Emotional - Age PDF

Emotional Age Awareness A-2 1
Flying Awareness - The Key to Balancing Your Life
BOOK A -2
Flying Higher with Emotional

Age Awareness
A new understanding that sets you free to fly higher, self-empowered
and self aware
A publication in the Flying Awareness Series
Books in the Flying Awareness and Growing Awareness Series that bring you
exciting new ways to:
discover the person you really are - become the true you and realise
your potential for living
find more love, freedom, success and real joy in your life
grow and enrich your relationships - create new intimacy
increase your self confidence and self esteem
Plus
effective healing for your deepest emotional pain and sorrow
overcoming blockages that limit your personal growth and success
create a new and deeper bond with your partner
John Bligh Nutting
SELF-AWARENESS SELF -EMPOWERMENT MAKING CHANGES FLYING FREE
Copyright © John Bligh Nutting and Growing Awareness Pty Ltd © 1997 -2013 All rights reserved World Wide.
Please read the final page in this book for information about authorisation for using or reproducing this material.
Table of Contents Book A -2
Flying Higher with Emotional Age Awareness

A new understanding that sets you free to fly higher, self-empowered and
self aware
What is Control? What is Power? ................................................................................................................ 3

Power and control issues and Emotional Awareness ................................................................................... 3
Testing for power - the ‘finger in the socket’ test .......................................................................................... 6
Case studies
Flexible Fred vs. Know-it-all Nola ................................................................................................................. 8
George King ................................................................................................................................................ 9
When a Young Protector is Working too Hard - Thoughts, actions, words and feelings ............................. 13
The power of non-verbal communication .................................................................................................... 16
What background signals communicate ..................................................................................................... 19
Flying Free and Standing Strong with Emotional Age Awareness (EA) ....................................................... 20
It is not the Universe ‘picking on you’ again and again ...... ........................................................................ 21
Accessing and sharing your real feelings .................................................................................................... 23
These are not ‘real’ feelings ....................................................................................................................... 24
Aware Grown Up Emotions and feelings .................................................................................................... 24
How do I Create my Own EA Profile ? ....................................................................................................... 26
What I need do to get it working for me ..................................................................................................... 26
Copying this publication - special permissions and Restrictions ................................................................. 33
4 Flying Awareness Series
Power and control issues Power can only be totally turned off when
and Emotional Awareness you are in the closest and safest of
Persuasion, pressure and connections, such as intimate linkage. This
manipulation is, of course, one of the reasons why this
kind of connection feels so good. It’s also
Extended from condensed notes in Book A-1
why intimacy stops at the very moment that
either partner starts even to think about
In any relationship, any interaction, personal or power or vulnerability
impersonal, partnership or conditional, close
or distant, there are background issues that are
hard to escape. One of the most basic of these There are many different sources of power
including authority power, expert power,
is the question of who controls each aspect of
senior power, and the most common of all
that interaction and how this affects each which is reward-punishment power.
person’s vulnerability. This, of course, just
In the case studies you will notice that for a
happens to be one of the areas of constant
start some people felt that they had no power
worry for the younger protectors.
and no control but as they started to exercise
their EA skills their real power and control
increased rapidly. You’ll notice that when
What is Control? What is Power? people are stuck in their PYRO zone it’s very
It’s important that we are both on the same easy for other people to exert power over them,
page when we’re talking about complex issues even manipulate them. EA is in itself a powerful
like power and control. Here are two well- skill and as you learn to use it you become an
recognised definitions. expert using that skill in a way other people
Control particularly manipulators find it very hard to
counter. You hold the stronger power.
In simple terms control is the actual ability to
make things happen and get things done. In any Why look at power and control issues?
situation if you can do that then you are in One reason for looking at power and control
control of that event. is that the more you understand about them
However to be more accurate we need to add a and the more accurately you can identify each
little more to this definition. It’s not just a kind and where it comes from, the better use
matter of making things happen or getting you can make of it to gain cooperation and
them done somehow. Full control means that make effective decisions.
things happen when I wanted them to happen, Provided you use your own power in a fair,
how I wanted them to happen and where I honest and positive way it’s a sensible approach
wanted them to happen. Usually full control for encouraging win-win solutions and Aware
means that if other people were involved they and grown-up co-operation.
played their part in the way I wanted them to.
The other reason is that it helps you to be aware
What is ‘power’? of the ways others may be trying to use or abuse
Power is the capacity or ability to exercise their power to control you. Simply put, that
control. So someone can have power over you, means when somebody tries to exert power or
it doesn’t mean that they’re controlling you all control over you, as happens about a hundred
the time. But it does mean that whenever they times a day, you are in a better position to
want to control you it is within their power to decide whether to resist or comply quietly. You
make you do things the way they want them will be less likely to get triggered or over-react
done and how and when they want you to do from the PYRO zone, positively the worst place
those things. to try dealing with power and control issues.
Different kinds of power

