AMERICAN

TtMIRE PLAYSCRIPT

Zilah Mendoza as Matilde in the Yale Repertory Theatre production, Septemher 2004.

ABOUT THE PLAYWRIGHT Sarah Ruhl's plays include The Clean House (Susan Smith Blackburn Award, 2004), Melancholy Play, Eury-
Jicc, Late: a cowboy song, Orlando and Passion Play. Recent projects include The Clean House at Yale Repertory Theatre, directed by
Bill Rauch, and Eurydice at La Jolla Playhouse, directed by Daniel Fish. Her plays have been performed at the Actors TTieatre of Louisville,
Madison Repertory Theatre, Williamstown Theatre Festival, the Actors Centre in London, Clubbed Thumb in New York, Trinity
Repertory Company in Providence, the Children's Theatre Company in Minneapolis, Actors" Gang Theatre in Hollywood; as well as at
Vassar College, Princeton University and Brown University. Her work has been developed in New York at such theatres as the Public The-
ater, Playwrights Horizons and tbe Underwood Theater; and regionally at Arena Stage, McCarter Thearre Center, Seattle Repertory The-
atre, South Coast Repertory and About Face Thearre. She received her MFA from Brown University, where she studied with Paula Vogel.
She is originally from Chicago, where her plays were first produced by Joyce Piven at the Piven Theatre Workshop. In 2003, she was the
recipient of a Helen Merrill Award and a Whiting Writers' Award. She is a member of New Dramatists.

ABOUT THE PLAY The Clean House was developed at the McCarter Thearre Center (directed by Rebecca Brown), Seattle Repertory The-
atre (directed by Kristin Newboni), the Underwood Theater [directed by Moises Kaufman), the Piven Theatre Workshop (directed by Jes-
sica Thebus), the Women's Project {directed by Mark Wing-Davey) and South Coast Repertory (directed by Bill Rauch). It premeired at Yale
Repertory Theatre (James Bundy, artistic director; Victoria Nolan, managing director) in New Haven, Conn., on Sept. 17. The production
was directed by Bill Rauch; sets were by Christopher Acebo, lighting by Geoff Korf, sound and original music by Andre Pluess and cos-
tumes by Shigeru Yaji. The dialect coach was Stephen Gabis, the dramaturg was Rachel Rusch and the production stage manager was James
Mountcastle. The cast featured Tom Bloom as Charles, Franca M. Barchiesi as Ana, Laurie Kennedy as Virginia, Zilah Mendoza as Matilde
and Elizabeth Norment as Lane.

Thank you. in no particuiar order, to: Kathj- Ruhl, Joytc Piven, Bill Rauch, Jessica Thchiis, Daniel Fiiih. Rebecca Brown, Julierte Carillo, Mark Wing-Davey, Janice Paran, Lisa McNiilty,
l.i/ l".nydm;lil. R.lndy Danscn, C'ute de Pablo, [Tanira Barchiesi. Marsha Mason, Swoosie Kurtz, Mary Louise Burke, Christopher Acebo. Rachel Rusth, Ancirc l'luess, Giovanna Sardelli,
Peter Strauss, Mary Lou Rosaco, Li/bech McKay, Joan Macintosh, IVOHHL' Coll, Zilah Mendoza, Laurie Kennedy, Carmen de Lavallade, Tom Bloom, Elizabeth Normeni. .^niy War-
ren. Bernif Deck, Mary Ann Thebus, Kristin Newbom. Chris Sumptinn. .Merv .Antonio, Olga Sanchez, Richard Sanders, Mandy Hackett, Moises K.iufman, Jerry Patch, Kathleen Tolan,
Kafcn Zacarids, Julia Cho, lorgc Cotrinas, Andy Brap,en, t!aridad bvich. OctavioSolis, Fernando Oliveira. Anna Fluck, Elizabeth Jackson. Blair Brown. Mimi Kiisore, Veronica Cruz,
Paula Vogcl, Oaig Watson. Tin.l Howe, the Women's I'roiea. Yale Repertory Theatre, the McCarter Thearre Center, Seattle Repertory Theaite. the Underwood Theater, the Piven
Thi'acre Workshop, everyone at the Lark Pla; Development Cetiter, Siiuih Coast Repi-ttory. the Wilma Theiier, Woolly Matiimoth Theatre. —Sjrab Riihl

The CleMi House, copyright © 21)04 by Sarah Ruhi. All inquiries regariiitig rights should be addressed to Bruce Ostler, Bret Adams Ltd,. 44fi West 44th St, New York, N^' 10036,
1212) 765-5(130. Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that performances of The Clean House are subjea to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the
United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copyright: union (including the Pominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of

N o \ t; M B F. R 2 0 0 4 A M E R I C A N T H E A T R E A9
 THE CLEAN HOUSE SARAH RUHL

CHARACTERS
Lane, a doctor, ii woman in her early
fifties. She wears white.
Miitilde, Lane's cleaning lady, a woman in
her late twenties. She wears black. She
is Brazilian. She has a refined sense of
deadpan.
Virginia, Lane's sister, a woman in her late
fifties.
A Man, a man in his late fifties. In Act 2,
the Man becomes Charles.
Charles is a compassionate surgeon. He is
childlike underneath his white coat.
A Woman, in her sixties. Or seventies. It is
important that she be older than Lane.
In Act 2, the Woman becomes Ana.
Ana is Argentinean. She is impossibly
charismatic.
Everyone in this play should be able to tell
a really good joke.
SET
A white living room.
White couch, white vase, white lamp,
white rug.
A balcony.
PLACE
A metaphysical Connecticut.
A NOTE ON SUBTITLES
The director might consider projecting sub-
titles in the play (sparingly] for some scene titles
and some stage directions. In the first pro-
duction, we used:
A woman tells a joke in Portuguese.
Lane.
Virginia.
Matiide.
Matilde tries to think up the perfect joke.
Matiide tries to think up the perfect joke.
Virginia and Lane experience a primal
moment in which they are 7 and 9
years old.
Virginia has a deep impulse to order the
universe.
Charles performs surgery on the woman he
loves.
Ana.
Charles.
They fall in love.
They fall in love some more.
They fall in love completely.
Matiide tries to think up the perfect joke.
Lane makes a house call to her husband's
soul mate.
Lane forgives Ana.
Lane calls Virginia.
The funniest joke in the world.
A NOTE ON JOKES
I want the choice of jokes to be somewhat
open, allowing for the possibility that different
productions may come up with different
and more perfect Brazilian jokes. So please
use these jokes as you will.
JOKE #1: Tem um casal na cania depois de
fazer amor. Ela vira para o marido e pergunta,
"Se eu morresse voce casava outra vez?" O
marido responde, "Claro que nao!"
MUHLER: Nao?! Por que nao?! Nao gosta de
estar casado?
M.^RIDO: Claro que gosto!!!
MUHLER: Entao por que e que nao casava de
novo?
Ai o marido para e pensa um pouco, "Ta bom,
casava...
MUHI.KR (com um olhiir magoado): Casava?
MARIDO: Casava. So porque foi bom com
voce.
MUHLKR; E ia dormir com ela na nossa cama?
MARIDO: Onde mais?
MLFHLER: E ia trocar as minhas fotografias por
fotografias dela?
MARIDO: Claro....
MUHI.ER: E ela ia usar o meu carro?
MARIDO: Nao. Ela nem dirige...
Translation: There's a couple in bed and
they've just made love. The woman turns to
her husband and aks, "Would you marry
again?" The husband says, "Of course not!"
WIFE: Why not? Don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
wiFi:: Then why wouldn't you marry again?
The husband thinks about it and says: "Okay,
I'll marry again."
WIFE (With a pained lookj-.yoa'W marry?
HUSBAND: I'll marry. Because it was so good
with you.
wii P.: So would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else?
x^tEF: And would you replace my photographs
with her photographs!
HUSBAND: Of course.
E: And would she use my car?
HUSBAND: No, she doesn't drive.
JOKE #2: Por que os homens na cama sao
como comida de microondas? Estao prontos
em trinta segundos.
Translation: Why are men in bed like
microwave food? They're done in thirty sec-
onds.
JOKE #3: O meihor investiniento que existe
e compiiir um argentino pelo valor que ele vale
e depois vende-Io pelo valor que ele acha que
viile.
Translation: The best investment ever is to buy
an Ai^gentinean for what he is really worth and
later sell him for what he thinks he is worth.
A NOTE ON LULLABIES
There are many beautiful Brazilian lulla-
bies. We used this one in the first production:
Se essa rua, se essa rua fosse minha
Eu mandava, eu mandava ladrilhar
Com pedrinhas, com pedrinhas de brilhante
P'ra Matiide, so p'ra Matiide passar
If that street, if that street were mine
I would have ic, I would have it paved
With little stones, with little diamond
stones
For Matiide, only for Matiide to go by.
A NOTE ON DANCING
If you cast a really good dancer in the role of
Ana, you might change Matilde's line in
Scene 6 to: "My father is not the best dancer
in the world." And you might consider stag-
ing a rather lengthy samba in that scene.
A NOTE ON
PRONUNCIATION
Marilde is pronounced by the Americans in
the play as Matilda. It is pronounced by
Ana as Mathilda. And it is pronounced by
Brazilians and the more observant characters
in the play as time goes on as Ma-chil-gee.
This play is dedicated to the doctors
in my life.

