The difference between living a life of peace and productivity versus a life of stress and

resentment could lie in one simple skill: Learning how to say no.

Saying no makes the difference between a packed schedule and an open one. It makes the
difference between having too many tasks and having just the right amount. It makes the
difference between working crazy hours and hitting deadlines without stress.

But saying no can be tough. You might feel uncomfortable saying no because you worry about
upsetting people, looking like you can’t handle your workload, or missing out on opportunities
both now and in the future.

But the truth is that when you never say no, you will actually increase the likelihood of the
outcomes you fear. And when you do say no — when necessary — you reduce the likelihood of
dropping balls and save your sanity.

So how exactly do you say no? As a time management coach, I regularly work with coaching
clients on learning to set boundaries and decline requests where needed. Here are a few of my
best strategies for saying no in three critical areas: time commitments, tasks, and time frames.

Time Commitments

To dramatically open up hours in your schedule, you’ll need to start saying no to time
commitments that aren’t the best use of your day. This means diverting yourself from the path of
least resistance (accepting all requests that come your way), and instead asking yourself, “Is this
the right investment of my time?”

For example, let’s say you’re asked to volunteer on a committee. It’s a good initiative but not
aligned with your personal passions or your professional development goals. It would mean at
minimum three to five hours out of your work time each month, which add up to 36-60 hours
over the course of a year. To decline gracefully say:

“Thank you so much for asking me to be part of this committee. I’m really honored, but I’ll need
to respectfully decline because I’m at capacity right now. Thank you for your understanding.”

Or you’re asked to attend a meeting where your presence is not necessary. In fact, other people
on your team may be a better fit. You might decline the meeting invite and say:

“I saw the meeting invite. I appreciate the notice that it’s happening. Jerry will be representing
our team. I know he’ll do a great job and will report back on anything we need to know.”

Or perhaps you’re invited to go to lunch with individuals who you already see often and you
have a project to work on, want to go to the gym, or simply want a break. You could say:

“Thanks so much for the invite, but I already have some other commitments.”
Saying no to time commitments that don’t align with your priorities or needs can lead to a small
amount of initial discomfort but save you hours of time in the end.

Tasks

Most people have far more tasks on their to-do lists than they could possibly get done in a given
day. This is especially true for individuals who try to help everyone before getting their own
work done. To break out of this cycle, it’s time to start saying no.

For instance, when someone asks you to do something that isn’t your job, you have every right to
say no. But if you’ve said yes too much in the past, you may need to do some retraining to break
people of the habit of asking you for every little thing. They’ll learn in time, especially if your
response sounds something like one of these:

“That’s not my area of expertise. I’m happy to give you Cheryl’s contact info, and I’m sure she
would be happy to help you with that question.”

“I think Tim, our intern, can order lunch for tomorrow’s meeting. I’ll forward the request on to
him.”

“Typically the meeting organizer pulls the report for the presentation.”

When you’re asked to take on a project that is optional and you already have far more to do than
you can get done right now, it’s also time to gracefully decline. You could say:

“This sounds like a really interesting initiative. Unfortunately, I’m already maxed out on what I
can take on right now. I wouldn’t be able to get to this for a couple of weeks/months. Since this
is important to you, it’s probably best to give this to someone who can give it more time and
attention.”

Finally, when you’re in a meeting and people are talking about different tasks that need to get
completed but you don’t have time to take on more, proceed with caution: Say nothing. Sit on
your hands. Don’t volunteer. I literally have coaching clients who have me ask them every time
we talk: “How many times did you volunteer for things?” Not offering to help is one of the best
ways to say no.

Time Frames

Sometimes the tasks that need to get done fall within your responsibility, but it’s the timing of
requests that causes issues. In these instances, when and where you can, it’s helpful to say no to
unreasonable schedules.

I know that workplace expectations can vary, so depending on your job, you may not be able to
use these strategies. But for those of you who have some latitude, consider these ways to push
back on proposed deadlines.
If you get asked to do something small by today when in fact the deadline is somewhat arbitrary,
counter with an alternate deadline. Even a day or two of margin can shift something from a
frustration that keeps you at the office late to not a big deal:

“I would love to help you, but my time is already fully booked with commitments to [my boss,
clients, etc.] today. I’ll get this back to you by Friday.”

This may annoy some people. But hopefully in time, it will teach them to give you more notice.
Some departments put in policies around how much lead time they need to turn around
documents — for example two or three days.

If you are often pinged in the evenings and the weekends, and you have the ability to set
boundaries, do. Never having downtime can significantly contribute to burnout. One way to
avoid unexpected after-hours work is to stay away from your work phone and email. But if you
must say something, send a reply like this:

“Hi, Joe! I just wanted to let you know that I saw I got an email from you. I’ll review your
request first thing when I get back in the office.”

