“If you feel stuck, frustrated, blocked, unhappy, or confused, this book is for you.

Through powerful exercises, metaphors, and insights, this book will serve as your
personal guide to reclaiming peace, harmony, and true happiness.”

A Practice Guide to Nurturing Self

Love, Self Discovery, and
Self Acceptance

Tim Shurr, M.A.

Copyright  1998 by Tim Shurr, M.A.

All rights reserved

including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.
Published by Shurr Success, Inc.
1000 E 80th Place, Ste 210
Merrillville, Indiana 46410

Manufactured in the United States of America

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 98-96728

This book is dedicated to all of you who have helped me to learn and grow as a result of
the relationships we’ve shared. Special thanks go out to Dennis Hepp, Louise Hummel,
Karen Price, Andrea Miller, and everyone else who fine-tuned this particular piece. A
special thanks goes out to the one person who makes all my efforts worthwhile—thank
you Stacey Ann. My heart belongs to you...

2
 CONTENTS

Introduction 8

Chapter One
What the Hell is Happening

I’m Supposed to be Happy 14

Emotional Overload 15
Chapter Two
Women and Men: both whom suffer

Women: Guilt 23
Men: Internal Pressure 29
Communication: The Lost Art 30
Chapter Three
Stopping the Negative Cycle

What Is A Negative Cycle? 33

How to Break the Cycle 34
Changing What You Say To Yourself 38
Changing Your Perception 41
Surround Yourself With Positive Energy 44

Chapter Four
Setups, Resistance, Secondary Gains,
and Other Defenses
Resistance 47
Fear 50
What If 51
Setups 53
Back Up Plans 55
Secondary Gains: What Are They? 57
Denial 58
Self-fulfilling Prophecy 60

3
 CONTENTS
Chapter Five
Where Do I Go From Here? The Exercises...

Journaling 61
Self Acceptance 66
The Mirror 67
Positive Affirmations 71
Self Appreciation 75
Knowing What You Want and Then Getting It 77
To Be Another 79
What Would You Change? 80
Creating Your New Life 80
Your Future Self 81

Chapter Six
The Gift of Self -Hypnosis

Frequently Asked Questions about Hypnosis 87

Chapter Seven
Self-Hypnosis for Relaxation, Energy, and Balance

The Beach 90

Chapter Eight
More Tools for Peace and Relaxation

Meditation 96
Meditation Exercise 100
Learning the Relaxation Response 101
Instilling the Relaxation Response 102
Enjoyable Exercise 103
Fun Exercise 104
Pseudo Swearing 104
The Silent Scream 105
Burial Ceremony 105

4
 CONTENTS
Chapter Nine
Releasing the Anger

Letting Go 108
Luv is the Answer 113

Chapter Ten
Healing the Little Girl or Boy Inside

The Parent 118

The Adult 119
The Child 119
Your Inner Child 121

Chapter Eleven
Secondary Gains--Do You Have Any?

Your Unconscious Agenda 128

Chapter Twelve
Self Discovery--Going Within

Setting Goals and Knowing When You 133

Have Achieved Them
Your Inner Guide 137
Creating Your Future Once You Know 138
What You Want
Manifesting Goals and Outcomes 140

Chapter Thirteen
Self Love--Not the end, but the means...

Chapter Fourteen
Review of the Five Essential Ingredients to 141
Being Successful and Happy

Chapter Fifteen
As You Look Into Your Future... 146

5
 INTRODUCTION

How many times have you known what you didn't want, but when it came to
knowing what you did want, you drew a blank? Why is that? We've all become so
overwhelmed and cluttered with the dramas and challenges of everyday life that we’ve
actually forgotten how to truly live in peace and harmony. Life seems so tiring anymore,
we don’t even know how to relax, much less spend time loving and learning about
ourselves. Our society as a collective has forgotten it’s purpose, it’s true reason for
existence. Every day, more individuals who make up this great society declare that they,
too, have lost touch with their feelings, desires, goals, and even identities.

Therefore, this book was written to lead society, one person at a time, back to a
state of peace and harmony. Although this book offers you a wealth of knowledge and
inspiration, three themes stand out above the rest. 1) You shall re-establish who you are
and where you wish to be. 2) You shall define and articulate what your problem areas
are and how to resolve them. 3) You will learn how to make contact with your inner most
wisdom and discover that what you most desire in your near and distant future can be
yours. This book will teach you the secrets of manifesting your most sacred goals and
then bring them back into your present reality. All you have to do is keep reading. ☺

As you probably know, when we get caught up in the drama of life, it feels like
there isn't enough time in the day. Life becomes too busy, and we feel as though we
don’t even have a chance to sit down and catch our breath. If you don't take the time to
sit down, much less relax, how can you possibly have time to focus on your own needs,
wants, or desires? This rushed feeling of not having enough time for ourselves, and not
knowing what we would do if we did have the time, is all too common in today’s society.
The worst part is that the majority of us who get caught up in this facade believe this is
what life is all about. I hate to hear people say, "that's just the way it is," because it's not!
The most commonly heard phrase in the psychotherapist’s office is, “I don’t even know
who I am anymore!” simply because this form of helpless thinking is so broadly
accepted.

In our society, more people are becoming depressed and sick each year. Billions
of dollars are spent annually on drugs (e.g., anti-depressants, medications, marijuana) and
alcohol in an attempt to escape the suffering. Just as we have become tolerant to
the violence and cruelty in the world, we are also steadily becoming more sedated to the
fact that depression, low self-esteem, identity crises, and a tremendous amount of stress
are all a normal part of life. This is so far from the truth, yet many will go on searching
for immediate gratification or quick fixes to problems which cannot be solved with

6
drugs or money. Symptoms will continually be treated instead of pinpointing the source
of one’s troubles. Thankfully, you have chosen to no longer be a part of this. This
decision has saved your life!

This book will serve as a guide to help you discover your own inner peace, truth,
love, and joy. All the necessary tools and exercises needed to make a loving and
nurturing lifestyle change are provided for you, but actually making things change will be
up to you. Journeys such as the one you are about to embark upon are tough, believe me,
but they are also the most rewarding experiences you could ever hope to have. In fact,
you will find it is the actual journey that defines who a person is, and not the final
destination. The secret is going deep inside your self, drawing up as much courage, love,
determination, and commitment as possible, and then making it happen. Another secret
is to go with the flow, put away any preconceived ideas or expectations of how things
“should” be or turn out, and accept your self no matter what happens. If you do this, your
rewards shall be great...

Often, after engaging in only a few of the exercises, you may find yourself feeling
somehow reborn. Most feel as though a huge weight has been lifted from their shoulders.
In a way, it has. Many of these activities will help you to release past emotional baggage
that you've been lugging around with you since childhood. Letting go of this and
redirecting your energy and focus towards love, self-acceptance, peace, and joy will
renew your vigor and thirst for love and life. You may also find yourself engaging in
more spiritual activities. It all seems to be part of the same package and will become
more evident as you progress forward.

Although this subject matter is serious, I approach it in a light-hearted manner.

Life can be difficult enough. You don't need to feel as though you’re at fault for
everything, being blamed, or labeled and placed in a category. (You probably get enough
of that from at least one person in your life already.) I hope you find my words to be
quite the opposite. In fact, I'll make you a deal. If you read this book all the way through
and you don't like it (as impossible as that may seem) I will humbly understand if you
don’t read it again.☺

(Whenever you see this symbol, “☺”, it will be your cue to smile as big as you can. It’s
fun, free, and it feels so good, so make sure you do so.)

The world in which we live is generally interpreted and understood by people in

the same manner, that is, through our senses, thoughts, and feelings. People tend to
experience similar modes of thinking and feeling as well. Granted, we are all unique in
our own ways based on innate temperaments, our belief systems, cultures, and personal
life experiences. These things have a significant impact on our perception of the world

7
around us. Yet, because of the way we interpret our experiences through our thoughts
and feelings, we remain linked together at an intrinsic, emotional level. What you think
to yourself determines how you will feel about a particular event or situation. Thus, no
matter what happens to you, you have the final control over how you will act or respond
in a given situation. We all have this ability, which is helpful because it lets us know that
we can make loving changes in our lives. We do possess the power to do so—we always
have...

The negative and fearful thoughts and feelings you experience are also
experienced by most of the population. These include fear, doubt, shame, guilt, anger,
and sadness. We tend to isolate and convince ourselves that we are alone, feeling nobody
could understand our situation, our fears. But you know what? You are not alone. You
never have been and you never will be. Of course, telling you this may not help your
immediate situation, but realizing you are not the only one experiencing life’s dramatic
challenges can also help you realize that you are not crazy, being selfish, or are hopeless.

Therefore, for your healing to begin, we need to focus on changing negative

thinking patterns, which influence how you feel about yourself and others. How often
have you been afraid of what the future might hold, of what could happen if you risked
making changes, and of what others might think if you stood up for what you believed in
(or stood up for yourself)? Your mind will create all kinds of reasons for why you should
stay right where you’re at. Have you ever thought, “Yes, its bad now, but what if I did
something and it got worse?” Or are you laughing right now, thinking, “How could it get
any worse?”

I've heard people remark that they were too old to change. In response to this, I
would like you to do the following exercise before we move any further. It will help you
to challenge this belief and get really motivated to make things better for yourself.

I would like you to imagine looking ten years into your future. It is ten years from
now and we are reminiscing about the past.

What would life be like ten years from now if you remained the way you are?
Would you rather tell me how happy and thankful you are that you made the decision to
make positive, loving changes in your life ten years ago?

Or would you rather look back and complain about how nothing ever changes
and how miserable it has been going through the same destructive cycle year in and year
out?

8
Now imagine looking five years into your future. How happy would you be if things
continued to remain the way they are for another five years? Would you not feel more
hopeless/helpless?

Imagine what your future might look like one year from now?

Imagine six months from now? Do you really want to feel unhappy or unfulfilled for even
one more day?

Are we ever too old to make changes? Is it ever too late? I don't think so.

Throughout this adventure of self-discovery, not only will you have my words of
love, companionship, and encouragement, but you will also have an invaluable source
from which to draw strength and courage in your time of need. The lessons in this book
will teach you how to re-discover, love, care for, and accept yourself. I know you can do
it. Have faith in yourself and realize that every experience in your life has led you up to
this point in time and to these words. Why? It’s simple…

You are ready for change! ☺ (Remember, BIG smile)

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear...

9
 Chapter One

What the hell is happening?

First, let me assure you once more that what you are experiencing is more
common than you may think. In fact, many who appear to have the perfect life, family,
and/or job are just as confused, unsatisfied, and/or unhappy as you may be. When we
come to the point of being fed up with our self, life, or those around us, we begin asking
tough questions like, “Who am I? Why do I do the things I do, even when I know it isn’t
good for me? Why am I here? What do I want? Why do I surround myself with certain
types of people? Why? Why? Why?”

There are those who begin life knowing who they are and what they want to do
with their lives, and then misplace their dreams and ideals somewhere amidst the hustle
and bustle of life. These are the people who wake up one morning thinking, "How in the
world did I end up here?" Others start out thinking they know who they are and where
they want to be, but later find out it wasn't what they expected or hoped for. These are
the people asking themselves, "Now what?" Then, of course, there are those who never
really knew what they wanted and spent a better part of their lives being really upset
about it. These people are the ones asking themselves, "Who am I?"

Sometimes, people will move through various stages of life, perhaps falling into
each of the described categories at one time or another. If these people were to continue
working towards self-discovery and self-awareness, they would move into another yet
unmentioned category. There are those who haven't always known what they wanted to
do, but stuck to the goal of figuring it out, while loving and accepting themselves along
the way. These are the ones who achieve what they were working towards. Not only do
their dreams come true; they discover who they are. It was not the attainment of goals
which brought them to their self-realization. It was the journey and struggle that it took
in getting there. The journey defined their character. The journey you are about to take
will help you define yours.

There does exist another group of people, whom we often dislike because they
always seem so happy and in control. These are the ones who seem to have known all
along what they wanted to do in life, and went about doing it. Interestingly enough, they
don't really work any harder than the rest of us and they aren’t any luckier. Their focus,
however, is on making their own dreams a reality. They live for themselves first and then
for those around them. When we try to live (e.g., take care of, make happy) for those

10
around us, but leave ourselves out, we end up with hurt feelings and built-up resentment.
However, no matter where you may find yourself right now, one thing is certain. You
can and do have the power to change your life for the better. The situation doesn't matter.
There is always hope.

Regardless of how lonely, isolated, desperate, or confused you may feel, the tools
in this book will help you get to where you want to be (or at least closer to it). It's just a
matter of incorporating the exercises, accepting yourself where you are now, and not
allowing yourself to give up when the going gets tough. So for now, please try to put
away the other four letter words you have been using to describe your circumstances and
substitute this four letter word as your new descriptor: HOPE.

I’M SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY

Have you ever thought to yourself, “I have done all the things society, my parents
and my peers have told me would make me happy, and guess what? I'm not happy.
What went wrong? What did I do? I should have listened to my gut, instead of everyone
else. Maybe I deserve not to be happy. Maybe I deserve everything I get. All I have is
bad luck. Things are never gonna change. If only I would have done this or that.”
Sound familiar?

The feelings you may be experiencing have probably been building up inside for
some time, even if it feels like it just hit you all at once. Most people store their
emotional pains and hurts inside, swallowing what they want to say instead of expressing
their feelings, thoughts, and/or emotions. If this happened occasionally, we could
probably shrug it off. However, the problem is that most people repeatedly stuff their
feelings and emotions. Pretty soon, too much negative energy builds up and Boom! You
lay into someone like a hurricane, letting everything come out at once (even things that
happened years ago). Then, of course, the person who triggered the outburst is left
standing there mumbling awkwardly, "I only asked if we were out of toothpaste...”

EMOTIONAL OVERLOAD
The following are some emotions you could be experiencing: depression,
numbness, anger, frustration, sadness, hopelessness, and confusion. I will begin with
feelings of depression and work my way down. Depression stems partly from feeling
hopeless and helpless. Depression also seems to manifest as anger turned inward. If you

11
are feeling down, have low energy and/or motivation, have trouble sleeping, are losing or
gaining weight, have trouble at work, home, or school, you may be suffering from
depression. Most everybody experiences some type of lugubrious (very sad) feelings at
one time or another during their life. After all, life is hard and sometimes feeling really
sad is entirely normal. However, if you feel like you can no longer cope, I really
recommend seeking some type of mental health counseling. A myth exists that you have
to be crazy to get help (therapy). I think this myth is what’s really crazy!

To begin with, we cannot be objective with ourselves, because we only see what
we want to see (only our side of it.) This is one of the benefits of having friends, clergy,
and therapists available to us. All of us have needed guidance and direction at certain
times in our lives, and these people play a huge role in our personal growth and
development. Of course, there are those who will declare they don’t need help from
anyone and that therapy is for loonies. Unfortunately, these individuals are usually the
ones who need it the most!

If you find yourself in a situation where you think you cannot trust telling your
friends or family how you truly feel, counseling can be a viable option for you. Sessions
are confidential and nobody has to know you are going. Many people feel their friends or
family would not understand, would not support or take them seriously, would laugh at
them, or would tell the entire world what was shared. Others fear people would view
them as crazy, craving attention, faking it, or even spoiled.

Spoiled, that is a tricky one. When you force everything down and paint a pretty
picture on the outside, everyone else views you as having it all (e.g., the perfect
relationship, family, and/or career.) How dare you complain about anything, right? All
the longer, it makes it increasingly more difficult for you to tell them how you really feel
inside.

Two things can happen here. First, you don't want to hurt those you genuinely
care about, so you don’t think you should lay guilt on them by going into counseling.
You are expected (stemming from culture, parents, religion, and personal beliefs) to take
care of those around you first, then if a couple minutes before bedtime are available, you
could take care of yourself. Unless, of course, you are too exhausted to take care of
yourself at this time, then you just collapse into bed thinking unconvincingly, “tomorrow
will be different.” Some feel that only women suffer from this type of behavior. In
Chapter Three, I will explain how both genders are afflicted.

The second thing that happens is you actually begin to believe it is your fault
things are the way they are. Even worse is thinking you deserve what you get, as if you
are being punished for mistakes of the past. This is the most terrible thing you could ever

12
do to yourself. Have you ever heard the expression, "your own best friend and worst
enemy"? More often than not, the latter is the case. If you do feel or believe you deserve
what you get, ask yourself where you came up with this idea. Perhaps you were told this
as a child? Do you take responsibility for everything, even if it’s somebody else’s
responsibility? Do you guilt trip yourself for things that you have absolutely no control
over? You know you don't have to accept or believe everything you were taught as a
child. This will be discussed in more detail later.

Individuals having been through a lot emotionally, physically, psychologically,

and spiritually, have described feeling a numb sensation throughout their bodies and
minds. They feel dazed, unable to think clearly, and unable to feel (which sometimes is
described as a good thing). Eventually this feeling fades, temporarily serving its purpose
of giving the individual a break from the havoc. At this time, one chooses to sort things
out and take initiative, or to close down again, and risk re-experiencing similar feelings
somewhere down the road.

Feeling angry, frustrated and sad, go hand in hand with each other. Many times,
anger is the easiest of all emotions with which to get in touch. When someone makes a
negative remark to you, it hurts. As a protective measure, sometimes instead of dealing
with the hurt, anger is often experienced first, and a fight or flight response occurs. By
fight or flight, I mean one of two things generally takes place. When something negative,
mean, cruel, or condescending is directed your way, either you stuff the situation down
(take flight passively,) or get up and leave (take flight actively). On the other hand, you
may decide to incorporate the other response; turning around and fighting like hell.

When you leave (take flight), it's generally temporary. Leaving the situation
allows you to avoid any further hurt or emotional abuse. Yet, when you leave the
situation, what happens? The hurt and pain is taken with you, and through a series of
elaborate semi-conscious filters, you begin stuffing the feelings, hence, stuffing the hurt.
What likely occurs next is either a couple of hours or even days of screaming and yelling,
or you dish out a good old-fashioned dose of the dreaded silent treatment. When healthy
and loving communication ceases between the parties involved, all that transpired gets
swept under the carpet (so to speak) or stuffed. This is why things that happened several
months ago seem to keep coming up in your arguments. Those past hurts were never
fully resolved or even acknowledged.

When you stay and fight, you are hurt, but you are also pissed off. Your only
intention is to hurt back. This does nothing to resolve the initial hurt and usually only
makes for a mud- slinging contest, where even more hurtful things are said.

13
 “Sad” is the emotion describing the whole situation, and frustration is what results
when you enter into the "poor me" mode, which elicits "Why is all of this happening to
me?" I'd like to note here that leaving the situation is not always a negative thing. As
long as the situation is resolved in a manner healthy to both individuals involved, leaving
the situation can help you calm down and discuss the argument rationally at a later time.
The trick is to come back to each other and resolve the issue. This entails both parties
listening to each other, asking for what they need, and validating the other's feelings.
Instead of addressing the underlying issues, however, most people opt to simply forget
about the argument (though the emotional impact is rarely forgotten). Because left over
hurt and anger has not been resolved, subtle jabs will be thrown out in an attempt to strike
up another round of (ineffective) communication which ultimately leads to another lost
battle for both sides.

Though more common, anger is not always experienced. In some instances,

people avoid getting in touch with their anger, never realizing how furious they really are.
When one does begin to make contact with his or her anger, several things can occur.
Hostility and anger, which have been stuffed down and tucked away for so many years,
can suddenly seem too terrifying to let out. I've often heard phrases like "I'm too afraid to
let it out. I don't know what will happen or what I would do. I'm scared that once I let it
out, I won't be able to stop it."

It is rarely the case that anything more damaging occurs. Instead, once the anger
is released, a sense of relief and calm quickly ensues. However, one adverse reaction I
have seen is a strong sense of shame and/or guilt over harvesting such hostile feelings.
How can I be so angry/resentful towards a loved one? These intense feelings of shame
and guilt can many times be worse than the initial anger.

It is important for people to know that you can love someone and be very angry
with them at the same time. A common example is the recently widowed woman who is
quite mad at her departed spouse for leaving (abandoning) her. A spouse, whose husband
becomes sick and must be taken care of for an undetermined period of time, may also
experience underlying hostility, frustration, and anger. It is perfectly normal to become
angry with someone when you feel that in some way, you are being taken away from
your own needs. No matter what the emotion, if it stems from a loved one, the feelings
intensify. If you feel taken for granted, it hurts. If you feel taken for granted by a loved
one, it hurts more.

When one does finally become in touch with his or her hurt and angry feelings,
positive change can commence. Many daughters who experience intense anger and
sometimes hateful feelings towards their mothers begin to heal after they stop denying
these feelings, and allow themselves to experience and work through them. By releasing

14
themselves from the grips of anger, they become free from its emotional constraints.
Thus, it is vitally important to work through any unresolved feelings of guilt and shame
after experiencing anger towards a loved one.

Feeling a certain degree of helplessness and hopelessness seems normal when

after going through the same old negative routine and/or pattern of behavior, you always
get the same or similar results. Consider these quotes. “If you always do what you have
always done, you will always get what you always got” (Ed Castor). “The definition of
insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome” (author
unknown).

Perhaps you're thinking to yourself "...but I have tried to make changes and it just
doesn't matter what I do, things never change." What I find manifesting in most cases in
which people try to make changes and nothing happens, is they are attempting to change
the people around them, and not themselves. This, of course, is why you feel hopeless
and helpless. You cannot change those around you. The only one you can truly change
is yourself. This is why people with control issues are tortured. They feel so helpless
and out of control that they try desperately to take control over everything and everyone
around them. The irony is that they are still not in control. Their own control issues are
controlling them. My point is that people are going to be the way they are and there is
really nothing you can do about it. However, you can and do have control over how you
perceive and handle situations, and this is where the true power of change exists.
Changing how you perceive yourself, and the world around you, will be the key to
unlocking inner peace and tranquillity. (More on how to do this in Chapter Three).

Alas, we will address confusion. Confusion is a state of mind where something

doesn't make sense to us. While trying to understand, for example, why you always seem
to attract the same type of person into your life, several different scenarios will play in
your head, as an attempt to figure out which one makes sense. Eventually your head will
become so filled up with rationalizations, discouragement, and emotion, you end up
feeling even more confused and frustrated than before. At this point, people either feel
like giving up ("I'm/it's hopeless”), or continue to drive themselves mad trying to figure it
all out. When you find yourself in this mode, the best thing to do is take in a deep breath
and let it go for awhile.

Stopping isn't as hard as you may think, as long as you reassure yourself that you
fully intend to come back to this at a later time. Here is why forgetting about it for
awhile and letting it go can be so beneficial. Have you ever forgotten somebody's name
or the name of a song, which seemed to be right on the tip of your tongue, but you just
couldn't remember it? Frustrating, huh? And trying to force your self to remember only
made it more vague, right? But then, when you stopped thinking about it and just let it

15
go, the answer you were searching for seemed to pop right into your mind from nowhere.
Well, this is what I’m suggesting you do. When feeling confused or frustrated about
anything, let it go for awhile. Give yourself time to generate and listen for feedback from
the wiser part of your mind. The feedback will come in the form of an insight or feeling.
Allow the confusion to unravel itself.

If you have tried this before and it didn't work, do not fear, for I have provided
exercises in this book that will help you tap into your inner wisdom and facilitate more
understanding. Also, try not to feel like you have to figure it all out now. Even though
you may desperately want changes in your life, through trying to force change, you will
only block yourself from achieving it.

Another good idea is to ask for help when you are having a difficult time. Often,
our answers are right in front of us but we can't see them. Why? Because it is extremely
difficult to be objective with ourselves. We usually miss what is obvious to another, or
what is right under our nose. Of course, there is always the possibility that we may be
missing it, because we really don't want to see it. Sometimes it's just easier to remain
clueless...

So there you have it. You are not a victim. You simply got caught up in the
crazy game of life and were fooled by the facades it provided you. So have faith, my
friend, for the first steps were to realize that there might be something wrong and to seek
help, to identify the problem(s), and to realize you are not alone. As you read on, I will
provide you with feasible options, alternatives, and exercises for promoting self-
acceptance, self-discovery, and self-love. The rest will come from you.

Change can be very scary. If making changes were easy, everyone would do it.
But the fact remains that most people don't take chances. Instead of making positive,
healthy changes at the expense of feeling uncomfortable for a little while, people will
choose to remain in their comfort zones, feeling uncomfortable and unhappy anyway.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both,
And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could,
To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same...

16
 ...I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages
hence: Two roads diverged in a wood and I --
I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all
the difference.

Robert Frost (1916)

Chapter Two

Women and Men: both of whom suffer

There are several reasons why people seem to lose track of themselves and their
identities. On the outside, it appears these reasons are different for men and women, but
if you take a closer look, many of the reasons are the same. We all have basic needs and
desires consisting of love, nurturing, acceptance, and attention. There is a good deal of
negative attention these days directed towards both men and women, which somehow
makes both genders out to look like the enemy. Blanket generalizations like "Men are
afraid of commitment," and "Women are needy," are common when groups of the same
gender gather for a moan and groan session. Not all men are afraid of commitment and
not all women are needy. The fact is, both genders suffer when forced to assimilate
under played out stigmas of what it means to be a man or woman. Attempting to act
completely masculine or completely feminine without discovering or acknowledging the
wonderful qualities each gender possesses is to do oneself a great injustice.

Instead of putting each other down and criticizing others for not being the way we
think they should be, we need to begin loving each other and acknowledging the
wonderful qualities each of us has to offer. The more we separate ourselves from one
another, the more we both lose out, and the more we will all continue to suffer.

WOMEN: GUILT

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 Women are--and have always been--the caretakers of the world. You are
expected to take care of your spouse, your children, your household, your parents’ needs,
your spouse's parents needs, your friends needs, strangers needs. The only problem is
you have left out the needs of the most important person in your life: you. This, of
course, isn’t totally your fault. Society, culture, family beliefs and values, the opposite
sex, and other forces that influence human behavior have helped to shape your demeanor.

