ohn D.

Moore in his book, Confusing Love with Obsession

[hide]
• 1 The dangers of obsessive love
• 2 The "Obsessive Love Wheel"
◦ 2.1 Phase one: Attraction phase
◦ 2.2 Phase two: Anxious phase
◦ 2.3 Phase three: Obsessive phase
◦ 2.4 Phase four: Destructive phase
---
' Fixation: concept originated by Sigmund Freud (1905a) to denote the persistence of
[1]
anachronistic sexual traits' . Subsequently '"Fixation" acquired a broader connotation.
With the development of theory of libidinal stages...the term came to mean a persistent
attachment, not only to the specific instinctual aims of a particular era, but, instead, to
[2]
the entire complex of self and object relation' at that time.
More generally, it is the state in which an individual becomes obsessed with an
attachment to another person, being or object (in human psychology).
For frued, it was the sexual stages that fix
Fixation has been compared to the way 'if you walk in front of a little chick at a certain
[16]
time in the chick's life he'll follow you...there's a particular time when he gets "set"' .
Such 'filial imprinting...at a particular stage early in life...a "sensitive period" in
[17]
development' might seem an all to easy explanation for the phenomenon of fixation.
Freud, however, 'wanted to loosen, not tighten, the link between libido and its
[18]
objects' , and always looked for more specific causes for any given (perverse or
neurotic) fixation.

[edit] Fixation, Transference and Cure

In the course of analysis, 'a new fixation is thereby established...The original fixation has
[19]
become a transference fixation' . However the two fixations may be very different in
nature. 'Suppose we succeeded in bringing a case to a favourable conclusion by setting
up and then resolving a strong father-transference to the doctor. It would not be correct
to conclude that the patient had suffered previously from a similar unconscious
[20]
attachment of his libido to his father' : the original fixation may have been quite
different from a father-complex, so that 'the patient's libido was directed to it from other
[21]
positions' .
[1][2] [3]
Behavioral addiction (also called process addiction or "non-substance-related
[4][5]
addiction". ) is a recurring compulsion by an individual to engage in some specific
activity, despite harmful consequences, as deemed by the user himself to his individual
health, mental state, or social life. Many such processes within this concept are not
harmful or deviant by themselves, but become so when they result in these negative
consequences. Frequently discussed examples include gambling, sex, eating, and
internet usage.
The applicability of the word "addiction" to these conditions is controversial, and there is
not a universal consensus as to the most appropriate phrase used to describe these
conditions as a class.
"Behavioral addictions" is proposed as a new class in DSM-5, but the only category
included is gambling addiction. Internet addiction and sex addiction are included in the
[6]
appendix.
The term soft addiction was coined by Judith Wright, an educator, author, and founder
[7]
of the Wright Graduate Institute. Soft addictions can be activities, moods or ways of
being, avoidances, and things-edible and consumable. Soft addictions are different than
hard addictions in that they are not behaviors that pose a grave health disease risk -
rather, they have the most effect on personal time and productivity. These behaviors
[8]
were profiled in a 2007 ABC News story titled Bad Habits.
Limerence is a cognitive and emotional state of being infatuated or obsessed with
another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire
for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship (although it
can further intensify the situation). The term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov
[1]
to describe the ultimate, near-obsessive form of romantic love. Limerence is
sometimes also referred to as infatuation, or is colloquially known as a crush, but in
reality it is something much different. In common speech, infatuation includes aspects of
immaturity and extrapolation from insufficient information, and is usually short-lived.
The concept is an attempt at a scientific study into the nature of romantic love.
Limerence can often be what is meant when one expresses having intense feelings of
attachment and preoccupations with the love object. It can be experienced as intense
joy or as extreme despair, depending on whether the feelings are reciprocated.
According to Tennov, there are at least two types of love: limerence, what she calls
"loving attachment", and "loving affection," the bond that exists between an individual
[2]
and his or her parents and children.
Limerence is characterized by intrusive thinking and pronounced sensitivity to external
events that reflect the disposition of the limerent object towards the individual. Basically,
it is the state of being completely carried away by unreasoned passion or love; addictive
love. Usually, one is inspired with an intense passion or admiration for someone.
Limerence can be difficult to understand for those who have never experienced it, and it
is thus often dismissed by nonlimerents as ridiculous fantasy or a construct of romantic
[3]
fiction.
The concept of limerence first originated in Tennov's research in the mid-1960s. She
interviewed over 500 people on the topic of love. Tennov coined the term "limerence" in
1977, publishing it in her 1979 book "Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in
Love".
Tennov differentiates between limerence and other emotions by asserting that love
involves concern for the other person's welfare and feeling. While limerence does not
require it, those concerns may certainly be incorporated.
Affection and fondness exist only as a disposition towards another person, irrespective of
whether those feelings are reciprocated, whereas limerence deeply desires return, but it
remains unaltered whether it's returned or not. Physical contact with the object is
neither essential nor sufficient to an individual experiencing limerence, unlike one
experiencing sexual attraction.
A "crush" is often used to associate with children or teenagers who have a physical
attraction.

