You are on page 1of 39

WITCHES VS PRINCESSES

ACT 1 SCENE 1

NARRATOR

Once upon a time! There were three witches.

(One WITCHY comes out)

NARRATOR (CONT.)

There were 3! witches.

(No more come out)

NARRATOR (Cont.)

Where are the others?

WITCHY

They're still getting ready... It's not easy look this scary. Boo!

(AUTHOR comes out and gives the NARRATOR a new page)

NARRATOR

Fine... Once upon a time there was a witch and 3 princesses.

(3 princesses appear)

WITCHY

Hey! What's the big idea?! I thought this was our story. How come princesses have
to come in and take over every story.

PRINCESS KAY

Because we're more beautiful than you.

(KAY knocks the witch's hat off)

PRINCESS BEE

And more graceful.

(One trips WITCHY)


PRINCESS DEE

And more intel... Intelli... More smarter than you.

(One drops a big book on her)

WITCHY

I'll get you my pretties and your little NARRATOR too!

NARRATOR

I'm not that little.

WITCHY

Where's the AUTHOR? I demand to see the AUTHOR. I was told this was this story
was about witches.

(AUTHOR enters. Princesses clap their hands)

ALL 3 PRINCESSES

Author!! Author!

(He likes the attention but tries to act cool)

AUTHOR

Ladies please.

PRINCESS KAY

Can I have your autograph?

PRINCESS BEE

Your even more handsome in person.

PRINCESS DEE

I've read all your scripts.

WITCHY

Ok now I see why this isn't about witches anymore.

AUTHOR
Never fear, foul witch... The story has not yet begun. For this is a tale more WITCHY
than the wicked west winds. More magical the northern night sky.... It's a tale of truth
and revelation. Of crime and punishment... A tale of three witches who wrought
wrongs with woe. It was a dark and stormy night...

NARRATOR

Hey you took my lines!

PRINCESS KAY

He says them so much better.

PRINCESS BEE

He's so dreamy.

PRINCESS DEE

Wait a minute... He said 3 witches.

PRINCESS KAY

So it's not about us?

AUTHOR

There are no small parts. Only small actors.

NARRATOR

Will everyone stop calling me small? I'm just a bit undertall.

WITCHY

So this is about us?

AUTHOR

Observe.

(Monster looking person with scroll)

MONSTER

By order of the witch Queen Gwyndolin, there will be a contest of witches.

BEE

I hope it's not a beauty contest.


DEE

Maybe an ugly contest.

MONSTER

The queen will award the trickiest witch in the land with the one trick pony.

PRINCESS KAY

I like ponies.

NARRATOR

The one trick pony is no ordinary pony. It's a magical creature.

PRINCESS BEE

Like a unicorn?

PRINCESS DEE

I love unicorns!

NARRATOR

No but it grants the owner with one wish... Any wish their heart desires.

WITCHY

And I think I know what I'd wish for.

(WITCHY gives Princesses a dirty look)

PRINCESS KAY

I'd wish to be fairest of them all.

PRINCESS BEE

I'd wish for a handsome Prince.

PRINCESS DEE

I'd wish for more wishes.

WITCHY

So how do I win?
MONSTER

The witch who tricks the most non-witches will win the prize.

WITCHY

Tricks eh? How will the queen know how many I've tricked?

MONSTER

The trickster must take the trickees to a trap and detain them there for the total tally
time.

WITCHY

But how will I trick these people?

PRINCESS KAY

I am way prettier than all of you.

PRINCESS DEE

I am fairest of them all.

PRINCESS BEE

My beauty makes you two look like the beast.

(WITCHY turns to audience)

WITCHY

I couldn't ... Could I? They're asking for it.

(To princesses)

WITCHY (CONT.)

I have something that will make you the most lovely of all.

PRINCESS KAY

Really?

PRINCESS BEE

I want it.

PRINCESS DEE
Dibs... I called royal dibs.

PRINCESS KAY

There's no such thing.

PRINCESS DEE

Is so.

PRINCESS BEE

Not!

WITCHY

Wait... Wait. You can all three have it.

PRINCESS KAY

We can't all be prettiest... Can we?

WITCHY

You must put this magic powder on the one thing you want to be prettiest... But you
must all pick something different.

PRINCESS BEE

My hair. I pick hair.

PRINCESS DEE

Face... I pick face.

