SLOGANS THAT MAKE SENSE IN INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

1. If NOTHING changes, NOTHING will change.

2. Do MORE of what WORKS and LESS of what DOESN’T.

3. FRUSTRATION results from unfulfilled EXPECTATIONS. (What was I expecting that didn’t occur?)

4. REWARDED behavior continues.

5. Relationships cannot be FORCED but they can be FOSTERED.

6. Two keys to RESOLVING interpersonal conflict are;

a) If I am wrong I could APOLOGIZE; and if the other person is
wrong I could FORGIVE (LET GO). (RELEASE)

7. The MORE control we have from WITHIN, the

LESS we need from WITHOUT. (AND VICA VERSA)

8. The way of a FOOL is RIGHT in his own EYES. (Found in the Old Testament)
(Even a person who is “not” all there thinks he is always right)

9. Two phrases to avoid: “IF ONLY” and “WHAT IF?”

(depressive) (anxiety producing)

10. No matter what anyone may SAY or DO to me, I am

still a WORTHWHILE person.

11. CONNECT, then INFLUENCE.

Reviewing Research Terminology

 Conceptualization – The process through which the researcher specifically

denotes or indicates all of the concepts under investigation.

 Control group – That portion of the sample which is treated the same as

the experimental group but is NOT exposed to the independent variable.

 Curvilinear – Point of diminishing returns

 Experimental Design – A research method used to determine causal

relationships among variables.

 Experimental group – The portion of the sample which is exposed to the

independent variable.
  Hypothesis – A speculative statement about a variable or the relationship

between variables.

 Literature Review – A search of the existing research studies related to a

specific topic of inquiry.

 Operational definition – A description of the concepts or constructs being

studied.

 Pearson Correlation – Used to test the strength of the linear relationship

between given variables. (More he ate, the more the taste went down,

curvilinear, also called point of diminishing returns.)

 Population sample – Individuals who have been selected, either randomly or

not, to participate in the study.

 Probability (random) sample – A sample in which each person has the same

likelihood of being selected for the study.

 Research – To study thoroughly through the process of scholarly or scientific

inquiry.

 Survey – A process of gathering information through questioning the

sample.

 Validity – Occurs when the results the researcher finds reflect the true

meaning of construct being considered.

 Variable – A characteristic being measured in a study.

Talcott Parsons (1902-1979) Know his name

 Structure: the basic makeup of the family, Therapists pay attention to the

Basis of Systems Theory

o Rules

o Roles

o Patterns

 Functionalism – how well the individual; roles witing the family are

managed.
  Homeostasis – balance

 Definite male and female roles are assigned and maintained ( things have

now changed)

 Male = instrumental, breadwinner

 Female = expressive, loving, caring, sympathy

Ecological Theory – Uri Bronfenbrenner

 Societal and cultural contexts which surround the individual and the family

 Microsystem –

 Mesosystem

 Exosystem

 Macrosystem

 Chronosystem

Family Development Theory (Human Becomings)

 The family structure (individual and group) changes over time.

 The challenge is the ability of the family to adjust to these changes in a

productive manner.

 Some changes are Normative (predictable, normal, usual)

 The individual develops

 The family unit develops

 Individual roles develop, and change over time

Conflict Theory

 Conflict is expected, natural, and inevitable

 Conflict is normal and expected in families and society.

  Conflict is generally an issue of power & control.

 Common elements of power include:

o Size

o Gender inequality

o Strength

o Money

o Secrets (knowledge)

Family Systems Theory

 Collection of individual interaction elements, each connected with each

other.

 It is valuable to look at “triangles” within the family system.

 Each relationship is as separate as is each unit.

 Each element of the system is of equal value, if everything is vertical, you

will have a very competitive family.

 View families as a horizontal system, one is not bigger or better than the

other, this is what systems theory reports.

 Each element has impact on every other element.

 Once element cannot NOT have a relationship with another element.

