Intimacy 101 A Primer

Intimacy 101: a Primer
Includes "60
"60 Ways to Deepen Intimacy in
Your Marriage!"
Marriage!"
by Jim and Carrie Gordon

creators of www.the-
www.the-intimate-
intimate-couple.com
www.the-
www.the-intimate-
intimate-couple.com
©2010 The Intimate Couple. All rights reserved. Reproduction and distribution are forbidden.
No part of this publication shall be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by
any other means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without prior
written permission from the authors.
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the
subject matter covered. It is distributed with the understanding that the authors are not engaged
in rendering legal, medical, or other professional advice or counseling. The Intimate Couple, Jim
and Carrie Gordon, individually or corporately, do not accept any responsibility for any liabilities
resulting from the actions of any parties involved.
Intimacy 101: a Primer © 2010 www.the-intimate-couple.com
Table of Contents
The Assault on Intimacy .....................................

.....................................4
.....4
Four Kinds of Intimacy .......................................
.......................................8
.......8
10 Benefits of Intimacy ....................................
....................................13
.... 13
10 Barriers to Intimacy ....................................
....................................15
.... 15
The Four C's of Intimacy ..................................
..................................18
.. 18
60 Ways to Deepen Your Intimacy ...................21
................... 21
Deepening Spiritual Intimacy ...........................21
........................... 21
Deepening Emotional Intimacy .........................23
......................... 23
Deepening Intellectual Intimacy .......................26
....................... 26
Deepening Sexual Intimacy ..............................28
.............................. 28
Page 3
I. The Assault on Intimacy

Many people suffer under terrible misconceptions about sex and
sexuality, and the results of these misunderstandings are often
catastrophic. Fortunately, in the Bible we have the guide book for
living, loving, and relationships. It is the moral compass necessary to
help us navigate through the idle opinions and distracting
philosophies of the self-proclaimed experts. The Bible teaches us
that intimacy—not just sex—is what the world longs for.
Western culture is saturated with sex. Look around: sex sells, and
the exploitation of sexuality is everywhere. We see lots of sex;
intimacy..
sadly, we see little intimacy
Those who follow promiscuity as portrayed in the media, actually

short-circuit genuine intimacy and rob themselves of the authentic,
deep joy that sex within marriage was designed to bring!
Steve is a friend who has huge issues with intimacy; ask

his two ex-wives, they’ll confirm our conclusion. For
Steve, openness, vulnerability, and personal disclosure are
like pulling teeth—under the best of circumstances. We
have little doubt that the promiscuous lifestyle he lived
has much to do with that. With his many sexual partners,
he lacked the commitment necessary to develop genuine
intimacy. Intimacy demands we open up and become
vulnerable—impossible when all you’re pursuing is sex.
Page 4
A. Pornography:
Pornography: The Deadly Counterfeit
Even apart from the inordinate media attention to sexuality,

pornography is rampant. Not only is it big business, it is the
fascination of the vast majority of men.
lie;; it’
Pornography is based on a lie it’s only:: to
s made for one reason only
make money.
Porn stars are models and actresses—and they certainly do not

portray what real women are like! Pornography teaches young
men (the obvious target market: males ages 17 to 37) all the
wrong things about relationships, values, and the treatment of
women! Young men learn that women are simply objects to
satisfy their self-centered need for gratification.
When you mix easy and abundant internet access to lewd

material and couple it with an eroding moral foundation, you
paint a frightening picture of the moral future of our next
generation.
Jason is a young man still in high school. He has a girl

friend, a very nice girl who, unfortunately, is as insecure
as he is. Adding fuel to this fire is Jason’s selfishness. He
thinks it’s okay to be self-absorbed, and gauge a
successful relationship by how well the young lady
enables him to have fun. For many men like Jason,
pornography reinforces this selfishness by making sexual
gratification a goal outside of a committed marriage
relationship.
Promiscuous sex is the cheap counterfeit of intimacy.
Page 5
B. Sex Outside of Marriage: Playing with Fire!

Fire!
The Bible alludes to lust (unbridled sexual desire) as a fire.

