Susie and Sam just called off the wedding.

Everyone is wondering what could have possibly gone wrong.

There are conjectures and whispers galore behind Susie's and Sam's backs. Undoubtedly, they are both
embarrassed about cutting out days before they were to exchange vows. Their families give them those
pained, consoling looks and pats on the hand. The mother of the bride is rattled to the core. She has no
idea what to do and keeps asking Susie if it isn't just a case of the normal premarital jitters.

If you are a Susie or a Sam, are close to becoming one, or have a friend in their predicament, you can
benefit from a guiding light.

Nearly 100,000 wedding plans land in the dumpster each year. And why not get cold feet? Marriage is
serious, challenging business. Anthropologist Margaret Mead claimed that modern marriages based on
love and attaining happiness are the most difficult form of relationships humans have tried yet. There
are bound to be some mistakes in the selection of a mate. Better to break up the wedding now than
employ a divorce lawyer later!

Prenup Disasters

Prenuptial agreements are hardly a new concept. The ketuba, a Hebrew wedding agreement that stated
terms of marital responsibility in the event of a death or divorce, dates back to the first century. Instead
of spelling out protective provisions for the bride, the complicated prenup in vogue these days has the
potential to create doubt, disillusionment, disappointment, and disruption in wedding plans.

Until recently, prenup contracts were primarily an instrument used by older couples or those entering
into a second marriage. Younger brides and grooms had usually not acquired enough wealth to make a
formal agreement worthwhile. However, where family fortunes and businesses are involved, age does
not seem to be a factor.

Prenups appear to cause disaster when:

They are unexpectedly sprung on a partner.

They try to control a partner through legal arrangements.

They are lop-sided in favor of either the bride or groom.

They are long, complicated, and cold-hearted.

They destroy trust and the integrity of the union.

I learnt a real-life story of a couple in their early 30s and witnessed first-hand the mutual excitement
over their upcoming marriage. A new house was in the works, loving words were exchanged, and
elaborate wedding plans were in place. The scene was idyllic until Fred handed Karen a stack of papers.

Karen was expecting the prenup and said she had no problem signing one because of Fred's interest in
the lucrative family business. But what Fred handed over to her was more than she bargained for. After
reading the contract that stipulated, she could not make any claim on the family business, would have to
move out of her home, and relinquish residential custody of any children in the event of a divorce, she
was horrified and insulted. The agreement didn't sound anything like Fred but a lot like his family and
their legal counsel.
Fred said he would have another draft drawn up. The second version was hardly an improvement. Karen
realized Fred's family, not Fred, was calling the shots. She issued an ultimatum: If he couldn't stand up
for her and treat her with the respect and consideration she deserved, even if that meant giving up the
family fortune, the wedding was off.

Mom and Pop's money proved too much of a temptation. Fred and Karen never made the walk down
the aisle. She hasn't spoken to him since.

Engagement Blues

The period of engagement can serve a worthwhile purpose, although its importance may be usurped by
those couples who have been living together (like any close relative). Engagements allow for time to
plan the wedding, save to pay for it, develop a marital mindset, and to make adjustments to each other's
family. Lengthy engagements may also forestall the wedding date indefinitely. Nonetheless, the average
duration of engagements has lengthened since 1995 from 11 months to 13 months.

During those 13 months, premarital bliss may fizzle because of:

Issues that were previously swept under the rug that must now be addressed

Discrepancies in the desire for children

Differences in religion that come to the forefront because of the wedding ceremony or the discussion of
childrearing

A problematic division of financial and household responsibilities

Impasses with the in-laws

Problems with previous spouses and children

If any of these premarital blues cause the bliss to fizzle, take time out to settle each and every one of
these problems that could cause critical problems within the marriage relationship later. And if any of
these critical problems seems irreconcilable, now is the time to make a preemptive strike. Break up and
call it quits! Just because you are engaged doesn't mean you have to take that final walk down the aisle.
You can turn back anytime and feel confident you are making the right decision as long as you have used
all of the forethought due a serious relationship.

Take a look at Tina and Todd:

Todd and Tina were mature adults with very different backgrounds and outlooks who, nonetheless, fell
in love. Tina was sociable; Todd was a loner. Tina was serious but fun-loving; Todd was somber. Tina
practiced Judaism; Todd was anti organized religion. Nonetheless, the five years they had spent together
as serious and committed partners were satisfying. Neither had any compunction against maintaining
independent social lives and lifestyles. When they decided to wed, began combining resources, making
future plans, and trying to act like a Mr. and Mrs., inevitable disagreements erupted. The final gauntlet
was thrown over pork to be or not to be served at the wedding dinner. Todd and Tina stopped short of
the aisle when neither would compromise their position.
Tina made the right decision. She knew the distance between she and Todd was too great to provide
everlasting happiness and love. Her positive mindset and enthusiasm for life directed her right into the
path of Timothy, who she married a few months later after a brief dating relationship. This time Tina
could walk down the aisle without any reservations.