Finally, if you receive a large project that you do need to do but the initial deadline isn’t
reasonable given your other commitments, you can negotiate in a few ways. If the situation
involves your boss, you can explain your different priorities and ask for direction on what to
focus on first. If the situation involves someone other than your boss but you have the ability to
set limits, you can come back to them with a counter proposal. If the situation involves someone
other than your boss where you don’t have the authority to push back on deadlines, you may
need to involve your boss in those conversations. In the end, the phrasing will likely sound
something like this:

“I hear that you would like this by the end of the month. But with the other projects we have
going on, it won’t be possible to meet that deadline. I would like to propose a deadline of mid-
next month. Does that sound reasonable?”

These conversations may also lead to discussions around pulling in other resources, such as
contractors, or rebalancing the work.

Saying no isn’t easy. But it’s worth it. As you consider using these suggested tips and phrases in
your own work, make sure you communicate quickly. People can typically take a no more easily
when you don’t delay.

And communicate with confidence. You don’t need to be overly apologetic. Say what you need
to say and then move on. Remember, by saying no you’re saying yes to what matters most with
your time.

https://hbr.org/2019/03/9-ways-to-say-no-to-busywork-and-unrealistic-deadlines
It’s hard not to get worked up emotionally when you’re in a tense conversation. After all, a
disagreement can feel like a threat. You’re afraid you’re going to have to give up something —
your point of view, the way you’re used to doing something, the notion that you’re right, or
maybe even power – and your body therefore ramps up for a fight by triggering the sympathetic
nervous system. This is a natural response, but the problem is that our bodies and minds aren’t
particularly good at discerning between the threats presented by not getting your way on the
project plan and, say, being chased down by a bear. Your heart rate and breathing rate spike,
your muscles tighten, the blood in your body moves away from your organs, and you’re likely to
feel uncomfortable.

None of this puts you in the right frame of mind to resolve a conflict. If your body goes into
“fight or flight” mode or what Dan Goleman called “amygdala hijack,” you may lose access to
the prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for rational thinking. And making
rational decisions is precisely what you need to do in a difficult conversation. Not only are you
losing the ability to think clearly but chances are your counterpart notices the signs of stress —
your face turning red, the pace of your speech speeding up — and, because of mirror
neurons that cause us to “catch” the emotions of another person, your colleague is likely to start
feeling the same way. Before you know it, the conversation has derailed and the conflict
intensifies.

Luckily, it’s possible to interrupt this physical response, manage your emotions, and clear the
way for a productive discussion. There are several things you can do to keep your cool during a
conversation or to calm yourself down if you’ve gotten worked up.

Breathe. Simple mindfulness techniques can be your best friend in tense situations and none is
more straightforward and accessible than using your breath. So when you start noticing yourself
getting tense, try to focus on breathing. Notice the sensation of air coming in and out of your
lungs. Feel it pass through your nostrils or down the back of your throat. This will take your
attention off the physical signs of panic and keep you centered. Some mindfulness experts
suggest counting your breath — either inhaling and exhaling for a count of 6, for example, or
just counting each exhale until you get to 10 and then starting again.

Focus on your body. Sitting still when you’re having a difficult conversation can make the
emotions build up rather than dissipate. Experts say that standing up and walking around helps to
activate the thinking part of your brain. If you and your counterpart are seated at a table, you may
be hesitant to suddenly stand up. Fair enough. Instead, you might say, “I feel like I need to
stretch some. Mind if I walk around a bit?” If that still doesn’t feel comfortable, you can do small
physical things like crossing two fingers or placing your feet firmly on the ground and noticing
what the floor feels like on the bottom of your shoes. Mindfulness experts call this
“anchoring.” It can work in all kinds of stressful situations. For example, for a long time I was
afraid of flying, but I found that counting while touching each of my fingers with my thumb
helped to get me out of my rumination mode.

Try saying a mantra. This is a piece of advice I’ve gotten from Amy Jen Su, managing partner
of Paravis Partners and coauthor of Own the Room. She recommends coming up with a phrase
that you can repeat to yourself to remind you to stay calm. Some of her clients have found “Go to
neutral” to be a helpful prompt. You can also try “This isn’t about me,” “This will pass,” or
“This is about the business.”

Acknowledge and label your feelings. Another useful tactic comes from Susan David, author
of Emotional Agility. When you’re feeling emotional, “the attention you give your thoughts and
feelings crowds your mind; there’s no room to examine them,” she says. To distance yourself
from the feeling, label it. “Call a thought a thought and an emotion an emotion,” says David. He
is so wrong about that and it’s making me mad becomes I’m having the thought that my
coworker is wrong, and I’m feeling anger. Labeling like this allows you to see your thoughts and
feelings for what they are: “transient sources of data that may or may not prove helpful.” When
you put that space between these emotions and you, it’s easier to let them go — and not bury
them or let them explode.

Take a break. In my experience, this is a far-underused approach. The more time you give
yourself to process your emotions, the less intense they are likely to be. So when things get
heated, you may need to excuse yourself for a moment — get a cup of coffee or a glass of water,
go to the bathroom, or take a brief stroll around the office. Be sure to give a neutral reason for
why you want to stand up and pause the conversation — the last thing you want is for your
counterpart to think that things are going so badly you’re desperate to escape. Try saying
something like, “I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I’d love to get a quick cup of coffee before we
continue. Can I get you something while I’m up?”

