BAR/BAT MITZVAH

A SUPPLEMENT TO THE JEWISH STANDARD · WINTER 2019

S-3 Jewish Standard WINTER 2019 BAR/BAT MITZVAH

Hi-tech Torah........................................................... 4
Digital learning for bar and bat mitzvah

Mitzvah with meaning.............................................. 5

Jewish agencies team up for event

Special bar mitzvah................................................. 6

The real ups and downs of the event

Life goes on............................................................ 8

Bar mitzvah for Pittsburgh’s Tree of Life Synagogue

Special teacher..................................................... 10
Every child can have a bar or bat mitzvah

Take it from a teen................................................. 12

Tips for an awesome bar or bat mitzvah

Twinning with a survivor........................................ 13

My son’s emotional Holocaust-related bar mitzvah project

Hats off!............................................................... 14
Bat mitzvah project gives warmth to area children

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Hi-tech
Torah
Digital learning for
bar and bat mitzvah
heidi mae bRatt
I
n one of the more memorable moments in the
2009 Coen brothers’ very Jewish film “A Serious
Man,” young Danny, the protagonist’s son, is pre-
paring for his bar mitzvah. To that end, Danny
listens to a cantor’s rendition of his haftorah
over and over again. The sounds are emanating
from a record player. We see the 33½ LP and the pho-
nograph that Danny uses to repeatedly practice learn-
ing the words, the tune, the cadence, the cantillation
of his haftorah so that he may appear in perfect pitch
and perfect form before his family and friends in their
suburban Minneapolis synagogue circa 1960 so he can
make them proud as he becomes a man.
No doubt the image of Danny and his record-player
haftorah resonates with people of a certain generation
who grew up learning to “leyn” their portion of the
Torah or haftorah this way. Certainly, the making of a
bar mitzvah boy resonated with the filmmakers, broth-
ers Joel and Ethan Coen, in this semi-autobiographical
comic-drama.
But since 1967, the year in which “A Serious Man”
takes place, and even since 2009, when the Academy-
Award nominated movie first hit theaters, preparing
for a bar and bat mitzvah has come a long way. People
A sample page of Chabad.org’s Torah Trainer, developed by Rabbi Chayim B. Alevsky.
whose memories are of the 1980s and early 1990s know
that cantors and tutors preparing youngsters for bar and
bat mitzvah advanced from record albums and used the
audiocassette tape to record the portion so that their
students could listen and learn from the tape recorder.
Listen. Stop. Rewind. Listen again. Or even cooler and
more mobile, bar and bat mitzvah students could hear
the cassette tape conveniently through the earphones of
their Sony Walkmans as they ambled along.
Techology kept leaping forward, and during the
middle 1990s, the audiotapes gave way to CDs, and
bar and bat mitzvah teachers began connecting micro-
phones to their computers and recording the portion
onto blank CDs.
These days the way in which Jewish teenagers
prepare for their bar or bat mitzvah has changed
Rabbi Chayim B.
Alevsky with a student
using Torah Trainer,
part of Chabad.org.
dramatically because of rapid technological innova-
tion. Not only has the format changed, but so has the
way in which these students are being tutored. Bar and
bat mitzvah students can receive audio versions of the
haftorah and blessings they need to learn though email
– something beyond imagination years ago. They also
can study with their tutors on Skype, FaceTime, Zoom,
Google Hangouts, and other digital platforms.
Tara Maier of Old Tappan was the first of her group
of friends to make the technological leap when she pre-
pared for her bat mitzvah, which took place at the end
of 2012. Now a 19-year-old freshman at Duke University
in North Carolina, Tara recalled the ease with which
she completed her study for the Nov. 17 event.
She had attended Hebrew school at Temple Beth El in
Closter from 3rd to 6th grades, but when her academic
S-5 Jewish Standard WINTER 2019 BAR/BAT MITZVAH