EA is a power management skill and as
It helps to know exactly the sort of power you you learn to use it you become an expert
are up against in each case so you can identify using that skill in a way other people
the real source of that power, how each works, particularly manipulators find very hard to
how honest it is, the best way to work with that counter. You hold the stronger power.
kind of power and what to avoid doing.
Reward-penalty power
Most forms of power carry with them an inbuilt romance, or a general reputation for being a
capacity for meeting people’s needs and desires. trusted and valuable friend, these are each
One common source of power is the direct ability sources of real power and that power belongs
as in business, law or in a family to exchange to you.
rewards and benefits. Money provides this kind Expert power can also be connected to more
of power since it offers an easy way of giving personal qualities, strength, charm, height or
rewards. physical fitness. Expert power plays a major part
A penalty is just using power in the opposite in deciding who controls what in any
way by withholding rewards, thus making life relationship, whether personal or in business
less rewarding for someone, hence the term based.
‘reward-penalty power’. One problem is that while you may hold expert
power one day it can disappear in a flash if
Authority (or position) power
another individual who has more expertise than
Authority power is linked to an official position
you (in your special area of expertise or skill)
in an organisation or rank in a system. Your
appears on the scene. All the power is quickly
life will certainly be affected by pressures
transferred to them.
applied almost every day by people around you
who have authority power. The power does not Seniority or referent power
belong to the person, but is ‘lent’ to them on a A grandparent - in fact, any elder (someone who
temporary basis by the organisation that holds has been a member of a long term group far
the real power. This is why the person needs a longer than anyone else) is often consulted by
uniform, special headgear, a badge, a title such those with less experience. The senior person is
as ‘president’ or a sign on their office door to seen as a ‘point of reference’, allowing them to
show they are the temporary power holder. wield more power in addition to any other
It helps to know when you are up against powers they might have.
authority power, because authority power is the Shared power
one most open to abuse at the hands of In aware grown-up relationships, more by
individuals who come to believe that it is they friendly agreement rather than negotiation,
who are powerful. Individuals with a small specific areas of power can be allocated to one
amount of authority power typically try to person who might for example control the
extend this to boost their self-esteem. household budget. The other partner is given
Most people if they are under the influence of
their needy young protectors will give away
70% to 90% of their rights and power when Avoid labelling people as
bluffed by an authority figure who says “You ‘manipulators’
have to ... ..” . More often than not that claim Try not to use the word ‘manipulator’ as a label
is exaggerated or even untrue. (See the “Finger for people who use this form of control. While
in the Socket test) they may choose to use a dishonest form of
Expert power persuasion they are still people. They don’t
manipulate all the time, and hanging the label on
Anyone skilled in a particular technique holds
them does nothing to help fix the problem or
a special kind of power. Any skills, knowledge
even identify what is really going on. Manipulating
or expertise in short supply is a source of expert
is what they are doing not who they are.
power and control. As long as you can
demonstrate real expertise in health, art,
computers, driving, writing, finance or
more power to settle disputes between children unfair advantage over others who choose not
(‘Ask your father’). One organises household to employ the method. It is a often adopted by
clean-ups, the other holidays. By common those who feel too vulnerable about losing and
agreement each person holds decision making care more about preventing this happening than
power over the other in some specific areas, but whether the outcome is fair and equitable.
not all aspects. Example: You are facing an angry manipulative
To work well, this requires strong aware grown- client who, as well as refusing to pay an overdue
up boundaries and high self esteem. If the account is now making a counter-claim against
young protectors get too involved, shared power you for sexual harassment. It’s understandable
systems collapse. if you feel fearful even though you know that
Charismatic power and manipulation this is a complete fabrication.
Charismatic power is based on the belief that Many people in these circumstances feel they
the ‘charismatic person’ has special, even just might be somehow partly to blame, or just
magical and very positive strengths or abilities. fearing the adverse publicity of a harassment
As long as other people believe in those positive case. If they offer to reduce the account to make
powers, the potential for controlling those peace, they are being manipulated.
individuals remains strong, even if there is no The following are some typical signs that may
real source of power behind the belief! Health help you identify manipulation.
professionals or counsellors who achieve good
results are often then attributed with having this • The victim is usually not even be aware that he or
kind of positive power. she is being manipulated. They may even believe
that perhaps they are somehow in the wrong when
As children we initially believe our parents (and clearly they are not.
other primary care-givers) have a similar kind
of power. Even when they abuse this power, • The active manipulator whether intentionally or
small children cannot see it as abuse. The belief unintentionally, gains an unfair advantage.
is stronger than the reality. • An appeal or benefit is offered in return for the
The manipulation set up victim’s co-operation, but it turns out to be
This in turn sets the abused child up for practically worthless or non-existent.
situations in future where they can be • As well as the threatened loss of tangible items
manipulated by anyone who they believe has (money, time, privacy, professional status,
control over them. Whether it is the power of a personal freedom), the victim’s feelings and
lover, a teacher, a lawyer, a salesperson or an personal rights are also undermined.
abuser, if the belief is there then the sense of This ‘false benefit’ in return for co-operation is
being unable to resist will seem very real. usually nothing more than regaining something
Manipulation is just a mirror opposite of (security, friendship, reputation or respect) that
charismatic power. It is based on a belief that appeared to have been taken away from you at
is not really true about a power that really does the start of the manipulative process. This is the
not exist. It is aided by core beliefs by the basis of the manipulator’s ‘trick’ and one that
victims that they have little or no ability to resist unfortunately most young protectors cannot see
the manipulation of the energy of the through.
controlling person. Example: The manipulator blames you for
Dealing with manipulation something you have not done and withdraws
The term ‘manipulation’ does not apply to every their love or respect for you. ‘You have made me
situation in which people are forced to do unhappy’. So for the sake of peace you give them
something they don’t want to. It refers only to whatever they demand to ‘make them happy
emotional appeals that are used in dishonest again’. As a reward they ‘give you back’ the love
ways to persuade and influence others or gain and respect they took away at the start.
agreement unfairly. Note, however, that should a person be fully
Manipulation is a form of cheating, a bluff or aware that a threat is real, not a bluff, doesn’t
underhand strategy that gives one person an like what is being suggested, but agrees under
pressure to co-operate in return for a real benefit same person will try it again. Each time it works
(such as keeping the partnership together) this for them they will see it as part of your ‘training’
is more of an abuse of reward-penalty power until you automatically hand your power over
rather than manipulation. to them as often as they say they need it.
Personal crisis manipulation. Unacceptable forms of control
Treating an ordinary problem as a ‘personal It is important not to confuse the term ‘power’
crisis helps the individual to pass the problem as described on the previous pages with the use
on to others, a pattern known as ‘learned of negative methods such as threats, force,
helplessness’. You may notice that the victim’s extreme pressure and outright abuse or
problems occur more often when the people aggression. They have no place in relationships,
who usually come to the rescue are close by. nor are they legitimate means of persuasion. Use
Manipulative games of non-legitimate power is signalled by the
In many of these ‘crisis’ situations, two people following patterns.
repeat a similar set of victim-rescuer activities Folding but staying
on a regular basis. Each person plays the same Folding is what you do when you feel that you
role each time, and both somehow seem to be have no power or have no room to negotiate. It
unconsciously hooked into repeating the event has one minor benefit in that you do stay in the
a week or a month later. This is known as a relationship and the fighting stops leaving you
‘manipulative game’. with another chance to seek a better deal later
on.
These games can continue only as long as either
part remains convinced that they must join in Compliance
or that to refuse to play would cause even more Compliance is less-than-willing acceptance by
harm or suffering which would again be their one person that another has more power on that
fault. The best defence is to recognise and issue. However compliance is not always a ‘total
identify the process. back-down’; it can be a matter of choosing
‘second best’ position rather than other worse
If you think you are getting caught up in such a
alternatives.
situation.
Submission
• Avoid becoming emotionally involved, Submission, on the other hand, is the complete
instead, try an ‘Aware Grown-up to-Aware surrender of one partner to another, with no
Grown up’ response such as levelling as compromise. The loser is denied the right to
explained in Book G-9 on Communication negotiate or even to choose a stage at which to
Skills. comply. Total submission is seldom a satisfactory
• do not accept the false idea that a person with result for either partner.
a problem has the right to insist others share Do not give your power away
it.
Recognise the differences between legitimate and
• stop responding altogether - walk quietly away non-legitimate power, between real power and
from the situation, it takes two players to keep manipulation.
the game going. If you restrict or fail to apply your everyday
• remind yourself that you have the right to legitimate powers in the belief that this is
control your own feelings, do not give this right somehow pushy or ‘not quite nice’ you are really
away to anyone, especially manipulative game just giving them away - a costly but common
players. mistake.
• do not try to rescue a person while he or she
is caught up playing a ‘victim’ role (whether
or not it is you who is being held to blame
for a problem if it was not of your making).
Once you allow this kind of false control to
succeed even just one time you can expect the
Testing for power - the You explain ‘I’m planning to go home early
‘finger in the socket’ test this afternoon and finish the report tomorrow.
Can you see any problems with that?
The unusual name comes from a simple Unless there really is a reason or penalty,
though not very sound analogy. One way to and the person can describe it to you, then
find out for sure, whether the electricity you have good reason to believe that he or
(power) is really on would be to stick your she has not sufficient power or authority and
finger in the light socket hoping there is no cannot control your movements.*
power so you won’t get a shock. It would be Red light warning. Typically sentences used
safer, instead if you could ask someone by people who are bluffing begin with “You
‘What kind of a shock will I get if I put my finger will have to ....” or “You must ....”
in the socket?’ A ‘rule’ or a command that has no means of
In the same sense, you need a similar test to enforcement or no penalty for failing to
help when you think someone is bluffing follow it, is not really a rule, it is a guideline.
or laying claim to power that they do not really But some people seem to enjoy turning
have, telling you that you cannot do guidelines into ‘rules’. The ‘finger-in-the-
something or must do something and yet socket’ test reduces their ability to
what they suggest just does not make sense. manipulate or bluff you into giving your
Your instinct tells you their ‘power’ is not power away.
really on.. If the answer to your finger in the socket
The test is simply to ask the question “If I do question reveals that there really is a penalty,
it (or refuse to do it), what is the actual penalty? for example loss of a contract, then you have
Imagine for example where a senior person, discovered the power is ‘on.’ If you really do
but someone who has no authority over you need to go home early you might try moving
tells you, ‘You have to stay and work late today. into a more aware grown-up line of
The manager told me she wants that report persuasion or even full negotiating mode.
finished as soon as possible.’ You believe this is
just an attempt to exercise unwarranted * If you allow this kind of false control to
control over you by someone who likes succeed even just one time you can expect the
bossing others around. same person will try it again and again. Each
This is where the finger-in-the-socket test time it works for them they will see it as part
comes in. If someone else’s rules or of your ‘training ‘ until you automatically
conditions appear to be just a power play, hand your power over to them each time, as
then as an aware grown up you have the right soon as they start telling you about their needs
to use the finger in the socket test. and what you must do about them.
Author and Publisher’s Waiver

The author and publishers of this book do not dispense or recommend medical or psychiatric advice, nor prescribe
the use of any technique as a form of treatment for any diagnosable medical or psychiatric conditions. Any such
action should only be taken either directly or indirectly on the advice of your physician or a qualified therapist.
The intent of the author and of this book is only to offer information and self awareness exercises of a general
nature to help you in your search for love, growth, freedom, understanding and emotional well-being.
In the event that you choose to use any of the information in this book or complete any of the activity sheets for
yourself, you are prescribing such activities for yourself, which is your personal right, but the author and publisher
assume no responsibility for your actions nor any outcomes claimed to be connected with what are your own
personal choices.
Case Study - he continually gave up on being his authentic

