FUNERAL AND ILLNESS ETIQUETTE

FUNERAL ETIQUETTE

Funerals are emotionally complex, and knowing how to act can present a challenge, or at least be
confusing.
Issues such as what to wear, where to sit, and how long to stay can seem overwhelming.
Knowing the proper etiquette in a funeral can help you feel more comfortable at the service.

Some things that you need to know in a funeral etiquette:

1. What to wear
2. When to arrive
3. Where to sit
4. How to introduce yourself at a funeral
5. How to interact with the grieving family

WHAT TO WEAR
Traditionally, in many cultures, black is the colour of mourning, and those attending a funeral were
expected to wear black clothing. But these days, the expectations aren’t so rigid.

 APPROPRIATE OUTFITS FOR MEN TO WEAR TO A FUNERAL

Men should avoid wearing jeans, short-sleeved shirts, athletic shoes, and baseball caps.
Appropriate outfits for men to wear to a funeral include a suit and tie; pants (pants not jeans)
and a collared, button-down shirt with a tie and a belt; dress shoes or loafers (not sneakers).

 APPROPRIATE OUTFITS FOR WOMEN TO WEAR TO A FUNERAL

Women should avoid wearing overly casual, festive, or revealing clothing. Appropriate outfits for
women to wear include a skirt suit or pantsuit; a skirt of appropriate length (not mini skirt) or
pants (not jeans) and a top with sleeves, a blouse, or a sweater; flats or pumps (not sneakers). In
some religions and culture, women may wear hats to funerals.

WHEN TO ARRIVE
 ARRIVING EARLY TO A FUNERAL SERVICE OR MEMORIAL SERVICE
While funerals and memorial services are sombre events, they are also social events, and people
may arrive early to see other mourners and have time for personal conversations.

 ARRIVING LATE OR LEAVING EARLY

 If you arrive late, enter quietly and find a seat quickly. If you have to leave early, sit in the back
so that you could leave unobtrusively and unnoticed as possible, and make sure you sign the
guestbook before the service begins.

 IF YOU ARE PARTICIPATING IN THE SERVICE

If you’re participating in the service in a way – such as a pallbearer, delivering a eulogy or
reading, or performing a song—you should arrive at least 30 minutes before the service.

WHERE TO SIT
 CHOOSING A SEAT
It’s common to feel a certain level of nervousness when deciding where to sit at a funeral or
memorial service. Many people worry that sitting too close to the family will convey a sense of
too much intimacy, while some worry that sitting too far away will convey a sense of
remoteness or isolated. Remember that the most important issue regarding seating at a funeral
is that family members and close friends have a place to sit in the front and don’t have to argue
or negotiate for a seat.

HOW TO INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO THE FAMILY AT A FUNERAL

SERVICE
Signing the guestbook is one way to let the family know who you are and that you were at the service,
it’s also supportive and caring to introduce yourself to others at the service.
 INTRODUCING YOURSELF TO THE FAMILY AT A FUNERAL
When introducing yourself to the family at a funeral service, be proactive. Those grieving will
not likely to approach you, so you should approach them.
It’s a good idea to keep your words brief. Say your name, explain your relationship to the person
who died, and express your condolences.

HOW TO INTERACT WITH THE GRIEVING FAMILY

Knowing how to interact with someone who has just experienced a loss can be challenging, especially at
the funeral service.
 WHAT TO SAY
The goal of expressing sympathy is to offer your compassion and concern for the bereaved.
- I’m sorry for your loss. While this phrase has become a cliché, it is also a simple and succinct
way of communicating your empathy.
- You are in my thoughts. Letting the person know that you are aware of the emotional
difficulty of the situation can help a bereaved person feel less isolated.
 WHAT NOT TO SAY
 There are three rules to follow when figuring out what not to say: Don’t deny the person who
died is dead; Don’t deny the bereaved person is in emotional pain; Don’t deny that his death
may change everyone’s lives.
- I know how you are feeling. While this may seem like an emphatic statement, it can often
have the opposite effect.
- He/She is in a better place. Unless you know for sure that the person who died and the
bereaved both believe in an afterlife, this statement has the potential to be offensive.
- Now you can start moving on with your life. After a prolonged or painful illness, death can
seem like a relief. A grieving person needs time and space to grieve. Support the bereaved in
taking time and space.

GIVING DONATIONS AND/OR FLOWERS

WHEN GIVING FLOWERS

When giving flowers, one should consider what flower/s to give. The type of flower you choose can
express specific sentiments. The traditional language of flowers provides a way to convey one’s feelings
and send a meaningful message.

1. Lilies – Lily is the flower that most commonly associated with funeral services as they symbolise
the innocence that has been restored to the soul of the departed. The white lily expresses
majesty and purity, whereas white stargazer lilies symbolise sympathy.