 No element should block or hinder the relationship between any two other

elements. (keep relationships clean)

 There is no way the mom should come between the relationship of a father

and child.

 Each person needs to let individuals work out their own relationships.

 This is why blended, reconstructed families are so difficult.

 Rewarded behavior continues! You have to remove the reward!

 AGM = Attention Getting Mechanism

 Control = Fighting kids can control parents

 The marriage is the primary relationship in the family system.

  The family system functions according to its program, set of rules, and/or

patterns. (Talcot Parsons)

 The system resists change, but can be changed. (seeks to maintain

homeostasis)

 Sometimes we change the child’s behavior by changing the parents behavior.

There is no IP (Identified Patient) in family therapy.

 One element of the system can be altered by change in another element of

the system.

 Feedback maintains the system’s functioning: modifying, maintaining,

motivating (positive and negative)

 Modifying feedback = to induce change “Your introduction was weak, You’ll

need to do something to strengthen it next time”.

 Maintaining Feedback = Status quo, satisfaction “That was a good job and

you were able to touch all the pertinent points”.

 Motivating Feedback = Encourage positive change, “You did really well and I

can’t wait to read what you write next”.

 The whole is greater than the sum of its parts

o Individuals plus relationships

o Family (X2 – X) /2=N

o All are connected and each is affected by the behaviors of others.

o Seeks to maintain Homeostastis

Symbolic Interaction Theory

 “MEANINGS” attached – Verbal/non-verbal symbols

 People act towards one another on the basis of the meanings they perceive.

 Emphasis is on the verbal and non verbal symbols used to convey meaning.

 Our thoughts impact our perceived meaning and the language we use to act.

Social Exchange Theory

  Reward and punishment

 Conflict shapes behavior

 Parenting roles

The Communication Process

Dr. Beckert things that effective communication is fairly simple, not easy,

but simple. ONE CANNOT COMMUNICATE NOT COMMUNICATE!!!!

Whatever we say, do, we are communicating. Whatever we say or not say:

do or not do communicates something.

Two types of communication = Verbal and non/verbal. Silence is a very

powerful communicator and generally not very productive. “Sticks and

stones can break the bones, when thrown with angry art. Words can sting

like anything, but silence breaks the heart.” The silence that is destructive

is the Prolonged Silence.

General Thoughts about Communication

o All healthy interpersonal relationships depend on the effective

communication.

o “Effective communication occurs when the receiver receives the

message the sender intended to send.

o Almost all relationship

Concept of Differentness - Corpus Collosum, is thinner and more

permeable in the female, which makes it easier to switch from the right

and left hemispheres.  This is a theory, but probably true.  This is why

women are more multi-task oriented.

What results from unfulfilled expectations?  Frustration

Handout

Theories for Studying Families - Use the handouts to study!

Talcott Parsons
The Individual develops - Freud, Erikson, Piaget, Maslow, Skinner

Parenting Roles - change over time

Changing Role of Parents:

One of the primary mistakes made by parents,

As the child matures, the role of the parent changes.

Age of Child

Role of parent

Action taken

Parents made the mistake of staying in the advisor role when the child

turns 20, the parent should be the Consultant, not the Advisor.

A parent is always a teacher, no matter what the age of the child.

(Consultant)

Family Systems Theory

There is a handout for this on BB (Remember, Dr. Beckert is a Family

Systems Therapist)

Collection of individual interaction elements, each connected with each

other

The whole is greater than the sum of its part.

Each relationship is a separate as is each unit.

Each element of the system is of equal value, if everything is vertical, you

will have a very competitive family.  View families as a horizontal system,

one is not bigger or better than the other, this is what systems theory
reports.

Each element has impact on every other element.

One element cannot NOT have a relationship with another element.

No element should block or hinder the relationship between any two

other elements. (keep relationships clean)  There is no way the mom

should come between the relationship of a father and child.  Each person

needs to let individuals work out their own relationships. This is why

blended, reconstructed families are so difficult

Rewarded Behavior Continues!  You have to remove the reward!

