Deep Thoughts

1-
We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things get worse.

2-
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

3-
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

4-
There are 3 types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.

5-
Think of a number.
Multiply it by 3.
Now add 5.
Take away the number you first thought of.
Now add 7.
Subtract 2.
Add back the number you first thought of.
Now, close your eyes.

Dark, isn't it?

6-
Reasons not to exercise
It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to
your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a
nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97
years old and we don't know where she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing
again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last but not least:
I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

7-
A woman told her husband that her credit card had been stolen but he decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less than she did.

8-
HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER - LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW

9-
When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off,
remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and tell them to
fuck off.

10-
The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this: You're a Siamese twin and
your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay and you are not. But you only have
the one asshole. Feel better?

11-
We're all familiar with The Darwin Awards. Next come the Stella Awards, named after
Stella Leibeck who suffered third degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after
spilling a cup of McDonalds coffee on herself. She was driving at the time. Celebrate, if
you will, America's most frivolous lawsuits:
1. Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury after breaking
her ankle falling over a child who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners
were surprised by the verdict, considering that the misbehaving little bastard was Mrs
Robertson's son.
2. 19 year old Carl Truman of LA won $74,000 and medical expenses when his
neighbour ran over his hand in a Honda Accord. Mr.Truman hadn't noticed that there was
anyone at the wheel of the vehicle before trying to steal the hub-caps.
3. Terrence Dickinson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he has just finished
robbing by way of the garage. He was unable to open the garage door from inside, and
the door back into the house had locked shut behind him. The house owners were on
vacation. Mr Dickinson found himself locked in the garage for eight days with just two
bottle of Pepsi and a bag of dog biscuits to live on. He sued the homeowner, and received
half a million dollars for undue mental anguish.
4. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses
after being bitten on the buttocks by a beagle. The beagle was chained up in it's owners
yard. The award was a little less than first thought, given that the jury agreed that Mr
Williams had provoked the dog by shooting it repeatedly with an air gun.
5.A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster $113,000
after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was only on the
floor because Ms Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an
argument.
6.Kara Walton of Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club after she fell from
the bathroom window and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms
Walton was trying to sneak out and avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was
awarded $12, 000 and dental expenses.
And the winner is: Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma purchased a brand new 32 foot
Winnebago motor home. Upon leaving the dealership, he pulled onto the freeway, set the
cruise control at 70mph and calmly made his way into the back to make himself a cup of
coffee. Not surprisingly, the vehicle left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr
Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually
do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 and a new Winnie. Winnebago actually changed
their handbooks in case another complete moron decided to buy one of their vehicles.

12-
Real Quotes
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
-- Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport
for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
-- Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never
forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense
of humour)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through
his wallet."
-- Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time
of the month that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in
front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women
are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-- Robert DE Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having
allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's
the problem?"
-- Dustin Hoffman
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just
give her a house."
-- Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood
to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams

13-
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't
smart enough to get out of jury duty.

14-
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
**************
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
*************
Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
**************
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them
***************
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
**************
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
*****************
Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
***************
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
***************
Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend
**************
Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your workmates are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do

15-
The long term implications of modern drugs must be fully considered:
Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and
Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030
there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections
who can't remember what to do with them.

16-
Some Fun Sex Theories
1. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
2. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
3. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
4. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
5. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
6. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
7. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble
in the garden.
8. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space
program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
9. Love your neighbour, but don't get caught.
10.Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to
convey its full meaning.
11. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
12. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
13. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
14. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
15. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
16. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
17. Never say no.
18. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
19. Love comes in spurts.
20. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are
unimportant.
21. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
22 Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
23. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
24. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
25. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
26. Virginity can be cured.
27. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how
long it is going to last.

17-
Deep Thoughts
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said
if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If the police arrest a mime, does he still have the right to remain silent?
Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

18-
More Real Quotes
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that
money can buy."
Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better
have a good hand."
Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield
“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia
“Sex without love is a meaningless experience...........but as far as meaningless
experiences go it’s the best”
Anon

19-
ADVICE FOR DAILY LIVING
If a pit bull humps your leg you’d better fake an orgasm.
Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear
them speak.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Don’t bother voting. If it could change things, do you really think it would be legal?
If the world didn’t suck we’d all fall off.
It’s bad luck to walk under a bladder.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re a twat.
Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you’ll be right.
The easiest way to find something that’s lost is to buy a replacement.
20-
SUCCESS THROUGH THE AGES
At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is... having friends.
At age 17, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is... having sex.
At age 35, success is... having money.
At age 50, success is... having money.
At age 60, success is... having sex.
At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 90, success is... not peeing in your pants.

21-
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

22-
More Real Quotes
"I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I
took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know."
Franck Dubosc
"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms."
Gary Valentine
(On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never
experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."
Jeff Green
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane : Either you have
diarrhoea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
Rich Jeni
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
Emo Philips
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
Rich Jeni
"Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'"
Jeff Green
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty.
Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well
for themselves."
Emo Philips
23-
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

24-
TOP TIPS
The new "Cindy Crawford Workout Video" is bloody marvellous. I've only had it a
fortnight and I've already got a right arm like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful
of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
A Hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an
unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with
thin strips of bacon.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your
name to match your existing plate. From Mr KVL 74IY
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on
time.
Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room
in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of
oncoming traffic.
Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative to sun-bed
treatments.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the
bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before
jumping in.
Lorry drivers. Make motorway driving more interesting by waiting until a car is
overtaking you before pulling out from the inside lane. This is even more fun when
there are two cars side by side in the two right hand lanes.
If you cannot afford that driving holiday in France this year - simply drive round
Oxfordshire, for 2 weeks, on the wrong side of the road.
Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have
won the Lottery.
International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at
the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base,
or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
American organised crime leaders. Upon capturing the 'A' Team do not under any
circumstances lock them in a shed full of tools and useful scrap materials.
Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the
names and address of people you don't know.
Bomb disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with
plasticine and an old alarm clock.
Save money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping to the door
every two minutes to see if anyone is there.
Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing
outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote
control.
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent
food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
Avoid being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and
locking them safely in the boot until you return.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe'
whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
Make shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their
change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
Men! To convince neighbours that you have a large penis, simply drive a car in and
out of your road, very fast, whilst children play there.
For many years I've kept my legs warm in winter by wearing ladies' tights beneath
my trousers. I've never found it embarrassing, as they make perfectly good - and
economical - leg warmers. As a pensioner, saving money and staying warm are my
priorities. In summer I switch to wearing cooler and more hygienic stockings and
suspenders.
I jog to work behind the bus every day, saving a whopping 96p! However, to save
even more money, you could jog behind a taxi saving a massive *5.60 excluding
tip!!!!
Students: Emphasize your individuality by all wearing the same clothes, having
exactly the same haircuts and not being able to handle your subsidised beer that tax
payers provide.
Fill a Shredded Wheat with pink soap and, hey presto - an inexpensive Brillo pad.
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the
boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time
you have a minor accident.

25-
How come when you open a can of evaporated milk it’s still there?

26-
Squawks
The way all problem reports should be handled...
"Squawks" are problems noted by US Air Force pilots and left for maintenance
crews to fix before the next flight.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and
the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem
(S) = Solution
(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.
(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.
(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.
(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words .
(P) Suspected crack in windscreen
(S) Suspect you're right
(P) Mouse in cockpit
(S) Cat installed

26-
True Story - Australian Police have been totally unable to recommend a prosecution for
the following scam:
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported
hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and
make payments via cheque to ASFP.
After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they
are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their
customers money in the form of a company cheque, using the full company name.
However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to
their banks. The name? The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company
27-
Why is there only one Monopolies commission?

28-
Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller
dancers?

29-
Here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological
texts:
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air.
No one knows your secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the world".
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under the water...
There now.....
feeling better?

30-
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

31-
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

32-
The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.

33-
If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
34-
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their
crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

35-
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

36-
Why does the word "monosyllabic" have 5 syllables?

37-
URGENT - DUDLEY EARTHQUAKE APPEAL
At 00:54 on Monday 23 September, 2002 an earthquake measuring 4.8 on the
Richter scale hit Dudley, UK causing untold disruption and distress -
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fookin ell" and "worra
cunt". The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30.00 worth of
damage.Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish
Costas were damaged beyond repair. Many historic Ford Sierras and Nissan
Bluebirds were blown off their brick plinths. A large number of 3 series BMW's had
their alloy wheels damaged and a quantity of Renault Clio's had there tinted
windows blown out.
* Many were woken well before their giro arrived.
* Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed.
* Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that
something interesting has happened in Dudley.
One resident, Donna-Marie Dutton, a 17 year old mother-of-three said "It was such
a shock, little Chantal-Leanne came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest
two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it. I was still shaking when I
was watching Trisha the next morning."
Another resident, Community worker Royston Akimose, 38, said: "I was 'avin' a
meetin' wiv a business associate, the sky went dark, an, de next fing I know, me
ganja is blown all over 'is Impreza!"
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to
the area to help the stricken masses.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large
quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and jewellery from
Elizabeth Duke at Argos.
HOW YOU CAN HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to
be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed
include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell
suits (female) White sport socks Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in
Poundstretcher.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream and
cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious
compensation claim.
PLEASE ACT NOW, £2.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of
9, £5.00 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those
affected.
£10 can take a family to Stourport for the day, where children can play on an
unspoiled canal bank among the national collection of stinging nettles.
Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the
population of neighbouring areas.
Simply e-mail us by return with your credit card details and we'll do the rest!
If you prefer to donate cash, there are collection points available at your local
branches of Argos, Iceland and Clinton Cards

38-
Newspaper quotes from the BBC Radio 4's "News Quiz":
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a
spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's
possible Mr.Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that blew
his house to pieces." (Bangkok Post)

39-
Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labelled
'for the sick' is for monetary donations only. (Churchtown Parish Magazine)

40-
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man
on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all
too common". (The Times)

41-
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and
asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't
have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover
off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

42-
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers.
When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (Reuters
via The Manchester Evenings News)

43-
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot
issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle, and they don't want the public to
know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

44-
The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply
alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in
your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a
steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately
before he examines you.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets
stuck there.
Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist.
Abdicate - v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Carcinoma - n. A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Bustard - n., a very rude Metrobus driver.
Semantics - n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including
such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
Marionettes - n., residents of Washington D.C. who have been jerked around by the
mayor.

