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Health has played the most important role in humans’ daily life. As health and medical technology has Commented [L1]: Health is a role?
been advanced, so does its problems. Nowadays, the high numbers of obesity cases in every part of I think it’s more to a state/condition or need.
the world shows its effect inaffects modern life, thus need immediate actions to solve it are urgently
needed. This essay will discuss about several aspects contributing to obesity and some viable solutions Commented [L2]: Better to focus on one point but well
to overcome it. elaborated.
Commented [L3]: Better to focus on one point but well
The contribution of excessive energy intake (point 1) and lack of physical activity (point 2) in growing elaborated.
obesity rate is are an ongoing issue. Majority Most of people have a tendency to consume food which
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containcontaining a great amount of fat, sugar and natrium without cautiously checking its component
ingredients first. [Add, for example] .They tend to prioritize taste and price when deciding what to Formatted: Highlight

consume. Since it is cheaper to get, simpler to bring and more delicious to eat, people constantly use Formatted: Font: Bold, Underline
it as their main meal [change/delete this part, less coherent]. This leads to an uncontrolled Formatted: Highlight
consumption which is a silent killer for the body. [example] for instance, when parents buy cereals for Formatted: Highlight
their children, they tend to buy products which their kids consider sweet instead of those more
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nutrious, but less delicious. [restatement of main idea] This tendency leads to over-consumption of
sugar which triggers obesity in the long run. Formatted: Highlight
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[Delete the following part]
Commented [L4]: This sentence is not really coherent
In addition, reduced quantity of physical activity in regular life has vital role in escalating the rate of with the previous one (talking about tendency to consume
food without checking its ingredients)
obesity. It has been knowing known that the more energy you take in, the more energy you bring out.
Energy output are formed as heat and this can only be produced by constant exercise along with active Formatted: Highlight

body mobilization. However, due to the hectic life the community has less time and patience to do Formatted: Highlight
this. In fact, they have more time sitting in front of computer result on the imbalance of energy Commented [L5]: Seems to be too idiomatic. Better
exchange. choose commonly used word to refer to this, such as
“triggers long-term harms’
In dealing with this situation, there are some possible ways out which can be applied. [First,The most Formatted: Highlight
effective solution would be] standardization of food ingredient containing should be arranged
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conducted by government. Each fFoods and drinks beverages factory producers should be are
obligatedobliged to have minimum level of fat, sugar and natrium. [Add, for example] When all foods Formatted: Highlight

and beverages available in the market have similar sweetness standard, all consumers, by the time, Formatted: Highlight
would have the new habit of sugar consumption. Hypothethically, people might not like the new taste Formatted: Underline
of cola in the supermarket because it is not as sweet as before. However, since they do not have any Commented [L6]: I don’t recommend adding this point
choices, they will keep consuming the beverage until they think that the sweetness level is acceptable. since you have exceeded the required number of words. I
This sweetness standard modification will gradually address the issue of obesity. think 371 words are too many.
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[Delete the following part]
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Second, it is important to gradually change people’s habit. In order to balance energy output, Commented [L7]: Better to choose one solution but
collaboration between government and the inhabitant is needed. For instance, promoting healthy elaborated.
lifestyle and campaigning against body weighing. Formatted: Highlight

To sum up, obesity is a medical problem faced by world . It caused by factorscaused , such asmainly Formatted: Underline
by excessive nutrient intake and insufficiency of exercise. Regardless the complexity of the problem,
it was able to be halted by some regulation made by government in assistance with the communityTo
address this issue, the government can take a measure such as regulating certain standard for food
and beverage production. If these solutions can be fulfilled, then it’s positive that obesity can be
reduced.
General comments and score prediction:

Your English is sufficiently fluent. Yet, you need to improve your organization and coherence. There
are too many points provided that you wrote 371 words. I think that number is too many as it may
indicate that you can write efficiently and effectively. I personally think that 300 words should be the
maximum number in IELTS writing task 2. Additionally, you need to check if one sentence is related to
another. When you talked about, for instance, “ignorance on ingredients” and “preference based on
the price”, the connection is missing.

Please also check grammar and lexical choices. I have made some changes which can be seen by
turning on Track Changes.

Score prediction:

Task achievement : 5.5-6

Organization : 5.5

Grammar :6

Lexical choice :6

Overall score :6