2. Gladiolus – The gladiolus embodies strength of character, sincerity, and moral integrity.

3. Carnations – Are a popular choice for sympathy arrangements. The red carnation evokes
admiration while a pink carnation stands for remembrance. White carnations stand for pure
love and innocence.

4. Chrysanthemums – In some European countries such as France, Italy, Spain, Poland, Hungary
and Croatia, chrysanthemums are symbolic of death and are only used for funerals or on graves.
In China, Japan and Korea, white chrysanthemums are symbolic of lamentation and grief.

5. Roses – One of the most recognisable flower in an arrangement of funeral flowers. White roses
evoke reverence, humility, innocence, and youthfulness. Red roses convey respect, love, and
courage. Pink roses signify love, grace, appreciation, and gentility. Yellow roses are given by
friends of the deceased to symbolise their strong ties. Dark crimson roses denote grief and
sorrow.

6. Orchid Plant – Orchid says “I will always love you”. When giving an orchid plant as a gesture of
sympathy, it is important to give consideration to colour. Pink and white are traditional colours
 of sympathy. Varieties such as phalaenopsis orchids and dendrobiums are suggested by florists
as appropriate plants to denote sympathy.

7. Hydrangea – Sending a seasonal spring plant is a nice and appropriate gesture to give a grieving
family. Hydrangea are is a gift of thanks in repayment for understanding and is given as a
gesture of heartfelt sincerity.

8. Daffodils and Tulips – Bright yellow spring tulips are a symbol of renewal and fresh new starts.
Tulips represent elegance and grace. Yellow tulips represent cheerfulness. White tulips
represent forgiveness. Purple tulips represents royalty. Lastly, red tulips represent perfect love.

WHEN GIVING DONATIONS

When the notations “In lieu of flowers, please…” or “contributions to … would be appreciated” appear in
an obituary, take your cue from the request. You may still send flowers in addition, but if you wish to
send only one expression of sympathy, however, follow the family’s wishes and choose the contribution.

When considering a donation:

 Consider giving at least what you would have spent on a flower arrangement.
 When you make a donation include a note saying whom it memorialises. Include your address,
as well, so the organisation can alert the family as to where to send the acknowledgement.
 If you have been advised to give to your favourite charity, and wish to make a contribution, do
so, and choose one that mean something to the family as well.
 Ordinarily, cash isn’t sent to the family but exceptions can be made. For example, if the
bereaved family is having a financial difficulty, a group or lodge members, or neighbours might
take up a collection for the deceased’s family.

GIVING A EULOGY

What is a eulogy?
Eulogy is a warm speech for praising someone.

As a close friend or a family member, you may be asked to write and recite a eulogy at a funeral. You
don’t have to accept if it makes you more upset, but be honest with the family if you prefer not to
speak. But if you decide to do it, how do you know what to say?

Here are some things that you may need to know:

1. GET INPUT – Approach the task with great sensitivity and caring for the deceased and his/her
family. You might ask the family if there is anything they feel should be mentioned or not
 mentioned. Relate stories that show the deceased positive light, and handle any humour with
care.

2. INCLUDE READINGS – If you like, include a poem, passage, or anything else you feel reflect your
friend’s life.

3. STAY FOCUSED – Remember that the subject of your eulogy is the person’s best qualities, not
your feelings.

4. LENGTH – The more eulogies to be delivered, the shorter yours should be – no less than two
minutes, but no longer than eight to ten minutes. It’s wise to have your friends read over your
eulogy before you finalise it.

5. DELIVERY – When giving eulogy, take your time and speak in a conversational tone. The
audience will understand if you get choked up, so simply take a second breathe if that happens.

RELIGIOUS CUSTOMS

A. Eastern Orthodox (such as in Bulgaria, Georgia, FYR Macedonia, Montenegro, Romania, and
Serbia)
 WHAT TO WEAR:
The traditional attire are usually worn in an Eastern Orthodox funerals, such as what is
mentioned in the first part of this report.

1. When Death is Imminent

When an Eastern Orthodox Christian is approaching death, a priest should be brought to
hear the final confession and administer Holy Communion to the dying person.

2. After Death Has Occurred

After death, the priest will lead those present in prayers for the release of the soul.

3. Viewing, Wake, Or Visitation

Once the body has been properly prepared, the priest will begin the First Panikhida, a prayer
service for the deceased. This marks the beginning of the wake. The wake lasts until the
body is brought to the church for the funeral service. Traditionally, the wake lasts three
days. During the wake, the Psalter (Book of Psalms) is read aloud by the family.

