PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.

UK
Learn the secret to creating the life you really want UK EDITION

FEBRUARY 2019 ●
£4.50

YOU CAN YOGA

DO IT! heaven
Discover your
Take control perfect retreat
of your career
LONELY IN YOUR
LIFE SCHOOL
RELATIONSHIP?
● Let go of your ex Reconnect today
● How to deal with
rude people PROFILE

Nicole
● No more toxic
friendships
● Change your life
with veganism
Kidman
On complexity,
gratitude and love
of the sisterhood
16-PAGE

BRAVE NEW
DOSSIER

YOU in 2019
No more excuses! Build your courage in 5 easy steps
Be confident – don’t fear failure or disapproval
Be
to yourself

Find your own balance

with a little help from Truvia®
Calorie-free sweetener from the Extract of the stevia leaf

Life is sweet
 Contents
FEBRUARY 2019

* COVER STORY
Page
50
Page
110
REGULARS
Page 7 EDITOR’S LET TER
38
Page
24 8 LET TERS
Page Page
56 20 9 I’D LIKE TO THANK …
Page
54
11 THE FIX
Page
58
Page
17 HARRIET MINTER
94
36 DIARY

Cover: Josh Telles / August Image 102 THE WORDS

130 HAPPINESS BOOK CLUB

20 * PROFILE

Nicole
Kidman
“I follow my spirit…
I love jumping into
the deep end.
Why not?”
58 * THE DOSSIER
Be part of
our club! FEATURES
Our online coaching club 19 LET’S GET SOBER CURIOUS A brave new
you in 2019
is free to all subscribers Ruby Warrington asks what life
(see page 74). Access might be like as a soberista
interactive videos, podcasts
and downloadable
24 * GOODBYE FOREVER
Letting go of an old flame was a
workbooks, plus join a kind 60 WHERE COULD BRAVERY TAKE YOU?
tough lesson for Anna Behrmann
community of like-minded What is possible, if only you learned
people. Change your life 30 MY LIFE, MY WAY to flex your courage muscles? Fledgling
at psychologies.co.uk/life- Coach Gabriela Lerner found her warrior Anita Chaudhuri seeks answers
leap-club-new-subscribers purpose on a journey to good health
66 GATHER YOUR SISTERS IN ARMS
E
38 * ‘I’M LONELY IN LOVE’ Build a kind, inspirational support network
FFTRWE Relationship help from Sarah Niblock of like-minded people. Suzy Walker, our
PHOTOGRAPH: GRANDFAILURE/GETTY IMAGES

ORTH

£30
GI
40 ‘MEMORIES KEEP ME GROUNDED’
Kate Townshend lifts the lid on her
secret stash of treasured keepsakes
44 SHARED VALUES
The guiding principles and passions
of Olympian Dame Kelly Holmes
46 ‘I CAN’T STAND HER DRINKING’
Our agony aunt, Mary Fenwick,
assists three readers in distress
Editor-in-Chief, tells you how to be brave
68 ‘I REPLACED MISERY WITH HAPPINESS’
The day Christine Clayfield, author of
No Fourth River, decided to be strong
was the turning point in her life
70 WHAT ARE YOU REALLY AFRAID OF?
Is fear holding you back? Take our test to
find out what’s keeping you stuck in your
comfort zone, and what needs to change

F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 3
 Contents
FEBRUARY 2019

FEATURES
49 ORGASMIC LIFE: BARING ALL
Karla Newbey’s sexual journey continues
50 * GO AHEAD AND GRAB GREAT THINGS
Scared Amy Pierce fakes it till she makes it, and
discovers the heady power of self-confidence
54 * ‘I CAN’T SAY NO TO MY FRIENDS’
Award-winning coach Kim Morgan mentors a
woman whose friendships aren’t serving her well
56 * ‘HOW CAN YOU BE SO RUDE?’
Straight-talking Oliver Burkeman has the Last
Word on dealing with impolite people

THE RETREAT
10 4 EDGE OF THE WORLD
Chris Young continues his trek around the British
coastline – and he needs you to lend a hand
108 THE SK Y ’S THE LIMIT
In the darkness of northern Norway, Lizzie Enfield
finds light, and hope, under the dazzling aurora
110 * YOGA HEAVEN
#360ME
Caroline Sylger Jones, the Queen of Retreats, 78 THE PL AN
presents her favourite wellbeing breaks for 2019 Expert advice in four holistic sections – Mind,
Body, Spirit and Gut – for happiness, and pleasure
116 SNUG AS A BUG…
Home is where the heart is as we batten down the 85 THE OPEN MIND
hatches, hunker down and cosy up for winter Eminé Rushton recalls the road to burnout
with a cautionary tale of human frailty
122 SUPPER TIME IS THE BEST TIME
Gather round the dining table for a seasonal feast 87 FEEL BE AUTIFUL
with inspirational cook Clodagh McKenna Save our skin! #360me’s gorgeous array of
soothing saviours for winter-worn complexions
88 THE JOURNE Y
Sign up A soul-searching Ali Roff reflects on her year of

now!
letting go of ‘shoulds’ and finding peace of mind
90 WHOLISTIC WOMAN

Get your weekly fix! Bestselling author and nutritional therapist

PHOTOGRAPH: STUDIO FIRMA/STOCKSY

Henrietta Norton takes a deeper look at PMS

WHEN YOU’RE TRYING to create positive change, 94 * VEGANISM AND ME
it can be challenging to stay on track. So, sign up for our Ellen Tout’s plant-based diet changed her life
weekly uplifting dose of inspiration, with videos from
97 BAL ANCE PL AN
top coaches, practical articles on how to thrive, not just
The feminine power of ‘women’s herb’ shatavari
survive, and inspirational and joy-filled quotes to brighten
your inbox, and your week. Go to bit.ly/2KN0B8z 99 RE AL NUTRITION
Eve Kalinik hails the value of the humble spud

4 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
 Kelsey Media, Cudham Tithe Barn,
Berry’s Hill, Cudham, Kent TN16 3AG
(01959 541444, email letters@psychologies.co.uk) CONTRIBUTORS

OUR TEAM Meet three of the people who have taken part
Editor-in-Chief Suzy Walker in the creation of Psychologies
Design Director Lynne Lanning
Creative Director Laura Doherty
Features Director Elizabeth Heathcote
Wellbeing Director-at-Large Eminé Rushton
Fe Robinson
Associate Editors Danielle Woodward, Anita Chaudhuri Psychotherapist
Editor-at-Large Ali Roff and couples counsellor
Features Writer and Digital Editor Ellen Tout Fe is a psychotherapist, working with
Acting Picture Editor Leanne Bracey
individuals and couples. She helps clients
Production Editor Vee Sey
Deputy Production Editor Leona Gerrard thrive, despite the personal and life challenges
Contributing Editors Wellness Nicky Clinch, Elizabeth Bennett, they face. Incorporating NLP psychotherapy
Larah Davies Body Hollie Grant Spirit Annee de Mamiel Mind Suzy Reading and EMDR, Fe specialises in trauma and
and Will Williams Gut Eve Kalinik Yoga Kat Farrants Nature Paul Rushton
relational work. She is a regular contributor
Retreat Caroline Sylger Jones Health Hazel Wallace Digital Katherine Weir
to our LifeLabs online platform. This month,
ADVERTISING & PRODUCTION
Fe talks to Sarah Niblock, UKCP’s CEO, about
TigerBee Media, Commercial Director Nikki Peterson (020 3510 0849)
nikki.peterson@tigerbeemedia.co.uk loneliness in relationships. See page 38.
Production Manager Melanie Cooper (01733 363485)
kelseylifestyle@atgraphicsuk.com
Production Supervisor Dionne Fisher (01733 363485) Salma Shah
kelseylifestyle@atgraphicsuk.com
Coach
MANAGEMENT
Business coach and a psychology-led personal
Managing Director Phil Weeden
Chief Executive Steve Wright branding expert Salma says: ‘I love helping
Chairman Steve Annetts people see things from a new perspective.’ She
Finance Director Joyce Parker-Sarioglu enables clients to share their message on a bigger
Publishing Director Kevin McCormick platform by bringing their stories together,
Retail Distribution Manager Eleanor Brown
Audience Development Manager Andy Cotton
launching signature programmes and building
Brand Marketing Manager Rebecca Gibson their businesses. Watch Salma speak live on our
Events Manager Kat Chappell Facebook page every month, as she shares her
Publishing Operations Manager Charlotte Whittaker insights on personal development and success.
Print Production Manager Nicola Pollard
Catch up now and watch live at 1pm on 4 January.
Print Production Controller Georgina Harris
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Psychologist and health coach
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The Editor cannot guarantee a personal response to all letters and emails received. The views expressed Louvain 431D, 1830 Lasne. Tel: + 32 2 379 Psychologies Russia,
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6 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
 EDITOR’S LETTER

Your brave year

‘When I talk about being brave, I’m not referring to things
that terrify us, but smaller acts which make us take a chance
on ourselves,’ says Margie Warrell, founder of the Courage
Academy, in our Dossier on page 58.
We invite you to have your bravest year yet and, whether you’re
going to sort out your finances (page 28), let go of the ex (page 24)
or pitch for a great new job (page 50), this issue will hit the spot.
We’re inspired from the front by a host of incredible people
Suzy Walker
Editor-in-Chief, with Oscar
who don’t just talk about ‘making it’ but also about the bumps the office dog

along the way. ‘People look at the medals and think you’re a
superhero, but I fought hard to get there,’ says Dame Kelly
Holmes on page 44. Gabriela Lerner talks about giving up her high-
powered career to start a business in the countryside on page 30; and Psychologies reader
and author Christine Clayfield tells us how she replaced abuse with success on page 68.
We’re also proud to present our ‘Create the life you want’ journal (page 43), full of
wisdom for your own journey to happiness. Our Life Leap Club is going from strength
to strength; find out how to create your own community on page 66. It helps to have a
positive, uplifting tribe behind you when you’re being brave!
Here’s to a new year, full of opportunities to choose
differently and create the life you really want.

FR EE
£30!
T WORTH
GIF
Take the leap with us!
However you are planning to be brave this year,
you are not alone. Join the ‘Psychologies’ Life Leap
Club, free to all subscribers, and be part of a kind
community of inspiring readers, who are creating
life leaps of their own. Access coaching, podcasts,
community and more
at psychologies.co.
uk/life-leap-club-
new-subscribers

EVENTS? SIGN UP FOR OUR FREE NEWSLETTER – DELIVERED DIRECTLY TO YOUR INBOX! GO TO bit.ly/2KN0B8z

F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 7
Viewpoint
Send your letters to letters@psychologies.co.uk and tell us what you love about our
magazine. You could win a six-month subscription, plus access to our Life Leap Club!

Star
letter
MY NEW SELF
Recently retired, with a muddle of ideas about
my future direction, I bought my first ever issue
of Psychologies, hooked by the cover’s invitation
to ‘plan your fresh start’ (October 2018). I have
been inspired by your thought-provoking features
and love the emphasis on wellbeing throughout
the magazine. Your alarmingly accurate test in the
Dossier is already helping me to gain a fresh
perspective on my future and to rediscover
the self that I know is locked inside!
The journal I have begun as a result is proving a
wonderfully safe way of sifting and analysing my
thoughts and feelings. I can’t thank Psychologies
enough for getting me on the right path. Meryl

Share with us…

Share your photos and comments on Instagram @psychologiesmagazine,
or tweet us @PsychologiesMag both using #PsychologiesMagazine

@GeorginaLucy10:
@PsychologiesMag coming to
the rescue just when I needed it! The
Dossier has given me lots of opportunity
for reflection and it was so needed!
Thanks, Psychologies, as always.
@csmony: Carving out some
time for #selfcare at the end of a
busy day. Reading the latest edition
of my favourite @PsychologiesMag
with some camomile tea. #metime
@popsicles85: @HarrietMinter
I absolutely love this month’s piece in
@PsychologiesMag. It really is ‘in the
tiniest of details’, whether that’s self-love,
friendship or romance. Thank you for
your words – they made me smile!
@Hannah: LEFT
Self-care Saturday. Time to
crack open my new issue
of #psychologiesmagazine
and have some me time.
I’m saying ‘no’ to studying
tonight and choosing a
relaxing bubble bath instead.
@Marie:
RIGHT These moments
– Mummy is reading
#psychologiesmagazine,
so Baby B does, too. He
climbed up to sit right next
to me. My heart is melting!
@bylucieann: ABOVE
A lovely surprise this morning! I
wrote this letter of encouragement
to myself at the wonderful
Life Leap immersion day led
by @suzy_skywalker from
#psychologiesmagazine and
@nowliveevents. I completely
forgot about it! At the time I said
to my sister: ‘I wonder why they
post them instead of us just
taking them today?’ Now, I
completely get it. Thank you.

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8 PSYCHOLO GIES MAGA ZINE FEBRUARY 201 9


Letter of
gratitude
PRE-LOVED MAGAZINES
I have been reading Psychologies since issue one
and I think it is so refreshingly different. Every
magazine I open feels like it’s been personally
written for me and the issues I’m facing that
month. The trouble is, I’ve been trying to declutter!
Each recycling day, I try to throw out my back
copies, but I get lured in by the coverlines and end
up stacking them back up neatly again – they are
still so relevant. Thank you. Joy
PHOTO COMPETITION
I took this picture of my dog, happy and
dirty after fetching the ball. I am struggling
with anxiety and I am constantly trying to
find happiness. The joy my dog is showing
in this photo reminds me that he doesn’t
need much to find happiness. I realise
that, very often, simple things are the
ones that bring happiness and that we, too,
often miss the beauty of simplicity. Emma
The
winner
LAPSES, OR OFFER IT TO A FRIEND. EMAIL ELLEN.TOUT@PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK
FOR FULL TS&CS, SEE PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK. OPEN TO UK RESIDENTS ONLY.
CURRENT SUBSCRIBERS MAY CLAIM THE PRIZE ONCE THEIR SUBSCRIPTION
WOULD YOU LIKE to showcase your photographic
talent in ‘Psychologies’? What moment has made you
feel inspired, grateful or moved this month? Capture
it and tell us why. We’ll print the winner, plus you’ll
receive a six-month subscription, and access to our
Life Leap Club! Share your photo with us and explain
its inspiration on Instagram @psychologiesmagazine
with the hashtag #PsychologiesPhoto or email
to letters@psychologies.co.uk.
*
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feedback
I’d like to thank…
My former colleague, Dave
You and I both taught physics in a busy school
environment, where the constant stream
of pupils, work and emails often meant
that there was barely time to notice other
colleagues, let alone stop and talk to them.
In spite of this, you always spotted if
something wasn’t quite right and would
find the time to talk. Sometimes, hours into
the day, you would arrive at my classroom
door, just to ask if things were OK. Your
caring, practical approach and confident
reassurance that everything would be
resolved got me through many difficult times.
The incredible generosity and kindness
you showed me cannot be praised highly
enough. You took the time to notice and
acknowledge me, even when you had many
other pressing tasks to get done.
Thank you so much.
Ruadh
This month’s gratitude
letter, star letter and
chosen photo win a
six-month subscription
to Psychologies worth
£25.80, plus access to
our Life Leap Club!
Send your letters to
letters@psychologies.co.uk
FEBRUARY 201 9 PSYCHOLO GIES MAGA ZINE 9
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 The Fix
News I Reviews I Books I Film I Art I Ideas
EDITED BY ELLEN TOUT
ILLUSTRATION: FROM ‘MAKE CHANGE!’ (CHRONICLE BOOKS)

Is 2019 your year for change? The Make Change! book, featuring uplifting quotes and illustrations
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F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 11
The Fix

64%
Thought-provoking culture, creative ideas, insightful science and inspiring gifts

OUR KINDNESS PROJECT

OF LGBTQ+ PEOPLE SAY

THAT THEY HAVE HIDDEN
THEIR REAL SELVES
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CANINE CARDIO
Author David Hamilton is an advocate
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man’s best friend helps protect our heart
IN A STUDY OF PATIENTS
who’d had heart attacks,
the chances of them dying
within a year was 400
per cent* less if they
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While we might assume
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dog, research suggests
a significant effect comes
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the pooch. Researchers
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interact warmly with
a dog we’re close to for
30 minutes, our oxytocin
levels increase by 300
per cent (and by 130 per
cent** in the dog). Oxytocin
RUNNING SMOOTHLY
Do you need to focus? Try jogging before you
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is a ‘cardioprotective’ suggests a 15-minute run may be effective
hormone – it protects
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One of the ways it does a running session, students were given tests,
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Join ‘Psychologies’ kindness tsar David Hamilton live on Facebook

@Psychologiesmagazine for his free 30-day kindness challenge every month,
next on 3 January at 1pm. For access to more like this, join the ‘Psychologies’
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F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 13
The Fix
Thought-provoking culture, creative ideas, insightful science and inspiring gifts

SEE EYE TO EYE

Think you’re generous? A study*
suggests people apparently donate
more when they sense they are being
watched. Researchers placed a donation
box in a museum with a sign reading
Eye earrings,, £55,
etsy.com ‘donations appreciated’, but then added
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seeing these sparks prosocial and
cooperative behaviour. Aye aye!

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14 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
 LEAP INTO LAUGHTER

I DARE
YOU…
Emma Stroud
encourages us to
escape our comfort zone
and build confidence
ALL OF US have our comfort
zones and those things that
terrify us. For me, going to a nail
salon was so scary that I thought
I was going to have a panic
attack before I went in. Give
me an audience of 1,000
people anytime over that. But
I went, I took a friend, we giggled
and shared the experience. This
was on my list from last year.
So, write a list of 12 things that
scare you. Then, once a month,
put one of these things in your
diary and do it. Who knows, a
whole new world of nails might
appear. Next for me is a facial
– this clown wants to look good!

Film
of the
month Colette
Directed by Wash Westmoreland

ENGAGING, WITTY AND sparklingly creative ownership; to find her voice and
ITALIAANDER, CONTENT MANAGER AT AUDIBLE. *KELSEY C ET AL, EYES, MORE THAN
OTHER FACIAL FEATURES, ENHANCE REAL-WORLD DONATION BEHAVIOUR, HUMAN
FILM REVIEW: DANIELLE WOODWARD. AUDIOBOOK RECOMMENDATION BY ELISE

scandalous, with lovely costumes
and entertaining performances from
Keira Knightley as Colette and Dominic
West as her husband, this biopic of
NATURE. 2018; **CENSUSWIDE AND GET INTO TEACHING, 2018
live the life that is right for her. We see her
coping with her husband’s infidelities
and their open marriage, and eventually
falling in love with gender-nonconforming

France’s greatest female writer is Missy (Denise Gough). Their partnership

sensitive and intelligent. After marrying
a successful Parisian writer known
as Willy, Colette moves from her
childhood home in the countryside
to the glamorous world of artistic Paris.
Willy convinces Colette to ghostwrite
for him and, when her semi-
autobiographical novel about a girl
named Claudine becomes a bestseller,
is the catalyst for Colette to reclaim her
true creative self because, as it’s often
said in the film: it’s ‘the hand that holds
the pen that writes history’.
The film has an infectious spirit
that will make you smile and have you
cheering for the gutsy Colette when
she finally breaks free from social
constraints to become the legendary
Embroidery hoop art, £15,
notonthehighstreet.com
Join bananas ‘Psychologies’ clown-
in-residence, Emma Stroud, live on
Facebook @Psychologiesmagazine every
month, next on 28 January at 1pm. For
more like this, join the ‘Psychologies’ Life
Leap club, free when you subscribe. See
our Dossier about bravery on page 58

it kickstarts Colette’s struggle over female voice of 20th-century fiction. DW

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F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 15
 W e need your help to
prevent the tragedies
of miscarriage, premature
birth, stillbirth and female
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Professor Robert Winston

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Open to All Women Only

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 self
LESSONS IN ADULTHOOD

Pooh to Eeyore!
An increasingly pessimistic Harriet Minter is aghast to see her glass half
empty, so she confronts her gloomy self and chooses optimism instead

B
ecause I am a bit of a swot, I don’t like to fail was making me a pessimist. I know I can take things
a test. So you can imagine my horror when a personally – writers are not known for their thick
friend and I took an online personality test skins – but, when I took the test, I was a writer who
to determine levels of optimism – and I’m more was exhausted, drowning in work and feeling like
of a pessimist than Eeyore! Certain I would come back I was letting everyone down.
strongly optimistic (I’ve given a TED Talk on the joy of So, how to change? I started small – when I was
failure, for heaven’s sake), I was shocked by the result. feeling unhappy in a situation, I’d ask myself, ‘How
I’d also assumed that, as an optimist, I saw the best would an optimist see this?’ I looked for the gift or the
in people, was kinder than pessimists and happier, too. opportunity in the moment. I repeated, ‘This too shall
There’s no reason to suggest any of this is true but pass,’ under my breath, which had the added bonus of
so deeply did I believe it, I felt ashamed of my ‘flaw’. people avoiding me on the train and I always got a seat.
I tried to justify the result to my (optimistic) friend: Finally, I asked myself, what would be the best possible
it was a bad week; the weather was grim; I wasn’t a outcome? And I chose to believe in that. I chose to
pessimist, I was a realist. My poor little pessimistic believe in hope, because that’s what optimists do.
self bumbled on until my friend put me out of my For weekly wisdom from Harriet, sign up for her newsletter at tinyletter.com/
harrietminter. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram @harrietminter
misery; the test doesn’t determine who you are for
all time, just how you are feeling at that moment.
Pessimism and optimism aren’t embedded, they’re
just a state of being and we can move between the two.
Apparently, there are three things to think about
here. First, how personally do you take things? If
a friend is in a bad mood, do you assume it is to do
with you, or that they’re just a bit grumpy that day?
Optimists favour the latter – they know they’re not
individually responsible for everything that happens
in the world. Second, how pervasive is a feeling for
you? If something goes wrong, do you see it as a single
incident, or a sign that more bad luck will follow?
Eeyores see a missed morning alarm as a portent for
the entire day. Finally, how permanent do you think
a situation is? Optimists are believers in the motto,
PHOTOGRAPH: MARK HARRISON. HAIR AND MAKE-UP:

‘This too shall pass,’ but, if we’re feeling pessimistic,

CAROLINE PIASECKI. STYLIST: KATE ANYA BARBOUR

we believe a bad situation will stay that way forever.

I started to see how my current view of the world

F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 17
in partnership with Link Nutrition

New year,
new you
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Exercise in ways that feel good

that lead to them. So, why not try
implementing the following changes
to your life, one small step at a time?
Make small adjustments
to your diet
The best change you can make to your
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the highest quality herbs,
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18 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E FOECBTROUBAERRY22001 189

 emotional intelligence

HOW TO BE …

Sober curious
As Dry January takes hold, author Ruby Warrington asks you
to consider how different your life would be if you stopped
drinking on autopilot, or stopped drinking altogether?

W
hy is alcohol everywhere?
Why are the only people who
don’t drink those who choose
not to because of religious or health
reasons? ‘I call this questioning getting
sober curious,’ says Ruby Warrington,
co-founder of Club SÖDA NYC, a
community for people to discuss sobriety.

1 Be curious about why you drink.

Ask: Is my life so bereft of joy that
the hangover is worth the high? How will
drinking really make me feel? What am
I drinking not to feel? What else makes
me feel alive? How can I have fun without
booze? How can I relax without it? How
can I connect with others while sober?

2 Get emotionally conscious.

Awareness helps us make choices
that support our highest self. ‘Listening
to your feelings helps you discover what’s
wrong; what you need; what you can do
about it. Feelings don’t like being ignored,
especially if they have information about
our wellbeing. Drinking numbs unmet
emotional needs. The only way to hear
what our feelings are trying to tell us is to
sit with them when we’re sober,’ she says.

