Good VS.

Evil

Both good and evil are spread across the world influentially.
No child is ever born good or evil.
The human mind evolves from what it sees and hears.
Children will learn to judge right from wrong based on what you preach them
before they hit teenage.
Someone who has never been loved will not know how to love another.
Someone who has never been respected will not know how to respect others.
Someone who never had the security or guidance of cultures and traditions
will not respect it or value it.
When two people interact, the one with the higher self confidence will
influence the one with the lower self confidence; for the better or worse.
Martial Arts will give you the knowledge you need to maximize your physical
capabilities, enhance your level of thinking, and acquire your spirituality. All
this will increase your self confidence.
That being said, HOW DO YOU PLAN TO INFLUENCE THE WORLD???

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When you have too much to say,
The best thing to say is nothing at all.

What I did not say,

I wrote down.

It was my choice to write,

It is your choice to read.

What is right and wrong often depends on the view

of the person making that judgment.

What I say is not what is right,

But I View.

Antony

2
 My interest to learn martial arts started when I was about 5 years old. I was
going through a burro in my house and I found a magazine with a picture of a man wearing
a yellow suit holding something in his hand. When I questioned the elders in the family
about the magazine, they told me that it belonged to my uncle who was learning karate and
the man on the magazine cover was Bruce Lee who was the best at it. It was only
Shotokan karate that made its way to Sri Lanka and everyone who wanted to learn martial
arts learned it. Like monkey see monkey do, I wanted to do what my uncle was doing; but
my mother said I had to wait till I was older. After that the war started and all of our lives
changed. When my dad sponsored me to come to Canada at the age of nine, I remember
boasting to my cousin that I will be learning karate upon the arrival in Canada. When I
arrived here, me being the only son and my dad being over protective, he never let me join.
Years were passing by and I forgot all about wanting to learn karate.
I had somewhat of a lonely and depressing childhood, as I was getting older there
was an empty feeling that started to grow within me. My parents’ ignorance about my
depression started to irritate me. Like every teenager I started my rebellion with a
cigarette, then added alcohol and marijuana. In grade 12, for one entire year all I did was
get high or get drunk and skip classes. In high school, students group themselves with the
crowd they fit in with. My group just happened to be the gangster type since the other
students did not do the things I was doing. The next year I was given a warning that I was
going to be kicked out of school if my grades did not improve so I started attending
classes. One day when I went to smoke, I met one of my classmates, Mashkar, whom I
now I consider as my brother. I borrowed his lighter and when I cracked a joke about not
giving it back to him, he did something weird to my hand and got me down on one knee
within two seconds. I was amazed! We started talking and I found out that he was
learning kung-fu. I mentioned my interest in martial arts to him and he started teaching me
what he knew. At lunch time, smoke breaks, and whenever we met, all we did was train or
discuss about martial arts. With his influence, I managed to bring my grades up and barely
made it into university.
When I came to Brock, the first task was to search for a place where I can learn
kung-fu, but since there was a karate dojo right across the street from me, I settled for
karate. I lied to my dad that I was doing a fitness program called tai chi to get the monthly
payment off him and I started learning karate. I also started learning ju-jitsu, kobudo, tai
chi, and kendo which was all offered in the same dojo. At the dojo, I associated with some
noble men who served their country as soldiers and police officers. After that my dignity
in the society meant something to me, I could not imagine myself being accused as a man
who was not civilized enough to respect law and order. I quit marijuana and started living
by rules and regulations. This created conflicts between me and those who did not respect
rules and regulations. So I simply stopped associating with them to save me and them the
trouble of getting in a conflict. Even though karate started making a difference in my life,
I was still searching for the perfect style that suited me. One day I made an immature
comment in my ju-jitsu class, a senior classmate said, “It is not the art that makes the artist;
it is the artist that makes the art.” It took me six years to realize that.
The society where I come from does not really encourage arts. It is a society that
believed that education is the only source that will provide a good life for someone. At
that time I was too immature to realize that martial art was also an education. I never saw
myself reaching a level where I will be able to address myself as a martial artist. I just