Let’s extend and extrapolate that analogy a few orders of
magnitude—and make a comparison with nuclear explosions.
We all realize nuclear explosions can be harnessed to provide

atomic power for entire cities—or can be unleashed to
devastate landscapes and kill thousands: enormous benefit, or
incalculable carnage. Isn’t sex somewhat the same?
Our God-given sex drive can also create great benefit or great
damage! It can be the powerful binding force between a
husband and wife—just as God designed it to be—or it can also
be the cause of a marital meltdown when it’s taken outside of
the marriage covenant.
Sex is designed for marriage. The truth is that marriage is the

only relationship powerful enough to contain healthy sexuality!
Todd and Brenna were in love and hoped to be married

someday soon. Although their belief system upheld
refraining from sex until after marriage, they allowed
themselves to get into some pretty tempting sexual
situations while alone with each other. Todd most often
initiated sex, and they began to sleep together regularly.
What happened after the marriage?
Very quickly, sex became a problem in their relationship.

Instead of drawing them closer to each other, it became a
wedge driving them apart. Why?
Todd’s insistence on pursuing sexual gratification before

marriage showed lack of discipline (character) and
Page 6
selfishness. Sex, an activity they shouldn’t have done

before marriage, now became associated with a guilty
conscience. Even after the honeymoon was over, Brenna
still associated sex with guilt. She wrestled with thoughts
that Todd was only interested in sex because it gave him
pleasure—and she felt he treated her like a sex object.
Explosive stuff!
C. Intimacy:
Intimacy: Sex, Yes—
Yes—but Much More!
Whenever people begin talking about intimacy, most are usually

thinking sex. Fortunately though, there is a lot more to intimacy
than sex. We say “fortunately” because the sexual bliss
everyone is searching for is a result of much more than just an
orgasm! It is a result of true intimacy!
Page 7
II. Four Kinds of Intimacy

Intimacy is a 4-dimensional reality composed of spiritual, emotional,
intellectual, and sexual components. In fact, if a couples’ only
experience of intimacy is sex, their relationship is shallow to the
point of non-existence!
On the other hand, when a marriage experiences intimacy spiritually,

intellectually, and emotionally—then sex will be an outflow of a deep
connection.
It was just over 2 years ago when Carrie and I began to

spend time focusing on our relationship as we produced
the Intimate Couple website. Of course, we are the ones
who have benefited most from the material we write! By
making choices that help us to develop intimacy
intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually, we have
definitely seen our sex life also improve ☺!
Sex can be awesome in terms of pleasure, but also in terms of

binding two souls together. This is the experience of the proverbial
soulmate connection, the ultimate experience of closeness possible
between a husband and wife.
Sexual intimacy, within the context of the 4 dimensions, becomes the

glue that cements and reinforces a relationship. Without the
experience of spiritual, emotional, and intellectual intimacy, sex is
nothing more than fleeting, momentary pleasure outside of authentic
relationship. Outside of intimacy, sex soon becomes empty.
Page 8
Sex was designed to strengthen intimacy in all dimensions. All forms

of intimacy are obviously interconnected and closely related; in fact,
though distinct, they work in concert with each other.
Consider a similar situation with the human body:
An Example: The Human Body Systems—

Systems—Working
Working Together
reproductive
The body has ten different systems: reproduct ive,, circulatory,
ive
etc.. For the sake of studying and
digestive, skeletal, nervous, etc
learning how the body works, it is beneficial to examine them
separately. However, they are vitally interrelated with each
other.
The digestive system, for example, is separate from the

circulatory system; however, they are so intertwined that when
trying to identify what organs belong to what system, you may
find some organs and parts of the body belong to more than one
system!
Our blood, as a case in point, is intimately involved in both the

circulatory and digestive systems! This overlap of systems
interdependence
simply indicates and points out the interdependen ce that exists
them..
between them
It’s really the same with intimacy. Intellectual intimacy is

different than emotional intimacy, but at times they overlap and
differences are imperceptible. So it is with all four types of
intimacy.
Page 9
The Intimacy Iceberg
Now, don’t think cold—think hot!
We like to use the analogy of the iceberg to convey the relationship

