Interpersonal Skills

Interpersonal skills are all the behaviors and feelings that exist within all of us that influence our
interactions with others. Whether we are shy or bold, quiet or passive, domineering or
cooperative are all different examples of characteristics of interpersonal skills. How do we
develop our interpersonal skills? We don’t really… at least not consciously. These skills are
learned from watching our parents, the television and our peers. Children imitate in an attempt to
learn. Most of what we believe to be true about ourselves and the world around us, we do not
stop and examine. It is only when problems arise that we are given a glimpse into our
interpersonal skills and the potential for change that exists.

Healthy interpersonal skills reduce stress, reduce conflict, improve communication, enhance
intimacy, increase understanding, and promote joy.

Interpersonal Skills Assessment

Determine the personal relevance of each statement to how you see yourself right now.

How Often do You...

• seek approval and affirmation from others, and I am afraid of criticism.

• guess at what normal behavior is, and I usually feel as if I am different from other people.
• isolate myself from and am afraid of people in authority roles.
• am not able to appreciate my own accomplishments and good deeds.
• tend to have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
• get frightened or stressed when I am in the company of an angry person.
• order to avoid a conflict, I find it easier to lie than tell the truth.
• have judged myself harshly. I am my own worst critic, and I am harder on myself than I
am on others.
• feel that I am being taken advantage of by individuals and society in general; I often feel
victimized.
• take myself very seriously, and I view all of relationships just as seriously.
• have problems developing and maintaining intimate relationships.
• feel guilty when I stand up for myself or take care of my needs first, instead of giving in
or taking care of others’ needs first.
• feel responsible for others and find it easier to have concern for others that for myself.
• become impulsive and act too quickly, before considering other actions or possible
consequences.
• have difficulty in being able to feel or to express feelings; I feel out of touch with my
feelings.

If You found yourself Identifying with a number of this statements, you could likely benefit from
working on your interpersonal skills. These Skills Consist of:

Communication Skills Communion demands that we listen as well as speak

Assertiveness Skills Expressing yourself and your rights without violating the rights of others
Conflict Resolution Conflict is natural and inevitable. Conflict Resolution helps you resolve
 differences so that you may continue with the relationship in an effective way.
Knowing how to recognize and express anger appropriately can help us to
Anger Management reach goals, handle emergencies, solve problems and even protect our health.

According to business world, one of the most important elements that could help
you get there is interpersonal communication skills. There is no doubt left today
that people who have these skills make it big. Now, some are born with these skills
from birth. Meaning, some people can just handle other people better than the rest.
But if a person like this is intimidating you, have no fear. Where some are blessed
with this talent, others can acquire it over time. We need to mention here that we
all have our gifts in good measure.

Here are a few tips to help you increase interpersonal skills:

A. Get over yourself: If there is one thing that stops us from growing as persons it
may well be the ego. We are not always right, and we never do like hearing from
another that we are wrong. We need to keep our egos well in check, so that we do
not miss out on the constructive criticism as an insult to our ego. Once we have this
done there is little to stop us from getting ahead in life.

B. Get to understand others: We know this is not easy, especially when someone is
trying to get you to look bad. But do try and put your own self into the shoes of the
other. There is much to be learned from this.

C. Listen more than you hear: How often do we see people fighting their verbal
selves to be able to be heard at the table? Let us choose to be one among those
who listen, and not just hear. Even an animal can hear. A human should be able to
hear, understand and respond to other humans around.

D. Understand that people actually listen to you sometimes: Do not just talk for the
sake of talking, don't ever do that. Empty words never did do any good to any body.

E. Non-verbal: Did you know you could hurt some body simply by making the wrong
gesture? It may seem a little far fetched at first, but you can very well hurt someone
by shrugging off their remarks. Let us try to be respective to all through our body
language.

F. Practice is everything: Just as with all other things, working on your interpersonal
skills calls for a bit of practice. Trying to be polite to your very close friends and to
family is a great place to start.