45-
Kids Books You'll Never See
"You Were an Accident"
"How to Dress Sexy for Grownups"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"Bi-Curious George"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Why Mommy Has So Many Boyfriends"
"The Tickling Babysitter"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
"Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear"
"Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share"
"Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption"
"Grandpa Gets a Casket"
"The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator"
"Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way"
"You Were an Accident"
"The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan"
"Your Nightmares Are Real"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things"
"Old Shep the Sheepdog is Put to Sleep"
"Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose"
"A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides"
"Charles Manson Bedtime Stories"
"Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle"
"Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
"Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Clothes"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"Why Your Mom's "Flashlight" Vibrates"
"The Cat That Shat in the Hat: A Kid's Guide to Scatology"
"Chicken Soup for the Kitchen Floor"
"Jacking and Jilling: The Dummy's Guide to Masturbation"
"What The Hell Is Mommy's Problem, Anyway?"
"The Mouse, the Motorcycle, and the Organ Donor Card"
"The Big Book of Things to Put in Your Ear"
"How to Write With Your Wee-Wee"
"What's That Bag For, Grandpa?"
"Harry Potter and the Allegations of Plagiarism"
"Horton Hires A Ho"
"Where the Curly Red Fur Grows"

46-
Expressions For High Stress Days
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?
3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
5. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
6. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
7. Do I look like a fucking people person?
8. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
11. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
12. You! Off my planet !
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
15. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
16. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
17. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
19. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.
20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
23. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
24. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.
25. Allow me to introduce my selves.
26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
28. Better living through denial.
29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
31. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
33. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
34. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
35. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
36. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
37. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
38. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
39. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
40. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
41. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
42. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
43. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
44. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
45. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
46. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
48. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
49. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
50. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
51. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
52. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
53. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
54. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
55. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."
56. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
57. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.
58. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
59. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
60. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
61. This is a mean, fucking cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now!
62. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
63. Earth is full. Go home.
64. Is it time for your medication or mine?
65. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
66. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
67. I plead contemporary insanity.
68. And which dwarf are you?
69. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
70. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
71. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
72. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
73. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
74. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go
75. Gene Police!!! Get out of the pool!!
76. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
77. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
78. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
79. How about never? Is never good for you?
80. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
81. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
82. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
83. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
84. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
85. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
86. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
87. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
88. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
89. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
90. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
91. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
92. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
93. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
94. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
95. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
96. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
97. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
98. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
99. No, my powers can only be used for good.
100. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
101. Who me? I just wander from room to room

47-
Who was the first person to say
"See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its arse".
48-
Just in case we need any additional proof that the "bozo index" is at all time highs (and
going higher), consider these real label instructions on consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: Keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

49-
Classic Put Downs
Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far
up my ass.
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
I bet your mother has a loud bark!
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of
others?
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had
never been used.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be
genocide!
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.

50-
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

51-
Adages for the New Millennium
Live long enough to be a problem to your kids.
Money talks - but all mine ever says is goodbye.
Drag the Joneses down to your level. It's cheaper.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.
Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your Visa.
Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.
Time may be a great healer but it's a lousy beautician.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Never knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play
chess?
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
Life is sexually transmitted.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard, and not enough
chlorine either.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

52-
Dilbert's Rules of Order
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day Tomorrow is not looking
good either.
2 I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they are not there the first time,
chances are you won't be needing them again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where
the heck is the ceiling?
8. My reality check bounced!!!!
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with
experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
16. Don't be irreplaceable-if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did
before.
18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. (...AND
WALK FAST!)
20. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
23. Following the rules will not get the job done.
24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to
the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?

53-
I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still,
When suddenly a tiny bird,
Perched on my window sill,

He sang a song so lovely

So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles,
Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places

Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers,

Crept slowly out of bed,
Then quickly shut the window
And crushed his fucking head.

I'm not a morning person.

54-
Your Health Questions Answered...
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it, don't piss them away on
exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to
live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what
are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of
delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source
of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know,
scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and
vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the
periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? Wine is made from fruit.
Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get
even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! My
advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have
two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.
Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop,
you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're
permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing
sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-
good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and
diets and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other body thoroughly used up, totally
worn out, and screaming - 'WOO HOO! What a Ride!'"

55-
More Real Quotes
"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield
"My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects."
Les Dawson
"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
Woody Allen
"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the
Statue of Liberty."
Woody Allen
"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's
fantastic."
Woody Allen.
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like
being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in
later life."
Emo Philips.
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
Marilyn Pittman
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
Johnny Carson
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
Paul Rodriguez
"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep.
Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."
Author Unknown
56-
Handy Hints
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock, will prevent you from going back to
sleep.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of
sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the
bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping
in.

57-
Dictionary of New Slang.
AEROPLANE BLONDE: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black
box'.
AUSSIE KISS: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
BADLY PACKED KEBAB: A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female
genitalia.
BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze
cruise at 3 in the morning.
BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a
booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you
get there, and where you've come from.
BEER SCOOTER: The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not
remember it i.e." I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught
the beer scooter".
BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch
BREAKING THE SEAL: Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of
drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
BRITNEY SPEARS: Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britneys please"
BRUCE LEE: Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).
BUDGIE'S TONGUE: The female erection.
DOUBLE-BASS: A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from
behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's
Tongue with the other. (The position is similar to that used when playing a double
bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.)
ETCH-A-SKETCH: Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of
her nipples simultaneously.
GOING FOR A MCSHIT: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of
buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member,
your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With
Lies.
GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT: A vigorous masturbation session.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS: A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical
adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of
training.
MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive
when viewed from the outside, but there's actually f-all in there worth seeing.
MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!
Oo! Aa! Aa!Aa!".
MUMBLER: An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc.i. e. you can see the 'lips'
moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in
the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the
pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before
you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your
bed instead.
NELSON MANDELA: Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
PEARL HARBOUR: Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl
Harbour" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)
PICASSO ARSE: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like
she's got 4 buttocks.
SALAD DODGER: An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only
to get screwed and die
SWAMP-DONKEY: A deeply unattractive woman.
TART FUEL: Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.
TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around and talking bollocks
TITANIC: A lady who goes down first time out.
TODGER DODGER: A lesbian.
UP ON BLOCKS: Menstruating i. e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e. g.
"I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".
WANK SEANCE: During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being
watched with disgust by your dead relatives.

58-
Thought for the day.
"If sometimes you feel yourself little, useless, offended and depressed, always remember
that part of you was once the fastest and most victorious sperm."
59-
How To Write Good
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations.
Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly
superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?

60-
The Washington Post's Style invitational asked readers to take any word from the
dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new
definition. Here are some winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your
money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone: (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from
penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the
near future.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Cashtration: (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially
impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very, high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is, like, sending off all these really bad vibes,
right? and then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like,a totally serious bummer.
Decaflon: (n.) The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that
are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you
rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit: (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.
Beelzebug: (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the
morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor: (n.) The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole

61-
Tech Support: "Sir, right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. What you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "You told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

62-
Brain Teaser
Three guys in a hotel call room service and order three large Pizzas and six cans of beer.
The delivery boy brings them up with a bill for exactly £30.00.
Each guy gives him a £10.00 note, and he leaves.
When he hands the £30.00 to the cashier, he is told a mistake was made.
The bill was only £25.00, not £30.00. The cashier gives the delivery boy five £1.00 coins
and tells him to take it back to the 3 guys who ordered the pizza.
On the way back to their room, the delivery boy has a thought.
These guys did not give him a tip. He figures that since there is no way to split £5.00
evenly three ways anyhow, he will keep two quid for himself and give them back three
quid.
OK! So far so good!
He knocks on the door and one fellow answers. He explains about a mix up in the bill,
and hands the guy the three quid, and then departs with his two-quid tip in his pocket.
Now the fun begins!
Remember £30 - £25 = £5 - - - - - Right? and £5 - £3 = £2 - - - - - Right?
So what's the problem? All is well, right? Not quite.
Answer this ...... Each of the three guys originally gave £10.00 each.
They each got back £1.00 in change. That means they paid £9.00 each, which times three
is £27.00. The delivery boy kept £2.00 for a tip.
£27.00 plus £2.00 equals £29.00. Where in the world is the other pound?????

63-
Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears ...
Sometimes ... when you are worried ... no one sees your pain ...
Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile ...
But fart just one time...

64-
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons", where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by
:-) and :-( respectively.
Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:
(_!_) = a regular ass
(__!__) = a fat ass
(!) = a tight ass
(_*_) = a sore ass
(_x_) = kiss my ass
(_X_) = leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) = a tired ass
(_o^^o_) = a wise ass
(_E=mc2_) = a smart ass
(_$_) = Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) = Dumb Ass

65-
The Civil Aviation Authority has posted new flying guidelines on airline notice
boards.
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back,
they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then
they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is.
4. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No-one ever collided with sky.
5. A good landing is one from which you can walk away. A great landing is one after
which they can use the plane again.
6. You know you've landed with wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
7. Stay out of clouds. Mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
8. Always try to keep the number of landings equal to the number of take offs.
9. In the continuing battle between aluminum things going hundreds of miles per
hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
10. It's a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

66-
Latest football scores from Spain....
Real Madrid, one, Surreal Madrid, fish.

67-
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends...
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus?
I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first; get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you
get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young
enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready
for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your
last nine months floating. . .and you finish off as an orgasm.

68-
EZ 2 DO - TAX FORM
NEW SIMPLIFIED FORM FOR YEAR 2003
1. HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU MAKE?
2. SEND IT TO US.
Inland Revenue, Central Office, London

69-
"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual
mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people
that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask,
'Specify type of goat.'"
70-
HOW TO SING THE BLUES
If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the why and
wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something
nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something
that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a
good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she
weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way
out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in
Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus
or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the
running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In
Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in
Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard
times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis
and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in
any place that don't get train.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness
is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues.
Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go
outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. The Mall
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old
person, and you slept in it.
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the
Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the
back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance
abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die
during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing
the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
20. Blues Name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore,
etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
21. I don't care how tragic your damned life is: if you own a computer, you cannot sing
the blues, period. Sorry!!!!!
"if it wasn't for real bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all........"

71-
Ten of the Most Idiotic Quotes Ever!
1) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not
live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live
forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would
not live forever."
* Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
2) "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies
and death and stuff."
* Mariah Carey
3) "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions
in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities
between the two, but can't remember what they are."
* Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show
4) "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
* Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-
smoking campaign
5) "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the
country."
* Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
6) "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
* Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
7) "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
* Former French President Charles De Gaulle
8) "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
* Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
9) "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There
were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly
trying to keep it for themselves."
* John Wayne
10) "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
* Lee Iacocca

72-
Moral Maze
Q1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were
deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you
recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one.
Q2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the
three leading candidates:
Candidate A
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two
mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college
and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.
Candidate C He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an
occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolf Hitler
If you said yes to the abortion question...
...you just killed Beethoven.

73-
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain
from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front
panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they
left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With
their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still
attached to the bumper.

74-
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve
the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt
Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum,
had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously
wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he
explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I
tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and
struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a
hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of
intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely
burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a
larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the
gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower
intestinal tract.

75-
"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a dead patient in the
same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free
State, South Africa) told reporters. "There was no apparent cause for any of the
deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for
possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues."
"However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths. It seems
that every Friday morning a cleaner would enter the ward, remove the plug that
powered the patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant
socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would
plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now
dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the
whirring of her polisher.
"We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the
Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an
extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The enquiry is now
closed."

76-
Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest whilst
assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full
wetsuit, complete with a dive tank, flippers and face mask.
A post mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from
massive internal injuries.
Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about determining
how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the
day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast - some 20 kilometers away
from the forest.
The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of
helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid
filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he
was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300m in the air. Apparently, he extinguished
exactly 1.78m (5'10") of the fire.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

77-
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not
only expect you to know your parking location, but how to get there without any
assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that, while visiting the
cockpit aboard a PanAm 747 being piloted by a boyhood chum, I listened to the
following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call
Speedbird 206) after landing....
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."
The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird 206, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground: (with typical Germanic impatience) ... "Speedbird 206, have you never
flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206: (coolly) ... "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."
78-
ROTHERHAM, England, April 7 (Agence France Presse) A gang of thieves who were
ordered to plant daffodil bulbs as part of their community service have seen their revenge
flourish this spring.
The group were told to plant hundreds of bulbs along one of the main roads in
Rotherham, in northern England, last autumn but, when the bulbs sprouted this week, the
blooms spelled out the words "Bollocks" and "Shag" in letters four feet (1.3 meters)
wide.
Residents living on East Bawtry Road, which carries thousands of visitors a day, said
people were coming from miles around to take a look at the flowers.
One, Alan McCue, 48, said: "I can see the funny side but it doesn't really create a good
impression of the town. They planted hundreds of bulbs so we're all a bit worried about
what might come up next."

79-
An outback Aborigine, quoted by a Melbourne radio station, described the solar
eclipse over Australia as:-
Kerosene lamp b’long Jesus gone bugger up.

