TO: All Employees Using HP 5000 Computers

It has recently come to my attention that a computer security problem exists within our
organization. I understand that the problem is twofold in nature:
ERRORS:

 Did not use “you” viewpoint: using first-person pronoun (I, our) instead of second-
personal pronoun

 Did not consider reader benefits.

 Did not use positive language: “It has recently come to my attention that a computer
security problem exists within our organization”

 Did not use familiar words: using “twofold”

a. You have been sharing computer passwords.

b. You are using automatic logon procedures.

ERRORS:

 Did not consider reader benefits.

 Did not use positive language

Henceforth, you are prohibited from sharing passwords for security reasons that should be
axiomatic. We also must forbid you to use automatic logon files because they empower anyone
to have access to our entire computer system and all company data.
ERRORS:

 Did not use “you” viewpoint: using first-person pronoun (we, our) instead of second-
personal pronoun

 Did not use positive language: using “prohibited”, “forbid”

  Did not use familiar words: using “Henceforth”, “axiomatic”, “empower “

Enclosed please find a form that you must sign and return to the aforementioned individual,
indicating your acknowledgment of and acquiescence to the procedures described here. Any
computer user whose signed form is not returned will have his personal password invalidated.

ERRORS:

 Did not consider reader benefits.

 Did not use positive language: “Any computer user whose signed form is not returned
will have his personal password invalidated”

 Did not use familiar words: using “aforementioned “

 Did not use gender-free word: using “his”

EDIT
TO: All Employees Using HP 5000 Computers

Because your organization is facing a significant problem in computer security, please follow
these two actions to improve the situation:
a. Secure your password. Please do not reveal your password with anyone.

b. Use manual log on procedures if possible. Automatic logon is not encouraged.

Sharing password is not encourage because some security reasons. By keeping your password
safe, you will help the organization to prevent leaking private information. Moreover, please avoid
using automatic logon procedures because it is unsafe. Despite being timeless and convenient,
automatic logon gives strangers power to access to the entire computer system and company data.

Will you please inform us by signing the attached form and send it back to me confirming that you
are taking this problem seriously and agree to follow the two procedures listed above. We
appreciate your contribution to protect the company private information.