Be Yourself

QU ESTIONS AN D ANSWE RS F OR
LESB IAN, GAY, B ISEXUAL,

TRANSG E N DE R, QU E E R, AN D
QU ESTION I NG YOUTH
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About this publication:

Be Yourself: Questions & Answers for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender,
Queer, and Questioning Youth is copyrighted. For reprint permission,
please contact the PFLAG National office, info@pflag.org, (202) 467-8180.
Editorial Team: Rachel Lichtman, Liz Owen, Ryan Sasse
Content/Editorial Review: Robert Bernstein, John R. Cepek

Dr. Kay A. Heggestad, MD, Jody M. Huckaby, Ellen James, Elizabeth
Kohm, Jean-Marie Navetta, Diego Sanchez
PFLAG NATIONAL GLOSSARY OF TERMS:
Ally: A term used to describe some- it comes to being out, and to respect
one who does not identify as LGBTQ where each person is in that process
but who is supportive of LGBTQ of self-identification. It is up to each
individuals and the community, person, individually, to decide if and
either personally or as an advocate. when to come out or disclose.
Bisexual: An individual who is Gay: The adjective used to describe

emotionally, romantically, and/ people whose emotional, roman-
or physically attracted to men and tic, and/or physical attraction is to
women. Sometimes stated as “bi.” people of the same sex (e.g., gay
People who are bisexual need not man, gay people). In contemporary
have had equal sexual experience contexts, “lesbian” is often a pre-
with both men and women and, in ferred term for women. People who
fact, need not have had any sexual are gay need not have had any sexual
experience at all; it is the attraction experience; it is the attraction that
that helps determine orientation. helps determine orientation.
Cisgender: A term used to describe Gender expression: The manner

an individual whose gender identity in which a person chooses to com-
aligns with the one typically associ- municate their gender identity to
ated with the sex assigned to them others through external means such
at birth. as clothing and/or mannerisms. This
communication may be conscious
Coming out: For people who are or subconscious and may or may not
lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgen- reflect their gender identity or sexual
der, the process of self-acceptance orientation. While most people’s un-
that continues throughout one’s life. derstandings of gender expressions
Sometimes referred to as “disclos- relate to masculinity and femininity,
ing” by the transgender community. there are countless combinations
People often establish a lesbian, gay, that may incorporate both mascu-
bisexual, or transgender/gender- line and feminine expressions—or
nonconforming identity to them- neither—through androgynous
selves first and then may choose to expressions. The important thing to
reveal it to others. Coming out can remember and respect is that every
also apply to the family and friends gender expression is valid.
of lesbian, gay, bisexual, or trans-
gender youth or adults. There are Gender identity: One’s deeply
many different degrees of being out: held personal, internal sense of be-
some may be out to friends only, ing male, female, some of both, or
some may be out publicly, and some neither. One’s gender identity does
may be out only to themselves. It’s not always correspond to biological
important to remember that not sex (i.e., a person assigned female at
everyone is in the same place when birth identifies as male or a person
1 BE YOURSEL F W W W. P F L A G . O R G
assigned male at birth identifies as Intersex/disorders of sex
female). Awareness of gender iden- development (DSD): Individuals
tity is usually experienced in infancy born with chromosomal anomalies
and reinforced in adolescence. or ambiguous genitalia. In the past,
medical professionals commonly as-
Gender nonconforming A per- signed a male or female gender to the
son who views their gender identity individual and proceeded to perform
as one of many possible genders gender assignment surgeries begin-
beyond strictly female or male. Oth- ning in infancy and often continuing
er terms for gender nonconforming into adolescence, before a child was
include “gender creative,” “gender able to give informed consent. The
variant,” “genderqueer,” “gender Intersex Society of North America
fluid”, “gender neutral,” “bigen- opposes this practice of genital mu-
dered,” “androgynous,” or “gender tilation on infants and children. In-
diverse.” Such people feel that they tersex/DSD is unrelated to, but often
exist psychologically between gen- confused with, LGBTQ issues. Please
ders, as on a spectrum, or beyond note: the medical term “hermaphro-
the notion of the male and female dite” has been used in the past, but is
binary paradigm. Gender noncon- no longer an acceptable term.
forming people sometimes prefer
Lesbian: A woman whose emo-
using gender-neutral pronouns such
tional, romantic, and/or physical
as “their,” “ze,” or “hir,” and are usually
attraction is to other women. People
comfortable with their bodies as they
who are lesbians need not have
are regardless of how they express
had any sexual experience; it is the
their gender.
attraction that helps determine
orientation.
Homophobia: An aversion to les-
bian or gay people that often mani- LGBT: An acronym for lesbian, gay,
fests itself in the form of prejudice bisexual, and transgender which re-
and bias. Similarly, “biphobia” is an fers to these individuals collectively.
aversion to bisexuality and people It is sometimes stated as “GLBT”
who are bisexual, and “transphobia” (gay, lesbian, bi, and transgender).
is an aversion to people who are Occasionally, the acronym is stated
transgender. “Homophobic,” “bias “LGBTA” to include allies, “ LG-
phobic,” and “transphobic” are the BTQ,” with “Q” representing queer
related adjectives. Collectively, these or questioning, or “LGBTI,” with the
attitudes are referred to as “anti- “I” representing intersex.
LGBTQ bias.”
Pansexual: A person whose emo-
Homosexual: An outdated clinical tional, romantic, and/or physical
term often considered derogatory attraction is to people of all gen-
and offensive, as opposed to the pre- der identities and biological sexes.
ferred terms, “gay” and “lesbian.” People who are pansexual need not
WWW.PFL AG.ORG BE YOURSELF 2

have had any sexual experience; it is part of the human condition, while
the attraction that helps determine sexual behavior involves the choices
orientation. one makes in acting on one’s sexual
orientation. One can have sex with
Queer: A term currently used by someone and even have children,
some people—particularly youth— but that doesn’t necessarily define or
to describe themselves and/or their align with their sexual orientation.
community. Some value the term for Many LGB people have first married
its defiance, some like it because it an opposite-sex partner and had
can be inclusive of the entire com- children with them, sometimes out
munity, and others find it to be an of a sense of obligation or cultural
appropriate term to describe their expectation, before coming out as
more fluid identities. Traditionally a gay or lesbian. It is important to
negative or pejorative term for peo- remember that one’s sexual activ-
ple who are gay, “queer” is disliked ity does not define who one is with
by many within the LGBT commu- regard to one’s sexual orientation; it
nity, who find it offensive. Due to its is the attraction that helps determine
varying meanings, this word should orientation.
only be used when self-identifying
or quoting someone who self- Transgender: A term describ-
identifies as queer (i.e. “My cousin ing the state of a person’s gender
self-identifies as genderqueer.”) identity which does not necessarily
match their assigned sex at birth.
Questioning: A term used to Other terms commonly used are
describe those who are in a process “female to male” (FTM), “male to
of discovery and exploration about female” (MTF), and “genderqueer.”
their sexual orientation, gender Transgender people may or may not
identity, gender expression, or a decide to alter their bodies hor-
combination thereof. monally and/or surgically to match
their gender identity (also referred
Sexual orientation: Emotional, to as “transsexual.”) This word is
romantic, or sexual feelings toward also used as a broad umbrella term
other people. People who are straight to describe those who transcend
experience these feelings primarily conventional expectations of gender
for people of the opposite sex. People identity or expression. Like any um-
who are gay or lesbian experience brella term, many different groups
these feelings primarily for people of people with different histories
of the same sex, people who are and experiences are often included
bisexual experience these feelings within the greater transgender
for people of both sexes, and people community—such groups include,
who are asexual experience no sexual but are certainly not limited to,
attraction at all. Other terms include people who identify as transsexual,
(but are not limited to) pansexual genderqueer, gender variant, gender
and polysexual. Sexual orientation is diverse, and androgynous.
INTRODUCTION
Sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression are

complex concepts and discovering your own unique identity
can be confusing. Deciding to come out as LGB or queer—or disclosing
yourself as transgender—can be challenging and puzzling, and leave you
filled with questions.
Think about it: you’re becoming an But what if you can’t relate? If you’re
adult, which can feel both exciting a teen who is lesbian, gay, bisexual,
and frustrating, especially when transgender, queer, or gender
you don’t yet have an adult’s rights. nonconforming—or wondering if
You’re becoming more independent, you are—you may feel unprepared,
and your relationship with your par- uninformed, and even excluded.
ents, guardians, or family members
is changing. It’s a new experience Maybe your friends and family have
for them; they’re talked to you
learning to ac- about dating,
Realizing that I’m not falling in love,
cept that you’re
straight was the least and getting mar-
not a little child expected thing to happen
anymore. ried. But they
to me. One night I was
journaling, and without probably have
Then, all of a thinking, wrote down “I’m never talked
sudden, your bisexual”. Since then, I’ve about what hap-
peers realize that realized that I don’t really pens when a boy
the opposite sex like labeling myself. falls in love with
isn’t that bad and - Anonymous, 16, Cleveland, Ohio another boy or
couples start pop- about what you
ping up all over can do when
school. Soon such your physical
relationships might seem like the anatomy just doesn’t “match up”
most important things in the world. with how you feel inside. In fact,

