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"I'm the Worst Mother Ever": Motherhood, Comedy, and the Challenges of Bearing and
Raising Children in "Friends"
Author(s): Eleanor Hersey Nickel
Source: Studies in Popular Culture, Vol. 35, No. 1 (FALL 2012), pp. 25-45
Published by: Popular Culture Association in the South
Stable URL: https://www.jstor.org/stable/23416364
Accessed: 19-03-2019 10:21 UTC
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Eleanor Hersey Nickel
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Eleanor Hersey Nickel
sues" and questions its slight attention to feminism and birth control
(223). Naomi Rockier points out that the "self-absorbed" Monica,
Rachel, and Phoebe are hardly feminist role models since they "do
not exhibit a consciousness that their personal struggles with careers,
relationships, and even issues such as single motherhood are part of
a systemic, political context" (245). This is certainly true, since the
characters display no interest in political action and seem unaware that
they are benefiting from that of the feminists who came before them.
My main point of disagreement with these critics is their fail
ure to consider Friends as a comedy, whose purpose is not simply
to reflect the bleakness of reality but to find humor within viewers'
everyday struggles. With its wide array of motherhood types—Carol
Willick and Susan Bunch as lesbian mothers, Phoebe as surrogate
mother, Rachel as single mother, Monica as adoptive mother, Erica
as birth mother —Friends demonstrates an ingenious ability to bring
out the comic potential of the quotidian realities of bearing and raising
children. Nothing is too minor to receive comic treatment, from bro
ken condoms to pregnancy mood swings, from breastfeeding to diaper
genies, from baby showers to babysitters. While the show does not
teach women to become feminists, it does recognize the daily chal
lenges that are often misunderstood by spouses, bosses, and co-work
ers, allowing women to join in a community of laughter that supports
their need to maintain self-respect, sexual fulfillment, and careers dur
ing their child-raising years.
Scholars have remarked on the potential of sitcoms to be lib
erating despite the powerful limiting factors of corporate sponsorship
and network greed. Darrell Hamamoto argues that "the situation com
edy has offered oppositional ideas, depicted oppression and struggle,
and reflected a critical consciousness that stops just short of political
mobilization" (2). Gerard Jones recognizes the genre's realism: "Of
ten sitcoms try to duck away from external realities, using gimmicks
to distract us, but if they fail to grapple at some level with the fears and
desires of a significant number of Americans, they usually die fast" (6).
Feminist critics argue that sitcoms have played a unique role in rep
resenting the fears and desires of women. Bonnie Dow's Prime-Time
Feminism examines The Mary Tyler Moore Show ( 1970-77), One Day
at a Time ( 1975-84), Designing Women ( 1986-93), and Murphy Brown
(1988-98), arguing that sitcoms are the type of program "in which
women are most often and most centrally represented and from which
television's most resonant feminist representations have emerged"
(xviii). Lauren Rabinovitz gives further examples such as Laverne &
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Motherhood in Friends
Shirley (1976-83), Kate & Allie (1984-89), The Golden Girls (1985
92), and Roseanne (1988-97), claiming that the sitcom "has been the
television genre most consistently associated with feminist heroines
and with advocating a progressive politics of liberal feminism" (145).
In the conclusion to Television Women from Lucy to Friends, Spangler
admits: "As I approached revisiting these sitcoms, I fully expected to
be righteously indignant about most images of women and girls on
television throughout the past fifty years, but I was not" (237). Perhaps
because Friends is an ensemble show that does not focus only on fe
male characters, critics have yet to consider its extensive treatment of
women's issues in relation to the liberating and subversive possibili
ties of its genre.