80-
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates,
Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates
about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the
human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia,
and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more
than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches
and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

81-
More of the Most Idiotic Quotes Ever!
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."
Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party
convention
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay
his taxes.
The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.
Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.
Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
They're multi purpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force
nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I
didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and
water that are doing it.
Former U.S. Vice
President Dan Quayle
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
Frank Rizzo, ex police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board
is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just
the one to do it.
A congressional candidate in Texas
Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam

82-
People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich
women than motorcycle gangs.

83-
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make their announcements a bit
more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane..."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a
member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wings."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the
lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude, so I am going to switch off the
seat belt sign. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane
till we land...it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight
pattern."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice
came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything
has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to
YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of
cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab
the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more
small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to
have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or
your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency
water landing, please take them with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We’ve reached our cruising altitude
now, and I’m turning off the seat belt sign. I’m switching to autopilot, too, so I can
come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area.
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or
adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left
behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave
children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of
the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately, none of them is on this
flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The
flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know
what ya’ll are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the
pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly
windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to
fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and
announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your
seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane
to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to
please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into
the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to
stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for
flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with
a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma’am," said the
pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew
have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire
smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you
can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: "We’d like to thank you folks
for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting
through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US
Airways."

84-
Telemarketers suck big time. Here are some proven ways to rid your life of these
assclowns for good...
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could
sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no
one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my
eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then
ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has
been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they
are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or
questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with
XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you
wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?"
Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out
where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic
tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang
up.
7. If BT calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as
sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat
blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they
get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete
stranger.
10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same
company, and that employees cannot participate.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down,
scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you
their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains
that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want
anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me
neither!" and proceed to hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your
speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and
continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes
is recommended.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring
you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not
wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it
out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

85-
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it
out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I
remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man
answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could
I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could
be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had
transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the
wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung
up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk
drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd
call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer
me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real
disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had
an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi.
This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're
familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone
down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
[Keep reading, it gets better.]
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't
think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to
very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up little more to give her plenty of room to
pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro
came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.
I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here
first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a
jackass, there sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale"
sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for
another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the
phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call
him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the
guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy,
too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is
this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the
car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while
things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two
jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up
on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious
thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello."
I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out
front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your ass."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West
34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.
After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole
thing.
Glorious! Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6
squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

86-
From the Sydney Morning Herald comes this story of a central west couple who drove
their car into a shopping centre only to have their car break down in the car park. The
man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection
she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in
shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything
back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the bonnet and found herself
staring at her husband standing idly by.
The mechanic however had to have three stitches in his head
87-
All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat, though.

88-
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

89-
Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.

90-
I don't have a license to kill but I do have a learner's permit.

91-
He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

92-
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

93-
The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.

94-
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

95-
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
96-
Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

97-
Remember: First you pillage, THEN you burn.

98-
The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats
better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

99-
Life...
I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump.
After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.
The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight,
125 pounds."
While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me.
"Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not a chat room on the Internet."

100-
Dictionary of New Slang.-Part 2
One in the departure lounge - to need to defecate imminently.
Abra-Kebabra: A magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast food vanishes down
the performer's throat, and then shortly afterwards, it suddenly reappears on the taxi
floor.
Aeroplane skirt - a skirt with a very long slit up it that goes all the way up to the
'cockpit'.
Beaver Leaver: or Vagina Decliner. A homosexual.
BVH:Blue-Veined Hooligan. The 1-eyed skinhead.
BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
Bone of Contention: A hard-on that causes an argument. e.g. one that arises when a man
is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.
Britney Spears - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'beers'. e.g. "Give us a couple of Britney's
will ya Doreen".
Bum Gravy - This one speaks for itself ! You may get this after a dodgy curry.
Bunny boiler - an unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit boiling scene
in the film "Fatal Attraction". e.g. "I don't like the look of her mate, could be a bunny
boiler".
Cider Visor: Beer Goggles for the young drinker.
Cliterature: 1-handed reading material.
Cock-A-Doodle-Poo: The bowel movement that, needing to come out urgently, wakes
you up in the morning to get to the toilet quick
Council gritter - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'shitter'. e.g. "Does she take it up the
council?".
Crappuccino: The particularly frothy type of diarrhoea that you get when abroad.
Donald Trump - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'dump' (defecate). e.g. "I'm just nipping out
for a Donald".
Drink-link - a modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is
common to visit one before going out on the booze !
Flogging On: Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.
FuckShitFuckShitFuckShit: The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at
too high a speed.
Furry monkey - slang term for vagina. As used by Daisy Donovan on Channel 4's Eleven
O'Clock Show
Jackson Pollock(s) - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'bollocks' (testicles). e.g."He needs a
good kick in the Jackson's".
Johnny-no-stars - a young man of substandard intelligence, i.e. the typical adolescent
who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' bit comes from the badges displaying
stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear which show their level of training.
McSplurry: The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week in fast
food restaurants.
Nelson Mandela - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
Pat Cash - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'slash' (to urinate).
Porridge wog - a rather un-PC term for a Scottish person.
Ragmans coat - untidy and very hairy vagina. e.g. "Yeah, she looks quite fit but I bet
she's got one like a ragmans coat !"
Release a chocolate hostage - to defecate. Have heard this one from a few people. e.g. "
I'm just nipping out to release a chocolate hostage".
Skin chimney - excellent (but disgusting of course) term for vagina.
Spam fritter - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'shitter' (anus). Similar to "Gary Glitter".
Sperm Wail: or Spuphemism. A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.
Starfish Trooper: or Arsetronaut. A homosexual.
Swamp donkey - an unattractive woman. e.g. "Blimey, have you seen those swamp
donkeys sitting in the corner !".
Tart fuel - similar to 'bitch piss', bottled alcopop's regularly drank by young women.
Tea towel holder - the anus. Derived from the fact that those round plastic holders that
you push tea towels into resemble the anus.
Wallace and Gromit - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.
Wigger - a white man who is trying to act like a black man. Especially applied to a white
rapper, i.e. Vanilla Ice.
X-Piles: Unwanted visitors from Uranus.
101-
Suicide Attempt
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS, President Dr.
Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre
death. Here is the story:
On March 23,1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped
from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to
that effect, indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was
interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window which killed him
instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the descender was aware that a safety net had been installed
just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that
Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had
planned.
"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and
ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is
still defined as committing suicide."
That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have
been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he
had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor, whence the shotgun blast
emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing
vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that
when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went
through the window, striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of
the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge the old man and
his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded.
Thed old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the
unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr.
Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son
loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the
old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity
of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation
that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the
part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in
fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his
attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story
building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the
ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical
examiner closed the case as a suicide.
102-
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town, which he planned to visit on his
vacation. He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well
groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my
room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel
for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware
or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being
drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch for you, you're
welcome to stay here, too!"

103-
Uses of the word Fuck
If you are offended by the use of bad language fuck off now! Don't read all of this
and then say it annoys you.
FUCK is an international word. It doesn’t matter where you are in the world,
everyone knows exactly what you mean when you say "Fuck OFF".
It's the atmosphere it creates, that's why you never read "Fuck off he hinted".
In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a
verb, both transitive (John fucked Jane) and intransitive (Jane was fucked by John).
It can be an active verb (John really gives a fuck) or a passive verb (Jane doesn't
give a fuck). Or an adverb (Jane is fucking interested in John) and a noun (Jane is a
terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Jane is fucking beautiful). As you can
see there are few words with the versatility of "fuck". Besides its sexual
connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
Greetings “How the fuck are you?”
Fraud "I was fucked by the McDonalds Drive Through."
Dismay "Oh, fuck it."
Trouble "Well, I guess I'm fucked again."
Aggression "Fuck you!!!"
Disgust "Fuck me!!!"
Confusion "What the fuck....?"
Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking thing."
Despair "Fucked again."
Incompetence "He fucks up everything."
Displeasure "What the fuck is going on."
Lost "Where the fuck are we?"
Disbelief "Unbefuckinglievable!!!"
Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!!!"
Pain "Fuck! That hurt."
Pleasure "Oooooooh Fuuuuuuck"
Love "Do ya Fuck on first dates ?"
Starting a relationship "Let's fuck now!”
Surprise "Fucking hell, what was that?"
Hate "You Fuck"
Disappointment "That’s not Fucking fair"
A poker hand "A royal fuck"
Denial "I didn't fucking do it"
Perplexity "I know fuck all about it"
Apathy "Who gives a fuck?"
Resignation "Oh fuck it"
Suspicion "Who the fuck are you"
Panic "Lets get the fuck out of here"
Directions "Fuck off"
Maternal "Motherfucker"
Incestuous "Motherfucker"
Ambiguity "I'm not so fucking sure" And, never forget the words of these famous
people:
General Custer Where did all them fucking Indians come from?"
Mayor of Hiroshima What the fuck was that?"
Captain of the Titanic Where's all the fucking water coming from?
Michelangelo You want me to paint what on the fucking ceiling?
Einstein Any fucker could understand that
Sean Penn Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck
John Lennon Is that a real fucking gun
Donald Campbell The fucking throttle is stuck
Anne Boleyn Heads are going to fucking roll
Richard Nixon Who's going to fucking know?
Niki Lauda I thought I could fucking smell petrol
Mark Thatcher What fucking map?
Picasso It does so fucking look like her
Christopher Columbus Where the fuck are we?
Michael Jackson It's a fucking skin condition
Pythagarus How the fuck did you work that one out?
Walt Disney Fuck a duck
Joan of Arc I don't suppose it will fucking rain
Miss Marples I haven't got a fucking clue
Noah Scattered showers, my fucking arse
The mind boggles at the many creative uses of the word. How can anyone be
offended when you say "FUCK". Use it frequently in your daily speech, you will be
proud and it will add to your fucking prestige and stature. Why not say "FUCK
YOU !" to someone today!
A friend of mine assures me that he overheard this sentence uttered by an Irishman
trying to get some fags out of a machine in a pub....
"The fucking fucker's fucking fucked."
Such economy of language and admirable use of the word as adjective, noun, adverb
and verb.
104-
IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . .
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a
gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to
agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least
Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be fucking kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of
gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16.
We don't have any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you
haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I
suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties
and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom,
but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons
of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you
don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting
until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon
will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the
cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and
bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to
paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir,
that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is
different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll
confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of
paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

105-
The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in
the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the
motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged
through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor
inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found
her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him
and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an
ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of
long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife
uprights the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the
floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the
towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to
come home.
After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to
his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and
smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into
the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His
trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back
of his legs and his groin.
The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance
crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the
husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were
going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics
asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the
paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped . The stretcher dumped the
husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
Now THAT is a bad day...

106-
I read last week how there are more than one hundred thousand battered women in the
UK each year.
All these years I've been eating them raw.

107-
There's this guy from Kentucky named Roscoe. One day he gets up and hears a
voice in his head say: "Quit your job, take your money and go to Las Vegas".
Roscoe ignores it.
A week later he wakes up, same thing: "Quit your job, take your money and go to
Las Vegas."
He ignores it again. Then for a week straight, all day and all night, he hears the
voice: "Quit your job, take your money and go to Las Vegas."
So finally, Roscoe does. As he steps into the Las Vegas Airport, the voice says: "Go
to Caesars." When he walks into Caesars, the voice says: "Go to the roulette table."
He goes to the roulette table. The voice says "Put all your money on red 23." Roscoe
puts all his money on red 23.
The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.
The voice says "Fuck."