between differing forms of intimacy.
Sexual
Em otional
Intellectual
Spiritual
We have all heard that the tip of the iceberg is only about 10% of the
entire structure. What lies beneath the surface of the water is
massive compared to what is visible to the eye. In the same manner,
what is under the surface in a relationship makes all the difference.
Below the surface of all fulfilling, sexual relationships are authentic

emotional, intellectual, and spiritual connections. As previously
mentioned, whenever people begin talking about intimacy, most are
usually thinking sex. However, the reality is that sex is just the tip of
the intimacy iceberg!
Page 10
Intimacy Explained
i) Sexual Intimacy:
The other forms of intimacy can be experienced between any
two people; however, it is sexual intercourse, reserved
between husband and wife, that makes marriage the most
union,, a man and wife are
unique of all relationships. In sexual union
made one flesh.
Why is there a much higher rate (more than 50% higher)

of separation between lovers when they cohabit,
cohabit as
opposed to their married counterparts? One factor is that
the commitment of marriage provides the best context for
intimacy: sexual and otherwise.
ii) Emotional Intimacy:

It is in this particular area of closeness that romance best fits
into the picture. When our emotions are involved, things get
very interesting! It’s all the warm, cozy feelings of falling in
love and being in love that we think of when we consider
emotional intimacy.
All of the words, thoughts, and actions that affect how we feel
about our spouse and about our marriage have a bearing on
emotional intimacy.
iii) Intellectual Intimacy:

Intellectual intimacy is perhaps the most overlooked form of
intimacy. Nevertheless, it is this intellectual closeness that
often first binds two people together. Granted, a man may be
attracted by the physical appearance of a woman, but it is the
closeness developed through getting to know one other
intellectually that first draws a couple to each other.
Many couples feel that “spark” of excitement growing between
them as they spend time conversing and getting to know each
Page 11
other. This process begins intellectually and quickly becomes

emotional as well.
Over time, April and Doug fell madly in love with each
other; however, if you were to look at them they seem
oddly matched with each other. Doug is a big guy from
rural Ontario, and April is a very petite girl from Laos in
Southeastern Asia. How did they ever hook up?
The internet! They met online, and began a courtship in

cyberspace! How can something like this work? It can
work, because “falling in love” is often started by
developing intellectual intimacy!
iv) Spiritual Intimacy:

Based on the bedrock of common values and beliefs, spiritual
intimacy extends our oneness to the very core of who we are,
and influences how we perceive ourselves and the world
around us.
intimacy,, is also
Arguably the most neglected intimacy, spiritual intimacy
important,, because it is a tri-intimacy involving
the most important
husband, wife, and God.
Our relationship with God is like the hub of a wheel. Everything

else in life comes into balance when the Lord has central
position in our life.
In our marriage vows, husband and wife make a vow to each

other—but it’s in the sight of God. Our vows include God. With
this understanding, as we grow closer to our spouse spiritually,
we also grow closer to God.
Page 12
III. 10 Benefits of Intimacy
• You gain your “dream marriage”:

marriage As you develop intimacy, you
are automatically developing your dream relationship!
• Pure enjoyment: Life is just way more fun when you’re

experiencing it with your best friend!
• Support: Even though there are always struggles in life (family,

work, finances, etc.), having true intimacy with your spouse
enables you to “face anything”!
There was a time recently when life took a few

unexpected twists and turns for Carrie and I. A major
break in a relationship with a very close relative, coupled
together with some considerable false accusations against
us, set the stage for significant stresses!
Here’s the kicker: after the initial shock wore off, we

were amazed at how peaceful and calm we felt through
our ordeals! We were amazed to conclude that true
intimacy with our husband or wife allows us to face
face
anything!
• Safety: Real intimacy gives you the strength and desire to resist
sexual temptations that would destroy marriages.
• Stress relief: Physical touch and emotional connection are great

stress relievers, and the very definition of physical intimacy!
Page 13
• Health: Every related physical and psychological study confirms

that great marriages (which could be defined as relationships
with great intimacy!) are best for the health of each spouse!
• Humility: Only God could have designed something as basic as

sex for us to keep needing one another!
A woman we know expressed to her husband that sex is

pretty undignified when you think about it. Realistically,
wouldn’t you find it hard to be proud and conceited when
you’re regularly enjoying sex?
Don’t you find that sex is a little bit humbling? To fully