Through taking care of everyone else and leaving little or no time for themselves,
it is not surprising so many women feel they have lost contact with their own identity.
It's commonplace to hear women say I don't know who I am anymore or I feel like I've
lost my voice in the world. If you feel like this, keep in mind, you’re not alone.

Here is clarification on what it means to lose one's voice. When a woman

suppresses her own thoughts, feelings, opinions, values, beliefs, and/or needs for a
lengthy period of time, she will begin to feel two things. First, she will feel as though her
"stuff" isn't as important or valuable as others people’s. Secondly, she will begin to feel
like she doesn't even know what her "stuff" is anymore. This is evident through
statements like the following: "I don't know what I want." "I don't know what I believe
anymore." "I don't know where I want to go in life." "It's all so blurry." "I'm so
confused." "I feel lost inside myself."

Because a portion of how we define ourselves consist of beliefs, values, opinions,

and needs, these aspects are crucial to one's identity. If these expressions of self are
repeatedly suppressed, more than expressed, one will inevitably begin to lose touch with
who they are and what they want. The act of stating/asking for what one needs becomes
less and less voiced. Hence, one loses one's voice.

Physical and psychological symptoms can evolve from this type of emotional and
spiritual neglect. Physical symptoms can include sore throats, asthma (e.g., a feeling of
having a heavy weight on one's chest) obesity, chronic pain, and dis-ease. Psychological
symptoms can include insomnia, depression, addiction, and in extreme cases, chronic
laryngitis.

Years of neglecting personal need often results in the retaliation of the body.
Thus, you become sick and are forced to focus attention on yourself. People with cancer
repeatedly state cancer was their wake-up call. They will also tell you how much they
wished it didn't take cancer to make them "wake-up."

Unfortunately, it is common for people to remain stuck in negative cycles or

patterns of behavior until something terrible happens. My question to you and to the
world is why wait? What can possibly be so bad about loving and caring for you in a

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positive and nurturing manner? If you’ve had to learn this the hard way, as most of us
do, know that when dealing with whatever problem you may be up against, how you
love, care, and treat yourself now will be the key to your recovery. If you have not
reached a point of physical or mental illness, take heed to the lessons, heartaches, and
wisdom of others.

It is vital to know and accept in your heart that you are just as important and
valuable as any other person on this planet. Also know the only person who can truly
keep you from believing this is you. Others may try to interfere or stop you from
believing in yourself (which has more to do with their own issues), but only you will
have the final choice in allowing it to happen or not.

When you allow others to interfere with the expression of your true self, it almost
always boils down to some type of underlying fear. Even as a child, if you suppressed
your true self, it was probably because you were either afraid of being unkindly punished
or of losing the love, acceptance, care, or nurturing of a loved one (e.g., parent). Even
children who are abused will cling to any ounce of love or attention from an abusive
caregiver. As children, we do not have much choice over what happens to us. However,
as an adult, we do. If you find yourself in a current situation where you are not using
your voice, it can be helpful to ask yourself: What am I afraid of? The answer might be
obvious. Or it might not.

Do you ever wake up in the morning and declare that something has to change?
What follows? Do you get so caught up in all the things which "need" to get done that
the thought is temporarily forgotten? Do you stuff those feelings down so you don't have
to experience the pain and anxiety that comes with knowing what you have to do? Or do
you actually do something about your internal feelings? Whatever the case, the final
decision to make changes has to be made by you. If you attempt to include others, such
as your spouse or mother, in the decision, he/she may only complicate the matter.
Remember other people may not always agree or want the same things as you do. In
addition, you are the only one who truly knows what you really want, need, or desire
anyway. On the other hand, if your spouse is loving and supportive of your endeavors,
utilize this powerful source as much as you can. Just remember to keep your partner
informed on what's happening with regards to your progress. Spouses are not mind
readers and they have their own insecurities as well. Keeping them up-to-date will keep
them from forming their own conclusions.

One's family can be the best and worst support system available. If family
members are supportive, let them help you. Supportive family members can be excellent
comrades in tough situations, especially if they have once been where you are now.
However, if your family is not so supportive, do not become discouraged. Talking with

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good friends, joining supportive groups, seeing counselors (or anyone else who will not
de-evaluate your efforts and give you honest, constructive feedback) can be of great help.
Having support, reassurance, and a different perspective is vital when making positive,
enduring lifestyle changes.

Even when people know what they want, asking for it can be an excruciating task.
One of the reasons for this is guilt. Guilt is an emotion which stems from feeling that one
has done something wrong to another person. The main difference between feeling guilty
and feeling remorse is that guilt is an irrational feeling where one takes the responsibility
for another’s feelings, actions or responses. Remorse is a rational feeling, where one
feels bad for not taking personal responsibility for the sake or safety of another human
being. In certain circumstances, guilt and remorse are viewed as normal, healthy
emotions. Yet it becomes offset when we find ourselves constantly feeling guilty over
various situations, especially when these situations are out of our control.

Emotions are neither good nor bad. They just are. Regardless of whether they are
"justified" or not, when you experience an emotion, it feels very real. Yet, too much of a
certain emotion can produce severe and even lethal results. Too much anger, for
instance, can be quite detrimental to your physical and mental well being. On the other
hand, not letting yourself experience anger when appropriate can also be damaging to
your mind and body. Stress is normally viewed as negative. In moderate doses, stress
can be very good for you. It keeps you motivated and active, and warns you when your
body is becoming overloaded. It also helps you move beyond self-limiting boundaries,
thus establishing new, improved ones. Therefore, the keys to a healthy, happy, and
prosperous life are balance and moderation.

When we feel we have made the wrong decision, the fear is that someone will be
disapproving of us. This is intensified if an important person in our life is involved. Of
course, it's perfectly normal to want love and acceptance from family and peers. Be
aware that this becomes negative and unhealthy when we begin placing more importance
on another’s values, judgments, and ideals than on our own. Often, this is learned as
children. We internalize our parents’ values, ideals, and attitudes, making them our own.
As we mature, our experiences shape, challenge, and reinforce the belief system our
caregivers instilled in us. How many times have you said something and then thought to
yourself how much you sounded like your mother (or father)? That’s always scary, huh?

Sometimes, we even receive subtle, mixed messages from our parents, whether
intended or not, that we are incapable, foolish, or not good enough to make our own
decisions. If this last statement makes you a bit suspicious, think back to one of the very
first words you heard, quite frequently, as you began to move around on your own. “NO.
NO. NO!” This doesn't imply parents are bad or mean people. It just means when

20
children are born, they do not arrive with a manual. We try to do as well as we can and
hope for the best. Yet, parental actions, behaviors, and intentions are often
misinterpreted by children, and negatively internalized.

Here is an example. If you had over-protective parents, underlying messages

were being sent that you were unable to take care of yourself, and it was necessary for
them to take extra precautions with you. As a result, you grew up unsure of yourself and
untrusting of your own decisions, placing more value and reliability on the judgments of
others (your parents). Some of us grew up in a generation which felt children should be
seen and not heard. Many who were raised in this way act accordingly in adult life,
especially when around authority figures. When you go to the doctor (any doctor), do
you ever question him/her?

Feeling guilty can also keep us from acting or correcting a situation for fear of
what may happen, even if it is in our own best interest. "If we already feel guilty, why
make it worse?" How many times have you sacrificed your own ideas, opinion,
intentions, and values because you felt guilty? Even if you knew you were right? Even if
it meant the same thing would happen again?

As stated before, guilt can also stem from feeling you are responsible for someone
else's actions. If you do something you know is best for you, then start feeling guilty
about it because another responds in a negative way, what you are doing is blaming
yourself for the actions of another. This, of course, is not justified because you have little
control over what another person does. If you did have control over another’s actions,
you wouldn’t be feeling guilty in the first place. So to blame yourself for the actions or
reactions of another is not only futile, it’s a waste of energy you could be using to make
yourself feel happier. It’s up to others to take care of themselves, to take responsibility
for their own actions, and to stop pointing fingers at you. It is up to you to do the same
for your self.

MEN: INTERNAL PRESSURE

Men have always seemed to be in charge, to be the privileged ones with power
and authority. However, what was once privilege has now become obligation. Most men
feel obligated to strive towards total independence, power, and superiority. Men are not
judged by who they are, but by what they do. What question, do you suppose, is most
asked of men in the first two minutes of an introductory conversation? So, what do you
do for a living?

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 Psychologist Warren Farrell did an excellent job of discussing why men are the
way they are. He suggested women are treated as sex objects, while men are treated as
success objects. Men are geared towards success, accomplishment, independence, and
self-reliance. Yet they are also taught, outwardly and subtly, not to depend on others, not
to be emotional, and not to cry like a baby over their problems. This is a ton of pressure.
If being a man means having to stuff my emotions and always pull myself up by my own
bootstraps, forget it. This tough guy attitude is exactly why men seem withdrawn, angry,
temperamental, and why they drop dead at fifty from a massive coronary.

It’s easy to get caught up in the daily grind, losing track of who you are, where
you fit in, and what you originally wanted to do with your life. Men are pushed to be the
best (at everything), to provide for their families no matter what the cost (30-40 years at a
job they hate, working overtime more days than not), and definitely to not whine about it.
One statistic suggested the highest rate of death for men is on Monday mornings around
nine a.m. They would rather die in their sleep than go one more day to the office, mill,
garage, etc. Even if a man doesn't experience an overt amount of pressure from society
(which is rare), the internal pressure to succeed is great, and the costs can be devastating.

Because men keep their stress, frustration, anger, and disappointment bottled up
inside, they look to more socially accepted outlets from which to forget about life for
awhile. Many men come home from work, grab a beer, and plop down in front of the
television set. They find solitude and comfort in coming home and tuning out the world.
They don't have to think about anything and can just have quiet time to themselves.
Women, this is why men don't want to carry on an in depth conversation while watching
television.

Because of this, men need to begin changing the way they think. This change will
probably occur more gradually for men than for women, just because it is still more
accepted for women to enter counseling and/or workshops. Men, we need to get more
connected with our emotions and feelings. If you are a man and you really want to be a
success, don't drive yourself crazy trying to achieve the goals and expectations somebody
else has instilled in you. Instead, begin sharing your own goals, hopes, fears, and dreams
with those around you who are supportive and caring. Being a man isn't about being the
strongest or toughest or even richest. It's about being truthful, honest, and reliable--not
only with others, but also with your self.

COMMUNICATION: THE LOST ART

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 The idea that men and women have trouble communicating with each other is
nothing new. Both genders have difficulty communicating in a way that the opposite sex
can understand, but there are other reasons why people have such difficult times asking
for what they need and want. The two most common reasons are fear and uncertainty.

Fear. People are afraid of being invalidated, rejected, or laughed at. Nobody
wants to feel inadequate, stupid, crazy, or bitchy. The good news is that people can only
make you feel this way if you let them. Granted, people will do or say things that hurt,
whether we like it or not. It’s how you allow yourself to respond that’s the key. For
instance, do you repeatedly reminisce over past events? Do you keep the hurt fresh in
your mind? Do you tell yourself that you deserve to feel bad?

Once we are hurt, it is common to switch into victim mode. It is in this mode that
many of us remain stuck. You will undoubtedly run into people who seem to know right
where your buttons are. If you can move away from becoming emotionally attached to
negative or hurtful things, you will be able to move into a more contemplative mode. In
this mode, you will be able to observe why certain individuals behave towards you in the
way they do. Through understanding why people attempt to hurt you, you will also
understand that it's really not personal. Mostly, we try to hurt others when we ourselves
are feeling scared or hurt. Often, people don't even mean what they say and end up
regretting it later. Imagine the pain and hurt you could avoid if you realized this in the
first place. Through responding to others in a more calm, understanding, loving, and
patient manner, derogatory actions, words, and deeds will no longer be taken so
personally or have the same impact on you. In being able to let things go by more easily,
you will be living by one of the wisest principles of them all. You won’t be sweating the
small stuff.

The second reason is uncertainty. We must first know what we want before we
can expect others to know. There is a common exchange between couples where the
husband is in trouble with his wife. He asks, "What's wrong?" She replies, "Well, if you
don't know...!" People are not mind readers (except for my mother). We have to ask for
what we need and want. Do not assume somebody knows or should know--especially
somebody of the opposite sex. We have to communicate more clearly. We have to ask
and tell each other what we need and want. If you don't know, you need to take the time
to figure it out first, before expecting another to know. You could even try figuring it out
together with your partner, creating a stronger bond between the two of you.

If you find yourself relating to the previous material, you are not alone. All
human beings tend to experience the same types of fears, worries, negative cycles, and
frustrations. There are specific exercises and techniques you can use to get the answers
you are seeking. The most important of the exercises is coming up next. It deals with

23
negative thinking and what you say to yourself. This alone will help bring you closer to
your goals. So take a deep breath, fill your heart with hope, and continue forth into
Chapter Three.

Chapter Three

Stopping the Negative Cycle

Although it’s meaningful to understand the influences of your past, it is of more

importance to look at what's keeping the situation from changing. It's not only what
others are doing, more significantly, it’s what you are doing, thinking, and saying to
yourself that makes the real difference. We can blame everyone and everything for our
misfortunes, but that will change nothing. You must adopt another stance for real change

24
to occur and part of this stance includes taking responsibility for your own life. This is
done through identifying your own negative cycles, the roles you play in facilitating
them, and how you hold yourself back. Instead of looking at the world to see what
should be changed around you, begin looking introspectively to see what needs to be
changed within yourself. Then you can proceed to create the necessary changes in your
life.

WHAT IS A NEGATIVE CYCLE?

I suggested thinking about what you may be doing to keep the negative cycles in
your life perpetuating. First I would like to explain what I mean by a negative cycle, and
the easiest way for me to do this is through examples. The following example will
explain why people who experience physical pain (i.e., fibromyalgia, migraines) often
feel more pain than is necessary. When pain is experienced, we become anxious. When
we become anxious, our muscles tighten. When muscles tighten, it creates more tension
and pain. When we feel an increase in pain, we become more anxious, which further
tenses the muscles, thus increasing our pain, and so on. Add other variables such as
stress and negative thinking (e.g., "The medicine isn't working. It's getting worse,") and
you have one heck of a negative cycle. Each separate part facilitates the other parts,
simultaneously increasing all the separate parts at once. This all meshes together,
producing an extreme amount of pain and despair, which is not necessary and could
probably be avoided through simple relaxation and calming interventions.

The second example demonstrates a vicious negative cycle, which occurs in

people who have depression. With depression, negative self-talk plays a major role in
facilitating depressive feeling states. When a person begins to experience negative
feelings, they start to worry. This creates more negative thinking, which turns into more
negative feelings, which facilitates more worrying, etc. In addition, we now add thoughts
of helplessness, which escalate into feelings of hopelessness. This, of course, can wreak
havoc on one's self-esteem, which creates more negative thinking, which further
intensifies negative feelings and increases worrying, helplessness, and hopelessness.
Perhaps now you can understand why people suffering from depression don't want to get
out of bed! One adverse thought, feeling, or reaction can quickly turn into many, leaving
one feeling overwhelmed, emotionally exhausted, and thoroughly distressed. All of these
problems feed off each other and results in a terribly negative cycle of depression, which
seems to have no end, further escalating the entire cycle. Does this leave you feeling a bit
dizzy?

25
 The third example was already given when I discussed repressed hostility and
anger toward loved ones. Anger is felt, which ensues shame, then guilt, then resentment,
then more anger, then more shame, then more guilt, etc.

HOW TO BREAK THE CYCLE?

Let's suppose you are smack in the middle of one of these negative cycles. The
two questions asked most are "How do I get out of it," and "Where do I begin?" The first
and most important thing to do is become more aware of what you say to yourself. Since
you were little, a part of you was cultivated through parental influences and beliefs,
cultural ideals, and through your own life experiences. This part of you is what I call
your subconscious filters, subconscious meaning partly in and out of awareness. We all
have our filters. It’s the part of you that translates information coming into your brain
from your senses. What you see, hear, feel, smell, and taste comes through your filters,
where it gets translated into information that makes sense to you. It is also the part of
you that interprets situations/events through holding them up against existing beliefs,
attitudes, and experiences. Cognitive psychologists refer to these subconscious filters as
life scripts or schemas. Schemas are blueprints for how we think the world works and
where we fit in it. They suggest these scripts are mostly completed by the age of eight,
which is kind of scary. Just think, would you want to run your life under the guise of an
eight-year old? (You just may be doing so.)

Life scripts determine things like whether or not we possess an optimistic or

pessimistic attitude, are easy going or uptight, independent or dependent, fearless or
fearful, strong or weak. Because of the diversified forms of temperament, culture, socio-
economic backgrounds, and life experiences, people have formed many different types of
subconscious filters and life scripts, which result in disparate interpretations of situations
and events. This becomes apparent when a bank robbery occurs and ten eyewitnesses
give ten different descriptions of what happened. Although the robbery was the same,
those ten witnesses withdrew sensory information and ran it through their distinct,
subjective filters. As a result, ten different interpretations were assessed. This holds true
for every situation we encounter. No matter what the reality, each person will only be
able to process an experience through his/her own subjective world view (filters).
Therefore, in regards to facilitating your own negative cycles, keep in mind you are not
dealing directly with reality, only your subjective interpretation of it.

In case you had a little difficulty digesting the last comment, here is another way
of explaining the concept of one’s “subjective reality.” Let's say an individual succumbs
to death. The reality is that he/she is dead. However, pay close attention to your initial

26
gut feeling as I propose the following questions. What is your initial reaction or thought
if I were to suggest it was a family member? What if it was not? What if you never
heard of the person before? What if it was a man? What if it was a woman? What if it
was a child? What if this person had been suffering from cancer for many years? What
if he/she died from AIDS? Are the feelings/thoughts (interpretations) that you are
experiencing any different? What if this man had been a killer? You see, it's not what
happens that’s important, it's how we interpret the event that’s key.

Here's perhaps a more familiar experience. Two people make the same comment
to you one day. One person you consider a friend and one you consider anything but. Do
you interpret the comment in the same way? Even if a friend makes a slightly negative
comment, we tend to brush it off (or stuff it). But have someone you don't like even look
at you the wrong way and look out! So, it's not what happens, it's what you think
happens and what you say to yourself that matters. Therefore, it’s vital that you begin
listening to what you're saying to yourself. When we actually take the time to listen to
what we fill our minds up with, it is no longer surprising that we feel the way we do.
Often, we hear a criticizing, fearful, demeaning, or condescending little voice that bashes
us down into the ground and makes us feel like we deserve whatever we get. If we had
friends that spoke to us the same way we speak to ourselves, we surely wouldn’t want to
associate with those (so-called) friends. To make matters worse, we have carried this
little voice around with us for so many years that most of us don't even hear it, pay
attention to it, or realize it's there. This is evident in those of us who feel terrible but can't
figure out why. It's like having a really negative cheerleader in the back of your mind,
whispering negative and hurtful cheers, yet you can't quite fully hear the cheers because
of all the commotion going on in your head. Julia Cameron referred to this negative
cheerleader as "the grade school bully, but smarter." Well, it's time to quiet your mind
and inform Mr. or Mrs. cheerleader to either shut up or change the cheer!

Therefore, step #1 of ending negative cycles of behavior in your life is to become

more aware of the things you say to yourself. Step #2 is to interrupt and/or stop negative
self statements, challenge their validity and rationality, and then replace them with more
positive and loving self statements. This process requires lots of time and practice, so be
patient with yourself. Through this, you will realize what you think or say to yourself is
either blown way out of proportion, is a bit irrational, or is so unfair you wouldn’t think
of saying it to another in a similar situation. If you’re having trouble deciphering whether
your self-statements are fair or justified, consider whether you would say the same thing
to a best friend or child, if they were in your shoes. Would you be this harsh on them?
Would you think this negatively or be this critical? Would you think they deserve what
they get? Or would you forgive, make some encouraging or supportive comments, and
move on?

27
 You may be thinking, "it depends," so try this. Let's pretend you just gained five
pounds. What would you silently, yet forcibly say to yourself? Common phrases when
one is immersed within a negative cycle pertaining to weight loss and self-esteem: "I'm so
stupid. I knew I shouldn't have eaten that…. Now people are going to be staring at my
big ass. I won't fit into my clothes anymore. I’m so unattractive my husband won't want
to touch me. I hate myself (when I'm overweight)." Now, if a friend of yours gained five
pounds, what would you say to her/him? Would you be so critical, or perhaps more
supportive? If a child gained five pounds, would you make a comment about the size of
his/her derriere or would you be more loving and supportive of this child, suggesting
better eating habits and more exercise?

Just for the record, too many women judge themselves critically by what the scale
reads in the morning. Yes, society has created an “unrealistic beauty standard.” Yet, it is
women who keep it alive. Often, women will harshly assess themselves based on their
physical appearance. This is sad because a woman is made of so much more than this.
All the wonderful qualities you possess, all discounted because of a standard set by men
seventy years ago. What is that all about? Don’t blame men if you are keeping this
irrational standard alive in your thoughts and ideals. What I suggest is a re-evaluation
period, in which you take time to adjust or modify any existing negative or irrational
expectations, beliefs, and/or judgements you hold towards yourself. It may be necessary
to identify where these expectations originated. Usually, they stem from childhood.
Who in your life has insisted, or is insisting you should always be thinner? Also, be
aware of how you continue to facilitate self-defeating beliefs. Work towards changing
negative, irrational attitudes or beliefs, so that they are more accepting, appropriate, and
realistic for you. It's all part of the same growth process. Take one issue at a time and
create, modify, or reshape your filters so that they are more loving, accepting, and
respectful to and for you.

Apparently it seems much easier to forgive our friends than ourselves, and we are
definitely more supportive of friends. We condemn ourselves, then turn around and
provide support for those who do the same exact thing, reassuring them, "it's not your
fault, you are only human and we all make mistakes." Instead of being easier on
ourselves, we usually makes things much worse than they really are. This is what I refer
to as "worst case scenario" stuff. Something will happen which isn't that big a deal, (e.g.,
making a mistake at work; forgetting to do something) and we proceed to make it a
catastrophe (e.g., "I'll be fired"; "Everything's going to be ruined!")

CHANGING WHAT YOU SAY TO YOURSELF

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 Through the process of listening to what you say to yourself, it will become clear
that your thoughts are directly connected to your feelings. What we feel depends mostly
on what we say to ourselves, hence, we can control much of how we feel by the way we
think. If you say mean things to yourself, you are going to feel bad. If you continually
tell yourself it is hopeless, you are going to feel hopeless. Reality is what you think it is.
If you think you are helpless, stupid, ugly, hopeless, or trapped, you might as well be. It
doesn't matter if this is "reality" or not; it is your reality and you are creating it. We
harvest an amazing power within ourselves. You have the power to create positive or
negative changes in your life. The main point is to focus on changing negative thinking,
and positive feelings will follow. I know I make it sound easy and we both know it's not.
It is possible. Remember our four-letter word? Not that word, the other one. Yes.
HOPE.

As suggested, sometimes it becomes necessary to change parts of our belief

system (our filters). This takes time, patience, learning, and many times, counseling.
Counseling because we often have difficulty being objective with ourselves and we can
fool ourselves into thinking we have changed, even if we haven't. You've spent a lifetime
developing and reinforcing your beliefs and defense mechanisms, and they are not going
to simply change overnight. Attainment of this most difficult task requires time,
patience, and self-acceptance. It is critical that you appreciate yourself for who you are
now. Even if you desire changes within your personality, behavior, or situation, first
accept and appreciate yourself as you are now, then the doors of change will begin to
open for you.

When I conduct weight management workshops, the first step I take is to

convince participants to approach weight loss from a different perspective. Generally,
people tend to regain about 95% of what they lose after going off their diets. Instead of
preaching about proper diet and exercise, I teach people how to love, accept, and
appreciate themselves no matter what they look like or how heavy they are. Participants
can then begin to focus on what they ideally and realistically would like to look like
and/or weigh. Once individuals begin to accept themselves for who they are as a person,
and not just by how they look, it is amazing how the weight begins to melt away, and stay
away. People will exercise and eat healthier, not because they feel they have to, but
because they love and appreciate themselves more, and want to take good care of their
bodies. Until this is achieved, weight management and self-image will almost always be
an unsettling issue in one’s life.

Through modifying the way you perceive things, you will learn why you think
and feel the way you do and what can be done differently. You will also be able to
rediscover who you really are and in what direction you would like to proceed. So how
do you stop thinking so negatively about yourself? To recap, Step #1: become more

29
aware of the things you say to yourself. Step #2: interrupt negative thoughts when they
occur. Step #3: challenge one negative thought at a time and replace it with a more
positive/affirming thought and suggestion. Step #4: notice how your feelings become
more pleasant and enjoyable as your thinking becomes more positive and supportive.
Step #5: continue with this process of reinforcing the connection between thinking
positively and feeling good, happy, relaxed, etc. Finally, step #6, which is to repeat steps
1-5 continuously, whether you believe it's working or not. Experts say it takes about 21
days to create a new habit. This would be a wonderfully positive habit for you to have.
Therefore, practice this for three weeks. It will become habitual for you to correct
negative thinking and you will notice a difference in your overall feelings and attitude.
This alone will greatly change your life forever! It surely changed mine.

Let's practice going through these six steps together in a simulated exercise.
Suppose you made a mistake at work and it caused a delay in production. Negative
thought: I'm so stupid! What an idiot! I'm going to lose my job! I'm going to lose
everything! STOP! The best way to stop a negative thought or pattern is to yell out, in
your mind or out loud, STOP! You can even imagine a huge stop sign with blaring
sirens, flashing red lights, and bright neon letters spelling out the word STOP. Condition
your mind (through practicing) to have this stop sign pop out whenever you say anything
negative to yourself, or when you begin to worry excessively. Next, challenge the
negative self-statements rationally and calmly, then proceed to replace the negative
remarks with more positive statements. I am not stupid nor am I an idiot. If I were either
of these, I would not hold the position I have. Furthermore, I am only human and
humans make mistakes. I am not going to lose my job or anything else. It was an honest
mistake and I will take care of it and move on. Or you can simply say, "I am smart, I just
made a mistake." You could even remind yourself that you are not the only one who has
ever made a mistake before. It’s probable that many others have also made the same
mistakes. That’s how we humans tend to learn, through trial and error. Just be careful
that you don’t finish this last thought with, "But nobody has ever made a mistake this bad
before." Here comes the stop sign!