108-
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your
telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first
place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

109-
Signs You've Chosen A "No Frills" Airline
They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

110-
What my mother taught me
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets
home."
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it when we get
home!"
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer
me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out off that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me.
5.My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes,
they are going to freeze that way."
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll
never get a good job.
7. My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're
cold?"
8. My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off you toes, don't
come running to me."
9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your
vegetables, you'll never grow up."
10. My Mother taught me about SEX.... "How do you think you got here?"
11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father."
12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you
will understand.
14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they
turn out just like you. ... Then you'll see what its like."
15. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE...."If you're going to
kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
16. My mother taught me RELIGION......"You better pray that will come out of the
carpet."
17. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL....."If you don't straighten up, I'm going
to knock you into the middle of next week!"
18. My mother taught me FORESIGHT......"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in
case you're in an accident."
19. My mother taught me IRONY....."Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry
about."
20. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS....."Shut your mouth and eat
your supper!"
21. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM....."Will you *look* at the dirt on
the back of your neck!"
22. My mother taught me about STAMINA....."You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is
gone."
23. My mother taught me about WEATHER....."It looks as if a tornado swept through
your room.
24. My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS......"If I yelled because I
saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
25. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY....."If I've told you once, I've told you a
million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"
26. My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE....."I brought you into this world, and I
can take you out."
27. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION...."Stop acting like your
father!"
28. My mother taught me about ENVY......"There are millions of less fortunate children
in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

111-
"Microsoft Announcement!" RE: "Geordie Version Of Windows 98"
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Geordie version of Windows 98
may have accidentally been shipped outside of Newcastle. If you have one of the
Newcastle editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The
Newcastle edition may be recognised by looking at the loading screen. It reads
Windiz 98 with a background picture of a Brown Ale bottle superimposed on a
photograph of the Tyne Bridge. It is shipped with the Brown Ale screen saver.
Also note: The Recycle Bin is labelled 'Aal ya shite'
Dial-upNetworking is called 'Me mates'
Control Panel is known as 'How te fuck aboot wi the settins'
The Hard Drive is referred to as 'Big disk'
Floppies are known as 'Them litil plastic bastads'
Other Features:
OK = it's alreet,
cancel = fuck that,
yes = aye,
no= nee fuckin' chance,
find = gan gerit ya fucking sel',
goto = owa there
help = ah cannit dee it,
stop = divvent move,
start = hadaway and shite,
settings = settins,
programs = stuff that dis stuff
personal folder = me shite
Also note that Windiz 98 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to Windiz 98:
tiperiter = a word processor,
cullarin book = a graphics package,
addin masheen = calculator,
tunes = CD player,
porn = Microsoft Internet Explorer,
pikchas = a graphics viewer,
dole money = accounting software,
Toon = a spreadsheet of Newcastle United FC's recent scores,
bevvy = local off-licences by area code and price of Brown Ale.
tax records = usually an empty file,
Kappa tracksuit inventory = usually a 5 meg file
We regret any inconvenience it may cause if you received a copy of the Newcastle
edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

112-
One sunny morning around Easter a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy
the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox sneaked up
behind her and caught her.
"I am going to eat ye for lunch!", said the fox.
"Wait!", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."
"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"
"Well, I am just finishing my postgraduate thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over
Foxes and Wolves'."
"Are ye crazy? I should eat ye right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win
over a rabbit."
"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and
read it for yourself. Then, if you're not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for
lunch."
"Ye really are a daft eejit!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went
with the rabbit. The fox never came out. A few days later the rabbit was again taking a
break from writing and sure enough, a big huge horrible wolf came out of the bushes and
was ready to set upon her.
"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."
"And why might that be, my furry appetiser?"
"I am almost finished writing my postgrad thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over
Foxes and Wolves'."
The wolf laughed so hard that he almost lost his grip on the rabbit. "Maybe I shouldn't eat
you. You really are sick... in the head. You might have something contagious."
"Come and read it for yourself. Then you can eat me afterward if you disagree with my
conclusions. You can't say fairer than that..."
So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole... and never came out. The rabbit finished
her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along
and asked, "What's up? Ye seem fierce happy."
"Yup, I just finished me thesis."
"Congratulations. What's it about?"
"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves'."
"Are ye sure? That doesn't sound right."
"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."
So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the
typical graduate student abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a big long thesis.
The PC with the controversial work was sitting in one corner. To the right there was a
pile of fox bones, to the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was this large, very
well fed lion.
The moral of the story: The title of your thesis doesn't matter.
The subject don't matter.
And the research don't matter either.
All that matters is who your advisor is.

113-
Meaningful Descriptions
The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might
work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31p-a-pint
night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck
that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I
Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it
throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen
before.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several
points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of
Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith
Vaz MP.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slenderleg behind her, like
a dog at a lamppost.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's
infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free
cashpoint.
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on
medium.
It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power
tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a
dustcart reversing.
She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room temperature
British beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax
machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently
compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in
a tumble dryer.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from
doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball
wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with
vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in
hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field
toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. traveling
at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper
can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also
never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal
being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been
left out so long it had rusted shut.
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of
Family Fortunes.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do
114-
A Completely Factual Guide for Americans Visiting Britain
Vocabulary
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as "goolies" in
slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any
goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling" -- the
equivalent of seventeen cents American. Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are
called "tossers." If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" --
he will be touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if
you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you
walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only between
people of the same sex.
Habits
Ever since their government wholeheartedly embraced full union with Europe, the Brits
have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal
followed by a two- or three-hour siesta, which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly
new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas,
do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper,
simply apologize and explain that you were having a wank -- everyone will understand
and forgive you.
Universities
University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by quaint medieval
rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons are expected to bring to the
reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small knife for sharpening their pens. Observing
these customs will signal the librarians that you are "in the know" -- one of the inner
circle, as it were, for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere in the library.
Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript
you've requested, a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.
One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding
gently down the river in one of their flat- bottomed boats, which you propel using a long
pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-I-nals") are privately
owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour.
Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and
would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with
vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Crisco and
have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you
are an experienced cottager.
Food
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic
pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, the American traveller can
easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth
interrupting your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several
grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her
Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine
restaurant, tell your waiter you want beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at
your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while
rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realizes you are a person of
discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British
wines. If he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the
steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a
rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount.
Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you
should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for
you.
Transportation
Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in London costs
two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you
should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver
arrested. It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to
make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the
heavy gold-colored coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver,
e.g.: "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of
harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he
is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).
Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently moved to a new
location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can be reached by taking the
train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew.
(Don't forget that buses are called "prams" in England, and trains are called
"bumbershoots"--it's a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the
hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the "off-license." It's also very important to know
that a "doctor" only means a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a physician,
you must ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master physician").)
For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most
economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in
Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the
baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the
state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching
trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were
smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved
impossible to exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you
should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been
killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise
excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty locating the Tube station,
merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and ask one of the full-time attendants where
you can catch the bumbershoot.)
One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce
that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organization -- the
"shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you
priority treatment as you make your way through customs; otherwise you could waste all
day in line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in
your passport, as it will expedite things on your return trip.
Bollocks to your mum! ("farewell and good health to your family")
115-
A Completely Factual Guide for Americans Visiting France
The following advisory for American travellers heading for France was compiled
from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence
Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the
Centres for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French
don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travellers only. No
guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.
General overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is
an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it
thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of
no particular consequence and with not very good shopping. France is a very old
country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its
contributions to western civilisation are champagne, Camembert cheese and the
guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air
conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food.
One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people wilfully persist
in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign
country, watch your change at all times.
The People
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a
great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of
standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental,
proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points. Most
French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their
behaviour. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men
sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand
out medals. American travellers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball
caps and colourful trousers for easier mutual recognition.
Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, though travellers are advised that, from
time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or
less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased
difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor
generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the
English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the
Government to flee to London. France is currently hosting the football world cup
(no, not the *real* football). Football in Europe appears to be a game where the
object is to trash as many of the local cafes and shops as possible. The winner is the
side which collects the most police riot shields. Visitors are advised to avoid the sites
where football matches are taking place until the world cup is over. (Please note: we
believe that an American team is taking part but they may or may not be playing
American rules; supporters will *not* be subject to the Geneva convention and any
injuries suffered are not insured. Oh and trust us, you don't want to know what
French hospitals are like)
History
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important
historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and
Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.
Government
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or
less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the
country is divided into regions, departments, districts' municipalities, cantons,
communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two
chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground
floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be
trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs
in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the
most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named
Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.
Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All
their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would
want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more
boring than a French novel.
Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a
shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible
for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travellers are advised to
stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.
Economy
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe,
which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four
hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their
lorries and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the
economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-
calibre weaponry, grenade launchers, landmines, tanks, attack aircraft,
miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
Public holidays
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361
national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration
of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War
Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back
from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish
Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day January 12), the
Feast of St Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November
12).
Conclusion
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate
climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French
people. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.

116-
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police
arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain
of whiplash injuries and back pain.

117-
ANAGRAMS
Tony Blair PM - I'm Tory plan B
Virginia Bottomley - I'm an evil Tory bigot
Michael Heseltine - Elect him, he's alien
David Mellor - Dildo marvel
The Houses of Parliament - Loonies far up the Thames
Rt Hon Margaret Thatcher - Grantham Hatchet Terror
Francois Mitterand - Mad strain of cretin
Performance related pay - Mere end of year claptrap
Dame Agatha Christie - I am a right death case
The Metropolitan Police Force - I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop
Benson and Hedges - NHS been a godsend
Eastenders - Needs a rest
Home and Away - Aha... yawn mode
Eldorado - Real dodo
Selina Scott - Elastic snot
Peter Ustinov - Eruptive snot
Actors - Scrota
Robert DeNiro - Error on bidet
Rita Hayworth - Hot hairy wart
Sir Alec Guinness - Clearing sinuses
Mel Gibson - Big melons
Arnold Schwarzenegger - He's grown large 'n' crazed
Kylie Minogue - I like 'em young
Gloria Estefan - Large fat noise
Chris Rea - Rich arse
Marti Pellow - Ill tapeworm
Madonna, the material girl - Real dim man-eating harlot
Ossie Ardiles - Arse is soiled
Diego Maradona - O dear, I'm a gonad
Martina Navratilova - Variant rival to a man
Gabriela Sabatini - Insatiable airbag
Irritable Bowel Syndrome - O my terrible drains below
Boddington's, the cream of Manchester - Boddington's, stomach ache fermenter
Stella Artois, reassuringly expensive - Pint o' lager virtually erases sexiness
Pentium Processor - Computerises porn
Monica Lewinsky - A lick wins money
David Ginola - Vagina dildo
George Michael - I come he gargle
Motorway Service Station - I eat coronary vomit stews
Dormitory - Dirty room
Evangelist - Evil's agent
Desperation - A rope ends it
The Morse Code - Here come dots
Slot Machines - Cash lost in 'em
Mother-in-law - Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms - Alas, no more Zs
Alec Guinness - Genuine Class
Semolina - Is no meal
The public art galleries - Large picture halls, I bet
A decimal point - I'm a dot in place
The earthquakes - That queer shake
Eleven plus two - Twelve plus one
Contradiction - Accord not in it
President Clinton of the USA - To copulate, he finds interns
This one's truly amazing: To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler
in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. - In one of the
Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts
about how life turns rotten.

