Tips on Effective Listening

"We were given two ears but only one mouth, because listening is twice as hard as talking."

Brief Theory of Communication

Expressing our wants, feelings, thoughts and opinions clearly and effectively is only half of the
communication process needed for interpersonal effectiveness. The other half is listening and understanding
what others communicate to us. When a person decides to communicate with another person, he/she does so
to fulfill a need. The person wants something, feels discomfort, and/or has feelings or thoughts about
something. In deciding to communicate, the person selects the method or code which he/she believes will
effectively deliver the message to the other person. The code used to send the message can be either verbal or
nonverbal. When the other person receives the coded message, they go through the process of decoding or
interpreting it into understanding and meaning. Effective communication exists between two people when the
receiver interprets and understands the sender’s message in the same way the sender intended it.

Sources of Difficulty by the Speaker

Voice volume too low to be heard.

Making the message too complex, either by including too many unnecessary details or too many issues.
Getting lost, forgetting your point or the purpose of the interaction.
Body language or nonverbal elements contradicting or interfering with the verbal message, such as
smiling when anger or hurt is being expressed.
Paying too much attention to how the other person is taking the message, or how the person might react.
Using a very unique code or unconventional method for delivering the message.

Sources of Difficulty by the Listener

Being preoccupied and not listening.

Being so interested in what you have to say that you listen mainly to find an opening to get the floor.
Formulating and listening to your own rebuttal to what the speaker is saying.
Listening to your own personal beliefs about what is being said.
Evaluating and making judgments about the speaker or the message.
Not asking for clarification when you know that you do not understand.

The Three Basic Listening Modes

1. Competitive or Combative Listening happens when we are more interested in promoting our
own point of view than in understanding or exploring someone else’s view. We either listen for
openings to take the floor, or for flaws or weak points we can attack. As we pretend to pay
attention we are impatiently waiting for an opening, or internally formulating our rebuttal and
planning our devastating comeback that will destroy their argument and make us the victor.
2. In Passive or Attentive Listening we are genuinely interested in hearing and understanding the
other person’s point of view. We are attentive and passively listen. We assume that we heard and
understand correctly. but stay passive and do not verify it.
3. Active or Reflective Listening is the single most useful and important listening skill. In active
listening we are also genuinely interested in understanding what the other person is thinking,
feeling, wanting or what the message means, and we are active in checking out our understanding
before we respond with our own new message. We restate or paraphrase our understanding of
their message and reflect it back to the sender for verification. This verification or feedback
process is what distinguishes active listening and makes it effective.

Levels of Communication

Listening effectively is difficult because people vary in their communication skills and in how clearly they
express themselves, and often have different needs, wants and purposes for interacting. The different types of
interaction or levels of communication also adds to the difficulty. The four different types or levels are.

1. Clichés.
2. Facts.
3. Thoughts and beliefs.
 4. Feelings and emotions.

As a listener we attend to the level that we think is most important. Failing to recognize the level most
relevant and important to the speaker can lead to a kind of crossed wires where the two people are not on the
same wavelength. The purpose of the contact and the nature of our relationship with the person will usually
determine what level or levels are appropriate and important for the particular interaction. Note the different
requirements in the following situations:

You’re lost, and you ask a stranger for directions.

Your child comes to you crying.
You are in trouble and someone offers to help.
Your spouse is being affectionate and playful.
Opposing council is cross-examining you in court.

If we don’t address the appropriate elements we will not be very effective, and can actually make the
situation worse. For example: If your wife is telling you about her hurt feelings and you focus on the facts of
the situation and don’t acknowledge her feelings, she will likely become even more upset.

There is a real distinction between merely hearing the words and really listening for the message. When we
listen effectively we understand what the person is thinking and/or feeling from the other person’s own
perspective. It is as if we were standing in the other person’s shoes, seeing through his/her eyes and listening
through the person's ears. Our own viewpoint may be different and we may not necessarily agree with the
person, but as we listen, we understand from the other's perspective. To listen effectively, we must be
actively involved in the communication process, and not just listening passively.

We all act and respond on the basis of our understanding, and too often there is a misunderstanding that
neither of us is aware of. With active listening, if a misunderstanding has occurred, it will be known
immediately, and the communication can be clarified before any further misunderstanding occurs.