N O V E M B E R 2 0 0 4 A M E R I C A N T H E AI R E B 1
 THE
THE CLEAN
HOUSE
ACT ONE
1. Matilde
MatiUie tells a long joke in Portuguese to the misunderstand me—I'm an educated woman.
iuuiience.
We can tell she is telling a joke even though day, no one would have to clean my kitchen.
we might not understand the language.
She finishes the joke.
She exits.
2. Lane
Line, tv the audience.
LANK: It has been such a hard moiuh.
My cleaning lady—from Brazil—decided
that she was depressed one day and stopped
cleaning my house.
I was like: clean my house!
And she wouldn't!
We took her to the hospital and I had her med-
icated and she Still Wouldn't Clean.
And—in the meantime—I've been cleaning
my house!
I'm sorry, bur I did not go to medical school
to clean my own house.
3. Virginia
Virginia, to the audience.
VIRGINIA: People who give up the privilege
of cleaning their own houses—they're insane
people.
If you do not dean: how do you know it' >'ou've
made any progress in life? I love dust. The dust mother died last year. Have you ever heard
always makes progress. Then I remove the dust.
That is progress.
If it were not for dust I think I would die. If explain it. They argued, they said she choked
there were no dust to clean then there would
be so much leisure time and so much think-
ing time and I would have to do something
besides thinking and that thing might be to
slit my wrists.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha just kidding.
Fm not a morbid person. That just popped out!
My sister is a wonderful person. She's a doc-
tor. At an important hospital. I've always won-
dered how one hospital can be more important
than another hospital. They are places for
human waste. Places to put dead bodies.
I'm sorry. I'm being morbid again.
My sister has given up the privilege of clean-
6 2 A M E R I C A N T H E A T R E
C L E A N H O U S E S A R A H
ing her own house. Something deeply per-
sonal—she has given up. She does not know
how long it takes the dust to accumulate
under her bed. She does not know if her
husband is sleeping with a prostitute because
she does not smell his dirty underwear. All of
these things, she fails to know.
I know when there is dust on the mirror. Don't
But if I were to die at any moment during the
4. Matilde
Matilde. to the audience.
MATii DK: The stor>- of my parents is this. It was
said that my father was the funniest man in
his village. He did not marr>- until he was sixt>"-
three because he did not want to marry a
woman who was not funny. He said he would
wait until he met his match in wit.
And then one day he met my mother. He used
to say: your mother—and he would take a long
pause— (Matilde takes a long pause) —is fun-
nier than 1 am. We have never been apart since
the day we met, because 1 always vi'anted to
know the next joke.
My mother and father did not look into each
other's eyes. They laughed like hyenas. Even
when they made love they laughed like hye-
nas. My mother was old for a mother. She said
it took time for a woman to develop a sense
of humor. She refused many proposals. It
would kill her, she said, to have to spend her
days laughing at jokes that were not funny.
(Pause)
I wear black because I am in mourning. My
the expression: I almost died laughing? Well
that's what she did. The doctors couldn't
on her own spit, but they don't really know.
She was laughing at one of my father's jokes.
A joke he took one year to make up, for the
anniversary of their marriage. When my
mother died laughing, my father shot himself.
And so I came here, to clean this house.
5. Lane and Matilde
Lane enters.
Matilde is looking out the luindow.
lANF: Are you all right?
MATIl.Dh; Yes.
1 ANf: Would you please clean the bathroom
when you get a chance?
R U H L
MATH OF.: Yes.
I.ANE: Soon?
MATILDE: Yes.
Matilde looks at Lane.
1 AN!'.: The house is very dirty.
Matilde is silent.
I AM : This is difficult for me. I don't like to
order people around. I've never had a live-in
maid.
Matilde is silent.
LANi-.: Matilde—what did you do in your
country before you came to the United States?
^L^^^l DH: 1 was a student. 1 studied humor. You
know—jokes.
LANF.: I'm being serious.
MATILDF: I'm being serious, too. My parents
were the funniest people in Brazil And then
they died.
LANF: I'm sorry.
That must be very difficult.
MATILDE: I was the third funniest person in my
family. Then my parents died, making me the
first funniest. There was no one left to laugh
at my jokes, so I left.
LANL: That's very interesting. I don't—
always—understand the arts. Listen. Matilde.
I understand that you have a life, an emotional
life—and that you are also my cleaning lady.
If 1 met you at—say—a party—and you said,
I am from a small village in Brazil, and my
parents were comedians, I would say: that's
very interesting. You sound like a very mter-
esting woman.
But life is about context.
And I have met you in the context of my house,
where I have hired you to clean. And I don't
want an interesting person to clean my house.
I just want my house—cleaned.
Lane is on the verge of tears.
MATH DF: Is something wrong?
LANE: No, it's just that—I don't like giving
orders in my own home. It makes me—
uncomfortable. 1 want you to do all the
things I want you to do without my having
to tell you.
NL'\Tii.nF: Do you tell the nurses at the hospital
what to do?
LANE: Yes.
M.\TILDF: Then pretend I am your nurse.
LANE: Okay.
Nurse—would you polish the silver, please.
.MATILDE: A doctor does not say: Nurse—
would you polish the silver, please.
A doctor says: Nurse—polish the silver.
N O V E M B E R 2004
 T H E C L E A N H O U S E S A R A H
[,ANH,: You're right. Nurse—polish rhe silver. viluiiMA: No. I mean—am I interrupting you?
MATILDE: Yes, doctor. MATUDt:: N o . I was just—cleaning. Your sis-
Matilde gets out silver polish and begins ter is at work.
polishing. viRC.iNiA: She's always at work.
Liwe watches her for a mometit, then exits. MAI iLDi: Would you like to come in.^
VIRGINIA: Yes. Actually—I came to see you.
6. Matilde They enter the living room.
Matildi' stops cleaning. VIRGINIA: Lane tells me that you've been teel-
MAiii n i : I'his is how 1 imagine my parents. ing a little blue.
Music. MATII.OFL: Blue?
A dashing couple appears. viRClNiA: Sad.
Mkin.lWi They are dancing. MATii.Di:: Oh. She told you that?
They are not the best dancers in the world. VIRGINIA: Come, sit on the couch with me.
Tlicy laugh until laughing makes them kiss. MAIILDIi: Okay.
They kiss until kissing makes them laugh. Virginia goes to sit on the couch.
They dance. She pats the couch.
They laugh until laughing makes them kiss. Matilde sits down next to her.
They kiss until kissing makes them laugh. VIRGINIA: Do you miss home?
Matilde luatches. MATILDE: Of Course I do. Doesn't everyone?
viRtilNlA: Is that why you've heen sad?
7. Virginia and Matilde MATii.DE: No. I don't think so. It's just that—
The dinyrbt'll rings. I don't like t o clean houses. I think it makes
The music stops. me sad.
Matilde's parents exit. VIRGINIA: You don't like to clean houses.
They blow kisses to Matilde. MATII-DF.: No.
Matilde waves back. VIRGINIA: But that's so simple!
The doorbell rings again. MATILDK: Yes.
Matilde answers the door. VIRGINIA: Why don't you like to clean?
MATIl.Dt-: Hello. MATH DH: I've never liked to clean. When I was
vrRGINIA: Hello. You are the maid? a child 1 thought: if the floor is dirty, look at
.MATIlDf:: Yes. the ceiling. It is always clean.
You are the sister? V[R(.INIA: I like cleaning.
viK(;iNiA: Yes. MATILOK: You do? Why?
H o w did you know? viRt;iNlA: It clears my head.
MAllLDL: I dusted your photograph. MATILDE: So it is, for you, a religious practice?
My boss said: this is my sister. We don't VIRGINIA: N o . It's just that: cleaning my
look alike. house—makes me feel clean.
I thought: you Jon't look like my boss. You NL\HLl)E: But you don't clean other people's
must be her sister. houses. For money.
My name is Matilde. (Braziticin pronuncia- VIRGINIA: No—I clean my own house.
tion of Matilde} MATII.DE: I think that is different.
VlRcrNlA; I thought your name was Matilde. VIRGINIA: D o you feel sad while you are
(American pronunciation of Matilde) cleaning? O r before? Or after?
: Kind of. MAI iLDi:: I am sad when I think about clean-
: Nice to meet you. ing. But I try not to think about cleaning while
MATIMM:: Nice to meet you. I don't know your I am cleaning. 1 tr>' to think of jokes. But some-
name. times the cleaning makes me mad. And then
V1RC;1NIA: O h ! My name is Virginia. I'm not in a funny mood. And that makes me
MAIII-DK: Like the state? sad. Would you like a coffee?
vmciNlA: Yes. VIRGINIA: I would love some coffee.
Matilde continues to stand in front of the door. Matilde goes to get a cup of coffee from the
MAiii.Uh: Tve never been to Virginia. kitchen.
vfRGINIA: Maybe I should go. Virginia puts her finger on the tabletops to
r: To Virginia? test the dust.
N ( 1 V I: M B !•
R U H L
Then she wipes her dirty finger on her skirt.
Then she tries to clean ber skirt but she has
nothing to clean it with.
Matilde comes hack and giues her the coffee.
ViRf.iNiA: Thank you.
MAiiLDi;: You're welcome.
Virginia drinks the coffee.
VIRGINIA: This is good coffee.
MATH 1)1: We make good coffee in Brazil.
vmtilNiA: Oh—that's right. You do!
MATil.DE: Does that help you to place me in
my cultural context?
VIRGINIA: Lane didn't describe you accurately.
H o w old are you?
MATlLDi;: Young enough that my skin is still
good.
Old enough that I am starting to think: is my
skin still good?
Does that answer your question?
V]R<,INIA: Yes. You're twenty-seven.
Matilde nods.
MATILDA: You're good.
VIRGINIA: Thank you.
Virginia looks furtively toward the door.
VIRGINIA: Listen. Matilde. (American pro-
nunciation)
MATILDE (Brazilian pronunciation): Matilde.
VIRGINIA: Yes.
I have a proposition for you.
MATILDE: A proposition?
VIRGINIA: A deal.
I like to clean. You do not tike to clean.
Why don't I clean for you.
MATH D1-: You're joking.
VIRGINIA: N o .
MATILDE: I don't get it.
What do you want from me?
viRCilNIA: Nothing.
MATILDE: Then—why?
VIRGINIA; I have my house cleaned by approx-
imately 3:12 every afternoon. I have folded
the corner of every sheet. The house is quiet.
The gold draperies are singing a little lullaby
to the ottoman. The silverware is gently
sleeping in its box. I tuck in the forks, the
spoons, the knives. I do not have children.
MAIiLDt: I'm sorry.
viRCilNiA (Faster and faster): Don't be sorry.
My husband is barren. Is that the right word
for a man? 1 never thought that the world was
quite good enough for children anyway. I did-
n't trust myself to cope with how sick and ugly
the world is and how beautiful children are
and the idea of watching them grow into the
A M fc K 1 L A N T U [• A 53
 THE
dirt and mess of the world—someone might
kidnap them or rape them or otherwise tram-
ple on their innocence, leaving tliem in the mid-
dle oi the road, naked, in some perverse
sexuj] position, to die while strangers rode
past on bicycles and tried not to look. I've
thought iiboiit dotng some volunteer work,
hut I don't know who to volunteer tor.
A pause. She looks at Matilde.
VIH(,INI;\: Since I was twenty-two, my life
has gone downhill, and not only have I not
done what I wanted to do, but 1 h.ive lost the
quiilities and temperament that would help
me reverse the downward spiral—and now
I am a completely different person.
I don't know why I am telling you all of
this, Mathalina.
Matilde and Virginia look at each other.
Matilde thinks ahout correcting Virginia.
She doesn't.
M.'Mlini-: Go on.
viRc ,iNi.\: I used to study Greek literature. One
summer my husband and 1 went to Europe.
It was supposed to be relaxing but I have trou-
ble relaxing on vacations. We were going to
see ruins and I was going to write about
ruins but 1 found that 1 had nothing to say
about them. I thought: why doesn't someone
just sweep them up! Get a very large broom!
I'm sorry. I was trying to say...
MAI II ni; You were telling me bow y<)ur life
has gone downhill since you wet e twenty two.
viRtilNlA: Yes. The point is: every day my house
is cleaned by 3 o'clock. I have a lot of—time.
I'd be ver>' happy to come here and clean Lane s
house before Lane gets home from work. That
is what I'm telling you. Only don't tell her. She
wouldn't like it.
MAI I! 1)1:1 will let you clean the house if it will
make you feel better.
vim.lMA: Let's start in the bathroom. I love
cleaning the toilet. It's so dirty, and then it's
so clean!
8. Lane and Matilde
Matilde is reading the funny papers.
Lane enters.
1 ANi:: It's so clean!
MAlii.i'i: Yes.
I AN>: The medication is helping?
MATH Db: I'm feeling much better.
LANI-; Well—that's terrific.
Lane exits.
Mjtilde takes out her medication.
64 r K 11 A \ T H E A T R E
C L E A N H O U S E SARAH
She undoes the hottle,
takes one pill out,
looks at it,
and throws it in the garbage can.
9. Matilde
MAI 111)1 (]\> the audience): The perfect joke
makes you forget about your life. The perfect
joke makes you remember about your life. The
perfect joke is stupid when you writt" it
down. The perfect joke was not made up by
one person. It passed through the air and you
caught it. A perfect joke is somewhere between
an angel and a fart.
Tbis is how I imagine my parents:
Music.
Miitilde's mother and father appear.
They sit at a cafe.
My mother and father are at a cafe.
My mother is telling my father a joke.
It is a dirty joke.
My father is laughing so hard that he is bang-
ing his knee on the underside of the table.
My mother is laughing so bard that she spits
(Hit her water.
I am with them at the cafe. 1 am eigiit yejis oid.
I say: what's so funny?
(1 hate not understanding a joke.)
My mother says:
Ask me again wben you're thirty.
Now I'm almost tbirty. And I'll never know
the joke.
Matilde's mother and father look at her.
They exit.
10.Virginia and Matilde
The next day.
Virginia folds laundry.
Matilde watches.
Virginia is happy to be cleaning.
MAiiint.: You're good at that.
\'IR(.INIA: Thank you.
.MATH ni-: You want to bear a joke?
vmt.lNiA: Not really.
MAru.DH: Why?
VIIUilNIA: I don't like to laugh out loud.
MAI 11.1)1: Why?
VIRGINIA: 1 don't like my laugh. It's like a
wheeze. Someone once told me that. Wbo was
it—my husband? Do you have a husband?
MATUUE: No.
viR(,iNiA: That's good.
MATH 1)1: Do you like your husband?
\'lRt.lN'IA: My husband is like a well-placed
R U H L
coucb. He takes up the rigbt amount of
space. A man should not be too beautiful. Or
too good in bed, A nun should be—functional.
And well chosen. Otherwise you're in
trouble.
M.vniT>E: Does he make you laugh?
\'ii{t..lsiA: Ob, no. Something uncontrollable
would come out of my mouth wlicn be
wanted it to. 1 wouldn't like that.
MAlil.Di: A good joke cleans your insides
out. If I don't laugb for a week, 1 feel dirty.
I feel dirty now, like my insidcs are rotting.
viHt.iNiA: Someone should make you laugh.
Vm nor the person to do it.
MATUUE: My mother once said to me: Matilde,
in order to tell a good joke, you have to
believe that your problems are vcr>' small, and
tbat rhe world is very big. She said: if more
women knew more jokes, there would be more
justice in this world.
Virginia starts folding underwear.
Matilde watches.
\iK(.iMA: I've never seen my sister's underwear
before.
MAiiiDi: Her underwear is practical. And
white.
Virginia continues to fold underwear.
VIRC.IMA: I wonder if Lane bas gone througb
menopause yet. Her underwear is very white.
Some women tbrow out underwear when tbey
get a blood stain. Other women keep wasb-
ing tbe stain.
MATILDE: I can't afford to throw away under-
wear. If I could, believe me, I would. I would
buy new underwear every day: purple, red,
gold, orange, silver...
Virginia folds a pair of men's underwear.
viRCiNiA: It's a little weird to be touching my
brotber-in-law's underwear.
He's a very bandsome man.
When be and Lane first met, I thougbt: Lane
gets the best of everything. A surgeon. With
a specialty. He's—cbarismatic.
Virginia touches her brother-m-law's under-
wear as she folds.
V1R(.1MA: Tben I tbougbt: it's better to bave
a busband wbo is not tin) handsome. Tben
you don't worry about bim.
Virginia continues to fi)id underwear.
She comes across a pair of tvonien's black
underwear.
viRciNiA: These don't look like Lane.
M.Vni D1-: N o .
vnu.lNiA: Too shiny
N o V 2 (t I) 4
 T H E C L E A N H O U S E S A R A H R U H L