118-
Of all tales of the supernatural, this one is perhaps the best documented, the most
disturbing, and the most difficult to explain...
The Princess of Amen-Ra lived some 1,500 years before Christ. When she died she was
laid in an ornate wooden coffin and buried deep in a vault at Luxor, on the banks of the
Nile.
In the late 1890s four rich young Englishmen visiting the excavations at Luxor were
invited to buy an exquisitely fashioned mummy case containing the remains of Princess
of Amen-Ra. They drew lots. The man who won paid several thousand pounds and had
the coffin taken to his hotel. A few hours later he was seen walking out towards the
desert. He never returned. The next day, one of the remaining three men was shot by an
Egyptian servant accidentally. His arm was so severely wounded it had to be amputated.
The 3rd man in the foursome found on his return home that the bank holding his entire
savings had failed. The 4th guy suffered a severe illness, lost his job, and was reduced to
selling matches in the street.
Nevertheless, the coffin reached England (causing other misfortunes along the way),
where it was bought by a London businessman. After three of his family members had
been injured in a road accident and his house damaged by fire, the businessman donated
it to the British Museum. As the coffin was being unloaded from a truck in the museum
courtyard, the truck suddenly went into reverse and trapped a passer-by. Then as the
casket was being lifted up the stairs by two workmen, one fell and broke his leg. The
other, apparently in perfect health, died unaccountably two days later.
Once the Princess was installed in the Egyptian Room trouble really started. The night
watchmen frequently heard frantic hammering and sobbing from the coffin. Other
exhibits in the room were also often hurled about at night. One watchman died on duty
causing the other watchmen to want to quit. Cleaners refused to go near the Princess too.
When a visitor derisively flicked a dust cloth at the face painted on the coffin his child
died of measles soon afterwards. Finally the authorities had the mummy carried down to
the basement figuring it could not do any harm down there. Within a week one of the
helpers was seriously ill and the supervisor of the move was found dead on his desk. By
now, the papers had heard of it. A journalist photographer took a picture of the mummy
case and when he developed it the painting on the coffin was of a horrifying human face.
The photographer was said to have gone home, locked his bedroom door, and shot
himself.
Soon afterwards the museum sold the mummy to a private collector.
After continual misfortune (and deaths) the owner banished it to the attic. A well known
authority on the occult, Madame Helena Blavatsky, visited the premises. Upon entry, she
was sized with a shivering fit and searched the house for the source of "an evil influence
of incredible intensity." She finally came to the attic and found the mummy case. "Can
you exorcise this evil spirit?" asked the owner.
"There is no such thing as exorcism. Evil remains evil forever. Nothing can be done
about it. I implore you to get rid of this evil as soon as possible." But no British museum
would take the mummy; the fact that almost 20 people had met with misfortune, disaster
or death from handling the casket in barely 10 years was now well known.
Eventually, a hard-headed American archaeologist (who dismissed the happenings as
quirks of circumstance) paid a handsome price for the mummy and arranged for its
removal to New York. In April 1912 the new owner escorted his treasure aboard a
sparkling new White Star liner about to make its maiden voyage to New York. On the
night of April 14th, amid scenes of unprecedented horror, the Princess of Amen-Ra
accompanied 1500 passengers to their deaths at the bottom of the Atlantic.
The name of the ship was Titanic

119-
The following are all replies that have been included on Child Support Agency
forms in the section for listing father's details.
Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [name
removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he
was conceived on the same night.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a
window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of
names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party
[address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I
do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track
down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now
has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact
BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming
that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would
blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British
economy. I am torn between doing right by you and doing right by my country.
Please advise.
I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I
can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
[Name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him
what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney, maybe it
really is the Magic Kingdom.
So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia
Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and
watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given] mine might have
remained unfertilised.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a tin
of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
I am unsure how it all happened, all I remember is that he was huge and he kept
calling me "a lucky lucky bitch".

120-
These statements are allegedly genuine extracts from letters sent to a Local Council by
tenants somewhere in the West Midlands, UK:
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his feet in the
hole in his back passage.
The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the
roof.
This is to let you know that their is a smell coming from the man next door.
The toilet seat is cracked, where do I stand.
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to
become an expectant mother.
I want some repairs doing to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
The person next door has a large erection in his back garden which is unsightly and
dangerous.
Will you please send someone to mend our broken path. Yesterday my wife tripped on it
and is now pregnant.
Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you
please send someone to do something about it.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is funny colour and not fit to drink.
Would you please send a man to look at my spout, I am an old age pensioner and I need it
straight away.
I woke this morning and I found my water boiling.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we cannot get BBC2.
Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it
is very uncomfortable for us.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5.30 his cock
wakes me up and it is getting too much.
When I applied for a rebate you said that you would have to take something off. Now that
you have taken it off, I have been told that you should have put some on. So will you
please take off what you took off and put on what you should have put on when you took
it off.
When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a
mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

121-
This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an
employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does
not (have a sense of humour) - and made the web department take it down
immediately...
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to
protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty
registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the
information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and
desires.
1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt.
[_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
First Name: ......................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name: .......................................................
Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name: .......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ............ ........... ..........
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... /....... /.......
4. Serial Number: ...................................................
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have
just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase
this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Central / South America
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the
near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check
12. Your occupation
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student
13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and
activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be
used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the
future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other
companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new
F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?
Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division

122-
Remember when eating out was a relaxing experience? Someone else cooked for you,
served you and cleaned up after you. All you had to do was chew, swallow and pay. No
longer, though. Today, you feel like a laboratory rat who has to struggle through a maze
every time it wants a chunk of cheese:
"Good evening," the maitre d' said. "Table for four?"
"Yes, Thank you."
"Smoking or non?"
"Non smoking."
"Would you prefer to dine indoors or outdoors this evening?"
"I guess indoors would be good."
"Very well, sir," he said. "Would you like to be seated in the main dining room, the
enclosed patio, or our lovely solarium?"
"Uh, let me see...uh..."
"I can give you a table with a lovely view in our lovely solarium."
"I think the solarium would be lovely," I said.
We followed him there...
"Now, would you prefer a view overlooking the golf course, the sunset on the lake or the
majestic mountains to the West?"
"Whatever you recommend," I said.
Let HIM make a decision for a change, I thought.
He sat us by a window facing the golf course, lake or mountains.
I couldn't tell which because it was dark outside.
Then, a young man, better dressed and better looking than any of us, presented himself at
our table...
"Good evening, my name is Paul, and I'll be your waiter this evening. Would you like a
few minutes before I take your order?"
"No," I said. "I'm just a meat-and-potatoes guy, so I'll have the filet mignon and a baked
potato."
"Soup, or salad?"
"Salad."
"We have a mixed-green salad, hearts of palm, or a very fine endive salad with baby
shrimp."
"Just a mixed-green salad, okay?"
"Whatever you say, sir. Dressing?"
I didn't want to make another decision...
"Whatever you've got will be fine."
"We have Creamy Italian, Blue Cheese, Vinaigrette, Thousand Island, Honey Dijon and
Ranch."
"Just bring me one. Surprise me."
"Creamy Italian is our house specialty. Would that be all right, sir?"
"Yeah."
I was curt. I was done with civility.
"And for your baked potato?"
I knew what was coming!
"I just want the baked potato dry, you understand? I don't want anything on it."
"No butter? No sour cream?"
"No."
"No chives? No bacon chips ?"
"No! Don't you understand English? I don't want anything on it. Just bring me a baked
potato and a steak."
"Would you prefer the six, eight, or 12-ounce steak, sir?"
"Whatever."
"Would you like that rare, medium rare, medium, medium well or well done? Or, if you
prefer, we can butterfly it for you."
"Pauly Boy," I said, "you are really starting to get me steamed."
"Which brings up the vegetables, sir. Would you like steamed broccoli, creamed corn,
sauteed zucchini, or diced carrots?"
That did it. I threw my napkin to the floor, stood up, put my face right in his arrogant
kisser and said, "How'd you like to settle this outside?"
"Fine with me, sir. Would you prefer the parking lot, the side alley or the street in front of
the restaurant?"
"I prefer right here."
Then I sucker-punched him: he ducked, then countered with a left hook right under my
eye. It was the first time all night he hadn't offered me a selection.
I collapsed semiconscious into my chair, as someone in authority rushed over and berated
Pauly. I felt my tie being loosened, my collar unbuttoned, hands slapping my face. When
I regained my senses, I saw the very concerned maitre d' right in front of my nose.
He apologized and offered to buy me a drink, call the paramedics, whatever I wanted.
"No, no," I said. "I'll be all right. Just bring me a glass of water."
"Yes, sir, right away," he said.
"Would you prefer imported mineral water, sparkling water, or club soda with a wedge of
lime?

123-
How to Write Good - Part 2
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
3. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
4. No sentence fragments.
5. Don't use no double negatives.
6. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should
be enclosed in commas.
7. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
8. DO NOT use exclamation points and all caps to emphasize!!!
9. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
10. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
11. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
12. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not
one writer in a million can use it correctly.
13. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
14. The passive voice should never be used.
15. Do not put statements in the negative form.
16. A writer must not shift your point of view.
17. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences of 10 or more
words, to their antecedents.
18. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
19. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
20. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
21. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
22. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in
their writing.
23. Always pick on the correct idiom.
24. The adverb always follows the verb.
25. Be careful to use the rite homonym.
26. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

124-
Fun Things to Do in a Public Toilet
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, "May I borrow a
highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function
noise
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"
6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet
bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of
your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop
under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over
here, please?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers
Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your
neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

125-
Philosophy
"Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble Cutter. This monument was
erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work.
Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars."
-Gravestone Inscription

"Even if you're paranoid, maybe they really *are* after you."

"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who
do."
"Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the show?"
"Given a conflict, Murphy's law supercedes Newton's."
"If you aren't part of the solution, you're a precipitate."
"A king's castle is his home."
"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your VISA."
"Suicide is the most severe form of self-criticism."
"Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce."
"Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time."
"It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way."
"A leading authority is someone lucky who guessed right."
"Murphy was an optimist."
"I had an IQ test. The results came back negative."
"Life is cheap. It's the accessories that kill you."
"Remember: 'i' before 'e', except in Budweiser."
"On the other hand, you have different fingers."
"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three."
"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."
"When all else fails, read the instructions."
"Don't judge a book by its movie."
"Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved."
"A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and say your mother."
"Heck was created for those who refuse to believe in Gosh."
"Money is the root of all wealth."
"There are two times I feel stress--day and night."
"Nostalgia ain’t what it used to be."
"Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."
"Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it."
"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a
child. She must be found and stopped."
"Money can't buy everything. That's what credit cards are for."
"The bigger they are, the harder they hit."
"Take 20 aspirins and you'll feel better, if you wake up."
"Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye."
"Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art."
"Be alert...the world needs more lerts."
"Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana."
Death is a once in a lifetime experience.
126-
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the
nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for
the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag chair
down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 100% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on
the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange
to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it
for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents
and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low
tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in
which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and
overall behavior. Enjoy it -- it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the
answers.
3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm
carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the
alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again,
with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at
2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes
off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa
and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all
summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the
stains with crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag.
Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time
allowed for this: all morning.
6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator.
Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas
candle. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty package of Cocoa
Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just
qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
7. Forget the sports car and buy a people carrier. And don't think you can leave it out in
the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice
cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a 10p coin. Stick it in
the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the
back seats.
Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door.
Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk
back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to
inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead
insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can
stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-
school child -- a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child,
take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your
sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do
not even contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and
swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Wheeties and attempt to spoon it into
the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the Wheeties are
gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now
ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.
12. Obtain a 55 gallon box of Lego (you may substitute roofing tacks if you wish). Have
a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold and take off shoes. Try to walk
to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
13. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and The
Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing Barney's theme song, "I love you.. You
love me..." at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

127-
Things to do when you're bored:
In the middle of the night, noisily bury a fully dressed mannequin in your
backyard.
Arrange lawn furniture on the fresh mound and sit down in it quickly when the
police arrive.
In the bathroom at work, utter loud, pain-racked screams that carry. Emerge from
the washroom holding a large hen's egg. Wipe your brow, smile and walk away.
Fill an inflate-a-date with helium and release it at rush hour on a windy day. Chase
it down the street, yelling "Come back here you tramp!"
Show up at a DNA paternity testing service. Insist on confidentiality; they'll
reassure you.
Bring a blood sample from the family pet.
At an art museum, pretend to be blind (big dark sunglasses, white cane...dog
helps too) and fondle all the sculptures. Tilt your head quizzically whenever you
touch the marble genitalia and then give a cry of delighted surprise.
Shout "Pingo!" or "Dingo!" at an arbitrary point in a church bingo game. When
the other players get mad, explain that it's really their mistake.
Wash out a petrol can and punch a hole in it, fill it with water and carry it down a
busy lunch hour street while smoking the biggest cigar you can find.
128-
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever
notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs £1 to call up and vote and
they're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the
phone." (Says into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes
you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls
up phone sex girls for £3.95 to say "I'm not in the mood".

