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by Dr. Gudrun Frerichs

People derive a sense of self and identity through interactions with others who give recognition and
approval to a person's abilities and accomplishments. How does that work? As children grow up, they are
dependent on 'significant others' for forming of a positive sense of self.

Children need the experiences of a 'human hothouse'. When they are cared for, supported, encouraged,
respected, appreciated, and appropriately challenged, children develop the ability to identify, interpret,
and realise their needs and desires. This will allow them to become autonomous and self-actualised
grown-ups who have self-confidence, self-respect, and self-esteem.

The 'human hothouse' is a metaphor for conditions of protection, ideal (emotional) temperature that is
not too hot and not too cold, of shelter from rough storms of life, and of nutritional circumstances that
take the changing needs of the child into consideration.

Through experience of this sort the child comes to understand him/herself as being worthy of love, care,
protection, consideration, appreciation, and respect. It is able to form a positive sense of Identity and can
say "I am OK".

What happens when the 'hothouse' conditions are not given? We'll see struggle in the child, the
adolescent and later on in the adult. What will the struggle look like? Difficulty relating, difficulty being
independent, difficulty grasping a strong sense of self!

Human integrity is closely linked with patterns of approval and recognition because once wrongly treated
by others, people feel insulted or humiliated. Such injustice not only harms or restricts individual freedom
but also causes feelings of shame, rage, hurt, or indignation. As a result people are harmed in their
positive sense of self and their self development which is only possible through positive interactions with
others.

Under most severe circumstances such as rape, torture, assault, discrimination, or marginalization a
person's identity could even be brought to the point of collapse. You'll end up with people with severe
psychiatric disturbances, acute suicidal people, or people who get stuck in the social sidelines through
gambling, drug abuse, or criminal activities.

What has been found, thought, is that even when childhood circumstances did not support the
development of a positive sense of identity, people can 'fill up' on the good stuff later on. That can take
place in loving relationships, in self-improvement courses, or through therapy. As they say: Its never too
late to have a happy childhood.

      
  




Even winners need confidence tips to be at their best. And some good confidence tips are often all you
need to keep on track when you need some inspiration.

When you find the right confidence tips for your life and apply these simple yet profound confidence tips
the quality of you life can change in a moment.

Here are seven confidence tips for your enjoyment...

 
  
 
   

Their energy and inner strength is so inspiring that you will find yourself feeling more empowered just by
listening to them talk.
And you can get confidence tips from them. All you need to do is ask! Even one good confidence tip could
point you in a whole new direction you would not have otherwise considered.

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Nearly all successful people have a mentor. You too need someone who has already done what you are
working to achieve who is willing to advise you and offer confidence tips.

This person will help you to succeed even more quickly than you can imagine. Remember, two minds are
better than one.

When you have someone who believes in you and you have a plan you believe in -- your confidence will
soar. The confidence tips you learn will make all the difference.

  
 
  

  


This is one of those unusual confidence tips but still very useful.

Have you ever felt confident? If you have ever felt confident in any situation then you can feel confident
again in the future.

How? By re-accessing that confident feeling. This is something that is worth doing every day. Spend 15
minutes a day reliving occasions in your life when you felt confident. Imagine it all in rich detail and pay
very close attention to the feelings of confidence.

After only a few days, feeling confident will become a good habit. And you will appreciate the value of
these confidence tips.

!"

  

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Becoming aware of why you can be confident will help you get back on track. Make a list of at least 50
reasons why you can be confident today. Include previous successes, your skills and qualities, your
support network and your goals. Put down everything that pops into your mind.

After you have done this you will have tapped into the power of consistency. You will be under pressure
to be consistent with your own logic that stated you can be confident.

Again, using confidence tips like this is the only way to see how powerful they are - thinking about it will
make no difference.

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Tell someone whose opinion you value that you will be confident at a particular event. Your desire to
impress this person will cause you to do all that you can to be at your very best.

And when you demand more of yourself you will be amazed at what you can do. You will start finding
solutions to problems that left you stuck and you will seek advice from people who can help you.

This will force you to get moving, only then will the other confidence tips make complete sense.

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Have you ever watched a top sportsperson in action and wondered to yourself at how easy she makes it
look? Or
listened to your favorite music CD and felt inspired by the talent of the singer?

These performers live these confidence tips.

 Think. How did these superstars get to the top? Practice, practice and more practice. I read an article
about Pavarotti, the opera singer, and he said he practices daily and he still learns something new about
his voice each day!

When you spend more time honing your skills your confidence will soar because you will know with
certainty that you can and will perform when the curtain goes up.

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Compare your progress in life with your previous results. Look to the success of others to learn and not
to measure your own success.

When you put your focus on the daily improvement of your own skills and abilities you can and will grow
very quickly. And your confidence will surge. You will be a living example of the power of these simple
confidence tips.