a lot of what you’ve heard about sexual orientation, a gender identity,
LGBTQ people might have come and a gender expression.
from people at school, where “gay,”
“lesbian,” “queer,” “fag,” “dyke,” and Two: It takes time to know who you
“tranny” are words sometimes used are. It’s okay to be confused, it’s okay
to harass and insult other people; to be unsure, and it’s okay to take
you may even have experienced this your time finding out. There’s no
discriminatory language within your need to rush the process.
own family.
Three: You’re not alone. Right
Our culture is dominated by het- now, there are tens of thousands of
erosexual and gender-conforming out LGBTQ youth, and thousands
images and messages. Television, more who are wondering if they are
movies, and magazines mostly show LGBTQ too. It may seem hard to
men and women together, most imagine, especially if your commu-
music is about falling in love with nity isn’t exactly LGBTQ-friendly.
someone of the opposite sex, and However, there are ways to reach
many of your friends are probably out to other LGBTQ young people.
talking about the opposite sex. And, If you call any of the numbers at
while most people your age seem to the back of this book or log on to
fit neatly into expected gender roles, any of the websites listed, you can
you may feel you don’t—or don’t reach thousands of other youth who
want to. have already gone through, or are
currently going through, their own
This publication aims to help you journeys of self-discovery. They’re
understand yourself and the LGBTQ people with whom you can talk
community by answering some of openly, compare unique life experi-
your questions and recommending ences, and ask advice.
supportive resources. The questions
other youth have asked about being Obviously, this publication cannot
LGBTQ shape this publication; we ask or answer every question, but we
hope it will help you find answers of hope it gives you a place to start. You
your own. don’t have to be alone when learning
about and identifying your sexual
First, three major points: orientation or gender identity/ex-
pression. The resources beginning
One: There is nothing wrong with on page 35 will give you a place to
being LGBTQ; it’s as normal as continue your own journey—to find
being left-handed. It’s just another information, to find answers, to find
part of who you are. Everyone has a friends, and to get support.
Our best advice? coming out will
Be yourself. If Once I came to terms with present you with
you are LGBTQ, being male, I felt so much questions and
you’ll soon find better. I accepted who I am situations you
that you have the and immediately wanted have never faced
power to shape others to do the same. before, you’ll
and define your - Anonymous, 15, Jasper, Georgia also find great
identity and the joy and comfort
way you choose to in the journey of
express it. While self-discovery.

FREQUENTLY
ASKED QUESTIONS
DANGER/SELF-HARM ● I have a crush on someone

at my school. How can I
● I am in danger, and tell if they’re LGB too?
sometimes think of
harming myself. I need
help! GENDER IDENTITY/
EXPRESSION
● What’s the difference
SEXUAL ORIENTATION between sexual orientation,
gender identity, and gender
● How do people become expression?
straight, lesbian, gay,
bisexual, or other ● What’s the difference
orientations? between being transgender
and being transsexual?
● I think I might be lesbian,
gay, or bisexual. How do I ● When do transgender
know for sure? people know that they are
differently gendered?
● How can I be sure of my
sexual orientation if I’m ● What is the typical
not sexually active? process of “transition” for
transgender people?
● I thought LGB people act a
certain way. If I don’t fit the ● What does it mean to be
stereotype, am I still LGB? gender nonconforming
or gender variant, and
● I have a crush on my same- how is that different from
sex best friend. Does this identifying as transgender?
mean I’m LGB? And what does it mean to
be genderqueer?
● Aren’t there only two COMING OUT
genders?
● Should I come out?
● I think I might be
transgender (also known as ● How should I come out?
“gender variant,” “gender
creative,” or “gender ● Should I come out to my
nonconforming”). How do parent(s) or guardian(s),
I know for sure? and how should I do it?
● I can’t come out to my

parent(s) or guardians(s).
MENTAL HEALTH Whom should I tell?
● Is being lesbian, gay, or ● Will people accept me after

bisexual a mental disorder? I come out?
● Is being transgender a ● Will I lose my non-LGBTQ

mental disorder? friends? Where will I find
LGBTQ friends?
● What about “ex-gay”
ministries and so-called ● Can I have a family of my
“reparative therapy”—can own?
they help me?
● I feel so alone, are there
people I can talk to?
THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY

● I don’t see other LGBTQ STAYING SAFE
people around me. Am I
the only LGBTQ person in ● What if I’m harassed at
my community? school?
● Sometimes I don’t see ● What if I’m harassed

myself reflected in the outside of school?
LGBT community. Are
there resources for youth
● Do I need to worry about
HIV/AIDS?
of color?

DANGER/SELF-HARM but rather part of our human
condition, like handedness.
I am in danger, and
sometimes think of harming Remember, everyone has a sexual
myself. I need help! orientation. There is more than one
school of thought about why some
THE SHORT ANSWER: If you people are LGB. Most experts believe
are in crisis or thinking about that we are born with our sexual
self-harm or suicide, you need orientation—a concept called the
immediate support. Please “nature” argument. Other believe
turn to the inside front cover of that being LGB is a choice, influenced
this publication for important by upbringing, cultural influences,
contact information to get the and other external factors—the
help you need. “nurture” argument. And some
believe it is a combination of both
You are a unique person, worthy nature and nurture. Regardless of
of love, friendship, and support. how our sexual orientation develops,
Regardless of how you identify or the majority of evidence states that it
whom you love, you have the right is nearly impossible to change.
to feel safe and secure. If you feel
unsafe, if you feel unsure, if you feel The American Psychological
like you have nowhere to turn, there Association (APA) is the largest
are people who can help. association of psychologists
worldwide. In its online Psychology
Turn immediately to the inside Help Center, which discusses “Sexual
front cover of this publication orientation, homosexuality and
for important helpline numbers,
bisexuality,” the APA confirms its
including The Trevor Project.
stance—declared publicly in 1975—
that: “...most people experience little
or no sense of choice about their
SEXUAL ORIENTATION sexual orientation.” The APA goes on
to explain that sexual orientation is
How do people become created by a complicated mixture of
straight, lesbian, gay, bisexual, genetics, hormones, development, and
or other orientations? influences both cultural and social;
no single factor solely determines
THE SHORT ANSWER: No one one’s sexual orientation. To read more
really knows for sure. However, about health, emotional awareness,
the vast majority of credible and sexuality, visit the APA’s Online
professional experts believe that Help Center at www.apa.org/
sexual orientation is not a choice helpcenter/sexual-orientation.aspx.
I think I might be lesbian, If you think you’re LGB, try not to
gay, or bisexual. How do I hide your feelings from yourself.
know for sure? Yes, figuring out who you are can
be stressful, emotional, and a little
THE SHORT ANSWER: You’ll scary—you may not want to deal
know when you know. It could with it—but taking some time
take a while, and it’s OK to alone to think about how you feel
remain unsure. There’s no is the first step toward accepting
need to rush. yourself. Give yourself permission to
explore your thoughts, feelings, and
There are hundreds of different emotions. Remember, everyone is
ways to realize you are not straight. unique and perfect in their own way.
Some LGB people say that from
the time they were very young they
“just felt different” or “just knew”
they weren’t like their friends. Some How can I be sure of my
didn’t share the same opposite-sex sexual orientation if I’m not
grade-school crushes and some were sexually active?
more interested in their same-sex
classmates. THE SHORT ANSWER: You
don’t need to have sex to
People who are LGB often say it discover who you are. It is the
took a while to put a name to their attraction that helps determine
feelings. Once they learned what sexual orientation.
being LGB was, it started to make
sense to think about their own It’s important to know that you don’t
sexual orientation in those terms. have to have had a sexual experience
It fit with the to know that
feelings they’d you’re lesbian,
Since first realizing three gay, or bisexual.
had while
years ago that I am bisexual, Most people
growing up. and coming out to most of
experience
my family and friends in the
Many don’t begin intervening years, I have crushes when
to think about grown tremendously as a they are quite
their sexual person. I am on my way to young, before
orientation until living a more authentic life. they become
they’re teenagers - Lauren O., 24, Frisco, Texas sexually active.
or adults. This Think about
is completely your own past
normal. We figure out our identities crushes: your feelings and your
in our own time—sometimes it takes emotional and physical attractions
months; other times it takes decades. will help tell you who you are.