3
wanted to get the black belt as an achievement and make some memories to be able to look
back and say that I did all this when I was young. I was not that focused in school much
either. Due to my lonely depression, I never really looked far into life. I was enjoying the
temporary escapes by engaging in activities that took worries off my mind. As I was
wasting my time, something new happened in my life; I fell in love. Now that I had
something to look forward to in life, I started studying trying to create a career for myself
and become stabilized in life; but since I enjoyed spending time with her, I started missing
karate classes. I did not stop completely, I was just not that focused as before.
Two years down the road the relationship kind of started falling apart on me and
my grades started to slide again. After another two years, on Wednesday, February 21,
2007 shocking news came to me. I was able to find out the exact date because that is when
I started writing journals again. It seemed that the person I was in love with was trying
hard to get rid of me for the past two years. I being an idiot, who wanted to live my life by
principles and culture, never got the message. “A star that can shine on its own will never
use the dimness of others to make itself look brighter.” So I am not going to go into
details. When I thought back about all the events that took place, my mind went into
shock, causing me to imagine and make assumptions about things. This started creating
conflict between me and my friends. My self-confidence also started fading away. When
you do a job that requires to wear the national flag on your shoulder, you are somewhat
representing the country. I did not want to work as an unconfident security guard. So I
quit my job in Toronto and came to stay full time in St.Catharines. I started exploring
martial arts philosophy and began to write my own philosophies to give me courage. I
tattooed the symbol below as a reminder to myself that I should not degrade myself to get
even with others.
“Bushido, the way of the samurai, grew out of the fusion of Buddhism and Shintoism.
This way can be summarized in seven essential principles:
Gi: the right decision, taken with
equanimity, the right attitude, the truth.
When we must die, we must die. Rectitude.
Yu: bravery tinged with heroism.
Jin: universal love, benevolence toward
mankind; compassion.
Rei: right action--a most essential quality,
courtesy.
Makoto: utter sincerity; truthfulness.
Melyo: honor and glory.
Chugo: devotion, loyalty.

These are the seven principles underlying the spirit of Bushido, Bu--martial
arts; shi--warrior; do--the way.” (From "The Zen Way to the Martial Arts" By
Taisen Deshimaru,Penguin/Arkana, at
http://edtech.suhsd.k12.ca.us/inprogress/act/dfickett/japan/seven.html)

4
 “Yin-Yang represents the ancient Chinese understanding of how things work.
The outer circle represents "everything", while the black and white shapes within the
circle represent the interaction of two energies, called "yin" (black) and "yang"
(white), which cause everything to happen. They are not completely black or white,
just as things in life are not completely black or white, and they cannot exist without
each other. While "yin" would be dark, passive, downward, cold, contracting, and
weak, "yang" would be bright, active, upward, hot, expanding, and strong. The shape
of the yin and yang sections of the symbol, actually gives you a sense of the continual
movement of these two energies, yin to yang and yang to yin, causing everything to
happen: just as things expand and contract, and temperature changes from hot to
cold.” (http://fly.cc.fer.hr/~shlede/ying/yang.html)

The maple leaf in the background was something that I added to the creation. When
people from my birth country saw the tattoo, they accused me as a man who has forgotten
his birth land, and a man who wants to be Canadian, but it is was not really like that. From
what I have found out about Bruce Lee, he took so much pride in addressing him as an
American. It was not because he was ashamed of where he came from; it was because he
appreciated America for what it was. A land where fate did not determine how far we can
go in life, a land where each individual chose the path they wanted to walk on. In most of
the eastern world if you were born poor, you will most likely live and die poor. The
culture of the society often told you how you must live your life. Coming from a land
where human life was nothing more than just numbers, I appreciated the priority Canada
gave for not only human life, but all life. I still remember the time in grade six where my
friend, Theodore was trying to explain me the meaning of, “Freedom of Speech.” He said,
“It is when you can say whatever you want,” and I asked, “Why would I want to say
whatever I want?” Where I came from, if you spoke without thinking, it would not only
cost you your life, but you would also put your loved ones’ life at stake. When I was about
six, there was a day when a truck driver was brutally beat up in front of my house, because
he failed to give way to some rebellious gang that wanted to pass by. I think that the group
was call, “EP”. When my mother heard the cries of the man, she wanted to go out and
reason with those guys; but me being afraid of my mother’s safety, I never let her go. I
held on to her hand so tight that the only way she can move was to drag me on the floor.
After having experienced things like this, I loved this land for what it stood for. They say
that a man should never forget his mother or his mother land. My mother died when I was
9, but my step mom raised me as if I was her own for more than 15 years. When I asked
myself if I should cherish the memory of the dead or honor the one that is alive, honoring
the mother that raised me seemed like the right thing to do. So I never mention the word
step when I address her. That is the same way I felt about my mother land. It is the
environment we live in that makes us who we are. I might be a half breed of two societies
since I still carry the culture from the east; however I have conformed to western ways. It
did not feel right for me to use the resource of one land to enrich myself and show my
patriotism to another. A land without people is nothing more than a waste land and the
land that holds the people that we love is the land that we would like to be in, and that is
the land that we should call home.

