Married Couples, What Is The Unspoken Rules of A Successful Marriage - AskReddit

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Married couples, what is the unspoken rules of a successful
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[–] hopebirmingham 13.3k points 16 hours ago 2
There's no "winning" an argument when you're married. You either come to an Get Reddit Premium
agreement somehow or you've both lost. A situation where one person walks away
feeling discouraged, unheard, and disrespected is not a victory when you're
married. Welcome to /r/AskReddit
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1/23/2019 Married couples, what is the unspoken rules of a successful marriage? : AskReddit
[–] rickee_lee 4833 points 16 hours ago
21,308,333 subscribers 103,925 online now
My favorite saying is, “it’s not you vs. your SO, it’s you two vs. the problem”
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[–] rdanon123 4244 points 9 hours ago
"Baby it's us vs the dishes and not you vs me not doing the dishes like I said I You must post a clear and direct question
would. The dishes are trying to divide us!!!" in the title. The title may contain two,
short, necessary context sentences. No
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[–] TravelingArgentine 340 points 9 hours ago go in the comments section. more >>
You Made me laugh so hard
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[–] rockingthesecrocs 256 points 12 hours ago Posting, or seeking, any identifying
personal information, real or fake, will
Yep! When i go to a shower and they ask for advice for the newlyweds, mine is 4
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always “Don’t forget you are both on the same team. “ If you are fighting against more >>
each other instead of working towards the goal, it goes bad really fast. The worst
time in my marriage is when we stopped rooting for each other and forgot that Askreddit is not your soapbox, personal
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[–] delinea 918 points 11 hours ago
When my hubby and i fight, we both start frantically cleaning. We literally will Soliciting money, goods, services, or
7
storm around the house washing things and yelling at each other. We let out all favours is not allowed. more >>
our frustration and take it out on the dishes and floors. By the time we are done
being mad at each other the house is spotless and we both feel better. Thats how Mods reserve the right to remove content
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[–] RawkPeepl 301 points 8 hours ago
I do this but then I get pissed he isn't helping haha

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[–] zbeara 88 points 8 hours ago images will be removed. more >>
That’s what my sister does. Just marry my sister instead ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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[–] PeelerNo44 29 points 8 hours ago not hesitate to contact the mods, we're
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Okay. :)
[–] exrex 52 points 8 hours ago

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[–] deadliftdaddy613 234 points 16 hours ago
Sometimes i leave an argument genuinely feeling like I was in the wrong and i
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give a sincere apology. I actually listen and try to think really hard about if i’m
wrong while we argue, i think most people don’t do that, i know my S/O doesn’t. Unfilter
[–] oyveyski 105 points 13 hours ago
That’s one thing I really love in my relationship - we’re both really good at Do you have ideas or feedback for
recognizing when we’re in the wrong, we’re both really good at apologizing Askreddit? Submit to /r/Ideasforaskreddit.
and meaning it, and we’re both really good at accepting apologies with grace
and respect.
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[–] hysterical_theme 66 points 16 hours ago
Truth. You have to figure out what you were ACTUALLY arguing about. Usually Ask Others Self & Others
there's just a little thing that snowballed.
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[–] brand790 7892 points 16 hours ago*
Everybody always says to be honest and to communicate with each other. The extra Ever read the reddiquette? Take a peek!
step that is left out is to not punish your spouse for being honest. Sometimes you
might hear things you don’t like, but if you punish this honesty, the communication css by qtx a community for 11 years
line will close.

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[–] Polly_want_a_Kraken 589 points 7 hours ago krispykrackers

Sometimes you might hear things you don’t like, but if you punish this flyryan
Ooer
honestly, the communication line will close. canipaybycheck
This, right here, is massively important. Neither of you is perfect and you will roastedbagel
ani625
both make mistakes. Learning from them and growing is what makes us better TheJackal8
as individuals and you should trust that your spouse loves you in spite of, and sexrockandroll
sometimes even because of, your imperfections. Not everything is going to be e36
IranianGenius
great and easy all the time and you have to feel ok being vulnerable and be ok
...and 22 more »
with your spouses vulnerability.
Strive to make each other better. Strive to be better for one another. < > discussions in r/AskReddit X
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You can get rid of all of your debt by going to
[–] Thatguy8679123 38 points 4 hours ago jail for 1 day per $1000 owed. You must go
to jail for your entire debt, no partial time,
Also if I can add. Early in relaships there is a lot of disclosure over very
personal things that's actually brings you together by sharing. During hard
times, dont throw these things in your so's face, as it closes communication
between you.
[–] pekes86 219 points 6 hours ago

g
This is a great point to an extent. However, what also needs to be a caveat here is that "at least I'm being honest!"
also doesn't excuse you, and does not mean your partner "isn't allowed" to be hurt by what you told them. Extreme
example, let's say one person cheated on the other and was honest about it. Sure, you don't want to punish honesty,
but you don't need to just forgive immediately and swallow your devastation over that either. I think the honesty thing
gets "used" sometimes in unhealthy relationships - it enables selfish people to continue wronging their partner with
fewer consequences as long as they're upfront.
I guess basically all of these apply to mutually respectful relationships anyway though eh. Like "give 60%, expect
40%" kind of relationships.
[–] MrMastodon 305 points 7 hours ago
My wife admitted tearfully to me once that she had taken out two credit cards to pay for a vacation we went on that
we were worried about being short on. Then maxed them out. We were in ok financial shape, but that extra
expenditure paying those off would be a problem.
I was furious on the inside. But I explained how I get felt and why. Told her we would fix it together. I never once
raised my voice or blamed her for messing up. Because she knew she had. Its been mentioned since but never as a
stick to beat her with. Everyone makes bad decisions.
Honest communication has done wonders for my marriage.
[–] anon-journey 155 points 6 hours ago
I never once raised my voice or blamed her for messing up. Because she knew she had.
This is important. Never get angry with someone who know's they've screwed up.
[–] Incorrectactually 30 points 2 hours ago*
You can get angry, and you should be expected to be angry. What you mean is never lash out at someone who
knows they screwed up.
[+] [deleted] 7 hours ago (19 children)
[–] lumpyoldpillow 3578 points 16 hours ago
Sometimes you’ll be helping each other poop or puke or both and cleaning it up.
Don’t ever bring this back up to humiliate the other.
[–] scoo89 2481 points 10 hours ago
My wife is pregnant and kind of......emotional. We have an agreement that I can't laugh at her farts unless she laughs
first.
This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done
[–] successadult 705 points 10 hours ago
Farts don’t get laughed at anymore our house, unless they’re particularly long or funny sounding. They’re just an
opportunity for the victim to look the farter in the eyes and deadpan “Disgusting” and then carry on.
It’s a tradition I hope we pass on to our future children and then have to apologize for when they say it to a kid at
school and get in trouble for being rude.
[–] BlueAndFuzzy 283 points 9 hours ago
My partner and I fist bump whenever we fart. It works out because I’m a silent but deadly farter most of the time
so he gets a heads up.
The best part is that his dad figured it out after my partner farted audibly and i reluctantly held out a fist. His
mom, however, saw random fist bumps and was convinced we were making fun of her. She claimed that on two
separate occasions in the span of a month.
[–] cantunderstandlol 194 points 7 hours ago
was convinced we were making fun of her

