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SonomaLife SUNDAY, MARCH 11, 2018 • THE PRESS DEMOCRAT • SECTION D

HAMILTON FAMILY PHOTO 2017

Family and friends of Chris Hamilton gather around his coffin in his parents’ Santa Rosa garage to pay their respects. After Hamilton, 35, died in October in a car accident, his parents decid-
ed to have an old-fashioned wake at home. The arrangement of kitchen utensils was made by Chris’ aunt, Andrea Gray, to honor his work as a chef.

After the death of their son, Santa Rosa family chooses to mourn their loss, their own way

SACRED RITUALS
By MEG MCCONAHEY
THE PRESS DEMOCRAT
They talked, shared stories, brought mementos
and totems and shed tears. Carl Hamilton and

W
hen Carl Hamilton got the news that
every parent dreads, his fatherly instinct
kicked in. His son Chris was lying alone
at the Sonoma County Coroner’s Office, the vic-
tim of a middle-of-the-night car crash. Against all
modern convention, Hamilton decided he would
not send his firstborn to a mortuary. Instead, he
claimed the young man’s body and drove him
home.
For three days and two nights Chris Hamilton
lay in a simple hand-assembled wooden box in
his parents’ Santa Rosa living room. Friends and
family gathered beside him, experiencing their
grief within the same modest tract house where
Chris, a Giants and Green Bay Packers fan and
Le Cordon Bleau-trained cook, had grown up.
other family members slept in the living room
to be near their Chris, named for the storybook
character Christopher Robin. In his 35 years, he
had grown into a burly man of 6-foot 2 with a big
smile, a wicked sense of humor and a compas-
sionate heart.
The Hamiltons opted for an old-fashioned wake
or home viewing, where a family spends intimate
mourning time with their loved one. These kinds
of funerals were once a common practice in
American homes, often with women in the com-
munity assisting in “laying out the dead.” But
with the increasing popularity of embalming and
the professionalization of the funeral industry,
family death rituals began to change.
A message from Chris Hamilton’s mom on his coffin, which
was built by his family in his parents’ garage. TURN TO RITUALS » PAGE D14

MALE PEDICURE

Yes, real men can get sparkly toes, too

By BOB PADECKY front of their shoes. Made sense but I was unfamiliar with
FOR THE PRESS DEMOCRAT such action, as the only toe jamming I ever did in my life

G
o ahead, my friend Lori said. Get a pedicure. You’ll
like it. When pigs fly and deal blackjack, I thought.
Real men don’t get pedicures. Then I saw what
happened to LeBron James, the NBA superstar. LeBron’s
certainly a real man, with a 6-foot-8 body sculptured from
granite, including his granite toes.
In 2014 LeBron went on Instagram and announced he
regularly gets pedicures. A little more internet surfing
found other NBA superstars like Michael Jordan, Shaquille
O’Neal and Kobe Bryant also get pedicures, which at one
time I thought was toe surgery.
The players said they did it because all that stopping and
starting on a basketball court jammed their toes against the
was falling off a high stool.
Still, these were athletes and, after covering sports for
some 54 years, I had developed a stereotype based on a lot of
macho posturing — guys shake off concussions and broken
bones as if they were a mere inconvenience. Heck, the
49ers’ Ronnie Lott had the tip of his broken pinkie finger
amputated so he could continue playing and not miss games
due to recovery.
But I’m a firm believer in empirical evidence.
“I probably get two men a day,” said Johnny Huynh, own-
er of Stellar Nail Spa in Rohnert Park. That’s 14 a week, 56 a
month, 672 men in a year.
TURN TO TOES » PAGE D12

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D14 THE PRESS DEMOCRAT • SUNDAY, MARCH 11, 2018