enjoy each other, and the sexual experience, you really do
need to have a sense of humor and a good dose of
humility!
• Character development:
development As we focus on another’s pleasure and
well being, we develop the good character that is produced by
living for the good of another.
• Influence: Every intimate couple has the potential of mentoring

other couples that struggle, and imparting advice and
encouragement.
• Modeling: The intimate couple models God’s design for our

children, and for future generations.
Page 14
IV. • Busyness,
Busyness, fatigue,
10 Barriers to Intimacy
fatigue, and stress:

stress These first 3 barriers are more
common than any others and are brought on by a frenetic life
style. Someone has said, "If the devil can’t make you bad, he’ll
make you busy!"
An engaged couple had the opportunity to get involved in

a potentially lucrative business—together. At first, this
opportunity seemed perfect for a hard-working couple
ready to start off life together. Yet, we strongly urged
against them going forward. Why?
Marriage has many stresses on it during the first year

while a couple is getting to really know each other and
make the huge adjustments necessary for a successful
relationship. The last thing this couple needed was
navigating around the pressures of business, finding out
their respective roles and expectations in the business,
and then, after returning home from work together,
fighting the temptation to bring work home with them!
• An unteachable spirit:
spirit Intimacy is nurtured with mutual attitudes
of openness and humility between husband and wife. The man
or woman who consistently considers themselves always right
is motivated by pride, and will frustrate the development of
intimacy.
Todd is always right; at least he thinks he is. On those

rare occasions where he magnanimously gives in and
Page 15
allows his wife to have her way—he pouts and doesn’t let
her forget that he is giving in—because he’s such a great
guy (he thinks!).
The sad part to the story is that his attitude of always

knowing the best prevents him from seeing his wife’s
perspective. He has an unteachable spirit; his wife is a
saint for putting up with him!
• Guilt:
Guilt As long as guilt is present in the heart and mind of a
husband or wife, intimacy will be diminished. Guilt indicates
something is still hidden, and needs to be brought into the light
and acknowledged. Although difficult to do, confession to
husband or wife builds trust and automatically makes intimacy
thrive.
John finally did what he never thought he would ever be

able to do; though it was one of the most difficult things
he’s ever done, he confessed to his wife the struggle he
had with pornography.
His new found freedom from guilt and the power of a clear
conscience seemed to step up their intimacy. Dealing with
his latent guilt, actually enhanced the trust factor between
John and his wife... and trust builds intimacy!
• Conflicting values:
values We talk about the 4 C’s of intimacy—and
common values is one of them. When core values are in dispute
between a husband and wife, there is no real path of resolution.
Core values are what we believe, and are not easily changed
without radical personal adjustment.
• Pornography:
Pornography Leads to a physical and psychological addiction
that alters a man’s perceptions of sexual reality. Guilt,
unrealistic expectations, and the illusion that sex apart from
commitment is fulfilling are all devastating to intimacy.
Page 16
Bob lived a secret life. Everyone knew him to be a gifted

leader, devoted husband and father, and skilled
communicator. And as a community leader, he had the
admiration of thousands. Secretly, he was hooked on
pornography.
While Bob was vacationing with his family, one of his staff
members went looking for a file on his office computer.
Instead, he found all kinds of pornography. Although the
outward areas of his life began to quickly unravel as his
secret became public, his private life and marriage had
been unraveling for a long time.
No marriage can withstand the erosion of intimacy that

occurs when pornography has a grip on a husband’s mind.
• Unresolved conflict:
conflict As long as there is a break in a relationship
due to unresolved conflict, intimacy will be on hold. When
couples are willing to work things out, conflicts actually provide
new opportunities to deepen intimacy in the process.
• Lack of communication
communication:
ommunication Few things hamper intimacy like a lack
of communication! Learn to talk, and open up in humility and
honesty. Overcoming our pride and fear is a key in enriching
communication.
• Intimacy
Intimacy busters for men
men:
en Feelings of inadequacy; fear of
becoming vulnerable; viewing of pornography (already
mentioned earlier) and self-centeredness are common for many
men.
Page 17
V. The Four C’s of Intimacy

