Chicken Bones for the Teenage Soup (1st ed. - 07.30.

04) - chickenbones5j
Copyright © 2004 Alan Haehnel

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Cast of Characters
BOBBI MARK
BUD MARLENE
CAITLIN MARSHA
CAL MARTHA
CARLY MAX
CELIA MEG
CHRIS MEGAN
COLLEEN MELISSA
DALE MINDY
DEB MORT
DEREK MORTON
ERIC MOTHER
GENE NATHAN
GRANDMOTHER NICK
JAKE NICOLE
JARED NORM
JILL NORBERT
JIM PATIENT 1
JOHN PATIENT 2
KELLY PAUL
KEVIN SAM
KIMMY SANDY
LEADER TIA
LISA VOICE OF GOD
MAISY ZACH
MARGE

Doubling, tripling and gender changes possible. Though the play

calls for 60 different characters, it could be performed with as few
as 10 actors.

4
 CHICKEN BONES FOR THE
TEENAGE SOUP
by Alan Haehnel

Scene 1
(Open stage. Shifting pools of light indicate scene changes. Senti-
mental piano and violin music plays under the scenes. Stylistic note:
In order for this parody of the ridiculously popular Chicken Soup se-
ries to work, the deliveries must be as saccharin as possible. The hu-
mor derives from the tension between the sentimental set-ups and the
sardonic twists. Imagine picking up a Hallmark card with doves and
flowers and the words “Thinking of You” printed on the front.
Imagine opening that card and reading the words “You Suck!”
scrawled inside. This is the effect these scenes should have.)
NARRATOR. On Helpfulness.
MARGE. (As if speaking to a young audience:) Children, I’m going to
tell you a story about a little chick and a fox. One day, a little chick
wandered from its mother and came upon a fox with its leg in a
trap. The chick said to the fox, “I can help you, Mr. Fox.” And the
fox replied, “What can you, a tiny chick, do for me?” The chick re-
plied, “I, like the famous mouse who helped the lion, will help you.
Someday, you will repay me in kind.” So the fox said, “Go ahead
and try, then.” No sooner had the chick begun to peck at the metal
trap when the fox leaned over and ate him up with two quick bites.
Later, the trapper came and killed the fox with a club to the head.
He skinned the fox and sold the pelt for fifteen dollars.
The moral of the story, boys and girls: If you’re going to die any-
way, it’s best to grab a quick snack when you can.

5
6 Alan Haehnel

Scene 2
NARRATOR. On Attachment.
NICK. Marsha, can I talk to you a minute?
MARSHA. Sure, Squirt. What’s the trouble? You can always come
to your big sister, you know that. Sit down.
NICK. Well, remember last week when Nemo died?
MARSHA. Yeah, I sure do. You loved that little fish, didn’t you?
NICK. I did, Marsha.
MARSHA. So did I, Squirt. You gave him a nice funeral in the
backyard. You dug him a good hole.
NICK. Yeah. But I didn’t like how I felt when I was crying. It kind
of hurt and snot ran out of my nose and my face felt like a hot dish
rag. I didn’t like that.
MARSHA. Nobody likes that feeling, Squirty. But it’s part of life.
NICK. Well, yesterday, you know, Dad brought home a new fish.
MARSHA. I saw him. A beauty. I like the stripes. What did you
name him?
NICK. I didn’t. That’s what I came to ask you about.
MARSHA. Go on.
NICK. Well, when I first saw the fish I remembered Nemo. I re-
membered when I first got him I thought he was cool and all that
but I didn’t love him. If he, like, died that first day I saw him, I
would’ve been a little pissed…
MARSHA. Uh-uh. Angry.
NICK. Yeah, angry. But I wouldn’t have cried like I did after I had
him for five months and two weeks and half a day.
MARSHA. No, it wouldn’t have hurt like that.
NICK. That’s what I figured. All fish die, don’t they, Marsha?
MARSHA. I’m afraid so.
 Chicken Bones for the Teenage Soup 7

NICK. Yeah. So because I didn’t want to get that dishraggy feeling

again with this new fish I didn’t name him and I thought about it all
night and this morning I got up early and I took him out of the tank
and I cut off his head with my jackknife and flushed him down the
toilet.
MARSHA. Uh-huh.
NICK. Did I do the right thing, Marsha?
MARSHA. You know what?
NICK. What?
MARSHA. I think little Nemo’s spirit is swimming around in the
ocean in heaven, and he’s happy now. Know why?
NICK. Why?
MARSHA. Because you learned an important lesson from him.
NICK. Thanks, Marsha.
MARSHA. Any time, Squirt. Any time.