3 Consider moderation: ‘This

is relevant if you still believe your
WORDS: SUZY WALKER. PHOTOGRAPH: STOCKSY

happiness is linked to alcohol: it’s how

you relax; connect; find joy. Being ‘sober
curious’ is learning to trust the truth for you
over the messages about booze. What do
you need alcohol for, even in moderation?’
‘Sober Curious’ by Ruby Warrington (HarperCollins, £20)
is out on 2 January; clubsoda.nyc

F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 19
profile

Nicole Kidman
“I believe in sisterhood.
We are sisters in the
world and we have to
support each other”
The new year is looking good for Nicole Kidman. In yet another
career renaissance, an Oscar buzz is building about her new film,
Destroyer. She shares her love of complex roles, feminism and fun
WORDS IAN FAULCONBRIDGE PHOTOGRAPH JOSH TELLES/AUGUST IMAGE

T
here’s something about Nicole
Kidman’s feverish stare in Destroyer
that draws a striking parallel with
her A c a demy Aw a r d-w i n n i n g
performance in 2002’s The Hours. Perhaps
that’s why the Oscar excitement around her
latest performance is gaining momentum – this
project unleashes the full force of Kidman as a
truly gifted character actress.
If the past couple of years are anything to go
by, Kidman’s willingness to do away with the
crystalline veneer of Hollywood in order to
immerse herself in bold, soul-baring, and
occasionally brutal, roles is apparent. From Big
Little Lies to The Killing Of A Sacred Deer, The
Beguiled and now Destroyer, the Kidman of
recent times is relishing every opportunity to
explore the most enthralling and dark recesses
of human existence. ‘I love complexity,’ she
agrees. ‘I love that we can see the shattered side
of people; I love that life isn’t explained in a
sentence or a soundbite; that we have to digest
things and people don’t always behave well.’
In accordance with her identities of showbiz
A-lister and serious actress, Kidman is happy to
trust her instincts when it comes to choosing
projects to pursue. ‘I think maybe I played it a
little safe in the past, and went for the work
I thought I was meant to do, which spoke to the
idea of what and who an actress is supposed to
be,’ she says. ‘But, for the most part, I’ve
followed my spirit, which motivates me to go
against the grain. I’m completely spontaneous
and random in my decisions. Never let it >>>

20 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
profile

be said that I don’t have diverse taste. I love jumping into

the deep end. Why not? That’s my favourite saying, I think “Why not? That’s
it has such potential and choice: why not?’
For much of her career, Kidman has survived in a my favourite
saying, it has such
landscape that has sidelined women’s artistic ambitions.
But that landscape is undergoing a cultural sea change. In

potential and
this context, Kidman’s recent roles symbolise the
culmination of a life’s work now given the credit, audience

choice: why not?”

and – perhaps most importantly – direction it deserves.
From Lars von Trier to Baz Luhrmann, Stanley Kubrick
to Werner Herzog, Kidman’s filmography boasts
collaborations with a pantheon of famed directors and
writers, not to mention a gamut of leading men. That said,
Kidman is now enjoying the freedom to act in an industry
less indebted to the male director, under The Beguiled’s her co-star Reese Witherspoon. As its dual leads and
Sofia Coppola and Destroyer’s Karyn Kusama. co-producers, the pair epitomise the work that industry
stalwarts are doing to pave the way for their successors.
‘Women cannot be complacent’ ‘There are five great roles in it for women,’ Kidman says
‘We need the gaze and vision of these amazing female film- of the HBO drama. ‘That’s very rare. I like working with
makers to keep change going,’ says Kidman. ‘Look at the women – for years, I’ve worked to support women in all
statistics of women in film; there’s still a gross imbalance. fields. I believe in sisterhood. I learned so much from having
It’s there – there’s no getting away from it. I’m always going a feminist mother who fought for our rights in the 1960s
to support female directors, I’m not going to go a year, or and has always been involved in social work. We are sisters
at least two years, without working with a female director in the world and we have to support each other,’ she says.
or film-maker. It’s intentional; I want to support women ‘To work with such strong women is a sacred gift. To be
in the industry. We have to support each other. We are at a sur rounded by these rema rkable young women
significant moment now and we have at the beginning of their careers and
to capitalise on it. lives, and seeing the energy they bring
‘Sofia winning [the best director ‘DESTROYER’ to the set, gives me life [sic].’
award for The Beguiled] at Cannes Sisterhood; family; motherhood:
last year… the huge success of Wonder Karyn Kusama’s Destroyer sees these ideals are integral to Kidman’s
Woman, which I loved, for [director] Nicole Kidman take on the role make-up. The daughter of clinical
Patty Jenkins – we need to capitalise of experienced Los Angeles Police psycholog ist father A ntony a nd
on these and keep pushing. We can’t Department officer Erin Bell, who nursing instructor mother Janelle,
spent much of her early career
rest on our laurels; we can’t ever get both her parents were committed
undercover with a gang of bank
complacent because it will revert back to social change, from her mother’s
robbers in California. Faced with
to what it was. So I’m going to keep p a r t ic ip at ion i n t he Women ’s
the reappearance of the gang’s
talking about it, keep on pushing, Electoral Lobby in Australia, to their
bloodthirsty leader, Bell is forced
keep promoting women and keep combined advocation against the
to confront parts of her past she
creating opportunities for women.’ Vietnam War. For Kidman, family
considers best left undisturbed.
Behind the camera, Kidman also Kidman appears alongside Toby
a nd ph i l a nt h r op y go h a nd i n
has a crucial role to play in this Kebbell, Sebastian Stan, Tatiana hand, and she’s used her platform to
mission. Where Big Little Lies won Maslany and Bradley Whitford campaign against domestic violence
legions of fans for its gripping – but perhaps the most crucial especially, an issue she cares deeply
portrayal of real women – ‘I really on-screen partnership comes in about, which influenced her work with
related to all the women in the book, the form of her work with silver- Alexander Skarsgård in Big Little Lies:
and I’ve met many women who feel screen newcomer Jade Pettyjohn ‘We wanted it to be complicated,’ she
the same way’ – its journey from page who, as Erin’s daughter, Shelby, says of their on-screen relationship.
to screen would have been impossible witnesses her mother’s regression ‘We didn’t want it to be black and white
had it not been for Kidman and into her haunted former self. because so many of these relationships

22 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
 Nicole Kidman and Colin Farrell in the mystery
thriller The Killing Of A Sacred Deer
In American Civil War drama, The Beguiled. Right,
attending the Destroyer premiere in Toronto last year
are complicated. That’s why they’re so hard to heal; that’s
why they’re so hard to diagnose – and why it’s so hard for
the people in them to see a way out.’
Love, peace and opportunity
Kidman is no stranger to complex relationships and her
first marriage to Tom Cruise was placed under intense
media spotlight for its 11 years. Her 12-year marriage to
country singer Keith Urban is less of a tabloid topic – and,
just as Kidman appears more comfortable in her career,
she also seems content with her low-key personal life. ‘I feel
WORDS: VIVA PRESS. PHOTOGRAPHS: REX FEATURES;
loved and feel absolutely that I’ll give back in exactly the
LANDMARK MEDIA; CAPITAL PICTURES; ALLSTAR
same way – because, for me, our relationship making it is
more important than anything,’ she says.
There’s a palpable feeling that most roads lead to inner
fulfilment for Kidman. But it would be remiss to mark this
down solely to her happy marriage and game-changing
dramas – her upcoming role in heart-warming The Upside,
alongside Bryan Cranston and Kevin Hart, underlines that
she ‘loves to laugh’. Even though it’s been 15 years since she
became the first Australian woman to win an Oscar for
At her character-actress best as haunted Los Angeles
police officer Erin Bell in the upcoming Destroyer
Kidman with co-stars Shailene Woodley and Reese
Witherspoon in the award-winning series Big Little Lies
best actress, this Kidman incarnation carries a sense of
breaking new ground. ‘I’ve been doing this since I was 14;
“more than 35 years’ working” is quite a number to say out
loud!’ she laughs. ‘It’s gratifying and comforting because
I have a deep well of emotion that only comes with life
experience, and I can call on that; call on those memories
that I didn’t have when I was in my 20s. I am a character
actor, which was my goal. I wasn’t educated at drama school
with the aim of being a movie star! There’s a bizarre lottery
– of emotions and, consequently, far more roles, types of
roles, demographics and situations – available to me now,
compared to when I was younger. Amazing!’
A trailblazing career, a loving husband and children
Isabella, 25, Connor, 23, Sunday Rose, 10, and Faith, 7…
Surely Kidman has it all? ‘I’m not sure what having it all is,’
she says. ‘Have I found some peace inside me? Yes. Am I
grateful for the love in my life and the people that I am
sharing my life with? Absolutely. But I have been in the other
place as well – that’s what life is all about.’
‘The Upside’ and ‘Destroyer’ will be released in UK cinemas on 11 and 25
January respectively. Season 2 of ‘Big Little Lies’ is scheduled to air on
Sky Atlantic later this year
F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 23
relationships
Farewell,
sweetheart Many of us have an ex whose memory lingers
over the years – the one who got away.
Anna Behrmann was sick of the past interfering
with the present, and set out to, finally, get over him
O ne day, on my way to
school as a teenager,
I saw a poster for a
novel with the tagline,
‘You never forget your first love.’
Having zero idea what it was like
to fall in love, I wondered if this was
true. Would I truly never forget my
first love, despite the passing of time
and subsequent love affairs?
Fast forward 14 years and, at the
age of 28, it’s now painfully obvious.
In the days leading up to my day-long
session with breakup and relationship
coach Sara Davison, I again started
dreaming about Will,* my ex-
boyfriend from university. It seemed
like my unconscious was starkly
aware of the coaching date in my
diary, and was preparing me for it.
I was nervous about stirring up old
memories, especially because I had
just started seeing someone new, but
this was another reason to seek help.
I wanted to leave behind my first love
– along with the irrational thought
that has intruded on all my following
24 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
relationships: that Will and I are
meant to be together.
Davison asked me to tell her the
story. I met Will, my first proper
boyfriend, at a house party while I
was university. He was tall, with blue
eyes and, at first, I thought he was
“elseI dated someone
briefly… I was
caught between the
feeling of wanting to
be with Will forever
and a desire for
“ phone and broke up for some time.
boundless freedom
slightly too serious, as he was caught
up in a prolonged political discussion
at the party. But I found out quickly
that he was incredibly funny, and
could make me laugh for hours.
He acted in a lot of university plays
and was well liked so, even though
I knew he was shy, it would take half
an hour to walk a short distance with
him on campus because everyone
would stop to say hello to him.
In many ways, we grew up together.
I found living in university halls
isolating, especially as I had nothing
in common with the engineers in
my block, and Will provided a lot of
emotional support for me. As part
of my course, I spent six months
studying in Paris. We didn’t manage
a long-distance relationship well,
had countless arguments over the
I dated someone else briefly, because
part of me wanted to explore
different experiences. I was caught
between the feeling of wanting to
PICTURE. *NAME HAS BEEN CHANGED
PHOTOGRAPHS: MARK OWEN/PLAIN
be with Will forever and a desire
for boundless freedom.
When I returned, we got back
together, but there wasn’t the same
level of trust between us. It felt as
if, since our relationship had broken
down once, it could break again. >>>

We still had fun together, but
>>>
everything had a more serious
overtone. Will had warned me that if
we had another bad argument, it would
be the end. We broke up for the last
time when I graduated a couple of
years before him. I was doing a
postgraduate law qualification in
London that wasn’t right for me, and
I was unhappy. There was a disconnect
between our experiences. We had a
row over the phone, and Will ended it
there and then. Despite his warning,
it was still a great shock to me.
Rosy rear view
In our session, I told Davison that
I had never really come to terms with
my breakup with Will; even now,
years after we had gone our separate
ways. I still believed that ours was
a grand romance and we would end
up together. I missed everything
about him but, most of all, I missed
how much he had made me laugh. I
thought that no one would ever make
me laugh like that again. I felt as if
I had made a series of bad decisions,
and that Will represented all the
joy and creativity I had left behind.
A year after we split up, I penned a
handwritten letter to Will about how
we were destined to be together, with
some terrible metaphors relating to
innocence and experience which,
thankfully, I never sent. I remember
ringing him from the roadside on
holiday in Barcelona, insisting we
would eventually get back together.
He simply said that it wasn’t going to
happen but, even then, I didn’t believe
him. I had two more boyfriends over
the following few years, but I couldn’t
take them seriously.
I had never told anyone the entire
story before – especially the never-
ending ending – and it was cathartic.
It still felt so raw and, as I spoke, my
voice started to shake and I was close
to tears. Davison reassured me that
a breakup can be one of the most
26 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
“feelings
I realised that my
about our
breakup were guilt
and a sense of failure
– and anxiety, that if
I could ‘mess up’ “
something so perfect
once, I’d do it again
traumatic experiences in life. As
with grief, you need to acknowledge
the feelings that surface – denial,
anger, betrayal and sadness – to help
you recover from it.
Talking it through with her,
I realised that my overwhelming
feelings about our breakup were guilt
and a sense of failure – and anxiety,
which I’ve carried for years, that if I
could ‘mess up’ something so perfect
once, I would do it again. I realised
that I had never fully acknowledged
these feelings, nor given myself the
opportunity to grieve the loss of my
first serious relationship.
Davison asked me to write the
words ‘guilt’ and ‘failure’ on a piece
of card, along with all the other words
that I associated with the breakup. – he hadn’t been at all supportive
She explained that it’s important to of me after I left university, and we
bring whatever feelings you have in stopped understanding one another.
your unconscious into your conscious It also hadn’t been the right time for
– where you can properly deal with me to be in a long-term relationship,
them. After I’d written them down, while I had the overriding urge to
Davison encouraged me to walk explore other possibilities, travel and
across to a shredder and feed in the enjoy my freedom.
piece of paper. This simple act of
destruction – while acknowledging ‘I’m not always to blame’
that I still harboured those emotions I might not have been able to take
– was therapeutic. my next two relationships seriously,
Just discussing my relationship but that was not because of some
with Davison, and writing down all character flaw in me; it was because
my feelings around it, helped me see they weren’t a good fit for me either.
that I hadn’t made some kind of grave Davison encouraged me to realise
mistake. In fact, Will wasn’t perfect that I needed to be happy and secure
 relationships

How to heal and move on

Breakup and relationship coach Sara
Davison’s tips for dealing with a lost love
l Acknowledge that it
is natural to grieve the
end of a relationship that
meant a lot to you. Be
kind to yourself during
this distressing time.
l Take off the rose-tinted
glasses and write a list of
all the things you didn’t
like about your former
partner. Be realistic and
don’t romanticise your
relationship, nor your ex.
It was not perfect!
l Interrupt your negative,
self-limiting thoughts with
five star jumps!
l Experiment with
shrinking images of your
ex in your mind; make
them black and white and
picture them zooming off
into the far-off distance.
l Stop ‘social media self-
harming’ – don’t stalk
your ex and follow what
they are doing, it will only
prolong the pain.
l Write a ‘Breakup bucket
list’ – everything you can
do now that you could
not have done with your
ex, for example, travelling
to a place they didn’t
want to visit or becoming
absorbed in a new hobby,
something just for you.
l Focus on what you have
learned and how you
can use these lessons
positively in your future
romantic partnerships.

in myself, rather than looking for
something to complete me in a
partner. I should have been a lot
kinder to myself after my
relationship with Will ended. I had
told myself that everything was my
fault, in terms of the relationship
ending, and my decision to study law.
I should have realised that the two
things were separate. I became much
happier once I started writing again
and allowed myself to be creative, and
that had nothing to do with whether I
was dating someone or not.
I was also eager to talk to Davison
about my new romance. Following
my relationship with Will, I’d been
convinced that I’m ‘flighty’ and
would find it difficult to settle down.
Davison told me this is a life-limiting
belief – something negative that I
think is true about myself. We need
to interrupt negative thoughts and
challenge them, she says, or they can
hold us back. With Davison’s help, I
made the argument that, since I’ve
got a group of friends dating back to
the age of 11, for whom I will always
be there, I am a loyal person!
Acknowledging this helped me see
that I will be the same in a romantic
relationship, if I find the right person.
I came away from our session
feeling relieved and more relaxed
about my first love, and the years that
followed our breakup. I will never
forget Will, and that’s OK – we shared
something precious and I don’t
want to blank out a large part of my
university experience. But I now feel
clear that our breakup is in the
distant past and I can move on from
him, leaving behind all my regrets
and false beliefs. I’m hopeful and
excited about my new relationship,
too, and, far more importantly, I’m
happy in myself.
Sara Davison offers breakup and divorce
coaching to give you emotional and practical
support when your relationship ends. She provides
one-to-one coaching sessions and hosts longer
breakup retreats. For more information, visit
saradavison.com

F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 27
 Coach yourself to
financial security
Are you considering hiring a qualified coach but don’t know who to choose? We are
excited to present the Psychologies-approved ‘Find a coach’ directory, in partnership with
Barefoot Coaching. Here, respected coach Jane Rapin helps a reader sort out their finances
The ‘Psychologies’-
endorsed ‘Find
a coach’ directory,
with Barefoot
Coaching, provides readers with
a choice of top coaches, all
with postgraduate training and
accredited by the University of
Chester and the International
Coach Federation. Find a coach
who suits you, to help you navigate
and transform your life – in the
areas of money, work, relationships,
parenting and leadership.
Editor-in-Chief
BAREFOOT COACHING
Psychologies’ partnership
with Barefoot Coaching
gives you the tools to find a coach
who meets your needs. Barefoot
Coaching has been at the
forefront of coaching and coach
training for 25 years. It has a
proven track record as a provider
of high-level coaching and coach
28 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
ASK THE EXPERT…
Jane Rapin helps female business owners create a
successful and profitable life with practical mindset
techniques and sustainable strategies that get results
Q I never have enough money,
no matter what I earn. I feel
like there’s something else going on,
and I want to change the way I handle
my finances, but I don’t know how.
A Follow these steps to a better
relationship with all things financial.
● Do a money audit. Look at your
money daily and be less emotional
about it. Track income and spending.
This is one of the easiest ways to
regain control. It’s not about seeing
where you ‘waste’ money so you can
beat yourself up about it, it’s about
getting comfortable seeing money
come in and flow out. Seeing the flow
of money opens up your subconscious
training to organisations and Postgraduate Certificate
senior executives, nationally in Business and Personal
and internationally. Coaching is one of the most
well-established coach training
Train as a coach with courses in the UK. Barefoot runs
Barefoot Coaching
The Barefoot Coaching
regular, free introductions to
coach training throughout the
International Coach year. Visit barefootcoaching.
Federation- accredited co.uk/taster-morning to book.
and begins to create new beliefs that
allow you to receive more money and,
in turn, do more with it.
● Save a small amount regularly.
Even if you can only save £1 a week.
● Do an emotional money audit.
Look at four ‘types’ of money: saving,
debt, income and income goal. Each
of these has programmed beliefs and
self-talk connected to memories,
losses or events. The audit will unlock
clues. For example, write down
‘Savings’, then the amount you have
saved. If it’s £0, write that. Look at the
number, and notice your feelings.
● Make notes about what arises for
you. Repeat for all ‘types’ of money. You
will uncover beliefs that are sabotaging
you, and make connections to events
and memories that are holding you
back from earning more and building
your savings. getyourperfect.com
Listen to
the podcast:
Our monthly podcast
with Kim Morgan and Suzy Walker discussing
coaching dilemmas is on the ‘Psychologies’
Podcast Channel on iTunes and SoundCloud
 in partnership with Barefoot Coaching

Rate how satisfied you

feel with your finances,
then create a plan HOME
10 FAMILY
to up it by 3 points
this month

MONEY
5
WORK

10 5 1 5 10

ADVENTURE FRIENDS
5

RELATIONSHIPS WELLBEING
10

The wheel of life

Cut out this page and put it somewhere visible. Use the wheel of life, a classic coaching tool,
to improve your relationship with money. The wheel allows you to focus on improving one segment
CUT OUT AND KEEP

of life at a time, while giving you an overall picture of all the parts that comprise a happy life

This month, we’re looking at
your relationship with money.
l Focus on how you honestly feel about
your finances, then give it a score – with
1 being awful and 10 being brilliant.
l Brainstorm with a friend or invest in
✂
l Break it down into baby steps. What
would improve your finances by 1 point?
Track your finances weekly to see
where you can save more money and
spend less – then create a regular
no-spend 24 hours, for example.
you can renegotiate your mortgage,
check that you’re getting the best deal
for your credit card payments and shop
around for car insurance.
l Every month, we’ll address a segment
of the wheel – but feel free to work on

a coach to figure out ways that you can l What would improve your finances all parts at once. Refer to it frequently
improve the score by 3 over four weeks. by another point? And another? Maybe to track your progress. Good luck!

F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 29
my life, my way

“I love showing people

that whatever life
situation you’re in, you
can shift your focus ”
Inspired by her own health journey, Gabriela Lerner shares
her wholistic lifestyle through coaching, talks and retreats
WORDS ELLEN TOUT
PHOTOGR APHS LEANNE BR ACEY

30 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
my life, my way

“I wanted to
share my journey.
I knew I needed
a new career and
it was exciting!
I was an accomplished
cook and I wanted
to be able to create
amazing raw
food, too”

ABOVE AND LEFT

Gabriela sources
produce locally, as well
as growing lots in her
garden, which also
houses their eco pod

RIGHT The dining room

and studio overlook the
gardens at each end
of the house

32 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
 “I try to wake and live by the rhythm of
daylight… I thrive on this and know that
if I don’t have it, I don’t feel the same”

N estled in woodland, at the end of a secluded lane,

Gabriela Lerner’s home embodies the values of her
work – from the beds of vegetables growing outside,
to the kombucha fermenting in the kitchen, the vision board
above her desk and yoga mats in the corner. She shares her
home, near Shaftesbury, from where she coaches and runs
retreats, with her husband, photographer Neil Baird, their
pug, William, and cat, Misty.
Gabriela begins the day with yoga, and often a trip to the
farmers’ market. ‘I try to wake and live by the rhythm of
daylight,’ she says. ‘I start with a cup of lemon juice and ginger
while I meditate. I then practise yoga and enjoy a green juice.
I thrive on this and know that if I don’t have it, I don’t feel the
same. I may then write my blog, answer emails or do my work.’
Gabriela’s passion for her business was born out of her
experience of fibromyalgia and stress. She worked previously
as a consultant and in pet product distribution. ‘My life was
stressful, pressured and, frankly, no fun,’ she says. ‘I suffered
with fibromyalgia and had been for 18 years. I could manage
it but had little energy and was in pain all the time.’ When she
was diagnosed, she describes it as a ‘relief’. ‘I knew then what
was wrong with me, but it was also a curse because I started to
identify with it, and everything I did was filtered through the
lens of, “I can’t do this or that.” My life was organised around,
“Will I be able to cope with this?”’
Crunch time
Her world was changed forever when Neil was diagnosed with
prostate cancer in 2011 and began researching healing diets and
lifestyle changes. ‘I was initially resistant. Change was scary,’
Gabriela says. ‘Once I understood what Neil wanted to do, I
gave 100 per cent of myself to it. I became his ally and support.
I shifted my mindset from feeling like a victim of fibromyalgia
to focusing on Neil.’ Together, the couple experimented >>>