I thought LGB people act a Remember: you don’t need to prove
certain way. If I don’t fit the anything to anybody. Be yourself.
stereotype, am I still LGB?
THE SHORT ANSWER:
Ignore the stereotypes. Some I have a crush on my same-
people fit them, some people sex best friend. Does this
don’t. Be yourself. mean I’m LGB?
People who are LGB, like people SHORT ANSWER: Not

who are straight, can act in many necessarily.
different ways, and might or might
not fit stereotypes. If you don’t fit Enjoying intimate experiences—like
a common stereotype for an LGB cuddling, kissing, or holding
person, it doesn’t mean you’re not hands—with someone of the same
really LGB—there is a wide range sex doesn’t automatically mean
of diversity within that community, you’re lesbian, gay, or bisexual, just
just as there is throughout every part as enjoying intimate experiences
of society. People use stereotypes with someone of the opposite sex
to help them understand what doesn’t automatically mean you’re
to expect from certain groups of straight.
people. However, some stereotypes
Many people develop crushes on
stem from a lack of experience with
someone of the same sex at some
the type of person in question or
point in their lives, and we often
from ignorance and/or prejudice,
explore or identify with different
and are simply incorrect. For
gender roles and expectations
example, you might hear that gay
throughout our lives. Many LGB
men aren’t strong or athletic. Or
people have some sexual experiences
that lesbians appear or act more
with someone of the opposite sex,
masculine. But these are stereotypes,
and many non-LGB people have
and aren’t one-size-fits-all. Visit
some same-sex sexual experiences.
www.lgbthistorymonth.com for a
Those who enjoy such experiences
searchable database of LGB icons
with both sexes often identify as
and note the diversity of the people
bisexual. However, sometimes
listed there.
it takes some trial and error to
Bottom line: don’t worry about determine what we like and what we
the stereotypes, and don’t let labels don’t like.
define you. There are as many
Think of sexuality as a range, or
different ways to express your LGB
“sexual continuum.” At one end of
identity as there are people in this
the range are many people who are
world.
attracted only to the same sex. At
the other end of the range are many person based on hurtful and often
people who are attracted only to the unsupported stereotypes (see our
opposite sex. And in between are answer to “I thought LGB people
people who are attracted to both act certain ways. If I don’t fit a
sexes in varying degrees. stereotype, am I still LGB?”).
Again, remember that our sexuality People sometimes joke about having
develops over “gaydar,” a “radar”
time. Don’t that senses who
worry if you When I was a sophomore is LGB. Figuring
in high school I realized
aren’t sure. Your out if someone is
that my attraction to girls
early years are a was stronger than some LGB if they’re not
time of learning, ordinary “girl crush.” I completely “out”
bit by bit, what didn’t think I could be gay is like figuring
works for you, because I am very feminine. out if someone
and crushes and I love fashion and makeup, is interested in
experimentation and it was hard for me to you. Sometimes
are often part of push past the stereotypes. you can tell;
that process. Over - Rachel, 17, Highland Park, sometimes you
time, you’ll find New Jersey can’t. It can be
that you’re drawn an extremely
mostly to men, women, or both—or frustrating and stressful process,
neither!—and then you’ll know. You but it is part of getting to know the
don’t have to label yourself. people around you. It takes time and
sometimes more patience than you
think you might have!
I have a crush on someone
at my school. How can I Asking your friends or theirs won’t
tell if they’re LGB too? guarantee an accurate answer. And
while you can casually observe
THE SHORT ANSWER: them to try to find some clues—do
You can’t definitely, without they have pro-LGBTQ stickers on
asking—which presents its their backpack or locker? Are they
own unique challenges. a member of the Gay-Straight
Alliance (GSA) at your school?—
It’s impossible to know for sure these things mean that they may be
whether someone identifies as LGB, or they may be a supportive
LGB just by looking at them. We ally. The only way to find out
shouldn’t assume people are LGB someone’s sexual orientation is
because of the way they look, to talk to them about it directly.
dress, or act. Doing so would mean However, it’s extremely important
making assumptions about the to respect another person’s privacy.

They may not want to talk about or sense of being male, female,
it, could be upset that you asked some combination of both, or
them, or may not want to be neither; and one describes how
recognized as LGB. As a general we present ourselves outwardly
rule, be very careful when asking to others.
someone such a personal question
unless you know them very well, It’s pretty common for people to see
and even then, be sensitive to the the acronym “LGBTQ” and think it’s
other person’s privacy. Approach all about sex or sexual orientation.
them the way you would want to be But it’s not! The “transgender”
approached about the subject. portion of the acronym represents
gender identity and is completely
Remember, you can’t expect separate from sexual orientation and
someone else to come to terms with sexual behavior.
their sexual orientation any quicker
than you are coming to terms with Many people think that all
your own. But be patient. One day (if transgender people or all people
it hasn’t happened already), someone with nonconforming gender
will have a crush on you and they expressions are lesbian, gay, or
will be wondering whether you’re bisexual. They aren’t!
LGB or straight (or neither!) too.
In fact, just as each of us has a sexual
orientation (straight, gay, or bi), we
all have a gender identity and a way
GENDER IDENTITY/ of expressing it. Our gender identity
EXPRESSION is how we feel inside about being a
girl, a boy, something in between,
What’s the difference or neither; our gender expression is
between sexual orientation, how we dress and act to express or
gender identity, and gender communicate our gender outwardly
expression? (which may or may not correlate
with our gender identity); and
THE SHORT ANSWER: our sexual orientation describes
Every person in the world to whom we are attracted. Sexual
has a sexual orientation, orientation is separate and distinct
gender identity, and gender from gender identity, and gender
expression. One describes expression is separate and distinct
our sexual attractions; one from both sexual orientation and
describes our internal feeling gender identity.
What’s the difference something). Just as you wouldn’t
between being say someone is “gayed” or
transgender and being “straightened,” so too you wouldn’t
transsexual? say someone is, or has been,
“transgendered.” Saying “Alice is
THE SHORT ANSWER: a person who is transgender” is
Transsexual people often, but correct—just like saying “Alice
not always, use medicine and is blonde”—but saying “Alice
surgery to help their bodies is a transgender” or “Alice is
match their gender identity, transgendered” is not. Using these
while most transgender people adjectives as nouns or verbs is
do not. considered offensive, so avoid using
them in those ways.
The term “transgender” is an
umbrella term, often used to refer
to anyone who falls somewhere on When do transgender
the gender spectrum, including people know that they are
people who have gender identities differently gendered?
and expressions that don’t mesh
well with their assigned sex at THE SHORT ANSWER: One’s
birth, such as transsexual and sense of gender happens at
genderqueer people. “Transsexual” different times for different
is a lesser-used term (considered people.
by some to now be outdated)
which refers to people who are Many transgender people
transgender who use (or consider remember “feeling different” from
using) medical interventions such their earliest childhood memories.
as hormone therapy and/or surgery But because of stigma and lack
as part of the process of expressing of information, they can struggle
their gender. for many years to accept this
difference. As
The words more information
“When I came out to my
“transgender” for transgender
parents as transgender, people becomes
and “transsexual”
do have one thing
it was after thought and available, we
in common: debate...I was tired of are seeing
they are both hiding myself at home transgender
adjectives (used and pretending being people openly
to describe misgendered didn’t expressing their
something) not bother me.” true gender
nouns (used - Anonymous, 17, Madison, WI identity at
to identify younger ages.

What is the typical process Gender nonconforming—or gender
of “transition” for trans- variant or gender creative—is a
gender people? term for individuals whose gender
expression is different from the
THE SHORT ANSWER: There societal expectations based on
is no “typical” transition their assigned sex at birth. Just as
process, because there are many with transgender people, gender-
different ways to transition. nonconforming people may or may
not identify as transgender, male,
For transsexual people, the female, both, or neither.
Standards of Care requires a “gender
identity disorder” diagnosis, Genderqueer people identify outside
as defined by the American of the gender binary of being either
Psychological Association, in order a man or a woman. They may think
to qualify for medical treatments, of themselves as both man and
hormones, and various surgeries. woman, neither man nor woman,
This diagnosis is controversial in moving between two genders, or a
transgender communities because it third gender altogether.
perpetuates stigma and medicalizes
what many believe is simply
another natural human variation. Aren’t there only two
genders?
THE SHORT ANSWER: No. In

