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Are you a bottler or a brooder?
Bottlers don’t deal with uncomfortable emotions; bottlers suppress emotions. Bottlers try to forget about emotions like stress, anger, and
anxiety by distracting themselves with busy work (compulsively checking email, making long to‐do lists, etc.).
“More than once, I’ve met bottlers who find themselves, years later, in the same miserable job, relationship, or circumstance. They’ve
been so focused on pushing forward and being a good doobie that they haven’t been in touch with a real emotion in years, which
precludes any sort of real change or growth.” – Susan David
Brooders obsess over emotions and are unable to focus on anything else.
“(Brooders pay) too much attention to their internal chatter and (allow) it to sap important cognitive resources that could be put to
better use…With brooders, emotions become more powerful in the same way a hurricane does, circling and circling and picking up
more energy with each pass.” – Susan David
Whether you bottle or brood over distracting and uncomfortable emotions, those emotions get stronger and more destructive.
4 Steps to Deal with Distracting & Destructive Emotions
Name
“Learning to label emotions with a more nuanced vocabulary can be absolutely transformative. People who can identify
the full spectrum of emotion—who realize how, for example, sadness differs from boredom, or pity, or loneliness, or
nervousness—do much, much better at managing the ups and downs of ordinary existence than those who see
everything in black and white.” – Susan David
Unnamed emotions cause uncontrollable stress. Name your emotions like a child would point and name the animals at the zoo. When you
feel an uncomfortable emotion, silently say to yourself, “this one is uncertainty," or, "this one is insecurity."
Accept
When you stop fighting an emotion, you strip that emotion of its power. As Susan says, "We end the tug of war by
dropping the rope.”
We fight back uncomfortable emotions because we believe that we ALWAYS need to feel good. “The goal is not to always feel good. The
goal is to deal with destructive thoughts and emotions so you don’t get hooked (i.e., identify with your emotions), derail your progress,
your relationships and your career or business.” – Susan David
Start down the path of recovery by accepting emotions: feel them without judging them; an emotion is neither good or bad, it just is.
Step out
“Stepping out means learning to see yourself as the chessboard, filled with possibilities, rather than as any one piece on
the board, confined to certain preordained moves.” – Susan David
When you hear a rude comment and experience anger, you don't have to react aggressively. You can take a second to step out
of your emotion and choose to respond thoughtfully.
When you feel anxious in a social setting, you don't need to reach for your phone and distract yourself. Instead, you can step out
of your emotion, watch your anxiety rise and fall, choose to be polite, and start a conversation with the person beside you.
How to step out: After you name and accept an emotion, take a second to visualize yourself standing outside of your body looking back at
yourself and your emotion. Watch your emotion rise and fall and objectively determine if the emotion is helpful or not.
Act according to your values
When you step out and detach from an emotion, you lift the fog and see the road ahead (your goals) and the signposts on
the side of the road (your values ‐ the people and activities that matter most)
Ask yourself: “If I react to this emotion, will I be acting according to my values?”
By getting in the habit of asking "If I react to this emotion, will I be acting according to my values?", every uncomfortable emotion is a
reminder to live with purpose.
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our
response lies our growth and our freedom.” ‐ Viktor Frankl, Holocaust survivor
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