Update 5.6.

18

TEENAGE BARGAIN: Parenting your

Teenage Kid

By (Author Name)
 Teenage Bargain
Parenting your Teenage Kid

Suzette Z. Parel
 Table of
Contents
Chapter 1

Introduction................1
Chapter 2

Generations................5
Chapter 3

Parenting Styles.........9
Chapter 4

Teenage
Standpoint...................13
Chapter 5

Open
Communication..........17
Chapter 6

Embracing
Transition....................21

I
 Chapter 7
In the Middle
of Conflict...................25
Appendix

References..................29

II
 Chapter 1

Introduction

Before anything else, do remember the

style of parenting that you currently have to
your teenage son or daughter. I want you
to grasp it all in and, if you wish, take them
down all at once. Do this right now, because
you might be parenting your modern-aged
adolescent the wrong way all along.

Well, you wouldn’t probably purchase

this book if there’s nothing really wrong with
how you deal with your 18-year-old.

Age gap – this is the key concept that

you need to understand before you can
unlock the door to your son or daughter’s
evident trust. Generally, people come from
different generations that is influenced by
the context of time that they grew up in
along with several other factors that will

1
 Introduction
most likely influence their behavior patterns.
Nevertheless, people definitely go through
the same stages of life—from childhood to
adulthood--regardless of what generation
they come from.

Although we go through a generic

pattern of growing up, the difference in
generations, among others, is one of the
reasons why you can’t see people as having
the same standpoint with you. It’s for the
same reason that your boss at work, a
colleague, or a close friend of yours, will, at
times, disagree with what you think of. You
don’t always have the same conclusions
to subjective situations as others because
you are influenced by the context of time
that you grew up on just as how they were
influenced by the same along with other
factors such as environment and economy.

Surprise, surprise – your kid is no

different, or should I say teenaged-kid.

As his or her parent, he or she will

2
 Introduction
surely have some resemblance of your
face, hair color, and skin color. But it is near
impossible that your genetic make-up will
likewise influence what his or her decisions
as to color preference, hobbies, or anything
that needs his or her independent judgement
especially when he or she reaches the age
of adult development—most likely 15 and
above.

Now, try to compare this concept to how

you do your parenting job to your teenage
kid. If it’s too much of control, even to the
point where you have the final say on what
he or she should wear on his or her birthday,
then it’s now time to change. No matter
how hard you scream just to tell you kid to
do things you want him or her to do, stop
wasting your time—it won’t and will never
work. He or she will probably just sit there
and act like he or she didn’t hear anything
or lock his or herself up in the bedroom and
likely share his or her thoughts on social
media which is either (a) you are not aware

3
 Introduction
of or (b) he or she doesn’t want you to see.
Do these instances ring a bell? Don’t worry,
we’ll talk about this in a little while.

And if it does ring a bell, you must take

time sitting for a while and don’t take your
eyes off this book. You have some parenting
overhaul to do.

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 Chapter 2

Generations

As we’ve mentioned, all people come

from different generation brackets. There
are many other terms floating around, but
here are the three major distinctions: baby
boomers, generation x, and generation y.

Baby Boomers are your grandpa’s and

grandma’s. Born between 1940’s to 1970’s,
they’re often referred to as idealistic and
uncynical. Their day will revolve depending
on their self-interest and will to do things
based on how they badly want it. They
believe that they can do anything if given
all the tools and resources and are highly
optimistic. This is mainly because they’re
witnesses to the world war II, giving them a
high sense of liberalness and involvement.

Generation X are your aunts and uncles

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 Generations
born between 1960’s to late 1970’s. Their
experience of activism brought by the cold
war between Europe and the United States,
political crisis, and industrial catastrophe
made them develop a perception of making
things done through their own sheer
efforts—that they have to work hard and
strive hard to live. Because of this, their value
for education is extremely high and sees it
as having a competitive advantage over life.
Likewise, their sense of independence is so
apparent and their ability to move along on
their own made them develop a sense of
extreme carefulness in their decisions.

Most likely, you as a parent might fall

under either of these generation brackets.
Although we’re not saying that this is
exactly how a person thinks, generation
brackets nonetheless show how different
contexts of time can contribute to how we
see and value things. It’s inevitable to be
affected by what’s happening around you,
like in the context of being in stuck in an

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 Generations
urban-city traffic. The slow movement of
traffic is something external from you and
you can’t control it. Hence, if you just can’t
take it anymore, there’s a high chance that
you’ll be affected by it internally and have
an anxiety attack while sitting in your car.

Now, enough of the parents. Let’s focus

on where your teenage son or daughter falls:
generation z.

