True self (also known as real self, authentic self, original self and vulnerable self)

and false self (also known as fake self, idealized self, superficial selfand pseudo self)
are psychological concepts often used in connection with narcissism.
They were introduced into psychoanalysis in 1960 by Donald Winnicott.[1] Winnicott used
true self to describe a sense of self based on spontaneous authentic experience, and a
feeling of being alive, having a real self.[2]
The false self, by contrast, Winnicott saw as a defensive façade one which in extreme cases
could leave its holders lacking spontaneity and feeling dead and empty, behind a mere
appearance of being real.
To maintain their self-esteem, and protect their vulnerable true selves, narcissists need
to control others' behavior – particularly that of their children, seen as extensions of
themselves.[3]

Winnicott saw the true self as rooted from early infancy in the experience of being alive,
including blood pumping and lungs breathing – what Winnicott called simply being.[4] Out
of this, the baby creates the experience of a sense of reality, a sense that life is worth living.
The baby's spontaneous, nonverbal gestures derive from that instinctual sense,[5] and if
responded to by the mother, become the basis for the continuing development of the true
self.
However, when what Winnicott was careful to describe as good enough parenting – i.e., not
necessarily perfect! was not in place, the infant's spontaneity was in danger of being
encroached on by the need for compliance with the parents' wishes/expectations.[7] The
result for Winnicott could be the creation of what he called the false self, where "Other
people's expectations can become of overriding importance, overlaying or contradicting
the original sense of self, the one connected to the very roots of one's being".[8] The danger
he saw was that "through this false self, the infant builds up a false set of relationships, and
by means of introjections even attains a show of being real",[9] while, in fact, merely
concealing a barren emptiness behind an independent-seeming façade.[10]
The danger was particularly acute where the baby had to provide attunement for the
mother/parents, rather than vice versa, building up a sort of dissociated recognition of the
object on an impersonal, not personal and spontaneous basis.[11] But while such a
pathological false self stifled the spontaneous gestures of the true self in favour of a lifeless
imitation, Winnicott nevertheless considered it of vital importance in preventing
something worse: the annihilating experience of the exploitation of the hidden true self
itself.[4]
Description
True self

There is true self that has a sense of integrity, of connected wholeness that harks to
the early stage.
False self

When the person has to comply with external rules, such as being polite or otherwise
following social codes, then a false self is used. The false self constantly seeks to
anticipate demands of others in order to maintain the relationship.
In early development, the false self is split off as an adaptation to a mother or carer who
reflects her own defenses onto the infant rather than reflecting the infant's actual moods.
Healthy false self

When the false self is functional both for the person and for society then it is considered
healthy. The healthy false self feels that that it is still being true to the true self. It can be
compliant but without feeling that it has betrayed its true self.
When the situation becomes difficult, the true self can still override the true self and so
acts as an effective conscience or super-ego.
Unhealthy false self

A self that fits in but through a feeling of forced compliance rather than loving adaptation
is unhealthy.
When the false self wins debates against the true self, the person finds that they are
unable to be guided by their true self and so has to adapt to the social situation rather
than assert it’s self.
Discussion
The true and false selves were identified by Winnicott. An unhealthy and pathological
false self never gains independence from the mother, and so never gets to transition to
independence.
These principles help explain how people seem at ease or are constantly in tension and so
act in dysfunctional ways. It also indicates how treatment is not about exposing the fragile
true self, which most of us naturally fear, but helping the individual move on, both letting
go of the unhealthy portions of the false self and building a healthy replacement.
The true self is the core of you who are, the original you, unshaped by upbringing or
society. This is the state you were born in and it is a state that still exists inside you.
This doesn’t mean that finding your true self means regressing back to childhood – just as
you have grown physically, your true self has grown too. However, it is usually strongly
guarded by the false self and, at first, might be difficult to reach.
Your false self can also be called your adapted self. This is the parts of you that have
altered behaviour, repressed feelings and pushed your needs aside to fit in with others.
This is an unconscious process that starts very young and is motivated by a base desire to
survive. From an incredibly young age, babies can sense their mothers’ needs and adapt
their own behaviour to respond to them, creating the beginnings of the false self.
*N.B.: I don’t see the true self as a ‘higher self’ or something that communicates with,
relates to or equates to any god-like figure. This is a purely rational, planet Earth-based,
non-mystical exploration.
Onions
Imagine people are like onions. At the centre lies our true self, surrounded by layers we
have developed through our lives as protection. These layers are our false self.
The centre of the onion needs these protective layers to be able to survive.
Most of us also need our false selves as protection to survive childhood, and we carry these
layers with us through our adult lives. Once, they were useful – they helped us survive.
Now, however, they are no longer needed and might actually be more of a hindrance than a
help.
Practical Examples
The above might sound a little abstract, so here are some examples of situations in which
encourage a false self to form:
1. Western expectations that real men don’t cry and well brought up women don’t get
angry – of course they do.
2. A 2 year-old is playing with her mother’s necklace out of curiosity and is snapped at
‘Don’t touch!’
3. Girls are given the message that personality and values doesn’t mean much, if anything –
however, the
right weight and ‘look’ will help further them in life.
4. An upset child is told to stop crying ‘You’re embarrassing me/yourself. You’re making a
scene. There’s no reason for you to be upset.’ If a child is upset, there is always a reason and
it is always important – however small it might seem to an adult.
None of the above are made up. In fact, they are cultural norms.
Who Am I Really? True Self vs False Self