and extra-curricular schedule got very crowded in 7th
grade, Tara and her family decided it best to get a rabbi
who would be able to complete her training for her
Torah portion at a time that was more convenient and
that worked with her schedule.
The family found Rabbi Ronald Broden and they
opted for Tara to continue her studies via Skype.
“We did Skype lessons for the bat mitzvah,” Tara said.
“Since I had been in Hebrew school for so many years,
I already had the tools to use the Skype. I knew how to
read Hebrew and I knew the prayers. We worked on the
tunes and cantillation.
“Skype was definitely less immersive than Hebrew
school when you are with 10 other kids in the class and
you have a teacher in front of you. But since I had a very
strong foundation, and the lessons could be more flex-
ible, it really worked for me.
“The pluses were that it was much more convenient.
I could do my lessons at 8 o’clock at night. It also was
very individualized and personalized for me. Also, I
think that it wound up being less expensive to have the
Skype lessons.”
After Tara’s experience, she said, several of her
friends also decided to prepare for their bat and bar
mitzvahs the online way.
Rabbi Broden said that now he exclusively Skypes
with his students, but he knows several other tutors
who make home visits. The virtues of Skype are mani-
fold, Rabbi Broden said. Not only are they convenient
so schedules can be arranged for busy parents and chil-
dren, but also the lessons can accommodate a student
who is involved in sports or the performing arts. There
are fewer lessons and the time period is shorter, typi-
cally a half hour rather than an hour. And Skype video
lessons tend to cost less then in-person meetings do.
Rabbi Chayim B. Alevsky, who co-directs Chabad
Family Programs of the Upper West Side with his wife,
Sara, remembers well the days of tape-recorded les-
sons. Rabbi Alevsky began giving bar mitzvah lessons
Tara Maier at her bat mitzvah. She completed her
bat mitzvah lessons via Skype.
when he was 18 years old, just five years after his own
bar mitzvah, and has lived through the techological rev-
olution. He used the tape recorder. He used the CDs. He
used them all.
Most recently, and most excitedly, Rabbi Alevsky, a tal-
ented musician and teacher, working with Chabad.org,
created a free online tool, which he describes as “a dream
come true.” Torah Trainer launched in 2014 and took
about a year and a half (“plugging away for thousands of
hours”) to create. What is so great is that Torah Trainer
(chabad.org/torahtrainer) is so clear and user-friendly
The online app has every recorded portion of the
Torah and its accompanying haftorahs with options to
learn them in three different pronunciations: Ashke-
nazi, Sephardic, and chasidic. There are options that
allow the student to learn first with vowels and the can-
tillation symbols, and then without them. The Torah
Trainer gives students a visual, an audio, and a very
interactive experience as they learn.
“Kids love technology,” said Rabbi Alevsky, who has
used Torah Trainer on students as far near as Riverdale
and as far as Anchorage, Alaska. “Parents love technol-
ogy. Everyone is happy when technology is used for
something good.”
The net combined effect of the visual and the audio
“blows the competition out of the park,” he continued.
“You see the word light up and hear it at the same time
and it etches itself onto the brain faster and deeper than
if you only saw it or heard it.”
Another advantage, he said, is that instruction time
is cut down “to a fraction, and when guided, a student
can do most of it on his own.”
But a teacher is still necessary, he said. “It doesn’t
eliminate the instructor, but it cuts down on instruction
time and cost.”
Rabbi Alevsky has used Torah Trainer in-person
sessions with students and online through the use
of Team Viewer, which allows him to communicate
with students online. He hopes that a student track-
ing application can be developed that would allow
for greater efficacy in teaching students, whereby stu-
dents’ progress can be measured and ancillary sup-
port be built into the program.
In the meantime, Rabbi Alevsky said, it makes teach-
ing and learning meaningful, efficient and fun.
“I love teaching and I’m evolving with the tech-
nology,” Rabbi Alevsky said. “I’m an old teacher,” he
quipped, “using the latest, greatest technology. Kids
gravitate to it and I love seeing the results.”

Mitzvah with meaning

children in our community, in lieu of
payment. We hope these centerpieces
will continue to be passed along from
family to family.”
Jewish agencies team up for event Whether a child feels passionate
about a topic such as the environment,
After the workshop, participants
will receive free access to the Mitz-
vah Market Showcase, where more
than 50 celebration vendors, as well
as mitzvah project organizations, will
display their service offerings.