5
 When I address myself as a Canadian, I represent no particular race, culture or
religion. These are the three main factors that the human race uses to separate itself.
When an ignorant man came to power and wanted to proudly represent his own race, he
created a spark in Sri Lanka. Now that spark constantly burns like hell itself. Martial art is
my culture. It is not a culture that you have to be born into to be a part of. It is not a
culture that is forced upon you. It is a culture that you can choose to follow if you wish.
Martial art is my religion. It is not a religion that tells you which ideal you must worship.
It simply teaches you the balance of give and take in life.
The tattoo was a guide for me to live by, however it was not stopping what started
happening to me. My mind started to lose focus. If someone asked me a question, I
started to mumble a bunch of things without answering the question. This started to annoy
and irritate many people, causing them to yell at me. I tried to be humorous to ease the
moment, but people were not that forgiving. I did not have any strength to fight back so I
would just let them finish. At this time, I found alcohol and cigarettes as my best friend. I
stopped going to karate classes as well. Just when I thought that I was having the biggest
crisis of life, the time came to pay for my past mistakes. I was kicked out of Brock. My
self-confidence just shattered. At least all these days I had an identity in the society as a
student, but now I was nobody. I was a 24 year old man doing a dead end job that was not
going to take me anywhere. People started commenting and questioning without having a
clue about what was going on in my mind. It is human nature to suppress someone to
make them self feel superior. With barely any self-confidence left in me, I pretty much
became the target. That is when I realized how much a person’s self-confidence can
differentiate the path of their life.
Bruce Lee’s words about self confidence was,
“Life’s battle don’t always go to
The fastest or the strongest
But sooner or later the man
Who wins is the man
Who thinks he can”
I always knew that there were many benefits to martial arts, but I guess I wanted
the benefits without putting the time into it. Now that I had nothing else to do in my life, I
was determined to put the time. I made an entire year of payment at once to make sure that
I always had the place available for me whether I used it or not. The dojo was the only
place where I did not have to worry about being suppressed, because the people who came
there either were looking for hope themselves or striving to become a better person. When
you wish to be a better person, you will try to be as kind, polite, courteous, and helpful as
you can be to others. You will not find pleasure in mocking their pain. When I re-entered
the dojo, I discovered that people who started after me have surpassed me. I had no ego
problem falling in behind in the line up, but I was kind of disappointed in myself that I did
not even accomplish anything in the field that I was passionate about. Even though I
started training, my metal state was still getting worse. The maximum time I was able to
spend at the dojo was about 10 hours per week, but that still left me with too much time
alone. My mind was constantly thinking about where I was going in life, what is the point
of my existence, would it make any difference if I did or did not exist. When we die, it is
not us who suffers; it is those who love and care us that suffer. I always understood the
pain of losing a loved one, so taking a coward’s way out and leaving my parents to suffer

6
was out of the question. I started having a sleeping disorder; I was unable sleep for more
than 4 hours. Whenever I had free time, I drank and smoked to kill time.
As I was finding ways to pass time, something strange started happening to me.
Even when I was not with people who ignorantly commented about me, I started imagining
their voices laughing at me and talking about what kind of a loser I am. I was so ashamed
of where I had ended up that I shaved my head. So that when I looked at myself in the
mirror I would see someone else. If hearing voices was not bad enough, I started having
nightmares about people betraying my trust. This filled my heart with a very hateful anger.
Even after waking up, I remained suspicious thinking if these people were actually capable
of doing such things to me. It felt as if it was better to have many enemies that would
confront me than to accidentally have one friend that might back stab me. I started moving
away from people. My mind became so sensitive that I had to be careful about what I was
watching on television and listened to in music, because if I had watched a horror movie, I
would have to relive it in my dreams. I saw dreams of my loved ones getting hurt and me
being powerless to do anything about it. It filled my heart with so much pain and fear to a
level where I wished that I never had the ability to love anyone. These were things that I
was unable to talk to anyone about so I started writing them down. I wanted to leave
something behind for someone to know what happened to me if the worst was to happen.
Writing allowed me to find temporary relief in believing that someone knew about me.
This is how I managed function somewhat normal around others. My friends now say that
they did notice something different in me, but I do not know to what extent.