Several other possible benefits occur with active listening:

Sometimes a person just needs to be heard and acknowledged before the person is willing to consider an
alternative or soften his /her position.
It is often easier for a person to listen to and consider the other’s position when that person knows the
other is listening and considering his/her position.
It helps people to spot the flaws in their reasoning when they hear it played back without criticism.
It also helps identify areas of agreement so the areas of disagreement are put in perspective and are
diminished rather than magnified.
Reflecting back what we hear each other say helps give each a chance to become aware of the different
levels that are going on below the surface. This helps to bring things into the open where they can be more
readily resolved.
If we accurately understand the other person’s view, we can be more effective in helping the person see
the flaws in his/her position.
If we listen so we can accurately understand the other’s view, we can also be more effective in
discovering the flaws in our own position.

Listening Tips

Usually it is important to paraphrase and use your own words in verbalizing your understanding of the
message. Parroting back the words verbatim is annoying and does not ensure accurate understanding of
the message.
Depending on the purpose of the interaction and your understanding of what is relevant, you could reflect
back the other persons:

1. Account of the facts.

2. Thoughts and beliefs.
3. Feelings and emotions.
4. Wants, needs or motivation.

5. Hopes and expectations.

Don’t respond to just the meaning of the words, look for the feelings or intent beyond the words. The
dictionary or surface meaning of the words or code used by the sender is not the message.
Inhibit your impulse to immediately answer questions. The code may be in the form of a question.
Sometimes people ask questions when they really want to express themselves and are not open to hearing
 an answer.
Know when to quit using active listening. Once you accurately understand the sender’s message, it may be
appropriate to respond with your own message. Don’t use active listening to hide and avoid revealing your
own position.
If you are confused and know you do not understand, either tell the person you don’t understand and ask
him/her to say it another way, or use your best guess. If you are incorrect, the person will realize it and
will likely attempt to correct your misunderstanding.
Active listening is a very effective first response when the other person is angry, hurt or expressing
difficult feelings toward you, especially in relationships that are important to you.
Use eye contact and listening body language. Avoid looking at your watch or at other people or activities
around the room. Face and lean toward the speaker and nod your head, as it is appropriate. Be careful
about crossing your arms and appearing closed or critical.
Be empathic and nonjudgmental. You can be accepting and respectful of the person and their feelings and
beliefs without invalidating or giving up your own position, or without agreeing with the accuracy and
validity of their view.

Become a more effective listener. Practice the active listening technique and make it one of your
communication skills.

Types of Listening

Informative Listening

Informative listening is the name we give to the situation where the listener’s primary concern is
to understand the message. Listeners are successful insofar as the meaning they assign to
messages is as close as possible to that which the sender intended.

Informative listening, or listening to understand, is found in all areas of our lives. Much of our
learning comes from informative listening. For example, we listen to lectures or instructions from
teachers—and what we learn depends on how well we listen. In the workplace, we listen to
understand new practices or procedures—and how well we perform depends on how well we
listen. We listen to instructions, briefings, reports, and speeches; if we listen poorly, we aren’t
equipped with the information we need.

At times, careful informative listening is crucial—remember the aircraft landing report in chapter
1. At other times, careless listening results in only aggravation or misunderstanding—remember
my misunderstanding of my daughter, Missy, as presented in chapter 2. Whatever the case,
effective informative listening demands that you concentrate squarely on the message—and
know its source.

There are three key variables related to informative listening. Knowing these variables can help
you begin to improve your informative listening skills; that is, you will become increasingly
successful in understanding what the speaker means.

1. Vocabulary. The precise relationship between vocabulary and listening has never been
determined, but it is clear that increasing your vocabulary will increase your potential for better
understanding. And it’s never too late to improve your vocabulary. Having a genuine interest in
words and language, making a conscious effort to learn new words, breaking down unfamiliar
words into their component parts—all these things will help you improve your vocabulary.

Another good way to improve your vocabulary is to be sensitive to the context in which words
are used. Sometimes, unfamiliar words appear with synonyms: Her attractive, winsome
personality won us over. At other times, a contrast is drawn: He is usually quite energetic, but
today he seemed lethargic. Occasionally, an unfamiliar word is used to summarize a situation or
quality: He passed for over 200 yards, ran for 50 more, and his three punts averaged over 45
yards; he turned in a stellar performance.