Y
ou can never be too young
to make a difference in your
community.
Bar and bat mitzvah-age kids
are on the precipice of their Jewish
adult life and have a unique oppor-
tunity to use their celebration as an
opportunity to help others.
Many of them complete mitzvah
projects through their synagogues. A
free workshop, “Making Bar/Bat Mitz-
vahs More Meaningful,” scheduled for
Sunday, Jan. 27, will guide participants
through community service project
ideas and highlight additional oppor-
tunities for giving back as part of the
celebration party. Participants will
explore project ideas, suggestions,
and examples of ways to give back
through invitations, party favors, and
even table centerpieces.
Joshua Fishkin, a member of
Barnert Temple in Franklin Lakes
who recently became a bar mitzvah,
said, “My theme was books because
I love to read. My family hand-made
centerpieces using antique books we
found at an estate sale, and when we
were done with them, we gave them to
another family to use and asked them
to donate to Oasis, a charity that works
to meet the needs of women and
homelessness, or providing school
supplies to children who need them,
there are options for everyone. It is
possible to find simple strategies to
incorporate community service ideas
into their celebrations, and to do it
without adding stress to the planning
process.
“It is important to find something
that you are passionate about. Con-
necting the project to you is a key part
of a bat or bar mitzvah. It represents
something that you care about and
that you want to fix in the world,”
said Emma Goshin, who became a bat
mitzvah at the Glen Rock Jewish Cen-
ter in 2015.
The Jewish Federation of Northern
New Jersey and the JCC of Northern
New Jersey have partnered with Mitz-
vah Market, the largest resource for
bar and bat mitzvah-planning families,
to create this workshop immediately
before the Celebrate! Party Showcase
begins.
The workshop will take place from
11 to 11:45 a.m. at the Park Ridge Mar-
riott, 300 Brae Boulevard, Park Ridge.
The Mitzvah Market Celebrate show-
case follows from noon to 4 p.m.
Attendance to the workshop is free
but participants are asked to pre-reg-
ister online at www.jfnnj.org/mitzvah-
program or by calling 201-470-6268.
S-6 Jewish Standard WINTER 2019 BAR/BAT MITZVAH

Special bar mitzvah

The real ups and downs of the event
Rabbi Nechemia unprecedented (in our neighborhood at least) to have went silent. Yehuda quickly went up to the bima, hold-
Coopersmith a boy with Down syndrome lein, and we had no idea if ing the silver yad — the Torah pointer — that would help
he’d change his mind and refuse to do it. We could only ensure he read every word, instead of reciting them

I
f one day could encapsulate the highs and lows of
raising a child with Down’s syndrome, the day our
son, Yehuda, was called to the Torah as a bar mitz-
vah would be that day.
My wife and I thought it would be a good challenge
for Yehuda not only to have an aliyah and recite the
blessings over the Torah, but actually to read from the
Torah, like most of the “regular” boys do to celebrate
their bar mitzvah.
We decided he should do it during chol hamoed
Pesach in the 7 a.m. minyan, when there would be
fewer people at shul and less pressure if he were to
back out at the last minute.
He had started preparing the leining, reading from
the Torah, about six months before, and surprised us
with how quickly and easily he mastered it. He was
a natural! The task played to his strengths; Yehuda
is very musical and reads Hebrew well. But it was
do our part. The rest was out of our control.
The big day arrived. The first minor miracle was
that Yehuda got out of bed at 6:15 a.m. (The second
minor miracle was that his older brothers did, too.)
He put on his new suit and smashing black hat (no
tie due to sensory issues) and with confidence and
excitement he marched to shul and davened like
everyone else. The only minor setback was an oncom-
ing cold and cough.
The shul was packed. We were surprised to see how
many close friends and family made the effort to come
so early in the morning. Right before his aliyah, I put
my tallis on Yehuda and reminded him, “You’ve got
this. Remember: slow, loud, and clear.” His name was
about to be called and this was it, his moment of deci-
sion: Do I tackle my fear and go up there or simply walk
out of shul and head home for some potato chips?
His name was called ceremoniously and everyone
from memory (which would not be sufficient accord-
ing to Jewish law).
He aced it! Once he cleared his throat and took a
second to find his groove, he did a perfect job, read-
ing clearly, with aplomb and confidence. The feeling
of nachas my wife and I experienced is hard to put into
words. My kids said they had never seen me smile like
that. But more importantly, Yehuda was beaming, feel-
ing so proud of his accomplishment.
And the accomplishment was deservedly his. We
didn’t coddle him. We didn’t manufacture an ersatz
experience to make Yehuda feel good. He took on the
challenge, put in the necessary work and showed him-
self capable of accomplishing something to that which
he set his mind.
After an early breakfast at our home with close
friends and family, where Yehuda sat at the head of
the table exuding such pride (and relief ), we had a

