Established in 20Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down!

October

The Pittiful News

The Official Satirical Newspaper of the University of Pittsburgh, Published Weekly • Vol. 3 • Issue 8
22
2010
“We’re not pitiful, the news is.”
NFL, bubble
wrap team up
for safety
By: Mike Dill
Staff Writer

After a week in which vicious

hits caused a media firestorm
and the implementation of a
new rule by the NFL, Roger
Goodell is looking to take safety
to the next level.
Goodell, head commissioner
for the NFL, met with Bubble
Wrap CEO Alfred Fielding
Wednesday evening, to discuss
putting Bubble Wrap into NFL
uniforms.
"Obviously, the required pad-
ding isn't doing its job. Players
are still being injured," Goodell
said. "Bubble Wrap has pro-
tected packages for half a centu-
ry, so why can't it protect our Emma Weimer/Staff Photographer
players?" Chem students at Chevron excavate for the legendary, long-forgotten use for Liberal Arts majors.
Players simply cannot wear
more padding without becoming
too bulky. They would look Grad programs differentiate by gender
ridiculous, in addition to having By: Caitlin Kempf
Girls, maybe you want to re- Computer Science: 82%
hindered movement and speed. Staff Writer
consider? boys
"We did consider pillow uni-
Girls: Want to get lucky? So, for those of you looking Civil Engineering: 82% boys
forms, but that would just be
Be an engineering student. for another variable to rule Business Administration
ridiculous!" said Goodell.
It’s a given, at this point; out (or in) the programs and Management: 81% boys
Bubble Wrap is the only ma-
unless you get a good job out you’ve been contemplating, Physics and Astronomy:
terial that makes sense. Players
of an undergraduate intern- here’s a list for consideration. 81% boys
could wear up to five layers of
ship, you are going to need to All statistics are from 2007, Mathematics: 79% boys
Bubble Wrap and still compete
do some graduate work. But from http://graduate- Philosophy: 77% boys
at full speed. However, there
how is one to narrow down all school.phds.org/. Top 10 Female-Heavy Pro-
are concerns about players over-
the fantastic options that Pitt Top 10 Male-Heavy Programs: grams:
heating due to the bubbly mate-
holds? Molecular Biology: 100% Communication Science and
rial.
It’s also a given that not all boys…in a program of one… Disorders: 91% girls
"Yes, we're working on that,"
of you are in long-term rela- Mechanical Engineering: History of Art and Architec-
Goodell boasted. "We have our
tionships. And we all know 89% boys ture: 88% girls
design crew working with Bub-
that some programs are a lit- Electrical Engineering: 87% Hispanic Linguistics: 80%
ble Wrap around the clock. I
tle skewed in the area of gen- boys girls (out of five students)
hear they are close to a break-
der. To start, at Pitt, 58% of Computer Science: 82% Epidemiology: 77% girls
through."
graduate students are women. boys French: 77% girls
There are even more concerns
Sociology: 76% girls
dealing with Bubble Wrap's

NFL, Page 2 Gender, Page 2

2 The Pittiful News—PittifulNews@gmail.com—www.pittifulnews.com

Bubble wrap helps protect? Gender stats are all akimbo

NFL, Page 1
unfamiliarity with clothing or
uniform design. Bubble Wrap
was never meant to be worn by
people.
"Yeah, I have no idea what
I'm doing. However, money is
money and the NFL is certain-
ly giving me a lot of it," Bubble
Wrap CEO Alfred Fielding said
in his only released statement.
Even with the concerns,
there is still reason to believe
Bubble Wrap uniforms could
be a success for everyone. First
off, the players will be much
more protected. Secondly, the
severity of hits could be meas-
ured by how many bubbles are
popped. For example, one
popped bubble could be a 5
yard penalty, two popped bub-
bles could be a 10 yard penalty
and so on until fines and sus-
pensions come into play.
The Bubble Wrap uniforms
could even increase ticket and
jersey sales. Die-hard fans
would want to keep up with
the latest NFL fashions and
would want to see the new uni-
forms up close. Bubble Wrap
catchphrases would develop as
fan favorites ("Wow, he really
popped him on that one!" for
example).
If you are still wary on the
subject, just take this into con-
sideration:
Who doesn't love Bubble
Wrap?
Exactly.
Are more issues with bubble
wrap popping into your head?
Let us know: Pittiful-
News@gmail.com
Also, read more of Mike Dill’s
work at:
http://bleacherreport.com/
users/45080-michael-nevin
Gender, Page 1
Sociology: 76% girls ness of students in various pro-
Teaching Fields: 76% girls grams, either, so you may be
Psychology: 72% girls out of luck.
Linguistics: 71% girls Still, there’s a definite state-
Library Science: 68% girls ment made when you’re one of
Interestingly enough, though the eight boys to walk into the
boys took the stereotypical 48-person Masters of Occupa-
engineering and “hard science” tional Therapy Class of 2012.
areas of study, girls took a lot Are you going to find the ca-
of the biology programs. Pro- reer—and man or woman—of
grams that were pretty even in your dreams in grad school?
gender demographics include
history, neuroscience, anthro- Is your major’s gender balance
pology, and political science. particularly skewed? Let us
Don’t put too much stock in know at pittiful-
this list, though; your parents news@gmail.com.
will tell you that there are oth-
er important considerations for
program choice. And it’s not
perfect, either. For example,
this list doesn’t look at how
many students are in a pro-
gram, total, so you might end
up in a class of four students.
For some reason, no one has
done research on the single-

The Pittiful News

Is Having A Party!!!
To celebrate our 49th Issue!
Because 50 gets too good a rap. 49 is a perfect square, after all.
Can 50 do that?

Nordy’s Place: November 5th, 9PM

Check pittifulnews.com for more info