PRINCESS KAY

Then I pick everything else.

Princes BEE

Can she do that?

WITCHY

She can.

PRINCESS DEE

No fair.
PRINCESS KAY

Hand over the powder, witch.

WITCHY

Heed this warning. You must only use it at night while you are asleep or a terrible
curse will befall you.

PRINCESS BEE

Yeah yeah whatever.

PRINCESS DEE

Let's go. I am going to bed early tonight.

(PRINCESSES go)

MONSTER

What did you give them?

WITCHY

Itching powder... I always carry some on me. I love how it makes my toes tingle.

(AUTHOR writes stuff and hands it to NARRATOR)

NARRATOR

So the first witch's trick has been set in motion and she ponders what evil deed she
shall do... (To AUTHOR) But is she really that evil?

AUTHOR

What? She's a witch. Of course she is.

NARRATOR

But the princesses were being all vain... I don't really feel sorry for them.

AUTHOR

Ah... You're on to me. You're a clever one.

NARRATOR

Thank you. (AUTHOR gives her another page) Then the witch spotted her next
victims.
(Two servants, Flim and Flam, chant "Fight Fight Fight!" as a mean Princess named
BERTHA holds down another Princess named KATE)

BERTHA

Look... KATE the Great says she wants to eat a worm.

FLIM AND FLAM

Eat! Eat! Eat!

KATE

No thanks. I'm not hungry.

BERTHA

Oh yes you are.

(WITCHY enters)

WITCHY

Hello there.

FLIM AND FLAM

Witch! Witch! Witch!

BERTHA

What do you want?

WITCHY

No, the question is what do you want?

BERTHA

Huh?

WITCHY

I am here to grant you a wish.

FLIM AND FLAM

Wish! Wish! Wish!

BERTHA
You my fairy godmother?

FLIM AND FLAM

(laugh)

Ha ha ha.

WITCHY

Something like that.

BERTHA

Cool. A wish huh? I can get anything I want?

WITCHY

Yes, you'll get what you deserve.

BERTHA

I wish for... A bag of gold.

FLIM

(clears her throat)

Uh-hum.

BERTHA

No wait. Two bags of gold.

FLAM

(holds up 3 fingers)

Uh-hum.

BERTHA

3 bags! Big ones.

FLIM AND FLAM

Gold! gold! gold!

WITCHY
Very well... Eat that worm and your wish will come true.

BERTHA

What?

WITCHY

Eat the worm and you get your wish.

FLIM AND FLAM

Eat! eat! eat!

BERTHA

Shut up you two…

FLIM AND FLAM

(whisper)

Gold gold gold.

BERTHA

Fine I'll do it.

(BERTHA makes faces - but eats worm)

BERTHA (CONT.)

Now where's my gold?

(MONSTER appears with 3 bags)

WITCHY

There's your gold - now you just have to catch her.

(MONSTER runs. BERTHA, FLIM and FLAM run after MONSTER. They can
continue to run and chase during the following)

KATE

Thank you.

WITCHY

For what?
KATE

For helping me.

WITCHY

I wasn't helping you - I was helping me.

KATE

Thanks anyway.

WITCHY

Why were they picking on you?

KATE

They don't like that I'm smart I guess. I always make them look bad in school. They
call me KATE the Great because the teacher thinks I am so great. I just like to learn.
I sometimes wish I could play dumb but no one can be as dumb as them so I gave
up trying. I can at least make the teacher happy - I will never make them like me.

WITCHY

They're not worth it. They're a waste of food.

KATE

Then why did you give them gold?

(MONSTER runs through with BERTHA behind)

FLIM AND FLAM

Run! run! run!

WITCHY

They didn't get it yet.

(WITCHY leaves)

KATE

I just want to do something great with my life. I really do want to be Kate the Great. I
want to build the biggest building the kingdom has ever seen... One that will touch
the sky. Or build wings that will make me fly through the clouds. I want to do
something amazing that no one has ever seen. I want to be truly great... But in a
good way. Not some great ruler who lives off the suffering of others. Or someone
who gets rich by stealing or hurting. I want to be a good kind of great. A kind, kind of
great. A great someone who makes this kingdom a better place for us all.

(KATE exits. AUTHOR hands a paper to NARRATOR)

NARRATOR

So this witch is off to a good start. She has tripped her tricks and prepared her trap.
Now for the witches... Wait wait. No mention of Kate the Great?