CHANGING YOUR PERCEPTION

When we speak of mistakes, instead of viewing them as terrible misfortunes, we
can see them as learning opportunities. If we didn't make mistakes, we would not have
the knowledge that we do. The majority of learning comes from trial and error. The
most successful people are usually the ones who have made the most mistakes. They are
successful because they remained faithful in their abilities and were not afraid to continue
trying.

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 It took Thomas Edison approximately 4,500 attempts to make the light bulb. A
reporter once asked around the 3,000th trial, "How does it feel to fail so many times?"
Thomas replied, "I have not failed once. I now know 3,000 ways of how not to make a
light bulb." Again, it's all in how you look at it. One can contemplate 3,000 misfortunes,
or one can see 3,000 opportunities from which to learn. It's a good thing for all of us that
Thomas viewed his mistakes as opportunities or you would be reading this book by
candlelight right now.

Here’s another example: An argument takes place between you and your husband,
wife, child, mother, or father, and you say something hurtful. After everything calms
down, what do you say to yourself? Oh my, I am a terrible person. I can't believe I was
so mean. I deserve whatever is coming to me! STOP! Take a couple deep breaths and
allow yourself to calm down. Now, review what happened. Were you hurt? Were you
really angry? Did somebody push your buttons and you just responded without thinking?
Are you perfect? Replace negative thoughts with more rational, positive, and supportive
thoughts. Yes, I said something I probably should not have said. I was hurt, frustrated,
angry, etc. I made a mistake and I am sorry. I will try to mend my errors in a manner,
which is fair for both of us. That’s all I can do."

As you begin using more positive and supportive self- statements, you will notice
a difference in your response to problems, and how you feel afterwards. Life will seem a
bit easier to deal with, and you may feel as though a great weight has been lifted from
your shoulders. By the way, have you ever noticed how you stand or walk around? Are
you slumped over? Thinking positively will not only increase your self-esteem, but it
will also have a significant impact on your physical well being. You just may find
yourself standing up straighter and walking with confidence.

At first, negative thought stopping and positive thinking might seem like a lot of
work, but after a while it will become easier and more automatic. Of course, you will
never know this unless you try it for a minimum of three weeks. If you don't see any
progress, you won’t have lost anything, except maybe a few headaches and a self-induced
guilt trip.

Let’s do more practicing right now. I’d like you to write down two or three
negative self-statements that you use on a regular basis. Next, imagine a large, bright,
flashing, stop sign popping up in your mind’s eye, to challenge the negativity. Then, next
to the negative self-statements, write down what positive self- statement you will use in
place of the negative one next time the situation occurs. It’s easier to practice this now,
when things are going well or at least smoothly. It is much harder to practice when you
are in the middle of full-blown chaos. A prepared mind is a powerful one. This will be

31
the most important thing you can do, so begin now and be persistent. Remember you are
fighting for an extremely important cause; you’re peace of mind.

Three common examples of negative self-talk and the positive replacement

statements
1) I will never be happy. Replace with, “I've been down before and everything
turned out all right. I may not be happy right now, but I will be very soon.” 2) I can't
handle it anymore. Replace with, “I can handle it. I am much stronger than I think. I
just need to take some time out for myself.” 3) Why does this always happen to me?
Replace with, “This doesn't always happen to me. It just happened to me this time. So, I
can sit around and feel sorry for myself or I can do something about it. I'm going to do
something about it. I'm going to stand in my power and take care of myself. I can do it!”

Now it’s your turn. Write down the most common negative phrases you say
to yourself.

1)

2)

3)

4)

Now write down more positive and supporting statements, which will
replace the negative ones you just wrote down.
1)

2)

3)

4)
You may want to create a two-week plan for yourself in which you designate
specific times during the day to practice your positive thinking. Perhaps while you are
getting dressed in the morning, you could give yourself supportive, encouraging strokes

32
(e.g., Today will be a wonderfully productive day.) Tell yourself how confident you are
in your abilities. You will do your best to get what needs to be done first, then work on
other activities if there's time left over.

SURROUND YOURSELF WITH.

POSITIVE ENERGY
You can also provide yourself with positive self-talk breaks throughout the day.
Consider taking one during a coffee break, during lunch hour, while driving home, after
dinner, before you go to bed, etc. By doing this, you will be giving yourself much
needed love, support, and attention. In return, you will begin to experience more energy
and motivation each and every day. You will also get more accomplished by feeling
good about yourself and your productivity. Doesn't this sound better than what usually
happens in a typical day?

Here’s another tidbit of advice. Try giving positive feedback to those around you
and hold back on the negative criticism/sarcasm. When you put negative energy out into
the universe, it comes back to you. The same is true of sending positive energy out into
the universe. Being more positive towards others can help you feel more positive about
yourself. Others will appreciate your positive energy and attitude, and respond
accordingly. This could be the start of a real positive cycle of mutual respect/regard in
your relationships with others.

Part of you, the fearful part, may be thinking, "I don't believe that what I say to
myself will change my situation." DO IT ANYWAY! Do not allow your inner
resistance to keep you from at least trying. Believe me, the experience will change you.

Sometimes the simplest things can have a huge impact. For instance, I remember
working in a mental health facility a long while back. While there, I made agreements
with certain clients to whom I was assigned. Whenever I passed them in the hallway or
walked into a room they were occupying, we would smile at each other. At first they
resisted, saying they didn't feel like smiling. I assured them this was okay and to just try
it for a while. I said they would grow into their smiles. At first, some of them would
visibly force a smile. More of a sarcastic I'm only doing this cause you told me to smile.
However, by the second or third greeting, a wonderful thing began happening. I would
observe a patient looking sad or down. Calmly, I would begin walking towards him,
making eye contact as soon as he gazed my way. Slowly, a huge cheesy smile would
emerge from my lips, providing him his cue. He would notice my cheesy smile and
instantly smile back, and often even begin laughing. Almost immediately, his mood

33
would change. Even if still upset, he was able to talk about what was going on, and all
because of a simple smile.

Imagine modifying one's whole state of attitude and feeling with one change of a
facial expression. It makes sense. When you are in a good mood, you smile or laugh.
When you are in a bad mood, you frown or grimace. Our facial expression triggers states
of feelings because we have made subconscious connections between them. When you
walk around the house with a sad, angry, or hopeless look on your face, you tend to feel
that way. However, if you were to walk around smiling or looking happy for
indeterminate periods of time, you might just end up feeling that way. (Of course, if your
neighbors see you walking around your house smiling, laughing, and talking to yourself,
they might call the police. ☺)

The next time you feel down, low, or helpless, go look in the mirror and check out
your facial expression. If you don't like the expression you see, change it (into a happier
one). It might be just what you need. On an added note, some of us become masters at
appearing happy on the outside, yet feeling sad on the inside. If you identify with this, it
may be helpful for you to begin showing how you feel on the inside more openly. If you
feel sad or if you want to cry, don’t hide it behind a big, “everything is fine” smile.
Allow yourself to feel these emotions. It is healthier for you to be congruent on both the
inside and outside. Plus, others will realize that something is wrong, and together you
can begin to work through the problems at hand.

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 Chapter Four

Setups, Resistance, Secondary Gains, and

Other Defenses

Because so many people fear what might happen, they choose to remain stagnant
in their ways, even if it means being miserable, living in pain, or even dying. To best
prepare you for your new journey towards positive growth and fulfillment, I want you to
be aware of the more prevalent self-defeating mechanisms you may experience (if you
haven’t already). Assuming, negative self-talk, and worst case scenario have already
been discussed. The focus will now be on resistance, the what-if monster, setups,
secondary gains, denial, and self-fulfilling prophecies.

RESISTANCE
Resistance is what people experience initially, both within themselves and with
those around them. Resistance is the little knot in the pit of your stomach or the
discouraging voice in the back of your head that warns you against going any further. It
contends you don't know what you're getting into and it recommends leaving things the
way they are. Where does resistance originate? You guessed it, out of Fear. Think back
to a time when you wanted to make a change in your life and you didn't? Why didn’t
you? Did you ever want to quit your job, but didn't? Did you ever want to venture out on
your own, but didn't? Did you ever want to get a divorce, but didn't? I'll tell you why

35
you didn’t--because you were afraid of what might happen. That resistant little voice in
your head whispered (or screamed) what if...

Resistance can also come from those around you who are comfortable with the
way things are. It doesn't necessarily mean they are happy about it, just comfortable.
People become accustomed to how things work, whether it’s at home, the office, or with
friends. We feel safer when there are no surprises, when we know how others are going
to act or react, and what roles each of us play. When one person changes, it throws
everyone else out of whack. It removes people from their comfort/safety zones and
brings in an element of fear, because people no longer know what to expect.

What happens when an individual decides to make a change in his or her life?
Well, many things can happen, but one thing is for sure, there will be resistance. This is
an abstract example, but the point is clear. Imagine a choir all singing the same song.
Suddenly, one member decides to sing a different tune. This change influences,
confuses, and distracts the other members, causing stresses and tension among the group.
To alleviate this tension, fellow choir members will do everything in their power to get
this individual to return to her previous behavior. That is, singing the same song
everyone else is singing. This allows the others to settle into their comfort zones once
again.

Families can place tremendous pressure on those who are not conforming to the
wishes of the household. Roles are also subconsciously attributed to specific members
within a family. The oldest child is normally given the role of caretaker. Of course, there
are always exceptions to the rule. Sometimes, if the oldest child is male and the second
oldest child is female, the female will become the family caretaker. The caretakers role is
to keep the family happy, communicating, or at least together. When a crisis occurs
within the family, the caretaker is called upon to take action. Intense pressure can be
placed on the caretaker to "fix" the problems other family members are having. An
overwhelming feeling of guilt can push a caretaker into rescuing the "family" repeatedly,
whenever there is any trouble. Other family members facilitate this through acting
helpless, unattached, or oblivious to the problems at hand. The comment I hear most
from caretakers or rescuers is, "If I don't do something, no one else will!"

Another family role is that of scapegoat. The youngest child usually begets this
pseudo honor. A scapegoat is the family member who receives blame for all the
problems within the family, or who takes on all the problems. Scapegoats will often
create problems for themselves to maintain a sense of constant chaos within the family.
Many dysfunctional families keep together by actually remaining dysfunctional, and will
often go out of their way to keep it that way. This type of behavior is found often in
families where alcoholism is involved. Family members will go out of their way to make

36
it appear they have the perfect family. A common statement made by scapegoats is,
"Everything’s my fault anyway. I'm the loser in the family!"

Within these dysfunctional roles, family members become accustomed to how

things work and what responsibilities their roles entail. However, let's say that one of
these family members (either the caretaker or the scapegoat) decides to undergo
professional counseling and as a result, begins to abandon his role. This type of change
could send a wave of tension, distress, and discomfort throughout the entire family. If
people are used to you rescuing, enabling, or accepting their problems as your own, and
suddenly you stop doing this, do not be surprised if you are met with resistance, guilt
trips, anger, or even resentment.

If you refuse to keep rescuing someone, he might just have to take responsibility
for his own actions, and some people would rather not do that. Luckily this is not the
norm and in more cases than not, family members are supportive of each other. My point
here is this: Just because you want to change, doesn't necessarily mean anyone else wants
to, or wants you to. How others are impacted depends on how they interpret it. You
have no control over this. Therefore, take it slow and just be honest with those around
you. If they try to guilt trip you back into being your meek or unassertive self, resist and
do not give in. Eventually, they will either give up and change, or it will be time for you
to move on. Either way, things will be better for you than they are right now.

Without a doubt, those around you are going to be shaken up a bit when you stop
devoting all of your time to everyone else’s needs. Just be alert and aware of their
reactions and insecurities. If you want to save yourself some grief, try explaining what is
going on inside of you, especially to your spouse if you are married. Simply tell the
truth. I know this can be the most difficult part, but unless you do this, how can you
expect anyone to understand what you are going through? By sharing your thoughts and
feelings, it eliminates their need to assume what’s going on. If you take it slow and even
encourage his/her own personal growth and inner healing, life can be enjoyed in a way
you never knew existed. If you don't heed these suggestions, you could end up with a
maniacal spouse who thinks you're either divorcing him/her or having an affair.

If you are experiencing severe resistance from family, peers, or co-workers, stand
strong in your power and seek out those who will be supportive of you. If others are
going out of their way to stop you from having a more fulfilling and prosperous life, it's
time to re-evaluate why you are maintaining relationships with these types of people,
even if they are family. Often people will be told that they are acting selfishly. If you are
told this, think to yourself, “you’re damn right I am!” There is absolutely nothing wrong
with being self-ish. You are focusing on yourself and your own needs, wants, and
desires, and there’s nothing wrong with that. When people declare you are being selfish,

37
it is usually they who are being the selfish ones. By going through this somewhat painful
process, you will truly find out who is healthy for you to associate with, and who is not.

FEAR

Fear surfaces under many disguises. I lovingly refer to one such disguise as the
what-if monster. I cannot tell you how many people make themselves utterly miserable
because of these two little words, WHAT IF??? Believe it or not, we create our future by
the choices we make. We also create our own chaos. Ultimately, we have the choice
between being happy and being sad, living a fulfilling and prosperous life or living a sad,
lonely, angry, or fearful life. Though we cannot control the actions and behaviors of
others, we can control our own actions and behaviors.

If you are with someone who neglects, belittles, abuses, or rejects you, it's time to
ask yourself a couple questions. The first question is, "Have I told this person how I feel
when he/she behaves in this manner?" In other words, have you stood up for yourself
and expressed your feelings? If the answer is no, this should be your next step.
Sometimes, just by sticking up for yourself, you can end a negative cycle of hurt, abuse,
or mistreatment. If the answer is yes, you have tried communicating your hurt, and the
mistreatment continues, it's time to ask yourself question number two. "Why am I still
with this person?" Because what if...

WHAT- IF?

“WHAT IF?” These two words will keep you stuck and miserable for as long as
you choose to use them. We've all experienced fleeting moments of worry and panic,
where we obsess about what could happen. However, people who limit these fears or say
what if and do it anyway, are the ones who achieve not only material goals, but more
importantly, emotional, psychological, and spiritual goals including happiness and inner
peace. My personal motto is, "Walk into the fear and embrace it." The fear will subside
and you will only become stronger. Psychologist Susan Jeffers stated that it’s scarier to
continue being afraid than it is to actually face your fear. Once you stand up to your fears
in one area and work through them, they won't be so scary anymore. You take the power
away from the fear and turn it into confidence, motivation, and self-love. This will make
you stronger and help you to face fears in other areas of your life.

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 We really can achieve anything we want, if we simply refuse to get side tracked
by the deception of the what-if monster. You know the people who seem to have it all,
you know--the ones we all love to hate--are no different from you or me. They just put
aside their fears and went for it. You can do this too. I'm not asking you to become
fearless in all respects or to begin engaging in reckless or stupid activities. Fear does
serve as a self-protecting mechanism. The trouble arises when there is an imbalance and
you find yourself more afraid than secure, or when this fear prohibits you from taking
measures that are in your best interests. For example, if you are really sick, but afraid to
go to the doctor, this fear is harmful and negative. If you are in an unhealthy,
unproductive, or unhappy marriage that cannot be salvaged, and you are afraid to leave
because what if, here, too, fear is harmful and negative.

A personal example of facing one's fears and overcoming them comes with this
book you are reading. I could have succumbed to any number of negative or fearful
thoughts while writing this. "Nobody is going to like it. This book is silly and it won't
get published." Yet, I stepped into my fear, wrote the book anyway, and guess what, it
worked out just the way I wanted it to. I'm not any more gifted or special than you are, I
merely chose to go after a goal and refused to be bashed down by my own fearful
insecurities. I beat the what-if monster and you can too!

If you haven't noticed, I place much emphasis on personal responsibility for one's
own actions. I believe the human race is collectively striving for balance both within our
surroundings and ourselves (even though it doesn't always seem like it). Several theories
exist which focus on balance and moderation at physical, emotional, psychological, and
spiritual levels. Eastern medicine has its roots in homeostasis, that it, a balance of energy
within the body. When too much energy is built up, negative symptoms emerge (we get
sick). This negative energy can be released in many different ways (e.g., meditation,
massage, acupuncture, herbs, etc.). At an emotional and/or psychological level, this
negative energy can be recognized as stress, pain, hurt, anger, sadness, and so on. With
any of these, small qualities are normal and healthy. When too much begins to build, we
fall out of balance and problems emerge.
SETUPS

As one begins to delve more deeply into self-awareness and change, “setups”
become more likely to occur. Setups are mind games we play on ourselves, where we
trick ourselves into failing. Basically, we back ourselves into a corner and remove any
and all options from our repertoire except for one, retreat. Setups can be obvious or
elaborate. An obvious behavioral setup is when an individual recovering from
alcoholism hangs out at a local pub. More elaborate setups can be found with people

39
who continually put themselves through fad diets in an attempt to lose weight. The very
concept of going on a major weight loss diet is a setup. Why? Well, what’s the first
thing you do when starting a new diet? Tell yourself all the things you can no longer eat,
right? Have you ever noticed that once you tell yourself you can’t have something, you
want it even more?

Within the setup of telling yourself you can't have something, you create an
intense desire and craving, not to mention an explosion of thoughts regarding how good a
big piece of chocolate would taste. What we do is make this forbidden item something of
a godly pleasure, building it to more than it really is. What follows is a terrible cycle of
wanting, craving, obsessive thinking, idealization, breakdown, guilt, hopelessness, and
helplessness. The same pattern occurs with any and all addictions, whether it’s food,
drink, drugs, sex, cigarettes, or caffeine. Smokers have repeatedly related how they
convinced themselves smoking just one cigarette would be incredible [idealization], so
they smoked one and found it wasn't that good. Then they scratched their heads,
wondering what they were thinking, but by then it’s too late. They’ve gone back to
smoking again.

Breakdown is the act of giving in to your habit. It occurs when too many stressful
events happen concurrently and you are not adequately prepared to deal with it in a
positive manner. The food/cigarette/beer/ becomes a form of stress management; a
deleterious security blanket. Once you have given in to your weakness, your thoughts
immediately lead you into thinking you’ve failed. "I couldn't even do a simple thing like
this" (guilty phase.) What good am I anyway" (shame phase).

Hopeless feelings most often occur if one has tried to stop a certain behavior or
habit many times without success. Eventually this repeat cycle of failing will lead one to
give up all together (helpless phase).

What is the one reason most responsible for this type of negative cycle? Negative
self-talk. It’s the negative thinking which leads to a destructive cycle of negativity. If
you monitor your thoughts in the very beginning, you will find most of what you put
yourself through can be avoided. Here's a tip for anyone who’s trying to break a bad or
unhealthy habit. When you, for example, decide to stop smoking, never say it's forever.
Forever is a very, very long time. Take it one day at a time, or as an ex-smoker once told
me, one hour at a time.

Setups can also occur when you are working very hard at something and you mess
up, make a mistake, or even have a bad day. Do not expect to bat 1000% every day.
Again, you are human and you will make mistakes and have bad days. If you understand
and expect this, these moments or days won't seem so awful. You can think to yourself,

40
"If I didn't have bad days, how would I know when I was having good days." When
things do go wrong, don't say forget it and disregard all your hard work. Why sabotage
all your progress? Instead, when things go wrong, it's your best opportunity to make
enduring changes. Pay attention to what you're saying to yourself under pressure,
challenge any and all negative thoughts, and strive to create more positive thinking,
producing more positive feelings, reactions, and behaviors. If you can learn to do this
when things are going really bad, you will be able to do it at anytime.

BACK-UP PLANS

The key to avoiding setups is to create and prepare options and alternatives for
handling stressful situations. Do not back yourself up into a corner. Instead, empower
yourself through the aid of backup plans for handling stress in any situation. Create plans
A, B, and C. If these plans seem to falter, implement plans D, E, or F. Here is an
example of creating and implementing back-up plans for coping with stressful situations.
If you begin to crave a cigarette, for example, what can you do? Plan A: tune in to what
you’re saying to yourself and challenge any negative or sabotaging self-statements. Plan
B: go for a walk. What if you are at work or driving a car? Plan C: chew a piece of gum
or candy until the urge ceases. Plan D: keep hands busy (e.g., place both hands on
steering wheel; hold pencil in hand like a cigarette). You can also combine your
strategies (e.g., do plan B and C together). If it's still not helping, use plan D. Plan D:
examine the situation to determine what exactly is bringing on the urge to smoke. Plan
E: use self-hypnosis to end the craving and/or desire. Plan F: create plan G, H, and I. By
merely redirecting your focus and attention away from the cigarette and towards other
behaviors, the craving for a cigarette will diminish enough for you to get by without
giving in. Physiological cravings only last a few minutes. The rest comes from the
attention and emphasis you place on the cigarette itself. If you are willing to be honest
with yourself, keep back-up plans at your fingertips, and always allow for other options
to be available to you, setups can and will be avoided.

A major setup is determining how you feel about yourself based on the opinions
of others. When we look to others for compliments, approval, and for our own
happiness, we make ourselves vulnerable and unsteady. If you depend on others for your
own happiness, you will be let down again and again. Instead, you must begin to focus
and rely on the one person who can truly always be there for you when you need him/her.

41
This person is you. Through loving and caring for yourself, your level of self-esteem will
no longer be determined by the whims of another.

Let's take a moment here to practice what we just read regarding back-up plans
for handling stress. I would like you to list five stressful situations in the space provided.
Then list two or three alternatives to handling stress in these situations. Make these
alternatives realistic and pleasing, so that you will be motivated to use them.

Stressful situations
Example: When I'm in a car and traffic is really bad, I get stressed.

1)

2)

3)

Back up plans
Back up plan: When traffic is bad, I slow down, take a couple deep breaths, and play my
favorite relaxing music.

1)

2)

3)

SECONDARY GAINS: WHAT ARE THEY?

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 Sometimes a person will try very hard to make changes in his life, but will always
seem to fall just short of his goals. They muster up enough courage to try again, yet still
seem to falter. These people protest that they’ve tried everything and nothing ever works
out for them. They feel blocked, but don't know why. If you feel blocked or stuck, are
trying to change in some way but have had little success, or have made changes, yet were
unable to maintain them, you may be dealing with secondary gains.

Secondary gains are subconscious agendas, which part of you strives to maintain
at any cost. Our minds continuously make connections between objects to give us a
better understanding of the world. For example, if you touch fire, it burns. Getting
burned hurts. Final connection: fire can hurt you. Not all connections, however, are
conscious or rational. Let's say you can’t seem to stop smoking. A part of you may have
established a connection that smoking is your only form of control in a world where you
feel helpless. The secondary gain is a false sense of control. Individuals literally dying
from cigarettes will continue to smoke until the day they die. When asked why they do
it, they will reply, “ Everything else has been taken from me. They won’t get my
smokes!”

Secondary gains are common among those suffering from obesity. Added weight
can act as a symbolic form of protection, providing safety from harm. Putting on extra
pounds can serve to keep others at a distance, thus protecting oneself from potential hurt,
rejection, or abuse. Excessive weight can serve as a protector against unresolved issues
concerning sexuality. As an adult, the connection is if I were thinner (or more
attractive), people may come on to me (be attracted to me), and that is just too risky,
scary, dangerous, etc. In this example, if a person were to lose all the excess weight,
his/her wall of protection would be down, making him/her vulnerable. Weight can also
serve as a self-inflicted punishment, where extra pounds are symbolic of emotional
baggage, which is carried around as a physical reminder. You may have noticed that I
refer to examples of smoking and weight to illustrate many of my points. That is because
these particular items are common in the United States and the majority of us can relate
to these situations.

One final example of secondary gains is worth mentioning. It occurs with the
chronically sick. Unfortunately, the only time certain people are truly cared for or given
attention is when they are ill. This form of getting attention is usually discovered at an
early age and reinforced throughout adult life. Because the power of such a secondary
gain is immense, people will often keep themselves sick or close to death for years. It is
important to note that when dealing with secondary gains, people are often unaware of
them. The only way to break this vicious cycle is to become aware of what is happening.
By learning how to provide for and take care of yourself, you will not have to depend
upon others for your own happiness and well being.

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 So be careful, for if you find yourself repeatedly doing what you know is the
wrong thing to do, it may just be that you're dealing with some sort of secondary gain.
To find out for sure, I recommend going through the exercise I have provided you in
Chapter Eleven. You may also want to seek out additional help when working through
issues concerning secondary gains. A good therapist or hypnotist can be of great value in
this area.

DENIAL
Next, we have denial. As the expression goes, "Denial is not just a river in
Egypt!" Denial is a semi-conscious defense mechanism in which an individual insists
something is false, when it is true (or vice versa). It is “semi-conscious” because I
believe at some level people are aware of what the "reality" is, they just don't want to face
it. When a person is first told a loved one has passed away, a common response is to not
believe it. Denial serves as a protective measure, aiding the individual by providing time
for adjusting to the situation. It only becomes unhealthy or neurotic when it is carried on
for an extended period of time. Suppose a mother is informed her only son has died in a
war. Her response may be one of disbelief, "There must be some kind of mistake. It just
can't be true!" If she held on to her delusional feelings for a couple days, I wouldn’t
suggest any serious mental illness. If she refuses to believe her son is dead after several
weeks or even months, balance is disrupted and neuroses can develop. Again, defense
mechanisms can serve a healthy purpose. It's only when they go beyond their protective
limits that they become unhealthy or pathological.