[edit] Components
[3]
Limerence involves intrusive thinking about the limerent object. Other characteristics
include acute longing for reciprocation, fear of rejection, and unsettling shyness in the
limerent object's presence. In cases of unrequited limerence, transient relief may be
found by vividly imagining reciprocation from the limerent object.
Feelings of limerence can be intensified through adversity, obstacles, or distance. A
limerent person may have acute sensitivity to any act, thought, or condition that can be
interpreted favorably. This may include a tendency to devise, fabricate, or invent
"reasonable" explanations for why neutral actions are a sign of hidden passion in the
limerent object.
A person experiencing limerence has a general intensity of feeling that leaves other
concerns in the background. In their thoughts, a limerent person tends to emphasize
what is admirable in the limerent object and to avoid any negative or problematic
attributes.
[edit] Intrusive thinking

During the height of limerence, thoughts of the limerent object (or person) are at once
persistent, involuntary and intrusive. Limerence is first and foremost a condition of
cognitive obsession. All events, associations, stimuli, and experiences return thoughts to
the limerent object with unnerving consistency.
The constant thoughts about the limerent object define all other experiences. If a certain
thought has no previous connection with the limerent object, immediately one is made.
[3]
Limerent fantasy is unsatisfactory unless rooted in reality, because the fantasizer may
want the fantasy to seem realistic and somewhat possible.
Fantasies that are concerned with far-fetched ideas are usually dropped by the
[3]
fantasizer. Sometimes it is retrospective; actual events are replayed from memory
with great vividness. This form predominates when what is viewed as evidence of
possible reciprocation can be re-experienced (a kind of selective or revisionist history).
Otherwise, the long fantasy is anticipatory; it begins in the everyday world and climaxes
at the attainment of the limerent goal. A limerent fantasy can also involve an unusual,
often tragic, event.
The long fantasies form bridges between the limerent's ordinary life and that intensely
desired ecstatic moment. The duration and complexity of a fantasy depend on the
availability of time and freedom from distractions. The bliss of the imagined moment of
consummation is greater when events imagined to precede it are possible.
In fact they often represent grave departures from the probable. Not always is it entirely
pleasant, and when rejection seems likely the thoughts focus on despair, sometimes to
the point of suicide. The pleasantness or unpleasantness of the state seems almost
unrelated to the intensity of the reaction.
Although the direction of feeling, i.e. happy versus unhappy, shifts rapidly, the intensity
of intrusive and involuntary thinking alters less rapidly, and alters only in response to an
accumulation of experiences with the particular limerent object.
Fantasies are occasionally dreamed by the one experiencing limerence. Dreams give out
strong emotion and happiness when experienced, but often end with despair when the
subject awakens. Dreams can reawaken strong feelings toward the limerent object after
the feelings have declined.