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blast going bowling in the morning, beating the Pass-
over rush.
The story could end here, and we’d all feel good read-
ing about how one special boy with Down syndrome
overcame his limitations, yada yada yada…
But the truth isn’t as rosy.
We looked forward to capping off such a triumphant
day having dinner with my in-laws at the Jerusalem
hotel where they were staying for Passover. This is an
annual all-you-can-eat bash for our family of hearty
eaters. I naively thought that after Yehuda’s spectacu-
lar and mature performance, he would behave him-
self at the hotel, even though he saw it as a massive
playground, complete with elevator rides and a zillion
secret spots in which to hide.
Within the first moment of sitting down at the table,
Yehuda already was missing. My wife and I were more
annoyed than alarmed. This was rather typical behav-
ior, Yehuda knew exactly where to find us, and we fig-
ured he eventually would get tired of exploring and
come join us at the table. (After all, one of Yehuda’s
most favorite activities is eating.)
But the other guests at the table didn’t feel this way,
especially my father-in-law, who was getting increas-
ingly agitated and distressed with every passing min-
ute. So we went into crisis mode, launching a futile
effort, looking for Yehuda, who probably was joyriding
in one of the elevators. I spoke to hotel security, who
said they’d be on the lookout.
Yehuda and Rabbi Nechemia Coopersmith
By the time Yehuda nonchalantly walked down the
big spiral staircase in the hotel to join the family for din-
ner, my limited patience had been depleted and I was
seething (not the right reaction, I know). My wife and I
WINTER 2019 BAR/BAT MITZVAH
had decided that there had to be a clear consequence
for his actions. I quickly ran up the stairs before he
could come down and told him, “You blew it, big time.
We are going straight home, and you’ll grab something
to eat there.”
Yehuda then pulled his dreaded move, firmly plant-
ing himself on the floor and turning himself into an
unmovable mountain. I had no interest in engaging
in an all-out battle of wills in front of my in-laws, who
already were incredulous at Yehuda’s behavior and our
evident lack of parenting skills. I had to get him out of
there and into the car right away, before the meal was
over and the extended family and hotel guests would
start pouring out in to the hotel lobby.
Yehuda is a big boy. I can’t pick him up. Suffice it to
say getting him to the car was not a pretty sight. Yehuda
and I both made mistakes, and it certainly was not the
way I had envisioned ending such a milestone day.
It does, however, reflect a more realistic day in the
life of raising a child with special needs. Yehuda is
not an angel. He is boy full of conflicting wants and
desires. In raising him, we encounter times of great joy
and accomplishment, and times of total frustration,
bewildermen,t and anger.
Just like raising any child. Aish.com
Rabbi Nechemia Coopersmith lives in Jerusalem with his
wife and children. He is the chief editor of Aish.com, one of
the world’s largest Judaism websites.

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S-8 Jewish Standard
Life goes on
Bar mitzvah for Pittsburgh’s Tree of Life Synagogue
Ed Silberfarb
I
t was the first bar mitzvah in the Tree of Life com-
munity since the October 27 murder of 11 congre-
gants. My cousin’s grandson was to become a son
of the commandments. His father, the president of
the congregation, struggled with the unspeakable grief
of funerals, shiva, support to the families, and oh yes,
preparation for one of life’s joys. After all, the sages say a
simcha trumps any misfortune, tragic though it may be.
Long ago, the invitations had gone out for the cer-
emony at the Tree of Life, which was now unusable, a
crime scene under study by police and the F.B.I. and
scarred by the fusillade of bullets from both police and
the killer. Yet the ark and its Torahs were unharmed.
Offers to help came from everywhere. The bar mitz-
vah ceremony and the kiddush to follow would be in
Pittsburgh’s beautiful Rodolph Sholom, one of only five
synagogues in the country on the National Register of
Historic Places.
My cousin met us at the airport, and gave us a brief
tour of that remarkable city once held in disdain as a
grim place of soot, grime and smog, now clean with
WINTER 2019 BAR/BAT MITZVAH
towering smoke stacks that stand idle as a landmark
along the riverbank. It has become a city not only of
clean air and Super Bowl and Stanley Cup champions,
but also a cultural center with one of the country’s
great orchestras. Earlier in the week, the Pittsburgh
Symphony, with full chorus and violinist Itzhak Perl-
man, performed a memorial concert for the victims of
the Tree of Life massacre.
On Friday night and Saturday morning the domed
PaulRichardWossidlo.com
beaux-arts synagogue opened its doors to friends and
family of Max, the bar mitzvah. They had come from
as far as Florida, California, Virginia, New York, and
Ohio. Ages ranged from 3 to 88. Max, in a bright blue
yarmulke, blue and white tie, and dark suit was at the
bimah, unfazed by the occasion and the gruesome
events of the recent past.
The family was generous in sharing the honors.
I was startled to be called suddenly to open the ark. Bar mitzvah Max, with his father, Sam Schachner,
Later one cousin raised the Torah. Another dressed it. president of Pittsburgh’s Tree of Life Synagogue.
Another carried it among the congregants. The aliyot
were lovingly apportioned, with Max chanting maftir, whose identity soon became apparent. He was Rob-
then ducking beneath a barrage of jellied candies. ert Kraft, the Jewish owner of the New England Patri-
Someone who rose for an aliyah was a mystery man ots, in town for the next day’s football game with the
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S-9 Jewish Standard WINTER 2019 BAR/BAT MITZVAH

