Professional Documents
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Written by
TRAVIS PIEPIORKA
DRAMA
We can’t all get so lucky, Bro.
TURTLE
You guys about done?
VINCE
Sorry, Turtle. What’s wrong
with you anyway? You’re not
yourself.
TURTLE
Jamie bought me a gift that I am a
little nervous about.
VINCE
Oh yeah! Happy birthday! We didn’t
forget.
ERIC
Happy birthday, Turtle!
Eric’s Blackberry is buzzing again, he sees that it is Ari
calling, and again lets it go into voice mail.
DRAMA
Happy birthday Bro!
TURTLE
Thanks, Drama, but who cares about
my birthday? You know what today
is, don’t you?
ERIC
No Turtle, what is today?
TURTLE
Today is THE SMACK OFF!
VINCE
The Smack off?
TURTLE
Yeah, The Smack Off!
DRAMA
What’s The Smack off? A celebration
to those who jerk it?
TURTLE
You wish. No, The Smack off, the
JIM ROME SHOW?
Everyone looks at Turtle like he is CRAZY.
3.
TURTLE
Alright. The Smack off. Every year,
The Jim Rome Show on KLAC has a day
when they allow the best callers
for the year to come on, by invite
only and bash the shit out of the
other callers, sports figures,
politicians, just about everybody.
For the past fews years, the same
guy has been on top. I could win
it!
Drama turns on the radio to hear Jim Rome introducing the
first caller in The Smack off. We hear Jim Rome on the radio
announce a caller named, TERRANCE from SIERRA MADRE.
TURTLE
This guy is awesome! Best caller to
never win! I got a feeling, this
will be his year!
DRAMA
It’s your birthday, Bro. You were
saying something before, what were
your saying?
TURTLE
You had to bring that back up,
didn’t you?
VINCE
Something wrong, Turtle?
DRAMA
Having issues in your old age? I
like to tug it out early in the
night, knowing I am going to have
to perform later on. Trust me,
Bro...you will last longer.
ERIC
Yeah, Turtle, listen to Drama.
Rub-n-tugs is all he can get these
days!
DRAMA
Laugh all you want, Bro, there is
no safer sex.
TURTLE
She, ah, she got me a gift.
4.
DRAMA
Don’t be embarrassed, Bro, everyone
needs some help, sometimes. She get
you a cock ring or something?
Didn’t take her as the kinky type.
TURTLE
Yeah, asshole, she got me a cock
ring!
Turtle gives a jerk off motion towards Drama.
DRAMA
Sorry, Bro. Didn’t realize you were
so sensitive. What did she give
you?
TURTLE
She ah, ah bought me a session this
morning with KAT VON D.
VINCE
She giving tugs these days?
DRAMA
I think I met her at the mansion
last year.
ERIC
Does she know about your little
fear of needles?
TURTLE
Haven’t told her, won’t ever tell
her!
VINCE
Cannot disappoint her Turtle, you
gonna handle this?
TURTLE
I don’t know, but I kind of have
to.
DRAMA
You know, back when I was doing
that ARC on Beverly Hills 90210,
SHANNON DOUGHTRY told me to get a
tattoo. She thought it would help
me with my career.
5.
ERIC
Should have taken her advice!
Eric, Vince, and Turtle look at Drama and laugh. Drama looks
embarrassed and confused!
DRAMA
You guys coming to see this? Maybe
we should smoke a bowl before we
go.
TURTLE
Love to, but I can’t. It is one of
the rules.
DRAMA
Rules?
TURTLE
Rules Drama. Can’t be messed up
when your getting ink.
DRAMA
Never stopped you before.
TURTLE
Let’s just go, before I change my
mind.
Drama and Turtle are getting ready to leave.
VINCE
We have to be there for moral
support. Besides, Kat Von D is
pretty hot!
EXT. DRIVING DOWN THE STREET, LOS ANGELES. INT. MASERATI AND
ESCALADE.
INT. L.A.INK-DAY
KAT VON D
You must be Turtle! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Hi, Vince.
Completely bypassing Drama and Eric!
TURTLE
I’m Turtle. Shaking hands nervously
with Kat Von D.
ERIC
Eric Murphy, Vince’s manager.
Eric’s Blackberry is buzzing again, and again it is Ari
calling. Eric looks over at Vince, and back at his phone,
and lets it go to voice mail.
DRAMA
I’m Vince’s older brother. You
probably don’t remember me, but I
met you last year at the Mansion.
We were talking about my hit show,
Five Towns.
7.
KAT VON D
Sorry, Drama, I don’t...
DRAMA
Yeah, hard to remember anyone at a
party like that!
Drama shrieks with disappointment.
KAT VON D
Those parties can get pretty wild.
You ready, Turtle?
TURTLE
I think so.
Turtle sees the L.A.Ink Crew, and starts getting visibly
nervous.