RITUALS
CONTINUED FROM D1
At a time when most people
“make arrangements” with a
mortuary to deal with remains,
the Hamiltons dialed back to
the old ways in caring for Chris
themselves. They oversaw every
step, from making his box in the
family garage and adorning it
with art and messages, to trans-
porting him to the crematorium
where they sang songs and held
their own service before bidding
him good-bye and pushing his
box into the flames. Virtually the
entire family — three genera-
tions — participated.
“I wanted to slow things down.
I hate funerals, the ones I’ve
been to. I wanted my son home,”
said Hamilton, a longtime direc-
tor in community theater and
currently a drama teacher at
Cardinal Newman High School.
Soothe broken heart
BETH SCHLANKER/THE PRESS DEMOCRAT
It was, he reflected, like another
production but one that, in its way, Chris Hamilton’s family made a photo book to document the 10 days they spent putting together a home funeral.
helped soothe his broken heart.
Just as women began re-
claiming childbirth from strictly
clinical hospital settings to home
births, natural childbirth and
birthing centers, an increas-
ing number of people like the
Hamiltons are reclaiming death
rituals in ways that are more
personal. It’s spawning a niche
of services and products for
home funerals and green buri-
als, from shrouds to body oils to
biodegradable boxes and urns.
Increasing numbers of people
are craving more control of the
mourning experience, and see
it a more normal way of dealing
with the remains of a loved one,
HAMILTON FAMILY
and a healthier way of experi-
encing their grief. In the Hamilton garage, Darius Hamilton-Smith takes the lead as his
“I think we’re still just at the family assembled the pine coffin that would hold his brother’s remains.
tip of the wave,” said Jerrigrace
Lyons, who in the 1990s founded
a group called now called Final
Passages, to educate people
about how to do their own home
funeral and to provide support.
The Sebastopol advocate is now
a part of a larger organization,
the National Home Funeral
Alliance, which has grown to
include members throughout
the U.S., Canada, New Zealand
and Great Britain.
“Death is a very emotional
experience, a very powerful
rite of passage and people want
support at that time, and they CARL HAMILTON CARL HAMILTON
should have it,” said Lyons, Susan Lindstrom writes a final message to Chris, her nephew, on his From left, Dylan Hamilton, Jamie Smith and Darius Hamilton-Smith pre-
who sees her role as akin to the pine coffin, which was set up in the Hamilton’s living room. pare to load Chris’s coffin into a van that will take it to be cremated.
doulas who provide lay support
during childbirth. pulled into the garage shouting natural caskets are available in “It felt really good,” said Jamie, and I handed each piece to Fran-
Most people who opt for a “What’s wrong?!” materials like willow, seagrass “just holding his hand.” Grace ces, (Chris’s biological mother,)
home funeral have had time to The couple wanted to see their and bamboo. showed them how to pack the who put each piece in the box. It
think about and take conscious son immediately, but were told She paid almost $800 for the unembalmed remains in dry ice. was beautiful.”
steps as they or a loved one is dy- he was not viewable. Hamilton box and almost as much to have The room was adorned with pho- They sang songs — “The
ing. But for the Hamiltons, there spent hours contemplating the 100-pound package rush tos and mementos, from t-shirts House at Pooh Corner” by
was no time to weigh the pros what to do. He had read stories shipped. It arrived in a kit on to Chris’s favorite Gummy candy Kenny Loggins and “Learning to
and cons, come up with a plan or about people who had home Monday. Family and friends to a logo plate from the old BMW Fly” by Tom Petty.
poll everyone in the family. funerals. By early afternoon he were invited to come over and his grandfather had given him “We all said something,” Carl
announced he wanted to bring help with the assembly and dec- and that he adored. said. “We put the lid back on the
A Missed Plane Chris home. oration. Chris’s younger brother box and we all pushed him in.”
Fate in the form of a missed Jamie said her sister tried Darius Hamilton-Smith, 27, a Many farewells
plane flight put Chris Hamilton hard to persuade her “that it lighting and set designer in Los Some 50 friends and family Chose an urn
on the road that led to his death. would be a mistake we would Angeles, headed up the effort. members came by over a three- While they waited for his cre-
The week he died he was sup- regret, but Carl was steadfast.” It was a sunny day and a day period to draw or write on mains they played catch outside
posed to be in Italy on vacation Jamie had her own reserva- buddleia in the yard was filled the box or leave a gift. Someone with an antique glove that Carl
with his mother, Frances Hamil- tions. Would people think they with butterflies, something that brought a hummingbird, a Native had given his son one Christmas.
ton, and his sister, Isla. But at the were weird? almost never happens. The fam- American symbol of peace, love Then they drove to Funeria,
airport he walked away from the Son Dylan Hamilton, 22, a ily reached for humor in their and happiness. His sister, Isla an art gallery in Graton that
gate and didn’t make it back in filmmaker in Santa Fe, assured sadness. Hamilton, wrote him a letter, features unusual and handmade
time to get on the plane. That was her that the Hamiltons, a theatri- The sealed it and urns. They picked a piece by
Monday. He was hoping to catch cal family, are a little weird. Hamiltons placed it Seattle sculptor Tony Hopping,
another flight as early as Wednes- “This is who we are,” he said. shared a in the box. a primitive human-like form
day. But in the wee hours of the “We do things a little differently. love for Jamie’s made from wood salvaged from
morning that day, October 25, he We’re a little off kilter and it’s im- the quirky sister sewed the Russian River. It spins on a
was driving north on Highway portant we keep doing things that movie a pocket from potter’s wheel.
101 near the Highway 12 exit in way. This was the perfect thing.” “Little Miss lavish fabric “The moment I saw it, the joy