Pittsburgh Steelers. He had asked the rabbi
if he could attend the bar mitzvah ceremony.
He spoke after his Torah portion was read.
“Tomorrow’s game is important for me,
but even more important for me is to be
here with you at this time,” said Mr. Kraft.
Later, he gave Max and his family tickets
for Sunday’s game.
The celebration didn’t end at the syna-
gogue. On Saturday night, the guests were all
invited to a dinner cruise aboard the Gateway
Clipper, which toured Pittsburgh’s three-river
confluence. Music prevailed and the ship’s
hold was cleared for games and dancing.
Through the darkness of the Tree of Light
massacre was the light of the bar mitzvah, a
theme of welcoming Max echoed in his d’var
Torah. He told how Joseph revealed his true
identity to his brothers and with Pharaoh’s
support tells them to bring their father to
Egypt where all will live and enjoy the land.
“Welcoming others is something Jews
have been doing for a very long time,” Max
said, citing Abraham and Sarah bringing
three strangers into their tent and giving
them food and water. The strangers, of
course, were the Lord’s messengers.
Referring to the October 27 shooting,
he said, “From that very night other syna-
gogues were open to us. Many charities
sprang into action. So many people have
been welcoming.
“The best part is that people from all over
the world and from different religions have
joined our services and have invited us to
join them. I’ve learned that being kind and
welcoming is an important Jewish value, and
can get us through the toughest times.”
Rain continued through the weekend,
but didn’t dampen the mood. On Sunday
morning Max’s grandparents hosted a
sumptuous brunch where I was anxious to
test the Pittsburgh bagel against the classic
New York product. I gave it reasonably high
marks for effort.
By the end of the day, Max was rewarded
with an unexpected bar mitzvah present.
The Pittsburgh Steelers won an upset victory
over Robert Kraft’s New England Patriots.
Ed Silberfarb was a reporter for the Bergen
Record in New Jersey, then the New York Herald
Tribune where he was City Hall bureau chief.
Later, he was a public information officer for the
New York City Transit Authority and editor of
one of its employee publications.
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S-10 Jewish Standard WINTER 2019 BAR/BAT MITZVAH