AGM = Attention Getting Mechanism

Control = Fighting kids can control parents

The marriage is the primary relationship in the family system.

The family system functions according to its program, set of rules,

and/or patterns. (Talcot Parsons)

The system resists change, but can be changed. (seeks to maintain

homeostasis)

Sometimes we change the child's behavior by changing the parents

behavior.  There is no IP (identified patient) in family therapy.

One element of the system can be altered by change in another element

of the system.

Feedback maintains the system's functioning: modifying, maintaining,

motivating. (positive and negative)

Modifying feedback=to induce change "Your introduction was weak>

You'll need ot do something to strengthen it next time."

Maintaining Feedback=Status quo, satisfaction "That was a good job and

you were able to touch all the  pertinent points."

Motivating Feedback=encourage positive change "You did really well and I

can't wait to read what you write next)

Communication Process

Handout on BB

He told a Story about the chart...

Dr. Beckert thinks that effective communication is fairly simple, not

easy, but simple.

ONE CANNOT NOT COMMUNICATE!.....whatever we say, do, we are

communicating.

Whatever we say or not say: do or not do communicates something.

Two types of communication=Verbal and Non-verbal

Silence is a very powerful communicator and generally not very

productive.

"Sticks and stones can break the bones when thrown with angry art.

Words can sting like anything, but silence breaks the heart."

The silence that is destructive is = Prolonged Silence.

Critical Elements to consider for effective Communication

Content = What do I want to say?

Method =  How do I intend to say it?

Motive = Why do I want to say it?

Impact = What possible effect might this message have on the receiver?

General Thoughts About Communication

All healthy interpersonal relationships depend on the effective

communication

*Effective communication occurs when the receiver receives the message

the sender intended to send.

Almost all relationship discord and contention can be traced...

The responsibility for effective communication rests on both the sender

and the receiver.

To Blame one or the other for ineffective communication is generally an

exercise ion futility.

*I DON'T REMEMBER HEARING IT"  they do not ever accuse one another

of not saying it.

Remember that words and symbols can have different meaning to

different people. (Symbolic Theory)

Soon, always, seldom, never, sometimes, maybe, not now, etc....

*Ineffective communication can be both symptomatic and problematic.

chart.....

1. Sender - Encode

2. Send - Filter (belongs to the Receiver)

3. Receiver - Decode

Sending : speak in short "one thought" statements.

Match words, voice tone, and actions.

Verbal and non-verbal

Maintain a comfortable distance to encourage appropriate eye contact

and attention.

Focus on the behavior rather than the person.

Share observations rather than inferences (the "what" rather than the

"why")

Speak in terms of "more / less" rather than  "either / or."

Provide alternatives rather than solutions.

Work in the "here and now" rather than in the present

Be tentative rather than absolute with your suggestions.

Recognize the ale of the msg to the receiver rather than to the sender.

(motive)

Use "I" messages rather than "you" messages.

Be specific rather than general as you describe the situation.

Thoughts about the Filter

THE FILTER BELONGS TO THE RECEIVER

The filter should be considered by the sender before sending a message.

The filter may be affected by such things as: Lack of interest in the

person or topic, External distractions (Static), Internal distractions

(Static), Current emotional state, Past experiences, Pressure of time,

Negative Motives, Other filter blockers.

Sending styles which weaken relationships

Prolonged Silence

Sarcasm have not place in communication

Deception (lies, half truths, and omissions)

Criticism

Vulgarity and profanity (as experienced by the receiver)

Two-level or incongruent messages, mixed messages.

Idio-motor response....this is what happens when we say one thing and

mean another.

Angry and emotional outbursts

Overt or covert threats

Demeaning comments; i.e. name calling

Use of "red flag" words, topics, and / or topics

Suggestions for Receiving

Maintain comfortable eye contact

Decrease distance witouth being oppressive

Demonstrate attention

Extend or expand the statement made to encourage further

communication

Paraphrase,

Reflect the feelings

"When in doubt, heck it out!"