Every dimension of intimacy—sexual, emotional, spiritual, and
intellectual, is created within an atmosphere of caring,
values..
communication, commitment, and the foundation of common values
A. Caring
Authentic caring for our partner promotes openness, honesty,
and vulnerability to know and be known. It allows mutual
freedom to think independently, not demanding our spouse to
conform.
Caring can be defined as doing what is best for my spouse to

experience his/her God-given destiny.
B. Communication
When couples are able to accurately convey their feelings to
each other, without intimidation or embarrassment, knowing
their thoughts are valued—then they can pray together
meaningfully and ask God for His opinion.
Regularly talk about your relationship... together rather than

with others! Ask one another, “What can I do to make our
marriage better?”
C. Commitment
It is unconditional acceptance expressed in the mutual
development of well-being and trust regardless of the
circumstances.
Page 18
When commitment is present in a relationship, husband and

wife fully know and feel their spouse is loyal and can be
completely trusted.
D. Common Values
Holding common fundamental beliefs and core values results in
couples seeing and “feeling” the world through the same
lenses. This is a soulmate connection.
Unless both the husband and wife hold to the same basic beliefs
and values, there can be no spiritual union.
The 4C’s Barrel Diagram

God designed our marriage relationships to be like a container—a
barrel, if you will! There is an incredible potential in marriage to
contain joy, excitement, satisfaction—you name it, marriage can
both generate it and hold it!
The staves in a barrel (the wooden strips the

barrel is made from), must all be present for
the barrel to hold water! If one is completely
missing, the barrel leaks, and can hold
nothing!
Think of the 4 C’s like the staves of a barrel!

Together, communication,
communication care,
care common
values,
values and commitment are the staves. If
one stave is shorter than the others, the
capacity of the entire barrel is directly
limited to the shortest stave.
Page 19
Consider, for example, communication. In a relationship, a couple

can
• care deeply,
• hold to the same fundamental common values and,
• be totally committed to each other
-but if communication is missing, every other area of their

relationship will be hampered.
If one element is missing—or is inadequate—the barrel’s capacity

is reduced.
Is your marriage capacity-reduced?!
Page 20
VI. 60 Ways to Deepen

Your Intimacy!
On the pages that follow, we will explore practical exercises and
ideas to strengthen and promote all forms of intimacy through
commitment
communication, caring, com mitment, and common values.
A. Deepening Spiritual Intimacy
1. Make your spiritual life measurable: how do you invest

time, money, resources on your spiritual life?
2. Pray together routinely as a couple: hold hands and take

turns back and forth praying about issues, and for people.
3. Share with each other what you believe God is saying to

you today.
Page 21
4. Husbands: lead your family with daily devotions of some

kind.
5. God has given you desires, passions, and gifts: write them
down and ask yourselves how you are using them for the
Kingdom of God?
More Practical Exercises to Deepen Spiritual Intimacy
Communication
6. Talk about your past spiritual journey: how was God

leading you—first as individuals and then together?
7. Pray for your spouse throughout the day.
Caring
8. Describe to your spouse how you would rate your spiritual

life on a scale of 1 to 10. On what basis do you make this
evaluation? Discuss with each other your feelings and
expectations about spirituality in your relationship.
Page 22
9. Encourage your spouse with truth about how the Lord

sees them.
Commitment
10. Commitment grows with trust. Ask your spouse: “Do you
see any discrepancies between what I say and how I live
that might have eroded some trust between us?”
11. Block out time on the calendar to engage in activities that

you mutually agree will enhance your spiritual life
together (pray together, read a book together).
Common Values
12. Take time to write down your views on the Bible,