AUTHOR

What do you mean?

NARRATOR

She seems important.

AUTHOR

No... all that stuff she said... I think she got it from another play... I don't think I wrote
that.

NARRATOR

Probably not; it was too good.

AUTHOR

What?! That's it. I am writing you out of the script.

NARRATOR

No you can't - you....

(AUTHOR rips the page. NARRATOR can't speak. AUTHOR leaves and
NARRATOR does over-dramatic silent crying and exits)

END OF SCENE

________________________________________________________________________
ACT 1 SCENE 2

(Carey POTTER is the next witch setting her trap)

POTTER
Welcome all of you to the Potter School of Wizardy Stuff.

DRAKO
Hey where's Potter?
POTTER
I am Potter.

DRAKO
No you're not.

POTTER
Yes that's me Carey Potter.

BELLA
That's false advertising.

POTTER
No it's not - it's the Potter school and my last name is Potter.

DRAKO
Let's go.

LUNA
Yeah.

POTTER
No wait - you want to meet Harry or you wanna learn magic?

(They look at each other)

BELLA
We wanna meet Harry.

POTTER
Wait. You can use magic to make Harry appear... or any other celebrity... (names
some currently popular celebrities)

LUNA
That sounds cool.

DRAKO
Sign me up!

POTTER
Now here are your wands... (Stops DRAKO from waving it around) Careful those are
loaded... (DRAKO is picking his nose with his wand) And no nose picking - you'll turn
yourself into a toad or something.

LUNA
There's too many rules. This is no fun.

BELLA
What happens if I wave my wand like this?!
(DRAKO and LUNA freeze)

POTTER
That happens.

BELLA
This is fun.

(BELLA arranges them in silly poses)

POTTER
You done?

BELLA
Almost

(Does one last silly thing)

BELLA
Done.

POTTER
Wave your wand in reverse and unfreeze them.

(She does and she laughs)

DRAKO
What happened?

BELLA
Magic!

POTTER
You have a talent my dear.

BELLA
Why thank you.

DRAKO
Did you do real magic?

BELLA
I did.

LUNA
That is so cool. My turn.

(LUNA waves her wand around like crazy but nothing happens)
DRAKO
Maybe yours is broken.

POTTER
It takes patience and practice... Or incredible luck like her.

DRAKO
So how do we start?

POTTER
You get a penny and wave your wand like this and say "penny for your thoughts" and
turn it in to gold.

DRAKO
Gold?!

LUNA
Sounds good to me.

POTTER
Go home. Get a penny and then bring me back some gold.

DRAKO
Couldn't we lie and say we did it and bring you some gold?

POTTER
That works for me.

BELLA
"Penny for your thoughts" It didn't work.

POTTER
You will need to practice on this one then.

BELLA
Pooh.

POTTER
Or you can try the phrase "the buck stops here."

LUNA
"The buck stops here" ...nope.

POTTER
Or "money money money".

DRAKO
"Money money money" Ah man - no luck.
POTTER
Keep practicing.

LUNA
Let's see you do it.

DRAKO
Yeah.

POTTER
It's never good to overuse a spell. And I have plenty of gold.

LUNA
I could never have enough gold.

BELLA
How much gold do you have?

POTTER
Lots... All thanks to this spell.

DRAKO
We have to keep practicing.

POTTER
And after you learn that one, I will teach you one that turns coal to diamonds.

LUNA
Really?! Tell me tell me tell me!

POTTER
Gold first, then diamonds - go home and practice - practice makes perfect you know
- keep waving those wands and making magic!

(They go...)

POTTER
They have fallen right in to my trap...

(Evil laugh)

END OF SCENE
_________________________________________________________________________________

ACT I SCENE 3

(Queen Gwyndolin enters. WITCHILDA enters angrily)


WITCHILDA
Mother. Why did you bother with this stupid contest?

GWYNDOLIN
To teach you a lesson, my dear.

WITCHILDA
Lesson? What lesson?

GWYNDOLIN
That just because you're the daughter of the Witch Queen doesn't mean that you're
going to have everything handed to you.

WITCHILDA
Why not?

GWYNDOLIN
Because you become a spoiled brat.

WITCHILDA
I thought that was a good thing for a witch to be.

GWYNDOLIN
A spoiled brat is far worse than any witch. They are evil creatures who have lost their
souls and become slaves to their desires.