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F
or Cantor Marcel Cohen, giv-
ing special needs youngsters
bar or bat mitzvah lessons is
much more than a vocation.
It is a calling.
The Teaneck transplant — he’s
originally from Toronto — is the
executive director of Adult Day
Services of New Jersey Yachad.
He has been able to combine his
talent as a musician, vocalist, dra-
matist; his skills as a cantor, arts
administrator, and special educa-
tion teacher; his passion for Juda-
ism; his warm and patient person-
ality (he’s from Canada, after all,
Cantor Marcel Cohen
eh!); and most especially, his love
of his late brother, Aaron, who had Down syndrome,
to lift up bar or bat mitzvah students to places that nei- certification through York University and the Mercaz
ther the students nor their parents thought they ever
could be.
His motto, he said, is “Every child can have a bar or
bat mitzvah.”
“Everyone should have a chance,” said Cantor
Cohen, who has taught students of all and no Jewish
affiliation, and with a range of different learning dis-
abilities – from students on the spectrum, to those with
dyslexia, Down syndrome, ADHD, and other limited
abilities.
“I can teach anyone,” he said. “I can teach students
who other people are unable to reach. I have this gift,
that is based on the love that I have for my brother.”
Aaron Cohen died in 2010. He never really learned
how to read.
“In those days they didn’t really know about special
education,” Cantor Cohen said. “The children would
play games or take walks, but they were not taught.”
When Aaron was 32 years old, Cantor Cohen asked
him if he wanted to learn how to read. His brother
had given up on the idea, but Cantor Cohen encour-
aged him to use his love of movies and 1950s televi-
sion shows like Superman and comic books to start to
learn words.
Little by little, and encouraged
by his kind and patient brother,
Aaron achieved a written vocabu-
lary of more than 10,000 words
and gained the confidence to write
screenplays that he submitted to
Steven Spielberg, ABC television,
and Marvel Comics. The net effect
of love, encouragement, and infi-
nite patience paid off for Aaron.
In his last days in the hospital he
was unable to talk to his family
because of a tube in his throat, but
was he was able to write and tell
them how much he loved them.
Cantor Cohen holds a bache-
lor’s degree in arts administration
from the University of Toronto and a special education
L’Morim. He was the program director of Toronto’s
Kadima Centre, which offers Jewish education pro-
grams for special needs adults, teaching them Torah,
spirituality, and about the Jewish holidays. The son
of actress Juliette Jacobs, Cantor Cohen also studied
drama, is an accomplished vocalist, and was a cantor
at Toronto’s Lodzer Synagogue. He also taught special
education in Jewish day schools in Ontario.
Cantor Cohen said that he has combined his natural
proclivities and his formal training to create a system of
breaking down the material so prospective bar and bat
mitzvah students can learn. He leavens his system with
much praise, encouragement, and patience.
“I’m very patient,” Cantor Cohen said. “I can go over
something 400 times. My student will lose patience
before I do. I set the student up for success and once
they get a taste of that, they want more.”
In fact, parents and students tell him that years after
bar or bat mitzvah, students are accomplishing things,
such university or a job, they never dreamed possible.
“The bar or bat mitzvah is a watershed moment and
it sets them on the right path in their lives,” Cantor
Cohen said. “It is crucial, as they are becoming adults.
I try to help them on the path of what is to come.”

Events & Celebrations

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 some have well guarded
trade secrets