Listen to the whole person

The Chinese word for "listen contains three elements:

Ear, Eye, Heart

Maintain any and all confidences

Failure to express what one is feeling and/or thinking

Poor timing

Incomplete statements

Leaving out valuable details

INterrupting while talking

Assuming what your partner is thinking and feeling and not allowing

him or her to express it.

REacting to the "words" used

Failure to communicate )(metacommunication)

You can't prescribe medication until you know what is wrong.  This is

why there is Con-joint therapy so you can see what is going on.
 UNABLE UNWILLING

LACKS ABILITY LACKS MOTIVATION

NEEDS TRAINING NEEDS ENCOURAGEMENT

PROPER PRACTICE CONTINUED SUPPORT

REMEMBER:
DIAGNOSIS MUST PRECEDE PRESCRIPTION

How Do I Rate As a Communicator:

Make copies and give it to a family member, or significant other and

compare scores.

Re: Theories and Names connected w/ Family Studies (Very brief and general statements)

Talcott Parsons = Structural Functionalism, homeostasis, strict roles and patterns,

expressive/instrumenta

Uri Bronfenbrenner = Ecological theory, the individual and his or her environment

Ivan Pavlow = Classical conditioning, salivating dogs

B. F. Skinner = Operant conditioning, learning theory, behaviorism

Albert Bandura = social learning theory, observational learning, person, behavior, environment

Jean Piaget = Cognitive development

Lawrence Kohlberg = Moral development, Cognitive learning

Lev Vygotshy = No stages, children learn through environmental interactions

Sigmund Freud = Psychosexual focus, stages and fixations

Anna Freud = Daughter, defense mechanisms, children and families

Alfred Adler = Individual psychology, family focus

Erik Erikson = Psychosocial development, gradual phases

Abraham Maslow = Hierarchy of needs

Sandra Bem = Sex role inventory

Virginia Satire = Conjoint family therapy, no “identified patient” (IP)

Troy Beckert = Cognitive Autonomy, ability to make and analyze decisions

1. Talcott Parsons
* Stuctural Functionalism, homeostatisis, strict roles, rules and pattenrs, expressive and
instrumental roles.  Know Instrumental and Expressive
Instumental - given to the man, to keep the family going
Expressive - schema is the emotional one, which belongs to the female.
Homeostasis-if nothing changes, nothing will change
2. Uri Bronfenbrenner
• Ecological Theory - 5 Systems, Meso, Micro, etc.., the individual and his or her environment

Learning Theory
Ivan Pavlov
- Classical conditioning, between two stimuli, salivating dogs
B.F. Skinner
-Operant Conditioning, behaviorism, response/stimulus, reward and punishment
Rewarded behavior continues....which is learning theory
Another way is Negative Reinforcement, take away a negative reinforcer.
Negative Punishment - you do this, you will be punished this way
Reinforcement will INCREASE the behavior
-Positive Reinforcement -
-Negative Punishment -
-Positive Punishment - something bad can be started, behavior decreases
-Negative Reinforcement - something bad can be taken away
Albert Bandura
 -Social learning theory, observation learning, Person Behavior, Environment

Developmental Theories
Jean Piaget
-Cognitive Devleopment - stages
Erik Erickson
-(send note to professor to give us the summary sheet on these Theorists)
Lev Vygotsky
-no stages, children learn through environmental interactions

Psychoanalytic Theories
Sigmund Freud
-Psychosexual focus, stages and fixation
Anna Freud (his daughter)
-defense mechanisms, children and families
Alfred Adler (was with Freud)
-Individual psychology, family focus

Others
Sandra Bem
-does concept called Androgyny., can take a test to see if we have more feminine or masculine
traits.
-Sex role, inventory,
MMPI personality Inventory test...one of the scales is an MF scale.  The more educated a person
is, the more Androgyny's they become.
Virginia Satir
-Conjoint family therapy, no "identified patient" (IP)
Book...People Making by Virginia Satir (dea of self and value of self)
Troy Beckert
-Dr. Beckert's son
-Cognitive autonomy, ability to make and analyze decisions (writing a book on adolescence as
far as their autonomy goes.)  Encyclopedia of Adolescence is the name of the book.