self in order to keep the peace and not rock the
Flexible Fred vs. Know-it-all boat.
Nola He knows enough about his emotional age now
to be aware that this will wind up sooner or
later with an explosion as his young fighter-
Nola is one of those people who seems to have survivor steps in to rescue him.
a ready-made opinion on just about everything. Fred’s first reaction when Nola starts offering
Doesn’t matter whether it’s health, cars, her rigid and so right views, is to remind himself
banking, babies, government or world peace, that sorting this out is “grown-ups work”. It must
Nola is quick to tell you and everyone else not be left to his young protector parts because
exactly what “they” need to do to fix the they’re just not equipped to handle someone
problem. What is also annoying is that Nola like Nola.
assumes that you will appreciate her sharing her Fred moves quickly into his green sensible
wisdom with you. She has a Facebook page so rational thinking STAR zone. From here he can
she can share that same wisdom worldwide. create some better understandings. He can see
Nola has never heard of emotional age that Nola is operating from a very young
awareness, but if she had she would emotional age herself and seems to be stuck
immediately have determined a firm “position” there.
on whether it was either amazingly good, or He can see that while Nola has very weak
hopelessly wrong. Nola doesn’t work with boundaries that his boundaries have not been
flexible options or anything in between all black strong enough either. He is getting better these
or all white. days at moving into his blue green Thinking and
Scenario one: Flexible Fred works alongside Awareness sector (aqua blue-green) and then
Nola. Fred is one of those laid-back characters on to his Balanced Awareness and Feelings
who is always open to new ideas and new ways WING zone. From there he is able to act very
of looking at things. Unfortunately in this first much more as a self-aware grown-up. His
scenario Fred has not yet come across emotional boundaries are much stronger.
age awareness, but if he did the he is the kind In particular he can now observe Nola as the
of person who would look at it and give it a try. vulnerable person she really is, desperately
Fred is constantly irritated by Nola's fixed trying to prove to the world that she knows the
opinions and her attitude that her knowledge answers, when deep down inside she must be
is so valuable that she is entitled to share it with feeling very young and very insecure and very
others whether they want are interested or not. vulnerable about ‘not knowing’.
Fred is the number one recipient of Nola's It’s probably her young fixer who imagines if
endless supply of information. He is a peaceful she can fix everyone else’s problems then she
soul so he puts up with it day after day ..... until will somehow feel more fixed inside as well!
this morning when Fred had finally had Fred doesn’t actually say anything about his
enough! understanding however he projects his
His angry fighter survivor (red) flew into a rage, awareness of the vulnerability in his body
attacked Nola with so much energy that she language and tone of voice when he is talking
finished up in tears. It was not a happy outcome to Nola.
for anyone. He notices a sudden change in Nola. She stops
Scenario two: trying to fix him and instead starts asking him
Three months later, Fred has been developing for advice.
his emotional age awareness. Nola has not
changed, but Fred’s reactions are very different
now. He can see for a start that by being overly
polite and putting up with Nola's “know it all”
approach here was actually keeping himself
stuck in his very vulnerable PYRO zone where
Case Study
The characters potrayed in these Case Studies are
George King fictional, created only to provide material for discussion.
For this reason their history and behaviour is
intentionally exaggerated. Any resemblance to persons
George King is well known for his sparkling living or dead is coincidental and unintentional. The
personality and his incredibly charming nature. author’s analysis and comments about these
He is not just a welcome guest at parties, hosts individuals do not indicate a similar approach to
emotional age patterns in any real person.
often make a point of pressuring him to attend
their functions, so they can tell others “..... of
course George K will be here.”
power of non-verbal signals to watch very carefully
George usually has a little too much to drink and make sure he does not send out too many
on those occasions but it gives everyone a ‘young emotional age’ messages. On the other hand
chance to laugh and nobody minds. That is they are unable to send out authentic self aware
everyone except George’s wife who knows that grown up signals either.
when she and George arrive home, all the charm Some of the more grown up aware people at parties
and sparkle disappear the moment they walk notice George’s Needy but Charming energy and
through the door. avoid him. Others who are, like George, driven by
At that point George turns into an angry young protectors recognise him as one of their own
immature judgemental young kid. He criticises team and encourage him.
everyone who was at the party, pointing out all In his own home George knows he is not going to
their faults and failings. Fuelled by alcohol, he be looked up to and will not get the same level of
then turns on his wife and criticises her. Often appreciation, so off come the charming young
he mumbles threats about divorce before he masks. Maintaining his cheerful and charming
masks in public is actually quite hard work for
staggers off to bed.
young protectors. That’s why as soon as he gets
The next day, happily looking forward to home they sign off for the night, and hand over to
another party, Charming George is back again. the angry ones who had been kept locked up for
He will claim he can’t remember any of his the evening.
vicious criticisms or anger the night before. He Emotional ages - Very needy, very young. It seems
is bitterly hurt if his wife mentions anything as though George deep down inside does not like
about this. Either she must be jealous of his himself very much. His young protectors help him
popularity, or she must have been drunk and wear his ‘charming’ mask when he is with people
just imagined it. who are not close to him. This seems to works
especially with the addition of alcohol. Another very
Let’s look at the number of different sectors, young part inside him, his young fighter-fixer,
colours and zones George was going through, the imagines the more he focusses on the faults in
emotional tools he was using and how his others the less chance his wife will notice his faults.
emotional age changed at each stage. But that part only comes out when it is safe to do
_______________________ this, never at a party.
Operating systems - Orange Young and needy At home it is safe for him to take his masks off. He
using full-on charming energy. Then at home a flip no longer expects to be loved by his wife who knows
over to yellow and red. The next morning unfairly deep down inside how insecure George is. His
judged victim is back to orange again supported by fighter survivor comes out however and tries to
a young fighter-fixer who maintains denial. overpower her because she knows the sad truth
about the real, not so charming George.
George is an excellent example of the way
Question: What about George’s wife? What zones
someone can spend their days appearing in
and what emotional ages might she be operating
public to be popular and successful but actually in?
living totally inside their PYRO zone. What is she unable to do for herself that keeps her
Protectors or tools - Notice how careful George is putting up with a man who she knows does not
about the messages or signals that he sends out even like himself, who drinks too much and abuses
while he is ‘on stage’. His PYRO protectors may be her?
young but very skilled at wearing masks that get __________________
his needs met by others in the short term. These
young protectors have learned enough about the
Young and Very Young Systems When this happens you often experience:
Compared with your Aware Grown Up ♦ A feeling something like the way you feel
when you have lost something important.
or WING system
♦ An even deeper sense of devastation or just
Feeling Lost and Very Vulnerable - No way
feeling totally lost, of being defeated or
out
overwhelmed.
A very vulnerable very young system will often
♦ You ask yourself questions like “Why does
feel locked in a place where there is of a lack or
this keep happening to me?”
loss of “essential resources”, the things we need
to cope with life. Thoughts and feelings like I ♦ You blame yourself
don’t have enough time, money, energy, power, skills, The Self Aware Grown-up side on the other
space, joy, love, friends, brain power are common. hand, maintains a feeling that life’s problems
When this kind of feeling is combined with an are there to be solved and that you have within
unrealistic or exaggerated sense of inner fear or you the power to work on these, because life’s
vulnerability you can be certain that your very problems are just a part of normal life.
young systems are very much involved. Reactions too fast or too intense
At these times things that you do or that people A vulnerable very young system tends to get
do with you seem to go wrong. Too often things energised very rapidly, you can often feel them
don’t turn out the way you hoped they would. ‘rev their motor like a racing car’. (See ‘Cannons,
What you hoped for or really wanted to Crucifixes, Concrete and Character’ for more
happen, or the words you really hoped about this).
someone would say remain unspoken. Instead, This intensity uses a lot of energy and is usually
what happens is the very thing you did not (but not always) directed outwards towards
want to happen. What you did not want other people, the same people who we are
someone to say or do to you is what gets said hoping will help us fix our life.
or done.. What you didn’t want to do is what This intensity may be designed to force
you do. someone to say or do something that (or so you
The Self Aware Grown-up WING side makes a believe) should make you feel better about
list of resources and looks for ways to increase yourself.
these. This helps reduce the sense of Or it may be your way of trying to force them
vulnerability back to a level that is real at the to stop doing what you don’t want them to do
time. The WING Side can see the difference to you.
between unreasonable fear (as in False Evidence We often refer to these energies as being like
Appearing Real) and real and appropriate fear cannons fired at other people.. As with real
about real dangers or events that really are likely cannons the result is usually more damage and
to cause real trouble. more war rather than more peace.
Lost and No way out – defeated Your energy levels are more intense if there is a
A vulnerable young PYRO system often has real sense of hyper vigilance resulting from
difficulty making choices or decisions, childhood trauma. The level of intensity can
heightened by a sense that a solution is just not be a useful measure of the degree of trauma
available or is blocked out. There may be a experienced in childhood
feeling of great tiredness. People say things like Other kinds of intense reactions are highly
“It’s all too much for me” “ I just can’t cope any emotional and are designed to gain support or
longer”, “I can’t work it out”. I just can’t go on” “I sympathy from onlookers or audiences.
can’t get started”. “I am lost”. “It’s too hard”, “I Some reactions are intense but hidden. The
give up”. intensity is focused inwards to hide our feelings
With the sense that those essential resources are from onlookers or audiences. Bottling up a
missing goes a loss of the confidence that within strong emotion inside you can use up even more
us we still maintain the capacity to keep on energy than other reactions.
working on our biggest problems.
The SAGE can be very powerful too, but it Trying to Persuade or Control other
builds up its energy more slowly like a diesel people
truck. The younger parts see most of life’s problems
Engaged becomes Enmeshed - too much as “outside of us” or believe that the only way
connection, too often, too intense or too to improve life is to get the ‘right help’ from
long someone else.
In particular something we all do called You may notice yourself using over-use of
‘engaging’ can become too intense. You can exaggeration, misinterpreting, over-dramatising,
engage with a friend, a partner, a client, a boss generalising or distortion (a child’s way of trying
or a customer in a positive and functional way. to get what she or he wants). These and many
That’s really just another way of saying you more similar reactions are listed in our book
concentrate your attention as closely as you on Negative Core Beliefs under the heading
need to get the most out the connection. “Triggered reactions” or “F reactions”.
Seeking Solutions that only exist Outside Deep down inside the younger parts are trying
of Me - “They” have to change, because I to improve your own negative beliefs about
can’t yourself. So you try to get a ‘better’ answer
Children understandably look to people from another person about what they believe
activities or objects outside of them for help about you or the person they believe you are.
solving problems, protection or support. Seeking this kind of audience or “onlooker”
Discussions with a needy sub personality will assistance is one of the most persistent signs of
usually include talk about why “they” need to a younger system at work.
... help me../..do what I want.../ ...make changes. But really there is nothing anyone else can do
For the WING or SAGE this is another that will help the way your younger parts feel
significant indicator that a young sub- about your or your life.
personality is driving the bus. Common thoughts from a younger system
Most younger very vulnerable systems focus about what is happening “outside” them.
excess energy or attention on another person * Whatever I need to fix my problems is “outside of
or a situation that they wish they could change. me” so things can only improve if I get the right
However this is combined with a false belief help from someone else.
that IF that person or situation changed they
* It is the other person’s fault. They need to change
would feel much better.
more than I do.
Examples.
* I wish I had the power to make my own changes
·Talking too much about all the things that are but I don’t. I can’t do anything about my problems
currently seen as ‘wrong’ with the other without someone else’s help.
person or what is ‘wrong’ with the current
* If I could only fix everyone else my life would get
situation (negative inventory or flaws galore).
better
·Trying to persuade or even force people to
The Self Aware Grown-up Side seeks positive
change themselves into the type of person
changes in others or situations but tries to work
the younger systems want them to be, wishes
in appropriate ways and chooses to work with
they were, or for them to change the situation
people/things that they are able to help change
into the way the younger systems want it to
or with people who want to make positive
be.
changes in their lives.
·Seeking negative change for example trying to
Thoughts from the WING side
disempower the other person
I have the power to fly, to make my own positive
·Seeking change that cannot happen or is
changes, to change myself the way I need to so
beyond reality
that my life is better.
A good indicator of this is in the intensity or
level of energy. Too much energy is a sign that
a Very Young System is trying to do the work of
creating change, described as “revving the
engine”.
Flipping between two wide apart and