Scene 3
NARRATOR. On Friendship.
KIMMY. Kelly, you are my very best friend. You are amazing.
KELLY. Kimmy, you know I feel the same way about you.
KIMMY. I will always love you. I mean it. You know, Bridget gave
me one of her school pictures yesterday, one of the little wallet-
sized ones, and she wrote on the back of it “best friends forever.”
But she doesn’t really mean it. She was just writing that.
KELLY. She wrote that on mine, too.
KIMMY. No way.
KELLY. Yes way.
KIMMY. See, that’s what I mean. Some friends go around writing
that stuff and saying that stuff to everybody, but they don’t mean it.
8 Alan Haehnel

But when I say it to you, and when I write it on the back of the 8x10
school photo I give you, you know I really mean it. “Kimmy and
Kelly, best friends always.”
KELLY. Forever.
KIMMY. And ever.
KELLY / KIMMY. Amen.
KIMMY. See? That shows what amazing friends we are, when we
finish…
KELLY. Each other’s sentences?
KIMMY. Yes! We’re like one person…
KELLY. Inside two bodies?
KIMMY. Yes! I mean, sometimes when I’m talking to you I just feel
as if I’m talking to myself.
KELLY. I know what you mean. And how many times have we
worn practically exactly the same thing to school and we didn’t
even call each other?
KIMMY. I know it! We have the same tastes in foods, the same
tastes in music…
KELLY. The same tastes in fashion, the same tastes in guys.
KIMMY. Yeah, we do, don’t we?
KELLY. We’re the luckiest two people on earth, to have each other
as friends. That first day in kindergarten, the first day I met you, it
was like a cloud just opened up and the sun came shining through
and I knew we were going to be like twins.
KIMMY. Yeah. I remember that. We both had Powerpuff Girl col-
oring books. And what color was it that we both had missing from
our crayon sets?
KELLY. Yellow.
KIMMY. Yellow. That was amazing. We both came in with exactly
the same crayon missing.
 Chicken Bones for the Teenage Soup 9

KELLY. Fate.
KIMMY. Destiny.
KELLY. True, true friendship. We’re going to the same college,
aren’t we?
KIMMY. You better believe it! We’ll both major in psychology…
KELLY. And we’ll graduate together and become famous psy-
chologists…
KIMMY. And we’ll have offices next door to each other! We’ll call
ourselves Kimmy and Kelly, Best Friends Psychology.
KELLY. I like that. That’s perfect.
KIMMY. You’re perfect, Kelly.
KELLY. So are you, Kimmy.
KIMMY. But you know what, Kelly?
KELLY. What, Kimmy?
KIMMY. If I ever catch you flirting with Marco again, all of that
won’t mean crap.
KELLY. What?
KIMMY. You know what I’m talking about!
KELLY. Hey, if anybody was flirting with anybody, he was flirting
with me. Can I help it if he just happens to find me attractive?
KIMMY. Why he would find a fat cow attractive, I have no idea!
KELLY. Maybe it’s because he’s stuck with a bloated, self-centered
witch!
KIMMY. Me, self-centered? Look who’s talking, Miss Drama
Queen!
KELLY. Oh, look in the mirror, why don’t you? You make me sick!
KIMMY. Stay away from Marco!
KELLY. Make me!
10 Alan Haehnel

KIMMY. I hate you!

KELLY. Not as much as I hate you!
(They grab one another by the hair.)

Scene 4
NARRATOR. On Understanding.
DALE. (About to get punched by ZACH:) Hey, hey, wait!
ZACH. Why should I?
DALE. I just want you to know I understand why you’re doing this.
ZACH. Yeah, because I don’t like your face.
DALE. No, no, it’s deeper than that. I understand that you feel ter-
rible about yourself, and you’re only doing this in a vain attempt to
feel better.
ZACH. No. I feel great about myself. I’m proud of my accomplish-
ment and of who I am. And I’m going to pound you into a lump of
oatmeal.
DALE. Wait! Wait! Okay, then, you feel powerless. I understand. At
home, at school, you have no power, no control, so you’re exerting
control over me simply because you can. I understand!
ZACH. I have plenty of power. At home, at school, in my relation-
ships, I call the shots. And now I’m going to mash you into the
ground.
DALE. Okay, okay, I get it! You’re doing this because you lack
boundaries. Nobody gives you limits and guidelines.
ZACH. Wrong again. Get ready for pain!
DALE. You’re an abuse victim!
ZACH. Nope.
DALE. Lonely?
ZACH. Sorry.
 Chicken Bones for the Teenage Soup 11

(ZACH pounds on DALE, leaving him groaning on the ground.)

You really want to know why I did that?
DALE. I would like to understand, yes.
ZACH. Because it was a lot of fun. Have a nice day, Punk.
(ZACH exits. DALE blinks a few times. He sees JARED walking
by.)
DALE. Hey! Hey, kid. Come here.
JARED. (Wary:) Yeah?
DALE. (Grabbing JARED:) I’m gonna pound you.

