Essay With Revisions

1. Insert your entire essay here. Include any revisions your instructor asked you to make.

Immigrants have to go through things that nobody would ever want to go through in
their life. People can try to enter illegally into a country for a majority of reasons, to find or
engage in paid work, to find better living conditions, to reunite with family (like Enrique from
Enrique’s Journey did), or to simply just find a better life, the reasons are virtually endless. The
issue is making the trip itself, some issues that people may encounter along the way are not only
natural problems, like extreme weather conditions, and other natural disasters, but it may be
people as well. On the way to a better life, immigrants my encounter, bandits, thieves, corrupt
police officers, gangsters, and immigration services that will most likely send them back to
where they began.

Immigrants face several problems as they attempt to make it into a better life. Everyday
illegal immigrants get caught, on the way, or in the United States, and they end up getting
deported, if they end up getting deported they sometimes can’t even afford another trip back to
America or back to the border. In the article In Crisis, Greece Rounds up Immigrants written by
Costas Kantouris, which I recently read, it spoke of an immigration problem in Athens Greece.
The article spoke of how there were “roundups” of the immigrants on the street. The majority
of them were cuffed and treated unfairly and cruelly. They were being lined up to be into
detention leading to an eventual deportation at times. The numbers were incredible, the police
in Athene’s apprehended nearly 7,000 people and 1,700 were going to get deported.
Deportation wasn’t the only thing the immigrants had to deal with, they had to live through the
horrors of racism. Every day it was racial profiling, prejudice, discrimination, and severely unfair
treatment. As I continued to read through the article I ended up reading about what the police
would do to the immigrants. Instead of protecting them and advocating racism, the police
officers would beat them, degrade them, and give them terrible treatment due to the color of
their skin.

Adults aren’t the only immigrants to illegally cross borders though. There is an alarming
rate of young children, and teenagers attempting to illegally cross the border to find their
parents. A recent article that I’ve read called Surge in child immigrants stresses support network
which was also written by Fox News, reports that from October 2011 through March, there was
5252 children who landed in U.S. Custody, each of those children didn’t have a guardian or a
single parent with them. According to Fox News, and their statistics, that’s a 93% increase from
2010. The numbers don’t lie, in March of 2011 alone there were 1,390 children arrivals. At times
though children come for more reasons than just finding their parents. They come from all
around the world, and South America, just to find more opportunities in the United States. At
times they make the journey to send money to their home, to escape violence in their
homeland, or just a chance for a better life.

At times you always hear about the immigrants that are outside of the United States,
but what about the ones that are already in the country? America has several problems with
immigrants that are already here. Which are sometimes unfair to the immigrants. At times
 people really have to consider if it’s worth coming to America, people don’t really have the same
fair opportunities as others, why you ask? Well according to Stuart Anderson who wrote
America's Immigration Problems Won't Solve Themselves, a problem is the low annual quota on
employment based green cards and the per country limits within those quotas. Meaning
immigrants from China and India get a harder time because they have to wait an exponentially
longer time, almost around 10 years or potentially much more. Another problem that may arise
for immigrants that are already living in the United States would be to bring their children here.
Due to the upgrades in border security they aren’t allowed to leave and come back with their
kids as easily as they did the first time. Several times they have to leave their kids in the hands of
a smuggler or somebody whom can sneak them inside of the United States undetected.

Based on the research that I’ve conducted, I can conclude this essay by saying that it
doesn’t matter who, or why someone would want to enter the United States, the problem isn’t
getting in, it’s more getting to, they have to embark on a long, challenging, tedious journey that
not many make it through, encountering criminals, natural disasters, and others along the way.

Grammar

2. Check your essay for grammatical errors. Highlight or underline any parts of your essay that
should be corrected.

o Look for incorrect uses of "who" and "whom."

o Look for incorrect uses of "affect" and effect."

o Look for sentences that are not using proper parallel structure.
 Correct the grammatical errors you identified and place your revised essay here.

