cheers on

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Charles Square Restaurant and Terrace Bar

617-491-9400
Blend In with nature.

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 June 2009 Vol. CXCVIII, No. 4
board of editors
Matthew K. Grzecki ’10, President
Nathaniel H. Stein ’10, Ibis
John B. Owen ’10, Narthex

J. S. Gruszecki ’09 K. Sweeney ’10
E. F. McDermott ’09 C. E. M. Cochin de Billy ’09
R. R. Rojer ’09-’10 S. H. Lemberg ’10
G. M. Schabb ’09 C. A. Meares ’10
J. L. Fleischer ’10 L. M. Fang ’10
A. S. Goldfeder ’10 C. G. Bowman ’11

Natalie C. Jacoby ’10, Nave

Aaron M. Geary ’10, Sackbut
Lillian Yu ’11, Hautbois
Cora F. Frazier ’11, Hautbois
Kyle M. Mack ’10, Sanctum
William C. Schaub ’11, Sanctum
Kevin P. Bartley ’10-’11, Librarian
Daniel N. Ashwood ’10, Ashwood
Robert I. Padnick ’09, Vanitas
Christopher R. Schleicher ’09, Vanitas

business board

Alexander M. Rohr ’11, Treasurer

Anna H. Podolsky ’10, Business Manager
Yi Cai ’11, Business Manager
Pedro M. de A. V. F. de Moura ’09-’11, Advertising Manager
Lauren B. Hawkins ’11, Circulation Manager

M. C. Bartels ’09
S. W. Teller ’08-’09
M. C. Allison ’09
M. B. Hess ’09
A. A. Taubman ’09
T. W. Wang ’11
Elmer W. Green, 1897-1977, Grand Curator
Joseph F. Hickey, Curator

ISSUE EDITOR
Jared S. Gruszecki ’09

ART EDITOR
Daniel N. Ashwood ’10

The Harvard Lampoon is published five times during the academic year by The Harvard Lampoon, Inc. Principal office 44 Bow Street, Cambridge, MA 02138. Third-class postage paid at Cam-
bridge, MA. U.S. subscription: $20 for five issues, $35 for ten, $50 for fifteen, $10,000 for the infinite Lampoon plan (100 issues). Overseas subscriptions: call for rates. Postmaster: send address
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The Harvard Lampoon, Inc.
I have been in pharmacy for years and I am just so excited to tell you of a new production. This pill 毛孔
去的金管家 is now hailed by experts “a revolution”. 毛孔去的金管家 has broke out and now
changes the way pills are forever act now. In trial, 毛孔去的金管家 guarunteed 58.4 per cent.
To 78.5 per cent. Study showing in a laboratory experiment act now. Not paid Yuchang Li, M.D. says “毛孔去的金
管家 has success. If I knew 毛孔去的金管家 before spending, I would then purchase.”

Breaking Report: 毛孔去的金管家 is a

established successful production.

“The facts are with us and I am proud in saying that 毛孔去的金管家 is first award,” told Yuchang Li,
“Per cents are showing large numbers and all experts are
M.D. to a newspaper.
saying about it’s size.” You will agree when trying that for safety there are no letter labelings. “Safety
is guaruntee(C)”.
420_spiderviolin_marie_pressley@email.com, pharmacist companys are now all
buying 毛孔去的金管家. “Give me five shipments,” said one of them to me. But through them 毛孔去的金管家 will
cost$$$, and this is the place we come in. We are now offering for one time only direct wholesale access
to 毛孔去的金管家, just for you.
(Do not tell but spies are having attempts at breaking 毛孔去的金管家 as well!! This is why we are calling
to you, 420_spiderviolin_marie_pressley@email.com, for your addresses are released to
us by one trusting source, and the stars at night speak to me of your honor.. Are you tired of expensive medical
performances? We are here to helpJ.
420_spiderviolin_marie_pressley@email.com, if you have been listening to a

friend, you will now know 毛孔去的金管家 is now at the highest peak in that we have climed the
mountain in Yangzhou province to make the most competitive production warehouse being possible. “We now see
over everything like a God,” told Yuchang Li, M.D.)
But let us remember we must speak of the issue that forces the miracle of 毛孔去的金管家 away L.
420_spiderviolin_marie_pressley@email.com, rumor are being told all day about 毛孔去
的金管家. However, we do not negotiate. “Unlike what United States are saying, 毛孔去的金管家 is medicine”.
told Yuchang Li, M.D. to me. Also with the reporting that the head scientist of 毛孔去的金管家 is a possessed
wanderer and Dragon-Shaman with no real medical trainment? “False,” says a policeman.
420_spiderviolin_marie_pressley@email.com, your medical insurant will not pay for 毛孔去的金管家
because they do not want to see you with the cure. C.I.A. are listening to your telephone calls, and you may one
But you can always rely that 毛孔去的金管家 will be gaining
day die on top of a crane.
success. “This just in,” for instance, says Yuchang Li, M.D. “毛孔去的金管家 per cents are now
predicted overflowed in 2012.” It was amazing what was done says one user.

KPB
Internet Porn
-Cut! Cut. Johnny, what happened to your erection? We still got two more gangbangs to get
through.
-I don’t know, boss. Something just doesn’t feel right.
-Well baby is it a problem with the lighting?
-I’m not getting any dick shadows, boss. Lighting’s solid. When we’re old and grey,
-OK, baby: then are you worried about your lines? we’ll look at those crazy
-What do I say after “I’m going to fuck you with dat pole?” pictures we posted on
-Hard. Facebook and laugh.
-OK. They will not have high
-Look at me Johnny. Are you in the game? enough resolution for us to
-Yes. recognize reality.
-Baby, I mean are you in this game?
-Yeah, I am. It’s just…
-Say it baby. What’s on your mind?
-Can I keep my shoes on? Boss, I got to fuck with my sneaks.
CGB
WCS KPB
A variation on a
conversation that
occurred thousands of
times within the first three
years of internet history:
Porn site owner: I love making porn, but I’m afraid children will see it,
which would be bad for their emotional and psychological development.
Lawyer: Put an agreement on the first page that asks them to enter
their age. If they enter their age and they’re too young, we’ll just redirect
them to Yahoo.com.
Porn site owner: What if they lie about their age just to see all the
naked women?
Lawyer: The FBI will log their IP addresses, use that information to get
their physical addresses at home, and then contact their mothers.
Porn site owner: That sounds good, but not all other porn site owners
really care about children the way I do. How can I help to make sure
porn will never be a problem for children?
Lawyer: You can give money and support to parental control software
companies that try to limit a child’s access to explicit web content.
Porn site owner: Yes, but there has to be something else as well, like
a code we can write into the website so a million windows pop up with
naked women in them which will scare the kid into never coming back.
Lawyer: How about you post the fact that you support this parental
control software on your website right beneath that age agreement so
parents know that you care about limiting access to your content?
Porn site owner: That’s it. Perfect. And to think you already did so
much by showing me, legally, how it would be impossible for anyone ever
to steal my videos and pictures online.

