W w?
BIGFOOT
I’ve never been complimented before.

JOANNE

W a y o h i t m o t f s l a n?

BIGFOOT
I thought I was gonna get killed by an angry mob.

JOANNE

N k! M t!

BIGFOOT

Why?

JOANNE

I s e T t r t t f t m c t g h o A.

BIGFOOT
You’re the Night-Smasher?! Wow! I thought you were a legend!

JOANNE

I c s t s f y. T w a r a a b h b l o t e o t. I b i, b t a I t J C i a e-d w.

BIGFOOT

Cool!

JOANNE

Y. F s w e p I v s a. H?

BIGFOOT

Yes.

JOANNE

W t c b t m c w m? G s p r c.
BIGFOOT
Are you sure you want me in your house? No one else does.

JOANNE

A. M t w i y w p.

(Mayor wakes up in the background of this scene. He watches as Bigfoot and Joanne leave. He
tries to get up, is too drunk, goes back to sleep.)

SCENE 6 - BIGFOOT’S HOUSE

~SCENE~

FRANCINE
Okay. I’ll just stay here then. Sick. On the floor. By myself.

(beat) Everyone is an asshole.

(Shift to Joanne’s place, where Bigfoot and Joanne are finishing the roast she made. They’ve
fashioned some pants for Bigfoot out of some old cloth and a rope.)

BIGFOOT

That was delicious. What was it made of?

JOANNE

Y k w b a?

BIGFOOT

Yeah.

JOANNE

W t l v o t a w t s t e g.

BIGFOOT

Rump pum diddly yum yum yum! That feels great in my tum tum tum!

JOANNE

(laughs) Y c.
BIGFOOT
Maybe. I am the one who took food from a stranger. For all I know it could be poison.

JOANNE

O i i p.

BIGFOOT

WHAT?!

JOANNE

T w w p, s! E s t R b t H a t S O. W d y t p d l a l a t d i t B a? I t w, m. I g h t t w p a p a w p a a p
t b p.

(This makes her wonder about Bigfoot. She gives him a long look and eventually comes to the
conclusion that he’s human.)

MUSIC CUE 7: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW

JOANNE
E Y S T G C H, T W Y T L O T G A I F

T M O, T T T P T L

E O O T H O T M, Y C E S T U

BTHTFYTKTT

Y-Y-YDEKWH

I Y T I, T F Y O, T C W Y T A

TTOTMYTII

P, M… M I R, G G R N T S A N

W Y E A C, B O T A O W

Y-Y-YDEKWH

M I A D T, M I A L

I C B L Y, H I M I, U O I D

Y - Y - Y D E K W H. Y - Y - Y D E K W H.

(spoken)
Y, w g h t l t s t s l i y g t s a h.

BIGFOOT

You mean...I can stay?

JOANNE

I d s w n. Y n. A u w m t p g s t, r?

(She sticks out her hand for him to shake. He wildly shakes her hand. She falls to the ground. He
gently picks her up. As he holds her close, they have a moment.)

BIGFOOT

This might be the greatest day of my life.

(The Doctor bursts in ahead of the sound of the oncoming mob.)

DOCTOR
Run! This is by far the worst day of your life!

BIGFOOT

Mister Doctor?!

DOCTOR (trying to catch his breath)

How...do you not...still know...what to call me...

BIGFOOT
It’s great to see you, Mister Doctor! What are you doing here? How’d you find me?

DOCTOR
Oh well I followed the wind out of the southwest and remembers my Army training

YOU’RE A SEVEN-FOOT MAN BEAST. YOU KIND OF STICK OUT.

JOANNE

Q b r o I s y y b, m!

DOCTOR

Who’s this?!
BIGFOOT
This is Joanne. She’s...my friend. That might be the greatest sentence I’ve ever...

DOCTOR
Good, great, not now. They’re coming for you, boy. The whole town led by the wet-brained flask
of a mayor. They mean to kill you and they are just fired up enough to do it.

JOANNE

W f e!