“What portrays itself to be good is not always the

good one, and what sometimes seems to exist
among the shadows is actually the good one.”
Antony

My strange time when I started thinking philosophically that I barely now remember.

7
 During that strange time I was becoming very philosophical. One very interesting
philosophy I read was:

Master Kangan pointed to the sea and said to Daichi: “You speak of mind over matter
– then let’s see you stop those boats from sailing.”
Wordlessly the young disciple pulled the shoji screen across their view.
The Master smiled and put the shoji back into position. “You have to use your hands.”
Silently Daichi closed his eyes.
ZEN MONDO

It was after that I decided; whatever bothers me, I can choose not to look. What
irritates me, I can choose not to listen. People can ignorantly question me, but I can
choose not to answer. I started to watch movies where the hero always wins to make
myself believe that good guys never lose. I started listening punk rock music which gave
me the do not care and take it easy attitude. Since it was the disappointment of my
expectations and my inability to fulfill desires that made me suffer, I started watching
cartoons and Disney movies to keep my mind innocent and less desiring. I remember
seeing a movie with two young girls raising a dog in their apartment without their parents
knowing about it. Even though, I knew they would never kill the main character in a
children’s movie, I started having tears come out of my eyes when the dog was stabbed. I
started helping people randomly to make my existence feel more useful. I started keeping
the house clean and cooked for my friends, all to make myself more useful and to pass
time. I even tried to be there for anyone who showed the slightest bit of depression,
because I knew what it was like to have no one. It is funny how people praise you when
you speak in favor of them and disgrace you when you have a different opinion from
theirs. My every intention of helping others back fired on me. That is when I realized
everyone must face their own destiny. I started to focus on my own issues. One night I
went to sleep after drinking and had a nightmare so horrifying that I felt my heartbeat
against my chest when I woke up. It felt as if I almost got killed in my dream. I guess the
alcohol increased my blood pressure. I quit alcohol from that day on, but smoking was
still my solution for the empty feeling that just would not go away.
I had to go and see a student councilor to try to get back into school. I was lucky to
get a hold of a councilor whose husband was a martial artist. This made it easier since she
was able to understand my thoughts. Even at that time my ignorance caused me to ask her,
“What was his style?” I wanted to see if his style sounded superior to mine. Martial art is
knowledge, and the minute you want to isolate yourself to one style, you put a limitation
on how much knowledge you can possess. I never mentioned to the councilor about what
was happening to me, because I knew that the internal battle can only be won by me. After
having an in depth conversation, the councilor asked if I was a Buddhist. She said that my
thoughts sound like it came from Buddhism. I told her that I did not believe in religion and
I tried to live by morals and values.

8
 That day when I came home, there was a wooden Buddha in my room. My friend,
who was Buddhist, bought the wooden Buddha and placed it in my room; because he felt
that it was the suitable place. At that state of mind it felt as if Buddha himself came for
me. Since I am already familiar with meditation from karate class, I started to meditate
and pray before the wooden Buddha. I prayed at night before I went to sleep to forget
about all the disappointments I faced during the day, and I prayed in the morning to forget
any disturbing dreams that I might have had at night. Soon I started to feel as if God
grants us what we deserve in life. I started to accept both the good and bad things that
happened in my life. In martial art, we study a theory that states that we must always have
a balance between give and take in life. We must give what we expect in return. For the
past six years, it was always my Sensei who paid his respect to me first before he expected
it from me. With this thought in mind, I no longer did to others what I did not what to be
done to me or my loved ones. It felt as if God and the demons can only get in touch with
our minds and all the physical changes in this world were controlled by humans. When I
started to believe in God, it felt as if someone was monitoring my thoughts. So I started
purifying myself by keep my mind clean. I also started preaching goodness to others, but
they did not listen. That is when I realized that in life we seek what we desire and find
what we seek. Giving advice to someone who does not seek it is like offering food to
someone who is not hungry. Where we stand in the world is what gives importance to who
we are. On the battle field the strongest and bravest solider will be looked upon. In a
civilized society, it is fame and fortune that is looked upon. I stopped my preaching after
coming to realize that I have not really accomplished anything for me to be worthy enough
to preach others. Also I realized that if I became too philosophical, I would be a man
nothing more than just empty words. There must be a balance between practicality and
philosophy. If we were too practical, we can never see life beyond what our eyes can see,
and with all the bad things happening in this world we would not really be able to
appreciate life. It is philosophy that allows us to visualize things. It is practicality that
forces us to act upon it. I started to put more effort into my training and other things rather
than waiting for life to grant me what I deserve.

