™ Sex Therapy

Building Blocks Toward Optimal Sexuality:

Constructing a Conceptual Model
Peggy J. Kleinplatz
University of Ottawa
A. Dana Ménard
Carleton University

The need for models of optimal sexuality in sex therapy and the
lack of theoretical and especially empirical foundations are dis-
cussed. Specifically, what lessons can be gleaned from those who
seek and attain extraordinary sexual relations? As a preliminary
part of a study of optimal sexuality, individuals who report having
had “great sex” were interviewed. The six major themes emerging
from the initial 50 hours are described. These are conceptualized
as building blocks toward the farther reaches of human erotic
potential and consist of being present, authenticity, intense emo-
tional connection, sexual and erotic intimacy, communication, and
transcendence. Clinical implications of these findings are dis-
cussed. The need for sex therapists to acquire and transmit new
methods and skills is considered.
Keywords: sexuality; sex therapy; optimal sexuality; eroticism;
peak experiences
H ow are we to understand optimal sexuality? What are
its characteristics and components? What does it take
to make sex more than merely functional or even satisfying
but truly memorable and extraordinary? The answers to
these questions have been conspicuously absent, at least from
academic, sexological literature.
The general population has a voracious appetite for infor-
mation about great sex, as demonstrated by the preoccupa-
tion with the subject in popular magazines. Much of the
public discourse on “great sex” has been dominated by mag-
azine covers and self-help manuals that sensationalize sex
but marginalize all but youthful acrobats. They promise
spectacular sex for readers who follow seven (or 10 or 12)
easy sex tips. They promote technique, novelty, and incred-
ible orgasms as the route to great sex. The impact of this
mind-set on the public is suggested by the size of most sex
Authors’ Note: We would like to thank Ms. Susan Wright of the
National Coalition for Sexual Freedom for her support of this pro-
ject and Ms. Jacqueline Cohen for her helpful comments on earlier
drafts of this article. Correspondence concerning this article should
be addressed to Peggy J. Kleinplatz at e-mail: kleinpla@uottawa.ca.
THE FAMILY JOURNAL: COUNSELING AND THERAPY FOR COUPLES AND FAMILIES, Vol. 15 No. 1, January 2007 72-78
DOI: 10.1177/1066480706294126
© 2007 Sage Publications
72
therapists’ waiting lists. Too many clients are certain that
their neighbors are engaged effortlessly in hot, endless sex
and feel abnormal or inadequate by comparison.
Unfortunately, there is little in the way of professional
discourse on optimal sexuality in the sex therapy literature
to counter the prevailing stereotypes and magazine check-
lists. Clinical research in the area of human sexuality has
focused on sexual psychopathology in the form of sexual
dysfunctions or the paraphilias. Research on sexuality from
the social psychology literature has studied “normal” (i.e.,
nonclinical) samples but with minimal definition of what, in
fact, constitutes normal sexuality. In both cases, there is still
a tendency to equate sexuality and sexual functioning with
sexual response as defined by Masters and Johnson’s human
sexual response cycle model of 1966 (i.e., the excitement,
plateau, orgasm, and resolution phases). There is a relative
dearth of conceptual models (with notable exceptions, e.g.,
Broder & Goldman, 2004; Kleinplatz, 1996a, 1996b, 2006;
Ogden, 1999, 2006; Schnarch, 1991, 1997) or empirical data
on optimal sexuality. The lacunae in the professional litera-
ture make speculation by clinicians and distorted expecta-
tions among the public all too likely.
Many of the individuals and couples who seek the
services of sex therapists are functional and statistically
normal and would not meet the criteria for a Diagnostic
and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR;
American Psychiatric Association, 2000) or International
Classification of Diseases (ICD; World Health Organization,
1992) disorder of sexual dysfunction. However, they feel
“defective” and suspect that something is wrong in their sex
lives. They have a sense of sexual malaise and ask, “Is this
all there is?” They seek more joy, delight, eroticism, inti-
macy, or passion. They say that, “the mystery is gone” or
“we don’t seem to connect any more.” They are disgruntled
and disillusioned with the quality of their sexual relations.