129-
Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the
Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending
speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an
unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. The mystery was explained seconds later
as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the
damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat
chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more
severe. The Harrier's target-seeker had locked on to the 'enemy' radar and
triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily, the Harrier
was operating unarmed.

130-
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children,
because I don't think children should be having sex.

131-
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is
crying."
And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably
because of something you did."

132-
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there
thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes
it seemed that way.
133-
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can
picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

134-
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

135-
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year,
but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

136-
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

137-
That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have
discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly
move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in
equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the
butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.
Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their
ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of
UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.
The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their
backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this
usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful
landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them.
And now a few words on solving the problem of creating a ship using the
aforementioned anti-gravity device.
One could power a ship by means of cats held in suspended animation (say, about
-190 degrees Celsius) with buttered bread strapped to their backs, thus avoiding the
possibility of collisions due to temperamental felines. More importantly, how do you
steer, once the cats are all held in stasis?
I offer a modest proposal:
We all know that wearing a white shirt at an Italian restaurant is a guaranteed way
to take a trip to the laundromat. Plaster the outside of your ship with white shirts.
Place four nozzles symmetrically around the ship, which is, of course, saucer
shaped. Fire tomato sauce out in proportion to the directions you want to go. The
ship, drawn by the shirts, will automatically follow the sauce. If you use t-shirts, you
won't go as fast as you would by using, say, expensive dress shirts. This does not
work as well in deep gravity wells, since the tomato sauce (now falling down a black
hole, perhaps) will drag the ship with it, despite the counter force of the anti-gravity
cat/butter machine. Your only hope at that point is to jettison enormous quantities
of Tide. This will create the well-known Gravitational Tidal Force.

138-
If you lived as a child in the 40's, 50's, 60's or 70's. Looking back, it's hard to believe that
we have lived as long as we have...
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a
pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof
lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no
helmets. (Not to mention hitchhiking to town as a young kid!)
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill,
only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we
learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the
streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day.
No cell phones. Unthinkable. We played dodgeball and sometimes the ball would really
hurt. We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth, and there were no law suits from these
accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame, but us. Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were never
overweight...we were always outside playing. We shared one grape soda with four
friends, from one bottle and no one died from this.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, video games at all, 99 channels on
cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, Personal Computers,
Internet chat rooms ... we had friends. We went outside and found them. We rode bikes
or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rung the bell or just walked in
and talked to them.
Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves! Out there in the cold cruel
world! Without a guardian. How did we do it?
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told
it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us
forever.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't, had to learn
to deal with disappointment..... Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a
grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.....Horrors. Tests were not adjusted for
any reason.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide behind. The idea
of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the
law, imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and
inventors, ever. The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We
had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them. Congratulations!

139-
The History of the English Language
In the beginning there was an island off the coast of Europe. It had no name, for the
natives had no language, only a collection of grunts and gestures that roughly
translated to "Hey!", "Gimme!", and "Pardon me, but would you happen to have
any woad?"
Then the Romans invaded it and called it Britain, because the natives were "blue,
nasty, brutish [British] and short." This was the start of the importance of u (and its
mispronounciation) to the language. After building some roads, killing off some of
the nasty little blue people and walling up the rest, the Romans left, taking the
language instruction manual with them.
The British were bored so they invited the barbarians to come over (under Hengist)
and "Horsa" 'round a bit. The Angles, Saxons, and Jutes brought slightly more
refined vocal noises.
All of the vocal sounds of this primitive language were onomatopoeic, being derived
from the sounds of battle. Consonants were derived from the sounds of weapons
striking a foe. "Sss" and "th" for example are the sounds of a draw cut, "k" is the
sound of a solidly landed axe blow, "b", "d", are the sounds of a head dropping
onto rock and sod respectively, and "gl" is the sound of a body splashing into a bog.
Vowels (which were either gargles in the back of the throat or sharp exhalations)
were derived from the sounds the foe himself made when struck.
The barbarians had so much fun that decided to stay for post-revel. The British,
finding that they had lost future use of the site, moved into the hills to the west and
called themselves Welsh.
The Irish, having heard about language from Patrick, came over to investigate.
When they saw the shiny vowels, they pried them loose and took them home. They
then raided Wales and stole both their cattle and their vowels, so the poor Welsh
had to make do with sheep and consonants. ("Old Ap Ivor hadde a farm, L Y L Y
W! And on that farm he hadde somme gees. With a dd dd here and a dd dd
there...")
To prevent future raids, the Welsh started calling themselves "Cymry" and gave
even longer names to their villages. They figured if no one could pronounce the
name of their people or the names of their towns, then no one would visit them. (The
success of the tactic is demonstrated still today. How many travel agents have YOU
heard suggest a visit to scenic Llyddumlmunnyddthllywddu?)
Meantime, the Irish brought all the shiny new vowels home to Erin. But of course
they didn't know that there was once an instruction manual for them, so they
scattered the vowels throughout the language purely as ornaments. Most of the new
vowels were not pronounced, and those that were were pronounced differently
depending on which kind of consonant they were either preceding or following.
The Danes came over and saw the pretty vowels bedecking all the Irish words.
"Ooooh!" they said. They raided Ireland and brought the vowels back home with
them. But the Vikings couldn't keep track of all the Irish rules so they simply
pronounced all the vowels "oouuoo."
In the meantime, the French had invaded Britain, which was populated by
descendants of the Germanic Angles, Saxons, and Jutes. After a generation or two,
the people were speaking German with a French accent and calling it English. Then
the Danes invaded again, crying "Oouuoo! Oouuoo!," burning abbeys, and trading
with the townspeople.
The Britons that the Romans hadn't killed intermarried with visiting Irish and
became Scots. Against the advice of their travel agents, they decided to visit Wales.
(The Scots couldn't read the signposts that said, "This way to
LLyddyllwwyddymmllwylldd," but they could smell sheep a league away.) The
Scots took the sheep home with them and made some of them into haggis. What they
made with the others we won't say, but Scots are known to this day for having hairy
legs.
The former Welsh, being totally bereft, moved down out of the hills and into
London. Because they were the only people in the Islands who played flutes instead
of bagpipes, they were called Tooters. This made them very popular. In short order,
Henry Tooter got elected King and begin popularizing ornate, unflattering clothing.

Soon, everybody was wearing ornate, unflattering clothing, playing the flute,
speaking German with a French accent, pronouncing all their vowels "oouuoo"
(which was fairly easy given the French accent), and making lots of money in the
wool trade. Because they were rich, people smiled more (remember, at this time,
"Beowulf" and "Canterbury Tales" were the only tabloids, and gave generally
favorable reviews even to Danes). And since it is next to impossible to keep your
vowels in the back of your throat (even if you do speak German with a French
accent) while smiling and saying "oouuoo" (try it, you'll see what I mean), the Great
Vowel Shift came about and transformed the English language.
The very richest had their vowels shifted right out in front of their teeth. They
settled in Manchester and later in Boston.
There were a few poor souls who, cut off from the economic prosperity of the wool
trade, continued to swallow their vowels. They wandered the countryside in misery
and despair until they came to the docks of London, where their dialect devolved
into the incomprehensible language known as Cockney. Later, it was taken overseas
and further brutalized by merging it with Dutch and Italian to create Brooklynese.
That's what happened, you can check for yourself. But I advise you to just take our
word for it.

140-
GREENPEACE: save a tree - kill a beaver!
141-
If I could do it all over again, I’d do it all over you.

142-
Did you ever see the customers in a health-food store? They are pale, skinny people who
look half dead. In a steak house you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying of course but
they look terrific.

143-
SUE!
The McDonalds Hot Coffee Nightmare just goes on and on and on!
The latest to sue is a woman in Murphysboro, Illinois.
She claims coffee scalded her ankle when it spilled in her car. She's claiming
$450,000. She's suing the restaurant manager, McDonalds, and the makers of the
paper cup. Mentioned as potential defendants are: The coffee manufacturer, the
plantation in South America which grew the coffee beans, the guy who ground the
coffee beans, the manufacturer of the coffee grinder, the company that canned the
coffee, the trucking company that shipped the coffee to McDonalds, the
manufacturer of the coffee maker that boiled the water, the paper company that
made the filter that filtered the coffee, the plumber who installed the pipes so that
water is available in McDonalds, the electrician who installed the electrical outlet
the coffee maker was plugged into, the employee who handed her the coffee, the
employees parents for not teaching their offspring to warn people about hot coffee,
the manufacturer of the glass in the drive-thru window through which the coffee
was handed to her, ... and of course ' Ronald McDonald ' for enticing her into a
store which sells dangerous products to women drivers.

144-
Let's see if I understand how America works lately...
If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving,
she blames the restaurant.
If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames
the tobacco company.
If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex
education.
If your neighbour crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.
If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty,
you blame the government for not providing clean ones.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet,
and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So, if I die while my
old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

145-
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind".
Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind".
What do these words mean ?
It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

147-
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes
him the dominant species on the planet. That maybe. But I think there's one other thing
that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."

148-
A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tyres or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

149-
Guns don't kill people.
Husbands who come home early kill people.