MAI II 1)1-: T o o sexy.

Matilde and Virginia look at each other.

11.Lane and Virginia

have coffee
Lane and Virginia have coffee in the living
room.
viRCiiNiA: The house is so clean!
1 AN'!.: Thanks.
vin(,iMA: It's working out-—with your maid?
What's lier name?
I ANl' (American proniinciatiofi): Matilde.
ViRiiiNiA: That's right. Matilde. (Americanpro-
niinciatioti)
Don't they say Matilde (Brazilian pronun-
ciation) in Rrazil?
I AN1-: I don't know.
\iKiilN!A: I think rhey do.
I ANli: H o w would you know?
Virginia shrugs.
VIKt.IMA: M m . . .
I ANh: Well, I'm sure she would tell me if I were
saying her name wrong. Anyway. She seems Matilde (Zilah Mendaza) and Laurie Kennedy as Virginia.
much better. How are you?
vmc.iNiA: Oh, fine. I should have introduced you. I can't get LANI-: Next week is crazy. But soon.
How's Charles? used to having another person m the house. Virginia nods.
LANE: Why do you ask? VMUilNiA: Mmm. Yes. It must make you
VIRGINIA: N o reason. uncomfortable to—I don't know—read a 12.Lane and Matilde
LANh: He's Hne. magazine while someone cleans up after Night.
VIRGINIA: That's good. The last time I saw you. Matilde is trying to think up a joke.
Charles was Christmas. You both work so LAN!: I don't read magazines, Virginia. I go A stihtitle projects:
hard. to work exhausted and I come home MATIIDI TKirS TO THINK Ul' IHii PERFECT
I.ANE: He's been doing nine surgeries a day— exhausted. That is how most of the people in JOKE.
we hardly see each other. I mean, ot^ course this country function. At least people who have Matilde looks straight ahead,
we see each other, but, you know how it is. jobs. in the dark, in the living room.
More coffee? A pause. She thinks.
VIRGINIA; N o , thanks. For a moment. Lane comes home frotn work.
i ANi:: Matilde! Could you clear these, please? Lane and Virginia experience She turns a light on.
Matilde enters from the kitchen. u( prifnal nionient during which they LANE: Oh! You startled me.
MAllinr (To Virginia): Your cup, miss? are seven and nine years old, MATILDE: You Startled me too.
VIHGINIA: Oh, I'll get it— inside the mind, respectively. LANt: What are you doing in the dark?
Matilde winks at Virginia. They are mad. MATII-Dh: I was trying to think up a joke.
Matilde clears the plates. Then they return quite naturally I almost had one.
vim.iNiA: Thanks. to language, as adults do. Now it's gone.
MATILDE: Did everyone like their coffee? IANE: Sorry—I didn't mean— LANE: Oh—well—can you get it back again?
1.ANH and VlRCilNIA: Yes. VIRGINIA: I know. MATILDE: I doubt it.
.MATH Di: Good. At the same time: LANK: Oh.
She exits. VIRi;i\IA: LANE: Is Charles home?
LANE: Oh. Thar's Matilde. Sorry. That was Are you—? I keep meaning to^—• MATILDE: N o .
rude. 1 should have introduced you. Or is it viR(.i\iA: What? LANF: D i d he call?
rude? Do you introduce the maid to the 1ANH: Oh—it's just—I keep meaning to have MATH Di:: N o .
company? you two over for dinner. It's ridiculous— LANF: Oh, well, he's probably fust sleeping at
\iiu .i\'iA: I'm not the company. I'm your sister. living so close and never seeing each other. the hospital.
LANF: You're right. VIRGINIA: You're right. Maybe nexr week? Matilde is silent.