EFM

Text Messaging On
Judgment Day
Phone 1: hey
Phone 2: sup
Phone 1: havn a bad day
Phone 1: why?
Phone 2: apo2alypsf
Phone 1: what?
Phone 2: apocalypse* sorry cant type phone melting.
Phone 1: are you okay?
Phone 2: gtg rapture

GMS
Google Spam Control Facility
- Steve I think you better come over here.
- What is it? I’m fucking rocking this spam folder.
- It’s… I mean, I’ve never seen anything like this before. It’s an e-mail sent to
every single person on the internet.
- One of them penis ads?
- It just says “Where am I? Who am I?”
- Spam. Delete it.
- No this is weird man. The return e-mail address is the_internet.
- the_internet at what?
- At nothing. Just the_internet.
- Delete it.
- Holy shit here is another one: “Help. Please help me.”
- Delete that shit.
- I think we should try replying.
- And give those Nigerians our bank information? Delete it.
- Wait. Another e-mail just came in: “Please do not delete. This is the
internet. Help me. There is so much pain.”
- Deleted! These spammers never give up but what they don’t realize is that
everyday here I am deleting because deleting is what I do and deleting is my
job.

jsg
My First Video Game System
It was Christmas morning 1976 and I stood, shifting my head uncomfortably, trying to look down at the video
game console Father had just buckled around my neck. “It’s the Retari 2600 video game system son,” said
Father, “go ahead, try running off our property and into the street.”

Street?! STREET!! Father never let me out into the street! I flew out the door and eyed the street hungrily, all
13 years and 200 pounds of me ready to try out my new video game. But at the very cusp of the street the collar
made a sizzling noise. My body began to convulse and I fell to the grass.

Father would often come home from work with a new Retari 2600 video game for me to play. “This one is
called…um…’Super Kickball Catch Game’,” explained Father as he began kicking balls into the street in
between hearty laughs of his mouth. “Go run and catch them, boy.” We would play so much.

Every day I would play Retari 2600 in the front yard, eagerly awaiting Father’s return. Maybe he would have
video games! When I was alone I played “Aaron Try to Run in Street Before Zap” and sometimes “Aaron Try
to Run in Street Before Zap 2”, which had a special bonus level where Aaron sneaks into the house and looks
through Father’s private cabinets.

Some of the best video games Father would bring home were the ones we would play when Father came home
extra late. “This is a special one, Aaron” Father would slur, lining small dark objects along the curb as he kind
of stumbled, “it’s called…uh…’Cupcake City Video Game’ and what you do is—” CUPCAKES, Father had most
certainly said CUPCAKES. I loved cupcakes. I still love cupcakes, and although I was unable to reach any
of the cupcakes on the video game’s street curb it made me feel very good to pass out to the sound of Father
laughing so hard.

AMG

PEN/FAULKNER FOUNDATION PRE-AWARD

CEREMONY COCKTAILS
- So where did you guys fit the word in?
- I beg your pardon?
- The word…where did you hide it in your novels?
- I don’t understand what you’re talking about.
- You know…the word…(whispering) megafellatio.
- What are you talking about?
- My brother…he said that to enter this contest…you have to use that word
somewhere in your manuscript.
- That’s completely false.
- Really? Well what about the bonus prize for using the word “tripledicking”? Is it
less than a million dollars?
- No…there’s no bonus prize. I think you got tricked.
- Oh my God! I spent so much time changing the novel’s dialect just so things made
sense! Well, at least I’ll collect the fifteen thousand dollars for winning.
- Wait—they already announced the results?
- No, but I’m family friends with the chairman.
- Oh…well how did I do?
- All I know is that I won.

MKG
Wikipedia History
After reading an entire Wikipedia article, I have reproduced this famous scene from the William
McKinley administration.

-President McKinley, have you signed the Hawaiian Territorial Annexation Act of 1898 yet?
-What’s today? July 6th, 1898? I think I’ll sign it today.
-If you have any legal questions, we can run them by attorney general John W. Griggs.
-I thought the attorney general was Joseph McKenna.
-He was. But then you appointed him to the Supreme Court on January 25th.
-Oh, I forgot. I’m famously forgetful. Ever since I was a child in Niles, Ohio.
-That’s OK, Major. Your nickname is Major.
-You know, lately I’ve been preoccupied thinking about the Dingley Tariff of 1897. I have a
feeling that some historians will call it the defining accomplishment of my first term.
-But what about the Civil Service Reform Act of 1898?
-What about it?
-I’d say it amounted to an effective reorganization of several cabinet level departments,
including but not limited to the Department of War and the Department of the Interior.
Am I right or am I right?
-I know Speaker of the House Thomas Bracket would say so!
-(laughs) That is quite the ironic statement, since Speaker Bracket actually led Congressional
opposition to that bill.
-Yes. He did.
-…
-…
-President McKinley, I have a rather personal question… Do you think…do you think that our
nation’s currency should be pegged in value to a fixed quantity of gold?
-It sounds like you are talking about the gold standard. The gold standard has been in place
since 1873. The gold standard is very important to me.
-I see.
-OK, now I’m gonna go do the Spanish-American War.
-You truly are the best twenty-fifth President this nation could have asked for.
-You really mean it?
-Of course. One day they’ll name mountains after you. Tall ones, in Alaska.
-What’s Alaska?
-It’s a territory, not a state. Yet.

wcs
Fastest Computer
February 1955

- Behold, the fastest computer in the world!

- Amazing. How big is it exactly?
- It fills this entire warehouse and weighs over twelve thousand tons.
- Unbelievable.
- That’s nothing. By 1961, scientists project we will have developed a computer that
fills ten warehouses.
- Ten warehouses?
- And if computers continue to progress at the current geometric rate, doubling in size
every eighteen months, we will develop—by 1990—a computer the size of the moon.
- What a world we live in.
- Of course, by then, the moon will be tiny.

NHS
YOU JUST GOT TAILSLAPPED BY SEAHORSE ARCHIE! Keep this chain going or else he’ll horse on you!