Immigrants have to go through things that nobody would ever want to go through in
their life. People can try to enter illegally into a country for a majority of reasons, to find or
engage in paid work, to find better living conditions, to reunite with family (like Enrique from
Enrique’s Journey did), or to simply just find a better life, the reasons are virtually endless. The
issue is making the trip itself, some issues that people may encounter along the way are not only
natural problems, like extreme weather conditions, and other natural disasters, but it may be
people as well. On the way to a better life, immigrants my encounter, bandits, thieves, corrupt
police officers, gangsters, and immigration services that will most likely send them back to
where they began.

Immigrants face several problems as they attempt to make it into a better life. Everyday
illegal immigrants get caught, on the way, or in the United States, and they end up getting
deported, if they end up getting deported they sometimes can’t even afford another trip back to
America or back to the border. In the article In Crisis, Greece Rounds up Immigrants written by
Costas Kantouris, which I recently read, it spoke of an immigration problem in Athens Greece.
The article spoke of how there were “roundups” of the immigrants on the street. The majority
of them were cuffed and treated unfairly and cruelly. They were being lined up to be into
detention leading to an eventual deportation at times. The numbers were incredible, the police
in Athene’s apprehended nearly 7,000 people and 1,700 were going to get deported.
Deportation wasn’t the only thing the immigrants had to deal with, they had to live through
the horrors of racism. Every day it was racial profiling, prejudice, discrimination, and severely
unfair treatment. As I continued to read through the article I ended up reading about what the
police would do to the immigrants. Instead of protecting them and advocating racism, the police
officers would beat them, degrade them, and give them terrible treatment due to the color of
their skin.

Adults aren’t the only immigrants to illegally cross borders though. There is an
alarming rate of young children, and teenagers attempting to illegally cross the border to find
their parents. A recent article that I’ve read called Surge in child immigrants stresses support
network which was also written by Fox News, reports that from October 2011 through March,
there was 5252 children who landed in U.S. Custody, each of those children didn’t have a
guardian or a single parent with them. According to Fox News, and their statistics, that’s a 93%
increase from 2010. The numbers don’t lie, in March of 2011 alone there were 1,390 children
arrivals. At times though children come for more reasons than just finding their parents. They
come from all around the world, and South America, just to find more opportunities in the
United States. At times they make the journey to send money to their home, to escape violence
in their homeland, or just a chance for a better life.

At times you always hear about the immigrants that are outside of the United States,
but what about the ones that are already in the country? America has several problems with
immigrants that are already here. Which are sometimes unfair to the immigrants. At times
people really have to consider if it’s worth coming to America, people don’t really have the same
fair opportunities as others, why you ask? Well according to Stuart Anderson who wrote
 America's Immigration Problems Won't Solve Themselves, a problem is the low annual quota on
employment based green cards and the per country limits within those quotas. Meaning
immigrants from China and India get a harder time because they have to wait an exponentially
longer time, almost around 10 years or potentially much more. Another problem that may arise
for immigrants that are already living in the United States would be to bring their children here.
Due to the upgrades in border security they aren’t allowed to leave and come back with their
kids as easily as they did the first time. Several times they have to leave their kids in the hands of
a smuggler or somebody whom can sneak them inside of the United States undetected.

Based on the research that I’ve conducted, I can conclude this essay by saying that it
doesn’t matter who, or why someone would want to enter the United States, the problem isn’t
getting in, it’s more getting to, they have to embark on a long, challenging, tedious journey that
not many make it through, encountering criminals, natural disasters, and others along the way.

Transitions

4. In your revised essay above, highlight the transitions you used. Based on your highlighting, what
can you do to improve your transitions? Do you need to: include transitions, use more advanced
transitions, or revise some of your transitions in different ways?

My essay will be improved if I fix the transitions because it will allow for a smoother, more
fluent read.

Use the transition sheet to help you revise your transitions. Paste your revised essay
here.