WITCHILDA
And how does that make witches any different?

GWYNDOLIN
A witch likes to have a good time. It's all fun and games for us.

WITCHILDA
It is fun being a witch. So what are you going to do with all the people we capture?

GWYNDOLIN
Eat them.

WITCHILDA
Oh, that is fun. But this contest is taking too long. Can't we just skip to the fun part?

GWYNDOLIN
Sorry, dear. I like to play with my food first.

WITCHILDA
You're so... weird.

GWYNDOLIN
Thank you, dear. Now off you go. Find me some plump ones.
(Queen Gwyndolin exits)

WITCHILDA
How about some plump snails instead.

(WITCHILDA sets up a sign that says "Magic Cures.")

WITCHILDA (CONT.)
Step right up - get your magic cures here - cost you only one snail! (to audience) I
love snails - escargot is heavenly - yummy to my tummy. People taste funny. I have
no clue how she can eat them.

PRINCESS PEA
I have a problem.

WITCHILDA
I can see that - I think I have something for those ears.

PRINCESS PEA
What's wrong with my ears?

WITCHILDA
Oh nothing - what can I help you with?

PRINCESS PEA
I can't sleep - I need my beauty rest.

WITCHILDA
I'll say.

PRINCESS PEA
What?

WITCHILDA
Nothing - I have just what you need - a magic pea - just put it under your mattress
and you'll sleep like log.

PRINCESS PEA
Perfect!

WITCHILDA
Sweet dreams.

(PRINCESS PEA leaves)

WITCHILDA
Step right up - got your cures, got your fixes, help from your favorite witches.

(RED RIDING HOOD enters)


RED
I need some help.

WITCHILDA
What ails ya?

RED
Well there's this guy…

WITCHILDA
Always a man... Love potion?

RED
No! I want him to leave me alone.

WITCHILDA
So he needs a love option to use on you?

RED
No! I need guy spray or guy repellent or guy off or some such thing.

WITCHILDA
Here's some shampoo. Wash your hair with it and sing "I'm gonna wash that man
right out of hair!" Three times and he'll stay far away from you after that.

RED
Really?

WITCHILDA
You bet your little red cape he will.

RED
Here's your snails.

WITCHILDA
And here's your shampoo.

(RED skips away happily. 2 pirate princesses enter, NO BEARD and SHORT JANE
SILVER. They have a Mermaid with them and set her down)

NO BEARD
Ahoy there witch.

WITCHILDA
You pirates talk funny.

SILVER
We be the pirate princesses and we be seeking a way to catch Peter Pan.

NO BEARD
Captain Hook will give the pirate who catches him a map to a hidden treasure.

WITCHILDA
No pirate can resist a good map.

SILVER
Ay! It be true.

NO BEARD
That Peter Pan is mighty tricky. No one can seem to catch him- argh!

SILVER
Argh!

WITCHILDA
Argh!

ALL
Argh!

SILVER
Ye know a way?

WITCHILDA
Well Peter's thing is that he is a lost boy. So let's make him found. I have a magic
compass that will keep him from ever getting lost again. And when is not lost, then
he will be easy to find.

NO BEARD
Makes sense to me.

WITCHILDA
Thank goodness. I don't think I could say that again.

SILVER
Let's set sail for never land.

NO BEARD
Yo ho ho!

SILVER
Aye aye matey!

WITCHILDA
Pirates are so weird.

(Mermaid sees them go and cries)

WITCHILDA (CONT.)
Yo! Hey! You forgot your mermaid.
MERMAID
They're always forgetting about me. They leave me all kinds of weird places. On
docks, on ships, in alleyways... just once I wish they'd leave me at the mall.

WITCHILDA
Well... have a good a deal for you my poor unfortunate soul. One ticket to the mall
coming right up.

MERMAID
Wait... no... what I really want are legs.

WITCHILDA
Legs?

MERMAID
I want to stand and run and dance... I want to kick people.

WITCHILDA
Kick people?

MERMAID
And stomp on their toes.

WITCHILDA
Wow, you're an interesting one.

MERMAID
And I want to jog. Jogging looks cool. And play golf.

WITCHILDA
Golf's not cool.

MERMAID
How would I know? I can't walk! No legs! Duh!

WITCHILDA
Fine... two legs coming right up.

MERMAID
Two? Or three?

