Dylan Niemann

Ms. Wilson

English II Honors

21 October 2018

When I was eleven years old I received a message from a family friend that would end up

changing my outlook on life. This message is that they would be adopting a child from

Swaziland, a southern African, very underprivileged country. At this point, I had no idea what it
was like for this child and what it was like for him where he was living. I did not understand the
adoption process and why they were adopting this child. Later on, this would change my outlook
Commented [1]: Consider combining/condensing
these two sentences: "When I was eleven years old, I
received a message from a family friend that would end
up changing my outlook on life: they would be adopting
a child from Swaziland, a southern African country [I
had never heard of]." (I would get rid of the part that
says "a very underprivileged country")

on all I did. I was given the chance to speak to the child, see his living conditions, and eventually Commented [2]: You use this phrase "this child" a few
times in this paragraph, and it sounds a little awkward.
Consider replacing your other uses of it either with
meet the child. This child was given a new life here in America, and he soon realized huge "him" or his name.

changes that go unnoticed everyday by people like me. How might this affect me and my outlook

on life?

The first step of the life changing experience that I went through was the process of them
adopting the child. The family had already visited the child and brought back pictures from their
trip. It was very hot and dry there with not much water anywhere to be seen. I remember
Commented [3]: Show, don't tell. These two lines read
like you're trying to spell things out for your reader, but
a good story will tell itself without these types of hints.
Commented [4]: see above comment

everything from where he slept on the ground in a little shack type building, to his what we

would like to call kitchen, but there were a few logs for a fire with one pan. I also viewed a place

where they were in the process of building a well for water. In addition to seeing these pictures, I

was given to reach out to the child on a facetime call while our friends were still with the child.

The child was given an American name, Nathaniel, he was eight years old and had always

dreamed of being a scientist. Here he was given a chance to study all that he had dreamed of.
The differences for him arriving in the US had changed every aspect of his life positively. I could

not imagine living the life that this child once had. The advantages of where we live have many

benefits that this child did not have before.

The comparison to what we have and what this child once had was a mind blowing scene.

Anywhere from schools, to housing, to food, to entertainment, and many other categories

presented vast differences. This child was not given the opportunity to take part in any

extracurricular activities for his entertainment, he went to school, then worked right after school

up until late night. Sometimes the child was forced to miss school to help his parents be able to

provide for him and his siblings. Here, we can go to a grocery store, or restaurant and find

whatever we want. This child could only eat what was there for him, it was often times a struggle

for the family to provide food for him and his siblings. Another giant difference that is seen is

entertainment, here in the United States, there are many activities that are provided from school

that are for a child’s entertainment. Also there are movie theatres and other venues such as a park

that are designed for enjoyment. Finally, Nathaniel was not given the opportunity of a quality

education like we have provided for us here. The tools we have provided for us here allow us to

achieve anything that we desire. On the other hand, Nathaniel was only at school for a few hours

a day with kids that are way older and way younger than him. The child had nothing like this

where he lives, and there are no televisions, or electricity to my knowledge. Commented [5]: These two paragraphs give me a
great understanding of Nathaniel, but there is very little
about your attitude, feelings, thoughts, reactions
The simple little things that we take for granted every day such as electricity, running towards Nathaniel that make these descriptions
personal to your life-changing experience. I would like
water, food, and many other things are not as accessible for many people across the world. My to see you say more about yourself in these 2
paragraphs.

first real realization of this was when my family friends took part in this amazing adoption. This

experience, although I was not directly involved, allowed me to be thankful for all that I am Commented [6]: See previous comment about adding
more about yourself into this story.
given in my life. There will always be people that have it better off than I, but many more people
 have it much worse than I. This opportunity of being able to view the life changing experience

for this child made me realize I should not waste anything. Simple things like leaving the water

on, leaving the lights or TV on, or throwing away food is not acceptable now that I realize how

horribly these people have it. Anything from water to food, to an education, that some are not Commented [7]: Not sure what you mean by this. Try
to avoid using vague terms to refer to a country or
group of people. Do you mean people from Swaziland?
given the opportunity to have, are things that I am more serious about when dealing with.

In conclusion, this experience changed my perspective on life, and handle everything I do

with a different manor. The adoption of this child severely changed every aspect of his life

positively, and also changed my life. There are many differences in the life that I live and the life

that the people from the third world countries live. Viewing the differences of these people

allowed me to realize how grateful I am to have all that I have, and lead me to change the

wastefulness of all that is given to me. Commented [8]: I like the idea you introduce here -
that meeting Nathaniel changed your actions. I'd like
you know more about what these changes look like for
you --how did you become less wasteful? What other
actions did you start making after meeting him that
*show* your reader he impacted you?
Narrative Essay Rubric (Honors)

Name: Dylan Niemann

Score: 36/50
W.9-10.3. Write narratives to develop real or imagined experiences or events using effective technique, well-chosen details, and
well-structured event sequences.
Standard
3.a. Introduction -
Engage and orient the
reader by setting out a
problem, situation, or
observation, establishing
one or multiple point(s)
of view, and introducing
a narrator and/or
characters; create a
smooth progression of
experiences or events.
7.5
Exceptional (10-9) Proficient (8-7) Emerging (6-1) Not Evident (0)
❏ Effectively hook the ❏ Hook the reader with
reader with a creative, a compelling hook
original, and
compelling hook ❏ Effectively sets out a
problem, situation, or
❏ Effectively sets out a observation
problem, situation, or
observation in a ❏ Establish an insightful
compelling and/or point of view
creative manner
❏ Introduce a narrator,
❏ Establish an insightful, characters, setting,
original, or creative and main idea
point of view
❏ Introduce a complex
and/or creative
 narrator, characters,
setting, and main idea

3.b. Narrative - Use ❏ Utilize two or more ❏ Utilize narrative

narrative techniques,
such as dialogue, pacing,
description, reflection,
and multiple plot lines,
to develop experiences,
events, and/or
characters.
❏ Develop experiences,
6.5
(teacher discretion) techniques such as
narrative techniques dialogue, pacing,
with purpose: description,
dialogue, pacing, reflection, and
description, reflection, multiple plot lines
multiple plot lines,
etc… ❏ Develop experiences,
events, and/or
characters in attempt
events, and/or to convey theme
characters and to
clearly develop a
purposeful theme

3.c. Organization - Use a ❏ Use purposefully ❏ Use appropriately

variety of techniques to
sequence events so that
they build on one
another to create a
coherent whole.
6.5
❏ Create a smooth
narrative techniques techniques such as
such as foreshadowing,
foreshadowing, dramatic irony,
dramatic irony, suspense, and/or
suspense, and/or flashbacks
flashbacks in a highly
effective manner to ❏ Create a smooth
create an original plot progression of
structure experiences or
events that is logical
and engaging
progression of
experiences or events
that is logical, creative,
and sophisticated and
that uses highly
engaging devices

3.d. Language - Use ❏ Use precise, detailed ❏ Use precise and

precise words and and sophisticated detailed words,
phrases, telling details, words, phrases, and phrases, and sensory
and sensory language to sensory language to language to convey a
engage the reader and vivid picture
convey a vivid picture of
convey a vivid picture
the experiences, events,
setting, and/or
characters.

3.e. Conclusion - Provide ❏ Provide a conclusion ❏ Provide a conclusion

a conclusion that follows that reflects on what is
from and reflects on experienced,
what is experienced, observed, or resolves
observed, or resolved
❏ Extends the meaning
over the course of the and purpose to
narrative. connect to the
audience and convey a
that reflects on what
is experienced,
observed, or resolved
❏ Extends the meaning
to convey a theme
7.5 complex and original
theme