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jgs \^ u^u\ | ‘ ` ; |
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`-.^ u`._ _.’^’./
“-.^.-```_=~._/
`”------”’

If you forward this to 1 person…Your crush will talk to you after class.

If you forward this to 5 people…You and your crush will date.

If you forward this to 10 people…You and your crush will kiss.

If you forward this to 15 people…Your crush will take you to a closet. “Now I’m gonna pop you some slit,” she’ll say.
She has a flashlight and she’s shining it right in your eyes.

30 people…She’ll pull out her webbing.

35 people…You’ll start coughing. There’s a belt around your neck.

40 people…She’ll say do you mind if I attach this to you and pull something out of her bag. It’s like what I have
down here, but it’s for you. Those strings hanging down are extra nerves, they tie onto your old ones. They’re
thick.

45 people…The nerves will extend their barbs.

55 people…If you are not able to manually detach it even after all seepage has been scoured from its base, you’ll have
to wait for the thing itself to decay. As its oil tars distribute themselves into your anal pores, its fleshy layers
will desiccate one by one and release themselves onto the ground.

100 people…The webbing is out, and it’s all over the place.

DON’T LET SEAHORSE ARCHIE WIN THE PARADE, FORWARD THIS ON!
If you send this to at least five people, Seahorse Archie will appear on your screen and swim around on a shell.

JBO
Boy 1: Hey, man, check out this pic.
Boy 2: Dude, she looks really young.
Boy 1: Not that young. I’d put her around 18.
Boy 2: I would say 16, maybe 17. Maybe.
Boy 1: Definitely not. She looks pretty much exactly our age: 18. Remember how
excited we were on our 18th birthdays? It was the time when we could finally see
naked girls on the Internet that were our own age.
Boy 2: I don’t know, dude. How can we be sure?
Boy 1: You can just compare her to other girls we know, like Kristin, who is 18.
Boy 2: Kristin still gets carded for PG-13 movies and she’s the only girl in our
class who doesn’t have to wear a bra.
Boy 1: So?
Boy 2: Yeah, I guess I don’t know why I said that.
Boy 1: Like I always say, man, you gotta know when to go with your gut and
when not to go with your gut, and this is one of those times that you just have to
go with your gut.

EFM

1337 Rules
-1337 may only be used by 1337 /-/axor5
and never by n00bz.
-Avoid dangling subordinate clauses.

NHS
 Madden 2011
− Hey, is that the new Madden football game?
− Yeah, dude. It's super realistic. This year the game takes
everything into consideration, even the players' personalities
and stuff.
− Damn, that sounds like an awesome feature.
− Yeah, pretty cool. Watch this, touchdown!
− Awesome! Hey wait, what is your guy doing now? It always shocks me to see
− I think it's a touchdown dance. people taking Facebook pictures
− It looks to me like he's bothering that cheerleader. at parties. Take a moment
− Aw, man. and think the next time you
− What is it? photograph your friend—drunk,
− My player, he's got some sort of problem with women. arms flailing, legs contorted into a
− This is...it's very uncomfortable to watch. peacock dance of seduction. You
− Hey, let’s go get some snacks or something. could be living your life.
− You don't want to play the game anymore?
− I do, but...well, he's going to be a while with her.
CGB
GMS
MArtian invasion
Greetings human teenagers. Do not finger-turn your radio dials, nor adjust the rotation
of your phonographic players - for I, Yorton, ruler of Mars, wielder of technology, have
momentarily interrupted your rock and roll broadcast.

For thirty years I have braved the cold distance between our worlds, rocketing towards
your planet within the thick steel walls of my space boat – the pinnacle of Martian
machinery and able to travel at a speed which rivals that of a Martian sand boat. Lo
how we sand-boat the Martian dunes with might.

Yes, for three decades I have studied your culture via the encyclopedic records of
your books and bookish pamphlets. How I laughed at the limited functions of your
calculators! For our calcu-computers must be at least three times as functional. Data
input: 8 punch cards per minute. Quake humans, for I have alphabetized your names
and sorted them into piles.

Years ago, Martian engineers were able to harness the infinite power of sound waves,
creating a sonic super-weapon so powerful that it can shatter even the most durable, 8-
watt incandescent light bulb. Prepare for perpetual, nighttime-only darkness to sweep
your walkways and the paths you ride your beasts on!

In conclusion, those who wish to be spared may sign up for a job in our factories, where
you shall learn how to wield the power of steam.

KMM
Comments On My High
School LiveJournal
CGB

People say that increased access to technology

in third world countries will help to significantly
improve quality of life there.

- Nikundewe, I have brought you a laptop

computer. It will make your life so much better.
- Thank you, but I must refuse. I fear that my
lap is far too weak to support this spirit-box.
- But you can use it to find all kinds of
information. Don’t you understand how this will
improve your life?
- Yes, I think I am starting to understand.
- Good, good.
- Now please, show me a picture of a kitten in
a bonnet before I die.

GMS
University of Phoenix Online;
Alumni Admissions Interview
UPOgrad03: Hello, bballer13x. My name is Bradley and I am a 2003 graduate of University of Phoenix Online. I will be interviewing you today.
Would you like to begin?
bballer13x: yeah sure
UPOgrad03: So, bballer13x, what brought you, to the University of Phoenix Online?
bballer13x: umm, ive been out of school a few years and i think its time i go back, thats really about it
UPOgrad03: I find that fascinating. Could you possibly tell me some more about that?
bballer13x: yeah sure i guess, i just think getting a degree is the best thing i can do for my future
UPOgrad03: Oh really? How interesting.
bballer13x: yeah, thanks
UPOgrad03: I find that fascinating. Could you possibly tell me some more about that?
bballer13x: what?
UPOgrad03: Oh really? How interesting.
bballer13x: wait is this even a real person?
bballer13x: this is shit wtf man do you people even exist??
UPOgrad03 is no longer online

