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COMMENTARY
Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades
BY JAMES M. KILTS
CEO AND PRESIDENT, <BR>THE GILLETTE COMPANY Facebook
FEBRUARY 18, 2004 | ISSUE 40•07

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking ARTICLE TOOLS
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vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor Login
48 your friends' activity
to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were
we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the
Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But
you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what
Email
happened—the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing
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around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip.
Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades. Share

Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like the logical
thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. RELATED ARTICLES
So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why I Enjoy The Occasional Tranq
innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a b usiness, that's why! Dart
01.25.06
You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're the ones who
Paw n-Shop Customer Plans
have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? Fuck, no. To Buy Toaster Back F acebook social plugin
Gillette is the best a man can get. 05.19.04

What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better,
obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way Twitter
to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well,
five blades is the biggest chance of all.
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Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my ass with it. They don't tell
Help Clean Up NFC West
me what to invent—I tell them. And I'm telling them to stick two more blades in there. I don't care how. Make the
284 Obam a Replaces Costly High-Speed Rail
blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in
Plan With High-Speed Bus Plan
perpendicular to the other four, just do it!
241 New McDonald's Sandw ich Offers Free
You're taking the "safety" part of "safety razor" too literally, grandma. Cut the strings and soar. Let's hit it. Let's roll. Wi-Fi
This is our chance to make razor history. Let's dream big. All you have to do is say that five blades can happen,
238 911 Operator Patiently Explains That, No,
and it will happen. If you aren't on board, then fuck you. And if you're on the board, then fuck you and your father.
You Can't Die Of Hangover
Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the five-blade razor
becomes the shaving tool for the U.S. of "this is how we shave now" A. 97 Your Horoscopes - Week Of Novem ber 16,
2010
People said we couldn't go to three. It'll cost a fortune to manufacture, they said. Well, we did it. Now some
96 Clinton To Appear In 'Hangover 2'
egghead in a lab is screaming "Five's crazy?" Well, perhaps he'd be more comfortable in the labs at Norelco,
working on fucking electrics. Rotary blades, my white ass!

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we should just ride in Bic's wake and make pens. Ha! Not on your fucking life! The day I
shadow a penny-ante outfit like Bic is the day I leave the razor game for good, and that won't happen until the day I
die! Follow The Onion
The market? Listen, we make the market. All we have to do is put her out there with a little jingle. It's as easy as,
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"Hey, shaving with anything less than five blades is like scraping your beard off with a dull hatchet." Or "You'll be [see sample]
so smooth, I could snort lines off of your chin." Try "Your neck is going to be so friggin' soft, someone's gonna YOUR EMAIL
walk up and tie a goddamn Cub Scout kerchief under it."

I know what you're thinking now: What'll people say? Mew mew mew. Oh, no, what will people say?! Grow the fuck daily weekly video
up. When you're on top, people talk. That's the price you pay for being on top. Which Gillette is, always has been,
Other Options:
and forever shall be, Amen, five blades, sweet Jesus in heaven.

theonion.com/…/fuck-everything-were… 1/2
11/16/2010 Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Bla…
Stop. I just had a stroke of genius. Are you ready? Open your mouth, baby birds, cause Mama's about to drop you
one sweet, fat nightcrawler. Here she comes: Put another aloe strip on that fucker, too. That's right. Five blades,
two strips, and make the second one lather. You heard me—the second strip lathers. It's a whole new way to think
about shaving. Don't question it. Don't say a word. Just key the music, and call the chorus girls, because we're on
the edge—the razor's edge—and I feel like dancing.

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