4. The Eastern Orthodox Funeral Service

After the wake, the body is brought to the church for the funeral service. Traditionally, the
transportation takes the form of a procession.
Once at the church, the coffin is opened. Mourners should stand throughout the service,
during which the priest will lead the Divine Liturgy, say prayers and lead the Dismissal and
 recite the Memory Eternal. Mourners are encouraged to approach the casket and say
“goodbye”.

B. Japanese Buddhist / Shinto

 WHAT TO WEAR
When it comes to Japanese mourning attire, black should be worn by the attendees.
Women should wear a black kimono or any conservative clothing of plain black, matte-finished
fabric. Black-on-black patterned fabrics, black fabrics with a sheen, or black-and-white floral
prints, for examples are inappropriate. Garments designed with frills, flounces, and jabots, for
example, should be avoided as they appear “festive” or “flirtatious”. The dress should cover the
knees (preferable while sitting, as well as, while standing); silhouette should not be form-fitting
and neckline should be high-cut. Long sleeves and short sleeves are accepted while sleeveless
should be avoided. Jewellery should not be worn except marital jewellery. Shoes should be flat
and fully closed. Makeup should be understated, lipstick should be avoided.
Men should wear a conservative suit, a white shirt, a matte-finished black tie, and black socks. (a
tie of any colour should be avoided). Charcoal grey suit should be avoided. Black shoes are
appropriate. Jewellery should be avoided except for the wedding ring.

1. When Death Is Imminent

Relatives moisten the lips of the dying person with water in a ritual known as “the water of the
last moment”. Many Japanese families have Buddhist altars (butsudan) and Shinto shrines
(kamidana) within the household.

2. After Death Has Occured

When death occurs, a small table with flowers, incense, and candle is placed beside the
deathbed. The household shrine is closed and covered with white paper to keep impure spirits
away. Relatives are informed, and immediately thereafter authorities are informed and a death
certificate should be issued. Traditionally, the eldest son is the one who makes the funeral
arrangements.

3. Viewing, Wake, and Visitation

Normally, the wake is held the day after the death and lasts about an hour. The funeral occurs a
day or two after the wake. At the wake, if the deceased is a practitioner of Buddhism the, a set
of prayer beads, called “juzu”, is carried by the mourners.

4. Japanese Buddhist / Shinto Funeral Service

The funeral is just like the wake, the Buddhist priest chants a sutra, and people offer to the
deceased. Unlike in the wake, however, the deceased receives a new Buddhist name, written in
Kanji. The purpose of renaming is so that the departed should not be beckoned to Earth by the
calling of its former name. At the end of the funeral, friends and families place flowers around
the casket, and the coffin is the nailed shut. Signalling the end of the Earthly existed and is then
transported to the crematorium.
 ILLNESS ETIQUETTE

Being sick is no fun at all. Being sick, like having a really bad cold or having a fever makes us
realise that we’re really not superhuman.

What are the things that we should do and we should not do to people who are ill?

Let’s start off with the things not to do or say:

“Just call if you need anything”

This was the number one pet peeve for both those who were sick as well as caregivers.
Always offer something specific. People were most appreciative of prepared meals and planned
visits. Or offer a chocolate milkshake would always be accepted with a smile, but a “just call” off
will mostly never be used.

“You think you have it bad, let me tell you about…”

Part of human nature is to form connections by sharing like experiences. However, when
someone is ill, it is not the time and place for sharing. Being ill is a highly individualised
experience.

If there are things not to do, there are things that we could, or should, do:

“The Three C’s – Cooking, Cleaning, Caring

Below are the most frequently mentioned actions that were helpful during times of illness.

 Bring meals (include warming instructions) **beware of dietary restrictions.

 Stock the freezer
 Clean the house
 Look around and see what needs to be done
 Walk the dog
 Put in a load of laundry
 Pick up dry cleaning
 Carpool the kids
 Grocery up

“Visit, Visit, Visit”

When someone is sick, days for them can be long. Short visits are actually preferred, so do call
first and then stop by to say hello.
 Call in advance to make sure it is a good time
 Wash your hands as soon as you arrive
 Unless indicated, keep the visit short as it may tire out the patient.
 Bring magazines or books
 Bring conversation starters
 Keep the conversation light and upbeat
 Listen, listen, listen
 Even better, and if the patient is able to, take them out

“Call in the troops”

When someone is ill, having a caring community can make a huge difference.

“Keep in Touch”
Many people said that once the crisis had passed, people told them “we were thinking of you”.
But there are some who felt that they have never known since people cut off all contact. Be in
touch so that the person does know that you are thinking of them.
You can keep in touch by:
 Sending cards, notes, or emails
 Sending flowers
 Sending fruit baskets
 Call, but don’t expect a call back