DOCTOR
There’s too many! We gotta hide the boy ‘cause if they find this clearing he’s toast.

JOANNE

N t w! H c h i t c t I k m e i. N m a h h t e t s a p t.

DOCTOR
Genius! In you go, big guy. And stay quiet. We’ll do the talking.

BIGFOOT
You guys would do all this for me? You might be the greatest friend in the whole...

DOCTOR

How about you make a card for us later?

BIGFOOT

CAN I?! OKAY!!!

(Bigfoot leaves.)

DOCTOR
What a sweet boy. Too bad he looks like Smokey the Bear had sex with Chewbacca.

JOANNE

W a t? H-r m o t T-L C?

DOCTOR

What? No, they’re fictional characters. Come on. A whip smart survivalist like yourself must
know that. Only a brilliant mind could have come up with such great camouflage.

JOANNE

O t w n. I w I u t h w G M s t N W G t h m t.
DOCTOR
Oh I was wrong you’re a lunatic. Why don’t you keep our boy company in the tarps?

JOANNE

O.
(Joanne joins Bigfoot.)

MAYOR

Hellooooo?

MAYOR
Hulk Hogan will never do anything bad!

(When he’s gone, the Doctor beckons Bigfoot and Joanne out.)

(The townspeople come back and carry him offstage. As they leave, Mayor drunkenly leads them
in singing “Real American” (Hulk Hogan’s old theme song).)

JOANNE

I c b t w!

DOCTOR
Don’t be too surprised. One man might be dumb, but a group of people is the stupidest thing on
Earth. You should be safe for awhile. Keep a low profile. If you’re lucky, everyone will forget
about you and who knows, you might get what every man wants, son.

BIGFOOT

What’s that?

DOCTOR

Peace. G’night you two. If you need me, you know where I am. (Doctor exits.)

BIGFOOT

What a beautiful night. I don’t remember—

(Doctor pokes his head back in.)

DOCTOR

Was it really cool when I was like, “Peace...”?

JOANNE/BIGFOOT

R c. / Totally. Cool.

(Doctor exits.)

BIGFOOT
What a beautiful night. I don’t remember ever seeing this many stars in all my life. I hope Mama
can see them. It’s like everything that ever happened to me was so I could have this moment.

JOANNE
W c h i. R? Y n a a. W t c?

BIGFOOT

Celebrate what?

JOANNE
Y n l. O h i t f a a l. P w r b y d b s t l y n r d a. Y f n a a l d a t.

BIGFOOT

What’s that?

JOANNE

M. I m i m o o t s, m, m, a t r-o f t c p d. T a s.

(Bigfoot has a sip and coughs hard.)

BIGFOOT
OH MY GOD. Can I have some more?

JOANNE

S! H t n r.

(The both toast each other, then cough like crazy.)

BIGFOOT

You really taste the chlorine!

JOANNE

T. I d w t h t m t. I w t r w i f l t b a w y. R n.
MUSIC CUE 9: WHEN YOU COME AROUND

BIGFOOT
WHEN YOU COME AROUND I FEEL LIKE I’VE FOUND A NEW REASON

TO HOWL AT THE MOON

WHEN YOU COME AROUND I FEEL LIKE I’VE FOUND A NEW REASON

TO ACT LIKE A BUFFOON

I THOUGHT THAT I WAS DONE FOR, BUT NOW THAT MY ONE IS TWO

YOU’RE A REASON THAT I WON’T UPROOT TREES JUST TO SEE IF I CAN

JOANNE

WYCAIFLIFANRTS

WYCAIFLIGTBLFA

I T T I W D F, B N T M O I T Y

ARIWLOTGACUITU

NMS

BIGFOOT

NO MORE SADNESS

JOANNE

OL

BIGFOOT
ONLY LIGHT

JOANNE

NMP

BIGFOOT

NO MORE FLEAS

JOANNE

F N O, E J R
BOTH
BOOO BA BA PA PA POO POO — M R I Y

BOOO BA BA PA PA POO POO — YOU’RE MY REASON, TOO

SHA LA LA LA LA LOO LOO BOO BA BA PA PA POO GOO GOO FLIB IT ON THE
JOBBERTY PIB LIB GRUB IT ON A BUNCHA LOO YOU’RE MY REASON — YOU’RE
MY REASON — MY REASON IS YOU

SCENE 10 - JOANNE’S PLACE

(Bigfoot fixes the house as Joanne walks in.)