F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 33
 my life, my way
“I noticed clients didn’t just
want recipes, they wanted to
share the lifestyle… that
sends them away inspired”
>>> with a raw, plant-based diet. ‘I looked in the fridge and thought,
“What am I going to eat?”’ remembers Gabriela. ‘I think our
children and friends thought, “Oh, here they go again!”’
A decision to live well
After further reading, Gabriela realised she wanted to commit
fully to their new lifestyle. ‘That day, I decided to go raw and
stop putting toxins into my body. I wanted to know if it would
really help,’ she explains. ‘My symptoms began to fade and
I haven’t taken a painkiller since. There’s more to it than just
diet, but it was a major factor in helping me realise that I can
thrive.’ With that came more realisations. ‘I was stuck in a
business that was struggling after the financial crash. I needed
to find a way out and live more at ease, and that wasn’t easy.’
Gabriela decided to leave her profession and discover how
she could use her experience of healthy living to start a fresh
venture. ‘I wanted to share my journey. I knew I needed a
new career and it was exciting!’ She opted to train as a raw food
chef, teacher and health coach. ‘I was an accomplished cook
and I wanted to be able to create amazing raw food, too.’
Reducing expenses helped support this leap. ‘We live in
such a beautiful place, but it’s costly. We decided to convert
34 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
LEFT Yoga and walking
pug William help
Gabriela unwind
BELOW She loves creating
a new take on her
favourite dishes – like
raw risotto with
dehydrated tomatoes
part of the house into a studio and create our eco glamping
pod, which we rent on Airbnb to give us a buffer. I felt under
less pressure to earn and working became something I wanted
to do.’ With large windows and views across the woods, dotted
with fruit trees and a pond, their home is beautiful – and
environmentally conscious. ‘We harvest our rain water, use
non-toxic paint, have solar panels and an electric car. We have
a low-impact life, and that also applies to the business.’
Gabriela realised this made her home not just her base for
work, but the perfect setting for retreats. ‘I noticed clients
didn’t just want recipes, they wanted to share the lifestyle,’ she
says. ‘When people come for a retreat, they get meditation,
movement, our garden and home, our story and our philosophy
– that sends them away inspired. I love showing people that
whatever life situation you’re in, you can shift your focus.
When you clean up your life in that way, your awareness
becomes bigger and you view the world in a different way.’
This led Gabriela to a more spiritual outlook – something
she says she had previously denied. ‘Doing meditation and
yoga, my spirituality felt stronger and I was more connected.’
She has had lots of coaching and is keen to continue learning.
‘When I was suffering with fibromyalgia, I would go to bed and

spend that time feeling upset and guilty. I do still sometimes
get pain and I used to drop back into that downward spiral.
Now I recognise those thoughts and switch out of it.’ She has
developed a meditation for this, which she shares with clients.
Learning to overcome hurdles
Gabriela’s typical week consists of time dedicated to preparing
food – her husband is responsible for making nut milk and
fresh juice – as well as coaching, giving talks, hosting retreats
and connecting with members of her Conscious Raw Vegans
Facebook group. ‘I love giving talks and coaching. I look
forward to every coaching session; seeing the changes in
a person’s wellbeing is wonderful,’ she says. ‘I enjoy public
speaking because I see people become inspired. If they make
one little change, or open their mindset, then I feel I’ve done
my job.’ Leading videos, however, was not as natural for her.
‘I used to think it just wasn’t me, but I took a course and
overcame my fear. I realised that if I think of the camera as
FOOD: JASMIN GILES
my audience then I can get my message across well. It’s a
great way for people to get to know me.’
What motivates Gabriela? ‘I really walk my talk, but I’m
not perfect or a saint,’ she says. ‘I have bad days, but I’ve
LEFT Nurturing BELOW Gabriela has
each other’s health always been at home
helped motivate in the kitchen and
Gabriela and Neil to loves inspiring others
discover raw food to experiment more
“I really walk my talk, but I’m not perfect
or a saint… I have bad days, but I’ve
made a commitment to live this lifestyle”
made a commitment to my clients, audience, family and
myself to live this lifestyle fully. I can’t imagine living any
other way now.’ These days, her decisions are motivated by
her values. ‘If a project doesn’t feel right, I don’t do it, and
it also has to be fun and feel authentic,’ she says.
Gabriela is grateful for her experience. ‘I live more fluidly,
which I wish everybody could do. If I feel stressed, I stop, get
my dog and go walking. I like to walk barefoot through the
fields,’ she says. And she emphasises that this is attainable
for all. ‘I teach that it’s about fitting it into your life, moment
by moment. Just taking a deep breath can be a moment of
meditation; or getting out a chair consciously can be exercise.
I notice when my body, mind or spirit needs care. I try to teach
this awareness – to be aware of what you need in that moment.’
Gabriela hopes to grow her online coaching and to support
other people in establishing ‘soul businesses’. ‘I’d like to build
a gathering for young women who want to create businesses
in the vegan community,’ she says. ‘Being older, I’d like to give
something back and to support the women who are emerging in
business and are so excited, and who have such amazing ideas.’
For more about Gabriela, see gabrielalerner.com, follow @gabrielalerner
and join her Conscious Raw Vegans group on Facebook
F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 35
 Listen
now More inspiration!
with ‘Psychologies’ radio & TV
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life-changing coaching, sign up to our Life Leap Club, free to all subscribers

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Live Podcasts
24/31 December and LIFE LEAP PODCASTS about how we can all learn
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your most pressing questions live. Morgan on how to live Quest To Find Out If Self-Help
2/16/30 January at 1pm Respected your bravest life, leap Really Can Change Her
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Psychologies in-house adventurer, author of award-winning Guidebook For The Brave
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foot along the Draa River in Morocco,
with camels, to investigate the effects
UKCP TALKING THERAPIES PODCAST
of desertification on one of the oldest
inhabited areas of the planet. It’s ●Why do I feel lonely in my relationship?
a big, complex endeavour but most Released on 24 December
of life is a complex endeavour, so A study by the Co-op and the British Red Cross found that
here she looks at the art of holding over nine million adults in the UK feel lonely often or always.
complexity simply. And, in a survey by Action for Children, 43 per cent of 17- to
9 January at 1pm Lucy Griffiths 25-year-olds who used their service said they had experienced
on how to parachute into any feelings of loneliness. Less than half of these individuals
situation and feel confident. said they felt loved. In this podcast, UKCP psychotherapist
9 January at 7pm Tiu de Haan’s rituals Fe Robinson speaks to Sarah Niblock, the CEO of the UKCP, to
PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES

for clearing 2018 and creating 2019 understand why we can feel lonely despite being in a relationship.
– out with the old and in with the new. psychologies.co.uk/why-do-i-feel-lonely-my-relationship-podcast-ukcp

Listen to the Psychologies Podcast Channel on iTunes, TuneIn and SoundCloud

36 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
diary
 Why do I feel
lonely in my
relationship?
In our column and podcast series, Professor Sarah
Niblock, CEO of the UKCP, explores real-life challenges
that affect all of us and how psychotherapy can help.
This month, she explores loneliness in a partnership

Y ou may think cohabitation or marriage is a cast-

iron guarantee that you won’t feel lonely. Yet,
sadly, as UKCP individual and couples therapists
see all the time, being in a relationship affords us little or no
protection. In fact, studies have shown that as many as 60
per cent of people who feel lonely are living with a partner.
Research bears this out, such as a seven-year study of couples
which found that shortcomings in a marriage may actually
make that relationship isolating, rather than protective.
Emotional and physical dangers  connection waned over time? The label of loneliness can
We don’t tend to think loneliness needs urgent intervention,
but therapists disagree. Not only does loneliness cause
emotional pain, it can also have an impact on our mental and
physical health. There is evidence that loneliness can raise
the prospect of ill health by compromising our immune
system. Loneliness certainly increases the risk of  depression
and anxiety by distorting our overall picture of our self-
worth. Unaddressed, that can lead to damaging behaviour.
In long-term relationships, therapists say loneliness can
creep up on us, disconnecting us from our partner gradually.
We find the conversations that once bonded us – about shared
interests and mutual goals – are replaced by transactional
exchanges about household matters, parenting and paying
the bills. When one partner feels lonely, they may start to
become physically distant, watching TV in a separate room,
or only socialising with their own friends. It’s not uncommon
to adopt different bedtimes and sexual intimacy lessens, too.
Should you stay in a lonely relationship?
Ironically, many people do because of the fear
that leaving will make them lonelier when, in
fact, it could have the opposite effect. It can be
easier to remain in a rut rather than face potential conflict,
but the longer we allow our relationship to atrophy, the
harder it is to repair. The good news is that relationships can
be saved if both partners are willing to invest time and energy.
One of the first things a therapist will ask is how loneliness
has manifested itself. Do you feel unappreciated; or has the
mean different things in different relationships, so putting a
finger on what precisely has to change is an important step.
Therapists examine life events or changes in circumstance
that coincide with feelings of loneliness. For example, a
promotion may limit the time a couple can spend together.
Having a baby can leave one or both partners too exhausted
to consider the other’s needs. Or it may be that you have
slipped into negative habits through familiarity.
The unavoidable first step is sharing your concerns with
your partner. If you have kept your feelings hidden, they may
be genuinely surprised. We tend to expect our loved ones to
know what we need intuitively when, in most cases, we need
to be explicit. Talking is the first and most important step,
but change won’t necessarily happen overnight. If you would
like help broaching the conversation, a psychotherapist can
help you identify what you need and how to express it.
Couples therapists work with both parties, offering a safe

38 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9

and therapeutic space in which both partners can feel
listened to, while recognising any destructive patterns of
behaviour. They help couples gain a greater understanding  hurt or angry. Communication
of each other’s thoughts and emotions, enable them to
express their understanding and intensify their bond.
Your love limits
What if you are content but your partner says they feel
lonely? That may be devastating news, but all is not lost.
The chances are that if your partner feels lonely, you
PHOTOGRAPH: PÅL HANSEN. HAIR AND MAKE-UP: CARL STANLEY
probably do, too – but don’t realise it. A therapist would
help you explore how your expectations of a relationship,
and your way of relating to your partner’s needs have been
shaped by your past, perhaps even your upbringing. Did
your parents, carers or role models have close and caring
relationships? Or were they distant, and so perhaps you
grew up with low expectations of love?
The bottom line is that every couple is unique and
will inevitably go through ups and downs and periods of
connection and disconnection over time. Learning how
to navigate those occasional choppy waters is an excellent
investment in a happy and fulfilled future together.
in partnership with UKCP
ASK THE EXPERT…
Fe Robinson is a psychotherapist
specialising in EMDR therapy and
counselling for couples. She gives her
insight into loneliness in relationships
Q What causes feelings be understood and feel wanted.
of loneliness in I see couples who have lost their
romantic relationships? ability to play together and be
Loneliness often comes about spontaneous, and have stopped
because something has getting beyond the day-to-day to
changed in a person’s life, and it meet their intimate wants, hopes
has an effect on the way you feel and fears. Therapy helps work
about your relationship. Maybe out what they want, where they
you had a child, moved home are and how they can change.
or lost a loved one. You may feel
you’ve matured, or your needs Q How can you reach
are not being met. It may be that out to your partner
there has been an affair and if you feel disconnected?
trust is an issue, or just that Do things that bring you closer
you are not communicating well. together. Spend time together,
talk to each other about what
Q What are common you think and how you feel. Find
issues, and how can ways to let your partner know
therapy help couples? they matter – put a note in their
People want to understand how lunch box; notice something
they feel, and why, and to work they need and do it for them,
through what that means. Often, touch them on the arm as you
they have lost their connection walk past. The key is knowing
with their partner, and are feeling yourself and your partner
and doing things that will
comes up a lot; people want to be meaningful for you both.
LISTEN TO THE TALKING THERAPIES PODCAST
Let’s talk about loneliness
Listen to Sarah Niblock talk to Fe Robinson about
loneliness in relationships at psychologies.co.uk/
why-do-i-feel-lonely-my-relationship-podcast-ukcp
About the UKCP and how to find a therapist
● The UKCP Alongside professional ● To find the right therapist,
log on to psychologies.co.uk/
support for our members, we are the
leading research, innovation, educational find-a-therapist and look at our
and regulatory body working to advance Life Labs Channel of experts
psychotherapies for the benefit of all. who may be able to help, or visit
Our membership includes more than psychotherapy.org.uk/find-a-therapist
8,000 therapists and 70 training and to locate a therapist near you.
accrediting organisations. Members
work privately, in public health or
third-sector organisations, offering
a range of approaches for couples,
individuals, families and groups.
F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 39
self
Past
pleasures
Kate Townshend is an avowed declutterer, with one
exception – she keeps a hoard of treasured keepsakes,
which she dips into to bring back memories sweet
and sharp, and to keep her grounded
D id you know that Mary
Shelley is said to have
kept the heart of her
dead husband, Percy
Bysshe Shelley, in her desk drawer?
Apparently, it was wrapped in one of
his poems for added pathos. She is a
heroine of mine, for her writing and
politics and, while I probably draw the
line at actual body parts, I have some
sympathy with her attachment to this
tangible reminder of her husband.
One woman’s junk…
My own less rock-and-roll version
of a heart in a drawer is a trunk (it
used to be a suitcase, before that a
cardboard box and, once upon a very
long time ago, a simple paper folder)
literally brimming with old birthday
cards, notes passed in idle French
lessons at school, love letters from
exes and terrible adolescent poetry
– all palpable detritus of my past.
It’s my one concession to hoarding
(that and books): I am brutal when it
comes to throwing out general rubbish.
Clutter makes me feel claustrophobic
and panicky and my husband has
40 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
learned the hard way that, if he leaves
an object on our kitchen table, it is
likely to find its way into the bin or
the recycling. But give me a crummy
old receipt with a scribbled note and
some kisses on it, written as he leaves
the house on a random Tuesday
morning, and I’ll treasure it forever.
I suppose I’ve always been this way,
“withGivea note
me a receipt
and
some kisses on it,
written on a random “ memories, that they provide context
Tuesday, and I’ll
treasure it forever
and maybe there’s even some sort of
genetic predisposition towards this
sentimental ‘treasure troving’. My
mum stores every family photo ever
taken in a huge chest, starting with
her and my dad, impossibly young,
glamorous and child-free, through to
my graduation from university. There
is no order to her photos and rifling
through them is like entering a lucky
dip of memories but, when I’m sad,
or shaken, or wondering what to do
next with my life, handling them is
an act of calming meditation.
Protected in time
In a very real way, they bring me to
an acute awareness of the fact that
life is a series of moments, and that
chronology isn’t everything. Even
if my current situation is not a happy
one, I am comforted by the knowledge
that I’m surrounded by these warm
for my life just as much as the present
but, unlike the present, they are
beyond reach in a way that makes
them safe. No matter what life throws
at me, these happy, snow-shaker
memories persist, and there’s a
profound sense of security in that.
Sometimes, I wonder if my three-
PHOTOGRAPH: STOCKSY
year-old niece will ever know this
time-travelling pleasure. There are
already hundreds of photos of her
online, but there’s something quite
distinct about my physical >>>
self

photographic jumble; about reaching paper they touched; you can see the grown-up me sees an angsty teenager
in and pulling out a specific moment in physical mark they left on the world; doing the best she could in a tricky
time. And it’s strangely satisfying to the quirks of their personality in the situation. I try to remember that even
reconstruct the events around it. quirks of their handwriting. And you now, when tides of uncertainty and
‘I think it was your eighth birthday,’ can reread their words with all the self-doubt threaten to engulf me.
Mum suggests, and we lose ourselves certainty of the first time you saw Of course, no human being can be
in a conversation about whether a them. How could that not be precious? reduced to a pile of papers and ticket
particular gift came before or after I This sense of developing history stubs. But we do construct our
changed schools, and who gave it to me. is another reason my memorabilia identities, in part, from memories.
matters to me. It’s often during times When I trawl through my papers,
The way we were of crisis that I sift through my trunk, I see myriad versions of myself, and
I know some might say hanging onto looking for clues in my past about sometimes I am reminded of aspects
all of this – especially in such volume what I should seek in my future. It’s of who I am that might otherwise be
– is childish. It’s the memories not all soft focus, warm and fuzzy buried: the idealism of childhood;
and relationships that matter, not – some objects denote memories with the determination of my early 20s.
imperfect physical symbols of them. edges still sharp enough to cut.
And I recognise that. But, for me, the My diary from my early 20s makes My glorious life
symbols add depth and richness to particularly dark reading, and I want They’re also, quite simply, reminders
the memories. The smell of my school to reach back through the years with of how lucky I am. Funny messages
exercise book makes me a child again, words of hope and comfort to myself. from uni friends I’m still close to;
in a way that simple recall could never I feel tender towards my past self, and cards from Mum that bring tears
manage. The sight of my own young that somehow helps me to be kinder to my eyes; invitations to parties
handwriting; my hopes and dreams to the me of the present. It’s too late to I remember with a cocktail of
recorded with a seven-year-old’s change the past but looking back with embarrassment and fondness… The
clarity – the memory and the object older, wiser eyes can provide closure. point is: there’s love and happiness in
are symbiotic, one feeds the other. When I was 18, I berated myself this tangle of tattered trinkets, and
It’s a feeling that’s been sharpened, for turning down a place at a distant the balance is in favour of sweet, not
I suspect, since I lost my dad to university because I didn’t want to be bitter. No wonder I can’t bring myself
Alzheimer’s. I’ve seen the visceral far from family, and my diary is full of to throw them out, though I’m going to
horror of someone cast adrift from self-loathing over that decision. But need a bigger trunk. @_katetownshend
their memories and, however silly
it may sound, my flotsam and jetsam
give me the sense of an insurance
policy. My dad could recognise photos
at a point far beyond his ability to
Memories manifested
comprehend our, ‘Do you remember…?’ From cards and letters to curls of hair in lockets, creatives
anecdotes. At the end, an object that throughout the ages have known the value of keepsakes
he could touch was a far more reliable
witness than his misfiring brain. l Writer Simone de l Novelist Samuel significance of a token
Maybe there’s a reason why those Beauvoir’s lover, film- Butler said: ‘Letters of affection: ‘I never gave
with the dubious good fortune of maker Claude Lanzmann, are like wine; if they are a lock of hair away, To a
knowing they’re dying spend time last year sold to Yale sound they ripen with man, Dearest, except
leaving tangible pieces of themselves University the letters keeping. A man should this to thee, Which
for their loved ones to cling to when she had penned to him, lay down letters as he now upon my fingers
they’re gone – letters for children; fearing her family would does a cellar of wine.’ thoughtfully I ring out to
lists of advice for spouses. A memory ‘eliminate me from [her] l In her love poems, the full brown length and
of a conversation or a day filled with existence.’ These objects ‘Sonnets From The say “Take it”.’
joy is its own gift, but you can hold of sentimental value Portuguese’, Elizabeth l Poet and cleric
a letter. You can breathe deeply and were literal vindication Barrett Browning John Donne wrote:
hope to detect the faintest hint of a that the events they includes a line in which More than kisses, letters
beloved’s perfume; you can touch the describe took place. she recognises the mingle souls.

42 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
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shared values
Kelly Holmes
Double Olympic gold medallist Dame Kelly Holmes shares how vital honesty
and kindness are to her, and how exercise is the key to living a more positive life
INTERVIEW DANIELLE WOODWARD
It was important for me to be honest about my struggles
with mental health in my new book Running Life; I wanted
to share the story of being the high-achieving athlete people know
me for, but also to talk about the reality of what I went through.
People look at the gold medals and think you’re a superhero, but
I fought hard to get there. Bereavement, self-harming, anxiety
and depression… these things have all affected me, and it feels
right to explain how I dealt with them and how I continue to cope.
I want people to find something in my book that speaks to
them, to help inspire them and motivate them to change
their lives. There’s advice for starting a fitness regime, healthy
recipes and self-help sections. I’m not an expert; I just decided
to share how I live my life and what works for me, along with
professional people who I trust to provide the scientific
backup. I’d like people to flick through the book and take
what’s relevant for them, whether it’s training tips, finding
something tasty to eat for lunch or coping with a bad day… if
they find a part of the book that helps them, that’s brilliant.
When I feel low, it’s due to taking on too much; I want to
give my best to everyone but when I try to do it all, I’m
no use to anyone. You have to know yourself, recognise the
signs of stress and be prepared to make a change. I’m a very
driven person – people say I’m a Duracell bunny! – but when
I don’t give myself enough time off, it gets serious. Self-care is
really important; there’s nothing I enjoy more than spending
time with my friends, having a laugh and just being myself.
Exercise is one of the best ways to increase motivation;
you become more self-aware because of the endorphins
and serotonin released, which is empowering. I’d like people
to think of exercise as not just something they have to do, but
something that helps them think straighter and be stronger.
I’m so proud of the work my charity [the Dame Kelly
Holmes Trust] has achieved since I set it up 10 years ago.
At the time, the focus was on helping sportspeople cope with
retirement, but now, a big part of it is helping young people from
disadvantaged backgrounds. We encourage them to think, ‘I can
44 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
do this, I can change’ and give them the tools to progress.
To see them at the end of our programme, when they are
standing proud and talking articulately and confidently
about their experience, makes me well up.
If you have a public voice, I believe it’s important to use
it in a positive way. I love travelling to new places, too;
I visited Malawi recently, which was such a humbling experience.
The people were wonderful; they had no concept of what an
Olympic champion was, so when they saw me and my gold
medals, they went crazy! I also filmed groups of kids and showed
them the video on my phone and they’d never seen anything like
that before; they were laughing at seeing themselves. It really
makes you think about what we take for granted in the West
and how lucky we are; I ended up sponsoring some children in
Malawi to get through secondary school as only seven per cent
of children get to go because of the cost – it’s not right.
Kindness is important to me; if you’ve got a kind heart,
it shows. There’s always someone worse off than you, so you
need to be kind to others, as you don’t know what people are
going through. If everyone could recognise the humanity in
people and engage with them, the world would be nicer.
I get annoyed when people put others in boxes; we are
all human. A taxi driver from Bangladesh once asked me if
I think BME groups get a fair deal in the army. But there’s no
point in saying there aren’t enough of them in the army if
those groups don’t make the effort to join. Yes, people may
feel there are issues with certain groups being able to follow
certain career paths, but I do think it’s about attitude. Don’t
put barriers up to stop yourself until you actually try.
Respect and honesty are my core values – you shouldn’t
just expect respect; you gain it through helping and
PHOTOGRAPH: DAVID CASSIDY
supporting other people, getting the best out of yourself
and having drive and determination. It’s also important
to respect yourself and not let others put you down.
‘Running Life: Mindset, Fitness & Nutrition For Positive Wellbeing’ by Dame Kelly
Holmes (Kyle Books, £20) is out now. Follow Kelly on Twitter @damekellyholmes
 Our agony aunt, Mary Fenwick, offers a new
perspective on whatever is troubling you

‘‘My wife can be

an embarrassing
‘‘
and mean drunk

Q
MARY FENWICK is a writer,
speaker and executive coach; she’s
When we go to events, my wife often drinks too much also a mother, divorcee and widow.
and (I think) makes a fool of herself. I understand why GOT A QUESTION FOR MARY?
she does it – she’s shy and alcohol gives her a feeling of Email mary@psychologies.co.uk,
with ‘MARY’ in the subject line.
confidence, but I’m embarrassed by her and, when she’s
FOLLOW MARY on Twitter
drunk, she can be unpleasant to me. @MJFenwick and Instagram
We’ve talked about it and sometimes she improves, but not for long. @marythefenwick. For more
She says I’m controlling but I don’t want her to be like this. I love her about her one-to-one work and
speaking, see maryfenwick.com
wholeheartedly – when she’s sober. What can I do? Name supplied

A
We’re not quite at the
nub of this problem,
I feel. My instinct
is to put more effort
into naming what is going on, aiming
to be both accurate and kind. The
underlying principle is to separate
the person (the human being) from
what they do (the human doing).
It may sound mechanical but, if we
insert the word ‘behaviour’, we have
more room to manoeuvre. An
example: ‘I’m embarrassed by her
out. How much do you talk about
those, or is it like stepping on a
wordless conveyor belt? When
drinking at home, are there similar
issues? I raise this because your use
of the word ‘unpleasant’ could mean
a number of things, up to and
including an abusive relationship,
or one where you don’t feel safe to
speak your mind. I’m not suggesting
that’s the case, but if you were a
woman writing this about a man,
my antennae would be on alert.
It’s not for me (or you) to say if this
applies to your wife, but this is
something that is clearly bothering
you enough to write to me.
One route to support is Al-Anon,
for people affected by someone else’s
drinking. There are a number of
stories on their website involving
men talking about their wives and
alcohol; see if any of them resonate
for you. There is also free live chat on
the Relate website, which may help.
The famous prayer linked to alcohol
PHOTOGRAPH: VICTORIA BIRKINSHAW

behaviour’ is less hurtful than ‘I’m
embarrassed by her’.
Considering your letter, I have
an image of watching a play, and
I wonder about backstage – the
stories, memories and fears in both
of your heads as you get ready to go
Perhaps the key is hiding in plain
sight and you are both right – it’s
about alcohol and control. My gran
identified as an alcoholic, although
her drinking was only at a low level,
but she didn’t want to feel alcohol
was about need rather than desire.
asks for ‘the serenity to accept the
things I cannot change, the courage
to change the things I can, and the
wisdom to know the difference’.
I hope you apply courage and wisdom
to honour your feelings, too.
al-anonuk.org.uk/public/podcasts; relate.org.uk

JOIN OUR CLUB! WE’VE LAUNCHED A WORLD-CLASS ONLINE COACHING CLUB – AND MEMBERSHIP

“I’m upset because my neighbour is giving me the cold shoulder”
Q My neighbour has
stopped speaking to me
and I don’t know what
I have done to offend her. I have
tried asking her but she blanks
me and literally runs past me
if I say anything to her. It is
incredibly childish and makes
me annoyed, but also upset.
She has not spoken to her
neighbour on the other side of
her house for 10 years after they
had a boundary dispute, but
things have always been fine
between us. It is really bothering
me. Can you help me deal with
this? Name supplied
“I miss my friend now that she’s in a relationship”
Q I feel that since my friend
has found a boyfriend,
she has lost interest
in me and our friendship. She’s
committed to her relationship, and
I understand that, but I miss her.
I suspect that you will say I
should just go out with other
friends but I find myself thinking
that they may break up soon and
she will be back and things will
return to normal. How do I handle
this? Name supplied
A
I’d love you to go forward to
a ‘new normal’, rather than
back to the old. I hope you
will have at least one or two good
friends at each stage of your life, plus
a happy love life. My concern is that
you might rely on just one other
IS FREE TO ALL SUBSCRIBERS. LEAP INTO A BETTER LIFE AT PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK/LIFE-LEAP-CLUB-NEW-SUBSCRIBERS
A
I don’t think your own
efforts are going to fi x this,
even if I offer all the tricks
as a journalist and coach. In the end,
you can’t force someone to talk
to you and even if you get an
explanation, it’s unlikely to be useful
since your neighbour has a track
record of taking an extreme approach.
The question then becomes how
you relate to a problem which can’t be
fi xed. I sometimes hear my fabulous,
gritty great-aunt’s voice saying:
‘What she needs is a good healthy
dose of ignore.’ Could you find it in
yourself to send warm, affectionate
vibes to this unhappy person, while
person to give you happiness, rather
than creating your own. I hope you
will read my advice (above) about
taking a bigger perspective.
It sounds as if you are, by nature,
someone who connects deeply, and
with a small number of people, which
makes you a loyal friend and possibly
an introvert. The Quiet Revolution
website is a place to find comfort in
knowing that you are not alone.
Making new friends as an adult is
both a science and an art [see link
right]. The science suggests that
two people need to spend 90 hours
together to become friends, or 200
hours to qualify as close friends. One
element of the art is knowing enough
about yourself to be able to tap into
your passions, because that’s where
you’ll find people like you – whether
F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 47
the life lab
self
getting on with your own business?
It might sound like overkill to
bring Carl Jung into the picture, but
I’m also thinking of his distinction,
which says that some problems can’t
be solved, only outgrown. The
insoluble problem loses its urgency
when you find something bigger or
more interesting to think about.
In essence, what I’m suggesting is
a policy of respectful non-caring. It’s
respectful because you accept that
your neighbour is an adult who can
make her own choices about how she
behaves. The non-caring part means
setting boundaries about how much
those choices affect you.
that’s knitting, astronomy or Comic
Con. You are completely entitled to
miss your friend, but I am pretty
sure that she wants you to be happy
for yourself.
theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018
/apr/30/how-to-make-new-friends-adult-
lonely-leap-of-faith; quietrev.com
Be part of our tribe
Join the Life Leap Club and
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our experts. All you have to
do is subscribe to access free
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Go to psychologies.co.uk/Life-
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Watch Mary’s coaching sessions
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Take the first
step toward Out
now!
a stronger,
braver
you.