150-
Seinfeldisms
What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are
they thinking - "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room;
I'd better carpet the toilet too."
What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I
awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who
brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you
tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I
only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed
except for Seeing Eye Dogs? "Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind
person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions,
they're killing living plants? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up.
Have this deceased squirrel."
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see
anyone take one to the beach?
Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a
"built"?
Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when
you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on
the phone you hear a radio station?
With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem to get
competitive. Remember when you were in school and they'd do those hearing tests?
And you'd really be listening hard, you know? I wanted to do unbelievable on the
hearing test. I wanted them to come over to me after and go, "We think you may
have something close to super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a
piece of felt. We're sending the results to Washington, we'd like you to meet the
President."
The proof that we don't understand death is we give dead people a pillow. I mean if
you can't stretch out and get some solid rest at that point, I don't think there are
any bedding accessories that can make the difference. But the suit and the pillow
really shows how we have no idea what to get these people ready for. I mean, what
situation are you going into with a suit and a pillow? There's no business nap
meetings.
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in
the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a
glass door!
It's tough to do a good deed. Let's look at your professional good-deed doers, your
Lone Rangers, your Supermen, your Batmen, your Spidermen. They're all wearing
disguises, masks over their faces, secret identities. They don't want people to know
who they are. Too much aggravation. "Superman, yeah thanks for saving my life,
but did you have to come through my wall? I'm renting here. They've got a security
deposit. Now what am I supposed to do?"
I'm on the plane, we left late, and the pilot says, "We're going to be making up some
time in the air." I thought, "Isn't that interesting. They just make up time." That's
why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they're
making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now my
question is, if you can go faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time?
"Come on, they're no cops up here! Nail it! Give it some gas! We're flying!"
The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. You ever fly standby? It never works.
That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, "Bye."
Frankly, I don't believe people think of their office as a workplace anyway. I think
they think of it as a stationery store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your
envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.
Then there's the psychiatrist. Why is that with the psychiatrist every hour is only
fifty minutes? What do they do with the ten minutes that they have left? Do they
just sit there going, "Boy that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe the things he was
saying. What a nut. Who's coming in next? Oh no, another head case."
Talk-show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is left in the show, you
know? They're always looking off camera, "Do we have time? Are we out of time?
How are we doing on time?" You never see Magnum P.I. go, "Should I strangle this
guy or are we gonna take a break here? Can you stay for another beating? I'll tell
you what, I'll bop him in the head, we'll do a commercial, we'll come back, I'll drive
in the car real fast. Stay with us."
The main difference between the man's wallet and the woman's wallet is the photo
section. Women carry with them a photograph of every person they've ever met
every day in their whole life since the beginning of time. And every picture's out of
date. "Here's my cousin, 3 years old, she's in the Marines now. This is my dog, he
died during the Carter administration." They get stopped by a cop, no license and
registration. "Here's my fifty-six people who know me." Cop goes, "Alright ma'am,
just wanted to make sure you had some friends. Move it along.....Routine pal
check."
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't
taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You
can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."
Sunday's paper is the worst. Weekend. You want to relax. "Oh, by the way, here's a
thousand pages of information you had no idea about." How can they tell you
everything they know about every single day of the week and then have this much
left over on Sunday when nothing's going on?
Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in the little book. What is
this, the story of the bill? "Once upon a time somebody ordered a salad." There's a
little gold tassel hanging down. Am I graduating from the restaurant? Should I put
this on the rearview mirror of my Camaro?
One thing I love about living in New York is it's every different type of person piled
one on top of the other. I am for open immigration, but that sign we have in the
front of the Statue of Liberty, "Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled
masses." Can't we just say, "Hey, the door's open. We'll take whoever you got." Do
we have to specify "The wretched refuse? " Why not just say, "Give us the
unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, the people that can't drive, people that have
trouble merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal, they can't
parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they have bad penmanship,
if they don't return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they
have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving... In other words, any
dysfunctional, defective slob that you can somehow cattle prod onto a wagon, send
them over. We want them."
Any day that you had gym was a weird school day. It started off kind of normal.
You had English, Geometry, Social Studies, and then suddenly you're in Lord of the
Flies for forty minutes. you're hanging from a rope, you have hardly any clothes on.
Teachers are yelling at you, "Where's your jockstrap? !" Kids are throwing dodge
balls at you, snapping towels - you're trying to survive. And then it's History,
Science, Language. There's something off in the whole flow of that day.
My parents took me to Amish country, which to a kid, to see a bunch of people that
have no cars, no TV, no phone you go, "So what? Neither do I." Who wants to see a
whole community that's been grounded? That's the way they should punish the kids
after they've seen Amish country. "All right son, get up to your room. That's it, I've
had it, you are Amish, young man. For the rest of this weekend. Did you hear me?
Amish! And don't come down till you've made some noodles and raised a barn."
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the
bathroom in a handicapped stall?
How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea
behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?
All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder
they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the
horses to do, anyway?
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in
front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we
really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we
would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a
danish!"
Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did
THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them
calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."
Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they
still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean?
These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!
Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats
and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they
say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need
it!" I think not.
Who is this guy Louis Freeh who is head of the FBI? People keep calling him Louie,
like he was the king of France or something. And what's this with his last name?
What does this mean, that he gives away the letter h?

151-
Things to Ponder
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you
don't have?
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you
hear them speak?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how
cold is it going to be?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it
expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up
owing you money? (I've tried it, it doesn't work)
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She
said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything
outdoors?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Did Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet
paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone
threw a gun at him?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real
lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

152-
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not
follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just fuck off and leave
me alone.
153-
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

154-
The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's
milk, that's the time to do it.

155-
Isn’t it amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just
exactly fits the newspaper?

156-
Want a little peace and quiet around your house???
Buy a phoneless cord.

157-
Word Power - New Words for the Week
1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally
walked through a spider web.
2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the
morning and cannot be cast out.
3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from
penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the
near future.
4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially
impotent for an indefinite period.
5) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
6) Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that
are good for you.
7) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at
them rapidly.
8) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and
experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.
9) Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence
faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.
10) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
11) Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.
12) Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.
13) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was
your money to start with.
14) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
15) Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from
drifting off to sleep.

158-
For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information
has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call
these bulbs Dark Suckers.
The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has
mass and is heavier than light.
First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For
example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right
next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its
capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity
to suck dark than the ones in this room.
So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they
can no longer suck - just like a vacuum cleaner does if you forget to change the bag.
This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker. Then the Dark Sucker quits
working.
A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see
that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been
sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn
black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of
the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.
There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark
by themselves and must be aided by a Dark
Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or
replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass
generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles
present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of
through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not
wise to touch an operating candle.
Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the
lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you
would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be
in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake
and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit
room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would
see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able
to see the dark leave the closet.
So next time you see an electric bulb, remember: It's really a Dark Sucker!

159-
ABOUT SHIPPING MANURE:
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship. It was also
before the invention of commercial fertiliser, so large shipments of manure were
common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but
once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation
began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks
in bundles you can see what could (and often did) happen. Methane began to build up
below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was the
cause. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High
In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower
decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and
start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," which has come down
through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true
history of this word.
Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term.

160-
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

161-
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

162-
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

163-
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
164-
This was irresistible, sorry but I had to share with you. Not even Bill Gates can
explain this one!
Try this...Open a blank Word document and type = rand (200,99)
Press enter and wait 3 seconds...

165-
Definitions
ARCHITECT: Defines someone who was neither macho enough to become an engineer
nor gay enough to become a designer.
BANKER: Someone who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and takes it
back when it starts to rain.
CONSULTANT: Someone who uses your wife's watch, tells you the time, and then
charges you for it.
DIPLOMAT: Someone who tells you to go to hell in a way which makes you eager to
start the journey.
ECONOMIST: An expert who will know tomorrow why that which he predicted
yesterday didn't happen today.
FRIEND: Definition of a person of the opposite sex who has that "Je ne sais quoi" which
eliminates any desire to ever try and sleep with them..
PESSIMIST: Optimist with experience
PROGRAMMER: Someone who fixes a problem you didn't know you had in a way you
don't understand.
PSYCHOLOGIST: Someone who looks at everyone else when an attractive woman
enters the room.
STATISTICIAN: Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an
engineer.
PRIEST: Someone addressed by everyone as "Father" except his children who call him
"uncle".
LOVE: Four-letter word, two vowels, two consonants and two idiots.
DANCING: The vertical frustration of a horizontal desire.
INTELLECTUAL: Someone capable of thinking for more than 2 hours about something
other than sex.
MONOGAMY: Repressed polygamy.
NANOSECOND: Fraction of time which occurs between the lights turning green and the
car behind honking its horn.
TEAMWORK: The possibility of putting the blame on others.
EASY: Term applied to any woman with the sexual morals of a man.
HARDWARE: The part of the computer which you kick when the software malfunctions.
IMPATIENCE: Waiting in a hurry.
INDIFFERENCE: Attitude adopted by a woman towards a man in whom she has no
interest; interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get".
INFLATION: Having to pay next years prices on last year's salary.
166-
The following were winners in a New York Magazine contest in which contestants
were to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter,
and provide a definition for the new expression. (All except the last one, which
breaks the rule.)
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?---Can you drive a French motorcycle?
EX POST FUCTO -- Lost in the mail
MAZEL TON -- tons of luck
IDIOS AMIGOS -- We're wild and crazy guys!
VENI, VIPI, VICI ---I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.
COGITO EGGO SUM -- I think; therefore I am a waffle.
RIGOR MORRIS -- The cat is dead.
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID -- Honk if you're Scottish.
QUE SERA SERF -- Life is feudal.
LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI -- The king is dead. No kidding.
POSH MORTEM -- Death styles of the rich and famous
PRO BOZO PUBLICO -- Support your local clown.
FELIX NAVIDAD -- Our cat has a boat.
HASTE CUISINE -- Fast French food
VENI, VIDI, VICE -- I came, I saw, I partied.
QUIP PRO QUO -- A fast retort
APRES MOE LE DELUGE --Larry and Curly got wet.
ICH LIEBE RICH -- I'm really crazy about having dough.
VISA LA FRANCE -- Don't leave your chateau without it.
COGITO, ERGO SPUD -- I think, therefore I Yam

167-
Never buy a dwarf with learning difficulties.
It's not big and it's not clever.

168-
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with
experience.

169-
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without a boner, make him a sandwich!
170-
My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up and for me, it is a time to
reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he
would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he
used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive
today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well
and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grand fatherly
advice, came when he paused, looked me in the eye and said,
"Son, Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your pecker look smaller."

171-
Dear Tide:
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since the beginning of
married life, when my Mum told me it was the best.
In fact, about a month ago, while at my mother-in-law's house, I spilled some red wine on
my new white blouse. She started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing
lead to another and I ended up with a lot of her blood on my white blouse, as well.
I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. On
my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of
the stains came out! They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative!
I thank you, once again, for a great product.
Well, gotta go, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people

172-
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day
an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I
just heard about your best friend?"
"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to
pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might
be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say."
"The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to
tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..." "All
right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not."
"Now let's try the second filter, the filter of goodness. Is what you are about to tell
me about my friend something good?" "No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're
not certain it's true."
"Well, shall we now move to the third test because there's one filter left: the filter of
Usefulness." "Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to
me?"
"It may be, but I cannot be certain."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good
nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man walked away, shaking his head.
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out his best friend was porking his wife.

173-
The old Cherokee chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe,
eyeing the US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for 90 years.
You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the
damage he has done."
The Chief nodded that it was so.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the
white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied,
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it......No taxes...... No debt......
Plenty buffalo...... Plenty beaver......Women did all the work...... Medicine man free.....
Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night making love to the women."
The Chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve
system like that?"

174-
I’m on two diets at the moment because you don’t get enough to eat with one.

175-
Phone won't stop ringing? Here's what you do...
Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most
people she did something about it.
The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost
the same telephone number as Leola.
From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she
had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel
management to change its number.
Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery.
The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a
customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After
her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.
At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for
a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem. How many nights?"
A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a
week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for
$600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a
deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."
The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance
manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of
the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.
She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the O.J.
Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to
book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.
Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be
providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she
would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet
parking came up.
Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always
recommend that the client tips the drivers."
Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area. People kept showing
up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no
such events.
Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go
bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer
you $200,000 for the motel."
Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."

176-
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop,
and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one
passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job
application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you
should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your
life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never
be able to find your perfect dream lover again. The candidate who was hired (out of
200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

WHAT DID HE SAY? He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old
friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the
bus with the woman of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her
misery, shag the perfect partner against the bus stop and drive off with the old
friend for some beer.

177-
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured
them against fire amongst other things. Within a month having smoked his entire
stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium
payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his
claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance
company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars
in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued...and won!
In delivering his ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was
frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company
in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would
insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and
was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the
insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the
rare cigars lost in the "fires." NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed
the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his
own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the
lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to
24 months in jail and given a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent US Criminal Lawyers
Award Contest.

178-
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

179-
Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately
one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
180-
668: The Neighbour of the Beast

181-
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

182-
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls
taper off

183-
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched
him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of
emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening
she slipped her arm around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only
£29.50."