Born between 1980 and 2000, the

generation Z, otherwise known as the
millennials, is the age of all-things-tech. This
is the timeline where Facebook, Twitter, and
other social media platforms were born—
which you are as well probably using.
Millennials are used to have everything
close to at an instant. They emphasize
accessibility, realism, and fun without
compromising their sense of achievement,
may it be in academics, sports, or in
whatever stint they are in. Moreover, their
competitiveness makes them hungry for
sociability. May it be in math contests,

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 Generations
case competitions, or video games, their
fierceness and passion in the things that
they do develops their self-confidence in
every aspect possible.

With that being said, what then should

you do with these differences in age
brackets that you can apply to your style of
parenting?

Well, there can be a lot. We can use

it to balance out how your parenting style
works.

Hold it there—what is your parenting

style?

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 Chapter 3

Parenting Styles

Those age gaps discussed in chapter

two (2) can heavily influence how you treat
your kid. For example, baby boomers, as
idealistic as they are, tend to be lenient.
Their house rules are either way too loose
not to obey or they have no rules at all.
Given that they believe in the concept of
self-motivation, willingness for productivity,
and all-things innate or self-driven, they
would more often than not apply this to
their kids—or grandkids for time context—
and let them explore on their own. They’re
probably the type of parents where they
allow their kids to go out of the house
without any supervision at all and give their
kids the utmost trust they can. This can go
the other way around, either on the extreme

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 Parenting Styles
positive or the extreme negative side of the
spectrum.

The same goes for other generations.

You’re probably drawing a picture of how
parents from different generations would
reprimand—or not—their kids.

But let’s make things uncomplicated

and compartmentalized. Parenting is the
way you support your child on his or her way
to growth from being an infant up to being
an adolescent. Well, along with generation
gaps, there are other things that can affect
your parenting style—more to this later.

For the meantime, let’s talk about the

three ways by which you can be a parent
to your teen kid: authoritarian, permissive,
authoritative.

Authoritarian is probably the tightest

belt among the three. It is characterized
by imposition – what the parents want,
the child will follow. It’s like being in the
military where you, as the parent, is the

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 Parenting Styles
commander-general of the house. More
often than not, punishment is the answer for
every request—or should I say order—that
will not be followed accordingly.

Permissive is the other extreme of the

parenting spectrum. If being an authoritarian
is the tightest, permissive parenting is the
loosest. It’s being too submissive of the
demands of your kid and ends up loosing
the sense of authority overtime. You allow
your son or daughter to construct, implicitly
or explicitly, how the day goes in the house:
when to eat, what to eat, and when to go
out or not. It’s basically living life only once
for your precious teenager.

Authoritative parenting lies in the middle

of the spectrum. Parents who conform with
this type of parenting style knows how to
balance their demands and their teenager’s
demands; much like having a common
ground whenever conflict of disagreement
arises. Obviously, you want to go for
this parenting construct as it allows that

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 Parenting Styles
harmonious relationship between you and
your kid amdist the latter being engulfed
with the realities of near adulthood.

Well, now you know: too loose nor

too strict to demand is not the answer. It
just doesn’t work that way anymore. Gone
are the days of reprimand and capital
punishment, and you have to let go of the
past already. Whatever shortcomings that
you’ve done in the past where your teenager
was still clueless in the world is a stint of
history already.

But the question now is, how to be an

authoritative parent?

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 Chapter 4

Teenage
Standpoint

Now that you have an idea of how

different generations think and the extremes
of the parenting style spectrum, let’s get to
the point: how?

First, it’s important to understand

where your kid is coming from. But, where
do their instincts and thinking actually come
from?

Well, teenagers of today are heavily

influenced by technology, their peers,
and social development aspects among
other reasons. It’s because of this reason
why teenage thinking is too complicated.
It’s possible to know how they react on
situations and where do they anchor their

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 Teenage Standpoint
decisions from, but reality is: it’s not feasible.
Here’s why:

For you to do that, you have to follow

your son or daughter everywhere they go
and in whatever that they do. And knowing
that they are growing means that they
gradually grasp the idea of independence
and privacy. If you’re going to follow him
or her and know everything that he or she
does, your kid will most likely perceive it
as an invasion of their privacy or, in cleaver
terms, they’ll find it weird.

With all of the influences that is around

him or her, your kid probably has acquired
that sense of empowerment; that they can
voice out whatever they can voice out. Their
control over themselves is immense to the
point where they can’t see themselves be
stopped by anyone, especially their peers
and, eventually, you—the parent. Take note:
this theory doesn’t point out whether this
sense of empowerment that they’re feeling
is on a positive note or otherwise—we’ll

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 Teenage Standpoint
take this on later.

Notwithstanding the outcomes of

the teenage empowerment theory we
explained, there’s pretty much nothing that
you can do about it. Your teenage kid is on
the transition of forming his adult life, and
that it’s natural for him or her to develop that
sense of independence. So, stop wasting
your time ordering him or her to go home
right after school because it won’t make the
cut. Orders won’t make the cut.