What does it mean to be
America we tend to recognize
gender nonconforming
only two genders, referred to as
or gender variant, and the “gender binary”—masculine/
how is that different from man/male and feminine/woman/
identifying as transgender? female. But many cultures
And what does it mean to recognize many more than two.
be genderqueer?
The Bugis people of Indonesia
THE SHORT ANSWER: recognize a total of five genders.
Identifying as transgender In India and Bangladesh there is
versus identifying as gender a third gender called “Hijra” that
nonconforming (also called is neither male nor female. The
“gender variant”) are two Fa’afafine are a third gender, as well
different things. The first as a sexuality, in Samoa. The Muxe
relates to one’s gender people are a third gender in Mexico.
identity; the latter relates to To learn more about how other
one’s gender expression. cultures perceive gender, check out
this 2011 interactive map—and
supplementary material—from PBS THE SHORT ANSWER: You’ll
which shows dozens of cultures that know when you know. It could
recognize more than two genders: take a while, and it is okay to
www.pbs.org/independentlens/two- remain unsure. There’s no
spirits/map.html. need to rush.
Like our sexual orientation, our There are hundreds of different

gender identity can be looked at as ways to realize you are not gender
a continuum as conforming and
well. There is hundreds more
I came out to everyone to realize you are
a whole range
at my school’s first-ever uncomfortable
of identities to GSA meeting…instead of
be found on with your gender
giving my feminine birth or physical sex.
the “gender name, I introduced myself
Some people say
spectrum.” as Elijah and admitted that
Throughout I was trans. I remember that from the time
our lives, we trembling with fear but they were very
can experience everyone was brilliantly young they “felt
and express accepting. different” or “just
our gender in a - Anonymous, 16, knew” they weren’t
variety of ways. Olmsted Falls, Ohio like their friends,
Our gender rejecting the
expression can change over time stereotypical gender characteristics
as we have new experiences and they were “supposed” to display.
become aware of new ideas.
People who are transgender or
Remember, gender is a label created gender nonconforming often say it
by people. Labels like gender are took a while to put a name to their
used to help us figure out what to feelings—it wasn’t until they learned
expect from one another. They aren’t what the terms meant that it made
set in stone, and there is no right or sense to think about their gender
wrong gender to have or express. identity and/or expression in those
terms; it fit with the feelings they’d
had while growing up.
I think I might be Many other people don’t begin to

transgender (or “gender figure out their gender identity
variant,” “gender until they’re teenagers or adults.
creative,” or “gender This is completely normal. We
figure out our identities in our own
nonconforming”). How do I
time—sometimes it takes months;
know for sure?
other times it takes decades.

As with sexuality, some people know The American Psychiatric
what their gender identity is at an Association declared in 1973 that
early age, and know that it doesn’t homosexuality is not a mental
match the “boy” or “girl” label they disorder or disease, and the
were assigned at birth. For others, American Psychological Association
gender identity develops and changes says that it would be unethical to
over time. If you feel that your try to change a person’s sexual
gender identity does not match up orientation.
with the “boy” or “girl” label others
assume you to have, it is completely
normal to explore and learn about
other ways to express yourself. Is being transgender a
Gender identity can be expressed in mental disorder?
many ways—referred to as “gender
expression”—and people use SHORT ANSWER: Absolutely
clothing, makeup, accessories, name not.
changes, and sometimes medical
Being transgender or gender
procedures to express outwardly how
nonconforming is not a disorder.
they feel on the inside.
It is important to know, though,
Try not to hide your feelings from that in July 2012, the American
yourself. Yes, figuring out who you Psychiatric Association (APA)
are can be stressful, emotional, and removed the diagnostic term
a little scary—you may not want to “gender identity disorder” from the
deal with it—but taking some time Diagnostic and Statistical Manual
alone to think about how you feel of Mental Disorders (DSM) and
is the first step toward accepting replaced it with “gender dysphoria,”
yourself. Give yourself permission to in the new edition, published in May
explore your thoughts, feelings, and 2013. The DSM says that gender
emotions. Remember, everyone is dysphoria can be diagnosed when a
unique and perfect in their own way. person’s gender identity/expression
is different from their assigned
gender at birth and at the same time
associated with “clinically significant
MENTAL HEALTH distress or impairment” in their
social life, career, or other important
Is being lesbian, gay, or areas of life. As a result of such
bisexual a mental disorder? distress, those with untreated gender
dysphoria have a “significantly
THE SHORT ANSWER: increased risk of suffering.”
Absolutely not. However, gender dysphoria narrows
treatment to those who experience
personal distress over their gender Because sexual orientation and
incongruity. gender identity are not chosen, you
cannot “change your mind” or “pray
Therefore, gender dysphoria isn’t the gay away” if you are lesbian, gay,
about simply being gender variant. bisexual, or transgender. After all,
It has to do with did our non-
the absence LGBT friends and
or presence of I was raised in a Christian loved ones choose
suffering and home, so homosexuality to be non-LGBT?
discomfort a was off limits. I tried so These “reparative”
person might hard to be straight, but it measures have
feel if they are just didn’t feel right. After
been proven to
unhappy or having a boyfriend for three
months, I just gave up and cause serious
uncomfortable damage and
came out. Now I have a
with their girlfriend and I am ecstatic. potentially dire
gender identity - Anonymous, 20, Bloomington, consequences
or incongruity. Indiana for the patients
As documented involved.
by empirical
and clinical data, there are A few things to know:
many transgender and gender-
nonconforming people who are very ● In 1990, the American
happy and comfortable with their Psychological Association
gender identity and don’t need or stated that scientific evidence
seek treatment. shows that reparative therapy
does not work, and that it can
do more harm than good.
What about “ex-gay”
ministries and so-called ● In 1997, the American
Psychological Association
“reparative therapy”—can
again publicly cautioned
they help me? against reparative therapy,
THE SHORT ANSWER: No. also known as “conversion
Not only do these measures— therapy.”
like “pray the gay away”—not
● In 1998, the American
work, but also they are
Psychiatric Association
likely to harm you. Every
declared its opposition to
major mainstream medical,
reparative therapy, stating
psychiatric, and psychological
that “psychiatric literature
association has denounced
strongly demonstrates
this type of so-called therapy.
that treatment attempts to

change sexual orientation organization—shut its doors,
are ineffective. However, its founder issuing an apology
the potential risks are great, for the many harms their
including depression, anxiety methods caused over the
and self-destructive [suicidal] years.
behavior.”
The practice of “reparative therapy”
● The American Medical is deemed so harmful that there are
Association states in policy now laws in California and New
number H-160.991 that it Jersey outlawing the practice for
“opposes the use of ‘reparative’ minors, with other states—and the
or ‘conversion’ therapy that is federal government—considering
based upon the assumption similar bills. Many PFLAG parents
that homosexuality per se is have seen firsthand how damaging
a mental disorder or based so-called reparative therapy has been
upon the a priori assumption to their children. PFLAG members
that the patient should believe that it is important that we
change his/her homosexual educate society based on scientific
orientation.” facts and reputable professional
opinions, not on the ideological and
● In 2001, the U.S. Surgeon pseudo-scientific beliefs expressed
General’s Call to Action to by ex-gay ministries and advocates
Promote Sexual Health and of reparative therapy.
Responsible Sexual Behavior
asserted that homosexuality Knowing who these groups are and
is not “a reversible lifestyle the various names under which
choice.” they work is important. See page 37
for a list of some of them.
● In 2009, the American
Psychological Association
added a resolution stating
“mental health professionals THE LGBTQ
should avoid telling clients COMMUNITY
that they can change their
sexual orientation through I don’t see LGBTQ people
therapy or other treatments,” around me. Am I the only
because there was no evidence LGBTQ person in my
that these efforts worked. community?
● In 2013, Exodus THE SHORT ANSWER: No.
International—the world’s You are definitely NOT the
largest “ex-gay” ministry only one; you are one of many.
According to a study released in Sometimes I don’t see
2013 by the Williams Institute, the myself reflected in the
percentage of adults in the United LGBTQ community. Are
States who identify as LGBT ranges there resources for youth
from 1.7% in North Dakota to 5.1% of color?
in Hawaii and 10% in the District of
Columbia. According to this study, THE SHORT ANSWER: Yes,
the average for the United States is there are more and more
roughly 3.5% of the population. resources for LGBTQ youth of
color and for others who have
And these LGBT people are a multiple identities (disabled
widely diverse population: they’re youth, homeless youth, and
white, black, Asian, Pacific-Islander, others).
Latino/a, Hispanic, and Native
American. As an LGBTQ
They’re Jewish, youth of color you
Catholic, Muslim, I’ve told only a few might face issues
Christian, people I’m asexual. I that affect how
Sikh, Baptist, used to think there was
you experience,
Protestant, Hindu, something wrong with
me, but my friends and act on, and come
Mormon, Baha’i, out regarding
my boyfriend are all
and Buddhist. supportive, and it’s great your sexual
They’re old and to know I’m not alone. orientation or
young, rich and - Kelly F., 21, Allentown, PA gender identity—
poor, Democrat, including cultural
Republican, and family
Green Party traditions, access to resources, and
and independent. They’re doctors immigration status. When deciding
and nurses, construction workers, whether to come out, you might
teachers and students, secretaries, worry about jeopardizing your
ministers and rabbis, store clerks, relationships with your family
mechanics, business people, police and friends in your racial/ethnic
officers, politicians, and athletes. community, about being accepted as
And when they were teenagers, a person of color in white LGBTQ
most of them probably felt the groups, and about potential racism
same way you do. If you get the and ignorance that you may find
feeling you’re all by yourself, just in some segments of the LGBTQ
remember: thousands of people have community.
gone through the journey you are
undertaking. You are not alone! However, there are people who
are LGBTQ in all communities
and in all cultures, as well as an