How would that even work?
"Fistbump whenever you think my mom is dumb"
[–] BazingaDaddy 24 points 5 hours ago
Stop giving away their secrets!

[–] MarieMarion 112 points 5 hours ago
When I was pregnant I cried for an hour because some people were kind of ugly. Good luck.
She was upset and couldn't sleep because of the US government shut down yesterday. Neither of us work for the
US government and we live in Canada.
I understand WHY she is upset but more importantly is that I don't understand.
[–] TedStriker63 160 points 8 hours ago
Pregnant wife once burst into tears yelling I don’t love her because I forgot to tell them no cheese on the sandwich.
About 5 minutes later she apologized and said ‘she didn’t know where the hell that came from’.
She’s pretty logical so this was (hopefully) just a random hormone swing. Once she apologized I knew I could laugh.
Before that may have proven fatal. Good luck!
[–] desdemona_d 402 points 10 hours ago
When I had my wisdom teeth removed, I got nauseous from the codeine pain killers the dentist gave me. I ran into
the bathroom to vomit, threw up in front of myself, slipped in the puke and in the process of falling I pulled the towel
bar off the wall and cut my head with it. My husband picked me up, put me in the shower and cleaned the bathroom
up after me. That was year two and 2019 is year 28. I love him.
[–] RMuzzy 96 points 7 hours ago
On the six month anniversary of myself and my current partner, we went to play mini golf, which ended early because
she was starting to feel sick. We went back to my place to watch some TV before she went home. She ended up
having to throw up a couple times, which led to diarrhea, which led to simultaneously pooping and vomiting. I made a
nice bed for her on the bathroom floor and gave her some sweatpants to keep warm because she was in a dress. An
hour or so later I got called in, and eventually in between her heaving I was informed she had shit my pants. She
went from never pooping while around me to pooping my pants that night. We’re still together four and a half years
after that incident. It makes for a great conversation starter whenever we meet new people.
[–] FacetiousTomato 2646 points 17 hours ago
Sometimes you're wrong and sometimes they're wrong. Don't keep score, and don't use "well last time..." as an
excuse to keep going when you're the one who is wrong.
Also, talk things through.
[–] Frolic_Tv 30 points 8 hours ago
Can’t stress this enough. Not married but this is one of the bigger reasons my last relationship didn’t work out. Ive
tried to talk things out but it could only get so far. Don’t keep score. Forgive and forget or if anything move the fuck
on.
[–] Luckboy28 1049 points 17 hours ago
Respectfulness is often more important than the old saying about communication. Respecting your partner, being
mindful of things they're doing, etc.
Learn when your partner is focused on something, and avoid interrupting them, etc.
Respect each other's need for free-time away from each other.
Respect your partner enough to not trash the house, or force your partner to do all the household chores.
[–] Malgayne 629 points 14 hours ago
Love your partner the way they need to be loved, not the way you need to be loved.
[–] tardymarty 1372 points 12 hours ago
I’m a divorce attorney and I’ve been married for almost 20 years. Here’s the secret: be the kind of spouse that you
would like to have by your side. Forgive the things you would like to be forgiven for and fight for the things that you
would like someone to fight for on your behalf. The best way to have a good spouse is to be one.
[–] Polly_want_a_Kraken 29 points 7 hours ago
Well put.
[–] EpicBlinkstrike187 9100 points 17 hours ago
Give each other space and alone time.

If he wants to veg out and play video games for a couple hours let him. If she wants to unwind watching reality tv or
reading books, let her. Don't have to be connected at the hip to have a successful marriage.
This is huge.
Time. Alone. Is. Required.
[–] thesean29 797 points 16 hours ago
Will you tell my wife for me?

Sure. Will you tell mine?

Then neither of us will be in trouble with our own wives.
Genius!
[–] thesean29 147 points 14 hours ago
I like where your heads at.

[–] HyperreaIism 129 points 13 hours ago
us right now. he’s on his computer playing league and i’m on reddit and watching criminal minds while our
roommates are playing with our kids lol
[–] iwishiwasaseahorse 262 points 12 hours ago
This is very true BUT, time and setting are very important. If you and your partner regularly enjoy alone time and one
partner communicates that there’s been a little too much alone time, you need to respect that too.
[–] RJ_McR 168 points 16 hours ago
This all should dovetail with just enjoying each other's company when you do spend time together.
Doesn't matter what you're doing, as long as you continue to please the other simply with your existence.
[–] AccomplishedLeopard 45 points 11 hours ago
Thiiiiiissssss. Having someone you’re comfortable just sitting in silence with