Confidence without competence is a dangerous combination.

Make it easy for yourself and only engage in self-comparison when you are assessing your progress. By
doing this you will make it easier to keep at it when the going gets tough and your competence will grow
day by day.

Now, reading these confidence tips may may you feel better but remember you really need to use these
confidence tips to see results so go and use these confidence tips right away!

(
) 
 *

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other one thing.

Then, without realizing it, you try to improve yourself at the start of each new day; of course, you
achieve quite a lot in the course of time. Anyone can do this, it costs nothing and is certainly very helpful.
Whoever doesn't know it must learn and find by experience that a quiet conscience makes one strong.

If we value independence, if we are disturbed by the growing conformity of knowledge, of values, of

attitudes, which our present system induces, then we may wish to set up conditions of learning which
make for uniqueness, for self-direction, and for self-initiated learning.

To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must
first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must
first set our hearts right.

The remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbor as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto
ourselves. We hate others when we hate ourselves. We are tolerant toward others when we tolerate
ourselves. We forgive others when we forgive ourselves. We are prone to sacrifice others when we are
ready to sacrifice ourselves.

The basic thing is that everyone wants happiness, no one wants suffering. And happiness mainly comes
from our own attitude, rather than from external factors. If your own mental attitude is correct, even if
you remain in a hostile atmosphere, you feel happy.

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we
do not see the one which has been opened for us.
The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable,
unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to
step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers

     

 
+



What are you thinking - right now? "I'm reading your article!" you say. Well, take a little bit of a closer
look. What's spinning in the back of your mind? Is it that big deadline that's looming at the end of the
week? Or how you're going to deal with your mother-in-law this weekend? Or maybe you're worrying
about your finances?

Are you even aware of the thoughts going through your head right now? What about... now?

Some Bad News From the Thought Police Scientists estimate that an average person will think at a rate
of roughly between 1 and 4 thoughts per second while awake. That's well over 60,000 thoughts during a
typical day! And, of all this jabbering going on in your head, it's estimated that you've thought over 95%
of your thoughts before. So, not only is your mind generally on a constant hamster wheel, but it's also
doing this spinning continuously, unproductively - and unoriginally.

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Enough bad news? Ok - now here's the other side of the story. You have within you the greatest,
simplest, and most powerful tool imaginable. It can lead you to great prosperity, joy, and fulfillment - or
it can drop you instantly into the depths of despair and negativity.

No, I'm not talking simply about the power of thought - not even a fraction of those thousands of stale,
repeat thoughts running through your head right now will be of much use to you. (Trust me; nope, not
even the one wondering for the tenth time whether you turned the stove off this morning). But what is
powerful is where you put your attention within all this clatter.

Mr. Webster Says:

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". So how does
that apply to you? "Concentration of the mental powers" - all too often, we give away the concentration
part of our attention to things utterly undeserving. Thoughts of worry, negative predictions, minor
irritations, and daily minutiae are hardly productive, and take up too much room in your head.

And this leaves very little space for the second, critical, aspect of attention: "a close or careful observing
or listening". We, as a culture, don't like to sit back and listen. We prefer to be constantly inundated with
forceful messages which grab our attention and don't let go. We too often forget to sit back and actually
listen to the small voice of intuition. You know, the one that already has the answers that we're trying so
hard to figure out.

/ 

Give it a shot. Really. Stop for a minute, and focus actively on your thoughts - concentrate. What are you
thinking? You know, that quiet and incessant little buzz behind your eyes; that unsettled feeling - what's
behind that? Now shift your attention to listening, see if there's a message waiting for you. Just below the
surface, what is it saying? Listen... You're now learning to distinguish the noise of your mind from the
voice of your intuition, your inner knowing - all through the tool of attention.

)  / )  

 There's huge power in putting your attention actively on your thoughts. This helps you to separate the
you from the thought. You are not your thoughts, you are having thoughts, they are passing through
your head. You are bigger than your thoughts, and you can choose whether or not you want to give them
power. And you do this by either giving them your attention, or by allowing them to just float on by.

˜ ˜ 

And it's not just thoughts that you can focus your attention on. As cognitive psychologists and holistic
healers have known for years, emotions and thoughts are deeply intertwined. One influences the other,
and both influence your physical biochemistry. So learning to actively focus your attention on the
thoughts and feelings you want, while letting go of those you don't want, could be the best thing you'll
ever do for your health, your well being, and your happiness.

01 

"Great", you may say. "But it isn't so easy to catch my thoughts and feelings, or to do something about
them. I don't even know how I feel half of the time, and the thoughts go by so quickly!" Fear not - here's
are a few simple exercises.