very opposite positions - unbalanced When a Young Protector is Working too Hard
energy - Thoughts, actions, words and feelings
Any young sector can flip backwards and 1. Feeling Lost and Vulnerable - “No way out. Defeated or
forwards quite suddenly between two devastated. I can’t keep going any longer. No hope.
polarised (too far apart) points of view or No help. No Fuel. No tools.”
positions. 2. “So I have to ......” ; “So, I must ....” or similar thoughts
Sudden shifts or flips are an indicator telling feelings and actions.
the WING or SAGE that one of the younger 3. Reactions either too fast, too dramatic, too intense
parts has taken over from another younger or alternating between 3 and 4.
one. The previous part or emotional system 4. Stuck - can’t react when I need to. I want to decide
that had been driving was not having much but I just can’t. I need to move but I can’t. (often
success. Example: Flipping from overly alternating between 3 and 4)
compliant peace-keeper to a Fighter- 5. Polarised or Black and White thinking and acting.
survivor. “One moment I love him, the next I hate him”.
Flipping between two wide apart and very opposite
With the change, intensity levels can also shift
positions - “If I can’t have it all then I Fling it all
suddenly from low to high or the other way, Away. “It’s all my fault” suddenly flipping over to “I
as young children can do when facing a had nothing to do with it!.”
worrying situation. Examples: Too Dramatic,
6. Seeking Solutions that exist Outside of Me’ -
suddenly shifts to Too Compliant. Trying to Persuade or Control other people “It is
Moderation and Balancing Polarised or They who have to change”.
Black and White thinking 7. Repeated Patterns of Self defeating behaviour
The younger systems, because they are young (RSDP) - Shooting one’s self in the foot.
emotionally, usually take a child-like 8. Exaggerating, denying, distorting what is going on
polarised black or white approach to around me. Separating from reality when judging or
problems. Usually there is a long distance blaming others.
between the two opposite positions and very 9. Back to Front Activity. “I end up doing exactly what I
little flexibility. did not want to do.”
An WING or SAGE is more aware after you 10. Change is scary and confusing. Difficulty making
have had a flip and your intensity is getting choices or decisions.” I am scared of making the
too high or too low. It can consciously wrong choice. I can’t decide. I try hard to change
moderate the energy to a level that is right things outside of me, but I can’t. I don’t want to
for the situation. For example, if the situation change me, but I have to. I might not know how to
fit in, if things changed.”
needs high intensity the WING or SAGE gives
the grown-up OK for this but maintains a 11. Confusion about self-empowerment . “I wish I was
watch. more self-empowered but I am scared. If I had
more power I would not know how to use it.”
Your WING helps you recognise when the
younger systems like the Young Fixers and 12. Thoughts and feelings that keep telling me “I can’t
because I ... I am not good enough because I .....
Young Fighters are getting too involved, for
or I will be rejected because I...”
example when you find yourself thinking
“There are only two possibilities” or flipping 13. Negative Forecasts and Predictions followed by a
repeat of pressured number 2. “So I have to .......”
backwards and forwards between, or “I can’t
thoughts and feelings.
live with her” and “I can’t live without her.” or
14. Not Noticing things that I should be noticing
“I love my job.” and “I hate my job.”
When you are wanting an important decision 15. Experiencing pain in my body that feels like an
“un-healed emotional wound”.
from another person, the SAGE has a more
open attitude. 16. Things go wrong too often
For example rather than ‘Do you agree or
don’t you?’ your SAGE might ask the other
person ‘What are you comfortable with. What
needs to be changed?’ What other options are

there? The more we move to our Green STAR
The WING side is open to suggestions, looks zone or better still our blue WING zone
for flexible options and opportunities to work the more we are using our aware
through problems. The SAGE wonders ‘How grown-up systems. They can help us
close can we get to what we would like?’ or take charge of our changes so we can:
‘What can we do to get nearer to what we need?’
* choose the best direction for us to change
Back to Front Activity (how)
Sometimes a person will think back over events
* choose the best time to make the change
and realise “That was something I know I didn’t (when)
want and yet I found myself trying too hard to
get it” (or the other way around) * choose the best places to change (where)
Repeated Patterns of Self Defeating * choose the best reasons for changing (why)
behaviour (RSDP) or repeatedly * choose only safe people to help us with our
shooting one’s self in the foot. change (who)
Typically children follow patterns of repeated * welcome these changes as a sign we're
reactions even those that produce the same or growing
similar self-defeating outcomes. (RSDP) Many
of the things that children do when they react * embrace choices, options and opportunities
as some of the most wonderful gifts life offers
on the spur of the moment are self-defeating.
us every day.
They cause more harm and do less good than
whatever the child expected. Younger sub- * protect us from others who want us to follow
personalities are the same, often shooting the wrong how, when, where or why choices.
themselves in the foot.
A Very Young System may follow a number of
RSDP patterns including one or more addictive arises when there is a mixture of opposite
cycles thoughts and feelings.
If something doesn’t seem to work very well or For example “It’s really all my fault but I still want
not at all and yet a person keeps repeating the other people to help make that feeling go away.”
same pattern this is an indicator that warns us Fling it Away
that it could be a younger system driving the Many of these “reasons” may also include the
bus. false argument that a situation is impossible to
Only a younger system keeps expecting the change or that other people are totally to blame.
same unsuccessful behaviour to ‘work better next This is followed by unreasoned and very young
time’ even though it never worked in the past. reactions such as “fling it all away” supported
Only a younger system gets disappointed and by statements like “I can’t do this any longer”
puzzled about why repeating the same pattern “I give up”.
is less successful each time. “So I have to .......” thoughts and feelings
Loss of reasoning - It’s all my fault - Fling The phrase “I have to.....” accompanied by a
it away sense of pressure or compulsion is one easily
Very vulnerable very young systems or younger observed signs that one or more of the younger
systems feel unable to access logical ways of parts, such as the YOUNG Fixers are back driving
reasoning or problem solving but may instead the bus again.
put forward child like explanations, attempting This often includes a young child’s feeling that
(unsuccessfully) to reason out “Why” or “Why “If I can’t fix it, that too will be my fault”.
it won’t work”.
An Aware Grown up System see how that
It’s all my fault approach is more like a younger child’s view of
Often the faulty reasoning suggests “It’s all my
fault!“ even when this is not the case. Confusion
the problem. Maybe we are partly to blame, aspects of change. Change is happening all the
but not we are never totally responsible. time. Despite what they might think or say even
Changes or choices are better than fixes the youngest parts cannot choose ‘not to change’.
The SAGE looks at the issue in a more grown It happens anyway. But the aware parts help us
up way. It can see things more clearly and focus take charge of our changes so we can:
on making changes or choices that will help, ♦ choose the best direction for us to change
but without feeling pressured or overly (how)
responsible. ♦ choose the best time to make the change
Negative Forecasts and Predictions (when)
A very vulnerable very young system or ♦ choose the best places to change (where)
younger system makes generalised negative ♦ choose the best reasons for changing (why)
forecasts, predictions about how people are ♦ choose the safest people to help us with our
going to treat them or what they can expect change (who)
others will say to them, based on past ♦ welcome these changes as a sign we are
experiences. Examples: “People never trust me growing
so I can’t trust other people”; “I will get hurt /
♦ embrace choices, options and opportunities
ripped off/ ignored unless I get in first”.
as some of the most wonderful gifts life offers
The Self Aware Grown-up side looks for ways us every day.
that make more sense and are likely to work
♦ protect us from others who want us to
while avoiding generalised forecasts of trouble
follow the wrong how, when, where or why
or failure.
choices.
Thoughts and feelings that tell me “I am
Confusion about power and control.
not good enough because ......”
This is a big worry for the younger parts . They
Everybody has thoughts like these from time to will be confused by two polar opposite
time. But the younger parts take the thoughts positions. On the one hand they might feel
too seriously and then spend too much energy ”I want to take charge of my life.” “I want to say
trying to make the thoughts and feelings go ‘No’ more often.”
away.
BUT on the opposite side:
The WING can see how this kind of belief is so
“People won’t like me if I say ‘No’.”- “I feel guilty
much like a younger child’s and instead looks
when I don’t agree with other people.” - “Living my
at the belief in a more grown up way and then
life where I was in charge would be so scary.”
balances it with a positive belief.
Not Noticing things I should be noticing
See my book “Balancing Your Core Belief
System” or our website www.core-beliefs- If the very vulnerable inner system or other
balance.com. younger systems are in charge one of the things
you may not notice is how often you fail to
Confusion or fear about changing.
notice a lot of things that you should be
Some of the younger parts of us don’t want to noticing, until it is too late!
change or are fearful of change. ”Changing is
The SAGE is much better at being aware, at
scary and confusing.” Other parts feel the pressure
noticing all kinds of things and warning you in
described above of “I don’t want to change me,
plenty of time before things go wrong.
but I have to”. Many of the younger parts believe
they cannot change anything. “I wish I could Separation from reality
change things outside of me, but I can’t.“ Lots of It’s more understandable that younger parts ,
younger parts want others to change, while like small children, may lack the judgement to
resisting attempts by friends to help them make separate reality from emotions.
positive changes in themselves. Other younger Distortion or Denial
parts are afraid of any change. “I am scared. I Children facing a difficult problem may often
wouldn’t know how to fit in if things changed.” exaggerate, amplify the problem, hide the truth,
The more aware parts, the WING or STAR zones deny or distort what really happened. If a sub-
feel confident they can master all these different
personality part does the same you know that or the words you really hoped for were not
it too is one of the younger ones. spoken.
The WING system realises the dangers of all Mid-life crisis
these escapes from reality and avoids them. This is a sign you will usually notice only if you
Body pain in a specific part of the body - are over 35 years of age and looking back you
an “un-healed emotional wound”. can see that during your twenties and early
A very vulnerable system or will often experience thirties your career was very successful, but now
severe pain in a specific place in the body, a things are not going as well.
feeling inside that people describe as an “un- Young Fixers as they gain more experience
healed emotional wound”. This is a real physical develop incredibly powerful but short term ways
pain, even though it is emotionally based. of preventing problems getting in the way of
Quite often the wound is located at a specific their career. These are your compensating skills
spot somewhere deep inside your body. And it which work well (but only for a while). They
feels as though it will never heal. include a special set of work related or
If you think back you may remember having professional skills they develop to compensate
that same pain for many years, usually since or offset the very young thoughts and feelings.
childhood. It’s a big help if you can recall the In early adult life they can work quite well. They
situation or the time in your life when you first convince us and those around us that we really
felt that pain and who was around you who are “Good Enough” after all.
may have been connected with the initial Added to this is the drive and energy that people
wounding. have in early adult hood which for a while can
Often, as we move more into our Aware Grown overcome the most incredible life obstacles..
Up System the pain diminishes or goes away. However as we arrive at middle age we begin to
The SAGE helps us focus on developing our key notice that our energy and our compensating
life skills (next page). These are the essential skills are losing some of their power.
skills that we may not have been able to learn That’s when the original younger feelings about
as children because no one else in our family “I am not good enough because .....” start to
of origin was demonstrating them but instead resurface.
they were only modelling very young patterns This is what stands behind a large percentage
themselves. of what people label as a “mid-life crisis”.
Too often things go wrong - How often (Because, in the eyes of the younger protectors
does this happen to you ? Lack of success it certainly is one!).
in life.
The younger parts have one feature in common.
Whichever one of the younger systems is driving
the bus, one issue stands out again and again.
Younger parts are just not very skilled in
decision making and problem solving. That
doesn’t stop them from doing their very best,
trying their very hardest, as younger parts do,
to fix things.
The less an integrated grown-up system
available, the harder those younger parts work
compelled by the knowledge that (at that time)
they are all that is available to protect your
underlying vulnerability.
At these times things that you do or that people
do with you seem to go wrong. Too often things
don’t turn out the way you hoped they would.
What you hoped for or really wanted to happen,
The power of non-verbal As well, there are other less clearly defined non-
verbal background signals particularly power
communication and control signs that add even more to the
Adapted from Book G-9 - Growing Your meaning of a message.
Communication Skills
They give clues about the level of trust between
speaker and listener, or how interested each
Verbal communication takes place whenever person is in the exchange. In relationships these
you use words (written or spoken) to share can exercise very powerful influences.
information, ideas or emotions. When you
2. It is impossible to exclude all non-verbal
share the same kind of messages, but don’t
signals from even the simplest spoken or
use any words at all, that’s non-verbal
written (verbal) exchange. Virtually every
communication. However, all word messages word message contains a mixture of verbal
are made up of a mixture of both verbal and and non-verbal content that travels together.
non-verbal content combined. Feedback in particular is often more non-
verbal than verbal.
Most of the really significant decisions you 3. A mixture of verbal and non-verbal content
make during your life, particularly those choices in the same message normally produces
you make about your lifestyle, and similar improved results. This works only if the
decisions others make about you, are influenced meanings of both are the same. When one
between an estimated minimum of 60% and part of a message is sent verbally (in words)
up to 90% by the non-verbal content while the and part non-verbally (body language), the
words take second place. It’s not the words of two must match, otherwise listeners become
the song we dance to, it’s the music. confused or distrust the message. Both the
speaker and the message lose credibility.
Virtually every message contains some
background clues to the way each person sees 4. If your communication is to be effective,
the power and control ratio between them. Most balancing non-verbal (non-word)
of these signs are low key and nonverbal, and communication is as important as choosing
most are transmitted only as background the words you use. People who monitor (and
unspoken signals that help to emphasise the control) their non-verbal signals at the same
sender’s position as he or she sees it. But they time as they are watching their verbal (word)
are a part of every act of communication. message content are usually much more
successful as communicators.
You cannot cross them out when you write
because they are ‘between the lines’. You cannot 5 You can, if you choose, translate non-verbal
leave them out when you speak. So it is better meanings in your communication into
to recognise them, be aware of them, and do verbal (word) messages, raising the ‘un-
what you can to manage them. discussable’ up to the verbal level. This is
described as using ‘open’ self aware, grown-
Your words may be intended to convey an up or assertive communication.
accurate meaning, but it is the non-verbal
content that has the stronger flavour. This has a 6. Open communicators often enjoy
powerful effect on the total meaning whether considerably more success than ‘closed’
your messages are shared in a professional, a communicators. The meanings they exchange
business or personal environment. are clearer, so they have fewer
misunderstandings .
1. Non-verbal communication is not just body
language. Signs and symbols (like a wedding They usually find they can exert a more balanced
ring) pictures, plans, diagrams, graphs and kind of influence or control in difficult
objects, all help you to communicate by situations, and so are better able to resist others
sharing meanings non-verbally. Symbols are who attempt to manipulate them. They usually
so obvious there is even less chance of a seem to enjoy a happier and better lifestyle.
misunderstanding than with words.
Reading ‘between the lines’