increasing number of resources community). You can come out to
available for you and your family. one person, to friends and family
For a list of resources for LGBTQ only, or to everyone you know.
youth of color, please visit www.
safeschoolscoalition.org/RG-glbt_ There’s no reason to come out
youth_of_color.html. if you aren’t ready. Sometimes
there are very good reasons not to
come out. There are people who
won’t accept you if you’re LGBTQ,
COMING OUT people who will do and say terrible
things. They could be your parents,
Should I come out? friends or classmates, or teachers
or coworkers, people you love
THE SHORT ANSWER: Only or depend on for financial help,
if you want to, and only when companionship, encouragement, or
you’re ready and feel safe other support. Like any big decision
doing so. Don’t come out just we make, there are real risks to
because someone else thinks coming out.
you should.
However, there are also very good
Think of yourself as a puzzle. reasons to let some people know
There are thousands of little pieces that you’re LGBTQ. Hiding your
which make up who you are. Your sexual orientation or gender
sexuality, gender identity, and identity keeps the important
gender expression are just three people in your life from knowing
parts of that puzzle—but without about a big part of you. By coming
them, your picture would be out you can live with integrity in
incomplete. regard to your sexual orientation
or gender identity, begin building
Realizing you’re LGBTQ doesn’t
community support, and form
change who you are. It just fills
healthy relationships. At some
in some of the blanks. Now, you
point, many LGBTQ people find
can choose to keep your personal
that the loneliness and isolation of
picture to yourself. Or you can
keeping a secret is worse than any
display it for others to see; it’s up
fear of coming out.
to you.
Whatever your reasons for thinking
If you’re LGBTQ, keeping your
you should or shouldn’t come out,
identity to yourself is called “being
it’s your decision and no one else’s.
in the closet.” Being open about it is
It’s also one you should make at
called “coming out” (or sometimes
your own speed.
“disclosing” in the transgender
How should I come out? You may consider becoming more
educated about sexual orientation
THE SHORT ANSWER: Start and gender identity before you
by coming out to yourself. come out. By doing so, you will
Then, choose those who are be able to respond to people who
closest to you to tell first. may have questions or wrong ideas
about LGBTQ topics. You’ll feel
Before you come out to others, you proud to know the facts if someone
have to come out to yourself. It may asks you a question or if you want
sound strange, but it’s actually very to correct someone’s incorrect
important. Knowing that you’re information about people who
LGBTQ is one are LGBTQ.
thing, but being Explore the
comfortable with My friend and I were
resources listed
being LGBTQ discussing David Tennant
from DR. WHO and I, then at the back of
and being sure this publication.
a closeted lesbian, said,
of who you are By learning
“That man makes me
as a person is question my sexuality.” The about others’
another. A lot friend asked, “Do you have experiences and
of people have something to tell me?” as talking about
learned to say, a joke, and I replied, “Yes,” yourself, you’ll
“I’m not straight, with a complete deadpan. It know more about
and that’s OK!” was awesome. who you are and
as a first step - Anonymous, 16, Germantown, what to expect
in the coming Maryland
when you come
out process. out. Let your
Remember, any friends and allies know that you’re
step forward is a step in the right getting ready to come out so they
direction. can support you.
There’s no standard or correct way A support system is important
to come out. Sometimes people when you’re coming out. You’ll
make a joke out of it, surprise want people around you who care
their friends, or slip it into a casual about you and will be there for you,
conversation. Some kids decide whether it’s just to talk or to give
to sit their parents down and talk you a hug when you need one, or to
about it, while others feel more give you a place to stay, if necessary.
comfortable writing their parents a If you don’t feel that you already
letter or an email. It all depends on have people like that, contact the
your relationship with your friends nearest PFLAG chapter or one of
and family, how you communicate the other groups listed at the back
best, and how you feel most safe. of this publication.

Should I come out to my friends who are LGBTQ?
parent(s) or guardian(s) Do they read books or go to
and how should I do it? movies that include same-
sex relationships? Is their
THE SHORT ANSWER: If faith community accepting
you’re ready—and with care. of people who are LGBTQ?
Have you heard them say
Many youth who are LGBTQ say that there’s nothing wrong
that their relationship with their with being lesbian, gay,
parents was much closer after they bisexual, or transgender?
came out because it was more
honest. They say it was a relief to ● Think about your
feel like they weren’t keeping a relationship with your
secret any more. parents. Have they shown
that they love you even when
Sometimes a child doesn’t come out they’re upset with you? Have
to their parents, but, rather, their they stuck by you even when
parents discover that their children you’ve done something they
at a much earlier age—sometimes didn’t like?
as young as two or three years
old—are expressing signs of gender ● Think about having a plan in
creativity. For these children, they place if they don’t respond
and their parents work through the well, including someone to
process together. call right away if you need
support. If you had to leave
But it doesn’t always work that home, do you have a place
way. Some teens are forced to leave to stay? If your parents cut
home. Some parents are abusive. off financial support, do you
And some family relationships have someone else who can
never recover. help you?
Before you come out to your You’re the only one who can answer
parents, there are some things for these questions. Weigh the balance
you to consider: of “yes” and “no” responses when
you’re thinking about coming
● Think about your parents’ out. Trust your gut. It’s almost
general reaction to LGBTQ always frightening coming out
people. Find out as much as to your parent(s) or guardian(s),
you can by observing your but if you’re terrified about it, you
parents or asking indirect should pay attention to that. Not all
questions. Do they have parents will be accepting.
If your answer to all or most of ● Visit our publications page
the questions above is “no,” do not at pflag.org/publications.
come out to your parents until you There you will have access to
have a safe place to go to and a way two helpful booklets, both
to support yourself. You might be free for download. We highly
better off waiting until you’re on recommend printing out
your own. If your answer to all or the appropriate publication
most of these questions is “yes,” to give to your parents or
then it’s probably safe to tell them. family members:
If you decide you can and want to Our Daughters and Sons:
tell your parent(s), think about how Questions and Answers for
you can make it Parents of Gay,
easiest on them and Lesbian and
yourself. When I came out to my Bisexual People.
parents, my mother cried. One of our
● Pick a time She cried because she most popular
when your could no longer officiate
publications,
parents my wedding ceremony
which had been a dream this booklet
are relaxed answers several
and not of hers since I was a child.
She would be defrocked if commonly
pressured by
she attempted to officiate. asked questions
work, family about having
- Meg B., 22, Westerville, Ohio
worries, or an LGB child
the holidays. and includes a
Otherwise, they might react list of related resources that
negatively because they feel will help your parents in
they don’t have the time to their own journey.
deal with it.
Welcoming Our Trans Family
● Visit pflag.org/find to locate
and Friends. This publication
your local PFLAG chapter
is available for you and
and speak to a parent who
your parents if you identify
can talk with you about how
as transgender or gender
your parents might react.
nonconforming.
This firsthand support is
invaluable. Be sure to ask Most of all: be prepared for your
that parent if you can have parents to need some time to
permission to put your accept your being LGBT—just as
own parents in touch with you probably needed some time
them, should they need that yourself.
support.