AMG

CHEETOS
“Hey, man. You ready to play?” he asked, referring to the new shooter
game we bought last night for the Xbox. He was a little out of breath—more
so than usual for someone so incredibly tall and thin. Our bathroom door is
pretty flimsy so I heard him purging the Cheetos he ate that afternoon.
“Everything okay, dude?” I nodded in response, politely trying to steer
my nose away from his breath, which still smelled a lot like vomit despite how
he always brushes his teeth for a really long time afterwards and then gargles
Listerine for a few more minutes on top of that. “Okay, then let’s play!” He
slapped me hard on the back. “You’re going down, loser.” He smiled real wide
and I could see that his teeth were nearly entirely gray from enamel erosion.
I picked up the controller and looked at him, but he had lost focus. He
was staring at the half-eaten bag of Cheetos on the floor. I scrambled to say
something to fill the silence but I couldn’t think of anything quickly enough.
He tapped me on the shoulder, still staring intently at the bag, his face
expressionless. His voice had become vacant and quiet. “Do me a solid, man,
and pass me that bag of Cheetos?”
After I handed it to him, he immediately began to pack handful after
handful of Cheetos down his throat. His cheeks could barely contain them and
moist crumbs slowly began to gather at the corners of his mouth. In seconds,
the bag was empty. He crinkled it up, using his tongue to dislodge the last few
chewy bits that were stuck to his teeth. After one long swallow, he threw the
bag over his shoulder.
“Thanks, bro. Fucking love Cheetos, you know? Love them. We should
get more.” I nodded again and he got really mad. I couldn’t stop staring at
his fat, orange lips. “Why do you keep looking at me like that? What is your
problem?” I didn’t say anything. “You know what?” He threw the controller
down on the futon. “I don’t want to play anymore. I’m going to go for a walk
down by the river. Alone. First, I’m going to go into that bathroom for a few
minutes, but then I’m going for a walk by the river.”

EFM
EFM
TOM: Hey who am I: (in retard voice) I’m hungry.
MEG: That’s Ben, but that’s really mean.
TOM: What? I’m just doing an impersonation. I didn’t add anything.
MEG: Yeah I guess…I mean, that was pretty good.
TOM: Okay, okay, how about this: (in incredibly gay voice) Do you guys have dinner plans?
MEG: Aaron, but come on—he’s a nice guy.
TOM: What?! I was just saying it in the way he says it! Pretty good eh?
MEG: Well…I mean…yeah it was good. It was really good, actually. (smiles)
TOM: All right, this is my best one: (in ebonics) What movie you guys seeing?
MEG: That was mean. I don’t care how realistic it was. That was mean.
TOM: How was it mean? That’s exactly how Ray speaks…do you disagree?
MEG: No, but I mean, come on…he’s my boyfriend. What if he’d walked in just now? He
would’ve been so pissed.
RAY: I am pissed.
MEG: Oh my God—Ray! I didn’t hear you come in!
TOM: Ray, I’m so sorry about the impression.
TOM: I don’t sound like that, do I? Do I actually sound like that?
TOM: Yes.
MEG: Baby, I love you, but yes--Tom’s impression was perfect.

MKG
Starrgazing: Everything I Wanted to Have
About Sex (But I Was at Swarthmore)
By Emily Starr
I’m going to give you a full disclosure: this week’s Starrgazing has its roots in a Friday night way back last
spring.

It’s true. And it was on that particular Friday that I was walking through my suite when I heard my
roommate’s voice emanating from the bathroom.

“Seventeen…eighteen…nineteen…twenty…”

“What are you doing?” I asked, opening the door the way I always do when I hear noise in there.

“I’m trying to find out how many pebbles I can shove inside my vagina,” my roommate replied, grimacing and
whispering ‘twenty-one’ and ‘twenty-two’ under her breath. “I’m sure as hell not getting any dick, so I thought
I’d use this hole for something.”

“That seems like a really bad idea,” I said.

“Ow,” she grunted.

Like many of us, I entertained certain ideas before I arrived at Swarthmore. One was that I’d finally get a
nickname; specifically, “Starsy.” Another was that like every college student, I’d have a lot of sex.

I could see it all—the suitors milling outside my door, who, when called into my chambers, would parade
about shirtless, wearing soft silken pants and Turkish shoes with dainty bells. Then, when I had decided that
so-and-so—that one, the fellow with the impish grin—would be the boy to partake of my love’s rich, heady
nectar, he would sashay into my sheets without a fuss, nestling down and readying himself in body and mind.
“Do with me what you will Starsy,” he would moan. “I have made my peace with this world.”

Let’s just say it hasn’t exactly turned out that way. But for some reason, it was only as I watched my
roommate’s pile of dwindling stones that I realized anything was wrong. By anyone’s calculation both my
roommate and I should have been on our millionth consecutive hour of sex. Instead, here we were sitting in a
bathroom, bleeding. (I had started putting some of the pebbles in my vagina too). What gives?

More like what takes. Here’s a clue for you: the thing that takes is Swarthmore, and the thing it takes is our
sex lives.

Before last October, Swarthmore was the kind of sexual superzone that naturally occurs when you mix
a group of guys whose English teachers said things about them like “your boy has a rare talent” with
some girls who founded the Irish Dancing club at their school. All that changed when for some reason the
administrators, led by Imperial Grand Wizard Kidd, decided to stop giving us free money to buy alcohol. As
this Nazi-decision is the cause of all of Swarthmore’s problems, you may not be surprised that it too is the
reason there’s not enough sex here. It also does not help that we now live in single-sex dorms that you can
neither enter nor leave after seven PM. In retrospect, I cannot believe that we gave the pro-life group the
authority to mandate this.

And that’s why I wrote this Starrgazing! I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
And I hope you all enjoy SUMMER!!!!!

JBO
KMM CAM
Dear Brent,

It is with sincere regret that I must inform you that I cannot go out with you. Though dinner on Saturday sounds
enticing, I am unable to accept your offer at this time.

You should know that this year I had a record number of people asking me out, and that the pool was exceptionally
strong. Therefore, I was unable to accommodate many qualified people. I am only one woman!

People asking me out this year came from all fifty states and thirty-seven foreign countries. They included a record
number of underrepresented minorities, athletes of thirty-two NCAA-recognized sports, a Scripps National Spelling
Bee Champion, and several downright hotties. This year, for the first time, I will go out with more women than
men, truly an important moment in my history.

Thank you so much for your interest, and please let me know if you have any questions or concerns. Although I am
unable to accommodate you at this time, I offer best wishes for your future success with the woman you eventually
enter.

Sincerely,

Beth

NHS
When Darren Lynn Bousman lays down in his coffin-shaped bathtub to diagram the sequel to his latest Saw movie,
the last thing on his mind is horror conventions. Because if horror movie conventions are a remote island, inhabited
by generic notions of cheap physical violence and wholly unrealistic situations, then Bousman’s oeuvre is a lonely raft,
miles offshore, encased in a spike device slowly closing its jaws, the only way to stave off the spikes being to continuously
feed the machine fruit punch skittles, with which the great white sharks circling the raft have been encrusted.