Look for these and other contextual clues to help you learn new words and improve your
vocabulary.
2. Concentration. Concentration is difficult. You can remember times when another person was
not concentrating on what you were saying—and you probably can remember times when you
were not concentrating on something that someone was saying to you.

Some years ago my oldest daughter, Teri, interrupted my reading of the newspaper to ask, “Is it
OK if I take your car over to a friend’s house to spend the night? I’ll be home before you go to
work in the morning.” Without concentrating on what she was asking, I said, “Sure, go ahead.”
Several minutes later, I realized what she had said. She was not coming home that night, and I
had to leave the house earlier than usual the next morning. I had to drive from Montgomery to
Mobile, where I was to give a speech—and all my notes and visual aids were in my automobile.
Fortunately for me, Teri had left the telephone number of her friend, and I was able to retrieve
my automobile.

There are many reasons people don’t concentrate when listening. Sometimes listeners try to
divide their attention between two competing stimuli. At other times, listeners are preoccupied
with something other than the speaker of the moment. Sometimes listeners are too ego-involved,
or too concerned with their own needs to concentrate on the message being delivered. Or perhaps
they lack curiosity, energy, or interest. Many people simply have not learned to concentrate while
listening. Others just refuse to discipline themselves, lacking the motivation to accept
responsibility for good listening. Concentration requires discipline, motivation, and acceptance of
responsibility.

3. Memory. Memory is an especially crucial variable to informative listening; you cannot process
information without bringing memory into play. More specifically, memory helps your
informative listening in three ways.

a. It allows you to recall experiences and information necessary to function in the world around
you. In other words, without memory you would have no knowledge bank.

b. It establishes expectations concerning what you will encounter. You would be unable to drive
in heavy traffic, react to new situations, or make common decisions in life without memory of
your past experiences.

c. It allows you to understand what others say. Without simple memory of the meaning of words,
you could not communicate with anyone else. Without memory of concepts and ideas, you could
not understand the meaning of messages.

Relationship Listening

The purpose of relationship listening is either to help an individual or to improve the relationship
between people. Therapeutic listening is a special type of relationship listening. Therapeutic
listening brings to mind situations where counselors, medical personnel, or other professionals
allow a troubled person to talk through a problem. But it can also be used when you listen to
friends or acquaintances and allow them to “get things off their chests.” Although relationship
listening requires you to listen for information, the emphasis is on understanding the other
person. Three behaviors are key to effective relationship listening: attending, supporting, and
empathizing.

1. Attending. Much has been said about the importance of “paying attention,” or “attending”
behavior. In relationship listening, attending behaviors indicate that the listener is focusing on the
speaker. Nonverbal cues are crucial in relationship listening; that is, your nonverbal behavior
indicates that you are attending to the speaker— or that you aren’t!

Eye contact is one of the most important attending behaviors. Looking appropriately and
comfortably at the speaker sends a message that is different from that sent by a frequent shift of
gaze, staring, or looking around the room. Body positioning communicates acceptance or lack of
it. Leaning forward, toward the speaker, demonstrates interest; leaning away communicates lack
of interest. Head nods, smiles, frowns, and vocalized cues such as “uh huh,” “I see,” or “yes”—
all are positive attending behaviors. A pleasant tone of voice, gentle touching, and concern for
the other person’s comfort are other attending behaviors.

2. Supporting. Many responses have a negative or nonsupportive effect; for example, interrupting
the speaker, changing the subject, turning the conversation toward yourself, and demonstrating a
lack of concern for the other person. Giving advice, attempting to manipulate the conversation, or
indicating that you consider yourself superior are other behaviors that will have an adverse effect
on the relationship.

Sometimes the best response is silence. The speaker may need a “sounding board,” not a
“resounding board.” Wise relationship listeners know when to talk and when to just listen—and
they generally listen more than they talk.

Three characteristics describe supportive listeners: (1) discretion—being careful about what they
say and do; (2) belief—expressing confidence in the ability of the other person; and (3) patience
—being willing to give others the time they need to express themselves adequately.

