sufficiently impactful to discourage the
Punishment and the
Adolescent
By Carl E. Pickhardt, Ph.D.
Punishing their adolescent is one of the
more unrewarding parts of parenting. Not
only does it add negativity to a
temporarily strained relationship; it can
provoke the adolescent to punish parents
in return.
This payback is commonly done by acting
mad, by complaining about mistreatment,
or by refusing to talk to them for some
period of time. This is kind of a "You
showed me"/ "I'll show you" exchange of
disfavor. Come adolescence, punishment
is no fun for anyone.
A thankless part of parental discipline,
punishment is NOT for minor infractions
like leaving the refrigerator door open
again or not turning out the lights. It is not
for continuing aggravations like playing
music too loudly or not picking up or
cleaning up after themselves. It is not for
resisting responsibilities like ʻforgetting
homework' or delaying chores. These are
supervisory matters.
As an unwise use of punishment,think of
the parents who ground their teenager for
once again leaving dirty dishes strewn
around the home because they are fed
up with this ongoing aggravation and are
tired of keeping after him about it. This
restriction will show him that they mean
business! But what are they to do next
week when he takes the family car out for
an unlicensed joy ride late at night? They
have just wasted the power of
punishment on his leaving dirty dishes in
the sink.
The purpose of punishment is to
discourage major rule violations by
applying a consequence that is
young person from repeating that
particular misbehavior.
The magnitude of the offenses that
punishment is meant to address are such
serious transgressions as sneaking out
after hours for a night of adventure on the
town, lying about where one really was,
stealing from a family member, and the
like. These are all infractions that either
risk or actually commit harm.
Of course, punishment is not the primary
or only way to deal with serious
violations. First, try to use communication
to hear out, talk out, and work out an
agreement with the teenager so that any
damages are dealt with and a lesson has
been learned. Assuming there is no
likelihood the violation will be repeated,
then communication is enough and there
is no need for the additional deterrence
that punishment can provide.
The power of punishment to reform is
vastly overrated. It often fails to motivate
positive behavior because it only
enforces what not to do, but it doesn't
prescribe and instruct and encourage
what to do differently instead. A punitive
consequence has far less corrective
power than thorough communication.
Reflecting back, a grandmother who had
effectively raised four children of her own
once testified to the power of pure talk.
"When any one of them stepped out of
line they all knew what was coming: a
good old fashioned talking to, only they
called it a lecture, and there was nothing
they hated worse. For however long it
took, and it could take a while, I'd get me
a cup of coffee and we'd sit down to talk
the trouble out until I was satisfied we
both fully understood what happened,
why it happened, and how it wasn't going
to ever happen again. And it never did."
It's when communication fails to correct
that punishment is called into play. Now,
to get their message of across, parents
use punitive actions because persuasive
words have not conveyed - the violation
continuing no matter what they say. At
this point punishment is employed to
make a corrective point by catching the
young person's attention, causing her to
rethink her actions, and hopefully to
encourage her back into compliance.
Sometimes the natural consequences of
the violation provide sufficient deterrence.
Thus when the 12-year-old, against home
rules, plays with fire that starts getting out
of hand, the young person burning
himself in the process of frantically
patting it out, he may be cured of doing it
again. In this case, just talking with him
about the scary experience and
ministering to the hurt may be all parents
have to do. The violation itself has proved
punishing enough.
In the same way, parents don't have to
double punish for what has already been
punished by outside authorities. If a
school violation has occurred, with
several days of in-school suspension
ordered to pay for the infraction, then
parents simply have to help their son or
daughter connect the misbehavior with
the consequence. "It sounds like school
is really serious about not permitting that
kind of behavior. So now you know."
Since outside authorities are willing to
play the heavy, parents have the luxury of
empathizing with their adolescent
("School must feel lonely when you're
unable to see your friends"), while silently
supporting the consequence that was
justly given.