Adversity is an inescapable
part of life, but it’s how you deal
with it that really counts.

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Don’t take it personally
How do you navigate dating when you are also studying tantra?
Karla Newbey explores new, authentic ways to be in a sexual relationship
S
‘ shh,’ Miles* lifts his finger to his lips
and glances around. We’re sitting
in a pub garden chatting after the
tantra workshop where we met. As usual, I’m
speaking too loudly. Sex, tantra and pleasure are
not topics of conversation others are allowed to
overhear. The openness we experienced on the
workshop is already shrinking as we re-enter
the normal world. ‘I wore my best shirt,’ Miles
laughs, ‘as it’s our first date.’ In reality, we’ve
already spent a couple of extraordinarily sensual
nights together on the workshop, and now we’re
discussing where we might like to go from here.
The naked truth
Everything about this is new: I’ve never been to
bed with a man where the main focus has been
my pleasure; I’ve certainly never woken up the
next morning and found myself in a workshop
where I’m stripping naked in front of the man
I’ve spent the night with, explaining what I
both like, and don’t like, about my body, then
watching and listening as he does the same; and
I’ve never slept with a man who has studied
tantra. Ladies, there’s a whole new dimension
of pleasure here; it’s life-changing and what I
ILLUSTRATION: JESSICA DURRANT/GETTY IMAGES. *NAME HAS BEEN CHANGED
was hoping to find when I set off on my journey.
Obviously, the usual pattern of presenting
myself in a certain light to the person I’m
attracted to is already out of the window. When
we came downstairs after the first night we
spent together and the morning’s structure
was explained – that in small groups of three,
we’d stand up and, as we undressed, point out
our favourite and least favourite parts of our
Karla Newbey is attending the mixed and women’s Shakti Tantra
programmes; shaktitantra.co.uk. The mixed programme has five
levels, which run as consecutive workshops, spread out over a year.
For details on Karla’s journey, visit yabyum.co.uk and follow her on
Twitter @karla_newbey
orgasmic life
bodies – I was in the slightly surreal situation
of being more honest with this man I’ve known
for three days than I was with my husband of
10 years. Even just a few months ago, I’d have
been appalled at the idea of not just revealing
my body, but also my insecurities, in such a way
– but it was not nearly as terrifying as I’d
imagined. He, of course, has done the same
with me, and we have got to know each
other in an unusually deep way in a
short time. What do we do with this
experience that is so new to both of
us? Our encounter has been much
more intense both physically and
mentally than previous sexual
experiences. But, in many ways,
it’s not personal. The intensity
isn’t necessarily a reflection of our
connection; rather, it’s a reflection of the
journey we’re on and the skills we’re learning.
Both newly divorced, him even more recently
than me, we are aware that we’re working to
change the deep-seated patterns of behaviour
that led us to end up in unhappy marriages with
stagnant sex lives. Neither of us wants to fall back
into old patterns, so how do we ensure we don’t?
As we talk, we realise we have both struggled
with similar issues: finding it hard to ask for
what we want, people-pleasing and putting
aside our needs in order to keep others ‘happy’.
Hesitantly, we decide we’d like to see each
other again but, knowing we’re on a journey
of transformation, we can make no other
commitment than to be completely honest
with each other and see where that leads.
F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 49
psychology

Fake it till
you make it!
When a contact suggested Amy Pierce pitch for a
well-paid job in a new field, her reaction was, ‘I can’t
do that!’ But she pushed herself, and discovered she
was more capable than she had ever imagined

W aves of panic engulf me.

It’s 3am and I can’t sleep,
thinking about the
meeting later. I get up
to check that I have concealer to hide the
developing dark circles under my eyes, which
would give me away – the confident, forthright,
capable person I am at work would sleep
soundly, sure in her ability… But then, she isn’t
the real, shy, intimidated woman lying here.
I am faking it till I make it.
‘Faking it’ is not about pretending you can
do something you are unqualified for – instead,
it involves imitating authority, positivity and
confidence until you change your mindset
and achieve those qualities. Thankfully, our
brains are programmed to help us, explains
Jackee Holder, leadership coach and author
of The Write Prescription (Step Beach Press,
£15.95). ‘If you are doing and saying, “This is
where I want to be and what I want to do,”
you give energy to the part of your brain that
has developed to help you progress,’ she says.
More and more women are ‘faking it’, and
with good reason. Research shows that while
a man will apply for a job based on the one skill
he has on a list of required attributes, a woman
will abandon the application if she sees one skill
that she does not have, which may be part of the
reason there are more male CEOs represented
on the FTSE 100. Men have been putting on their
game face for years; it’s time we do the same.
I am my own obstacle
Six months ago, a former colleague for whom
I have worked – a proud fake-it-till-she-made-it
– told me about a company that needed a
communication consultant for one day a week.
She said I could do it, even when I told her I had
no experience in that industry, and in parts
of the job, such as engaging new business,
speech writing, dealing with crisis >>>

50 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
>>> media inquiries and delivering uptake
in social media. I barely tweet. The
day rate she said I should go for would
pay my mortgage every month!
Brushing aside my protestations,
she told me to ditch the impostor
syndrome and fake it. As I thought it
over, I realised the only thing holding
me back was me – which gave me the
push I needed to go for it.
I worried for days in the lead-up
to the interview, but told myself
over and over that they wouldn’t have
asked me in if they didn’t think I
was good enough. Still, as I entered
the meeting room, I felt nauseous
and shaky. Several times, nerves
made my mind go blank. Normally,
I would have apologised; instead, I
hoped my pauses made me look
measured, rather than terrified.

Wall Street bravado

As the interview progressed, I could
see where my skills were needed,
such as changing the tone of their
corporate language and gaining
media attention. During the pay
discussion, I remembered my
contact’s words: if you go low, your
abilities are doubted; aim high and
they will value you. I felt like Gordon
Gekko when my mortgage-paying
day rate was agreed.
As my starting date got nearer,
I almost bottled it, even composing
an email to say that I couldn’t make
it. But, as Holder points out, ‘There
will never be the perfect time to start
faking it; life just isn’t like that.’ needed to draft important documents, I was starting to feel more
During my first days, I was so out I frantically emailed an ex-boss of comfortable when, in a meeting,
of my comfort zone, it felt like I was mine for her know-how. several managers robustly challenged
looking down on my freshly suited- Three weeks in, I had to prepare my ideas. This had never happened
and-booted self. (I normally wear a senior manager for a Q&A at an to me before and I started speaking
vintage.) I would go to the office loos important event. I barely slept the very quickly, which I do when I am
PHOTOGRAPHS: GETTY IMAGES

to psych myself up. My mantra was:
‘You are doing this. Smile!’ which, in
fact, is scientifically sound – smiling
produces hormones that can make
you feel more positive.
Several times, particularly when I
night before. I researched what she
would need down to the minutest
detail, and she didn’t guess it was my
first time. That night, I went to bed
the same time as my youngest child
and slept for 12 hours straight.
unsure. I felt uncomfortably close to
being unmasked as ‘the fake’. I was
concerned I had become so flustered
about ideas that I knew would work, so
I booked a career confidence-building
course. There, I met others who felt as if

52 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
 psychology

Lessons from the fake-it trail

Amy Pierce’s pearls of wisdom on showing your best badass self
l Stand up and sit you if you’re battling preparing for a particular l When doubts arise,
straight. Good posture impostor syndrome. task I find daunting. think of something upbeat.
helps you to breathe l Prepare and make l Make sure everyone’s Create a gremlin and pass
properly, which is notes. These are a comfort voice is heard. By over self-limiting beliefs!
invaluable when delivering blanket, and you can encouraging around-the- l Be positive; be polite;

what you want to say
effectively, with authority.
l Get help or training.
Improving your knowledge
will assist in areas where
you have skills gaps, or find
a mentor who can guide
always read them aloud if
you have a blank moment
during a presentation or
meeting. These days, my
husband often finds me
listening to work-related
TED Talks, learning and
table opinion-sharing, you
not only give everyone a
platform to speak, but you
afford yourself a breather.
l Faking it till you make
it is hard, but the more you
do it, the easier it becomes.
pay a compliment – they all
demonstrate confidence.
l Pay it forward.
Sharing your insight with
someone who is struggling
is a kindness that will
boost you both.

they were faking it, and admitting it

made us all feel better. The trainer
helped us identify that confidence is
“ I imagine myself,
standing sure-footed
across as less sure of themselves who
make excellent contributions. I am
learning a lot about confidence, and
feeling comfortable in your own skin;
you don’t need to feel threatened by
and well balanced, how to operate, from her.

others, or to compare yourself to them.
Aim to be polite and ready to credit
others, while retaining gravitas.
Fearlessness toolkit
I learned to slow down my speech
and to adopt open body language. The
trainer pointed out that I touch my
neck when I am nervous – a sign of
vulnerability I needed to be aware
of. Another helpful technique was to
get rid of self-doubts by visualising
handing them over to a gremlin
– mine looks like the chief executive!
I learned that when other people
ramp up your self-doubt, it speaks
volumes about them, not you. I
discovered ways to create a mental
barrier: I imagine myself, standing
sure-footed and well balanced, with
that person trying to push me, but
being unable to do so – I am stronger
than them. Holder also suggests
writing a letter to my future self
giving encouragement – I tell myself
my self-doubt has gone and how
with that person
trying to push me,
but being unable “ of staff who is far more able than she
to do so – I am
stronger than them
invigorating that is. Having this on
paper with me is useful when I need
a quick boost in self-esteem.
I have also learned by watching and
listening. I am fascinated by my boss,
who is respected and liked, while still
tenacious and driven. Several times,
she has supported my ideas when
others have not, and she makes sure
I get credit for my achievements.
She is unapologetic that she has
little communications experience
even though it is part of her current
role. She is calm and confident while
enabling her team to flourish. During
meetings, she makes sure everyone is
heard, and it’s often those who come
Mentoring and being me
And I am trying to pass it on. Also
around the table is a junior member
thinks. She reminds me of myself and
I don’t want her to go through years
of self-doubt like me. I encourage her,
whether it’s speaking up about ideas
or pursuing promotion. I am learning
that doing this makes me more aware
of my achievements, too.
I still put on my figurative game
face and savvy attitude every time
I go to the office. With my other
freelance jobs, I chat about my family
and friends with colleagues, but I am
not ready to do this here yet, it feels
too personal – but I no longer have to
psych myself up for work. Last week,
I swapped the suit for my favourite
vintage dress. This was a milestone,
as it continues to sink in that the
can-do, sassy, faking-it-till-she-
makes-it woman sitting at the
boardroom table is not fake at all.
She is the real me. jackeeholder.com

F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 53
“I’m incapable of saying
‘no’ to my friends ”
Our award-winning coach, Kim Morgan, speaks to a woman who
is struggling to put her needs above those of her friends
ILLUSTR ATION ANDREA DE SANTIS

Session “I feel used by my girlfriends and don’t know what to believe any more”
one
Chrissie* was instantly likeable – warm,
approachable, easy-going and quick to laugh
at herself. When I asked why she had come to see me, she
joked: ‘Because I’ve got more issues than Vogue!’ Chrissie
went on to explain that she had a lot of good friends, but she
felt that sometimes she gave them more than they gave her.
This turned out to be an understatement. Chrissie was
smiling and cheerful as she told me about two friends who
seemed to take all of her time and attention, ‘and each of
them is telling me that the other one is taking advantage
of me!’ She continued: ‘I’ve realised that I don’t know my
own mind – I get lost in other people’s opinions. When
one of my friends says something, I instantly believe them,
then I hear the other one’s point of view and I believe
them, too! I hate hurting people. I feel extreme guilt
if I say “no” to any request for help, but I sometimes
feel like I’m being used.’ Chrissie paused for a moment
and smiled apologetically. ‘But maybe it’s mean and
selfish of me to think like that.’
I was struck by how forgiving she was about everyone
else’s behaviour and how little she challenged anyone
who made demands on her. I asked her what made
her angry, and she couldn’t come up with an answer.
I asked her what boundaries she had in place with her
friends and she didn’t really understand the question.
For homework, I asked Chrissie to tune into her
feelings – negative and positive – and keep a note
of them in a journal to bring to the next session.

JOIN OUR LIFE LEAP CLUB. SUBSCRIBE NOW! GET FREE COACHING FROM WORLD-RENOWNED PSYCHOLOGISTS AND

54 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9

Session Find out what you want
two I thought that Chrissie had signs of codependency.
Codependent people get caught up in looking after
others’ needs at the expense of their own. They are people-pleasing
and saying ‘no’ does not come easily to them. They have poor
boundaries, low self-esteem, confuse love and pity, and find it hard
to own, or express, negative thoughts or emotions. When I shared
this definition with Chrissie, she exclaimed: ‘You’re describing
me exactly! I thought I was the only one who was like this.’
As we talked, I found out that Chrissie had experienced a difficult
childhood. Her father had left the family home when she was just
seven, leaving her to take care of her younger brother and mother,
who had mental health issues. She learned to believe, at a young
age, that her own feelings and needs did not count and that she
was responsible for other people’s emotions and wellbeing.
‘Am I a lost cause?’ she asked. I noticed that, for the first time,
Chrissie seemed sad for herself. I thought this was a sign of progress.
‘How does it feel to think about what you want?’ I asked. She
looked straight at me. ‘It feels wrong, but if I don’t learn to do it,
I’m going to be bullied and pushed around for the rest of my life.’
I was pleased to see a spark of entitlement in Chrissie and I knew,
in that moment, that she was going to work hard to make changes.
“
“ about items in the news; what you like to do in your
Emotional blackmailers
know that you feel guilty easily
Further Be kind to yourself
sessions I continued to see Chrissie for a long time and
we focused on some key areas – firstly, setting limits.
She had porous boundaries. She didn’t really know where the line
was between what was hers and what was someone else’s, and
that included her feelings, thoughts, money, time and belongings.
Then, we looked at noticing her negative feelings and seeing
them as red flags that her boundaries were being crossed.
Chrissie found it hard to recognise when she was feeling angry,
uncomfortable or resentful. I knew she’d made a breakthrough
when, one day, she got angry with me in a session. Next, we
addressed giving herself permission to show herself as much
kindness, generosity and compassion as she showed others.
It was hard for Chrissie to undo the habits of a lifetime and
NAME HAS BEEN CHANGED
sometimes she went two steps forward and one step back. Gradually,
she began to value herself for who she was, not just for what she did
for others. She’d seen some little red flags in a toyshop and bought
one for each room in her house to act as daily reminders for her to
notice her own feelings of discomfort about people or situations.
*
EXPERTS WHEN YOU SUBSCRIBE. SEE PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK/LIFE-LEAP-CLUB-NEW-SUBSCRIBERS
the life lab
coaching
Coaching exercises
BUILDING BETTER BOUNDARIES
Boundaries are like imaginary lines between us
and others. People with porous boundaries confuse
the thoughts and feelings of others with their
own. Having healthy boundaries communicates
to others that we have self-worth and protects
us from being used. Here are some steps to
creating better boundaries:
● Take time to identify your limits in relation to other
people. What behaviour is unacceptable to you? What
constitutes crossing the line to you?
● Remember that your needs are as important as
others’. How can you ensure you respect your needs?
● Learn to say ‘no’ without excessive justification,
explanation or apology.
● Trust your gut feelings. You probably know what
you need better than anyone else. Don’t let other
people tell you what is best for you.
● Buy yourself some time. Get used to saying: ‘I’ll
come back to you when I’ve given this some thought.’
● Develop your own opinions. Consider what you think
spare time. Learn to express your thoughts and
feelings about different topics and be truthful. Accept
that it is healthy to disagree with other people and
don’t pretend you agree with someone if you don’t.
RECOGNISING AND RESPONDING
TO EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION
Emotional blackmailers understand that you feel
guilty easily and that you want to be liked at all costs.
You need to learn to spot them, just as they can
spot you. Here are some signs to look for:
● They use your insecurities against you.
● They use silence, sulking and playing the victim to
trigger your guilt and get what they want from you.
● They deny the truth about things that have happened
and rewrite history until you start to question yourself.
● When they want something, they flatter you. Then
they will drop you again… until the next time.
Learn how to develop emotional distance. Don’t get
drawn in. Use silence more – you don’t always need
to respond to them. Maintain your boundaries – if you
say ‘no’, stick to it. Manipulators always have an agenda,
which you don’t have. You won’t beat them at their
game as they are the experts, so don’t play the game.
For more from Kim, see barefootcoaching.co.uk; @BarefootCoaches
 The last word on…
Dealing with
rude people
These gentle, yet assertive, ways of standing up to impoliteness
will have you walking away with your dignity intact
E veryone is ruder these days – but,
then again, we’ve been saying that
for centuries, long before Twitter
trolls or people shouting into their mobiles.
Still, how do we cope? We’re taught as
children not to respond to rudeness with
more rudeness; on the other hand, simply
letting the impolite person have their way
feels wrong, too. Fortunately, there are other
options. If you’re reading this on public
transport, try to ignore the person playing
videos without headphones in the seat next
to you, and consider these alternatives:
Switch perspective. Psychologists
call it the fundamental attribution error:
if I do something rude, like failing to say hello
in the street, it’s because I’m having a bad day
– but if you do it, it’s because you’re obnoxious.
It’s worth bearing in mind that an uncouth
person probably has their reasons. It’ll make
them less irritating, because their behaviour
won’t seem so irrationally mean.
Look out for misunderstandings.
Certainly, some bad-mannered people are
rule-breakers: they know it’s wrong to push
ahead in a queue, but do it anyway. But others
may have been raised with different rules.
Just as in some cultures it’s more polite to
sniff than blow your nose in public, the
IMAGE: GETTY IMAGES
colleague who ‘ignores’ you in the canteen
by sitting elsewhere may feel she’s just
respecting your privacy. If you suspect
a misunderstanding, try making your
56 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
preferences clear, by inviting them to join
you, for example.
Focus on what you can control.
As the ancient stoic philosophers observed,
we make ourselves miserable by trying to
control what we can’t, and failing to control
what we can. Faced with rudeness, you
can choose to maintain your dignity
(by ignoring it), request a change in
behaviour (by politely asking them
to use headphones) or leave the
situation (by moving to another
seat). What you probably can’t
choose is to make the other person
less obnoxious, or eliminate all
obnoxious people from your life.
Keep the distinction clear, and
your stress levels won’t spiral.
Kill it with kindness. Fighting
rudeness with rudeness just escalates
things – but responding with overwhelming
kindness disrupts the pattern, without
making you a pushover. Received an uncivil
email? Thank the sender for their message,
and sign off by wishing them a great weekend.
By deciding on this course of action, you’re
asserting your authority, rather than
surrendering it. There’s nothing
more satisfying than putting a brusque
person in their place, in a manner so virtuous
they know that they can’t fight back.
Oliver Burkeman is author of ‘The Antidote:
Happiness For People Who Can’t Stand Positive
Thinking’ (Canongate, £8.99)
psychology
 Dossier

The courage
to change
Fortune favours the brave, so let’s break the
shackles of fear that scupper our dreams

IN OUR DOSSIER THIS MONTH, Anita Chaudhuri

examines how we can all learn to be braver, inch out
of our comfort zones, finally stop procrastinating and
crack on with creating a life we love. Do you want 2019
to be different? Then you need to start developing your
courage muscles – and this Dossier will show you how.
Be inspired by a gutsy reader who overcame abuse to
write a book and become a millionaire. Take our test and
get to the bottom of what you’re really afraid of – failure,
disappointment, social exposure or making the wrong
decision – and learn how to navigate your way past
those fears. Don’t forget to join our Life Leap Club,
offering free masterclasses, coaching and a community
that will support you, champion you and cheer you on.

LET’S BE BRAVE TOGETHER! WE RUN A FIRST-CLASS COACHING CLUB AND MEMBERSHIP IS FREE TO ALL OUR SUBSCRIBERS. WE’RE

58 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
IN IT TOGETHER! LEAP INTO A BETTER LIFE AT PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK/LIFE-LEAP-CLUB-NEW-SUBSCRIBERS
Dossier

Brave new
you in 2019
How would life be different if you learned to flex your
courage muscles? Anita Chaudhuri investigates

R
ecently, I attended an event about living your or economic status. Oh, and she was named by Oprah
dream life, a topic that usually ignites my Winfrey as being her all-time favourite out of 37,000 guests.
interest. But, that morning, my inner grinch Trent had overcome obstacles of unimaginable magnitude.
was out in force. ‘Yeah, yeah, heard it all before. And here I was, with every comfort and opportunity, somehow
Life’s not that simple, is it?’ 2018 had felt like a long year, and I unwilling to show up for my dreams. Catastrophising and
was frustrated about all the things I hadn’t got round to doing. procrastinating had become my defaults. Why? I’m not proud
The speaker was Tererai Trent, a to admit this, but I was scared. Yet, what
leading voice in women’s empowerment. on earth did I have to fear? I wasn’t fleeing
Five minutes in, an unexpected emotion “As humans, an abusive marriage or scavenging to feed
engulfed me; humility. Trent, who grew
up in rural Zimbabwe, had yearned to go
we’re wired five hungry children. Author and founder
of the Courage Academy, Margie Warrell,
to school, but it was forbidden because of for comfort, to understands my predicament. ‘Avoiding risk
her gender. At 14, she was married off in stick with the doesn’t make us more secure, it makes us
exchange for a cow. ‘A frickin’ cow!’ By
familiar. We
less so. It sounds counterintuitive, doesn’t
21, now living with a violent husband and it? As humans, we’re wired for comfort, to
pregnant with her fifth child, an NGO love certainty” stick with the familiar. We love certainty.
worker asked: ‘What are your dreams?’ So, when it comes to making a big decision,
No one had ever posed this question to her like whether you go for a new job, move to
before. ‘I want to go to America, get a degree, then a PhD.’ another country or get into a relationship, we are all going
Given her lack of schooling and the fact that she’d never to be focused far more on what could go wrong, than right.
seen a plane, this sounded improbable. Yet, through sheer Our brains are more sensitive to potential losses than gains.’
courage and perseverance, she achieved it all, and more. That immediately makes me feel better. I realise that I’ve
IMAGES: GRANDFAILURE/GETTY IMAGES

been focusing on worst-case scenarios to an unhelpful degree.