They want more and typically recall wonderful, sexual feel-
ings from the early stages of their relationships; however,
they do not know what they can strive toward. They wonder
if couples are able to attain or sustain the stuff that dreams

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 Kleinplatz, Ménard / BUILDING BLOCKS TOWARD OPTIMAL SEXUALITY
are made of, especially past the initial “honeymoon” phase
of the relationship and if so, what might be realistic. What
does optimal sexuality look like if we disregard media dic-
tates and attempt to learn from mature individuals and cou-
ples who have actually experienced the real thing?
FOUNDATIONS FOR DEVELOPMENT
OF A CONCEPTUAL MODEL
We have been investigating this area with the goal of
developing an empirically based, theoretically and clinically
useful model. The clinical material on optimal sexuality that
has emerged from the first author’s sex therapy practice has
been a catalyst for the development of this model, high-
lighting a need for a conceptual framework. The model
introduced here has thus been inspired by clinical necessity
but is based on the combination of clinical findings and/or
experience (Kleinplatz, 2006) and current and ongoing
research, as described below.
My (P.K.) interest in this area goes back about 20 years.
It has long been my practice to ask clients to describe the
best sexual experiences of their lives, particularly when
working with those referred for treatment of low sexual
desire. In the late 1980s, I saw three clients referred for
treatment of (what was then called) Inhibited Sexual Desire
within a few days of each other who each answered my
“best sex” question identically: The best sex of their lives
occurred when they were in high school and still virgins,
“making out” with their partners endlessly. Not only was
there no orgasm—there was not even genital contact. The
intense, erotic pleasure they each recalled so vividly decades
later came from the sheer delight of sexual exploration for
its own sake, with no performance-oriented goals on the
horizon (Kleinplatz, 1996a). Such answers defy our conven-
tional understanding of not only “best sexual experiences”
but also of “sex” itself (Kleinplatz, 1996b). In the interven-
ing years, I have been amassing data from clients seen in my
sex therapy practice, with informed consent, about their
most memorable sexual experiences in an effort to under-
stand what makes some sexual experiences extraordinary.
More recently, to fill the empirical vacuum, we set out to
learn from key informants what optimal sexuality means in
practice. As part of an ongoing study of “great sex,” we con-
ducted semistructured interviews with a series of individuals
who self-report having experienced “great sex” using phe-
nomenological research methods (Cresswell, 1998; Holstein
& Gubrium, 1995; Moustakas, 1994; Polkinghorne; 1989). We
recruited participants with the relatively neutral adjective of
“great” sex as opposed to a more leading term such as “erotic,”
“hot,” “satisfying,” “fulfilling,” “passionate,” or “ecstatic,”
which might introduce a bias toward a particular kind of
“great” sex; the methodology employed here requires that
investigators attempt to bracket their own assumptions
and preconceptions so that the phenomena under study
(Mahrer, 2004) or participants’ own experience can
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© 2007 SAGE Publications. All rights reserved. Not for commercial use or unauthorized distribution.
73
emerge (Aanstoos, 1986, 1991). Rather than choosing par-
ticipants from the usual pool of research participants, that is,
college population samples, we sought out the insights of
men and women older than 65 years of age who reported hav-
ing been in long-term relationships—a group “normal” yet
overlooked as a source of data on optimal sexuality. Older
participants were solicited via community groups. Participants
were also recruited from another marginalized population,
that is, self-identified members of sexual minority groups.
These individuals were recruited from a listserv of self-iden-
tified participants in SM (i.e., consensual sadomasochism)
communities. Finally, the perspectives of sex therapists, indi-
viduals who presumably have spent time contemplating the
spectrum of sexuality, were included to flesh out a new,
conceptual model of optimal sexuality. Sex therapists were
recruited from a sex therapy and research listserv. Additional
participants were found quite readily using a “snowball”
technique.
The interviews were analyzed for emerging themes (as
per Cresswell, 1998; Moustakas, 1994; and Polkinghorne,
1989). Some preliminary impressions of the most prominent
themes resulting from the initial 50 hours of interviews are
presented below. Six major components emerged. Although
our findings are intended as descriptive and not prescriptive,
implications for “ordinary” clinicians and lovers about the
farther reaches of human erotic potential are discussed.
WHAT ARE THE COMPONENTS OF OPTIMAL
SEXUALITY OR HOW WOULD YOU KNOW
GREAT SEX IF YOU STUMBLED INTO IT?