CHAPTER 1:

Family Life Now

1. Is it possible, even with patience and STUDY, for a couple to enter marriage totally
PREPARED for whatever they might encounter?
2. Family transcends RACE, RELIGION, ETHNICITY and SEXUAL orientation.
3. The better prepared we are for MARRIAGE, the GREATER the possibility for success in our
homes.
4. When it comes to understanding about working with families, the terms “EDUCATION” and
“INTERVENTION” are not synonymous.
5. Research indicates that “EDUCATION” is generally more effective than “INTERVENTION”
relative to helping families succeed.
6. The primary suggestion of the poem: “Ambulance in the Valley” is that PREVENTION is
better than a CURE .
7. The definition used to describe Family Life Education has CHANGED over the past forty
years.
8. It is NOT likely that any one individual or group could arrive at a one-size-fits-all definition of
“FAMILY.”
9. There is a significant difference between a “FAMILY” and a “HOUSEHOLD.”
10. The primary difference between our family of ORIGIN and our family of PROCREATION is
the role we play within it. In the former we are the CHILD, in the latter we are the PARENT.
11. Some say it is IMPOSSIBLE for us to overcome the influences of the family in which we are
reared, but they are WRONG.
12. The family is a DYNAMIC rather than a STATIC unit of society.
13. The “NUCLEAR FAMILY” no longer represents the most modern configuration of a family
unit. (MOM, DAD, KIDS)
14. The concept of an “EXTENDED family” suggests two or more generations of close family
RELATIVES living together.
15. The majority of single-parent homes are headed by MOTHERS rather than by FATHERS.
16. Couples consider themselves “CHILD-FREE” if they choose to not bring children into the
world, if they are trying but not succeeding, they are “CHILDLESS.”
17. A “RECONSTITUTIONAL family” is another label for a “STEP FAMILY .” (BLENDED)
18. COHABITATION refers to unmarried couples who choose to live together, whether or not
they are PLANNING on a future MARRIAGE to each other.
19. It remains politically INCORRECT to refrain from calling gay and lesbian couples living
together a family while LEGALLY they are not.
20. It would be INCORRECT to state that the American Family is in a state of decline and
deterioration. Each opinion is based upon individual EXPECTATIONS.
21. In reality, there remains a “SOCIAL class” in the American culture.
22. The terms “RACE” and “ETHNICITY” are NOT synonymous when referring to families.
23. Race refers to GENETICS and ethnicity refers to CULTURE.
24. In some cultures marriage is a “__________” rather than a “____________ .”
25. There is a FEDERAL law which confirms that marriage is a legal union of one man and one
woman as husband and wife. Passed in 1996 and is called the Defense of MARRIAGE Act.
26. In America, marriage involves a LEGAL CONTRACT .
27. MONOGAMY is the more widely accepted marriage union in America.
28. A POLYGAMIST can be either a man or a woman.
29. One man with two or more wives would constitute POLYGYNY.
30. One woman with two or more husbands would constitute POLYANDRY.
31. CENOGAMY refers to GROUP marriages.
32. Understanding the DEVELOPMENTAL processes we all experience will help us keep our
EXPECTATONS realistic and in perspective, thus avoiding serious FRUSTRATION.
33. Most DEVELOPMENTAL tasks we experience as part of a family are relatively PREDICATABLE
points in our lives.
34. There is a FAMILY life cycle as well as a HUMAN life cycle.
35. The family life cycle:
 a. Leaving home (personal RESPONSIBILITY)
b. The new couple (COMMITMENT to a relationship)
c. Families w/ children (accepting new MEMBERS )
d. Families w/ teens (permitting and encouraging INDEPENDENCE)
e. Launching children and moving on (experiencing SEPARATION)
f. Families in later life (accepting GENERATIONAL roles)
36. The human life cycle:
a. Infancy (0-2 years)
i. SURVIVAL and ADJUSTMENT
b. Early childhood (2-6 years)
i. CURIOSITY and ACQUISITION
c. Middle childhood (7-12 years)
i. INDEPENDENCE and MASTERY
d. Adolescence (13-19 years)
i. PEER GROUP and SELF CONCEPT
e. Early adulthood (19-34 years)
i. COUPLING and FAMILY
f. Middle adulthood (35-60 years)
i. SANDWICH GENERATION; parents and children
g. Late middle adulthood (61-74 years)
i. WISDOM and COMPLETION
h. Late adulthood (75+ years)
i. RETROSPECTION and legacy
37. Research indicates that if your parents did NOT have children, it is UNLIKELY you will
experience having them.