Another pattern of denial is seen in those who are repeatedly given or shown
viable options/choices, yet defiantly assert that they are still without choices. The
extreme end of this is learned helplessness, where after struggling to find a way out of
things, one finally gives up, and even if a new way out is discovered, one will not take it,
as though suffocated by helplessness. Have you ever spoken with individuals who
continually complain about the same thing every time you talk? Have you ever given
them good advice with which they agree, but then they return to what they were
complaining about in the first place? Basically, these people are denying themselves of
the truth. Why--because the truth can sometimes hurt really badly. Some figure, "Why
face the pain if you don't necessarily have to?" Others are just plain scared.
Unfortunately, if this type of thinking is maintained, you will remain stuck in an endless
cycle of disappointment and experience more pain than you would have if you’d taken a
chance on changing. If you find yourself in the midst of denial, dare to be honest with
yourself (and/or with your partner). You will find options and alternatives are available to

44
you, and although it may hurt now, in the long run you will feel much better. The short-
term discomfort is worth it.

SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY
Have you ever thought obsessively that something was going to happen and then
it did, just the way you thought it would? Did you ever think maybe you created it, so
that when it happened, you could triumphantly state, "See, I told you so?” There is a
name for such a thing, it's called a self-fulfilling prophecy. Everyday, people will
manifest chaotic situations without even realizing they are doing it. We attract what we
fear most. Have you ever awakened one morning and convinced yourself it was going to
be a rotten day--and then it was? I've seen those who expected to be victimized, abused,
or mistreated actually provoke or manipulate situations so that abuse would occur. If you
bring this to their attention, often they will deny it, feeling more victimized. People who
have fears of abandonment will actually do things to drive their partners away, time and
again. Be careful with what you expect to happen or assume will happen, for you might
be the one responsible for creating your own worst fear.

Chapter Five

45
 Where Do I Go From Here? The Exercises...

Now for the part you’ve been anticipating: Where do you go from here? Thus far,
we have discussed how you may have gotten to where you are now, specific ways of
breaking negative cycles in your life, and the pitfalls, setups, and defenses which will
keep you from making major breakthroughs. In this chapter, you will be led through a
series of exercises that will help you become more accepting, approving, loving, and
appreciative of yourself. These exercises will also help you reveal and identify some of
the deepest and oldest fears and beliefs you hold towards yourself. To assist you with
this endeavor, you will need a tool that will assist you in identifying, clarifying, and
articulating all the thoughts and emotions you will experience. This tool is known as a
journal. *

JOURNALING

Journals are wonderful for venting frustrations and disappointments, for

expressing raw emotions and feelings, for observing negative and positive patterns of
behavior, and for charting personal progress. Beginning a journal is easy to do. Get a
pad of paper, a blank notebook, or a diary. You want to keep all your journal entries
together, so don't use a bunch of loose papers. You may also want to get something with
a lock on it. Certain diaries come with tiny locks to sway potential unwanted readers
from entering. Some people even hide their diaries in secret places. You don't want to
edit what you write in your journal. If you think somebody else may read your "stuff," it
will have an impact on what you write down. Therefore, keep this journal private and
personal. Everyone needs and deserves a little privacy, including you. If you are still
fearful, find a good hiding place and use it. DO NOT allow your fears to keep you from
using this invaluable resource. It will be the confidante you need as we continue along
the path of change.

When you make entries in your journal, do not analyze what you’ve written
down. Just keep writing. Write down whatever comes to mind and review it later. This
serves as a place for you to unleash raw emotion, feelings, and thoughts, to share ideas,
goals, and inspirations, and to express insights, breakthroughs, and frustrations. This is
great practice for articulating and releasing your inner experiences, instead of stuffing
*
For this chapter, you will need a blank notebook or bound paper to serve as a journal.

46
them down or ignoring them. Eventually, you will not have to turn to your journal to do
this, but for now it's a good place to start. Let’s take a minute or two to practice. Using
your private journal, go ahead and write down anything you wish. For example, have
you ever kept a journal before? What are you experiencing this moment? What thoughts
are going through your mind? How are you feeling? Take your time and do this now.
There's no better time than the present.

Good for you! Writing down your thoughts and feelings takes courage and
strength. It will get easier and more beneficial with time. If you decided not to journal,
and simply kept reading, please go back and do so now. I want you to write down what
you are thinking and feeling at this very moment. Include why you didn't begin
practicing. Also, include how you feel about my telling you to go back and do it before
continuing forward. My purpose is not to put you on the spot, it's just very important to
become more aware of what happens inside of you when beginning something new or
different. It will also help you become more aware of your own resistance, and where it
stems from. For example, do you feel angry because I’m instructing you to go back? Do
you feel defiant or guilty? Please, go back and do this now.

I would like you to engage in a similar exercise now. Go back and re-read the
previous chapters in this book (1-4). However, this time record in your journal whatever
thoughts, feelings, and memories come to mind as you read. Again, try not to analyze or
edit anything you write. After you've finished this, you can analyze all you want. Play
detective and search for overlooked connections, potential theories, or misunderstood
negative cycles that have helped to shape the person you’ve become. Record your
thoughts in the journal. Remember, each exercise is equally important and is placed in a
specific order. Even if you don't want to go back (“I gotta keep movin'”) or you feel it's a
waste of time (“it isn't gonna help me any”) please take the chance and do it. When you
look back at this time, you will realize each step was a turning point in your growth and
development. Take the time and do this now. It will mean so much more to you later on.

Mark this page and when you finish going over chapters 1-4 again,
commence reading from this point…

As you continue through these exercises, it is important to go along at your own

speed, making sure to work through each exercise properly and in order. Do not blaze
through these exercises, spending only five or ten minutes with each one. This book was

47
not written with the intent to be quickly skimmed and then forgotten. Take your time
with each exercise, retaining as much value from each one as possible. Only after you
fully invest in each activity should you gradually move on to the next. You may also
want to do these exercises over again in a couple weeks, just to see how far you've
progressed. Each time you repeat an exercise, it will have new meaning for you (and
offer more insights as well). Keep in mind that change occurs slowly and in increments.
There is no time limit placed on this book, so attempting to finish quickly is unnecessary.
You may feel an urgent need to make change happen, yet if you attempt to make change
proceed faster than is possible, you will end up wasting a lot of time and having to start
over again. I know first-hand because of my own personal experiences with trying to go
too fast.

Many years ago, I made the decision to change specific areas of my life. Instead
of having patience with myself by making slow and steady progress, I demanded
immediate change with immediate results. I was willing to do whatever it took, so I
raced through healing exercises, learning techniques, and even different therapies,
jumping quickly from one to another. At last, I finally thought I was ahead of the game.
Then it happened. Life gave me an opportunity to test out my accomplishments, thus
proving how far I had really come. Life loves to do that. It loves to test you. I found
what many people find when they try to go too fast. I wasn't even close to where I
thought I was. Metaphorically, I thought I was already out of the state and I wasn't even
off the front porch yet. Well, you can imagine all the discouraging thoughts and feelings
that followed my unwanted revelation; the negative thoughts and frustrations, feelings of
failure and hopelessness, etc. Of course, life did give me further opportunities to grow, it
loves to do that too, and I chose to take them. Eventually I was able to achieve my goals,
moving gradually to where I wanted to be. I just had to move more slowly, taking time to
fully explore each exercise and activity I engaged in. This is where my healing and
growth took place. It can be the same for you.

I remember vividly at what point I finally realized that growth and change takes
patience and time. I was involved in an experiential therapy group and one day the group
was given an introspective exercise. Of course the exercise didn't make too much sense
to me at the time, and my thoughts were on getting to the really important exercises. An
elephant figurine was placed on a small table in the center of our circle. We were asked
to imagine an elephant in our minds. Then each of us were instructed to share with the
group how we imagined the elephant. Group members imagined various viewpoints and
parts of the elephant (e.g., looking down upon the elephant, seeing only the head or
back). Next, we were instructed to analyze and discuss why we imagined the elephant in
the way we did. For example, if you imagined the shoulders of an elephant, it could
symbolically mean you carry the weight of the world around on your shoulders. (Seems

48
to make sense.) I imagined the elephant on its back with its feet moving rapidly in the
air. How would you interpret this?

My translation was that it doesn't matter how fast you attempt to move. If your
feet are not firmly planted on the ground, you’re not going to go anywhere. Trying to
change too quickly will only leave you feeling as though you are expending all your
energy without making any progress. Instead, you must determine where you were,
where you are now, and where you want to go. Then gradually move forward, taking
baby steps, making sure the ground is secure beneath you before continuing on. How do
you know if the ground is secure? Listen to your gut instinct, your intuition, and your
heart. They will not lie.

Life will also provide you with opportunities to test out your new changes.
Perhaps you're really shy and would like to be more social. The old you would walk into
a room and begin thinking, "Nobody wants to talk to me. They probably wouldn't even
like me." But the present you has been striving to make changes in the way you speak to
yourself. You've been journaling and doing other exercises and you feel more confident.
Then, the minute you really feel change has taken place, you receive an invitation to a
party (coincidences happen like that all the time). You decide to go, to test yourself. One
of two things will usually happen at this point. You may immediately begin thinking
positively about the party, or may end up reverting back to your old, fearful, and critical
way of thinking. When you finally arrive at the party, depending upon your previous
expectations, you may immediately begin degrading yourself (the old patterns kick in),
thus leaving the party feeling defeated and upset. Or, you remain at the party, diligently
challenging any negative self-talk, replacing it with positive and supportive self-talk.
Even if you don't speak to anyone, but vigilantly remain positive in your thinking, you’ve
accomplished a tremendous goal. The next time will get easier and the time after that,
even easier. Pretty soon, you will be the social person you wanted to be. The important
thing is to have patience and take it slowly. If you only practice journaling and positive
self-talk for a couple days and expect to be a social butterfly by the end of the week, you
are in for a huge disappointment. If you tend to find yourself acting in this manner, be on
the lookout for self-fulfilling prophecies and/or setups. If you say or think never, you will
always be right.

SELF-ACCEPTANCE
The key to unlocking true happiness lies within self-acceptance. Self-acceptance
is essential for positive growth and change. Though all of us could find something we’d
like to change about ourselves, accepting and loving yourself for who you are now will

49
bring forth the changes you so desire. People, in general, tend to focus too much on
perceived negative characteristics. As with anything, if you continually look for negative
qualities, you will undoubtedly find them. These negative aspects partly stem from what
renowned psychoanalyst Carl Jung labeled as the Shadow. The shadow (which everyone
possesses) is the darker side of oneself, the aspect of one’s personality that can be
deceptive, ruthless, greedy, aggressive, and unforgiving. Although the shadow can be a
strong component in one’s life, there is a force much greater. This force is our ability to
love, both each other and ourselves. It is from this force that I strongly urge you to draw
strength and courage.

Learning to love and accept yourself will bring you inner peace and happiness.
Accepting yourself for who you are now will inspire and bring forth your own love of
self, which instills self-care and self-worth. As you develop any and all of these aspects,
the power to make your dreams come true will become yours.

THE MIRROR
This exercise, entitled “The Mirror,” will help you to unmask any negative
feelings, beliefs, or fears you hold towards yourself. It will help to release you from the
grips of these fears and irrational beliefs, and will ultimately enhance/increase your
feelings of self-acceptance and self-love. All you need (you guessed it) is a mirror, the
bigger the better. Nervous yet? I was the first time I did this. But it helped many others
and myself as well. It will help you, too.

Through gazing at your reflection in the mirror, you will be able to confront the
very expectations and beliefs that keep you down. In attempting to please others, we
demean and criticize our own unique personality traits. Never feeling good enough about
ourselves, we continue to hide behind masks. Before I continue, allow me to explain
what masks are. The term mask is used to explain and define various roles we play in
different situations. For example, you may wear the mask of parent, spouse, boss, and
friend, acting completely differently in each situation. Also, when people are not secure
within themselves, they will act in a way which they, believe will prompt others to accept
them. In wearing this deceptive mask, we conceal our true identities in fear of losing
approval. Sometimes, we wear so many masks we forget who the person is underneath
the mask. This exercise will help you to peer behind your own mask, finally seeing the
beautiful human being who’s been there all along.

This exercise has four parts to it. In the first part, you will simply stand in front of
a mirror and observe what goes on in your mind. The second part will help you to

50
uncover deep-seated beliefs, attitudes, and/or opinions from others, which you have
internalized as your own. The third part will be to challenge the negative mind chatter,
checking for rationality and validity. Finally, the fourth part will be to fill yourself up
with love and acceptance, making this a dominant part of who you are.

If you would like to intensify the experience, stand in front of a full-length mirror
without clothing. Removing clothes is symbolic of stripping away the layers of defense
mechanisms and removing the many masks you wear from day to day.
(Recommendation: lock the door. It could be quite awkward and embarrassing if
somebody walked in on you!)

If you're shaking your head and saying to yourself No Way to the au natural part,
that's okay. Start slowly. Begin fully clothed and use a hand-held mirror. (Women,
using a compact makeup mirror is cheating.) If this still feels too risky, close your eyes
and imagine looking into a mirror first. Take it gradually, step by step, until you are
ready to advance to a real mirror.

-PART ONE-
Stand in front of a mirror for about five minutes. Look at your reflection and
listen to the thoughts that pop into your mind. Notice if they are condescending, critical,
unfair, or caring and accepting. Notice if your thoughts seem to focus on one aspect or
trait. Do nothing else but listen and observe. Remember as much as possible because
you will be recording it in your journal at the end of this exercise. Take your time and do
this now.

QUESTIONS
[When the five minutes are up, answer the following
questions in your journal.]

1) Did you have a difficult time facing yourself in the mirror?

2) What thoughts entered your mind as you stared at your

reflection?

3) Do you find you don't like yourself as much as you thought?

51
4) Do you find you like yourself more than you expected to?

5) What feelings/emotions did you experience?

6) Did you hear any familiar voices while listening to your

thoughts? Perhaps a demeaning or condescending voice of a
parent, sibling, teacher, or childhood friend?

7) Did you discover any hidden beliefs, attitudes, or expectations

you hold towards yourself?

8) What did this experience mean to you?

-PART TWO-
Next, while looking into the mirror, state the following and then listen closely to
your internal reaction (e.g., thoughts, feelings). Say, "I am a warm, loving, and beautiful
human being."

What comes up? What are the objections to this statement? Where or whom do
they come from? Listen to the tone. What self-statements have you been feeding
yourself over and over that continue to hold you back from achieving what you want in
life? Do these messages stem from the same source or from different sources?

-PART THREE-
After you have figured out where these negative thoughts and attitudes may have
originated, take a deep breath and imagine filling your whole body up with loving,
positive energy. Now look into the mirror confidently and inform those inner voices and
images that you are taking away their power. They no longer have any influence over
you. Next, tell them forcefully to be gone. Imagine them running away, weak and
powerless. What remains is only a strong reminder of how incredibly powerful you
really are. Your strength is invincible when you stand in your power.

-PART FOUR-

52
 Gaze deeply into the eyes of your reflection. Imagine your eyes are the windows
to your soul. Look in and behold the beautiful person that you are. Perhaps inside of you
is a wonderful little girl or boy who is just waiting to emerge and be free. He or she may
be afraid of getting hurt, being rejected, or being abandoned. Tell this child what she/he
needs to hear. Instead of waiting for another person to rescue this child within, you be
the rescuer. Give your inner child permission to rise up and shine. As you do this, raise
your head up high, feel the confidence and courage deep within your soul surge
throughout your veins and make two statements to the person staring back at you in the
mirror.

I accept you (your full name). I love you (your full name).

-FOLLOW UP-
As you continue with this exercise, the last two statements will become more than
mere words. They will become strong, emotional feelings. These feelings will resonate
through you, not as a faint glimmer of hope, but as a solid, trustworthy fact. I accept
myself and I love myself. These seven words will set change into motion faster than
anything else you can do. Say these words even if you don’t believe them right now.
Remember the example about smiling? Do the behavior now, and the feelings will
follow. Have faith, my friend. You will grow into these feelings. How will you know
when you have grown into them? The smile you see in the mirror will tell you and the
warm glow in your heart will affirm it.

I recommend practicing this exercise at least once a week for the next six weeks,
recording all the thoughts and feelings you have before, during, and after the exercise.
This will provide information you can refer back to in order to chart personal growth and
progress in this area. You will also want to increase the amount of time you stand in
front of the mirror. The first time you did this exercise, you were supposed to stand in
front of the mirror for five minutes (but you probably wanted to get out of the mirror
sooner than that). As you begin to feel more relaxed and at ease with yourself, you can
set new goals. Set a timer for ten minutes the following week. Fifteen minutes the week
after that and so on. If you are standing in front of the mirror for over fifteen minutes
merely gazing into the mirror and listening to the thoughts which run through your mind,
you will discover invaluable information about yourself. This information will help to
change your life for the better, as long as you use it wisely and lovingly.

53
 From this exercise, you will also begin to notice gradual changes in how you view
and perceive yourself. You will realize there is a very special and unique person in the
mirror staring back at you. In fact, there is only one person exactly like you in the whole
universe. The next time you start being mean or critical with yourself, stop and think of
how important and special you really are. (This is probably terrible timing, but I have to
share with you this bumper sticker I saw, just because it's so funny. It read “You are
unique and special, just like everyone else.” Gee, we humans can't get a break. ☺)

POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS
The next exercise will be a little easier. I'd like you to generate a positive
affirmation list. Write down a few of the positive qualities and attributes that you
possess. Everyone can find something they don't like about themselves, but the trick is to
start focusing on the things that you do like. Place emphasis on the positive and away
from the negative. At first, you may only think of a couple positive attributes. If only
one comes to mind, great! It's a start. If you cannot think of any (refer back to the
chapter on denial), ask a good friend or close family member for some help. Do not go to
somebody who isn’t going to have anything nice to say (refer back to the chapter on
setups). Write your positive attributes down in the space provided. Also, make a
duplicate copy of this list and carry it around with you. Fold it up and put it in your back
pocket or in your purse, so that you will always have a constant and ready reminder of
who you are and what makes you special.

Examples of positive attributes/affirmations are as follows: I am a nice person. I

am good with my plants and flowers. I take care of people very well. I smell good. I am
intelligent. I am funny. Some of you will just copy down what I wrote and if it applies to
you, fantastic. However, it is really important to come up with your own affirmations.

This is a good technique for achieving goals in your life as well. Write down all
the goals and accomplishments you want to bring into your life. Carry this list around
with you as a reminder of what you want to focus your energy and efforts on. In this
way, you cannot forget what you want, because it will be right there with you on paper.
This also puts the intent out there into the universe, creating and bringing abundance and
energy into your life. If you are into energy, metaphysics, and/or Celestine Prophecy
stuff, you know what I mean. If not, that's okay. Just keep your positive affirmation list
and (if you decide to do this) your goals list with you to stay on course. I have provided
you with the first three affirmations...

54
 Positive Affirmations List
1. My values are just as good and important as anyone
else's.

2. My opinions are just as worthy and valuable as others are.

3. I don't have to be perfect. I just have to be me.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

Now that your positive affirmation list has been created, I would like you to begin
reading your list out loud every morning. Eventually, I want you to incorporate this with
the mirror exercise, where you are reading these positive affirmations to yourself in the

55
mirror. (Being naked is optional ☺). Look directly into your eyes as you read the list
and imagine filling your heart and soul with love, acceptance, and appreciation. Doing
this will help you in so many ways. For one thing, when people are told something over
and over, they begin to believe it. Often, this happens to people in a negative context. As
children, we are sent messages (intentionally or not) that we are inferior, incapable,
dumb, or incorrigible. After receiving messages like this repeatedly over a period of
time, one begins to internalize these messages, thus feeling and behaving accordingly.
Well, this can be done with positive messages too. Once you begin positively affirming
yourself on a regular basis, you will start to believe and internalize these messages too!
The only person powerful enough to keep you from believing is you. Be careful not to
sabotage your own efforts by allowing negative statements to creep in at crucial
moments. Example: do not read out a positive affirmation (e.g., I am a giving person)
and then complete it with a negative thought (e.g., I am a giving person. Well, not really.
I could give more.)

Doing this exercise will also help you to feel more comfortable receiving
compliments. If you feel comfortable receiving compliments from yourself, eventually
you will more readily accept compliments from others (and even believe them.) You
know what I mean if you are the type of person who hears a compliment and then
dismisses it as someone "being courteous." Wow, I love your dress. This old/ugly thing,
it's nothing special. Then the negative cheerleader starts cheering, "They’re just saying
that to be nice. They don't really mean it." Sound familiar?

I also want you to add at least one positive affirmation about yourself to the list
each day. Your list should grow larger as the weeks go by. I've had clients tell me when
they started thinking negative thoughts, they repeated their positive affirmations out loud
(or in their head) over and over until the negative thoughts gave way. I think this is a
great idea. Again, focus on the positive and move away from the negative. One of the
reasons this works so well is because you are not simply trying to stop negative thinking,
you are also replacing it with positive thinking. This plays a vital role in the process. If
you merely stop doing one negative habit without replacing it with a positive habit,
another negative habit will appear.

Build this list up as large as you can and utilize it until you really notice a
difference in your self-talk. Continue with this for at least one month. If you try this for
a month and you don't notice a difference, it's time to go back and investigate whether
there are any secondary gains involved or self-defeating setups. You should also be able
to look back through your journal to observe any potential patterns or negative cycles that
may be conflicting with your progress. For the most part, people do notice positive
changes and feelings as a result of using positive affirmations or self-esteem lists. Again,

56
keep this list with you as a protective backup in case you have one of those “bad” days
and you need some encouragement.

SELF-APPRECIATION
The next exercise is geared towards increasing self-appreciation while
simultaneously enhancing personal feelings towards oneself. Read the following
directions first, then go back and do the exercise. Afterwards, write down what
transpired in your journal.

Instructions: Pretend you’ve been given a job that entails describing yourself
through the eyes of someone who loves you. The first thing you will need to do is write
down all the wonderful and loving qualities you possess. Write down as many as
possible.

1)

2)

3)

4)

5)

6)

7)

8)

9)

57
 Now close your eyes and imagine someone sitting down in a chair opposite you.
Imagine this person loves you very much, has been there for you in the past, or is
someone whom you’ve been there for when they needed you. This person can be a
friend, colleague, parent, sibling, favorite aunt, or even a grandparent. Pretend you are
able to float out of your body and enter the body of this person opposite you. In doing so,
you are able to feel the love, acceptance, and appreciation this person feels towards you.
You are also able to hear the positive thoughts and words they use to describe you. Use
this time to listen and feel the love and appreciation this person holds for you. Take your
time and do this now.

Wonderful, now take these warm, loving thoughts and feelings with you as you
float back into your own body. Go ahead and write down all the positive words, phrases,
and feelings this special person used to describe you. As you do so, keep the warm,
loving feelings flowing through your body and enjoy the pleasant thoughts and sensations
of this experience. Make sure to record the thoughts and feelings experienced here in
your journal as well.

The degree of difficulty you had doing this exercise should clue you in as to how
you are currently feeling about yourself (as if you didn't already know). If you are
suffering from depression or low self-esteem, it was probably difficult for you to come up
with any (or very few) positive qualities about yourself. You may have also found it hard
to imagine anyone else thinking positively about you. However, most people have
known at least one special person in their lives who has cared for, nurtured, or even
comforted them, even when nobody else did. It is this person you should imagine sitting
in the chair opposite you. If you are still having trouble thinking of someone, think back
to a time when you did something nice for someone else. Now imagine how grateful or
appreciative they were of you. Imagine that you made them feel really good, special, or
important inside. They probably thought very kindly of you. Take this kindness that
they felt and let it be known to you. With this in mind, go back and do the exercise over,
ever increasing the pleasant feelings and thoughts. Also, continue to add any and all
positive thoughts and self-statements to your positive affirmation list. Even if you are
having trouble believing what is being said or felt, go with it anyway. One day, you will
believe.

Please make sure you are taking the time to process and fully digest the previous
exercises before jumping on to the next. This is an important process you’re going
through and you are absolutely worth the time, effort, and patience that it takes. I can
only hope you are as proud of yourself as I am of you!

58
 KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT
AND THEN GETTING IT
When you decide to make changes in your life, it’s important to know two things:
1) where you’re at now and 2) where you want to be. The following exercise will help
clarify what it is you’d like to do with and for yourself, and how you hold yourself back
from doing it.

I've often wondered what it would be like to be someone else. Who would I be?
What would I do? How would I act? Fantasizing about being your favorite singer,
athlete, or artist can be entertaining to say the least. It can also be an enlightening
process if you know what to look for. For example, when you imagine being someone
else, focus in on what this individual does for a living and how he/she acts toward others
and towards him or herself. How would their life be different from yours? What do they
do that you don't? Do they treat themselves differently than you treat yourself?

You can also discover the exact statements you make to yourself, which keep you
from fulfilling some of these dreams or fantasies. I always use to tell myself that I had no
musical talent whatsoever. I don't ever recall trying to play an instrument. I never took
music lessons of any type. I don't even know where I came up with that particular belief.
The only thing that even remotely comes to mind is the brief moment in time when I
banged on the keys of a piano. "I didn’t start playing like Mozart, so I must not be
naturally talented." But then I started asking myself, "How many people do I know who
can just sit down and start playing a piano with as much experience as I have? Not
many."

Because of this internal challenging of dialogue, I decided to try out an instrument

first and then decide if there was any hope for me (musically). It was kind of funny and
scary at the same time to think that I had totally discounted myself based on nothing, with
no facts or reinforcing experiences or anything. The only thing that ever kept me from
attempting to be musical was myself. Ironically, as soon as I opened up to a new
possibility, life provided me with an opportunity. The next day my father-in-law
happened to purchase a harmonica and a teaching tape, tinkered with it, and then gave it
to me. (He had no idea of my decision.) I've been practicing ever since. I'm not the best
in the world, but I am very happy with my new musical talent.

TO BE ANOTHER

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 Here's your opportunity to open up to a whole new world of possibilities. I want
you to imagine being three different people. Who would they be, how would they live,
and what would they do? Write down your ideas below.