3. Empathizing. What is empathy? It is not sympathy, which is a feeling for or about another. Nor
is it apathy, which is a lack of feeling. Empathy is feeling and thinking with another person. The
caring, empathic listener is able to go into the world of another—to see as the other sees, hear as
the other hears, and feel as the other feels.

Obviously, the person who has had more experience and lived longer stands a better chance of
being an effective empathic listener. The person who has never been divorced, lost a child to
death, been bankrupt, or lost a job may have a more difficult time relating to people with these
problems than one who has experienced such things.

Risk is involved with being an empathic relationship listener. You cannot be an effective
empathic listener without becoming involved, which sometimes means learning more than you
really want to know. But commanders can’t command effectively, bosses can’t supervise
skillfully, and individuals can’t relate interpersonally without empathy. Abraham Lincoln is
reported to have said, “I feel sorry for the man who cannot feel the stripes upon the back of
another.” Truly, those who cannot feel with another person are at a disadvantage in understanding
that person.

Empathic behavior can be learned. First, you must learn as much as you can about the other
person. Second, you must accept the other person—even if you can’t accept some aspects of that
person’s behavior. Third, you must have the desire to be an empathic listener. And you must
remember that empathy is crucial to effective relationship listening.

Appreciative Listening

Appreciative listening includes listening to music for enjoyment, to speakers because you like
their style, to your choices in theater, television, radio, or film. It is the response of the listener,
not the source of the message, that defines appreciative listening. That which provides
appreciative listening for one person may provide something else for another. For example, hard
rock music is not a source of appreciative listening for me. I would rather listen to gospel,
country, jazz, or the “golden oldies.”

The quality of appreciative listening depends in large part on three factors: presentation,
perception, and previous experience.

1. Presentation. I just mentioned that I prefer gospel music to hard rock. But I don’t enjoy all
gospel. For example, I don’t enjoy gospel music when it is presented in a “glitzy” setting—or
when it is performed by someone who fails to demonstrate an understanding of the music’s
meaning. (I might add that I don’t usually enjoy gospel when it is off-key or poorly done—but
there are exceptions, such as the time I heard a 103-year-old man sing “Amazing Grace.” Never
have I enjoyed it more!)

I enjoy gospel music when I hear it in the little churches of rural Alabama. I also enjoy it when it
is presented in the large church I attend in Montgomery. I also very much enjoy presentations of
gospel music on radio, on television, or in concert by well-known performers who understand its
meaning.

I enjoy hearing good speakers, speakers whom I admire, and speakers who have expertise. I
frequently attend lectures at Air University by speakers who have all three of these
characteristics. Among the speakers I have heard there recently: General Charles “Chuck”
Horner, the air component commander of Desert Storm—a war dominated by airpower; Deputy
Secretary of Defense, Dr John White; former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General
Colin Powell; and US Ambassador to the UN, Jeanne Kirkpatrick. I have heard many other
outstanding speakers at Air University, of course—these four simply came to mind readily as
examples of speakers who had all three of the characteristics mentioned above: all were good
speakers; all had my admiration; and all had a great deal of expertise.

Presentation encompasses many factors: the medium, the setting, the style and personality of the
presenter, to name just a few. Sometimes it is our perception of the presentation, rather than the
actual presentation, that most influences our listening pleasure or displeasure. Perception is an
important factor in appreciative listening.

2. Perception. For years, I did not care to listen to jazz music. I had always believed that people
like me—from a conservative rural midwestern background—wouldn’t like jazz. Then I started
to work for a new boss—a general officer who enjoyed jazz. I admired him very much. My mind
was now open to listen to jazz. My perception was changing, and I began to enjoy jazz music.

Expectations play a large role in perception. If I attend

a concert under duress with no expectation of enjoying
the music (perhaps my wife insists that I attend, or my
position in the community makes it the thing to do), I
may be pleasantly surprised. But I stand a lot better
chance of enjoying the concert if I expect to enjoy it.

Perceptions—and the expectations that drive them—

have their basis in attitudes. Our attitudes determine
how we react to, and interact with, the world around
us. There was a time, not many years ago, when I did
not want a personal computer (PC) in my office. I did
not want to even be around a PC. I did not enjoy
working with computers.