[–] little_blue_dino 299 points 16 hours ago
At this very moment my husband is playing video games and I'm vegging on the couch on Reddit. You know why?
Because we both need time to unwind and refresh on our own after work.
Alone time is key!
[–] EpicBlinkstrike187 134 points 16 hours ago
Yup that is me and my wife most nights, well after dinner and such.
I sit and play rimworld or mess on reddit and she reads her book. We are usually both in the living room but hardly
talk to each other. I play some songs on our bluetooth speaker and she says 'oh play suchandsuch song next". It's
quite relaxing.
[–] nobodytrickedme 88 points 13 hours ago
My SO's and I first "date" hangout after we discovered mutual feelings: She came over after work, we ended up
reading books sitting on different couches and talking for a few minutes every so often. When we both had our fill
of reading there was cuddling for a while until she had to go home. It was great.
[–] Tintri77 254 points 13 hours ago
My husband so doesn't get this. Even if I'm in the same room, it's not good enough. "I thought we were watching this
together?".
Really? This show you know I don't like that you chose with out any input from me?
I'd rather read, but he'll pest on me (pester me) til the end of time til I pretend to watch.
[–] Tumble85 160 points 12 hours ago
Why don't you just say "I don't want to watch it, I just wanted to be in the same room with you?"
[–] Tintri77 184 points 11 hours ago
I have (though really, unless I want to read at the kitchen table or on the toilet I don't have much choice in
rooms). He's an odd duck. Bc we aren't both watching, we aren't doing it together. We are talking about someone
who has said, in all seriousness, that if we have more than one dog they have to be the same breed and color (2
black labs, not a yellow and black) otherwise it'll look weird bc they don't match. I was more of the mind, you like
X breed, I like Z breed -porque no los dos?
We used to go get subs for dinner, he liked one place better, I liked the place next door to it better. My idea? You
go in and get yours, I'll go get mine, we'll go home and eat together. Nope. Not sharing a meal bc they came from
two different places.
I once made us stir fry with water chestnuts and mushrooms. He doesn't like water chestnuts, I don't like
mushrooms so I Jack Spratt-ed it. He was all put out bc we were no longer sharing the same meal.
[–] Annerthepig 359 points 11 hours ago
Wow, that sounds exhausting.

[–] omimon 201 points 10 hours ago
In all seriousness, what you mentioned seems like evidence of your husband being on the spectrum.
[–] aceofsteffs 50 points 11 hours ago
I’m not trying to pretend I know what’s up with him, but I’ve been like that before and I know it comes from
me being more prone to codependency.
[–] fuckingpopcorn 24 points 12 hours ago
But how do you give your partner alone time while you are having an argument? I can feel toxic thoughts festering in
my brain and I feel like I need to talk about it right now before it gets worse and he needs alone time to calm down.
[–] Majikkani_Hand 55 points 12 hours ago
Write it down instead.

[–] SeaTie 19 points 14 hours ago
Totally. Something I had to learn the hard way through a lot of early relationships. You have to have hobbies away
from each other...the relationship CAN'T be the hobby.
[–] deckpumps_n_deldos 2866 points 17 hours ago
my friend told me it's two blankets on the bed, one for each of you....
[–] TheFeshy 929 points 11 hours ago
My wife used to get hot, and throw her blanket off the side of the bed opposite me. Then she'd get cold, and steal
mine. Well, I started putting an extra blanket on my side of the bed, and when she'd steal mine, I'd just let her have it
and grab my "spare." I'm sure you can guess how that turned out - she'd repeat the process, and I'd still spend the
night cold. It turns out I needed four to six blankets to get through the night. In the morning I just move them all
back to my side of the bed. I was working on developing some sort of automatic conveyor system to bring the
blankets back to my side, when out of the blue she stopped stealing my blankets. Now we just have the two.
So two blankets, at a minimum.

[–] Meta-EvenThisAcronym 347 points 7 hours ago
Sew the blankets together in a continuous, connected loop so that whenever she tosses it to the size, there's just
more blanket to replace it.
[–] MJRocky 141 points 7 hours ago
But then you'd need gaps in it for her to get cold then want to get warm again. Otherwise she'd just rifle through
the whole thing (or wake up)
[–] SpiderFnJerusalem 165 points 7 hours ago
This sounds like an engineering challenge.

[–] OfSpock 60 points 7 hours ago
Alternating blankets and sheets.

[–] Juran_Alde 168 points 16 hours ago
My wife and I use separate blankets, it’s fantastic.

[–] jabbadarth 77 points 11 hours ago
Separate blankets and separate sheets. Took us 2 years or so to get there but it makes sleeping so much more
enjoyable. No losing your blankets when your partner rolls over, no sweating from your partners excessive body heat.
Just comfortable sleep.
[–] saltpancake 57 points 14 hours ago
We like different types of blankets, so we have two and that’s great most of the time. BUT then when you want to
snuggle up close it’s this whole mess of layers and overlap and suddenly-cold-air.
[–] rboymtj 545 points 17 hours ago
We're looking forward to the age where it's socially acceptable to have two twin beds.
[–] TiniroX 374 points 16 hours ago
Haven't met my S/O yet, but I hope she likes Bunk Beds :D
[–] borismuller 211 points 10 hours ago
More room for activities!

[–] Oneironaut108 128 points 17 hours ago
Wasn't this an actual thing in the recent past? Like not just a TV thing due to indecency but couples actually slept
apart?
I know centuries ago at least with wealthy/royal couples in many cultures, it was completely normal. The queen had
her own chambers.
[–] rainjays 181 points 17 hours ago
Queen Elizabeth still has her own room. Sleeping apart gave couples more privacy and better sleeping conditions--
but commoners would save money and share a bed.
[–] LovelyAlbatross 71 points 11 hours ago
I heard it use to be common. My grandparents sleep in seperate rooms. It seemed weird as a kid, but I would
totally be down now
[–] Terror_that_Flaps 70 points 8 hours ago
Mine did, too until my grandfather's death. They slept in separate rooms after their two oldest moved out, I
think. Big age gap to the youngest one, so it could've been after she left. My grandfather had Alzheimer's in
the end and while they were still in the same house, the children had to take turns watching him for like a
week because my grandma was in the hospital for minor surgery. Apparently she told my aunt, uncle, and my
mom not to sleep in her room as grandpa was known to show up in the middle of the night for cuddles.
[–] droid_mike 21 points 10 hours ago
My grandparents slept in separate beds, with a giant imposing cross on the wall between them.
[–] PooFlingerMonkey 94 points 16 hours ago
We have always done this due to sleep habits. I'm a nocturnal critter, and she just sleeps all the time...
[–] intothefixture 26 points 16 hours ago
My grandparents had this arrangement when I was growing up. The beds could be pushed together if desired and
were sometimes, but usually they were apart, making them perfect for jumping between.
[–] CoolingOreos 65 points 16 hours ago
my husband and I have a split-king bed. http://prntscr.com/matc4d

we each have our own side of the bed and it can go up and down separately.
[–] Autumn_Sweater 71 points 8 hours ago
seems like a good way to sink into the ass-crack of the bed and get stuck
[–] CraigTJones 33 points 17 hours ago
We just started doing this and it’s amazing.

