The Case for Men Marrying an Older Woman

It may be worth resisting the attraction to younger ones.

The Tausug is one of the many tribes in Mindanao which practices

Tausug - Marriage and Family

Marriage. Marriage is ideally arranged by parents. Contacts between the sexes are
restricted and marriageable women are kept in relative seclusion to protect their value to their family as
political and economic assets. First and second cousins are favored spouses (with the exception of the
children of brothers). A series of negotiations precedes marriage, concluding with an agreement on the
amount of bride-wealth and other expenses to be paid by the boy's family. In addition to arranged
marriages, wives may be obtained by elopement or abduction, both common alternatives. Weddings are
held in the groom's parents' house immediately upon payment of bride-wealth and are officiated by an
imam. Newly married couples generally reside uxorilocally for the first year, or until the birth of a child,
after which they are free to join the husband's family, remain with the wife's family, or, preferably, build a
new house of their own, typically close to the husband's natal community. Independent residence is the
eventual ideal. Relations between husband and wife are characteristically close and enduring. Divorce is
permitted but is infrequent, occurring in less than 10 percent of all marriages and, although polygyny is
allowed, few men take more than one wife.

https://www.everyculture.com/East-Southeast-Asia/Tausug-Marriage-and-Family.html

1. Tausug Wedding Practices

2. Muslim marriage and Islamicwedding customs aretraditions and practices that relate to wedding
ceremonies and marriage rituals prevailing within the Muslim world. Participants in these rites belong to
communities of people who have Islam as their faith.

3. Arranged marriages Arranged marriages although young people are at liberty to express their
preferences and state what they are looking for in a prospective partner, it is not the usual practice for
them actively to seek a partner for themselves. This is mostly done by their parents or other elders
within the family. In other words, it is usually an „arranged marriage‟. Arranged marriage must fulfil the
basic condition of the freely given consent of both the bride and the groom.
4.  A „forced‟ marriage, where consent has not been given by either the bride or the groom, or is given
only under excessive pressure, is a different matter; this would be contrary to the teachings of Islam, and
would immediately call into question the validity of the marriage. Arranged marriages are the general
custom among Muslims as the best way to find, vet and meet potential husbands or wives within the
overall context of the Islamic way of life.

5. Choice of partner With regards to freedom of choice when marrying within their religion, Muslim
men and women are given the right to choose who they want to marry. When marrying outside the
religion, Muslim men may marry Christian or Jewish women but not other religions. Muslim women are
not allowed to marry outside of Islam. In relation to women, men are encouraged to get married to
religiously devoted women. Same-sex Marriage is not allowed in Islam.

6. What to look for in a man According "Initiating and Upholding an Islamic Marriage", Hedaya Hartford
states that there are many significant factors to consider prior to getting married. When looking for a
potential spouse one should look for specific virtues- In a husband these are: Piety, A halaal (lawful)
income, sufficient to support his household, basic Islamic knowledge, because Allah says in the Quran,

7.  "Protect yourself and your family from the fire" (Quraan, 66:6)., contentment, ability to make
mature judgments, ability to understand and think soundly, a forgiving nature, tolerance, an even
temper, patience, generosity, responsi bility, protectiveness, cooperation, bei ng from a decent stable
family, and good appearance and bodily cleanliness (Hartford 50).

8. What to look for in a woman According "Initiating and Upholding an Islamic Marriage", Hedaya
Hartford states the qualities you look for in a woman to make your wife and the mother of your children
are: Piety, affectionate and easy going nature, ability to make mature judgments, ability to understand
and think soundly, obedience, patience, contentme nt, being from a decent stable family, good
appearance and bodily cleanliness (Hartford 52-53).

9. Dowries At the wedding, a Muslim husband typically gives a gift, known as the Mahr or dower, to his
wife. This type of dower, based on what was agreed upon by the couple, could be in the form of any item
and “in any amount”. An example is a cantar or a “great amount” of gold. However, the man can also
marry a woman based on the amount of knowledge he has about the Quran, even though he has no
material

10.  Afterthe consummation of their marriage, it is customary for the male spouse to give a wedding
reception, known as the Walima, to family members and friends. Such a reception serves as a
celebration of the couple‟s happiness.

11.  In Islam, both husbands and wives are described to have equal duties and rights, although men are
further described as having a “degree above” their wives. The Islamic rationale for this is that the
husband is given authority within the household because he has received a heavier load of
responsibilities, which include taking care of the woman who has become his wife, and that he also
provides financial support to her. Wives are expected to respect their husbands wishes. On the other
hand, men are expected to safeguard their women, because they were married to women with God‟s
trust.