While the true self is represented by our real feelings and desires, while the false self is a
side of us that has changed its behaviour, repressed feelings and pushed needs aside in
order to survive. We introduced the idea of the onion – the true self at the centre protected
by outer layers of false self.

According to developmental psychologists like John Bowlby and D. W. Winnicott, children

are very attuned to their parents’ feelings and needs. They unconsciously recognize that
they need their parents’ approval in order to survive, so strive to meet their needs as much
as possible.
The true self – the child’s real feelings, needs, desires and thoughts – is pushed further and
further inside the onion. Of course, we still have all of these feelings, needs, desires and
thoughts, it’s just that the adapted false self dominates: it has to.

Although this striving is necessary in our younger years, it changes us. The false-self
thought and behaviour patterns we develop during childhood stay with us as adults. While
they used to be helpful, they often become a hindrance as we get older and gain more
independence.

While some psychologists view the true self as black and white (true self is good, false self
is bad), others maintain there are two types of false self: a healthy false self and an
unhealthy false self.

The Healthy False Self

The healthy false self is described as one which allows someone to be functional in society.
It enables politeness and social courtesy, even when we may not feel like it.

There are times in our day-to-day lives when it would be harmful for us to let our true
selves dominate. For instance, we don’t bare our deepest feelings and thoughts while at
work. That kind of vulnerability would not only demonstrate a lack of boundaries but
would also open us up to potential attack from others who might not treat our feelings with
acceptance.

Instead, we use our healthy false self: one that functions perfectly and allows us to live our
lives, but protects the true self, keeping it safe until a time when we are around people we
know we can trust.

Put simply, a major component of the healthy false self is an awareness of personal
boundaries.

A healthy false self is one that works with and stays committed to the true self. It is a form
of useful self-protection, in that it shields us at times when vulnerability would not be
appropriate, or might even be harmful.

The Unhealthy False Self

The unhealthy false self comes from the same origins as the healthy false self. However, for
our long-term well-being, the effects of the unhealthy false self are quite different to those
of its counterpart.

This false-self is the one behind much dysfunctional behaviour, including narcissism and
addiction. D. W. Winnicott defines the unhealthy false self as one that fits into society
through forced compliance rather than a desire to adapt.

Real-life examples of the false self are based around certain beliefs that we take on in order
to fit into our worlds better.

If I am pretty, I will be more likeable.

If I have a lot of money, I am successful.

If I work hard/achieve more, I will have more value.

One more glass of wine, and I’ll start feeling better.

In our society, there is a huge emphasis on altruism and being selfless. We are taught to put
others before ourselves that it is good to ‘be there’ for other people and that self-sacrifice is
a virtue.

All these beliefs are false self beliefs.

Our real feelings and desires matter.

They are what they are, and they are part of who we are. The ‘shoulds’, ‘ought tos’ and ‘have
tos’ are learned ideas, not part of our true selves. When we think about how many activities
we may carry out in our daily lives through a sense of obligation, it might be useful to trace
these ‘shoulds’ back to their origin.

The only obligation we have to anyone is to ourselves.