Even if they’re accepting of LGBTQ Even if they don’t have those
people in general, your parents reactions, your parents are probably
may be surprised to learn that going to feel worried about you.
you are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or In fact, they may have some of the
transgender. They may not want same worries you once had or still
to believe it at first and may need do have: whether this will put you
time to adjust to a different future in danger, whether your life will be
than they had envisioned for you. happy, whether you’ll have a family
In the extreme, they may talk of your own. These concerns can
about bringing in a psychiatrist to cause them to ignore or deny what
“cure” you (see page 36 for more you’ve told them.
information about this situation).
They may worry about how they’re
Before the psychological and going to tell other family members
psychiatric associations concluded and their friends. Before they do,
that being LGBTQ is perfectly it is important that they have your
OK, there were a lot of theories permission to come out about you
blaming parents for playing a role to others. That’s right: when you
in influencing their child’s sexual come out, your parents will start a
orientation and gender identity. coming-out process of their own.
As a result of such theories, your And the best thing you can do is
parents may worry about what you be ready with answers—or suggest
being LGBTQ says about them. people with whom they can talk.
They may worry whether they have The more homework you’ve done,
failed you in some way as parents, and the more self-assured you
and that worry can come out as seem, the more you’ll convince
anger and defensiveness. your parents that you’re ready to
take responsibility for yourself, and
Your parents could also feel that they may worry less. Ultimately, the
you’ve rejected them or their way of more support you—and they—
life by being LGBTQ, or that you’ve have, the better.
somehow changed their dreams
for you. This feeling of rejection is
very common among parents of I can’t come out to my
all teens, as teens becomes more parent(s) or guardians(s).
independent and parents have to Whom should I tell?
let go of their image of who or
what their child will be. Parents of THE SHORT ANSWER: If not
children who are LGBTQ might feel your parent(s) or guardian(s),
this sense of loss and rejection even tell only those people whom
more strongly. you want to know and whom
you have reason to trust.
Coming out isn’t something that from you? Would they tell other
you do once, and then it’s over. You kids at school? What would happen
might decide to come out now to if they did? Do you have a support
family members and later to friends, system to help you if this is the case?
or the other way around. Or perhaps Having a strong support network is
you could come out to a sibling critical as you start the coming out
now, and later to the rest of the process. The resources at the back
family and your friends. of this publication—including your
local PFLAG chapter—are a great
If you are transgender or place to start!
gender nonconforming, some
people, including your teachers, Think also about what you could
principal, and classmates, might lose by not telling a particular
be uncomfortable with how you person. Is your relationship with
publicly express yourself, especially your friend strained because you’re
if it challenges people’s sense of keeping a secret from them? Would
how they believe you be closer
women and men with them and
are supposed to Lucky to be from a family be able to get
dress and act. of free thinkers, coming more support
How you express out to my parents was from them if they
your gender is easy. What was not so understood why
something to easy was losing friends you were acting
think about, I trusted. But for every withdrawn?
friend I lost all those years
discuss with
ago, I’m fortunate to have Think about what
people you trust, two in their place that
and evaluate kinds of things
understand and cherish me
in terms of for who I am. you’ve been able to
your safety and - Wain S., 21, Casper, Wyoming
share with them in
what kind of the past and how
community you they have reacted.
have to support you. If you want to come out to someone
in particular, and you aren’t sure
The people you tell first should be how they’ll react, try to feel them
the ones you trust the most. You out first. You could get them talking
need to be able to trust them not to about a current event, book, movie,
hurt you, to accept you for who you or TV show about people who are
are, and to respect your privacy and LGBTQ.
not tell anyone you don’t want told.
Keep in mind, though, that
Think about what you could lose someone’s reaction to an LGBTQ
by telling a particular person. If it’s person in a movie might not be the
a friend, are they likely to withdraw same as it would be if that person
were their sibling or their friend. Will people accept me after
And it can work both ways: people I come out?
might seem either more or less
prejudiced in a hypothetical or THE SHORT ANSWER: Some
fictional situation than they would people will accept you and
when responding to someone close some won’t.
to them.
Prejudice and discrimination are
For example, because homophobia everywhere in America and around
and transphobia are so common, the world and it takes time to
a friend or a loved one might overcome bias and change attitudes.
without thinking joke about an
LGBTQ character in a movie—or If you are LGBTQ, it is more
might do so because they think likely than not that you will run
you expect that—but show far into prejudice. Our society has a
more thoughtfulness and a desire “straight assumption.” We’re taught
to understand when responding by our families, our schools, our
to your coming out. On the other religions, and the media to assume
hand, friends and loved ones that everyone is straight, which
who seem accepting of LGBTQ often influences us to discriminate
characters in the media might be against those who aren’t or
far less accepting of someone close who don’t appear to be. That
to them who identifies as LGBTQ. assumption has begun to change,
but it is still real for many people.
To get a sense of how someone
might react to your being LGBTQ, Our society also has assumptions
try to keep your questions specific, about what it means to be a boy or
personal, and thought provoking. girl or a man or woman and may
If, for example, you have a friend judge others by how they conform
who has an older brother off at to those preconceptions. These are
college or in the military, you called “traditional gender roles” or
could say something like, “I’ve “gender stereotypes,” and they refer
been reading about gay-straight to how people are “supposed” to
alliances on college campuses” or behave. These biases are changing
“I’ve been reading about marriage too—women in the workforce have
equality for people who are gay and transformed perceptions about the
lesbian. Would you be upset if your professions they “should” be in, for
brother came home and told you example. But roles remain rigid in
he was gay?” (Your friend might many places. Men with long hair are
even surprise you and answer, “My more accepted now than in the past,
brother is gay.”) but having long hair is not seen as
acceptable in all areas of our culture.
The prejudice you run into could Will I lose my non-LGBTQ
be fairly mild. For example, friends? Where will I find
someone assuming you’re straight LGBTQ friends?
and thereby embarrassing you (and
themselves). Or it could be far more THE SHORT ANSWER: To
serious: people who are LGBTQ the first question—probably
are sometimes kicked out of their not. And to the second—
homes, fired from their jobs—or everywhere.
worse—just for being LGBTQ.
It is usually easier to be close
Anti-LGBTQ biases are being to someone who is not hiding
challenged, however, as more and anything and is comfortable with
more people are getting to know themselves.
people who are LGBTQ, because
more of them are out than ever When coming out, though, be
before. Attitudes are also changing careful to trust only those who
because other people are standing you are confident will respect your
up with the LGBTQ community privacy and confidentiality. Friends
to say, “They are who tend to
my friends,” “they gossip can cause
I came out as a lesbian to
are my children,” my sister, and it was easy. problems, even if
or “they are my I came out as a lesbian they don’t mean
brothers”—and to my mother, and it was to hurt you.
“I’m proud of okay. I came out as a
them.” We call lesbian to my father, and Some friends will
these supportive it was difficult. I came out be supportive
individuals as a lesbian to my friends, right away. One
“allies.” and it was near impossible. or two friends
- Anonymous, 16 might have
Hayle, Cornwall, United Kingdom
Right now in already guessed
the U.S., it is that you’re not
estimated that eight in ten people straight or that you are transgender,
say that they personally know and you may find that you already
someone who is LGBT. If you have LGBTQ friends and didn’t
choose to come out, you’ll be part know it.
of making that number even bigger,
giving people the opportunity to Just as with your parents, consider
get to know you. and transforming how each friend is likely to feel
biased beliefs to ones of acceptance. when they learn that you are
LGBTQ, and how you can let them
see that you haven’t changed as a
person; offering them some of the

resources listed in the back of this groups for LGBTQ people who are
publication can help. differently abled.
Talking to friends who are LGBTQ Even if it seems to you that you must
about their coming out experiences be the only LGBTQ person at your
can also help. Finding new friends school, you aren’t. With as much
who are LGBTQ is really important. as 3.5% of the population being
These are people who know exactly LGBTQ, there are other LGBTQ
what you’re going through because students at your school whom you
they’ve been there, or are in the might already know (but not know
process of coming out themselves. that they’re LGBTQ) or whom you
might not yet have met. Remember
LGBTQ youth organizations are this the next time you may feel alone.
a good place to start because you
won’t have to try to figure out
whether another teen there is
LGBTQ or an ally. Most major cities Can I have a family of my
have LGBTQ youth organizations own?
where you’ll be able to meet people
easily. You’ll find new friends with THE SHORT ANSWER: Yes.
whom you can share experiences
and support, and learn more about Throughout the world, same-sex
yourself. Your school might have couples form and build long-lasting
a Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA), families. Many same-sex couples
and GSAs almost always have a hold ceremonies to celebrate their
supportive teacher or staff member commitment to each other and
as a sponsor. This is another to share their relationship with
excellent place to find not only peer family and friends. As of May
support but also a trusted adult. 2014, same-sex marriage is legal in
Washington, D.C., and the following
If you’re in a small town or in a states: California, Connecticut,
rural area, it may be harder to find Delaware, Hawaii, Illinois, Iowa,
groups like these. In that case, you Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts,
can get in touch with peers through Minnesota, New Hampshire, New
the websites and hotlines listed Jersey, New Mexico, New York,
in the back of this publication. Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island,
The organizations in the resource Vermont, and Washington, with
directory can also help you find a number of other states moving
more specific groups, such as ever-closer to legalizing marriage
organizations for LGBTQ African equality. Countries around the world
Americans, Arabs, Asian-Pacific are beginning to embrace marriage
Islanders, or Latinos/as or support equality as well. As of January
2014, the Netherlands, Belgium, continue to change, adoption
Spain, Canada, South Africa, of children by LGBTQ couples
Norway, Sweden, Portugal, Iceland, is becoming more common. An
Argentina, Denmark, France, Brazil, estimated 110,000 adopted children
Uruguay, Nepal, New Zealand, live with LGBTQ couples, and
England, Scotland, and Wales an additional 2 million same-
had legalized same-sex marriage. sex couples say they would be
Additionally, same-sex marriage is interested in adopting a child at
legally recognized in Mexico City, some point in their lives.
Cancun, and in 11 Brazilian states.
While there are still many legal and
A record number of companies, legislative challenges for same-sex
including a majority of companies couples, LGBTQ people throughout
in the Fortune 500, now treat same- the world are living with partners
sex partners the same as married and/or spouses in happy, healthy,
couples and and thriving
provide health- relationships
care coverage and Close friends were a very and families.
other benefits important and helpful They also play
for their LGBTQ support network. By a tremendous
employees’ surrounding myself with role in helping
positive people, allies and
partners. create a society
volunteering with LGBT
Additionally, organizations I found in which these
the United comfort and confidence. relationships
States federal - Lauren M., 22, Phoenix, Arizona receive support to
government thrive.
has extended
to married same-sex couples
all of the same services, rights,
and responsibilities as married I feel so alone, are there
opposite-sex couples. people I can talk to?
Many same-sex couples are also THE SHORT ANSWER: You

raising children together. Some aren’t alone. There are people
couples and individuals have used out there who are ready to help.
assisted reproduction in order to
conceive a child. Other LGBTQ First and foremost, if you have
people are raising children from any thoughts of self-harm,
previous opposite-sex relationships turn immediately to the front
on their own or with their new inside cover of this book for a
partners. As people become more list of helpline numbers that
educated and society’s attitudes you can call.