[edit] Fear of rejection

Along with the emphasis on positive qualities perceived in the limerent object, and
preoccupation with the hope for return of feelings, there is a fear that limerence will be
met by the very opposite of reciprocation: rejection. Considerable self-doubt and
uncertainty is experienced and it causes pain, but also enhances desire to a certain
extent.
However in most cases, this is what helps to eventually destroy the limerence if a
suitably long period of time has passed without reciprocation.
Limerent fear of rejection is usually confined to shyness in the presence of the limerent
object, but it can also spread to situations involving other potential limerent objects,
though generally it does not affect other spheres of life.
Although it appears that limerence blossoms under some forms of adversity, extreme
caution and shyness may prevent a relationship from occurring, even when both parties
are interested. This results from a fear of exposing one's undesirable characteristics to
the limerent object.

[edit] Hope

Limerence develops and is sustained when there is a certain balance of hope and
uncertainty. The base for limerent hope is not in objective reality but reality as it is
perceived. The inclination is to sift through nuances of speech and subtleties of behavior
for evidence of limerent hope. "Little things" are noticed and endlessly analyzed for
meaning.
The belief that the limerent object does not and will not reciprocate can only come about
with great difficulty. Limerence can be carried quite far before acknowledgment of
rejection is genuine, especially if it has not been addressed openly by the object of
limerence.
Excessive concern over trivia may not be entirely unfounded. Body language can indicate
a return of feeling. What the limerent object said and did is recalled with vividness.
Alternative meanings of those behaviors recalled are searched out.
Each word and gesture is permanently available for review, especially those interpreted
as evidence in favor of "return of feeling." When objects, people, places or situations are
encountered with the limerent object, they are vividly remembered, especially if the
limerent object 'interacted' with them in some way.

[edit] Physical effects

The physiological correlations of limerence are heart palpitations, trembling, pallor,

flushing, pupil dilation and general weakness. Awkwardness, stuttering, shyness,
confusion predominate at the behavioral level, dizziness, Syncope (Fainting/Passing out),
Illness (Sickness, dizziness, headaches, etc.), and loss of appetite.
There is apprehension, nervousness, and anxiety due to terrible worry that any action
may bring about disaster. Many of the commonly associated physiological reactions are
the result of the limerent fear. Some people however may find that these effects come
most strongly either immediately at or some time after contact with the object of
limerence, and this is accompanied with an acute feeling of ecstasy or despair,
depending on the turn of events beforehand.
The super-sensitivity that is heightened by fear of rejection can get in the way of
interpreting the limerent object's body language and lead to inaction and wasted
opportunities. Body signals may be emitted that confuse and interfere with attaining the
limerent object.
A condition of sustained alertness, a heightening of awareness and an enormous fund of
energy to deploy in pursuit of the limerent aim is developed. The sensation of limerence
is felt in the midpoint of the chest, bottom of the throat, guts, or in some cases in the
[3]
abdominal region. This can be interpreted as ecstasy at times of mutuality, but its
presence is most noticeable during despair at times of rejection.

[edit] Fainting

Syncope, or "fainting", very rarely happens, but can take place when the person is
[citation needed]
deeply in love with the limerent object , physically, and personality-wise,
and is usually only for small periods, 1–5 seconds. It is a sign of true obsession for the
[citation needed]
limerent object, reaching the peak of limerence (very rarely happens) and
is often accompanied by non-stop thinking of the limerent object for long periods of
time.

[edit] Sexuality

Awareness of physical attraction plays a key role in the development of limerence, but is
not enough to satisfy the limerent desire, and is almost never the main focus—instead,
the limerent focuses on what could be defined as the "beneficial attributes".
A person, to become the limerent object, must be a potential sex partner. Limerence can
be intensified after a sexual relationship has begun, and with more intense limerence
there is greater desire for sexual contact. However, while sexual surrender once
indicated the end of uncertainty in the limerent object, in modern times this is not
necessarily the case.
Sexual fantasies are distinct from limerent ones. Limerent fantasy is rooted in reality and
is intrusive rather than voluntary. Sexual fantasies are under more or less voluntary
control and may also involve strangers, imaginary individuals, and situations that could
not take place. Limerence elevates body temperature and increases relaxation, a
sensation of viewing the world with rose-tinted glasses, becoming more receptive to
sexuality, and daydreaming about how good a lover your co-worker or a stranger on the
bus might be.
People can become aroused by the thought of sexual partners, acts, and situations that
are not truly desired, whereas every detail of the limerent fantasy is passionately desired
actually to take place. Limerence sometimes increases sexual interest in other partners
when the limerent object is unreceptive or unavailable, such as when married people
find sex with their spouses more pleasurable when they become limerent over someone
else.