Scene 5
NARRATOR. On Perseverance.
(Lights up on a coach in front of his team.)
COACH. All right, boys, we’re down 2–1 after the first half. Let me
tell you what I’ve been seeing from you out there. I’ve been seeing a
team of players who know the game and know it well. You’re
playing as cleanly as I’ve ever seen you play. I’ve been seeing a
bunch of players who want this win more than they’ve ever wanted
a win this season or any other season. Boys, you’re playing with in-
credible heart. I’ve been seeing players who want to work together,
who care about the game and about the team more than they care
about individual egos. All in all, I’ve been watching the best first
half I have ever seen in all of my twenty years of coaching!
(The team cheers.)
Congratulations, boys. I’m proud of you. Let’s go home.
TEAM MEMBER. What?
COACH. Boys, you’re like sons to me, so I want to pass on a life
lesson. Listen closely: A dream of what could have been is far better
than a nightmare of what was. You get me? I can see by your blank
stares that you don’t. Let me spell it out: You just played the best
first half of your lives, but you’re still losing by a point. We’ve given
12 Alan Haehnel

it all we’ve got. We could count on a miracle, but that would be

pretty dumb. If we go out there for the second half, we’re going to
get creamed. Now, there’s a very slight chance that I’m wrong, but
why risk it? Boys, it’s time to go home. Let’s hold our heads high.
Let’s walk to that bus. Let’s forfeit this game, and let’s do it with
pride!
(The team cheers as they exit. The coach watches them go.)
I love these guys.

Scene 6
NARRATOR. On Saying Good-bye.
(Lights up on hospital room, sound of a heart monitor. GRAND-
MOTHER in the bed, surrounded by five family members.)
MORT. Mother, I don’t know if you can hear me or not, but I want
you to know we’re all here. The whole family.
SANDY. Ma, it’s Sandy.
MELISSA. I’m here, Grammy.
NORBERT. We love you, Mom.
CELIA. That’s right. We’ve all come to be with you.
MORT. What a caring woman she has been.
SANDY. I wonder if she knows we’re here.
NORBERT. I’m sure she does.
CELIA. What did the doctor say?
MORT. It could be an hour, it could be a minute. But soon.
MELISSA. I’m going to miss her so much.
SANDY. Oh, Honey, we all are. We all are!
(GRANDMOTHER starts to make sounds, as if to speak.)
MORT. Mother?
 Chicken Bones for the Teenage Soup 13

NORBERT. Ma, what is it?

CELIA. I think she wants to tell us something.
MELISSA. We’re here, Grandma. We’re listening!
SANDY. Sh. She’s trying.
GRANDMOTHER. (Weakly:) I…I…
MORT. It’s okay, Mom. Take your time.
GRANDMOTHER. I…just wanted you to know that…I think…
SANDY. Yes, Mom?
GRANDMOTHER. (With sudden clarity and volume:) I think that
you’re all a bunch of vultures, and I never liked any of you!
(The monitor goes to a single long tone as GRANDMOTHER closes
her eyes with a smile on her face. The lights go to black.)

Scene 7
NARRATOR. On Reaching Out.
(Lights up on MEGAN, sitting dejectedly. CARLY enters.)
CARLY. Hey, you’re new here, aren’t you?
MEGAN. Yeah.
CARLY. I know how that feels. I was new last year. Where are you
from?
MEGAN. Michigan.
CARLY. I came from New Hampshire, at least the last time. My
family moves around a lot.
MEGAN. Mine, too.
CARLY. It’s hard to get settled anywhere.
MEGAN. Yeah.
CARLY. It’s hard to break in to any groups.
14 Alan Haehnel

MEGAN. Everybody’s pretty well set with who they know.

CARLY. That’s for sure. Listen, how about if I show you around,
kind of get you familiar with the school?
MEGAN. That would be cool.
CARLY. Okay. I’ll meet you in the entryway at noon.
MEGAN. Sure. Thanks.
CARLY. Oh, listen, I have to tell you one thing.
MEGAN. What’s that?
CARLY. I’ve been here a year now. I know the place pretty well.
But I don’t feel any better than when I first arrived. All my friends
are superficial, and I feel like I’m pretty much alone in the universe.
I just wanted to warn you so you didn’t get any false expectations.
It’s horrible now and it will stay horrible.
MEGAN. All right. Thanks.
CARLY. One more thing. When I’m done showing you around,
once you’re familiar with how this place runs, I’ll most likely never
talk to you again.
MEGAN. Fair enough.
CARLY. It’s how I was treated. I just wanted to pass it on.
MEGAN. Gotcha.
CARLY. All right. See you at noon.
MEGAN. I’ll be there.

Scene 8
NARRATOR. On Loyalty.
(Lights up on PAUL and DEREK, two soldiers. They come sprint-
ing from the side of the stage.)
DEREK. Go, go, go!
(PAUL falls suddenly.)
 Chicken Bones for the Teenage Soup 15

PAUL. Aaah! I’m hit!