Keep in mind that you’re probably not the only one who’s upset. Your counterpart is likely to
express anger or frustration too. While you may want to give them the above advice, no one
wants to be told they need to breathe more deeply or take a break. So you may be in a situation
where you just need to let the other person vent. That’s usually easier said than done though. It’s
hard not to yell back when you’re being attacked, but that’s not going to help. Jeanne Brett, a
professor of dispute resolution and negotiations at Kellogg School of Management, suggests
visualizing your coworker’s words going over your shoulder, not hitting you in the chest. But
don’t act aloof; it’s important to show that you’re listening. If you don’t feed your counterpart’s
negative emotion with your own, it’s likely they will wind down.

Let’s face it. Conflicts with coworkers can be tough. But you’re not going to solve the
underlying issues or maintain a positive relationship if you barrel through the conversation when
you’re completely worked up. Hopefully, these five tactics will help you move from angry and
upset to cool as a cucumber.
How to Speak Up in a Meeting, and When to Hold Back

Allison Shapira

I recently spent a month interviewing the group heads of a large financial services company in
order to understand how their direct reports need to communicate as they move into leadership
positions. Again and again, I heard the same comment: “If you are in the room for a meeting, we
expect you to speak up. Don’t wait for someone to ask you.”

In many organizations, our leadership readiness is measured in part by our willingness to speak
up in meetings. How we speak off the cuff can have a bigger impact on our career trajectory than
our presentations or speeches, because every single day we have an opportunity to make an
impact.

While much of my work focuses on women in leadership, everyone can use meetings as an
opportunity to move up in their careers — and bring others with them.

Here are three strategies for speaking up effectively, followed by three warnings for when you
should hold back.

Strategies for Speaking Up Effectively

 Prepare a few bullets in advance. One senior executive I worked with was deathly afraid
of public speaking early in her career. In order to overcome that fear, she challenged herself to
speak up at every single meeting and prepared comments or questions in advance. That executive
is now a role model within her organization and is considered one of the most confident
and authentic speakers in her industry. Don’t wait for inspiration to hit in the meeting; prepare in
advance.
 Ask, “why you?” This is a question I recommend people ask before they craft a presentation,
walk into a meeting, or even prepare for a networking event. It means, why do you care about
what you do, about your organization, or about your role? Answering this question helps
you connect with a sense of purpose and builds your confidence. It reminds you that you’re
speaking up not to show off but because you truly care about the subject. It reminds you that your
credibility doesn’t come solely from your title or years of experience but can also comes from
your commitment and passion.
 Pause and breathe to build your confidence. Speaking up in a meeting takes courage. You have
the ability to affect the trajectory of the conversation, potentially guiding your client towards
saying yes to a deal when your colleagues have taken the meeting off track. Pausing and
breathing helps center you and strengthens your voice so that when you do speak up, you speak
with the full weight of your conviction. While you pause, ask yourself, “If one other person in
this room has the same question, am I willing to ask on behalf of that person?” The answer should
build your confidence. A client recently shared that she had used this technique to ask a question
— in public — at a large conference, and her question changed the direction of the entire panel
discussion, shedding light on a critical issue that the panel had been avoiding.

With that being said, sometimes it’s the person who says the least in a meeting who has the most
power. Your executive presence comes from being strategic about when you speak up in addition
to what you say. Here are three warnings for when you should hold back.
Warnings for When to Hold Back
 If you’re only trying to show off. We’ve all had the experience of sitting in a meeting or on a
conference call that runs late, where everyone is trying to wrap up, and someone is rambling
about a topic the group had already moved on from 30 minutes ago. Right before you speak up,
ask yourself why you are speaking. If you are speaking up just to show how much you know, it’s
better to let someone else talk or let the meeting run its natural course.
 If you are trying to empower others on your team. I had a pivotal moment in graduate school
where I received feedback that I spoke up too much in class. Why was that a problem? A
classmate said, “You become a crutch for others. We can’t wrestle with the question being asked
because you jump in with the answer. Sometimes leadership is about letting others find their own
solution.” Ten years later, that comment has stayed with me and has deeply influenced my
leadership style. In the meeting, let members of your team speak up in order to build their own
relationships of trust with your clients. Giving others an opportunity to speak in a meeting is one
of the most powerful ways we can build their leadership skills, raise their visibility — both
internally and externally — and give the client a more comprehensive sense of support from your
whole team.
 If your comment would be better left for a one-on-one conversation. Senior executives
consistently offer feedback on their direct reports in my training programs by saying, “They need
to learn when to leave something to a one-on-one conversation.” So many difficult conversations
within an organization can be mitigated by talking privately to someone — in person whenever
possible — rather than addressing the issue in a group where the person will feel defensive. This
applies to email as well as spoken conversation. Before speaking up or hitting “reply all,” ask
yourself, “Would this be better said privately?”

Speaking up in a meeting is one of the single-most effective ways to raise your visibility and
build a relationship of trust with your clients and colleagues. Practice it strategically every single
day and you will have a powerful impact on your career and in your business.

https://hbr.org/2019/04/how-to-speak-up-in-a-meeting-and-when-to-hold-back