My wooden Buddha

9
 As time went on, I got back in school and slowly started to recover. With my
martial art training and with the thought of God looking after me, my self-confidence
started to improve; but I still did not know what I wanted out of life. Since there were a lot
of seniors in St.Catharines, I started observing them and started imagining about how their
youth must have been.
On the bus, I noticed a man who was desperate and anxious to speak to any
woman. He tried his very best but had no luck. This made me wonder, how a man who is
completing his journey in life is desperately in need of a woman’s company. Considering
the nature of some young men who just like to flirt, I assumed that in the time when he
should have looked for a woman to hold on to, he was busy doing something else. Now he
desires the company of a woman, but he can not have it. Even at that age I do not think
that the man learned his lesson. Instead of looking for another woman with wrinkles who
might have made the same mistake as him, he was trying to talk to the younger women
who found him very annoying.
I saw a lady who was very rich, but yet sad and lonely. She goes shopping trying
to make friends with the sales representatives by buying things she does not even need.
She spent too much time making money and not enough time building relationships.
Then one day I saw the most beautiful view. Two elderly couples walking
together, holding each other. Even at an age where they can barely support themselves,
they seemed more concerned about being there for each other. The thought itself will give
them the strength they need to survive.
That was what I wanted in life. A woman that I can grow old with, but after what I
have seen of this world, I doubted the chances of me finding a woman like that. It is
almost as if there are demons inside every man and woman that want to dominate and
manipulate to control and posses what it desires. It comes down to an individual decision,
to suppress the evil nature or let it overtake them. An example of evil overpowering the
good can be found in the following stories. One, an Indian father in Canada who hired
dons to kill his own daughter in India for marrying a man against his will. The other where
a married woman who had children, committed suicide when she was caught having an
affair. The elders of that family made up a cover story to protect the family’s honor and
the children from being traumatized. Almost every single member of both families was
affected by an individual’s action. We will never know who bad people are until we give
them the opportunity to be bad. In a free country like Canada, where it is everyone’s right
to live as they please, the opportunity is just everywhere.
One day when I was at work I saw something that changed my mind. I always
thought that my employer’s wife was a difficult woman to deal with. One day she was
upset about something and she was cursing. My employer just listened, kissed her on the
cheeks and smiled. She calmed down. Even at the age of sixty, the couple continued to
have the spark that brought them together. It is after that I started thinking about the
concept of soul mates and the theory of yin-yang about husband and wife. When one acts,
the other responds. When one is sad, the other is strong and comforting. When one is
mad, the other is humorous and forgiving. Who a person is without us in their life, is not
who they are when we become part of their life. We exchange personalities with the
people we interact with. That is how we evolve from childhood. Usually the one with the
higher confidence will influence the one with the lower. When I associated with gangsters