[–] spockgiirl 554 points 16 hours ago
No matter what happens, we're on the same side and working towards the same goals.
From work to family members, the rest of the world can be a butt, but at the end of the day, we chose each other and
we remember why.
[–] Arelaune 3098 points 16 hours ago
If one person voluntarily cleans something the other person is expected to not complain about how the job was done.
They might not load the dishwasher the way you do, but they did load it. That is a win.
[–] KaijuRaccoon 1174 points 15 hours ago
I think people will read this and ignore it, or not really understand it - basically, if YOU did not clean it, even a "little"
comment about how messy something is, is incredibly rude, no matter your intent.
As the person who gets saddled with all the cleaning and household chores, nothing makes me feel more like shit than
an offhanded comment about how "messy" the house is, because it's just painfully obvious that all the constant work I
do isn't noticed. I can do six loads of laundry, run the dishwasher, clean the catbox, and vacuum the house, but none
of that matters because "oh, you didn't *take the bathroom garbage out??".
[–] Arelaune 294 points 14 hours ago
I am sorry. Your work should be appreciated.


[–] --VuDu-- 286 points 10 hours ago
This kills me so goddamn much, i work 6 days a week but i love cooking so i tend to cook a lot even after a long day.
My partner must have gotten used to me cooking all the time and once felt the need to tell me that her steak which i
paid for, shoped for, which jtook home and cooked with a side of salad and roast veggies, after working for 8 hours
"wasnt great" cause it wasnt pink enough, it was still pink in the middle, seasoned, seared and fresh of the grill but it
was at least worth making a negative comment about.
[–] TryUsingScience 204 points 10 hours ago
That sounds really frustrating.

I have the opposite problem. My wife cooks a lot and I really appreciate it. I hate to tell her anything negative
about a meal she's made because I'm happy to have food. But if she tries something new and I dislike it and I
hide my dislike too well, she'll make that same thing again and again and get really confused as to why I'm not
eating the leftovers.
She keeps telling me that she wants my honest opinion, but I feel like such a dick every time I have to tell her
that I don't like this food that she thoughtfully made for me.
[–] --VuDu-- 96 points 9 hours ago
Now for me, if its bad i wanna know, but if my normal steak is an 8/10, this was a 7/10 at worst, i could tell it
wasnt great but it definately wasnt terrible or even bad, but it wasnt as good as normal
If i'm experimenting u wanna know what sucks so i can make it better.
[–] freshpicked12 278 points 13 hours ago
Same thing goes for parenting! My husband is incapable of picking out clothes that match when dressing our son for
preschool, but I don’t complain because my son is dressed and ready and that’s all that matters. Now, would I send
him to school in red pants, a green striped shirt, and yellow socks? No, no I would not. But the job got done, so in the
end, I’m thankful to my husband.
[–] jabbadarth 143 points 11 hours ago
Thanks for this. I take my son to preschool every day because my wife works earlier than I do. She has on a few
occasions noted his seemingly odd clothing pairings but I pointed out to her 2 options
1. She is welcome to pick out clothes and lay them out nightly for him
2. I will happily call her while our son is complaining that he doesnt want to wear the dinosaur shirt today and
hates jeans.
Sometimes we turn late and he gets what he wants just to get him out the door.
I think she got the point and now we are on the same page for clothing. (Give or take)
[–] boobsmcgraw 104 points 7 hours ago
Little kids should get to choose what they wear anyway for the most part. They have no other control over their
lives and it's frustrating. Wearing what they want doesn't hurt anyone.
[–] sad_butterfly_tattoo 37 points 5 hours ago
As long as it's weather/activity appropiate, I agree with you. I would say it develops their autonomy. Besides,
if you can't wear a dinosaur hoodie, a superhero costume or a 'princess dress' as a kid, when is it going to be
the moment?
[–] shellbear05 209 points 11 hours ago
My husband and I say, “If you’re doing it, you’re doing it right.” I recognized this after growing up with a mother who
had ridiculously high expectations and could never be pleased by the quality of my chores. 😓
THIS! If your SO doesn’t feel appreciated, and all you do is complain that they did something the “wrong way” then
they will stop doing shit for you.
[–] iwishiwasaseahorse 172 points 12 hours ago
My husband and I experienced this on a reverse bell curve. He helped with household chores at the beginning and I
was an asshat and would complain. He stopped doing chores. I learned to stop being an asshat and became an
expressly grateful person, now he does lots of chores again and I always express profuse gratitude. If I don’t like the
way something is done, I still express gratitude and leave it alone. It’s probably not a huge deal anyway. If it’s
something that really bothers me. I quietly re-do it as long as it isn’t an obvious re-do that would hurt his feelings.
Ie. if he folded my shirts and put them away in the wrong spot I thank him and leave it, and put them in the right
spot later.
Service to others is some people’s love language, and if you shit on them when they do it for how they do it or
anything else, they will feel unloved.
[–] wisconsennach 83 points 13 hours ago
This is something that I have had to work on. I told my husband I was upset because it felt like I had to do
everything, and he responded that he felt like, when he did stuff, it wasn't "right" because it wasn't my way. I've tried
very hard to stop doing that.
Except for the laundry. Because he never puts it away when he folds it, and also never sorts it while folding. That's
some monster shit.
[–] LaurenShisler 37 points 12 hours ago
THIS. This doesn’t apply to just s/o relationships. This applies to families too. My father throws absolute conniptions
over shit like this cause it’s not done how he does it “if you just pay attention to how I load while you’re putting it
away we wouldn’t be arguing!”. It’s such a dumb listing thing.
[–] AlexandritePhoenix 15 points 11 hours ago
My parents don't complain about each other's efforts. They just go around behind each other redo all the work the
other has done. It's infuriating to watch. They never comment on it. What one does, the other undoes and then
redoes, and then the first one undoes and redoes it again. Nobody complains, but darn it is unhealthy.
[–] file132013 1940 points 17 hours ago
It sounds trite, but honest communication.