Once you put your mind to improving your interpersonal skills that is half the battle
won, and you will soon see your relationships getting better over time.
@ http://www.articlesbase.com/self-improvement-articles/interpersonal-skills-6-
ways-to-improve-your-interpersonal-skills-to-unknown-heights-289872.html

HIGHLANDS RANCH, Colo. -- A research study released today links interpersonal skills to
effective managerial job performance. The study shows that interpersonal skills are an important
element of overall success comparable to intelligence, previous work experience and personality.

The study, conducted by The TRACOM Group, examined 127 managers within an international
publishing company. Researchers compared the managers' scores on various aspects of job
performance with their Versatility scores. Versatility is a concept closely related to social or
emotional intelligence. A person's level of Versatility indicates his or her ability to interact
effectively and gain the approval and support of coworkers.

"Most people recognize the importance of interpersonal skills in the workplace, but it's often
hard to measure," said Dr. Casey Mulqueen, TRACOM's Director of Research. "This study
offers proof that such skills are directly related to effective job performance, and that Versatility
does in fact make for better performing managers."

TRACOM used separate assessment tools to measure Versatility and job performance, which
included 47 variables such as "ability to effectively manage conflict," "ability to influence,"
"initiative" and "effective team leadership." For Versatility scores, managers in the top 25th
percentile were given a rating of "high," and managers in the bottom 25th percentile were rated
"low." Managers were rated by their supervisors and direct reports.

@ http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0EIN/is_2005_August_31/ai_n15336204/

Types of Interpersonal Skills

Week 4: Interpersonal Skills

This week you are going to learn some of the most important life skills of this course, how to
deal with people. We will cover empathy, active listening, communication styles (including the
influence of culture and gender), dealing with difficult people, and assertiveness. Not only will
this prove useful in your work with your faculty partner, but also in your professional and
personal life.

The first key to working well with people is developing empathy. This means the ability to put
yourself in the other person's shoes, to see things from his or her point of view. In particular,
you need to understand your faculty partner very well. As a student, you only see part of your
instructors' lives, primarily what goes on in the classroom. There is much that goes on behind
the scenes. Understanding this will help you to develop a project with greater sensitivity to your
faculty partner's needs. Read the case studies below to get an idea of what a weekly schedule
looks like for a faculty member. There is a lot of variation, depending on what kind of research,
if any, the faculty member is doing. However, the one thing all instructors have in common is
limitation on available time. That means that any technological solution must not be too time-
consuming.

Moreover, in the ET Partners program, the usual teacher-student roles are reversed. Be sensitive
to the fact that your faculty partner is an instructor, by definition the disseminator of knowledge.
Your partner may not be used to talking to a student who knows more than he or she does on a
particular subject. Showing respect and empathy for your partner will help him or her to adjust
to this new role.

Active listening:

Active listening is a skill that you can use in your faculty interviews as well as personal life.
Active listening is a particular way of engaging in a conversation in which attention is focused
primarily on one person, with the listener fully engaged in absorbing and responding to what the
speaker is saying. Journalists, counselors, business people, teachers, and parents all find this
skill useful.

There are several components to active listening. In an environment such as the United States,
eye contact is crucial to conveying that you are interested in what the speaker is saying. If you
were raised in a culture where direct eye contact is not the norm, you may find it a little
uncomfortable, but it is the best way to convey a positive message to your faculty partner. If you
have a direct, friendly, and relaxed expression on your face, it conveys a message that you are
listening attentively.

Rather than sitting silently while your partner is speaking, an active listener makes a variety of
responses. The listener may encourage the speaker to continue or elaborate on what he or she is
saying. This can be as simple as nodding one's head, saying "Mm hm," or asking specific
questions designed to encourage the speaker to go into more depth on the topic. The important
thing to remember is that such responses should not be done in a mechanical or absent-minded
way, otherwise it may seem as if you are not listening.