WITCHILDA
Two.

MERMAID
How about 12 toes?

WITCHILDA
10... like everyone else.
MERMAID
Whatever.

WITCHILDA
Get ready to run!

(WITCHILDA zaps her and sudden she can walk)

MERMAID
You did it!

WITCHILDA
Of course.

MERMAID
Gotta run!

(MERMAID gives her a snail and runs away)

WITCHILDA
Looks at all these lovely snails - yum - time to cook you my pretties - and some little
hot dogs too!

END OF ACT I

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ACT 2 SCENE 1

(The Tree is a new character or can be played by the same actor who played
MONSTER - it's not the same character though)

TREE
None shall pass!

LUNA
Is this the way to Carey Potter's castle?

DRAKO
Yeah we have a bone to pick with her.

BELLA
She gave us trick wands.

DRAKO
Mine turned my fingers all purple.

LUNA
Mine makes me caugh up butterflies…

(She coughs and grabs her mouth)

DRAKO
Let us through.

TREE
None shall pass!

BELLA
That all you can say?

TREE
No but I really like saying it.

LUNA
So how do we get through?

TREE
You don't - none shall pass - that's why I say that.

DRAKO
But there must be a way - the witch goes this way right?

TREE
Maybe.

DRAKO
So how does Carey Potter get through?

TREE
Not telling.

BELLA
Please.

TREE
Oh man... She said please. How can I say no to that?

LUNA
You can't - now tell us!

TREE
No to you rude little girl.

BELLA
Please.

TREE
Sigh... Oh fine… since you know the magic word.

LUNA
The magic word is please?

TREE
Of course. To pass, you have tell a joke.

DRAKO
Knock knock…

TREE
No... A really good one.

DRAKO
What's wrong with knock knock jokes?

TREE
What's not wrong with them? No - you have to tell good jokes, so good they make
me shake when I laugh - shake so hard that the little fairies fall out of my branches
and do a dance.

BELLA
Awwww... That sounds cute.

TREE
It is.

LUNA
Who knows a good joke?

DRAKO
Knock knock…

LUNA
No. I have one... Why do dragons sleep all day?

TREE
Why?

LUNA
So they can fight knights!

TREE
Not bad but not good enough.

LUNA
How about this one? What does the frog prince like to eat with his hamburgers?

TREE
I don't know.

LUNA
French flies.

(TREE laughs a bit harder)

DRAKO
Funny but no fairies.

BELLA
Why are the wicked witch twins so confusing? It's hard to tell which witch is which!

(TREE laughs and little fairies come out and dance)

BELLA (Cont.)
That's soooo cute.

LUNA
There's the path.

DRAKO
Let's go.

(Little Fairies dance more)

END OF SCENE
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ACT 2 SCENE 2

(Queen Gwyndolin enters)

GWYNDOLIN
It looks like Carey Potter has only caught herself a few. Yes, take them down there
to the complaint department, Scary Carey. That's her real name. The complaint
department is that room that looks like a cage... I assure you that it's only a
coincidence. Don't mind the bones. They're just decoration. Now let's see how many
my Witchilda has tricked.

(PRINCESS PEA and RED RIDING HOOD enter)

TREE
None shall pass!

PRINCESS PEA
I have to see that witch - let me through.

TREE
What's the matter?
PRINCESS PEA
She have me this magic pea - it made me sleep better. And give me my beauty rest..
But it also... This is so embarrassing... It made me wet the bed. Now everyone calls
me Princess PP. This is the worst trick ever and I can't get rid of the pea either. I
throw it away and it magically reappears. And it makes me sleep all through the
night... so long I... wet the bed. It doesn't matter how many mattresses I do either... I
still go PP all night long.

RED
I got ripped off too - I was supposed to have this repellent but it make that wolf guy
like me more... He won't leave me alone... He now follows me everywhere... He even
followed me to grannies house... And he scares my granny so bad she ran away or I
think he ate her. I'm not sure... but she's gone. That means no more birthday cards
with money in them.

(Mermaid runs on stage)

MERMAID
And she gave me these legs but they won't stop running!

(Mermaid runs off again)

(Pirates enter)

NO BEARD
Avast! Where is that land lubber?

SILVER
I'm gonna make her walk the plank.

NO BEARD
This compass she gave us got us lost instead making Peter Pan found!