Six years ago, I wrote a book called Speaking Effectively: A Guide for Air Force Speakers.* The
book you are now reading is a companion volume to that one. I wrote the first book in longhand;
I’m composing this one on my PC. Fortunately for me, my attitude toward computers has
changed. If my attitude had changed six years sooner, I could have written the earlier book in less
time—and saved both time and effort for the publisher.

__________
*John A. Kline, Speaking Effectively (Maxwell AFB, Ala.: Air University Press, 1989).

Perceptions influence all areas of our lives. Certainly, they are crucial determinants as to whether
or not we enjoy or appreciate the things we listen to. Obviously, perceptions also determine what
we listen to in the first place. As we said earlier, listening is selective.
3. Previous experience. The discussion of perception makes it clear that previous experience
influences whether we enjoy listening to something. In some cases, we enjoy listening to things
because we are experts in the area. Sometimes, however, expertise or previous experience
prevents us from enjoying a presentation because we are too sensitive to imperfections. Previous
experience plays a large role in appreciative listening.

Many people enjoy the sounds of large-city traffic. Perhaps their growing up in a large city was a
happy experience for them. The blare of horns honking, the sound of roaring engines
accelerating, even the shrill shriek of sirens piercing the air—all these things may remind them of
pleasant times in their lives. They appreciate hearing these sounds.

Others, having grown up on a farm or in a small town, have learned to enjoy the sounds of
nature. For them, a walk in the country produces sounds of enjoyment: the rustle of leaves in the
breeze, the song of a robin, the babble of a brook.

Usually, if we associate a sound or other experience with pleasant memories, then we appreciate
or enjoy it. However, if the sound or experience is associated with unpleasant memories, we
probably will not appreciate or enjoy it.

But we can change! Let’s return to the example of how

I learned to enjoy listening to jazz. I did not enjoy jazz
music when I first heard it. Then I worked for a man
who enjoyed it. More than once when we were TDY, I
sat with him in the evenings listening to jazz combos
or jazz pianists . . . and I learned to like jazz. We
should not shut our minds to the fact that we can learn
to like, enjoy, and appreciate new and different things.
We can learn to be better appreciative listeners.

Critical Listening

The ability to listen critically is essential in a

democracy. On the job, in the community, at service
clubs, in places of worship, in the family—there is practically no place you can go where critical
listening is unimportant. Politicians, the media, salesmen, advocates of policies and procedures,
and our own financial, emotional, intellectual, physical, and spiritual needs require us to place a
premium on critical listening and the thinking that accompanies it.

The subject of critical listening deserves much more attention than we can afford it here. But
there are three things to keep in mind. These three things were outlined by Aristotle, the classical
Greek rhetorician, more than 2,000 years ago in his treatise, The Rhetoric.* They are as follows:
ethos, or speaker credibility; logos, or logical arguments; and pathos, or psychological appeals.

__________
*Aristotle, Art of Rhetoric (NEW YORK: Viking Penguin, 1992).

1. Ethos. Credibility of the speaker is important. The two critical factors of speaker credibility are
expertness and trustworthiness. A speaker may be expert or competent and still not be
trustworthy. For example, an autocratic dictator of a certain third world country might be an
expert on the question of his country’s possession of nuclear arms; but I would not trust him to
tell me. On the other hand a person might be trustworthy, but not be an expert on the subject. I
trust my best friend; he would tell me the truth about nuclear arms in that third world country, if
he knew and I asked him. But his information would be of questionable validity since he is
simply not an expert in such things.

When listening to a message that requires a critical judgment or response, ask yourself, “Is the
speaker a credible source, one who is both an expert on the subject and one who can be trusted to
be honest, unbiased, straightforward?” Remember that a person may have personality or
charisma. But these do not take the place of credibility. A person may even be highly competent
and an expert in one area and simply not be informed in another.

Returning to the example of speakers at Air University, I trust General Horner. He is an expert on
the use of airpower, and he is trustworthy. I listen intently when he speaks on the subject. But I
would not expect him to be an expert on buying used cars, knitting, or nutrition. He may be an
expert on any or all of these things, but I would want to “check it out” before I put too much
stock in his ideas on these subjects.