Restating what you hear is another way to respond. This demonstrates that you have internalized
what the speaker is saying and understand it. Don't just repeat what you heard, but put it into
your own words. You can check comprehension by saying something like, "If I understand you
correctly, what you are saying is..." or "So, in other words, ..." You may find, to your surprise,
that you haven't understood correctly, and this gives the speaker a chance to clarify any points
necessary. This is especially important in cases where your partner is new to the technology you
plan to use. Your partner may not be familiar enough with the technical terms or concepts to
express him- or herself clearly. This doesn't mean the faculty member is not intelligent, just that
computer technology falls outside his or her field. Restating and checking for comprehension
can save you time by making sure that you are not using the same words to describe different
things.

In some circumstances, it is appropriate to reflect the feelings, as well as factual content, that you
are hearing from the speaker. This is especially true in personal situations. Reflecting feelings is
an expression of empathy. You might say something like, "It sounds as if you feel quite
pressured right now," for example. Making explicit your understanding of the other person's
feelings not only allows you to make sure you are interpreting correctly, it also sends a message
that you are empathizing with the speaker.

After you have moved through specifics with your partner, you might want to summarize what
you have heard. You can restate the main point, or put the details into the larger picture. This is
an excellent technique to use toward the end of an interview, and can be followed by suggested
concrete actions. The following example shows how a summary statement can lead to a concrete
solution:

It sounds as if the main thing you need to do is get the material organized and on the web for
students to read outside of class. We might design a home page with links to each topic, then
have all the images and readings accessible from the topic pages. The first step is to collect all
the material and sort it out. Could you gather all the hard copy and put it in folders by topic, and
do the same with computer files, putting the files for each topic on a different disk? Then I'll
scan the photos and show you how to put everything on the server. From there, we can see what
additional materials we need, and begin to develop the web pages.

There are several things you should avoid when practicing active listening. Of course, you don't
want to interrupt the speaker or change the subject. Mechanical responses should be avoided, as
they send a message opposite to the one you intend. Redirecting the conversation by asking
questions that lead in a different direction from what the speaker is saying is another
conversational tactic that works against active listening. Sometimes you may need that tactic,
but it is not part of active listening.

Active listening not only promotes good relationships, but also enhances your ability to
understand and remember what you hear. You will find many opportunities in your life to put
active listening into practice.

Communication styles:

It is natural for people to communicate well with people who have the same communication
styles as they do. You can also learn to improve your communication with people who use styles
different from yours, however, and this can enhance your effectiveness in many different
situations. The first step is recognizing the basic parameters of communication style. The book,
Personal Styles and Effective Performance by David Merrily and Roger Reid, proposes one
useful model for understanding how people communicate.

The model includes four basic types: the driver, the analytic, the amiable, and the expressive.
Most people have some elements of several types, with one more prominent than the others.
People tend get along well with others of their own type and one or two compatible types,
whereas some combinations clash. Being able to identify the types allows you to use appropriate
methods to minimize clash.

The concept behind the categories is that people differ on two scales: whether they emphasize
tasks or people more, and whether they usually ask questions or make statements. Where you
fall along those two axes determines your communication style, as the diagram below illustrates.
People who tend to focus on tasks and on telling thus are Drivers, while task-oriented people
who focus on asking are analyticals. No type is necessarily better than another, they are just
different.

Now that you have the basic framework for understanding communication styles, read the basic
descriptions and ways to communicate with each type on this page, which is geared toward one-
to-one presentations. Then read this page, which was written for professional counselors, paying
attention to the chart showing how to recognize the different types. Finally, take this interactive
quiz on the four types of communication styles to see how well you would be able to recognize
them.

As we indicated above, culture also plays an important role in communication. The same
behavior can send different messages in different cultural contexts. In our global society, we
often come into contact with people of different cultural backgrounds, and it is entirely possible
that you and your faculty partner may have different backgrounds. The first thing to realize is
that your assumptions about how to communicate with others may not be universal. Downcast
eyes, for instance, might signal something very different to your faculty partner than they do to
you. To maximize communication, look for signals that your message is not being received as
you intend, and the converse.