Person #1:

Person #2:

Person #3:

Answer the following questions:

1) What do these people do that's different from what you do?

2) If I were to tell you that you could do some of these things, what
objections might come to mind?

3) How could you challenge these objections?

4) What's the first new thing you are going to try?

WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?

Now try this. Write down a list of all the things that you would like to change in
your life. Start with one small item and change it to what you would like it to be. When
this is accomplished, continue on to the next item on your list. Proceed with this until
your list is complete. Of course, my list will probably never be complete. I always seem
to find other areas upon which I would like to improve. This seems to be the case for
everyone who seeks are fuller, more enriching life experience. But for now, this is where
you begin.

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Things I would like to change in my life.

1)

2)

3)

4)

5)

6)

CREATING YOUR NEW LIFE

The prior exercise helped you to articulate a few of the things you would like to
pursue in your life. This exercise will help you make these things happen. When
pursuing a goal, the key is to provide your mind with a picture or image of what you want
to achieve. If you no longer wish to be afraid of dogs, imagine yourself being relaxed
and comfortable around dogs. This teaches your mind and body how to react in the
presence of a doggie. You first feed your mind a blueprint of what you want to happen,
then the mind programs the body to experience a more relaxed, conditioned response
when in the company of a dog. After feeling comfortable around dogs a couple times, the
fear no longer seems necessary and it dissipates. You have positively conditioned
yourself to feel okay around dogs, achieving your end result or goal. Being afraid of
dogs was initially a negatively conditioned response reinforced by fear. You are merely
reversing the process.

YOUR FUTURE SELF

This exercise will help you envision yourself being the way you want to be, feel,
or think. We will label this as your future self and define it as the goal behavior. It’s
important to imagine yourself as already being this person you want to be, doing the

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things you want to do. If it's always you wanting to do things in the future, that future
will never come.

Let's begin. Read the instructions first, then either close your eyes and imagine
the scenario, tape record the brief meditation and then play it back to yourself, or have a
friend read the mediation to you. Whichever method you prefer is fine.

Pretend or imagine you are watching a giant television screen and there is a movie
playing entitled, "You in the future." As you view this picture, imagine the star of
the film is the future you: your future self. Visualize your future self, behaving in
the way you most want to behave. Listen to how positively and confidently your
future self speaks to him/herself. Feel the emotions and feelings your future self
experiences, as a result of the positive self-talk.

Now imagine the future you doing what you most want to do with your life,
feeling the way you most want to feel, and thinking in a way you most want to
think. Close your eyes and imagine this as vividly as possible. Take your time
and do this now. (Pause 2-3 minutes.)

Good. Now I want you to imagine stepping into the movie and standing face to
face with your future self. Observe the high level of confidence, ability, and
energy this person in front of you emits. Notice how being next to this person
feels so good and so right. You may even want to listen for any advice this future
self has to offer you. Perhaps he has a few words of wisdom, which will make
your journey (and life) a little easier. Take your time and do this now. (Pause 3
minutes.)

Excellent. Now I want you to imagine stepping into this future self and becoming
this person. Become the true you, the real you. Feel and experience how the
future you would have handled various situations. Listen to the confident,
reassuring thoughts and phrases that now go through your mind. Know what it
would be like to be in touch with pure confidence, love, self-care, and self-
acceptance. Do this now. (Pause 2 minutes.)

When you are finished, slowly open your eyes and feel wide awake, alert, and
refreshed.

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 What was once a faint hope is now a wonderful reality. You have taken the steps
towards fulfilling your own wants, needs, and desires. You are now this future self. This
future self is now the present you. When you are finished imagining this, spend the rest
of the day behaving as the new you would. Whatever the future self would have done in
certain situations, you now do as well. Notice how much differently you now allow
yourself to think and feel, how you are much more positive, loving, and empowered you
are. You are no longer afraid or burdened by unnecessary guilt or worry and not
controlled by the What If Monster. As you continue to do this, pretending will no longer
be necessary. This will become a part of you, if you want it to be. (It’s interesting.
Sometimes we think we really want something bad but when we get it, it’s not that big of
a deal.) When you practice the imagery, incorporate as much detail as possible. When
you pretend to be the new you, jump right into it. Some things you take slowly. Some
you jump into. This is a good place to jump.

Shoot for the moon. If you miss, at least you will be among the stars.

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 Chapter six

The Gift of Self Hypnosis

After all those exercises, I figured you might need a break. Therefore, I have
decided to switch gears a bit and teach you a little bit about hypnosis. Hypnosis is one of
the best tools I've seen for making changes in one's life. It has existed for centuries, yet
was not labeled hypnosis until the year 1840, by an American doctor named James Braid.
The word hypnosis stems from the Greek word "hypnos," which means "to sleep." This
is not an accurate description of hypnosis, since at no time is the hypnotized person
sleeping. The term caught on and it was too late to change it.

Hypnosis is a powerful tool that allows one to bypass his or her critical thinking
faculties (the skeptical, fearful part of your mind: your negative cheerleader),
communicating directly with the subconscious mind. Through teaching an individual to
selectively focus his or her attention on a specific task, one is able to engage more fully in
right brain (e.g., intuitive, emotional, creative) functioning, and move away from the left
brain (e.g., intellectual, analyzing, rational). It can even be possible to tap into the rich
resources of one's memory bank. People are able to consciously recall stored memories
and information, access unconscious irrational beliefs and attitudes, and understand
unconscious connections/reasons for their behavior. Of course, some argue that people
do not actually recall the past as it really happened, but the emotional and subjective
interpretation of what took place. That’s fine with me. That's what we are really looking
for anyway. The interpretation is the key.

Although I know from past experience how effective hypnosis can be, I feel
compelled to mention that certain people would disagree with both my explanations of
what hypnosis is, and its effectiveness. A few people dismiss it as "a bunch of parlor
games," while others believe it’s the work of the devil. This is simply not the case. I
realize TV talk shows and stage hypnotism have made hypnosis look like some type of
mind control, which tacks a stigma of fear to the word. Hypnosis is not some special feat
of mind control or a form of evil. It is a natural state that we humans slip in and out of
everyday, more than we realize. How often do you seem to drift off into la la land,
thinking about any but what you’re supposed to be doing? I often use daydreaming as an
example of light hypnosis. By letting go of everything around you and just focusing on

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whatever imagery your mind conjures up, you enter into a hypnotic trance/state. When
was the last time somebody could control you while you were daydreaming? Is
daydreaming the work of the devil? Of course not. But what people don’t understand,
they fear. Just look back through history and you will see what can happen when we
operate out of fear.

Too many will not utilize hypnosis as an alternative or complementary treatment

simply because of fear or lack of knowledge (which causes the fear). I specifically wrote
this book so that I could include some hypnotic techniques and exercises. In this way,
you will become familiarized with what hypnosis is and is not. As you read on, you will
discover that hypnosis is a very safe and helpful therapeutic tool, and I sincerely hope
you will try it out for yourself. Believe me, if I didn't think it would help you I wouldn't
have spent the last ten years researching and practicing it, nor would I have included it in
this text.

Hypnosis has been described as an altered state of consciousness. I would accept

this with the clarification that we enter into this "altered state" quite often throughout our
lives. As stated before, if you have daydreamed or "spaced out," you have entered a type
of altered state. (Kids go into these altered states throughout their high school careers.)
You were fully conscious and aware, but at the same time you were, shall I say,
somewhere else. A part of you was monitoring what was going on around you, while
simultaneously another part of you was either in deep thought or off in fantasy land. This
altered state phenomenon has been demonstrated quite effectively in what I lovingly refer
to as "TV hypnosis." It happens most often with the male species. Just try to carry on a
conversation with a man while the television's on... I have tried many times to fight this,
but I always succumb to what is on TV. No matter what the show, Stacey, my romantic
life partner, can be talking to me for 20 minutes and I will not hear a word she says.
Until I get hit in the head with a 100 mile-an-hour couch pillow. ☺

The same is true when using hypnosis for insight or behavior modification. While
entering a deeply relaxed state, a part of you makes sure everything is safe and secure.
This allows for another part of you to focus on imagery exercises and/or selective
thinking processes. Selective thinking occurs when one chooses to center his full
attention around one specific thought or feeling, making this thought or feeling part of
who he is. Here is an example. Read the directions and then try this selective thinking
exercise.

Close your eyes and pretend all the muscles around your eyes are so relaxed and
heavy that you can no longer open your eyes, no matter how hard you try! After

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 you test your eyes and find that they remained closed, count to three and then
open your eyes feeling rested and alert. Close your eyes and imagine or pretend
you cannot open them now...

If you allowed this to happen, you successfully achieved selective thinking. You focused
your mind around the thought that you could not open your eyes. Then you made it
become your reality. If this exercise did not work for you (your eyes opened
immediately), some control issues were probably at work. You wanted to make sure you
could open your eyes, and so you did. Conversely, you may have told yourself it would
not work, and of course, it didn't. This is also selective thinking. Why don’t you go back
and try it again, but this time relax your defenses and simply pretend you can’t open your
eyes for 5 seconds. I bet it will work for you this time.
Every once in a while, when using hypnosis with someone for the first time, the
client will allow herself to relax for about five minutes and then suddenly one eye will
pop open and scan the room. What she is doing is making sure she is safe. She is also
making sure that she can open her eyes whenever she wants to, reaffirming her sense of
control. Of course, I think sometimes they are making sure I'm not jumping up and down
or getting into their purses either! ☺ Once fears are eliminated, a much deeper level of
relaxation and focus can be obtained.

Here are some questions I am frequently asked about hypnosis and my

responses to them.

Who is in control? You are. The client has about 95% of the control. The
hypnotist has 5% control. The client is hypnotizing himself, while the hypnotist is
providing the instructions and suggestions. Because the client is in full control, he is able
to put himself under hypnosis, bring himself out of hypnosis, and go as deeply relaxed as
he chooses.

Will I go into a dream state or blank out and not know what is happening?
No. You will be fully aware of everything around you. In fact, you will become more
aware of sounds, feelings, and sensations in this state. If you were to close your eyes
right now and just listen, this simulates hypnosis, but you would probably feel more
relaxed under hypnosis.

Is hypnosis like a truth serum where all your deepest, darkest secrets come
pouring out? No, because the client remains fully aware and in control of the situation.

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If she decides not to reveal certain information, it will be her choice. People can lie
under hypnosis if they so desire.

What is the difference between hypnosis and meditation? This is a tricky

question. I believe the main difference between the two is in the intent. With meditation,
the goal is to quiet the mind. Inner peace and relaxation are achieved through focusing
on a mantra, sound, or on the breathing. The purpose is to remain in the present, still and
observant. With hypnosis, the intent is to supply positive suggestions to the subconscious
mind for the obtainment of a selected behavior or goal. It is also used to make or break a
negative pattern/connection in one's life. Although relaxation is usually enhanced, it is
not necessary.

What happens if I don't come out of it? There has never been a reported case
in which somebody did not open up their eyes and "come out of it," although subjects can
at times be difficult to arouse. This is either because the person has fallen asleep (which
is most common), or the individual is so relaxed and peaceful, he chooses to remain in
this peaceful, relaxed state until he decides to bring himself out.

Do the American Medical Association and the American Psychological

Association view hypnosis as an approved method of treatment? Yes. In fact, they
have taken it to the next level. Several states are now passing laws that require
individuals to be certified through the state to be able to practice hypnotherapy. This
further proves the reliability and validity of hypnosis.

Words are meaningful, but experiences are deeper and more real. In the
succeeding chapter(s), I have included hypnotic scripts and exercises, which you can use
over and over in the comfort of your own home. Simply follow my instructions and you,
too, can enhance feelings of relaxation, peace, balance, energy, love, acceptance, and
self-appreciation. I sound like I work for one of those home shopping networks. And you,
too, can feel happy for only 4 easy installments of $29.95! I'll even throw in this
beautiful 14K toaster cover if you order now.” ☺

Chapter Seven

Self-Hypnosis for Relaxation, Energy,

and Balance

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 People are always on the lookout for new ways to bring relaxation into their lives.
Of all the relaxation meditations I've used, the following is most affirmed and enjoyed. It
is entitled The Beach. “The Beach” will provide you with a sense of peace and relaxation
through releasing bottled/stored up negative energy (e.g., stress, muscle tension, negative
thoughts, worries, or fears). We've all stored up negative energy at one time or another.
Physically, stress expresses itself as shoulder or neck stiffness, lower back pain,
headaches, hypertension, ulcers, etc. Mentally, stress expresses itself as anxiety,
restlessness, irritability, insomnia, and depression. Sometimes we become so adapted to
all the stress in our daily lives, that we do not recognize it as such. We tend to chalk it up
as just another one of those days. If you allow stress and negative energy to build up
inside, harmful consequences, both mentally and physically, can result.

To get the most out of this meditation, I recommend recording this script on an
audiocassette. Read the script out loud into a tape recorder and then sit back and listen to
your recording. If you don’t like the sound of your voice on tape--many people don’t--
then have a friend do it for you. In this way, you can just relax and listen to the tape
whenever you feel the need. You could also take turns reading it back and forth with a
friend or loved one. It's a great meditation for someone who’s having trouble falling
asleep, who needs to calm down and relax, or for anyone who just wants a peaceful
experience. It works great with the kids, too. Teaching children how to relax is good for
both you and them.

Listen to your tape or read the script to yourself whenever you need to relax, but
never listen to your tape while driving a car or operating machinery. This meditation
will relax you, so you will want to place your full attention on doing just that. Simply
follow the instructions and enjoy this wonderful source of peace and relaxation.

THE BEACH
Close your eyes and slowly take a deep breath. Breathe in deeply from your
diaphragm. Now slowly let it out. (Pause five seconds.) You may breathe in
through your nose and breathe out through your mouth. (Pause five seconds.)
Great. Now again, breathe in slowly through your nose and exhale slowly from
your mouth. (Pause five seconds.) As you bring your full attention to your
breathing, notice only cool, refreshing air entering your body as you inhale, and
warm, stale air leaving your body as you exhale. This will happen every time you

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 breathe in and out. Cool air enters your body and warm air exits. You can
pretend the cool air entering your body is positive, healthy, loving energy. The
warm air leaving your body is negative energy. Negative energy is stress, muscle
tension, negative thoughts, worries, and even fears.

Now on the next breath, I want you to breathe in deeply and then hold it for a few
seconds, gathering up all the negative energy and then exhaling quickly all at
once. (Pause five seconds.) Great. Notice how good you feel and how relaxed
you feel already just from a few deep breaths. Now whenever you are feeling
stressed or nervous, you can simply take a few deep breaths and know everything
will work out just fine. You will feel more relaxed and more in control with
every comfortable breath you take.

As you breathe gently and easily, resting comfortably on the bed, chair, or floor,
pretend that you are going to take an imaginary trip to the most beautiful, relaxing
beach you have ever seen. Pretend for now that you are leaving your physical
body behind to recharge and heal. Imagine that a beautiful, protective white light
surrounds your physical body and this light keeps you safe and secure while on
your journey. With your creative imagination, pretend you are lifting up off the
floor, floating gently up through the ceiling, up into the clouds as you whisk away
towards the beautiful beach. (Pause for about 5 seconds.)

Notice how good you feel and how relaxed you feel as you move smoothly and
gently up through the clouds, feeling the air rush past you. As you look down,
you may even notice a floor of puffy white clouds beneath your feet. You now
begin to gently and easily float down through the clouds, descending towards a
magnificent sandy beach. As you touch down upon the sand, incorporate all of
your senses. Imagine as vividly as possible all the smells, sights, tastes, sounds,
and feelings you experience in this magical place. What do you feel? Can you
feel the warm sun on your skin or the wet sand beneath your feet? (Pause 5
seconds.) What do you hear? Can you hear the waves crashing against the shore,
or the squeal of a distant seagull? (Pause five seconds.) What do you smell? Can
you smell any flowers or the faint smell of sun block or suntan lotion? (Pause
five seconds.) What do you taste? If you are by the ocean, can you taste the salt
in the water? (Pause five seconds) Finally, what do you see? As you look up
into the sky, perhaps you visualize a clear blue sky with a few white, grey-ish
clouds up there like fluffy cotton balls.

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 When you look at the sun, notice a beautiful ray of sunshine coming down
towards you. As you continue to watch, the beam of light comes down around
you and bathes you in a warm, protective, loving light. This energy fills you up
with feelings of safety, security, and relaxation. As you absorb these wonderful
feelings into your mind, body, and soul, a circular motion of massaging energy
begins to work down over the top of your head, massaging your body from head
to toe. Imagine this energy massaging all the muscles in your scalp as the energy
runs down the back of your head and down into your neck. While the energy
massages all the muscles in your neck, allow your head to feel very heavy, like a
ten-pound bowling ball resting on a comfortable cushion or pillow. Now the
energy moves down over the front of your face and down into the front of your
neck and shoulders. Imagine all the muscles of your face becoming completely
relaxed: your forehead muscle, your eyes muscles, your cheek and jaw muscles.
Even your ears feel more relaxed. As this energy flows into your shoulders, you
can imagine a thousand tiny fingers massaging and caressing each and every
muscle fiber in your shoulders, so that your shoulders are so relaxed they just
slump over. Your shoulder muscles are loose and limp. Loose and limp like
unstretched rubber bands. As this energy runs down your shoulders, it enters into
your arms and biceps, flowing into your elbows, forearms, wrists, hands, and right
down into your fingertips. Feel the warm blood carrying lots of healthy nutrients
and vitamins down into your hands and fingertips, as your arms become heavy,
relaxed, and comfortable.

Now the energy moves down into your chest and upper back, relaxing all the
muscles in these areas. As the massaging currents of energy pulsate down into
your abdomen and lower back, you feel a deep release of muscle tension, which
has been stored deep within your lower back and stomach. Now, with every
breath you take, fill up these areas with positive, clean, healthy, and loving
energy, which creates a feeling of balance, peace, and harmony.

Finally, the energy begins to travel down through your hips and buttocks, pouring
down into your upper and lower legs, down into your ankles, feet, and down into
each and every toe. Both your arms and legs feel extremely relaxed and heavy, as
though they were waterlogged tree trunks floating around in a lazy river. Heavy,
peaceful, relaxed. Feel this total physical, mental, and spiritual relaxation flow
throughout your body, mind, and spirit. (Pause for about ten seconds.)

At this time, go ahead and take a slow, deep breath, pulling all this wonderful
light, love, and motivating energy into your body. This will provide you with

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 inner healing, strength, determination, and the confidence you will need to
continue with your journey. Now imagine this powerful, yet loving energy
spreading throughout your body, moving in a thousand different directions.
Notice how wonderful you feel as this healing energy moves through each and
every muscle, tissue, organ, and cell of your body. Now allow yourself to enjoy
this peaceful feeling for a few moments, basking in the rays of love and light.
(Wait about 2 minutes.)

Take this love, energy, and relaxation with you as you float back up into the
clouds, moving effortlessly back to where you first began. As you descend, settle
back into your physical body feeling absolutely refreshed, recharged, recuperated,
and at peace. (Pause five seconds.) I will now count from one to five and you
will slowly open your eyes and become fully alert and awake by the time I say
five. You will feel wonderful and refreshed in each and every way. (Count
slowly.) One--two---three---four----and five. Eyes open, wide awake and alert.
Feeling wonderful and refreshed in each and every way.

What you just did was a form of relaxation, meditation, guided imagery, and self-
hypnosis all wrapped into one pleasant package. From now on, when you do any of the
visualization exercises, please incorporate the following. Beginning with the next
exercise, close your eyes and take three deep breaths. Imagine there is a brightly colored
balloon in your stomach and every time you inhale, you blow up the balloon. When you
exhale, the balloon deflates. This will help you to breathe in from your diaphragm,
pulling more oxygen into your lungs. A physiological relaxation will automatically kick
in, allowing you to focus more on your imagery and less on everything else. After a few
deep breaths, allow your breathing to return to normal and imagine yourself at the beach,
where your body is completely relaxed and at ease. From there, begin your selected
exercise.

Bringing yourself to a state of peace and balance prior to doing the imagery
exercises will help you to get more out of them. Positive suggestions are more powerful,
hidden insights will become more clear, and new behaviors will be engrained. Your
ability to use imagery will be enhanced and it will also feel safe enough for you to let go
and explore the deepest recesses of your mind. When the mind and body become quiet,
internal dialogue becomes easier to hear, as do reasons for why you behave or feel the
way you do. Our unconscious defense mechanisms also seem to give way a bit when we
go into a more focused and tranquil state of being. Perhaps this is because we become
more connected to our inner wisdom and this inner wisdom truly knows what is in our
best interests, and what is not.

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 Chapter Eight

More Tools for Peace and Relaxation

Because stress is so abundant in our lives, I have provided you with a wide variety
of stress management tools and techniques, which will help to alleviate stress, tension,
and negative energy in your life. In addition to self-hypnosis, I will discuss different
forms of meditation, the Relaxation Response, walking, exercising for fun, pseudo
swearing, the silent scream, and the burial ceremony. Adding these tools to your
repertoire will greatly enhance your ability to handle life's little surprises, while
remaining calm, cool, and collected.

When using self-hypnosis, individuals can help themselves in any number of

areas. Self-hypnosis is great for relaxation and stress management. It can also be a
wonderful tool for pain management, increasing energy and motivation levels, and for
overcoming fears and worries. Any time you feel stressed, angry, worried, or scared,
simply close your eyes and imagine floating away to a wonderful, safe, happy place.
This place can be a beautiful beach, the top of a snow-capped mountain, a tropical
garden, or the favorite room in your home. Through doing this, you release yourself from
the grips of emotional overload, whether it be from stress, negative thinking, or excessive
worrying. With practice, it will take only a couple minutes to calm down completely,
letting go of any and all negative energy. As with anything else, the more you practice,
the better you will get at it. The payoff is worth all the effort you invest.

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 Relaxation alone can enhance many aspects of your health and healing. Many
will insist they don't have time to spare (or waste) sitting down to relax--as if this were a
bad thing. However, if you take an appropriate amount of time out for yourself, you'll
end up being more productive than you would have been, and you'll feel more energized
and refreshed at the end of the day.
MEDITATION
I've only briefly discussed the benefits of meditation, so I'd like to cover it in a bit
more detail. Meditation is an excellent form of stress management and relaxation. You
don't have to be a Buddhist monk to meditate, but it does require some patience. Since
most Westerners are not accustomed to quieting the mind and body through meditation,
we find it increasingly difficult to even sit still for any length of time. We also have a
hard time quieting down all the mind chatter that's constantly going on in our heads.
Even as you read this book, have you found yourself drifting off and having to go back
and re-read certain parts?

There are various forms of meditation, and I suggest you try a couple of them to
see which one suits you best. The three forms of meditation I offer you are guided,
breathing, and mantra. You have already experienced the first form, guided meditation,
in Chapter Seven (the beach). One of the reasons guided meditations are so powerful is
because of their broad range of usefulness. They can be used to help you feel happy,
relaxed, and stress free. You can imagine speaking with your inner child (which we will
be doing in Chapter Ten), your inner wisdom/guide/strength, God, or anything else that
will help you to generate personal insight and awareness. You can also use it to help
manifest outcomes and goals. Through visualizing how you want to think, feel, and
respond to different situations, you actually create the opportunity to carry on as such.
Remember, almost everything that has ever happened in your life is the sum of your
choices. Choices and decisions were continuously being made by you--whether they
were conscious or not--and these same choices will continue to be made by you. My
hopes are that you simply become more aware and conscious when making similar
decisions the next time they arise.

Through imagining yourself as the way you want to be, you are providing your
mind with a blueprint it can follow. If you think of yourself as shy, unintelligent,
unattractive, etc., this is what you feed to your mind, and this is what you will be. Make
sense? So, change the blueprint. Change the rules for yourself and create the person you
want to be. It doesn't matter anymore what has happened in your past, what your parents
did, or how your spouse treats you now. You can't do anything about the past, except
learn from it. You can’t change anyone around you, but you can change your future by
making the right choices in the present. Many people will chose to continue making up
excuses and blaming others for what happens to them. This is a choice but such things

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won't ever change the situation. You must step into your power and if you want things to
change, you must change them. Begin with the smallest of choices and build from there.
You will be amazed at how the littlest decisions and changes can begin to strengthen your
self-esteem and self-confidence. Try it out and see for yourself. Ah yes, your first
opportunity to make a new, healthy, and loving choice/decision.

The other two forms are referred to as quiet meditation, where the main objectives
are to be in the here-and-now. When you dwell on what didn't get done, what happened
to you or someone else, or what could have happened, you are living in the past. If you
continually worry about what may happen, you are living in the future. There is a
wonderful time period that you miss when you live in the past or future. It's called the
present. My sister, Tina Kay, once sent me a beautiful story, which emphasized living in
the present. I will share it with you:

A Buddhist monk was explaining to his students the principle of living in the
present through drinking a cup of tea. The teacher explained, “If you are constantly
worrying about what has happened in the past, you miss what is happening now. If you
constantly worry about what could happen in the future, you will miss what is happening
now. As I drink this tea, I live in the present. All my thoughts are on this cup of tea. As I
hold this cup, my attention focuses on the warmth of the glass, the steam that rises up
from the brim, and the aroma that tantalizes my nose. If I were to sip this tea and worry
about whether or not the fire will go out, or concern myself with things other than my tea,
eventually I would look down and see that the tea was gone, and I won't even know what
it tasted like...” The moral of the story is that even the simplest of things can be enjoyed
to the fullest if we slow down and savor the moment. When the moment has passed,
there’s no going back.

Okay, who wants a cup of tea? Why don't you put this book down and go make
yourself a warm cup. If you don't have tea, you're not thirsty, or you are so thoroughly
engrossed in this book that you couldn't possibly put it down, try fully concentrating on
your next meal. Many people gulp down their food or eat while watching TV, devouring
whole bags of chips and not even realizing it until a commercial. Focus on each and
every bite. Savor the flavor and enjoy the experience. You will enjoy your food more, it
will be easier on your digestion, and you will feel more satisfied. If you are trying to lose
weight, this will help you tremendously.

