HDPS 340-0

Building Loving and Lasting Relationships: Marriage 101

Spring Quarter 2018

Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD

asolomon@family-institute.org
www.dralexandrasolomon.com
Facebook: Dr. Alexandra Solomon
Instagram: @dr.alexandra.solomon
Twitter: @AHSolomon
847-733-4300

Lecturers
Danielle Carlson, MSMFT
Arthur Nielsen, MD
Chaaze’ Roberts, LMFT
Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD
dcarlsonmft@gmail.com
a-nielsen@northwestern.edu
croberts@family-institute.org
asolomon@family-institute.org

Breakout Group Leaders

Shareen ElGazzar SElgazzar@family-institute.org
Margaret Hensley MHensley@family-institute.org
Rini Kaushal RKaushal@family-institute.org
Erin Kim
EKim@family-institute.org
Steven Losardo
Maggie Smith SLosardo@family-institute.org
Katelyn Easter MASmith@family-institute.org
Tiffany Tsou KSutton@family-institute.org
Latalia White TTsou@family-institute.org
LWhite@family-institute.org

Purpose
To familiarize students with the intricacies and problems of close, committed, interpersonal relationships,
especially marriage. This course will increase students’ formal knowledge about marriage and intimate
relationships, while also improving their chances for success in such relationships. After taking the course,
students should be better prepared to choose compatible partners, to face inevitable relationship challenges, and
to experience greater marital/relationship satisfaction.

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Class Times
Lectures: Tuesdays 2:00-3:20 (First day of class is Thursday April 5th and we will have a lecture)
Breakout groups: Thursdays 2:00-3:20 (First breakout session is Thursday April 12th)
The last lecture is Tuesday June 5th and the last breakout group meeting is Thursday June 7th.

Location
Lectures will be in Annenberg G15.
Breakout groups will be held in rooms:
Annenberg G08 Group 1 (Maggie)
Annenberg G21 Group 2 (Margaret and Erin)
Annenberg G22 Group 3 (Shereen and Latalia)
Annenberg G27 Group 4 (Steven and Tiffany)
Annenberg G28 Group 5 (Katelyn and Rini)

Format
This course combines traditional academic methods (lectures, class discussions, readings) with experiential and
self-discovery assignments coordinated with the subject matter. Each week’s experience consists of a lecture
and class discussion, assigned readings, and an elaboration of the week’s topic through experiential tasks and
discussion in small groups. Each week students will also respond to relevant Relational Self-Awareness
questions. Equivalent to “labs” in other courses, students do three outside class experiential assignments and a
number of interviews (a mentor couple interview and a “love template” interview). These assignments are
explained in more detail below. The development, rationale, components, and overall philosophy of the course
are described in: Nielsen, A., Pinsof, W., Rampage, C., Solomon, A., Goldstein, S. (2004) Marriage 101: An
integrated academic and experiential undergraduate marriage education course. Family Relations, 53: 485-494.

Office Hours
Professor Solomon will hold office hours from 12:30-2:00 on Thursdays in Annenberg G22 (beginning on
Thursday April 12th). Meetings with other teaching faculty or with your teaching assistants are by appointment.

Written Assignments
Four written assignments (Mentor Couple Interview Paper, Love Template Interview Paper, Outside Exercise
Writeup, and Relational Self-Awareness (RSA) Journal) are required and are explained later in this syllabus.

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Quizzes
There will be three multiple choice quizzes on the required readings and the lectures. Each quiz will consist of 5
multiple-choice questions for each week covered (15 questions total/quiz) and will be 15 minutes long. Quizzes
are administered at the beginning of Breakout Group sessions 3, 6, and 9. They will cover the readings and
lecture material as follows:
● April 19: Quiz #1 (Lectures and readings for classes 1, 2, & 3)
● May 10: Quiz #2 (Lectures and readings for classes 4, 5 & 6)
● May 31: Quiz #3 (Lectures and readings for classes 7, 8, 9)

Class Participation and Lateness

Class participation will be graded based on promptness and attendance at both lectures and breakout groups and
on the quality and level of involvement in class discussions. Students are responsible for checking in with their
breakout leaders at the beginning of each lecture to confirm their attendance. Additionally, students are to
inform their breakout group leaders and Professor Solomon via email in advance if they anticipate being late or
absent from lecture or breakout session. This includes student athletes who may need to miss class due to team
commitments. Note that unexcused tardiness and absences will impact your grade.