Christianity, and the Lordship of Jesus Christ. Reaffirm
your mutual commitment to these values.
B. Deepening Emotional Intimacy
13. Treat your spouse better than an invited guest to your

home!
14. Give undivided attention when your spouse is speaking to

you.
15. Say, “I love you” often.
16. Steal time away to connect with your partner, especially

when you’re busy.
17. Men: include non-sexual touching in your daily interaction

with your wife. Hold hands more often.
Page 23
18. Many women connect emotionally through words,

affection, and non-sexual touching; many men connect
emotionally through sex. Discuss together how this
applies to you.
19. Decide to forgive again and again and again!
20. Write love letters to help keep romance alive.
21. Men: it’s the thought that counts—so think of ways to

cherish your wife... and then do them!
More Practical Exercises to Deepen Emotional Intimacy
Communication
22. Read a book together on developing communication skills.
23. Learn to be clear when you forgive one another: clearly

acknowledge personal responsibility for the hurt feelings;
ask forgiveness clearly. (Don't say "If
If I hurt you" ... of
course you did!)
24. Develop vulnerability by trying to say what you really

feel—as awkward and difficult as it may seem at the
moment.
Page 24
Caring
25. Agree to speak in lower, softer tones when you are in

conflict. Proverbs 15:1 is a great rule to live by!
26. Decide to follow etiquette rules that help foster and

demonstrate respect for each other. Husbands—why not
choose to always open the car door for your wife?
Commitment
27. Schedule a weekly husband/wife meeting—a date night.

Make a binder and use it to write down progress in the
areas you are working on in your relationship.
Try these areas:

-demonstrating
demonstrating respect for each other
-romantic exercises
-dealing with conflict
Core Values
28. Let’s consider conflict resolution: what activities do you

engage in that are hurtful to your spouse when you are in
conflict?
Establish agreed-upon ground rules for conflict in the

future (and, yes, conflict is inevitable). Your values need
to be reflected in the tough times!
Page 25
C. Deepening Intellectual Intimacy
29. Ask your spouse if you are always

dominating conversation.
30. Become a better listener: don’t just

hear—strive to understand.
31. Include your spouse in decision-making.
32. How do you ensure you’re giving freedom to your spouse

to think for themselves?
33. Do you know what interests and dreams your spouse has?
34. Are you your spouse’s best cheerleader?
35. How do you demonstrate that you value your spouse’s

opinion as much as your own?
36. Have you both divulged personal secrets to each other, in

an expression of openness and humility?
More Practical Exercises to Develop Intellectual Intimacy
Communication
37. Choose three “hot topics” where you know you and your
partner disagree.
Take turns listening to one another's opinion. The goal is

not to prove you are right! The purpose is to ask questions
that demonstrate you fully understand your spouse’s
viewpoint!
Page 26
Caring
38. Look for opportunities to compliment your spouse on their

thoughtful opinion—privately and publicly.
39. Have one of those heart-to-heart conversations to ask

the following question:
“Are their specific times that I have ridiculed or made fun

of your opinion? I need to know because I realize that is
very wrong, and not honoring to you at all.”
Commitment
40. Identify your partner’s top two interests. Creatively

determine how you can encourage them in those interests.
41. Set a regular time each week to talk together about a pre-
determined topic of common interest. Spontaneity, of
course, is great, but deciding beforehand makes for
anticipation and thoughtful dialogue!
Page 27
Core Values
42. Acceptance of differing opinions is a critical core value.

Discuss with your spouse the best ways you both can
value each other’s uniqueness.
Try composing lists for each other:

Different—
“Ways You and I are Different —but that I Wouldn’t
Change!””
Want to Change!
D. Deepening Sexual In
Intimacy
43. Start sex “in the kitchen”!
44. Foreplay: take plenty of

time... 20 minutes minimum!
45. Don’t forget to include lots

of kissing.
46. Ask your spouse what they

would like to try.
47. Prioritize time for sexual

intimacy.
48. Relax, have fun and enjoy

one another.
49. Become a student of your spouse, and improve your

techniques... no matter how long you've been married!
Page 28
More Practical Exercises to Deepen Sexual Intimacy
Communication
50. Talk together about why open communication about sex is

sometimes difficult. Do both of you feel safe in expressing
feelings? Are you able to identify influences that make
openness a challenge?
51. Ask your partner what they like, and what doesn’t work
for them during sex.
52. Read a book together about sex, or consult www.the-

intimate-couple.com. These provide a forum for
discussion about sex and your sexual practices.
Caring
53. As a partner, your goal is to please your spouse; remind

your lover that your next lovemaking session is all about
pleasuring them and making them happy.
54. Husbands: slow down! Try keeping all your clothes on

while you engage in foreplay with your wife for 30
minutes.
Commitment
55. Read The Act of Marriage, by Tim and Beverley LaHaye

to better understand the importance of sex to marriage.
56. Plan to educate yourselves more about sex. Why not

attend a seminar, take a course online, or read books
together?
Page 29
Core Values
57. Agree together on the importance of sex in your

relationship.
58. Discuss and come to agreement on “what’s OK” in your

sexual relationship, and what you must avoid.
59. Agree together that you will meet each other’s

intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and sexual needs, and will
not allow other people to meet those needs.
60. “Do your homework” to find out what the Bible really says
about sex, and come to agreement on the core values of
sexuality and obeying God’s Word.