TURTLE
Shit! I didn’t know you were going
to film this. That is just great!
Can you imagine seeing me puke my
guts out on your show?
KAT VON D
Jamie-Lynn called us, we know to
take extra special care of you!
Just relax and ignore the cameras.
TURTLE
(Looks around seeing the
cameras)
What? Do I look nervous or
something? Shit, everyone’s gonna
think I am the worlds biggest
pussy! That’s just great!
KAT VON D
Jamie-Lynn said you may be nervous,
something about a childhood
incident?
DRAMA
Childhood incident? You mean when
MISS JENKINS had to give you a flu
shot and you puked all over her
tits in front of everybody? That
incident? You told her about that?
TURTLE
Fuck you, Drama!
8.
KAT VON D
Do you know what you want?
TURTLE
I think I know, but, ah, can you,
well, uh?
Turtle is damn near gagging because of nerves.
DRAMA
Why don’t you get a tattoo of a
$100 bill on your cock! We all know
how much you like playing with
money.
TURTLE
Let me guess, this is something you
tried, but since Monopoly money is
trademarked, there wasn’t enough
room for the TM!
DRAMA
Very funny. I’m just trying to calm
your nerves.
ARI (CONT’D)
Good news would be not having to
see you in a pink tie, Lloyd. I got
great fucking news, and for some
reason that little shit won’t
answer his, God Damned Phone!
Motions to Lloyd to get back to his desk.
ARI (CONT’D)
Do what ever it takes, but get E on
the phone!
Lloyd Rushes back to desk, dials Eric.
INTERCUT WITH: ARI’S OFFICE AND L.A. INK
Eric’s phone rings he looks at it and sees that it is Ari’s
office calling for the 4th time today. Eric looks
frustrated, but takes the call.
LLOYD
Good morning, E, I have Ari for
you, he has good news!
ERIC
Thanks, Lloyd.
ARI
(Hears the sound of tattoo
needles in the background)
Good news? I have great fuckin’
news! You getting ink E? I didn’t
think your little Irish ass had the
balls to handle that!
ERIC
We’re at L.A. INK.
ARI
Really? How come I wasn’t invited?
ERIC
It was a birthday gift.
ARI
I didn’t know it was your birthday,
I would have gotten you something.
ERIC
It’s not. We’re with Turtle.
Jamie-Lynn hooked him up with Kat
Von D. He’s getting ink.
10.
ARI
That little shit!
(in disbelief)
Do you think he’s really fucking
Meadow Soprano?
ERIC
I know you didn’t call me to talk
about Turtle’s sex life. What the
fuck do you want?
Vince looks over at Eric.
VINCE
What does he want?
ERIC
He hasn’t said yet.
Turtle and Drama are in the background looking through
tattoo portfolios looking for the perfect tattoo.
ARI,
All business today, E? I wanted to
talk to you about your client, you
know, your biggest client, Vince.
ERIC
What about Vince? You actually have
something worth looking at? We are
getting pretty sick of hearing
about all the projects we want
going to other people. Do your job!
ARI
I am not going to lie, E, things
have been slim...but, I think
things are about to change. I need
you and Vince to be at Warner’s at
1:00. We have a meeting.
ERIC
Warner’s at 1:00, today? You got to
be fucking kidding me! Is this a
fuckin’ joke? You remember Smoke
Jumpers Ari? Vince is going to love
this. We’re not going through that
shit again, I though we made that
clear.
ARI
This is not Smoke Jumpers, E. Make
sure your client, my client, is
there.
11.
ERIC
This better not be a fucking waste
of our time.
ARI
If it is, you can fire me, again.
Just meet me at Dana Gordon’s
office at 1:00.
Eric hangs up with Ari, and turns around to see Turtle
struggling with the idea of getting a tattoo as Kat Von D
prepares to lay ink into Turtles left arm.
TURTLE
Damn, wish I were high for this!
KAT
You know the rules Turtle!
TURTLE
Can you at least turn on The Smack
off on KLAC?
KAT
Sure.
Turns the radio station to KLAC to The Smack off.
VINCE
What did Ari want?
ERIC
We have a meeting with Dana Gordon
at 1:00.
VINCE
Really? Think we should go?
ERIC
No, but he told me that we wouldn’t
want to miss it.
Turtle gets into position on the table, as Kat starts
tattooing him. Drama watches with amazement as Turtle’s face
turns to horror as he starts to feel the needle.
DRAMA
Hang in there, Bro!
TURTLE
Easy for you to say, AAHH!
Turtle gives out a look of horror and pain.
12.
KAT VON D
MAN’S GAME, TURTLE!
Eric looks over to Drama.
ERIC
Vince and I have a meeting at
Warner’s, you all right on your
own?
DRAMA
Yeah, we’ll be all right here.