Every time you communicate, in addition to the At times the non-verbal ‘meaning’ is the
main message you transmit - even if opposite of the spoken ‘meaning’ in the same
unintentionally - background messages. These sentence. Example:
help people to ‘read between the lines’. “Of course I love you! Why do you keep
Background signals cannot move by themselves; asking? You know I do!”
they travel in conjunction with ordinary The negative power and control signal is far
messages. While not really communication in
louder than the positive words.
their own right, and despite their vague
background characteristics, they can have a
powerful effect on interpretations and
meanings and the resulting level of suggested location may not be crystal clear, but
understanding (or misunderstanding). it is significant and you will work hard to
understand the clues it provides to the power
Background signals won’t ‘go away’
and control ratio.
Background signals may not be accurate, but
Glen, wants to talk to you about a problem you
they are part of the total message and their effect
are both having, paying some accounts and
on meanings and the power and control ratio
suggests a possible location. Glen’s words and
is powerful enough to change the outcome of
tone of voice are quite relaxed and casual, no
any message. They are a part of every act of
clues there.
communication.
However, what meaning would you say Glen
Background signals can be misinterpreted
might be signalling (about the power and
One reason background signals are so important control aspects of your relationship) for each
is that they provide pointers to the nature of a of the following proposed locations if Glen says,
relationship whether it is professional,
‘Let’s talk about it while we’re ......’
business or personal.
• with our lawyer or attorney
Sometimes, of course, people misread a
background signal. This makes it all the more • having a quiet drink
important for you to be conscious of the signals • in Glen’s business office
you send and receive, so that you can use ways
to communicate the intended meanings more • in a restaurant over dinner
accurately. • here together, right now
Typical sources of background signals • in the garden
include:
• going for a walk in the forest
Emotional Age signals
• in bed or in the bath
As I have been explaining in these books,
How much unspoken information about the
perhaps the most significant is what you are
power and control ratio and Glen’s intentions
signalling about your emotional age and what
is contained in the background signal, which
your emotional age is signalling about you.
in this case is exchanged non verbally through
That might be what people call your “attitude”. Glen’s proposal for each particular meeting
Emotional age signals tell people so much about place? ‘
that important aspect of our lives, where we
Choice of location’ of this nature is a major
stand on the critical issue of “power and control”.
source of background non-verbal power and
However there are many other sources. control signals.
Choice of location Personal space
The places people choose to exchange messages Just by moving towards each other, or moving
can tell you much about the power and control further apart, coming out from or going behind
ratio involved. The meaning transmitted via a
a desk before talking, sitting together or sitting Choice of channel

on opposite sides of a table, people convey Do people choose to e-mail you instead of
important meanings and information about the phoning? Does someone pay you a personal
power and control ratio in the way they react to visit to give you some good news instead of
or use personal space. sending an SMS? You may have heard the
Choice of timing, and frequency expression, ‘the medium (media or channel) is
the message’. This is another way of saying that
The time of day chosen for communication, the
the choice of channel is so strong a signal that
length of time spent in communicating,
it may outweigh the verbal message.
deliberate delays in responding, all convey
meanings about the ratio of power and control.
So does the regularity with which messages are
exchanged or any sudden alteration in the
frequency of exchanges.
Choice of sequence
Whether someone chooses to interrupt you or
waits for you to finish speaking shows how that
person feels in relation to you, particularly in
terms of power ratios.
What background signals Low level of trust (negative)