The best thing you can do is find listing of youth resources in your
someone to talk to whom you can community.
trust. Maybe it is an individual you
already know—a friend, parent, Start by visiting pflag.org/find
sibling, or a friend’s parent or older to find the chapter nearest you.
sibling. Maybe it’s an adult to whom You can also contact the PFLAG
you have confided in the past and National office by phone (202-467-
whom you know you can trust again. 8180) or email (info@pflag.org) for
further assistance.
If you don’t know anyone with
whom you’re comfortable talking Whatever you choose, talking
and who will be supportive and does help. Talking to others and
understanding, start by calling being open and honest can be an
one of the helpline numbers affirming way for you to connect
or online help sections of the with your own feelings, connect
organizations listed in the back of with others in your life, and
this publication. You don’t have to connect with those in vibrant and
give your name, and they won’t try diverse LGBT communities. And
to talk you into or out of anything. best of all, you’ll learn that you’re
really not alone.
If you don’t feel ready to talk with
someone on the phone, you can
learn more by reading resources
and information from other youth STAYING SAFE
on some of the websites listed
at the end of this publication. What if I’m harassed at
Many organizations provide email school?
addresses to which you can send
questions confidentially. Others THE SHORT ANSWER:
have live chat support. Please You don’t have to deal with
remember to use good judgment harassment at school; there
when making any contacts, whether are many resources available
on the phone, online, or in person. to help you.
Your safety and well-being should
School can be a hard place for
always be your top priority.
LGBTQ youth, who might hear
One of the best places to find jokes and insults on a regular basis
support is at a PFLAG chapter not only from other students, but
meeting. PFLAG has more than 350 sometimes from teachers or school
chapters located in all 50 states, and employees as well. Some people
can provide you—in confidence— who are LGBTQ are physically
educational materials as well as a assaulted at school or by classmates
off school property. For transgender that require schools to respond to
youth, most schools do not have reports of bullying and harassment.
dress codes, bathrooms, locker In other places, courts are holding
rooms, gym classes, or athletic schools responsible for failing to
teams that meet their needs. provide remedies to anti-LGBT
bullying and harassment. You do
Regardless of your sexual not need to endure this treatment
orientation or gender identity or from anyone.
expression, you have the right to
a safe learning environment, and If you are not getting support at
there are lots school and are
of resources looking for help,
available to When I was in 8th grade, you can contact
help you and I was outed, endured PFLAG or one
bullying, and became
your parent(s) of the other
depressed. My mom
or guardian(s) really struggled with my organizations
create such an sexuality for years. Finally, listed in the back
environment. through a lot of struggle, of this publication.
One of PFLAG’s I accepted it and so did Visit pflag.org/
top priorities is she. Five years later, I am a safeschools
to help students, strong and proud member and pflag.org/
parents, of the LGBT community claimyourrights
guardians, and my mom started for more
and educators working for the PFLAG in information
create safe our state. and safe school
- Magdalen S., 17, Fenton,
and affirming Michigan resources.
schools. To learn
more about safe-
schools programs available through
a chapter near you, please visit What if I’m harassed
pflag.org/safeschools. outside of school?
If you are being harassed by your THE SHORT ANSWER:

peers or finding barriers to being Harassment outside of school
yourself at school, try talking to a should be reported to the local
supportive teacher or staff member police or to an adult you trust.
or to someone else in your life who
can listen and give you support. If you are harassed, assaulted, or
a victim in any way because of
Ask to see your school’s harassment, your sexual orientation or gender
bullying, and discrimination identity or expression, contact your
policies. Many states have laws local police or tell a trusted adult

as soon as possible. You may have video game systems, or other
been the victim of a hate crime. technology to send or post text
or images intended to harm or
Hate crimes occur when someone embarrass another person. If
targets another person based on a you are at any time harassed,
characteristic they have or a group threatened, taunted, or teased via
they belong to, like being LGBTQ technology—no matter where you
or being a member of a certain are—it is important to contact a
race. In America, any violent assault trusted adult or authority as soon
against an LGBTQ person because as possible.
of their sexuality or gender identity
can be considered a federal crime. Remember: You are not alone, and
This is part of the Matthew Shepard there are people ready to help. Visit
and James Byrd, Jr., Hate Crimes pflag.org/cyberbullying for more
Prevention Act, which was passed information. Additionally, the
into law in 2009. resources section of this publication
will help you find organizations
Many states have their own hate that can provide assistance.
crime laws which protect their
citizens. Even if your state doesn’t While harassment and cyber
protect against crimes committed bullying do not always elevate to
due to sexual orientation and the level of a hate crime, they are
gender identity/expression bias, you just as potentially detrimental and
can still file a police report and seek dangerous.
justice.
If what happened to you wasn’t

exactly a crime, but it made you Do I need to worry about
feel threatened, you can still file HIV and AIDS?
an incident report at your local
police station. It’s very important THE SHORT ANSWER:
to tell the police what happened— Everybody needs to be
imagine if the people who tried to informed about HIV and
hurt you try to hurt you again, or AIDS.
try to hurt another person in town.
The police have a sworn duty to HIV (human immunodeficiency
protect you, your friends, and your virus) is the virus that causes AIDS
family, no matter who you are. (acquired immunodeficiency
syndrome). Unlike some viruses,
According to the National Crime HIV cannot be eliminated by the
Prevention Council, cyber bullying human body: as of now, once
is using the Internet, cell phones, you have HIV, you have it for life.
Doctors, researchers, activists, despite overwhelming statistics
and others around the world are documenting the spread of HIV/
working hard to find one, but AIDS in other communities, many
there is still no cure for HIV/AIDS. people still choose to view HIV/
Improved treatments, however, AIDS as only a gay issue. Visit www.
are increasingly alleviating the cdc.gov/hiv/basics/transmission.
symptoms and prolonging life. html for a comprehensive list of
how HIV/AIDS is spread.
Since the onset of the HIV/AIDS
epidemic, many people have The fact is that being LGBT does
viewed HIV/AIDS as strictly a gay not infect a person with HIV or
issue. The LGBTQ community— AIDS. Certain sexual behaviors, IV
including PFLAG’s founders and drug use, and other factors can put
first leaders—mobilized early one at risk for becoming infected
in the epidemic to organize a with HIV as well as other sexually
response. This response included transmitted infections (STIs).
educating communities, increasing
LGBT visibility to reduce stigma, For the most up-to-date
developing prevention strategies, information on HIV/AIDS,
and advocating for appropriate including high-risk behaviors,
care and treatment options for testing, treatment, and more, visits
people living with HIV/AIDS. Yet the Centers for Disease Control and
the epidemic has continued to Prevention’s HIV/AIDS website at
progress and take its toll on many www.cdc.gov/hiv/.
diverse communities globally. Still,

RESOURCES
PFLAG National has several projects Deaf Queer Resource Center

that support and inform, including www.deafqueer.org/411/about/
Straight for Equality and A Note index.html
To My Kid. Please visit pflag.org planet.deafqueer.com/welcome/
for more information on these and
other resources. EveryoneIsGay.com
www.everyoneisgay.com
Other Support and Family Acceptance Project

Advocacy Organizations fap@sfsu.edu
familyproject.sfsu.edu
There are numerous other
organizations that work on behalf Family Equality Council (FEC)
of people who are LGBTQ. The www.familyequality.org
following list includes just a few of the (617) 502-8700
groups that may be able to provide
Gay Asian Pacific Support Network
you with information or services:
www.gapsn.org
Advocates For Youth (213) 368-6488
www.advocatesforyouth.org
Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education
(202) 419-3420
Network (GLSEN)
Ali Forney Center www.glsen.org
www.aliforneycenter.org (212) 727-0135
(212) 222-3427
Gay-Straight Alliance Network
Bisexual Resource Center (GSA Network)
www.biresource.net www.gsanetwork.org
(617) 424-9595 (415) 552-4229
Children of Lesbians and Gays Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against

Everywhere (COLAGE) Defamation (GLAAD)
www.colage.org www.glaad.org
(415) 861-5437 (323) 933-2240
Hetrick-Martin Institute National Queer Asian Pacific
(Home of Harvey Milk Islander Alliance
High School) www.nqapia.org
www.hmi.org (202) 422-4909
(212) 674-2400
Sexuality Information and
Human Rights Campaign (HRC) Education Council of the United
www.hrc.org States (SEICUS)
(202) 628-4160 www.SIECUS.org
(212) 819-9770
It Gets Better
www.itgetsbetter.org The Transgender Law Center
www.transgenderlawcenter.org
Lambda Legal Defense and (415) 865-0176
Education Fund
www.lambdalegal.org The Trevor Project
(212) 809-8585 www.thetrevorproject.org
www.thetrevorproject.org/chat
Lavender Youth Recreation and (866) 488-7386
Information Center (LYRIC)
www.lyric.org Unid@s
(415) 703-6150 www.unidoslgbt.com
National Black Justice Coalition Youth Resource

www.nbjc.org www.youthresource.com
(202) 319-1552 (202) 419-3420
National Center for Lesbian Rights

