Philip Boyd

Space Exploration Gone Right

I’ve spent years traveling the cosmos. Decades exploring lonely rocks. Only recently

have I been landing on planets that were inhabited already. Of course, they were the nice ones.

That’s why they had colonists. They supported life. They were pleasant to be on. But, that

doesn’t mean they were, well, “normal.”

I specifically remember the planet of the apes. Literally what it sounds like. An entire

planet inhabited by monkeys. I remember talking to a time traveler once who said that they

would later evolve into something called a human. I didn’t believe him after I visited the place.

They were too stupid to evolve. I only hung around a few minutes before I couldn’t stand the

atrocious idiocy that filled the atmosphere. You know what I saw? A chimpanzee. Injecting

himself with heroin. Yes. A chimpanzee on drugs. I just couldn’t even. So I got back in my ship

and left. I traveled on past several planets that I had already seen. Mars and its glorious storm.

Jupiter and its powerful gravitational pull. I got to Pluto. I couldn’t recall visiting Pluto for the

life of me. So I figured a pit stop wouldn’t hurt.

The quiet cold planet didn’t have much going for it from what I could see. But it was a

small surface to cover so I decided to check the whole thing. You wouldn’t believe what I saw.

Angry Birds. Not just any Angry Birds. I’m talking six foot tall, 250 pounds, 24 inch biceps,

jacked Angry Birds. The muscle mass from these suckers had a gravitational pull that I had

trouble fighting. The shear smell of the steroids pumping through their veins made me gag. It

took everything I had to get out of there. But I made it. And I ran for it. Without looking back I

hopped in my craft and I took off.

 I was almost done exploring. Maybe I’d never find a place to settle. Maybe I’d go back to

the cell I crawled out of. Turn myself back into the hands of the police I slipped away from.

Maybe… wait. What is that? I notice a small asteroid with a weird white shape. Slightly taller

than my 10 inch high frame. I had to see what this was.

I pulled my ship up next to the rock and leaped to the surface. There, looming over me,

was a large, thirteen and a half foot tall block of sugar. What did I do? Of course I took my pick

out and started whacking it. A few days later I broke through. Inside was a weird machine. A

cryogenic pod. This was my chance! Rest! Years with nothing disturbing me as I lay frozen,

floating throughout space. Finally. Alone. Forever.