Effective critical listening requires careful judgment about the expertness and trustworthiness of
the speaker. In fact, ethos or speaker credibility may be the most important single factor in
critical listening and thinking. However, ethos without logos is not enough.

2. Logos. Even speakers with high ethos often make errors in logic, not by intention, but by
accident, carelessness, inattention to detail, or lack of analysis. Critical listeners have a right to
expect well supported arguments from speakers, arguments that contain both true propositions
and valid inferences or conclusions.

When evaluating arguments, listeners should ask several questions about the proposition or
statements made:

a. Are the statements true?

b. Are the data the best that can be obtained?

c. Are the sources of the data known to the listeners? In other words do listeners know where the
information came from?

d. Is the data accurately portrayed?

e. Is the data representative? That is, would all the data, or at least a preponderance of it show the
same thing?

The above questions may all be answered to your satisfaction, yet the logic may be faulty. For
perhaps the data do not lead to or justify the inferences or conclusions drawn. Listeners should
ask themselves the following questions:

a. Is the conclusion a certainty or are exceptions possible?

b. Were all cause-effect relationships established beyond doubt?

c. Does the data justify the inference drawn or the conclusion given?

d. Does the inference or conclusion “follow” from the data, or is there a non sequitur, which
means literally, “it does not necessarily follow”?

e. Is there evidence of strong logical thinking by the speaker?*

__________
*In Speaking Effectively (Maxwell AFB, Ala.: Air University Press, 1989), I discuss the concept
of logical thinking in more detail than is given here.

Both ethos and logos are crucial elements of critical listening. But reliance on just these two
elements without consideration of pathos would be akin to attempting to sit on a three-legged
stool with one leg missing. Pathos is the third leg.

3. Pathos. The psychological or emotional element of communication is often misunderstood and

misused. Simply said, speakers often use psychological appeals to gain an emotional response
from listeners. Effective critical listeners carefully determine the focus of the speaker’s message.

Speakers may appeal to any one or several needs, desires, or values that are important to us
including: adventure, thrift, curiosity, fear, creativity, companionship, guilt, independence,
loyalty, power, pride, sympathy, altruism. There are many others, of course; the list is a long one.

There are several questions critical listeners should ask themselves when assessing the pathos
element:

a. Is the speaker attempting to manipulate rather than persuade me?

b. What is the speaker’s intent?

c. Is the speaker combining logos with pathos?

d. Am I responding merely to the pathos?

e. Next week or next year will I be satisfied with the decision I am making today?

Effective critical listening depends on the listener keeping all three elements of the message in
the analysis and in perspective: ethos, or source credibility; logos, or logical argument; and
pathos, or psychological appeals.

Discriminative Listening

The final type of listening is discriminative listening. It may be the most important type, for it is
basic to the other four. By being sensitive to changes in the speaker’s rate, volume, force, pitch,
and emphasis, the informative listener can detect even nuances of difference in meaning. By
sensing the impact of certain responses, such as “uh huh,” or “I see,” relationship listening can be
strengthened. Detection of differences between sounds made by certain instruments in the
orchestra, or parts sung by the a cappella vocal group, enhances appreciative listening. Finally,
sensitivity to pauses, and other vocal and nonverbal cues, allows critical listeners to more
accurately judge not only the speaker’s message, but his intentions as well.

Obviously, many people have good discriminatory listening ability in some areas but not in
others. Our middle daughter, Nanette, has always been very adept at picking up minute
differences in a person’s voice that might signal feelings. She has a gift for discriminating and
applying what she hears to relationship listening. But her ability to discriminate among the
different sounds that come from an automobile engine is practically nil. One weekend she pulled
into the driveway, fan belt squealing. I said, “Nanette, can’t you hear that? You’re wearing out a
belt. You’re lucky you got home.” “Oh that,” she said. “I wondered what that was. I had no
idea.”

Although discriminative listening cuts across the other four types of listening, there are three
things to consider about this type of listening.

1. Hearing ability. Obviously, people who lack the ability to hear well will have greater difficulty
in discriminating among sounds. Often this problem is more acute for some frequencies, or
pitches, than others. For example, a person may be less able to discriminate when the sound is
Active listening
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search

Active listening is a communication technique that requires the listener to understand, interpret, and evaluate what he hears. The ability to listen
actively can improve personal relationships through reducing conflicts, strengthening cooperation, and fostering understanding.

