The Sacred Space of Christmas

About 7 years ago I opened my home to a tiny group of women who wanted
to spend a few minutes each week pausing from the duties and responsibilities of
life. We named ourselves “Pause.” We decided that while we paused, we would
examine issues, problems, topics, joys, struggles, and triumphs, all through a
Christian lens, but we’d never pressure each other to align as a group in our beliefs
or perspectives. Rather, we would spend the time together listening, learning, and
growing during our pausing. Although we always spend a fair amount of time
talking about – or venting about – issues we have with parenting, marriage, our own
parents, or our friends, we attempt always to bring our focus back to ourselves. This
is a time for us to lay down the entire buffer that is constantly around us. The stuff
that takes up our time and attention, but doesn’t exactly define who we are.

When it comes to our relationship with the Divine, with our God, it’s just us. In a
spiritual sense, we are alone. I don’t mean to diminish the importance and need for
community. We feel God’s love in the presence of others so strongly. Some of our
efforts at Pause are to bolster this sense and support each other. When we turn the
conversations inward for quiet reflection, we discover a place that doesn’t get very
much attention in a busy life.

The busy-ness of life is the framework around me. There is so much floating around
the core of who I am: relationships, events, calendaring, working, loving, giving,
living, waking up, going to sleep, trying to do the right thing, trying to forgive myself
for having done the wrong thing, and all the while, juggling, juggling, juggling….

Our identities as women are made up in part by who we married or didn’t marry,
whether we had children and who they turned out to be, the city we chose to live in,
the city we were raised in, the friends we choose to hang around, the home we
found, or are still looking for, what kind of work we choose to do, what kinds of
vacations we have – this is what I call the framework of our lives. But inside each of
us is a little light, a little spark, a little touch of ourselves that would remain the
same no matter what kind of framework was built around it. This is the place that
does not get enough attention, or examination. This is the place we seek out at
Pause.

There is so much rich joy, self-discovery, character enhancing and defining

moments, stretching, achieving, and growing that happens in the framework of my
life. But in the core of all of it, is my heart, my soul… my bare self. And it is that
place that can sometimes get overlooked and ignored.

I have a mental image I pull up. It’s a black and white photo of myself (at some
younger more beautiful, indeterminate age) and I am kneeling in a rather
surrendered, prayerful pose, with a light shining down from above illuminating a
glowing circle around me. It’s just me there, with my God, and in that picture I am
receiving all the love, direction, mercy, grace, forgiveness and guidance my heart
seeks. The framework of my life is there too, floating around me in the darkness
outside the circle of light, and is the context I exit in order to enter that sacred space
of my relationship with God.

Although I can look back over the years and see individuals who helped me find that
sacred space (and lots who seemed determined to keep it hidden from me) I do not
take them into that space with me. Even people whom I love with desperate passion
and loyalty do not follow me in. Although there are events that occurred that helped
me find it, and helped me maintain it, those events are long past and do not hang out
with me in that space.

In that space it’s just my God and me.

Christmastime is coming soon and there is no other time of year that better
represents this picture of framework and sacred space. Talk about busy-ness!
There is a HUGE framework surrounding a single event.

Let’s examine the framework for a minute:

Decorations:

Many of us take time to add holiday decorations to our home. I was thinking
yesterday, “What an odd tradition! We cut down a tree that has taken at least 10
years to grow, keep it indoors for a month or so and then leave it on a street corner
to be picked up. At any other time of the year this would make absolutely no sense!
Would I cut down a blossoming plum tree in the spring?” No, but somehow at
Christmastime it all seems fine. In addition to hauling a large beautiful tree in from
the outside, I also love to make Christmas wreaths. My children and I have a
tradition of driving about an hour away from the city and spending the day at a
Christmas tree farm where there are wreath-making tables. The kids grab baskets,
clippers and gardening gloves and collect clippings from all sorts of evergreens and
bring them to me to add to the wreaths. Early in the morning before we leave the
city my husband clips red berries from the presidio and brings them all the way
down there for me to include in the wreaths. Although the whole family gets on
board with it, I know it’s really me who wants to do it. Not only do I love the feeling
of making and crafting, I love to arrive home on cold dark December nights and see
the wreaths waiting for me.

I asked a few friends to name aspects of the holiday that they look forward to, and
boy oh boy did food show up in so many responses! I’ll share some of the responses
I received beginning with the ones about food.

Cooking, baking and eating:

I look forward to getting together with my 4 best friends and our 10 teenage
daughters and doing a cookie-baking afternoon. We have done this together since the
oldest were 3 years old and this year they are all seniors in high school!!!...Could be our
last year as a complete group-the 5 oldest will all be in college next year. Will try to
keep planning it for when they are all home!