PRINCESS PEA
We don't know how to get past this tree.

SILVER
This be common witchery - it's a joke tree - ye make it laugh and it lets ye past.

PRINCESS PEA
I have one. What do Unicorns call their father? "Pop" corn.

(Tree chuckles. Mermaid runs in)

MERMAID
Or how about this one... What do witches wear on their hair? Scare spray!

(Tree laughs more)

RED
I have a good joke. Why were the giant's fingers only eleven inches long? Because if
they were twelve inches long, they'd be a foot!

(Tree laughs hard. The little fairies dance)

PRINCESS PEA
It worked!

NO BEARD
Ay!

SILVER
Yo ho ho - let's go!

(Little fairies finish their dance. Mermaid runs ahead of them and the rest follow)

GWYNDOLIN
Excellent. Yes, follow the signs. The complaint department is right over there. Be
sure to close the door behind you. Is it locked? Oh dear. I will go locate a key
immediately... or not! (Evil laugh) It looks like a fine number of victims my daughter
has caught for me. And yummy looking ones too.

END OF SCENE
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ACT 2 SCENE 3

(NARRATOR tries taking again... he goes to AUTHOR and begs silently)

AUTHOR
Where have you been?

(NARRATOR can't speak)

AUTHOR
Fine... here you go.

(AUTHOR holds out paper)

NARRATOR
Oh, thank you, thank you. I will never doubt you or insult you or borrow your horse
ever again.

AUTHOR
You borrowed my horse?!

NARRATOR
Did I say that? I was just joking.

AUTHOR
Never joke about a man's horse.

NARRATOR
Fine. No more horsing around.

AUTHOR
I must admit. This story is badly in need of a narrator.

NARRATOR
Is everyone getting confused?

AUTHOR
I think so. I believe I've lost them. Look at that person over there. Asleep!

NARRATOR
Not anymore.

AUTHOR
This is terrible. And that person in the back. Look at their confused look…

NARRATOR
The classic blank stare.

AUTHOR
Let's go back there and explain the story to them.

NARRATOR
Prepare to be dazzled in the back row.

(AUTHOR and NARRATOR exit through the audience. An angry mob is led by the
BERTHA, followed by FLIM, FLAM and the 3 Princesses who are itching like crazy)

TREE
None shall pass!

BERTHA
We're an angry mob and we demand to see the witch.

TREE
They don't look that angry.

BERTHA
Come on people - look angry - look mean.

(They sort of try but fail)

BERTHA
We'll burn you down if you don't let us through.

TREE
I don't see any torches.

BERTHA
Who was supposed to bring the torches?

(Flim and Flam point at each other)

PRINCESS KAY
I have a little mirror - I could shine a moonbeam at it.

PRINCESS BEE
Chop it down!

PRINCESS DEE
I will go find a flock of woodpeckers!

(PRINCESS DEE makes weird bird sounds. KATE rushes in)

KATE
Please everyone - be reasonable - you don't need to resort to violence.

BERTHA
That's the only fun way though.

FLIM AND FLAM


Fun! fun! fun!

(They push KATE around)

KATE
No, I will not let you hurt this tree - it's an ancient and magical tree - it is home to the
rare little dancing fairies. Without these trees how will they live?

PRINCESS KAY
Little fairies!

PRINCESS BEE
I want one!

PRINCESS DEE
How much do they cost?

TREE
They're not for sale.

PRINCESS KAY
Come on. Everyone has a price.

TREE
Not me. I'm a tree. I have use for money.
BERTHA
Pay me to catch one for you.

PRINCESS BEE
Ok.

KATE
Never!

(KATE stands up to BERTHA)

BERTHA
Get her.

(FLIM and FLAM go after KATE - she does some karate chops and knocks them out
- BERTHA tries next and KATE does the same)

TREE
Well done Kate the Great.

KATE
Thank you. I had to do something. I couldn't let them hurt those cute little fairies.

(Little fairies do a little dance for her and give her a gift)

TREE
Wow, you didn't even have to tell any jokes to get them to dance.

KATE
Jokes?

(WITCHY comes out)

WITCHY
You tell jokes to get past the tree.

PRINCESS KAY
I know a good one... Here's a Frozen joke... What would you get if you crossed Elsa
with a vampire? ...Frost bite!

PRINCESS BEE
I know a better one. Why was Cinderella such a lousy baseball player? ...She had a
pumpkin for a coach!