DEREK. Come on, man; we’re almost there!
PAUL. I can’t! I’m hit! In the leg! I can’t make it!
DEREK. You have to! They’re coming! Come on, Paul! You can do
it!
PAUL. No, man. You have to go on without me! You have to leave
me here to die! Don’t try to carry me! Don’t do any of that hero
stuff, man! You have to…
DEREK. All right, all right, I get your point. See ya!
(DEREK runs off.)
PAUL. Hey, uh…I was just being polite! Can you give me a hand
here? Anybody? (After a pause:) Nuts.

Scene 9
NARRATOR. On Mercy.
(Lights up to ERIC and TIA.)
TIA. Wow, that is an amazing scar you have on your hand.
ERIC. Yeah. Actually, there’s an amazing story that goes with it,
too.
TIA. Tell me.
ERIC. Well, when I was a kid, about eight years old, I used to live
near a river. One spring, just after the snow melted, the river was
really swollen and it was just rushing past. I don’t know how, ex-
actly, but I fell in. The water was freezing! Only seconds after fal-
ling in, the water paralyzed me from the cold.
TIA. But you survived. How?
ERIC. Well, my arm caught on the jagged edge of an old, rusty car
that someone had abandoned in the river. As you an see, it was
practically cut off.
TIA. How horrible!
16 Alan Haehnel

ERIC. Yeah. But the amazing thing is that I still would have died if
this woman hadn’t seen me and jumped in the river to help. She left
her family of twelve kids on the shore and came to rescue me. She
almost died in the attempt. She only had one leg herself.
TIA. Incredible! Did you know her?
ERIC. No. She was a stranger. You know the best part?
TIA. What?
ERIC. When the woman got me to shore, she put a tourniquet on
my arm to stop the bleeding, after she had stripped herself and her
children naked to get me warm.
TIA. Yes?
ERIC. Well, the tourniquet was left on for so long that it caused
nerve damage in this pinky finger. To this day, it’s still numb. So we
sued the woman for $100,000. It paid for my new car plus a swim-
ming pool and we invested what was left in the stock market. Made
a killing.
TIA. What a wonderful story. Can I touch your pinky?
ERIC. Sure.
TIA. Do you feel that?
ERIC. Not a thing.

Scene 10
NARRATOR. On Learning.
MAX / MARLENE. (In unison, smiling broadly:) Everything we ever
needed to know we learned in 7th grade.
MAX. Putting others down is a great way to feel better about your-
self.
MARLENE. As long as you don’t get caught, cheating works great.
MAX. The most important skill to learn is how to work the system.
MARLENE. The best friends are the ones with the best stuff.
 Chicken Bones for the Teenage Soup 17

MAX. Hard work is for suckers.

MARLENE. If you’re not popular, you’re nothing.
MAX. In order to earn privileges in life, you have to learn to kiss
up.
MARLENE. Losing stinks.
MAX. People who are different make great targets.
MARLENE. Life is like when the piñata breaks: You gotta kick,
claw, bite and grab all you can as fast as you can.

Scene 11
NARRATOR. On Charity.
(Light comes up on NATHAN, in ragged clothes, sitting against a
wall with a cup in front of him. CAITLIN walks by him. He looks
up. She looks at him briefly, then turns away. She walks a few steps,
then turns to look back at NATHAN. She considers for a moment,
then begins to walk away again. CELIA comes from the other direc-
tion. NATHAN raises his cup toward her, shaking the change inside
it. CELIA pauses, takes some change from her purse, puts it in
NATHAN’s cup, then walks on. CAITLIN observes all of this. She
stands considering again, then slowly begins to walk back toward
NATHAN. NATHAN raises his cup expectantly. Suddenly,
CAITLIN grabs NATHAN’s cup and runs away.)
NATHAN. Hey!

Scene 12
NARRATOR. On Gratitude.
(Lights up on NICOLE and her MOTHER.)
NICOLE. Ma, I know I haven’t always been the easiest person to
get along with.
MOTHER. You can say that again.
NICOLE. But yesterday I was over at Pam’s house…
18 Alan Haehnel

MOTHER. Which Pam?

NICOLE. Pam Goodson. Anyway, she’s going through some real
tough stuff right now.
MOTHER. What kind of stuff? Did she get you into trouble?
NICOLE. No, no. She’s…well, anyway, it doesn’t matter what kind
of trouble. That’s not my point. My point is, I just wanted to
say…thanks.
MOTHER. What?
NICOLE. I’ve realized that you do an awful lot for me, and not
everyone has it as good as I do, so thanks.
MOTHER. What are you after?
NICOLE. Nothing! I’m just trying to tell you that I appreciate…
MOTHER. I’m calling this Pam character. What’s her number?
You’re in some kind of trouble.
NICOLE. I’m not, Ma! I’m trying to tell you thank-you! That’s all.
MOTHER. Right. I wasn’t born yesterday. You’re buttering me up.
Give me the whole story. Come on, out with it.
NICOLE. Ma, can’t I say thank-you without being after something?
MOTHER. In my history of knowing and raising you: no, you can’t.
NICOLE. Well, I’ve changed.
MOTHER. A sudden change like this usually means you’ve been
experimenting with drugs.
NICOLE. Ma, stop being so suspicious!
MOTHER. Stop doing things to make me so suspicious!
NICOLE. I’m not…oh, forget it. Forget it. Ma, you know what? You
never do anything for me. You are completely unfair and everyone
I know has it tons better than I do. I’m going out. Give me five
bucks, will you?
MOTHER. Here. Take it! Take my life’s blood, why don’t you!
 Chicken Bones for the Teenage Soup 19

(NICOLE begins to exit.)