12. The Philippines Muslim communities in the Philippines include the Tausug tribe, a group of people
in Jolo who practice matrimonial activities based on their own ethnic legislation and the laws of Islam.
Their customary and legal matrimony is composed of negotiated arranged marriage (pagpangasawa),
marriage through the “game of abduction” (pagsaggau), and elopement (pagdakup). Furthermore,
although Tausug men may acquire two wives, bigamous or plural marriages are rare.

There are more than fifty major tribes and ethnic groups in the Philippines, each with distinct, diverse
and independent courtship and marriage customs and traditions. A marital union generally occurs within
the same tribe. When one of the parties to a marriage comes from another tribe, a check is made with
respect to the presence or absence of a peace pact between the two tribes involved. If such peace pact
exists, well and good. Otherwise, no marriage occurs. [Source: kasal.com *^*]

http://factsanddetails.com/southeast-asia/Philippines/sub5_6c/entry-3872.html

Tausug or Suluk is the name of an Islamized tribal group in the Sulu archipelago, and is taken
from the words tau meaning man and sug meaning current.

Traditionally the Tausug are sailors, pearl divers and traders, their ancestral homelands in the
Sulu Archipelago have vigorous tidal currents that flow from the Sulu and China Seas to the Celebes Sea.
This translates literally into the name people of the current.

This native tribe, the first group in the archipelago to be converted to Islam, possess a courage
that is beyond doubt, their bravery is supposed to be unquestionable, therefore the Tausug are often
named Tau Maisug or brave people. They are proud Muslims renowned for their fierce resistance in the
face of Spanish Conquerors, for 300 years the Tausug and the Spanish were engaged in almost
continuous warfare, which ended when the Spaniards left the Philippines. The Tausug regards
themselves superior to other Philippine Muslims and still live a combative way of life, running away from
a fight is considered shameful. One old Tausug proverb says: Hanggang maybuhay, may pag asa,
meaning; Never admit defeat as long as you live.

This homogeneous tribe is a blend of Malay and Indonesian races; they are widespread in the
Philippines and can be found mainly in coastal area communities. They are distinctive from the Badjao
Tribe by the aspects of their own culture and because they speak their own language. In the past the
Tausug were boisterous pirates who infested the waters from the Sulu seas but nowadays make a living
from agriculture, raising water buffaloes and fishing. Aside from being known as the best, gallant and
ferocious freedom fighters of the world the Tausug are famous for being the best pearl divers in the
world. Fishing is done in off-shore waters from motorized boats using bamboo traps, hook and line and
fishing nets.

The strong-willed Tausug follow the Sunni Islamic beliefs and practices, Sunni Islam is the largest
branch of Islam, the word Sunni comes from the word Sunnah meaning tradition. But indigenous beliefs
endure, apart from Allah or Tuhan, the Tausug also believe in spirits that inhabit nature, especially rocks
and trees, like the evil spirits named saytan and unseen creatures called jinn. According to the Tausug
the human soul has four souls which leave the body when he dies, the life-soul related with blood, the
spirit-soul connected with dreams, the soul of breath, associated with life and the transcendental soul.
The body of the deceased will go to hell, to receive punishment for the sins committed while he was
living. Various charms and belief in spirits, in order to gain success and good fortune, are still a great part
of their daily life.

Tausug folk stories tell of great ancestors and legends, a favourite legend is the Kaawn of Bud
Tumantangis, Mount Tumantangis, the highest peak in the province is called as such because, when
sailing away, sailors cry when they lose sight of this landmarks and when they return, upon seeing again
its silhouette from far away. The name Tumantangis comes from the word tangis, which means to cry,
and bud meaning mountain, known to locals as the weeping mountain. The beautiful tomb of Sharif Abu
Bakr, the founder of the Sulu Sultanate still exists on one of the slopes of Mount Tumantangis. The
believes of the Tausug can be seen in their rituals and dances, many of them reflecting nature, such as
the ebb and flow of the waves of the ocean, referring to their travels at sea.

The Pangalay, a traditional Tausug wedding dance and popularly known as the fingernail dance is
one of the most well known dances, accompanied by a kulintang ensemble. This dance is distinctive
because dancers use metal or golden nail extenders or janggay, which make the fingers stiff and set them
apart from the thumbs. The Pangalay imitates the mythical Sarimanok bird, a reincarnation of a goddess
who loved a mortal man, after the dance, she removes her nails and drops them to the ground, hoping
that a man will gather them and will claim her for his bride. A Tausug marriage is usually arranged by
parents, with the exception of the children of brothers, first and second cousins are favoured spouses.
Marriageable women are kept in relative seclusion to protect their value to their family.