PRINCESS DEE
I have the best one of all. Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?
...She always ran away from the ball!
(TREE laughs - fairies come out to do a dance but see it is the Princesses and stick
out their tongues instead and exit)

WITCHY
There's the way in... Head right over to the complaint department... Up up up you
lazy bums.

(She gets BERTHA, Flim and Flam up. KATE gets in a karate stance and they run)

WITCHY
The complaint department is the thing that looks like a cage... Yes right through
there.

KATE
A cage? What are you up to witch?

WITCHY
That's for me to know and you never to find out.

(WITCHY leaves. NARRATOR enters)

NARRATOR
Little does Kate the Great know but the witch has captured them for the contest.

KATE
She has! Oh no!

NARRATOR
Wait, she's not supposed to hear me.

KATE
Hear you say what?

NARRATOR
What's going on here?

AUTHOR
Are you complaining how I am writing his again?

NARRATOR
But she is not so supposed to hear me - there are rules.

AUTHOR
How else is she supposed to find out about the witch contest and how the witch
queen Gwyndolin is going to eat all the people the witches capture.
KATE
The witch queen! That's terrible. I have to stop those witches!

NARRATOR
I guess she can hear it right from the Author.
AUTHOR
I guess so.

NARRATOR
Suddenly... the narrator found herself in Hawaii!

AUTHOR
It doesn't say that.

NARRATOR
It was worth a try.

AUTHOR
As our story draws to an end…

NARRATOR
It can't be over already.

AUTHOR
I'm afraid so.

NARRATOR
Make it longer... please…

AUTHOR
The best you can hope for is a sequel.

NARRATOR
I could live with that.

AUTHOR
On with the show!

(Hands over paper. AUTHOR exits)

NARRATOR
"The people of fairy tale land have been captured by those witches three. They are
caged like animals and may never be free. As the witch Queen approaches, they
wonder what to do. But their hopes were fading fast and their spirits too." Hey! It's
like a poem.

(AUTHOR returns with some ice cream)

AUTHOR
I know... pretty good huh?

(KATE enters and poses)

NARRATOR
"But all is not lost because Kate the Great is here. She has a plan and will face them
without fear."

KATE
I will? What's the plan?

AUTHOR
I haven't written that part yet.

KATE
Well, hurry up and write it. These people are in trouble.

AUTHOR
Ow!

KATE
What's wrong?

AUTHOR
Writer's block... ow! It happens whenever I eat ice cream that's too cold.

NARRATOR
I thought that was brain freeze?

AUTHOR
Ow! Can't write…

NARRATOR
We have to do something.

KATE
Come with me. There's this dragon around the corner. We'll get him to defrost his
head.

AUTHOR
Dragon? No... oh... ow!

(KATE and AUTHOR exit)

NARRATOR
Well... uh... hi... I guess while we wait for an ending to be written, we can see what's
going on over at the cages where the witches have captured everyone for Queen
Gwyndolin's contest. All the captives have been numbered for the final count. Who
will win the One Trick Pony and one magical wish?

(All the captives come out with numbers on them. Queen GWYNDOLIN checks them
out… WITCHILDA takes a number away from WITCHY's group and puts it on herself
- GWYNDOLIN counts her)

GWYNDOLIN
And the winner is... my own special girl... daughter and future queen... WITCHILDA!

WITCHILDA
Oh yeah!

(WITCHILDA does a dance of joy. Queen GWYNDOLIN holds up a little statue of a


pony or a stuffed animal pony)

GWYNDOLIN
Here is the one trick pony. What do you wish for?

WITCHILDA
A trip to Hawaii!

GWYNDOLIN
So be it!

(GWYNDOLIN holds out an airline ticket and puts flowers around her neck)

WITCHILDA
Thank you, mommy.

(WITCHILDA goes. NARRATOR can chase after her and say "Wait for me" -
WITCHY and Carey POTTER get mad and stomp off)

GWYNDOLIN
Now the real fun begins. Let's play the Hungry Games! Everyone here has a
number on them. I will spin the giant wheel and see who gets eaten first. Will we
have some Red Riding Food?

RED
Where's the Big Bad Wolf when I need him?!

GWYNDOLIN
Or perhaps a mermaid fish dish.

(Mermaid is in her fish tail form again)

MERMAID
There's something fishy going on here.