My Grandmother has been gone for many years, but every Autumn I still pine for her.
The way I cherish her memory and bring her back close to me is this: I make and serve
the Christmas comfort foods she made and served me as child. My senses become
overwhelmed. Through touch, the act of baking takes me right back to the kitchen
when I was young and never knew sickness, pain or death. When bake, I gaze at the
presentation on the plate. Through sight, my eyes are filled with the memories of
receiving the same through the mail when the miles were too far and the years too
many for her to make the trip to be together in person. And when I open my mouth
and take a bite, I savor the memory to the fullest. Time disappears, and the taste is the
same for me as it was over fifty years ago.

I love making Christmas cookies!  I love to be 'creative' and work with my hands; I love
eating them, and most of all, I love being able to give something that I've made to
others at the holidays.

On Christmas Eve, we celebrate with the whole family and one of our favorite
traditions is for Christmas Eve dessert we have chocolate mousse and in one of the
mousse's there is a nut.  We are allowed to trade our mousse prior to eating it - if the
other person agrees and after everyone finishes eating their mousse there is one
person that has gotten a nut in his or her mousse and then they reveal themselves and
are awarded the Nut Prize.  It is always a big deal as to who will get the nut and
ultimately the Nut Prize.  

Music:

I start listening to holiday music the day after Thanksgiving and never get sick of it.
No matter how silly some of the songs are, or how many times they repeat themselves,
I can take it in every day for the entire season. It’s something that is all around me – in
stores, elevators, church, my home, my car, and even in TV commercials.

Weather:

Just about every Christmas for me has been in the northeast where it is traditionally
cold. I never realized how tied to Christmas the weather was in my mind until I spent a
Christmas in South Africa one year. During our outdoor Christmas meal the melodious
trilling of swooping tropical birds serenaded us. Shirtsleeves and suntans did not
equate Christmas to me at all, and I felt cheated out of my holiday. Many Christmases
have come and gone since then and I'm OK with wherever and whatever, but that first
warm Christmas took me by surprise.

The Nutcracker:
Every year I take all of my daughters to see the Nutcracker. We usually get cheap
seats, but we still look forward to the tradition of being together.

Shopping:

I love shopping and Christmastime is the perfect time to justify my habit! I shop for
deals. I get up early on black Friday and stand in the cold. I bring a list of all my family
members. I check deals on line first. Sometimes I buy too much by accident and return
some of it. I just love the retail frenzy that is around me in the malls.

Wrapping:

I can remember helping my Mom wrap presents when I was young. If the presents
were for me she would put them in a box and then hand them to me. We’d use the
same wrapping paper for all of the presents from our family. And we’d write the name
of the person on the paper with a black sharpie. I knew other families used expensive
ribbons, gift tags and different paper for each person, but I always loved the simplicity
of our way. Now that I am grown up I wrap the same way. I do it all at one time with
one roll of paper and one black sharpie.

Picture Taking:

A friend and I are thinking of making a documentary movie on families getting their
Christmas card photos done. There seems to be so much angst and anxiety in the
whole process. We are all trying to capture our families at their best and send the
image that we are bright, shiny, and sparkly out to the world. Once my friend went to
a holiday party in early December. The host was a photographer and the
entertainment of the party was that you could bring a roll of film and one family after
another would go down to his studio and he would shoot the roll of film for you and
your family. You’d have so many great pictures to choose from. They were so
disappointed the year he stopped hosting the party.

I obsess about the Christmas card photo and insist that we take it before Halloween. I
make my kids get all dressed up in some combination of green and red and head down
to the beach after school. Over the years they have hated it. Nothing draws more
attention on crissy field beach than two adorable dressed up children. I know that in
years to come it will be something they roll their eye about and say to each other “can
you believe she made us do that?” But, then they’ll see the beautiful cards and thank
me. At least I hope that is what happens.

Lights and Atmosphere:

I think it is the atmosphere that I look forward to the most - of sounds and smells. And
darkness.  When I was little, we often played outside in the snow until well after dark
and then came back into the light and warmth.  Perhaps the most special event of my
childhood year was the Christmas Eve party we had with family friends.  And I
remember many years of it in terms of dark and light, approaching their house in the
dark, and often the snow, coming into the light of the house, sharing a special dinner,
always ice cream sundaes for dessert and then hours of parlor games.  Then back out
into the cold and dark setting off for home.   So, I associate Christmas with being
outside in dark where it is cold and it smells of wood burning in fireplaces, then
coming inside where it is warm and there are smells of spices and baking and the
sound of carols. 