Friends should also be considered in its specific institutional
context, as one of a series of "Must-See TV" hits of the 1990s that
brought critical recognition to NBC due to their targeting of upscale,
educated viewers and their highly literate humor. Amanda Lötz argues
that shows like Friends, Seinfeld ( 1990-98), Frasier (1993-2004), and
Will & Grace (1998-2006) represent a high water mark of quality that
was recognized by multiple Emmy awards: "The network produced a
programming brand of distinction by delicately balancing the need for
popular success with the need for artistic innovation and critical excel
lence" (273). While NBC was owned during this period by the giant
corporation General Electric, Christopher Anderson shows how GE's
solid economic base and stable leadership allowed for more freedom
to experiment and create quality programming. David Marc includes
Friends on a list of 1990s comedies that captured his attention and
exemplified "the genre's increasing capacity to adapt itself to higher
standards of traditional dramaturgy and language play" (xv). These
critical assessments provide a context for a sympathetic viewing of
Friends as a sophisticated comedy that opens up a space for examin
ing modern motherhood.
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tient. When Joey Tribbiani claims that he plans to be "in the waiting
room, handing out cigars" while his future wife is in labor, Chandler
Bing jokes that "Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a mov
ie from the fifties," indicating that such behavior is inappropriate for
fathers of the 1990s. Meanwhile, Susan and Ross fight over who has
a greater connection to the baby, ironically while they are locked in a
closet with Phoebe. Ross complains that he does not get to live with
the baby, but Susan counters that his role has more social approval:
"There's Father's Day, there's Mother's Day, there's no Lesbian Lover
Day!" Phoebe convinces them to stop fighting and cooperate in the
baby's care. In typical sitcom fashion, the episode ends with reconcili
ation as the three parents cuddle the baby, deciding to name him Ben
after the name on the uniform that Phoebe wore to escape from the
closet. This closet symbolism points to the importance of openness
and equality for lesbian parents, with unconventional Phoebe as the
voice of the new morality.
Since Carol and Susan are secondary characters, we learn
relatively little about their daily lives as the series continues. How is
Ben's surname decided? Who takes care of the baby while they are
both working? Kelly Kessler points out that the lesbians on Friends
do not challenge the values of the mainstream viewer since they "ex
ist in a relatively problem-free world. They embody the ideal hetero
normative relationship: bliss, monogamy, and a shared home" (135).
Not only are Carol and Susan the most mature and financially stable
characters, but "[t]he lesbians are the natural mothers, highlighting the
main character's foibles, immaturity, and shortcomings" (137). The
focus shifts to Ross's hard work as a father, whether he is modeling
traditional masculine behavior by giving Ben a Gl Joe action figure or
emphasizing Ben's paternal Jewish heritage through an explanation of
Hanukkah. By representing the father's importance to this parenting
team, the writers allow their defense of lesbian motherhood to appeal
to a mainstream audience.
"The Hardest Thing I'd Ever Have To Do": The Surrogate Mother
While the mothers of Carol and Susan are absent from
Friends, perhaps symbolizing the lesbian couple's break from tradi
tion, the other main female characters' mothers are all too present as
examples of bad parenting. There are probably multiple reasons for
this. Supportive Baby Boomer moms could too easily become senti
mental and would obviate the Generation X characters' need to figure
things out on their own. Generational conflict is always a great source
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Eleanor Hersey Nickel
of comedy. Since these older mothers were not liberated and appear
to have suffered from a lack of purpose and identity, the writers may
also be acknowledging the struggles that the second-wave feminists
sought to redress and implying that new forms of motherhood are nec
essary if women are to have more balanced and healthy lives. Phoebe,
Rachel, and Monica may not be feminists themselves, but they are
different from their mothers in part because they have benefited from
the achievements of the second wave.
Phoebe's mother seems to be a casualty of an era when un
wed motherhood was stigmatized and covered up. In season one, we
learn that Phoebe's father, Frank, had abandoned the family and that
her mother, Lily, killed herself when Phoebe was a teenager. Yet the
plot thickens in season three, when Phoebe meets an old friend of her
parents, Phoebe Abbott, who turns out to be her biological mother.