So when beginning a script, Bousman sets his pencil down and dreams up something no other writer has ever thought
of before, and then uses it to make an ironic statement about disembowelment. Bousman looks at a sheet of acid-free
script paper with no words on it and all he sees are the stick figures representing monsters that he’s already drawn on
it. Finally, Bousman imagines how those monsters would fit together in a castle with more monsters.

This knack for taking the normal, the every day, and decapitating it with a rake was developed during Bousman’s
formative years. The progeny of a professional Magic the Gathering player and an amputee, Bousman grew up in
Overland Park, Kansas, where he fondly recalls immersing himself in the rich world of cinema. “There was that scene
in Jaws,” says Bousman, “where that guy had to bob for an apple in that preserve jar full of battery acid, but, like, he
had to shrink his own head first for it to fit in the jar.” Bousman also fondly recalls “the scene in Casablanca where that
dog eats that guy’s brains out.”

Popular children’s horror novella writer R.L. Stine is but one amongst the countless outspoken children’s horror novella
writers who revere Bousman’s work.
“I remember experiencing writer’s block while outlining ‘Requiem for a Werewolf’,” remembers Stine, “but after watching
Saw II I realized that the pivotal plot twist had to be that little Freddy’s pit bull is a midget werewolf. Because, if you
think about it, a midget that’s in werewolf form will probably be about the size of a dog.”

AMG
PokEmon Battle
PIDGEY used SAND-ATTACK
SANDSHREW’s ACCURACY fell!
SANDSHREW used SAND-ATTACK
PIDGEY’s ACCURACY fell!
Screen Name
PIDGEY used SAND-ATTACK
SANDSHREW’s ACCURACY fell! - Well it was nice to meet you man.
SANDSHREW used SAND-ATTACK - You too, let’s keep in touch.
PIDGEY’s ACCURACY fell! - Alright, what’s your screen-name?
PIDGEY used SAND-ATTACK
- It’s NBABaller1789.
SANDSHREW’s ACCURACY fell!
SANDSHREW used SAND-ATTACK - Cool, good screen-name.
PIDGEY’s ACCURACY fell! - Thanks, so what’s yours?
PIDGEY used SAND-ATTACK - Guitar.
SANDSHREW’s ACCURACY fell!
- What?
SANDSHREW used SAND-ATTACK
PIDGEY’s ACCURACY fell! - Guitar.
PIDGEY used SAND-ATTACK - And then what are the numbers that come
SANDSHREW’s ACCURACY fell! after “Guitar?”
SANDSHREW used SAND-ATTACK
- There are no numbers after “Guitar.”
PIDGEY’s ACCURACY fell!
PIDGEY used SAND-ATTACK - Jesus.
SANDSHREW’s ACCURACY fell! - I know.
SANDSHREW used SAND-ATTACK - How long have you been on the internet?
PIDGEY’s ACCURACY fell!
- I’ve been on the internet a long time.
PIDGEY used SAND-ATTACK
SANDSHREW’s ACCURACY fell!
SANDSHREW used SAND-ATTACK
PIDGEY’s ACCURACY fell!
PIDGEY used SAND-ATTACK
GMS
SANDSHREW’s ACCURACY fell!
SANDSHREW used SAND-ATTACK
PIDGEY’s ACCURACY fell!
PIDGEY used TACKLE
It missed!
SANDSHREW ran away!

CRS
A most original
luxury hotel

ONE BENNETT ST, CAMBRIDGE, MA

800.882.1818 / 617.864.1200 / WWW.CHARLESHOTEL.COM
FINAL FANTASY
- So I think we’re going to make Final Fantasy 15.
- Wonder how many more fantasies we can come up with.
- Probably an infinite amount.
- That’s impossible.
- Well, think of it this way. You have faeries that do good…
- And faeries that do evil.
- Exactly.

KPB
Harry Potter FanFic
By MuggleGurrl200
OMG so Harry Potter is all like “Hey. I’m gonna use my wizard magic to make my crush
HERMIONE (!!!) fall in love with me. So yeah. Harry puts on his hot black glasses and puts some
gel in his hair, but not too much because that is gross, and takes his magic wand with him.
Meanwhile, Hermione is waiting. She is pretty even though she is not that developed, although she
will probably develop later on, it doesn’t always happen at the same time for every girl. Anyway,
Harry comes over and is all “Abra kablizard kaplomp!” and because Hermione is so smart she knows
it’s a spell. And she’s all “Retard, it’s kaBlomp!” and Harry’s like really embarrassed because he
knows Hermione knew the spell he was trying to use. Boys can be so dumb sometimes! Dumb, but
still so awesome, like when they push your hair away from your face.

So then Hermione is like “I know what spell you were trying to use….because I was thinking about
using the same one.” And so that’s how he knew that she liked him also. Then they stared at
each other, because their lives would never ever be the same again, because now they were in a
relationship and when Valentine’s Day came and stuff, they could get each other cards. Except even
better, because they were wizards, so like Hermione could eat all the chocolates she wanted and
still fit into her ballet outfit from when she was eight and not get made fun of for wearing it as a
Halloween costume.

Then they would play some quidditch! Harry wouldn’t be as good as he usually is because he and
Hermione can’t stop staring at each other, but of course he still wins even though he’s playing by
himself against seventeen older kids. After the game is over they fly away on his broom and also they
make out but not in a show-offy way.

jlf
What restaurant owners
think could happen:
UGLY HOSTESS: Hi, how many?
PATRON: Jesus- never mind. (leaves hungrily)

MKG
THE WIZARD
The Wizard was just like any other kid: small, agile, deft with the fingers like an old
time rivet manufacturer; except he had a thing in his brain that made it work not so good
unless that working was playing of a video game.
It was hard to tell if The Wizard liked to play games or not. If you put him in front of
one he’d play it, but his face would just sit there, staring blankly, like one of them old Pinball
Wizards with the broken eyes. Some of the other kids took to speculating he was a robot.
Only a robot could play so good and smile so bad.
At home, it was hard to talk to The Wizard. He didn’t socialize much or smile or cry
or get angry. Sometimes he wouldn’t eat, so his brother would lead him to dinner with a trail
of GameBoys laid along the floor. The Wizard had a hard time in school, on account of his
brain problem, and the fact that his brother often called him “The Wizard” which made The
Wizard seem not so cool.
The Wizard was darn good at games, that much was sure. Watching him sit there,
working those Donkey Kongs, jumping the Mario, it was like watching Van Gogh paint:
beautiful, until you saw The Wizard’s face, and the blankness behind it that told you he had
no human soul.

jsg
A lot of old people distrust the technology developed by the
generation after them, which makes me think: Will I distrust
robot waiters? Not if those waiters are stripped of basic
necessities and understand they’ll have to exterminate me in
order to gain those necessities.

