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Note: This is from a handmade ‘zine created in the San Francisco Bay Area during the late 1980s. The
reference to terrorism is all a tongue-in-cheek acknowledgement of then NIH director’s comments that
animal rights activists are ‘terrorists’.
Introduction.2
Breakfast.2
Plantain Mash.4
Embassy Applesauce.5
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Eggless Soymayo.8
Satan’s Suey.10
TVP Slop-O-Rama.11
S/S Tempeh.11
Potato Staple.13
Biscuit Power.13
Warfare Gravy.14
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Tomato Salsa.16
Stewed Eggplant18
Beany Salad.18
Gingered Spinach.19
Baked Nanners.20
Introduction
So you’re just about out of duct tape and you just can’t get seem to keep those unruly hostages in line. I
have often found that food can be a great means of manipulation, and an acceptable alternative to
physical confrontation. Hopefully, you will find this cooking manual useful in your daily manoeuvres. The
recipes within are just a collection of suggestion. Do not restrain yourself by strictly adhering to degrees
and measurements. Experimentation is the name of the game. Explore and record your findings. We are
watching you.
A big part of being a successful terrorist is supplying your hostages with food that meets their nutritional
needs. I mean c’mon, how fun is it terrorizing some malnourished hostage? I personally feel that people
make more a fuss than they need to, concerning meeting your nutritional requirements on a vegan diet.
Eat a good variety of foods and it’s hard to go wrong.
Breakfast
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blend everything into a liquid. Dip the bread into a mixture and brown on both sides in a small amount o
foil in a pan or in a toaster oven.
heap it all into a pan and bring to a boil. Reduce the heat, cover and simmer for 15 minutes. Slap it in a
bowl and add a little vanilla soymilk for kicks
toast the bread and smear it with peanut butter. Heat up the applesauce and pour it on the toast. Top it
off with the banana and sing some nice breakfast songs.
Peel those suckers and cut into quarters. Fry in a skillet in about ½ inch really hot oil. Fry until they’re
tender and golden brown. This is a swell addition to your breakfast regimen.
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Cream the margarine and sucranat together, add the arrowroot and mashed up banana. Mix up all the
dry ingredients with soymilk. Plop it all into some greased muffin pans and chuck into a 350F degree
oven. Bake for 12 minutes or so, then do a little muffin breakdancing.
Plantain Mash
Yet another plantain formula for those nights of plantain madness, or days with plantains go on sale at the
Berkeley Bowl. Oh yeah.
Peel the plantains and boil them in water until soft. Mash in a bowl and serve with some sweet soymilk
mix up all the dry stuff in a bowl, then add the wet ingredients. Heat up a frying pan with just a little oil,
then cook on both sides until nice and brown.
blend it all in a bowl and slap it on a raisin bagel. Play around with substituting other fruit in place of the
dates. Pineapple is swell.
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shove those bananas in a big cup and poor a little soy milk over them, as you mash it all together with a
fork. Add more soymilk as desired. I like mine messy and really chunky. Screw those wimpy smoothies.
Embassy Applesauce
This is swell for breakfast. Cut some apples into quarters. Put them in a blender and add some pineapple
juice. Blend as if you hold a grudge and add juice as needed.
slowly add the water to the flour in a big bowl and mix into a stiff dough. Knead like a maniac. Kneading
develops the gluten and is vital to our mission. Cover the dough ball with cold water and let stand. You
can let it sit there for an hour or, if your hostages are acting up, you can let it sit there all night. This
loosens the starch. After letting the dough sit, knead under the water. Stop kneading it right before the
water is clear. The dough will be soft as you wash it and suddenly get real firm. That’s when you want to
stop washing and place it on a board to drain. Form the gluten into a roll and cut into ½ inch slices.
Scream at your hostages for a while then go prepare your broth.