Hey.
NICOLE. What?
MOTHER. I love you, you ingrate. Be good.
NICOLE. Whatever.
(NICOLE exits. MOTHER looks after her, shaking her head as the
lights fade to end the scene.)

Scene 13
NARRATOR. On Optimism.
(Light comes up on MOTHER trying to give medicine to her son,
JOHN.)
MOTHER. Come on, Johny, just drink the medicine. You’ve al-
ready had three gulps!
JOHN. No! No! It’s yucky! I don’t wanna drink it! I don’t wanna!
MOTHER. Look, the glass is half empty already.
MINDY. (Entering:) Hey, don’t think that way. The glass is half full!
MOTHER. Mindy, you’re not helping the situation. John needs to
take his medicine.
MINDY. But Mother, pessimism never made things go better.
Johny, always remember—the glass if half full!
JOHN. Waaa!
MOTHER. Mindy, get out of here this instant!
MINDY. But…?
MOTHER. Now! And you’re grounded for a week!
(The lights cross-fade from this scene COLLEEN, crying. MINDY
enters.)
MINDY. Hey, Colleen, what’s the matter?
20 Alan Haehnel

COLLEEN. Oh, it’s just terrible. It’s terrible!

MINDY. Hey, things are never as bad as they seem. Tell me.
COLLEEN. We just found out that my grandfather only has three
months to live!
MINDY. Oh, hey, that’s okay.
COLLEEN. What do you mean it’s okay? It’s my grandfather! He’s
dying.
MINDY. Well, is your grandmother in good health?
COLLEEN. Yeah, I guess so.
MINDY. There you go! One out of two isn’t bad, is it?
COLLEEN. What are you talking about?
MINDY. And how about your grandparents on the other side of the
family? Are they doing okay?
COLLEEN. My grandfather is going go to die soon. Aren’t you lis-
tening?
MINDY. Sure I am, but I’m just saying maybe you should count
your blessings. If your other grandparents are healthy, then you’re
looking at three out of four. Hey, 75 percent is definitely a passing
grade!
COLLEEN. You are sick! (Pushing MINDY away:) Get away from
me!
(The lights cross-fade from this scene to two tired, dejected football
players sitting on a bench.)
JAKE. I can’t believe it, man.
NORM. We were so close. So close!
JAKE. I had that ball in my hands.
NORM. And then it popped out of yours and it went right to mine.
I had it! I had it right there!
JAKE. Oh, I can’t believe it! We would have won the championship
if we had caught that pass! Aagh!
 Chicken Bones for the Teenage Soup 21

MINDY. (Entering:) Hey, guys, what’s the matter?

NORM. We lost.
JAKE. The championship.
NORM. I almost caught the winning pass…
JAKE. I was backing him up. I should have had it.
MINDY. Well, look, neither one of you got hurt. That’s something,
anyway.
NORM. I would have rather broken my neck than dropped that
pass.
JAKE. Same here.
MINDY. Hey, there will be other games!
NORM. We’re both Seniors. That was the championship.
MINDY. Oh. Well, hey, after all, it’s just a game, when you come
right down to it. A silly little piece of leather full of air and every-
body trying to get it past one side of the field or the other. I mean, is
that really anything to get upset about? What could be more child-
ish, if you really think about it?
(JAKE and NORM have both gotten up and are walking toward
Mindy in a threatening fashion.)
Right, guys? Guys? Hey, now, come on.
(They begin to run after her. She shouts as she exits.)
I was just trying to be positive!
(The lights cross-fade to BOBBI ripping paper angrily and scattering
it on the stage. After a couple of moments, MINDY comes in, looking
disheveled and a bit bruised. She breathes heavily, trying to recover
from her latest encounter.)
MINDY. (To BOBBI:) What’s your problem?
BOBBI. Oh, all of those stupid, stupid college people! What do they
want? I’ll never get in! Never! How many tests do I have to take?
How many hours of volunteer work do I have to put in? I’m so
frustrated.
22 Alan Haehnel