Being Present
The most predominant and fully articulated characteristic
of great sex among our participants was of being “fully pre-
sent” and “totally absorbed in the moment.” They described
utter immersion and intensely focused attention. It is as
though everything is happening in slow motion and to allow
it to continue, one must simply trust in the experience. Many
referred to being carried and encapsulated by the “flow” of
the interaction and some—notably, not therapists—even
referred to the Csikzentmihalyi (1990) book of the same
name. (It is ironic to note that Csikzentmihalyi referred to
being swept up in various sorts of creative endeavors such as
composing, performing music or writing; however, he does
not include sex.) Participants spoke of heightened bodily
sensations and awareness while turning their minds off.
They were fully embodied, in touch with sensory experi-
ence, mostly though not always, intensely pleasureful expe-
rience, and “attune themselves to each moment.” They
spoke about letting go so that they could surrender to bodily
experience itself: “My body is moving but I’m not moving
it.” It is as though they choose to be swept away, giving
themselves over to “an overload of sensations.” It involved,
“Reaching the point where arousal overcomes thinking,”
74 THE FAMILY JOURNAL: COUNSELING AND THERAPY FOR COUPLES AND FAMILIES / January 2007
and “I stop the running commentary in my head . . . I don’t
have to think about where to place my hand—it just goes
there.” Another laughed, “The first clue that it’s great sex is
that you’re not wondering if it is or not. In fact, you’re not
thinking at all! You recognize it after the fact.” Participants
pointed out almost universally that, whereas other kinds of
sexual interaction may be physically satisfying and emo-
tionally fulfilling, this quality of being entirely alive in their
bodies with no mental interference was the hallmark of great
sex. They spoke of the fluidity of great tension building in
their bodies interspersed with the willingness to release. One
described it as, “an ongoing orgasmic state, even without
orgasm.”
Authenticity
Being present was inextricably linked for most partici-
pants with a second component of being themselves, feeling
free to be themselves with their partners, and being relent-
lessly honest with themselves. Honesty and openness to
one’s own desires were critical elements in several ways:
Firstly, they serve as prerequisites for having great sex; that
is, one cannot typically communicate one’s desires without
some knowledge of them. Secondly, the feeling of being unin-
hibited and un-self-conscious was freeing and energizing.
“The trick is to stop getting in your own way.” Thus, partic-
ipants spoke of feeling uninhibited, of having chosen to turn
off their own filters, and being free of self-censoring. Giving
authentic expression to one’s erotic desires opened up unfore-
seen possibilities in the encounter with oneself and the part-
ner(s). As one participant said, “It gave me my voice.” Thirdly,
the act of being emotionally naked with a partner or partners
was in itself exquisite. The emotional power of being gen-
uine, being seen and known authentically was described
repeatedly as a gift. “I am at my most powerful when I am
at my most vulnerable—that is when I feel my greatest
strength. I am completely stripped bare and if they can reach
in and grab it and play with it, I love it!”
Both poets (e.g., Cohen, 1967) and pornographers recog-
nize the power of the unabashed blush, the erotic charge of
the direct, knowing gaze; the energy that springs from asking
for one’s deepest desires in full view of comprehending wit-
nesses and the confessional quality of great sex. It is, how-
ever, the rare lover who goes there. One advised, “Always tell
as much as you can . . . and then reveal a little bit more.” The
need to be seen and understood accurately—not necessarily
even validated—have long been recognized as prerequisites
for growth (at least in more formal, therapeutic relationships;
Rogers, 1957). Applying these principles to the quest for
erotic intimacy helps to shift the focus from performing to
simply remaining present while knowing and being known
authentically. As stated by L’Abate and Hewitt (1988), “The
chief demand in sexuality is to be oneself” (p. 32).
Many participants mentioned self-knowledge as a pur-
suit, a journey, and a goal in their lives and regarded extra-
ordinary sexual experiences as a vehicle for personal growth
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and adventure. For them, sexual encounters provide a unique
and treasured opportunity for growth, for welcoming of
unknowns, with the partner acting as a catalyst to effect self-
discovery. As Townsend (1971) wrote, “I’m looking for that
free ride to me, I’m looking for you.”