RED
Yeah, she's gonna eat us you bubble head.

GWYNDOLIN
Maybe some Princess Split Pea Soup?

PRINCESS PEA
I do really like soup. Sounds yummy.
GWYNDOLIN
Poor Princess Pea... always eating what you shouldn't.

RED
You're one to talk.

PRINCESS PEA
So we eating or not?

RED
Yes, she's having you for dinner.

PRINCESS PEA
Oh goody.

GWYNDOLIN
Or maybe I'm in the mood for some Yo Ho Gurt.

NO BEARD
If you wanna set sail for me fist, you can try.

SILVER
You'll never take me alive!

GWYNDOLIN
I can cook you dead or alive.

NO BEARD and SILVER


Yo ho... no.

NO BEARD
That's okay. We're not hungry.

GWYNDOLIN
But I am my dear... quite hungry. Let's spin the wheel.

(Whatever number comes up, someone takes it off of themselves and puts it on
PRINCESS PEA)

PRINCESS PEA
Oh goody... I have that number. Am I the winner?

RED
Yes, Princess. You're the big winner. Bon appetite!

PRINCESS PEA
I hope she has cake. I love cake.

NO BEARD
Please! Somebody stop her!

PRINCESS PEA
But cake is so good.

SILVER
Not you... her. Queen Gwyndolin.

(KATE enters)

KATE
I will stop her!

(All the prisoners yell Hurray!)

PRINCESS BEE
What you going to do?

KATE
There is one thing that can stop a witch.

PRINCESS DEE
A bucket of water?

PRINCESS KAY
A house falling on her?

PRINCESS BEE
Deodorant?

KATE
A random act of kindness.

(KATE pulls out some flowers and starts giving them to everyone. She gets to the
BERTHA and gives her a flower with a nervous smile)

BERTHA
Even me?

KATE
Especially you.

FLIM AND FLAM


Flowers, flowers, flowers.

(KATE gives them flowers too)

KATE
How about some hugs too?
(KATE hugs one of the witches)
WITCHY
A hug is kind of nice - can I have a flower too?

GWYNDOLIN
Stop! What are you doing?! I can't stand all this... nicey-nice stuff you're doing. I hate
flowers. No... no... this is too good. So terribly good. It makes me sick... sick, sick,
sick! Oh my stomach... you gave me a tummy ache with all that do-gooder, kindness
crap! I lost my appetite. Happy?! Thanks for making me lose my lunch.

ALL
Hurray! Hurray! Hurray! Hurray for Kate the Great!

RED
So you're not going to eat us?

PRINCESS PEA
And there's no cake?

MERMAID
Will you please set us free?

GWYNDOLIN
How about a dance off? I do love dancing.

RED
A dance off?

GWYNDOLIN
The group that does the best dance gets to go free. The ones who do the worst
dance will be eaten.

NO BEARD
We are good dancers.

SILVER
Sounds like a good deal to me.

MERMAID
If only I had my legs, I could dazzle them with my dance moves.

(GWYNDOLIN waves her hand)

GWYNDOLIN
Dance mermaid. Dance!

MERMAID
That's what I'm talking about!
RED
Let's dance.

(One group does a dance. GWYNDOLIN gets pushed around and trampled by them.
Then another group does a dance and GWYNDOLIN is trampled again. Then
another group does a dance and tramples her)

PRINCESS PEA
So who won?

MERMAID
What happened to the witch?

RED
I think we trampled her during our dance.

NO BEARD
We swabbed the deck with her.

SILVER
I guess that means we all go free!

ALL
Hurray!

(AUTHOR and NARRATOR enter)

AUTHOR
How's that for an ending?

NARRATOR
It's no War and Peace but it will do.

AUTHOR
Have you ever read War and Peace?

NARRATOR
Who hasn't?

AUTHOR
Anywho... I believe that ends our tale.

NARRATOR
And in this story we did not fail,

AUTHOR
To teach you a thing or two.

NARRATOR
About what you should or shouldn't do.

AUTHOR
Greed makes you blind to tricks and traps.

NARRATOR
And gets you cages like some kind of rats.

AUTHOR
And a random act of kindness wins in the end.

NARRATOR
And now friendships are on the mend.

AUTHOR
Chose not selfish things or anything gory.

NARRATOR
Instead go in peace and remember this story.

END OF PLAY

You might also like