MINDY. Well, life sucks, okay? I’ve had it with trying to look on
the bright side. I’ve been grounded, I’ve been shoved, I’ve been at-
tacked by football players, all because I was trying to be a stupid,
frigging optimist. Well, no more! You didn’t get accepted to college,
right?
BOBBI. Yeah. Not to any of them!
MINDY. You want to know why?
BOBBI. Why?
MINDY. Because life is unfair and everybody is a jerk and no one
cares about anyone else and nothing ever goes right and life is just a
big pile of poop! It makes you want to scream. (Screaming:) Aaaah!
BOBBI. (Joining in:) I agree! Aaaah!
(After a long scream, they both stop. BOBBI looks over at MINDY,
MINDY at BOBBI.)
BOBBI. Thanks. I feel a lot better.
(BOBBI hugs MINDY, then walks away. MINDY stares straight
ahead for a long moment, baffled.)
MINDY. I don’t get it.
 Chicken Bones for the Teenage Soup 23

Scene 14
NARRATOR. On Humor.
(Lights up on MARK and JIM.)
MARK. Hey, this ought to brighten your day. I hear the funniest
story this morning. Are you ready for this? Okay, so this guy—and
this actually happened, too—this guy’s car breaks down, right? So,
there he is, stranded on the side of the road. I mean, he’s got his
family with him, right? Three kids and the wife, and they’re trying
to catch a plane, so they’re desperate to get to the airport. So any-
way, a bunch of cars speed by, and finally this tiny little Volks-
wagen Bug stops. As it turns out, the driver is a traveling circus per-
former, and he’s got the car so packed with his juggling clubs and
unicycles and stuff that he’s only got room for the husband and no
one else, right? But, the circus dude is going to the airport, so the
guy figures he’ll take the ride, get to the airport as quick as he can,
and hope he can delay the flight or make other arrangements. He
figures the family will catch up with him. You following this?
Anyway, so the guy gets in the Volkswagen and then, wouldn’t you
know it, it breaks down, too! So he and the circus guy are trying to
hitch a ride now and who should stop but the rest of the family—in
a hearse! Yeah, this funeral director picked them up, then picks up
the husband and the circus guy. So, they all head down the road
when…you guessed it! Flat tire! Yeah! Talk about rotten luck, right?
By the time they finally get to the airport, I kid you not, this guy
and his family have been in a total of six different vehicles includ-
ing a semi, a Rolls Royce, and a tour bus for a rock band, and every
one of them has broken down. Do you know what they’re traveling
in when they finally get to the airport? Huh? A tow truck!
And now, get this—you’d figure the airplane would be long gone
by then, right? Wrong. They haven’t missed the flight. You want to
know why? Because the plane broke down on the runway! Can you
believe that? Funny, huh? Man, I laughed when I heard that one.
Can you believe it?
JIM. Actually, I can believe it. The man in the car was my uncle; he
was traveling with my aunt and cousins. They were coming to our
house for a family reunion. My uncle was so stressed out by the trip
24 Alan Haehnel

that he went right to bed when he arrived. He never woke up. He

died of a massive heart attack in his sleep.
MARK. Oh. (Long pause.) Bummer.

Scene 15
NARRATOR. On Acceptance.
KEVIN. (In cap and gown, as if delivering a graduation speech:) Mem-
bers of the school board, Principal Clark, Superintendent Morrison,
parents and relatives, and, of course, members of the class of 2004:
As your class president for the past four years, I have had the
privilege of leading and advising you on many occasions. I am
grateful for this last opportunity before we depart to pursue our
separate paths. And on this day of commencement, I would like
you all to ponder one crucial word: Acceptance.
Who knows how many times and in how many places across this
nation of ours this famous cliché will be spoken: Today is the first
day of the rest of your life. I don’t disagree with this quote at all.
Obviously, it is true. However, I need you to understand the dan-
gerous assumption hiding beneath this statement. The assumption
is that, if today is the first day of the rest of your life, then the days
that are to come hold the promise of something better than we have
experienced so far. This, however, is not true. And that brings me
back to the concept of acceptance.
My fellow graduates, I urge you to accept the fact that most of the
goals you have for your life will not be met. Some of you are
dreaming of becoming movie stars, professional athletes, great
writers, wealthy lawyers, or high-ranking public officials. Given the
social climate and families from which you come, though, these
goals are completely unrealistic. Give it up.
Some will tell you that the key to success lies in fostering strong re-
lationships with others. But you, my classmates, should accept the
fact that your particular circle of friends and relations will do
nothing to help you reach success. Holding on to these relationships
will simply help you perpetuate your present, pitiful situation. But
that is all right. You are who you are and, since birds of a feather
 Chicken Bones for the Teenage Soup 25

flock together, you are not going to change anything substantially

in terms of your relationships. In short, hold on to the friends you
have because even lousy, inconsequential friends are better than no
friends at all.
Finally, graduates, accept the fact that the habits you have now are
the habits you will continue to have for the rest of your life. They,
along with heredity and social conditioning, pretty much entirely
control you. Accept the fact that your attempts to better yourself
will be met with so much resistance, both internally and externally,
that the effort is essentially wasted. Accept the fact that you are a
slob and you are destined to become exactly like the slobs who
raised you.
The sooner you can learn to accept these truths, my fellow gradu-
ates, the sooner you will be able to settle in to an unchallenging but
not-too-bad life full of adequate food, bad television, and one or
two major addictions. In conclusion, let me end with another
amended cliché: Be all you can be. Just accept that all you can be
just ain’t all that much.
Thank-you.