But, what will?

Look, since teenage thinking is way

too complex to think of, there’s really no
universal rule as to how can you make your
teenage kid open up. But, what you can do
is observe. Keep track of what he needs and
leave an eye to what it is that he is doing.
Provide even though he or she doesn’t ask
for things that he or she wants, especially
when you know that it can help him or her
accomplish tasks that are important to him

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 Teenage Standpoint
or her, like giving him or her a cup of coffee
after knowing that it’s his or her major
examinations week.

Seems like a small thing, right? But

here’s a fact: it’s the small things that matter.
You have to build rapport with your teenage
kid as if you’re building rapport with your
co-worker in the office. Again, your kid is
about to be an adult in the coming years, so
treating him or her like one will prepare him
or her for his or her adult life. See him or her
as an adult having his or her own life and
privacy supporting what he or she does.

It’s about accepting facts; and age is

a fact. Getting old is a fact, and your kid
getting old is a fact. As cliché as it may
sound, it’s true that the only thing constant
is change. Embrace it—that’s the key.

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 Chapter 5

Open
Communication

The trouble after understanding how

your teenage kid makes decisions and his
or her standpoint in anything that he or she
does is, what now?

First, let’s make a little tweak on your

socializing skills with generation y people,
or more commonly known as millennials;
answering when is the fundamental step.

Teenagers are busy, and they want

time as it is all that they have. So, it’s alright
to let your kid manage his or her time alone
just as letting him or her managing his or her
decisions alone.

As a result of letting them on their own,

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 Open Communication
there’s a high possibility of that immense
hunger for rest after a long day, and you
don’t want to take that away from them.
Neither do you want to take the starting
time nor the end time of their day.

To cut things short, you don’t want

to engage anything with your teenage son
or daughter during their free time nor at
the start or end of their time. You socialize
with them while they are in the middle of
something by doing things of the same
nature as what he or she does. When your
kid’s busy with schoolwork, try to get a pen
out and do some office-related stuff as well.
That’s when you try to engage with a talk.

Next, you want to make them speak

more. So, you ask them to speak by asking
them indirect questions. In contrast to
direct ones, indirect questions sound polite
and encourages something more from
whom you asked a question from. Instead
of saying “How’s school?”, you ask them
“can you tell me how school went?” or “I

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 Open Communication
was wondering about the project that you
did the other day.”

When your kid talks, you look them in

the eye and listen. Keep your comments,
suggestions, and thoughts for some other
time. Butting-in what you have to say
implies that you want to lecture him or her
over the subject on your point of view and
not on him or hers. What he or she needs is
a listener, and butt-in what you have to say
when he or she asks for it. If it’s something
that sounds great, then show support. If it’s
something that sounds unhappy and blue,
then go tell him or her that it’s fine.

Now that he or she spoke up, it’s now

time to do something about it. Do things
that will make her feel like you’re there by
thinking of ways by which you can help him
or her out based on what she spoke about.
If he or she feels bad about school, maybe
your kid needs a little time off—go out and
see a movie or go shopping perhaps would
do it.

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 Open Communication
And when he or she feels that you’re
there, then that’s when he or she will be
more comfortable in voicing out what his or
her thoughts are or what went through his
or her day. It’s about compensating him or
her positively and showing that you’re there
to support him or her in whatever he or she
does and notwithstanding the outcome.

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 Chapter 6

Embracing
Transition

Now you know the practical and

conceptual side of teenage parenting, it’s
now time to reinforce it.

See, as a parent of a teenager, you want

to show that you’re there for him or her. A
part of being that is cheering for the good
things and not blaming for the bad things.
Unfortunately, a stereotype of parents is
that they tend to ignore the good things as
if nothing happened and put flame on the
bad things as if they committed a crime.

In short, stereotype parenting includes

expecting the worst out of your kid—
which is something that you should not
be showing, implicitly or explicitly. Your

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 Embracing Transition
actions and expressions mean a lot, so
being extra sensitive on these will surely
help. Remember: it’s a young adult that
you’re dealing with. He or she is not ignorant
of what that raised eyebrows or grumpy
accent mean.

And yet again, given that teenagers

think complexly, there’s no such thing as the
“ultimate guide to parenting.” Everyone’s
different, and you asking for an advice from
a colleague on how to parent your child is
as if saying that your kid is the same as
your colleague’s kid—which is definitely
false. Moreover, it’s as if you’re saying that
you are an incompetent parent where you
anchor your decisions based on how other
parents do their parenting.