Apparently Frank, Lily, and Phoebe were a high school threesome,
and when Phoebe got pregnant, she gave the baby to Lily to raise.
We never learn whether Lily's suicide was influenced by the burden
of raising two children alone or the need to keep a secret about their
birth. The tragicomic excesses of this plot point to the social upheav
als of the 1960s, which left many mothers of the next generation con
fused about which models to follow. Since neither Phoebe's father, nor
her birth mother, nor her adoptive mother succeeded in raising her to
adulthood, she has to look beyond her own family to discover how to
be a successful mother in the 1990s.
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Motherhood in Friends
(Rao 24, 27). While the Friends writers chose the least controversial
arrangement—altruistic, gestational surrogacy—Phoebe's pregnancy
and childbirth raise many ethical questions about this new form of
motherhood that can be explored with relative safety through comedy.
"The One With Phoebe's Uterus" emphasizes the altruistic na
ture of Phoebe's surrogacy, since the subject comes up when she asks
Frank Jr. and Alice what they want for a wedding gift. When they ask
her to carry their child, she responds: "I was thinking of like a gravy
boat." Although surrogacy is presented as a gift, the comparison to a
gravy boat introduces the question of its value in relation to a product
that Phoebe could buy for them. When Phoebe tells her friends, "I'm
going to be giving someone the greatest gift you can possibly give,"
Chandler jokes, "You're going to carry their child and get them a Sony
PlayStation?" Phoebe's altruistic language cannot cover up the cost of
her potential sacrifice. Many theorists have questioned the ethics of
"gift" surrogacy, arguing that "exploitation of one person by another
can exist in noncommercial forms" (Macklin 207) and that "family
pressure can be as or more exigent and extortionate as market pres
sure" (Lane 133). Phoebe's friends quickly point out the emotional
consequences of this decision, thus inviting the show's vast interna
tional audience to consider this issue from the surrogate's point of
view. We are drawn to sympathize with Phoebe when her biological
mother tries to discourage her from giving up a baby by showing her
how hard it is to give away an adorable puppy. Yet Phoebe's surro
gacy will not simply repeat a family pattern: she will become pregnant
deliberately rather than by accident and give the baby to a married
couple who long for a child.
In "The One With the Embryos," the scene at the in vitro fer
tilization clinic reminds us that this will be a fully gestational sur
rogacy, or as Phoebe describes it: "I'm just the oven. It's totally their
bun." In reality, most surrogate mothers have been inseminated with
the intended father's sperm, making them the babies' genetic as well
as gestational mothers (Macklin 23). By restricting Phoebe to the
"oven," the writers can more easily privilege genetic ties, implying
that Frank Jr. and Alice are the true parents because they are the bio
logical parents. The episode emphasizes the costs of in vitro fertiliza
tion to engage our sympathy for Frank Jr. and Alice, who can afford
only one $ 16,000 procedure to implant five fertilized embryos, with
only 25% chance of pregnancy. The comedy then focuses on Phoebe's
crazy attempts to ensure conception, as she lies upside down and urges
the embryos to "really grab on." The episode ends with the joyful
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realizes that he can't give them up. Phoebe offers to help out more, but
there is no real threat to the idea that Frank Jr. and Alice are the true
parents. This episode portrays Frank Jr. as a true father not through his
biological relation to the children but because he is raising them and
appreciates their unique talents, like the ability to burp the alphabet.
It is significant that this focus on child-raising happens in season ten,
when the writers retract the importance of genetic ties to allow Monica
and Chandler to adopt the children of a single birth mother who, like
Phoebe, is not quite middle class. What remains consistent is that birth
mothers give their babies to wealthier married couples, the forms of
surrogacy and adoption that seem likely to gain the largest mainstream
support.