Although the pursuit of intimacy never ends, it is a journey that
makes life worth living! Carrie and I want to be your cheerleaders
along the way, shouting our messages of encouragement! Read
through the articles at www.the-intimate-couple.com to discover
how you can deepen the closeness in your marriage and become a
truly "intimate couple"!
Page 30

Intimacy 101 A Primer

Uploaded by

Document Information

Original Description:

Original Title

Copyright

Available Formats

Share this document

Share or Embed Document

Sharing Options

Did you find this document useful?

Is this content inappropriate?

Copyright:

Available Formats

Intimacy 101 A Primer

Uploaded by

Copyright:

Available Formats

Intimacy 101: a Primer

by Jim and Carrie Gordon

The Assault on Intimacy .....................................

I. The Assault on Intimacy

Those who follow promiscuity as portrayed in the media, actually

Steve is a friend who has huge issues with intimacy; ask

Even apart from the inordinate media attention to sexuality,

Porn stars are models and actresses—and they certainly do not

When you mix easy and abundant internet access to lewd

Jason is a young man still in high school. He has a girl

Promiscuous sex is the cheap counterfeit of intimacy.

B. Sex Outside of Marriage: Playing with Fire!

The Bible alludes to lust (unbridled sexual desire) as a fire.

We all realize nuclear explosions can be harnessed to provide

Sex is designed for marriage. The truth is that marriage is the

Todd and Brenna were in love and hoped to be married

What happened after the marriage?

Very quickly, sex became a problem in their relationship.

Todd’s insistence on pursuing sexual gratification before

selfishness. Sex, an activity they shouldn’t have done

Whenever people begin talking about intimacy, most are usually

II. Four Kinds of Intimacy

On the other hand, when a marriage experiences intimacy spiritually,

It was just over 2 years ago when Carrie and I began to

Sex can be awesome in terms of pleasure, but also in terms of

Sexual intimacy, within the context of the 4 dimensions, becomes the

Sex was designed to strengthen intimacy in all dimensions. All forms

Consider a similar situation with the human body:

An Example: The Human Body Systems—

The digestive system, for example, is separate from the

Our blood, as a case in point, is intimately involved in both the

It’s really the same with intimacy. Intellectual intimacy is

The Intimacy Iceberg

Now, don’t think cold—think hot!

We like to use the analogy of the iceberg to convey the relationship

Below the surface of all fulfilling, sexual relationships are authentic

Why is there a much higher rate (more than 50% higher)

ii) Emotional Intimacy:

iii) Intellectual Intimacy:

other. This process begins intellectually and quickly becomes

The internet! They met online, and began a courtship in

iv) Spiritual Intimacy:

Our relationship with God is like the hub of a wheel. Everything

In our marriage vows, husband and wife make a vow to each

III. 10 Benefits of Intimacy

• You gain your “dream marriage”:

• Pure enjoyment: Life is just way more fun when you’re

• Support: Even though there are always struggles in life (family,

There was a time recently when life took a few

Here’s the kicker: after the initial shock wore off, we

• Stress relief: Physical touch and emotional connection are great

• Health: Every related physical and psychological study confirms

• Humility: Only God could have designed something as basic as

A woman we know expressed to her husband that sex is

Don’t you find that sex is a little bit humbling? To fully

• Influence: Every intimate couple has the potential of mentoring

• Modeling: The intimate couple models God’s design for our

fatigue, and stress:

An engaged couple had the opportunity to get involved in

Marriage has many stresses on it during the first year

Todd is always right; at least he thinks he is. On those

The sad part to the story is that his attitude of always