Look, we’re not saying that asking

advices is a bad thing to do. But, as a parent,
it’s your job to make your relationship
with your kid work according to your own
understanding and observance. Sure,
there are some guidelines to follow, but it’s

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 Embracing Transition
you who will be in charge of how you are
going to make it work. Advices are great to
build and experiment on perspectives and
philosophies, but that’s it; that should only
be the sole purpose of others’ advices.

Permanent things matter; only

permanent things. Interfere only when what
he or she is doing will damage his or her
whole life permanently. Hair color, messy
room—these are small things that will only
annoy him or her if you’re nagging it all day
long. Just let these things be because he or
she will realize how these small things are
important along the way; he or she is not a
baby that needs your guidance with this—
it’s a part of the basics so to speak.

Permanent things like too much alcohol

or drugs are the ones that needs your
interference. This is where your traditional
job as a parent comes in—making sure he
or she is safe while he or she is on her way
to development. You can think of this as a
sort of a boundary on when to be strict and

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 Embracing Transition
when not to be strict.

Lastly, and probably the most

important, is be a friend to him or her.
Do show interest with what he or she is
doing. Do things together; learning his or
her hobby is probably an effective way of
showing interest. Share what transpired in
your day with her as if he or she’s a friend.
Who knows, maybe your kid has to say with
your day.

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 Chapter 7

In the Middle of
Conflict

Yet again, despite all of the efforts to

keep that connection up, there will be times
where disagreements and conflict is just
too strong that neither you or your kid can
contain it. That’s life: not everything works
the way it should be all the time.

Hence, you have to prepare yourself

for times where your and your teenage son
or daughter’s blood it just boiling too much.

First and foremost, calm down. You

have to keep your temper at controllable
levels, or else things might get worse.
See, more often than not, the ground in
parent-teen conflict is your kid’s journey to
self-discovery and self-development. The

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 In the Middle of Conflict
premise, in this case, will be “I can live by
myself”—independence in its very essence.

Therefore , you as a parent asking often

about him or her fixing the bed or asking if
he or she can do something implies that you
don’t trust your son or daughter living on her
own. Likewise, putting it in the context of
self-development and self-worth, you giving
out a hug out of nowhere connotes that you
still want him to be within the corners of the
comfort that you used to give him or her
when he or she was a child—which was a
long time ago. It gives that implication that
you want him or her to be trapped in his or
her long-forgotten comfort zone when in
fact he or she is on the process of growing
up.

Hence, that mushy and pillow-like nor

that firm, stone-like approach to resolving
conflict won’t work. In more concrete
terms, you can’t put out fire with fire nor by
just mere blowing it; it will just make things
worse.

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 In the Middle of Conflict
So, you put it out with water—be cool
and stay calm. Listen to what he or she has
to say first and remember to keep tactful
when it’s your turn to talk. Even before
the start of the argument, accept the fact
that you have to compromise in a way or
another. Therefore, while on the process
of listening to him or her, think of ways by
which you can arrive at a conclusion where
he or she will benefit from without having to
sacrifice discipline and authority.

In arriving at a compromising end

result, remember that he or she is not a kid
anymore. Let him or her decide or figure
out things on her own. If things don’t go
favorable on his or her end, let it be. It’s
only through mistakes that your kid can
learn effectively, but if you know that such
mistake would adversely affect his or her
life, then that’s the time to tighten up the
belts and reprimand.

You, as a parent, are your kid’s coach

in life. And in coaching, you don’t give

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 In the Middle of Conflict
solutions; you hear the coachee out and
let him or her figure his or her way out of
the sticky situation that he or she is in. In
that way, you’ll help him or her develop the
things the he or she needs to know and to
grasp until he or she officially reaches the
realities of the adult life.

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 Appendix

References

https://www.ibcomagazine.
com/2018/03/14/what-in-generation-a-
timeline-from-courageous-baby-boomers-
to-internet-driven-generation-z/

http://www.wmfc.org/uploads/
GenerationalDifferencesChart.pdf

http://isha.sadhguru.org/blog/lifestyle/
relationships/parenting-teens-5-tips-for-
raising-teenagers/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/
us/blog/domestic-intelligence/200901/
teens-and-parents-in-conflict

https://www.webmd.com/parenting/
features/10-parenting-tips-for-raising-
teenagers#1

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 References
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-
lifestyle/tween-and-teen-health/in-depth/
parenting-tips-for-teens/art-20044693

https://www.perfect-english-grammar.
com/indirect-questions.html

http://time.com/65324/7-powerful-
tips-for-great-parent-child-communication/

https://www.fatherly.com/health-
science/millennial-parent-do-generations-
exist/

https://academic.oup.com/
innovateage/article/1/3/igx026/4643095

https://my.vanderbilt.edu/
developmentalpsychologyblog/2013/12/
types-of-parenting-styles-and-how-to-
identify-yours/

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