communicate Locking a door, avoiding questions and
constantly checking on the other person are
Extended from condensed notes in Book A-1 non-verbal signals indicating low trust.
Power ratio between sender and receiver Empathy (positive)
In most relationships (personal or professional) This is expressed by showing care and concern,
little is said verbally about the issues of power and understanding for another’s problems,
and control in that relationship, even though extending help, perhaps by offering a cup of
those issues are always present and are usually coffee as a sign of support at a difficult moment.
very important to both people. Future of the relationship
It’s as if power and control issues are Background signals like these can help you
‘undiscussable’, so this information is limited predict your chances of success in a relationship
to the non-verbal background signals, but that and tell you whether you are gaining, losing, or
does not mean the effect is not felt. For example: maintaining a steady position.
‘Higher than you’ signals Convert background signals to verbal ones
Long, relaxed pauses in speech; an expansive Converting background signals into ordinary
(strong, but casual) body stance; standing or verbal messages helps. For instance, Jan is
sitting so one’s eyes are higher than another sending you a lot of ‘parent’ messages which
persons; interrupting another person’; include background signals that her young
organising someone else’s time, furniture or protector PYRO parts want you to see her as
personal papers; failing to share scarce resources more powerful than you.
or equipment - all these are ‘higher than you’ You can say nothing or get triggered but this is
power signals. the time to move into your aware grown up
Your young protectors are often the ones who position and respond verbally with the
send out signals like these. explanation:
‘Lower than you’ signals ‘You know, Jan, when you talk that way you sound
Allowing interruptions, body leaning forward like a mother talking to a naughty kid. Is it you or
towards speaker, standing or sitting so one’s eyes just one of your younger protectors taking over?’
are lower than other person’s, giving up scarce That’s strong feedback, but it means that the
resources without expecting anything in return; power and control issue is no longer
these are ‘lower than you’ power signals. ‘background’, it’s now right out in the open. In
Yes, young protectors can send message when this way you can deal with a problem before it
you write as well. Pages that are cramped, narrow causes real trouble, as would happen if it
margins, and few (if any) strong headings send remained ‘undiscussable’.
the same lower power signal. If you are the person who raises the issue up to
‘Both equal’ signals the verbal level you are using what is called open
Two lovers, both in their WING zones, can communication. This has many advantages,
signal ‘power is not an issue’ by each making usually enough to change the outcome of the
sacrifices for the other. More common examples message.
include sharing food, sharing scarce resources, Raising the undiscussable up to the open level
sharing a difficult task, sitting or standing so is in itself a very strong indicator of your self
one’s eyes are level with others, co-operating esteem and self confidence. Your grown up
and compromising to fit in with each other and WING parts are sending out messages about
helping each other solve their problems. your sense that you are better able to handle
High level of trust (positive) the situation than Jan and her PYRO team.
Sharing secrets and high level responsibility are
non-verbal indications of high trust.
Flying Free and Standing Strong Artists, actors, musicians, singers and movie stars
are all driven by intensely strong internal energies.
with Emotional Age Awareness (EA)
Emotional age awareness is not a separate energy
Understanding and working with your Emotional in itself, it’s a powerful life skill, a way of looking
Age is one way of harnessing some very powerful at different drives and energies while they are at
and positive forces you and I have inside us. work inside you. The more you understand what
There are different names for these forces, some is happening each time you change in and out of
call them drives, internal forces or motivators. I one particular emotional age, the more you
prefer to describe them as “energies “ because, to understand what’s happening in your life.
me, that provides a more accurate description of The better you get at making the changes you
what we're working with on this website, your want to make, how you want to make them, when
changing energy states. you want to make them and the way you want to
Emotional energies are very powerful. make them, all powerful changes, whether they
Regardless of the name, these forces are almost mean standing firm or flying as you wish.
always there for your benefit. They are meant to Used in the wrong way those same energies can
be harnessed and used correctly help you achieve hold us back , keep us stuck on the ground, out
whatever you want to do in life. Whatever you of balance or wobbling.
feel like doing today they are there to be used. So to complete the picture we need to look at
They can help you grow, stand firm and balanced times when that driving energy is not as strong
on the ground, grow stronger or fly and soar free. as we wish or even running in reverse. Once you
Many of these drives or energies are already understand what is happening in terms of
familiar. Some people experience powerful drives emotional age blockages, you can unlock those
such as ambition, which motivates them to be a energy clamps clear the clots and other emotional
success in life. Love itself can provide an limits that are disempowering you.
incredible driving force that motivates people to Then you can really fly free.
do wonderful or sometimes foolish things but
there’s no question about the strength of that
energy.
It is not the Universe ‘picking on Negative Core Belief patterns

In my book “Balancing Core Beliefs” I explain
you’ again and again ......
how core beliefs inside us can send out signals
It is really not ‘something out there’
that are readily observed by other people. These
telling you that you deserve all these include the non verbal signals I described in
problems book A-1. They give other people the wrong
Sadly, some people seem to experience far more idea about us. People react to those signals and
than the rest of us when it comes to ongoing if it is a regularly repeated negative signal
troubles. Depending on the source of the theory different people will all respond regularly to
there are all sorts of reasons proposed about that signal in similar ways.
why this happens much more to some people A person who believes that deep down inside
and a lot less to others. “I am always wrong” will find people will treat
The one theory that I do not subscribe to is that him that way even though he hates it.
this is somehow a punishment being inflicted It is not the universe picking on him again and
on you by some powerful, punishing spiritual again. Although he is totally unaware he is
force that needs to get even with you for either doing it, the signal he is sending out is what
something bad you did in your past, or worse causes so many people to all see him that way.
something that one of your ancestors did in the
Note: If, however, events occur that have
past and you have to wear the blame.
nothing to do with you at all and they are 100%
That is the stuff of ancient cultures where outside your area of control then you cannot
people were sacrificed to appease the punishing be held responsible. If you are even partly
Gods. It amazes me that there are still people responsible for not changing events around that
who maintain this kind of belief today. It’s just you could change but don’t know how that’s
that their ways of sacrificing us on their behalf different.
are more subtle and less fatal. That means we
Is it just a repeated pattern? The ordinary
are available again for a recycled sacrifice, time
kind?
after time.
Repeating ordinary self-induced patterns are
This is where the young PYRO protectors get
normal. Everybody has them, everybody gets
involved. They just don’t have the ability to see
themselves in and out of them several times
what is really going on. So they are inclined to
every day. So don’t worry about the “repeated
blame something outside of us, the Universe,
pattern” bit. Most of your repeated patterns
an employer, a partner.
work really well for you because you know you
So let me put it on record, you can rest assured are doing them.
that even if you’re going through a bad run at
A sales representative gets into a ‘selling pattern’
the moment, there are no nasty vindictive
every day, a counsellor goes into ‘counselling’
punishing gods out there who are picking on
pattern, a student shifts to a “study hard”
you. If the same problem is happening to you
pattern at the end of the semester. All these are
again and again it has to be something inside
regular self induced patterns. I’m not talking
you, not outside. The good news is that it is
about mildly repetitive problems like seeming
much easier to change things inside you.
to wind up regularly doing some kind of work
On the other hand it’s possible that you might that I don’t enjoy. Sooner or later I do
be doing something that repeatedly attracts very something to change that.
similar problems into your life.
But an RSDP pattern is different. That’s the
Normally people learn from their mistakes, at problem, because the results of the repeated
least after they’ve made them a couple of times. behaviour is seriously self-defeating.
So the first question is to ask whether whatever
is going wrong in your life is, in part at least
something that you could slow down if only
you knew how.
Signs of RSDP - a repeated pattern of self shame, guilt, extreme fear, sadness or a sense of
defeating behaviour” defeat or all of the above.
Do you ever ask yourself Why on Earth did I do The similarity in negative results, even from
that again? That’s the fourth time!” different events tells you this is a “repeated
That’s my sixth relationship that has gone wrong, pattern” not just an unusual run of bad luck.
They each ended the same way. Why? 3. Obvious risks or dangers seem to be
I just got scammed again on the internet. That’s the invisible or blanked out
tenth time! The chances of a negative outcome that are
If it’s a repeated pattern and the results are obvious to other people are invisible to the
consistently negative then it is described quite RSDP victim. However afterwards when they are
appropriately as a “repeated self-defeating facing the reality of another failure they may
pattern” or RSDP for short. That is a polite term ask themselves “Why didn’t I stop it?”; “ Why did
for what might more accurately described as I sign that form?”; ”Why did I reject the offer of
“regularly shooting yourself in the foot!” help’?"; “Why couldn’t I see that coming?”; “How
Signs of RSDP could I not have noticed he was like that before I
1. The normal ‘learn by your mistakes’ married him?”
mechanism seems to have been replaced by an The more a person is stuck in an RSDP pattern
automatic ‘repeat the same mistake’ system. the more likely that they are unable to access
This is the first and perhaps the most obvious their self aware grown-up state.
sign. If a behaviour pattern works it’s sensible 4. Amplified feelings or over dramatic
to repeat it. That’s pretty normal. This doesn’t reactions to failure
seem to be happening with RSDP. When another RSDP event ends in failure this
Most of our younger protectors, particularly the is marked by highly emotional reactions or
ones who developed when we were children responses, including blaming other people,
have a couple of characteristics that get in the playing the tragic or crucified victim-martyr role
way. (specially when there is an audience). Heavy
* they specialise in just one particular way of drinking or attempted suicide are common.
fixing things (because from a child’s point of Where you might ordinarily expect an average
view those ways appeared, many years ago, sense of anger, pain, grief, shame, guilt, fear, loss
to work better than anything else). or sadness you get an unusually strong reaction.
The emotion is being amplified by the RSDP.
* they repeat that same pattern of behaviour
5. Feeling ‘helpless’; ‘hopeless’; ‘not good
again and again (because from a child’s point
enough’; ‘disempowered’; ‘stuck’; ‘frozen’;
of view it should keep on working)
then flipping into anger
With RSDP one or more younger protectors
seem to be stuck doing the repetition even Similar feelings include a temporary sense of
though it isn’t working. The result each time is panic, feeling blocked, trapped or paralysed.
negative or unsatisfactory. However after a while these feelings are replaced
by a highly energised counter reaction such as
The ‘learn by your mistakes’ thinker fixer has anger.
been shut down. The sensible rational thinking
6. Flipping between two extremely opposite
system has gone out to lunch. It is as though
responses
the self-aware grown -up systems are not even
in town. In this kind of repetitive pattern two strongly
2. A seriously similar and unsatisfactory
polarised (opposite view) two young protectors
outcome each time
fight inside over the “best” way to deal with a
problem. The greater the polarity the more
With RSDP when the same pattern is repeated energy that each protector will put into trying
the negative result gets repeated too. Whatever to take charge.
the pattern, each time it ends in loss, pain, grief,
Accessing and sharing