The Tausug tribe is one of the Muslim minorities in the Southern Philippines; they still retain
many of the ancient practices and strong, dynamic traditions of their particular tribal heritages but are
experiencing a great deal of change. The traditional Tausug culture is diminishing because of the
influences of the modern Philippine society. Many of the Tausug are living below poverty level and have
been displaced from their homes and livelihoods by the wars and armed conflicts between rebel groups
and the Philippine government.
 The Tausug, a rough tribe that roamed the Southern Seas and resisted foreign intruders at land
is at present caught, in the middle of nowhere.

http://thingsasian.com/story/last-tribes-mindanao-tausug-people-current

THE STUDY WILL LOOK INTO THE TAUSUG COUPLES WHO ARE INTO INTERGENERATIONAL
ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP. DIFFERENT SETS OF COUPLES WITH BE INTERVIEWED AND THEIR
CHARACTERISTICS ARE AS FOLLOWS,

YOUNG WOMAN MARRIED TO AN OLDER MAN

YOUNG MAN MARRIED TO OLDER WOMAN

OLD MAN MARRIED TO YOUNGER WOMAN

OLD WOMAN MARRIED TO A YOUNGER MAN

YOUNG ILLITERATE WOMAN MARRIED TO A WEALTHY MAN

YOUNG ILLITERATE MAN MARRIED TO A WEALTHY WOMAN

NON-TAUSUG YOUNG WOMAN MARRIED TO TAUSUG MAN

NON-TAUSUG YOUNG MAN MARRIED TO TAUSUG WOMAN

PROPOSITIONS OF THE THEORY

1. Intergenerational romantic relationship involving both sexes usually faces social hurdles such as
stigma and disapproval.
2. Older men prefer younger women due to fertility success and possible procreation.
3. Women who are in an intergenerational romantic relationship tend to be judged more by
society compared to men.
4. Older women in an relationship with a younger men and vice versa will most likely to experience
a failed romantic relationship.
5. Younger women prefer older men for financial security and emotional maturity.
6. Younger men prefer older women due to financial security and success.

THEORY GENERATED

1. Intergenerational romantic relationships in which the woman is younger than her male
partner will result in greater relationship satisfaction and commitment.
2. Intergenerational romantic relationships when the female partner is older, will be
greater targets of social disapproval because they run contrary to our evolved
tendencies, norms, customs and traditions.
 3. Intergenerational romantic relationships specifically the woman-younger relationships
are more socially normative and likely to carry greater chances of relationship success.
4. Intergenerational Romantic Relationship has at least some degree of bias exists against
all age-gap couples, but particularly those in which the woman is older.

To prove the

STIGMA RELATIONSHIP SCALE

10 TAUSUG WOMEN WILL BE INTERVIEWED TO GIVE LIGHT ON THE THE THEORY.

Older Women, Younger Men

By Beth Witrogen McLeod
Robin Stanton supposes her appreciation for younger men was honed during the feminist
revolution. Growing up in Ohio in the 1950s, she married her high school sweetheart at age
22. They had two children, but before long she realized her traditional marriage was killing
her soul. To Stanton's dismay, her husband seemed threatened by her intelligence and high
spirits, as well as her singing career.

"He would denigrate me by saying I might have had brain smarts but didn't have a lick of
common sense," says Stanton. "He said I was so subject to flattery, anyone could buy me
with a candy bar. I was a golf widow all weekend, every weekend. And whenever I had a
performance, he refused to support me by even being there."

Then came feminism.

In a step that was unusual at the time, Stanton sought a divorce, then went to graduate
school in journalism. She began as a general assignment arts writer and a rock and film
critic, and soon became a daily television columnist. In later years she covered major
political events and the lives of celebrities, interviewing more than 1,500 in 30 years,
including favorites Gene Kelly, Cher, and writer and producer Paddy Chayefsky.

Covering the rock scene also put her in touch with young male musicians, and she wound
up going out with several guitar players and a drummer. "Most of them weren't intimidated
by my career or independence," says Stanton. "They kept me informed and hip, so that my
writing stayed fresh and current. They taught me a lot about being comfortable with who I
was."