JOANNE

Y g t s t b o, t , y c g t h.

BIGFOOT
Oh. I’ve been just putting my hand into the hive.

JOANNE

D y g s?

BIGFOOT

Yeah! It’s like my hand gets to taste it!

JOANNE

W, s t o f n o, o?

BIGFOOT

Okay.
(beat)

Joanne?

JOANNE
Y, B?

BIGFOOT
It’s a wonderful feeling to be with you here in nature. Moving into your cabin is the best thing
that’s ever happened to me.

JOANNE
M, t! F. S t t t, s w a r h t.

BIGFOOT

You’ve given me more than that.

JOANNE

A home?

BIGFOOT

A home.

(Doctor walks in.)

DOCTOR
Bigfoot. I’m glad you’re home. I just saw your mother. She looked...

BIGFOOT

Beautiful?

DOCTOR
Almost dead.

BIGFOOT
That can’t be! I love her too much for her to die!
DOCTOR
Well, that’s not how love or death works. Maybe you should go to her.

BIGFOOT

She said not to.

DOCTOR
Well, now she says to to.

BIGFOOT
If my Mama died, Joanne, I just don’t think I could take it.

JOANNE

Y h t g t h, b d w, w a g w y.

BIGFOOT
Thanks, you guys. You’re the best friends I’ve ever had.

(Doc and Joanne are moved.)

BIGFOOT
Oops. Did I say “best?” I meant ONLY. But, “best” works, too. Maybe Mama will see me and
she’ll get all over! I’ll make her so happy that she can’t be sick anymore!

DOCTOR

I think you need to prepare for the worst.

JOANNE

W, t, t w w b i t e h c d a t t a b o p h d f n.

DOCTOR
Way to be a team player. I’ll get my supplies and meet you there.
JOANNE

I h y.
(They exit.)

FRANCINE
It’s okay, baby. you can say it. I’m going away. Everybody has to eventually and I’ve

been sick longer than I’ve been well. It’s my time. Besides, I hear you’ve got someone special to
look after you now.

(Joanne appears.)

JOANNE

M? I i m? I s t b m? I p m.

FRANCINE
Come out here, dear, let me have a look at you. Well, you’re beautiful. My boy is a very
lucky...boy. Come close.
(Joanne comes close to Francine. Francine grabs her by the shirt.)

FRANCINE
I swear on everything holy if you break his heart I will come back from whatever hell I’m in as a
sick-ass ghost with knives for hands. I will turn you inside OUT.

JOANNE

C! I m, y c c o m, m.

(From outside we hear the sound of the townsfolk mob.)

MAYOR
THIS WAY, MY FRIENDS! BY GOD, WE’VE FOUND HIM!

DOCTOR
Damn! They’re here! I’ll distract them - try to throw them off the trail.

JOANNE

I h! I l p a c d w a s p t C s t g p o m r.

DOCTOR
Okay sure. We’ll be right back, you two.

(Francine lets her go and beckons for Bigfoot.)

-SHOOT AWAY-

IF THIS TOWN DOES MUCH BETTER THAN EVER BEFORE BUT THE PRICE YOU PAY
IS MY WASTED LIFE ON THE FLOOR THEN, JUST IGNORE ME
SHOOT AWAY — SHOOT AWAY — SHOOT AWAY

(TOURISTS enter. Their view of Bigfoot is obstructed.)

TOURIST
Was that the monster? Did we just miss him?

JOANNE

W a y?!
TOURIST 2
Oh we came as soon as we heard there might be a monster in the forests of Mud Dirt. We’re
cryptozoological enthusiasts.