10
in Toronto, I was on my way to becoming like them, because their confidence was higher
than mine which influenced me. When I started associating with soldiers and police
officers, I was influenced by them.
This is how a martial artist can make a difference in this world, by applying his
training to his life. You do not need to preach anyone, you just need to live your own
way and depending on how high your potential is, people will be influenced by you, at
least your own family would be influenced by you. A true martial artist never has to
address their self as one for people know. People would recognize that there is something
different about this person just by interacting. With this thought in mind, that it is my
personality that will determine the type of person my wife will become, I started
disciplining myself to becoming a gentleman.
I finally got what I wanted all these years, the time for my black belt grading. Still
I was not fully confident with myself, but it was much better than before. After improving
my confidence, I started drinking causally with friends for fun. Things still did not feel
right. The belt actually started to feel very heavy. Whenever others come to know of us as
a black belt, they have a certain expectation of us; and when we do not meet their
expectation, we are somewhat of a disappointment. It is not necessary for us to fulfill the
expectations of others; but if I was to claim myself as martial artist at least I should be
striving to reach my highest potential. With my heavy smoking, I was like a cancer patient
always coughing and feeling weak. I smoked for over seven years and it has done nothing
but ruin my health. I wasted so much money just to make myself weak. We feel calm
after smoking a cigarette because it pretty much drains our energy. I decided to let the
empty feeling inside me burn rather that finding relief with a cigarette. With the help of
Nicoderm patches, I quit smoking.
One day someone said something to me while they were drinking. After a couple
of days, they behaved as if they never said such a thing, either because they said something
they did not mean or because they were too drunk to remember. I did not want to hold that
person to their word and have them apologize to me. Instead I decided that there should
never be a day where I would have to say, “Sorry, I was drunk,” to anyone. Alcohol
sometimes makes us too emotional or too excited. At both states, we are emotionally
imbalanced and there is a chance that we might do something we regret. Sorry is just a
word that lets other people know that we are aware of our mistake, but it does not really
make up for whatever we might have done. As a martial artist, it is important to me that I
say what I mean and mean what I say. If we all said something and did something else,
our words would become meaningless. So I quit drinking shortly after that day.
The empty feeling became a disturbance, but I found a way to deal with that. Since
I am restless, I started to use my activeness towards my training. I went to the gym and
karate on regular basis. Everyday I tried to strain my body by training so that at the end of
the day, the only thought in my mind is how painful my body was. When the body is tired,
the mind can not think. What the mind cannot think, the heart cannot feel. What the heart
cannot feel cannot hurt you. This emptiness would not go away until I find my other half,
but till then I will only get stronger.
Only now I am coming back to my original state of mind. I know this because my
ability to believe in God is fading away. It is funny how our mind works. We scream for
God to save us when we are in a desperate situation; but as soon as we become stable, our
mind just cannot accept the belief of God. Even though I have found a psychological

11
explanation for most of the strange things that happened to me, I am not going to stop
praying. It is irrelevant for me to question the existence of God, because the belief itself
makes all the difference in our lives. In order for us to have such belief, we must do some
sort of practice such as meditation or prayer on a regular basis. In order for us to be
reminded of the practice, our eyes must see some sort of ideal. For so many years, I
criticized the building of temples and churches, saying why spend money for God when we
can use that money to help man kind, which the God probably wants; but now I think that
our nature to help others even exist in us because of our beliefs. In my life the ideal
became Buddha, but I would never say that this is the best ideal for everyone. A man
going to war cannot worship the God of peace. Christianity says that we shall not worship
the wrong ideal. I do not think that it was ever meant to say that all the other religions are
wrong. It is most likely to have said, do not worship an ideal that guides you in the wrong
path. An example would be of an ideal that asks for a human life to be sacrificed. There is
no such thing as the perfect religion. If you trace the history of every religion, people have
committed the most insane acts in the name of religion. That is because in those days, due
to the lack of knowledge people sought for guide. When the guide preached wrong, people
did wrong. In Canada, education is something that is equally granted to everyone. We do
not need anyone to guide us; we just need to look into our hearts.
I do not know if it is time or the burdens that we face in our lives that make us feel
old, but sometimes I do feel like a very old man. I still have goals and ambitions in life.
First I must complete my degree at Brock. I have wasted too much time here to leave
without it. My major is economics, but I no longer can see myself working with numbers
after all I have been through. In the old days when you had something to say to society,
you traveled around preaching people. In Shakespeare’s time, he managed to create a
stage and bring the audience to him. Today, if you wish to share something with the
society, you would have to make a movie about it. I enjoy dancing, martial arts and I
became somewhat of a writer after having spend so my time alone in my imaginary world.
With all this in my mind, I thought I might target the Indian movie industry. I am familiar
with the culture and language; and the money I can make there will make me a very stable
man. I also need to train a bit more to conquer my fears. We can never predict or control
the outcome of anything, but in knowing that I am capable of responding if my loved ones
were ever caught in a situation, I will be able to live peacefully. We should not stop others
from living their lives just because we are afraid. My father held me back from martial arts
for very long time because he was afraid. I do not want to do the same thing to someone
else. A lot of woman nowadays enjoy going to clubs, but it seems somewhat of a scary
environment for me. It is dark, where we are surrounded by strangers and it is not a place
where I will be able to put up a fight, because I am concerned about the safety of others.
This is the similar situation that happened to me when I got beat up inside the bus. My
attackers had no hesitation or consideration about their surroundings, while I took
everything into consideration. I do think that I would have won that fight, but at least I
would have put up a fight if I did not hesitate. This is the reason why good people often
become victims, because we think. If I can train myself to respond without thinking then it
will no longer be me who fights, it will be the training. In the nightmares, that traumatized
me the biggest challenge was that I was always out numbered. I woke up so many days
crying if there is no one to fight in the side of the good guys. In Sri Lanka, where I lived a
young lady rarely walks alone on the street. We did not have officers in uniforms to show