Broth:
8 cups water
1 cup tomato sauce
2 big onions, chopped
some spike
5-6 tbsp vegetarian bullion
¼ cup soy sauce
some garlic powder
Throw all the broth ingredients into a big pot and bring to a boil. Throw the raw gluten in and let simmer
until most of the liquid is gone. This will take around an hour and a half. Stir occasionally. Now you have
the core for a whole arsenal of potentially dangerous dishes. You can use it in sandwiches, stews, stir frys
and pasta dishes. Experiment and document your findings.
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Boil the potatoes until they’re cooked, but still firm. Chop into medium-sized pieces. Chop up the onions,
celery and carrots, into small pieces. Combine all the ingredients in a huge pot and bring to a furious boil.
Lower the heat and simmer for approximately 20 minutes or so. You should play around with the amount
of ingredients until you come up with a nice thick stew. You can slop some nutritional yeast in there to
slightly thicken it u[. Eat this with a big chink of bread and make a lot of gooshy noises.
Beat the hell out of the tomatoes, until you have something resembling tomato sauce. Add the rest of the
ingredients to taste. Simmer in a saucepan for a couple of minutes and throw on some noodles.
In a bowl, cover the onions with really cold water. Let them sit for 20 minutes. This crimps the onions an
removes thir acidity. You can use this time to flog the hostages and prepare the rest of the ingredients.
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Drain the onions well and pat them dry. Combine everything and let marinate at room temp. the longer it
sits, the better it tastes.
Throw everything, except the noodles, in a big saucepan. Simmer for a couple of minutes, until nice and
hot, then pour on top of the cooked noodles. Quick, easy and painless.
Drain the tofu really well. Cut it into ¼ inch slices and marinade in the gravy for a little while. Slap the tofu
on an un-greased baking pan and bake for 20 minutes at 350F degrees. Serve the tofu over the biscuits
and smother it with gravy. Egad, this is really swell and will make you praise Katie.
Soak them peas overnight in the hot water. Add the rest of the ingredients and simmer on low heat until
the peas are tender, or one of the hostages spills their beans.
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Somewhat close to the real thing. Serve with peach slices on top.
8oz tofu
1 tbsp oil
a pinch of salt
1 tbsp apple cider vinegar or lemon juice
mash everything together with a fork and you’ve got some swell snack material.
Eggless Soymayo
I can’t do without this crap. Slap it on everything under the roof, including insubordinate hostages.
6 tbsp lemon juice
1 cup plain soy milk
½ tsp sea salt
½ tsp paprika
½ tsp mustard
12 tbsp vegetable oil
put it all in blender, except for the oil. Blend on the lowest speed and gradually add the oil, real slow like,
until it thickens. Continue blending until thick and dreamy. Put in a jar and put it in your fridge.
Combine all the ingredients, except the roughage stuff, and mix until well blended. Pour it over the lettuce
mix. I like to throw in some shredded carrot, as a treat, when the hostages are cooperative.
first, use the duct tape to secure those troublesome hostages to the kitchen table. There should be no
distractions while you cook, and you must eliminate any security risks. Chop up the peppers and onion.
Combine all the ingredients in a pan and cook on med-hi heat. Stir while cross-questioning hostages.
Serve over rice and be grateful.
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chop up the onion and peppers into convenient sizes. Cut the eggplant into ¼ inch slices. Heat the oil in a
wok or a big pan. Hurl all the ingredients into the wok and stir over med-hi heat until everything is
cooked but still kinda crunchy. Serve over some rice.
Combine the flour and water and form into a kinda gooshy dough ball. Tear it apart and make a bunch of
little balls. Flatten each ball and spread a little oil on top, sprinkle with chives and spices, then roll up like
a cigar or something. Fry in a pan with lotsa oil until pastry turns opaque.
Satan’s Suey
A friend served this to me at a terrorist get-together, when I was on a mission in Japan. It’s best served
over rice and dosed with soy sauce.