Gift Giving:

I love buying new pjs for my boys ranging from Gap red and green sleepwear to
Chinatown silky festive outfits

Our family has a Christmas tradition that we have been doing for over 15 years. 
About 12 adults (both family and friends) and about 10 children pull names from a hat
each year.  The adults get a budget of $100.00 for the person they pick but they must
fulfill the following categories for their person:
1) Gift for the house (kitchen stuff, decoration, etc.)
2) Personal gift (clothing, jewelry, book, etc.)
3) Something to eat.
4) Something the gift giver doesn't want anymore (white elephant - bad tie, re-gift of
something, etc.)
5) The gift giver has to write a poem or sing a song for the person they picked.
The children get a budget of $50.00 and they have to buy a gift, make something for
their person and write a poem or sing a song for their person.
Naturally, the poem/song requirement has been tons of fun and we have great
memories of all the good and bad poems/ songs. 

My husband comes from a large family with LOTS of young children. When the whole
crowd is gathered there are often around 50 people in attendance. All the children
who are still in school sit on the floor with their pile of presents and the adults sit in a
circle around them in the room. We start with the youngest children and each takes a
turn opening all their gifts at once. Once we hit about age 7 they each open one and
then the next oldest opens one and on and on we move around the kids on the floor
until they have no more to open. It takes hours, but each child gets the eyes of fifty
people on them as they open and they can find the person in the room to say thank you
and give a hug. Once all the kids are done they go play in the snow and the adults
quickly open the small tokens we have exchanged.

Advent:

I love the adventurous indulgence of advent: being catholic and celebrating advent I
take the weeks prior to Christmas as my own personal, Holy gestation time for giving
birth to new goodness and potential in my life, the life of my family and the life of my
loved ones.
Christmas Eve Mass:

I love going to Christmas Eve Mass at Saint Ignatius Church. We see people we have
not seen all year, everyone is in a cute outfit, and the church is decorated so
beautifully. We are all wishing for peace on earth and love between our brethren –
Christmas Eve Mass catches us all at our best.

Being with Family:

I love to go looking at the lights on Christmas Eve. I take my girls and invite a friend or
two; then we tool around town while listening to Christmas music on the radio. It gives
me an opportunity to have really uninterrupted private time to reconnect with them.
We start right after dinner and go until we're done. It is something very special to us.
We talk about Jesus and Santa and "A Christmas Carol" among many topics :)

I love to sit drinking coffee, watching my children waking up on Christmas morning

having all slept in the living room together, snuggled on the floor in front of the fire.

Note that in the framework might also exist some sadness. One honest friend wrote:

I don't know if I look forward to any of it!  I love seeing family, being with family, but I
feel like the whole thing is a bit stressful and pressured.  Makes me realize that I would
find more joy in this season if I just took a moment to stop and bask in the wonder of it
all.

There are likely memories of not-so-fun holidays of years’ past, of anxiety about
being around family members who are difficult or who have caused you harm, of not
having enough money to keep up with the gift giving of those around you, of sharing
custody of children and contemplating a Christmas without them, of realizing this
might be the last year of an intact family before a divorce, or the final year
celebrating in a particular house before the bank forecloses, or celebrating without
family members who have passed on, or who have quarreled with you so severely
that they will not be joining you this time around. There are so many ways the
holiday can bring up heartache and pain. Yes, the framework doesn’t discriminate
between happy and sad. It just bring it all to us.

Your framework is unique and might look very different from any of the memories
shared here. It’s fun to hear what makes up someone else’s holiday framework, but
it’s more useful to know what makes up our own.

Now that we have described some of the framework, let’s talk about the sacred
space…. Imagine a silver round tray. Every time you identify something in your
framework – something that is there with you each Christmas season – imagine a
ribbon extending from the perimeter of the tray. After a few minutes of reflection
you may have 10 or even 20 ribbons extending from the edge of the tray. Because
the tray is round, the ribbons extend in every direction out into your room. But the
center of the tray is empty. Like the black and white image I carry in my head,
imagine yourself, alone. Alone with the celebration of Christmas. The framework is
floating around you like these imaginary ribbons. The framework is definitely there,
but there is a distance between you and it. There is a space for just you. This is your
sacred space.

Imagine in the center of the silver tray sits a burning candle. The candle is you, in
the center of the tray, separated from the floating framework of ribbons. The real
you.

Imagine yourself sitting in the center, in your light filled sacred space. I cannot go
into that space with you, and neither can all the people who love you. That journey
is for you to take, and for you to encourage others to take. We all have a role in
helping each other arrive there, but we each enter that space alone.

Before Christmas is upon you, and before the framework of the holiday threatens to
take over, sit still for a moment and ponder your own sacred space of Christmas.
Join me in asking, “What is Christmas to me? When I am alone with the Christmas
holiday -- all that it means and all that it could mean -- what is there for me?