Immigrants have to go through things that nobody would ever want to go through in
their life. People can try to enter illegally into a country for a majority of reasons, to find or
engage in paid work, to find better living conditions, to reunite with family (like Enrique from
Enrique’s Journey did), or to simply just find a better life, the reasons are virtually endless. The
issue is making the trip itself, some issues that people may encounter along the way are not only
natural problems, like extreme weather conditions, and other natural disasters, but it may be
people as well. On the way to a better life, immigrants my encounter, bandits, thieves, corrupt
police officers, gangsters, and immigration services that will most likely send them back to
where they began.

Immigrants face several problems as they attempt to make it into a better life. Everyday
illegal immigrants get caught, on the way, or in the United States, and they end up getting
deported, if they end up getting deported they sometimes can’t even afford another trip back to
America or back to the border. In the article In Crisis, Greece Rounds up Immigrants written by
Costas Kantouris, which I recently read, it spoke of an immigration problem in Athens Greece.
The article spoke of how there were “roundups” of the immigrants on the street. The majority
of them were cuffed and treated unfairly and cruelly. They were being lined up to be into
detention leading to an eventual deportation at times. The numbers were incredible, the police
in Athene’s apprehended nearly 7,000 people and 1,700 were going to get deported.
Deportation wasn’t the only thing the immigrants had to deal with, they had to live through
the horrors of racism. Every day it was racial profiling, prejudice, discrimination, and severely
unfair treatment. As I continued to read through the article I ended up reading about what the
police would do to the immigrants. Instead of protecting them and advocating racism, the police
officers would beat them, degrade them, and give them terrible treatment due to the color of
their skin.

Adults aren’t the only immigrants to illegally cross borders though. There is an
alarming rate of young children, and teenagers attempting to illegally cross the border to find
their parents. A recent article that I’ve read called Surge in child immigrants stresses support
network which was also written by Fox News, reports that from October 2011 through March,
there was 5252 children who landed in U.S. Custody, each of those children didn’t have a
guardian or a single parent with them. According to Fox News, and their statistics, that’s a 93%
increase from 2010. The numbers don’t lie, in March of 2011 alone there were 1,390 children
arrivals. At times though children come for more reasons than just finding their parents. They
come from all around the world, and South America, just to find more opportunities in the
United States. At times they make the journey to send money to their home, to escape violence
in their homeland, or just a chance for a better life.

At times you always hear about the immigrants that are outside of the United States,
but what about the ones that are already in the country? America has several problems with
immigrants that are already here. Which are sometimes unfair to the immigrants. At times
people really have to consider if it’s worth coming to America, people don’t really have the same
fair opportunities as others, why you ask? Well according to Stuart Anderson who wrote
America's Immigration Problems Won't Solve Themselves, a problem is the low annual quota on
employment based green cards and the per country limits within those quotas. Meaning
immigrants from China and India get a harder time because they have to wait an exponentially
longer time, almost around 10 years or potentially much more. Another problem that may arise
for immigrants that are already living in the United States would be to bring their children here.
Due to the upgrades in border security they aren’t allowed to leave and come back with their
 kids as easily as they did the first time. Several times they have to leave their kids in the hands of
a smuggler or somebody whom can sneak them inside of the United States undetected.

Based on the research that I’ve conducted, I can conclude this essay by saying that it
doesn’t matter who, or why someone would want to enter the United States, the problem isn’t
getting in, it’s more getting to, they have to embark on a long, challenging, tedious journey that
not many make it through, encountering criminals, natural disasters, and others along the way.

Conclusion

6. Copy and paste your concluding paragraph below.

Based on the research that I’ve conducted, I can conclude this essay by saying that it doesn’t
matter who, or why someone would want to enter the United States, the problem isn’t getting
in, it’s more getting to, they have to embark on a long, challenging, tedious journey that not
many make it through, encountering criminals, natural disasters, and others along the way.

7. Review your concluding paragraph:

o Highlight the transition you used to signal closure?

 o Underline where you have synthesized or summarized your main points and their
significance?

o Bold what you have done to challenge your readers.