[–] Gadarn 631 points 16 hours ago
I agree that honest communication is essential to successful relationships, but I get a kick out of the fact that Mark
Manson's crowd-sourcing of marriage advice found "communication" to be the top tip from people who had been
through divorces and/or had only been with their partners for 10-15 years, while people in longer marriages listed
"respect" as the most important aspect.
From https://markmanson.net/relationship-advice
As we scanned through the hundreds of responses we received, my assistant and I began to notice an interesting
trend.
People who had been through divorces and/or had only been with their partners for 10-15 years almost always
talked about communication being the most important part of making things work. Talk frequently. Talk openly.
Talk about everything, even if it hurts.
And there is some merit to that (which I’ll get to later).
But we noticed that the thing people with marriages going on 20, 30, or even 40 years talked about most was
respect.
My sense is that these people, through sheer quantity of experience, have learned that communication, no matter
how open, transparent and disciplined, will always break down at some point. Conflicts are ultimately unavoidable,
and feelings will always be hurt.
And the only thing that can save you and your partner, that can cushion you both to the hard landing of human
fallibility, is an unerring respect for one another, the fact that you hold each other in high esteem, believe in one
another — often more than you each believe in yourselves — and trust that your partner is doing his/her best with
what they’ve got.
Without that bedrock of respect underneath you, you will doubt each other’s intentions. You will judge their choices
and encroach on their independence. You will feel the need to hide things from one another for fear of criticism.
And this is when the cracks in the edifice begin to appear.
[–] dtmsempre 149 points 16 hours ago
This I would agree a lot more with. I am approaching 20 years of marriage, and I can count on one hand the amount
of conversations where I was honest and tactful in my communication and it was actually productive. The rest of the
times that I tried that it didn’t accomplish anything productive.
And one of the things that bugs the hell out of me is when my wife is disrespectful to me in front of our kids or others.
That’s a huge root of many of our problems.
[–] SeeYouNextTyrsday 36 points 9 hours ago
The key to productive communication is mutual respect. It's like one big ole katamari ball of advice.
[–] Diana_of_Nemi 1379 points 17 hours ago
Don't correct the other person unless it's important. Otherwise it'll just raise the level of irritation. More generally, pick
your battles.
Yup, my wife mispeaks all the time. Tonight she asked me to put "ice on the front step". I know she meant salt, what
good would pointing it out make.
I realize you're talking about bigger things, but if it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.
[–] WAO138 54 points 7 hours ago
OK. Let's see what I learned from this thread to have a failed marriage. Put ice on the front step. Watch her fall down.
Laugh hard. Don't understand why she's angry at you.
[–] trouble_ann 26 points 7 hours ago
Mr Amelia Bedelia??
[–] BurnsinTX 440 points 12 hours ago
This is true. If your spouse calls a squid an octopus, fuck it, let it go.
[–] TheFeshy 829 points 11 hours ago 2
No, she said it was okay to correct something if it was important. Cephalopods are serious business!
[–] mrsmiley32 230 points 10 hours ago
Caveat that goes with all rules, only applies if that isn't part of your fun dynamic. My wife loves to correct my
grammatical and historical mistakes, and since I really don't care what exact year group x won what war, or the
proper usage of idiom y, well let's play games.
She corrects, I go nahhhh it was original assertion, she checks google and dances a happy dance and I sit back and
continue not caring and happy she is happy.
[–] yakovgolyadkin 54 points 8 hours ago
Bingo. It's fine to correct them, but only if it's understood that it's okay. I correct my fiancee's grammar mistakes
regularly, but that's only because English is her second language and she's asked me to tell her if she gets something
wrong.
[–] hysterical_theme 909 points 16 hours ago
Making all the rules spoken. Unspoken rules are basically land mines.
[–] WhalingBanshee 147 points 10 hours ago
Agreed. Nothing ruins a(ny) relationship faster than taking something for granted which never has been
communicated.
[–] AlwaysWithTheOpinion 697 points 14 hours ago
NEVER DISRESPECT YOUR PARTNER. NOT IN PUBLIC, OR IN CONVERSATIONS TO YOUR FRIENDS, OR IN FRONT OF
THE KIDS, ETC.
[–] sprintsprintsprint 190 points 12 hours ago
Friend of my brother does this. She is such a nice, educated, and successful women. He always berates her and puts
her down in front of others. It is so sad to treat your SO like that. Really makes me want to say something but I know
it's just going to make it more awkward for everyone especially her. So ugly of a person to do that.
[–] rednoise 100 points 11 hours ago
This is big. My wife and I made an agreement, even when we started dating, that we wouldn't complain to others
about each other. If we have problems, we need to work them out between each other. That shit doesn't need to leak
out to others.
Obviously, if you're in an abusive relationship -- verbal or physical -- this is different. But if you're arguing about
where to put the linens, there's no reason to pick up the phone and dial your friend.
[–] Nagsheadlocal 2517 points 16 hours ago
If your partner is in a bad mood, leave him/her alone for a while.

Why people "pick" at someone who's in a bad mood is beyond me.
[–] greenlalten 1087 points 10 hours ago
Coz the same person later says that you didnt care last time he/she were in bad mood.
[–] supergoldisme 562 points 9 hours ago
This guy marriages

[–] LadyShanna92 160 points 10 hours ago
So that you snap and they're suddenly the victim. or at least that is how some people operate
[–] quelder_sparks 19 points 7 hours ago
What if they snap and you disintegrate?