N O V E M B E R 2 0 (I 4 A M E R I C A N T H I A I K I
 THE
l.ANF: Sometimes there's no time to call home
from the hospital. You're going from patient
ro patient, and it's—you know—crazy. When
we were younger—Charles and I—if we had
a crazy night at the hospital—we would
page each other, we had this signal—2 for good
night and 3 for—well, I don't know why
I'm rhmkmg about this right now. The point
is—when you get older, you just know that
a person is thinking of you, and working hard,
and thinking of you, and you don't need
them to call anymore. Since Charles and I are
both doctors we hoth—understand—how
it is.
MATTLDF: Mmm.
A silence.
1.ANK: Well, good iiighr.
MATILDE: Good night.
LANE: Are you going to—just—sit here?
MATlLDK: I might Stay up a little longer to—
what's the word?—tidy up.
LANK: Oh. Great. Just shut the hght off when
you—
Matilde turns the light off.
: Oh. Good night.
K: Good night.
Lane exits.
A subtitle flashes:
.\LATIL1U; TRIti 1 0 THINK UP THF. rKKb-tXT JOKf,.
She shakes her head.
13.Virginia and Matilde.
Then Lane.
Virginia irons.
Matilde watches.
MATlLDE: I have a really good joke coming.
VIRGINIA: That's good.
MAni-DK: You know how most jokes go in
threes? Like this; Da da DA. I'm making up
one that goes in sixes: Da da Da da da DA.
VIRGINIA: I didn't know jokes had time sig-
natures.
MAI ll.DK: Oh, they do. Ask me what my pro-
fession is, then ask me what my greatest
problem is.
VIRGINIA: What's your profession?
MATILDE: I'm a comedian.
VIRGINIA: What's your—
,\L\Tii DV; Timing.
Matilde laughs.
VIRGINIA: That's good.
MAllLDK: But you're not laughing.
VIRC;:NIA: I'm laughing on the inside.
MAni DE: Oh. 1 like it better when people laugh
6 0 A M t K I t: A N T ^[ E A T H ii
CLEAN HOUSE SARAH RUHL
on the <iiitside. I'm kniking for the perfect joke, Lane enters.
hut I'm afraid if I found it, it would kill me. Her left hand is bleeding.
Virginia comes upon a pair of women's red She holds it with a dish towel.
underwear. VIRGINIA: Lane—what—are you—?
VIRGINIA: My God! LANE: I'm disguising myself as a patient.
.MATlini: Oh... viRt;iNiA: That's not funny.
(As in. He wouldn't dare) No— LANE: I cut myself.
VIRGINIA: N o . They look at her. alarmed.
MATILDE (As in. He might dare): But— LANE: Don't worry. Even my wounds are
VIRGINIA: Do you think—here—in rhe house? superficial.
MATU.OE: Mayhe a park. I bet he puts them VIRGINIA: Lane?
in his pocket, afterwards, and forgets, because LANi-": Can opener. I was making a martini.
he's so happy, -^nd then she's walking around VIRGINIA: Why do you need a can opener to
for the day, with no underwear, and you make a martini?
know what? She probably likes it. I ANt:: I didn't have the right kind of tucking
VIRGINIA: I hope it's not A nurse. It's such a olives, okay? I only have black olives! In a can.
cliche. \'iRt,iN[A: Lane?
MATILDE: If she's a nurse, they would pass each LANE: He's gone off with a patient.
other in the hospital, and she would say, VIIU.INIA: What?
hello doctor. And she knows, and he knows: LANE: His patient.
no underwear. MATlLDF.: Oh...
VIRGINIA: No underwear in a hospital} It's LANE: Yes.
unsanitary. Virginia and Matitde glance toward the red
MATILDE: Or—m.iybe he just likes women's underwear and look away.
underwear. He might try them on. VIRGINIA: He did a—?
VIRGINIA: Charles.' No! I.ANE: Mastectomy. Yes.
MATILDE: It's possible. You don't like to think VIRGINIA: Wow. That's very—
about it, because he's your brother-in-law, but : Generous of him?
these things happen, Virginia. They do. ^: A mastectomy?
Lane enters. Virginia gestures toward her breast.
Virginia quickly puts down the iron and sits Matitde nods.
down. VIRGINIA: How old is she?
Matilde stands and begins to iron. LANE: * Sixty-seven.
Virginia hides the red underwear. (*This line may be changed depending on the
LANL (To Virginia): What are you doing here? age of the actress)
VIRGINLV: Nothing. VIRGINIA and MATILDE: Oh!
How was work? LANE: What?
Lane doesn 't say anything. VIRGINIA: Not what I expected.
She tnoves to the kitchen. LANE: A young nurse? The maid? No. He's in
VIRGINIA: Where are you going? love.
LANE: I'm going in the other room to shoot VIRGINIA: But—with ^tn older woman?
myself. LANE: Yes.
VIRGINIA: You're joking, right? viRCiiNiA: I'm almost—impressed. She must
I ANh (From the kitchen): Right. have—substance.
Matilde and Virginia look at each other. LANE: She's not a doctor.
Matitde folds underwear. MRGINIA: Well, most men in his position...
Virginia sits. he's still—so—good-looking...
Virginia stands. I.ANE: Virginia!
Virginia sits. VIRGINI.A: Sorry.
Virginia stands. LANK: I've never been jealous, I've never been
Virginia has a deep impulse to order the suspicious. I've never thought any other
universe. woman was my equal. I'm the best doctor.
Virginia arranges objects on the coffee table. Tm the smartest, the most well-loved by my
VIRGINIA (Calling to Lane): Lane? patients. I'm athletic. 1 have poise. I've aged
20 0 4
 T H E C L E A N H O U S E S A R A H R U H L

well. I can calk ro anyone and be on equal i^oot- VIRGINIA: She's noc depressed. She doesn'c house. I want a stranger to clean my house.
ing. How, I thouglir, could he even look At any- like to clean! It makes her sad. Virginia and Lane look at Matilde.
one else. It would be absurd. Lane looks at Matilde. MAnLDh: It's all right. I'll go,
VIRGINIA: Wow. You really are—confident. LANK: Is that true? I'll pack my things.
LANE: I was blind. He didn't want a doctor. MATILDE: Yes. Good-bye Virginia.
He wanted a housewife. LANE (To Virginia): So—then—Why? Good luck finding a task.
A pause. VIRGINIA: I don't know. (She embraces Virginia}
Lane looks around the house. LANE: You looked through my rhings. Good-bye, doctor.
She sees the objects on the counter—a vjse. VIRGINIA: Not really. Good luck finding your busband.
some magazines, forcefully arranged. LANE: I find this—incomprehensible. She exits.
I ,'\NF (To Virginia): Have you been cleaning VIRGINIA: Can't I do a nice thing for you Lane and Virginia look at each other.
my house? without having a motived
Virginia and MatUde hok at each other. LANK: No. 14.Lane.
vmciNiA: No, I haven't been cleaning your V1RGINL\: That's— Then Matilde.
house. LANK: You have better things to do than LANL (To the audience): This is how I imag-
LANK: Those objects on the coffee table—that clean my house. ine my ex-husband and his new wife.
is how you arrange objects. VIRGINIA: Like what? The Man and Woman appear.
Virginia looks at the objects. LANE: 1— He undoes her gown.
viRtilNlA: I don't know what you mean. VIRGINIA: Like what? It might be a hospital gown or a hall gown.
IJVNF: Matilde—has Virginia been cleaning the LANE: I don't know. LANK: My husband undoes her gown.
house? VIRGINIA: No, you don't know. He is very gentle.
V1I«;1N|A: I said no. 1 wake up in the morning, and I wish that I He kisses her right breast.
LANE: I asked Matilde. could sleep through che whole day because (The Man kisses the Woman's right breast)
Has Virginia been cleaning the house? it is too painful, but there I am, I'm awake. He kisses the side of it.
MATILDK: Yes. So I get out of bed. I make eggs for my hus- He kisses the shadow.
LANE: For how long? band. I throw the eggshells in the disposal, I He kisses her left torso.
MATILDE: Two weeks. listen to the sound of delicate eggshells being (He kisses her left torso)
LANE: You're fired. ground by an indelicate machine. I clean He kisses the scar,
(A pause) the sink. I sweep the floor. I wipe coffee (He kisses the scar)
You're both fired. grounds from the counter. the one he made.
VIRGINIA: You can't do chat. I might have done something different with It's a good scar.
This is my fault. my life. I might have been a scholar. I might He's a good surgeon.
LANE: I'm paying her to clean my house! have described one particular ruin with the He kisses her mouth.
VIRGINIA: And your house is clean! cold-blooded poetry of which only a first-rate He kisses her forehead.
LANK: This has nothing to do with you, scholar is capable. Why didn't I? It's a sacred ritual, and
Virginia. I ANE: I don't know. I hare him.
VIRGINL\: This has everything to do with me. VIRGINIA: I wanted something—big. I didn'c Matilde enters with her suitcase.
LANE: Matilde—do you have enough money know how to ask for it. The lovers remain.
saved for a plane ticket back home? Don't blame Matilde. Blame me. I wanted— They continue to kiss one another
MATILDE: No. a task. on different body parts, a ritual.
LANE: You can stay one more week. I will buy L,\NE: I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. MATILDE: Is there anything else before I go?
you a plane ticket. Except: LANE: No. Thank you.
VIRUNLV; Lane. Your husband left you today. (To Matilde) MATILDE: Who are they?
LANE: I'm aware of that. you're fired. LANE; My husband and his patient. Don't
VIRGINIA: You're not capable of making a V!RGIN7A: It's not her fault! You can't do this. worry. It's only my imagination.
rational decision. I ANE (To Virginia): What would you like MATU-DE: They look happy.
l^NE: I'm always capable of making a rational me to do? I.ANH: Yes.
decision! VIRGINIA: Let me...take care of you. M.\T1LDE: People imagine that people who
MAili i)K: You don't need to buy me a plane LANE: I don't need to be taken care of. are in love are happy.
ticket. I'm moving to New York, to become VIRGINIA: Everybody needs Co be taken care of. LANE: Yes.
a comedian. I only need a bus ticket. l.ANi: Virginia. I'm all grown up, I DO NOT MAITLDK: That is why, in your country, people
VIRGINIA (To Lane): You can't do this! WANT TO BE TAKEN CARE OE kill themselves on Valentine's Day.
LANE: I will not have you cleaning my house, \'IRGINIA: WHY NOT? LANE: Yes.
just because che maid is depressed— LANK: I don'c want my sister co clean my : Love isn't clean like that. It's dirty.

N o V 11 L R 2 0 (J 4 A M E R I C A N T LI I AT S I
 THE CLEAN HOUSE SARAH RUHL

Matilde {Zilah Mendoza), Lane (Elizabeth Norment) and Virginia (Laurie Kennedy).

like a good joke. Do you wane ro hear a joke? And—rhere's a woman wirh him. C:HARLt:S I'mPORMS SllRGFRY ON THl WOMAN
I ANK: Sure. LANK: In the house? H t LOVHS.
Matilde tells a joke in Portuguese. VIRGINIA: Yes. Charles takes out surgical equipment.
LANt: Is that the end? LANE: Whar does she look like? He does surgery on Ana.
MATll.ni-: Yes. Is she pretty? It is an act of love.
l.ANt;; Was it funny? VIR(-1NL\: N o . If the actor who plays Charles ts a good singer,
MATll.DE: Yes. It's nor funny in translation. (With a sense of apology) She's heautiful. it would be nice if he could sing
LANE; I suppose I should laugh then. LANE: O h . an ethereal medieval tore song in Latin
MATllDK: Yes. CHARLLS (From offstage): Lane? about being medically cured by love.
Lane tries to laugh. The women look at each other. He sings acapelta as he does the surgery.
She cries. If the actress who plays Ana is a good singer,
MATii-Di.: You're crying. it would be tiice if she recovered from the
LANF,; N o , I'm nor. ACT TWO surgery and slowly sat up and sang a con-
MATlLin : I think rhat you're crying. trapuntal melody.
LANL: Well—yes. 1 think I am. The white living room has become a hospital. When the surgery is over,
Lane cries. Or the idea of a hospital. Charles takes off Ana's sheet.
She laughs. There is a balcony above the white living room. Underneath the sheet,
She cries. The Man has become Charles. she is dressed in a lovely dress.
And this goes on for some time. The Woman has become Ana. They kiss.
Virginia enters.
ViRMNlA: Charles is at the door. 1. Charles performs 2. Ana
LANE: What? surgery on the woman Ana, to the audience.
ViR(ilNL-\: Charles. In the hall. he loves. ANA: I have avoided docrors my whole life.
MATILDL; Oh... Ana lies under a sheet. I don't like how rhey smell. I don'r like how
LANE: You let him in? Beautiful music. they talk. I don't admire their emorionai
VIRGINIA: What could 1 do? A subtitle flashes: lives. I don't like how rhey walk. They walk