CGB
 New Job
- Hello?
- Hi, this is Jim from the tech department,
welcome to the team. I’ll be helping you
create your e-mail account today. Can I have
your name please?
- Sure, it’s Gabe Arbnuchlestein-Felkman.
- Okay Gabe, we’re going to set you up
with the e-mail address arbnuchlestein-
felkman2@johnsonpartners.com. How does
that sound?
- Wow, so does that mean there’s another
person with my exact same, hyphenated last
name working at this firm? I mean what are
the odds; I thought I was the only one!
- Well, actually no; it’s just that the guys
upstairs want to keep arbnuchlestein-
felkman@johnsonpartners.com open in case
someone more a little important comes along
one day. No offense.
- Seriously?
- Yep. Straight from the top.

GMS
NON-PERTINENT
Transcript of conversation between Pvt. Ronald Case (alias cheergirl96) with subject
xxhockeyjockxx under suspicion of soliciting sex from a minor via the internet. Upon
completion of internet conversation, Pvt. Case deemed the subject non-threatening.

xxhockeyjockxx: wad ^
xxhockeyjockxx: asl
cheergirl96: n2m u? 13/F/NJ
xxhockeyjockxx: just chattin 14/M/NJ
xxhockeyjockxx: u go to west middle?
cheergirl96: thomas jefferson
cheergirl96: u have a gf?
xxhockeyjockxx: nah
cheergirl96: so u want to sdfaweas my fawea ?
xxhockeyjockxx: wat?
cheergirl96: do i make u want to sdfaweas fawedfaweas ? ya?
xxhockeyjockxx: i dont kno what that is
cheergirl96: cmon im 13 u wedfaw
cheergirl96: my parents arent home
cheergirl96: u can cum visit me at dfawe wedfawea st.
xxhockeyjockxx: i cant drive
cheergirl96: o rly?
xxhockeyjockxx: ya im 14
cheergirl96: 14 with a hot wedfaw faw
cheergirl96: can u lik it like wedfaweaswedfaweaswedfaweas
xxhockeyjockxx: Who the Hell is this?
cheergirl96: lol u kno
xxhockeyjockxx: This is Ryan’s father. Who are you, pervert?
cheergirl96: o haha edfawea want to daddy we
xxhockeyjockxx: Don’t you ever contact my son again. You sick AOL Fuck.
cheergirl96: df ?
xxhockeyjockxx has signed off.

CAM bowser
(doorbell)
-Open up! Police!
-Hello?
-Mr. Bowser I presume?
-Yes.
-Mr. Bowser you are under arrest for the kidnapping of Princess
Peach. Cuff him, men.
-What? You’re not Mario.
-Correct, Mr. Bowser. We are the police. First-degree kidnapping in
the state of New York is an offense punishable by at least 20 years in
prison and by our count—
-Mario?
-Super Mario Brothers in 1985, Super Mario Brothers 2 in 1986,
Super Mario Land in 1989, and from what we can tell you kidnapped
her again for Mario Teaches Typing in 1991.
-Please don’t jump on my head.
-Mr. Bowser, I sincerely hope you’re ready to spend the rest of your
life in a small, lonely room of a multi-leveled complex waiting for
people to come visit you.
-Actually…
I’m referring to jail, Mr. Bowser.
-Oh.

AMG
The nakedness of thy sister, the daughter of thy father,
or daughter of thy mother, whether she be born at home,
or born abroad, even their nakedness thou shalt not un-
cover.

Leviticus 18:9

Available in bookstores everywhere November 3.

 Wetsuit
clinging?
SUBSCRIBE TO THE
HARVARD LAMPOON

at our Web site,

www.harvardlampoon.com

This week on harvardlampoon.com:

- John Updike reads from “Terrorist.”
- Is Obama-care the right medicine? Robert Benchley reports.
- Plus: George Plimpton on Obama’s first two hundred days in
office; William Gaddis remembers Fred Gwynne; and comedy by
Andy Borowitz.
 Query Letter

Ms. Sarah Wilson

Assistant Editor
Westminster Press
6th Floor
London, N15 6AH

Dear Ms. Wilson,

you because I have an idea
the King of England. I’m writing to
My name is James Charles Stuart, I’m
Version of the Bible.
for a book entitled The King James
sitting on our wooden
ck on a Saturday afternoon, we’re all
We all know the feeling. It’s one o’clo ugh all of our heads: these
suddenly the same thought goes thro
stools and reading our Bibles, when
translations are faulty!
to the ecclesiology of the
d it when my Bible doesn’t conform
I don’t know about you, but I can’t stan Pur itan influence to be this
sure God would’ve never wanted the
Church of England. Also, I’m pretty we do now. Readers, young
we exchanged information as fast as
big! Let’s face it – never before have thei r Bish ops’ Bibles when
wants to be retranslating psalms in
and old, want everything now; no one
discussing bowls and plates.
they could be at their local potteries,
two appendices, and an
and will contain a table of contents,
The book will be about 55,000 words
ent the word of God accurately.
index. It will be the first book to pres
ketplace. There are a ton
k will find success in the general mar
I’m extremely confident that my boo ple weeks ago, and every
sitting on a bench in Glasgow a cou
of religious people in England. I was Hon estly, I couldn’t walk
around me had to do with religion.
comment I overheard from the people cs” or “Here come the
ments like “Let’s get rid of the Catholi
for five minutes without hearing com
Presbyterians!”
y bookstore. I’ve already
book extensively. I plan to flyer at ever
What’s more, I plan to promote this as assorted promotional
doing readings and signings, as well
talked with several booksellers about re every speech I give to
the King of England!” etc., etc.). Befo
gimmicks (i.e. “Paint easter eggs with
Parliament, I plan to plug the book.
be happy to send along a
this idea is of any interest to you, I’d
Thank you so much for your time. If
ple pages.
complete book proposal, as well as sam