[–] toddthefox47 75 points 8 hours ago
I recently got "Why do you always leave [the room] when I'm sad?"
Because when you're sad you snap at me or ignore me. I don't blame her for it, I know she doesn't feel good, but it
still hurts sometimes.
[–] almoostashar 25 points 6 hours ago
This messes me up the most.

When they're pissed and I pry to see why, I'm fucked cause they're not in the mood and they need alone time,
and when I see that and leave them alone, I'm a cold motherfucker who doesn't care.
So it is just a matter of when do I feel like taking that bullet, right now or the next time she's pissed.
[–] coffeebaconboom 47 points 9 hours ago
It's hard and it sucks. I recently told my husband that sometimes I'm just in a bad mood and angry, not necessarily
because of something he did but because of life. He can't fix it but he can let me get it out of my system. I know I
struggle to do that for him. It's a learning process but an important one.
[–] rio_jf 1520 points 17 hours ago
50-50 doesn't exist. In fact it's harmful. What you're looking for is 60-40: sometimes you get 60, sometimes you get
40.
[–] KittyLilith17 1407 points 15 hours ago
It's funny, my dad always said 50/50 was a shit show. It should be 100/100. You aren't half of a couple. You are your
own, complete person sharing your life with another whole person. You don't split things in half or divide anything
(intangible, not applicable to real objects) because that's the first step to not putting in 100% of your effort. He and
my mom were together for 33 years before she died.
[–] rio_jf 242 points 15 hours ago
I love this response. TOTALLY. At the end of the day, to quantify the human experience--especially something as
important as a relationship--is totally ridiculous if not harmful. Another piece of advice I received besides the 60-40
advice was, "a relationship is a series of compromises, one after the other. Never-ending." You're always "giving
something up". But so is the other person. Sacrifice has to be defined as giving up something good for something
better...and both people should believe the relationship is something better.
[–] ddh85 75 points 10 hours ago
One of my favorite phrases goes something along the lines of "diamonds cutting diamonds".
You are able to improve each other to refine each other, but the process can hurt because it forces you to realize
how broken of a person you actually are.
You're a team, every time.
[–] Stop_screwing_around 101 points 15 hours ago
This is the truth.

If you are with someone that notes ‘things are not exactly 50/50’ you are in for a bad time.
They always seem to forget your effort, but their effort is always 50%.
[–] RareSpine 38 points 15 hours ago
Yikes, I may actually be guilty of this, and I never even thought about it that way.
[–] HektorViktorious 98 points 11 hours ago
My dad always says that a successful marriage/relationship is where both parties feel like the lucky one, trying to be
the one giving 60.
[–] KittyLilith17 193 points 15 hours ago
It's not you vs. them. It's you two vs. the problem.
Saying something BEFORE it becomes a problem.
Putting your spouse before your children. Seriously.
[–] PooFlingerMonkey 644 points 17 hours ago
Remember that the last words you have spoken to her may be the last words she ever hears from you.
[–] Suibian_ni 557 points 9 hours ago
Beautiful advice, PooFlingerMonkey.

[–] dhmt 317 points 11 hours ago
If your SO drops the pot of dinner on the floor, or the garbage bag bursts and makes a mess, you step in and say "Go
sit down and watch TV. I will clean this!" There is nothing more frustrating than making the effort to keep your family
clean and fed, and having to fight against the universe at the same time.
If your SO has your back at exactly that moment, it's instant love.
[–] mjs6448 163 points 13 hours ago
I’m not married but my dad once told me to never make a big purchase without taking to your spouse about it and to
never hold money against each other.
[–] Radiatron 299 points 17 hours ago
Have separate interests and also shared interests

[–] neverbeaten 92 points 16 hours ago
And friends.
[–] Radiatron 51 points 16 hours ago
Definitely, we have mutual groups but also see our own ones
[–] Veritas3333 74 points 13 hours ago
One rule I've followed for the last decade is that I never ignore calls from my wife. If she's calling or texting me, I
answer no matter what.
[–] youknopeit 737 points 15 hours ago
Never use the d-word (divorce). Assume it’s not an option. Assume it’s never an option. Every fight you work through
the best you can. You won’t always agree. But at the end of the day, neither of you is going anywhere.
It allows you to be vulnerable and honest about things without worrying your spouse will dip out on you depending on
what you say.
I’m not saying divorce is never the option, I truly believe being cheated on and similar issues are hard (not
impossible, but incredibly difficult) to work through. Once trust is gone, it can be irreparable. But if you live life
assuming divorce is off the table, and focus on trying to strengthen your relationship in the difficult times, it will
change your marriage drastically.
[–] awfulhat 215 points 11 hours ago
Absolutely. We even have a 'no joking about divorce' rule. It'snot a light thing, and no laughing matter.
[–] thrombolytic 87 points 10 hours ago
This is a big one for me. It's not a joke or a threat or an ultimatum. It's a last resort.
That bell can't be un-rung. It will sting. Don't bring it up unless you mean it. And if that rule exists going in, then
conversations have a boundary that, if crossed, really means something.
[–] GrandeWhiteMocha 275 points 14 hours ago
Trust isn’t just about believing your partner won’t lie or cheat on you. It also means believing they have your best
interests at heart, giving them the benefit of the doubt as much as possible, and not needing to win arguments purely
“on principle.” You aren’t afraid of starting a slippery slope of laziness if you go ahead and take care of one of “their”
chores. You don’t try to punish each other’s mildly annoying quirks (even though you might make no secret of the fact
that they annoy you.) You don’t say mean things behind each other’s’ back. You should be able to make your spouse
your #1 priority without worrying that they’ll abuse it.
[–] CSnarf 74 points 11 hours ago
Love is a decision. Some days that decision is harder than others.

Some days they carry you. Some days you carry them. It should balance out eventually- but the time scale is years.
Do something together so you have something to talk about.
It’s okay to do things apart too- important even. My husband loves art films. I don’t- he goes without me. I love
running, He doesn’t- I go without him. You still get to be an individual, you don’t have to do everything together.
Don’t expect the other person to deeply change. Learn to compromise and work around problems together. Your
husband hates laundry and won’t do it? Okay- he does dishes instead.
[–] CobraCabana 255 points 16 hours ago
Mutual hatred of the same things.