General Differences between Men and Women (Note: Not all men nor all women fit
neatly into these general categories, but many do)

1. The primary source of self-esteem for men involves their OCCUPATION, the MONEY
they earn, and SERVICES provided to others while women tend to focus on their
HOME, HUSBAND, FAMILY and CHILDREN (APPEARANCE).

2. Men are concerned about ACHIEVEMENT, while women seek SECURITY.

3. Men view life in COMPARTMENTS and SEGMENTS while women seem more
INTERGRATED and often see the WHOLES picture.

4. Men know they don’t UNDERSTAND women while women think they UNDERSTAND
men. (From female point of view)

5. Men tend to miss SUBTLE CUES while women tune into them.
6. Men have less MEMORY for detail while women seem to NOTICE and REMEMBER
everything.

7. Men tend to be TASK oriented while women are motivated toward PEOPLE. (Now
becoming less and less the case)

8. Men seek to PLEASE their wives while women tend to CARE for their husbands.

9. Men form and maintain relationships by DOING THINGS together while women
enjoy CONVERSATION.

10. Men like to work things out in their HEADS, while women prefer to work them out
with OTHER PEOPLE.

11. WOMEN TEND TO LIVE IN THE PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE, WHILE MEN TEND TO
ONLY LIVE IN THE PRESENT.

12. MEN TEND TO SHUT THE DOOR AND MOVE ON, MAY NOT LEARN FROM THE PAST.

Resolving Conflict in Families

1. Operational Definition:
2. “When the needs, wants, wishes, and desires of one partner are in opposition to the needs,
wants, wishes, and desires of the other.”

Steps in Conflict Resolution

3. Recognize the conflict

4. Accept the conflict
5. Understand the conflict
6. Work through (resolve) the conflict
7. Methods for Resolving Conflict:

From least effective to most effective

8. Physically fight it out
9. Verbal arguments
10. Calling reinforcements and allies to assist you
11. Withdrawal and silence, avoidance of person and/or issue, refuse to engage
12. Deny the existence of the conflict
13. Give in to the other but without support
14. Give in to the other but with support
15. Compromise by taking turns
16. Agree to disagree and live with the conflict
17. Cooperate, negotiate to create a win-win situation

Actions which could be taken

18. Coexist (accommodate)

19. Capitulate (acquiesce)
20. Compromise (negotiate)
21. Collaborate (win-win)

Levels of Support

22. I agree and will help.

23. I agree but can’t (won’t) help.
24. I disagree but won’t block.
25. I disagree and will try to block.

CONFLICT RESOLUTION IN FAMILIES OR WHEREVER

1. Foundation Statements:
a. Conflict exists when the needs, wants, and expectations of one individual are
in opposition with the needs, wants, and expectations of the other.
b. Conflicts can provide opportunities for person and relational growth.
c. Conflict and contention are not the same.
d. Conflict is inevitable, contention is avoidable.
e. Most conflicts can be satisfactorily resolved.
f. Conflicts surrounding values are the most difficult to resolve
g. Frustration results from unfulfilled expectations.
h. Mutual motivation and participation are critical if a conflict is to be effectively
resolved.
i. Something has to change or the conflict will continue.
j. Negotiation generally requires movement by both parties from their points of
origin.