Let’s look at the second form of meditation—breathing. The breathing technique

is used to help you center and focus your mind on the breath. You become fully in the
present by putting your full attention on your breathing. Sit in a comfortable position and
become as relaxed as possible. You don't have to sit in the lotus position with your palms
in the air. The idea is to get as comfortable as you can, without falling asleep. The last

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time I tried to cross my legs and sit like a yogi, I pulled a muscle, but we don’t need to
venture any further into my yoga war stories.

As you sit comfortably, merely focus on your breathing, just like you did in the
beginning of the last meditation. As you inhale, pull air in through your nose and follow
it down to the bottom of your lungs with your mind’s eye. As you exhale, follow the air
back out from your lungs and mouth, and allow yourself to relax. You can add variations
to this, such as breathing in to the count of four, holding the breath for a count of four,
and exhaling to the count of four. Either way, make it simple and relaxing. The goal is
to focus completely on your breathing and on nothing else. Since most of us tend to get
distracted easily, the breathing will give you something to concentrate on. If you find
yourself drifting off into la-la-land or thinking about something else, bring your attention
back to the breathing. Don’t be hard on yourself. It’s perfectly normal to lose your focus
and concentration more times than not--when first starting out. It happens to the best of
us.

The third form of meditation is pretty much the same; however, instead of
focusing on your breathing, you direct your attention to a mantra. A mantra is word or
phrase that you repeat silently or out loud. Although mantras are not to have emotional
meaning attached to them, I find words or phrases such as the following to be quite
effective: peace, calm, quiet, or relax; I am at peace, I am one with all, or I am who I am.
After several repetitions of these words, they tend to mesh together and lose their
meaning anyway. It’s like repeating the word “obey” over and over. After a little while,
this word no longer makes any sense.

Mantras can also be sounds, the most common and familiar one being OM
(pronounced O-O-M-M ). Your mantra should be stated every time you exhale. If you
find your attention slipping, re-focus and begin again with your mantra. Eventually you
will experience peace, relaxation, and a sense of being fully in the present.

Optimally, meditation is most beneficial when done twice a day for fifteen
minutes per sitting. If this is too much for now, just sit for fifteen minutes once a day.
It's much better to sit five minutes each day than it is to sit one day a week for an hour. A
little bit each day will greatly strengthen your ability to quiet the mind chatter and relax
the body. Recommendation: Be patient with yourself and expect to be easily distracted
throughout the meditation. With time, those sudden itches and distracting thoughts will
begin to fade away and you will experience a state described as bliss.

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 MEDITATION EXERCISE
Spend the next fifteen minutes sitting up comfortably in a chair, feet flat on the
floor, hands open and resting comfortably on your lap; back straight, chin up, having
good posture and form. Buddhist practitioners say a sloppy body suggests a sloppy mind.
If you find your head sagging or you're slouching over at any time, re-adjust yourself.
Expect to be distracted. You are not used to doing this so don't be hard on yourself if it's
difficult to remain quiet or still.

You may find yourself wanting to adjust your position or scratch yourself--go
ahead. People find this happens often when they first start out. It’s your body’s way of
keeping itself entertained. If you have a persistent itch, scratch it and return to the
breathing at hand. Don’t allow yourself to focus on the distractions and eventually they
will subside.

Keep your eyes open and allow them to defocus somewhere about four feet in
front of you. Place your attention on your breathing. Mentally follow the air into your
body and down to your lungs. Then follow it back out of your body. If your mind
wanders, simply acknowledge the thought and bring your attention back to your
breathing.

Okay. This is enough instruction for now. Go ahead and practice sitting quietly
for about ten minutes. Select any of the breathing techniques or mantras, but pick one
technique and stick with it this time. After you are finished, record your experience in
your journal. As time goes on, you will notice a big difference in your entries compared
to when you began.

LEARNING THE RELAXATION RESPONSE

The relaxation response is another wonderful technique for helping you calm
down and relax under pressure. There are three parts to the relaxation response. First,
breathe in deeply. Second, think of a pleasant experience and re-experience the
accompanying emotions. Third, state the word “RELAX” as you exhale. We've already
gotten the deep breathing covered. What I'd like you to do now is close your eyes and
remember a time when you felt very relaxed, calm, in control, and happy. Think back to

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one of those days where everything seemed to go your way. It can be a recent time or
something that happened ten years ago. Take your time and do this now. (If you have
trouble thinking of such a time, try focusing on the sensations you felt while doing The
Beach meditation.)

I want you to imagine going back to that time, event, or situation when you felt all
those wonderful emotions, and try to re-experience them. Feel relaxed, confident,
empowered, peaceful, and in control. Imagine these loving, positive emotions filling up
your body from head to toe. As you do this, imagine a wonderful radiant light filling up
your body and surrounding you as well. Whenever you think of this event or try to re-
experience these positive feelings/emotions, imagine being surrounded by and filled with
this brilliant loving light.

Good. Now combine steps one and two. Take a deep breath--remembering to
breathe in deeply from your diaphragm--and as you do, allow all those wonderful feelings
to flow throughout your mind, body, and spirit. Do this now. Wonderful. Do it again
and really lock these feelings into the cells of your body.

Now the next time you do this, I want you to add step three. As you exhale, say
the word Relax, but don't say it half-heartedly. Say “RELAX” confidently, not as a
suggestion, but as a command. You are the general and your body is the soldier. If you
give your body a command, it will follow orders. So say the word “relax” with Jack
Nicholson flair.

Okay, put all three steps together. Breathe deeply from your diaphragm, re-
experience those positive feelings and emotions, and then exhale through your mouth as
you state the word relax. Do this now.

As you practice this, the effects will grow stronger and stronger. The more you
practice, the more you condition your body to relax on command. What’s nice about this
is that you can practice this exercise anywhere and in front of anyone, without drawing
attention to yourself. How? By saying the word “relax” silently in your mind. You can
still say it forcefully, but not out loud. I also strongly recommend you practice as much
as possible when you are already relaxed. It's much wiser to be prepared for battle than
to try to practice during one.

INSTILLING THE RELAXATION RESPONSE

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 Before moving on, I want you to get as relaxed as you can (this is a good time to
practice your self-hypnosis) and imagine going back to a time when you were really
stressed out. This time, I want you to imagine you had been practicing these new stress
management techniques for some time and instead of getting stressed out, you applied the
relaxation response. As a result, you immediately began to feel better. Do this now and
take your time.

Now I want you to imagine a time in the future when you might ordinarily get
overly stressed. This time imagine yourself incorporating the relaxation response at the
first sign of stress. As soon as you begin to feel that knot in your stomach, or your face
start to flush, apply the relaxation response. If you wait until you are already at your
boiling point and ready to strangle someone, it will be much more difficult to calm down
and relax. So, imagine yourself immediately picking up on the warning signs of stress,
applying the relaxation response, and then feeling more relaxed, confident, and in control
of the situation. Take your time and imagine this as vividly as possible now.

You may need to do the relaxation response several times before it works well for
you. The earlier you catch yourself getting stressed or storing it, and the more you
condition your body to relax on command, the better it will work for you and the better
you will feel afterwards.

ENJOYABLE EXERCISE
Another way of dealing effectively with stress (and anger) is through some type
of physical exercise. I suggest walking. A thirty-minute walk four times a week has
multiple advantages. Not only is it great for your body, but it's relaxing and enjoyable.
Walking gives you an opportunity to get outside, seek quality time for yourself, bond
with nature, be alone with your thoughts, and get exercise all at the same time. Exercise
also helps the body release stress that has been stored inside the muscles and cells of your
body. We store negative experiences and memories within the cells of our body, which is
why many of today's health problems are psychosomatic. Through exercises like
walking, you are able to release many of these deeply engrained stresses. The main idea
behind getting a massage is to loosen the muscle tissue and release some of the negative
energy that has been stored there. But unless you marry a massage therapist, massages
can get expensive--while taking a walk is absolutely free. In addition, you don't have to
fit it into someone else's schedule, and the effects are longer lasting.

Yes, exercise reduces stress, increases energy and motivation, decreases appetite,
and helps you to live longer and healthier. It can also help you to love and accept

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yourself more. Through regular exercise, you naturally feel better and have a more
positive attitude towards life. Feeling good physically will help you to feel better
emotionally. When you are out of shape, so is your mood. Exercise helps you feel more
enthusiastic all the way around.

FUN EXERCISE
When it comes to exercise, the goal should be to take care of your body in the
healthiest way. Exercise because you want to love and care for yourself, not because
somebody thinks you should be thinner (even if this person is you). Finding fun and
exciting ways to exercise can be great motivators. Swimming, romantic walks, biking,
roller blading, streaking (just kidding), and dancing are just some ideas. You can also
group things together so that more is accomplished in a shorter amount of time. For
example, pretend important company is coming over in an hour and you have to get the
house clean. Cleaning your house in high gear, will not only get your exercise
accomplished, but will also get the job done in half the time. This, of course, creates
more time in the day to spend pampering yourself. Another idea, which works incredibly
well with me, is to listen to an audio book on a Walkman while walking. I get so
engrossed in a good story that I don't even realize I'm exercising. Plus, I want to walk
more just so that I can keep listening to the story. Now that's my kind of exercise!

Other techniques for handling and releasing stress include pseudo swearing, the silent
scream, and the burial ceremony.

PSEUDO SWEARING
Pseudo swearing is the act of venting out stress and frustration through cussing
aloud. There is one stipulation. You must make up the cuss words. For example, in the
movie Johnny Dangerously, one of the gangsters always made up cuss words, which
made for quite a laugh. He would get mad and say something like, "You fargen bastiges.
What kind of iceholes are you!"

As you make up a splurge of vulgarities, two things occur. 1) You take your mind
off of the stressful situation by re-directing your thoughts and attention to the pseudo cuss

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words. 2) After a few moments, you will actually hear how ridiculous you sound and end
up laughing. A good laugh will immediately break the tension and relieve stress.

THE SILENT SCREAM

The silent scream is self-explanatory. When you’ve reached your limits and are
ready to explode, take the deepest breath you can and then belt out the loudest scream
possible. Put your whole body into it. The only catch is that you cannot make any noise.
If no one is around and you would like to make some noise, go ahead. However, the
silent scream is devised so that people don't call the police on you.

BURIAL CEREMONY
Finally, we have the burial ceremony. This last stress relieving ritual can be
wonderful for releasing anger, guilt, fear, and sadness. It's a little extreme, but the effects
can be very therapeutic. Basically what you do is sit down and write a letter either to
God, a higher power, nature, or to yourself. In the letter, explain how you feel and what
your intentions are. For example, you may write that you are tired of feeling guilty or
angry for what has happened to you, by you, or because of you. State that you are
releasing yourself from the whole situation, including the feelings and thoughts that
accompany the situation or event, and any further responsibility for it. Then sign your
name and set the letter on fire.

You can burn the letter in the kitchen sink or outside, but the idea is to keep track
of the ashes so that you can bury them. Through burying the ashes, you are symbolically
ending your attachments to the situation or event. You are releasing yourself from its
constraints and forgiving yourself for whatever role you may have had in the event. Then
you place the ashes in the ground, bury them, and let the whole situation go. You can
bury the ashes in your backyard, at the beach, in a park, or throw them into the ocean.
The idea is to turn the situation back over to nature from where it came.

This is said to be a Native American tradition, which holds powerful, long lasting
effects. Whether this is true or not, by going through all the trouble of writing the letter,
burning it, and then burying it, you are releasing negative energy and healing yourself at
various psychological, emotional, and spiritual levels. Note: if you find your letter
becomes more than one page, you may want to tear the note up afterwards, instead of

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burning it. The last thing you want is to have to explain to the fire department what you
were doing. ☺

Chapter Nine

Releasing the Anger

This is an extremely important chapter because if not dealt with constructively,

anger is one of the most damaging and painful emotions one can experience. It is very
normal and healthy to feel angry in situations where you are hurt, abused, taken for
granted, or mistreated. However, anger becomes unhealthy if it is held or increased,
without resolving or letting go of it. If you cling to your anger instead of dealing with it
in a healthy and/or loving manner, it will eat you up inside. Maintaining angry feelings
or unhealthy grudges--especially those from the past--only hurts you. Making yourself
stay angry in order to keep from experiencing the underlying hurt/pain will only serve to
hold you as a prisoner inside your own body (and mind), and you will probably
experience the hurt even more so. Even if you were wounded in a terrible way, holding
on to the anger and/or rage only restricts you, not the other person.

Releasing anger often entails forgiving another or oneself for any and all
transgressions. Forgiving another does not mean the actions taken were right, acceptable,
or appropriate. Nor is it necessary to "like," speak with, acknowledge, or even forgive

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someone in person. The purpose of forgiving those of a wrongdoing towards you is to
release yourself from the negatively charged energy/emotion that binds you to that
particular situation or event. From working with those who have suffered all types of
abuse, I have found that it’s not until we forgive our perpetrators that we can finally
experience full healing and peace. We need to leave our abusive memories in the past,
where they belong. It doesn't serve any positive purpose and it doesn't help us in any
healthy way to keep our wounds open, fresh and painful. You may not be ready to take
this step quite yet. Believe me, I understand how difficult a task this can be. However, if
you truly wish to be set free from the chains of the past, this is necessary. The only way
we can truly be free from any oppression, self inflicted or otherwise, is to stop acting like
a victim, take the appropriate steps, and free ourselves from the anger, hurt, and sadness.
This is not easy, I know, but it will work and you will finally be able to put the past
behind you and move on.

In taking this type of responsibility, self-leadership, and action, we are also more
able and ready to forgive ourselves for whatever role we may have played in creating a
particular situation or event. This doesn’t imply that it was your fault you were hurt. The
role for which you may be forgiving yourself for might simply be that of continuing to
remain a victim—of keeping the hurt or anger alive. This is something you will no
longer allow yourself to do once forgiveness sets in. It may also entail releasing yourself
from any further negative thinking or hurtful self-statements. Often, victims of abuse feel
responsible, as if it were their fault they were abused. This is untrue. You cannot control
or be responsible for the actions of another. You are only responsible for your own
actions. If, however, you allowed the abuse to take place, now is the time to forgive
yourself, learn from your past, and continue on. The next exercise will show you how
and where to begin.

I will lead you through an exercise that will encourage both the releasing of past
hurts and anger, as well as forgiveness of both yourself and any person(s) who may have
hurt you. Afterwards, I will discuss further techniques for addressing anger in your life,
including how to communicate your anger effectively to others and for future reference, a
few techniques for releasing anger as you experience it.

LETTING GO
For this exercise, I suggest you assume a relaxed, comfortable position. Read the
instructions for this exercise and then go back and do the exercise in your mind. You
may also want to record this exercise onto an audiocassette for easier listening. It will be
up to you whether or not you want somebody in the room with you. You may not feel

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comfortable with that, but on the other hand, having a companion whom you can count
on for comfort and support may help you to get through this toilsome exercise more
easily. As always, when you've completed this exercise, journal all your thoughts and
feelings. Let's begin...

Take a nice, slow, deep breath and then let it out. (Pause five seconds.) Good.
Take in another nice slow deep breath and then slowly let it out again. (Pause
five seconds.) Very good. Now I want you to take a very deep breath and then let
it out very quickly all at once through your mouth. (Pause five seconds.)

Excellent. Now allow yourself to relax as much as possible. As you do so,

imagine a very safe, happy place. This place can be that magical, relaxing beach
we visited earlier, or it can be on top of a mountain, in a tropical rainforest, or in
the favorite room of your home. As you imagine this safe, happy place, I want
you to use all of your senses. Imagine what it smells like there. Can you smell
flowers or other gentle fragrances? (Pause five seconds.) What do you hear?
(Pause five seconds.) What do you taste? (Pause five seconds.) What do you
see? (Pause five seconds.) And what do you feel? You feel confident, safe,
relaxed, protected, calm, cool, and at ease in this safe, happy place. Anytime you
want to feel safe, relaxed, and at ease, all you have to do is imagine going to your
safe, happy place and you will immediately be there feeling relaxed and
comfortable. (Pause ten seconds.)

I would like you to leave your safe, happy place for now. Take these secure,
confidant feelings with you and imagine walking into a medium sized room. This
room is like a conference room. However, it's divided in half by a huge piece of
thick glass. This glass is special because it's indestructible. You cannot break it
even if you hit it with a sledgehammer. There is a chair on the other side of the
glass and there is a chair next to you if you want to sit down.

Imagine that an individual of with whom you are very angry or upset walks into
the room on the other side of the glass, and sits down in the chair. This person
may have harmed you in the past or is harming you now. There may have been
emotional or physical abuse, or it may have been a less serious incident that hurt
you just the same. This person may be a stranger, a relative, a spouse, or a parent.

It’s important to know that while this person is sitting in the chair on the other
side of the special glass, they are unable to move, talk, or make any facial or

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 bodily gestures while you are speaking. It is impossible for them to leave,
interrupt, or even move while you are speaking. What I want you to do is tell
them exactly how you feel inside. Tell them how you felt when they hurt you,
how you feel now, and anything else that you want or need to say. This is a very
safe and secure place to get it all off your chest, releasing it once and for all. Take
your time and remember they can do nothing but listen to what you have to say.
Take your time and do this now... (Pause for a couple minutes.)

Well done. Now this is very important. What I want you to do now is have this
person respond to what you said in the way that you would most want him or
her to respond. It doesn't matter if they would do this in reality. Have them do
this here and have them do it now. (Pause a couple minutes.)

That's good. Now go ahead and respond to what they just said. Take your time.
(Pause two minutes.)

Now have them respond again in the way you would most want them to. (Pause
two minutes.)

If there is anything else that you would like to say to this person, please do so
now. If not, then what I want you to do is tell this person you forgive him/her.
Remember, you are freeing yourself from the past and releasing the negative
energy that still holds you back from true peace and happiness. I also want you to
forgive yourself for whatever needs to be forgiven, even if it's just for hanging on
to the anger for so long. Do this now. (Pause for few moments.)

Finally, I want you to say good-bye to this person. You can just say good-bye,
shake his/her hand, give him/her a hug, or leave the room. As you do this, return
back to your safe, happy place and recharge in the warmth and love this place
provides for you. (Pause two minutes.)

Take a deep breath, count from one to five, and then slowly open your eyes,
becoming fully alert and awake.

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 You have done a wonderful job on a very difficult task and you should be very
proud of yourself. You may feel a bit lighter, as though a heavy weight has been
removed from your shoulders. You probably feel a bit exhausted from this exercise as
well. Getting in touch with your anger can be a draining experience. Through releasing
the anger in a positive way, the energy you put towards remaining angry can now be
channeled in more constructive and loving ways. Go ahead and take some time to
conclude this exercise by describing the experience in your journal. Write down your
thoughts and feelings about this exercise and any new feelings or insights you may have.
Also, think of anyone else with whom you may need to meet in the conference room.
This room is there for you whenever you need to get things out. It's often better to do it
in person, yet if this is impossible or out of the question, then the conference room is an
excellent alternative. After you journal, I suggest taking a break. You deserve it!

The last exercise was helpful for releasing yourself from the wounds of your past.
Now we will focus on how to constructively deal with anger in the present and future.
We've all had moments when we really wanted to strangle someone, but usually we don't.
So what do we do with the anger? It is usually dealt with in one of four ways. 1) Angry
feelings are stuffed--meaning they are not shared or expressed. Instead of stating what is
bothering us, we keep our feelings bottled up inside, where they drain us mentally,
emotionally, and physically. What usually follows is a build-up and then explosion of
emotion, when everything comes out at once. 2) Anger becomes displaced and instead of
communicating the hurt, we do subtle things to get back at the one who hurt us. This is
more commonly referred to as passive-aggressive behavior. 3) Anger is continually
expressed about everything. People who always seem to be in a bad mood, who are
constantly yelling about something, or who have a very short fuse fall into this category.
No matter how much they yell, they just can’t seem to resolve the anger and frustration
inside of them. 4) Angry feelings are communicated in a constructive and healthy
manner. Through expressing what one is angry (upset, hurt) about and suggesting what
can be done to rectify the situation, things can be resolved.

It helps to talk about your feelings immediately--or at least shortly after the hurt
takes place. I speak of being hurt because when we get mad, it's usually because our
feelings are hurt. Although we tend to use all four ways of dealing with anger, often one
style of resolve is incorporated more regularly.

LUV IS THE ANSWER

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 In general, people become angry when they don't feel luved. No, I did not
misspell the word. When you break the word luv down, it can be translated as follows:
People get angry when they don't feel Listened to, Understood, or Validated. You see,
when they don't feel luved. Many loving and useful means for resolving feelings of not
being luved exist, yet the central focus tends to revolve around effective communication.
When communicating effectively, one's feelings are made known, as well as what is
needed from the person by whom you are not feeling luved. A simple and effective
method of communicating what you think, feel, and need is to use the following sentence
fragments. When you _____________, I feel _____________. I want
_______________. I need ____________________. Here's an example of how it
works. Suppose a couple is having marital problems and one spouse says to the other, "I
would like to talk about our relationship." The other spouse responds, "Not right now,
I'm busy" or, "There is nothing wrong with our relationship. You're just over-reacting."
In this situation, the spouse initiating the conversation could respond in one of four
previously suggested ways. She could walk away feeling very hurt, but trying
desperately to keep her anger inside. She could commence screaming and yelling at her
spouse, which would only be met with a defensive retaliation. She could go out and run
up an expensive credit card bill. Or she could respond in a manner such as this: "When
you say I am over-reacting, I feel hurt inside, as if you don't care about me or take my
feelings seriously. I want your validation when I am feeling upset, concerned, or
frustrated with our relationship. I need your love and support.”

This type of assertive communication is going to take time to master, especially if

you have a more difficult spouse. However, if you learn to utilize this clear and assertive
(not aggressive) form of communication, you may find that your spouse isn't as difficult
as you thought. The only person who can stop you from communicating in this way is
you. If you feel too emotional at the time, leave the situation for a while. Go for a walk
or a drive until you are able to regroup and return to your partner. You can use this type
of communication with anyone you have a relationship with, whether it’s a boss, friend,
or child. It really will make a difference, but don't take my word for it. Try it and see for
yourself. Remember you can do anything. Don't let fear or the what if monster stop you.

Before I move to the next anger releasing exercise, I want to mention something
very important. It has to do with accepting people for who they are, not for who we think
they should be, or for how they should be towards us. Many of us become angry when
people don't act the way we want them to. We get upset because they don't do the things
we would have done, or because they do things we wouldn't have done. You must realize
that others have reasons for behaving the way they do, just as you have yours. Our life
experiences help shape us into the people we've become. Just because something might
be right for you doesn't necessarily mean that it will be right for somebody else. We are

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all doing the best that we can do with the tools that we have. Keep this in mind the next
time somebody frustrates you. You may be frustrating them as well. Either way, you are
both doing the best you can with the tools and abilities you possess.

Here is a very powerful technique for releasing anger and communicating

effectively. I call it the two-letter technique. You simply write two letters to whoever
has wronged, hurt, angered, or saddened you. The first letter will not be mailed so write
down everything and anything that you have ever wanted to say on this piece of paper.
Do not edit or hold back on this letter. Allow the pen to take charge and let your
emotions flow. The purpose of this first letter is to provide you the opportunity to release
anger in a positive, healthy, and constructive manner. You can swear, yell, scream, cry,
or anything else within the context of this letter. After getting out all that you have to
say, take a deep breath, tear the letter in two, and throw it away (you could even bury it in
the backyard if you desire.)

The second letter is going to be sent. Although this may be scary, letters can
evoke powerful changes in the authenticity and genuineness of your relationships. In this
second letter, write down how you feel, what you want, and what you need. This letter
gives you the opportunity to get out what is going on inside you, while simultaneously
letting others know. It’s important to continually remind yourself that people are not
mind readers and that it is necessary to let others with whom you are having a problem
know what is going on inside of you. This letter is a way of doing so. It is a vehicle for
communication, not one for blaming or criticizing. That stuff goes in the first letter.

Make sure you write the first letter before writing the second. It will be
tremendously helpful to get out your cynicism and sarcastic jabs before writing the
second letter. Again, the intent should not be to hurt, blame, or accuse the people to
whom you are writing. If you try to hurt them, they will respond with anger, and all that
you have written might as well be tossed out the window. However, if they become
angered by the simple truth, and not by how you are expressing it, that's another story.
Those are their issues and this will be something with which they will have to come to
terms. You have done your part and whatever happens from there will be out of your
control. At least you will know inside that you made an honest and loving attempt to
communicate, and heal a wounded relationship. In this, you will feel more confident and
empowered.

You may be nervous about sending the second letter so I am going to share a bit
of personal information with you about my own letters. Perhaps it will help encourage
you to write the letters to people in your life. The letter I wrote was sent to my father.
My parents divorced and since that time it felt like every year I saw my father less. We
would talk on the phone about once a month, and even then neither of us knew what to

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say. I blamed him for this and complained about the whole situation, but I never did
anything about it either. I made the mistake of waiting stubbornly for him to make our
relationship stronger, and wanting him to rescue it. After all, he was the father. I backed
myself further into a corner by not allowing myself to mention any of this to him. The
only way it slipped out was through a biting remark here or there. In addition, I didn't
want to hear any excuses. Little did I realize that he and I were using some of the same
excuses for not contacting each other more often.

So what happened? One day I finally realized that nothing was going to change
unless I did something to change it. I sat down and began writing a letter to my father.
Well, actually at first, I avoided my word processor like the plague. Fear set in and the
What If monster seemed bigger than ever. If I write it, then I'll have to send it. What if he
gets really mad? I don't care how tough you are. Nobody wants to piss off his or her
papa! Finally, not being able to take it anymore, I forced myself to sit down and begin
writing. It began with a pouring out of two, three, then four pages of harsh complaining
and finger pointing, really giving him a piece of my mind. I wrote how this sucked and
that sucked worse, letting everything I had bottled up inside come out. My fingers
blasted the keys of my Packard Bell and I screamed at how we hadn't even gone fishing
in over four years. Finally, after getting it all out, I took a couple of deep breaths, re-read
what was written, gulped, and scrambled for the delete button. Even while doing this, I
remember feeling something changing inside me. It was as though the closet door of my
cluttered heart had been opened up and cleaned out. It felt as though I had tapped into
my inner resources and found courage. Through letting go of my suppressed anger, I was
able to free myself from its grips, and it felt awesome!