Scene 16
NARRATOR. On Giving Back.
JILL. Man, I’ve felt like such a slug lately, you know?
MARTHA. I know what you mean.
DEB. I’m with you.
JILL. No energy. No motivation.
DEB. Nada.
MARTHA. Zippo.
JILL. You know what I think the trouble is? It just occurred to me.
MARTHA. What’s that?
26 Alan Haehnel

JILL. I need an idea. Something new. Something that’ll get me fired

up.
DEB. An idea about what?
JILL. Well, I need to think of something, a way that I can stop being
just a taker.
MARTHA. What are you talking about?
JILL. I’m a taker. We all are. We take from our parents, from our
school.
DEB. Hey, I’ve been doing my homework lately. At least, I did last
night.
JILL. Yeah, yeah, but that’s not giving anything. I need an idea for
how I could really make a difference in this world, how I can be a
force for positive change.
MARTHA. You know, that sounds pretty good, now that you
mention it.
JILL. Doesn’t it? What do you say, Deb—how does it sound to you?
DEB. Okay, I guess.
JILL. So help me brainstorm. Let’s find an idea. How could we be
givers and not just takers?
MARTHA. Well, there’s the Salvation Army. We could give some
old clothes.
DEB. Yeah. My closet’s getting stuffed.
JILL. Not active enough. I need something that takes commitment
and sacrifice—maybe something on-going.
DEB. We could volunteer as cheer leaders for the lacrosse team.
They don’t have any.
MARTHA. You just want to get close to Jack Knapp.
DEB. Oh, does he play? I didn’t realize that.
MARTHA. Right.
 Chicken Bones for the Teenage Soup 27

JILL. How about this? You know that big cement retaining wall
near the elementary school?
DEB. Yeah.
JILL. I don’t know how many times I’ve gone by that and thought,
“What a great place for a bright, cheerful painting that would be!”
MARTHA. Hey, that’s a cool idea.
DEB. That would be nice.
JILL. Wouldn’t it? We could paint a huge mural on it, like, high-
lighting the best things about our community.
MARTHA. I bet my dad would donate the paint and brushes.
DEB. We could even get some of the younger kids to help.
JILL. Now you’re cooking. That’s it! Oh, I feel so much better.
MARTHA. That’s great. I’ll ask my dad tonight.
DEB. I could call the school. The principal is practically a buddy of
mine.
JILL. What are you guys talking about?
DEB. What?
MARTHA. The mural. Your idea.
JILL. Yeah, it’s an idea. I said I needed an idea to feel better. What
are you guys doing?
MARTHA. Well, aren’t we going to follow through?
DEB. Aren’t we going to do it?
JILL. Hell, no. Are you nuts? That’s way too much work. The idea is
plenty for me.
MARTHA. Oh. Okay.
DEB. Maybe we could sell the concept to somebody.
JILL. Hey, now there’s an idea!
28 Alan Haehnel

Scene 17
NARRATOR. On Support.
(Group support session.)
LEADER. We have a new member of our group today. We’d like to
focus on her, see if we can be of support to her with her particular
problem. Nancy?
NANCY. (Standing:) Hello, everyone. My name is Nancy.
ALL. Hi, Nancy.
NANCY. And I must admit that I am addicted to…support groups.
I’m so ashamed. I just can’t stop going to these meetings. I even
pick up addictions just so I can feel justified in attending. I get
drunk so I can go to AA. I binge so I can go to OA. I just can’t seem
to go a day without finding some program to attend.
(Silence for a moment, then CAL speaks.)
CAL. That’s sickening. What is your problem? Get out of here!
MAISY. Nancy, I have to agree with Cal. You are pitiful.
CHRIS. I have a suggestion for you, Nancy.
NANCY. Yes?
CHRIS. Grow yourself a backbone, for crying out loud!
GENE. Addicted to support groups? Not only is that incredibly
stupid, it’s downright un-American! This is the land of independ-
ence, individuality, self-sufficiency. What are you, some kind of so-
cialist?
NANCY. No! No, I just…
BUD. Why don’t you make room for people with real problems,
huh?
(The group members start shouting at NANCY, putting her down
in various ways.)
NANCY. Stop it! That’s enough! I can’t take it! You are the most
cruel, insulting, completely unsupportive group of people I have
ever met! I’m leaving!
 Chicken Bones for the Teenage Soup 29

(NANCY storms out. The LEADER looks around at the group

members for a long moment, then smiles.)
LEADER. People, I think we did some good this evening.