It really is OK to have that feeling
your real feelings Remind yourself that you do not owe any
other human being an explanation for the way
To function as self aware grown ups,
you are feel or the emotion you really are
particularly in relationships, we need to be experiencing. Then go ahead and have the
able to be in touch with our real feelings. We feeling, but do it for yourself, not for anyone
also need to be able to share these in 'clean' else.!
or authentic ways with other people. This may
take a little practice if we have been told for
most of our life that it is not OK to do this. poor boundaries and therefore too many
active inner selves. Don’t let their criticism
or questions stop you having your feelings
Feelings are a real and natural part of living. and experiencing the gifts that come from
Not having feelings is only a short step away regularly acknowledging what you are
from not being alive. feeling.
There are many healthy ways to feel your Try to get out of the habit of offering reasons
feelings and share them with others. As with or explanations to justify what you are
any other part of personal growth it helps to feeling, whether its positive or negative.
have a few guidelines for working with your Reasoning and explaining involves the
‘feelings’. logical mind, the one part of you where it is
The trouble is that remembering ‘guidelines’ hardest to ‘feel’. If you express sadness and
involves logical thought and thinking is the someone asks you ‘why’ remind yourself that
very thing that breaks the connection with real you do not owe any other human being an
feelings. The following points may however explanation for the way you are feeling or
be worth keeping in mind. the emotion you are experiencing.
There are no ‘bad’ emotions but there are many You might choose to explain, but only if you
inappropriate ways of expressing them. want to, not as a justification for feeling that
If your rational mind gets too involved it may emotion inside you.
misinterpret feelings, report them inaccurately The list of adult emotions on the next page
or judge them unfairly. There are some things is a special one, created by Pia Mellody and
to avoid if you want to share your feelings the team of therapists at ‘The Meadows’ in
honestly with others. (see box ‘These are not Arizona to help people get in touch with
real feelings’) their real feelings. It also highlights the
Feelings are not always conveyed in words. understanding that experiencing and being
There are lots of non-verbal ways to aware of your authentic emotions is a
communicate whatever we are feeling. Most positive process. Whenever you do this in a
of these are more accurate and honest anyway. healthy way, each feeling brings deep and
valuable gifts with it.
People who are uncomfortable about your
sharing your feelings are usually people with I have made the page large enough to
photocopy. On a fridge or mirror it helps you
keep in touch with what your emotions are
doing inside. I have an enlargement on my
People who are uncomfortable about your office wall and when working with people
sharing your feelings are usually people whose emotions are blocked I use the list as a
with poor boundaries. Don’t let their prompt while asking the questions on
criticism or questions stop you having Personal Activity sheet 7h. (See next two
your feelings and experiencing the gifts pages).
that come from doing this regularly.
These are not ‘real’ feelings

When people are asked how they are Any statement suggesting a feeling that
feeling, some of the most common includes the words ‘you’ or ‘because’ suggests
answers can sound like these: the rational mind or another one of the
‘I feel good .. bad... OK.. all right .. rotten .. fine inner selves is probably doing the talking.
.. great.. down .. up ..’ The inner selves are also inclined to attribute
But these are not about actual emotions. the cause of our emotions to another person
Rather, they are safe ways to avoid sharing (He makes me feel ...) or as an outcome of
real feelings. things the selves are doing, assigning the
These are indications that the rational reason for the feeling to the inner selves’
mind is doing the talking not the feeling actions (‘When I am doing this I feel ...When
side. you do that I feel .....’).
A statement ‘I feel you are lying’ is a thought, An ‘I’ statement free of ‘you’, ‘because’ or any
not a feeling. ‘I’m feeling sad because you other kind of explanation is the only
are so angry’ is not expressing a true feeling. authentic way of sharing a feeling verbally.
An interpretation of another person’s A person in an aware grown up state talks

feelings as in ‘I feel you don’t care’ is not about his or her feelings more inwardly. It
describing the speaker’s own feelings might just be ‘I feel joy’ or ‘About that I
which might be fear, pain or anger. feel.........’
It’s much the same with a prediction about Or they might describe the aware, grown up
what another person might do, ‘I feel afraid SAGE state of being (I am happy, I am angry)
you are going to leave me.’
Asking someone for an explanation will

block all but the most powerful emotions.
An even better way to stop them
experiencing an emotion is to tell them
they shouldn’t feel that way and then ask
for an explanation as to why they are
doing so. (Did this happen to you as a
child?)
Aware Grown Up Emotions and feelings

Aware Grown Gifts from Self Aware Grown up Feelings
Up Feelings
Lonely, Alone Reaching out to others - reaching in to know myself
Joy Wellbeing - personal growth
Pain Healing - facing reality - regrowth
Sadness Empathy - ability to care for myself and others
Anger
Energises my inner power to make changes - protects my
personal dignity
Fear Strengthens self protection and boundaries - brings wisdom
Love Ability to give unconditional nurturing - validation of my self,

my inner selves and my inner gifts
Shame SAGE humility - sense of human-ness
Exhilaration Positive energy - power to succeed

Helps me set limits and have aware, grown up standards -
Guilt gives me the energy and ability to make amends
Worthwhile Helps grow my self esteem and gives me a positive outlook

on life
Worthless Readiness to grow and climb upwards
Confused Ability to understand other people’s confusion and doubt -

willingness to seek clarity about my own
Devastated Ability to connect with my deepest core pain and my wounded

inner child and learn how to nurture them safely in grown up
ways
Gifts............................ ..............................................
Other feelings
(for me) Gifts............................ ..............................................
................................
Acknowledgement - this page is adapted
..............................
from the feelings list used by “The
Meadows” AZ USA and South Pacific
NSW Aust, as originally designed by Pia
Mellody
How do I Create my Own EA Your EA wheel gives you a chance to look at

some very important processes going on inside
Profile ? you. It helps you see:
What I need do to get it working for me 1. What is happening
Okay so you have had a look at some different 2. Whether some of your young protectors or
EA guides and the case studies. You understand sub-personalities are trying too hard to deal
a bit of what it can tell you about what’s going with important issues in your life.
on inside you. Now it’s time to put your 3. How successful they are trying to fix
understanding to work. problems that should be left to the grown up
You’re familiar with the coloured wheel, and parts inside you.
you’re asking a very sensible question…… Some of these processes can be described in
How do I put the wheel to work to help me to: words and pictures, colour helps as well to
* find more love, freedom, success and real joy in my separate the different energies and different
life kinds of processes, or as I like to describe them
* feel better inside all, your “emotional age or ea-tools” .
* find more love, freedom, success and real joy in my The EA wheel is designed to help you work
life with all your energies including your feeling
* grow and enrich my relationships - create new tools as well is with logic and word tools,
intimacy - a new and deeper bond with a partner because you need both.
* increase my self confidence, self esteem and sense Using your own Emotional Wheel to Improve
of self-empowerment your Life
* discover the person I really am - become more of the Getting stuck in a zone is an automatic process.
true me and realise my potential for living Moving around your wheel is a conscious one.
* heal my deepest emotional pain and sorrow The more conscious you are of where you are
* overcome blockages inside me that limit my personal
on the wheel the better things become. You’re
growth and success developing your emotional age awareness EA.
* help when I want to stand firm or climb higher There are four steps to make moving more
conscious and you can start right now.
* energise me when I want to take off or fly higher
1. Recognise and name the four main systems,
zones or energy states that are running inside
you (and me).
1. Your Very young and very vulnerable
sector. Your Pink zone PINK SECTOR
2. Your hard working, busy but emotionally
young protector systems, your PYRO pink,
orange, red, yellow and dark yellow
sectors.
3. Your Rational Analytical systems, your
STAR dark green, bright green and aqua-
green sectors.
4. Your self-aware more grown up WING
systems, your blue zone.
5. Your purple SAGE zone.
These five distinctly different energy states can
each take it in turns to drive your actions, words,
thoughts and feelings at different times of the
day and in different situations.
While they are doing this automatically your unfairly victimised and needing someone to
life will have lots of ups and downs. stop doing that to you. These are all pointers
Looking at your own profile sheet, can you: that suggest that you might be in another
* Notice how often you shift in or out of these parts of the young and needy or ange sector
orange sector..
different states or zones on a typical day. ________________________________________________
* Notice that some of these shifts seem to
happen automatically Zone _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
All you need to start using your wheel to switch Emotional ages _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
from automatic to manual control is what is _____________________________
explained here. Protectors or tools _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
2. Now look at the coloured sectors within each _____________________________
zone. Decide which ones are the strongest at
_____________________________
this time That will tell you where you are at _______________________________________________
this moment, where you are on the wheel.
I will give you some examples but it is Are you feeling angry about what has been
important that you decide to yourself where happening to you while you are stuck in the
you are located on the wheel. Do not allow orange sector? Good. That means you have
my words to make the choices for you. moved out of it orange and could now be in
Examples: the red young fighter-survivor sector.
Are you feeling lost, devastated, just too tired The same if you're fighting in any way that
or just can't cope, or you feel just don’t have would help you to survive negative things
the tools for the job or and no one will help someone is doing to you. You could be in your
you? Then you and your very young protectors fighter-survivor sector.
could be stuck in the pink, very young and ________________________________________________
very vulnerable sector
vulnerable sector..
________________________________________________ Zone _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Emotional ages _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Sector _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_____________________________
________________________
Protectors or tools _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Emotional ages _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_____________________________
_____________________________
_____________________________
Protectors or tools _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _______________________________________________
_____________________________
_____________________________
Are you still trying a bit too hard to get others to
_______________________________________________
fix things for you? That could be a sign you have
moved to your young fixer sector (bright
Are you thinking or feeling you must do or have yellow).
to do something, such as pleasing someone to
________________________________________________
get that person to meet one of your important
needs? Do you find it difficult to say ‘No’. Have Zone _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
you forgotten who the ‘real me’ is? Then you
Emotional ages _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
could be in your or ange sector
orange sector,, in particular
_____________________________
you could be in either your Charming, or
Compliant patterns. Protectors or tools _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_____________________________
Are you feeling confused, a sense that you _____________________________
“have to do”, do something, anything but you _______________________________________________
have no idea what it is?. Are you feeling
Are you putting pressure on yourself or other ________________________________________________

