ENGL 210

WEEK SEVEN
Editing Exercise Feedback
Really good overall

most common error was with the phrase “I was amazed and engrossed in”

What I was looking for was either “amazed by and engrossed in” or
“amazed and engrossed by”

I didn’t take marks off for it but conventionally you don’t put “The Wire” in
scare-quotes.

Many of you changed the phrase “issues that our often underrepresented”
to “issues that we often underrepresented” which is interesting but I not
quite right. I was looking for a homonym: “issues that are often
underrepresented”.
Editing Exercise Feedback
“While watching the series, I was amazed and engrossed in
Simons unflinching representation of the prison industrial
complex the failure of the war on drugs which shone a light on
issues that our often underrepresented in mainstream media.”

“the prison industrial complex” and “the failure of the war on

drugs” are the two issues that were unflinchingly represented.

“The failure of the war on drugs” isn’t shining a light on issues

that are often underrepresented. The representation of the
issues is what’s doing that.
This is a technically fine but long sentence: While watching the
series, I was amazed and engrossed by Simon’s unflinching
representation of the prison-industrial complex and the failure of
the war on drugs, which shone a light on issues that are often
underrepresented in mainstream media.

You could also break it up a bit: While watching the series, I was
amazed by and engrossed in Simon’s unflinching representation of
the prison-industrial complex and the failure of the war on drugs.
Throughout the series, Simon shone a light on issues that are often
underrepresented in mainstream media.

But you can’t do this: While watching the series, I was amazed by
and engrossed in Simon’s unflinching representation of the prison-
industrial complex. The failure of the war on drugs shone a light on
issues that are often underrepresented in mainstream media.
we’re going to do this again
next week with a different
paragraph
Writing an Essay
 The Essay
Thus far we’ve been focusing primarily on single
paragraphs.

As we’ve discussed, the basic elements of the paragraph

are the topic sentence and its support or justification.
The topic sentence introduces an idea, and then the rest of
the paragraph serves to support or justify that idea.

An essay follows a similar pattern: it starts with a thesis

statement, and then a series of paragraphs (each with their
own topic sentence) work to support the thesis.
 The Essay
Structurally, an essay will
employ three basic elements:

An Introduction that catches

your reader’s attention and
contains your thesis statement

A few body paragraphs that

develop and support the claim
made in the thesis statement

a conclusion that restates the

thesis and summarized the
basic argument of the essay
 the thesis statement
Much like the topic sentences that we developed for our paragraphs, the
thesis statement is intended to make a claim that the rest of the essay will
work to develop

As with our topic sentence, the trick is going to be in locating a thesis

statement of appropriate scope

Topic: Video games

too broad: Video games are good

Too narrow: I stayed up too late playing Fortnite on Friday.

Pretty good: Fortnite’s popularity can be attributed in part to its

gamification of contemporary anxieties over resource scarcity
The 5 paragraph essay outline
Thesis: Fortnite’s popularity can be attributed in part to its gamification of
contemporary anxieties over resource scarcity.

Body 1: set up the context: Fortnite is a massively popular game in which

players fight over material resources.

Body 2: make a connection: the 21st century is one characterized by

massive looming fears over rapidly depleting planetary resources

Body 3 : cash it out: Fortnight capitalizes on these anxieties by offering

players a simulation of control over a limited set of resources.

Conclusion: In a moment increasing governed by a logic of scarcity, Fortnite

offers its players a simulated opportunity to claim resources as their own.
 Your first essay…

• 450- 500 words

• Double-spaced
• roughly follows the 5 paragraph model: Intro, 3 body
paragraphs, and conclusion.

• Due Monday 22 October through the moodle

At the end of today’s class…

• At the end of today’s class, you’re going to give me an

outline for your planned essay.

• It’ll follow the 5 paragraph outline format described

earlier

• You are not writing a full draft of anything for today

• You’re just handing in an outline.
 Your topic for the first essay is…

Canadian Cannabis
Legalization
 Canadian Cannabis Legalization
Prewriting
You’re trying to locate a thesis statement of appropriate scope. Our
topic is pretty wide open, so feel free to craft a thesis statement in
any direction you want.

Your essay can be personal: what impact might legal cannabis have
on your life? What concerns do you have about its implementation?

or it can be more impersonal: What impact might legal cannabis

have on Canada? What are its implications for tourism? What will it
mean for universities?

Take a few minutes to talk about this with someone beside you, and
then write down some of your ideas.
 Canadian Cannabis Legalization
Crafting a thesis
Now that you’ve done a little writing, think about identifying an
actual thesis statement.

Keep in mind that your thesis statement has to be a claim, not just
a narrower topic.

Not a Thesis: “This essay will discuss the impact of legal cannabis
on university culture”

Thesis: “Cannabis might serve as a cheaper and healthier

alternative to alcohol as the drug of choice for many university
students.”
 Planning
Introduction: “Now that it’s legal for recreational use, cannabis will serve
as a cheaper and healthier alternative to alcohol as the drug of choice for
many university students.”

Body 1: Many university students gravitate toward alcohol as one of the

few legal and readily-available recreational drugs.

Body 2: Cannabis’ legalization introduces another option, which generally

hits a cheaper price point for budget-conscious university students.