Intense Emotional Connection
The third theme emerging from the data was heightened
intimacy during the sexual encounter. Whether in long-term
or other relationships, all great sex involved a powerful
sense of intimate engagement. Curiously, although some
participants emphasized the need for intimacy outside the
bedroom if intimacy was to occur during sex, others pointed
out that great sex often occurs outside conventional, long-
term relationships, for example, with friends, play partners,
or in new, romantic relationships. Others stated that “hot,
passionate” sexual interludes are qualitatively different from
“great sex” that is predicated on long-term intimacy in every
facet of a relationship. Regardless of participants’ divergence
in perspectives on what relationship factors outside the bed-
room were required to promote great sex, all stated that
intense emotional contact, for the duration of the encounter
was an integral aspect of great sex. The only exceptions
were those who considered the possibility that one could
have great sex alone, without a partner. In fact, most indi-
cated that it was precisely the degree of connection, energy,
“alignment” or “conductivity” between or among the part-
ners that determined how great the sex could be. The focus
was on being deeply empathic, “in sync,” and living in a
shared, common experience, enhanced by moment-by-
moment awareness of how the partner is responding. It was
described as a profoundly moving union that entailed being
“present with” the partner—entirely emotionally accessible—
and “not something you do to another person.” These descrip-
tions were reminiscent of Buber’s (1958) distinction between
the “I-Thou” relationship versus the “I-It” relationship.
Mutuality during the encounter seemed critical.
Participants spoke of trust, cherishing one another, sharing,
accepting, validating, and feeling “as much desired as desir-
ing.” They described an easy ebb and flow between giving
and receiving stimulation and/or pleasure. In addition, being
centered in oneself and feeling respect from the partner
allowed participants to expand the limits of previous com-
fort zones. Perhaps paradoxically, participants offered that
“good” and “clear boundaries,” “self-knowledge,” and “self-
acceptance” were essential to entering into a “moment of
connection where I can’t tell where I stop and the other
starts.” Letting go with others meant first being grounded
and having a good, solid grip on oneself (as described by
Schnarch, 1991, 1997; and Shaw, 2001).
Sexual and Erotic Intimacy
Related to, but distinct from, the moment-by-moment
engagement was a more pervasive and continuing sense of
intimacy in the relationship. Participants spoke about the
 Kleinplatz, Ménard / BUILDING BLOCKS TOWARD OPTIMAL SEXUALITY
importance of a deep sense of caring for one another, regard-
less of the duration of the relationship; getting to know the
other person(s) really well, that is, bodily, emotionally, and
in terms of erotic desires; access to the other’s inner world;
emotional and sexual generosity; giving themselves and
each other permission “to indulge as well as to be indul-
gent.” Being best friends was key for some. Regardless of
what else sexual partners bring to an encounter, it was inti-
macy that made an exponential difference. Sexual intimacy
was predicated on an emotional bond and was seen as instru-
mental in bonding, “as restoring a sense of primacy . . . it
makes me feel I matter.”
The nature of the sexual acts partners engaged in was
seen as virtually irrelevant, as long as there was mutual
consent, and in any case, preferences are, “as individualistic
as fingerprints.” However, one notable exception emerged:
Many participants spontaneously mentioned kissing as a
barometer of intimacy. “Kissing is about being tender, about
passion.” “It’s the closeness of the lips, the eyes . . . it cre-
ates arousal and connection.” “When couples stop kissing,
they stop having great sex.”
Many described an intoxicating mix of pleasure and dan-
ger. To give themselves over to the power of the encounter,
participants needed the safety to be vulnerable, to share their
bodies and feelings, and to take risks. To the extent that all
intimacy involves a “leap of faith,” sexual intimacy seemed a
particularly palpable demonstration of this choice. Letting go
of one’s social personae, being entirely defenseless or surren-
dering a false self requires courage, trust in the partner, and
security in the relationship. Dillon (2001) suggested that hold-
ing onto the pretenses of romance are safer than allowing one-
self to be known in more intimate and mature relationships;
while the former is an understandable choice, it leads to
“starv[ing] at the banquet table.” Dillon (2001, p. 124) added,
The idealizations of romantic love thrive on barriers and ret-
icence; they promote imposture and duplicity; they are overt
forms of self-protection and covert forms of self-betrayal,
and, in the best case, they promote transformation and self-
transcendence: one must prepare oneself to deliver what one
pretends to be.