Now a jewelry designer in Las Vegas, the 63-year-old Stanton recalls, "I swore I'd never
stick with a man who hadn't grown up with the feminist revolution. I liked men who
appreciated my talent and my brain," and didn't insist that she be skinny.
That was more than 30 years ago. Since then she has had several lengthy relationships --
including another marriage -- to men between seven and 17 years younger. Stanton recalls
a relationship with one young man she still calls the love of her life. "I learned to cook with
him, because he ate everything, even my mistakes, with great gusto and appreciation," she
says. "He was tender and sweet and uproariously funny. Sometimes we'd sit in front of the
fireplace singing country-western songs at the top of our voices. It was so corny and so
much fun."

Stanton, who has recently settled into a relationship with a longtime friend 18 months her
junior, found that men who had grown up with the women's movement tended to be less
possessive. She didn't have to conform to a rigid idea of what a woman should be, she says,
and her young boyfriends didn't treat her like a trophy or an acquisition. "They were much
more comfortable with their own sexuality," she says. "And they seemed to love a smart
woman who understood sports and classical music."

A trend on the upswing

Stanton was apparently on the leading edge of what experts say is a new trend: older
women dating younger men. Although older men dating younger women has long been
socially acceptable (or at least commonplace in many cities), older women are now dating
younger men in record numbers. It may be a trend on the upswing: Thanks to higher
divorce rates and higher percentages of people who have never married, today 40 percent
of the 97 million Americans 45 or older are single. Research on dating habits of these 40-
plus singles is sparse, but according to an AARP survey of 3,500 older singles, 34 percent of
women in the 40-to-69 age group date younger men. And 14 percent of women age 50 to
59 say they prefer dating men in their 40s or younger.

According to the AARP survey, respondents cited fun and companionship as the main
reasons for dating. Of the respondents -- 56 of whom had been married in the past -- only 8
percent said they were looking for marriage. Nonetheless, more than one in 10 of these
relationships leads to marriage: The most recent Census Bureau figures show that about 12
percent of all marriages are between older women and younger men.

Women dating younger men said they appreciated the strength, humor, openness, youth,
and passion of their partners. What do the men get? Stanton believes that although some of
the attraction may be predicated on the mystique of the older woman, her appeal to
younger men was based not just on chemistry but on "the luxury of having a finished
person. With me they got great cooking, a settled home, and a bonding of souls who had so
many common interests," not the least of which was rock and roll.

Whether this kind of romance leads to a happy marriage, of course, may depend on luck or
destiny. For Blythe Woolston, it probably has been a bit of both.

In the late 1980s, the Montana writer was a teacher at The Writing Center in Billings. One of
her students and team teachers was the man who later became her husband and the father
of her children. However, neither of them saw it coming for a long time. "At one point, I
tutored Chris and remember being impressed at how witty this kid was, how capable, and
what a good writer he was," says Woolston. "Later, we had an assignment where we were
both the graders for one teacher, and that was spectacularly fun. It wasn't that we weren't
attracted to each other, but we weren't thinking about that. We just enjoyed each other's
company a great deal."

They developed a strong relationship as colleagues, she says. But she was always aware
that he was a student and she was not, so the boundaries were clear. Besides, she was
divorced with a young daughter to raise, and a new relationship, let alone a traditional
marriage, was not on her radar screen.

But as fate would have it, their friendship deepened, and one night after driving her home,
Chris offered that it might be okay if their parting involved more than the usual innocent
goodnight peck. "That was a success," Woolston laughs. And they eventually became a
couple.

"Nobody else is quite as engaging to me as Chris," Woolston says today. Despite the 11
years' age difference -- she is 46, he is 35 -- "I have an endless joy and curiosity about
him. It is a richly wonderful relationship. We're not competitive, but we're always
sharpening each other," she says. "Our values are very similar," she adds, an important
factor for Woolston, who found that differences in values were one of the reasons men her
own age were less appealing.

"The only place where age was ever an issue was because I felt that being with me should
not limit his choices profoundly," she adds. "I didn't want to tamper with his life." When
Chris went away to graduate school, Blythe was embarrassed by how much she missed him.
It turned out that he felt the same way, and after he finished his master's degree in biology,
they married. They have successful careers (both are writers) and two children of their own,
ages 2 and 10; by choice, Blythe is no longer the chief wage earner. And, she says, Chris
has been a wonderful father to her first daughter. "He made it possible for her to believe in
the goodness of men. That's a real gift to give to a girl."

Old prejudices linger

The phenomenon of older women dating younger men "results from older women feeling
much better about themselves: sexy and attractive," according to sex therapist and author
Lonnie Barbach, PhD. "They're taking care of themselves and looking for men who can keep
up with them. That often points to younger men."