we just call them

family traditions

HERZOG LINEAGE
nine generations of patient winemaking
S-12 Jewish Standard
Take it from a teen
Tips for an awesome bar or bat mitzvah
Hannah Elbaum engaging kids and teens in meaningful Jewish practice.
Here are five tips to helping you and your child create
I
n my synagogue, each young woman and man has a bar or bat mitzvah experience filled with meaning
an opportunity to write their own prayer as part and connection.
of their b’nei mitzvah service. Most of my friends
spoke about health and happiness, and their pas- Find a Mitzvah Project with Passion
sions for soccer, drawing, or seeing their friends. After At my synagogue, the b’nei mitzvah students sign up
thanking God for my family, I talked about becoming a for a project that is organized by the adult leader-
madricha, a teaching assistant in the Hebrew school, ship. Once a month, groups would go ice skating with
and a member of the youth group board. Special Olympics or read with kindergarteners in an
I understand that I’m a little strange in this sense. afterschool program. My group made large batches of
Usually, parents beg and nag their kids to attend a chicken soup and decorated cards for congregants who
Jewish learning class, not the other way around—espe- were experiencing joy or sorrow. It was mostly behind-
cially around the time of bar and bat mitzvahs. As a cur- the-scenes work, and while I knew it was helpful, I did
rent freshman in college who’s done just about every not feel that I was having an impact.
program my local Jewish community has to offer, I Friends of mine who chose their own mitzvah proj-
know a little bit about what works and what doesn’t in ects had much more rewarding experiences. By look-
ing in their local communities for volunteering oppor-
tunities, they were able to find an opportunity that
The Empty Vase not only benefited their community, but also allowed
them to pursue a passion they actually care about.
a floral company
Your child might need a little help in finding a great
We Can Make Any Party Beautiful opportunity, but they should have a strong voice in
what project to do.
Practicing Trope
For many American Jewish teenagers, learning
Hebrew is difficult enough, not to mention the addi-
tion of trope, the melody to which Torah is chanted.
Your child’s tutor will be the best resource for how
to learn and practice, but each student is different in
their learning style and their motivation to practice.
CLOSTER Sometimes they will simply need a practice chart with
219 Closter Dock Rd. stickers (potty training deja vu, anyone?). But before
201-750-7181 it becomes a point of contention, there are a few ways
your student might actually like learning trope.
I love color-coding and being organized. This may
seem unrelated to trope, but by highlighting each trope
Cantor family a different color, my brain more easily under-
Barbra stood the patterns. A student with a musical ear might
do better with a recording. (Your congregation or rabbi
Lieberstein
0002441714-01.qxd 10/15/08 5:09 PM Page 1
may be able to help you find one.) Their musical incli-
Certified Cantor with nation can help them to pick up the tunes. Other stu-
dents may enjoy learning the language, or have an eas-
12+ years of pulpitMAGAZINE
BAR & BAT MITZVAH AD
ier time if they also have an English translation to tell
0002441714-01
experience
Lessons in your home them the meaning of each word.
Learn to read Hebrew LIEBERSTEIN, BARBRA
Fri, Oct
It’s24,Not2008
Just a Fashion Accessory:
Group and1 Choosing the Tallit
cols, 2.13 x 2.50"
Learn to private lessons
Process Freea perfect outfit for the big day is important,
Finding
read Hebrew in your home too. It should fit right, feel comfortable, and make your
Lisa Spadevecchia
Parentchild
Paperfeel confident. And of course, they’ll also need a
tallit. For some, the prayer shawl they wear is one of
Officiant atCantor BarbraCeremonies,
Bar/Bat Mitzvah Carinegreat sentimental and familial value. If your child feels
201-818-4088 connected to an elder relative or parent and wishes
Baby Namings and Weddings
___ Art Direction
to wear the tallit that was theirs, that is a wonderful
Cell: 201-788-6653
Officiant for Baby Namings choice.
_X__ E-Proof
e-mail: cantorbarbra@aol.com
Certified Cantor with 12+ years If your child is like me, they will want something
www.cantorbarbra.com
of pulpit experience that is new, with some hint of personality. Tallits and
___ OK AS IS
___ OK W. CHANGE
WINTER 2019 BAR/BAT MITZVAH
tzitzit—the knotted fringes hanging from each corner—
are sold at many synagogue gift shops and Judaica bou-
tiques. Just make sure that throughout the process, you
hear your child’s voice. They may need a parent’s guid-
ance toward a pattern that will be appropriate through-
out their life (steer away from a skull and crossbones
design…), but the final decision must be theirs. Mine
was cream colored with small pink daisies on each end.
It’s simple, with a touch of femininity, and it distinctly
fits with my personal style.
When the Student becomes the
Teacher: Writing a D’var Torah
When it came time for me to write my d’var Torah, my
tutor explained to me that this would be the part of the
service where everyone will sit up a little straighter and
lean forward to hear what I had to say. This speech is
the b’nei mitzvah student’s chance to say what is mean-
ingful to them, to explain how they personally see a
connection between the words of Torah and the life
they are living, thousands of years later.
I know more than a few students who simply wrote
about what they had been told the important message
of their parsha was. The best bet for ensuring your
child is able to write a good d’var Torah is to make sure
they actually read their portion in English. Even if it is
just a single word, let your child find the passage that
stands out the most to them. Emor, my parsha, dis-
cusses the calendar, and I explained about the increas-
ing importance of setting aside time to celebrate with
family, especially as everyone gets older and schedules
get busier and busier.
Enough With the Swag, Already
The number of sweatshirts, t-shirts, and sweatpants I
collected from bat mitzvahs is slightly ridiculous. They
were each worn for exactly one day: the Monday after
the celebration. By Tuesday, everyone seemed to put
their eyes back in and realized that the ugly and cheap
made-in-China material was falling apart already.
Aside from the unattractiveness, there is a 100 per-
cent chance that another kid who wasn’t invited will
feel left out at school. There are so many other options
for giveaways, if that is a choice your family makes.
Picture frames for the photo booth memories, little
tchotchkes, or candy all are great options.
Because some of my family members and friends
had severe food allergies, I handed out little bags of
jelly beans we knew would be safe for almost every-
one, adorned with stickers my mom and I made on the
computer. Also, we gave everyone little cards with the
jellybean flavors because everyone knows it’s the worst
when you put one in your mouth expecting one taste
and get something completely different.
Hopefully these tips will help you and your child find
the perfect balance for their b’nei mitzvah. Even if your
child thinks that Hebrew school sucks (let’s be honest,
it often does!) there are still ways to make their bar or
bat mitzvah a meaningful Jewish experience, as long as
you’re willing to put them in the driver’s seat.
Reprinted with permission of Kveller.com, the parenting
website.
S-13 Jewish Standard
Twinning
with a survivor
My son’s emotional Holocaust-related
bar mitzvah project
Randi Marzalla
A
s part of my son’s preparation for
his upcoming bar mitzvah, he
needed to pick a mitzvah project.
After much thought, we decided
together that he would participate in
the Twin with a Survivor program. The
Holocaust Council of Greater MetroWest
runs the program, which matches ado-
lescents with survivors of the Holocaust.
Each young adult meets with an individ-
ual survivor who shares his or her per-
sonal account of what happened during
the Holocaust.
My husband and I joined our son for
his four meetings with the survivor, a
94-year-old woman. My son only knew
a little bit about the Holocaust before
he met her. It had been discussed in his
social class and at Hebrew school. She
suggested that he watch “Schindler’s
List” to get a better understanding of
the Holocaust. The three of us watched
it together. I am embarrassed to say
that neither my husband nor I had
watched it before. Combined with
hearing directly from a survivor about
her experience, the movie was even
more powerful.
The survivor told us about her early
life and then about being forced to move
to the Jewish ghetto. From there she was
moved to not one but five different con-
centration camps. She lost her mother,
father, and beloved brother during the
Holocaust. She gave up hope, and she
lost her will to live. In fact, she told us
she was on line to be killed and was
ready to die when the U.S. army liber-
ated the camp she was in.
Her story of perseverance and deter-
mination continued as she was nursed
back to health and then had to go on
with her life having lost her whole fam-
ily. She went to school, became a nurse,
immigrated to the United States, and
married another Holocaust survivor.
Many of the stories she chose to share
were difficult to hear. But she felt it was
very important that our son hear exactly
what happened. It was very upsetting
for us as adults, and I worried about
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By meeting with the survivor along
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ect, but the three of us all were a part of
it. My husband, who grew up Catholic
and converted to Judaism several years
ago, was extremely moved by the expe-
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had met. She read the report and was
impressed with how well he was able to
tell the story. He will also talk about her
Large Selection of Custom Invitations
during his bar mitzvah speech, and we for Bar/Bat Mitzvahs (Hebrew lettering available)
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It was definitely a tough and emo- your custom invitation or custom wording
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Reprinted with permission of Kveller.com,
the parenting website.
www.thejewishstandard.com
S-14 Jewish Standard WINTER 2019 BAR/BAT MITZVAH