[–] ThisIsNotJimmy 85 points 16 hours ago
We like the "what the fuck is wrong with those people; hey, at least we're not like that" mentality
[–] neverbeaten 69 points 16 hours ago
Figure out what's a big deal and what's a little deal (or irritation). Let the small stuff go. Every. Time. It's almost all
small stuff. You'll rarely get upset at each other after you both master it.
If you have kids, it’s ok to put your SO first. A healthy marriage is better for kids in the long run than a mom or dad
that waits on their kids hand and foot.
[–] dawndollygolden 303 points 12 hours ago
I'm divorced- but I feel this applies. When my husband and I were on the verge of divorce he tried to make me give
up my cat. I told him I'd divorce him before I gave up my cat. He couldn't believe I'd choose my cat over him (my cat
didn't sleep with another woman while I was pregnant). He packed up and left the next day.
Three lessons 1) Don't marry someone if you'd choose your cat over them.
2) Don't marry someone who'd make you give up your cat.
3) If they cheat while you're dating, a wedding ring isn't magically going to make them loyal.
[–] rainbowpheonix 106 points 7 hours ago
I mean I hope this is not a real thing because I think I would choose my cat over anyone.
Not because the cat is genuinely more important but because there is no legitimate reason why anyone would need to
make me give up my cat and therefore anyone who tries is an arsehole and my cat is better than them (even though
he's an arsehole too).
[–] lovelikemeow 18 points 7 hours ago
Husband and I joke about this all the time. We're both adults and can take care of ourselves. The cats are cats and
can't even open their own food.
I'm picking the cats.
[–] ultraprismic 50 points 11 hours ago
Less of a rule and more of a tip for young couples: There are two apps that have been critical to my happy marriage
(together almost 11 years, married for 7). A shared Google Calendar and a grocery list app called OurGroceries that
lets you “add” people to the list. No more “what do you mean we have plans this weekend, I just said we could do this
other thing,” no more “hey I’m at the store right this minute what do we need” texts.
[–] uniqueusername5001 408 points 17 hours ago
1. NEVER use the "D" word (divorce) unless you're really prepared to go there.
2. Laugh. Like a lot.
3. Learn to know when you fucked up and genuinely apologize, without using the word "but".
4. Date nights, always make time for date nights.
5. Pick your battles wisely.
6. Get a dog! It's fun to obsess equally over something insanely sweet and adorable.
[–] NippleSalsa 149 points 12 hours ago
My wife and I use "I want a divorce" as a way of saying "you are a butt hole" or other childish ways a four year old
would insult you. It's a goof we been doing for years. It's a meaningless joke now. Cracks me up.
[–] ClaireHux 94 points 12 hours ago
We do the same. My favorite is, "I'm going to the courthouse." Keeps things light.
[–] sdf_cardinal 92 points 9 hours ago
I say, “Well, we had a good run!”

[–] vlgoodwin6 21 points 11 hours ago
We use it only as a useless threat. "You ate the last Oreo? Ugh. I'm leaving you."
[–] ChampionOfTheThrone 24 points 10 hours ago
Dark humour like this is what my marriage was built on. We throw it around so casually in a joking way.
[–] MpVpRb 204 points 16 hours ago
I can't speak for my wife, but for me .. tolerance and acceptance

Most days, she loves me. Some other days, she hates me. I know it's not about me, it's about all of the other stresses
in her life. Even on her worst day, I still say ..
I love you. How can I help
[–] ChampionOfTheThrone 23 points 10 hours ago
This is honestly key. My husband and I have been together 7 years and married 5. People always ask us how we’re
doing it so young and how we’re so content in our relationship and my husband always says by tolerance and
acceptance.
[–] TinyFriendlyMonsters 558 points 13 hours ago*
If she stops nagging, that's when the problem has transcended from Small Issue to Big Fucking Problem. It
means she's beginning to give up on you.
Marriage is a lot like being in business together. You must do your part and make good on your half of the
bargain. It is extremely arrogant to expect someone to love you unconditionally. (Not saying it doesn't happen,
but don't expect it.) Don't get lazy. A marriage is work. Keep putting in an effort.
There are inevitably going to be people who are better looking than your spouse. There may also be people
better suited to be your partner than your spouse and if you hadn't met your spouse first, things could be
different. But you made a commitment and it is your job to stick with it.
Go on dates.
Get an active hobby together. (My husband and I run and play squash.)
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Inside jokes are a must.
Unless you want some genuine advice, don't air your dirty laundry in public. Keep serious arguments private.
And lastly never EVER go to r/relationships.
[–] TheWayfaringDreamer 127 points 12 hours ago
My grandpa shared this advice with me. He's been married to my grandma for 67 years:
When you feel like you're going to get into an argument, go into the bedroom, take all of your clothes off, and argue.
You just might end up with more children than you anticipated.
[–] minyman60 38 points 7 hours ago
How have you and your 17 siblings come to terms with that strategy?
[–] coloradoconvict 335 points 13 hours ago
Always make her come. Don't get lazy about it.