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to others, focusing attention on the speaker. Suspending one’s own frame of reference, suspending judgment and avoiding other internal mental
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Contents
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Takes Be a Commander,” Air Force Times, 17 October 1994, 41.

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feelings. The way they are said, or the way the speaker acts, may be the key to understanding the
true or intended meaning.
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(“You aretoquite
seem different.
feel angry,” The next
or “You seemchapter will giveisyou
to feel frustrated, thatguidelines
because…?”). for better listening. It
will also tell you which skills are especially critical for each type of listening.
Individuals in conflict often contradict each other. This has the effect of denying the validity of the other person’s position. Either party may react
defensively, and they may lash out or withdraw. On the other hand, if one finds that the other party understands, an atmosphere of cooperation can be
created. This increases the possibility of collaborating and resolving the conflict.

In the book Leader Effectiveness Training, Thomas Gordon, who coined the term "active listening",[2] states "Active listening is certainly not complex.
Listeners need only restate, in their own language, their impression of the expression of the sender. ... Still, learning to do Active Listening well is a
rather difficult task..."[3]

A four step process (termed "Nonviolent Communication" or "NVC")—conceived by Marshall Rosenberg—can help facilitate active listening. "When
we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed [and requested] rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our
own compassion. Through its emphasis on deep listening—to ourselves as well as others—NVC fosters respect, attentiveness, and empathy, and
engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart."[4] Rosenberg further clarifies the intricacy of perception and adaptiveness of what he calls "deep
listening" by saying; "While I conveniently refer to NVC as a “process” or “language,” it is possible to express all four pieces of the model without
uttering a single word. The essence of NVC is to be found in our consciousness of these four components, not in the actual words that are
exchanged."[5]

[edit] Use

Active listening is used in a wide variety of situations, including public interest advocacy, community organizing, tutoring,[6] medical workers talking
to patients,[7] HIV counseling,[8] helping suicidal persons,[9] management,[10] counseling and journalistic settings. In groups it may aid in reaching
consensus. It may also be used in casual conversation to build understanding, though this can be interpreted as condescending.

A listener can use several degrees of active listening, each resulting in a different quality of communication. The Active Listening Chart below shows
the three main degrees of listening: Repeating, Paraphrasing and Reflecting.
Your success as a leader depends critically on your ability to listen. The majority of information that you
use for your decision-making comes from listening. Building rapport, supporting your team, the process of
being a leader all comes from listening. It has been said that the key to leadership is to understand and then
be understood. In other words, to be a good communicator you first have to learn how to understand and
that is listening. It's very hard to get your point of view across if you don't listen first. How many times
have you wished that the person with whom you're communicating, would listen. Here are seven principles
of good listening that are used by every effective leader.

Number one. Stop talking. Let the speaker finish. Even when you are in a very familiar situation, stop
talking and listen.

Number two. Relax. All the research clearly shows that when you are relaxed you are a much better
listener. If you are tense and stressed or nervous then your listening skills diminish.

Number three. Show the person you are listening. This simple tactic puts them at ease. Small gestures
such as nodding your head, eye contact, leaning forward and making affirmative sounds all help to show
the person that you're listening. Give the speaker your undivided attention.

Number four. Your objective in this communication is to understand what the person is saying, not to
disagree with every point. There is no point starting an argument if your objective is to listen.

Number five. The awake to the possibility that your personal prejudices may hinder your listening ability.
It is very difficult sometimes to evaluate the person rather than what they are saying. However, to ensure
good listening you must suppress your personal views and prejudices when you are attempting to find out
about others.

Number six. Listen with empathy. Try and put yourself in the other person's position. If you are that
person what would it mean to you if you were saying the same thing? How important would it be? How
would it affect you?

Number seven. It's important to remember that when people speak or talk about something, they often
leave bits out. So you have to be alert to what the person is saying but also work out what the person is not
saying. Ask yourself, why would you, if you were speaking, leave out the bits the other person has left out?
It's all about putting yourself in the other person's position and trying to feel what they are feeling.

Effective listening is one of the most important leadership skills because without it, leaders cannot function
very well.

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