The next day, the writing began again. This time I composed a letter that came
from the heart, instead of from my hurt ego. I had released much of the anger and
although a couple of the sentences were taken critically, it was not the intent. I was able
to express how I felt and what I wanted and needed from my father in order to salvage
our relationship. I wrote without fear of what he would think because I wanted to be
genuine, both to myself and to him. If I started editing for fear of what he might think or
how he might feel, where would it end? I must have read that letter twenty times before
finally sending it away. It was nerve wracking, yet a steady stream of confidence was
also in attendance. Confidence, because I had done something to make the situation
change. Instead of sitting around and blaming him for everything, I took responsibility
for my own actions. Through making the initiative, I did what I was capable of and didn't
let fear stop me. While placing the letter into the mailbox, I remember thinking the rest
was up to him. It is important to keep in mind that just because you may want something,
it doesn't necessarily mean that anyone else does. No matter what the outcome, you will
be able to feel empowered knowing that you have served, loved, and cared for yourself
well--no matter what another does. I gave myself the opportunity to heal and move past

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my anger towards my father. Whatever he would chose to do would be up to him. On a
happy note, my father did reply to the letter a week later (boy was that a long week).
Although he was not pleased with all that I had to say, he did decide to open up and
respond in a loving way. Today our relationship is much stronger. We do more things
together, talk more often on the telephone, and we even went fishing.

Chapter Ten

Healing the little girl or boy inside

There exists a theory entitled, "Transactional Analysis," which states within each
of us is a parent, adult, and child element.

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 THE PARENT
The parental element is a collection of ideas and beliefs we've internalized from
our primary caregivers (parents.) Have you ever said something and then thought, "I
sound just like my mother/father?" It is helpful to be aware of this aspect of yourself
when making decisions and judgments. You want to make sure it is you who is making
the decisions and not your parents. If you begin to make a decision and you hear your
father's voice in the back of your head telling you what you should do, it might be best to
stop for a second and reconsider what is best for you.

Many times what our parents teach us is sound advice, but not always. If you
constantly second guess yourself every time you attempt to make a decision, you may
want to investigate where the conflict is stemming from. It may be that you just need to
begin creating stronger boundaries around your own beliefs and attitudes are; separating
them from the beliefs, attitudes, and opinions of others (including your parents).

Children internalize all kinds of beliefs and ideas from their parents, which can
later create many problems for that individual. Here are a few irrational, negative, and
self-defeating beliefs I've regularly heard from clients: People can't be trusted. The
world is a cruel and unfair place. Men don't cry. Women aren't supposed to enjoy sex.
If you sin, you will burn in hell. Only crazy people go for counseling. You will never be
good enough. You will never find a faithful man. Men/women only take. And so on.

Believing these things can make you mistrusting, suspicious, confused,

fearful, and depressed. It can also make you behave accordingly. If you feel that
no one can be trusted, you may become untrustworthy as well. So be careful
when it comes to making choices in your life. Make sure it is your choice and
your decision, and nobody else’s.

THE ADULT
The adult element is the part you are using right now. It is the part of you that
makes logical, rational decisions in your life. The adult element collects information and
holds it up against previous life experiences to find whether you will support a specific
decision or belief. It also plays referee, maintaining a relational balance between the
parent and child part of you.

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 THE CHILD
The child is the impulsive, playful, and creative part of your personality. It is the
part of you that seeks immediate gratification and pouts when it doesn't receive it.
Remember back a few chapters when I said our life scripts are almost completely formed
by the time we are eight years old, and how scary it would be to have our lives run by an
eight-year old? Well, this may be more valid than we would like to believe. Most of us
are highly influenced by what took place in childhood. If you were hurt as a young child
and now associate being hurt with being loved, you are operating from your child part. If
you grew up in an abusive household, as a child you probably unconsciously associated
chaos with love, which would explain why you might have trouble in the relationship
aspect of your life now.

Another prevalent notion exists that we end up searching for and attracting
partners who resemble our parents in some way. I'm sure you've heard this before. If
you are female, you unconsciously seek out a father substitute. If you are male, you seek
out a woman who resembles mom. If you're gay, the same theory holds true but genders
are reversed. I've resisted that notion as long as I could, but it seems to make sense. This
is partly why we tend to attract the same type of people into our lives. Think about it.
Did you have a controlling or domineering parent? Is your spouse the same way? Did
you have a parent you were always trying to please or take care of? Do the people you
are always trying to take care of now surround you? Did you have a parent who used
guilt or shame to get what they wanted? Do you now have a partner like this in your life?
Here is the scariest question of all: Are you like this now?

If you answered yes to any of these, the question you want answered is "How do I
stop this cycle of behavior if it is unhealthy and/or unwanted?" Well, first we must go
back and heal the child inside you. This is accomplished by finding out what your inner
child needs and wants--what his or her fears are--and then helping your inner child with
the healing process. Until this is done, your true self will not be able to fully emerge. It
would be too risky.

The following next exercise will help you get in touch with your inner child. It’s
purpose is to assist you in uncovering any hidden insights, to provide you with more
positive, loving beliefs and attitudes, and to experience (perhaps for the first time)
nurturing, encouragement, protection, and understanding. *For this exercise, I will be
referring to your inner child as she or her. If you are male, merely substitute he or him.

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 YOUR INNER CHILD
Get into a comfortable position and imagine going to your safe, happy place.
Allow the positive and loving feelings to flow throughout your entire body.
Positive, safe, secure, and relaxing feelings move through you, allowing for a
deep relaxation to cascade over your entire being. Beginning at the top of your
head, imagine a wave of relaxation moving and vibrating down your body,
relaxing each and every muscle along the way. Move this relaxing wave of
energy all the way down to the tips of your toes. Feel your muscles become loose
and limp, heavy and relaxed. Cozy, heavy, gentle feelings embrace your muscles
as though a blanket of warm relaxation is covering you from head to toe.

Now take a nice, slow, deep breath into your lungs and then gently breathe out
through your mouth. (Pause five seconds.) Good. Now take in another deep
breath in through your nose and then let it flow out of your mouth. (Pause five
seconds.) Wonderful. Now take one more deep breath and this time release all
the air out of your mouth at once. (Pause five seconds.)

Excellent. As your body continues to relax, I want you to imagine walking

through a very peaceful and relaxing forest. Walking through this forest makes
you feel very safe and protected. Very peaceful and at ease. Notice the sounds
you hear in this forest. Perhaps with each step you take, you can hear the
snapping of twigs beneath your feet. (Pause five seconds.) What smells and
fragrances are there? Can you smell pine? Or perhaps just clean, fresh air?
(Pause five seconds.) What do you feel? Can you feel a warm sun peaking out
from the tops of the very tall trees? Can you feel a gentle breeze pressing against
your skin? (Pause five seconds.) What do you see? Can you see all the bright
green vegetation, or perhaps it's fall, can see all the bright colors of the changing
leaves? The light green and yellow hues scattered with tinges of orange and
brown? (Pause five seconds.)

As you move along this path, notice that it extends way down into the forest,
farther than you can even see. As you look down this path, imagine a small figure
walking towards you from the other end of the path. The figure moves cautiously
towards you and as it grows closer, you can make out the figure of a little girl (or
boy). As this child gets even closer, you begin to sense a familiarity and
suddenly, you realize this child is you. This child is you when you were a child.
She is your inner child. (Pause five seconds.)

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 I want you to notice this child’s facial expressions. Observe her posture and
appearance. Does she look frightened? (Pause.) Fearful? (Pause.) Shy?
(Pause.) Angry? (Pause.) Sad? (Pause.) Lonely? (Pause.) Or perhaps happy
and/or content? (Pause five seconds.)

I want you, as an adult, to sit down with this child and ask her how she is doing.
Ask her how she is feeling. Be patient. Take your time, and wait for a reply. Do
this now. (Pause one minute.)

Now ask her what she needs from you. Does she need protection, a friend,
someone to love and appreciate her? Do this now. (Pause one minute.)

You may want to take some time here to explain some things to this child that you
have learned from being an adult. Remember, we understand and see things
differently when we are adults than we did as children. A parent who works all
the time to support his family may love his children very much, yet from a child's
perspective, the parent is never around and thus doesn't love the child. Explain to
your inner child how her parents did the best they could with what they had. Give
her this knowledge so that she may finally begin to heal the wounds of her past.
Go ahead and do this now. (Pause four minutes.)

Good. Now I want you to promise your inner child that you will do everything
within your power to give her what she needs. You will provide protection and
security, love and attention. You will be the reliable and trustworthy friend she
needs and desires, no matter what anyone else does. From now on, you will be
there for her. Tell her this and mean it. She will see right through insincerity.
(Pause one minute.)

Excellent. Now give her a great big hug and tell her you love her. Hold her close
to your heart and feel the love between you. As you do this, look down upon the
face of your inner child and notice the warm, loving glow of a smile pressed
against her face. As you squeeze her close to you, she begins to fade away,
becoming one with you again. As this occurs, feel a warm glow begin to fill your
body. Feel an inner peace as a wonderful healing energy begins to emerge within
you. This Inner light fills your body, mind, and spirit with love, peace, and
healing energy. (Pause twenty seconds.)

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 Know that this little girl is only a thought away and she can hear what you say
and think to yourself. So be careful because just as positive, loving, and
supportive thoughts flow down to her, so do the negative, critical, and hurtful
ones.

Finally, imagine yourself surrounded by a beautiful white light. Feel your whole
body immersed within this protective and loving energy. Then, when you are
ready, take in a slow, deep breath, slowly open your eyes, and become fully alert
and awake and refreshed—feeling confident and at peace.

Several things may have taken place during this exercise so I want to go over
them one at a time. First of all, did you have trouble facing your inner child? Often,
people have a difficult time facing specific aspects of their childhood. Being a kid can be
tough. It is in these uneasy times that we store up negative energy and hurt. Therefore,
it’s sometimes necessary to go back to the darker periods of our life and release ourselves
from the emotional turmoil that connects us to the past.

If you found yourself feeling extremely emotional yet were forcefully holding
back, try giving yourself the opportunity to let it all out. If you feel like crying, cry. If
you feel like yelling, yell. It is so very healthy to express these emotions that have been
waiting for the chance to escape. Restraining these feelings only agitates your mind and
soul, while making you feel sick to your stomach. So let them out. I always say that
tears come from the ice melting around the heart...

Were you able to tell your inner child that you love her? If so, your path towards
inner peace and harmony will be a much easier one to follow. If you experienced
difficulty in relaying these words, this will be an area in which you will need to focus
most of your efforts and attention. Above all else, it is essential that you love, appreciate,
and support yourself to the best of your abilities. Even if you were made to feel
unworthy or unwanted as a child, it doesn't mean you have to feel this way now. As
children, we don't have much choice in the way we are treated or in how we are made to
feel. However, as adults we do!

Have you ever asked yourself what harm it would do to love yourself? What do
you risk losing if you were to begin loving, accepting, or appreciating yourself? You
already know the consequences of not loving yourself. Does it make much sense to
invest so much time and energy into something that makes you feel rotten? Of course

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not, but there are a lot of people out there who fight like hell to keep themselves
miserable. Some realize it and some do not.

A central theme is continually being reiterating throughout this book on how

important it is to treat yourself with love and respect. But as numerous the reasons for
why you should do this, people will come up with just as many for why they shouldn’t—
or can’t. Often, people are waiting around for somebody else to make them feel better—
perhaps a Prince Charming on a white mustang convertible. Not even a prince will be
able to break through your walls to rescue you if you do not first break down these walls
and rescue yourself. If you do not treat yourself with love, honor, and kindness, you will
not attract others who will also regard you in this way.

The same is true of knowing what you want out of life. If you don't know what
you want, you can't expect others to know for you. You must first figure out what is of
most importance and value to you, even if it’s done first through figuring out what is of
least importance. Then, begin to live by example. Love and appreciate yourself and
others will follow. Treat yourself like a doormat and others will take your lead as well.

If you initiate personal changes and focus on healing yourself, your Prince
Charming might just materialize before your eyes. Sometimes our true princes and
princesses are right in front of us, yet we can’t see them for who they truly are because
our own eyes are so cluttered with negative beliefs, expectations, or fear. Other times,
through growing stronger and clearing our vision, we see that it is time to move on and
though it can be quite difficult, it is also a long awaited relief.

I encourage you to engage in this short, simple exercise several times during the
next couple of weeks. Imagine holding, loving, and comforting your inner child. When
you can do this, the way you feel about yourself will change. Your inner world will
finally be at peace, which will impact how the outer world appears to you. This little girl
(or boy) will finally be allowed to emerge, come out from hiding, and play. It even
sounds good, doesn’t it? Oh, it feels even better, but I’ll let you find out for yourself.

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 Chapter Eleven

Secondary Gain: Do you have any?

In the beginning chapters, secondary gains were described and brought to your
attention in an attempt to bring you closer to understanding why you do the things you
do. In the chapters that followed, you were given selected exercises that were meant to
provide you the means to gaining a deeper perspective of your character, personality, and
behavioral patterns. This particular chapter has been saved for those of you who have
now gone through all the exercises and still feel as though nothing will ever change. If
you still find yourself running into the same brick walls, then something in your belief
system is getting reinforced by having things remain as they are. Even if you know
intellectually that something is not healthy or in your best interests, by remaining "stuck,"
secondary gains are being met and gratified. Therefore, as promised, I have provided an
imagery exercise to uncover any hidden secondary gains that have yet to be addressed.
This particular exercise can be utilized for many different things, as you will see, so I
recommend doing it every so often to help you along your journey. The way to see truth
is to open your eyes and honestly look...

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 Read the instructions and then do the exercise, or have someone read the
instructions and exercise to you. It can also be very worthwhile to record this exercise
onto an audiocassette for easy listening. I want you to incorporate your self-hypnosis
technique into this exercise as well. Any time you use hypnosis with an imagery exercise
the results are magnified. You are able to generate more insights and better relaxation
and focus when you combine the two techniques. Because of this, it is extremely
important never to do these exercises while driving a car or operating heavy machinery.
You must be able to place your full attention and focus on the exercise at hand. Okay,
let's begin.

YOUR UNCONSCIOUS AGENDA

Go where you will not be disturbed and get into a comfortable position. Loosen
any tight clothing and allow yourself to relax as much as possible. (Pause three
seconds.) Close your eyes and take a nice deep breath. (Pause.) Now slowly let
it out. (Pause.) Good. Do this again, breathing in through your nose and out
through your mouth. (Pause.) Okay, now I want you to breathe in as deeply as
you can and then let it all out through your mouth at once. (Pause five seconds.)

Allow yourself to get as relaxed as possible and begin counting from ten down to
one. Pretend that with each number you say, you become one hundred times
more relaxed and focused than you are right now. One hundred times more
relaxed and focused each and every time you say a number to yourself. Go ahead
and do this now. Ten---Nine----Eight----Seven-----Six-----Five-----Four------
Three------Two-------and--------One.

Allow yourself to become as deeply physically relaxed as possible, without falling

asleep. You also feel totally alert and focused only on what you are doing and
this makes you feel good all over.

Using your creative imagination, I would like you to mentally imagine walking
into a magnificent library. A library of quite some size, filled with books of all
different colors, shapes, and thickness. The amazing thing about this library is
that all of these books are about you. These books hold your memories, both
pleasant and painful, all your ideas, dreams, fears, triumphs, and regrets. This
library also has books that contain answers to the many questions you have
waiting. I would like you to imagine going to a section of the library marked
"Secondary Gains." Take your time and go to this section now. (Pause ten
seconds.)

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 Good. I want you walk up to one of the shelves, reach out, and take one of the
books marked “Secondary Gains.” There may appear to be several books so
allow your hand to guide you to the book that holds the answers you are currently
seeking. Reach for this book now. (Pause ten seconds.)

Very good. You may now wish to stay where you are or go to one of the cozy
chairs or beautiful tables. (Pause five seconds.) Now go ahead and imagine
opening your book. You may flip through the pages, gaze at the index, pick one
particular page, or just begin reading from front to back. Whatever you chose to
do is the right thing for you. Allow your intuition to guide you. Take as long as
you need and do this now. (Pause four minutes.)

You are in this library to find out if you have any secondary gains, what they are,
and how to overcome them. If the book you hold doesn't bring forth the answers
you are seeking, put it back and reach for another book that does. Do a little
personal research on yourself. The answers to all of your questions lie within the
pages of these very special books. Therefore, take your time and do a thorough
search in your inner library. (Pause three minutes.)

After you've finished in the library, put the books back on the shelf, leave the
library, and return to where you first began. Fill yourself with love, light, and a
renewed sense of determination. (Pause fifteen seconds.) Take a deep breath and
tell yourself that you will be fully alert and awake by the time you reach the
number five. Then begin counting up from one to five. Take your time and count
yourself up when you are ready. One------Two-----Three----Four--and--Five.

When making changes, it is first necessary to understand what motivates your

behavior. However, this is only the first step. The next step is to put this new
understanding into action through making healthier and more loving choices in your life.
Before the realization of secondary gains and unforeseen motivations, it would have been
extremely difficult to make fully conscious decisions to change cognitive or behavioral
patterns, simply because you weren’t really sure of why you behaved as such. Once
these revelations are uncovered, it becomes your full responsibility to do something about
them. If you don’t, then this is the choice you have made. You will no longer be able to
hide behind a wall of blame or victimization since you are the one keeping yourself in
this position.

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 When you do obtain new insights or information about yourself, do not second-
guess it. If you generate pure information from your subconscious mind and then
proceed to pick it apart analytically (intellectually), you will lose your own truth. If you
know what you've learned is correct and valid, your heart and gut will confirm it. You
should also remember that the inner library is always within your reach. Any time you
want or need to return to it for further answers, or guidance, feel free to do so. Your
inner wisdom is your greatest asset. Use it well and use it often.

Chapter Twelve

Self- Discovery: Going Within

It's not the final destination that makes all the difference. It's the journey you
make getting there. You have made it through eleven chapters. I'm sure it was not an
easy journey, but the relaxation, insights, healing, and positive changes have been worth
it, have they not? As we near the end of this particular journey, you may wish for still
more clarification as to what your future holds and where to go from here. The best way
to address these concerns is by going within. By this, I mean following your instincts,
your gut feeling, and your intuition. Discover through guided introspection what
answers, directions, and choices are best for you. When you think with your head--
instead of feeling with your gut--you tend to make less enlightened decisions. This
creates more problems or work for you. This isn't such a terrible thing, for problems are
merely opportunities for growth and observation. I view problems as mini life tests
that keep me on my toes and help me to continue growing. Without problems, we would
fall into the same old boring routine and there would never be any reason to test our
boundaries, exercise our creative resolutions, or push forward through the growth
process.

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 Although you may still have doubts as to what your future may hold—as we all
do--know that for now, several issues and blockages have already been uncovered,
resolved, and even removed. This creates real opportunities for you to experience life in
a new way. As cliched as this saying is, it holds so much truth. The secret of
enlightenment is to be standing in the same spot, yet seeing everything differently--as if
for the first time.

Allow me to give you a brief example. Those of us who enjoy planting flowers,
also understand the work of pulling weeds. From others’ and our own life experiences,
we come to hate weeds—viewing them as the enemy that must be destroyed through
chemical warfare or by yanking them from the earth. Along my own personal path of
spiritual enlightenment, I one day found myself standing in front of a flower bed smiling
delightfully at the beautiful weeds in front of me. I was so busy cursing them and
blaming them for the demise of my flowers that I had never taken the time to actually
look at them. When I finally did, I found beauty and joy in these marvelous creations
from God. The weeds had not changed—but I had—and it’s made all the difference in
my life, for now I can find beauty in most everything (except mosquitoes!)

Hopefully the previous exercises have helped you to move past some of your
fears—or at least to confront them—so that you are able to see what was dared not
looked at before. Through this, healing, forgiveness, and appreciation have been able to
penetrate the many levels of your humanness, which will allow you the ability to see
clearly what could not be seen before. When blocked, frustrated, miserable, or
intimidated, many of the clues life provides us are missed. We become so confused and
engulfed in negative thinking, the answers we beg and cry for become invisible, though
they stand overtly before us.

Therefore, if the time ever arises that you feel helpless or out of control, try doing
these two things: slow down and ask for help. You can ask for help in the form of
friends, family, or counseling, but I also strongly suggest asking for help from a higher
source. Whatever you believe in is okay by me, whether it’s Buddha, God, Allah, or the
divine universe. Regardless of the religious particulars, time and again, prayer has
helped—even atheists. A rather large part of growing spiritually is to become more
spiritual. This doesn’t necessarily mean more religious, but it can and does include
becoming closer to God and nature—which is one in the same in my belief system.
Creating a stronger relationship with spirit can provide great relief and comfort in our
times of despair. It’s also important to maintain a loving flow of communication when
times are good as well.

You will also want to tenaciously attempt to calm down all the commotion and
negative thinking going on inside your head. Confusion stems from too much input

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going to the brain. It's like sensory overload on a computer. When there is a barrage of
negative self-statements and what-if worries, the simplest of answers become as easy to
find as a needle in a haystack. Imagine, if you will--a bunch of football players in a great
big pile up on top of the football. Now let's imagine that this football is the answer to
your troubles, yet you cannot get to it because of the overlapping pile of football players.
Each player represents a different negative self-statement or worry. If you were to begin
taking players off the pile, one by one, eventually the pile would be removed (the mind
would become quiet) and the football (answer) would by laying right there in front of
you--clear as day. Make sense? Stop thinking so hard and just let the answer(s) come to
you. Trying to force it will only make you fumble and worrying yourself to death will
give you the feeling of being under the pile-up.

SETTING GOALS AND KNOWING WHEN YOU HAVE

ACHIEVED THEM
In the section that follows, I will be sharing a very powerful method for getting in
touch with your higher wisdom, manifesting goals, and creating the future you most
desire. Before I can share this, it’s first essential that you have an idea of what it is you
wish to manifest. It’s much easier to reach a destination if you know where/what that
destination is. Having a map makes it even easier to get there! Therefore, I have
provided a few questions that will help you decipher the goals--and steps necessary to
achieving them--in the days ahead. In this way, not only will you know where you’re
going, but you will also know when you have arrived. So take your time and carefully
answer the questions below. Remember you are creating your own destiny right now, so
make wise and loving choices that are in your best interests and for your highest good.

Destiny has nothing to do with fate, and everything to do with choice.

Questions
1) If you could be altered or modified in some way, what would be changed and where
would you begin?

2) How would you now think about yourself, life, etc.?

3) How would you now feel about yourself, life, etc.?

4) In what areas would you behave differently and in what areas would you behave the
same?

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 5) What actions or steps would you take to improve your current
situation? What would the very first step be?

6) How will you know when you have accomplished a goal or made a positive change?
What clues will reassure you of this?

7) How would you like to handle stressful or chaotic situations in the future? How
would this help those situations to become more productive and comfortable?

8) If you could begin from scratch, what would you do differently? Can you make
some of these changes now? Perhaps redecorate the house or wear different styles
of clothing?

9) What are some of the things that interfere or stop you from making a few of these
changes in your life now? How can you make that interference work to your
advantage?

10) What would you like to happen in the next year? The next
five years? Ten years?

11) How will you know when you have achieved your life goals
five or ten years from now?
Through specifically defining what you would like for yourself, you begin to
program your mind to take you there. One of the main secrets of successful goal setting
is to always leave available loopholes in the form of choices, alternatives, and backup
goals. Although we often convince ourselves we are without choice--or are very limited-
-it's not accurate. You are only limited by how much you limit yourself. Still, wouldn't it
be nice to have somebody just tell you what’s the best thing to do is? To have someone
we could just call up and say, "Hey, what do I do now?!" Well, guess what, there
someone like that. It's your inner guide. Sound kooky? Before your critical, judgmental,
disbelieving left-brain begins to dismiss the idea, you may want to check it out.

Remember the example of not being able to remember something and then as
soon as you forgot about it, the answer popped into your mind? Where did that answer
come from? Perhaps the answer was always there, but you just couldn't recall it because
you were trying too hard. Perhaps the answer was stored and retrieved from a wiser part
of your mind--from your unconscious mind. This wiser part of your mind is what I refer
to as your inner wisdom, your higher power--your inner guide.

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 In this exercise, we will focus on getting in touch with your inner guide(s).
Although there are several ways of doing this, I am going to share the technique that has
helped me the most. However, before I do so, I would like to share with you my first
experience with this particular meditation. Hopefully the message I received will also
benefit you.

I was sitting in a most comfortable chair, gazing out the window of my office.
My eyes closed as I imagined myself growing increasingly relaxed. As my body
gradually let go of the tension, my mind became filled with various pictures and thoughts.
Some were interesting, but most were of a distracting nature. I lovingly allowed my
mind to become quiet and focused my attention on taking an imaginary journey to the top
of an ancient mountain. As the destination was reached, my inner guide--who actually
appeared in the form of a grand old tree, greeted me. (Inner guides can appear as
animals, trees, people, angels, light energies, etc.) We engaged in delightful conversation
and I was given an opportunity to ask a question. So I did. I asked, "What is my
purpose?" A direct, yet loving response was given instantaneously: "Why do you ask?"

Just getting a response back, which I knew intellectually did not come from my
conscious mind, caught me totally off guard. I wasn’t really expecting an answer back
and the reply was so quick, I hadn’t had time to conjure it up myself. Nor would I have
answered my own question with a question. My response was that I didn't know why I
had asked it. Once again an immediate response was given: "Ask again later when you
do know why." I was dumbfounded and I assure you, I didn't argue.