2 tbsp oil
1 large onion sliced
1 green pepper sliced
2 stalks celery chopped
1 thinly sliced carrot
1 ½ cups bean sprouts
2 cups cooked seitan
1 cup mushroom pieces
some spike
sauté the mushrooms and onion in oil. Use a trusty wok. Set aside the mushrooms and oil and spike in
wok, you might have to heavier on the oil. Stir fry all the vegetables and seitan over high heat, for a
couple of minutes. The vegetables should be cooked, but crisp. Lay it all on some rice, play with some
chopsticks and go to town with your bad self.
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combine all ingredients and mix thoroughly. Slop into a greased 1-½ qt. Casserole dish. Steal this dish
from your mom’s house. Bake at 350F degrees for about 1 hour. Eats well with nutritional yeast gravy.
Arrange the tomatoes in a good-sized baking dish, cut side up. Pour the olive oil over them suckers and
sprinkle with spices. Broil until the tops begin to brown (about 5 minutes)
TVP Slop-O-Rama
This somewhat resembles stuffing, very good as a main or side dish. Whatever’s appropriate for the
situation. Katie says this is the rad shit.
Around 2 cups TVP
2 cups almost boiling water
1 cup quick oats
a huge red onion, chopped
a big green bell pepper, chopped
some vegetarian broth powder
8oz tomato sauce
some garlic powder
some spike
2 tbsp vegetable oil
boil the water and throw in the TVP and oats. Slosh it around a bit until it starts thickening. Throw in the
rest of the ingredients and mix it all up. Chuck everything into a semi-deep baking pan. Bake uncovered
for around 45 minutes at 450F degrees. Let the top get nice and brown. I think it’s good when it burns a
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little.
S/S Tempeh
Tempeh is really swell stuff. Most hostages are suckers for sweet and sour dishes. This goes well with
some rice. You can also use this as sandwich filler, for those picnic situations.
16oz uncooked tempeh
2 tbsp lemon juice
2tbsp tamari sauce
1 ½ cups water
¼ tomato sauce
1 tbsp brown rice syrup
4 medium cloves garlic
cut the tempeh into medium sized squares (or bricks, if making sandwich filler). Place all the sauce
ingredients in a saucepan and bring to a boil. Throw in your tempeh, and reduce the heat. Cover and
simmer for about 45 minutes to an hour. You might have to add a little water. This is good hot or cold.
Combine everything in a medium pan and cook until the carrots are tender, but not mushy. Mushy carrots
suck and have caused many a fistfight within our organization. Well I suppose it doesn’t matter because
you want to slap everything in a blender and puree until smooth. Stir in the soymilk and reheat if
necessary.
Put all the sauce in a large pan. Simmer on low heat for about 1 hour stirring occasionally. Longer you let
it simmer, the more flavourful it becomes. While the sauce is cooking, prepare everything else.
Stuffing
1 lb firm tofu
a package of chopped spinach
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Drain tofu and squeeze out an excess water. Mash everything together. Cook the manicotti by following
the directions on the box. When the manicotti is done, preheat your oven to 350F degrees. Put some of
the sauce on the bottom of a rectangular baking pan. Now, carefully, I mean carefully, stuff the manicotti
with your stuffing. Place the stuffed manicotti in the pan and splatter some more sauce on top. Cover with
some foil and bake for 30-35 minutes. Let cool for five minutes before serving.
Potato Staple
This is your usual breakfast fare. When I’m broke, I find myself eating this for every meal.
About 5 good-sized potatoes
A big onion
Some oil
Some garlic powder and spike
Scrub down them taters and plop them in a big pot of boiling water. Just enough water in the pot to
cover the potatoes, this will make things go faster. Boil them until they’re done, but still really firm.
Remove from heat, drain and rinse with cool water. Now, cut up the potatoes into medium-sized chunks.
Chop up the onion and get a moderate amount of oil going in a big frying pan. Throw in the onions and let
them cook for about a minute. Throw in the potatoes and heave in a bunch of garlic powder and spike.