In contrast to the irresponsible 1960s threesome of Frank Sr.,
Lily, and Phoebe Abbott, we have some confidence in the abilities of
Frank Jr., Alice, and Phoebe Buffay to be responsible parents to Frank
Jr. Jr., Leslie, and Chandler. The multiple groups of three may be seen
as symbolizing the number of ways that parenting can take place in
feminism's third wave. As Lane argues, "Were we to transform our
social imaginary to accept the fact that surrogacy makes families pos
sible, but does so by creating other relationships which should be val
ued and acknowledged, surrogacy could be accepted as one way of
forming families rather than as the embodiment of their dissolution"
(137). Just as the writers support lesbian motherhood but then back
away from the issue, they staunchly defend a woman's right to choose
surrogacy but largely ignore the potential for exploitation and ongoing
psychological pain. In the end, Phoebe's sentimentalized surrogacy
experience proves to be totally compatible with the formation of a
traditional family, as the series ends with Phoebe and her husband
planning to have their own children.
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ers in the 1990s: "Many told of how emotional support was often hard
to find and of how judgments others made about them from afar could
hurt so much. They also told me how motherhood, complicated, ex
hausting, and demanding as it was, gave their lives a sense of purpose
and meaning they'd never found in anything else" (xi). In more recent
interviews, Wellesley College sociologist Rosanna Hertz learned that
single mothers have enjoyed the benefits of feminism without neces
sarily becoming outspoken feminists: "They aspired to acceptance in
a middle-class milieu and alignment with conventional definitions of
mother, child, and family" (xvii). Since stigmas against "unwed moth
ers" are still powerful, women who choose single motherhood often
try to fit in, making the popular Rachel an ideal candidate to take on
this identity on Friends.
The season seven finale, "The One With Monica and Chan
dler's Wedding," contains two registers of meaning: comedy for the
first-time viewer and dramatic irony for the viewer who knows that
Rachel is pregnant. This double vision allows Kauffman and Crane to
focus on Monica's wedding while preparing for the serious issue of
Rachel's pregnancy. When Phoebe finds a positive pregnancy test in
Monica's bathroom on the morning of the wedding, she assumes that
Monica is pregnant. Rachel cries, ostensibly because she is worried
that Monica will be left at the altar: "People will be whispering 'Oh,
that poor girl!' You know, and then she'll have to come back here and
live all alone." Yet on a second viewing, we know that the pregnancy
test belongs to Rachel and that this imaginary scenario of living "all
alone" expresses her fears for herself. In the last seconds of the epi
sode, the revelation that Rachel is pregnant takes place without words.
When Monica privately tells Chandler that she's not pregnant, the
camera cuts to Phoebe looking at the newlyweds and joyfully saying:
"And they're going to have a baby!" We discover that Rachel is the
pregnant one based only on her anxious facial expression; the primary
signifier of single motherhood is fear.
At the beginning of the following season, the writers calm
these fears by supporting Rachel's decision to raise a child on her
own, while gently mocking those like Ross, Dr. Green, Joey, and Jack
Geller, who think that a pregnant woman should immediately marry.
Rachel's mature acceptance of the pregnancy and ability to make ra
tional plans exemplify what feminist philosopher Sara Ruddick calls
"maternal thinking," in which "the decision to initiate or to continue
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Motherhood in Friends
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have a child, which drives her future choices as she breaks up with
Richard Burke because he does not want to have children, considers
visiting a sperm bank, marries Chandler, discovers that she cannot
conceive, and adopts twins. Played out over ten years, Monica's strug
gle to become a mother resonates with Generation X viewers who
have delayed marriage and childbearing, whether due to ambivalence
about marriage, the decision to focus on a career, or the sheer bad luck
that plagues Monica.