Body 3: In the long term, this may result in less alcohol consumption
among university students, and the positive health outcomes that would
accompany this decrease

Conclusion: While cannabis might introduce its own health concerns,

[restate thesis]
 See You Wednesday

• Hand in your outlines when you go; it’s okay if it’s rough.
• Make sure your name is on it.
• Be sure to read Chapter 19 for Wednesday
 ENGL 210
WEEK SEVEN, PART TWO
 Essay outline feedback
• Generally things look good
• It’s fine to say things like “Cannabis Legalization will have a
positive effect on [specific thing]” but you might find, in writing
the paper, you have a more specific claim to make than just
“positive effect,” so don’t be afraid to take another pass at your
thesis in a later draft.

• Don’t overestimate what 500 words actually looks like. This is still
a relatively short essay.

• I’ve given fairly minimal feedback intentionally but if that makes

you really uncomfortable please just either email me or come
speak with me after class.
 two approaches, both good
Three Related Ideas One Idea

Thesis: Legalization of cannabis will Thesis: Legalization of cannabis will

lead to less users of heavier drugs lead to more users of heavier drugs

1. Buying weed from stores rather

1. Cannabis’ legalization means it
than dealers means no pressure to
will be more readily available
buy harder drugs

2. more availability means more

2. Government cannabis is safer,
people will use it
comes from trusted distributers

3. Smoking cannabis is no longer an 3. more people using it means

illegal behaviour, so there’s no more people will potentially use
implicit inclination toward other it as a stepping stone to more
illegal behaviours dangerous drugs
 Thinking about scope
Quite Big Ideas Could be narrower

Thesis: Paired with a strong education

Thesis: Legal cannabis will be program, legal cannabis will reduce
good for Canadian Canadian healthcare costs

Government 1. Cannabis has benefits for mental

health, including anxiety treatment etc.
1. Decreased healthcare costs 2. There are also drawbacks, and abusing
cannabis can result in negative longterm
2. Increased tax revenue health outcomes

3. A robust education system will help

3. International Tourism people understand these these benefits
and risks
 Take a little time to work on
your outline
Make sure:

- Your thesis and each body paragraph’s topic sentence are

making a specific claim

- All of your body paragraphs relate to your thesis

statement and, ideally, to each other

If you’re happy with your outline you can start mapping out
each of your body paragraphs with a bit more substance.
 discussion
In small groups, discuss what you’re planning to write
about (i.e., your thesis), and how you’ll support your claim
(i.e., your body paragraph topic sentences).

Give your group mates feedback on their outlines:

Do each of the body paragraphs relate to the thesis?

What questions does their thesis raise that aren’t directly

addressed in the body paragraphs?
 Modifiers
from Chapter 19 of Along These Lines
 What’s a modifier?

Modifiers are words, phrases, and clauses that describe or

modify some aspect of a sentence.

My new shirt (word)

The shirt from the store (phrase)

the shirt that I bought (clause)

 Modifiers
Modifiers can give more context and change a sentence’s
meaning, but are not structurally integral to the sentence.

To improve her grades, the student spent the evening

studying.

My friend from Winnipeg is visiting for the weekend.

The term paper, which was worth 50% of the courses’ final
grade, took me a long time to write.
 Modifier exercise
Add at least one modifier to the following sentences:

My wife is running late for her interview.

I walked my dog.

My neighbour won an award.

 placing modifiers
The trick with modifiers is to make sure they’re modifying the
right part of the sentence

As a rule, the modifier will modify the thing in the sentence it’s
closest to:

My friend almost spent $300 on jeans.

My friend spent almost $300 on jeans.

These sentences mean different things entirely as a function of

modifier placement
 misplacing modifiers
Misplaced: Mary Shelley became the first person to
combine science and fiction in the 1820s.

Better: In the 1820s, Mary Shelley became the first person

to combine science and fiction.

Ambiguous: I wrote a horrible poem for my friend’s poetry

journal called “The Shepard and His Wine”

Less So: I wrote a horrible poem called “The Shepard and

His Wine” for my friend’s poetry journal.
misplaced modifier exercise
rewrite the following sentences to fix any misplaced or
ambiguous modifiers:

Cracked in three places, I wasn’t sure the mug could be

saved.

The woman gave a sandwich to her her son in a ziplock bag.

I saw a dead bird walking down the street.

 dangling modifiers
A “dangling modifier” refers to a modifier with no actual
referent.

Walking down the street, there are many people to see.

“Walking down the street” is our modifier, but it doesn’t

actually refer to anything in the sentence. We can sort of
infer what is intended here, but it’s not expressed correctly.

Revised: Walking down the street, you can see many

people.
 dangling modifiers
Dangling: After watching the skies for hours, the rain finally
stopped.

Better: After watching the skies for hours, we noticed the

rain had finally stopped.

Dangling: After seeing the movie, the book on which it’s

based was even better.

Better: After seeing the movie, I though the book on which

it’s based was even better.
Dangling Modifier Exercise

Rewrite the following sentence to fix the dangling modifier:

While watching TV, commercials can be annoying.

To lose weight, fast food should be avoided.

Carrying a tray of drinks, my shoe caught on the edge of an

upturned carpet.
 See you Monday
• Take a look at chapters 8, 20, and 21.
• Essays are due on Monday evening; please email me
with any questions.

• We’ll be doing our second group editing exercise on

Wednesday, so prepare yourself for that.