Eventually, after several days of personal inquiry and introspection, I returned to

my inner guide with a different, more specific question—and I knew why I was asking it.
An instantaneous answer was then given to me. I had never thought of this answer
before, but it seemed so clear and obvious after I heard it from my wise and loving guide.
I’ve been a believer ever since.

It's important to know why you ask the questions that you do, and also why you
ask the same types of questions repeatedly in different ways. What I’ve learned is that
it’s not the answers--but the questions--which are of most importance. Answers are easy
to get to if you ask the right questions. So I began thinking about why I had asked that
particular question in my initial encounter. And you know what? I ended up discovering
the very answer I'd been looking for.

Now, we could debate on where the answer came from. I could have given
myself the answer, yet the responses and insights were so quick and contrary to what I
expected that it seems illogical that I made it up and then fooled myself into thinking that

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I didn’t. So if not from me, where else? I'll tell you where. From my inner guide. Who,
what, or wherever he is.

Wherever the answers came from, they were right on. So I encourage you to
connect and communicate with your own inner guide(s). Everybody has one--or more--
and all it takes is quieting your mind down enough to hear clearly. Be patient with the
experience and know in advance why you ask the questions you do.

YOUR INNER GUIDE

Okay. Are you ready to meet your inner guide? Read the directions and do this
exercise the same way you've done all the other ones. Take your time and journal your
experience afterwards.

Imagine walking through an enchanted forest and moving towards a clearing. As

you enter the clearing, find yourself at the base of an ancient mountain. As if it
were second nature, you begin climbing effortlessly and easily to the top of this
mountain in search of a guide who holds the answers to all your questions. As
you ascend the side of this grand mountain, pretend that the higher you climb, the
more relaxed you become. Also notice with every step, your mind seems to
become more calm and quiet. Your thoughts are focused on the beauty of the
mountain and the spiritual feelings that flow gently throughout your body. You
feel very safe moving up this mountain--and finally--you arrive at the top. (Pause
five seconds.)

Here, you may find a temple, a path, or a beautiful sitting area. Perhaps as you
stand there, taking in the view, an animal walks up to you, or a wise person comes
to you from the temple. This is your inner guide. As mentioned earlier, your
guide can be in the form of a plant, animal, person, or other. I want you to thank
your guide for the opportunity and for the knowledge you are about to receive.
Proceed to ask your question(s) and wait for an answer. Be patient with yourself
and with your inner guide. Remember that answers do not always come in the
form of words. Nor do they always come right away. (Pause four minutes.)

Now thank your inner guide for the experience and for your insights. (Pause ten
seconds.) Slowly take a nice, deep, relaxing breath of fresh air and open your

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 eyes at the count of five. One---two---three--four--and--five. Eyes opened,
feeling fully rested, alert, and awake.

CREATING YOUR FUTURE ONCE YOU

KNOW WHAT YOU WANT
The next exercise will help you create what you want in your future. We do have
more control over our future than we think. You cannot control what happens in the
world or what others do, but you can control what you do. This control comes from the
choices that you make. You are continually making hundreds of choices a day, thousands
of choices each month. Every choice you make directs and determines the course of your
future. As a result, you are a product of your choices. Every choice you have ever made
has brought you to this exact point in time. To this exact page. To this exact word.

In one way or another, you have created your entire life. You will also continue
to create your life until the time you leave this material world. You have the power to
choose how things will turn out for you. If you want to say something or speak up about
something and you don't, this is a choice you have made. Reading the rest of this page is
a choice. We have so many choices in life, yet we feel so limited. Why? Because we
are afraid of what the consequences might be. It is more frightening to continue living in
fear than it is to make the positive, constructive, and loving life choices that will make the
difference in the end.

With this said, it's time to take back your power, let go of the fearful thoughts that
limit you, and begin foreseeing life as a brand new experience, where you are free to
make the choices that are right for you. As I've stated so many times before, our life is
what we think it is. It all depends on how we perceive things. Again, think of your mind
as a computer and your mental thoughts and images as the software. If you feed your
mind negative, self-defeating thoughts, your computer will use this to make you feel
negative and helpless. If you view or think of yourself as too smart or too dumb, too fat
or too thin, too boring or to hyper, you might as well be (even if you're not!). If you view
yourself as trapped or without choice, it will be extremely difficult for you to make
changes in your life. Why? Because your mind interprets these images (blueprints) and
acts to keep them the way they are. Therefore, if you want to stop smoking, begin
imagining yourself as a non-smoker. If you are overweight, imagine yourself as the way
you want to look and feel. If you feel stuck in life, imagine being "unstuck."

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 Imagine already being the way you want to be. Perhaps you have to give a
speech and you are really nervous. You probably imagine yourself looking silly or
forgetting your lines in front of all those people. Instead, what you could do is imagine
the speech going extremely well. Imagine that you are right on key, the audience is very
warm and accepting, and the entire speech from beginning to end goes absolutely
wonderfully. Now doesn't that leave you feeling more confident, supported, and calm?
You’ve got to start being your own best friend and give up the worst enemy bit. It’s not
worth it anymore.

What you see is what will be...

MANIFESTING GOALS AND OUTCOMES

This is how I go about manifesting the future of my dreams. Read the directions first and
then do the exercise.

Get as comfortable as you can and imagine being in a majestic movie theater.
You are sitting in front of a huge movie screen. Suddenly, the screen fills with
light and a film begins to play. The title of this film is Your Future. This movie
is about you, the choices that you make, and outcomes that will occur in your
future. The magical thing about this movie is that you are the director, producer,
editor, sound and light technician, and actor. You can make changes, add and
delete things, and create a future that is most enticing and rewarding to you. All
you have to do is use your creative imagination. The sky is the limit.

So let’s not waste another moment. Go ahead and imagine what you would most
like to see happening in your future. Again, focus on your own actions. You
cannot control the actions of others so do not rely on anyone else for your own
well being. View yourself as a confidant, motivated, and intelligent person that

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 can and will take care of her/himself from now on. Begin anywhere in the movie
that you wish. Observe the positive choices you make and also the rewarding
outcomes that occur as a result of your choices. Watch this movie all the way
through and find yourself ending right where you most want to be, thinking in the
way you most want to think and feeling the way you most want to feel. Take your
time and do this now. (Pause for four minutes.)

Very good. Now watch this movie once more in fast forward. Observe any
further changes you would like to make or that you might have missed before.
Also, look for any catches or obstacles that might get in the way of your success
and correct them—even delete them--from your movie. Take your time and do
this now. (Pause four minutes.)

Good. Now I am going to count from one to five and as I do, I want you to
become fully alert and awake, feeling wonderful and refreshed in each and every
way. One---two--three--four--and--five. Eyes opened, feeling confident and
refreshed.

I recommend writing down this experience in your journal, recording the goals,
actions, and steps you took towards achieving your goals. This goes hand in hand with
the previous exercise in which you wrote down the goals and the clues, which assisted
you in knowing when you achieved them. You may even wish to go back through this
imagery exercise and add to it the achievement of the goals and signs of recognition. It
will only add to the power of this exercise in self-creation.

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 Chapter Thirteen

Self-Love: Not the end, but the means...

Many human beings have experienced a nagging, relentless feeling that seems to
urge them into doing something. The perplexity occurs when we don't know what that
something is. As time progresses--frustrated and sometimes desperately--we tell
ourselves time is slipping away and we still haven't done what we came here to do. We
still haven't fulfilled our purpose—whatever it is. There is also a tendency to exacerbate
our despair by thinking when we finally do figure it out, it'll be too late!

This relentless urge continues to grow and if it is ignored we only become more
restless and upset. Often these dreadful feelings come to a head somewhere between the
ages of 37 to 50. Our thoughts center on the ideas that we aren’t getting any younger and
it’s our last chance to do something youthful, spontaneously, and often times crazy.
Society has given a label to this experience. It's called a mid-life crisis. Yet, somehow I
think we are talking about something different here. I've known people in their 20’s who
have had the same nagging, frustrating feelings; wanting to do something, but not
knowing what it is. What are they having, a quarter-life crisis?

Generally this nagging sensation increases over time and inevitably comes to a
climax. This seems to cause erratic behavior or depressive feelings. Unfortunately,
people seem to act in their own best interests only when they have no other choice or
when the emotions become too much to bear. When responding out of desperation, we
engage in acts that we regret later. People have love affairs, dramatically alter their
appearance, or spend large sums of money frivolously. Instead of gradually seeking
peace of mind, we jump into eccentric behaviors in an attempt to quickly find, satisfy,
and/or rescue ourselves.
The mistake we make most often is to look outside ourselves for answers. We
feel as though the answers lie in a new car, a change of jobs, or maybe just a vacation.
Perhaps these things are needed. However, altering only the outside world will not be
enough. You must also modify your inner world by enhancing the way you love,
appreciate, respect, and care for yourself. This is the driving force of the nagging
sensation you’ve been experiencing.

We tend to roam in the land of quick fixes, hoping to find some answers. Yet, it
often takes years to master the art of self-love and self-acceptance. Luckily, self-mastery
is not a race and there are no time limits. Each day can be viewed as a new opportunity
or a new challenge from which life can be lived to it’s fullest. This doesn’t mean that

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miraculous things need to occur every day. The little things that we can do--or that we
take for granted—can give us such peace and joy. You just have to take the time to
notice them. Open yourself up to this joy, and your world will change before your eyes.

A dear friend once told me what we experience deep within us is the longing
desire to bring a piece of paradise down from where we came. This place, of course, has
many names; Heaven, the light, the source, etc. The miraculous thing is that we already
have the ability to do so. We have the choice between creating our own Heaven or Hell
right here on Earth. On the average, people tend to experience a little of both. Yet, there
is a strong tendency to focus on the more hellish aspects of life. I believe Hell is a state
of mind and not a place you go if you're naughty. We create so much agony and despair
for ourselves—it feels like we’re either in hell or everything’s going straight to it!

Everyone has his own personal Hell. It doesn't matter how rich you are, to whom
you're married, what you look like, or where you live. If you do not possess inner peace,
through self-love and self-acceptance, a part of you feels empty. Material possessions
cannot fill this empty space. Many believe if they just had more money, a bigger house, a
better car, they would be happy (and love themselves more). This is untrue.
How many millionaires have committed suicide? How many "famous" people
have died from drug overdoses? They had money. They had fame. What didn't they
have? They didn’t have the peace of mind that comes with having a strong sense of self-
love and appreciation. If you still think you need something materialistic to feel happy,
try very hard to let go of this self-limiting belief. True happiness is attained through
loving oneself and sharing this love with others. Material wealth is just an added bonus.
☺

Have you ever focused more on all the bad things that have happened, or on all
the things you don't have? Did you ever stop to think of all the wonderful things you do
have; of all the blessings you received today alone? I got up out of my own bed today. I
can drive a car. It was a beautiful sunny day. I had enough money to purchase this
book. I have children. I don't have children. Instead of being upset about all the things
you don't have, be grateful for all the things you do have.

This feeling or sensation that you seek so desperately is nothing more than the
remembrance of love, joy, and peace you once experienced in spirit form and know still
exists. It is this inner peace which you so desire and you can have it here on earth. So
remember, if you continually look for all the negativity in the world and within yourself,
you will find it. Wouldn't it be more enjoyable to look for all the positive and loving
aspects in and around you? You will find them too, if you put your mind to it.

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 You do have a purpose for being here. Actually, the purpose is the same for all of
us. We are here to learn, to grow, to experience ourselves, and to assist others in their
growth. The so-called troubles and patterns you continually go through are the reasons
you are here. Before you can move on to the next level, you must first break free from
the old patterns, beliefs, and attitudes to which you so desperately cling. Resolving the
unresolved issues in your life is what this nagging feeling is urging you to do. It's not
about money, or power, or material wealth. It's about you and your "inner stuff"
(issues/problems). This nagging drive is nothing short of a blessing. It is a veracious
internal life force that encourages--and sometimes forces--you to strive for that which is
already truly yours. Discovering who you are isn't about defining what jobs you
completed, how many kids you had, or how well you kept the house clean. It's about
discovering the love inside you and sharing it with others. When you finally do
remember who you are, it will not be the remembering which defines you. It will be the
journey by which you got there

My advice: Forget about trying to figure out who you are and start living in the
way that is best for you. Love and treat yourself the way you deserve to be loved and
treated. Care for your own needs first. Use your voice, and the next time you ask
yourself, "Who am I?" state confidently, "I am who I am," and you will be right!

A Prayer for Today

This is the beginning of a new day. God has given me this day to use
as I will. I can waste it--or use it for good, but what I do today is
important, because I am exchanging a day of my life for it! When
tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever, leaving in its place
something that I have traded for it. I want it to be gain, and not loss;
good, and not evil; success, and not failure; in order that I shall not
regret the price that I have paid for it.

-Dr. Heartsill Wilson

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 Chapter Fourteen

Review: Five essential ingredients to being happy and

successful

As we bring our journey to an end, I would like to review the top five methods for
sustaining everlasting peace and happiness. The first and foremost strategy is to
habitually monitor your internal chatter and hold negative thinking to a minimum. It is
normal to have fleeting thoughts of fear and/or worry, but remind yourself to keep it in
moderation. Think positively and you will feel good. Think negatively and you will feel
bad. Retain a strong leash around the what-if monster and remember this expression
when your mind starts playing the worrying game. When something becomes out of your
control, then there is nothing you can do about it. There’s no use worrying since it won’t
help the situation in any way. If something is within your control, there is no use
worrying about it because you have control. With these two thoughts in mind, you no
longer have to worry about anything either way.

Effective communication is essential for getting what you want and need in life.
The key is to ask for what you need of another. Do not wait, hoping or expecting another
will know what you need. Also, do not assume the other person knows what your
needs/wants are. The same is also true for you. Don’t you assume to know what others
need or assume what is best for another either. If you want to know what somebody
could use from you, ask him/her.

Use "I" statements when communicating with others. This helps you to take
responsibility for your own actions, which is appropriate since nobody else is responsible
for you except you. Keep this in mind when you attempt to rescue certain people in your
life. They are responsible for themselves and if they need rescuing, the rescuing has to
come from them. If you are always helping them out of trouble, they will never learn to
help themselves. Plus, when you use “You” statements, the other person will become
defensive because it feels as though blame is being placed.

When you don't feel Luved, use the following statements: When you ___, I feel
____. I want ____. I need ____. If you still don't get through or feel loved, it is
probably time to move on to somebody who can and will love, understand, and appreciate
you, unless of course the issue of not feeling loved stems from within you. If you do not
love yourself, it will be difficult to believe in the sincerity of another’s love for you.

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 Personal time and space are very important for taking care of yourself and your
personal needs. They don’t have to be long periods of time; maybe just 10 minutes a day
to sit down and relax. It is not the quantity of time, but the quality that is of utmost
importance. Use this time to reflect on life, to gaze out the window, to observe your
thoughts. Sit quietly and just listen to your inner world. You can also use this time to
read your favorite book, or work on that hobby you never had time for in the past. It's
also important for you to be alone during this time. If you have kids, designate a specific
time during the day or night as your time. Inform your kids or spouse that at this certain
time, you are off limits. If this is impossible for now (because of legitimate reasons),
wait until your kids are taking a nap, or incorporate your lunch break as your personal
relaxation time. You could also recruit your spouse or friend to help you out if necessary.
Then you can return the favor. Do not take this time to wash clothes, finish paperwork,
or complete an assignment! This is your time and it may be the only break you get all
day. So don't waste it on chores or let anyone take it away from you--especially you. If
you died tomorrow, would you feel better about having taken special time out for yourself
or about having done the dishes?

Writing a journal is always an excellent source for venting frustrations and

disappointments, for discussing dreams, fantasy’s, hopes, goals, and aspirations. It is a
way for you to go within yourself, relinquish fears, and rise above the chaos. By getting
your feelings and thoughts out on paper, you will be more able to define what you want
and how to achieve it. Keep your journal private, do not edit it, and allow your true self
to emerge. Practice being the way you want to be in your journal. Say what you want to
say, be the way you want to be, feel the way you want to feel, and day by day, practice
this in real life. Eventually you will realize that you no longer need the journal. You
finally are who you've been waiting to be.

The last of the five tools consists of bringing some type of meditative practice into
your weekly routine. Utilize meditation, self-hypnosis, or belly breathing whenever you
can. Of course, you don't have to limit yourself to these methods. You can use yoga, Tai
chi, dance, or any other techniques for quieting and relaxing the mind and body. Just
remember to do at least one of these at least once a week. Engaging in such activities on
a regular basis will bring your physical and mental well being/health into a state of
balance and harmony. In addition, it will increase your inner awareness, insight,
creativity, inner peace, and happiness. You will find yourself on a more spiritual path, in
pursuit of bliss and a broader perspective. The only way to know the advantages for
certain is to try it out. If anything, you'll have more energy and will sleep better.

Once you know what you want in life, it will be easier for you to begin creating
it. The best way to know what you really want--and to know how to get it--is by listening
to your heart. Your heart will tell you what you need and will also be patient enough to

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help you achieve it. Once you've figured out what your goals are, create a game plan for
achieving these goals. Take one goal at a time and begin thinking of this as a mini
project. By making each goal in itself a project, you are more likely to complete it. It’s
easy to get fired up about doing something and then not do it. If you make it a project
and start it immediately, you will feel more compelled to complete it. As a rule, people
don't vacuum half a rug or wash half a car. They finish the project they start. Therefore,
create small self-improvement projects, where the goal is to change and/or modify certain
aspects or traits you possess. You can even use positive reinforcement (rewards) for
working on your projects. For example, decide for the next five days to take fifteen
minutes out of each afternoon just to sit down and relax. If you do so, your reward will
be to go shopping on Saturday. If you don’t take this time out for yourself, the negative
consequences will speak for themselves. One of the best motivators in history is fun.
Come up with some real enticing rewards and make them fun. The more you enjoy
yourself, the more enjoyment you will want. Also, make sure that these rewards are
realistic. You want to be able to stick to them when the time comes. One good reward: I
will get to sleep in on Saturday.

Before continuing, I want to make something clear about certain undesirable traits
or behaviors that you feel you may possess. Although these aspects are a part of you, this
does not mean they are you. Because you may feel a part of you is undesirable, it doesn't
make you undesirable. You are a complex, multi-faceted human being, and you cannot
be judged by "parts" of you. To further clarify, let's say you have really bad table
manners. Your table manners are atrocious. Now, does this make you an atrocious
person? No. You have poor table manners: big deal. This is only one aspect of your
personality. It is a trait you possess. It doesn't mean you are anything more than a messy
eater. Besides, since this is only a behavior of yours, you can work on changing it. Get a
book on table manners. Ask your friends to tell you when you do something that is
considered inappropriate at the dinner table. The point is that just because you might not
like certain things about yourself, it doesn't mean you aren’t a very special and unique
individual. Regarding yourself as something less than valuable because of a couple
idiosyncrasies would be like throwing away a one hundred-dollar bill because it had a
little rip on the corner. So remind yourself of this the next time you start being hurtful or
critical of yourself.

I am compelled to include one final comment concerning things we say to

ourselves. Have you ever heard the remark, "One person can’t make a difference"?
Well, here is my reply. If all the people who ever made this remark were to take a chance
and make those changes anyway, millions of people would be changing everyday.

What you do has an impact on those around you, whether you realize it or not.
Suppose I say something nice to someone and they turn around and say something nice to

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someone else. That simple act of kindness just impacted two other people. If I did
something nice to two different people and they turned around and did the same for two
other people, that's six people I’ve impacted in a positive and loving way. Love and
kindness can cause wonderful chain reactions. But it goes the other way as well. If you
catch yourself saying that your actions or words won’t make a difference, think again.

Chapter Fifteen

As you look into your future...

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 Congratulations on completing this book. Although our journey together has
drawn to a close, your personal journey has just begun. You now have your whole future
to create, enjoy, and anticipate. You always have. Now you have much more knowledge
and understanding from which to draw strength and assist you in making choices that will
shape your destiny. As you leave behind the negativity and wounds of the past, living in
the here and now will become your ultimate goal. The past is behind you and the future
has not yet been created. It is only in the present that you can fully experience and
appreciate life. Now it’s time to experience all those wonderful things you've always
wanted to do, but were afraid to try. My recommendation: do the things that most
represent you. Be as truthful, genuine, and authentic as possible. Through being true to
yourself, you will have finally defined who you are.

You are a very unique and important human being. In your own special way, you
bring to this planet an exuberant quality--and personality-- which cannot be duplicated.
Because we are all special in our own ways, to deny ourselves of being who we truly are
negates the unique qualities we possess. By following the crowd and behaving in the
way you think everyone wants you to behave, you truly sacrifice what only you can offer
to the world-- yourself.

Peace and love be with you always.

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SYNOPSIS/OUTLINE

Chapter One: What the hell is happening?

Provides the reader with hope and understanding through metaphors, insights, examples, and humor.
Explains how and why so many people feel lost in the struggles of life. Shows how this specific audience
may have gotten to where they are now and offers feedback and illustrations which allow the reader to
realize (and identify through self-statements such as "that's me all right") they are not alone, others have
made it through, and they can too. Discusses several emotional states readers may be experiencing and
where those feelings originate. Also includes feelings, thoughts, and reactions, which accompany change.
Chapter concludes with an inspirational poem by Robert Frost.

Chapter Two: Women and Men: Both who suffer.

Discusses further reasons for why people seem to lose track of themselves and their identity. Though men
and women experience the world differently, in essence, we are all human, operating out of thought,
feeling, and emotion. I provide insights as to why men seem to lose their voice and women forget they
have one.

Chapter Three: Stopping the Negative Cycle.

The focus is turned away from how this all happened to what one is doing to keep it currently perpetuating.
Stop blaming others and take back responsibility for one's own life. Discusses positive and negative

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cycles/patterns of behavior. Concludes with how to stop the negative cycles in your life and where to
begin.

Chapter Four: Setups, Resistance, Secondary Gains, and More.

Expands awareness of existing defense mechanisms, which may block one's growth. Explains how these
mechanisms emanate out of fear, how to address your own fears, and eventually move through them.
Defines what setups, resistance, secondary gains, and denial are, how they work, what purpose they serve,
how to know if they are at work in your life, and how to overcome them. This chapter also discusses the
What-If Monster, how to increase self-awareness, and the Creating Options game.

Chapter Five: Where Do I Go From Here? The Exercises...

Self-acceptance is the main theme of this somewhat lengthy chapter. Tools including journaling and
positive affirmation lists are recommended and described in full detail for those who have no experience
with either forms of "self/ego enhancers". Several imagery exercises are provided including the Gaze into
the mirror, Peer at yourself through the eyes of someone who loves and appreciates you and The future
you. These exercises are geared towards enhancing one's self-acceptance, self-appreciation, self-worth, and
self-care. These exercises also allow for people to see themselves in the future, perhaps for the very first
time, as the way they truly want to be. All exercises offer suggestions, guidance, and "things to think
about" before, during, and after the exercises are completed. Readers are also encouraged to move through
the exercises at their own pace, fully experiencing one exercise before jumping into the next. Attention is
directed away from the negative and pointed towards the positive. Readers are also encouraged to remain
aware of any resistance and/or setups, which may occur while engaging in these exercises.

Chapter Six: The Gift of Auto-Hypnosis.

Discusses the nature of hypnosis, providing a brief history and background. Describes auto (self) hypnosis,
what it is and is not, how to incorporate self-hypnosis into the exercises, and in what other areas self-
hypnosis can be applied. Practice tests are included to foster and enhance selective thinking and relaxation
skills. Any further exercises are encouraged to be implemented via self-hypnosis.

Chapter Seven: Self-Hypnosis for Relaxation, Energy, and Balance.

A script for relaxation entitled "The Beach" is provided. All the exercises are safe and easy to use at home.
It is suggested the reader records this script onto an audio tape for easy listening. It is also encouraged for
friends to take turns reading this script to each other for increased relaxation, energy, and inner peace.

Chapter Eight: More Tools for Peace and Relaxation.

This chapter offers a wide variety of stress management tools and techniques, which help to alleviate stress,
tension, and negative energy in one's life. Tools and techniques include meditation, walking, deep
breathing, exercise, pseudo swearing, and the silent scream. Adding these tools to one's repertoire creates
and strengthens inner peace.

Chapter Nine: Releasing the Anger.

Self-hypnosis imagery exercises facilitate the release of frustrating and angry feelings aimed at others
and/or oneself. Realizing and feeling one's own anger can be channeled positively, this chapter explains
how. Feelings, thoughts, and emotions are to be written down in one's journal. Writing 2 letters technique
is also included.

Chapter Ten: The little girl or boy inside.

After cutting away the layers of crap, we seek to find our lost selves, our true selves. What do we need?
Love, protection, encouragement, understanding? If we do not protect ourselves, who will? We must be
there for ourselves, even if others are not.

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 Chapter Eleven: Secondary Gains: Do you have any?
Script for finding out whether you have any secondary gains which keep you functioning at your current
level.

Chapter Twelve: Self-Discovery: Going Within.

It's not the final destination that made all the difference, it was the journey itself. If you don't know what
you are searching for, game plan---make it a project--reward self—you’re on the right track. Many times,
when you are the most confused, you are the closest to what you are looking for. Write down what and
how you what to be in the future, this way you will know when you are there.

Chapter Thirteen: Self-Love: Not the end, but the means...

Personal philosophy as to who you are, why you are here, and your purpose...

Chapter Fourteen: Review: Five essential ingredients to being happy and successful
Top five: Personal time and space. Quality, not quantity time. Journaling.
Meditation/self-hypnosis. Negative self-talk. Positive cycles of behavior (what you will begin to
experience)--creating a project--rewarding--oneself. Conclusion

Chapter Fifteen: As you look into your future...

It was as though I had had opened up the cluttered closet of my heart and cleaned it out.

Problems are merely opportunities for growth and observation.

The way to see truth is by opening your eyes.

What To Do When You Don't Know What To Do

A guide to Self-discovery, Self-love, and Self-acceptance

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