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08/05/2016

A potential terrorist plot was thankfully averted yesterday in America, when a very obtuse lady - clearly
taking her cue from Fuü hrer Trump - observed in an American Airlines flight a gentlemen of lesser than
acceptable white complexion, writing out strange symbols and complex numbers next to her. Worried that
he might be a terrorist, she passed a secret note to a flight attendant and ingeniously made an excuse to
alert the authorities.

Thankfully, the authorities quickly intervened and and determined that the said gentleman, while not
carrying weapons of maths instruction, was in fact a member of a terrifying gang: the al-Gebra Movement.
The al-Gebra group was founded by the Arab mathematician al-Khawarizmi, who wrote a book entitled
Ilm al-Jabr, from which the group derived its name. This gentleman, upon further investigation, was
revealed to be a full-fledged, senior ranking member of the cult, and had been conferred the title
'Professor' - the highest ranking title in the movement. He was charged with actively recruiting students
to employ al-Gebra's techniques in their daily lives, and pleaded guilty to the more serious charge of
advocating members to sign up to al-Gebra training.

Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult, and many high-schoolers who are exposed to it are immediately terrified at
the cruelty of the techniques it employs. Members of the cult seek to find average solutions to complex
equations; they create differences and derive functions at will, terrifying innocent bystanders. Many a
young lady (and even men) have been known to wake up in the middle of the night, sweating and
screaming with fear, the night before facing al-Gebra's tests.

It is well-known that they refer to themselves with obscure terms such as 'x' and 'y', hiding behind
standard deviations and making their points, drawing their lines, and dissecting complex square roots
with imaginary numbers.

People who follow such extreme views typically believe they can have have their pi and eat it too.
Although the authorities were not quite sure of the angle of this 'professor', and could not calculate the
unknown variable found in his collection of radii-active materials, they were at least able to multiply their
theorems and demonstrate that they were diagonally opposed to prime concepts such as common sense.

The Attorney General remarked, "If I've said it n times, I've said it n+1 times: the al-Gebra movement
thinks itself acute, but in reality it has an infinite number of problems, and we shall continue to sin and co-
sin away at them until we get to the root of their solution. You can count on me!"

To which the Al-Jazeera Reporter asked, "Which numeral system does your agency employ in counting out
against radical al-Gebra?"

"Well, obviously, Arabic numerals of course. What else works?!" he replied.

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