Grading
Final course grades will be calculated on the following basis:
Quizzes: 15%
Mentor Couple Interview Paper: 30%
Love Template Interview Paper: 30%
Relational Self-Awareness Journal: 10%
Outside Exercise Writeups: 5%
Class Participation: 10%

Emotional Demands
Some assignments in the course are emotionally-demanding. This is especially true of the Love Template
Interview Paper and some of the small group experiential exercises and discussions. Students who become upset
in response to assignments should discuss this with their breakout group leaders and/or with Professor Solomon.

Students with Disabilities

Any student requesting accommodations related to a disability or other condition is required to register with
AccessibleNU (accessiblenu@northwestern.edu; 847-467-5530) and provide professors with an accommodation
notification from AccessibleNU, preferably within the first two weeks of class. All information will remain
confidential.

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Readings
Books:
1. Fishbane, M. (2013). Loving with the Brain in Mind: Neurobiology and Couple Therapy. New York:
W.W. Norton & Company
2. Gottman, J. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the
Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. New York: Harmony.
3. Solomon, A. (2017). Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want.
Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.

Articles and videos are hyperlinked on Canvas home page.

Written Assignments
● Specific guidelines for these assignments are on Canvas. The Mentor Couple Interview Paper and the
Love Template Interview Paper (not the Relational Self-Awareness Journal) must be formatted in APA
style. APA style related resources can be found on Canvas as well.
● Since an important part of a college education is learning to express ideas clearly, and since we wish to
encourage efforts in this direction, part of your grade will depend on writing proficiency and adherence to
APA format. Students at all levels of writing skill may also want to make use of NU’s writing resources
at: http://nuwrite.northwestern.edu/
● Students in this course are required to comply with the policies found in the booklet, "Academic Integrity
at Northwestern University: A Basic Guide." All papers submitted for credit in this course must be
submitted electronically unless otherwise instructed by the professor. Your written work may be tested for
plagiarized content. For details regarding academic integrity at Northwestern or to download the guide,
visit: http://www.northwestern.edu/provost/policies/academic-integrity/index.html
● All papers (not Relational Self-Awareness journal) must be submitted through Turnitin on Canvas.
● Due dates for each assignment are listed and are spaced to help you pace your work and to allow us time
to give your papers careful reading. Extensions on these assignments must be discussed with Professor
Solomon and will be granted only for the most extraordinary circumstances outside the student’s control.
● Late papers will be penalized 5 points (5%) for each day they are late. Papers are due at 2:00PM. If
you submit later that date, 5 points will still be taken off. If the paper is turned in the following day
(at any point the following day), 5 more points will be taken off, etc.

1. MENTOR COUPLE INTERVIEW PAPER

● Due May 3rd at 2:00PM.
● Follow the directions on Canvas for conducting the interview and writing it up, including suggested
questions, tips to help you obtain the data you will need to complete your paper, and grading criteria.
● Both students must attend the interview together, but students submit their papers individually.
● Your paper should be 10-12 pages long (double-spaced, 12 point font, 1.0 inch margins, APA style).

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2. LOVE TEMPLATE INTERVIEW PAPER
● Due May 24th at 2:00PM.
● Recommendations for conducting the interviews and writing them up are provided on Canvas. Grading
criteria are provided as well.
● If you have questions or concerns about whom you should interview for this assignment, consult your
breakout group leaders. If before or after the assignment you are feeling anxious or upset, consult your
breakout group leaders or Professor Solomon.
● Your report should be 10-12 pages long (double-spaced, 12 point font, 1.0 inch margins, APA style).

3. OUTSIDE CLASS EXERCISES

● Due May 31st at 2:00PM.
● You will complete three Outside Class Exercises throughout the quarter. Descriptions of each can be
found on Canvas. Complete the Outside Exercises before the breakout sessions, as described below, and
turn in a 2-4 page writeup of your experiences with the Outside Exercises on Thursday May 31st.
● Complete Outside Exercise #1 (Interview a Friend) before Breakout #3 (4/19/18).
● Complete Outside Exercise #2 (Compatibility) before Breakout #5 (5/3/18).
● Complete Outside Exercise #3 (It’s a Date!) before Breakout #7 (5/17/18).

4.RELATIONAL SELF-AWARENESS JOURNAL

● Due June 7th at 2:00PM.
● As you read Loving Bravely, complete the “Steps Toward Loving Bravely” which follow each lesson. See
Canvas for more details.
● Your breakout group leader(s) will provide feedback that is intended to support your emotional growth.