Scene 18
NARRATOR. On Inspiration.
SARAH. (Reciting her poem:)
I went to my mother and asked her if she
Could give me ideas on what I could be.
She put down her drink and her cigarette
And said, “Will you move! I can’t see the set!”
I called up my dad and asked him the same.
I said, “It’s your daughter.” He said, “What’s your name?”
We figured that out and then he said, “Honey,
For an answer like that, I need some money.”
I had no cash, so I got off the phone.
I walked to the woods, to just be alone.
I shouted my question out to the sky.
A bird dropped its answer right in my eye.
I wiped that away and turned with a start;
The thing that I saw almost stopped my heart.
A big hungry grizzly was licking its lips
And looking with lust at my tummy and hips.
I said, “Brother Bear, I have quite a hunch
That all of my body parts soon will be lunch.”
He growled and he lunged and he tore off my head.
And so that was that. I was, and am, dead.
So all of you living who still wish to know
What you will be and where you will go—
The ultimate answer I have for you guys:
By old age or grizzly, everyone dies.
30 Alan Haehnel

Scene 19
NARRATOR. On Patience.
(SAM huddles in a corner. CHRIS kneels near him, his hand on his
shoulder. During the scene, several “patients” shuffle by, looking at
CHRIS suspiciously. After a moment, SAM shrugs his shoulder, ob-
viously not wanting CHRIS’s attention. CHRIS sighs, stands and
walks to MEG, who has been observing the interaction.)
CHRIS. Boy, he’s tough. Some days I feel like I’m making headway.
MEG. Really?
CHRIS. Yes. A couple of days ago he slapped my hand away. That
may not sound like much, but at least it’s a reaction. Not like today.
MEG. You don’t give up, do you?
CHRIS. I can’t. There’s something about Sam I find compelling. I
really want to understand why he’s so shy. Of all the patients here,
he’s the only one I haven’t been able to reach at all.
MEG. Is that so?
CHRIS. Yes. All of the others will at least make eye contact occa-
sionally or take a swing at me. But not Sam. I’ve made it my goal to
get through to him.
MEG. Is that why you come so often?
CHRIS. It is. I know, if I’m just patient long enough, I’ll see a
breakthrough. I really feel this is my life’s calling, to work with
people like Sam.
MEG. I see.
CHRIS. Is there something wrong?
MEG. Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but…
CHRIS. What? Tell me anything. I want to help!
MEG. The truth is, Sam is usually very communicative and out-
going.
CHRIS. What? You’re kidding. I have never seen that side of him.
 Chicken Bones for the Teenage Soup 31

MEG. Yes, well, that’s because…he seems to have a deeply adverse

reaction to…
CHRIS. To what? Particular weather? Certain chemicals? The time
of day?
MEG. To you.
CHRIS. Me?
MEG. I’m afraid so. He is open and friendly with everyone else but
you.
CHRIS. Oh. So the best thing I could do for Sam is…
MEG. Yeah. To stay away from him.
CHRIS. Well. I…guess I’ll just be going.
MEG. That would be best. Good-bye.
CHRIS. (Exiting:) Good-bye.
(As soon as CHRIS leaves, SAM and the other patients become ani-
mated, gathering cheerily around MEG.)
SAM. I thought he would never leave.
PATIENT 1. Did you tell him we all can’t stand him?
PATIENT 2. How did you get rid of him?
MEG. Never mind the specifics, guys. I don’t think he’ll be back.
(All cheer and give one another high-fives.)
All right, who’s up for some volleyball?
(All cheer as they exit.)

Scene 20
NARRATOR. On Changes.
LISA. You wanted to see me, Principal Morton?
MORTON. I did. Come in, Lisa. Have a seat.
LISA. Thank-you.
32 Alan Haehnel

MORTON. Lisa, something has happened to you this year. We’ve

all noticed a change.
LISA. Well…yes, sir.
MORTON. Tell me about it.
LISA. Well, I guess it’s no secret that I wasn’t much of a student last
year as a freshman. In fact, most of my life was pretty messed up
back then.
MORTON. Go on.
LISA. I was, you know, fighting with my parents. I didn’t have any
motivation. I really wasn’t interested in much of anything.
MORTON. Mm-hm. So what changed?
LISA. Well, I don’t know, exactly. I just remember waking up one
morning in August—Monday the 23rd, actually. I remember the
date. My room was a wreck; my head was all foggy from sleeping
too late. I mean, everything seemed so gray and just…terrible. But
there was a bird outside my window, singing away.
MORTON. A bird.
LISA. Yeah. Just a common blue bird or something. Well, this is
going to sound corny, but I thought, “Hey, that bird doesn’t have to
sing. It’s making a choice, a choice to…be happy.” So, I basically
said to myself, “Why not you, too?” And I guess I got out of that
bed a new person.
MORTON. You started working harder in school.
LISA. Yes. I found I enjoyed getting good grades. I joined the vol-
leyball team; I really love that. I’m doing some volunteer work at
the retirement home. I feel good.
MORTON. Well, Lisa, as the principal of this school, you know it’s
my job to look out for the welfare of everyone here, students and
teachers alike.
LISA. Yes, sir.
MORTON. So I’ve called you in this morning because, frankly, I
need you to shoot that bird of yours.
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