[edit] Limerent reaction

The limerent reaction is a composite reaction; that is, it actually describes a unique
series of reactions. These reactions occur only where misperceptions meet adversity in
the context of a romance. Perhaps because of this unique specificity, limerent reactions
can be uniquely quantified and predicted according to the schema described below.
Involvement increases if obstacles are externally imposed or if the limerent object’s
feelings are doubted. Only if the limerent object were to be revealed as highly
undesirable might limerence subside. The presence of some degree of doubt causes the
intensity of the feelings to rise further. The stage is reached at which the reaction is
virtually impossible to dislodge.
This adversity may be superficial or deep, internal or external, so that an individual may
generate deep adversity where none exists. Also "romance," as it were, need not be
present in any genuine way for a limerent reaction to proceed.
The course of limerence results in a more intrusive thinking pattern. This thinking
pattern is an expectant and often joyous period with the initial focusing on the limerent
object’s admirable qualities; crystallization. Then, under appropriate conditions of hope
and uncertainty, the limerence intensifies further.
With evidence of reciprocation (real or imagined) from the limerent object, a state of
extreme pleasure, even euphoria, is enjoyed. Thoughts are mainly occupied with
considering and reconsidering what is attractive in the limerent object, replaying
whatever events may have thus far transpired with the limerent object, and appreciating
personal qualities perceived as possibly having sparked interest in the limerent object.
At peak crystallization, almost all waking thoughts revolve around the limerent object.
After this peak, the feelings eventually decline.
Fantasies are preferred to virtually any other activity with the exception of activities that
are believed to help obtain the limerent object, and activities that involve actually being
in the presence of the limerent object. The motivation to attain a "relationship" continues
to intensify so long as a proper mix of hope and uncertainty exist.
Tennov estimates, based on both questionnaire and interview data, that the average
limerent reaction duration, from the moment of initiation until a feeling of neutrality is
reached, is approximately three years. The extremes may be as brief as a few weeks or
as long as several decades. When limerence is brief, maximum intensity may not have
been attained.
Limerence generally lasts between 18 months and three years, but further studies on
unrequited limerence have suggested longer durations.

[edit] Bond varieties

Main article: Human bonding
Once the limerent reaction has initiated, one of three varieties of bonds may form,
defined over a set duration of time, in relation to the experience or non-experience of
limerence. The constitution of these bonds may vary over the course of the relationship,
in ways that may either increase or decrease the intensity of the limerence.
The basis and interesting characteristic of this delineation made by Tennov, is that based
on her research and interviews with people, all human bonded relationships can be
divided into three varieties being defined by the amount of limerence or non-limerence
each partner contributes to the relationship.
With an affectional bond, neither partner is limerent. With a Limerent-Nonlimerent bond,
one partner is limerent. In a Limerent-Limerent bond, both partners are limerent.
Affectional bonding characterize those affectionate sexual relationships where neither
partner is limerent; couples tend to be in love, but do not report continuous and
unwanted intrusive thinking, feeling intense need for exclusivity, or define their goals in
terms of reciprocity. These types of bonded couples tend to emphasize compatibility of
interests, mutual preferences in leisure activities, ability to work together, and in some
cases a degree of relative contentment.
The bulk of relationships, however, according to Tennov, are those between a limerent
person and a nonlimerent other, i.e. limerent-nonlimerent bonding. These bonds are
characterized by unequal reciprocation.
Lastly, those relationship bonds in which there exists mutual reciprocation are defined as
limerent-limerent bondings. Tennov argues since limerence itself is an "unstable state"
that mutually limerent bonds would be expected to be short-lived; mixed relationships
probably last longer than limerent-limerent relationships; and affectional bondings tend
to be characterized as "old marrieds" whose interactions are typically both stable and
mutually gratifying.