6S A M E R I C A N T II L A r R E N u V L VI B 1. R 2 I) (1 4
 T H E C L E A N H O U S E S A R A H R U H L

very fast to ger somewhere—tac tac rac—I am
walking somewhere itnportant. 1 don'r like
that. I like a man who saunters. Like this.
(Ana saunters across the stage like a man)
But with Charles, it was like: BLAM!
My mind was going: you're a doctoi; I hiite you.
But the rest ai me was gone, walking out the
door, with him.
When he performed surgery on me, we were
already in love.
I was under general anesthetic but I could sense
him there.
I think he put something extra in—during the
surgery.
Into the missing place.
There are stories of surgeons who leave
things inside the body by mistake:
rubber gloves, sponges, clamps—
But—you know—I think Charles left his
soul inside me.
Into the missing place.
She touches her left breast.
3. Charles
Charles, to the audience.
CHARULS: There are jokes about breast surgeons.
You know—something like—I've seen more
breasts in this city than—
I don't know the punch line.
There must be a punch line.
A pause.
a IARI.F..S: I've been faithful to my wife. We fell
in love when we were twenty-two. We had
plans. There was justice in the world. There
was justice in love. If a person was good
enough, an equally good person would fall
in love with that person.
And then I met—Ana.
Justice had nothing to do with it.
Tliere once was a very great American surgeon
tumed Haisted. He was married to a nurse. He
loved her—immeasurably. One day Haisted
noticed that his wife's hands were chapped and
red when she came back from surgery. And so
he invented rubber gloves. For her. It is one of
the grear love stories in medicine. The differ-
ence between inspired medicine and unin-
spired medicine is love.
When 1 met Ana, I knew: I loved her to the
point of invention.
4. Charles and Ana
CHARI-ES: I'm afraid that you have breast
cancer.
.•\NA: If you think I'm going to cry, I'm not
going to cry.
CHARI.KS: It's normal to cry—
ANA: I don't cry when I'm supposed to cry.
Are you going to cut it off?
CHARI F.S: You must need some time—to
digest—
.-\NA: No. I don't need time. Tell me everything.
CHARLES: You have a variety of options.
Many women don't opt for a mastectomy. A
lumpectomy and radiation can be just as
effective as—
ANA: I want you to cut it off.
CHARLFLS: YOU might want to talk with family
members—with a husband — are you
married?—or with—
ANA: Tomorrow.
CHARLFS: Tomorrow?
ANA: Tomorrow.
I:;HARI.!-:S: I'm not sure I have any appointments
open tomorrow—
ANA: I'd like you ro do it tomorrow.
CHARM'S: Then we'll do it tomorrow.
They look at each other.
They fall in love.
ANA: Then I'll see you tomorrow, at the
surgery.
CHARLES: Good-bye, Ana.
ANA: Good-bye.
They look at each other.
They fall in love some more.
She turns to go. She turns back.
AXA: Am I going to die?
t HARl.h:s: No. You're not going to die.
I won't let you die.
They fall in love completely.
They kiss wildly.
CHARLtS: What's happening?
ANA: I don't know.
CIIARLF.S: This doesn't happen to me.
ANA: Me neither.
C:HARLKS: Ana, Ana, Ana, Ana...your name
goes backwards and forwards...I love
you...
ANA: And I love you.
Take off your white coat.
They kiss.
5. Lane, Virginia, Matilde,
Charles and Ana
We are hack in the white liifing rootn.
We are deposited at the end of the last scene
from Act 1.
Charles is at the door, with Ana.
CHARLFS: Lane?
LANK: Charles.
(HARLr^s: Lane. I want us all to know each otJien
I want to do things right, from the beginning.
Lane: this is ,\na. Ana, this is my wife. Lane.
ANA: Nice to meet you. I've heard wonderful
things about you. I've heard that you are a
wonderful doctor.
l_ANt:: Thank you.
Ana holds out her hand to Lane.
Lane looks around in dishelief.
Then Lane shakes Ana's hand.
CHARLFS: This is my sister-in-law, Virginia.
ANA: Hello.
VIRGINIA: How do you do.
MATliOK: You look like my mother.
L\Nt: This is the maid. Matilde. I fired her this
morning.
ANA: Encantada, Matilde. (Nice to meet you,
Matilde}
MATILDE: Encantada. Sou do Brasil. (Nice
to meet you. I'm from Brazil)
ANA: Eu falo um pouco de portugues, mas que
eu falo, falo mal. (I know a little bit of Por-
tuguese, but it's bad)
MATll.nt:: Eh! boa tentativa! 'ta chegando la!
Es usted de Argentina? (Ah! Good try! Not
bad. You're from Argentina?)
ANA: ;G6mo lo sabe? (Hoiv did you knowf)
MATILDK (Imitating Ana's accent): ;C6mo
lo sabe? (How did yoti know)
They laugh.
I-ANf: We've all met. You can leave now,
Charles.
CHARLES: What happened to your wrist?
1ANF: Can opener.
C:HARLF.S: Oh.
Charles examines the bandage on Lane's
wrist.
She pulls her hand away.
MATiLDF: ^Ha usted estado alguna vez en
Brasil? (Have you ever been to Brazil?}
ANA: Una vez, para estudiar rocas. (Once to
study rocks)
MATTl OF: R o c a s ?
Matilde doesn't recognize the word "rocks"
in Spanish.
ANA: Si, rocas.
MATILDE: Ab, rochas! (Ah, rocks! In Por-
tuguese, pronounced "hochas ")
ANA: Si!
They laugh.
viRt.lNiA: Should we sit down?
They alt sit dotcn.