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up to help us when we needed them the most and sometimes it is those officers that we had
to be afraid of. A female is often accompanied by a male with the thought that no other
male is likely to approach a female. Having grown up with that mentality, I would now
say that when a man takes a woman out, he must be willing to do what is necessary to
assure her safe return.
In the society that I come from, when a man introduces a woman to his family, his
family will start judging her character by her clothing, who she associates with, and how
she associates with them. When a woman introduces a man to her family, her family
would judge a man’s stability by looking at who he is in society and what does for a living.
They judge a woman’s character, because she is considered as the soul of the family. They
judge a man’s stability, because he is considered as the provider and protector of the
family. This may sound like an undeveloped society, but there are good and bad to
everything in life. In a developed society, sometimes the husband and wife are so
systematic with each other, in the fear that the other person will leave them so they keep
their emotions bottled up. Sometimes the bottle explodes destroying the relationship
sometimes it implodes destroying the person. In the undeveloped society where divorce
and breakups are not that familiar and where a marriage is considered as a one way ticket,
the husband and wife selfishly express themselves to one another. Sometimes there is
rumble and tumble, but in time they grow into one another such that they know one
another as they know themselves. Time is changing and so are people. People from my
generation are not only introducing divorce, but all sort of things. I just hope that once I
am stabilized, God will bless me with a woman who will make the commitment to evolve
with me in a way where I will be able to see her view of life and she can see mine.
When we were kids, we used to believe the stories that our parents told us, stories
about princes and princesses and the happily ever after. It is our innocence and our
curiosity towards life that allowed us to believe such things. After you have been in a
couple of relationships, if someone ever told you the story about soul mates, you would
think that it was nonsense. Every time you commit yourself to someone and things fall
apart on you, part of you is lost with that relationship. You can only lose so much before
you completely lose interest in relationships. Sometimes a little bit of innocence is good
and too much knowledge is bad. If you had a casual sex relationship with ten different
partners before you married the eleventh one that you emotionally bonded with, you now
posses the knowledge to make a judgment about which one of the eleven partners satisfied
you the most. If any of the previous ten seem to have satisfied you more than the person
you married, you are now unsatisfied with you marriage. I decided to save whatever that
was left of me for my wife. The only problem is that I kind of forget how I feel towards
others and how others feel toward me if I do not maintain constant communication with
them. I guess after having someone continue a relationship with me for two years after
they had stopped loving me, I kind of got used to leaving people’s feeling toward me as
uncertain until they declare it. Love and respect is not something to ask for, it is something
to be earned. Even when we have earned it, it is still the option of others to give it to us.
With my new gift, I really am capable of giving that option. When I help others, I do not
remember it long enough to feel bad about them not having any gratitude. That is how I
like it now, because we should not really expect anything in return for the good deeds we
do. The only certainty of this world is its uncertainty. Life does not always go in the
direction we want it to.

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Sometimes in order for someone to win, someone has to lose.
Someone’s loss is someone’s gain.
Someone’s misfortune is someone’s opportunity.
Someone’s pain is someone’s pleasure.
In this cycle of life, who determines the winners and losers?
Some say God, some say fate, others say choice,
Whatever it maybe, your destiny is to always keep moving forward.
If you keep looking back,
One day you will find yourself in the middle of nowhere.
What others do to us is fate, what we do to others is a choice.
Darkness appears when the sun disappears,
But darkness itself can never blind the sun.
-Antony Raj

The human mind it like a plant.

It needs to be watered while it is
young for it to grow healthy roots.
Once it starts growing into a tree, it
will take the water it desires from
the soil itself.
No matter how fast or tall I grow, it
would have always been you who
watered the plant.
In case I do not get another chance,
I wish to thank all of you for having
passed your knowledge on to me.
A woman’s smile will show the
world how good her man is. A
man’s success will show the world
how good the woman is.
A child’s behavior will show the
world how good the parents are.
A student’s performance will show
the world how good the teachers
are.

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