2. Personal Responsibility Questions:

a. What can I do to reduce the tension?
b. What could I have done to avert this conflict situation?
c. How have I contributed to the present situation?
d. What are my current motives toward this situation?
e. What are my present feelings toward my “opponent”?
f. What part of this situation is my responsibility?
g. What can I do to demonstrate support for my “opponent” right now?
h. What did I do or say to leave the impression my “opponent” currently has?
i. How can I let my “opponent” know how much I cherish and appreciate our
relationship?
j. Which is mine to do: apologize or forgive?
 3. Basic Rules for Resolving Conflict through Communication:
a. Discuss to understand rather than argue to win.
b. Determine the issue and stick to it.
c. Mutually determine the time and place for the discussion.
d. Alternate making points with demonstrated understanding.
e. Keep your voice levels down and hands under control.
f. Call and allow time outs when needed. Determine time parameters in advance.
g. Avoid using red flag words or words which are not part of your usual
vocabulary.
h. Avoid prolonged silence.
i. Avoid making assumptions about your partner’s feelings or motives.
j. If this is a marital conflict, avoid all direct or indirect threats of separation or
divorce.
FAMILY COMMUNICATION INVENTORY
1. We have a regular time each week to talk as a family.

2. We generally finish what we are saying before someone else speaks.

3. We discuss to UNDERSTAND rather than argue to WIN.

4. We feel free to express our feelings about most things.

5. We ask for clarification when we don't understand what someone says.

6. We are allowed to have an opinion which differs from others in the family.

7. We openly discuss personal and family financial matters.

8. We feel it is as important to LISTEN as it is to TALK.

9. We are able to share our thoughts and feelings without upsetting other family
members.

10. We are generally able to "talk out" our problems with one another.

11. We are aware of and make use of "non-verbal" communication.

12. We call "time out" when emotions are running too hot.

13. There is usually someone available to talk with.

1. RELATIONSHIPS AND COMMUNICATION (Power Point Presentation Notes)

2. One cannot NOT communicate!
3. Whatever we say or not say; do or not do communicates something.
4. Two types of communication
5. Verbal
6. Non verbal
7. Voice
8. Body
9. Emotions
10. Silence is a very powerful communicator and generally not very productive.
11. “Sticks and stones can break the bones when thrown with angry art. Words can sting like
anything, but silence breaks the heart.”
12. Critical Elements to consider for effective Communication
13. CONTENT = What do I want to say?
14. METHOD = How do I intend to say it?
15. MOTIVE = Why do I want to say it?
16. IMPACT = What possible effect might this message have on the receiver?
17. General Thoughts about Communication
18. All healthy interpersonal relationships depend on effective communication.
19. Effective communication occurs when the receiver receives the message the sender
intended to send.
20. Almost all relationship discord and contention can be traced to basic misunderstandings.
21. The responsibility for effective communication rests on both the sender and the receiver.
22. To blame one or the other for ineffective communication is generally an exercise in
futility.
23. Remember that words and symbols can have different meanings to different people.
24. Soon, always, seldom, never, sometimes, maybe, not now, etc.
25. Ineffective communication can be both symptomatic and problematic.
26. STEPS IN THE COMMUNICATION PROCESS
27. (Sender)
28. Encode
29. Send
30. (Filter)
31. (Receiver)
32. Decode
33. Internal response
34. (Receiver becomes Sender)
35. Encode
36. Send
37. (Filter)
38. (First Sender becomes Receiver)
39. Decode
40. Internal response
41. Suggestions for Sending
42. Speak in short, “one thought” statements.
43. Match words, voice tone, and actions.