[–] acox1701 377 points 11 hours ago
Always making her come seems both lazy and disrespectful. You should sometimes just stand up, and go over to her.
[–] cpqarray 270 points 17 hours ago
Put all the restaurants name in your area in a hat. Agree that you will decide where to eat based on the name you pull
out of the hat.
[–] mariehstev 197 points 11 hours ago
5-2-1 is a good rule of thumb for us. One person picks 5 (of anything- restaurants, movies, etc), the other person
picks their top 2 choices, and the first person decides from those two. That way it's definitely something you both
want.
[–] MKUltra16 36 points 7 hours ago
I like this but we would literally starve to death and die before I could come up with 5 options.
[–] Dick_Cuckingham 95 points 17 hours ago
I got a "spin the wheel of choices" app and put all the restaurants we frequent on it. I would just use that to answer
when she asked what I want.
[–] Matt7738 72 points 12 hours ago
We play YELP ROULETTE. We set the filters based on the situation (number of dollar signs, stars, kid friendly, etc) and
then ask someone to pick a number between 1-10. Whichever restaurant is that number, that’s where we go.
[–] cinemakitty 18 points 11 hours ago
We have a “where the fuck should we eat” spreadsheet on google docs. Sort by price ($-$$$), type (fast, fast casual,
pub, restaurant), nationality of food. It’s been amazing for us.
Or we play 3-2-1. First person says 3 places that sounds good. Second person crosses off the choice they like least (or
just says which sounds best). First person decides between final two.
[–] HobGadlingson 195 points 10 hours ago
TEXTING IS FOR GROCERY LISTS AND LOGISTICS ONLY. No arguments or fighting of any kind of via text. None.
If you have something contentious to say, you say it in person. A voice call may be used as a last resort, or if we are
in different states or something. But when we are in the same city, every single argument or heavy duty discussion
happens face to face. No exceptions.
This has saved us so much drama compared to other couples we know. Particularly because I was a writer by trade,
so when somebody is fighting with me in written form, I am not always trying to communicate. I am trying to win.
Winning is not a smart married man’s strategy. Understanding should be the goal.
[–] awbx58 107 points 16 hours ago
Mutual respect and amusement. Both of you should respect each other and find each other’s flaws and foibles
amusing.
Everything else just comes down to putting in the work - and it doesn’t have to be hard work all the time either,
sometimes it’s just putting in the time.
My wife adds: assume good intentions! You’re partner loves you, he’s no trying to be inconsiderate, thoughtless, or a
dick and she’s not trying to be a bitch or a nag.
(Her words, not mine)
[–] CKT1 41 points 16 hours ago
Respecting their personal space

Completely know the person for a long time before getting married.
[–] Nowforscd 37 points 12 hours ago
If you’re going to buy one piece of really expensive, nice furniture, get a quality bed with the best mattress. You’re
going to spend up to 1/3 of your life in this spot with this person, no need to piss each other off because you’re
sleeping in a bad bed.
[–] hercoffee 89 points 15 hours ago
Acknowledge anything that mildly annoys you immediately

[–] AlwaysWithTheOpinion 56 points 14 hours ago
And when you fight, fight fair! No name calling or bringing up shit from the past!
[–] underscorex3 32 points 16 hours ago
remember to work when listening. imagine with empathy that what your partner is saying is true to the best of his/her
ability and share in the work to meet him/her halfway. you need to change for your partner as much as they do for
you. you are both growing. grow together.
[–] r3dl3opard 61 points 17 hours ago
Counselling if you’re struggling.

[–] Fibnoid 343 points 14 hours ago
Don’t fucking lie. Ever.

[–] tinypeopleinthewoods 477 points 11 hours ago
I’m not telling my wife that I ate the kids fruit snacks. Fuck that.
[–] PM_ME_YOUR_STRESSORS 171 points 11 hours ago
Take that one to the grave my man

[–] stephenBB81 16 points 10 hours ago
Damn RIGHT!
And if I die tonight at this keyboard, the location of my home office snack stash dies with me!
[–] theTenebrus 28 points 15 hours ago
Marriage requires strong cooperative game theory. It is about as far from zero-sum as possible.
[–] helgahood 25 points 12 hours ago
You have to be friends, then lovers, then soulmates.

[–] JayJay5000 70 points 15 hours ago*
Unsolicited affection. And by affection I do not mean sexual advances (they each have their place).
[–] YOURtube_Lottery 53 points 14 hours ago
Never take anything for granted. appreciation goes a long long way
[–] Urto 117 points 15 hours ago
It's my 8 year anniversary today. Not having kids helped a shit-ton, I think?
[–] BlaiddDrwg82 42 points 14 hours ago
9th anniversary is in June. I also think this has helped a ton.

[–] The1TrueRedditor 17 points 9 hours ago
Remembering your anniversary probably helped too.

[–] MyCatsArePeople 23 points 16 hours ago
Don’t take things too seriously. Forgive and let shit go. Life is too short to be bitter. Just have fun.
[–] naburine 20 points 11 hours ago
Friendship.
If you treat your spouse as your best friend (or, even better, that person IS your best friend), you won't be going to
someone else with your problems. You will respect that person, be honest, and care very much for them. You won't be
afraid to show your feelings, and the sexual relations are a large benefit, but not a necessity, to a healthy relationship
with that person.
[–] drqxx 66 points 17 hours ago
Communication.
[–] pianoaddict772 19 points 13 hours ago
Compromise and Trust. Love doesn't come naturally. Love is hard work, a lot of talking and trust. You have to give and
take.
[–] h2f 52 points 15 hours ago
A lot of people said communication. I'd agree.

Nobody said trust. I see so much mistrust policing each other, wondering if your SO is cheating, etc. online. My wife
trusts me and I trust her.
Openness. My wife and I know each other's lock codes for phones, etc. If you're communicating and trust each other
you don't need secrets.
Confidence and lack of jealousy. If my wife is out with colleagues I don't feel threatened (flows naturally from the
three things above) and if I am photographing nude models (which happens a lot) she doesn't get jealous.
[–] lazyhorse282 32 points 10 hours ago
Snacks. Surprise snacks. Extra snacks. Snacks.
SNACKS.
[–] Conchobar8 18 points 10 hours ago
There is no unspoken rule. A successful marriage requires you to speak.

Talk often.
Talk about your day.
Talk about the little annoyances that happen from cohabitation. It’s the best way to stop them before they become
big.
And TALK ABOUT THE BIG THINGS. Most of them can be solved, but they can never be solved by silence.
Leave nothing unspoken.
And say “I love you” a lot as well. It’s a nice pick me up during the day.
[–] PM_ME_UR_fr-fr_VOCAB 15 points 9 hours ago
Going to marriage therapy isn't admitting defeat -- quite the opposite.

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I do this but then I get pissed he isn't helping haha

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That’s what my sister does. Just marry my sister instead ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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was convinced we were making fun of her

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Stop giving away their secrets!

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