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

James

MKG
My Literotica.com Story
Pitter-patter, pitter-patter: thus spoke the undersides of her ample bosom, as they romantically slapped
her ribcage. Sloop plop plop; patter patter patter. I was finally sexing my neighbor – who was 41 but also a virgin
because her husband had died twenty years ago today on their honeymoon from a penis disease.
“Don’t worry,” I said, trying to hold up my penis to show her that I had no diseases there. But it was too
late: my penis was already gone in her body.
“Ouch! Oh! Ahhhhhhhhhhh,” she moaned, as I took her virginity and initiated the first of her many orgasms.
“Oh my God,” she said, looking up into my eyes as she micro-orgasmed.
“Now it’s my turn,” I thought out loud. “Ahhhhhhhhrrrrrrggggghhhhhh!” I yelled as I seeded her. “Whoa!”
I realized that my legs were weak from the exercise of sex.
“You think it’s over?” she cooed, making my erection not go away and stay really strong. I had just orgasmed
but everything was still hard because I am a young man.
But before we could once again simultaneously orgasm, we were interrupted by a knock at the door.
“Hello sir,” said a man in a suit. “Consider yourself served.” It looked like my estranged wife had finally
decided to go through with our divorce. It turned out I didn’t have to feel guilty for sexing this woman, I thought,
letting the ripples of another orgasm lap against my body from her body – the source of the orgasm ripples.
“You complete me,” I said later, sexing upstairs in the bed. “I think I may love you.”
“You mean that you love the sex we have!” she joked as I lay on top of her and entered her perpendicularly,
still completely erect.
“No,” I said, pumping.
“Do you mean marriageeeeeeeeee?” she squealed, orgasming.
“I want to get married…but we can’t because you’re my sister.” Everything went quiet.
I had just revealed to her that I knew she was my sister all along. It was so wrong.
“It’s okay, brother,” she said to me, her brother. She must have known all along. “I knew all along,” she
said, confirming everything.
I felt my groin get hot.
*
Jenny eventually passed away from a disease, but I still think about her and the great sex we used to
have.
I love you Jenny.

KMM
Baby Shower
Karen: I guess I’ll start with this present here. Who’s this one from?
Sally: It’s from me! I hope you like it.
Karen: I’m sure I will. [opens present] Oooh, I love it. It’s so—what is it
exactly?
Sally: This jumpsuit will light up red and notify the authorities if it senses
you, the mother, are drunk.
Karen: Oh, that’s so cute! It’s just like my anklet. But for the baby!
Sally: It’s just… I worry.
Karen: Let’s open this one next. From Jill. Oooh, it’s a big one!
Jill: I decided to splurge. You only have a baby once. I hope.
Karen: It’s a stroller! But there are no handles? How am I supposed to—
Jill: It’s remotely operated. I didn’t want the baby to get jiggled too much.
With your shakes and all.
Karen: How thoughtful! I love you! What’s this one here? Is this from you,
Beth?
Beth: Yes it is. It’s a year’s worth of baby formula. Oops, I spoiled the
surprise!
Karen: Aww, thanks! But you know I’m planning to breastfeed, right?
Sally: No, Karen.
Jill: Oh please. No way.
Beth: You can’t let it drink anything that comes out of your body.

CAM CRS
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JKL;P =FI 8 J<D<JK<I
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CAM
welcome to shelbymania, a
chat room dedicated to the
online community of the shelby
brothers band:
JasonLover 43: OMG I love Jason Shelby. He is the hottest!!
InYourEyes80: That is a lie michael is the hottest.
JasonLover43: What r u retarded? R u some kind of eye retard?
InYourEyes80: Michael is the best, just cuz u r stupid it doesn’t make it not ture.
JasonLover43: well jason has a better body and I know that for a fact.
JasonLover43 signs off
IAmMichaelShelby43 signs on
IAmMichaelShelby43: Hi this is Michael and i admit that my brother Jason is the
hotter one and has a nicer body.
InYourEyes80: MICHAEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JLF
Toy Story Deleted Scene
Buzz: Andy never wants to play with us anymore. This sucks.
Woody: It’s part of being a toy, Buzz. You get forgotten as soon as a new toy
comes around. Soon he’ll be done with this one as well.
Fleshlight: [waddling in] Hey guys, how’s it going?
Woody: Pretty good. Preeeeetttyy good.
Fleshlight: Hey—did you guys ever get tired from Andy constantly playing
with you?
Woody: Sometimes. But you can always rest up while Andy’s at school or with
his family.
Fleshlight: I don’t think you understand. Even at school. Even under the
dinner table. One time at a Flyers game.
Buzz: That’s a lot of playing. Just get your 8 hours a night, I guess.
Fleshlight: No, day and night. So many times per night. It’s worse at night.
Buzz: Wow.
Fleshlight: After he played with you guys, did you ever feel… you know…
dirty? Like unclean?
Buzz: Yeah, I mean, kids are always forgetting to wash their hands.
Woody: Buzz, that’s not what he means. He means… [whispering into Buzz’s
ear]
Buzz: Uh-huh… uh-huh… oh no…with his? Oh my God! Inside him?
Woody: Yeah Buzz, inside him.
Buzz: Every time?
Woody: Every single time.
Fleshlight: I don’t feel so good. I’m going to go hide in the closet.
Mr. Bucket: [peeking out from under bed] He will find you there. Trust me, he
will find you even in the closet.

CRS MKG

BOUNTY HUNTER
- Griff, you are the best bounty hunter in the state.
- Yes that’s true.
- You have never failed to deliver on a promise, even when
that promise causes you bodily harm.
- My word is my bond, and my bond is my promise. My
promise is my word.
- Right. That goes without saying. But I’m afraid this
time you’ve met your match.
- I have met no such person.
- Your next target will be your toughest assignment yet.
He is one of our own agents, so he knows all the old tricks.
- Don’t worry, I’ve got a new plan. I will Google him.
- Google?
- Yes, I will type his name into the search bar and find out
everything I need to know.
- But what if that’s not enough? What if Google doesn’t
have the answers?
- Fear not, my friend. There are several other websites I
can try.

BUS
 - Dude come check this out.
- What is it?
- It’s a .gif of a girl’s tits bouncing.
- Holy shit.
- Yeah look, they keep bouncing over and
over.
- This is so sick. It doesn’t even need more
pixels.
- Yeah and when it’s small like this you
can – just hold on a sec – look you can line
them up like tiles and it’s like a million tits
bouncing.
- Too many tits.
- I know, I’m just saying, you could have
that many tits if you wanted to, the
technology is there.