Moreover, you should be aware of the preconceived ideas about other cultures that you may be
bringing to the interaction. Quite often, assumptions that are taken as statements of obvious truth
are actually based on incorrect, incomplete, or over-generalized information. Being aware of
your assumptions can help you notice whether you are viewing someone as a person with
individual characteristics or as a generalized representative of a group. Read the article on
Understanding the communication styles of an ethnically diverse work force, from High
Technology Careers Magazine to see examples of cross-cultural communication, and
miscommunication, in action. (Note: That page has disappeared from the web since the
publication of the binder materials.)

Gender can also play a role in shaping the ways in which we interact with each other. This is
made more complicated when combined with cross-cultural communication, because various
cultures have different ideas about the proper ways for men and women to behave.

Once you have sensitized yourself to the implications of cultural differences, you can begin to
appreciate the rich variety that our multi-cultural world offers us.

Dealing with difficult people:

So far we have talked about how to identify types of people from a positive perspective in order
to enhance communication. What about dealing with people whose personal styles create
problems? In this part of the module, we will look at types of difficult people, and identify some
strategies for responding to them effectively.

First, read this description of the main types of difficult people and how to deal with them.
Then think about people you have encountered in your life. Have you ever met a bulldozer? A
clam? How about a balloon, or other type? What kinds of interaction did you have with them?
How might you have handled the situation differently if you had read the article first? Finally,
consider your own behavior. No one is perfect all the time. When you are at your worst, which
type are you most likely to resemble? Think about ways that you can respond constructively to
difficult people when you encounter them, and ways you can avoid becoming a difficult person
yourself.

Faculty members are human, just like anyone else. Some are very easy to get along with, while
others may have more challenging personality traits. Your communication with your faculty
partner, not to mention with friends, colleagues, and family members, is sure to go more
smoothly when you are aware of ways to handle difficult people.

Assertiveness:

Because you are a student and your partners will be faculty members, it is possible that a special
dynamic with relationship to power may come into play. Instructors are accustomed to being in
a position of power in relation to students. Either they are the authorities teaching students in
class, or they are the bosses directing student assistants in whatever work needs to be done.
Student assistants are in a clearly subordinate position relative to their faculty supervisors. They
should do whatever the faculty member tells them to do. Your position as partner is somewhat
different, however. You and your faculty partner will work as a team, trying to achieve a
common goal: the improvement of teaching through technology. You and your faculty partner
have different, and complementary, strengths but an essentially equal position in the partnership.
This may mean that you have to be assertive at times.

First, consider the boundaries of the kind of work you will do in your role as student partner. It
is not up to you to do all the production work for the faculty member. Your primary role is
teaching and facilitating, so when you work with your partner on production work, teach as you
work together on the project. You are not expected to do "grunt work." Some parts of any
project are tedious, but you are not expected to do only mindless, menial tasks. This may be
hard for your partner to understand, because ordinary student assistants are, indeed, expected to
do whatever their faculty supervisors want them to do, even mundane clerical duties. Your job
here is to serve as a bridge, not a drudge, using your greater knowledge of technology to
empower your faculty partner in his or her own teaching and research. Remember that your
teaching mission is primary.

It is also possible that the scope of your project may increase as time goes on. To a certain
extent, this is normal, but in some cases you may find that so many additional tasks and
components are added that you don't have enough time to do them all. Your studies do come
first, and we only expect you to work a certain number of hours on your ET Partners projects.
That means, you should not agree to take on extra tasks if they extend beyond your allotted time.

Finally, your faculty partner may have an unrealistic idea of what can be done with technology,
or how much time will be required to implement solutions. Your faculty partner's participation
in this project means that he or she is still learning the technology, so sometimes you may need
to gently remind him or her of the realistic constraints on your joint project. Avoid the
temptation to promise more than is realistic, otherwise your partner may justifiably become
angry when you are unable to deliver.