184-
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world, the unreasonable one persists in
trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the
unreasonable man."

185-
If you live more than 10 miles from where you work, you have no right to complain
about the traffic. You are the problem.

186-
"The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the
population"
187-
Just the other day a guy got fined £1, 000 by the TV license inspector for not having a
license.
Then another guy got out on bail for £500 after being arrested for murder!
Morale of the story:
If you don’t have a TV license, and the inspector comes round, KILL him!
You can save £500!

188-
A Few More Things I've Learnt ...
1. If you are too open-minded, your brain falls out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a
garage makes you a car.
4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change
places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you
need it.
20. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
21. There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
22. Experience is the ability to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
23. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
24. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

189-
"If I could be a woman for a minute, I'd play with myself for an hour..."
190-
Hello, my name is Heidi. I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion fucking
chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a
poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise
enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling
freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom
you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are we?
"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every
good looking model in the magazine!" What a bunch of bullshit. Maybe the evil
chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for
not continuing a chain that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to the USA by
midget pilgrims on the Mayflower. Fuck them.
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.
I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched
excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient
being" forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by
sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's your own unpopularity.
The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless
or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss
people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who
has been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents
per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.
Oh, by the way all you idiots out there...NO COMPANY HAS ANY WAY OF
TRACKING E-MAIL OUTSIDE THEIR SYSTEM -NO, NOT EVEN
MICROSOFT!!! THERE IS NO SUCH TECHNOLOGY YET!!!!!! AND IF
THERE WERE, IT WOULD PROBABLY BE AGAINST THE LAW TO TRACK
IT FOR PRIVACY MATTERS.
Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your
underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

191-
Billy Connolly's 14 things I hate about everybody
1People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal,
where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote
because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right!
What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck
would you keep looking after you've found it?
5When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to
come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.
6People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did
you sunshine?
7When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never
been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something
before it.
8When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone
ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?
9When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus
came would I be standing here, Knobhead?
10People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used
to be? Ears, Wellington boots?
11When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting -
I always eat stuff I hate.
12People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't
need.
13McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc'
before the item you are ordering. It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken
Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking
McTosser.
14When you're involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine
thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

192-
10 ways to really annoy those pesky neighbours this long hot summer
1) Take up the bagpipes.
2) If they happen to have a swimming pool, put a large dead octopus type creature
in it every day.
3) Erect a very large sign that says big smelly twat with arrow pointing in their
direction
4) Play sounds of uncontrolled flatulence through new 500-watt speakers
5) Concrete their garage door shut
6) Put "SARS: QUARANTINE" sign in their front garden.
7) Paint "I'm with stupid ->" on your house
8) Place giant magnifying glass over their house in the blistering sun at the height of
the English summer (might not work)
9) Video them having a shag; put it on the Net; send them the link
10) Replace your grass with an assortment of broken down vehicles

193-
WORDS THAT SHOULD EXIST
1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road
map at the same time.

2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub
faucet on and off with your toes.

3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain
water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle,
or (b) squirting her(him)self in the eye (or ear).

4. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and
hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

5. BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display
phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

6. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running
over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up,
examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

7. DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do
you work here?"

8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the
floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs.

9. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the
rearview mirror.

10. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies
who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

11. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in
a movie theater.

12. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you
press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

13. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan
and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep
it under the rug.

14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the spout on a
milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.
15. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to
life.

16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems
to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

17. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a
household pet.

18. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting
whom you were calling just as they answer.

19. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose
to it.

20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone
ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

194-
Deep Thoughts
1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the
internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
2. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
3. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about
seeing UFOs like they use to?
4. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is
her eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of
liars.
5. Whenever you feel blue, start breathing again.
6. All of us could take a lesson from the weather -- it pays no attention to criticism.
7. Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut saves you
30 cents?
8. In the '60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and
people take Prozac to make it normal.
9. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession and it bears a very close
resemblance to the first.
10. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to
start a campfire?

195-
They said it couldn't be done !!
So I didn't do it
196-
The Washington Post asked its Style Invitational readers to comb through that
day's stories in The Post and come up with letters to the editor that sort of miss the
point. What follows are excerpts from that search:

To the editor: Does The Post so hate America that you wish to deliver our national
secrets into the hands of our enemies? I refer of course to The Post's publication of
page after page of "Classified" information, blatantly labelled as such in type so
large that even the most dimwitted spy can hardly fail to miss it!

20,000 Pound Pavement to Help Homeless To the Editor: Are you people idiots?
What the homeless need are homes, not 10 tons of additional pavement! This
donation is cruel, like giving 20,000 Zippos to a burn ward. You should all be
ashamed of yourselves.

HAND-DELIVERED. URGENT! To the editor: Do not let them bury those people
whose pictures you showed in Sunday's obituaries! Most of them look like they are
still alive!

Momentum Is Building in Downtown Revival I continue to be appalled by your poor

understanding and incorrect usage of even the simplest physics terms. Momentum is
the property of mass multiplied by velocity. As buildings remain at rest, they have
no momentum. The term you are looking for is "inertia."

Unproductive Mids Trampled at Home Our nation's military academies are and
should remain highly competitive. But it is horrifying that parents are resorting to
corporal punishment when a student has fallen behind in his studies. I am especially
dismayed to learn the Southern Methodists had a hand in this savagery.

Catholic Fumbles, Stumbles in Playoffs -- By Neil H. Greenberger Catholic

fumbles? I cannot believe your sportswriters are allowed to single out for criticism
persons of certain faiths. Everyone errs occasionally, not just Catholics. I guess Mr.
Greenberger feels Jews never drop the ball, but I'm here to tell you I found one who
did, in this awful article.

Palestinians Say Israelis Violated Accord So now they're blaming the Jews for every
car that's broken into?

Maryland Agrees to Tobacco Settlement Well, that's just great. Just what we need --
an entire settlement of people devoted to their cancer sticks. What's next, a drunk-
driving commune?

Bishop Lifts Kansas State Over Missouri A Roman Catholic miracle, and The Post
buries it in Sports? This is typical of your godlessness. I'm sure if it was some
Vatican scandal, we would see it on Page 1 above the fold.

Bishop Leads Wildcats Past Missouri --I find it commendable that the clergy are
attempting, like Saint Patrick in Ireland, to rid the land of dangerous animals.
However, your story irresponsibly fails to tell us where the good bishop is taking
these creatures. Is he bringing them to the D.C. area? Show a little civic
responsibility, please, and inform the public

--I object to Frank Stewart's blatant denigration of the mentally challenged in his
bridge column. Whatever he thinks of a player's relative skills, there is no excuse for
the repeated reference to North as "Dummy."

Pakistan Holds Members of Ethnic Movement What is the world coming to when
Pakistani officials can get away with humiliating its enemies by holding their
members?

D.C. United Se Une Hoy a Campana Solidaria Pro Centroamerica --I was disgusted
with the sloppy spelling for the article on D.C. United. There were so many typos I
couldn't understand a word.

--To the editor: You Washingtonians are so self-absorbed! Take Sunday's weather
report. You go on and on about weather in the Washington area. You can bet that
here in Muscateen, we don't spend all our time talking about Washington's weather.

Republican Leadership Vacuum Might Open Doors for Governors --When will
these Poindexters in Washington understand that the American public won't put up
with their gross misspending of U.S. tax dollars -- $600 hammers, $2,000 toilet seats,
and now vacuum cleaners to open doors for Governors? Please.

--I am eager to contact Mr. Scott Black, the "rumpled money manager," as I am
eager to have him sort and straighten out my wrinkled currency.

--In re the recent spate of letters to the editor supporting more flights out of
National Airport, I believe the authors do not consider the long-term consequences
of this action. Unless we balance the number of flights out of National with the
number of flights into National, we will only accelerate the trend of urban flight
from the District of Columbia.

(And... last and certainly least...) -I am outraged at the inappropriateness of the

Taurus horoscope. The idea of an "older individual" helping me, a 12-year-old boy,
"get into the big leagues" is repulsive. You have made me cry.
197-
This is an Actual Article from the Los Angeles Times:

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve
the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt
Lake City Hospital. Tomasszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum,
had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously
wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he
explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough. I
tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and
struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference a
hospital spokesperson described what happened next.
"The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting
Mr.Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur
and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine,
propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns
and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second
degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

TOP 10 SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY:

10. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..." Hello!
9. "...so I peered into the tube..." Aaaaaahhhh! I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a
telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.
8. That poor gerbil being shot out of that guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on
Rocky and Bullwinkle.
7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just
guessing here, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little
journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love".
6. People walking around with these volcano-like pockets of gas in their rectums.
5. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to
the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of
raving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a
charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashion, but I just can't imagine
looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named
Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."
4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and
discomfort of haemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy dump
after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most
horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.
3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for "Idiotic white men
who insert rodents up butts."
2. What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference about this?
1. This happened in Salt Lake City? What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm
starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.
198-
Kinsey Report - "Sexual Behavior In The Human Male" 98% of males (including
married men) admitted to masturbating. Average: 3 times per week. (and... 85%
admitted premarital sex; 50% admitted adultery) (Kinsey, et al. 1948)
Current population - 132,090,689 Men in the United States
ASSUMPTIONS
1. It takes at least ten minutes (on average) for a man to masturbate.
LET'S DO THE NUMBERS
132,090,689 men in the United States X 3 wack-offs/week = 396,272,067 wack-
offs/week
6 ten-minute-periods/hour X 24hours/day X 7days/week = 1,008 ten-minute-
periods/week
396,272,067 wack-offs/week / 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week = 393,127 wack-
offs/ten-minute-period
393,127 wack-offs/ten-minute-period X 98% (Kinsey Factor) = 385,265 wack-
offs/ten-minute-period
CONCLUSION
At any given moment (on average), 385,265 men in the United States are wacking-
off.
So,... be careful who you shake hands with!

199-
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department
of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is hilarious, but read
the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ FileN o.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has
been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have
been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following
unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of
Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review
of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the
Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and
Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the
Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled
Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a
recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that
dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department
therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from
the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,
2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site
inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any
further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated
enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water Management Division

** This is the actual response sent back: **

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price:

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to.
I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A
couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining
two wood" debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay
for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that
you call their skilful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge
your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you
choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills,
their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam
determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam
permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring
Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said
dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the
Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable
beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being section
324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is-aren't the beavers entitled to legal
representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay
for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The
Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain
event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is
required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather
than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a
dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them,
they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter - they being unable to read
English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized
dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They
have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of
Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect
the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment( Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the
beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement
action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the
dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them
then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality

(health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I
definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers
alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not
careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being
unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to
your dam office.

THANK YOU

RYAN DEVRIES + THE DAM BEAVERS

200-
1. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong
answers.-
2. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
3. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in
many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the
"Four F's":a. fighting; b. fleeing; c.feeding; and d. mating.
4. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the
unnecessary.
5. Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio
stations in Chicago...we're one of them."
6. With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer
to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits
who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.-
7. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
8. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the
correct screw.
9. The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with
an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting
degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree
asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
10. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of
training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the
history of the world.
11. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate
plants.
12. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging
their prejudices.
13. Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling
down the highway.
14. We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it -
and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never
sit down on a hot stove-lid again---and that is well; but also she will never sit down
on a cold one anymore.
15. When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
16.Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
17. When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the
audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the
Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
18. Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations,
separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.
19. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
20. Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
21. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? a. Writing his memoirs of
the Civil War. b. Advising the President. c. Desperately clawing at the inside of his
coffin.

Click here to go to Deep Thoughts Jokes Page 2

mailto:jokemaster@filthyjokes.freeserve.co.uk