his VW Golf when he slammed To his grandmother Pat Sunshine,” and tucked a and energy of Chris jumped at
at 50 miles per hour into a tractor Hamilton, 87, a home viewing in which letter inside. me. Each morning I will spin his
trailer that had been abandoned was perfectly normal. She a dysfunc- Another ashes to get the day started with
in the roadway. There were no remembers when she was 16 and tional fam- sister made a smile,” Carl wrote on his Face-
skid marks, so investigators be- her grandma was laid out in the ily steals a “flower book page, where he contines to
lieve he must not have even seen living room. the body of arrange- pour his feelings, his grief and
it ahead. He died instantly; his “We were close to her. We their dead ment” out his memories of his son, with
small dog Davy survived. could see her. She wasn’t alive grandfa- of wooden art, photos and poetry.
“They found his phone in his anymore but she was grandma.” ther from cooking uten- At the crematory they stood
back pocket so they didn’t find Jamie immediately got online a hospital sils in salute vigil as a kind man with flames
any distracted driving. No drugs and found Grace, a pioneer in the and drives HAMILTON FAMILY
to his work tattooed on his arms, carefully re-
or alcohol was suspected,” the revival of home funerals, who off with him as a cook. moved the ashes, sifted them and
father said. helped them through the process. in their VW A family photo of Chris Hamilton from Carl added a handed them back to the family.
Hamilton, 62, had actually van so they the celebration of his life. knife that a They held a joyous celebration of
driven past the accident on his Help with paperwork won’t miss Navy SEAL Chris’s life at the Bennett Valley
way to work, not knowing it Home funerals are legal in all a beauty pageant. Jamie mod- friend had presented to him Grange a week later.
was his son. But he felt uneasy 50 states. Grace navigated them podged a picture of the scene years before in recognition of his As hard as it was, the Ham-
since Chris, who had been living through getting a death certif- onto the coffin and wrote, “We courage, and that he had given iltons nearly five months later
with him and his wife Jamie icate, the application process didn’t leave you behind.” Chris when he left home to move remain united in their belief that
Smith for the last couple of and permit for the disposition of Darius bought a “blank” from to Colorado. mourning at home with Chris
years, hadn’t come home that human remains that is required a local shop that makes custom For those days, time was sus- was the best choice for them.
night or responded to a text. He to transport a body. baseball bats and turned it pended and their home became “Going through all those steps
even drove to his ex-wife’s home The coroner took a week to himself, giving the bat a trial run a safe and intimate container for ourselves was therapeutic, and
hoping Chris would be there. No release the body pending an with a few hits before placing it their grief. very helpful in the grieving
one answered the door. autopsy. In that time the Hamil- with his baseball-loving brother ”We agreed we would just let process,” Chris’s brother Darius
Jamie, who had helped raise ton’s put together their plan. in the box. each other do what we needed to said. “It wasn’t like Chris was
Chris since he was four years The decided they wanted an The elder Hamilton said he felt do and we ended up crying and out of sight and out of mind.
old, was notified after daybreak old-fashioned wooden box that it was an important part of the bawling and hugging each other,” And instead of just sitting
by coroner’s officers who came they could decorate themselves, ritual that he pick up his son him- Jamie said. “Sometimes we just around and doing nothing, there
to the door and left her with a and then use to cremate Chris. self, and he still feels the weight found ourselves standing and was always something to do.”
list of mortuaries and directions “A coffin connotes to me, this of his 250-pound body as it was holding his hand for a half hour.” Carl said he took comfort
to pick one. They said they big, shiny massive thing with lifted into the box. The coroner The family stayed together in reclaiming the old ritual of
would deal with everything else. rails. It just seems so impersonal was adamant that the body was throughout each step in the spending time at home with a
Jamie was unable to reach her to me and not at all like who not in a condition for viewing. ritual. They took him together lost loved one, as well as invent-
husband by phone in the chaos Chris was or what we are as a But Carl wanted to touch his to the crematory at Santa Rosa ing new rituals that felt right for
amid the Tubbs fire that was still family, Jamie said. “We’re way son. Grace peeked in the bag and Memorial Park and held their his family.
smoldering. He had just been more down-to-earth than that. I found a hand that was unharmed own little service. “There were lessons learned
relocated to a temporary campus couldn’t imagine putting my kid and that became something for “This wonderful friend of by going through those rituals,”
site after parts of the Newman in some weird steel container people to touch during the wake. ours brought this beautiful glass he said. “In taking time and
campus burned. Deputies left and giving him to somebody.” Grace offered up her Toyota mason jar. In it was dirt, leaves, talking with people and really
a message with the school to She found a company online van to drive Chris home for the rocks and all kinds of things. listening, you get to the bare
notify Hamilton that he needed that sold simple Wisconsin last time. He was laid out on the Then she wrote out this piece of guts.”
to go home for an unspecified pine boxes with rope handles, kitchen table, his blue body bag what everything meant,” Jamie
emergency. something meaningful to Chris covered in a beautiful piece of said. “It seemed so perfect. As You can reach Staff Writer Meg
Jamie had “that awful conver- who enjoyed visiting his grand- fabric the Hamiltons had saved we stood in front of the big shiny McConahey at meg;mcconahey@
sation” with her husband as he parents in Wisconsin. Other from a Shakespeare Festival. oven with his casket, Carl read it pressdemocrat.com or 707-521-5204