Barbach, who penned the best-selling books Going the Distance and Turn On, two books
about creating satisfying relationships, says that "in past decades a younger man might
have been interested, but the older woman wouldn't have thought it was possible. So she
wouldn't have acted on it. Today, however, women have a lot more options. The dictates of
social norms don't run our lives like they used to."

Still, old prejudices haven't disappeared entirely. Although the majority of friends accepted
their unconventional courtship -- and later marriage -- without question, there were still
times when Ashland, Oregon resident Susan Johansen* doubted the wisdom of dating 26-
year-old John Moreno*, who was nearly 13 years younger. Some friends assumed her
relationship was simply about sex -- and told her so. There were raised eyebrows and
whispered innuendos about her being a "Mrs. Robinson." Johansen, who married Moreno a
few years later, is still surprised by insensitive comments from acquaintances.
"One day, the little girl who lived down the street came over and said, 'My dad says you're
way too old to be with a husband that young,' " says Johansen, now 43. "There are
definitely situations where people wouldn't socialize with us because of it. And then we had
this one friend: Every time we got together she said, 'I just can't believe how young John
is!' After a while, it got old."

Moreno, on the other hand, feels that his friends and family have been quick to accept the
relationship. He was attracted to Johansen, his company's art director, for her intelligence,
warmth, and "artsy personality," he says. He didn't realize she was in her mid-30s until
they'd been dating for several weeks, but by then, it didn't matter. "I was 23 at the time,"
he recalls. "I remember telling her, 'I feel 30, and you look 29. So I think that makes me
older than you."

"I really didn't care about her age," says the software engineer, now 30. "I needed
somebody to bring out my intellectual side."

Ironically, Moreno showed more emotional depth and maturity than men closer to her age
that Johansen had dated, she says, and he embraced the commitment of helping her raise
her son, then 10 years old.

Not all men dating older women are ready for a lifelong relationship, however, nor are all
the women. But some women looking for long-term commitment have been stymied by the
differences in age and maturity. Alice Brydges, a 46-year-old Feldenkrais instructor and
former dancer in San Francisco, is divorced after a 10-year marriage and bustling with
energy. "Younger men are fun and passionate, and I love that," she says. "But I am ready
for a healthy relationship, and they don't seem available for that kind of commitment. They
seem terrified of losing control."

Barbach agrees that "the difference in maturity levels and life experience can be a problem
in any relationship where a large age gap exists." Discrepancies in income and self-esteem,
as well as later caregiving if the woman is significantly older, can also cause rifts. But it's
difficult to generalize, Barbach says. "For some couples, it becomes a problem later in life if
the younger man finds the older woman less attractive physically. For other couples, aging
isn't an issue at all."

When the vulnerability is his

Of course, health problems can afflict the younger partner as well. Moreno, for example,
developed hip problems so serious that even walking became unbearable without a cane.
Recently, he underwent two separate hip surgeries in more than a year, forcing Johansen
into round-the-clock care for her young husband during the weeks of his convalescence. It
was fortunate, Johansen says, that she had been a candy striper at a local hospital when
she was 15.

"My first sight of my bloated, tube-encrusted husband came very late on the day of his
surgery, when he was moved to the progressive care unit," she says. "Nothing had really
prepared me to see him so, well, vulnerable and just plain messed up."

Moreno recovered quickly, however, and was able to return to an exercise regimen that
would make a triathlete envious. Johansen accompanies him on 15-mile cycling trips; as a
result, she says, her physical stamina is better than it was in her 20s. Today, the couple
often gets up at dawn to go mountain biking together.

For her part, Woolston feels no desire to accompany her husband and older son on all their
all-day hiking and fishing trips. She can use the time to work on her new novel (her first
novel, Freak Observer, came out recently.) She knows other happy couples in which the
woman is several years older than the man, and she believes this trend will continue as
women realize they have more options than before.

"A lot of single women my age have careers or children, or they're settled into a
comfortable life as independent women. They don't wake up every day thinking there's a big
chunk missing out of their lives.

"In retrospect, however, there was a big chunk missing in mine. It turned into a wonderful
relationship, but it never occurred to me that this was the path Chris and I were heading
down. You have to be open to possibilities, especially that someone younger can fall in love
with you. I wasn't, until somebody pointed it out to me."

*Names with asterisks have been changed.

References
Interviews with Robin Stanton, Blythe Woolston, and Alice Brydges
Interview with Lonnie Barbach, PhD, sex therapist and author
Lifestyles, Dating and Romance: A Study of Midlife Singles for AARP Magazine. September 2003
Last Updated: Jan 1, 2019

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