[edit] Impact
Tennov's research has been continued by Albert Wakin, who knew Tennov at the
University of Bridgeport but didn't assist in her research, and Duyen Vo, a graduate
[4]
student of Southern Connecticut State University. They are refining the term to refer
to the negative pathological aspects of Limerence. The term "Limerence" has been
invoked in many popular media, including self-help books, popular magazines, and
websites.
Still, according to a paper by Wakin and Vo, "In spite of the public’s exposure to
limerence, the professional community, particularly clinical, is largely unaware of the
[5]
concept." In 2008, they presented their updated research to the American Association
of Behavioral and Social Sciences. Wakin and Vo reported that more research must be
gathered before the condition is suited for the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
[4]
Mental Disorders (DSM).

Love addiction is a human behavior in which people become addicted to the feeling of
being in love. Love addicts can take on many different behaviors. Love addiction is
common; however, most love addicts do not realize they are addicted to love. Love
addiction can be treated with various recovery techniques, most of which are similar to
recovery from other addictions such as sex addiction and alcoholism, through group
meetings and support groups. (Bireda 5)

Process
The normal process of falling into love addiction begins when a person begins to feel
sympathy with another person after going through an initially innocent moment of
attraction and automatically idealizes the other to the point of divinity. The individual is
then blindly attached to the other person, becoming incapable of making a realistic
analysis of the situation; they may project all kinds of illusions onto the other person,
believing them to be the only one that can bring happiness. This process can be very
quick. For some, this can be a brief experience that is only the first step toward a more
mature relationship. There are, however, those who never go past this stage of blind
love. (Timmreck 12-14)
Obsession can be considered the primary symptom of any addiction. In love addiction,
the individual's insecurity gives rise to an obsessive attachment to the object of their
affection. It typically manifests as an insatiable hunger that distorts the person's
perception of reality and often results in various unhealthy behaviors and suffering.
(Timmreck 15)