people to get things fixed that could be a sign
you have moved to your young pusher- Zone _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
driver (dark yellow) sector. You would Emotional ages _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

notice that this move usually improves your _____________________________
chances of success but it can also get too strong Protectors or tools _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
for comfort.
_____________________________
________________________________________________ _____________________________
_______________________________________________
Zone _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Are you becoming conscious of your
Emotional ages _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
developing self-aware grown-up parts. Are
_____________________________
your ea-tools are now well organised and you
Protectors or tools _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ are becoming better at choosing just the right
_____________________________ tool or skill for each task. Can you also use
_____________________________ several tools at the same time to improve the
_______________________________________________ results. Do you notice your problem solving
is getting better. Do you have less emotional
Have you started to apply more thought and pain. These are signs that indicate you may
logic to what you are doing? That could be a now be in your STAR Explorer aqua blue-
STAR
sign you have moved to the start of your STAR green Thinking and Awareness sector.
green
dark gr thinker-fixer..
een thinker-fixer ________________________________________________
You may notice you are able to apply logic to
back up the pressure you want to put on people Zone _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
to help solve your problems or settle issues. Emotional ages _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
It marks a major step forward each time you _____________________________

move out of the younger energy states above. Protectors or tools _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Each time you reach this place you will have _____________________________
effectively freed yourself from most of your _____________________________
young emotional reactions. _______________________________________________
________________________________________________
After this everything begins to move as your
Zone _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ self-aware grown up systems develop. Each time
Emotional ages _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ you notice this happening you are somewhere
in your integrated blue WING sectors on
_____________________________
the left side of your EA wheel.
Responses in the blue sectors are those that
_____________________________
come more often with maturing emotional
_____________________________ age.
_______________________________________________
________________________________________________
Are now you using more rational, sensible,

logical thinking to help you deal with life? Zones _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
________________________
Are your reasoning and logic skills stronger than
the younger automatic patterns and can you Emotional ages _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
consciously over-ride most of the younger _____________________________
ones? Is your sense of reality becoming clearer. Protectors or tools _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
That suggests you may now be in your ST STAR
AR _____________________________
bright grgreen
een sector. _____________________________
_______________________________________________
Balanced Awareness and Feelings sector ________________________________________________
Are you starting to realise at last that controlling

others doesn’t help you feel better inside or fix Zone _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Are you noticing a growing sense of grown-up Emotional ages _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
self-awareness and balanced self-empowerment. _____________________________
Do you experience that wonderful sense of just
feeling good enough lots of the time?
_____________________________
Do you more often now, realise that controlling
others doesn’t help you feel better inside or fix _____________________________
anything inside you? Do you notice you now _______________________________________________
have less interest in power and control issues
and that when faced with a problem you are Aware Grown Up System
now more inclined to respond than to react? Are you now fully aware of the value of
When you find yourself feeling vulnerable is emotional age awareness and how it can help
there a sense inside you at the same time that you to fly higher and freer than ever before?
you're now protected in ways that don’t get you This is a fair indication of how far you have
into blaming or controlling others or trying to come in developing your powerful and much
take their power away from them. more grown up, self aware emotional state. You
These are all signs that suggest that you are use your growing self awareness and self
now moving into your mid blue Balanced empowerment to deal effectively with life’s
Awareness and Feelings sector - WING problems so you can fly free and master even
difficult issues.
________________________________________________
At this point you won’t need a sign to tell you
Zone _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ that you are somewhere in your Purple Aware
Emotional ages _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Grown-Up system or SAGE.
_____________________________
Self-awareness works like that.
________________________________________________
_____________________________
_____________________________ Zone _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_______________________________________________ Emotional ages _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_____________________________
Aware Thinking and Feeling (integrated) and
Growing up Self Awareness System -
_____________________________
Do you now notice that you are seeing reality even
_____________________________
more clearly. Have you discovered how combining
feelings with reasoning gives you a more balanced _______________________________________________
view. Are you now better at noticing what you're

3. Where-ever you decide you are at the present
doing and saying and feeling.
time please congratulate yourself. You were
Do you have that sense of being able to accept consciously aware of where you were. You just
yourself just as you are? Have you found that you noticed where you were on the emotional age
no longer need validation from others (though it’s wheel. That is a powerful step forward.
nice when it happens). Do you sometimes say to
yourself “I can do almost anything I want to.
Nothing seems “too much” for me any more!
These are all signs you are now entering your

darker blue Integrated Aware Thinking
and Feeling sector -
______________________________________________________________________
* In the upper left purple SAGE sector

What is Today’s EA Wheel or
Telling You? * a mixture of all or any of these
Today are your feelings, your drive and your If your emotional age today is more to the
energy located: right hand side than the left that may be where
* More in the pink sector you need to be today. But it is not the ideal
* Mostly in the right hand orange young part. Do you ever feel you get stuck there and
but busy, needy sector want to move but can’t?
* More in the active young protector, red It may be time to look at ways of moving
fighter- survivor sector yourself over a bit more to the self-aware blue
* More in the yellow young fixer and young or SAGE side on the left.
fighter sectors There are lots of ways you can do this
* Mostly in the three green lower mid consciously.
sectors. The “Sensible, reasonable and NOTE: No two people have the same
rational thinking” zone emotional age wheel. The different versions
* Mostly in the left hand blue growing of the Age wheel in this book are just that,
self awareness and emotional age just individual examples of a person’s
awareness sectors. emotional age wheel on one particular hour of
one particular day.
IMPORTANT- Re-Draw Your Wheel and your Profile

Do not feel restricted to the shapes, parts or sectors on the emotional age wheel
as it appears here. It is only one example.
I encourage you to re-draw the wheel to reflect a more accurate picture of your
inner world and your own self awareness as you see it
Add more sectors, change the colours.
Some people redraw it as a linear graph, a tower, others more like a staircase,
even trees in a forest or fields on a farm.
In the end it is great if your emotional age wheel looks and feels different from
anyone else’s.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ month _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 20_ _
PYRO
PINK
My SEC-
TOR
Inner Child
_______
STAR
SAGE
WING
Today
My Emotional Age EA Profile
Alphabetic Index - Book A-2
A
Authority (or position) power 5 non-verbal (non-word) 17
non-verbal communication 17
B
O
Back to Front Activity 14
background signals 18, 20 open communication 20
Black and White thinking 13 Open communicators 17
Body pain 16 P
C Personal space 18
Charismatic power 6 Polarised thinking 13
communication power
background signals 20 charismatic 6
non-verbal 17 expert 5
Compliance 7 finger in the socket test for 9
control issues 4 manipulation 5
referent 5
E
shared 5
Emotional Age signals 18 Power and control i 4
Empathy 20 Power issues 4
Expert power 5
R
F
repetitive pattern of self defeat-
feedback 20 ing behaviour 23
feeling 24 Reward-penalty power 5
finger in the socket test 9 RSDP 23
finger in the socket’ test 9 RSDP patterns 14
L S
level of trust 17 Seniority or referent power 5
location 18 Separation from reality 15
M U
manipulation 6 Universe 22
identifying 6
signs of 6
mid-life crisis 16
N
Negative Core Belief 22

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Emotional Age Awareness A-2 1

Flying Awareness - The Key to Balancing Your Life

Flying Higher with Emotional

A publication in the Flying Awareness Series

Table of Contents Book A -2

Flying Higher with Emotional Age Awareness

What is Control? What is Power? ................................................................................................................ 3

Different kinds of power

Author and Publisher’s Waiver

Case Study - he continually gave up on being his authentic

Flipping between two wide apart and

needs to be changed?’ What other options are

Reading ‘between the lines’

a desk before talking, sitting together or sitting Choice of channel

What background signals Low level of trust (negative)

It is not the Universe ‘picking on Negative Core Belief patterns

Accessing and sharing

These are not ‘real’ feelings

An interpretation of another person’s A person in an aware grown up state talks

Asking someone for an explanation will

Aware Grown Up Emotions and feelings

Lonely, Alone Reaching out to others - reaching in to know myself

Joy Wellbeing - personal growth

Pain Healing - facing reality - regrowth

Sadness Empathy - ability to care for myself and others

Fear Strengthens self protection and boundaries - brings wisdom

Love Ability to give unconditional nurturing - validation of my self,

Shame SAGE humility - sense of human-ness

Exhilaration Positive energy - power to succeed

Worthwhile Helps grow my self esteem and gives me a positive outlook

Confused Ability to understand other people’s confusion and doubt -

Devastated Ability to connect with my deepest core pain and my wounded

How do I Create my Own EA Your EA wheel gives you a chance to look at

Are you putting pressure on yourself or other ________________________________________________

driver (dark yellow) sector. You would Emotional ages _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

It marks a major step forward each time you _____________________________

Are now you using more rational, sensible,

Balanced Awareness and Feelings sector ________________________________________________

Are you starting to realise at last that controlling

view. Are you now better at noticing what you're

These are all signs you are now entering your

* In the upper left purple SAGE sector

IMPORTANT- Re-Draw Your Wheel and your Profile

Alphabetic Index - Book A-2

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