SHE HAD A DREAM
Spellbound, I listened to her recount how she had struggled
to feed her children and take her O levels by correspondence.
Her mother, a subsistence farmer, would secretly squirrel
away money to cover the exam fees. Eventually, eight long
years later, she was offered a place at Oklahoma University.
She now runs a foundation that aims to provide universal
access to education for all children, regardless of gender
If I go ahead with renovating my home, what if the costs spiral
out of control or it leads to war with my neighbours? What if
I sign up for a photography foundation course, the first step
towards a degree, and I’m not good enough? What if I accept
an invitation to go on holiday next summer with people I don’t
know well and then I don’t enjoy it? I’m shocked to realise how
much time I’ve been spending in the land of ‘what if?’ Now,
I’m learning it’s not a personal failing; all humans are like >>>

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Dossier

this. ‘Exactly,’ says Warrell. ‘No one is wired to do brave unimpressed and soon a new list was created including
things. But we have to overcome that fear in order to preserve doing stand-up comedy and chatting up men on the train.
our safety. And, when I talk about safety, I really mean our What’s refreshing – and hilarious – about Power’s efforts
sense of identity that comes from the approval of others.’ is that she is truly terrified – and vicariously, so are we. ‘The
stand-up was like an out-of-body experience,’ she confides.
THE APPROVAL TRAP ‘I did a weekend course that culminated in an open-mic
Psychotherapist Julie Leoni agrees. ‘Many of the women I see performance at a pub. The risk of humiliation in front of others
stay in their comfort zones because it suits those around them cuts to the heart. By the time I was standing in the spotlight,
– partner, parents or family. We thrive on approval and if we I was so petrified that I had exhausted myself. I started talking,
change something, we fear we might incur disapproval.’ It’s went through the routine I’d written and waited for some kind
an idea that resonates. For example, I realised I’d fallen into of panic attack to kick in, but it didn’t. I couldn’t believe it but
the trap of joining in when friends habitually complained people laughed and, seven minutes later, I sat down again.’
about work/the housing market/available single men. So, you might be forgiven for thinking that a contrived
Largely, I was doing so in the spirit of exercise such as this wouldn’t have much
bonding, not because any of it was true “Every time you impact on the rest of a person’s life, but it
of my own life. Leoni made me realise
that, far from being harmless, it could take action in did. ‘I’d never felt prouder of myself,’ says
Power. ‘It was like I’d crossed some kind
actually be inhibiting me from moving the presence of major line. Most people would never do
into the next chapter of my life. Some
members of my ‘complaining cohort’
of your fears, that in a million years, and I had not only
done it, I’d done it well. I learned that I was
may not like it if I changed my script to: you are actually capable of more than I thought I was.’
‘Life is pretty brilliant, actually.’
‘Often, we look to the outside for
building up to take Referring to certain behaviour as
being ‘like a muscle’ has become a trope
something to come along and help us braver actions” of self-help literature but, when it comes
change, like waiting for the prince to to courage, the comparison is useful.
come to the rescue in a fairy tale. Courage isn’t an attribute. ‘Every time you take action in the presence of your fears, you
We all have it but we need to practise it, and it starts from are actually building up to take braver actions,’ says Warrell.
within,’ says Leoni. Again, I see the truth of this. I was waiting ‘When you’re practising, even if it’s saying “no” to an
for something to happen that would force me to step out of my invitation or speaking up in a meeting, it helps to build up our
comfort zone, rather than making it happen for myself. tolerance for emotional risk-taking. It means that when we do
Did I really need to change though? Might it not be less have to face big things, we’re more confident in our abilities.
stressful to opt for an easy life? ‘Playing it safe actually chips It’s about getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.’
away at your sense of confidence,’ counters Warrell. ‘When
I talk about being brave, I’m not referring to things that FLEXING YOUR COURAGE MUSCLES
totally terrify us, just actions that make us feel vulnerable The notion that bravery can be practised is actually derived
and may make us risk a sense of impostor syndrome. When from the ancient Greeks. ‘Aristotle put forward the theory of
we take those chances and back ourselves, we learn that there being extremes of behaviour. If you have cowardice at
we’re capable of more than we thought. Even when our risks one end and rashness at the other, then courage is the virtue
don’t land well, we always learn something.’ that sits in perfect balance with the two,’ explains Polly Morland,
author of The Society Of Timid Souls (Profile, £8.99). ‘Each of
STILL LEAPING IN SPITE OF FEAR the virtues – qualities for living your best life – is something
Writer Marianne Power discovered this when she was you repeat and practise; it’s not an afternoon’s work. It opens
conducting an experiment for her book Help Me! (Picador, up an interesting way of thinking about courage.’
£12.99). ‘The idea was to live according to a different self-help Morland’s book contains stunning stories of people who
book each month. I started with Feel The Fear And Do It have acted with true heroism, from the theatre of war to the
Anyway by Susan Jeffers (Ebury, £6.99), committing to doing performing arts. ‘Running into a burning building to rescue
one scary thing every day in January. Initially, I wrote down a child isn’t the point,’ she says. ‘Bravery is understanding
“answering the phone” and “opening bank statements” that we all live with a level of fear about certain circumstances.
because I am scared of those things.’ But her friends were There are some things that will make us feel sad or that >>>

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Dossier

compromise us personally, professionally or romantically.
So, a first step to practising would be to investigate what you’re
anxious about and think about courage as a way of life, rather
than a single brave deed. See it as responding to fear as it comes
up in your life with something other than inertia or paralysis.’
What comes up for me is anxiety around
upsetting the people I love. I’m perfectly good
at confronting people about, say, poor
“Think about
customer service. But the friend who is always courage as
30 minutes late? The prospect of saying a way of life,
situations talked a lot about fear. It’s about how you respond
to it. Can you find a way of metabolising it? It doesn’t need to
be anything heroic, more about reacting in a dynamic way
that begins to deal with it and stops you being paralysed by it.’
This idea of paralysis describes exactly how I’ve been
feeling lately. Having gone through a
turbulent few years, 2018 offered me
the first period of real consolidation.
Yet, I’d got so accustomed to warding off
impending disaster, I hadn’t got the memo

something brings me out in a cold sweat.
TIME TO BITE THE BULLET
On a mission to build up my courage muscles,
the next time she turns up late, with a
dramatic apology, I gently tackle her about
her behaviour. I’d love to say it led to a wonderful, healing
discussion, but it was hideous. She looked hurt and became
quite huffy. But the next time we met, she arrived early.
Emboldened, by the end of the week, I turned down a trip to
see a play I had no interest in and had a difficult conversation
with a family member. ‘Figuring out where to push against
your comfort zone is key,’ says Morland. ‘What matters most
to you? What is your value system? Ask yourself what you
want to achieve this year – personally, romantically, within
your family, your working life, your social life and your
recreational life. And abandon the idea that being brave is
about having no fear. Everyone I interviewed in extreme
rather than
that it was safe to be brave again. I put the
question to Warrell. Is there a ‘right’ time
just a single to be courageous? ‘Yes. When we’re going
brave deed” through something big, it takes a lot of
emotional and physical energy. We need
a lot of social support, so we may not want
to change those structures in those times.’
Her advice made me feel better about my self-imposed
stasis. My hesitancy had been for good reason. I took out
the book that Trent had signed for me months before.
In it, she had inscribed a single African word, tinogona;
it is achievable. ‘Tinogona’ I said out loud that Monday
morning. Then, taking a deep breath, I picked up the
phone and signed up for the course, the holiday and
talked to a builder. Far from feeling stressed, finally
taking action made me feel calmer than I’d felt in years.
To support the Tererai Trent Foundation, buy ‘Your Dream Life Starts Here’ by
Kristina Karlsson (Blackwells, £12.99). Karlsson will donate $1 for each copy sold

How to be brave
Margie Warrell’s wisdom on feeling the fear, yet still finding the courage to take action

1 IDENTIFY WHAT to allow fear, rather than What payoff would I need

5 HAVE THE

4
YOU ARE SO my unique talents, to be to give up to do this? COURAGE TO

3
AFRAID OF. Then, the deciding factor? ACCEPT WHAT
imagine your worst fear WE’RE SCARED TO YOU CANNOT CHANGE.
coming to fruition and COURAGE IS MAKE A CHANGE. Sometimes the bravest
breathe through it. How ABOUT TAKING This is because thing we can do is to walk

2
would you handle it? RESPONSIBILITY we worry about what away from something that
FOR YOUR OWN LIFE. ‘everybody’ will think. But isn’t working, whether it’s
FEAR OF FAILURE Ask yourself: in which psychologists have found a relationship or a project.
IS A COMMON situations have I cast that our ‘everybody’ is You’ll have the energy to
OBSTACLE TO people as villains or usually five or six people! move on to something new.
PURSUING YOUR DREAMS. myself as a victim? What Practise thinking ‘so what?’ Sign up for Margie Warrell’s
‘Train The Brave Challenge’ at
Ask yourself: am I willing other story could I tell? when this thought arises. margiewarrell.com/train-the-brave

64 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 65
Dossier

Create your own

Life Leap Club
Don’t just sit there! Build a supportive, kind,
inspirational community of your own, says
Suzy Walker, Psychologies Editor-in-Chief

W
e’ve been running the Life
Leap Club – our VIP coaching
club with podcasts, workbooks
and interviews with the best
self-development experts in the world, free to all
subscribers – for a year now, and I feel really
privileged to be part of such a kind, supportive
and uplifting community.
It all started with our 47 ambassadors – I would
like to say a huge thank you to them for leading
from the front, for welcoming our newcomers and
for creating such an incredibly brilliant tribe.
AN INVITATION TO YOU
Digital communities can be wonderful, but research
has shown that people are happier when they are
with others – even if they are introverts. With all
the unrest and division in the world at the moment,
“I adore being an ambassador.
we want to encourage you to create a safe, respectful
and kind space where you can gently support each
other to build the lives you really want.
This year, we are looking to evolve our Life Leap
Club and would like to urge you all to start your own
face-to-face Life Leap Clubs to experiment with how
you can put happiness – yours and other people’s
– at the heart of your philosophy. It’s about being
the change we want to see in the world.
STRENGTH IN NUMBERS
So, what’s the goal? To help create a genuinely
happier society by providing a place for people to
connect once a month to talk about how we can
survive and thrive in the world – no matter what.
It’s about listening, caring and having a laugh!
How does it work? Every month, invite your
friends, family or people you would like to get
to know, and form your own Life Leap Club to
discuss our monthly Dossier content and coaching

I’ve made so many amazing

questions. Commit to making small changes
that will help you and others feel happier.
new friends here – some Decide who you would like to invite to your club
IMAGE: GRANDFAILURE/GETTY IMAGES

I’ve met, others I’ve talked – maybe it’s a buddy you can talk to, or perhaps you
want to run it like a book club, where you gather
to on the phone. I love this together a group of friends to discuss the theme

group and it feels like such of the month. You may even want to create a group
where you get to know new people and congregate
a safe place to talk freely” one weekend morning each month in a cafe.
HAULWEN Arrange a suitable date and time. The magazine

66 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
“I love being an ambassador. Big little leaps
This forum has allowed Fear, failure and small steps to growth
me so many interesting
discussions. I’m very grateful EACH MONTH, we will give you a series of questions

to Psychologies and really

to discuss with your new tribe of people in your Life
Leap Club. Pose the questions, then listen to the
want to continue” answers, without interrupting. Create the space
NICOLA to really hear what other people are saying…

comes out every four weeks, towards the end of

the month, so organise a time soon after that. Next,
read our themed Dossier – covering everything from
1 Describe your
comfort zone. How
does it make you feel?
4 When did you
make a life leap
and fail miserably?

2
decluttering and taking back control to finding your What did you learn?

5
purpose and making a fresh start, then download our When was the last
workbooks and life-coaching wheels from our online time you made When did you
Life Leap Club, and commit to making some tweaks to a leap out of your make a life leap
your life that will take you in the direction you want comfort zone? How and succeed? What did
to travel in 2019. Getting support and encouragement did it make you feel? you learn from this?

3 6
from your group will only help you.
If you subscribe to Psychologies, you will also receive What feels like How can you make
access to the Life Leap Club digital community, a leap too far? five brave baby
workbooks, podcasts and free coaching. All you How do you know when steps in the next month?
need to do is turn to page 74 for our fantastic you’ve reached the What are they and what
subscription offer this month. limit of your leap? support do you need?

F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 67
Dossier

68 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
 “I replaced pain and
cruelty with happiness
and achievement”
The day Christine Clayfield, author of No Fourth River,
decided to be brave was the turning point in her life
INTERVIEW RIN HAMBURGH PHOTOGRAPH LEANNE BRACEY
F
rom the age of five, I was
constantly surrounded by fear
– fear of being laughed at, fear of
being put down, even fear of talking
to people. It started when I was sent to
boarding school. I used to wet the bed
and, the first night it happened, I knocked
on the nuns’ door to ask for help. Instead,
they made me do the ‘walk of shame’,
carrying a bundle of wet sheets through all
the dormitories as they announced, ‘Make
way for the bed-wetter,’ and encouraged
the children to laugh and shout horrible
things. That happened regularly.
I grew into a rebellious teenager and
spent a lot of time in bars drinking to forget
the despair and dread. That’s where I met
my first husband, who turned out to be a
violent man. It was only when he beat me
HAIR AND MAKE-UP: OLIVIA MCLEAN
into a coma that things changed. I knew I
couldn’t go back – if I did, I would die. So,
I decided: ‘That’s it! No one is ever going to
hurt me again and no one is ever going
to laugh at me again.’ In that moment, I
started to peel away the layers of misery,
pain and cruelty and replace them with
happiness, success and achievement.
The first thing I did was start to read
books about achievement; about how to
think highly of yourself. I got into sport
and found myself succeeding. I won a
long-distance swimming competition and
realised, ‘I am not a useless person like the
nuns, my dad and my husband told me.’ I
decided to take the principles I used in
sport – my determination to keep going
– and apply them to everything in my life.
That’s when I discovered I was a really
good business person. Since then, I’ve had
many different businesses and have
always made them successful.
I think, in order to be brave, you need
to be able to use the things that have
happened in your past and change them
into good things for your future. Whatever
your past has been, don’t blame it for who
you are today. Try and find something
positive in it. I think that’s the only
possible way to get over those things,
be brave and turn everything around.
‘No Fourth River’ by Christine Clayfield (Rasc
Publishing, £10.94); nofourthriver.com
F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 69
Dossier

Test
What are you
really afraid of?
Is fear holding you back? Take our test to find out
what’s keeping you stuck in your comfort zone,
and what needs to change for courage to flourish

1 A friend suggests you

both quit your jobs to go
travelling. What worry is most
◊◆ Anything that might cause
disapproval from someone else
♥ Anything that you don’t feel
■ You should have agreed to
do it in the first place
♥ The guests thought it was
likely to hold you back? you can do well enough good enough

5
♥ Not having enough time to plan it ◆ Your friend was happy with it

9
◊ Telling family, friends or your boss
◆ You feel bravest when:
l Feeling unconfident about ♥ You’re doing something You’re most likely to
meeting new people you know you’re good at do something outside
■ Whether you will regret giving ◊ You’re helping someone else
◆ of your comfort zone if:
up your job l You know you have support ♥ It’s important for your career

2
■ You have no choice and have to ◊ You’d be letting people down
◆

6
You secretly admire by not doing it
people who: You would find it easier to l No one knew you were doing it
■ Can instantly make decisions make big changes if you: ■ You knew it was the right thing

10
♥ Just get on with things ■ Could just decide what to do first
◊ Never worry about what other
◆ ♥ Could trust it will all work out OK Having more
people think ◊ Wouldn’t upset anyone
◆ confidence would
l Have unlimited self-confidence l Had more confidence in yourself have the most impact on your:

3 7
◊ Personal relationships
◆
When you have an When you ruminate about l Social life
WORDS: SALLY BROWN. IMAGES: GRANDFAILURE/GETTY IMAGES

important decision the past, you fret about: ■ Peace of mind

to make, you tend to: ♥ Times you messed something up ♥ Personal growth
♥ Overthink every possibility ◊ Upsetting people or letting
◆
l Battle with self-doubt them down
Circle the answers that
◊ Ask everyone for their opinion
◆ l Being awkward or looking stupid
most closely apply to you,
■ Exist in a state of high anxiety ■ Whether you’ve really made the
then add up the symbols.

4
right decisions Read the section (or

8
Which of these daily sections – sometimes
events triggers stress You’re asked to make a there is more than one)
or anxiety for you? speech at a friend’s party. you circled most, to find
■ Anything that involves a choice Afterwards, you’re most likely out what’s stopping you
l Things that could draw attention to think about whether: from chasing your goals.
to you l People could tell you were nervous >>>

70 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 71
Dossier
Your inertia stems from your fear of…
IF YOU SCORED MAINLY ♥
Failure
It’s not easy to admit when fear of failure is holding
you back and you can come up with legitimate
reasons why it’s not the right time to put your plans
and dreams into action. But, if you keep stalling,
chances are you’re afraid of failure. Is there an
undermining voice in your head saying you can’t
cope with challenges, or you’ll make a mess of them?
Procrastination can also keep you stuck, but it’s
not due to laziness. You’re more likely to be sabotaged
by over-preparing, or a feeling that everything has
to be perfect first. There is logic to fear of failure;
we evolved with ‘better safe than sorry’ brains to
keep us safe in our caves. But, if we always play it
safe, we miss out on the chance to prove to ourselves
that we won’t fail, or that we can cope if we do.
Deep down, you know that making mistakes is
part of how you grow. Break down your plans into
baby steps; treat each as an experiment rather than
fixating on getting it right; an information-gathering
process to be approached with a curious mind.
IF YOU SCORED MAINLY ●
Social exposure
Worrying what others think is a powerful barrier,
keeping us in our comfort zone and undermining
our bravery. Do you ever feel so hijacked by self-
consciousness that it’s hard to make decisions? Social
anxiety can go hand in hand with being self-critical
and, when your mental focus is on your faults, it’s easy
to think other people’s is too, and they are just waiting
for you to mess up. Yes, some people are judgemental
but not all – many have a compassionate approach and
look for the best in others. Some may be too focused
on their own issues to critique your social skills.
You’re torn between needing the security of routine,
and craving the excitement of something new. If you
were bullied at school, staying in the shadows feels
safe, but part of you knows that you have more to do.
Working in a team, or with a supportive friend, can
help break down the barriers that you create in your
mind between yourself and the rest of the world. It may
also help to turn your focus outwards and think about
who else can benefit from changes you want to make.
72 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
IF YOU SCORED MAINLY ◆
Disapproval
When you’re conscientious, it’s second nature to put
others’ needs before your own. You don’t hesitate to
help people get their plans off the ground but that
leaves little time for your projects. Do you really want
to do everything you say yes to? The price we pay for
ignoring our needs is often resentment or low mood.
You may have grown up with expectations of
being ‘good’; following the rules. Compassion and
supportiveness are great qualities but always focusing
on others can come at the cost of your own satisfaction.
Is there a voice inside you that wonders if there’s more
to life? Time to listen! If you’ve grown up with a ‘don’t
make a fuss’ message, it’s hard to change. Chances are
you’ve also internalised a critical voice, keeping you in
line and making sure you don’t expect too much.
You know it’s time to prioritise yourself; to dream,
experiment and potentially mess up in the process.
You’ve put a lot of energy into making sure you’re
approved of – imagine what you could achieve if you
directed it towards your dreams, plans or passions?
IF YOU SCORED MAINLY ■
Decision-making
Even tiny decisions tie you in a knot of overthinking as
you consider all that may go wrong. No wonder you feel
paralysed. You envy people who make quick decisions
and seem not to care about the consequences. For you,
even the thought of a bad decision creates fear.
‘Decidophobics’ can organise life to minimise
decision-making; having a signature ‘look’ so they
wear the same clothes, eat the same food, or stay in a
job or relationship they’ve outgrown. You ruminate
over past choices, particularly ‘wrong’ ones, which
undermines your confidence until you believe
you’re no good at decision-making. But you do make
decisions, one of which is to stay in your comfort zone!
Ask a supportive friend to help you mind-map
your choices. Or try visualisation – imagining in
detail that you have made a good decision can boost
your confidence. It may help to create deadlines by
which decisions must be made, even if you’re still
unsure. Sometimes, there is no right decision, you
just need to take action and enjoy the adventure.
F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 73
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l p88 The Journey Ali Roff learns to let go l p90 Wholistic woman Henrietta Norton on PMS l p94 Real Wellness

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EDITED BY EMINÉ RUSHTON

“Take care of your body. It’s the

only place you have to live
”
JIM ROHN
PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES

F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 77
The plan
#360me

Every month, the #360me team will be sharing our baby-steps approach
to leading a healthier, happier life – expert-endorsed and real-life approved
”
Don’t surrender
all your joy for
an idea you used
to have about “
yourself that isn’t
true any more
CHERYL STRAYED

CAN I BOOST WORK WELLNESS?
Each month, we raise a topic for the consideration
of medical doctor Hazel Wallace, who gives us her
balanced, research-backed and definitive explanation
BATHE IT
BETTER
‘I’ve long championed the benefits of
natural salt baths; our bodies soak up
minerals through our skin (transdermal

Q I have a high-
pressure job
● Use your commute

for fitness by walking all

and work 50 hours a
week, most of them
sedentary. How can I
safeguard my health?
When we’re time poor,
our health is often last
on our list of priorities
– but there are ways of
keeping healthy at work:
hour before bedtime.
● Practise square, or
or part of the journey. box, breathing to counter
● ‘Lunch share’ with a stress: breathe in for a
colleague, taking turns count of four, hold for
to make nourishing four, out for four and hold
meals for each other. for four. Repeat. Hazel
● Get a good night’s Wallace @thefoodmedic
sleep. Screens negatively ‘The Food Medic For Life:
Easy Recipes To Help You
affect your sleep cycle. Live Well Every Day’ by Hazel
Switch off all devices an Wallace (Yellow Kite, £20)
absorption) – a wonderful way to
replenish those minerals that are most
commonly depleted, such as magnesium
and potassium. These sleep-supporting
salts, with 84 trace minerals, are laced
with lavender, jasmine and rosewood,
alongside hydrating safflower and
jojoba oil – for soft skin and a
restored body.’ Eminé

SHARE YOUR #360ME JOURNEY

FOLLOW US #360me @eminerushton

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78 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
 the plan

#360me
body
Gently transformative ideas
for a happier mind and body

#360 LOVES...
Three body-wise books to
broaden your knowledge

OUT OF THE
DARKNESS
‘Don’t allow the long wintry nights
to lower your activity levels. Wrap
up warm, put on your boots, get
outside and swap your evening lull
for a brisk, energising walk. Exercise
not only boosts your mood, it also
strengthens your heart, lungs and
bones, and lowers blood pressure
– plus a moonlit stomp will make
your nights feel more expansive.’
Hollie Grant, Fitness Editor
@thepilatesPT
SHAKE IT OFF
“If you want to change how you feel, move! When
your thinking gets sticky, shift your mood with
PHOTOGRAPHS: GETTY IMAGES; ALAMY
10 million
DEMYSTIFYING
THE FEMALE
BRAIN by Sarah
McKay (Orion
Spring, £14.99) The
neuroscientist looks
The National Institute for Health
at the workings of
and Care Excellence suggests that the female brain, with relation to our
around 10 million people in the UK hormones in particular. Fascinating.
could be at risk of vitamin D
deficiency – that’s one in five
QUENCH by Gina
adults and one in six children. If Bria and Dana Cohen
you’re concerned about your levels, (Hachette, £20)
natural health supplements brand One of the most
Better You offers a home-testing kit interesting health
and service for £32.95. betteryou. books around – and
it’s not as elementary
com/vitamin-d-testing-service
as eight glasses of water a day. The
authors study the hydration success
of desert cultures, and how to get the
water you need through food.
FEED YOUR SOUL
by Carly Pollack (New
World Library, £12.99)

a walk around the block to blow out the cobwebs, or do some ‘If we are brave and
vulnerable enough
‘chicken wing’ shoulder rolls (the silly name helps me remember
EDITED BY: ELIZABETH BENNETT.

to look more deeply

this one). Place your fingertips on your shoulders and, as you at what needs to be

breathe in, sweep your elbows forward and up and, as you healed, we will have success eliminating
negative behaviour at its root,’ she writes.
exhale, out and down. This opens your chest and allows deeper, A clever, engaging and truthful read.

more restorative breaths” Suzy Reading, Mind Editor @suzyreading

F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 79
 spirit
Lift your spirit with these
great finds and useful insights
TRAIN YOUR BRAIN
Researchers at the University of California, Irvine and
Japan’s University of Tsukuba found a link between exercise

TALKING and memory function. The study* found that even very light
workouts for short periods of time, including yoga and tai chi,
POINT can increase the connectivity between parts of the brain

“Mindfulness teacher Amy responsible for memory formation and storage.