) ( 

One way to "catch" your fleeting thoughts and feelings and to focus your attention on them is to "use
your words". Just like a parent may tell an unruly and whining child who is about to pick a fight to "use
your words" to explain what's bothering him, so can you gently nudge yourself to discipline. This may
seem silly, but it's remarkably powerful. Write down or speak out loud (or into a tape recorder) exactly
what the thoughts and feelings are. Articulating them clearly gives them shape and focus, and allows you
much more freedom to act in a way that supports your growth.

&
 


Now, as for how to manage the spinning and repeating thoughts, here's a very simple and effective trick.
Just like a parent knows not to take everything their child says too seriously, you can also learn to
distinguish helpful thoughts and feelings from destructive ones. You can simply tell your thinker - "thanks
for sharing. I will take your comments under advisement. Now, please move along".

 (*

So how does all this relate to helping you find "what's next", or guiding you to "a you-er you"? Very
directly, actually. If you practice putting your direct attention on the jabbering of your mind, articulating
those slippery thoughts, and consciously and purposefully telling them "thanks for sharing!" and then
purposefully re-focusing your attention where YOU choose, you will begin to create the space for your
true inner voice to come through.

  
2

Now it's your turn. Take a couple of minutes and try these exercises. Really. Try it now. You never know -
hey, what's next...?


  

  
 Try the exercise in the "Try it Now" section above. Really.

ß
  
 Get over feeling silly, and actually write down what your thoughts are. Try
speaking, try using a tape recorder. Experiment. Notice which thoughts show up over and over. Note
your top 5 - make friends with them, and thank them profusely for sharing. And remember - attention is
power. What thoughts are you giving your power to?


 


 Once you become aware of the thoughts going through your head, you can
 begin to make choices. For example: "Hm, I've been thinking a lot about how unhappy I am in my job.
Thanks for sharing. Duly noted. I think I'll choose to focus my attention elsewhere right now, thanks."

P.S. So - what are you thinking... now?

!
 2 set aside 5 (just five!) minutes every day to just BE. No distractions, no thoughts, no
worries, no to-do lists. After a week or two, see what you got from this experience.

 0  

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other one thing.

Then, without realizing it, you try to improve yourself at the start of each new day; of course, you
achieve quite a lot in the course of time. Anyone can do this, it costs nothing and is certainly very helpful.
Whoever doesn't know it must learn and find by experience that a quiet conscience makes one strong.

If we value independence, if we are disturbed by the growing conformity of knowledge, of values, of

attitudes, which our present system induces, then we may wish to set up conditions of learning which
make for uniqueness, for self-direction, and for self-initiated learning.

To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must
first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must
first set our hearts right.

The remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbor as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto
ourselves. We hate others when we hate ourselves. We are tolerant toward others when we tolerate
ourselves. We forgive others when we forgive ourselves. We are prone to sacrifice others when we are
ready to sacrifice ourselves.

The basic thing is that everyone wants happiness, no one wants suffering. And happiness mainly comes
from our own attitude, rather than from external factors. If your own mental attitude is correct, even if
you remain in a hostile atmosphere, you feel happy.

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we
do not see the one which has been opened for us.

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable,
unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to
step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.

If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of
it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we
are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

There is no beautifier of complexion, or form, or behavior, like the wish to scatter joy and not pain
around us. 'Tis good to give a stranger a meal, or a night's lodging. 'Tis better to be hospitable to his
good meaning and thought, and give courage to a companion. We must be as courteous to a man as we
are to a picture, which we are willing to give the advantage of a good light.

Life is a train of moods like a string of beads; and as we pass through them they prove to be many
colored lenses, which paint the world their own hue, and each shows us only what lies in its own focus.
 Peace is not the absence of war; it is a virtue; a state of mind; a disposition for benevolence; confidence;
and justice.

We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting
others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer
sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -
- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.

 0
 

When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less
important whether I am afraid.

Nothing is so strong as gentleness. Nothing is so gentle as real strength.

The labor movement is organized upon a principle that the strong shall help the weak. The strength of a
strong man is a prideful thing, but the unfortunate thing in life is that strong men do not remain strong.

And it is just as true of unions and labor organizations as is true of men and individuals. And whereas
today the craft unions of this country may be able to stand upon their own feet and like mighty oaks
stand before the gale, defy the lightning, yet the day may come when those organizations will not be able
to withstand the lightning and the gale.

Now, prepare yourselves by making a contribution to your less fortunate brethren... Organize the
unorganized!

Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal: my strength lies solely in my tenacity.

If your heart acquires strength, you will be able to remove blemishes from others without thinking evil of
them. The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

I am comforted by life's stability, by earth's unchangeableness. What has seemed new and frightening
assumes its place in the unfolding of knowledge. It is good to know our universe. What is new is only new
to us.

Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves of strength that will endure as long as life
lasts.

All too often arrogance accompanies strength, and we must never assume that justice is on the side of
the strong. The use of power must always be accompanied by moral choice

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