Recognizing that volatility and even danger are implicitly
involved in sexual intimacy may be pivotal in one’s choice
of partners: As one participant said, “The fear of closeness
prevents some from being really open in the relationship and
thus dictates the safe but [ultimately dismal] choice of mar-
riage partners.” However, for those who dare, sexual inti-
macy provides the strictures in which one could discover
what one is capable of being and becoming, that is, it opens
“an avenue wherein to test limits.”
Communication
For most participants, great sex required excellent com-
munication, and it was seen as crucial to the success of a
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75
sexual encounter whether the relationship lasted 3 hours, 3
years, or 35 years. Many participants spoke not just of the
need for sexual partners to communicate, but also of the
need for greater comfort with sexual communication within
society. “If one thinks of sexual intercourse as the apex of all
intercourse, of all social intercourse—then the sexual rela-
tionship becomes the epitome of the best kind of communi-
cation which happens between partners.”
Before one can hope to communicate sexually with
another, one must first take responsibility for knowing about
one’s own arousal. Many people do not seem to have a work-
ing knowledge of their own (or others’) bodies; great sex
requires an exquisite ability to attend and be attuned to what
one finds physically stimulating as well as what is erotically
exciting. One must be ready and willing to talk about sex
openly, acknowledge pleasure, and express one’s desires.
“Babies are born with the capacity for free expression . . . but
it gets blocked.” For adult lovers, effective sexual communi-
cation requires a balance between access to one’s inner life,
allowing one’s wishes to emerge without being dampened
and the capacity to relate with one’s partner(s).
Participants spoke in terms of the abilities to listen,
respond, being able to give and to receive feedback, to be
nonjudgmental, to organize information and having the abil-
ity to give positive regard, thereby, “making people inspired
to give back more.” Verbal and nonverbal communication
were prized, and the helpfulness of “show and tell.”
Above and beyond more general communication skills,
great sex required the ability to read the partner’s responses
via one’s own body, specifically via touch. It requires that
lovers develop the “empathy so you could feel into the
other’s space” and cultivate the “enormous ability to play off
of the other.” Some referred to talking itself as a sex act,
emphasizing the importance of “taking risks verbally or
intense vocal expression,” and “speaking erotically and talk-
ing dirty” as moving the encounter “into forbidden territory
but with a sense of safety because it’s play.” This level of
communication creates the conditions wherein partners
can “kind of push limits and try new things.”
Transcendence
Great sex appears to involve a combination of heightened
altered mental, emotional, physical, relational, and spiritual
states in unison, akin to what Maslow (1971) described as
peak experience. Some felt a little sheepish about speaking
about sex in exalted terms, worrying that sounding “touchy
feely” would be a mistake; they feared that the “down-and-
dirty parts” of great sex would be lost amidst talk of “magi-
cal experiences” and “spirituality.” It is ironic to note that it
was the same participants who initially expressed such con-
cerns who would later laugh at their own focussing on the
transcendent quality of great sex.
This quality involved “a willingness to enter into altered
states of consciousness,” “a break from the mundane,”
“achieving a high,” “trance states,” “a portal to an alternate
76 THE FAMILY JOURNAL: COUNSELING AND THERAPY FOR COUPLES AND FAMILIES / January 2007
reality,” or being in a state some recognized as parallel with
heightened meditation. It could be expansive and enlighten-
ing, literally; great sex is identifiable in that “it leaves you
bigger than you were before” (cf. Leonard, 1989) and
enables you to see “flashes of illumination” opening up pre-
viously hidden vistas. It “opened me up to recognizing the
kinds of experiences I could have,” (cf. Helminiak, 1996)
and (from another), creates the opportunity “to connect in
with some essential truths about yourself.”
For the participants, great sex involved being awash in
“awe,” “ecstasy,” “bliss,” “peace,” and the “sublime.” For
some, the juxtaposition of religious and sexual imagery
seemed inevitable. It was as if they had no other words with
which to describe the experience, for example, “infinite,”
transcendent, eternal, “like worship.” Others deliberately chose
the vocabulary of their religions, equating great sex with the
sacred, as in, “The ultimate is experience of Divinity,”
“Great sex is a gift from God,” “It is a way to practice my
spiritual path,” or “It was revelatory—an epiphany.” One
individual commented, “Sexual liberation . . . reinforced my
connection with the Divine” and of note, facilitated sexual
choices hardly mandated by that participant’s religious doc-
trines. As Maslow (1971) wrote, “There are many paths to
heaven, and sex is one of them” (p. 169).