MAN 1

That word frightens me.

DOCTOR

Monster chasers!

TOURIST

That’s right! We’ve gone to see the Loch Ness Monster, the Chupacabra, and the Abominable
Snowman! Now, because of Bigfoot, your town was all over the news.

(News crew enters, a NEWSPERSON and CAMERAMAN.)

NEWSPERSON
These weirdos are right. Once we got that picture we got a bunch more of the

surrounding area from our friends at GM. They took a bunch from their helicopters they sent in
to try to harvest teeth.

JOANNE

I k i!!

NEWSPERSON

Anyway you’re sitting on a gold mine of monster-news, people.

TOURIST
Oh yeah! My friends and I would inject lavish amounts of money into the local economy to try to
spot an honest to goodness monster boy.
DOCTOR
Enough to, maybe, say, stave off having the entire town foreclosed on and sold to a water park
developer?

TOURIST
That’s incredibly specific but sure why not.

BIGFOOT
Holy moly! Am I saving the town?!

JOANNE

S q! Y h t r m!!

BIGFOOT

Oh right.

JOANNE

T s t w! T F o t F l o M D! T M L b m a b! C y f h! C y c h! C y a t v r r o n h a f e i o f t?

TOURIST #2

I’ll try, probably not, and definitely!

TOURIST
We’d definitely do that unless someone were to sell him out for their own benefit right now,
exposing him so that he could be captured and turned over to science for brutal experiments.

(Everyone is silent. No one knows what they’re going to do. Paul breaks the silence.)

MAN 1 (pointing outside)

He went thattaway!

MAYOR

No he’s right...

(Joanne punches the Mayor in the face.)

...T!

TOURIST

Thank you, unkept stranger! Come on, Leanne!

(The Tourists leave. The News Crew is right behind them.)

NEWSPERSON

We’d better follow them! What a story!

DOCTOR
Aren’t there more important things you could be reporting on?

NEWSPERSON

Probably.

(Newsperson leaves)

JOANNE

(To Bigfoot) Y c c o n, h. T s a g.

MAN 2 (PAUL) That’s right, son. No one out here... (puts out his hand) ...but your friends.

BIGFOOT
I really wish you people would pick a lane here. I still feel like you’re going to try to kill me six
minutes from now.
MAN 1
No no that’s all over. Your speech made us all realize what absolutely high level black belt shit
heads we’ve been being about this whole thing. You saved the town just by living, boy. That at
the very least deserves friendship.

(Bigfoot shakes his hand)

BIGFOOT
Gosh. Thank you all so much. I just...I wish Mama were here to see this. This…this was her
dream too.
(walks over to his mother)

She’s really gone, Doc?

DOCTOR
I’m afraid so, son.

BIGFOOT
The world changed for me, Mama. We did it.

(Bigfoot leans down and kisses his Francine on the forehead. She quite unexpectedly springs
back to life.)

FRANCINE
GAAAAAASP my word what happened?! Where am I?! Son? Joanne? Town?

JOANNE

I a m! B l b h m b t l!
(Beat.)

DOCTOR
All right well fuck it fine that’s it that tears it! I give up everything I say gets disproven around
here so I give all the way the fuck up.
JOANNE

B s a!

DOCTOR
Yeah good fine great you know what rules don’t apply and biological laws don’t matter in this
stupid town so I am done all done absolutely one hundred percent done I’m opening a bed and
breakfast and cashing in you people can live by whatever screwball logic keeps this place
running I’m out.

BIGFOOT

Thank you, Mister Doctor!

DOCTOR

Fuuuuuuuck all y’all.

FRANCINE
Well, what do we do now kids?

BIGFOOT

I’ve got a lot of friends to help, Mama!

FRANCINE

Friends?!

BIGFOOT
Yeah! And I gotta save their town...by hiding in the woods!

MAYOR
Yeah we’re all friends an we’ll be friends forever!

BIGFOOT
(still cheerful) Leave before I beat you to death!