Hats off!
Bat mitzvah project gives warmth to area children
Heidi Mae Bratt Lori Hyde-Galati.

W
hen it comes to knitting, 12-year-old Millie
Schwartz has become quite the pro.
The Teaneck tween created 25 beautifully
hand-knitted woolen hats that were donated
to Bergen County Children’s Services. It was just in
time for the wintry weather, and also just in time to
mark a special chesed project for Millie’s bat mitzvah,
which was took place on the fifth day of Chanukah.
“We’re all super proud of her,” said her mother,
Rachel Barber Schwartz. “It was important to have her
do something that would require her to invest her time
and energy, and also be something that would be part
of the community.
“She stuck with it and put in a lot of hours.”
(Millie’s father is Daniel, and she has a brother,
Emanuel, who is 9.)
Millie, a self-taught knitter (thank you YouTube
and a few books) shored up her skills at a local yarn
shop, Teaneck-based Yarndevous, which is owned by
“One of our favorite students,” boasted a Yarndevous
Facebook post with a photograph of a smiling and hat-
clad Millie surrounded by her handiwork, “knit up ALL
these great hats, which are headed to Bergen County
Children’s Services. A big thank you to Millie, who is
making this donation as part of her Bat Mitzvah cel-
ebrations. Congratulations!”
“I really enjoy knitting,” said Millie, a sixth grader
at Ben Yosef Porat in Paramus. “It was easier doing
something I liked. Sometimes, I would get tired.” (She
started the project a year ago.) “But in the end, I was
very happy that we had so many hats.”
In fact, Millie is such a knitting aficionado that she
inspired her mother to take up knitting as well, and Ms.
Barber Schwartz wound up pitching in to help make
the hat goal a reality.
When she’s not knitting or working hard in school,
Millie said, she enjoys drawing and fencing. Millie Schwartz and her colorful and warm hats.
And now, because of her talent and her gift, the win- She is pictured in Yarndevous, a knitting store in
ter will be much warmer for many. Teaneck.

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