N o V i: Z 0 i) 4 A M E R I C A N T II r A r H 69
 THE CLEAN HOUSE SARAH RUHL

1ANF: Virginia—could you get us something
ro drink.
VIRGINIA: What would you like?
MATiiDi-: I would like a coffee.
.•\NA: That sounds nice. I'll have coffee too.
VIRGINIA: Charles?
(.HARl.hS: Nothing for me, thanks.
viHt.iNiA: Lane?
lANF: I would like some hard alcohol in a glass
with ice. Thank you.
Virginia exits.
IAN!': So.
11 !ARi IS: Lane. I know this is unorthodox. But
I want us to know each other.
ANA: You are very generous to have me in your
home.
I ANh: Not at all.
ANA: Yes, you are very generous. I wanted ro
meet you. 1 am not a home wrecker. The last
time I fell in liwe it was with my husband, a
long time ago. He was a geologist and a
very wild man, an alcnhoiic. But so iun\ So
crazy! He peed on lawns and did everything
bad and I loved it. But I did not want to have
children with him because he was too wild,
too crazy. I said, you have to stop drinking
and then he did stop drinking and then he died
of cancer when he was thirty-one.
(hAatildc murmurs with sympathy)
My heart was broken and I said to myself: I
will never love again. And I didn't. I thought
I was going to meet my husband—eventually—
in some kind of afterlife with fabulous rocks.
Blue and green rocks. And then I met Charles.
When Charles said he was married I said
C'harles we should stop but then Charles
referred to Jewish law and I had to say that
I agreed and that was that. I wanted you to
understand.
I ANI: Well, I don't understand. What about
Jewish law.
( HARLKS: In Jewish law you are legally obli- There are things—big invisible things—that
gated to break off relations with your wife
or husband if you find what is called your
basbert.
ANA: Your soul mate.
CHARLLS: You are obligated ia do this. Legally A silence. A cold one.
bound. There's something—metaphysically—
objective about it.
lANh: YouVe not Jewish.
uiARl.ls: I know. But 1 heard about the
bashert—<in a radio program. And it always ANA: iQue bueno! jQue chiste mas bueno!
stuck with me. When I saw Ana I knew that
was it. I knew she was my bashert.
60 A M 1- R r c A N T H E A T R E
.\NA: TTiere is a niidrash that says when a baby
is fort>' days old, inside the mother's stomach,
God pick^ out its soul mate, and people
have to spend the rest of their lives running
around to find each other.
MATILDE: So you are Jewish?
ANA: Yes.
MATILDK: A h !
CHARLES: Lane. Something very objective
happened to me. It's as though I suddenly tested
positive for a genetic disease that I've had all
along. Ana has been in my genetic code.
ANA: Yes. It is strange. We didn't feel guilty
because it was so objective. And yet both of
us are moral people. I don't know Charles
very well but I think he is moral hut to tell you
the truth even if he were immoral I would love
him because the love 1 feel for your husband
is so overpowering.
I ANK: And this is what you've come to tell
me. That you're both innocent according to
Jewish law.
ANAand t:UARl.i:s: Yes.
Virginia enters with the drinks.
MAI II ni-: Thank you.
ANA: Thank you.
Lane takes the glass from Virginia.
She downs it in one gulp.
LANF (To Virginia): Charles has come to tell
me that according to Jewish law, he has
found his soul mate, and so our marriage is
dissolved. He doesn't even need to feel guiltj'.
How about that.
\'iiU.iNiA: You have found your bashert.
LANF: How the hell do you know about a
(?ashcrt^
viRt.iNiA: I heard it on public radio.
i.ilAiu vs: I'm sorry that it happened to you,
Lane. It could just as well have happened the
other way. You might have met your bashert,
and 1 would have been forced to make way.
come unannounced—they walk in, and we
have to give way. I would even congratulate
you. Because I have always loved you.
I ANF: Well. Congratulations.
MAni-DF: Would anyone like to hear a joke?
ANA: I would.
Matilde tells a short joke in Portuguese.
Ana laughs. No one else laughs.
(What a good lake!)
(To Lane) You are firing Matilde?
LANE: Yes.
ANA: Then we'll hire her to clean our house.
I hate to clean. And Charles likes things to he
clean. At least I think he does. Charles? Do
you like things to be clean?
CFiARLES: Sure. I like things to be clean.
ANA; Matilde? Would you like to work for us?
MAI'II.DF: There is something you should
know. I don't like to clean so much.
ANA: Of course you don't. Do you have any
other skills?
\L\riLI)F: I can tell jokes.
ANA: Perfect. She's coming to live with us.
I AN!: My God! You can't just walk into my
home and take everything away from me.
ANA: 1 thought you fired this young woman.
I ANF: Yes. I did.
ANA: Have you changed your mind?
1 ANI: I don't know. Maybe.
ANA: Matilde, do you have a place to live?
MATILOE: No.
ANA: So she'll come live with us.
V1R{.,INL\: Matilde is like family.
MATlLDF,: What?
ViR(;[NiA; Matilde is like a sister to me.
ANA: Is this true?
MATILDF: I don't know. 1 never had a sister.
\'IIU,IN'IA: We clean together. We talk, and fold
laundry, as women used to do. They would
gather at the public fountains and wash their
clothes and tell stories. Now we are alone in
our separate houses and it is terrible.
ANA: So it is Virginia who wants you to stay.
Not Lane.
LANF: We both want her to stay. We love
Matilde. (An attempt at the Brazilian pro-
nunciation of Matilde)
ANA: Matilde?
MATiLDK: I am confused.
I ANT: I depend on Matilde, 1 couldn't stand
to replace her. Matilde—^are you unhappy here
with us?
MAI II I)F: I —
LANL: Is it the money? You could have a raise.
ANA: Matiide—you should do as you wish. My
house is easy to clean. I own hardly anything.
I own one table, two chairs, a bed, one
painting and I have a little fish whose water
needs to be changed. I don't have rugs so there
is no vacuuming. But you would have to do
Charles' laundry. I wil! not he his washer-
woman.
viRciN'iA: Excuse me. But I think that people
who are in love—really in love—would like to
N o V t M 2 0 II 4
 THE
clean up after each other. It I were in love with
Charles I would enjoy folding his laundry.
Lane looks at Virginia.
ANA: Matilde—what do you think? Would you
like to work for us?
VIRGINIA: Please don't leave us, Matilde.
MATiu:)K: I will split my time. Half with Lane
and Virginia, half with Ana and Charles.
How is that?
ANA: Lane?
LANE: Matilde is a free agent.
ANA: Of course she is.
CHARll'S: Well.
That's settled.
LANE: Are you leaving now?
CHARI.KS: Do you want me to leave?
A pause.
LANE: Yes.
CHARLES: Okay. Then we'll leave.
Ana and 1 are going apple picking this after-
noon.
She's never been apple picking.
Would anyone like to join us?
MAIILDE: I've never been apple picking
CHARLKS: So Matilde will come. Virginia?
viRt;iNlA: I love apple picking.
LANL: Virginia!
CHARLKS: Lane?
LANE: You must be insane! Apple picking!
My god! I'M SORRY! But—.lpple picking?
This is not a foreign film! We don't have an
arrangementl You don't even tike foreign
films! Maybe you'll pretend to like foreign
films, for Ana, but 1 can tell you now Ana,
he doesn't hke them! He doesn't like reading
the little subtitles! It gives him a headache!
c:i IARLILS: Lane. I don't expect you to—under-
stand this—immediately. But since this thing—
b;)s happened to me—I want to live life to the
fullest. I know—what it must sound like.
But it's different. I want to go apple picking.
I want to go to Machu I'icchu. You can he part
of tliat. I want to sliare my happiness with you.
LANE: I don't want your happiness.
MATH 1))- (To Ana): Es como una telenovela.
Tan triste. (It's like a soap opera. So sad)
CHARLES; Lane—I—
LANE: What.
CHARU-,S: I hojJe chat you'll forgive me one day.
I.ANE: Go pick some apples.
Good-bye.
cn.-\RLEb: Good-bye.
ANA: Good-bye.
: Good-bye.
N o V !• M Z 004
CLEAN HOUSE SARAH
VIRC;INIA: I'll stay.
Ami, Matilde and Charles exit.
LAME: I want to be alone.
VIRGINIA: No. you don't.
LANE: Yes, I do.
VIRGINIA: No, you don't.
Lane sits on the couch.
Virginia pats her shoulder.
\1R(;IN1A: Do you want—I don't know—a hot
water bottle?
LANE: No, I don't want a hot water bottle,
Virginia.
V1R(,IN1A: I just thought—
LANE: —That I'm nine years old with a cold?
viRC^lNiA: I don't know what else to do.
A pause.
I ANE: You know, actually, 1 think I'd like one.
Ir sounds nice.
6. Ana and MatJIde.
Then Charles.
Aiui and KLitilde are up on Ana's balcony.
It is high above the white living room.
It is a small perch, oi/erlooking the sea.
Through French doors, one can enter or exit
the balcony.
A room leading to the balcony is suggested
but unseen.
Matilde and Ana wear sungLtsses and sun hats.
They are surrounded by apples.
They look around at alt of the apples.
Underneath the balcony.
Lane is in her living room.
She lies down with a hot water bottle.
Ana polishes an apple.
ANA: We're never going to eat all of these
damn apples.
MA1 ii HE: But it's nice to have so many.
So many that it's crazy to have so many.
Because you can never eat them all.
ANA: Yes.
Ana picks out an apple and eats it.
MAI II HE: I like the green ones.
Which ones do you like?
ANA: The yellow ones. They're sweeter.
M.ATiLDE: We could take one bite of each
and if it's not a really, really good apple we
can throw it into the sea.
ANA: Now you're talking like a North American.
MATH DE: It will be fun.
ANA: Okay.
They start taking bites of each apple
and if they dofi't think it's a perfect apple they
throw it into the sea.
RUHL
The sea is also Lane's living room.
Lane sees the apples fall into her living room.
She looks at them.
MA'ni.DE: I made up a new joke today.
ANA: Ah! Bueno!
MATaHE: I made up eighty-four new ones since
I started working for you. I only made up one
at the other house. It was a good one though.
Sometimes you have to suffer for the really
good ones.
ANA: Why don't you tell jokes for a job?
M.-MiLnK: Some day.
Matilde throws an apple core into the living
room.
ANA: Why some day? Why not now?
MATlLDE: I'm looking for the perfect joke. But
I am afraid if I found it, it would kill me.
ANA: Why?
MATILDE: My mother died laughing.
ANA: I'm sorry.
MATILDE: Thank you.
She was laughing at one of my father's jokes.
ANA: What was the joke?
MATIlDt: I'll never know. Let's not talk about
sad things-
Matilde finds a really really good apple.
MATILDE: Try this one.
Ana tries it.
ANA: Mmmm. Perfeito.
CHARLES (From offstage): Ana!
ANA: We're on the balcony!
Charles rushes in wearmg scrubs and
carrying an enormous bouquet of flowers.
He goes to Ana and kisses her all over
and continues to kiss her all over.
ANA: My love!
We were just eating apples.
c HARl i;s: Aren't they delicious?
ANAi Here is the very best one.
Charles takes a bite of the best apple.
CHARLES: Divine!
Excuse me, Matilde.
I need to borrow this woman.
He kisses Ana.
He picks up Ana and carries her off into the
bedroom.
MATILDE: Have fun.
ANA and ( MAiUES: Thank you! We will!
They exit.
Matilde takes a bite of an apple and throws
it into the sea.
She looks into the sea.
A subtitle projects:
MATILDE TRIES TO TEIINK UP THE PERFECT JOKE.
A M I- H I ( .^ N T (I II .\ I H 01
 THE CLEAN H O U S E SARAH RUHL

She looks out at the sea. She says it's poison. Now, colors.
She thinks. He says: ANA: Okay.
She shakes her head. Vrom the balcony: CHARLES: I'll start.
CHARl ES: You have to go to the hospital! ANA: Red.
7. Matilde, Virginia MA'ULDK: And she says: CHARl I'S: No.
and Lane. ANA: I won't go to the hospital! A\A: Blue.
Ttfo ivceks later. MATH nr: Then they really fight. CHARl IS: No.
Virginia is cleaning. It's like a soap opera. ANA: I give up.
Lane shuffles cards. Charles yells and throws things at the wall. CHARl KS: Purple. We have to concentrate
I .\N!- (Shouting to Matilde who is offstage): 1ANE: Charles never yells. harder. Like tbis. Ready? You go.
Matilde! Your denl. MATILHH: Oh. he yells. ANA: I'm tired.
Matilde leaves the balcony. And Ana yells and throws things at him. CHARl V.s: I'm sorry. I'll stop.
\IH(.!NIA: Lane—your couch is filthy. They broke all the condiments and spices Charles rubs Ana's head.
WoLjIdn'r it be nice to have a tresh, clean yesterday. ANA: Why all these guessing games?
slipcover? I could sew you one. There was this yellow spice— CHARLES: You know Houdini?
l.AN'K: That would be nice. It would give you and It got in tbcir hair and on their faces ANA: The magician?
a project. until they were all yellow. CHARMS: Yes. Houdini and his wife practiced
Matilde enters. From the balcony: reading each other's minds. So that—if one
I ANt: Your deal. ANA: I don't want a doctor! of tbem died—they'd be able ro talk to each
Matilde sits. I want a man! other—you know, after.
Above them, on the balcony. A spice jar goes flying. ANA: Did it work?
Ana and Charles dance a slow dance. A cloud of yellow spice lands in Lane's living CHARl.i:s: No.
1 A.Nt: So. room. ANA: Oh.
Are you happy there.^ Ac the other house? ANA: N O HOSPITALS! CHARLES: But 1 love you more than Houdini
MATH DH: Yes. I AN!-: She won't go to the hospital? loved his wife. He was distracted—by his
[.•\NK; What's her house like? MAIII W:. No. magic. I'm not distracted. Ana. Let's go to the
MATILDE: It's little. She has a balcony that I might have to spend more time—you hospital.
overlooks the sea. k n o w ^ a t the other house. ANA: I told you.
IANI.; What's her furniture like? To help. No hospitals!
MATIl.ni: A table from one place—a chair VlRtilNlA: Poor Charles. Charles yells an incomprehensible animal
from another place. It doesn't go together. I .\NH: Poor Charles? yell.
But it's nice, Poor Ana. ANA: Don't be sad, Charles.
LANE: What does she cook? Po<)r me! CHARLES: Don't be sad! My God!
MATll.l>l: I'm not a spy! Poor sounds funny if you say it lots of times ANA: I can't take this.
LAN!-.: I'm sorry. in a row: poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, I'm going for a swim.
They play cards. poor—doesn't it sound funny? Matiide!
On the balcony. VIKCINIA: Lane? Are you all right? Come look after Charles.
Charles and Ana finish their dance. 1 ANh: Oh, me? I'm fine. I'm going swimming.
They exit, into the bedroom. Ana exits.
Lane puts down a card. 8. Ana and Charles. Charles hoks out over the balcony,
I ANt: Do they seem like they are very much Then Matilde. watching Ana run out to the water.
in love? A>ta and Charles sit on the balcony. CHARLES (To Ana): Ana! Think of a country
MAlll.lil:: Yes—they are very in love. Ana is dressed in a bathrobe. under the water! I'll guess it from the balcony!
lANt: How can you—tell? Ana and Charles try to read one another's MATH ViV: She can't hear you.
MATK.DE: They stay in bed half the day. mind. Charles disrobes to his underwear.
Charles doesn't go to work. He cancels half Belong the balcony, in the living room. He throws his clothes into Lane's living room.
bis patients. He wants to spend all his time Lane and Virginia fold laundry together. CHARl IS: Excuse me, Matilde. I'm going for
with Ana. CHARlFi: Eight. a swim.
I ANi:: Oh. ANA; No, seven. You were very close. MAriLOL: I thought you can't swim.
A pause. t:HARM;s: I'll go again. CHARLFS: I'll learn to swim.
MATii.Di.: Because Ana is dying again. ANA: Okay. Underneath the balcony, in Lane's living
LANF: What? CHARLES: Four. room.
MATII.DI-: Her disease came back. ANA: Yes! Lane comes across Charles's sweater.
She says she won't take any medicine. CHARLES: I knew it! I could see four apples. She breathes it in.
6 2 A M I B I C A N T H E A I R L N O V !L M B I- ft 2 (1 U 4
 THE CLEAN HOUSE SARAH RUHL

She weeps.
Charles leans over the balcony.
CHAR1.LS: Ana! Whar's the countiT? I think it's
a very small country! Is it Luxembourg?
An.i!
He rims off.
Matilde looks out over tbe water.
She is not trying to think of the perfect joke.
She thinks of the sea.
Sublime music.
Suddenly, with great clarity,
Matildc thinks up the perfect joke.
It hits her physically, an unexpected gift.
A Pause.
MATH W.: My God. It's the perfect joke.