Malloy sought a way to help

people who need the support
of therapy, but who cannot
afford it. She designed a top CONSCIOUS
that encourages the wearer CONSUMERISM
to slow down and breathe
(when placing their hands The Divine
‘You know an online store is getting
it right when you pop in for “research
over its stars) – and the sale Matrix by
Gregg Braden purposes” and resurface with a clutch
of every 10 sweaters directly (Hay House,
£12.99) of purchases! Ethical.market is a
funds a private therapy haven for fairly traded, sustainably

session for someone in need made goods, with a lovely offering

(via an accredited clinic)” Eminé

CAN YOU of organic, vegan and eco-conscious
items. From crafts and beauty
IMAGINE… products to fashion and homeware,
‘Gregg Braden’s enlightening it’s a fab, conscience-clear collection.’
book, with the subtitle @eminerushton @ethical.market
Bridging Time, Space,
Miracles, And Belief explains Upcycled Elephant
Branded goods, from
the ‘missing link’ between our £15, ethical.market
imagination and our reality,
and how we can access it
through our words and belief
systems. I would heartily
recommend it to anyone
wanting to feel empowered
to create a healthy, happy and
‘Breathe’ raglan top, £45,
fulfilling life.’ Larah Davies,
nomoreshoulds.com Spirit Editor @ibizaretreats

80 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
 the plan

#360me
mind
This month’s food for thought... Tell
us how you get on by using #360me

3,600
A study by the Barcelona Institute for
**
IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND
“No time for self-care? Work with your breath – you’re
Global Health found that people who
commute through natural environments doing it anyway! Try this practice with your hands: as
on a regular basis report better mental you breathe in, open your hands, stretching out your
health. The survey of 3,600 participants
fingers and palms. As you breathe out, make a gentle
from four European cities found that
respondents who travelled past natural fist. Repeat six times, feeling how the movement of
surroundings every day had a 2.74 point your hands is echoed by your ribcage. Opening the
higher score for wellbeing, on average, hands creates a sense of expansion, and closing them
than those who commuted through
nature less often. The happiness effect
engages the diaphragm, cultivating a more complete
was even stronger among ‘active exhalation. Notice that when you breathe better, you
commuters’, that is, walkers and cyclists. feel better” Suzy Reading, Mind Editor @suzyreading
”
PODCASTS Do your little bit of
WE LOVE good where you are;
RELEASES/2018/09/180924153424.HTM; **SCIENCEDAILY.COM/
PHOTOGRAPHS: GETTY IMAGES; ALAMY. *SCIENCEDAILY.COM/

Captivating listening to heal

the spirit and energise the mind
it’s those little bits of “
● POTENTIAL PSYCHOLOGY
good put together that
overwhelm the world
RELEASES/2018/10/181018095349.HTM

by Ellen Jackson
‘I find this podcast series
inspirational and full of DESMOND TUTU
practical wisdom to help us
achieve our goals and fulfil “When you feel anxious or upset by the state of the
world, this quote is a reminder that each of us, with
our potential.’ Suzy Reading;
even our tiniest actions, can change the status quo” 
potential.com.au/podcast
Kat Farrants, Yoga Editor @MFML_

F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 81

A GUT NIGHT’S SLEEP
“Did you know that our gut microbiome
is sensitive to a lack of decent shut-eye?
Research shows that the composition of our gut bacteria
can be jolted from just one night of tossing and turning
because they work on a circadian rhythm, too. Limiting
sensory overload before you retire and creating bedtime
rituals will do wonders for your mind and your gut health.
I recommend ‘The Circadian Code’ by Satchin Panda
(Ebury Publishing, £12.99) for revolutionary insight into
circadian rhythms and their effect on our bodily processes”
Eve Kalinik, Nutrition Editor @evekalinik
Omega 3
Diets rich in fish oil could slow the
spread of breast cancer cells.*
An experiment suggested that
omega-3 fatty acids, typically found
in fish oil, could halt the formation of
further tumours in patients. Experts
think this is because omega-3 fatty
acids can support the body’s immune
and anti-inflammatory systems.
82 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
gut
Nurture your gut health for
an overall feeling of wellbeing
Pistachio, Raspberry & Coconut
and Coconut & Vanilla bars,
£1.99 each, ombar.co.uk
NUTS FOR CHOC
‘We’re introducing plant-based options
into our children’s diet, which feels like
a natural shift the more we learn about
the heaviness of our collective farming
footprint. These bars, with the delightful
addition of Pistachio flavour, are organic
and blend raw cacao with creamed
coconut and coconut sugar. Yum!’ Eminé
CARRY A CUPPA
‘I always drink hot water – from an
Ayurvedic perspective, it’s kinder to the
digestive system as its temperature is
closer to that of your gut. I carry a flask
with me when travelling and favour
stainless steel ones as they remove the
plastic footprint, keep water hot for up
to 12 hours and are easy to clean. Try
Zojirushi, S’well or Thermos. Catherine
Turner, Wellbeing Editor @catherineyogi

CARROT AND POPPY SEED WAFFLES
Kids will love this healthy and tasty alternative to bland shop-bought waffles, says Lucinda Miller in ‘The Good
Stuff’ (Short Books, £20). Fussy eaters won’t spot the carrot and the poppy seeds boost calcium, iron and zinc levels.
MAKES 5-6 WAFFLES
l 200g porridge oats
l1 tbsp coconut sugar or
light muscovado sugar
l 1 tsp baking powder
l 1 tbsp black or white
poppy seeds
l Pinch of fine sea salt
l1 medium carrot, peeled
and grated
l 200ml whole milk
l 120ml plain Greek yogurt
l 3 free-range eggs
l Coconut or olive oil, for
greasing the waffle maker
LUCINDA MILLER; GETTY IMAGES; ALAMY. *SCIENCEDAILY.COM/
PHOTOGRAPHS: ANDREW BURTON FROM ‘THE GOOD STUFF’ BY
RELEASES/2018/10/181016110116.HTM
the plan
#360me
1 Preheat the oven to sugar, baking powder, careful not to overfill it
180°C (160°C fan), gas poppy seeds and salt, or the mixture will pour
mark 4 and lightly before adding the grated out of the sides. Close
grease the waffle maker carrot, along with the the lid and let the waffle
with a little coconut or milk and yogurt. cook until it is golden
olive oil, using a piece 4 Add one egg at a brown on both sides
of kitchen paper. time, beating well – about 2 minutes.
2 Measure the oats into after each addition 6 Remove from the
a food processor and until all the ingredients waffle maker and place
blitz for about 1 minute, are combined. on a baking tray. At this
or until they reach a 5 Turn your waffle stage, the waffle will be
flour-like consistency. maker to the highest quite soft, so pop it into
3 Transfer the oats to a setting and pour a the oven for 5 minutes
large bowl and stir in the ladleful of the mixture to crisp up. Repeat until
coconut, or muscovado, into the lower plate. Be you have 5-6 waffles.
F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 83
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or call our helpline on 0845 608 5858. Echinaforce ®

Echinacea drops and tablets

Traditional herbal remedy for symptomatic relief of colds,
influenza type infections and similar upper respiratory
3988 tract conditions. Always read the leaflet.

This month, Eminé
Rushton reflects on
a crucial life lesson,
the danger of DIY, and the mufflers
that drown out your own urgent pleas
You do it
to yourself
T he cracked step four years ago was the
start of it. That day, I awoke tired
– the children were tiny and needing so much
– and I had a golden afternoon of rest ahead, my mother
stepping in to allow me to catch up on my sleep.
I dropped them off and drove home – the sun shining
and my bed beckoning. As I crossed the threshold of
our home, I caught sight of the deep crack beneath
my feet, a corner of the flagstone having fallen away.
First things last
Without thinking, I turned around, walked back to the car
and drove to a DIY store. Four hours later, I had all the tools,
had mixed my own cement, filled in the crack (and four
others while I was at it) and repaired the foundation.
Perfect. As I stood up to take a photo of my handiwork,
I realised that I was trembling. I’d forgotten to eat; had
foregone my shot at a deliriously long nap, too, as my
children were already on their way home. That soak… that
sleep… that delicious, slow-cooked meal – those promises to
self, that had buoyed me up during that tireless week – broken,
because I had focused, instead, on the crack in the step.
Suddenly, everything started to hurt. My head, my throat,
PHOTOGRAPH: STOCKSY
my back. I couldn’t stop shaking. What I learned then is that
when we break the promises we make to our bodies, they
will not be silenced. When we swear that we’ll sleep as soon
as we finish the urgent project; that we’ll rest the moment
the open mind
#360me
we finish the fixing; that we’ll lie down once the children
settle – and when we repeatedly renege on those avowals
– our body takes matters into its own hands. This is when
we overstretch to the point of breaking; overwork and
overthink to the point of breaking down. Ironically, for
many of us, it is only when we have no choice – when our
minds are overruled by our bodies, and we fall ill – that we
learn to listen. For me, when that crack ended in a hospital
stay which sent me to bed for two unmoving weeks while
my body worked to clear two different infections, the lesson
is ever present. I did it to myself – a whole twisted spin on
DIY. I wish I could say that it was the last time, too.
Sadly though, it took another two ridiculous DIY
projects, and their subsequent bouts of deep depletion,
for the message to finally get through – a poem learned
by heart, only through continual recital. The cracks will
never be fully filled, nor the foundation rock solid. An
earthquake or storm, a fierce frost or tectonic shift, and
we tumble. Focus, then, on your own inner core – the
feeding of that light, that fire and that strength. Sod
the stain, the crack, the dust, the pile – not all broken
things can be put back together again.
Wellbeing Director-at-Large
F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 85
 1
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F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 87
 Falling
away
Ali Roff looks back on a
year of letting go and takes
stock of what has been
cultivated in that new space

O ver the past year, in this column and my

own life, I’ve challenged every place in
which the word ‘should’ comes up, and
so many of you have joined me; messaging me on
Instagram or via email to say how much you resonate
with the pressures you feel to follow a path that’s set
out for us by society, the media and the generations
before us. From careers and relationships, to our
mental health, together we’ve stared our ‘shoulds’
dead in the eye and observed how the pressure to think of me – and one huge example of this has been
conform to an idea of how things should be actually the letting go of a friendship that for years I had
holds us back from the things we want or need to felt I should hold onto, but knew in my heart was
create in our lives. no longer alive and had sadly grown toxic.
I’ve also invited things into my life that in the past
The ties that bind would not have been on my carefully followed agenda
It has been a real journey for me – I’ve let things – taking a month out to fly across the world and train
go that I realised I was holding onto for the sake of to be a yoga teacher, for example (my rigidly academic
others – or worse, for the sake of what others might ‘shoulds’ didn’t like that one too much).
But this experience taught me so much about myself
and my life and, without it, I wouldn’t have launched
my retreat company The Remedy Retreats – something
Have you freed your spirit? that I’d only ever dreamed of. And sure, it’s not what
● It’s been a rollercoaster ● What have you released most people do with their weekends, but it’s where I’m
taking stock of the past year, yourself from? meant to be right now.
and realising just how much ● What has that new freedom Buddhism teaches that the root of suffering is
I have freed myself from. If invited into your life? attachment – our desire for certain things, or for
you’ve been following this ● What have you created? our situation to be a certain way. So, what are you
column, even for only part You might be surprised attached to? Material things that you believe will
of the journey, ask yourself: by what you discover. make you happy? All of us have a few. Delicious food?

88 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
 the journey

#360me
“
Tip
Don’t be satisfied of the
month
with stories;
how things have EXUDE GOOD VIBRATIONS
gone with others. “ If January is the gloomiest month,
Unfold your all the more reason to spread some
own myth love! Try this loving-kindness
RUMI mindfulness practice to cultivate
compassion: On your way to work,
Your need for a loving relationship – or to be or ambling around the supermarket,
loved? What about the idea you have of yourself,
and of who you are? As we move through the breathe into and connect with your
teachings of Buddhism, the place from which heart space. As you walk past
mindfulness was born, we learn of the ‘eight-fold
path’. Essentially, it’s the path to enlightenment people, send love or kindness to
– a word which can come across as a little ethereal them; maybe a silent well-wish, like
or evangelical. But ‘enlighten’ simply means to
‘put light’ on something. ‘I wish you happiness’. A mood boost
In Buddhism and mindfulness, we can see this is only a few well-wishes away.
as focusing and using our awareness. So, with that
in mind, the first step on this eight-fold path is to
cultivate ‘the right view’ or samma ditthi, which
is to observe the transient nature of worldy ideas MINDFUL READING
and possessions and of ourselves. We are fluid,
flowing beings; ever changing, even when we
Oneness
don’t notice, even if those changes are only subtle. With All Life
by Eckhart Tolle
Knowing me, being me (Penguin, £8.99)
Towards the end of my year, as I’ve allowed
Ever heard the phrase
the more tangible ‘shoulds’ to fall away, I’ve
‘you are not your
eventually found the space and confidence to
thoughts’ or ‘you are not
allow the ideas I have about myself to drop off, too. your brain’ and thought,
The greatest freedom I have found has been to ‘Eh? Who am
allow myself to be more me – not who I think I then?’ Eckhart Tolle has
I should be, or even how others see me, but a new book, Oneness With All Life; a collection
the real me, the one who follows her path, is true of bite-sized, inspiring teachings from his
to her values and needs, and who stays faithful to bestseller A New Earth. The readings are
PHOTOGRAPH: LAURA RICHARDSON

what she knows is right for her, even if it’s not
the pretty little (all-too-often unattainable)
picture that society has prescribed.
Follow Ali Roff @AliandConnieRoff and download her free five-day
‘Self-Love’ course at aliandconnieroff.com. Read about Ali’s journey on
Instagram @aliroff. To find out more about Ali, The Remedy Retreats
and brunches, and her upcoming projects, visit aliroff.com
perfect for pondering over before bed, and
I love this excerpt which explains the idea
so eloquently. ‘What a liberation to realise
that the “voice in my head” is not who I am.
Who am I then? The one who sees that.
The awareness that is prior to thought…’

F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 89
 wholistic woman
#360me

Understanding
premenstrual
syndrome
Each month, bestselling author and speaker Henrietta Norton
discusses an area of women’s health and offers her perspective
and advice. Here, she looks at PMS symptoms and natural
remedies to help women through their monthly cycle

N early two out of five women between the

ages of 14 and 50 experience some symptoms
of premenstrual syndrome (PMS) and
10 per cent of these women have symptoms severe
manifestation of PMS. Symptoms include depression,
tearfulness, confusion, insomnia and withdrawal.
Low levels of oestrogen, high progesterone and DHEA
are implicated in this subtype, as well as imbalances
enough to disrupt their usual activities.  in the neurotransmitter serotonin. 
PMS is a cluster of physical and emotional symptoms l PMS-H (hyperhydration) is associated with

associated with the menstrual cycle. Reproductive
hormones and neurotransmitters are thought to play a
central role in the development of PMS, which is commonly
experienced in the five to 10 days prior to menstruation.
No symptoms are the same
For most women, PMS is a subjective experience,
producing symptoms that are unpleasant but manageable.
For some, it is a debilitating condition that renders them
virtually paralysed by their symptoms. Nutritional
textbooks divide PMS into four subtypes:  of magnesium have been noted in women suffering
l PMS-A (anxiety) is the most common type. Symptoms
include anxiety, irritability and nervous tension.
symptoms of water retention, abdominal bloating,
breast tenderness and weight gain. High levels
of stress, excess oestrogen, magnesium deficiency,
and low production of dopamine can be associated
with this subgroup.
Magnesium
Magnesium performs a number of critical functions
in the body, including supporting the nervous system,
especially during times of stress. Suboptimal levels
from PMS. In one double-blind, randomised study,*
women deficient in magnesium and suffering from
NCBI.NLM.NIH.GOV/PMC/ARTICLES/PMC5313351

Raised oestrogen and low progesterone are associated PMS were given magnesium for the last half of their
with this type.  menstrual cycle. After the second month, the
l PMS-C (cravings) is characterised by an increase treatment group reported a significant improvement
in appetite, craving for simple carbohydrates and (using The PMS Distress Questionnaire), specifically
PHOTOGRAPH: GALLERY STOCK.

fluctuations in blood sugar. Indulgence in simple sugars on questions related to mood.

results in fatigue, headaches, palpitations, dizziness or
fainting. This type of PMS is attributed to imbalances
in fatty acids as well as blood sugar imbalances and, more
specifically, low magnesium.
l PMS-D (depression) is the least common but most serious
Omega-6 fatty acids 
Essential fatty acids such as borage oil, evening
primrose oil and flax oil help reduce inflammatory
prostaglandins and increase prostaglandins that >>>
*

90 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 91
 wholistic woman
#360me
relieve menstrual cramping, breast pain, water
gain and increased clotting. They can also help
stimulate small amounts of oestrogen, which
ameliorates PMS complaints.
Probiotics
Acidophilus cultures that are dairy-free and certified
live can promote healthy flora in the bowel. Many
women with chronic yeast infections, a history
of antibiotic use, a high intake of refined foods,
high stress, chronic corticosteroid use or birth
control pill use may have a bowel flora imbalance
(dysbiosis). A programme to enhance
bowel flora can benefit in these
conditions. Lactobacillus
acidophilus and bifidobacterium
bifidus metabolise phytoestrogens
found in plants and pulses
into isoflavones, making
acidophilus supplementation
a worthwhile support
when addressing PMS.  rather a natural
Vitamin B6
Vitamin B6, also known as
pyridoxine, has reported benefits
for reducing PMS symptoms.
Studies have shown improvements in PMS symptoms
(including cramping, fibrocystic breasts and excessive
bleeding) by 70 to 88 per cent. The pre-metabolised
form of vitamin B6 has been shown to be the most
effective and this form can be found in food and
natural food-grown supplements.  ‘condition’, but rather a natural cycle within a
Vitamin E
In a randomised, double-blind study,* doses of
400 IU daily have reportedly produced significant
improvement in certain affective and physical
symptoms in some women with PMS. Vitamin E
in nature includes eight compounds, which includes
four tocopherols: alpha, beta, gamma and delta.
The natural form of vitamin E, d-alpha tocopherol,
has been reported to have greater bioavailability
than synthetic forms of the vitamin.
Dong quai
Dong quai is thought to be one of the most important
remedies in Chinese medicine. It has been used for
centuries for a variety of female complaints and is
considered a tonic for women who are tired, recovering
92 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
from illness or have low vitality. Dong quai is rich in
phytoestrogens, helping to balance out both insufficient
and excess levels of oestrogen associated with PMS
symptoms. Epidemiological studies have shown that
dong quai has been used for generations in females,
who report better results and fewer adverse effects than
with prescription oestrogen replacement products. 
Aromatherapy
Symptoms of PMS may be relieved by using essential
oil therapy in a bath or diffuser. Try the following
oils in a bath or in a diffuser, as needs indicate:
● Clarysage (Salvia sclarea): five drops.
“
● Ylang-ylang (Cananga odorata):
Menstruation, four drops.
● Lavender (Lavandula augustifolia):
just as pregnancy, three drops.
Temporary relief from
is not a medical the symptoms associated
‘condition’, but with water retention may be
experienced by using juniper oil
“ (Juniperus communis) in a hot
cycle within bath and soaking for at least
20 minutes. No more than eight
a woman’s life to 10 drops should be necessary.
Remember, essential oils should
not be used during pregnancy or
lactation, unless under the supervision of a trained
aromatherapist or healthcare practitioner.*
A method to the madness
Menstruation, just as pregnancy, is not a medical
woman’s life. Perhaps within our menstrual cycle
lies the architecture of our emotional, physical and
spiritual health, and each month we have the
opportunity to connect with how we are really feeling.
‘To see the cycle as the enemy can set you up for more
suffering, but working with and within its rhythmic
imperatives can be your foundational path to healing,’
say Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Wurlitzer, authors
of the book Wild Power: Discover The Magic Of Your
Menstrual Cycle And Awaken The Feminine Path
To Power (Hay House, £12.99).
CHECK FOR CONTRAINDICATIONS
Our expert, Henrietta Norton, is a registered
nutritional therapist, a women’s wellbeing
writer and expert, and co-founder of food-grown
supplements brand Wild Nutrition.
wildnutrition.com; @wildnutritionltd
*
With help from our range
of nutraceutical health food
d
supplements that promote
psychological and emotionalal
well-being.

A British Company. Name and business address of the holder of the certificate of registration: Eudeamon,
Howard House, 70 Baker Street, Weybridge, Surrey KT13 8AL More information is available at www.eudeamon.com
Now available to buy at amazon
 real wellness
#360me
Veganism
and me
The principles of veganism had always appealed to
Ellen Tout, but she didn’t think she could forego the
cheese board. Having made the switch, she reflects on
how a plant-based diet has changed her body and mind
J ust over one per cent of the British population
is vegan, and 11 per cent of us have tried veganism
at some point.* But, despite being vegetarian
for 15 years, I never thought I could give up chocolate or
cheese. A vegan lifestyle seemed unattainable – something
for people with plenty of spare income and time to strain nut
milk every morning. This changed two years ago, when my
mum decided to go plant-based. After I
tasted the amazing meals she created,
I researched veganism online and
realised that I no longer wanted to
contribute to the dairy industry.
The creative cook
Initially, I didn’t tell anyone and only ate
vegan food at home. I soon realised I
needed to improve my cooking skills
– I could no longer rely on cheese to add
flavour to my meals or a chocolate hit when I felt stressed.
Inspired by my mum and the many vegan recipe blogs I read,
I reconnected with my love of food. I had started to see
cooking as a chore but now, arriving home from work,
I was excited to experiment with new flavours and fresh
ingredients. Mealtimes became a creative pleasure. I began
to experience a change in my sense of taste, as I started to
appreciate different flavours and properly relish my food.
A couple of years later, I feel stronger and fitter and know
I owe it to plant-based eating. I decided to become vegan for
ethical reasons, but I didn’t foresee how it would open my
eyes to the health benefits of living this way. I have much
94 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
more energy now and feel truly nourished by my food
choices. I’ve heard some vegans refer to their diet as ‘high
vibrational’, meaning feel-good food because of our
connection with it and respect for its origins. I can definitely
relate to that feeling. Think of it as a circle, with humans,
animals and plants all connected to each other.
Being vegan, you naturally look more closely at food labels
and household products. I now try to
“Who knew Italy make a conscious choice about what
had such delicious I buy. This encourages you to consider
and question your choices – to really care
vegan pizzas; or about what you’re putting into your body
and its impact on the world around you.
that Prague had a For me, this means I’ve gradually come
veggie cafe on most to buy less processed food and I try to
eat more locally and naturally. Having
street corners?” to plan my meals is a kind of mindfulness
– considering the benefits of certain
foods, the balance of nutrition on my plate and finding
imaginative ways to make my meals delicious and nutritious.
PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES. *THE VEGAN SOCIETY
People imagine that vegans eat a restricted diet, but I now
enjoy a much greater variety of foods.
This awareness has also fed into a deeper connection with
the environment. The Vegan Society found that one of the
most effective things an individual can do to lower their
carbon footprint is to avoid all animal products. I believe that
once you change the way you view food, a more mindful
respect for nature instinctively follows. At the heart of
veganism is compassion and kindness, and this extends
beyond farmed animals to all sentient beings. I see veganism
as much more than a diet – it’s a way of life, so I try to do what
I can to make environmentally friendly choices.
Our place in the world
One challenge has been people’s perception of veganism.
Perhaps because it’s not the norm (although demand for
meat-free food increased by 987 per cent in 2017* which
shows a trend in this direction), people often question my
choices and, particularly on social media, those on both sides
of the debate can become antagonistic. I try to respond
honestly and openly, based on my experience. Eating meat
and dairy is so ingrained in our society, I think people often
prefer to put it to the back of their minds, like I did for years.
When I first began my vegan journey, I joined lots of
groups on Facebook. These have become brilliant sources
of information and connection with like-minded people.
The vegan community is lively, forward-thinking and ever
growing. I’ve met lots of inspirational people and attended
some refreshing events. My girlfriend and I first connected
over our shared passion for veganism, and her promise to
cook vegan food for me!
Being vegan has also helped open up a new sense of
adventure in me. I love researching and planning which
vegan cafes and shops I can visit on my travels. Who knew
Italy had such delicious vegan pizzas? Or that Prague had
a veggie cafe on most street corners?
When I first tried veganism, I wasn’t sure if it would stick,
but it’s now an important part of my identity and I cannot
imagine ever going back. I honestly believe plant-based living
is the future. Veganuary is just one example of how it brings
us together, and of the many people experimenting with this
way of life. vegansociety.com; veganuary.com
F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 95
Is stress tying you in knots?
Today's lifestyles are demanding, and one of the things they demand
most is the mineral magnesium, which allows the nervous system to
function properly and the muscles to relax. Magnesium is available in
healthy foods such as wholegrains, dried fruit, green leafy vegetables
and nuts, however there are times when your diet can lack the
goodness needed and be deficient in magnesium.