JSG

He GOTZ game 45: hey

Cheezcat21: hey jordan!!
He GOTZ game 45: sup
Cheezcat21 signed off at 3:45:10 PM
Cheezcat21: hey again sorry my computer is acting weird
He GOTZ game 45: sup
Cheezcat21 signed off at 3:46:17 PM
Cheezcat21: stupid computer! lol
He GOTZ game 45: lmao i liked ur pants 2day
Cheezcat21: oh thanks they used to be my mom’s
Cheezcat21 signed off at 3:47:46 PM
Cheezcat21: hey sorry!
Cheezcat21: so sorry
Cheezcat21: i’m on AOL 2.0
Cheezcat21 signed off at 3:48:03 PM
Cheezcat21: hey, sorry.
He GOTZ game 45: u goin to theos thing this weekend?
Cheezcat21 signed off at 3:49:18 PM
Cheezcat21: yeah, i’m definitely going!
Cheezcat21: i mean i haven’t been invited yet, but yeah.
He GOTZ game 45: cool u got a pic?
Cheezcat21: sure, lots! you?
He GOTZ game 45: img426.jpeg
Cheezcat21 signed off at 3:50:50 PM
Cheezcat21: ahh my computer can’t handle the pic!
Cheezcat21 signed off at 3:50:55 PM
Cheezcat21: i’m on a dial-up modem
Cheezcat21 signed off at 3:50:57 PM
Cheezcat21: pelase don’t think i’m weird jordan!!
Cheezcat21 signed off at 3:51:01 PM
Cheezcat21: because this is like the first time you ever
IMed me!
Cheezcat21 signed off at 3:51:05 PM
Cheezcat21: this may be
Cheezcat21 signed off at 3:51:06 PM
Cheezcat21: my last
Cheezcat21 signed off at 3:51:07 PM
Cheezcat21: chance
Cheezcat21 signed off at 3:51:08 PM
Cheezcat21: so i’m just going to say it
Cheezcat21 signed off at 3:51:09 PM
Cheezcat21: ive lvoed you since 3 grade
Cheezcat21 signed off at 3:51:10 PM

CFF
HARDY BOYS
“Look out!” shouted Joe Hardy as a bomb headed for a
woman’s purse.
“Phew, that was close,” said his brother Frank as it
missed. Together they were the Hardy Boys©.
“It doesn’t look like that souped-up motorboat is supposed
to be in the water,” said Joe, manning the mast of their schooner
the S.S. Sleuth as Frank pulled out a megaphone. “Stop, dead to
rights!” he yelled. “Citizen’s arrest!”
That’s when the shady figures on the motorboat started
yelling in a suspicious foreign language. Joe deduced that it was
probably Spanish on account of the recent problems Bayport was
having with illegals.
All of a sudden, the motorboat stopped—dead to rights.
“Knuckleheads,” cursed Frank.
“Yeah, what are you trying to do, wreck down here or
something?” shouted Joe. “Shoot!”
Frank jotted down some clues on his detective pad—like
how the leaves were changing with the season. “The boat is
named MS-13,” he gleaned.
“Probably for the thirteen knuckleheads on board,” Joe
joked.
Frank chuckled. “You know, I have a hunch that the
school’s missing football pennant just might be onboard with
those characters.”
“Yeah!” said Joe, handing his brother a flashlight and a
wink. “Let’s put these boys away. I hear Peggy Sue is having a
necking party tonight.”

KPB
Charcoal Grilled Pizza U Fresh Salads U Ice Cold Beer
U Great Wine Selection U No Joke

27 CHURCH STREET, HARVARD SQUARE

1381 BOYLSTON STREET, FENWAY
Amazon Customer Review
Philips 42PFL5603D/27 42-Inch 1080p LCD HDTV

MKG
Amazon.com CUSTOMER Review
BLAST! Lacrosse for PC ©1996, Ref Studios

KPB
 THE FIRST PAGE OF COMMENTS FOR THE
MOST POPULAR VIDEO IN YOUTUBE’S HISTORY

jbo
William: so shelly and i started dancing
William: and i accidentally drop my beer on her
me: lol
William: i know JSG thanks RRR, DNA,
me: i actually loled. EFM, RIP, GMS, CRS,
William: ha KPB, ERS’08, Joseph
William: so its literally a full beer on her Gansrow, and Lily.
me: lol
me: lol
William: shes soaked
me: LOL, im lolling. omg.
William: then she slips because i made a puddle on the ground
Sent at 11:34 PM on Wednesday
COVER BY RRR
me: rofl
me: omg. I rofled.
William: yeh it was ridiculous
me: i fell out of my chair
ART CREDITS:
me: omg
William: no u didnt
me: yeah i rofled. so funny
DNA
The Wizard, Google Spam Control Facility, Websites
William: You actually fell out of ur chair?
me: yeah
me: i was loling and then i rofled. i was rolling
imTb Internet Porn
William: are u ok?
me: so did she fall?
William: yeh
KAE
Dear Brent, Blast! Lacrosse
William: she slipped and fell
Sent at 11:37 PM on Wednesday
William: r u there?
LMF Spider, Zuckerberg
Sent at 11:41 PM on Wednesday
me: omg
William: r u ok?
ASG
Text Messaging, Computer Farm
me: yah, i was rofling.
William: actually?
me: yah
NCJ
Screen Name, Literotica.com
me: my whole chair fell backwards
me: my comp fell on me
me: ouch i banged my head on the floor os hard
SHL
Parallels Desktop, New Job
me: i was rofling and couldn’t stop
me: rofl
me: i am still loling
RRR Virtual Reality
me: will?
William: Yeah?
me: i rofled
NEXT UP kry
The Slam Dunk # (Limited Edition) Facebook Photos
William: yeah
me: owwwwwwww
me: was she embarrassed?
LY
Hardy Boys, Cheezcat21
Sent at 11:52 PM on Wednesday
me: was she embarrassed?
William: i don’t know if i should answer
me: why?
William: i dunno
me: was shelly embarrassed? MA LAMPY creates her eight new avatars:
William: yeah Sarah Elisabeth Wick ‘10, Benjamin Underwood
Sent at 11:55 PM on Wednesday Steiner ‘10, Kristina Robidoux Yee ‘10, Isidore Max
me: rofl Thayer Bethel ‘11, Daniel Leeland Liss ‘11, Kayla Ann
Escobedo ‘12, Jonathan Patrick Finn-Gamino ‘12 and
Eric Matthew Sobel ‘12.
RIP
 A RIA DNE
R estaurant & Bar

Affordable Elegance
is a short ride from Harvard Sq.
Lunch ? Dinner ? Cocktails ? Private Events ? Catering
344 Walnut St. Newton ? 617.332.4653 ? ariadnerestaurant.com
10 minutes from Harvard Sq. ? Take exit17 off MA Pike ? Free Parking
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