(NCLR)
www.nclrights.org Publications, Periodicals,
(415) 392-6257 and Films:
There are literally thousands of
National Center for Transgender
books, magazines, newspapers,
Equality (NCTE)
newsletters, and films available that
www.transequality.org
provide additional support and
(202) 903-0112
resources to parents and families of
National Gay and Lesbian people who are LGBTQ as well as
Task Force LGBTQ individuals themselves.
www.thetaskforce.org
(202) 393-5177

One great place to start is the CDC • American College of
website for LGBTQ resources for Pediatricians
youth and families, www.cdc.gov/
lgbthealth/youth-resources.htm. Also, • American Family Association
use your favorite search engine to • Christian Communication
research “lgbt youth resources.” Network
• Christian Families with Faith
for Lesbians and Gays (CFLAG)
Anti-LGBT Organizations to
Avoid: • Concerned Women for America
There are a number of groups that • Courage/Encourage

have formed to oppose basic civil
• Eagle Forum
rights and equality for people who
are LGBT. Many are difficult to • Exodus International (as
immediately identify since they of 2013, shut down and
frequently claim that they are renamed “Speak Love.” No
committed to “traditional values,” information as of yet whether
when in reality they advocate for this organization holds the
harmful “reparative therapy” and same views as the previous
anti-LGBT legislation. incarnation)
Knowing who they are and the • Family Research Council

harm that they pose to you is • Family Research Institute
critical. Below are the names of just
a few of these groups. You can learn • Focus on the Family
more about such groups online.
People for the American Way (www. • Jews Offering New Alternatives
pfaw.org) has a resource center to Homosexuality (JONAH)
that lists some of these groups, • Liberty Counsel
descriptions of their work, and
archives of what they’ve advocated • National Association for
in their own words. Research and Therapy for
Homosexuality (NARTH)
• Parents & Friends of Ex-Gays
Some of the organizations covered and Gays (PFOX)
include:
• Positive Alternatives to
Homosexuality (PATH)
• American Center for Law and
Justice • Traditional Values Coalition
SUPPORT PFLAG
The Benefits of PFLAG National ● Invitations to local, regional, and

membership: national events and conferences
● The PFLAG Voice, our monthly ● Voting privileges for national
enewsletter; board members and regional
● A subscription to our annual directors
newsletter, the PFLAGpole ● Satisfaction that you are part
● Action Alerts via email; of the nation’s largest network
● Discounts on PFLAG of parents, families, friends,
publications; and allies advocating for LGBT
equality
To join as an at-large member, visit www.pflag.org or fill in the application

below and mail the application to: PFLAG National, 1828 L Street, NW,
Suite 660, Washington, DC 20036
Member Information:
Name: ______________________________________________________
Address: _____________________________________________________
City: _____________________ State: _____ Zip Code: ________________
Phone: ______________________ Email: ___________________________
Payment Information:
n Check enclosed made payable to PFLAG.
n Visa n Mastercard n Discover n American Express
n Please charge my card (minimum annual membership: $50):
n $50 n $100 n $250 n $500 n $1,000 n Other amount: $____________
Card Number: ____________________________________ Exp.: _____ / _____

Important: For your membership payment to be processed, the member name and address must match
what appears on your credit card billing statement. If you wish to purchase a membership as a gift for
someone else, please call the PFLAG National office at (202) 467-8180, ext. 220.

OTHER PFLAG
PUBLICATIONS
Our Daughters and Sons: Questions Faith in Our Families: Parents,

and Answers for Parents of Gay, Families, and Friends TalkaAbout
Lesbian, and Bisexual People Religion and Homosexuality
One of our most popular Discovering that a loved one is
publications, this is a “must read” LGBT can pose new questions
for parents who are forming new about your faith and may prompt
and honest relationships with a you to reevaluate beliefs that you
loved one who has come out to previously took for granted. By
them. This publication answers using personal experiences, this
several commonly asked questions publication provides examples
about having a gay child and for reconciling your faith with the
includes a list of related resources. knowledge that a loved one is gay.
The booklet includes an updated
Welcoming Our Trans Family list of gay and lesbian religious and
and Friends spiritual groups to watch out for.
This publication is a resource for
parents and friends of transgender Nuestras hijas y nuestros hijos:
and gender-nonconforming adults preguntas y respuestas para padres
and youth. This guide will help de gays, lesbianas, y bisexuales
answer some of your questions A culturally appropriate Spanish
and concerns. This publication translation of Our Daughters and
provides information, resources, Sons, this publication is a valuable
and strategies on creating a safe resource for Spanish-speaking
space for transgender and gender- families coming to terms with
nonconforming family and friends, LGBT loved ones who are coming
as well as addressing your own out. It answers commonly asked
feelings. questions about having a gay or
lesbian loved one and includes
Spanish language resources.
guide to being a straight ally and allied health professionals can
(2012 Edition) change or save lives.
This guide will help you understand
be not afraid, help is on the way!
how straight allies fit in the effort
straight for equality in faith
to achieve equality for all. Learn
communities
more about what it means to be a
straight ally and get some great tips No matter where your faith
and tools to being more supportive community falls on LGBT people
of your LGBT friends, family, and and/or issues, Straight for Equality
colleagues. is here to help. Learn how to
address your own discomfort
read this before you put your when it comes to LGBT issues
metatarsals between your mandible in the context of your religious
and maxilla: straight for equality in beliefs, how you can become an
healthcare ally, and how you can take small
but important steps to express your
This guide helps health-care support for the LGBT community.
professionals understand how
they too can help move equality All publications are available as
forward. By being more inclusive in a free download at pflag.org/
their language and learning more publications and also for purchase.
about the unique challenges that Visit our website or call (202) 467-
LGBT people face, doctors, nurses, 8180 for more information.

PFLAG National
1828 L Street, NW, Suite 660
Washington, DC 20036
(202) 467-8180
pflag.org

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QU ESTIONS AN D ANSWE RS F OR

LESB IAN, GAY, B ISEXUAL,

If you need immediate assistance, please

Contact The Trevor Project online at

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (800) 273-8255

Ali Forney Day Center: (212) 206-0574

CDC-Info: (800) 342-AIDS (2437)

The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline:

The GLBT National Youth Talkline

The National Runaway Switchboard: 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929)

For non crisis–related assistance, to order copies of this publication—or to

(Or write to us, snail-mail style!)

PFLAG National /pflag

(202) 467-8180 /pflagnational

About this publication:

Editorial Team: Rachel Lichtman, Liz Owen, Ryan Sasse

Content/Editorial Review: Robert Bernstein, John R. Cepek

Bisexual: An individual who is Gay: The adjective used to describe

Cisgender: A term used to describe Gender expression: The manner

Sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression are

WWW.PFL AG.ORG BE YOURSELF 4

WWW.PFL AG.ORG BE YOURSELF 6

DANGER/SELF-HARM ● I have a crush on someone

● I can’t come out to my

● Is being lesbian, gay, or ● Will people accept me after

● Is being transgender a ● Will I lose my non-LGBTQ

THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY

● Sometimes I don’t see ● What if I’m harassed

WWW.PFL AG.ORG BE YOURSELF 8

WWW.PFL AG.ORG BE YOURSELF 10

People who are LGB, like people SHORT ANSWER: Not

WWW.PFL AG.ORG BE YOURSELF 12

WWW.PFL AG.ORG BE YOURSELF 14

THE SHORT ANSWER: No. In

Like our sexual orientation, our There are hundreds of different

I think I might be Many other people don’t begin to

WWW.PFL AG.ORG BE YOURSELF 16

WWW.PFL AG.ORG BE YOURSELF 18

WWW.PFL AG.ORG BE YOURSELF 20

WWW.PFL AG.ORG BE YOURSELF 22

WWW.PFL AG.ORG BE YOURSELF 24

WWW.PFL AG.ORG BE YOURSELF 28

Many same-sex couples are also THE SHORT ANSWER: You

WWW.PFL AG.ORG BE YOURSELF 30

If you are being harassed by your THE SHORT ANSWER:

WWW.PFL AG.ORG BE YOURSELF 32

If what happened to you wasn’t

WWW.PFL AG.ORG BE YOURSELF 34

PFLAG National has several projects Deaf Queer Resource Center

Other Support and Family Acceptance Project

Children of Lesbians and Gays Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against

National Black Justice Coalition Youth Resource

National Center for Lesbian Rights

WWW.PFL AG.ORG BE YOURSELF 36

There are a number of groups that • Courage/Encourage

Knowing who they are and the • Family Research Council

The Benefits of PFLAG National ● Invitations to local, regional, and

To join as an at-large member, visit www.pflag.org or fill in the application

Card Number: ____________________________________ Exp.: _____ / _____

WWW.PFL AG.ORG BE YOURSELF 38

Our Daughters and Sons: Questions Faith in Our Families: Parents,

WWW.PFL AG.ORG BE YOURSELF 40

You might also like

Card Number: __________________________________ Exp.: _ / ___