In the interpersonal realm sexual intercourse was
regarded as a metaphor for the “ultimate form of merging.”
Such remarks were particularly striking given that none of
the participants believed that intercourse, nor any other sex
act, played an important role in great sex. They spoke of the
multidimensional nature of great sex (cf. Ogden, 1999, 2006)
saying that it made their perceptions of one another “more
kaleidoscopic” and, “The better we are, the more I am daz-
zling and dazzled by you.”
IMPLICATIONS FOR CLINICIANS
The six most prominent components of great sex as
described by participants in the current study were being
present, authenticity, intense emotional connection, sexual
and erotic intimacy, communication and transcendence. There
are surely other elements to be discovered in this continuing
research program. Even these six, however, have implica-
tions for sex therapists.
The picture of great sex that emerges from these participants
is radically different from that prescribed by the “spectacular
sex tips” mind-set that predominates in the media. Talk of keep-
ing sexual relations vibrant often focuses on increasing variety,
for example, varying one’s routines, trying new positions,
adding sex toys. The findings demonstrated instead that it is not
a question of particular sex techniques to be mastered or even
of genital contact, intercourse, or orgasm; on the contrary, par-
ticipants echoed repeatedly the irrelevance of sex acts or one’s
skill in performing them in creating great sex. Simplistic solu-
tions will not suffice in attempts to create memorable sex; the
issue is not at the level of technical skills or mechanics.
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That is both the good news and the bad news. The good
news is that being sexually functional is not necessary for
great sex. Having difficulties with erections or orgasm does
not preclude optimal sexual experience (Zilbergeld, 2004).
Many of the participants had been (or had had partners who
were) disabled or chronically ill. Others had lived long
enough to find that their genital responses had slowed over
time, just as their hearing and vision were no longer as acute
as in youth. Not only had these changes not diminished sex-
ual fulfillment, they had made the characteristics of great sex
more salient. As one stated, “It isn’t about orgasm . . . it’s
about one long, intense plateau.”
Now the bad news: Being sexually functional is not suf-
ficient for great sex. Sex therapy may be able to treat the
symptoms of sexual dysfunction quite effectively; however,
the field knows precious little about how to promote superb
sex. To define new parameters for the spectrum of sexuality,
sex therapists will have to learn from those outside the
populations we have typically worked with and studied.
Fortunately, such individuals are eager to broaden our hori-
zons. As therapists, we can aspire dramatically higher than
regression to the mean.
Lest anyone be wary of setting yet higher performance
standards for couples to achieve, the lessons to date indicate
precisely that aiming for performance of any kind is coun-
terproductive. The “goal,” if any, begins with becoming
more comfortable in one’s own skin (i.e., the foundations of
authenticity and being present) rather than attempting to
meet externally imposed standards of excellence.
All of the participants were asked if they had always had
great sex or if it was an acquired capacity. Without excep-
tion, each responded that they had developed their abilities
over time. So too, their conceptions of great sex had
changed with experience and personal growth. Each had to
reject conventional notions of sex and revision sexuality, tai-
loring it to their own values, needs, wishes, and dreams,
along the way to experiencing great sex. Although their indi-
vidual visions were unique, they shared the six commonali-
ties described above.
This presents sex therapists with new opportunities and
challenges. We, too, will need to rethink how our job
descriptions can limit or expand the sexual growth of our
patients. We too, may require new templates. We can con-
tinue our attempts at alleviating dysfunction and pathology
or we can aim for much grander outcomes indeed (Kleinplatz,
2001). Great sex in no way resembles functional sex, and as
our participants pointed out repeatedly, it is also quite dif-
ferent from good or even very good sex. What is it patients
and/or clients are actually seeking from clinicians or thera-
pists? What is it they are ultimately hoping for and what
actually can be delivered? The answers to these questions
are partly empirical, requiring further research, partly clini-
cal judgment and partially subject to what clients wish to
aim toward and pay for or what their insurance coverage will
reimburse.