ERIC
Take Turtle out to lunch or
something.
Eric hands Drama his credit card.
ERIC
We’ll hook up later.
DRAMA
No problem. Thanks, Bro.
Drama looks at Eric’s credit card smiling.
HOT GIRL
Hi, Vince!
VINCE
Hi.
Gives a wave towards the hot girl, and then looks at her ass
as he passes her by.
13.
ARI,
Nice to see you could make it on
time boys!
ERIC
I cannot believe I let you talk me
into this! Hope your not wasting
our time.
VINCE
E does have a point.
ARI
You are going to have to trust me
on this one, Vin. Besides, E, do
you really have somewhere else more
important to be right now?
Eric
Trust you, on this one? Where have
we heard that before?
ARI
Fuck the past! Vince, E, you have
to put those feelings aside! If I
ever taught you anything about this
business, you would know that their
are a hundred other guys who would
give their left nut to be in your
place right now.
Motioning for Eric and Vince to look around with him in
amazement.
ARI (CONT’D)
Aren’t you just a little bit
curious to hear what Dana Gordon
has to say?
Ari Opens the door into the building.
DANA (CONT’D)
After speaking with Brett and
Jerry, we all agreed, this part was
made for you. You have our complete
confidence, no bullshit.
ARI
Come on, Vin, what do you have to
lose?
Pleading.
ERIC
It is a chance to work with Jerry
Bruckheimer. You have always wanted
that.
Motions to Vince as he makes a point.
DANA
What do you think?
VINCE
I want to hear more about it.
ARI
This could be great for you,
Vinnie, for us too.
Looking at Eric and Dana.
VINCE
I don’t know what to say. Can I
think about it?
Ari looks at Eric for help in getting through to Vince that
this is a good project that we don’t want to pass on.
ERIC
It sounds like an amazing
opportunity.
Looking at Vince.
ERIC (CONT’D)
Besides, what else do we have going
on right now? Might be nice to get
away for a while. Plus, we could
use the cash.
DANA
We also think so, with Vince in it.
The only thing is, we need a
(MORE)
17.
DANA (CONT’D)
decision from you soon. I don’t
want to put pressure on you Vince,
but since this project has been
green-lighted, Jerry is more than
anxious to start shooting.
VINCE
How soon?
DANA
Four weeks...We are shooting in
Vancouver, BC. The project has to
be completed before winter.
VINCE
What do you think, E?
Looking at E for some guidance.
ERIC
I would like to read it, but with
Brett and Jerry on board, it
probably won’t suck. What the hell,
let’s go for it.
ARI
I am happy we are coming to an
agreement, but my boy here isn’t
going anywhere until we can talk
cash.
Dana walks over to her desk and brings over a manila folder
and an envelope. She hands Vince the envelope and hands Ari
the manila folder.
DANA
With Oscar talk stirring up about
Vince’s performance and his recent
SCORESECE film about to hit
theaters,
Vince opens the envelope to find a check inside. Vince
slowly brings out the check, and looks at Ari, than Eric,
and then Dana as he starts to smile.
DANA (CONT’D)
we’ve decided, were not going to
fuck around on this one.
VINCE,
Ah, yeah, I Ah... don’t know what
to say...
18.
VINCE (CONT’D)
This is amazing. I won’t let you
down.
DANA
I know you won’t. Good luck, Vince.
Dana turns to Ari.
DANA (CONT’D)
Ari, we have to get Vince together
with Jerry and Brett in the next
few days. I will have my assistant
set it up.
ARI
Anything you want, Baby.
Motions to Dana in a sexual way as he implies they go to
Dana’s private bathroom and revive some old memories.
DANA
Ari.
ARI
Thank you. Seriously, thank you!
DANA
Go! Before I cancel the check and
change my mind.
Vince, Eric, Ari leave Dana’s office, passing Dana’s
assistant Kelli. Ari has a huge smile on his face, Eric,
follows suite, and Vince looks as calm as can be,
considering he has a check for six million in his pocket.
They get into the elevator.
ARI
You know boys, this calls for a
celebration. Dinner tonight, on me
at THE GEISHA HOUSE.
ERIC
Better be on you, we haven’t cashed
that check...not yet anyway!
20.
VINCE
Abso-fuckin’-lutely. Shit, we
better check on Turtle.
Motions with his phone call the boys.
ARI
This is a special occasion.
ERIC
I think we should do that thing for
Turtle.
Motioning to Vince to ask Ari a question.
ERIC (CONT’D)
I think he would appreciate it.
VINCE
You’re right.
Looks at Ari.
VINCE
Ari...we need your help with
something.
ARI
Name it. Anything.
Vince, Eric, Ari leave the parking lot in their cars.