8. Review your marked concluding paragraph. Revise your conclusion to make it stronger and place
the revision here.

Based on the research that I’ve conducted, I can conclude this essay by saying that it
doesn’t matter who, or why someone would want to enter the United States, the problem isn’t
getting in, it’s more getting to, they have to embark on a long, challenging, tedious journey that
not many make it through, encountering criminals, natural disasters, and others along the way.
Final Read Through - Final Draft

9. Copy and paste your final draft here, including your newly revised conclusion paragraph. Be sure
to include the works cited portion. Read your essay out loud once more to find any last errors to
correct. You are done!

Immigrants have to go through things that nobody would ever want to go through in their life.
People can try to enter illegally into a country for a majority of reasons, to find or engage in paid work,
to find better living conditions, to reunite with family (like Enrique from Enrique’s Journey did), or to
simply just find a better life, the reasons are virtually endless. The issue is making the trip itself, some
issues that people may encounter along the way are not only natural problems, like extreme weather
conditions, and other natural disasters, but it may be people as well. On the way to a better life,
immigrants my encounter, bandits, thieves, corrupt police officers, gangsters, and immigration services
that will most likely send them back to where they began.

Immigrants face several problems as they attempt to make it into a better life. Everyday illegal
immigrants get caught, on the way, or in the United States, and they end up getting deported, if they
end up getting deported they sometimes can’t even afford another trip back to America or back to the
border. In the article In Crisis, Greece Rounds up Immigrants written by Costas Kantouris, which I
recently read, it spoke of an immigration problem in Athens Greece. The article spoke of how there were
“roundups” of the immigrants on the street. The majority of them were cuffed and treated unfairly and
cruelly. They were being lined up to be into detention leading to an eventual deportation at times. The
numbers were incredible, the police in Athene’s apprehended nearly 7,000 people and 1,700 were going
to get deported. Deportation wasn’t the only thing the immigrants had to deal with, they had to live
through the horrors of racism. Every day it was racial profiling, prejudice, discrimination, and severely
unfair treatment. As I continued to read through the article I ended up reading about what the police
would do to the immigrants. Instead of protecting them and advocating racism, the police officers would
beat them, degrade them, and give them terrible treatment due to the color of their skin.

Adults aren’t the only immigrants to illegally cross borders though. There is an alarming rate of
young children, and teenagers attempting to illegally cross the border to find their parents. A recent
article that I’ve read called Surge in child immigrants stresses support network which was also written by
Fox News, reports that from October 2011 through March, there was 5252 children who landed in U.S.
Custody, each of those children didn’t have a guardian or a single parent with them. According to Fox
News, and their statistics, that’s a 93% increase from 2010. The numbers don’t lie, in March of 2011
alone there were 1,390 children arrivals. At times though children come for more reasons than just
finding their parents. They come from all around the world, and South America, just to find more
opportunities in the United States. At times they make the journey to send money to their home, to
escape violence in their homeland, or just a chance for a better life.

At times you always hear about the immigrants that are outside of the United States, but what
about the ones that are already in the country? America has several problems with immigrants that are
already here. Which are sometimes unfair to the immigrants. At times people really have to consider if
it’s worth coming to America, people don’t really have the same fair opportunities as others, why you
ask? Well according to Stuart Anderson who wrote America's Immigration Problems Won't Solve
Themselves, a problem is the low annual quota on employment based green cards and the per country
limits within those quotas. Meaning immigrants from China and India get a harder time because they
have to wait an exponentially longer time, almost around 10 years or potentially much more. Another
problem that may arise for immigrants that are already living in the United States would be to bring
their children here. Due to the upgrades in border security they aren’t allowed to leave and come back
with their kids as easily as they did the first time. Several times they have to leave their kids in the hands
of a smuggler or somebody whom can sneak them inside of the United States undetected.

Based on the research that I’ve conducted, I can conclude this essay by saying that it doesn’t matter
who, or why someone would want to enter the United States, the problem isn’t getting in, it’s more
getting to, they have to embark on a long, challenging, tedious journey that not many make it through,
encountering criminals, natural disasters, and others along the way.