 Kleinplatz, Ménard / BUILDING BLOCKS TOWARD OPTIMAL SEXUALITY
For those who might choose to promote optimal sexual-
ity, we will need to acquire new skill sets and learn how to
develop new capacities in our patients. For example, thera-
pists might enable clients to be fully present and absorbed
in the moment, teaching them how to turn their minds off
entirely, be utterly focussed in the moment, and absorbed by
bodily sensations. The quality of these capacities will need
to go beyond the levels of what therapists typically teach
in terms of avoiding distraction or the thought-stopping
techniques of cognitive-behavioral therapy. The required
intrapsychic skills may be found more readily among vir-
tuoso musicians, expert meditators, Olympic athletes and
their coaches than among psychotherapists; we may need
to broaden our database.
Therapists might facilitate clients’ capacities for honesty
with themselves and others and being emotionally naked at
a level far beyond that required for normative interpersonal
communication (e.g., active listening, paraphrasing). For
optimal sexuality, they will require advanced interpersonal
skills in reading their own and one another’s most primitive,
sensory wishes and responses—and their meanings.
Although therapists have a professional interest in empathy,
optimal sexuality will require something beyond the com-
mon meanings or levels of empathic attunement (Mahrer,
Boulet, & Fairweather, 1994). Therapists might, for exam-
ple need to learn from those ballet dancers who are best
known for long-term partnerships and their brilliant pas de
deux, each going beyond established choreography to make
their movements seamless and unique despite repeat perfor-
mances. In addition, we will need to help couples create
enough intrapsychic and interpersonal safety to access and
reveal their deepest vulnerabilities; it is in that space that the
capacity for intense eroticism resides (Kleinplatz, 1996a,
2006; Schnarch, 1991, 1997; Shaw, 2001).
Therapists might, for example, encourage clients to
expand their capacities for intense and overwhelming plea-
sure rather than settling for merely thoroughly satisfying sex.
For almost 20 years, I (P.K.) have had couples in sex therapy
experiment with asking for all the pleasure they can take and
then actually attempt to receive it. I can count on one hand the
number of clients who have been able to stay with their feel-
ings in their first effort for more than 15 minutes as they
encounter barriers within, interpersonally and in the environ-
ment. The reports of their endeavors, of course, provide very
useful, clinical material for developing embodiment.
If therapists are to even contemplate such changes in our
practice, we will also need to tell clients that optimal sex
will not happen “naturally and spontaneously.” As one par-
ticipant noted, “it takes considerable time and effort—not
work, but surely effort.”
Given the nature of the research groups selected for the
current investigation, it would be inappropriate to assume that
the components identified by participants are to be general-
ized to the general population. In addition, all participants
were older than 35 years of age, even in those groups not
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© 2007 SAGE Publications. All rights reserved. Not for commercial use or unauthorized distribution.
77
selected based on age (e.g., sexual minorities). The percep-
tions of great sex among younger people may be markedly
different; indeed, many participants reported that their
understanding of great sex has changed over time. In addi-
tion, participants who had experienced great sex had usually
experienced it repeatedly. Their definitions of great sex may
be quite different from those individuals who have experi-
enced it infrequently. Future research should investigate
facilitating factors that help to bring about optimal sexual
experiences and the consequences that follow from engag-
ing in great sex. Indeed, these steps are already under way
as part of the authors’ broader, ongoing, research program.
CONCLUSIONS
Clinical necessity and empirical investigation led to iden-
tifying six building blocks or components of optimal sexual-
ity. The theoretical model developing here suggests that
optimal sexual experience may involve those moments of
deep connection in which partners are psychologically and
sexually authentic, accessible, embodied, intimately engaged,
and responsive to whatever lies deep within themselves and
each other. Often, the feeling is not about tension relief but
of prolonging timelessness. In a context of safety and trust,
lovers may risk self and other exploration and revelation, let-
ting go of inhibitions and other obstacles to enormous plea-
sure and growth. Such experiences are often transformative,
having qualities of transcendence and liberation.
Sex therapists may wish to consider new visions of sexu-
ality. Optimal sexuality may be heightened in sex therapy by
helping clients to grow as individuals and partners (Kleinplatz,
1996a, 2001; Schnarch, 1991; Shaw, 2001). The work of sex
therapy in such cases may entail helping make the relation-
ship safe enough to enable the individuals involved to be
emotionally naked and to take the risks involved in being
vulnerable.
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Peggy J. Kleinplatz is an associate professor of medicine and a clin-
ical professor of psychology at the University of Ottawa, Canada.
A. Dana Ménard is currently a graduate student in the
Psychology Department at Carleton University in Ottawa,
Canada.