ARI
I know it is Turtle’s birthday, but
what they hell? We have shared many
good times, and some I might like
to forget. Through all of it, I
have never stopped caring, never
stopped lovin’. I am so proud of
you. Happy too, but more than
anything, proud. You made a great
decision today, and thank you for
allowing me to be a part of it.
Ari is tearing up a bit.
ARI (CONT’D)
Thank you for believing in me, and
for listening to me. I always knew
we could do something great, and
now we are.
Looking at Mrs. Ari as she looks back with a tear in her
eye, and smiling in support.
ARI (CONT’D)
I knew that eventually we’d get
here. We are here. Hug it out. You
too, E. Come here you little shit.
Motions to Eric to give him a man hug. Eric hugs Ari back.
ARI (CONT’D)
Sorry, Turtle, didn’t mean to take
anything away from your birthday.
TURTLE
Today is a celebration for all.
Have at it.
A very nice looking waitress arrives with more drinks.
VINCE
Thank you, Ari.
ARI
No need to say anything, Vince.
DRAMA
Enough! Enough! No more of that
sappy shit. It is time.
Motioning to Turtle.
22.
TURTLE
Time for what?
DRAMA
You know.
Pointing to Turtle’s arm with the tattoo on it.
DRAMA (CONT’D)
Show it!
ERIC
Yeah, Turtle, got to show us
sometime.
TURTLE
In time, in time. Don’t say
anything Drama!
DRAMA
I won’t, it is your day, Bro!
JAMIE-LYNN
Come on, Turtle...we are dying to
see it!
Jamie-Lynn leans over and give Turtle a kiss.
VINCE
Come on Turtle. Show us, you cannot
hide it forever.
TURTLE
All right, all right!
Turtle lifts up his sleeve and reveals his tattoo, everyone
looks at his arm to see what else, a Turtle, done as
Japanese Amine.
VINCE
That is very cool, Turtle!
ERIC
Nice.
TURTLE
Thanks, I like it, and it didn’t
even hurt that badly!
JAMIE-LYNN
Happy birthday, Baby!
Jamie hands Turtle a box.
23.
TURTLE
You didn’t have to, the tattoo was
good enough.
JAMIE-LYNN
Open it.
TURTLE
This is too good, how the?
Turtle opens the box to find to a pair of rare sneakers
paint-brushed with the exact tattoo from his arm.
JAMIE-LYNN
I took the sneakers to Kat the
other day, and told her when she
was done with your tattoo, I wanted
her to do the same design on these.
TURTLE
You are amazing, come here!
Turtle kisses Jamie-Lynn.
VINCE
We decided that this year, Drama,
E, and, yes even Ari would get you
something really special.
TURTLE
What is it? A Ferrari, my own
helicopter, I bet it is a trip to
Amsterdam!
VINCE
Close your eyes Turtle!
Turtle closes his eyes as Vince motions towards the other
side of the restaurant.
VINCE (CONT’D)
All you could talk about all day is
that radio show you listen to. It
turns out that Ari has a client who
happens to have a vested interest
in a horse at LITTLE RED FEATHER
RACING. Jim Rome, your hero,
happens to be an owner at Little
Red Feather racing?
Turtle opens his eyes to see the XR4Ti CREW; MR. AUTOMATIC
himself JASON STEWART, ALVIN DELLORO, TRAVIS ROGERS, KYLE
BRANDT, and Jim Rome.
24.
JIM ROME
Turtle, nice to meet you. I hear it
is your birthday.
TURTLE
Yes it is! Nice to meet you, all of
you!
JIM ROME
I am told your a fan of the Smack
Off and the show.
TURTLE
A fan, I am a CLONE, through and
through! Never miss it. Loved this
year’s Smack Off! Best one yet.
JIM ROME
I am glad to hear you say that. You
have some pretty special friends
here. I have another birthday gift
for you. How would you like to host
the next time I am in the basement?
TURTLE
Really.. Are you serious?
JIM ROME
I would love to have you. You have
game, Turtle?
TURTLE
Shit? Do I have game? You going on
vacation anytime soon?
JIM ROME
Soon Turtle. You know I take a lot
of vacation.
TURTLE
That’s great! This is great! Rome,
you and the crew have to have a
drink with us.
JIM ROME
What the hell... I think this
qualifies as a Sapphire moment.
Motions towards the hot waitress.
HOT WAITRESS
What can I get you?
25.
TURTLE
Ten Bombay’s and Ton...Fuck it!
Bring us a bottle.
The hot waitress brings over the bottle of Sapphire. Turtle
pours everyone a glass, looks at Jim Rome and the X4Ti Crew,
Jamie-Lynn, and finally, his boys. As they toast, Turtle has
just a few more words to say about his birthday.
TURTLE (CONT’D)
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK
YOU...It is going to be a great
fucking year!
We leave looking over the restaurant as The Entourage and
guests, are having a good time and enjoying the rewards of a
great day and a great life.
FADE OUT.
THE END