If you are feeling irritable and snappy, with knots in your shoulders and
tension stiffening your neck, bump up your magnesium and lose those
knots. Floradix Magnesium contains highly absorbable magnesium in
a delicious herbal formula which could make the difference to your
nerves - unlock the knots and survive the stress.

Available from selected Holland & Barrett stores, independent

health food shops and selected pharmacies nationwide.

www.floradix.co.uk

Herbal help for women
The woman’s herb, shatavari, used for centuries to regulate female
hormones in Ayurveda, has become a daily fail-safe for Eminé Rushton
D
ark moods and tiredness, lack of libido,
moving from even-keeled to irascible
overnight… As women, our moods often
reflect our times of the month – but there are ways
to soften the lows and smooth out the highs.
Shatavari – the word means 1,000 (shat) roots (vari)
in Sanskrit – possesses a telling double meaning:
vari can also mean husband, and the libido-increasing
properties of this adaptogenic herb (which ups the
body’s production of prolactin) wink to the mythically
insatiable sexual appetite of the woman who is lauded
as ‘she of 1,000 husbands’. ‘Shatavari is a tonic to
the female reproductive system and specifically the
uterus,’ says master herbalist and Pukka co-founder
Sebastian Pole. ‘It is a naturally nourishing, cooling
PHOTOGRAPH: SHUTTERSTOCK
the balance plan
#360me
and moistening herb that provides the required
nourishment and strength to support conception,
fertility and a healthy reproductive system. It
contains shatavarin and sarsasapogenin – the two key
constituents in shatavari – which act as precursors
to sex hormones oestrogen and progesterone and are
thought to be responsible for shatavari’s hormone-
balancing activity,’ says Pole.
Taken in powder form, ideally mixed into warm
milk or vegan mylk, or blended with ghee or honey,
it takes between two to three menstrual cycles to
restore hormonal balance, and should be taken every
day. There are no known side effects either (although
your sexual partner might beg to differ). Amen to that.
balanceplan.co.uk; @thebalanceplan
F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 97
FIGHT
COLDS
AND
FLU
WITH
THREE
TIMES
THE
POWER
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combine Echinacea plus Vitamin C and
Zinc to relieve the symptoms of cold and flu.
Winter doesn’t have to mean battling with colds and flu.
Take new HRI Coldcare - the only product formulation
to combine Echinacea plus 100% RDA of Vitamin C and
Zinc in one dose. Coldcare is a traditional herbal medicinal
product used to relieve the symptoms of colds and flu.
Based on traditional use only. Always read the label.

HR Iher balmedic ine.co.u k

 real nutrition

#360me
Spud-
tacular!
Mashed, baked, julienned… what’s not
to love about the vitamin-rich potato?
Nutrition Editor Eve Kalinik chips in

F
rom the floury Maris Piper to the velvety Vivaldi,
to the perfectly proportioned Jersey Royal and
the honourable King Edward, the potato may be
deemed humble alongside its fellow veg but, as some of its
more noble names indicate, it should be royally celebrated.
You might be surprised to know that potatoes are an
excellent source of vitamin C, with one medium-sized spud
providing around 70 per cent of the recommended daily
intake. This helps to support energy, immunity and skin health.
And they boast a decent amount of B vitamins and magnesium,
too – the nutrients we need for energy, among many other
physiological processes. Being one of the richest sources of
potassium also makes them a good source of this vital mineral
that has myriad functions in the body.
When it comes to gut health, potatoes provide fibre that is
important for our gut microbes, as they flourish on a fibrous feast,
and it is a healthy and thriving microbiome that we need to
support. Try to enjoy your spuds with skins on, as there is a greater
fibre content, which gives you more bang for your buck when it
comes to the microbiome. Interestingly, when potatoes are cooked
and fully cooled – think potato salad – the starch molecules
transform into something called resistant starch, which behaves
a bit like fibre, in that it resists digestion and finds its way to the
microbiome, giving an additional potent ‘feeding’ effect.
There is a plethora of marvellous ways to cook, eat and
enjoy your spuds. Personally, I can think of precious little else
more delicious than a baked jacket potato with a generous
hunk of butter and a sprinkling of sea salt. A roast dinner,
particularly at this time of the year, is not complete without the
glorious roast spuds that you could argue often steal the show!
Just remember, as you tuck into your spud, that it is actually
far from lowly and we should feature the potato proudly and
respectfully on our plates. evekalinik.com; @evekalinik

Choose Buy Cook

PHOTOGRAPH: GILLIAN VANN/STOCKSY

Maris Pipers are ideal The Malle Give my ‘Punchy potato

for mash, but you may W Trousseau salad’ a whirl, which is
want to try Jersey Box, £50.16, is ideal great for some of the
Royals for boiling. for the discerning leftover spuds from
See the Great British spud cook. It Christmas dinner. Find
Chefs website for more. features a brush the recipe in my book
l greatbritishchefs. and stainless-steel Be Good To Your Gut
com/features/ peeler and masher. (Little, Brown, £20).
potato-variety-guide l madeindesign.co.uk l amazon.co.uk

F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 99
 The Retreat
p102 The Words Now’s the time to snuggle up with a good book ● p104 Travel Special One man’s meaningful
trek around the British coastline ● p108 48 Hours Finding hope in the dazzling Northern Lights ● p110 Well
Travelled The best yoga breaks for 2019 ● p116 Living Warming and textural ● p122 Feasting A seasonal spread
PHOTOGRAPH: STUDIO FIRMA/STOCKSY

“Every new beginning comes from

“
some other beginning’s end
SENECA

F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 101
The Words
January blues don’t have to be ‘a thing’ with our selection
of books, a snuggly pair of socks, and a little self-care in
the form of a Sunday morning or two reading in bed

♥
Book of the
month “ The sun himself
is weak when he first
rises, and gathers “
strength and courage
as the day gets on
CHARLES DICKENS,
THE OLD CURIOSITY SHOP

Discover
GET KIDS READING
THE BINDING Parrot Street Book Club provides
a positive postal experience every
By Bridget Collins month with a book lover’s package
(HarperCollins, £12.99)
for your child. The pack contains a
Emmett Farmer’s ordinary rural life carefully selected book with book
is upended when he is summoned club-style questions to ponder
to be the apprentice of witchy together, games, craft ideas and a gift.
bookbinder Seredith, whose special Young readers can access an online
gift is to bind heartbreak and hurt LOST IN TRANSLATION reading group that matches their age

Lagom(n)
into the pages of books. and ability – perfect for helping young
‘Imagine you could erase your bookworms cement their love of words.
grief; forget your pain; hide any
secret. Forever. Whatever people
can’t bear to remember… we take
Language: Swedish Join the club.
Three months,

We didn’t quite manage

the memories and put them where from £39.95,
parrotstreet.
they can’t do any more harm,’
explains his mentor. So it comes as
lagom in December com

a complete shock when Emmett – a little too much

discovers a book with his name on it, eating, socialising and
EDITED BY ALI ROFF. MAIN REVIEWS: EITHNE

full of the secrets of his past.

spending, but now it’s
FARRY. PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES

A gorgeous, magical story in which

love, light and freedom battle against January, we’re hoping to
dark desire and repressive control. practise lagom again; the
This is an unforgettable, captivating perfect balance between
novel: a boundary-defying love story
and literary event. Unmissable.
too much and too little,
so life is ‘just right’.

102 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
 the retreat

NEW YEAR, NEW NOVELS

Sate your story lover’s hunger with
these three juicy literary treats

1 The Last
By Hanna Jameson
(Penguin, £12.99)
2 The Gunners
By Rebecca Kauffman
(Serpent’s Tail, £12.99)
The premise of this The Gunners gang were
dystopian psychological the best of childhood friends
thriller is unnerving. Most of until life got in the way. The
Paper MESSAGES the world has been destroyed rift began with Sally cutting
therapy
in a nuclear war, but 20 off all contact, leaving her
FROM WITHIN survivors, with a history peers bewildered and upset.
“Journalling puts you in touch with of suicide and murder, are Fifteen years later, after

your body’s wisdom. When listened holed up in Swiss hotel, and

there’s a killer on the loose.
to, the body guides you to your deepest Jon sets about solving the
feelings. ‘The Body Keeps The Score’, mystery behind the death
Sally’s suicide, The Gunners
reunite as they attempt to
come to terms with her loss,
and find reasons for her

as psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk of a young girl, while delving unhappiness as secrets are
into the mindsets of his revealed and loyalties tested.
tells us. Before making a big decision, fellow guests, as paranoia and Insightful and endearing, this
check in with your body and note the panic compete with kindness is a lovely look at friendship

sensations or feelings you connect and human connection. and human fragility.

with. Let your body write its words” 

3
Jackee Holder
is an author, coach Once Upon A River
and facilitator. By Diane Setterfield
@jackeeholder; jackee
holder.com. ‘The Body (Transworld Publishers, £12.99)
Keeps The Score’ by
Bessel van der Kolk Diane Setterfield’s third novel is
(Penguin, £7.99) utterly beguiling, with a cast of
emotionally wounded characters.
The story begins with a badly beaten
man carrying the body of a dead child
Vitra
O-Tidy office into the snug of a Thames-side pub.
accessory, The girl comes back to life – and so
£26, nest.co.uk
begins a glorious tale of science and the supernatural, love and
loss, which has as many twists and turns as its riverside setting.

F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 103
 Walk a mile…
Chris Young began a trek around the British
coastline as a metaphor for the experience of people
with mental health problems. He’s about to set off
again and is asking for help – and a bit of company

F ollowing a diagnosis of borderline

personality disorder, a severe and
enduring mental health problem,
I decided to walk around the coast of the UK
to highlight the plight of people with mental
health problems – people who often feel on
the periphery of society.
Having been ‘disabled’ out of my job as
a senior social worker, becoming homeless
and then undertaking two years of fabulous
group psychotherapy, I was inspired by the
philosophy of Satish Kumar, a Jain monk
who went on a peace march in the 1960s.
He took no money with him. If he had, as
his guru explained, he wouldn’t have had
the motivation to speak to people at the
end of the day. I thought that if Kumar
could walk from India into Pakistan
expecting and receiving great hospitality
when the two countries were at war, then
I should expect no less from the residents of
the UK. I began my journey in April 2011.
Beautiful people
Spoiler alert! The British people are as
wonderful as our shoreline – so far, they’ve
supported me over 4,500 miles: from
Edinburgh, anticlockwise round the coast
to Porthmadog in North Wales, where I’m
soon to return to finish my journey. >>>

The Wales Coast Path

winds its way along the
rugged Llyn Peninsula in
magnificent North Wales
 the retreat

travel

F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 105
 the retreat
travel

The great news is that we’re spoilt in the UK with 11,500
miles of coastline – most of which is stunning – and, no
matter where we are on our lovely island, we are never more
than 70 miles from the sea. It’s impossible for me to pick any
favourites, but there are a few highlights.
In England, from Liverpool, where you’ll find some of
the friendliest people in the world, take the ‘ferry cross the
Mersey’ to the Wirral, and the 12.2 miles
of the Wirral Way where, on a clear day,
you look over the yellow sandbanks of
the Dee River to the Welsh mountains
of Snowdonia. Wales was the first country
to provide a dedicated footpath following
its perimeter, and the Wales Coast Path
has breathtaking view after breathtaking
view – it’s so easy to get lost in a land
‘Or,’ I said hopefully, ‘sometimes people welcome me into
their homes…’ Kenny said I couldn’t stay in his house – it was
too small for me and all my flotsam and jetsam – but I could
camp in his garden, and he’d make me something for tea.
As ever, I had to pinch myself at the hospitality of people
as I put up my tent in record-breaking time. I devoured my
fish fingers and chips and we chatted like old friends well
into the night. I went to bed satisfied that
“It’s so easy to Kenny, and the people of the UK in general,
were rather a fine bunch.
get lost in a land At 7am, there was a thud on my tent:
before time, where ‘I’ve made you some breakfast – just some
tea and toast – I have to get off to work now.
mountains rise It was great to meet you!’ said Kenny and,
dramatically with his hit-and-run generosity, he was off.

before time, where the mountains rise
dramatically from the sea.
But I must not forget Scotland. The Moray Firth is a
gorgeous piece of coastline, a vast expanse of water gouged
into the land that leads to Inverness, capital of the Scottish
Highlands, with the dark forests and golden beaches of the
Black Isle to the north and the promise of dolphins, whales
and sea eagles in and around its grey waters.
‘Er… yes… I am going to help you!’
I was walking there, eight miles from the village of Crimond,
when Kenny, a local, pulled up in his car next to me. ‘I’m
going to give you a lift,’ he said with great confidence.
Tempting though it was, I replied, ‘Thank you, but I’m
walking around the edge of the UK,’ or something similar.
from the sea” Past caring? I don’t think so
As I sat rejoicing in the kindness of
strangers, I was struck by something – I wasn’t actually in
Kenny’s garden, I’d erected my tent in a communal drying
area mere feet away from his neighbour’s door! As the
possibilities of what might happen next raced through
my head, I began stuffing my things away, only to be met by
the steely gaze of said neighbour, a woman in her early 60s.
I thought she looked pissed off. I mean, what would you do if
you found me camping in your garden? ‘I’ve run you a bath,’
she said. ‘I just wondered if you wanted any bubbles in it?’
As I was leaving, she told me how she’d recently supported
a friend who’d sadly died, and how tough it had been. ‘I’ve
finished caring for folk now,’ she said, without a hint of irony.
‘You’ve just run a bath for a complete stranger you found

PHOTOGRAPH: PREVIOUS PAGE,

Three hours later, I strode – no, waddled – into Crimond, in your garden!’ I exclaimed, as I gave her a great big hug.

where I found Kenny waiting to greet me on the postage
stamp-sized village green, ‘So, what do you do now?’ he
asked. His enthusiasm and humour made me smile.
I explained that, sometimes, if I had the funds, I’d stay in a
B&B; sometimes I’d exploit the generous right-to-roam laws
in Scotland, which meant I could put up my tent wherever
I liked, as long as it wasn’t too close to a residential dwelling…
JUSTIN FOULKES/4CORNERS
Walk A Mile: Finding Love And Compassion In Brexit
Britain is the title of my next book. The mainstream media
tells us the majority of Britons feel that empathy is on the
wane, and hate crimes on the increase. Don’t let hate win
– help me and be part of the next chapter of this lovely story.
‘Walk A Mile: Tales of A Wandering Loon’ by
Chris Young (Trigger, £11.99) is out now

BE PART OF MY STORY Weave your way into Chris’s chronicles of kindness

DO YOU WANT TO ASSIST without money,’ he says. ‘I’ll ● Twitter: @walkamileuk

Chris Young in his pursuit
of beauty and humanity
in Britain? He’s issued
an appeal for help, and
company, on his travels.
‘As before, I’ll be walking
rely on you to get me from
Porthmadog to Edinburgh.
Let’s show the world – once
again – that, no matter your
background, you are
fabulous!’ Find Chris on:
● Facebook: facebook.
com/groups/
walkamileinmyshoes
● Email: hello@
letswalkamile.org
● Phone: 0753 503 5909

106 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
Walk on the
Wild Side
Trek Kenya
14-22 February 2020

Take a walk on the wild side on this roarsome adventure,

trekking through Kenya’s Rift Valley. Prepare to be immersed in an entirely
different world and spot an extraordinary range of African wildlife.

For more information and to register online:

www.dream-challenges.com
Tel: 01590 646410
email: events@dream-challenges.com
 48
the retreat
travel

HOURS

T he midwinter’s day I arrived in Tromsø,

I learned of an old friend’s death. Still, from
the restaurant at the top of Fjellheisen
cable car, I looked down on the city, twinkling with
lights, and my spirits begin to lift.
The next morning, I rose in the dark and the sun
never rose at all. But, even when it remains below the
horizon, there are a few hours of eerie twilight which,
when the residual light reflects off snow, creates
incredible sunsets, bathing everything in blue light.

A blue and green night

This ‘blue hour’ is reflected in paintings I saw at the
Northern Norway Art Museum, before walking to
the Polar Museum, a repository for ‘expeditionalia’.
Across the bridge to Tromsøya island is the iceberg-
shaped Arctic Cathedral, which doubles as a venue for
Northern Lights concerts. The aurora borealis are
the big draw and, on my second evening, I head to the
wilderness centre at Kvaløya where, on a hillside
above the city and fjord, a gap in the clouds allows the
briefest glimpse of the magical, green, pulsating lights.
My bed is a sleeping bag on reindeer skins in a Sami
goahti, a wooden tepee-shaped structure. There’s not
enough snow for the planned dog-sledding in the
morning, so I join a husky hike. A dog strapped to a
belt pulls me around the snowy tundra and back for
a lunch of reindeer stew and chocolate cake.
It’s still dark as we head back to Tromsø, but Nordic
people do dark well; every house emits candle and
firelight, and the city is festooned with fairy lights.
As I head home, I ponder the hopefulness of being in
a place where, even when the sun does not rise, there is
so much light; varied and, at times, astonishing.

Nordic adventure
Lizzie travelled as a guest
of Northern Norway and
Much Better Adventures.
Their ‘Aurora’ camping
and dog-sledding/hiking
trip costs from £262 pp
per night. Norwegian Air
operates direct flights
PHOTOGRAPH: ALAMY

from the UK to Tromsø.

For more information, visit northernnorway.com;

muchbetteradventures.com; norwegian.com; visitnorway.com

108 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
Let there
be light
Lizzie Enfield travels into the darkness of
northern Norway and sees a sky full of hope
 well travelled

The best yoga

retreats for 2019
The most effective yoga sessions and retreats take a 360-degree
approach to our wellbeing, to realign and reignite our bodies,
minds and spirits. Look for talented teachers, exceptional
locations, nutritious, balanced meals cooked with love and clever
schedules that strike the right balance between rest and play.
You’ll release pent-up stress, ease out your tightness, energise
your cells and be better able to cope with life.
Psychologies Retreat Editor and Queen of Retreats founder
Caroline Sylger Jones suggests where to go in the coming year… >>>

F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 111
 ABOVE FROM LEFT Strike out across the moors with like-minded souls on the Women’s Wellness Weekend Retreat in
Derbyshire; connect with nature as you hike the 14-kilometre Cliffs of Moher in County Clare, Ireland, next from 8 to 10
March; Como Shambhala brings a relaxing escape from frantic city life and has hour-long sessions for the time poor
>>>
HOME-GROWN AND HOLISTIC
Rebecca Wilson Women’s Wellness
Weekend Retreat, Derbyshire
Rebecca brings a lot to the wellness table. With a wealth
of life experience, she imbues lessons
with strength, courage and resilience
– and there is always a shaft of wisest
light beneath her ebullient smile.
She has studied with respected
teachers, including Uma Dinsmore-
Tuli, and regularly leads retreats and
circles in the UK and beyond. Wilson’s
focus is on helping women make peace
with their bodies, power and purpose.
She considers the womb the crux of it
all and, through movement, mantra, song, yoga nidra and
powerful visualisation rituals, there is a visceral, glorious
feeling of things lifting, shifting and healing. For many,
it is deeply cathartic; for others, gentle and nourishing.
The hormone-balancing menu of plant-based foods is
generous and delicious, and there are affordable opt-in
tailored treatments available, such as a mizan womb
massage by Natasha Canfer of Iris Fertility. Rooms are
shared and friendships forged quickly and deeply.
From £320 for a weekend retreat. For upcoming retreats,
visit rebecca-wilson.com/retreats; irisfertility.co.uk
112 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
CITY SOLACE
Jane Robertson at COMO Metropolitan London
For urban comfort, book a special yoga session with Jane
Robertson at Como Shambhala’s fragrant holistic zone
in this contemporary London oasis.
“ She has a British Wheel of Yoga-trained, Jane’s a
wonderfully down-to-earth teacher with
great sense heaps of experience, who will tailor her
of humour, so class beautifully to suit your energy needs,
from a strong vinyasa flow to something
you’re likely far more yin. She has a great sense of
to have a giggle humour, so you’re likely to have a giggle
between asanas. Pre-book a private 60- or
between asanas” 90-minute session with Jane, or see her as
part of COMO’s lovely ‘Mind, Body & Soul’
experience during an overnight stay, which includes
breakfast, a free copy of COMO’s cookbook, The Pleasures
Of Eating Well (Clearview, £40), and two treatments.
From £115 for a 60-minute session; comohotels.com
Also try:
l Irish fling Cliffs of Moher is a delightful clifftop boutique
retreat a mile from the beach on the wild Atlantic coast. It runs
wellness and yoga breaks all year round. ‘Connect to Nature Yoga’
and ‘Hiking’ weekends are a lovely mix of activities and the next
one runs from 8 to 10 March.
From £348 pp in a quad room; cliffsofmoherretreat.com

ABOVE FROM LEFT Learn from Suraj Dubey at the grand Rosa Alpina Hotel and take guided walks in the staggeringly
beautiful Dolomites; there’s a kind of magic at Vale de Moses in Portugal, where yoga, nature and good old-fashioned
conviviality converge; rebalance body and mind, and throw in a health-giving brunch, at Ibiza’s Aiyanna and Amante
SHORT-HAUL HAVENS IN THE MOUNTAINS
Majestic nature at Vale de Moses, Portugal  Ayurvedic wellness with Suraj Dubey, Italy
Far from the hustle and bustle of normal life, in the foothills
of the Portuguese mountains, Vale de Moses hosts group
retreats for all levels of yogi. Ancient wisdom whispers over
rose-covered stone walls, and it’s clear that family is the
heart of this place, where Vonetta and Andrew Winter have
created a loving space for guests to rest and laugh.
Morning walks invite silence and full immersion in the
magnificent backdrop. Twice-daily yoga takes place in a
floor-to-ceiling glass shala, with incredible views, where
Vonetta leads classes with grace, compassion and a smile.
Sleep in shared monastic cottages and wake to the sound
of nearby streams – or opt for the ‘Soulpad’ bell tent to
PHOTOGRAPHS: COLIN ANDERSON/STOCKSY; GETTY IMAGES
soak up the sweet darkness of enchanted forest life.
CONTRIBUTORS: LEANNE BRACEY; JANE DUNFORD; SELDA
Vegetarian and vegan meals are served in a rustic
dining room, and menus range from curries to Japanese
fusion. Guests can opt for caffeine and even a beer or two.
GOODWIN; EVA RAMIREZ; EMINÉ RUSHTON.
Book holistic therapies or Thai massage workshops,
enjoy Andrew’s musical talents in the library, and enliven
yourself with freshwater-lake swimming. Visit a nearby
village and bond with fellow guests and locals, as wine, food
and companionship are shared. There’s a mystical energy
here that can only be heard, felt and seen with the heart.
Weeklong retreats run all year, from £713 pp, including meals,
classes and activities; valedemoses.com
well travelled
Join renowned Ayurvedic expert Suraj Dubey at the
luxurious Rosa Alpina Hotel to gain a true understanding
of how to nourish your body and thrive. Suraj’s ‘Holistic
Wellness Retreats’, running in summer, include Ayurvedic
consultations and treatments to heal your imbalances,
glorious guided walks in the Dolomites and nutritious meals,
created by Michelin-starred chef Norbert Niederkofler.
Beginners will welcome Suraj’s patient nature in daily
sunrise yoga sessions, while restful moonlit yoga nidra
classes offer fantastic tips for sound sleep. Simplicity is
key – this gentle man will encourage you to practise just
four poses a day if you’re pressed for time back home.
Based in the chic village of San Cassiano, this retreat
is perfect for solo females and couples.  
Retreats run from June to October. From £2,852 pp for five nights, including
yoga, treatments, half board and transfers; rosalpina.it
Also try:
l The spirit of Ibiza Hip sister restaurants located on tranquil
bays, Aiyanna and Amante offer gentle flow yoga classes, which
create space for true mind-body balance. Rise from your savasana
for a dip in crystalline waters and brunch of quinoa croissants and
gluten-free cakes. You might as well stay until waiters sashay
across the terrace with evening cocktails!
Weekday 9am classes run from May to October; £27 pp for the yoga and brunch
special; aiyannaibiza.com; amanteibiza.com
>>>
F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 113
 well travelled