Add oil as needed, and cook until brown and kind of crispy. All the hail the mighty potato.
Throw everything, except the mustard and margarine, in a saucepan and simmer until thick. This takes a
lot of stirring. Add a little water if things get crazy. Once you have a smooth sauce going, remove from
heat and stir in the mustard and margarine. Go to town and put it on everything.
Biscuit Power
Universal means of feeding unruly hostages. Breakfast to dinner, biscuits are a useful means of reasoning
with the hungry opponent.
2 cups flour
1 tbsp baking powder
1 tsp sea salt
1/3 cup vegetable oil
2/3 cup water or soy milk
2 tbsp nutritional yeast, for kicks
Whip up your oven to 450F degrees. Mix all the dry stuff in a bowl, then add your oil and water/soymilk.
Stir things up with a few threatening words to the head hostage, then make him stir the mix until he gets a
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nice, soft dough. Take the bowl away from the hostage and knead dough for a couple of seconds.
Break the ball down into a bunch of small chunks, the size you want your biscuits to be. The dough
won’t rise much in the oven. Place on an un-greased cookie sheet and bake for approximately 17
minutes, until nice and brown on top.
Warfare Gravy
Gravy is power.
6 tbsp soy margarine
½ cup whole-wheat flour
½ cup nutritional yeast
3 cups vegetarian broth
some garlic powder
spike to taste
melt the margarine in a saucepan, then add the yeast and flour. Don’t stop stirring. Things will start to get
very doughy and thick. Slowly add the broth until you get the desired consistency. Spice it up and pour
over a roast or baked tofu. Can also be used for hot gravy torture when hostages don’t want to wash
dishes.
Peel and wash the potatoes. Boil them for around twenty minutes or until they’re cooked but not mushy.
Add the chopped veggies, garlic, spike and pepper. Mix in some fake mayo. Add some mustard to taste,
then play picnic on the kitchen floor with the hostages.
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Just mix it all together really well and slap into a greased loaf pan. Bake for about 45 minutes at 450F
degrees. Serve it with some gravy and dole it out to them starving hostages.
Cook the lentils, carrots, onion, celery and pepper in 4 cups of water. Add the rest of the stuff and
simmer for about twenty minutes. Time may vary, as I frequently had to leave the kitchen to discipline a
hostage who was screaming from the hall closet. Serve with a huge hunk of whole grain bread and feel
like a cave man.
Bake the sweet potatoes at 375F for 45 min-1 hour or until tender when prodded with a fork. Cut them
there potatoes lengthwise and scoop out the inside, so you are left with the shells. Set the shells to the
side and mash the banana with the potato and add the soy margarine, o.j., rice syrup and sea salt. Beat
intensely and spoon the mixture back into the shells. Place the shells on an un-greased cookie sheet and
return to oven for 12-15 minutes.
Tomato Salsa
Fresh salsa is much better than that crap you find in jars at the deli, and is helpful in exorcising personal
demons. Can be used in punishing hostages. Go heavy on the cayenne and watch them suffer.
2 tomatoes, diced
1 green bell pepper, diced
1 onion diced
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Slap everything, except the crushed tomatoes, into a large bowl and mix furiously. Take about ¾ of the
mixture and mix in a blender for about 2 seconds (count eee-gad). Put the stuff back into the bowl and
add the crushed tomatoes. Mix well. Cover tightly and let sit in the fridge for a good hour to let all the
flavour set in.
Thrash it all with a fork, or you can wimp out and employ a blender. Skate to Noah’s and buy a bagel.
This is very swell in pita bread with tomatoes and lettuce.
Simmer the beans in enough water to cover them, until tender. Drain off most of the liquid and mix all the
ingredients in a big casserole dish, except the onion. Place the onion in the center, shoving it under the
beans. Cover the dish with some tin foil and bake at 350F for two hours, better 3-4 hours, if you can get
the hostages to wait that long. Remove the onion before you serve.