Monica and Chandler begin trying to conceive in season nine,
with plenty of humor about the logistics of having sex while she is
ovulating, such as when Jack Geller walks in on their lovemaking and
tries to encourage them: "You gotta get at it, Princess. When your
mother and I were trying to conceive you, whenever she was ovulat
ing, bam! We did it. That's how I got my bad hip" ("The One Where
No One Proposes"). The tone changes in "The One With the Fertil
ity Test." Chandler is alone in the apartment when the doctor calls
with the results. We do not hear the doctor's words, but the silence as
Chandler listens to him signifies the couple's lack of fertility and loss
of hope. When Monica enters, the humor stems from the incongruity
between clinical and colloquial language, as Chandler translates "my
sperm have low motility and you have an inhospitable environment"
to "my guys won't get off their Barcaloungers and you have a uterus
that is prepared to kill the ones that do." But there is no happy end
ing, belying the cliché that sitcoms always resolve problems in half
an hour. Monica and Chandler will spend the rest of the series dealing
with infertility, in contrast to an episode of Frasier that aired a few
months later in September 2003. Niles and Daphne Crane briefly think
that they will not be able to conceive due to his low motility, but she is
pregnant by the end of the episode ("No Sex, Please, We're Skittish").
While the male-oriented Frasier was often considered more serious or
significant than Friends, its marginal plots about single motherhood
and infertility highlight the extent to which Friends explored women's
issues in depth.
From this point forward, multiple episodes reinforce the theme
that nothing about motherhood comes naturally. In a sense, Monica's
strong desire to have children exemplifies Dow's argument about the
central role of motherhood in series as diverse as Murphy Brown and
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman (1993-98). While Dow expresses frus
tration that "postfeminist discourse presents that role as the 'natural'
choice" (195), Monica's inability to conceive complicates this gener
alization. While the goal of having a child is never questioned, con
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Yet the end of the article becomes increasingly serious, describing the
couple's "frustration and tears." In an article by Matt Lauer on the
Dateline NBC website in May 2004, Arquette describes undergoing in
vitro fertilization and taking shots of heparin every day while playing
a comic character: "I remember one time I just had a miscarriage and
Rachel was giving birth. It was like that same time. Oh my God, it was
terrible having to be funny"
Monica and Chandler are relentlessly and comically honest
throughout the adoption process, laying to rest the stigma that adop
tive parents selfishly keep secrets from birth mothers and children.
Chandler inadvertently tells a friend's eight-year-old son that he is
adopted and then asks Phoebe, "How would you like it if someone
told the triplets that you gave birth to them?" When he realizes that
all three children are in the room, he declares: "I'm going to go tell
Emma she was an accident" ("The One Where Ross Is Fine"). When
Monica and Chandler meet Erica at the adoption agency and discover
that she thinks they are another couple, Monica advocates playing
along. Chandler continues his role as truth-teller, convincing Erica to
choose them because Monica is "a mother without a baby" ("The One
With the Birth Mother"). As the series nears its end, this sentimental
phrase makes the idea of the "natural" mother more tenable and calls
attention to Monica's sense of incompleteness without children.
Since actress Anna Faris was twenty-seven, Erica comes
across in "The One With the Birth Mother" as a thoughtful woman
in her twenties; she carefully chooses a doctor and a minister to adopt
her child and then her compassion for the Bings moves her to change
her mind. Yet her age, maturity, and class status have been lowered
when she visits New York in "The One Where Joey Speaks French."
When Monica and Chandler ask about the baby's father, we learn that
Erica has slept with two men, her high school boyfriend and a man
who is in prison for killing his father with a shovel. This ambiguity is
resolved when Monica learns that "Erica didn't pay much attention in
Sex Ed class, because the thing she did with that prison guy—it would
be pretty hard to make a baby that way." The biological father remains
nameless and non-threatening, while the incident emphasizes Erica's
simple-mindedness and sexual irresponsibility. Like Phoebe during
her surrogacy, Erica turns out to be a "dumb blond" who will not draw
attention to her rights as a birth mother. Despite their overall attempts
to be progressive, the writers fall back on disturbing class-based ste
reotypes about pregnant teens in order to maintain full sympathy for
middle-class Monica and preserve her happy ending.
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Motherhood in Friends
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