MAYOR

(Scene shifts from Francine’s bedroom to the Town Square, exactly as it was at the top of Act
One but now brightly lit and happy. The Newsperson stands in the middle of the square.)

NEWSPERSON
It’s a town known as Mud Dirt, where the local pastimes used to be dying of untreated oral
diseases and having sex with a man named Daryl’s wife.

MAN 2

(offstage) Oh come on.

NEWSPERSON
Lately, however, you could call it GOLD Dirt, as the people of this garbage town

have cashed in on what they’re calling The Bigfoot Craze. Monster hunters from miles have
flocked to the burg to try to catch a glimpse of the furry giant rumored to patrol these woods and
now the town everyone counted out flourishes with new money and under the guidance of
newly-elected mayor Joanne Stopaskingmemylastname.

(Joanne enters wearing the Mayor’s sash.)

JOANNE

T n m l n! I w I w p t a d!

NEWSPEOPLE
Mayor Joanne, what’s your secret to turning this Bigfoot bonanza into big business?

JOANNE

A s s o f r, a w s f a o v a a f e p s t B G s D F o t t o c b i f f t t m!
NEWSPERSON

Couldn’t have said it better. Any other tips?

JOANNE

J s t t a v s, v h m w y c m m a w r n m h m y t m!

NEWSPERSON
Thanks, Mayor. As for me, I’m off to grab one of Mud Dirty’s world famous Bleach-a-ritas.
Back to you in the Channel 9 Newsroom, Phil!

(Newsperson exits. Joanne watches him leave, then waves to the opposite side of the stage.
Bigfoot comes bounding in with Francine just behind.)

BIGFOOT
Oh wow, mom, look! It’s such a beautiful day! I don’t know anyone in the whole wide world
luckier than me!

FRANCINE
Sweetheart slow down you’ll trip and fall down into a hole that’s opened in the Earth for some
reason.

BIGFOOT
Aw, come on, Mom. Nothing that bad could happen in Mud Dirt now. Could it?

FRANCINE
I used to think that’s all that could happen. Not anymore. Now you be a good and nice boy to
everyone and scare the hell out of tourists, okay?

BIGFOOT

You got it, Mom! (then)

You okay, Mom?

FRANCINE
I don’t think I’ve ever been better! See you at home!

BIGFOOT
Man, I can’t wait to see all the great people that live in and visit this town! Having friends is my
favorite! Hi, bird from safe distance! Hi, tree I’ve learned to touch with the appropriate amount
of force! Hi, place that used to sell pipes for tobacco and now sells gelato. Hello especially to
you Bouncy’s Gentlemen’s Club. Your business model is foolproof!

(Doctor enters) Good morning, Mister Doctor!

DOCTOR
It’s James Sterling, Bigfoot! I’ve made it very clear I no longer practice medicine.

BIGFOOT
I learned it one way and I’ll never change! Where you off to, Mister Doctor?

DOCTOR
Off to drop off this big-ass pile of money at the bank, you big hairy cash-cow!

BIGFOOT

Have fun, Mister Doctor!

DOCTOR

Those are two titles but I’m too rich to care!

(Mayor and Joanne enter. Mayor now works as the town drunk/kook.)

BIGFOOT
Hi, former Mayor. Hi, Girlfriend Mayor!

JOANNE
H, B C C!

BIGFOOT
What are you two up to, other than being the prettiest civic leader there is?

JOANNE

W s t f w v o u i a r v a t j f f b p h n a n j, a s I t M, w n a o k!

MAYOR
The UFOs are were Germany keeps their gold! The President is a reptile! Jesus was an avatar of
fourth dimension space birds! The Pope is a Houston Astro! You can learn all this and more if
you come to my Firebird! It’s on blocks so I can’t move!

BIGFOOT
Everyone got what they wanted!

JOANNE

Y!

MAYOR

Not at all!

BIGFOOT
And all I had to do was go out into the woods and be myself!

BIGFOOT
Today might just turn out to be my favorite day!

(Joanne gives him a kiss on the cheek)

Yup!