9. Lane, Virginia.
Then Matilde.
Lane sits with Charles's underwear in her
hands.
Virginia enters, vacuuming.
l.ANL: Stop it!
VIRGINIA: What?
LAN!-: Stop cleaning!
viRc;[NiA: Why?
I ANE (Over the vacinmt}: I DON'T WANT
ANYTHING IN MY HOUSE TO BE GLE,\N
EVER AGAIN! I WANT THERE TO BE
DIRT AND PIGS IN THE CORNER MAYBE
SOME COW MANURE SOME BIG DIRTY
SHITTY COWS ,\ND SOME SHITTY COW-
SHIT LOTS OE IT AND LOTS OE DIRTY
ElICKING SOCKS—AND NONE OF
THEM MATCH—NONE OF THEM—
BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT—THAT
IS HOW I FEEL.
[Lane unplugs the vacuum)
VllU.INIA: Wow. I'm sorry. Matilde (Zilah Mendoza), above, and Lane (Elizabeth Norment).
I ANh: AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I WILL
NOT LET MY HOUSE BE A BREEDING 1 AN'l-: Yes. 1 see people with real problems all [.AN'E: \IRGIN1A:
GROUND FOR YOUR WEIRD OBSES- day long. At the hospital. I do so have Ana is a woman
SIVE DIRT FETISH. I WILL NOT PER- \'nu.lNIA; I think—there's a small part of me— compassion. with compassion.
MIT YOU TO FEEL LIKE A BETTER that's enjoyed watching your life fall apart. 1 do so have
PERSON JUST BECAUSE YOU PUSH DIRT To see you lose your composure. For once. compassion!
AROUND ALL DAY ON MY BEHALF. 1 thought—we can be sisters. Real viiu;iN!A: Really. How so.
vim.iNiA: I was just trying to help. sisters who tell each other real things. But IANF: I work all day to help other people! I
IANI-: Well, it's not helping. I was wrong. Well, fine. I'm not picking traded my own lil-e., my own pleasure in this
VIR(-INIA: I wonder—when itwas—thnt you up your dry cleaning anymore. I'm going to world, to help people who are sick! What do
became—such a bitch? Oh, yes, I remem- get a job. you do?
ber. Since the day you were bom, you thought LANh: What job? Virginia and Lane breathe,
rhat anyone with a problem had a defect of VIRGINIA: Any job! Matilde enters.
the will. Wt'll, you know what? You're wrong 1 ANi:: What are you qualified to dt) at this point? Virginia and Lane are in a state of silent
about rhat. Some people have problems, real VIRGINIA: No wonder Charles left. You have animal warfare,
problems— no compassion. a brand of warfare particular to sisters.
N o V I M h L Ii 2 (I H 4 A M K R I t; A N 1 n L A I R 03
 T H E C L E A N H O U S E S A R A H R U H L

MAI II 1)1: Hello. VIRCINIA: What? 10.Lane makes

I.ANi-,: I'm going to splash some water on MAlllDL: He says if she won't go to the hos- a house call to her
my face. pital, he will bring the hospital to her. He is husband's soul mate.
Lane exits. going to cut down a special tree. A "you" tree. On A)ia's balcony.
MAI ll.Di-: What's wrong with her? He called it a you tree. Lane listens to Ana's heart with a stethoscope.
VIRGINIA: Nothing. Matitde points: you. LANE: Breathe in.
On the balcony. Ana puts on a record. VIRG1NL\: A you tree? Breathe in again.
Ana listens to opera on the balcony, looking MATH.DP: A you tree. He says he's going to Lane takes off her stettwscope.
out over the sea. invent a new "you medicine." IANT: Are you having any trouble breathing?
Virginia dumps a plant on the ground and the VIRGINIA: My God. He's gone crazy with ANA: No. Rut sometimes it hurts when I
dirt spills onto the floor, love! breathe.
Virginia enjoys herself, maki?ig a giant oper- LANE: He's not crazy. It's a yew tree. Y-E-W. LANE: Where?
atic nii'ss in the lilting room. (Spelling it out) A Pacific yew tree. The hark ANA: Here.
She throws pillows on the floor. was made into Taxol in 1967. The compound lANi: Do you have pain when you're not
She throws books on the floor. prevents microtubules from decomposing. breathing?
Matitde watches. Cancer cells become so clogged with micro- ANA: Yes.
MAI II i)i: What are you doing? tubules that they are slower to grow and I.ANI-.: Where?
Virginia? divide. ANA: In my spine.
viK(,iNiA: I'M MAKING A MESS! MATH l>h: He said it was a special tree. lANL: Is the pain shatp, or dull?
Virginia finishes making her operatic mess. LANE: Yes. It is a special tree. ANA: Sharp.
The aria ends. MATILDE: He wants to planr it in the middle L.\Nt: Does it radiate?
Ana leaves the balcony. of Ana's courtyard. ANA: Like light?
M.ATILDL (To Virginia): You are okay? So she can smell the tree, while she's on her LANL: I mean—does it move? Does it move
VIRGINIA: Actually. I feel fabulous. balcony. from one place to another?
M.itilde sits down. VIRGINIA: That's beautiful. ANA: Yes. From here to there.
Matilde puts her head in her arms. I ANT: It's not beautiful, Virgmia. There is a lANE: How's your appetite?
Lane enters. woman dying, alone, while Charles chops ANA: Not great.
L.\Nt:; What the hell happened here? down a fucking tree. You must hate me.
viRCiiNiA: I was mad. How heroic. LANE: Look—I'm being a doctor tight now.
Lane looks at the living room. VIRGINIA: Does she need a doctor? That's all.
She looks at Matitde. MATILDE: Yes. She needs a doctor. Lane palpates Ana's spine.
Matitde continues to bury her head in her But she won't go to the hospital. I.ANI:: Does that hurt?
arms. So I thought 1 would ask. ANA: It hurts already.
I A\i-: What's wrong with her? Do you know any doctors who go to the LANE: I can't know anything without doing
Virginia sl?rugs. house? tests.
LANE: Matilde? VIRGINIA: You mean house calls? ANA: I know.
MATiinF: It's a mess. MATH OF: Yes, house calls. LANE: And you won't go to the hospital.
VIKUINIA: I'll clean it up. Virginia and Matilde look at Lane. ANA: No.
MATH nt: Not this. Ana. Charles. It's a mess. LANE: Why are you looking at me? LANE: AH right.
LAN!': Have they—fallen out of love? They continue to look at Lane. ANA: Do you think I'm crazy?
MATILDK: No. LANE: You want me to take care of my hus- LANL: No.
VIRGINIA: Is she very sick? band's soul mate. ANA: Well. Can I get you anything to drink?
MATILDK: Yes. VIRG1NL\: Look at her as a patient. Not a I have some iced tea.
LANIi: Oh. person. |j\NE: Sure. Thank you.
VIRGINU: How terrible. You can do that. Ana goes to get some iced tea.
VlAlll Dl-; Yes. I ANT: If she wanted to see a doctor, she'd go Lane looks over the balcony at the sea.
And now Charles has gone away. to the hospital. I am not gomg to her house. She starts weeping.
LANE; What? It would be totally inappropriate. Ana comes back with the iced tea.
MAlil i>r. (To Lane): To Alaska. They look at Lane. ANA: Lane?
\'iia;iNiA: What? Chartes watks stowty across the stage dressed LANE: Oh, God! I'm not going to cry in front
M\iii i)K (To Virginia): To Alaska. in an incredible parka and snow shoes. of you.
i ANK; But—why? He holds a map. ANA: It's okay You can cry. You must hate me.
MAHLUh: He says he's going to chop down a A great freezing wind. LANF: 1 don't hate you.
tree for Ana. ANA: Why are you crying?
A M !• R I ( A N T 11 K A r H i" N O V E .M B H K 2 0 0 4
 THE
lANi:: Okay! I hate you!
You—glow—with some kind of—thing—I
c;in't acquire that—this—thing—sort of—
glows oii you—like a veil—in reverse—
you're \ike anyone's soul mate—because you
have rhat—thing—you have a bakony—I
don't have a balcony—Charles looks at
you—he glows too—you're like two glow-
worms—he never looked at me like that.
ANA: Lane.
[.ANK: I looked at our wedding pictures to
see—maybe—he looked at me that way—back
then—and no—he didn't—he looked at me
with admiration-—I didn't know there was
another way to he looked ar—how couid I
know—I didn't know his face was capable of
doing thai—the way he looked at you—in my
living room.
Pause.
ANA: I'm sorry.
I AMI: No you're not. It you were really sorry,
you wouldn't have done it.
We do as we please, and then we say we're
sorry. But we're not sorry. We're just—
uncomfortable—watching other people in
pain.
A pause.
Ana hands Lane an iced tea.
l.ANh: Thank you.
Lane drinks her iced tea.
They both look at a fish in a how!.
LANl'i What kind of tish is that?
ANA: A fighting fish.
LANK: How old is it?
ANA: Twelve.
1 ANK: That's old for a fish.
ANA: I know. I keep expecting it to die. But
it doesn't.
Lane taps on the bowl.
The fish wriggles.
ANA: How did you and Charles fall in love?
i.ANi:: He didn't tell you?
ANA: No.
LANE: Oh. Well, we were m medical school
together. We were anatomy partners. We
fell in love over a dead body.
They sit, looking at the fish.
They breathe.
Lane forgives Ana.
Lane taps on the glass bowl.
The fish wiggles around.
ANA: Want an apple?
l.ANH: Sure.
Ana gives Lane an apple.
N o V i: M n t H 2 0 0 4
CLEAN H O U S E SARAH
Lane takes a bite and stops.
I AN!.: Did Charles pick this apple?
ANA: I don't know who picked it.
Lane eats the apple.
1 ANF: It's good.
/)(the distance,
Charles ivalks across the stage in a heavy
parka. He carries a pickax.
In the living room, it is snowing.
11.Lane calls Virginia.
Lane and Virginia on the telephone.
Meanwhile Matilde moves all of
Ana's possessions from the balcony to the
living room.
I ANK: I saw Ana.
VIRtilNIA: And?
LANE: She's coming to live with me.
VIRGINIA: What?
i.ANK: She can't be alone. She's too sick. 1
invited her.
VIRGINIA: That's generous. I'm impressed.
LANK: So will you be around—during the
day—to help Matilde look after her?
VIRCIINLA: Oh. me? No. I got a job.
l.ANt: What?
V1RGINL\: I got a job.
LANE: Doing what?
viRt.iNiA: I'm a checkout girl. At the grocery
store.
LANL: You're not.
VIRGLNIA: I am. I had my first day. I liked it.
I liked using the cash register. I liked watch-
ing the vegetables go by on the conveyer
belt. Orange, red, green. My colleagues were
nice. They didn't care whether or not I went
to Bryn Mawr. They helped me if my receipts
got stuck in the machine. There was fellow
feeling amonp the workers. Solidarit)'. And
I liked it.
LANK: Wow.
VIRGINIA: So, I'm sorry. But I'll be too busy to
help you.
Pause.
LANE: Wait. You made that srory up.
VIRGINIA: Fine.
I ANK: So you'll help me.
VIRGINIA: You want my help?
LANE: Yes.
VIRGINIA: Are you sure?
LANE: Yes.
vrRGlNL\: Say, I want your help.
LANK: I want your help.
VIRGINIA: Then I'll help you.
R U H L
12. Ana and Virginia.
Then Matilde.
Then Lane.
All of Ana's possessioiu have been moved into
Lane's living room.
Ana's fish is in a bowl on the coffee table.
There are bags of apples on tbe carpet.
And two mismatched chairs.
And luggage. With clothes spilling out of
a bag.
Virginia is preparing a special tray of food for
Ana.
ANA: People talk about cancer like it's this
special thing you have a relationship with.
And it becomes blood count, biopsy, chemo-
therapy, radiation, bone marrow, blah blah
bbh blah blah blah blah. As long as I live 1
want to retain my own language.
Mientras tengo vida, qulero procurar mamener
mi proprio idioma.
No extra hospital words. I don't want a
relationship with a disease. I want to have a
relationship with death. That's important. But
to have a relationship with a disease—that's
some kind of bourgeois invention. And I
hate it.
Virginia gives Ana the tray.
ANA: Thank you.
Ana eats a bite.
VIRGINIA: Do you like it?
ANA: It's delicious. What is it?
viRCilNIA: It's a casserole. No one makes
casserole anymore. I thought it might be—
comforting.
ANA: What's in it?
\aRc;iNiA: Things you wouldn't want to know
about.
ANA: Well, it's good. Thank you for taking care
of me, Virginia.
Virginia's eyes fill with tears.
ANA: What's wrong?
viluilNlA: I'm not used to people thanking me.
Matilde enters, holding a telegram.
She hands it to Ana.
MAIILDL: There is a telegram. From Charles.
ANA: He sent a telegram}
MATILDK: Yes.
In the distance, Charles appears
wearing a heavy parka.
tiHARli^S: Dear Ana. Stop. I have cut down the
tree. Stop. Cannot get on plane with tree. Stop.
Must learn to fly plane. Stop. I love you. Stop.
Wait for me. Stop. Your beloved, Charles.
He exits.
A M V S. I f A N T H !• :\ \ K I 66
 THE CLEAN HOUSE SARAH RUHL