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 Due Dates for Written Assignments and Quizzes

Demographic Information Form April 12th

Quiz #1 April 19th

Mentor Couple Interview Paper May 3rd

Quiz #2 May 10th

Love Template Interview Paper May 24th

Write Ups of Outside Exercises May 31st

Quiz #3 May 31st

Relational Self-Awareness Journal June 7th

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 Syllabus

Class #1: April 5 (NOTE: Our first lecture is on a Thursday due to the NU schedule)
Introduction to Marriage 101 and the 10,000 Foot View of Intimate Relationships
1. Fishbane, M., Introduction, Chapter 1, Chapter 2 (BOOK).
2. Gottman., Introduction and Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3 (BOOK).
3. Real, T. (2011). A matter of choice. Psychotherapy Networker, 35, 37-43, 56-57.
4. Gross-Loh, C. (2014). The first lesson of Marriage 101: There are no soul mates. The Atlantic, February
12.

Class #2: April 10

Good Love
1. Fishbane, M., Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5 (BOOK).
2. Solomon, A. Introduction and Part 1 (BOOK).
3. Real, T. (2002). The awful truth. Psychotherapy Networker, November/December.
4. Watch TED Talk, “The secret to desire in a long-term relationship” (Esther Perel).
5. Watch TED Talk, “The power of vulnerability” (Brene Brown).
6. Watch #OWNshow video, “The question all happy couples can answer” (Alexandra H. Solomon).
Due Thursday, April 12: Demographic Information Form

Class #3: April 17

Relational Self-Awareness
1. Fishbane, M., Chapter 6, Chapter 7, and Chapter 8 (BOOK).
2. Solomon, A. Part 2 (BOOK)
3. hooks, b (2002). Chapter 3, Honesty: Be true to love. All about love: New visions. New York: Harper .
New York: Harper Perennial.
4. hooks, b (2002). Chapter 10, Romance: Sweet love. All about love: New visions. New York: Harper . New
York: Harper Perennial.
Due Thursday, April 19: Quiz #1 in Breakout #3
Due Thursday, April 19: Outside Exercise #1 (“Interview a Friend”) will be discussed in Breakout #3

Class #4: April 24

From Here to ‘I Do’
1. Fishbane, M., Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Conclusion (BOOK).
2. Gottman, Chapters 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6 (BOOK)
3. Fisher, H. (2009). Why him? Why her? Psychotherapy Networker, May/June.
4. McCarthy, J. (2013). In India, more women are playing matchmaker for themselves. NPR.
5. Perel Blog, How to Deal with Online Dating Fatigue.
6. Solomon, A. (2016). Inside Hookup Culture: Are we having fun yet? Psychotherapy Networker, Jan/Feb.
7. Watch TED Talk, “Listening to shame” (Brene Brown).
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 8. Watch, “How to Address Uncertainty in Dating” (Esther Perel)

Class #5: May 1

Sex in Intimate Relationships
1. Gottman Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Afterword (BOOK).
2. Solomon, A., Part 3 (BOOK).
3. Jones, M (2018, February 7). What teenagers are learning from online porn.
4. Watch #OWNshow, "The toughest talk to have with your partner" (Alexandra H. Solomon).
5. Watch TED Talk, “The great porn experiment” (Gary Wilson).
6. Watch “Tea for Consent” video.
7. Watch TED Talk, “Unlocking the Door to Your Authentic Sexual Wellbeing” (Emily Nagoski).
Due Thursday, May 3: Outside Exercise #2 (Compatibility) is due and will be discussed in Breakout #5
Due Thursday, May 3: Mentor Couple Paper

Class #6: May 8

Conflict: The Art of Fighting Fair in Intimate Relationships
1. Gottman Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9 (BOOK).
2. Nielsen, A. C. (2016). A roadmap for couple therapy: Integrating systemic, psychodynamic, and
behavioral approaches. New York: Routledge.
 Steps in the Pathological Couple Dance, pp. 42-46
 What to Teach, pp. 187-205
 Practical Suggestions for Couple Negotiations and Problem Solving, pp. 225-230.
3. Watch TED Talk, “Five ways to listen better” (Julian Treasure).
4. Watch #OWNshow, "What healthy relationships don't have" (Alexandra H. Solomon).
5. Watch TED Talk, “The power of connection” (Hedy Schleifer)
Due Thursday, May 10: Quiz #2 in Breakout #6