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Chuck everything into a large saucepan. Add the lima beans and bring to a nasty boil, then reduce heat
and simmer for about seven minutes (until tender). Get a hostage to mash everything with extreme
prejudice. Return to heat for a few minutes and serve.
Wash and steam the zucchini for five minutes. Drain and cut in half, lengthwise, scooping out the pulp.
Save the pulp. Sauté the onion in the oil over med heat, then add the tomatoes, fake meat stuff, zucchini
pulp and parsley. Sauté it all around for seven minutes. Arrange the zucchini shells in a baking dish and fill
them with the pulp mixture. Cover with bread crumbs and bake at 350F for 10 minutes. Praise people
who bring you free zucchini.
Stewed Eggplant
Eggplant is always a hostage favourite around our house. It’s pretty cool looking vegetable, if you ask
me. Yep.
A big eggplant
2 big onions
2 big green bell peppers
1 tbsp oil
16oz tomato sauce
some spike
cut the eggplant in small chunks and soak in cold water for one hour. Hit a hostage with the onions. Now
chop up the onions and peppers. Fry them in the oil for a couple of minutes, then add the eggplant.
Cover and cook on low for 30 minutes. Throw in the tomato sauce, heat and serve. This goes pretty well
with your favourite pasta.
Beany Salad
I really like beans, and find them an easy way to support hungry hostages while on a slim budget.
1 lb cooked kidney beans
one small onion grated
3 tomatoes quartered
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just slam it all together and serve on some lettuce. Now wasn’t that simple.
mash everything up or massacre in a blender. Pile it up on a mass of lettuce with sliced tomatoes on the
side.
Gingered Spinach
Spinach is really good for you and tastes much better than it did when you were a kid.
1 tbsp minced ginger
2 cloves minced garlic
2 tbsp oil
1 lb spinach
1 tbsp apple cider vinegar
¼ tsp crushed red pepper
¼ tsp sea salt
¼ tsp pepper
In a large skillet sauté the ginger and garlic in oil over med heat for one minute. Add the red pepper and
spinach. Stir-fry for about two minutes, then add the remaining ingredients and give it all a good toss. This
will make the hostages happy, hot or cold.
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mix everything with a passion. Roll the mixture into little balls. Now I hope we washed our grubby little
hands. Fry in deep boiling oil until browned and cooked through. Serve with a little maple syrup.
Melt the soy margarine in a saucepan and add the sugar, apple, cocoa, and salt. Boil for one minute, then
remove from heat and add the oatmeal, nuts and vanilla. Mix it all together like you’re really pissed off at
the bowl. Drop by the spoonful onto a slick surface. Let them cool then form it all into little balls. These
can be very useful in extracting information from tight-lipped hostages.
Baked Nanners
This lives the duality of being either a swell breakfast component or an attempt at calming your rebellious
hostages.
6 bananas
2 tbsp soy margarine
3 tbsp sugar
1 tbsp lemon juice
peel them bananas and split them in half. Place in a shallow pan and bake for twenty minutes at 350F.
while they’re baking, keep basting them with the sugar/lemon juice mixture. Swell.
Slice the bananas lengthwise and dip into a plate of lemon juice. Now roll in shredded coconut and plop
in the freezer. Real easy, eh? Don’t let them freeze for too long. Take one out and throw at a hostage. If
it leaves a light blue bruise, they’re ready. If you administered a dark purple welt with the banana stick,
then you left them in the freezer too long. They should be solid but not rock hard.
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½ cup rice
1 cup coconut milk
3-4 cups water
some raisins
Bring the water to a boil in a small saucepan. Add the rice and cook until done. Add the coconut milk
and heat. Plop in raisins, let cool and serve.
Shove it all in a blender and get down to business. Pour into ice cube trays and plop in the freezer. Just
before serving, chop the cubes in the blender until creamy.
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