Thus, you should be prepared to refuse certain kinds of requests. A gentle and tactful, yet firm,
approach is usually the most effective tactic. This is what is meant by assertiveness.
Assertiveness can be contrasted with two less effective tactics: being passive and being
aggressive. Sometimes people confuse being aggressive with being assertive. The essential
difference is that being assertive is an attitude that demonstrates both self-respect and respect for
others, while being aggressive demonstrates little respect for others. Passivity, on the other hand,
demonstrates little respect for yourself. Look at the chart on this page about communication
styles, contrasting the three types of behavior (you can skip the assertiveness quiz and go right to
the comparison chart). Think about your own behavior. Do you ever do anything that expresses
passivity? Aggression? Are there ways you can change your behavior to send a more positive
message?

Now read the Assertiveness tip sheet from Tufts University to see how you can handle such
situations competently and with confidence.

In Your Perfect Right, Robert E. Alberti and Michael L. Emmons make the following points.
Some people are afraid to be assertive because they feel that refusing a request will result in
rejection by others. They may not want to seem confrontational. Moreover, being asked to do
things might make them feel important, even when the tasks are excessive. People might feel
that if they say "no" to a supervisor, they won't advance their careers.

We would like to add that this is often true of students, who may be particularly afraid of
speaking up to instructors. Of course you should always be respectful and polite, but in this
program, the two of you are partners. This is your chance to interact on a different level with our
faculty.

Here are some guidelines for refusing a request gently, yet effectively, drawn from Your Perfect
Right.

• Review your priorities. Consider how your faculty partner's request fits
with the overall project and the program. Does it fall outside of the scope of
your work?
• Determine who is best to do the job. Is this a task that should be
referred to Mediaworks experts or some other campus division? Is it
something more suitable for a student assistant than a student partner?
• Work out your strategy and act right away, once you have determined to
refuse the request. Delaying only makes it harder to refuse.
• Offer your faculty partner alternatives for getting the job done. This
may mean referring the task to others or doing the task differently. Rather
than saying that the job can't be done, this way you are merely suggesting
other avenues for accomplishing the task.
• Offer partial, rather than full, support of the task. If the scope of the
task does fit your role as student partner but the task is too large for you to
do alone, consider whether you might shift some duties to others. Perhaps
you can contribute your technical knowledge while a regular student
assistant does the repetitive clerical aspects of the job.
• Keep in mind that, as long as you do it in a friendly way, refusing a request
doesn't have to result in rejection. Moreover, accepting an
unreasonable request doesn't necessarily make you popular.

You don't need to be defensive about refusing an unrealistic request. If you do so early enough,
there is no need to be angry about it, either. Be reasonable and friendly, yet firm when
appropriate. These tactics will serve you well in all areas of life.

Finally, we would like to stress that if you encounter any problem or you are unsure about the
requests your faculty partner is making, speak to the program manager as soon as possible. The
ET Partners program has a support system built in for you. You don't need to handle difficult
situations alone.

Required reading:

• description of the four types of communication styles in terms of

presentations, based on Personal Styles and Effective Performance by David
Merrily and Roger Reid. This short introduction is a good place to start.
• the four types of communicators, explaining how to adapt to each of them
 • four types of communicators, with a chart showing how to recognize
them, an article written for professional counselors
• Understanding the communication styles of an ethnically diverse
work force, an article in High Technology Careers Magazine Note: This page
has disappeared from the web since the publication of the binder materials.
• Dealing with difficult people
• Communication styles, contrasting passive, assertive, and aggressive
behavior (skip the assertiveness quiz, go right to the comparison chart)
• Assertiveness tip sheet from Tufts University
• Communication styles: assertiveness quiz
• Toward a More Perfect Union in an Age of Diversity: communication
challenges
• Active listening techniques for journalists
• The CARESS model of active listening skills for leaders by Tony Alessandra

Reference links:

• Take this quick listening skills evaluation

• Good listening skills emphasizing face-to-face responses
• Cross-Cultural Communication pages on the Northwest Regional Educational
Laboratory site:
1. Discovering other cultures
2. Culture, communication and language
3. Using cross-cultural communication to improve relationships
• interactive quiz on the four types of communication styles

@ http://etpartners.ucdavis.edu/binder/42_people.htm