ANA: Sometimes ice cream in this country

is so hard.
I ANK: I got it from a special store.
They alt eat ice cream.
\NA; Can you imagine a time before ice
cream? When they couldn't keep things
frozen? There was once a ship filled with
ice—it sailed from from Europe to South
America. The ice melted by the time it got to
South America. And the captain of the ship
was bankrupt. All he had to sell when he got
there was water.
\'IRt;iNlA: A ship full ot water.
M.vni DV: A ship full of water.
Lane finishes the container of ice cream.
No one cleans up.
AMA; I'm sleepy.
viiuiiNiA: You should sleep.
: ANK: I'll get a blanket.
Lane and Virginia exit.
Matilde moves to exit.
\NA: Matilde.
Matilde stays.
\NA: My bones hurt.
\lATIl.Dt: I know they do.
\NA: Do you know what it feels like when your
hones hurt?
MAHLDK: NO.
\NA: I hope you never know.
Matilde. You once told me that your father
killed your mother with a joke.
MAlll DK: Yes.
ANA: I would like you to kill me with a joke.
MATiLOE: I don't want to kill you.
1 like you.
ANA: If you like me. help me.
\1AH1 m.: What about Charles?
Will you wait ior him?
\N*A; No.
MAHIDK: Why?
Ana (Franca M. Sarchiesi) and Charles (Tom Bloom), foreground, with Lane (Elizabeth Norment). ANA: I would lose all my bravery.
MATll-DF-; 1 understand.
VIRGINIA: W o w . Matilde and Virginia exit. ANA: So you'll do it?
ANA: 1 want him to be a nurse and he wants Ana and Lane sit on the couch. A pause.
to be an explorer. Lane taps on the fish bowl. MATll.DE: Okay.
Asi es la vida. (That's life) LAN!: He made it all right. ANA: When?
Lane enters with a broiun paper bag. ANA: He's a strong fish. MATH Dt; When you want me to.
LANK: I brought some ice cream. Matilde and Virginia come hack with spoons. ANA: You don't need time to make up a joke?
ANA; Oh, good, I love ice cream. They all eat ice cream out of the same con- MATILDK: I made it up on your balcony.
LANK: Do you like chocolate? tainer. ANA: Tomorrow, then.
ANA: Who doesn't like chocolate. Crazy ANA: Mmmm! Amazing! MATILDE: Tomorrow.
people. MATILDK: It must be what God eats when he Lane enters with a blanket.
Vllu;iM.\: ril get some spoons. is tired. She hands it to Ana.
MATILOE: I'll help yOU. VIRGINIA; So soit. LANt: I hope it's warm enough.

OQ A M D R I C A N T H E A T R F N O V E M B E R 2 0 0 4
 THE CLEAN HOUSE SARAH RUHL

ANA: Thank you. A subtitle projects: Lane nods.

(To Matiide) Good night. THE niNNiFST JOKE IN THE WORLD. Lane holds the tree against the balcony.
MATII.DK (TO Ana): Good night. Ana laughs and laughs. Charles goes to Ana.
Ana puts her head on the pillow, A7ia collapses. Charles weeps, a child.
closing her eyes. Matitde kneels heside her.
MATILDE (Whispering to Lane}: Are you Matiide wails. 14.Matiide
coming? MAiiiDh: O h h — Matiide, to the audience.
lANK: In A minute. Lane and Virginia rush in. MAI II DE: This is how I imagine my parents.
Matiide exits. Lane checks Ana's pulse. My mother is about to give birth to me.
Lane sits on the floor and watches Ami steep. The women look at one another. The hospital is too far away.
She guards her the icay a dog would guard viiiCiNiA: What do we do.^ My mother runs up a hill in December and
.1 rival dog. if her rival were sick. LANE: I don't know. says: Now!
VIRGINIA: You're the doctor! My mother is lying down under a tree.
13.Matiide tells Ana LANii: I've never seen someone die in a house My father is telling her a joke to try and keep
a joke. before. her calm.
The next day. Only in a hospital. Atm and Cfjarbs become Matilde's mother and
Lane. Virginia and Matiide are gathered Where they clean everything up. father.
around Ana. A pause. The Man whispers a joke in Portuguese to the
ANA: I want to say good-bye to everyone VIRGINIA: What do the nurses do? Woman.
before Matiide tells me a joke. MATii W: They close the eyes. MATILDE: My mother laughed. She laughed so
I ANK: Can't I give you anything for the pain? I ANEi That's right- hard that I popped out.
ANA: No. Lane closes Ana's eyes. My mother said I was the only baby who
I-ANI-: You're sure? '.: And they wash the body. laughed when 1 came into the world.
ANA: Yes. Good-bye, Lane. E: I'll wash her. She said I was laughing at my father's joke.
I ANE: Good-bye, Ana. Lajie goes to get a towel I laughed to take in the air.
They emhrace. and a bowl of water. 1 took in some air, and then I cried.
ANA: Take care of Charles. viRGiNL\: Should we say a prayer? They sang a song to make me stop crying.
LANK: You think I'll be taking care of him? MATllDE: You say a prayer, Virginia. It goes like this:
ANA: Of course. A prayer cleans the air the way water cleans The Man and Woman sing a fragfnent of a
1.ANI-.: Why? the dirt. lullaby in Portuguese to the haby.
ANA: You love him. VIRGINIA: Ana. I hope you are apple picking. MATlLDF: I think maybe heaven is a sea
Good-bye Virginia. Lane washes Ana. of untranslatable jokes. Only everyone is
Virginia iveeps. A knock at the door. laughing.
ANA: Don't cry. CHARIES (From offstage): Ana!
Thank you for taking care of me, Virginia. Charles pounds on the door. The End
Virginia iveeps. aiARUii: Ana! Ana!
ANA: See this? I can't tiike it. Matiide. Let's have The women look at one another.
the joke. Matiide ansifers the door.
MATILDH: Are you ready? Charles walks into the hall carrying an enor-
ANA: Yes. mous tree.
Everyone's always dying lying down. The tree reaches all the way up to the balcony.
I want to die standing up. Charles is sweating and breathi?ig.
Ana stands. He has carried his tree great distances.
ANA: The two of you had better leave the room. Lane goes to Charles.
I don't want you dying before your time. i.H.\|{| ES: I brought back this tree.
They nod. A pause.
They leave. CHARLES: It won't help?
ANA: Matiide. LANE; No.
Deseo el chiste ahora. (I want the joke now.) CHARLES: Can I see her?
The lights change. LANK: She's in there.
Music. (Pause)
Matiide tells a joke. Charles?
We don't hear it. Lane kisses Charles on the forehead.
We hear sublime music instead. ciiARiis: Thank you. Will you ht)ld my tree?

N o V i M li i; It 2 (I U 4 A M 1^ K 1 ( A T II 67