[edit] Types
Writers describe different types of individuals who become addicted to love relationships.
Susan Peabody describes several types of love addicts:
• Obsessed love addicts: This type of addiction comes with the inability to live
independently from another person, or a feeling of possession.
• Codependency addicts
• Relationship addicts: This can represent itself as an addiction to the idea of
having a relationship instead of a person. There are two types: those who are
constantly in and out of relationships and those who will not let go of a bad
relationship for the sake of having a relationship.
• Narcissistic love addicts
• Ambivalent love addicts
• Torch bearers
• Seductive withholders
• Romance addicts: This can represent itself as an obsession over romance
itself, including, but not limited to adventure and passion. People suffering with
this type of love addiction worry about romantic rituals such as dates, dinner,
sex, and everything else that has to do with a passing romance. This can often
be a representation of the person's individual fantasies. Love addicts will seek
seduction and conquest, but quickly tire of it. A typical example is the legendary
Don Juan.
Therapist and author Jim Hall describes nine types of love addict:
Typical
The typical love addict demonstrates the most predictable relational patterns for the
majority of people who fall into addictive relationships. Time and again they become
preoccupied and obsessed with attaining or keeping the perfect person, "soul mate,"
"Superman," or "Wonder Woman" who will make their lives meaningful and give them
unconditional love/positive regard they are so desperate for. In their obsession, fantasy,
and denial they quickly fall into and become infatuated in relationships. Essentially their
identity is formed only through their relationship with their partner. Because of impaired
boundaries, they are in constant pursuit of merging with their partner; therefore, they
become overly dependent ("clingy") and smother their partners. They take all focus off
themselves (escaping) while throwing themselves into their partner's life. They try to
earn love and attention that will guarantee they will not be left, abandoned, and
alone—one of their greatest fears.
Romantic
Romantic love addicts are "romance junkies" and relationship "hoppers." They
compulsively hop from one infatuated relationship to another in an attempt to keep their
supply (dependency or addiction) going. Initially they often believe they're in love with a
person they start a relationship with, but they don't truly fall in love. Romantic love
addicts are addicted to the fantasy created in their minds and have false hopes
(unrealistic expectation) that one day they will find the right one who somehow will keep
the "rush," passion, and intensity going all the time—an impossible task for anyone.
Anorexic
The anorexic love addict compulsively decides to avoid intimacy. It is the avoidance of
giving or receiving sexual or emotional intimate contact. Their emotional state becomes
a rigid and compulsive avoidance of relationships. The Anorexic Love Addict falls victim
to in an obsessive state in which the physical, mental, and emotional task of avoiding
romantic relationships rule one‘s life. Again and again (sometimes it may be just one
painful experience) they experience the painful grief and withdrawal symptoms when a
relationship. They come to a point where they are tired of feeling let down and betrayed,
and they decide "no more relationships." In their distorted perception the experience of
feeling betrayed, abandoned and rejected again and again is too much to take. Anorexic
love addict types move from one emotional polar extreme to the other with no in-
between. Their reality becomes either all black or all white (either desperate for love or
desperate to keep away love).
Non-romantic
The non-romantic love addict becomes obsessed with another person but the obsession
has nothing to do with romantic love. They can become obsessively addicted to
anyone—an acquaintance, friend, priest, teacher, co-worker, child, or celebrity. Even if
the non-romantic love addict is in a committed relationship or married, they can become
emotionally attached, dependent upon and addicted to someone outside without
romantic or sexual intentions, including someone of the same sex.
Avoidant
The avoidant love addict is the type of partner "typical love addicts" most commonly and
repeatedly fall for in relationships. Avoidant love addicts become dependent on their
partner's neediness and are only attracted to people who they can control. They rely on
feeling empowered from a person who looks up to them, worships them, puts them up
on a pedestal, which provides a kind of narcissistic supply. Traits of narcissism—being
wanted, needed, and worshiped—is their drug. It is why they are attracted to love addict
partners in relationships. The sense of having control in relationships is very important,
and control feeds their grandiosity and sense of being entitled. Feeling power, and
therefore control, over their needy love addict partner provides them a source of self-
worth and meaning in their own lives. Moreover, it keeps them from potential intimately
connecting and being vulnerable in relationships, which is often one of their greatest
fears.
Abusive
The abusive love addict is an individual who employs both emotional and physical abuse,
violence and intimidation in relationships. Abusive love addicts virtually always attract
typical love addicts willing to tolerate callous and spiteful acts against them. They exhibit
the same elements of the emotionally avoidant love addict but with the added element of
becoming abusive. Their goal is to keep their partner in prison, emotionally and
physically. They feel empowered and secured when they control their partner.
Battered
Battered love addicts are love addict types who routinely tolerate and stay in
relationships with abusive love addict partners. Women and men who fall into abusive
relationships are virtually always dependent at some level on their partner despite the
harm they receive. Battered love addicts are usually but not always females.
Sex and love
The sex and love addict displays the uniform patterns of the "typical love addict", but the
additional characteristic is the sex and love addict type also is highly preoccupied with
sex and sexual fantasies with only one particular person, usually a romantic partner.
They are not in love with their partner so much as they are in love with the sexual acts
with their partner. The sex and love addict rarely seeks sex outside of a romantic
relationship (unlike the pure sex addict). The sexual obsession with one partner becomes
a significant driving force for staying in a relationship. Like most love addicts they will
tolerate misery and pain in a relationship; however, they do it solely for maintaining
sexual intimacy with that one person.
Parental
The parental love addict's obsessive behavior is directed toward their children. In order
to escape feelings of inner emptiness and impaired sense of self, the parental love addict
becomes dependent on one or more of their children. They see their children as
extensions of themselves and become enmeshed in their daily lives. Intensely over-
involved with their children, they have a great need to make their children anything that
makes them (the parent) feel secure. They want their children to like them at the cost of
providing healthy parenting. They placate, give too much, and do too much, which leave
their children feeling inadequate, invalid, and suffocated. They can not see that their
children are doing bad while claiming to do good. They frequently violate their children's
boundaries. They share too much information, vent, and manipulate their children for
their own gain. Love is not the problem in these cases; the problem is in the choices
parental love addicts make in the name of love.