ABOVE FROM LEFT Stretch into your wise inner voice with jivamukti yoga, breath work, gong baths and
opera-singing workshops at Chaya Yoga Retreats; visit Rwanda with Souljourn and help girls in need of food,
housing and education; see elephants in the forest and whales in the sea at Sri Lanka’s Talalla Retreat

>>>
WISDOM AND PEACE ON THE BEACH
Chaya Yoga Retreats, Goa
The magic starts as soon as you step inside the gates of
Kaju Varo, a lush, tree-filled cocoon a short stroll from
Ashvem beach, where Chaya founder Lucy Hill runs
several yoga holidays a year. Two Goan houses have been
transformed into modern accommodation, built around a
courtyard and pool (one of the owners is
a Scandinavian interior designer and it
shows). Opt for a gorgeous duplex suite for
with everything from homemade nut milks, to overnight
oats, exotic fruits and Indian omelettes. Evening meals
range from nutritious curries to multicoloured salads,
with delectable raw desserts.
Lucy puts her heart and soul into creating something
special for guests – her breaks all have a
“ The aim is to different theme, but the core ingredients
help you tune into remain the same. There’s a genuine sense

space or the treehouse for rustic charm.
It’s the perfect setting for the ‘Finding
Your Voice’ retreat, a week of twice-daily
yoga in the shady poolside shala, plus
workshops and activities – from group
singing with opera star Andrea Finke and
breath-work sessions with Nicola Price, to
gong baths and asana to live music. The aim is to help you
tune into your authentic inner voice – and learn to speak
your truth. Jivamukti teacher Durga Devi leads powerful
classes that include chanting, and the effect is both
grounding and energising. Between classes, there’s plenty
of time for the beach, to explore Goa’s night markets and
local villages or to indulge in top-notch treatments, from
deep-tissue massages to Ayurvedic consultations.   and Ayurvedic spa, too.
Organic, plant-based feasts include delicious brunches
your authentic
of community, a space for healing and
transformation, yet the vibe is fun
inner voice – and and relaxed. No wonder so many return.
learn to speak Catch her in Ibiza this summer, too. 
The next Goa retreat runs 9 to 16 February. From £1,111 for
your truth” seven nights, including meals, classes and activities. For
more on Goa and Ibiza retreats, see chayayogaretreats.com
Also try:
l Sri Lankan serenity  Yoga Explorers offers a perfect
combination of holiday and transformational yoga retreat on
‘the most beautiful beach in Sri Lanka’. Based at wellbeing hotel
Talalla Retreat, it includes twice-daily yoga with the vibrant
Jonelle Lewis and the chance to learn to surf, see elephants in
the wild and go whale-watching. There’s a freshwater lap pool
Runs 2 to 9 April, from £835 pp; yogaexplorers.com

114 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
 ABOVE FROM LEFT The temple complex of Angkor Wat in Cambodia is one of the largest religious monuments
in the world. It was originally constructed as a Hindu temple dedicated to the god Vishnu; Reclaim Your Self
– with a seat for another – high above the trees and a stone’s throw from the glimmering ocean in Costa Rica

TREAT YOURSELF AS YOU GIVE BACK

Souljourn, locations worldwide 
Souljourn combines yoga, philanthropy and travel to host
heartwarming retreats around the world. Inspired by
‘seva’, the Sanskrit word and yogic principle of selfless
service, the aim is to empower young women, while raising
awareness and funds for girls’ education in developing
countries. Souljourn offers fully
immersive 10-day retreats in locations “Explore diverse
from Nicaragua and India to Tibet and landscapes,
Angkor Wat and the floating village, sample Khmer
cuisine, enjoy a local show and take in a night food tour.
Open-level yoga classes punctuate every day and are led
by experienced teachers and Souljourn founder Jordan
Ashley. Group sizes vary from six to 10 and, although the
focus is on female empowerment, men
are welcome. Meals vary depending on
location and may include meat and fish.

markets and
Peru. A donation is built into the price Caffeine and alcohol are not restricted.
and given to a sister organisation, and Souljourn allows you to discover
you’ll witness the positive impact of your safaris… awe- aspects of yoga which go beyond the mat
contribution by spending time with the
girls who will benefit. inspiring hikes – compassion, dedication and self-care.
Next retreat runs 25 June to 5 July in Rwanda. From £2,800
Each retreat combines cultural and gorilla treks” pp for 10 nights, including meals, accommodation, activities,
transfers and £235 donation; souljournyoga.com
exploration with yoga and adventure.
A trip to Rwanda explores diverse landscapes, markets
and safaris, plus awe-inspiring hikes and gorilla treks,
Also try:
l Above the tree canopy in Costa Rica Reclaim Your Self
PHOTOGRAPHS: COLIN ANDERSON/

with mid-range accommodation in eco-friendly resorts

hosts a  seven-night yoga retreat in an extraordinary, five-star,
in Kigali, and tented lodges in national parks, where guests
fully staffed villa, perched above the trees and minutes from the
STOCKSY; GETTY IMAGES

drift off to sleep to a concerto of jungle sounds.   beach in Costa Rica. The retreat includes twice-daily yoga
A trip to Cambodia means volunteering at the Ponheary classes with the exceptional Jean Hall, plant-based meals and
Ly Foundation (PLF) Girls’ Dormitory, which shelters and cooking workshops with Bettina’s Kitchen. There’s an infinity
feeds female students. Stay at PLF’s guesthouse in Siem pool, rooftop Jacuzzi, sun deck and two juice bars, too.
Reap and explore gorgeous scenery, visit legendary temple Runs 9 to 16 November, from £1,995 pp; reclaimyourself.co.uk

F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 115
 Calm
and cosy
Batten down the hatches and hunker down…
Add a few textural touches to truly enjoy the
comfort and peace of winter at home
PHOTOGRAPHS JAMES CARRIERE
EDITED BY DANIELLE WOODWARD
LEFT A warm wooden THIS PAGE Shelves
floor, stools and a chair are a 3D mood board,
provide a contrast to allowing you to display
the shiny white marble collections of beloved
kitchen and prevent it objects. Relax and
from looking clinical. A unwind in a comfy chair
rug adds a cosy touch in front of your ‘shelfie’

F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 117
 the retreat

living
hildhood friends Christiana
Coop and Aimee Lagos,
founders of interiors blog
and shop Hygge & West, inspire you
to create a home with an emphasis
on cosiness and comfort, mixing the
Danish concept of hygge with US
homestyle charm. Their book, Hygge
& West Home, includes plenty of ideas
from homeowners – of city apartments,
suburban family homes and even a log
cabin – so let your imagination run free
and emulate their snuggly style.
‘Tried-and-true things – a cup of tea,
a warm wool blanket, a dog on my lap
and quiet are what make rainy days
perfect,’ says featured householder
Alex Beauchamp. ‘Making the most of
a gloomy day is how hygge came to be.’
‘Hygge & West Home: Design For A Cozy
Life’ by Christiana Coop and Aimee Lagos
(Chronicle Books, £26)

118 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E D E C E M B E R 2 0 1 8
LEFT Although the THIS PAGE The hard
wood-burning stove lines of this four-poster
adds warmth, tactile bed are softened by a
fabrics, such as fleece pretty bedspread; the
or sheepskin, draped over bird theme echoed in a
a chair, transform this lampshade. Rattan and
corner into a cosy nook wood tables complement
in which to nestle the natural sisal carpet
 the retreat
living La Voliere two-tier
pendant lamp, £610,
Large glazed beaumonde.co.uk
stoneware
urn, £195,
shimu.co.uk

Cheeky monkey
bookends, £34,
bookends
audenza.com

Kotori Blush Muuto workshop coffee table,

cushion,, £19.99, Pale blue ceramic £495, nest.co.uk; industrial wooden
very.co.uk handled jar
jar, £35, stool, £145, thefarthing.co.uk
shimu.co.uk; enamel
shimu.co.uk
trio, £28,
bud vase trio
bohemiadesign.com

1960s

Heart of
Scandinavian
armchair,
£880 for two,

a home
theoldcinema.
co.uk

American designer Nate Berkus

Faux olive tree,
said, ‘Your home should be the from a selection,
Geometry Burst
print, £4.50,
story of who you are and a thefarthing.co.uk
modeprints.com collection of what you love.’
To create hygge, ‘Be present
enough in your daily life to
recognise moments that feel
cosy, charming and special,’ say
the authors of Hygge & West.
‘‘Creating hygge is just about
recognising it.’ Bear this in mind
Kruth Design when decorating, and buy only Iceland Mariposa
sheepskin chair,
Eule framed print, items you love; you will naturally £1,060, nest.co.uk
from £14.95,
juniqe.co.uk
produce a happy hygge feeling.
Giveaway
Tweedmill wool
blanket, £49.95,
blanket
hurnandhurn.com

Carter wingback faux

leather armchair,
£389 (plus footstool),
cultfurniture.com

Large log
holder, £115,
gardentrading.co.uk We have three copies
of Hygge & West Home:
Design For A Cozy Life
by Christiana Coop and
Aimee Lagos (Chronicle
Books, £26) to give
away. To enter, visit
psychologies.co.uk/
win-copy-hygge-west-
home-design-cozy-life

Carron Dante
wood-burning
stove, £799,
ludlowstoves.co.uk
120 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
 MAKE
LOVE
LAST
How to keep your
relationship on track once
the honeymoon is over

Next
Plus… month
lIs ‘living the l‘Why I’m eternally l‘Table for
dream’ too much? grateful to my ex’ one please’
Take the pressure off Lessons in thankfulness How to woo you
and practise acceptance on Valentine’s Day lLet’s talk about
lStop feeling bitter! l Zzzzzzzz! sex – breaking
And start enjoying the Four ways to get a the silence on
life you have right now better night’s sleep loss of libido

Don’t miss the MARCH

PHOTOGRAPH: STOCKSY

issue – on sale 22 January

 the retreat
feasting

Seasonal suppers
Cooking with the seasons is the secret to creating dream dinner-party
menus and it’s the inspiration for a new book, Clodagh’s Suppers
RECIPES CLODAGH MCKENNA PHOTOGRAPHS DORA KAZMIERAK
EDITED BY DANIELLE WOODWARD

C hef Clodagh McKenna says she is never happier than when she sees her loved
ones ‘sitting around the table with smiles on their faces as they enjoy delicious
home-cooked food in a beautiful setting’. Cooking with the seasons is vital to
Clodagh, whose new book, Clodagh’s Suppers, has menus to match the seasons and make the
most of fresh produce: the first section focuses on creating a well-balanced, delicious menu;
casserole dish, stir in the onion or
shallot, ginger and garlic and cook for two
minutes, then stir in the cumin, cinnamon
and dried chillies and cook for a further
minute. Add the bacon lardons and
the second is packed with recipes to take you through the culinary year, as well as simple chorizo and cook, stirring, for about
cocktails and even edible gifts to send your guests home with a souvenir of their evening. three minutes until lovely and crispy.
3 Return the beef to the pan and stir
well. Pour in the red wine and cook for
two minutes more. Then add the tomatoes,
CHOCOLATE BEEF CHILLI WITH measured water, sugar, oregano, bay leaves
and ketchup. Season with salt and pepper,
JALAPENO AND CHEESE SCONES stir well, then cover the pan with a lid
The chocolate in this is utterly delicious and the chilli adds a silky texture. and simmer over a low heat for two hours.
I always double the recipe when I am making it and freeze half of it! 4 While the chilli is cooking, make the
jalapeno and cheese scones. Preheat
SERVES 6 l 2 bay leaves the oven to 200°C, gas mark 6, and dust
l 50g salted butter l 1 tbsp tomato ketchup a baking tray with flour. Sift the flour,
l 300g minced beef l 50g dark chocolate, grated baking powder and salt into a large
l 1 small white onion or shallot, l 400g can red kidney beans, bowl. Add the butter and rub in with your
finely chopped rinsed and drained fingertips until the mixture resembles
l 2.5cm piece of fresh ginger, FOR THE SCONES fine breadcrumbs. Stir in half the grated
peeled and grated l 225g plain flour, plus extra for dusting cheese, followed by half the jalapenos,
l 3 garlic cloves, crushed l 1 tbsp baking powder then gradually mix in enough milk
l 1 tsp ground cumin l Pinch of fine sea salt with a fork to make a soft dough.
l 1 tsp ground cinnamon l 50g salted butter, chilled and cubed 5 Roll out the dough on a floured work
l 3 small dried chillies, chopped l 125g Dubliner cheese, grated surface into a round, 1cm deep. Cut into
l 100g smoked bacon lardons l 2 jalapeno chillies, finely chopped six wedges, place on the floured baking
l 100g fully cured, ready-to-eat l 125-150ml milk or buttermilk tray and sprinkle the remaining cheese
chorizo, diced and jalapenos on top. Bake for 15 minutes
l 150ml red wine 1 Place a flameproof casserole dish over until golden brown. Transfer the scones to
l 400g can cherry tomatoes a medium heat and add half the butter. a wire rack and leave to cool for 10 minutes.
l 300ml water Once melted, add the minced beef and 6 Remove the lid of the casserole and stir
l 1 tbsp brown sugar cook, breaking up with a wooden spoon, in the chocolate and kidney beans, then
l 2 tsp finely chopped fresh until browned. Transfer to a plate. simmer, uncovered, for 15 minutes. Serve
or dried oregano 2 Add the remaining butter to the with the jalapeno and cheese scones. >>>

122 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
 the retreat
feasting

CELERIAC SOUP
WITH HAZELNUT
AND SAGE PESTO
This is my favourite soup to make
during the winter months. The flavour
of the celeriac has nutty undertones,
and the consistency of the soup is so
creamy. The pesto adds a delicious
crunchy texture and earthy flavour.
You can make it a few days ahead,
and it freezes really well, so double
the recipe when you are making it!

SERVES 6
l 50g butter
l 1 celeriac, peeled and chopped
l 1 celery stick, chopped
l 1 onion, chopped
l 75g blanched hazelnuts
l 1 ltr hot vegetable stock
l 100ml creme fraiche
l Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper

FOR THE HAZELNUT AND SAGE PESTO

l 75g blanched hazelnuts
l 2 tbsp finely chopped sage
2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil Reader
l

1 Place a heavy-based saucepan over
a medium heat and add the butter. Once
the butter has melted, add the celeriac,
celery, onion and whole hazelnuts, and
season with salt and pepper. Stir well,
then reduce the heat to low, cover the
pan with foil or your butter wrapper
and pop the lid back on. Leave the
vegetables to sweat for 15 minutes.
2 Next, make the hazelnut and sage
pesto. Place a frying pan over a high
heat, add the hazelnuts and shake the
pan frequently to toast the nuts evenly,
for three minutes – this will release all the
oils and the flavour. Add the chopped sage
to the extra virgin olive oil in a small bowl.
3 Tip the toasted hazelnuts onto one half
of a clean tea towel, then fold over the other
offer
half of the tea towel to cover and bash the
nuts with a rolling pin until crushed. Add
the crushed nuts to the olive oil and sage,
mix together well and set aside.
4 Add the hot stock to the vegetables that
have sweated down and bring to the boil,
then leave to cook, uncovered, for about Psychologies readers
can buy a copy of
15 minutes until the vegetables are tender.
Clodagh’s Suppers
Transfer the soup to a blender or food for the special price
processor, or use a hand blender, and of £14 (RRP £20).
blend to a smooth consistency. Return the To order, please
call 01235 759555
soup to the saucepan, if necessary. Stir in
quoting code
the creme fraiche, season and place over a 9952100013. Offer
medium heat to warm through. Serve the subject to availability.
soup in warmed bowls with the hazelnut
and sage pesto drizzled on top.

124 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
LEMON VERBENA POSSETS
I’d forgotten about possets until recently, when I was at my favourite Italian
restaurant in London, Trullo. They had lemon posset on the dessert menu,
which we ordered, served with buttery shortbread for scooping into the posset.
We almost cried it was so good. This is the closest I’ve come to capturing their
perfect posset. I’ve added lemon verbena, as it gives such a lemony depth.

SERVES 4 over a low heat and bring to the boil,

2 lemons
l stirring occasionally until the sugar
125g caster sugar
l has dissolved. Whisk in the cream
6 lemon verbena leaves
l and cook for three minutes.
425ml double cream
l 2 Divide the mixture between four
small glasses or ramekins. Leave
1 Grate the zest of the lemons into a to cool, then chill in the fridge for
saucepan, then squeeze out and add two hours until set. Remove the
the juice, followed by the sugar and possets from the fridge at least
lemon verbena leaves. Place the pan 30 minutes before serving.

F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 125
 the retreat
feasting Pick pattern. Insect
Mandala 13-piece set,
£295, thecurious
department.com

Dip it! Sharing

bowls and serving
board, £31.95, hurn
andhurn.com

Riot of colour. Parrot

tea towel, £13; and
oven gloves, £22,
both saramiller.london
Cute factor! Orla
Nibbles? VonShef Kiely dachshund
serving boards, serving board, £45,
£19.99, domu.co.uk amara.com

Melt cheese
or chocolate.

Come on in
Fondue set,
£79.99, kitchen Blogger
craft.co.uk spotlight
We all need something to look forward
to when the festive season is over and
the decorations come down, so why
not leave your twinkling fairy lights in
place, add a candle or two to cast a soft
glow and create a centrepiece for your
table from some evergreens? You’ll
have a winter retreat perfect for
Top table. gathering together during the chilly,
Centrepiece
Centrepiece, Add dark January evenings.
£25.95, annabel character.
Excelsa salt Enjoy planning a menu of Camilla, who blogs
james.co.uk
and pepper delicious treats to serve to your at fabfood4all.co.uk,
set, from a loved ones, experiment with new
selection, shares well-loved recipes
Warming extras. Sriracha flavours and gather a group of
eprice.it that are straightforward
mayo, £2.49, sauceshop.co; people around the table to welcome
Robinsons winter fruit cordial,
them into your home and into your to make. When you’re
£2.50, tesco.com; Marigold gravy
heart. Connection is everything. feeding a crowd, you
granules, £1.69, ocado.com
need inspiration, so
how about ‘Camilla’s
GATHER TOGETHER These books are full of ideas for entertaining at home chicken fiesta’, followed
by ‘Cheat’s Danish
apple cake’?
Camilla is also known
1 2 3 4 for making jams and
preserves and has lots
of creative recipes to
try, like pumpkin and
PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES

ginger, easy blueberry

1 The Art Of The Party: Drinks & Nibbles For Easy Entertaining by Kay Plunkett-Hogge (Mitchell Beazley, (with just three
£12.99) 2 The Tin & Traybake Cookbook: 100 Delicious Sweet & Savoury Recipes by Sam Gates (Robinson, ingredients), and
£16.99) 3 Simple & Classic by Jane Hornby (Phaidon, £29.95; out in February) 4 Platters And Boards:
Beautiful, Casual Spreads For Every Occasion by Shelly Westerhausen (Chronicle Books, £18.99) ‘Quick banoffee curd’.

126 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
 essentials
2019 - Two events to change your life and
Low Self-Confidence holding you back? improve children’s emotional well-being!
Confidence and self-esteem
are the most influential 15"! June “The Social Mind – Evolution and Development”.
elements in finding success Staverton Estate, Daventry. Prof.Louis Cozolino presents
in your life. Our expert ground breaking research on the evolution of the human mind
Confidence Coaches can into a social organ and how individual minds adjust, communicate
empower you to be more and regulate one another.
assertive and to find
success using your unique 20"! July Fast track route to train
skills and talents. Feel good as a Registered Practitioner in
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social situations, start your
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or Telephone 07890 228538 www.playtherapy.org.uk
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Make 2019 the year that personal wellbeing, is very
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CALL NIKKI.PETERSON@TIGERBEEMEDIA.CO.UK
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A specially curated uplifting selection of products and services to improve your month
ClassYogaKids!
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FriendlySoap
Every bit of plastic ever made still
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All our packaging and postage is 100%
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DavidNieper
Fine Fashion – Made in England.
David Nieper’s collection of elegant
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fabrics and yarns. Each style is created
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Call 01773 83 6000 for a catalogue.
Please use code PY18.
● www.davidnieper.co.uk
ecoYogamats
ecoYoga Ltd has been manufacturing
their yoga mats in the UK since 2003.
Since only natural materials make
sense for a yoga practice the ecoYoga
mats are made from 100% natural
rubber and jute. Plant-based materials,
super grippy and beautiful. Available
in 5 colours, including their unique
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cushioned 6mm to travel thin 1mm.
● www.ecoyoga.co.uk
Friendinabox
Thoughtful gifts in an eye-catching
letterbox-friendly blue box sent to
almost anywhere in the world. Prices
start from just £10. The perfect way
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One of the best known providers of
yoga holidays with over twenty five
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Ommie
Ommie and the Magical Garden is a
yoga storytelling book for children aged
3-8, created so they can experience
the positive benefits of yoga in a fun,
innovative and accessible way.As
well as teaching new yoga poses,
Ommie helps children understand that
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CroatianYogaRetreat
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yogaturkey
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advanced students alike.” Tania, London.
l www.yogaturkey.co.uk
 Happiness
Book Club Happier
conversations
Vanessa King of Action for Happiness, author of 10 Keys
To Happier Living, recommends Conversations
Worth Having by Jackie Stavros and Cheri Torres

C
onversations have the potential to open up
possibilities for change, but how many of those
we usually have are critical or destructive?
This book is about remedying this; to have a meaningful
and positive benefit for others, and it can strengthen and
build our relationships in the process.
The questions we ask are key. The authors share
principles that serve as a checklist to help reflect
on past interactions and to craft future ones. For
example, holding our own views lightly and staying
open, asking questions that genuinely explore the
other person’s perspective, such as, ‘Can you help Conversations Worth Having
me understand how you see it?’; anticipating the by Jackie Stavros and Cheri
best from others and looking for shared opportunity, Torres (Berrett-Koehler
Publishers, £15.99)
rather than fearing the worst, ‘What’s worked well
in the past?’ or ‘What might be possible if we…?’; and
asking bold, generative questions that expand and Questions to discuss
● What past conversations
inspire, such as, ‘What are we most hoping for?’
The book offers tools and suggestions for applying have had a meaningful and
this approach to work situations, where questions can positive impact on your life?
● What constructive questions
often be focused on closing down issues, rather than
did someone ask you that
igniting possibility. It also gives ideas for trying it with
changed how you thought
our friends, family, children and even with ourselves! One
about something, someone
of these is ‘flipping’, which guides us to name a problem,
or yourself?
challenge or complaint, for example, what we don’t ● What issues are you dealing
want, then flip it to the opposite – asking what we, or
with that you’d like to have a
others, want and what the desired outcome and impact
ILLUSTRATION: LESLEY BUCKINGHAM

different, more energising,

would be if that were true. This helps to create a platform conversation about?
for a conversation to move forward from the issue and
identify constructive solutions. It seems our questions
have power and we can get better at how we ask them.

Next month, we’re reading ‘Mindset – The New Psychology

Of Success’ by Carol S Dweck

130 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E F E B R U A R Y 2 0 1 9
 NE
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