Class #7: May 15

Partnering Across Cultural Difference
1. Bhugun, D. (2017). Parenting advice for intercultural couples: A systemic perspective. Journal of Family
Therapy, 39, 454-477.
2. Maynigo, T. (2017) Intercultural couples and families. In S. Kelly (Ed.) Diversity in couple and family
therapy: Ethnicities, sexualities, and socioeconomics (pp.309-336). Santa Barbara, CA: Praeger.
3. Chambers, A. (2009). Premarital counseling with middle-class African-Americans. In M. Rastogi & V.
Thomas (Eds.), Multicultural Couple Therapy (pp. 217-233). Los Angeles: Sage.
4. Qian, Z. (2005). Breaking the last taboo: Interracial marriage in America. Contexts, 4(4), 33-37.
5. Jacobs, M. (2014). About time. Vogue, July.
6. Watch interview with Dr. Sue Johnson, author of Love sense: The revolutionary science of romantic
relationships and creator of Emotion Focused Couple Therapy.
Due Thursday, May 17: Outside Exercise #3 (“It’s a Date!”) is due and will be discussed in Breakout #7
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Class #8: May 22
Gender and Sexuality in Intimate Relationships
1. Solomon, A., Part 4 (BOOK).
2. Diamond, L.M. (2014). “Sexuality and same-sex sexuality in relationships.” In Mikulincer, M., Shaver,
P.R., Simpson, J. A., Dovidio, J.F. (Eds.), APA handbook of personality and social psychology, Volume 3:
Interpersonal relations (pp. 523-553). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.
3. Solomon, A. (2018). An Open Letter to Aziz Ansari, medium.com.
4. Watch TED talk “A queer vision of love and marriage” (Tiq Milan and Kim Katrin Milan).
5. Watch TED Talk, “Why I’m done trying to be man enough” (Jason Baldoni)
Due Thursday, May 24: Love Template Interview Paper

Class #9: May 29

Unanticipated Challenges of Intimate Relationships: Addiction, Infidelity & Violence
1. Christensen, A. & Jacobson, N. (2014). Chap. 15: “Don’t Do That to Me!”: Violence, Verbal Abuse, and
Infidelity. In Reconcilable Differences, Second Edition: Rebuild your relationship by rediscovering the
partner you love—without losing yourself. (pp. 287-308).
2. Gordon, K.C., Khaddouma, A., Baucom, D.H., Snyder, D.K. (2015). Couple therapy and the treatment of
affairs. In A. S. Gurman, J. Lebow, Snyder, D.K. (Eds.), The Handbook of Couple Therapy (Fifth Edition,
pp.412-444). New York: The Guilford Press.
3. Oppenheimer, Mark (2011). Married, with infidelities. New York Times Sunday Magazine, 22-27,46.
4. Stosny, S. http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Advice-for-Victims-and-Abusers.
5. Watch TED talk, “Why domestic violence victims don’t leave” (Leslie Morgan Steiner).
6. Watch TED talk, “The power of addiction and the addiction of power” (Gabor Mate).
7. Watch TED talk, “Violence against women—It’s a men’s issues” (Jackson Katz).
Due Thursday, May 31: Quiz #3 in Breakout #9
Due Thursday, May 31: Write Ups of Outside Exercises

Class #10: June 5

Ordinary Challenges of Intimate Relationships: Housework, Weddings & Parenthood
1. Brown, B. Chapter 7, “Wholehearted parenting: Daring to be the adults we want our children to be,” p.
214-245.
2. Slaughter, A. (2012). Why women still can’t have it all. The Atlantic.
3. Watch TED talk, “Love no matter what” (Andrew Solomon).
4. Watch TED talk, “We should all be feminists” (Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie).
Due Thursday, June 7: Relational Self-Awareness Journal

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April 5 “Introduction to M101 & 10,000 Foot View”
Class #1
April 10 “Good Love”
Class #2
April 12 Demographic Information Form DUE
Breakout #1-2
April 17 “Relational Self-Awareness”
Class #3
April 19 Quiz #1
Breakout #3 Talk about Outside Exercise #1
April 24 “From Here to ‘I Do’”
Class #4
April 26
Breakout #4
May 1 “Sex in Intimate Relationships”
Class #5
May 3 Mentor Couple Paper DUE
Breakout #5 Talk about Outside Exercise #2
May 8 “Conflict: The Art of Fighting Fair”
Class #6 (Guest Lecturer: Prof. Nielsen)
May 10 Quiz #2
Breakout #6
May 15 “Partnering across Cultural Difference”
Class #7 (Guest Lecturer: Mr. Chaaze Roberts)
May 17 Talk about Outside Exercise #3
Breakout #7
May 22 “Gender and Sexuality in Intimate Relationships”
Class #8 (Guest Lecturer: Ms. Danielle Carlson)
May 24 Love Template Interview Paper DUE
Breakout #8
May 29 “Unanticipated Challenges of Intimate Relationships”
Class #9
May 31 Quiz #3
Breakout #9 Write Ups of Outside Exercises DUE
June 5 “Ordinary Challenges of Intimate Relationships”
Class #10
June 7 (Breakout Group #10) Relational Self-Awareness Journal DUE

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