44. Verbal and non-verbal
45. Maintain a comfortable distance to encourage appropriate eye contact and attention.
46. Focus on the behavior rather than the person.
47. Share observations rather than inferences (the “what” rather than the “why.”)
48. Speak in terms of “more/less” rather than “either/or.”
49. Provide alternatives rather than solutions.
50. Work in the “here and now” rather than in the “there and then.”
51. Be tentative rather than absolute with your suggestions.
52. Recognize the value of the message to the receiver rather than to the sender. (motive)
53. Use “I” messages rather than “you” messages.
54. Be specific rather than general as you describe the situation.
55. Thoughts About the Filter
56. The filter belongs to the receiver.
57. The filter should be considered by the sender before sending a message.
58. The filter may be affected by such things as:
59. Lack of interest in the person or topic
60. External distractions (Static)
61. Internal distractions (Static)
62. Current emotional state
63. Past experiences
64. Pressure of time
65. Negative motives
66. Other filter blockers
67. Sending styles which weaken relationships
68. Prolonged silence
69. Sarcasm
70. Deception (lies, half truths, and omissions)
71. Criticism
72. Vulgarity and profanity (as experienced by the receiver)
73. Two-level or incongruent messages
74. Angry and emotional outbursts
75. Overt or covert threats of relationship separation
76. Demeaning comments; i.e. name calling, labeling, etc.
77. Use of “red flag” words, topics, and/or topics
78. Suggestions for Receiving
79. Maintain comfortable eye contact
80. Decrease distance without being oppressive
81. Demonstrate attention to the person and the message
82. Request additional information without probing
83. Extend or expand the statement made to encourage further communication
84. Paraphrase and/or clarify the statement you heard
85. Reflect the feelings as well as the words expressed
86. “When in doubt, check it out!”
87. Listen to the whole person with your whole person
88. The Chinese word for “listen” contains three elements:
89. Ear
“SHE” — “HE” — “IT”
(Woman, Man, and Relationship)
(The Needs of each Element in a Marriage)
 Her Needs His Needs “Its” Needs

(Harley) (Harley) (Beckert)

Affection Sexual Fulfillment Mutual Acceptance and

Respect

Conversation Recreational Companionship Compatible Values and Goals

Honesty & Openness An Attractive Spouse Effective Communication

Financial Security & Support Domestic Support Shared Interests and Activities

Family Commitment Admiration Effective Conflict Resolution

Skills

* William Harley, His Needs, Her Needs, How to Build an Affair Proof Marriage

TEN THINGS HUSBANDS WANT THEIR WIVES TO KNOW ABOUT MEN

(Charles B. Beckert, PhD.)

1. I am not a mind reader.

2. I want to please you.

3. I like to solve my own problems in my own way.

4. Being intimate with you means things are OK between us.

5. I don't know what to do when you cry.

6. I need you to be quite specific with me when you expect something.

7. I can't know about and fix everything that breaks.

8. I need to do things with you.

9. Your respect and admiration for me means more than from any other source.

10. I may look tough on the outside but I'm tender on the inside.
 TEN THINGS WIVES WANT THEIR HUSBANDS TO KNOW ABOUT

WOMEN

(Charles B. Beckert, PhD.)

1. I need someone to talk with.

2. I need to feel safe around you and to trust you.

3. Sex and affection are not the same and I need affection from you.

4. I need to know and feel I am important to you and respected as a person.

5. I need to hear how much you love me and if you talk to me before you touch me my response
will generally be more positive.

6. I am not your mother nor your child, but your partner.

7. I am not asking for a solution when I tell you about a problem. I just want to share it with
someone.

8. I am human and have feelings and limits.

9. When you don't talk to me I feel shut out of your life.

10. I am the best thing that ever happened to you.